;2Final Draft, Inc. Final Draft@FFFF000000060002000177AA00000000008E000000002000110190499000480048-258119D22081D7-115FCA15FCB15FCA15FCB118400640064753119D22B7FFFF0101801634B0000100000D860000002F09DA4084058AD89C2589B703CE002890F589C1E309DA14714084089CAD112A258A7F03CC005111EF5112A196014711C0240840112AAD169221477E03CC0071686F5169217301C022466408401692AD1DB625D82A03CC0091DAAAD1DB623C024662B5C408401DB6AD217825D6D203CC00A216CAD21781A202B5C34CC408402178AD277025D94103CC00C2764AD27701EF034CC3CB8408402770F52EE82147CF03CC00E2EDCF52EE81B903CB84372408402F92AD345025D6A403CC00103444F53450188043724D0E408403450AD3AFC22E97E03CC00123AF0F53AFC1C004D0E5571408403AFCAD42A625885A03CC0015429AF542A612D055715FD34084042A6AD4B26235A5503CC00174B1AF54B2614905FD36619408404B26F54F6221463F03CC00194F56F54F6211F066196DD5408404F62F5543821479A03CC001A542CF554381DC06DD5748F408405438AD595822B6B003CC001C594CF559581340748F7AC6408405958AD5D2625D63203CE001D5D0E13D5D2615907AC6811D408405D26AD62D625863D03CC001F62CAF562D61A40811D87F64084062D6AD67942586D003CC00206788F5679412D087F68E2A40840683EAD6D3825D60103CC00226D2CAD6D3820B08E2A9487408406D38AD710625863603CC002370FAAD71061B7094879B104084071B0AD74FA25166A03CE002574EEF574FA1C709B10A2754084074FAAD78B025875B03CC002678A4AD78B0EC0A275A87E4084078B0AD7BCA2515F303CE00277BB213D7BCA1D00A87EAFBB4084017BCAAD7F1425871C03CE00287F08F57F141D50AFBBB5D2408407F14AD837E25860E03CC00298372F5837E12D0B5D2BBDF40840837EAD891625D60B03C8002B890A134891613B0BBDFC255408408916AD8F1A25866F03CC002D8F0EF58F1A11F0C255C896408408F1AAD954225161803CE002F9536F5954220D0C896CEE3408409542AD9AE622763603CC00319ADAF59AE618F0CEE3D508408409AE6AD9FE025D60003CE00329FD4F59FE01F10D508DE634084019FE0ADA87A25893303CE0035A862ADA87A1BE0DE63E49940840A87AADAF9225D61B03CC0037AF86F5AF921AB0E499EB4340840AF92ADB63E25169003CE0039B632F5B63E1A40EB43F17540840B6F4ADBC7E25D61403CC003BBC72F5BC7E1B90F175FEF540840BC7EADC80225DD6003CC003FC7F6F5C8021C00FEF51055440840C802ADCE3624A64403CC0041CE2AF5CE361AB01055410C3940840CE36ADD52A25D6B103CE0043D512ADD52A212010C391141F40840D52AADDBB22517D403CC0045DBA6F5DBB216C01141F11BC940840DBB2ADE25225D7A203C80047E24612DE25215E011BC9122FD40840E252ADE7C625172903CC0049E7BAF5E7C613B0122FD12958408401E7C6ADEBC425D65203CC004AEBB8F5EBC412D01295812F5C40840EC7AADF1682585DA03CE004CF15CF5F168214012F5C1355440840F168ADF4BE2585E203CE004DF4A613DF4BE1D001355413B8340840F4BEADFA6E25862303CC004FFA62F5FA6E142013B83143F340840FA6EAD1008A25883603CC00511007EAD1008A23C0143F314F94408401008AAD10AD4258B7F03CE005410AC8F510AD41DC014F9415A2840840110AD4AD113AA24AA7103CE00571139213D113AA22B015A281634B40840113AAAD119D2258923038E0059119BAAD119D2AD00002000009E0000000009DA, Just Another Low Budget Slasher Movie with Graphic Violence and Gratuitous Nudity By: Chad Braund Chad Braund 183 Capetown Street Montgomery, Texas 77356 Phone: (936) 588 - 0510 E-mail: chadbraund@hotmail.com, c2001ham@hotmail.com A black screen bursts to life with the following words, which will scroll up the screen Texas Chainsaw Massacre style. OPENING STATEMENT WARNING: If you are an overly sensitive, easily offended, politically correct pussbag of a person and incapable of taking a joke, then please leave the theater now. The movie you are about to watch might offend you if you fall into one of the following categories: white, black, Hispanic (this includes all brown and semi-brown people who have a knack for yard work), Chinese (this includes all Asians since no one call tell the difference between you people anyway), if you wear a mock towel on your head and cant tell a bar of soap from a berka, if youre a gay man (this includes so called gay women and all you adorable lesbians), if your of European ancestry, live in a trailer, and claim Dale Earnhardt as your lord and savior (this includes all white people who live in Confederate states), if you are a black man with a large penis, or a black man with a small penis (you poor son of a bitch), if you are Rosie ODonnell (pig), if you believe in God, Buddha, Allah or any of those other phony baloney religious icons, if your offended by dumb ass white people getting slaughtered, or if your a midget (also known as a half-human), please leave the theater now. Enjoy the show. EXt - Bank of a lake - NIGHT A moonlit lake glistens in the distance. We are on a young couple in their early twenties sitting comfortably close to one another beside a cozy campfire. BOYFRIEND Beautiful night. GIRLFRIEND Yes, it is. BOYFRIEND I'm glad I suggested we come out here. GIRLFRIEND Me too. BOYFRIEND I'm always coming up with good suggestions. You ever notice that? GIRLFRIEND Your the sultan of suggestions. boyfriend Yes, I am. girlfriend It is a bit chilly though. boyFRIEND Its a good thing I suggested we start a fire. girlFRIEND Well, if you didnt my nipples would be harder than a kidney stone right now. boyFRIEND Maybe the fire wasnt such a great idea. The girlfriend gives him a playful slap. BOYFRIEND (CONT'D) I really like you. GIRLFRIEND Thanks. BOYFRIEND Yeah, I didn't think I would. What with everything I heard and all. GIRLFRIEND What did you hear? BOYFRIEND Oh, small things. Nothing really. 000200000A9D000009DAA97,GIRLFRIEND What were they? boyFRIEND I heard from a reliable source that you were controlling and domineering and incapable of showing love, basically that your just a bitch. GIRLFRIEND Who told you that? BOYFRIEND All your ex-boyfriends. girlFRIEND Oh. Well, You know what they say about scorned lovers? BOYFRIEND (phony laugh) I sure do. (leaning into her) But I don't care. I think you're smart....and loving...and sexy. You remind me of my mother. This comment momentarily knocks the girlfriend for a little bit of a loop. GIRLFRIEND (trying desperately to change the subject) Yeah, I didn't care to see that movie anyway. Those slasher flicks are all the same. BOYFRIEND You seen one, you seen them all. Even though technically you've only seen the one. GIRLFRIEND This is kind of like an opening to a slasher movie. Cute young couple in the middle of the woods. Sitting next to each another in an intimate manner. Totally oblivious to the fact that someone lurks in the woods around us. Just waiting to slash us to pieces the moment we let our guard down. boyFRIEND I wouldnt worry too much about that. I have a swiss army knife in my pocket. girlFRIEND Well, arent you just the model boy scout. boyFRIEND I was until I got a section 8. A beat. BOYFRIEND (CONT'D) (leaning into her) Would you mind if I leaned in and kissed you.. GIRLFRIEND (interrupting) Sure, that... BOYFRIEND (interrupting) ..and then honked your breasts? GIRLFRIEND That's a negative on the second request, but I think I can stomach the first one. They lean in close for a kiss. THEN: We HEAR a crunch. The couple is distracted they look across from them to reveal a young black man in his twenties eating corn chips and sipping from a big gulp. He is sitting by himself. Which is odd because this is a place for couples. His name is JAKE. Jake realizes he has disrupted the couples engagement. JAKE (pieces of chips falling out of his mouth) I'm sorry guys. Am I being too loud? BOYFRIEND (annoyed) No Jake, your fine. JAKE You sure? GIRLFRIEND Yeah, Jake youre great. Your golden. JAKE The last thing I want be is an intrusion. BOYFRIEND Your not. JAKE Positive. BOYFRIEND Getting your prostate examined by a man with abnormally large hands is an intrusion. girlFRIEND Or getting gang raped, that's an intrusion. BOYFRIEND Yeah, gang rape is always an intrusion. Your more like a fly that gets stuck in an open bloody sore that's on a part of your body that's hard to reach. JAKE Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better. If you guys want me to leave so yall can be alone and have sex, just let me know. I can always go skip rocks, or take a leak, or masturbate behind that tree over there while you do it. 00020000079700001471791,GIRLFRIEND That won't be necessary. BOYFRIEND (to girlfriend) It won't JAKE I shouldn't have even come tonight when I canceled on my date. GIRLFRIEND Don't be ridiculous. JAKE No. No. I feel like the third wheel. BOYFRIEND That's alright. Your like a spare tire. A beat. Say you know any good campfire stories? GIRLFRIEND Yeah. You ever hear the one about the kids who were out one night drinking and sitting around telling campfire stories, but when they went to bed they forgot to put their fire out and it was a windy night, so gradually the fire started to spread, eventually engulfing the entire campground and the surrounding 600 acres of forest into flames, causing 50 million dollars in property damage and costing 115 people their lives including the sleeping kids who were so hammered they slept right through being burned alive? BOYFRIEND That's a good one. You ever hear the one about the Jewish carpenter who traveled around the world saving people with his feats of magic and wizardry only to be crucified by his fellow countrymen on a pair of 2 x 4's, and then three days later being born again not in the form of a man, but in the form of amorphous, invisible bullshit and that for over 2,000 years suckers all over the world have been eating from this bayou of bullshit to help fill their empty lives? girlFRIEND That's a good one too. You know any good campfire stories, Jake? JAKE (coming clean) As a matter of fact I do. Have you ever heard the one about how Im a black man with a small penis? Dead silence between the other two. JAKE (CONT'D) It's true. I've had this problem all my life. Its weird, because in Kindergarten I have the biggest penis in our class. But thats when it stopped growing. Now it just sits there, mocking me, preventing me from ever getting intimate with a woman. Or even working up the nerve to go on a date. A beat. jake (CONTD) I just feel like Ive let Wilt Chamberlain down. 00020000086A00001C02864,GIRLFRIEND Oh, Jake. BOYFRIEND Is that why whenever we set you up with a girl you always find some excuse to get out of it? JAKE Yes. Like the girl tonight. I told her I couldn't go out because I had to go over to my grandparents house and take samples of their stool. GIRLFRIEND Jake! JAKE I also told her I have recessive gonorrhea. BOYFRIEND Jesus! JAKE I was just too embarrassed to tell her the truth. (a beat) This thing has sort of hampered me my whole life. It's stopped me from joining math club, or going to the gym or from being a fatherless altar boy in a Catholic church. I'm just so glad I have good, understanding friends like the two of you that I can count on. A moment of silence. THEN: GIRLFRIEND Jake. JAKE Yes. GIRLFRIEND Can we see your penis? Both the boyfriend and girlfriend laugh. JAKE Oh, screw the both of you!!!! girlFRIEND Come on, please. jake Go to hell. boyFRIEND Come on. Ill give you 10 dollars if you pull your pants down for 10 seconds. jake Im out of here. Assholes! Jake gets up and starts to walk off. BOYFRIEND Oh, where you going? Jake continues walking away. boyFRIEND (CONTD) (to Girlfriend) Oh, well. You want to go back to the cabin and fuck? GIRLFRIEND Sure. The boyfriend and girlfriend get up and head back to the cabin. WE have various shots of them walking through the woods and giggling. Both have a pre-coitus kind of mood. Thats because theyre about to screw. WE follow them through the trees and SEE them go into a cabin. Is someone following them? Probably. WE stop and FADE TO BLACK TITLE CARD: "5 minutes and a fuck later" FADE IN: INT - Cabin - FIVE MINutes later... WE are in the cabin looking over the couple sleeping in bed, streams of moonlight shine through the room from a nearby window. The BOYFRIEND slowly awakens. He yawns. Stretches out his arms and looks up to SEE a figure standing over him, his head is covered with a paper bag and he is holding a samurai sword. The BOYFRIEND is a little spooked. BOYFRIEND Are you a Knicks fan? THEN: A loud whoosh as the sword comes down on the center of his face, slicing it in half. Now the GIRLFRIEND awakens. 0002000006FC000024666F6,GIRLFRIEND Boyfriend. She notices his head split in half and begins to scream frantically. The masked killer takes a SWING at her and just misses as she rolls out of bed and runs screaming into the bathroom. He follows after her taking repeated swings. int - cabin bathroom - seconds later... She slams the door behind her and locks it. She is hysterical, but starts to get DRESSED, changing out of her pajamas and quickly putting on make-up, all while the killer outside keeps trying to knock down the door. WE CUT BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN HER GETTING READY AND THE KILLER TRYING TO BREAK THE DOOR DOWN. She gets fixed up and CLIMBS out the window just as the killer KNOCKS down the door. ext - outside cabin bathroom window - continuous WE are outside and pan down from her feet up to her face, Then she TAKES off into the wilderness, trying to get away from this lunatic as fast as she can. He CHASES after her. WE have various shots of her RUNNING through the woods and the killer in the paper bag mask CHASING after her. After STAYING on the killer for a few beats, HE stops in his tracks, pulls an inhaler from his pocket and takes a huff. The killer TAKES off running again. After a little while the girlfriend SLIDES up behind a tree, she thinks she may have lost him. As she TURNS she walks right into her boyfriend. He looks almost normal, but something seems a little off. GIRLFRIEND Boyfriend, are you okay? BOYFRIEND (with his hands on the sides of his head) I think so. My head feels a little weird. GIRLFRIEND Let me see. As the Boyfriend takes his hands away from his head, his head SPLITS open as the two halves of his head are no longer being held together. The girl SCREAMS and turns to run, when she RUNS into the killer who has caught up with her. 00020000097600002B5C970,She lets out a SCREAM as the killer SWINGS his sword going through her chest. She LOOKS down at herself and then up at the killer. GIRLFRIEND (CONT'D) (to the killer) Jerk! Then the top half of her body SLIDES off the bottom half. The killer raises his sword for one final slice, when we JUMP CUT to the opening title sequence. OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE: The opening credits roll while soft country music plays in the background. Accompanied with the music is the sounds of screaming and chain saws, and other macabre sounds of death. Probably sound clips from other slasher films. END CREDITS FADE IN: EXT - somewhere outside - day A shot slowly pans over a twenty-something girl, named JANE....sunbathing.......topless....her ample, natural bosom hanging lazily from her chest in the afternoon sun....she sprays some water on her chest from a nearby water bottle. WE see the drops of water run slowly down one of her breasts. This is the meaning of life. Then she picks up a book that she has been reading. The book is entitled, "The Philosophy of Time Travel" by Stephen Hawking. A few moments later another girl appears. Her name is AMY. Same thing as the other girl. Twenty-something and hot. Big breasted if applicable. AMY Hey, girl. The guys are ready to go. JANE gets up and joins AMY, putting on a shirt, the girls walk off down a trail. JANE Tell me again why we agreed to spend our weekend in some isolated cabin in the middle of the woods. amy I know right. We'll probably contract some flesh-eating bacteria that slowly eats us alive. jane Or worse yet. There could be colored people. AMY This whole idea is just so hillbilly-ish. JANE (in mocking hillbilly voice) Say Amy, how's about going out to a remote cabin in the woods. Ma and Pa is outta town so we can drank some moonshine and watch Nascar on the picture box. AMY (in mocking hillbilly voice) And then we can fuck our own family members and create genetically altered inbred babies that will one day be featured on the Jerry Springer show. JANE (sarcastically) Jesus, Amy. You didn't have to go there. That's such a stereotype. Both girls laugh. There continued walking has lead them to a jeep where two young men in their twenties are loading stuff into it. The two guys are BOB (Idealistic, not that bright, sweet, but stupid, Amy is his girlfriend) and DARYL (just a regular dude with a special power, Jane is his girlfriend). 0002000007F2000034CC7EC,BOB (to the girls) What's a stereotype? AMY That all hillbillies inbreed. BOB No, not all hillbillies inbreed. Just the ones from West Virginia. (a beat) Hey, did I ever tell you my idea about opening a store that only sells stereos and typewriters? jane No. BOB Can you guess what I would call it? AMY Dickhead's lame attempt at mixing commerce and comedy. BOB (very serious) No. No, it would be called Stereotype. You get it? AMY (annoyed) Yeah, I get it. BOB I think it's a store people would really take too. jane Yeah, the two go really well together. Like Planned Parenthood and abortion clinics. bob Hey, that's a good idea too. AMY You know Bob, your my boyfriend and I love you, but one day I'm going to kill you and harvest your organs for shoe money. BOB That's sweet. JANE (too DARYL) Do you have an air pump? DARYL Yeah, why? JANE So I guess letting the air out of the tires wouldn't stop us from going on this stupid trip. DARYL Come on, Jane. It won't be that bad. jane Yeah, thats what the Silvermans thought in 1932 when a uniformed man with a red arm band and a small penis showed up at their door to tell them they just won a free vacation to a place called Auschowitz. DARYL I promise youll have fun. JANE Well you would know. BOB What does that mean? JANE Oh, Daryl didn't tell you, he can see into the future. BOB Really, Daryl. That's amazing! DARYL Well, I can kind of see into the future. AMY What does kind of mean? DARYL Well, have you ever seen that movie Memento about the guy who has no short term memory? AMY Yeah. DARYL Well, I have the reverse of what that guy had. BOB Huh? DARYL Well, I have already lived my life into the very near future, like ten minutes. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of it. It's what is known in the medical profession as, "No short memory of the future life that I have already lived". AMY If you can't remember any of it, then how do you know the events actually happened? DARYL Well, I make notes to myself in order to remember them. For example. 0002000006C000003CB86BA,Daryl pulls out a hand full of post-it notes from his pocket. DARYL (CONT'D) Here is one that says, "Don't forget to buy more beer for the cabin. Daryl shuffles through the notes and holds up another one. darYL (CONT'D) Here is one that says, "Don't forget to stock up on condoms and dont buy the cheap ones because the last ones broke. jane What?! Daryl shuffles though some more notes and holds up another one. DARYL Here is a note that says, "Don't forget to go to the doctor and have him check out that weird rash on your scrotum." aMY Daryl, those are just reminder notes so you don't forget to do these things in the future. DARYL But, don't you see I've already done them. JANE Then, what is that weird rash on your scrotum? bob Yeah, and more importantly, where is the beer? DARYL Hello, I don't remember. For all we know I might have already drank it. The OTHER 3 just give Daryl a look of bewilderment. dARYL (CONT'D) (off every ones look) Look, I don't have to explain my gift to you. Let's just go get some more beer. Daryl gets into the passenger seat. jane Aren't you driving? darYL I better not. For all we know I might be drunk. JANE Let's go David Lame. The 4 pack up into the Jeep and DRIVE off the down the road. ext - murder scene at the cabin - DAY Several cops mingle around the crime scene looking for clues. The Sheriff, the constable, and the deputy are the primary characters. The sheriff walks up to the deputy and constable to get some info on the crime that took place. SHERIFF What do we got here, fellas? CONSTABLE A couple of corpses, sir. Young kids probably out camping and partying... DEPUTY (interrupting) ...and some time during the night they got hacked to pieces. 0002000009A20000437299C,SHERIFF (pointing off in the distance) My God. Are those the remains? CONSTABLE Yes, sir. The remains are kind of scattered all over the place. (pointing to his right) We got some arms and a leg over there. (pointing to the left) You got some upper body and what looks like a torso over there. (pointing straight ahead) And straight ahead you got a raccoon thats smashed like a pancake. SHERIFF So this sicko kills people and furry, little animals. constable Actually, I ran over the raccoon when I pulled in. SHERIFF (squinting his eyes) But theres bullet holes in him. constABLE I had to put him out of his misery. The Sheriff walks around the crime scene, taking in the horrific site. SHERIFF This is horrible. These victims were just kids. DEPUTY Yeah, young, attractive and dismembered. SHERIFF How many bodies total? DEPUTY Well, lets see. There's me, you, the two kids... SHERIFF (interrupting) ...how many dead bodies? DEPUTY Technically, just the two kids, but cuntstable here is dead on the inside. Does that count? CONSTABLE Fuck you! DEPUTY You got a dirty mouth, cuntstable CONSTABLE What did I tell you about calling me that? (to the sheriff) Why did you have to promote me to Constable? SHERIFF Would you two idiots shut up, we got a homicide on our hands! CONSTABLE Not necessarily. I think these deaths could have been the result of two very unfortunate accidents. SHERIFF What? DEPUTY That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. SHERIFF Constable, we got two dismembered corpses. Their body parts are all over the fucking forest? Now, will you tell me, please, how this could have been an accident! CONSTABLE Alright. I think what might have happened was a guy was out putting wood into a wood chipper, because for whatever reason he needed to have some wood chipped, but during the process of chipping said wood he accidentally fell in and got chopped to pieces. Then, a little while later his girlfriend comes looking for him and stumbles upon the roaring wood chipper. She's a girl, so of course she doesn't know what a wood chipper is and thinks itll be okay if she sits on top of it so she can hang her feet into the wind tunnell to dry her freshly painted toe nails. But, as she's sitting there she soon becomes mesmerized with the vibrating motor humming ever so gently on her special female region that her tampon accidentally falls out and drops down into the wood chipper. She then, naturally, dives in after it. 00020000086900004D0E863,The deputy and sheriff stare at the constable with a long stare of disbelief. DEPUTY Wow! SHERIFF Constable, that would almost be plausible except for one little problem. CONSTABLE What's that? SHERIFF There is no fucking wood chipper! Where is the wood chipper! Show me a wood chipper! Do you see a wood chipper anywhere?! Did it just drive off by itself!? CONSTABLE (contemplating) Maybe the looters took it. I don't know. I haven't worked out all the details. The sheriff walks off in disgust. DEPUTY Nice theory, pussbag. CONSTABLE Screw you. You got any better theories? deputy Yes. My theory is that you smoke cocks through glory holes in random bathroom stalls in every truck stop from here to San Francisco. constABLE (very serious) No, I dont. SHERIFF Look, we have to get these bodies out of here and hauled down to the morgue. DEPUTY Well, we have a little problem with that. SHERIFF How so? DEPUTY We kind of ran out of body bags. SHERIFF You ran out! How many did you bring? DEPUTY Well, I brought the black one and ....the black one. SHERIFF Great. Why would you bring one body bag for two dead bodies? depUTY Sir, I think thats a question only our crucified Lord can answer. CONSTABLE I've got some shopping bags in the car we could use. They're from Bath and Body Works, but I think theyll do just fine. DEPUTY You shop at Bath and Body Works? CONSTABLE Yeah, so. depuTY What do you buy like soap or something? constABLE Yeah, soap. In addition to some other things. DEPUTY Oh. Do you also buy stuff for your vagina there? CONSTABLE (very serious) No. SHERIFF Forget about the bags. Just gather up the bodies and ...double bag em. (a beat) (to himself while looking around the crime scene) Man, this is some serious graphic violence. EXT - outside of a convenience store - DAY Bob is thumbing through a breast cancer pamphlet and admiring the girls in it who are inspecting their breasts. bob (as he flips through the brochure) Oh yeah, That's what I'm talking about. Those have definitely got to be real. Inspect those breasts you filthy whore. (he turns another page) Man, this is some serious gratuitous nudity. 000200000A6800005571A62,Daryl walks up from behind him. DaRYL What are you looking at? BOB (handing him the pamphlet) Check out my new issue. Daryl glances through the pamphlet. DARYL New issue of what. This is a breast cancer pamphlet for women on how to check their breasts for suspicious lumps. BOB Well, it gives me a suspicious lump. DARYL That doesn't make any sense. Where did you get this anyway? BOB In the mail. I've got a subscription. DARYL A subscription to breast cancer booklets? BOB That's right. I'm on their mailing list each month they send me a new issue with a new story line. DARYL There is no story line. It's just a topless girl feeling her bare breasts for a potentially deadly tumor. BOB Key phrases being topless and feeling her bare breasts. DARYL You do realize that you have some serious problems? bOB Yes, I am aware. Amy and Jane walk up behind the guys both carrying brown paper bags in each arm. AMY (to the guys) Hey, Dick and Lick, one of you want to help me with this stuff? BOB (while reaching in his pocket) Sure, Babe. Bob pulls out a set of keys and hands them towards Amy. BOB (CONTD) Here are the keys to the trunk. AMY Thanks, Jackass. jane I cant believe we're going to spend our weekend at a cabin that sits on a campground that the locals lovingly refer to as Camp Death. I hope nothing bad happens to us. amy Wait a minute. The place where going to is nicknamed Camp Death? jane Yeah, you didnt know that? amy No. I didnt know that. Had I know that I wouldve never agreed to come. (to Bob) Did you know this? bob Are you asking me if I had a prior knowledge of the campgrounds less than flattering reputation for having young people brutally murdered? amy Yes! bob I might have heard something about it. amy You asshole! Why didnt you tell me?! bob If I told you, would youve still agreed to come? amy Of course not. bob See. Thats why I didnt tell you. Because you would have overreacted and I would have lost any chance I had of being inside you this weekend. amy I dont believe this. daryl Calm down Amy. All those stories about Camp Death are over exaggerated spook tales. jane Yeah. Like the holocaust. amy Im getting the hell out of here. Amy turns to storm away and runs right into an elderly, grizzled man. He is the OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD GUY. Obligatory creepy old man You kids are going to camp death? bOb Yeah, so? Who are you? OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN I am sort of like your guardian angel. bob Thats cool. OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN I'm here to warn you that if you go to Camp Death, or just continue living in general, you will all have your doom and eat it too. 00020000064C00005FD3646,dARYL Is that like having a vision quest? OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN No, it's more like having a samurai sword slice through your chest cavity. JANE All those stories about Camp Death are nothing but old spook tales that have no validity to them whatsoever. OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN The shit they don't. Anyone who has ever camped at Camp Death has never lived to tell about it. Why do you think they call it Camp Death? bob I thought it was only called Camp Death when it was a cemetery. OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN No, you idiot. When it was a cemetery it was called, The Bargain Burial Farm, because if you buried one person you were able to bury a second one for half price. And if you buried a midget it was always half price, because midget corpses dont take up a lot of space. But when the cemetery went out of business a camp company bought up the land, dug out all the bodies and built a lake in it's place. Why do you think the lake is only six feet deep all the way across? amY I see. OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Now, when the lake first opened they had an abnormal number of people drowning. However, it was later discovered that no one had actually drowned, but that the bodies they were finding belonged to some of the stiffs from the old cemetery that had accidentally been left behind. janE How many bodies did they leave behind? OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Almost all of them. There was a couple of bodies in the early stages of decomposition that were stolen by a gang of necrophiliacs. bob Whats a necrophiliac? obligatory creepy old man Thats someone who has sex with a dead body. 0002000007C2000066197BC,(continuing) And some of the corpses were stolen by a group of necrophobics. bob Whats a necrophobic? oBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Thats someone who is afraid there going to accidentally have sex with a corpse. amY Oh! That's disgusting! obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Different strokes for different degenerates. (continuing) Anyway, that was pretty much the end of the camp. After that a real estate developer bought up the land and built a retirement housing complex on the property. That's when the Camp Death nickname really kicked into gear. amy Sir, I think referring to a retirement home as a camp of death is very offensive. obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Well, when I say retirement home I dont mean it in the traditional sense. amy How so? obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN This retirement home was in actuality a gladiator-style fight farm where elderly people would be locked up in barb wire cages and forced to fight each other to the death in order to see who would have control of the remote during TV time. jane What does any of this have to do with us? Your just wasting our time. obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Well, excuse me for giving you a little back story about the place where you will all draw your last breath. amy Maybe this obligatory, creepy old guy is right. Lets just go home. jane No, damn it. We came out here to have fun and party with our friends and thats exactly what were going to do. obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Fine. Its your funeral. Ive done my part. But, just so you know, youre really screwing me over by dying prematurely. amy How so? obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Im relying on you young punks to pay my social security. amy Is that the only reason you dont want us to go? obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Ah, hello. Yes. I need some more cash. You think I like working at Wal-Mart as a door greeter and being forced to wave at every fat Juanita who comes waddling through the door with her 12 illegitimate children tramping in behind her? 0002000006C000006DD56BA,amy Sir, I think... OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN (interrupting) ...you think I like having to tell every white trash, hillbilly with a beer gut and a What would Dale Earnhardt Do? shirt what aisle the beef jerky is in? amy Yes, but... OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN (interrupting) ...you think I like being in the same room with any towel-head who ventures out into public reeking of ass and cologne, because he believes by not showering his whole life, 50 virgins and a football fields worth of hummus will be waiting for him in heaven when he dies? jane Alright! We get it! OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Good! jane But, where still going. You cant live your life in fear. obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN The shit you cant. Everyone lives their life in fear. It is the driving force that gets us out of bed in the morning. Now, Im begging you. Please dont go to Camp Death. Go join the peace corps or something. amy What does the peace corps have to do with anything? obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN People who join the peace corps are granted eternal life. amy Your kidding, right? obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN No, Im not. Anyone who dedicates their life to planting trees in the desert and procuring water for 2-headed babies in the Sudan is spared the inconvenience that is death. jane So, the key to immortality is to plant more trees? obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Well, they are Mother Natures hard-ons. A HONK is heard from a nearby bus. obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN (CONTD) Thats my ride. I got to go. bob You on some kind of bus trip? obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Thats right. Me and about 50 other geriatrics are heading to an Indian casino in a glorified donkey cart in the hopes that well find a loose slot machine. 00020000063D0000748F637,boB If you win some good money, you wont have to rely on social security. obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN If my aunt had wheels and pedals shed still be a slut. The Obligatory Creepy Old Guy picks up his bag of groceries and starts to walk off. obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN (CONTD) Guess Ill be trucking off now. jane Thanks for your help. I hope everything works out for you. OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Blow me. The Obligatory Creepy Old Guy hops on the bus. He sits next to an elderly woman and whispers something in her ear. The elderly woman then sticks her hand out the window and gives the finger to the kids down below. ext - a shabby mobile home - twilight Jake rides up to a broken down mobile home in a beat up 10-speed bicycle. He RIDES past a garden gnome and PARKS his bike on the side of the house. He walks up to a FLOWER BED and looks down at some batteries that are planted in the ground. He pulls an INHALER out of his pocket, takes a huff, shakes his head, unlocks the front door and SLIDES into the home. int - a shabby mobile home - continuous Jake sets his house key on top of a TV that sits on a stand thats floating in a barrel of water. Jake SURVEYS the room, which has a bath tub full of mulch, a painting of several religious icons wrestling in a pool full of jello, and a giant hole in the wall with the words Sink Hole Effect scribbled above it. jakes mother (os) Jakey-poo is that you? jake Yeah, mom. Its me. JAKES MOTHER (os Okay, good. Im thought it might have been a serial rapist. Come on in the kitchen. Im killing your dinner. jake 00020000065D00007AC6657,Alright. Jake reluctantly opens the kitchen door and walks through. int - Kitchen, a shabby mobile home - continuOUS Jake enters the kitchen and SEES his white mother hovering over a stove, preparing dinner and wearing a pair of boots on her hands in lieu of gloves. WE also see a rooster tied to a chopping block. jakeS MOTHER Hey, honey. Dinner will be ready in a minute. Jake takes a seat at the table. jake What are we having? JAKES MOTHER Well, as soon as I read this rooster his last rites Ill toss him in the oven and a short while later well each have a mouth full of cock. jAKE Sounds great. JAKES MOTHER So, how was your day? jake Okay, I guess. JAKES MOTHER You seem depressed. Did you say hello to the stove? JAKE Yes, I did. Jakes mother picks up a magazine off the table. jakeS MOTHER I almost forgot. You got a new magazine in the mail. Jakes mother hands it too him. We SEE that the name of the magazine is Your Ruining the Stereotype: A Magazine for Your No-Dick-Having Ass. jake Thanks, mom. int - police station conference room - day The Sheriff, Constable and Deputy are having a pow wow about the killings. sheriff All right, fellas. Lets get down to brass tacks. The three of them each take a seat. deputy (to constable) Are you going to sit near the wall? constABLE Yeah, so. DEPUTY I really think I should sit there. consTABLE Why? depUTY Because Im not a douche bag. CONSTABLE (very serious) Neither am I. sheriff Shut up. The two of yous. Now, we need to find this killer and we need to find him now. The longer it takes, the more people are going to die. 0002000006DF0000811D6D9,constABLE Unless the killer accidentally falls in a man hole... deputy (to constable) ...or a wood chipper. sheriff Well, assuming the killer doesnt fall victim to a wood grinding apparatus or a Trojan theme-d gay bar, well probably have to find him ourselves. A beat sheriff (CONTD) Our take out should be here any minute. deputy I love take out. constABLE It shows. depUTY Are you trying to say that I am fat? consTABLE No. Of course not, you fucking fat ass. depUTY Fuck you. (a beat) And you know the only reason I'm fat is because after I have sex with your mother she makes me cake. consTABLE You son of a bitch. My mother is dead. depUTY Okay, so I lied about the cake. The Constable LEAPS over the table and attacks the deputy. They WRESTLE around for a few moments. Then the Sheriff tries to break them up. sherIFF (while trying to separate the two) Alright knock it off, God damn it! constABLE But, Sheriff he intimated that he had sex with my mothers corpse. sherifF I dont care. The Sheriff BREAKS them up and all three men return to their seats. sheriff (CONTD) I getting real tired of this shit. If you two assholes keep this up Im going to beat you both to death with my night stick and then sell your bloody, rotting corpses to a gang of necrophiliacs. Then, after they get done with you, Im going to send your now very sore corpses to a gang of cannibals.... constABLE ...geez, Sheriff sheriff ...Im not done yet. After the Cannibals are done devouring the two of you, Im going to get in touch with some puke eaters and set up a meeting between them and the cannibals. Hopefully, they can reach an agreement which involves the cannibals puking up your now digested remains and selling it to the puke eaters. 00020000063A000087F6634,A beat. deputY I dont think that would work Sheriff. sherIFF Why not? depuTY Cannibals would never associate with puke eaters. A KNOCK at the door. constabLE Theres the Chinese food. The Sheriff opens the door and lets in CHANG, the delivery person. He is short, has a short hair cut, and is wearing shorts. Okay, yes, he is a stereotypical Chinese American who delivers Chinese food on his 10 speed bicycle for the restaurant his parents own. The atmosphere will be one of jubilation. Like a child who has returned home to his family after a long tour of duty overseas. sheriff (while hugging Chang) How you doing, Chang? chang Oh, very well. Very well, Mr. Sheriff. sheriff Thats fantastic. deputy (while tousling Changs hair) Hows it going Chang? chang Oh, you know. depUTY I sure do. Its great to see you. constABLE (while putting his arm around Chang) Say, Chang. What do they call Chinese food in China? chang Oh, I dont know. Im from Korea. constabLE Thats a suburb of China, right? chang No. Chang begins to unpack the food and set it up on the table. sheriff Leave Chang alone. The Deputy opens his little bucket of food. WE see that is a long, circular-shaped piece of meat floating in some wonton soup. It looks like a floating baked penis. deputy Ah. Long duck dong on Wonton. My favorite. constabLE Thanks a lot, Chang. Everything looks great. The DEPUTY bites off a mouth full of his meal. sheriff Come on, Chang. Lets go. The sheriff PICKS up a Chang and cradles him in his arm like a newborn infant and walks out the door with him. 00020000066300008E2A65D,ext - police station hallway - conTINUOUS OUT in the hallway now, the Sheriff sets Chang down, gives him a hug and a kiss on the head and sends him off. sheriff Chang. I think I can speak for everyone here at the station when I say we love you. And we will love you for a long time. chang Okay, sir. Chang HOPS on his bicycle, which oddly enough he rode into the station with, and takes off down the hallway. The Constable WALKS out and joins the Sheriff. constabLE Did Chang leave? sheriff Yeah. (almost in tears) I love that slant eyed son of a bitch. constABLE Something wrong, boss? sheriff Chang, just reminds me so much of my own son. constABLE I didnt know you had a son. sheriff I had a son and a wife. Once upon a time. BEGIN: FLASHBACK SEQUENCE int - the sheriffs home - day The Sheriff and Jakes Mother (his wife) are sitting at their kitchen table eating a very sterile meal in a very sterile suburban neighborhood, living a very sterile life. sheriff (VO) You see, me and my pig had always wanted to have kids. And while we were legally married, the practice of sex was just not an option for us. She said she loved me, but not in that way. And for awhile the company of just the two of us sufficed. We were unbelievably content. We were both devout vegans and were truly living what they like to call the salad days. But, soon we felt an emptiness. We needed a child and while sex was out of the question it seemed like adoption was the only answer. I even brought up the idea to my wife one day. The sheriff hands his wife a DVD copy of Oliver Twist. A large enthusiastic SMILE on his face. 00020000068F00009487689,sheriff (CONTD) (VO) (CONT'D) But, that option was immediately eliminated when my wife informed that she hated orphaned children. The wife GRABS the Oliver Twist DVD, picks up a hammer and begins smashing the DVD to pieces. sheriff (CONTD) (VO) (CONT'D) Then, the wife thought are emptiness would be filled if we could share our love with a pet. We considered buying an elephant, but I decided we better not. You see, if a man owns an elephant, that man, at one point in time or another, is going to let temptation get the best of him and one day his wife is going to come home and find her husbands penis in the trunk of the family elephant. The wife walks through the front door and STOPS dead in her tracks. WE see the sheriff standing in front of an elephant, his pants down and sure enough his penis is completely covered by the animals long and inviting trunk. sheriff (CONTD) (VO) (CONT'D) So one day, without my knowledge, my wife brought home a bag of goldfish she won playing 3 card Monty while attending her gamblers anonymous meeting. The wife HANDS the sheriff a bag of goldfish. sherIFF (CONTD) (VO) (CONT'D) But, the only thing I hate eating more than pussy, is fish. So I had to tell her no. The sheriff GRABS the bag of goldfish and tosses them into their roaring fireplace. sherifF (CONTD) (VO) (CONT'D) Years went by and I wasnt ever sure wed find what we were looking for. Then one day we heard a knock on the front door. int/ext - the sheriffs home (front porch) - day The sheriff OPENS the front door to reveal a Harlem globetrotter in full globetrotter regalia holding a basketball. sheriff (VO) It was a Harlem Globetrotter. 00020000076B00009B10765,The Harlem Globetrotter then STARTS to do a dizzying array of tricks with the basketball. Dribbling though his legs, tossing the ball up and catching it behind his back, rolling the ball around his waist and neck and TOSSING the ball up into the air and having a BLACK BABY fall into frame. The Harlem Globetrotter HANDS the baby to the Sheriff and his wife. HARLEM GLOBETROTTER Heres a black baby. The sheriff reluctantly grabs hold of the baby. harLEM GLOBETROTTER (CONTD) Have a nice day. With that the Harlem Globetrotter RUNS back onto the street and starts DRIBBLING his way out of frame. The sheriff looks down at the baby, then up at his wife. There not quite sure what the fuck just happened. int - the sheriffs home - day The sheriff and his wife sit across from their newly acquired black baby (Jake) with a considerable Afro, staring at it with intense confusion. The baby stares back at them. Equally, if not more confused about what to do. A few beats go by. Then. The baby gives his new parents a WHATS UP NOD. The sheriff and his wife BREAKDOWN in tears and joy. They both PICK up the baby and hug him tenderly. SHERIFF (vo) It was the happiest day of our lives. A beat. sheriff (CONTD) (VO) (CONT'D) Unfortunately, we were ill-equipped and lacked the time to properly take care of a baby. Especially a black one. But, then another miracle happened. int - the sheriffs home (kitchen) - day The sheriff and his wife our at the kitchen table WATCHING a live news broadcast. (ON THE TV) = Mexican border jumpers are running around EVERYWHERE. WE see a couple hopping over a five foot caged fence (the border wall). WE see some that have made it over the formidable wall and are now RUNNING towards their freedom. And we SEE some border patrol agents FIRING machine guns from the back of pick-up trucks. Their BULLETS connecting with some of the runners. 00020000060F0000A275609,sheriff (VO) The influx of illegal immigrants who come to America to find menial jobs for minimum pay. Otherwise known as the Mexican-American had invaded our borders. The pig and I couldnt believe our luck. The sheriff and wife give a LOOK to each other. Then PULL back the drapes from their large kitchen window. And SEE: Some border jumpers are RUNNING through the sheriffs front lawn. SHOTS are heard in the distance. This is odd, because the Sheriffs home is smack dab in the ass crack of middle class suburbia. Hundreds of miles from the Mexican border. We SEE a LARGE MEXICAN WOMAN GET SHOT in the arm and fall to the ground. The Sheriff and his wife BURST out of their seats. ext - the sheriffs home (front lawn) - contINUOUS The sheriff and his wife RUN AND PICK UP the injured and large Mexican woman. They BRING her into the house. int - the sheriffs home (living room) - day The sheriff and his wife SIT across from this severely injured immigrant staring at her with intense confusion. The woman, HOLDING a towel against her bleeding arm stares back at the gringos that have just saved her life. A few beats go by. Then. The large Mexican woman gives her saviors a WHATS UP NOD. The sheriff and his wife BREAKDOWN in tears and joy. They both PICK up the large mexican woman, and with complete disregard for her severe injury, give her a bear hug. sheriff (VO) At last are family was complete. And Maid Marion, as she would come to be known, was the final piece. BEGIN PHOTOGRAPH MONTAGE: sheriff (VO) (CONT'D) 0002000007430000A87E73D,The four of us did everything together. We did all our family photos together. INSERT: A photo of the Sheriff, his wife, and the black baby (Jake) standing in front of the fireplace, decked out in fancy, photo-taking attire and smiling brightly for the camera. Maid Marion is SEEN in the background cleaning out the fireplace, her face COVERED in soot. SHERIFF (CONTD) (VO) (CONT'D) We exchanged Christmas presents together. INSERT: A photo of the Sheriff, his wife and the black baby (Jake), sitting with Maid Marion in front of their Christmas tree. Maid Marion is reluctantly holding up a new hair net she has just unwrapped. sheriff (CONT'D) We played at the beach together. INSERT: A photo of the Sheriff, his wife and Jake (now around 5 years old) laying around Maid Marion who is buried up to her sombrero-covered head in sand. sheriff (VO) (CONT'D) We even played in the snow together. INSERT: A photo of the Sheriff, his wife and Jake (still around 5 years old) standing in front of a snowman. Maid Marion is seen in the background shoveling off the front porch. We ZOOM in to see the snot dripping from her nose is frozen solid. sheriff (VO) (CONT'D) We even had her around when I purchased my dream car. INSERT: A photo of the Sheriff, his wife and Jake (now around 10 years old) standing in front of a shiny, sports car. We ZOOM in to find Maid Marion underneath the car on a rolling board. All we SEE is her legs sticking out. sheriff (VO) (CONT'D) But, once again the happiness was destined not to last. ext - the sheriffs home (driveway) - day The Sheriff, his wife and Jake PULL into the driveway and stop suddenly. They SEE Maid Marion being taken from the house by men in green jump suits (immigration). All three of them JUMP out of the car. jakeS MOTHER (to the immigration officers) No, please! You cant take her! 00020000061D0000AFBB617,immigration officer #1 Sorry, maam. Rules are rules. sheriff Sir, Im sure we can work this out. IMMIGRATION OFFICER #1 No dice, sir. Shes going back to Mexico. The Immigration officers LOAD Maid Marion into their van. Jake RUNS up to Maid Marion as shes about to be taken away. jake Dont leave us, Maid Marion. We love you. maid marion (in broken English) Oh, Jake. Maid Marion PULLS out a tortilla from her pocket and WIPES Jakes tears with them. Maid MARION (CONTD) Goodbye, Jake. SLAM. The van door is SHUT. The van TAKES off down the street. Jake RUNS off after it. jake (while running down the street) Come back, Maid Marion! Come back! sheriff (VO) That was pretty much the end of our happy home. The three of us all grew distant, the house turned into a pig sty, my wife went nuts and we were never the same. Eventually the three of us went our separate ways. I havent been able to watch Telemundo since. FLASHBACK SEQUENCE DONE: int - police station hallway - DAY We are back on the Sheriff and deputy in the hallway. The Sheriffs tragic back story now complete. SherIFF So, thats the story of my former family. deputy Geez, Sheriff. Thats a terrible story. Im so sorry. A beat. deputy (CONTD) But, I have to ask. Why didnt you just hire another housekeeper? sheriff Hindsights always 20/20. int - a shabby mobile home (porch) - night Jake is sitting alone LOOKING up at the stars. His mother COMES out to join him. jakes moTHER Something the matter, Jake? jake No. Not really. Just thinking about Maid Marion. 0002000006130000B5D260D,JAKES MOTHER I know you miss her. We all do. jake Ill bet shes out there, right now, vacuuming a loving familys home. jakeS MOTHER Oh, Jake. They dont have carpet in Mexico. jake I just wish she never had to leave. JAKES MOTHER I know, honey. But, shes in a far better place. jake No, shes not mom. Shes in Mexico. int - car (moving) - day Amy, Bob, Jane and Daryl are riding in a jeep. On their way to the cabin. Daryl is driving. jane Can you guys believe that old coot trying to scare us into not coming out here? bob Well, there was some truth to what he was saying. amy What do you mean? bob A couple nights ago 2 kids were murdered near the cabin were staying at. amY What? BOB Well, they may have been murdered. It possibly could have been an accident. Police are still trying to figure it out. amy Then lets turn around and go home. bob Well be fine. Our cabin is a good 100 yards away from where this happened. JANE Yeah, and besides theyll be a bunch of us out there. Well be perfectly... darYL ...safe. See, I knew you were going to say that. I know for a fact everything will be fine. jane Oh, Daryl. Stop it with your ridiculous I have lived into the near future mumbo-jumbo bullcrap. daryl But, its true. jane No, its not. Now, stop acting like a douche. daryl To hell with you. I have lived into the future. I just need to... CRASH! Daryl has just SMASHED into something in the road. Daryl LOCKS the brakes and the jeep does a 360 before COMING to a stop in a ditch. daryl (CONTD) Oh, shit! 00020000067C0000BBDF676,bob What the fuck did you do?! DARYL I didnt do anything! jane You hit someone! amy Good job, ass! The 4 GET out of the jeep. ext - side of the road - continuous The 4 of them WALK up to the front of the jeep to inspect the damage. daryl It was probably just a squirrel or something small enough that police involvement wont be necessary. At the front of the jeep, they FIND a huge dent in the front fender. bob This was definitely no squirrel. jane (pointing ahead) Oh, my God! Look! Jane POINTS to a young black man curled up around a tree. It is Jake. bob This is not good. daryl What are we going to do? amy What do you mean we? Your the one who hit him. daryl Yeah, but it wasnt my fault. bob I thought you said you wrote notes to yourself about the so called future life youve already lived. daryl (while digging through his pocket) I did. But there wasnt anything in them about this. Daryl PULLS a note out of his back pocket. daryl (CONTD) Oh, wait. Here it is. (while reading the note) Make sure you dont run over that nigger. See, I did make a note to myself. jane Well, thats fucking great. But, what are we going to do about the dead darkie? amy You guys! Please say African-American! jane Shut up, Amy! Daryl PULLS another note out of his back pocket. daryl I got another note here. (while reading the note) If you dont read the nigger note in time, then here is Jesse Jacksons phone number. (to the rest of them) Were going to call Jesse Jackson. amy What the fuck for? bob Well, babe. Whenever you accidentally cause ill will towards one of these ..aahh..one of these... what did you call them? 0002000006470000C255641,amy African-Americans! bob Right. Black people. You have to inform the good reverend and get him on your side. amy Why? bob Because, Reverend Jackson can temper the tides of chocolate rage. Theyll pretty much go along with anything he says. daryl (to himself) I really should write a note to myself about not putting notes in my back pocket. jane Yeah, thats the least of your troubles. THEN: Jake MUMBLES and staggers to his feet. Apparently hes not dead. jake (while grabbing his right leg) Oh, man. What the fuck? amy Oh, my God. Do you think youre okay? bob Do you think you can walk? jane Do you think you can talk? daryl Do you think when you eat out you can leave a tip? jake (holding his right leg) Yeah, Im fine. What happened? daryl Well, uh...a gang of toothless republicans, waving a confederate flag, and reeking of Pabst Blue Ribbon, threw you from their Ford pick up and we... jane ...thats not true. Daryl, here, accidentally hit you with his car. darYL Jane! jane Well, its true. jake (pointing to Daryl) This guy here. Jake WALKS toward Daryl. daryl Well, technically...yes, I did hit you with my car, but I want to assure you I have insurance and Jesse Jacksons phone... SLASH! Jake PULLS out samurai sword from his backpack and slices Daryls head off. It LANDS in Janes arms. Jane Ah!!! Jake TAKES off running down the road. bob Holy crap! Did you see that! jane (while hugging his head) Oh, my god! Daryl, my love! Daryls head MOVES. That part of him is still alive. daryl Oh, man. What the fuck?! jane Baby, your still alive. Its a miracle. 0002000006530000C89664D,daryl Oh, man. What happened to the rest of my body? jane (while pointing to the ground) Its over there. daryl (while looking at the rest of his detached body) Oh, damn it. jane Lets get you to a hospital. daryl Dont waste your time. I can feel myself going into the light. janE No, Daryl. Please, stay with me. daryl Babe, whats the use. Im a quadriplegic now. And that means I cant use my dick. And a man without a dick is just another Bush. jane There are other things we can do instead. daryl Yeah, like what? jane Well, you now have more time to get really good at giving me oral sex. daryl Yeah, right. Ill see you later. Daryl CLOSES his eyes and passes onto a better place. Jane BREAKS down. jane (while hugging his decapitated head) Why Daryl? Why? I love you so much. Ive loved you from the first moment I lied eyes on you. Remember you were at the library masturbating into a National Geographic. I believe it was the swimsuit issue. You remember the one where the gorgeous models show off swim suits made from the skin of the starving people of Uganda. And, remember our first date... amy (to Bob) Can you believe this? bob Its a strange world. Isnt it? AMY Indeed. bob Its a shame Daryl had that no short term memory of the future disease. amy Yeah, really. He should have written a note to himself. bob Yeah, something along the lines of Look out for that samurai sword! Amy and Bob both chuckle. jANE Are you guys making jokes? amy (reaching down to console Jane) Were just messing around. Laughter has helped us mourn and eventually we got over Daryls passing. 00020000062B0000CEE3625,jane You got over it? It just happened 2 minutes ago. amy I know. But, lets move things along. What do you say? jane (breaking down) Okay. Its just...I was pregnant. We were going to have a baby together...and now this... amy (while hugging Jane) Oh, honey. Im so sorry. A beat. amy (CONTD) Have you named the bastard yet? jane (tears gushing out) Oh, God! bob Jane, Im going to do something I think will make you feel better. Give me Daryl. jane What? Why? bob Just trust me. Okay, Jane. JANE (reluctantly handing him Daryls head) Okay. Here. Bob carefully grabs a hold of Daryls head. bob Jane, I really think this will help. Bob, with Daryls head carefully in his hands, HIKES his leg back and kicks Daryls head into a nearby river. bob (CONT'D) (like the Mexican soccer announcer says whenever someone scores a goal) Bully! Bully! GOOOAAAAALLLLLLl!!!!! Amy laughs. Jane cries even more. AMY (while putting her arm around Bob) Well meet you in the car, babe! Amy and Bob GET back in the jeep, leaving Jane to sob endlessly. int - a shabby mobile home - twilight Jake STUMBLES through the front door and sits on the couch. He sets his samurai sword on the ground. His mother comes IN and sees her badly injured son. jakeS MOTHER (while kneeling down to him) Jake, honey. What happened? jake I got hit by a car. jakeS MOTHER Oh, my God. Lets get you to a hospital. jake No, Ill be fine. I got something really important to do tonight. Jakes mother picks up his bloody samurai sword. JAKES MOTHER Jake, why is your sword all bloody? 0002000009610000D50895B,JAKE (grabbing the sword) Its nothing, mom. Jake gets up and heads to his room. jake (CONTD) Im going to go take a nap. Jakes mother picks up the telephone. An intense worry on her face. jakeS MOTHER (on the phone) Hello, Sheriff. I understand your still looking for the person that killed those 2 kids over at Camp Death. A beat. jakeS MOTHER (CONTD) I think I know who did it. Do you remember your son? int - police station hallway - twilight The Sheriff has just hung up his cell phone. sheriff (to himself) Oh, boy. int - police station conference room - continuous The deputy and constable are sitting at the conference table, in the middle of a conversation. constABLE I dont know the legalities of a situation like that. depuTY All Im saying is without my dick he wouldve never been born. The Sheriff pops his head through the door. sheriff Lets roll. depuTY Whats up, boss? sheriff (says lead, like the chemical element) We got a hot lead. constABLE You mean a hot lead? sheriff What did I say? constABLE You said a hot lead. sheriff Well theyre both spelled the same. Lets go! The three of them bolt out the door. ext - driveway of the cabin - twilight Bob, Jane and Amy PULL to a stop in front of the cabin and begin to unpack their gear. jane I cant believe were still going through with this weekend in the cabin. bob Well, why wouldnt we? jane Why wouldnt we? Did you already forget my boyfriend got his head sliced off. Bob thinks for a moment. bob What was his first name again? jane Jesus, Bob. Thats it. Im going home. Amy stops Jane and puts her arm around her. amy Look, I know you miss Daryl. And I miss him too. But, sweet Christ, he died over an hour ago. You have to move on. JANE Yeah, I guess your right. amy Fucking A. Now we came out to this God forsaken cabin to party with our friends and fuck our boyfriends. Seeing as your boyfriend spit the bit, well just have to find you a new one. Because, as you very well know, its socially unacceptable to fuck a dead guy. jane (coming around) Unless your name is Anna Nicole Smith. Amy laughs. amy Thats right. Because, shes a fat gold-digging whore who marries near dead billionaires for their money. jane Yeah. I hope she gets syphilis. AMY Me too, babe. Me too. bob Ready to see what the cabin looks like? amy Sure. The three of them WALK into the cabin. 00020000063C0000DE63636,int - the cabin - continuous WE are in complete darkness as the following conversation takes place. AMY Alright, were is the light. bob I'm looking for it. jane It seems a little cramped in here. bob I think I found the light switch AMY No, Bob. That would be my nipple. A beat bob I think I got it now. aMy Nope, that's still my nipple. bob How about now? amy Still my nipple. bob Are you sure? amy Yes, I'm sure! You're touching my nipple! Not a light switch! Can't you tell the difference between a light switch and a nipple? BOB As a matter of fact I can. (a beat) How about now? jane Now your touching my nipple, Bob. bob Jane, is that you? jane Yes. BOB And this is your nipple, right? JANE Yes, you idiot. bob And, Amy I've got your nipple here? amy Yes, asshole. bob Okay, cool. jane What about the light switch? bob Screw the light switch. jane Just find it, Bob! bob Alright! A LOUD CRASHING SOUND. The lights have COME on. However, what looked like a spacious, beautiful cabin on the outside is in actuality nothing more than the size of a dirty tool shed. The three of them are so close together they are actually rubbing up against one another, unable to move. JANE Ow! This is ridiculous. amy It looked so much bigger on the outside. bob Well, so do your breasts? jane We can't possibly stay in here. I can't move. bob Come on guys it won't be that bad. amy Won't be that bad. Were is the bathroom? jane We won't need a bathroom, because there isn't enough room to eat. amy Even if we had food to eat, there isn't enough room to digest it. 0002000006B00000E4996AA,JANE Good one, Amy. bob Look, I think we can make this work and still have some fun. AMY Your joking, right? bOb No. AMY Bob, they had better living conditions at the concentration camps. bob Yeah, maybe, but those people died. Amy lets out a sigh. amy I have to pee. bob I dont think you can reach my mouth from there. amy Shut up, Bob. bob Hey, you guys want to try and have sex in here? amy Fuck off, Bob. BOB Come on. We could probably get in the Guinness Book of World Records for having a menage a trois in the smallest amount of space. amy You could probably also get in there for having the world's smallest something else. bob What do you mean? amy I think you know what I'm talking about. bob (completely lost) Really, I have no idea. What do I have that is so small and insignificant that it would be worthy of a world record? AMY I'm not going to say I don't want to embarrass you in front of Jane. bob Well, at least give me a hint. Is it something on my body? amy (hesitating) Yes. In fact, its 3 inches long and rests below your waist line. Bob (to himself) Alright, let's see...something small on my body. Three inches in length and rests below my waist line. And if it's identity is known it would cause me extreme embarrassment in front of Jane. (a beat) Nope, I don't know what you could be possibly talking about. jane It's your dick, okay! Shes talking about your dick! amy No, I wasnt. jane You werent? AMY No, I was talking about his tail. jane You have a tail? bob Great. Now Jane knows about my tail. Thanks a lot, Amy! AMY Well, you egged me on. Bob is noticeably heartbroken. Bob reaches down for a beer. amy (CONT'D) Bob, what are you doing? 0002000006380000EB43632,bob I'm getting a beer. amy Bob, you can't open that beer in here. It will explode everywhere. bob (as he tries to open it) Look, I need a beer. My girlfriend just exposed my deepest of secrets to the world. amy Look, I'm sorry. It's just that... THE BEER CAN EXPLODES. Beer SPRAYS everywhere, dousing all three of them. They all FALL out of the cabin covered in beer. Ext - cabin - seconds later amy Damn it, Bob! JANE Good job, jerk. bob I'm sorry. I'm going for a walk. Bob starts to walk off. amy Oh, were you going, Bob? bob I'm going for a walk if you don't mind. amy Look, all our friends are going to be here any minute. bob I dont care. Bob walks off. amy Oh, Bob come back here. I didn't mean it. bob (as he continues to walk away) No, I hate you. Back on Jane and Amy. jane Why did you have to tell me that? amy He asked for it. Plus you gotta see this thing. He can wag it and everything. jane That is kind of cute. But, you still shouldnt have told me. amy I wouldn't worry about Bob. Remember he's got that no short term memory of the future disease. jane No, he doesn't. Daryl had that. amy Oh yeah, that's right. Your dead boyfriend. Dead Daryl. Daryl of the Dead in 3D. jane Shut up, Amy! The NOISE OF CARS is heard driving towards the cabin. amy Well, theres the rest of our friends. ext - police car (moving) - twilight The Sheriff, constable and deputy are driving furiously in their cop car. consTABLE Sheriff, do you think you should slow down a little? sheriff No! We have to get to Camp Death or else more kids are going to die. 000200000D860000F175D80,The Car makes a sharp turn down a dirt road. CONSTABLE Where you going, Sheriff? SHERIFF Short cut. CONSTABLE (to himself) Oh, boy. The cop car stays on the dirt road for a few beats. Then: The car SWERVES off the dirt road and back onto the main road. Then: deputy (pointing out his window) Sheriff, look out for those deers! The Sheriff SWERVES out of the way of some oncoming deer. sheriff (while swerving) God dam! Cock and balls! The car straightens out and they continue down the road. Then: depuTY (pointing out his window) Sheriff, look out for those steers! The Sheriff SWERVES out of the way of some oncoming steer. sheriff (while swerving) God Dam! Mother ass fuck! The car straightens out and they continue down the road. Then: deputy (pointing out his window) Sheriff, look out for those queers! The Sheriff SWERVES out of the way of some oncoming queers wearing nothing but jock straps and cowboy hats. sherIFF (while swerving) Fucking, faggot ass faggoty fucks! The car straightens out and they continue down the road. Then: DEPUTY (pointing out his window) Sheriff, look out for that ignorant bike riding asshole riding in the street and not on the perfectly acceptable bike trail that runs parallel to the road. The sheriff thinks to himself for a moment. sheriff Oh, what the hell. The Sheriff HAMMERS the gas and PLOWS into the BIKE-RIDING ASSHOLE and sends him and his bike flying over the cop car and SLAMMING into the road. The Sheriff slams on the brakes. The bike rider struggles to sit up. He is broken and bloodied. His bike is destroyed. The Sheriff sticks his head out the window. sheriff (CONT'D) (to the bike rider) You okay, buddy? BIKE-RIDING ASSHOLE (while rubbing his head) Yeah, I think so. What did you do that for? SHERIFF To teach you bike riding bastards a lesson. BIKE-RIDING ASSHOLE Hey, man. We have just as much a right to these roads as you... BAM! The Sheriff has BACKED THE CAR INTO THE BIKE-RIDING ASSHOLE and finished him off. The Sheriff, a grin on his face, looks to his co-workers. consTABLE Thanks, Sheriff. deputy Yeah, we owe you one. sherIFF This one was for the children. The Sheriff puts the car in drive and they take off down the road. ext - the cabin - twilight The rest of the kids have arrived at the cabin and are unpacking kegs, boxes of liquor and other necessary party bullshit. One of the girls walks up to Jane. party girl #1 Hey, Plane Jane. jane Hey, Party Girl #1. PARTY GIRL #1 Where is Bob and Amy? JANE Bob got pissed off and took off running and crying into the woods like a 16 year old girl at a frat party. PARTY GIRL #1 Was it about his tail? JANE How do you know about it? PARTY GIRL #1 Everyone knows. jane Your kidding? PARTY GIRL #1 No. I think everyone knows by now. Let me check. Party Girl #1 pulls a megaphone out of her backpack. party girl #1 (CONTD) (through the megaphone) Attention! Attention! Does everyone here know that Bob Baker has a tail? Various people shake their heads, some speak up that they already knew. One guy says: party guy #1 I wasnt aware of it before now. Thank you for informing me. PARTY GIRL #1 Thats no problem. ext - bank of a lake - night Amy and Bob are by themselves, sitting intimately close to one another next to a seducing fire. bob I want to start by accepting your apology about the whole tail thing. amy Okay, but I havent apologized yet. Although, I am sorry and I... 0002000006650000FEF565F,bob ...no need to apologize. I know you were just following your uncontrollable feminine instincts. amy Well, I dont know... bob ...you women are all the same. Like a pregnant person with morning sickness you were born to yak. amy Thats fine, but... bob ...like a person whose just been stabbed in the stomach, you were born to spill your guts. amy Bob, listen. I... bob ...like the birdman of Alcatraz you were born to sing like a canary. amy Enough! Whats your point? bob My point is that I love you. And I dont want to let a small thing like the big, fat, blabbering hole below your abnormally large nose come in between the good thing we have going. AMY Well, thats very nice. BOB And so, in honor of our 9 week anniversary I present to you a gift. Bob pulls a small, fancy ring box from his pocket and hands it to Amy. AMY Thank you, Bob. But, weve been dating for over 6 months. bob No. Not the anniversary of when we started dating. This is the 9 week anniversary of the first time you sat on my face. AMY (thinking) Oh, yeah. Your right. bob You remember? amy Yeah. bob It was such a glorious moment in our relationship and it came at such an opportune time. amy Well, that sermon was dragging on forever. bob I know. amy (holding up the box) I wonder whats in here. bob Well, Im only going to give you a little hint. (as she unties the ribbon on the box) Its a cock ring. Amy pulls out the cock ring and looks at with intense bewilderment. amy (speechless) Im not quite sure what to say. bob Say hello to better sex. My family has passed this cock ring down from generation to generation. 0002000006EB000105546E5,amy (dropping the ring) Oh, god. Bob picks up the cock ring and admires it. bob Yes, this once belonged to my father and my fathers father and my fathers mother. amy Your fathers mother? bob She was a transvestite. AMY Oh. Bob pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. bob I also wrote you a poem. amy Oh, thats sweet. Bob takes a deep breathe. bob (reading the poem) Lets fuck. amy Oh, Bob. They embrace each other with reckless abandon. So much abandon that Bob rolls into the FIRE and now hes slowing burning to death. bob Oh, Shit! God damn! Bob RUNS around frantically. AMY Bob, The lake! Jump in the lake! Bob runs into the lake. He frantically shucks and bobbles his body in the water, trying desperately to extinguish himself. A few beats go by. Bob is still underwater. amy (CONTD) Bob, Are you okay? No answer from Bob. AMY (CONTD) Honey, talk to me. THEN: Bobs head emerges from the water. bob (head barely above water) Amy, help! I cant swim! amy Oh, for Christs sake. Amy takes her clothes off and jumps into the water. amy (CONTD) Im coming baby. bob Help! Amy grabs a hold of Bob and rests his head on her breasts. amy Ive got you babe. Ive got you. bob (grabbing onto her chest) Thank you. They float around in the water for a few beats. Bob still desperately clinging to Amys breasts as flotation devices. bob (CONTD) I guess we can just float around out here till somebody finds us. A beat. bob (CONTD) Thank God for the buoyancy of your breasts. ext - the cabin - night The party is in full blown mode. People mingle and dance. Some are in different groups carrying on different conversations. A keg gets pumped and beer gets poured. Basically a scene from your typical college party. 0002000007EC00010C397E6,The following sequence will be that of a party montage. First were on Jane holding a cup of beer. A guy named Dale comes up and talks to her. dale Hey, Jane. jane Oh, hey Dale. dale I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am to hear about Daryl. jane Thanks. Its been a tough couple of hours. dale Ill bet. Ill bet. Its just such a bummer when someone loses their head like that. You know? jane Unfortunately, I do. dale Yeah. My mother had diabetes so I totally know what your going through. Like, if she ate a Kit-Kat she couldve died. jane Hows she doing now? dale Oh, she got run over by a short bus a long time ago. jane Im sorry. dale So anyway, if you ever need someone to talk to you can always count on me. jane Thanks. Thats very sweet and I might actually... dale ...actually let me rephrase that. If you ever need someone to have sex with, you can always count on me. You know..cause...right now...I know your hurting...and maybe you could use some good fucking...and a... Jane THROWS her drink in Dales face and walks off in disgust. dale (CONT'D) (beer falling from his face) Okay. Cool. Think it over. (he wipes some of the beer off his face) Free beer, though. The next sequence centers around two party guys sitting on a bench. party guy #1 Hey, dude. Go get me another beer. party guy #2 Fuck no. Go get it yourself. pARTY GUY #1 Come on, please. PARTY GUY #2 No chance. I could think of a lot of over things Id rather do than get your lazy ass another beer. PARTY GUY #1 Like what? PARTY GUY #2 Well, lets see. Id rather be locked in a studio apartment in Manhattan with a dieting John Madden and a horny Cameron Manheim. A beat. PARTY GUY #2 (CONTD) Id rather drink unchlorinated hot tub water from the most promiscuous bathhouse in San Francisco. A beat. PARTY GUY #2 (CONTD) Id rather have Rosie ODonnell sit on my face as she reads War and Peace cover to cover, while eating a lifes supply of cabbage and drinking from a 5 gallon drum of nacho cheese. 0002000007B00001141F7AA,paRTY GUY #1 (as he gets up) Alright. Forget it. Ill get it myself. PARTY GUY #2 Where you going? I got some more. Now were on a section of the party that is playing Jeopardy. A board in the background has the topics: Sexual Relations, Religious BM, Black Comedies, Skanky, Filthy Hotel Heiresses. A QUESTION READER stands before a handful of participating kids. question reader This is sexual relations for 100. Question reader picks up a card. qUESTION READER (CONTD) Having sex with a deaf person. A girl raises her hand. party girl #1 What is a dumbfuck? QUESTION READER Correct. Applause. PARTY GIRL #1 Ill take Religious BM for 200. Question reader picks up a card. QUESTION READER This is overrated suffering? PARTY GIRL #1 Who is Jesus Christ? QUESTION READER Correct. Applause. PARTY GIRL #1 Ill take Black Comedies for 300. Question reader picks up a card. QUESTION READER This mini series from the 1970s depicted life in the good old days for white people in the South. PARTY GIRL #1 What is Roots? QUESTION READER Correct. Applause. PARTY GIRL #1 Ill take Skanky, Filthy Hotel Heiresses for 500. Question reader picks up a card. QUESTION READER This is having sex with Paris Hilton. PARTY GIRL #1 What is that rash on my dick? QUESTION READER Correct. Enormous applause. PARTY GIRL #1 Thank you. Thank you. Now where on 2 girls, PARTY GIRL #2 and PARTY GIRL #3, sitting on a lawn couch, passing a joint back and forth. party girl #2 Did you know that if a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, you can be rest assured that someone is building a parking lot? Party Girl #3 just nods her inebriated head. A beat. party girl #2 (CONTD) Did you know that two wrongs dont make it right, but they make it even? Party Girl #3 nods. A beat. PARTY GIRL #2 (CONTD) Did you know that even if Jesus had survived the cross they never would have been able to use his hands for the Allstate logo? 00020000073A00011BC9734,Party Girl #3 nods. A beat. PARTY GIRL #2 (CONTD) Did you know those people we thought were called the shits are actually called the she-ites? Party Girl #3 nods. A beat. PARTY GIRL #2 (CONTD) Did you know that if you have your period during a full moon you turn into a werewolf? party girl #3 Okay, now thats just stupid. PARTY GIRL #2 Its scientific fact, hone. Now were on a section of the party that is circled around a campfire. AN ACCOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYER is singing and playing for the crowd. accoustic guitar player (to the crowd) See if this one rings a bell. (as he plays) Here comes Jesus and hes looking real pissed. Holy crap. Hes got a gat. You better pray that your not gay. Or youll burn. For all etern. Applause. accOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYER (CONTD) (to the crowd) Tell me if this one sounds familiar. (as he plays the guitar part from the chorus of Signs by Tesla) Sores. Sores. Everywhere theres sores. All over my body and some in my nose. Itch this. Dont itch that. Cant you tell I have AIDS? Applause. ACCOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYER (CONTD) (to the crowd) This ones a fan favorite. (as he plays the guitar part from the chorus of Dont Do Me Like That by Tom Petty) Dont Jew me like that. Dont Jew me like that. You gave me 10 dollars, but you owe me 4 more. accOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYER (CONT'D) (to the crowd) You should recognize this one. (as he pays the guitar part from the chorus of Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen) Glory holes. Well theyll get you by. Glory holes. Till your wife lets you back in her thighs. Glory holes. Glory holes. Applause. accOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYER (CONTD) Thank you. Thank you. Im going to be heading off now. The crowd lets out a groan. accOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYER (CONTD) Now. Now. If anybody wants to suck my dick, my erection and I will be down by the pier. 000200000661000122FD65B,Another PARTY GUY gets on a bullhorn. party guy #3 (through a bullhorn) Hey, everybody! We finally got the projector running! So grab another beer and lets all watch The Miracle Worker. ext - side of a tree - night Jake is sharpening his samurai sword, perhaps preparing himself for another night of killing. Then he hears something off in the distance. He remains silent, trying to decipher the noise. It sounds like a vacuum cleaner. Then something grab his attention from the corner of his eye. He turns his head and A BRIGHT LIGHT shines in his face. The noise, which is definitely that of a vacuum cleaner is growing LOUDER. The LIGHT is shining more brightly. He covers his face. This NOISE is now directly on top of him. Against better judgement he uncovers his face and looks up into the BLINDING light. Is it the gateway to heaven? No. Its Maid Marion, 10 feet tall, floating in the sky and vacuuming. Jakes mouth agape. He is speechless. Maid Marion turns off the vacuum cleaner. maid marion Hello, Jake. jake Maid. Maid Marion. Is it really you? MAID MARION Yes, Jake. It is really me. JAKE What...what are you doing here? MAID MARION Ive come to help you. JAKE Help me? I dont understand. mAID MARION Your soul is need of some suturing. Jake is confused. maid MARION (CONTD) It means to close up an old wound. jake Oh, Maid Marion. I miss you so much. maid MARION I know, Jake. But, dont worry about me. Im doing great. jake But, your living in Mexico. maid MARION Its okay. Ive got a job at the Nike Factory. I actually work less and make more for them than I did with your family. 00020000060A00012958604,JAKE Really? maid MARION Yes, and I also put a down payment on a very spacious mud hut. jake Thats great, Maid Marion. maid MARION I know my deportation destroyed your gringo family, but you must stop this killing at once. JAKE Oh, Im not killing because I came from a broken home. maid MARION Your not. jake No. Well, thats not the main reason. maid MARION Then, why? jake Im killing because Im a black man... MAID MARION ...well thats okay. JAKE ...who happens to have a small penis. Maid Marion does a Huh look with her face. MAID MARION Is that right? JAKE Yes. MAID MARION You poor son of a bitch. jake So, now you see the pain I live with. maid MARION I do, Jake. I do. JAKE What can I do? maid MARION Well, in honor of the title of Metallicas first album, I just have one thing to say. Kill em all. With that Maid Marion turns her vacuum cleaner back on and flies off into the sky. jake I love you Maid Marion. Jake picks up and sword and runs off into the night. ext - the cabin - night Back at the party. The bulk of the party-goers are sitting in front of a large white screen (drive-in style), drinking beer, smoking weed and watching, The Miracle Worker. Every time Helen Keller tries to talk the inebriated crowd erupts with laughter. party guy #4 (to the guy next to him) Watch. Shes going to try and talk again. Helen Keller (OS) (on the screen) Blaahh...blah..blah.......blahhhh. HUGE laughter from the crowd. anne sullivan (os) (on the screen) Come on, bitch. Talk. God damn it. Talk. 0002000005FE00012F5C5F8,ON THE SCREEN: Anne Sullivan STRIKES Helen Keller with a whip. HELEN KELLER Blah. Blah. Blaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh anne SULIVAN Thats it, dumbass. Spit it out. helEN KELLER Blaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. HUGE laughter from the crowd. PARTY GUY #4 (to the guy next to him) Damn, dog. That bitch is fucked up. Then: from behind the screen a FOREIGN OBJECT IS PROJECTED onto the screen. It looks like the shape of a man walking towards the screen from the other side. The object raises a long sharp object and SLASHES THROUGH THE SCREEN. It is Jake and his samurai sword. jake (to everyone) Prepare to die, motherfuckers! Jake LUNGES at a small group of party people and SLICES them to pieces. Their limbs and blood spray everywhere on the movie screen. Another 2 kids get up, but before they can take off, Jake SLICES OFF THEIR LEGS. More blood. 2 girls manage to escape and take off running into the woods. Jake CHASES after them. He takes repeated swings at the kids, but misses. The 2 girls run up to the lake. Their stuck. They turn around and Jake slashes off all 4 of their breasts. Their severed breasts land on to the ground. ON THE BREASTS: 4 tiny lumps of saline implants crawl out of the breasts like slugs and slowly CRAWL away. Jake takes off again. He returns to the cabin to find the remaining survivors all holding torches. They have him cornered. party GUY #1 (to Jake) Give it up, man! Weve got you surrounded! Jake looks for an exit, but alas there isnt one. He is indeed trapped. party GUY #1 (CONTD) 0002000006350001355462F,Put down the sword! Jake thinks about giving up. Jane Why are you doing this? jake Because. JANE Because, why? jake Because, I have a small dick. JANE So? JAKE Have you noticed Im black? jane Oh, yeah. Good point. party girl #2 Well, how small is it? jake Why should I tell you. So you can laugh? PARTY GIRL #2 Just curious. JAKE Alright. (with utter and complete shame) Its barely 8 and a half inches. WE see the girls, all white, stare at Jake with complete and total amazement. Some of their mouths agape in disbelief. party girl #2 Im sorry. How big? JAKE I said its barely 8 and a half inches. PARTY GIRL #2 God damn! Are you serious? JAKE Unfortunately. PARTY GIRL #2 Guy, thats more than enough. JAKE What? PARTY GIRL #1 She said thats more than enough. party GIRL #3 Yeah, no kidding. The girls all nod and agree. Their nods all saying what they wouldnt give for a boyfriend with an 8 and a half inch-er. Some of them give their boyfriends, all white, a You Suck look. The white guys are noticeably ashamed. jake (greatly relieved) So, you mean Im...Im...I stack up. Im going to be okay? PARTY GIRL #3 Hell, yes. JAKE (putting down the sword) Well, I guess this has all been one big misunderstanding. I...I am sorry. Guess Ill just head on home. Jake starts to walk off. However, it wont be that easy. The remaining guys, all white, have a new demeanor about them. It is one of envy. Penis envy. They are enraged with it. ALL THE WHITE GUYS START SURROUNDING JAKE. jake (CONTD) Calm down, guys. Im sure you measure up just fine. 00020000087600013B83870,They get closer. jake (CONTD) Come on now. Lets be cool about this. They get even closer. jake (CONTD) Remember what they say, its not the size that counts, its how you use it. THATS IT. The white guys lunge after Jake like crazed zombies which they have TURNED INTO and DEVOUR him. They tear him to pieces and start eating his flesh, as zombies are prone to do. THEN: Looking around for someone else to kill and only seeing themselves, they start attacking each other. Its total fucking chaos as they tear into each others flesh, ripping each other apart limb from limb. A cop car pulls up. Its the sheriff, constable and deputy. The three of them jump out of the car, remove their guns and starting BLASTING the zombies. Bullets zoom into the zombies, but they have no effect what so ever. The zombies overtake the three policeman despite repeated gunshot wounds and eat them alive. Then they turn around and take off after the girls. The girls split up running. WE follow Jane as she takes off, followed by some of the zombies. Jane hurries through some trees, DUCKING HER WAY out of the path of some of the zombies. Eventually she runs up to the lake and out on to the pier. She finds a small boat and gets in it. She turns around to undo the rope when she is startled by 2 people. It is Amy and Bob. amy Jane, whats going on? jane Guys, we got to get the fuck out of here! AMY Why? JANE (pointing back to the land) Look! WE see the white guy zombies have closed in on the pier and are approaching rather quickly. amy Where they doing shots of Jagermeister? jane No, their sick. Sick with envy. amy So. jane You dont understand. Their sick with penis envy. amy Oh, dear God. Amy gets in the boat with Jane. amy (CONTD) Bob, start the motor and lets get the hell out of here! bob Alright! jane How do you know Bob wont get it? amy Honey, Bob may be dumber than dirt, but hes hung like a horse. Bob starts up the motor. The boat begins to drift away. amy (CONTD) Hurry, Bob. Get in. bob Okay. Bob gets a running start, JUMPS OFF THE PIER and lands right into the boats propeller, spraying his guts everywhere. 000200000BA7000143F3BA1,amy Bob! jane (while speeding up the boat) No time for mourning. We got to go! Amy and Jane take off in the boat. The moonlight casts a hazy glow of the girls as they speed off down the river, leaving the remaining zombies on the pier. Fade to black. Fade in. ext - the boat (moving) - daybreak Amy and Jane are floating in their tiny, fuel-less boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. They look exhausted and beat. amy I can't believe we survived that whole ordeal. jane I know. But, how are we going to get home? Were in the middle of the Pacific in a fuel-less boat. amy Someones bound to come by sooner or later. A beat. jane Did I ever tell I fantasize about Stephen Hawking? amy What? jane Its true. Ive had a crush on him since I was little. amy Your joking, right? jane Nope. Ive read all his books. Sometimes when Im sunbathing topless I dream about him driving me around in his wheelchair. Taking me out to a fancy restaurant. Then making love to me like only a robot could. AMY I guess having sex with Stephen Hawking is the next best thing to sleeping with Robocop. Jane nods. Then: A LOUD HORN IS HEARD. The girls are startled. They turn around to see a BRIGHT, HEAVENLY LIGHT shining at them through the early morning darkness. jane (light shining brightly in her face) Oh, my God. What is that light? AMY (light shining brightly in her face) I dont know. Maybe were descending into heaven. JANE I wouldnt think so. Were Pagans, remember? amy Oh, yeah. Then: A VOICe from the light (OS) Hello, down there! Are you guys okay? amy Yes, but we need help. A VOICE from the light (os) Thats what were here for. jane Who are you? A VOICE FROM THE LIGHT (OS) We are the peace corps and were here to help. Amy and Jane look at each other. amy/jane The peace corps? A LADDER is lowered from the light onto their boat. Amy and Jane climb up the ladder and INTO THE BRIGHT LIGHT. ext - peace corps ship - continUOUS Amy and Jane step over the ship railing and onto the deck. They are greeted by a member of the peace corps. PEACE CORPS OFFICER #1 is angelic in his stature. A man of pure graciousness. peace corps officer #1 Hello, there. We thought you could use some help. amy Thank you. Thank you so much. peace corps officer #1 Its what we do. Were on our way to Greenland to save some baby seals. Can we drop you off at the nearest port? jane Yes, that would be fantastic. Thank you so much. Peace Corps Officer #1 smiles. ext - aircraft carrier - day Amy and Jane step on the aircraft carrier from the Peace Corps ship. amy Thank you so much. Were both eternally grateful. peace CORPS OFFICER #1 Its what we do. int - aircraft carrier lobby - day Amy and Jane are sitting in the waiting area, awaiting their plane. amy Well, girl. We might live through this yet. A messenger walks up to the girls. messenger Hello, are you Amy and Jane? amy/Jane Yes, we are. messENGER I got a message for each of you. 000200000A9A00014F94A94,The messenger hands an envelope to each girl. Amy opens hers first and reads it. amy Oh, my God, Jane! jane What is it? amy This is a financial aid award letter! jane That's great. amy Do you know what this means? jane What? amy I can finally go back to school and finish getting my masters. jane Congratulations girl. amy What does your letter say? jane I don't know. Let's see. Jane opens her letter and reads it. jane (CONT'D) Oh, my God, Amy! amy What is it? jane This is a letter informing me I have contracted the AIDS virus. amy Your kidding, right? jane (reading from letter) No it says, "Dear Jane, Got AIDS. Get it like in those milk commercials, only in this case we are sorry to inform you that you do got AIDS. Tough break, kiddo. We have also sent you an e-mail, so check your junk mail folder and make sure it's not in there. If our letter is in your junk mail folder, please add our address to your safe list so our future e-mails don't get sent there. You never know, we may find a cure for this disease and I'd hate to think you missed out on it, because your e-mail filterer thought our letter was just another penis enlargement ad. We are very sorry about the AIDS you now have. When you die we will stop sending the e-mails. Sincerely, the hospital. P.S. Don't bleed on anybody." Jane drops the letter. AMY Oh, Jane. I'm so sorry. Amy pulls Jane into her arms and hugs her. jane I can't believe this. amy I know, honey. It's a cruel, cruel world we live in. I mean, we both get AIDS. I get the financial kind and you get the fatal kind. A man in a pilots uniform walks up to the girls. pilot Girls, were ready to go. The girls start walking through the tunnel that connects to the airplane. Amy puts her arm around Jane. AMY Dont you worry. Im going to stand by you and together well beat this thing. jane Thanks. They are now standing in front of the cockpit door, waiting to get on the plane. amy Were going to get on this plane. Get home. And I promise everything will be alright. jane Okay. Amy and Jane walk onto the plane. The cockpit door is slid SHUT. We PULL IN to the closed door and see that the name of the airline is We Are Marshall Airlines. int - casino - day The Obligatory creepy old guy is lifelessly PLAYING a slot machine by himself. He puts a quarter in, yanks the lever and comes up snakes eyes. obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN God damn it to hell. He PULLS what might be his final quarter from his pocket, pops it in the machine and yanks down on the lever. CHA-CHING!!! The MACHINE explodes to life firing hundreds of tokens out like a burst pinata. The TOKENS spill out onto the floor. obLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN (CONT'D) 00020000092900015A28923,Holy fucking shit! The Obligatory creepy old guy FRANTICALLY begins scooping up the tokens and tossing them in a bucket. An elderly woman walks up to HELP him. ELDERLY WOMAN (as she kneels down) Here. Let me help you. BOOM! The elderly woman GOES FLYING into a row of slot machines. Which is bound to happen when a someone does a reverse dropkick on your ass. Which the Obligatory creepy old guy has just done. OBLIGATORY CREEPY OLD MAN Back off bitch! Thats my money! Its all mine! The Obligatory creepy old guy lets out a SADISTIC laugh for a few beats as he greedily stuffs his bucket with more tokens. THEN: He GRABS his chest like somebody just stuck a knife in it. The air has just been RIPPED from his sails. obligATORY CREEPY OLD MAN (CONTD) (to everyone, defeated) God damn this world. The Obligatory creepy old guy FALLS to his knees and crashes into a slot machine. WE start to zoom out, as several of the other elderly people gather around the now dead obligatory creepy old guy and start POCKETING his tokens. Two paramedics WALK up and also get in on the token free for all. This LEADS to punches being thrown, hair being pulled and genuine chaos. int - we are marshall airplane (moving) - day The small plane is zooming through the air. WE see all the passengers pump their fists in the air and shout in unison: all the passengers We are finished! ext - the dog park (lake hollywood) - day A serene, tranquil day as various yuppies walk their pets in this dog park right below the famous Hollywood Sign. THEN: The We Are Marshall Plane comes flying into view and CRASHES head first into the Hollywood sign. It EXPLODES. ext - wide shot of downtown la - day LA EXPLODES into a blaze of glory. EXT - WIDE SHOT OF AMERICA - DAY America EXPLODES into a blaze of glory. ext - outside the surface of the earth - day LOOKING DOWN on the Earth we see it gradually become engulfed in flames. WE stay on the burning world for a few beats. THEN WE VEER TO THE LEFT AND SEE: an enormous ship, the words Peace Corps on the side flying from the exploding Earth and BECOMING encompassed in a GLORIOUS LIGHT. The ship FLIES PAST US and up towards a BLUE HEAVENLY PLANET seen way off in the enormity of the universe. JUMP CUT TO BLACK END CREDiTS ROLL WHILE great white buffalo by ted nugent plays. 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Action1ActionAction?Courier Final Draft 0 Z Action2 Character Character?Courier Final Draft 0  Dialogue3 Parenthetical Parenthetical?Courier Final Draft 0 Dialogue4 CharacterDialogue?Courier Final Draft 0 Action5 Parenthetical Transition?Courier Final Draft 0 2  Scene Heading6 CharacterShot?Courier Final Draft 0 Z Action Scene Heading7 CharactersTCHh, jane boyfriend girlfriend jake bobSHERIFF cons constabledeputy amy daryl!obligatory creepy old man bib janr jakes motherjakeS chang depuOPENING STATEMENT ELDERLY WOMANHARLEM GLOBETROTTERimmigration officer #1 maid marion party guy #1 party guy #2question reader party girl #1accoustic guitar player dale party girl #2 party girl #3 party guy #3 party guy #4 Helen Keller anne sulivan anne sullivanA VOICE IN THE DISTANCEA VOICE from the lightamy/jane peace corpspeace corps officer #1 pilotall the passengersBIKE-RIDING ASSHOLEsTCE (V.O.) (O.S.) (O.C.) (CONT'D) (SUBTITLE) (CONTD)(os)(VO) (CONTD)amy sTTR Cut To: Fade In: Fade Out. Fade To: Dissolve To: Back To: Match Cut To: Jump Cut To:Fade To Black.&)sTSITIntExtI/E int/ext!Bank of a lakea shabby cabinrestaurant patio!Kitchen, a shabby mobile home"police station conference roompolice station hallwaythe sheriffs home The cabin the woods,(in the woods further down from the cabin casino$ the sheriffs home (front porch)mexican border the sheriffs home (kitchen)#the sheriffs home (front lawn)$ the sheriffs home (living room)!the sheriffs home (driveway) a shabby mobile home (porch) car (moving)side of the roada shabby mobile homedriveway of the cabinside of a treethe boat on a lake (moving)peace corps shipaircraft carrieraircraft carrier lobby$ we are marshall airline (moving)!the dog park (lake hollywood)wide shot of downtown laWIDE SHOT OF AMERICA$ outside the surface of the earthpolice car (moving)'qsTST< Day Night Afternoon Morning Evening Later Moments Later Continuous The Next Day day/EXTday continuous/EXT twilight9mCRO9INTINT. Scene Heading01119EXTEXT. 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