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INT. JIM'S DORM - MORNING
Our hero JIM KRAMER, 18, stands alone in his dorm. He wears a
blank expression on his face. He appears lost and troubled.
Some would say that he is standing at the proverbial
"crossroads". Jim removes a folded envelope from one of his
drawers. He stares at it, while thinking to himself.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "JIM KRAMER: COLLEGE FRESHMAN"
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "QUIET BEFORE THE STORM"
FADE IN:
INT. STAPLES - DAY
Jim and his girlfriend ABBEY, 18, peruse the aisles for
supplies, in preparation for the start of the new school
year.
ABBEY
(re: the staples)
How 'bout these?
JIM
Staples?
ABBEY
Yeah.
JIM
I don't have a stapler.
ABBEY
Then we'll buy one.
JIM
I really don't need one.
ABBEY
Oh come on.
JIM
What?
ABBEY
Just buy them.
JIM
I honestly don't think I'll ever
have any use for a stapler.
ABBEY
So you intend on only writing one
page papers for the rest of your
life?
She eyes him down. He gives in.
JIM
Oh how you keep me in check. Get
the staples, and the stapler.
ABBEY
Okay. You'll be thanking me later.
JIM
(looks around)
I don't see any staplers.
ABBEY
I think they're in the next aisle.
JIM
They keep the staples and staplers
in separate aisles? What the hell
kind of operation are they running
here? I mean they're not two
mutually exclusive items.
ABBEY
Should I go get the manager?
JIM
I think you should.
ABBEY
Then we can ask him where the
staple removers are.
JIM
Now I need something to remove the
staples? Man you're lucky you're
beautiful, 'cause if you weren't
then I'd actually have the ability
to say no to you.
ABBEY
Aww how sweet.
INT. STAPLES - NOTEBOOK AISLE
Time has passed. Abbey is now pushing a shopping cart full of
supplies.
ABBEY
What kind of notebooks are you
gonna get? Marble? They're
traditional, very classy.
JIM
Spiral. They're more academic, more
college.
ABBEY
I never knew you were such a
supporter of academia.
JIM
I'm not. I just figured that maybe
it would impress some of my
teachers.
ABBEY
Professors. In college they're
called professors, and they won't
care. You could get notebooks that
are diamond encrusted and they
still won't bat an eyelash.
JIM
How do you know?
ABBEY
I've heard tales.
JIM
From who?
ABBEY
My cousin. She's a sophomore. She
let me in on a few little secrets.
JIM
You got yourself a head start.
Lucky you.
ABBEY
I do consider myself lucky, but for
other reasons all together.
She plants one on him.
ABBEY (CONT'D)
Now get the marble ones and lets
get out of here. I need food.
JIM
Said the starving inhabitant of a
third world country.
INT. PEBBLE BROOK DINER - DAY
Jim and Abbey are in the middle of lunch.
They sit amongst the silence. They both go about eating their
food, occasionally meeting each other's glances, but
ultimately justing look around.
ABBEY
(hesitates)
So... do you think we can do this?
JIM
I thought we had this talk already.
ABBEY
I know. It still worries me though,
so we need to keep talking about
it.
JIM
I'm worried about it too. But this
is one of those things that we're
gonna have to get through. Now
let's not get into this again.
We've had a nice day so far and I'd
like to keep it that way.
ABBEY
I'm sorry.
JIM
Don't apologize, you're right to be
concerned. Totally right. It's just
that I wanted to enjoy this last
week with you without that on my
mind.
ABBEY
But do you think we'll make it?
JIM
I'm completely positive that we
will.
So positive in fact, I'll even put
a hundred grand on it. How does
that sound?
Abbey smiles.
ABBEY
Where are you gonna get a hundred
grand from?
JIM
The candy store.
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jim and Abbey are laying in bed staring at the ceiling.
ABBEY
(re: the light blue
ceiling)
I'm glad you painted it.
JIM
Really?
ABBEY
Every time I looked at it I felt
like I was having fillings put in.
The light blue is a nice touch.
JIM
It kind of reminds me of the sky.
Like I have a glass ceiling or
something.
ABBEY
What are you six? That was so
juvenile.
JIM
Thank you. I may even paint some
white clouds. Make it more
atmospheric.
Abbey pinches his cheek.
ABBEY
(impersonating an old
Jewish mother)
You're adorable!
JIM
I know. Where did you ever find me?
ABBEY
The phrase "count my blessings"
takes on a whole new meaning.
JIM
That's right, you better start
counting sweetheart. That's a hell
of a lot of blessings.
ABBEY
(pauses)
We're gonna make it.
Jim doesn't respond. He just stares nervously at the ceiling,
while Abbey rests her head on his shoulder.
TITLE CARD: "AND AWAY WE GO"
EXT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY - DAY
Jim, his mother and father, EMILY and RICHARD, mid 40's, are
standing outside on the sprawling lawns of Winfield
University.
RICHARD
This place looked a lot smaller in
the brochure. Didn't it?
JIM
Well brochures are generally small
to begin with, so they probably had
to crop the picture.
EMILY
You know what you should get? One
of those scooter things. The ones
with the two big wheels. What are
they called?
RICHARD
"Segways".
EMILY
That's them. You should get one.
JIM
I'm not getting a "Segway".
EMILY
How come? Having one would make
things easier on yourself.
JIM
Chances are it would just
complicate my life. And I doubt
that they're even allowed on
campus.
Two guys on "Segways" ride by, passing Jim and his parents.
SEGWAY RIDER 1
(to Jim)
Freshmen?
JIM
Yeah.
SEGWAY RIDER 2
(exiting frame)
Welcome to Winfield.
JIM
(to Emily)
I'm not getting a "Segway".
EMILY
Oh come on. It'll be our treat.
RICHARD
(to Emily)
What's that now?
INT. WINFIELD DORMS - MAIN ENTRANCE - DAY
The main lobby is bustling with incoming freshman and their
parents lugging suitcases and furniture. Jim pauses a moment
to take it all in.
EMILY
Do you think you packed enough?
JIM
Yes.
EMILY
Are you sure?
JIM
Yes.
EMILY
But all these kids have a lot more
bags then you do.
JIM
Maybe they're just really vain and
shallow. Did you ever think of
that?
RICHARD
Let's just go find your room.
The ORIENTATION LEADER, 22, sneaks up behind them.
ORIENTATION LEADER
(shouts)
Do I smell freshman?!?
This startles Jim and his parents.
ORIENTATION LEADER (CONT'D)
Sorry I scared you. I'm just really
amped up.
RICHARD
About what?
ORIENTATION LEADER
The new year, duh.
EMILY
Oh, how nice. Isn't that nice Jim?
JIM
It's different.
ORIENTATION LEADER
(to Jim)
I bet you're dying to see your
room?
JIM
Oh yeah, it's just killing me.
ORIENTATION LEADER
Then let's do it to it.
Jim cringes.
INT. WINFIELD DORMS - HALLWAY
Jim and his parents lug the bags through the halls while
being led by the Orientation Leader.
ORIENTATION LEADER
My name's Mickey by the way.
EMILY
(to Jim)
Like the mouse?
Jim nods yes.
RICHARD
It's a pleasure Mickey.
MICKEY
The pleasure's all on this side of
the hall, believe me.
(To Jim)
So are you nervous?
JIM
No.
MICKEY
I bet you can't wait to get rid of
these old balls and chains, if you
know what I mean, right?
(To Richard and Emily)
Ha! I'm just jazzing you guys. I'm
sure you're phenomenal parents.
Emily and Richard give each other blank looks.
RICHARD
So what year are you in?
MICKEY
I'm a senior sir. I can't believe
it though. Neither can my parents.
Their little boy's all grown up.
Emily notices a cork board on the wall. Attached is a manila
envelope overflowing with neon colored condoms and a sign
that reads: "Take one, take two, take three..."
EMILY
(re: the sign)
Oh my.
MICKEY
Oh... that. Yeah, I told them to
take that down.
JIM
I bet they turned a deaf ear, huh?
MICKEY
Yes, yes they did.
JIM
That's a shame.
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
The group enters the room. It consists of two beds, two
dressers, and one desk.
MICKEY
Well here it is. Your new home away
from home.
Jim takes it all in.
JIM
It'll do.
MICKEY
Now keep in mind that this is a
coed floor.
EMILY
Jim actually has a special someone
already.
MICKEY
Oh, well good for you. But no
reason why you can't make some
female friends. I have tons of
female friends.
JIM
Of course you do.
EXT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY - DAY
Jim and his parents are by their car.
Emily is wiping tears from her eyes.
JIM
(joking)
Mom can you be anymore cliche?
EMILY
Oh shut up. My problem is I care to
much.
JIM
It's your only flaw.
(To Richard)
Try not to let her worry to much.
RICHARD
It'll be a challenge. But you be
safe. Call if you need anything.
EMILY
Anything at all. No matter what
time either. We'll keep the phone
by the bed.
Jim gives them both a hug.
JIM
Drive safe.
He watches them as they get into the car and drive off.
JIM (CONT'D)
(to himself)
And away we go.
TITLE CARD: "CELL MATE"
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
Jim begins unpacking his bags on the right side of the room.
His phone rings.
JIM
Hello?
ABBEY
(on the phone)
I miss you.
JIM
Already? Damn I'm good.
ABBEY
Are you all settled in?
JIM
I just started unpacking. You?
ABBEY
My room's now officially ready to
be lived in.
JIM
Good for you. How's your roommate?
ABBEY
She's great. Or least she just
seems great, for now.
JIM
What's her name?
ABBEY
Mary Jane.
JIM
Shut up.
ABBEY
I'm serious. She put up this poster
of Bob Marley that glows in the
dark. It's pretty trippy.
JIM
That's hilarious. She's gonna have
a lot of friends, especially around
four-ish.
ABBEY
What about you? What's his name,
what's he like?
JIM
Well actually, he's MIA.
ABBEY
Oh so you're all by your lonesome?
JIM
Yeah. No biggie. I'm sure he'll be
here soon, so I'm gonna try and
enjoy my last few minutes of
privacy.
ABBEY
Are you nervous to meet him?
JIM
No nerves really, just a little
anxiety I guess. We're gonna be
spending a lot of time together, so
he better be awesome.
ABBEY
Like you?
JIM
Duh.
There's a knock on the door.
JIM (CONT'D)
I think that's him.
ABBEY
Well I guess I better leave you to
him then.
JIM
I guess so. You don't get more than
one first impression.
ABBEY
Before you go, you wanna know
something?
There's another knock.
JIM
(to the visitor)
Just a second.
(To Abbey)
What's that?
ABBEY
Right now we're only four hours and
seventeen minutes apart from each
other. That's not that bad right?
JIM
It's not bad at all. I gotta go
though. I'll call you back soon.
ABBEY
Okay, I love you.
JIM
I miss you too.
Jim closes the phone.
He goes and opens the door. Standing there is a strikingly
beautiful BRUNETTE, 18.
BRUNETTE
Hi.
Jim is somewhat taken back by her beauty, but is basically
just shocked to see a girl and not his new roommate.
JIM
You're not my roommate are you?
BRUNETTE
No, I'm actually your neighbor from
directly across the hall.
Jim glances over her shoulder to the room directly behind
her.
JIM
Oh, cool.
BRUNETTE
My name's Layla.
JIM
Like the song?
LAYLA
Yes like the song.
JIM
That's awesome.
LAYLA
Well not when you've never heard
the song it's not.
JIM
You've never heard it? Are you
kidding me?
LAYLA
Yes. I just like telling people
that.
JIM
Why?
LAYLA
Fun, I guess.
JIM
Oh. Well that's sadistic.
Layla lets out a chuckle.
LAYLA
Why thank you.
JIM
I'm Jim by the way.
LAYLA
Well that was my next question.
Very nice to meet you neighbor.
JIM
So are you part of the welcome
committee or something?
LAYLA
No, I just figured since we're
probably gonna be seeing a lot of
each other, I might as well know
your name. So that way when we pass
one another, instead of saying,
"Hey you", I can say, "Hey..."
JIM
Jim.
LAYLA
Right. Jim. Sorry 'bout that.
JIM
Don't mention it Kayla.
LAYLA
Very funny.
Jim's phone rings.
JIM
Excuse me one second.
He answers it.
JIM (CONT'D)
Hello?
(Pause)
Yes mom, I'm fine.
Layla laughs.
JIM (CONT'D)
Yes I'm sure.
(Pause)
What am I doing? Well actually I've
just been unpacking and drinking
heavily, all while having
unprotected sex of course. And I'm
just about to do a line of coke, so
make with it.
Layla laughs again.
JIM (CONT'D)
You're right it's not funny. But I
kid because I love mom.
Tell dad that he can stop circling
the campus and drive home. Buh-bye.
Jim hangs up.
JIM (CONT'D)
Sorry about that.
LAYLA
That's alright. Now I know that I
have a funny neighbor.
JIM
Correction, hysterical neighbor.
LAYLA
And a very modest one at that. Well
I'm gonna let you get back to
unpacking and go do a little of my
own.
JIM
Okay. It was nice meeting you...
What is it again? "Cocaine"? Oh
wait, Layla, that's it.
LAYLA
(sarcastic)
Ha ha. You're a regular Jay Leno.
Layla backs into her room, shoots Jim a smile and closes the
door.
Jim calmly closes the door. He goes back to packing for a
bit. All of a sudden he comes to a realization. He takes out
his cell phone and calls his best friend, the obnoxious loud
mouth LAWRENCE, 18.
LAWRENCE
(on the phone)
Hello?
JIM
I think I just flirted with a girl
that isn't my girlfriend.
Lawrence hangs up the phone.
Jim calls back.
JIM (CONT'D)
Did you just hang up on me?
LAWRENCE
(on the phone)
Yes Jim I did.
JIM
Why?
LAWRENCE
Well because I'm in college. And
when you're in college you have the
right to hang up on anyone if you
feel that the conversation is going
to be a waste of your time.
JIM
Are you fucking kidding me?
LAWRENCE
No I'm not fucking kidding you. And
since you're in college too,
consider this your first lesson.
JIM
It's a pretty shitty lesson, if you
ask me.
LAWRENCE
But I'm not asking. I'm telling. So
go ahead and deal with it. And
besides, even the shitty ones are
worth something.
JIM
So you're not gonna hear me out at
all? Not even for old time's sake?
LAWRENCE
Well you can consider yourself
lucky.
JIM
And why is that?
LAWRENCE
I'm actually in between parties
right now, so here's what I'll do
for you. I'm gonna act out how this
conversation's gonna go. Okay?
JIM
I can tell that this won't be
anything less than interesting.
LAWRENCE
Here it goes.
(In a girly voice)
Oh I'm Jim, I think I flirted with
a girl. Wah wah. I love my
girlfriend. Wah. I'm on my period.
Double wah.
(Normal voice)
There, are you all caught up now?
JIM
I think I got it.
LAWRENCE
Good. So here's my response. Did
you accidentally flirt with a girl?
Yes, you probably did. Why? Mainly
because you're just a charming
motherfucker and you can't control
that. So for the love of god don't
fret about this. Got it chief?
JIM
I guess.
LAWRENCE
Now I'm gonna go because I sense a
beer pong game being played without
me. I'll give you a ring soon.
JIM
Alright. Go easy on them.
LAWRENCE
They do not know that they are
about to enter a world of pain.
Jim closes the phone and goes back to unpacking.
There are three loud knocks at the door.
Jim goes and opens the door. Standing there is an AVERAGE
LOOKING BOY, 19.
JIM
Hey.
AVERAGE LOOKING BOY
What's up broseph.
JIM
Um... nothing.
AVERAGE LOOKING BOY
Am I your new roommate?
JIM
I don't know. Are you?
AVERAGE LOOKING BOY
Sure why not.
JIM
Okay.
AVERAGE LOOKING BOY
Great. Now we're in business.
He shakes Jim's hand.
JIM
Come in, come out from the cold.
Make yourself at home. I hope you
don't mind that I claimed this side
of the room.
AVERAGE LOOKING BOY
No worries. That side's fine with
me.
JIM
Cool.
AVERAGE LOOKING BOY
I'm gay by the way.
JIM
(caught off guard)
Oh... right on.
AVERAGE LOOKING BOY
Are you?
JIM
No. No, straight as a hundred
eighty degrees. Sorry.
AVERAGE LOOKING BOY
Once again, no worries.
JIM
Cool.
AVERAGE LOOKING BOY
Silly me, I went ahead and gave you
my sexual orientation before even
telling you my name. You can call
me Mary.
JIM
What?
AVERAGE LOOKING BOY
I'm kidding. My name's Colin.
JIM
Oh okay. I'm Jim.
COLIN
Not James?
JIM
No, just Jim.
COLIN
Okay then. Mind giving me a
handjob?
JIM
What?!?
COLIN
I'm kidding. Gosh you breeders
scare easily. Can you give me a
hand... with my stuff?
JIM
Yes I can.
COLIN
Wonderful. I say this is the
beginning of a beautiful
friendship. "Casablanca", I love
that movie.
JIM
That's actually my girlfriend's
favorite movie.
COLIN
Is she hot?
JIM
(sarcastic)
Of course she is. What kind of
shallow heterosexual do you take me
for?
TITLE CARD: "PARTAY"
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
Jim is sitting in bed talking to Abbey on the phone.
ABBEY
(on the phone)
So where is he now?
JIM
He's down the hall taking a shower.
Want me to go get him?
ABBEY
So you've got a gay roommate.
JIM
Yes I do. Not that there's anything
wrong with that.
ABBEY
No, of course not. It's just cool.
It's so college.
JIM
Yeah I'll give you that. He does
really seem like a nice guy.
ABBEY
Well that's good. Lady luck appears
to be on your side.
JIM
It certainly appears that way, for
now. So you have your first class
today?
ABBEY
Yeah it's gonna be a tough day, one
whole class.
JIM
My poor baby.
ABBEY
I still can't believe you have a
gay roommate.
JIM
Okay, could you give it up?
ABBEY
Sorry.
Colin enters in his bathrobe.
JIM
(to Colin)
How was your shower?
COLIN
Jim, are you sure you're not gay?
JIM
Yes. I'm actually on the phone with
someone who can attest to that.
COLIN
Ooo, is that the girlfriend?
JIM
Yes.
COLIN
Tell her I said hi.
JIM
(to Abbey)
My gay roommate says hi.
COLIN
Your gay roommate huh?
JIM
That kinda sounds like the title
for a bad sitcom doesn't it?
ABBEY
Tell Colin that I said hi back.
JIM
(to Colin)
She says hi.
COLIN
What a sweetheart. So listen, on
the way back from the shower I
heard some rumblings in the hall
about a party on the floor tonight.
JIM
Party?
(To Abbey)
Pretty college ha?
COLIN
So are you in?
ABBEY
Say yes.
Jim hesitates.
JIM
Sure why not.
COLIN
She told you to say yes didn't she?
JIM
Well...
COLIN
If you're not down with it that's
cool.
JIM
Well I'm not usually one for a
party, but since it's on this floor
I don't think I can really avoid
it. So yeah, I'll make an
appearance.
ABBEY
Yay!
COLIN
Awesome. This will be a great way
for us to get our faces out there
and get in the game.
JIM
Maybe for you single folk. I'm
spoken for.
(To Abbey)
Isn't that right sweetie?
ABBEY
Damn right. Tell him I want you on
lockdown.
JIM
(to Colin)
She wants you to keep me on
lockdown. Make sure I don't mingle
with a member of the opposite sex.
COLIN
Tell her not to worry, I'm gonna
keep you tied up like the gimp.
JIM
Alright, we all gotta cool it with
the gay jokes!
INT. WINFIELD DORMS - HALLWAY - NIGHT
The party is in full swing. Loud obnoxious dance music fills
the halls. People are mingling about with drinks in hand. Jim
and Colin are standing in their doorway.
COLIN
So when do you think we'll be
leaving this lovely doorway?
JIM
Um... I really can't say. I'm kind
of in a comfort zone right now.
COLIN
Well I'm gonna leave you here for a
moment and go see which one of
these rooms has a keg in it.
JIM
Okay.
COLIN
Can I get you anything?
JIM
Pepsi?
COLIN
Yeah fat chance.
JIM
It was worth a shot.
COLIN
I'll be back. Don't stray too far
now.
Colin leaves the doorway stranding Jim with his hands in his
pockets. He stares across the hall at Layla's room. The door
is closed. He wonders what's on the other side, or whether or
not she's gonna come out. He looks down both ends of the hall
and surveys the crowd. He exhales, turns, and goes into his
room.
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER
He closes the door behind him and gets his phone from the
night stand. He climbs into bed and calls Abbey. It rings but
she doesn't pick up. Jim gets the answering machine.
JIM
Hey it's me. I just wanted to see
what you were up to. No big deal,
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Jim puts the phone down and tries to get some sleep despite
the loud music coming from the hall. He smothers his head
beneath the pillows.
INT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY CAFETERIA - MORNING
Jim is sitting by himself at one of the many tables in the
cafeteria eating his breakfast. He looks like he didn't get
much sleep the night before. He notices an attractive BLONDE
sitting in the far corner of the room. They make eye contact.
She gives him a flirtatious smile. He quickly looks back down
at his lunch.
Layla and her roommate MIRI, 18, enter the cafeteria. She
spots Jim and they go sit at his table.
LAYLA
Morning neighbor.
JIM
Morning.
LAYLA
I don't think you guys have met,
Jim this is my roommate Miri.
MIRI
Hi.
JIM
Nice to meet you.
LAYLA
So what was up last night?
JIM
Last night? What was last night?
LAYLA
You know, that loud get together on
our floor.
JIM
Oh that. Yeah I decided to call it
an early night.
LAYLA
What a party pooper.
MIRI
Hey it's always good to get some
extra sleep.
JIM
Thank you Miri.
LAYLA
Okay there's no need to take sides
now. All I'm saying is we could've
hung out last night. I'm just
trying to be neighborly.
JIM
I know, I'm just kidding around.
It's just that I'm not one of those
party monsters, so I hope you don't
take any offense.
LAYLA
No, relax, none taken.
JIM
So just out of curiosity, did you
guys have a good time last night?
MIRI
It wasn't bad. We met some cool
people on the floor.
LAYLA
Actually, we met your roommate.
JIM
Oh really? Did he mention that he's
gay?
LAYLA
Yes.
MIRI
Almost immediately in fact.
JIM
He apparently takes great pride in
it.
I certainly don't go around
proclaiming my heterosexuality. So
I kinda give him credit for it.
LAYLA
He's just a proud gay man.
MIRI
Good for him.
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT
Jim is at the desk typing on his laptop, while Colin is
folding clothes on his bed.
COLIN
So how was class today?
JIM
It was class, so how good could it
have been?
COLIN
Good point.
JIM
I kinda hoped it would be
different, you know, something a
little more fulfilling. Not like
the usual monotonous bullshit in
high school. Turns out the only
difference was the female presence.
COLIN
What do you mean?
JIM
I went to an all male high school.
COLIN
Shut up.
JIM
Yeah. And please don't tell me how
you would've loved that.
COLIN
Is it that obvious that I would've?
JIM
It's as plain as day my friend.
COLIN
Oh well. Anyway, I met our
neighbors from across the hall last
night.
JIM
Yeah, I saw them today. They
mentioned running into you.
COLIN
They seem like nice gals.
JIM
Yeah, sure.
COLIN
That Layla is gorgeous isn't she?
JIM
Um... I guess. I really don't know.
COLIN
Yes you do. You just can't admit it
because you've already got a girl.
JIM
And the problem with that is?
COLIN
No problem what so ever, I'm just
saying is all.
JIM
Alright.
COLIN
You know she was asking for you?
JIM
What?
COLIN
When she found out I was your
roommate she kept asking about you,
"Where's Jim? Do you know where he
is? I wonder if he's gonna show
up."
JIM
So?
COLIN
Once again, just saying is all.
TITLE CARD: "TAG"
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
Jim's phone is ringing on his bed. No one is in the room. The
phone keeps ringing. Jim comes in the room on the last ring.
JIM
Shit!
Jim throws his bag on the bed. He waits a minute and then
plays the message.
ABBEY
(on the message)
Hey it's me. I guess I must have
just missed you, or you're in
class. Oh well. Hope you're all
right. I'm actually on my way to
class for the day so don't call
back. My professor's put a ban on
cell phones. I think it's just
because he doesn't know how to use
one himself, so now they're
outlawed. What is it with old
people and technology? Something's
not right there. Anyway, I'll talk
to you soon. Love ya.
JIM
Dammit.
Colin enters.
COLIN
What's wrong?
JIM
Nothing.
COLIN
Oh it's something. I can tell. I'm
practically a woman, I have that
sense.
JIM
Nothing, it's just that I haven't
talked to Abbey in a few days.
COLIN
And?
JIM
We haven't gone this long without
any sort of communication since...
COLIN
Since when?
JIM
(hesitates)
Since I found out that she kinda
cheated on me and we kinda split
up.
COLIN
Kinda cheated on you?
JIM
Well she was drunk at the time.
COLIN
What a little bitch.
JIM
Hey watch it, you're talking about
my girlfriend.
COLIN
You're right, I'm sorry. But she
cheated on you.
JIM
But I still love her.
COLIN
And that's the reason why you took
her back?
Jim face becomes painted with regret.
COLIN (CONT'D)
What?
JIM
Never mind. Let's just change the
subject, okay?
COLIN
If you want to change the subject,
then we'll change the subject. No
problem. We'll pick up with this
some other time.
JIM
Alright.
COLIN
But right now I have to get to
class. I just stopped in to do my
hair.
JIM
Do your hair? What are you going to
class, or a single's bar?
COLIN
Hush up.
JIM
Oh please let me guess the name of
the bar. Is it..."The Tool Box?"
COLIN
Not funny breeder.
JIM
Relax, I'm just jerkin' your-
(Notices what he just
said)
Don't you dare say a word.
COLIN
Who little old me?
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT
Jim is alone in the dorm, doing homework at the desk.
There's a knock at the door.
JIM
Who is it?
LAYLA (O.S.)
It's me.
Jim hesitates for a minute. He runs around tidying up his
side of the room.
JIM
Come on in.
Layla enters.
LAYLA
Hey neighbor.
JIM
How's it going?
LAYLA
It's just going. You?
JIM
Catching up on some homework. Being
all studious and shit.
LAYLA
That's what we're here for isn't
it?
JIM
Apparently.
LAYLA
So listen, I have a favor to ask.
JIM
Shoot.
LAYLA
Well it's kinda the reason why I'm
here. See, I left my key-card in my
room, and Miri has a night class,
so I'm kinda sorta locked out.
JIM
So...
LAYLA
I sorta need a place to crash until
she gets back.
JIM
Um...
LAYLA
If I can't then don't worry about
it. It's alright.
JIM
No, of course you can hang here.
It's just that I don't think I can
be much of a host 'cause I gotta
get this stuff done by tomorrow.
That whole time management thing
isn't one of my strong points.
LAYLA
Don't worry about it. Consider me
invisible.
JIM
Okay. Just grab a seat and, well,
hang. Make yourself at home.
Jim goes back to his work.
Layla takes a seat on the floor.
Jim continues working, then finally realizes that she's
sitting on the floor.
JIM (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
LAYLA
Sitting, being invisible.
JIM
You're not seriously gonna sit
there until she gets back?
LAYLA
Yeah. I'm fine.
JIM
Well it's just that human beings
usually sit on chairs, sometimes
beds.
LAYLA
I don't want to be picky.
JIM
Please sit on the bed.
LAYLA
Which one?
JIM
Pick. Although I'll warn you that
if you choose Colin's you may end
up sitting in some sort of glitter.
LAYLA
I'm not one for risks, so I'll go
with yours.
JIM
Good, now I feel better. I can't
have guests sitting on the floor.
It's just not good business.
LAYLA
I understand.
Layla goes and sits on the bed. She sits there quietly,
surveying the room. A short time passes.
JIM
Alright screw it! I'm fucking
hungry. Wanna get something?
LAYLA
I can go for something.
JIM
Let's go.
LAYLA
No 'cause then I'll feel like I'm
pulling you away from your work.
And I promised not to be a
distraction.
JIM
The only distraction right now is
the sound of my stomach eating
itself. Trust me. It's my own
conscious decision.
LAYLA
Well since you're pulling my arm.
INT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY CAFETERIA - NIGHT
The cafeteria is dead. Jim and Layla are eating at a table in
the far corner of the room.
JIM
So has it hit you yet that you're
actually in college?
LAYLA
I don't know really. I still kinda
feel the same. Has it hit you?
JIM
Last week when I came back from
class. Right when I put my key-card
into the slot, in that moment I
realized my parents aren't on the
other side of the door; and I'm on
my own. It was kinda surreal.
Eighteen years with them waiting on
the other side. And now, poof,
history.
LAYLA
I guess then I'll know when it hits
me.
JIM
Oh yeah. It could be mundane like
that, or something big. Then you'll
realize you're not in Kansas
anymore.
LAYLA
I love the "Wizard of Oz"!
JIM
Yeah it's alright.
LAYLA
Alright? Are you shitting me?
JIM
Whoa, take it down a notch Dorothy.
LAYLA
It's a friggin' American classic.
It's not just alright.
JIM
Well...
LAYLA
Don't even think about finishing
that thought. I will not tolerate
anyone who bad mouths the merry old
land of Oz. Understand?
JIM
Um, I think so.
LAYLA
Good.
JIM
I think I need to go change my
underwear.
Layla laughs.
LAYLA
I'm sorry. I get very defensive
when it comes to that movie.
JIM
So... you think Miri's back yet?
LAYLA
Um, maybe. You wanna go back?
JIM
Uh... we can hang out a little bit
longer.
LAYLA
What about your work?
JIM
My work? Don't worry about it, I'll
do it when I get back. This'll
count as my first late night
college cram session.
LAYLA
Are you sure?
JIM
Yeah. Trust me, I'm not missing
anything back in that dorm.
CUT TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT
The room is empty. Jim's cell-phone is ringing on his night
stand. Abbey's name is displayed. The voice-mail picks up.
JIM
(voice-mail message)
It's Jim, you know what to do. And
if you don't, you should not be
operating a phone, or heavy
machinery.
ABBEY
(on the phone)
Tag, you're it.
TITLE CARD: "PART(AY) DEUX"
EXT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY - DAY
Jim and Colin are walking through the campus. They come
across a fiery REDHEAD. She shoots Jim a flirtatious look.
This flusters him.
COLIN
I saw that.
JIM
What?
COLIN
That look. I think she likes you.
JIM
(sarcastic)
Yeah I'm sure she's already picking
out the wedding invitations.
COLIN
Don't sell yourself short Jim,
you're quite the chick magnet.
JIM
Yeah but this magnet already has a
chick.
COLIN
So anyway, what are your plans for
this weekend?
JIM
Not really sure. Why?
COLIN
Well there's...
JIM
Let me guess, big party? Am I
right?
COLIN
Nail on the head Jim, nail on the
head.
JIM
I'm not sure, I got a ton of work
on my plate right now. A party's
the last thing I need.
COLIN
Why always so fixated on the work?
JIM
Because then this would all just be
a waste of my parent's money.
COLIN
Yeah but I'm sure your parents
would also want you to have a
little fun every now and then.
Unless they're Nazis. Are your
parents Nazis?
JIM
Well I've never actually seen them
goose-step so I'm pretty sure
they're not Nazis.
COLIN
Then I'm sure they won't mind.
JIM
They won't, but I'm still not
going.
COLIN
Come on.
JIM
What's the big deal about me going?
What's so special about this party?
I'm sure there will be plenty
others that you can drag me to.
COLIN
Yeah but this is Cocktoberfest.
JIM
Oh now I'm sure as shit not going.
COLIN
No no, it's not a gay thing, trust
me. It's a big school thing.
JIM
What does a cock have to do with
our school?
COLIN
It's our mascot.
JIM
Oh sweet Jesus it is not! Our
mascot is not a cock!
COLIN
Well technically it's not. It's a
bantam.
JIM
A what?
COLIN
A bantam. It's practically a
rooster. Hence the cock in
Cocktoberfest.
JIM
(sarcastic)
Boy you alcoholics sure are clever.
COLIN
And it's a costume party.
JIM
'Cause of Halloween?
COLIN
Yep. How fun right?
JIM
(sarcastic)
Oh, tons I'm sure.
COLIN
So how 'bout it?
JIM
Nope. Getting dressed up is not
really that enticing. Maybe for
you, not for me.
COLIN
Pussy.
JIM
How does calling me a pussy solve
anything?
COLIN
It probably doesn't, but it's fun.
And I enjoy doing it. It makes me
feel more masculine. Like I'm one
of the guys.
JIM
Fair enough.
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT
Jim is laying in bed watching TV. There's a knock at the
door.
JIM
Coming.
Jim gets up and opens the door. Layla is standing there,
she's dressed as Dorothy from the "Wizard of Oz". She's
gorgeous. Jim's taken back. He can't seem to form any words.
LAYLA
What?
JIM
Nothing...
LAYLA
What?
JIM
You really do like that movie don't
you?
LAYLA
Well duh. I take it you're not
coming.
JIM
How do you figure?
LAYLA
You're not wearing a costume.
JIM
How do you know I'm not going as my
awesome self?
She cracks a smile.
LAYLA
So I guess it's way to late to try
and get you to come?
JIM
That ship has sailed sister.
LAYLA
Oh well. If Colin couldn't convince
you, I guess I never had much of a
shot.
JIM
Don't worry, no one did.
LAYLA
Alright, well I guess I'll be on my
way then.
JIM
Down that yellow brick road?
LAYLA
(smiling)
Shut up.
FADE TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT - LATER
Jim is on the phone with Abbey.
ABBEY
(on the phone)
It's been a week.
JIM
I know.
ABBEY
That's way too long.
JIM
I know.
ABBEY
This is a lot harder than I thought
it would be.
JIM
I know.
ABBEY
What are you stuck on a loop Han?
JIM
I know.
ABBEY
Jim!
JIM
I'm kidding.
She laughs.
JIM (CONT'D)
I miss that.
ABBEY
I know.
Colin enters. He's dressed as Dorothy from the "Wizard of
Oz".
Jim busts out laughing.
ABBEY (CONT'D)
What's so funny?
COLIN
What?
He calms down.
JIM
You know that-
COLIN
(peeved)
-Yeah I saw her.
Jim loses it again.
TITLE CARD: "HOMECOMING"
EXT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY - DAY
Jim's on the phone with his mother.
EMILY
(on the phone)
Where are you now?
JIM
I just got out of class. I'm going
back to the dorm.
EMILY
How was class?
JIM
Exhilarating.
EMILY
Really?
JIM
Of course not.
EMILY
Don't do that. You got me all
excited thinking that you're
enjoying school.
JIM
I'm a teenager, we're not supposed
to enjoy school, just tolerate it.
EMILY
I loved school when I was your age.
JIM
That's because you're banana nut
crazy.
EMILY
Whatever you say Jim. So what time
should your father pick you up from
school?
JIM
I don't know. Just not that early.
I want a nice long sleep before I
come back home.
EMILY
Oh I can't wait my baby's coming
home.
JIM
But don't forget that Thanksgiving
break is only four days long. So
you can't get too attached to me. I
can't imagine how difficult that'll
be for you.
INT. JIM'S DORM - AFTERNOON
Jim's packing some clothes in a small duffel bag. Colin is
doing the same on his bed.
COLIN
Do you have a pair of my socks?
JIM
Um, I don't think so.
COLIN
Are you sure?
JIM
Yeah, what color are they?
COLIN
Bright pink.
JIM
Seriously?
COLIN
No. They're plain white socks.
Jesus Jim stay away from those
stereotypes.
JIM
Sorry. I guess it's just a natural
reaction. When you hear the words
"bright pink" from a gay man, you
tend to take them at their word.
COLIN
So are you excited to get back
home?
JIM
Yeah, kinda, I guess.
COLIN
(sarcastic)
Gee Jim, can you give me a more
vague answer next time? I hate it
when people are so blunt.
JIM
I'm gonna miss you for four days,
believe that.
COLIN
What a faggot.
CUT TO:
INT. WINFIELD DORMS - HALLWAY - LATER
Jim leaves the dorm with his duffel bag. He closes the door
behind him. He walks down the hall.
LAYLA (O.C.)
Where do you think you're going?
Jim turns around. He sees Layla standing there with three
large suitcases.
JIM
More like, where do you think
you're going? Where do you live
like ten days from here?
LAYLA
Ha ha. You know it's not very
neighborly to leave without saying
goodbye.
JIM
It's not?
LAYLA
Nuh uh.
JIM
Well my apologies. Later.
LAYLA
Wait.
She's on the verge of saying something.
JIM
What? My dad's outside. I gotta
run.
LAYLA
Never mind. Have a happy
Thanksgiving.
JIM
You too.
INT. JIM'S DAD'S CAR - MOVING - AFTERNOON
JIM
So why didn't mom come?
RICHARD
She's home preparing dinner. We're
having a feast.
JIM
In my honor?
RICHARD
No. It's in honor of those Native
Americans whose land we stole.
CUT TO:
INT. JIM KRAMER'S HOUSE - LATER
Jim and Richard enter the house. They're greeted by Emily in
the hallway.
EMILY
Hello my special little guy!
She goes over and gives Jim a big hug.
EMILY (CONT'D)
How are you?
JIM
I'm fine.
EMILY
Did you do any drugs?
JIM
No. At least none that I can
remember.
EMILY
That's not funny. Well come in and
put your stuff down. The food is
almost ready. Why don't you go up
to your room and get settled in.
JIM
Okay.
Jim goes to the stairs.
EMILY
Does it feel good to be back?
JIM
Actually, it kinda does. I miss the
old house smell.
EMILY
This house doesn't smell!
JIM
I know, I didn't say that. I said
it has a smell.
EMILY
Oh.
He starts up the stairs.
JIM
So what are you making?
EMILY
It's a surprise.
JIM
Damn. You know how much I hate
surprises.
CUT TO:
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Jim enters his room and sees Abbey sitting on his bed.
ABBEY
Surprise.
JIM
Holy shit.
She darts over to him. She hugs him with all her might and
begins kissing him all over his face.
ABBEY
Hi handsome.
JIM
Hi back.
ABBEY
It's so good to see you.
JIM
Is it?
ABBEY
Shut up. Of course it is. Isn't it
good to see me?
JIM
(joking)
Meh.
ABBEY
Not nice.
JIM
Come on, when is it not good to see
you?
ABBEY
True. Very very true.
JIM
So my mom invited you over?
ABBEY
Uh huh.
JIM
What a sneaky little woman.
ABBEY
But it's the best kind of sneaky
because I'm here.
JIM
True that.
FADE TO:
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM
Jim and Abbey are on the floor leaning up against the bed,
watching TV.
JIM
So tell me more about your
roommate.
ABBEY
Well for starters, she smokes a lot
of weed.
JIM
And what gave it away? The fact
that she has a glow-in-the-dark Bob
Marley poster? Or the fact that her
name is Mary Jane?
ABBEY
Actually it's the fact that I see
her smoking a lot of weed with my
eyes.
JIM
Oh, well that'll do it too. Has she
ever offered you any of her sticky
icky?
ABBEY
Yeah.
JIM
And?
ABBEY
I politely declined.
JIM
That's my girl.
ABBEY
I knew you'd be proud.
JIM
(in the vain of an after
school special)
Because after all, drugs are not
cool. And you gotta stay in school.
ABBEY
That's sound advice. So what's on
the agenda for tonight?
JIM
I'm glad you asked. First, I
thought we'd start things off with
"Swingers", then on to "Clerks",
and finishing it off with "High
Fidelity".
ABBEY
One suggestion though, can we
switch out "Clerks" for "Dogma"?
I'm in the mood for some
sacrilegious subject matter.
JIM
I think that can be arranged. But
are you sure it's not too much?
ABBEY
Hell no. We gotta make up for lost
time.
JIM
Alright. You're right on the money.
ABBEY
Of course I am.
JIM
You just gotta promise not to fall
asleep on me.
ABBEY
I won't. I solemnly swear on it.
Girl scout's honor.
JIM
You were never a girl scout.
ABBEY
But I wanted to be.
JIM
That doesn't count.
ABBEY
Don't worry, I'll stay awake.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - LATER
Abbey's passed out on Jim's shoulder. He glances at her and
then turns off the TV.
His phone rings. He picks it up, trying not to make a sound.
JIM
(softly)
Hello?
LAYLA
(on the phone, hammered
drunk)
Hey there.
JIM
Who is this?
LAYLA
Don't tell me you forgot about me
already?
JIM
Layla?
LAYLA
Bingo.
JIM
How did you get my number?
LAYLA
Colin.
JIM
Boy that Mary has a big mouth.
LAYLA
So what are you doing?
JIM
Um...
He looks down at Abbey.
LAYLA
I have a question.
JIM
That was a question.
LAYLA
Yeah but I have another one. What's
that thing in turkey that makes you
sleepy?
JIM
You called to ask me that?
LAYLA
Jim! What are you doing?
JIM
What? Are you drunk?
LAYLA
I think so. Maybe just a little. A
teensy bit. I had a lot of wine at
dinner. So come on, what's that
sleepy thing?
JIM
Tryptophan.
LAYLA
Shit the fan?
JIM
No, tryptophan.
LAYLA
I think I had a lot of it.
JIM
Well then don't drive home.
LAYLA
I am home silly.
Abbey shifts in her sleep, startling Jim.
JIM
(to himself)
Shit.
LAYLA
What?
JIM
Nothing.
LAYLA
Are you sure?
JIM
Yes I'm sure. Listen I gotta go,
I'm in the middle of something. Go
get some sleep, and good luck with
that headache in the morning. I'll
see you back at school.
LAYLA
Okay fine. I love you.
JIM
Huh?
Layla hangs up the phone. Abbey wakes up.
ABBEY
Aww crap I fell asleep. Dammit!
JIM
Don't worry about it.
ABBEY
Come on start the movie up again.
JIM
No, it's late. Go back to sleep.
ABBEY
No we gotta make up for lost time.
JIM
We got all day tomorrow. Get some
rest.
ABBEY
Fine.
She gives him a kiss.
ABBEY (CONT'D)
I love you.
Jim stares blankly into space.
ABBEY (CONT'D)
Jim?
He comes to.
JIM
Yeah?
ABBEY
Good night.
JIM
Night. See you in the morning.
TITLE CARD: "THE FINALS COUNTDOWN"
INT. JIM'S DORM - AFTERNOON
Jim and Colin are studying away. There is complete silence in
the room.
There are three loud knocks at the door.
COLIN
Whoever that is must die.
JIM
I'll get it.
COLIN
Get it and kill him or her.
JIM
Easy boy.
Jim goes and opens the door. It's his best friend Lawrence.
LAWRENCE
What up fag?!?
JIM
Oh god.
COLIN
Oh god.
JIM
What the fuck are you doing here?
LAWRENCE
Just thought I'd come and visit my
bestest friend in the whole world.
JIM
I guess you should come in then.
Lawrence strolls in.
JIM (CONT'D)
This is my roommate Colin.
LAWRENCE
Hey man, what's going on?
COLIN
Hi, I'm gay.
LAWRENCE
(uncomfortable)
Oh, right on.
COLIN
(to Jim)
Deja vu much? Listen, I'm gonna get
out of your hair here and go to the
library. I'll give you time to
catch up. Bye bye.
(To Lawrence)
Nice meeting you.
LAWRENCE
(unsure)
Same here.
Colin exits.
LAWRENCE (CONT'D)
Why did he tell me that he's gay?
JIM
Don't worry he tells everyone, it's
kind of his thing.
LAWRENCE
That's fucking odd.
JIM
So what the hell are you doing
here? Don't you have finals?
LAWRENCE
Nope.
JIM
How is that possible?
LAWRENCE
Ah young padiwan, so young, so
uninformed. See the trick is to
take bullshit classes with no end
of the semester final. Example,
ceramics.
JIM
The man with the plan. So how have
you been?
LAWRENCE
Not bad, can't complain. You know
the deal.
JIM
Good for you.
LAWRENCE
Et tu?
JIM
Same old same old. Just going nuts
over these finals.
LAWRENCE
A college student stressing over
finals? How cliche Jim.
Someone knocks at the door.
JIM
Coming.
Jim goes to answer the door, at the same time his phone
rings. It's Abbey. Lawrence picks it up.
Layla's at the door.
LAWRENCE
(answering the phone)
Well hello there Yoko.
JIM
(to Layla, at the door)
What's up?
ABBEY
(on the phone)
Lawrence?
LAWRENCE
The very same.
LAYLA
(to Jim, at the door)
Do you have any of those little
post-it notes?
JIM
Post-its?
ABBEY
What are you doing there?
LAWRENCE
Just thought I'd spring a little
surprise visit on our boy here.
LAYLA
Yeah Miri and I need them. So if
you got, we'll take.
JIM
I hate to disappoint but I do not
have any post-its.
Lawrence turns and notices Layla in the doorway.
LAWRENCE
(to Jim)
Holy shit, is that her?
ABBEY
Her? Her who?
Jim turns and sees Lawrence on the phone. He makes sure to
block Layla's line of sight.
JIM
(mouthing the words to
Lawrence)
Who's on the phone?
ABBEY
Lawrence?
LAWRENCE
(mouthing the words to
Jim)
It's Abbey.
JIM
(back to Layla, frantic)
So sorry I couldn't help.
LAYLA
Who's that?
JIM
Uh... just a friend.
LAYLA
Okay. Bye.
Layla retreats back to her room. Jim closes the door. He runs
and grabs the phone from Lawrence's hand.
JIM
(nervously to Abbey on the
phone)
Hey sweetheart, what's going on?
ABBEY
Who was Lawrence talking about?
JIM
(nervous)
Oh um... he was talking about...
Colin.
ABBEY
Colin?
JIM
Yeah Colin, he just came in.
ABBEY
Oh okay, tell him I said hi.
JIM
(to Lawrence)
Colin, Abbey says hi.
Jim motions to Lawrence to say hello back.
LAWRENCE
(in a light girly voice)
Hey there doll-face.
ABBEY
What a nice guy.
JIM
(extra nervous)
Yeah he sure is. Listen honey-pot
I'm gonna get back to catching up
with ole Lawrence here. I'll give
you a call later on.
ABBEY
Alright. Bye bye.
JIM
Bye.
Jim hangs up the phone.
JIM (CONT'D)
Where's your brain?!?
LAWRENCE
What?
JIM
Where's your brain?!?
LAWRENCE
Huh?
JIM
Why would you do that? "Holy shit
is that her?" Are you kidding me?
LAWRENCE
How am I supposed to know that your
girlfriend isn't aware of your
smoking hot neighbor?
JIM
Damn you and your verbal diarrhea.
This is not good.
LAWRENCE
No, you know what's not good? The
fact that your girlfriend bought me
as a gay man. Not good at all Jim,
not good at all.
JIM
Well that's the least of my worries
right now.
LAWRENCE
So that's her huh? Can I meet her?
JIM
No you can not meet her.
LAWRENCE
How come?
JIM
Because. And let's just leave it at
that. Okay?
LAWRENCE
Alright panties in a bunch,
whatever you say. But I do have a
solution to your problems.
JIM
And what's that?
LAWRENCE
You, me, cafeteria, food. Bam!
INT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY CAFETERIA - LATER
Jim and Lawrence are in the middle of lunch.
JIM
So have you heard from the guys?
LAWRENCE
No contact what so ever.
JIM
They're probably busy. You know
Harvard, he's most likely doing
homework as we speak. That kid
loves him some school.
LAWRENCE
Yeah and Blimp is probably eating
his weight in Chicago deep-dish
pizza.
JIM
There's a good chance. But we all
gotta get together over winter
break. Get the band back together.
LAWRENCE
That sounds like a plan. Will your
little miss be joining us?
JIM
I don't know. Why?
LAWRENCE
Ah ha. I knew there was trouble in
paradise.
JIM
What?
LAWRENCE
You said, "I don't know". Someone
who's all lovey-dovey you would
have responded with a hell yes.
JIM
You're insane.
LAWRENCE
You knew she was calling before
back at your dorm, yet you elected
to go and answer the door, knowing
full well who was on the other
side. Tell me I'm wrong.
JIM
You're wrong.
LAWRENCE
Fat chance. I'm right on the money
this time.
JIM
No you're not.
LAWRENCE
Yes I am, and you know it. Just
admit that there's trouble and I'll
leave it alone.
JIM
There's no trouble...
LAWRENCE
But...
JIM
I don't know, I think I may be
having second thoughts.
LAWRENCE
Okay.
JIM
I shouldn't have said that.
LAWRENCE
Yes you should have, because I'm
here to help.
JIM
Oh god.
LAWRENCE
So taking her back is causing these
thoughts?
Jim doesn't respond.
LAWRENCE (CONT'D)
Jim...
JIM
We got home from graduation. We
were lying in bed and she kissed
me. Nothing out of the ordinary.
And then all of a sudden I get this
fucking strong feeling of regret.
In that one instant. The whole year
was finally over, all that shit we
went through was done. I realized
the choice I had made in that
moment, and I'm still not a hundred
percent sure it was the right one.
LAWRENCE
How ironic.
JIM
It's not ironic.
LAWRENCE
Whatever, forget about it. Tell me
about this Layla girl.
JIM
I don't want to talk about her.
LAWRENCE
Too bad. We're switching gears
here.
JIM
(giving in)
Fine. If it'll humor you. What do
you want to know?
LAWRENCE
What's her deal?
JIM
I don't know.
LAWRENCE
Better yet, what's your deal with
her?
JIM
I don't have a deal with her.
LAWRENCE
Yes you do.
JIM
I don't think I do. She's just
cool, I guess.
LAWRENCE
You guess?
JIM
Yeah.
LAWRENCE
You like her.
Jim doesn't respond. Lawrence studies his expression.
LAWRENCE (CONT'D)
Oh boy do you like her. I am two
for two today.
JIM
And what if I do?
LAWRENCE
Then it's just a matter of what
you're gonna do about it? I mean
this is that true moral test of
one's self Travolta was talking
about in the bathroom. You have to
ask yourself, "Do you love your
girlfriend enough to stay with
her?"
JIM
(hesitates)
I guess.
LAWRENCE
Oh shit, that pause is not a good
sign. So you're gonna break up with
her?
JIM
I don't know. I know that she loves
me, but I don't think I can break
her heart like that.
LAWRENCE
Are you fucking kidding? She broke
yours.
JIM
I know. And that let me know that
she's capable of doing something
like that. I just don't think I'm
capable of doing that to someone. I
don't think I have it in me.
LAWRENCE
Listen man, I stuck by you when you
made your decision, despite the
fact that it killed me. Now you're
telling me that you made the wrong
call?
JIM
I think I did.
LAWRENCE
No thinking Jim, it's either yes or
no.
JIM
It's not that black and white.
There are those shades of gray.
LAWRENCE
Yeah those very shades that you
overlooked when you took her ass
back.
JIM
Listen I took her back because I
love her.
LAWRENCE
Then there's your answer. You love
her, stop bitching. Unless you're
gonna do something about it just
move the hell on.
Layla enters the cafeteria and spots Jim.
LAYLA (O.C.)
Jim!
LAWRENCE
Well if it isn't the fucking
serpent in the garden.
She comes and sits at the table.
LAYLA
Hey guys.
JIM
Hey.
LAWRENCE
(turning on the charm)
Why hello there.
JIM
Layla this is my good friend
Lawrence.
LAYLA
Hi. Nice to finally meet you. Jim
kinda rushed me out of the room
before.
JIM
No I didn't.
LAYLA
Yes you did.
LAWRENCE
No matter. It's actually great to
finally meet you too. Jim has told
me so much.
She smiles. Jim shoots him a look that reads, "You gotta be
kidding me."
LAYLA
(to Jim)
So Miri and I found those post-it
notes.
JIM
Oh good. What exactly did you need
them for?
LAYLA
It's actually this study technique
I learned in high school.
LAWRENCE
Oh do tell.
Jim shoots him another look.
LAYLA
Basically you write down your notes
on the post-its, and then stick
them up all around your room. So
that way no matter where you are,
you'll be absorbing information.
JIM
That's actually not a bad idea.
LAWRENCE
It's genius. I'm buying some post
its when I get home.
They both shoot Lawrence a look.
LAWRENCE (CONT'D)
What?
Jim shakes his head in disgust.
LAYLA
So anyway, what are you guys up to
tonight?
JIM
Uh...
LAWRENCE
Nothing. I kinda popped in
unannounced, so we don't really
have any set plans. What do you
have in mind?
LAYLA
I thought maybe we can all hang
out, maybe go get something to eat.
LAWRENCE
That sounds great.
JIM
It does?
LAWRENCE
Oh come on, you're not seriously
thinking about staying in and
studying on a Saturday night?
Especially when I'm in town.
JIM
Well...
LAYLA
(to Jim)
If you can't make it that's
alright. I understand.
Lawrence eyes him down.
JIM
(hesitates)
No no, it's alright. We'll be
there.
LAYLA
Great. I'll let Miri know. See you
guys later.
She leaves.
JIM
I hate you.
LAWRENCE
What did I do?
JIM
You know what you did. I don't want
to hang out with them tonight.
LAWRENCE
But I do. And I'm your guest, so
you have to adhere to my needs.
JIM
Sigh. You're really gonna make me
go out tonight? Must you torment my
life?
LAWRENCE
You bet your sweet Aunt Fanny.
JIM
You leave her out of this.
TITLE CARD: "TROUBLE"
INT. BAR / RESTAURANT - NIGHT
The place is packed wall to wall with college students. Jim,
Lawrence, Layla, and Miri are in a booth at the end of the
bar/restaurant. They're the only sober ones in the joint.
LAWRENCE
So you wanna hear a funny story?
This actually happened to me
recently.
JIM
(to the girls)
Just a disclaimer, when Lawrence
says he has a funny story, it's
usually borderline offensive. So
you've been warned.
LAWRENCE
Jim...
JIM
Yes...
LAWRENCE
Shut up.
JIM
Okay.
MIRI
Come on tell it.
LAWRENCE
Alright so this happened about
three weeks ago. So there was this
little get together on my floor.
JIM
Code for "gigantic party".
Continue.
LAWRENCE
So I was knocking a few back.
Nothing to serious. A couple of
shots here and there. Then I
decided to take a little break.
Something completely out of
character for me. Turns out this
only dampened my buzz. So I said,
"Fuck this lame shit! Let's turn up
the motherfucking heat." And I end
up getting plastered. Fucking
Obliterated. You could have been
speaking English to me but it
would've came out sounding Greek.
So naturally I got a little tired
and I decide to call it a night. I
climbed into bed. Now you should
know that I am a very odd sleeper.
I tend to need something to
straddle in order to get to sleep.
JIM
Dear lord.
MIRI
This just got good.
LAWRENCE
To accommodate for this little
quirk of mine, I invested in one of
those full-body pillows. They
really work wonders. So that night
I straddled away. I mean I rode
that thing like motherfucking
Seabiscuit. I rode it off to dream
land. But as it turns out...
JIM
Here it comes.
LAWRENCE
It wasn't a full-body pillow.
LAYLA
No.
LAWRENCE
I wake up the next morning to find
myself straddling a half naked
woman.
MIRI
Shut up.
JIM
This doesn't surprise.
LAWRENCE
Yeah but you want to hear the
kicker?
LAYLA
There's a kicker?
LAWRENCE
Yes there is. She then proceeds to
wake up. Mind you, I am still
straddling her at this point. She
says, "Oh baby last night was
incredible. You gotta trademark
that thing you did with your
tongue."
Layla and Miri start laughing. Jim is shaking his head in
disbelief.
LAWRENCE (CONT'D)
Now I was drunk, really drunk, but
I've got this amazing sense that
lets me know if I'd gotten any the
night before. So there is no chance
that this girl and I had any sort
of relations. She has no idea who I
am. She turns over, faces me and
starts screaming bloody murder, "OH
MY GOD!!! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?
YOU'RE NOT MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND!
GET THE FUCK OFF ME!"
Layla and Miri can't control themselves.
LAWRENCE (CONT'D)
I jump out of bed. She's still
screaming. Then her boyfriend walks
in.
JIM
Oh no.
LAWRENCE
He goes, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
DOING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND?!? I'M
GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU! I'M GONNA
PUT YOU IN THE GROUND!" It turns
out... it wasn't even my room.
Now Jim joins in on the laughter.
LAYLA
So what did you do?
LAWRENCE
Well long story short, we all
settled down, I explained the whole
thing to them and bought them
breakfast.
(Beat)
They're actually a very lovely
couple.
JIM
And there you have it.
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT - LATER
The four of them are hanging out in the room. Jim is on his
bed and Lawrence is on the floor, while Layla and Miri are on
Colin's.
MIRI
I'm gonna send around a petition.
I'm gonna try and get it banned.
LAWRENCE
That probably won't get anything
accomplished.
MIRI
Why?
LAWRENCE
Because no matter how hard you try,
you're just not gonna get darts
banned from a college bar.
LAYLA
He's right.
MIRI
But that fucker almost hit me.
LAYLA
But that fucker was drunk.
JIM
And probably doesn't even know his
own name right now.
LAWRENCE
I can go back there and beat the
shit out of him if you want.
MIRI
No, that's alright. Thanks for the
offer though.
LAWRENCE
Are you sure? I can always go for
beating down a poser.
JIM
I don't think he was a poser.
LAWRENCE
Yes he was. No one looks that lame
intentionally.
JIM
Whatever you say.
MIRI
So is anyone else still hungry, or
is it just me?
LAWRENCE
I can go for a tasty treat right
about now.
MIRI
(to Lawrence)
Cool. Let's go get something.
(To Jim and Layla)
You guys want anything?
LAYLA
I'll have whatever you're getting.
JIM
Nothing for me, thanks.
MIRI
(to Lawrence)
Let's go.
LAWRENCE
(to Miri)
After you my lady.
(To Jim and Layla)
We'll be back in two shakes of a
lamb's tail.
Miri and Lawrence leave.
Layla and Jim sit in silence.
LAYLA
So that Lawrence sure is a boat
load of laughs.
JIM
Don't tell him that. It'll go right
to his head.
The two of them keep looking around the room, trying to avoid
eye contact with each other. This goes on for awhile.
LAYLA
Oh fuck it.
Layla has finally had enough. She gets up from the bed and
goes over to Jim.
She gently takes him by the face and plants one on him. The
kiss lasts for a good five seconds. Jim pulls away. He pauses
momentarily and looks in her eyes. He then leans in for
another kiss. They start making out heavily.
Colin then enters the room.
COLIN
Holy shiitake mushrooms Batman!
Layla and Jim break apart. They become frantic.
JIM
So, um, I'll see you around then?
LAYLA
Yeah sounds phenomenal.
JIM
Great to hear about the post-its by
the way.
LAYLA
Oh thank you so much. Bye.
(To Colin)
Bye.
She darts out of the room.
COLIN
What just happened here?
Jim begins pacing.
COLIN (CONT'D)
Jim?
He doesn't respond.
COLIN (CONT'D)
Jim!
JIM
What?
COLIN
What just happened here?
JIM
Huh?
COLIN
What the fuck just happened here?
JIM
(calms down)
I just cheated on my girlfriend.
(Surprised)
And I kinda don't feel that bad
about it.
TITLE CARD: "DOWN AT THE CROSSROADS"
INT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY CAFETERIA - MORNING
Jim sits alone, playing around with his food. He seems more
concerned with what's on his mind as opposed to the scrambled
eggs on his plate. His phone rings, it's Abbey. He doesn't
pick it up.
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
Colin's lying in bed reading. Jim's sitting at the desk. His
phone's ringing. It's Abbey. He just sits and stares at it,
waiting for it to go to voice-mail.
COLIN
How come you didn't pick up?
JIM
Uh... probably a wrong number.
COLIN
Oh.
The phone rings again. He lets it ring.
COLIN (CONT'D)
Wrong number still?
JIM
Yep.
COLIN
Are you sure?
JIM
Positive.
COLIN
Alright, just checking.
EXT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY - DAY
Jim's walking home from class, his phone ringing yet again.
He just ignores it. He looks down at his watch. Layla is
coming from the opposite direction. She's preoccupied with
her cellphone. The two of them collide.
LAYLA
Oh shit. I didn't see you. Sorry.
JIM
(nervous)
Don't worry I didn't see you
either. Are you alright, any
bruises? I can't afford to be sued
right now.
LAYLA
(checking around)
Nope, your bank account's safe
don't worry.
JIM
Thank god.
LAYLA
So...
JIM
(nervous)
So... lovely weather we're having,
right?
LAYLA
Um...
JIM
It's quite brisk.
LAYLA
Jim...
JIM
Yeah?
LAYLA
Should we really be talking about
the weather?
JIM
I don't see why we can't.
LAYLA
Don't you think we should be
talking about something else?
JIM
Um... about what? The weather is
great small talk.
LAYLA
What I'm talking about isn't small
talk. It's actually big talk.
JIM
Last night?
LAYLA
Yes. Why are you avoiding the
subject?
JIM
I...
LAYLA
And don't say you're not because we
sure as shit know that you don't
give a damn about the weather.
JIM
It's just so sudden, you know?
LAYLA
That's why we should talk.
JIM
Tonight?
LAYLA
Seven?
JIM
Sounds good.
LAYLA
I'll see you then.
JIM
Alright. Have fun in class.
LAYLA
Tough task but I'll try.
They both go their separate ways.
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
Jim paces around the room. He searches through his drawers.
He throws three different shirts on the bed. He goes to the
mirror above the dresser, holding each shirt individually up
to his chest.
Colin enters.
COLIN
Hey buddy. Hot date tonight?
JIM
(startled)
What?!?
COLIN
Down tiger. I just asked if you've
got a hot date tonight?
JIM
Layla's coming over.
COLIN
Oh. Are you guys gonna have the
talk?
JIM
What?
COLIN
You know, the "we made out so now
we have to figure out where this
goes" talk.
JIM
Yes that would be the talk.
Jim's phone rings.
JIM (CONT'D)
Jesus Christ.
COLIN
You know she's not gonna stop
calling until you actually answer
the phone.
JIM
I know.
COLIN
Then pick up the phone.
JIM
I can't.
COLIN
Why?
JIM
Because I can't face her right now.
COLIN
But the really wonderful thing
about talking to someone on the
phone is that you don't actually
have to face them. Mind blowing
ain't it?
JIM
I just can't muster up the courage.
My head's not in the right place
right now. There's a lot going on
in there.
COLIN
She's your girlfriend. Don't you
think that you at least owe it to
her to pick up the phone and say
hello?
JIM
She cheated on me remember? I don't
exactly know what I owe her.
COLIN
Mr. Hypocrite, party of one, your
table's ready. News flash, last
night at around twelve thirty-ish,
you were giving mouth to mouth to a
girl, who might I inform you, was
not your girlfriend. Now that's
some good old fashioned down home
cheating. So as far as I'm
concerned the two of you are even
Stephon.
JIM
Yes I know I'm in the wrong here.
But I just can't bring myself to
talk to her right now, when I'm not
even sure if I even love her
anymore.
COLIN
And when did that happen?
JIM
Oh I don't know, about twelve
thirty-one-ish last night.
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT
Jim's sitting on his bed, Layla on Colin's. They're both
avoiding eye contact with one another. The silence is
deafening.
JIM
Oh fuck it.
Jim bolts over to Layla. The making out commences.
Jim's phone starts ringing. Abbey yet again.
LAYLA
(between kisses)
Aren't you gonna get that?
JIM
Don't worry about it. They've been
calling all day. Wrong number.
The making out continues on.
FADE TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - LATER
Layla is sleeping in bed. Jim paces around the room. He grabs
his phone and dials Lawrence.
LAWRENCE
(on the phone)
Hello hello.
JIM
(quietly)
I think I just made a major life
decision.
LAWRENCE
Oh god. Is she still in the room?
JIM
How do you know what I'm talking
about?
LAWRENCE
'Cause I'm a fucking genius. I knew
it was only a matter of time before
you caved. Temptation is a hideous
bitch goddess.
JIM
I guess it is.
LAWRENCE
So what did the two of you do?
JIM
We made out.
(Beat)
A lot.
LAWRENCE
She's not listening is she?
JIM
No idiot she's sleeping.
LAWRENCE
In your bed?
JIM
Yeah.
LAWRENCE
Sweet. What's she wearing?
JIM
Clothes Lawrence, she's wearing
fucking clothes.
LAWRENCE
Okay, take it easy. I'm just
surveying the severity of the
situation.
JIM
(sarcastic)
What a true friend.
LAWRENCE
So this is it then. The final straw
in the coffin. The nail that broke
the camel's back.
JIM
What?
TITLE CARD: "HAPPY NEW SEMESTER!"
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jim and Abbey are laying in bed. Abbey is wearing a Santa
hat. Jim's not his normal self. He's got a lot on his mind.
JIM
(re: Santa hat)
So when are you gonna take that
thing off?
ABBEY
I don't know.
JIM
I mean it's late January. That hat
really isn't relevant right now.
ABBEY
So that makes me an original. Deal
with it.
JIM
I guess I have no choice.
ABBEY
You don't Mr. Grinch. Now give me a
kiss.
He doesn't. Abbey can sense something wrong.
ABBEY (CONT'D)
What is it?
CUT TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
Jim and Layla are laying in bed. Jim looks depressed.
LAYLA
What are you thinking about?
Jim's mind is fixated on that night with Abbey.
JIM
What?
LAYLA
You seem a little distracted.
JIM
I was just thinking about
something.
LAYLA
Something good?
JIM
Not entirely.
BACK TO:
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
JIM
(to Abbey)
We need to talk.
CUT TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
JIM
I just had a rough break that's
all.
LAYLA
Anything you want to talk about?
BACK TO:
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
ABBEY
Talk about what?
Jim searches for the words. He's frightened by what he's
about to say.
JIM
I just...
CUT TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
LAYLA
Because I'm all ears.
BACK TO:
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
JIM
(softly)
It's been on my mind for so long. I
thought I could get past it. I
hoped it would blow over. But it's
just too much.
(Pauses)
I think we should break up.
CUT TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
Jim doesn't answer.
LAYLA
Jim?
JIM
Yeah I guess I'm alright.
BACK TO:
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Tears begin streaming down Abbey's face.
CUT TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
Layla has a smile on her face.
LAYLA
You're so adorable when you're
thinking. You know that?
JIM
No I'm not aware.
BACK TO:
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jim remains motionless in bed. He just dumped the girl of his
dreams.
Abbey, tears still streaming, gets up from the bed and goes
to the door. She pauses and turns around. She looks like
she's about to say something.
CUT TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
LAYLA
You want to go and get something to
eat?
JIM
You hungry?
LAYLA
Famished.
JIM
Then I guess we're eating.
LAYLA
Yay.
She gives him a kiss.
LAYLA (CONT'D)
I'll go grab my bag.
Layla gets up and leaves. Jim lays there staring at the
ceiling.
Colin enters.
COLIN
Hey roomie.
JIM
Hey.
COLIN
Whatcha up too?
JIM
Nothing. Layla and I are going to
get a bite.
COLIN
Where?
JIM
I don't know. Any place that serves
food I guess. Probably the
cafeteria.
COLIN
Can you bring me back something?
Jim directs his gaze from the ceiling to Colin.
JIM
You want a doggy bag?
COLIN
Yes, very much so.
INT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY CAFETERIA - NIGHT
Jim and Layla are enjoying an extravagant meal.
LAYLA
Do you realize that Valentine's Day
is only two weeks away?
JIM
Actually, no I hadn't. Thank you
for reminding me.
LAYLA
You're welcome.
JIM
Are you implying something with
this new topic of discussion?
LAYLA
It's our first Valentine's Day, we
need to do it right.
JIM
Okay. What do you have in mind?
LAYLA
Well...
JIM
What about dinner and a movie?
That's traditional. We can swing by
here, pick up some food, then go
back to the dorm and watch one of
my movies.
Layla stares at him with a blank expression on her face.
JIM (CONT'D)
What?
LAYLA
Yeah it's traditional, for a Friday
night. But this is Valentine's Day.
We have to go out in public.
Amongst the other couples. You
know, be seen and all.
JIM
Oh. Okay. We can do that. If you
want.
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT
Jim's on the phone with Lawrence.
LAWRENCE
(on the phone)
So where is she now?
JIM
Would you stop asking where she is?
LAWRENCE
Did you jam her yet?
JIM
Dear god. It's just the same song
and dance with you isn't it?
LAWRENCE
Well you know I had to ask. It's
kinda my job.
JIM
I guess I should know that by now.
LAWRENCE
I can't believe you fucking broke
up with her! I mean that's
something I would do, not you.
JIM
Don't even give me that shit. I
went with my gut. As you said, I
did what needed to be done.
LAWRENCE
Do you even like this girl?
JIM
(thinks it over)
Yes I genuinely do like her,
believe it or not.
LAWRENCE
I still can't believe you fucking
broke up with her!
Jim angrily hangs up the phone.
Colin enters.
JIM
(peeved)
Your food's on the desk.
COLIN
What did you get me?
JIM
(sarcastic)
Lobster.
TITLE CARD: "THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PILLOW"
INT. ABBEY'S DORM - NIGHT
Abbey's room is surprising clean for a dorm. She has her
trademark Audrey Hepburn hanging above her bed. Across the
room is MARY JANE, 19, Abbey's roommate. She's sitting on the
bed, with the now infamous glow-in-the-dark Bob Marley poster
hanging above her. At first glance you can tell that Mary
Jane is a total stoner, you can bet the farm on it.
MARY JANE
So what do you want to do this
weekend?
ABBEY
Homework.
MARY JANE
What?
ABBEY
Homework. I don't feel like going
out.
MARY JANE
Why?
ABBEY
I just don't.
MARY JANE
You haven't been up to doing much
lately. Is it because of "he who
shall not be named"?
ABBEY
What do you think MJ? You think I'm
one of those girls who obsesses
over the guy who dumped them?
MARY JANE
Yes, yes I do.
ABBEY
(pauses)
Well you're right. I am.
MARY JANE
You need to cut that shit out.
'Cause he sure ain't gonna be
calling you any time soon.
ABBEY
How do you know that? Have you been
in touch with him? Do you even know
him? No, you don't. So therefore
you're in no position to be making
assumptions. Got it?
MARY JANE
Is he a guy?
ABBEY
What?
MARY JANE
Answer my question. Is he a guy?
Dude? Bro? Homeboy?
ABBEY
Yes he's a guy.
MARY JANE
Then that's how I know. It's that
simple. He's a guy, case closed.
ABBEY
No, case not closed.
MARY JANE
Yes case very closed. Extremely
closed Abbey. He dumped you, he's a
guy, he's a piece of shit, and he's
most likely moved on.
ABBEY
Ah ha! You said "most" likely. Not
"completely" likely, or even
"entirely" likely. Just "most". So
there's still room for hope.
MARY JANE
Girl please don't do this to
yourself. I beg of you. I like you
a lot. I'd like you even more if
you had weed on you right now, but
that's an entirely different story
for and entirely different day.
You're a cool girl Abbey. Don't do
this to yourself.
ABBEY
(pauses)
But I love him. And not like that
love that a little girl has for her
"Barbies". Real love. That
unconditional kind. Last year I
made a mistake. That one major
mistake you're allowed to make in a
relationship. I made it, I admitted
to it. And for the time being, he
forgave me. After all the shit we
went through, he took me back. And
now this.
MARY JANE
Like I said, he's a guy. They have
a tendency of fucking up things
royal.
ABBEY
So what are you a lesbian?
MARY JANE
No. I just hate men, that's all.
They suck.
ABBEY
(sincerely)
Not my guy.
MARY JANE
Man he sure did a number on you. He
dumps you cold and you still want
him.
ABBEY
That should be a testament to how
special he is.
MARY JANE
He's not special, he's a guy.
ABBEY
I wonder what he's doing right now.
CUT TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT
Jim is lying asleep in bed. Colin slowly climbs in next to
him.
COLIN
(softly in Jim's ear)
Jim...
He doesn't budge.
COLIN (CONT'D)
(slightly louder)
Jim...
Still nothing. Colin starts blowing gently in Jim's ear. He
tosses around a bit, but still remains asleep.
JIM
(muttering in his sleep)
Abbey?
Colin's shocked. He slaps Jim on the forehead. His eyes pry
open to see Colin staring back at him.
JIM (CONT'D)
Why the fuck are we lying in bed
together?
COLIN
Because you finally gave in to
temptation.
Jim gives him a look. He's not amused.
COLIN (CONT'D)
I need to give you a message.
JIM
You couldn't give me said message
from across the room?
COLIN
You were in a deep sleep.
JIM
I know. Thanks for reminding me.
COLIN
Layla called your phone, you were
sleeping so I answered.
JIM
What does she want? It's the middle
of the night.
COLIN
He don't look at me she's your
girlfriend.
Jim's a little taken back by this claim.
JIM
So what did she want?
COLIN
To let you know that she can't make
your little lunch date tomorrow
'cause she's got to finish up some
work for her "Women's Studies"
class that she forgot about.
JIM
That was her urgent message?
COLIN
Word for word.
JIM
Oh. Okay. Um... good night.
Jim closes his eyes.
COLIN
You know you called out her name in
your sleep, right?
Jim's eyes spring open.
JIM
What?
COLIN
I said you called out her name in
your sleep.
JIM
Layla's?
COLIN
Nope.
Jim realizes who Colin's referring to.
JIM
No I didn't.
COLIN
Yes you did. Right after I blew in
your ear.
JIM
I did not...
(Beat)
Did you just say that you blew in
my ear?
COLIN
Yeah.
JIM
Dude what the fuck?
COLIN
I was just trying to wake you up.
JIM
Well for future reference, next
time could you do something a
little more straight? That would be
the tops.
COLIN
I'll try to keep that in mind. But
I'm not making any promises.
JIM
Now can I get some sleep?
COLIN
Sweet dreams.
TITLE CARD: "THAT BREAK IN SPRING!!!!!"
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
There's a ruckus in the hall. Students yelling, clamoring,
anxious to leave school for the hallowed vacation.
Jim scurries about packing his bag, while Layla sits on the
bed.
Colin enters.
COLIN
Mother Mary it's a madhouse out
there.
LAYLA
Well what do you expect? This is
every college kid's dream.
JIM
(to Layla)
And aren't you glad that you're
rolling with someone who's
completely wide awake?
LAYLA
Totally.
COLIN
So what do you two have planned?
FRAT GUY 1 (O.C.)
(Shouting from the hall)
SPRING BREAK!!!!!! WOOOO!!!!!
COLIN
Like I was saying, what are you two
up to?
LAYLA
I'm going home.
JIM
Same.
COLIN
Oh how boring.
JIM
What about you?
Beat.
COLIN
I'm going home.
Beat.
FRAT GUY 2 (O.C.)
(Shouting from the hall)
SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!! OWWWW!!!!!!
JIM
I doubt they're all going home. No
one gets that excited about going
home.
COLIN
That's if home consists of white
sandy beaches and half naked
chicks.
They both give Colin a look.
COLIN (CONT'D)
What? I could've said, "Half naked
guys in speedos", but that would've
been awkward.
JIM
He's right.
SORORITY GIRL (O.C.)
(Shouting from the hall)
SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA FUCK
SO MANY GUYS!!!
(Beat)
WOOOOOOO!!!!!
EXT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY - DAY
Hundreds of students are rushing about the campus. It looks
like a full fledged riot scene.
Jim and Layla weave their way through the crowd. They arrive
at the main gate.
LAYLA
So don't forget to call me when you
get home.
JIM
I won't.
LAYLA
You better not.
JIM
(joking)
So you think you can survive a
whole week without me?
LAYLA
Oh it's gonna be tough.
JIM
That's what I hear.
LAYLA
Ha ha. Come here.
She brings him in for a kiss.
LAYLA (CONT'D)
Try not to miss me too much.
She gives him a kiss on the forehead and she's on her way.
Colin sneaks up behind Jim and covers his eyes.
COLIN
Guess who?
JIM
Hmm... my one true love?
COLIN
(removing his hands)
Bingo. So where's your woman?
JIM
You just missed her.
COLIN
Oh darn.
JIM
So you're all ready to go home?
COLIN
Yep. Packed, ready, and very
willing.
JIM
Why willing?
COLIN
I'm coming out to my parents this
week.
JIM
(shocked)
They don't know?
COLIN
Not many people do.
JIM
Wow.
COLIN
Actually, you were the first person
I came out to.
JIM
Really? I feel so honored. Why me?
COLIN
Well I figured since we were gonna
be roommates I might as well let
you in on the secret. So that way
if I started bringing guys home you
wouldn't assume that they were
study buddies. You'd know they're
butt buddies.
JIM
First of all, ew. Secondly, you're
right that just makes more sense.
But anyway I gotta get out of here,
I want all the details as soon as
possible. Keep me posted. And don't
forget, be strong.
COLIN
Tell me about it. Did I forget to
mention that my father's a captain
in the military?
JIM
Oh shit.
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jim and Lawrence are hanging out.
LAWRENCE
How's that Miri doing?
JIM
Alright. I guess.
LAWRENCE
You guess? You should know a little
more than that.
JIM
Why?
LAWRENCE
You're her roommate's boyfriend.
JIM
I'm not her boyfriend.
LAWRENCE
Then what the hell are you?
JIM
Enjoying each other's company.
LAWRENCE
Give me a break.
JIM
No.
LAWRENCE
Then ask the girl whose company you
enjoy so much what the deal with
her roommate is.
JIM
Going at the top of my priority
list as we speak.
LAWRENCE
Good. You gots to hook that up.
Then when you two decide to
actually become a couple, we can
double. How fun?
JIM
Has it occurred to you that you
don't go to the same school as us?
LAWRENCE
I will not let that stand in my
way, rest assured.
There's a knock at the door. Jim gets up to answer the door.
Abbey's standing in the doorway.
ABBEY
Hi.
Jim's floored.
LAWRENCE
Holy shit.
ABBEY
Hey Lawrence.
LAWRENCE
I think I hear my mom calling me.
I'd better get home.
Lawrence gets up to leave, shooting Jim a look on the way out
the door.
LAWRENCE (CONT'D)
Later broseph.
(To Abbey)
Yoko, always a pleasure.
ABBEY
(to Lawrence)
Take care.
(To Jim)
Okay obvious question out of the
way. Why am I here?
JIM
Yeah.
ABBEY
I'm here to talk.
JIM
About what?
ABBEY
Politics. What the hell do you
think?
JIM
Fine. Shoot.
ABBEY
Don't be like that.
JIM
Like what? This is exactly how I
am, how I've always been.
She kisses him. He pulls away.
JIM (CONT'D)
Don't try and pull that. It won't
work.
ABBEY
Are you sure?
JIM
(hesitates)
Yeah.
ABBEY
You don't seem to sure.
JIM
Well I am.
ABBEY
Take me back.
JIM
What?
ABBEY
You've done it before. It's in your
capacity. Take me back.
JIM
No.
ABBEY
Why?
JIM
Because.
ABBEY
Because why?
JIM
Because.
ABBEY
It can't be just because Jim.
That's not an explanation. It's
half assed.
JIM
Because I'm with someone else.
Abbey looks like she's been hit by a ton of bricks.
ABBEY
(pause)
Tell me you still think about me.
Jim doesn't answer.
ABBEY (CONT'D)
Jim...
JIM
Please leave.
She wears a look of disbelief, but covers it with a smile.
ABBEY
You're not out of my life just yet.
She leaves.
Jim paces around his room in frustration. His phone rings.
JIM
Yeah?
COLIN
(on the phone)
They want to send me to Jesus camp.
TITLE CARD: "MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION"
INT. ABBEY'S DORM - NIGHT
Abbey's sitting at her desk writing what appears to be a
letter. Mary-Jane enters.
MARY JANE
Hey. Whatcha up to?
ABBEY
Just some creative writing.
MARY JANE
(sarcastic)
What a blast.
INT. LAYLA'S DORM - NIGHT
Layla and Miri's dorm is a total pig sty. Layla is sitting at
the desk, Jim's on the floor watching TV. Miri is gathering
books in her bag.
MIRI
Shit.
LAYLA
What happened?
MIRI
Where's my philosophy textbook?
JIM
I have it.
MIRI
You do?
JIM
No.
MIRI
(to Layla)
Tell your guy this is no time for
jokes. I'm late as it is.
LAYLA
So just don't go.
MIRI
I have to. The fucker's giving a
pop quiz.
JIM
He told you he was gonna give a pop
quiz?
MIRI
Yeah.
JIM
Doesn't that defeat the whole
purpose? I mean the element of
surprise is completely gone now. He
should have just said that he was
giving you guys a regular quiz.
There's no need for the "pop". This
guy's an amateur. How old is he?
Twenty six? Eighty eight?
LAYLA
(to Jim)
You're so adorable when you ramble.
Layla gets up and helps Miri look for the book.
JIM
(to Miri)
Did you study?
MIRI
No. You can't study for pop
quizzes.
Jim holds in the laughter.
LAYLA
Here it is.
Layla hands Miri the book. She heads out the door.
MIRI
Thanks.
JIM
Good luck.
Miri leaves.
LAYLA
Finally alone.
JIM
Yep. What do you wanna do?
LAYLA
I don't know. You wanna have sex?
JIM
(startled/fumbles with the
remote)
What?!?
LAYLA
Was that too forward?
JIM
Um...
LAYLA
I just figured we've been together
for a few months already. I thought
maybe one of us should have brought
it up by now. It just seemed like
the normal thing to do.
JIM
Well...
LAYLA
I freaked you out didn't I? You
look like you just saw a ghost with
two heads. I'm sorry.
JIM
No, no it's just that...
LAYLA
Yeah?
JIM
(thinks it over)
Can I get back to you?
CUT TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER
COLIN
And what did you say?
JIM
I told her I'd get back to her.
Colin starts laughing.
JIM (CONT'D)
This is not funny man.
COLIN
You're right it's not.
(Beat)
It's hilarious. Who responds to
that question with that answer?
JIM
What can I say? I went all dear in
the headlights.
COLIN
What kind of hetero are you? If I
was straight and a girl like that
asked me to have sex with her you
know what I'd do?
JIM
What?
COLIN
I'd have sex with her. I'm talkin'
about the dirty kind. And I'd be
quick about it.
I mean by now I'd already be in the
drug store buying a pregnancy test
just as a precaution. That's how
quick I'd...
(Comes to a realization)
Oh my goodness you're a virgin.
JIM
Son of a bitch. Now I guess the
cat's outta the motherfucking bag.
Happy?
COLIN
Why didn't you tell me?
JIM
I'm sorry if I don't feel the need
to fill everyone in on my sex life.
COLIN
But I told you I was gay literally
the second after I met you.
JIM
So you would've preferred it if I
had introduced myself as Jim the
virgin?
COLIN
It would have helped. Maybe we
wouldn't be having this
conversation right now. Think about
that.
JIM
Alright whatever, so now you know.
What am I gonna do?
COLIN
You and Abbey never had sex?
JIM
Colin!
COLIN
What?
JIM
We didn't, okay. Hence me being a
virgin and kinda freaked out right
now.
COLIN
It never came up between the two of
you?
JIM
Jesus.
COLIN
I'm just trying to help.
JIM
No it never came up. Things were
perfect without it coming up.
COLIN
Well things aren't perfect now.
JIM
(sarcastic)
Really? I hadn't noticed.
COLIN
What are you gonna do?
JIM
I don't know. Should I go back in
there?
COLIN
She's still in there? This just
happened recently?!?
JIM
Yes.
COLIN
How the hell did you get out of
there?
JIM
I told her that I needed to use the
bathroom.
COLIN
So she's in there waiting for an
answer?
JIM
What if she thinks that me going to
the bathroom is really code for me
going to get condoms?
COLIN
Well since you don't seem that
adamant about having sex, then it
could possibly be a problem for
you.
JIM
Shit. Why didn't I take care of
this before?
COLIN
Yeah why didn't you? Were you
saving yourself for marriage?
JIM
I don't know what I was doing. I
just thought that...
COLIN
What?
JIM
That Abbey would end up being the
one.
COLIN
Oh. That's sweet.
JIM
And now all that waiting for
nothing.
COLIN
But you do realize that there is an
offer currently on the table?
JIM
Yeah. But I don't know if I'm gonna
take it.
COLIN
Can I ask a question without you
getting angry?
JIM
Yeah.
COLIN
Why?
JIM
Because I'm not a hundred percent
sure if I love her.
COLIN
But you apparently loved Abbey, why
didn't you consummate that deal?
JIM
Because I was in high school and I
was a little chicken shit. Now I'm
in college, I'm a man. When I feel
I'm in love with her, when that
light bulb goes off in my head,
then I'll advance my troops across
the border.
COLIN
So that's what the kids are calling
it these days.
INT. LAYLA'S DORM
Layla's sitting eagerly on her bed. Jim enters, she props up
to attention.
JIM
Listen, we need to have a little
chat.
EXT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY - DAY
Jim's talking to Lawrence.
LAWRENCE
(on the phone)
You fucking told her?
JIM
Yes I did. It was best to come
clean.
LAWRENCE
And who told you to do this? 'Cause
I know you didn't make this
decision all by your lonesome.
JIM
Colin helped out a bit.
LAWRENCE
Damn your gay roommate. Why
couldn't you just go ahead and get
this over with? This was your
golden opportunity.
JIM
I'm not doing anything until I feel
ready.
LAWRENCE
Lame plan.
JIM
Wow you think that's lame? What a
surprise.
LAWRENCE
So what did she say?
JIM
She was actually okay with it.
LAWRENCE
Yeah I'm sure.
JIM
She was.
LAWRENCE
That's just something girls say. In
reality she ain't fine with it. She
wants you to give it to her Jim,
give it to her hard. She's aching
for it. But you'd rather be the
gentleman in this situation and
take in account everyone's
feelings. Pussy, that's what you
are, and that's what you're missing
out on.
JIM
Don't you get it? Have you not been
paying attention?
LAWRENCE
Of course I have. I just like, nay,
love busting your balls.
TITLE CARD: " THEY SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!"
INT. JIM'S DORM - MORNING
Colin is sleeping. Jim is standing over him. Colin's eyes
start to open.
JIM
Morning.
COLIN
Morning.
(Beat)
Why are you standing over me?
JIM
I just wanna make sure that I'm the
very first person to wish you a
happy birthday.
COLIN
Oh right. That's today isn't it?
JIM
Yes it is. So, happy birthday pal.
COLIN
Thank you Jim. Now can you move?
I'd like to get out of bed.
JIM
Sure.
He moves. Colin groggily gets out of bed.
JIM (CONT'D)
What have you got planned for
today?
COLIN
Class.
JIM
Come on. On your birthday?
COLIN
Yeah.
JIM
Ditch em.
COLIN
I can't. I'll miss too much. But
don't worry about.
JIM
We're still having our little get
together tonight?
COLIN
You know it.
JIM
Looking forward to it? Excited?
COLIN
Hell yeah. It's gonna be a rager.
JIM
Is it? How many people did you
invite?
COLIN
Enough so that maybe the cops will
make an appearance.
JIM
Sweet. I've always wanted to go to
a party that gets busted up.
COLIN
Really?
JIM
No.
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
Jim and Layla stroll through the aisles pushing a cart.
JIM
Pepsi?
LAYLA
Pepsi?
JIM
Yeah.
LAYLA
At the party? You want to serve
Pepsi?
JIM
Yeah so that way I know that I'm
gonna be the only one drinking it.
All for me.
LAYLA
You know it won't kill you to have
some beer. No one'll be there
checking to see if you're of age.
JIM
I know that, I know it won't kill
me. But haven't you ever heard of
sticking with what's good?
LAYLA
And if you've never actually drank
beer how would you know it's not
good?
JIM
Boy you sure are the poster child
for peer pressure.
LAYLA
I'm just saying, not forcing. No
one's sticking a funnel down your
throat.
JIM
You've done that?
LAYLA
Maybe.
JIM
Maybe?
LAYLA
If I have I just don't remember it.
Which means it worked. Now get your
Pepsi and let's scoot.
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT
The party is in full swing. There are some many people that
it's spilled out of the room and into the hallway. Jim and
Layla are hanging out. They're wearing party hats.
A GUY, 19, approaches them.
GUY
(to Jim)
Is this your room?
JIM
Yes.
GUY
So you're his roommate?
JIM
Yeah.
GUY
Do you know where he is?
JIM
If he's not here he could be in the
hall, maybe the bathroom, maybe
outside. I'll be honest, I haven't
seen him in a while.
GUY
Well if you do before I do can you
tell him Bruce's looking for him
and he needs to give him something.
JIM
Sure thing.
Bruce leaves.
LAYLA
So what do you think it is?
JIM
My mind's not ready to venture to
those regions just yet. So I'm
gonna assume it's something
harmless. Maybe a card.
LAYLA
Hopefully a card.
JIM
You want anything to drink?
LAYLA
More beer?
JIM
Alchy. Be right back.
INT. WINFIELD DORMS - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Jim maneuvers through the crowd down to the far end of the
hall where the drinks are.
Colin sneaks up behind him. He's trying not to be seen.
COLIN
Don't turn around.
JIM
What?
COLIN
Did he come and talk to you?
JIM
Who? Oh, Bruce?
COLIN
Yes Bruce.
JIM
Yeah he told me to tell you that
he's looking for you and that he
wants to give you something. But
what, I don't know.
COLIN
You probably don't want to.
JIM
Why?
COLIN
Because Bruce is fucking bad news.
JIM
So that's why no one can find you.
You're dodging Bruce?
COLIN
Shh! Stop saying his name. He can
be anywhere.
JIM
So what's the story here?
COLIN
We fooled around for a bit, but it
didn't end well.
JIM
Why didn't you tell me this?
COLIN
Because you have your own
relationship shit going on.
JIM
But it's a two way street. You tell
me, I tell you.
COLIN
Well now I'll now for next time.
JIM
So why didn't it end well?
COLIN
He was just too needy. He wanted a
lot more than I could give.
JIM
How sad.
COLIN
(sarcastic)
Tragic.
JIM
So when he said he was gonna give
you something, could this something
be bad?
COLIN
I hope not.
JIM
Oh shit, he's not gonna like stab
you is he? 'Cause I'm not ready to
deal with you being stabbed by a
scorned lover.
COLIN
Then let's hope for the best.
JIM
(chuckling a bit)
Ha ha, bloody Mary.
COLIN
Jim!
JIM
Sorry.
COLIN
Alright I've been out in the open
too long. I'm going back in the
bathroom.
JIM
No! That was one of the places I
told him to look for you. Come back
to the room. Layla and I'll protect
you.
COLIN
Are you sure?
JIM
I think I can stand up to a few
limp wristed slaps if shit goes
down.
FADE TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - LATER
The party has dyed down a bit. People are still mingling
about.
LAYLA
Colin this is from us.
She hands him a gift. He unwraps it.
COLIN
"Casablanca"! Thank you Layla,
thank you Jim.
LAYLA
You're very welcome.
JIM
Don't mention it buddy.
COLIN
We're watching this tomorrow.
LAYLA
You bet.
Bruce enters.
BRUCE
Colin.
JIM
Here we go.
Bruce reaches for something in his pocket. Jim reacts. He
slaps Bruce in the face.
BRUCE
WHAT THE FUCK?!?
LAYLA
Jim!
COLIN
Oh god.
JIM
He was reaching for something.
BRUCE
Yeah this card jerk-off.
He pulls out a card from his pocket.
JIM
Oh no.
COLIN
Bruce I apologize.
JIM
Fuck that, I'm the one apologizing.
Bruce I'm sorry.
(Making something up)
I grew up in bad neighborhood, a
lot of gang violence. Whenever I
see someone reaching for something
I act quick. My sincerest
apologies.
BRUCE
Okay whatever.
(Handing the card to
Colin)
Here you go. Happy birthday.
COLIN
Thank you Bruce.
Bruce smiles, then shoots Jim a dirty look and leaves.
LAYLA
Jim what the fuck?
JIM
I thought he was gonna stab him.
LAYLA
What?
COLIN
That's partly my fault.
Colin opens the card and starts reading it.
JIM
Partly? Try entirely. Now I think I
gotta buy that kid something.
LAYLA
What does it say?
COLIN
Just a sentimental birthday wish,
that's all.
(disgusted)
I am so full of myself.
JIM
What if he comes after me now? I'm
not gonna get any sleep.
LAYLA
Why would he come after you?
JIM
(to Colin)
Hey Mr. Over exaggeration why don't
you fill her in.
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT - LATER
Colin is sleeping, Jim's wide awake staring at the ceiling.
CUT TO:
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM
Jim and Abbey are sitting on the floor. They're wearing party
hats. Abbey hands Jim a cupcake with a candle in it.
ABBEY
Make a wish.
She gives him a kiss on the cheek.
BACK TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT
Jim closes his eyes and tries to get some sleep.
EXT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY - DAY
Jim and Colin are taking a walk.
COLIN
So last night was fun, right?
JIM
Are you kidding me? You spent all
night hiding from the guy who I
ended up slapping in the face.
COLIN
About that. Bruce wasn't mad at me,
he wasn't after me. That was
someone else.
JIM
What?!?
COLIN
I got the names mixed up. Brad is
the one who's mad at me.
JIM
Jesus Christ Colin. Now I really
gotta send Bruce something.
TITLE CARD: "YET ANOTHER BIG REVEAL"
INT. LAYLA'S DORM - NIGHT
Jim and Layla are hanging out.
LAYLA
So my teacher wigged out on me in
class today.
JIM
Really? What did you do?
LAYLA
I broke the cardinal rule of the
class.
JIM
Which is?
LAYLA
I brought in food.
JIM
Uh oh, I'm sitting next to James
Dean over here. What did you bring
in?
LAYLA
Sushi.
JIM
Yuck. I prefer my food cooked,
thank you. But what a trendy eater
you are.
LAYLA
I know. I think my professor's just
to blind to see that. She's
probably just jealous that I get to
eat while she has to stand up there
and teach on deaf ears.
Jim checks his watch.
JIM
Oh shit.
LAYLA
What? Don't you wanna here what she
said to me?
JIM
I gotta go. Class.
LAYLA
Aww but you just got here.
JIM
I know, but duty calls.
They both get up. Layla embraces Jim and gives him a kiss.
The two of them move to the door.
INT. WINFIELD DORMS - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
They come out of the room arm in arm. She looks adoringly
into his eyes.
LAYLA
Are you gonna miss me while you're
off absorbing useless information
about... what class is it?
JIM
Biology.
LAYLA
Snooze.
She gives him a kiss.
UNKNOWN FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
WHAT THE FUCK?!?
The two of them turn their attention to a lone GIRL, 19,
standing at the far end of the hall.
LAYLA
Oh shit.
They break apart.
JIM
Who is that?
The girl advances on them.
GIRL
(to Jim)
FUCK YOU DOIN'?!?
JIM
What?
She gets right up in Jim's face.
GIRL
Answer my question.
LAYLA
Georgia what the hell are you doing
here?
JIM
(to Layla)
You know this girl?
GEORGIA
(to Jim)
I'm waiting cunt.
JIM
What did-
BOOM! Georgia decks Jim right in the jaw. He goes down fast,
he goes down hard.
JIM (CONT'D)
(on the floor)
Ow.
LAYLA
(to Georgia)
Why the fuck did you do that?!?
GEORGIA
What do you mean why?
Layla kneels down to tend to Jim.
LAYLA
Get out of here.
GEORGIA
I came to see you.
LAYLA
Just get out of here for now. We
can talk, but right now I need you
to leave.
GEORGIA
Fine.
Georgia stubbornly leaves the hall.
JIM
(groggy)
No wait come back. I'm getting my
second wind. I wanna throw a punch.
Let me punch you.
LAYLA
Jim she's gone.
JIM
And she would be who?
LAYLA
Try not to move your head to much.
Your jaw is starting to swell.
JIM
And I'd like to know the identity
of the girl responsible for my
broken face.
LAYLA
She...
(Pauses)
She's my girlfriend.
JIM
Well it's a good thing I'm already
on the floor.
INT. JIM'S DORM - NIGHT
Jim's laying in bed, Colin's pacing around the room.
COLIN
This is shocking news Jim.
JIM
(a little groggy)
Understatement of the fucking year.
COLIN
I just can't believe it. Layla's a
dyke.
JIM
Should I have seen this coming?
Should I have spotted the signs?
Were there even any signs to spot?
I mean she doesn't come off as
dykey.
COLIN
Listen if I couldn't tell then you
never had a chance. My gaydar must
be on the fritz or something. I
should be able to spot these things
like pennies on the ground.
JIM
I'm at a loss for words.
COLIN
So was this girl really butch?
JIM
How does that matter?
COLIN
I just assume that Layla would be
the girl in relationship.
JIM
Well she's got a good left. So
that's pretty butch. And she called
me a cunt.
COLIN
She called you a cunt?
JIM
She called me a cunt.
COLIN
She's definitely the guy.
JIM
My first sucker punch and it comes
from a bull dyke on her period.
COLIN
Don't you have class now?
JIM
Are kidding me? My girlfriend's
girlfriend just introduced her
fucking fist to my fucking jaw. Do
you think I need biology right now?
COLIN
So then what's the plan with this
whole mess? You need damage
control.
There's a knock at the door. Colin answers it. It's a
MESSENGER, 30's.
COLIN (CONT'D)
Can I help you?
MESSENGER
Yeah I got a letter for a Tim
Kramer.
COLIN
Jim.
MESSENGER
Huh?
COLIN
Jim. Jim Kramer. That's who the
message is for.
MESSENGER
That's a "J"?
He shows Colin the letter.
COLIN
Yes it is.
MESSENGER
Are you sure?
JIM
Jesus Christ give me the damn
letter!
MESSENGER
Who's that?
COLIN
That's the man whose letter your
holding.
MESSENGER
Tim?
JIM
SERENITY NOW!
MESSENGER
(to Jim)
Hey bro what's your problem?
JIM
Colin, murder him or take the
letter. Either way I want him out
of my life in the next five
seconds.
COLIN
He's had a bad day. I think it's
best if you just give me the letter
and mosey on.
MESSENGER
Alright whatever.
(To Jim)
Take it easy Tim.
Colin closes the door. He inspects the letter.
JIM
Who's it from?
COLIN
Do you really wanna know? Given
your current state I think we
should hold off on this 'till
tomorrow.
JIM
Let me guess, Abbey?
COLIN
Correct.
JIM
(thinks it over)
Give it here.
COLIN
No.
JIM
What?
COLIN
You got enough on your plate as it
is. We'll save dessert for later.
JIM
Give me the damn letter. Don't make
me take it from you.
COLIN
I'd like to see you try.
JIM
Well I'm not, that was an empty
threat. That's all I need right now
is for us to start wrestling around
the room and one of my hands
touches a place it's not supposed
to, and then it gets awkward and
you tell me it's okay to have those
kinds of feelings and-
COLIN
Alright fine take the letter.
Colin hands him the letter.
JIM
Can I have some privacy?
COLIN
If you insist.
Colin leaves. Jim opens the envelope, takes out the letter.
"PLEASE READ ME" is written on one of the folds. Jim begins
reading.
ABBEY (V.O.)
I know what you're thinking, here
we go again. Another year, another
quirky way for me to win back your
affection. Same song different
verse. Well you're half right. Am I
still in love with you? Hell yes.
Anyone can see that. A blind man
with his back turned to me can see
that. You're one in a million. The
diamond in the rough.
I mean you're the only other person
I know, besides myself, who's seen
"Bottle Rocket". And on top of
that, your favorite Wilson brother
is Andrew. How unique can you be?
You're perfect. But am I gonna try
and win you back this time? No. My
eyes have been opened. I've been
taught by a very wise women. And
you wouldn't believe how wise she
is considering the fact that she
smokes her weight in grass. She
helped me realize something
important. I've made my move
already, now it's time for you to
make yours. It's all up to you. I
can't force you, and I'm done
pleading. So this is it. If this
letter works like I hope it will,
then I'll be seeing you soon. If
not, then it's been real. Have a
great life.
Jim closes his eyes and thinks something over long and hard.
He folds the letter back up and shoves it in the envelope.
INT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY CAFETERIA - DAY
Layla and Jim are sitting across from each other in silence.
JIM
So...
LAYLA
So...
JIM
Is she gonna like come up from
behind me or something? I don't
feel very safe out in the open like
this.
LAYLA
She's back in my room. Miri's
keeping an eye on her.
JIM
Did Miri know about her? About you?
LAYLA
No one did.
JIM
So you're a lesbian?
LAYLA
I'm bi.
JIM
Did you ever plan on telling me?
Did that thought even cross your
mind? I mean this a pretty big
secret to keep.
LAYLA
I figured you'd eventually find
out, get mad and dump me. So that's
why I didn't rush to tell you.
JIM
I bet you didn't see all this
coming then?
LAYLA
Obviously not.
JIM
So was I the first guy you ever...
LAYLA
Dated? Yes.
JIM
In a way I popped your cherry. Just
not in the conventional sense.
LAYLA
I guess you're right.
JIM
Is that why you wanted to have sex?
You wanted to see what it was like?
LAYLA
Yeah but I wasn't using you for the
sex, I genuinely liked you.
JIM
Liked? Past tense?
LAYLA
Present.
JIM
I thought girls were supposed to
wait until college to experiment.
LAYLA
I did. I've always liked girls. And
up until recently I never gave guys
the time of day.
JIM
Until me.
LAYLA
Yep.
JIM
Don't I feel special.
LAYLA
You should.
JIM
But you have a girlfriend.
LAYLA
Listen, Georgia and I decided to
take a break at the beginning of
the year. We thought the long
distance thing would be tough. But
after the first month of school she
called me saying that we should
call it off, that the break was a
bad idea. She said she needed me. I
told her the break was for the best
and just stopped answering her
calls. The problem with her is
she's very controlling. She's gotta
have everything her way. So when I
met you, I just kinda shut her out.
Jim remains silent.
LAYLA (CONT'D)
Jim?
JIM
I think I need to come clean with
you, so as not to be a complete
hypocrite.
LAYLA
Okay.
JIM
I kinda had a girlfriend too. I
kinda broke up with her after we
kissed that night.
LAYLA
Oh my god.
JIM
What?
LAYLA
I'm a fucking home wrecker. Jim I'm
so sorry.
JIM
Don't feel so bad. It was pretty
much inevitable. You just gave me
that extra push. You were like the
added incentive for breaking up
with my girlfriend.
LAYLA
I still feel bad though, for
everything. I handled this all
wrong.
JIM
So what was the deal with her
calling me a cunt?
LAYLA
She really hates guys.
JIM
Well duh, hence the lesbianism. But
it's such a harsh word, and I'm not
even a girl.
LAYLA
I'll have a little talk with her
about that. She's got a short fuse.
JIM
(pause)
So what do we do now?
LAYLA
Well... she's still my girlfriend
apparently. She hasn't cashed in
her chips yet. And despite how much
she irks me, I still love her. We
just got a lot of shit to work out.
JIM
Yeah, I guess. It's a shame though.
I thought we had something there
for a while. Right up until that
left hook.
You're a really cool girl, named
after a classic. I'm sure you'll
continue to make whoever you're
with happy.
LAYLA
Thank you Jim. You're amazing, the
way you're handling all this. I'd
never expect it from anyone.
Nothing but class all the way. And
I'm sure whoever you end up will be
nothing but happy.
JIM
So... fun while it lasted right?
LAYLA
Definitely. Friends?
JIM
We have no choice, do we? There's
still a few weeks left of school,
we're across the hall from each
other. Unless you have an
invisibility cloak, I think
friendship is the best bet.
LAYLA
Sounds good. Now I got an angry
chick back in my dorm to tend to,
so I'm get outta here. I'll see you
around buddy.
JIM
Later pal.
INT. WINFIELD DORMS - HALLWAY - LATER
Jim arrives at his door. There is a note taped on it. It
says: "I'm sorry I called you a cunt. From Georgia. PS. - She
made me do this." Jim wears a smile of satisfaction. He takes
the note off the door, turns it over, and takes out a pen. On
the back he writes: "Apology accepted, cunt." He sticks it on
Layla's door. Problem solved. He goes into his room and
closes the door behind him.
There's a long pause.
Jim bursts out of his room with a black magic marker. He
feverishly scribbles out the word "cunt" from the note. He
calms down, then goes back inside.
TITLE CARD: "SO IT'S COME TO THIS."
INT. JIM'S DORM - MORNING
Jim's laying in bed wide awake. Colin is just waking up.
COLIN
Morning.
JIM
Ditto.
COLIN
Good night's sleep?
JIM
Not really. Come to think of it I
didn't get any.
COLIN
How come?
JIM
Doin' a lot of thinking I guess.
COLIN
Oh.
JIM
I've had a lot on my mind the past
few weeks. That whole Layla thing,
my jaw, and just a bunch of other
shit.
COLIN
And the letter.
JIM
Yeah.
COLIN
What exactly did that thing say?
JIM
Well, she said that we either get
back together or never speak to
each other ever again.
COLIN
Harsh. So would it be to forward to
ask what you're gonna do about it?
JIM
Some more thinking.
COLIN
Well think fast 'cause school's
almost over. Now I'm gonna go and
get some breakfast. Wanna come?
JIM
Nah. But can you bring me back a
banana?
COLIN
How phallic.
FADE TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - LATER
Colin has left. Jim is still in bed. He closes his eyes.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: " THAT FATEFUL NIGHT."
INT. JIM KRAMER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jim is in his bed. Abbey is standing by the door in tears.
She's just been dumped by her prince charming.
ABBEY
(through the tears)
You know the funny thing is I knew
this was coming. I was skating on
thin ice with you. I knew it was
only a matter of time. But I never
thought hearing those words would
hurt this much.
JIM
Abbey, I...
ABBEY
And despite all this I still know
you're the one. Don't ask me how, I
just know. You're that good. So
I'll see you around Jim.
BACK TO:
INT. JIM'S DORM - MORNING
Jim opens his eyes and gets out of bed. He paces frantically
around the room. He takes the envelope out from one of his
drawers. Colin enters.
COLIN
Think quick.
Colin tosses Jim the banana. Jim pays no attention and it
hits him in the head.
JIM
What the fuck?!? Why are you
throwing fruit?
COLIN
Sorry.
JIM
I'm gonna go see her.
COLIN
Her who?
JIM
Abbey.
COLIN
Why?
JIM
I need to talk to her.
COLIN
About what? Her thoughts on the
death penalty?
JIM
I need a car.
COLIN
Let me get this straight, in the
time it took me to go out, get
breakfast, and come back, you make
this crucial decision? What did you
have a fucking epiphany?
JIM
Colin, I need a car.
COLIN
Mine?
JIM
Yes. You have to understand that
this is of the upmost importance.
COLIN
What about finals?
JIM
In the words of every college
student who's ever lived, "Fuck
finals."
COLIN
Jim!
JIM
Don't worry I'll be back in time.
Is there gas in it?
COLIN
Full tank.
JIM
Keys?
Colin goes and takes them out of a drawer. He tosses them to
Jim.
COLIN
Be safe.
JIM
Thanks, I won't forget this.
He turns to leave.
JIM (CONT'D)
Oh and you can have the banana.
Insert gay joke here.
CUT TO:
INT. COLIN'S CAR - MOVING
Jim floors it down the interstate.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - AFTERNOON
Jim wanders around aimlessly looking for his destination.
INT. DORMITORY HALLWAY
Jim peruses the halls. He arrives at the correct door.
He knocks. Abbey opens the door.
JIM
Hey. You wanna go grab a bite to
eat?
ABBEY
Oh my god it worked.
INT. COLLEGE CAFETERIA - LATER
Jim and Abbey are in the middle of their meal.
JIM
The food's not that bad here.
ABBEY
It's edible.
JIM
My school's is alright, I guess.
Nothing to write home about.
ABBEY
So are we just gonna have a back
and forth about the food at our
campuses?
JIM
I like their choice of wall color
here. My school has more of a
Department of Motor Vehicle vibe.
ABBEY
Jim!
JIM
What?
ABBEY
I know you didn't drive all this
way to talk about interior design.
We should get down to the real
business at hand.
JIM
You're right.
ABBEY
So...
JIM
Then I'll get right to it.
(Pause)
I came here to say that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for what I did, how this
situation was handled. You deserve
better.
ABBEY
Yep.
JIM
Good.
ABBEY
So you're taking me back?
JIM
No.
ABBEY
What?
JIM
But...
ABBEY
But what?
JIM
I think we should have sex.
ABBEY
Excuse me.
JIM
You heard me. I think the two of us
should have sex.
ABBEY
We should have sex, but you're not
taking me back?
JIM
Right. I know it sounds crazy. Even
a little pervy. I'll give you that.
But I assure you my intentions are
true.
ABBEY
How so?
JIM
Because I always thought you'd be
the one.
ABBEY
Jim...
JIM
And I blew it big time with you.
The only reason I'm asking is
because if I'm gonna do it with
anyone it would've been with
someone like you. And despite all
our shit, what we've been through,
whatever the future's gonna bring,
I doubt I'll ever find another you.
That expression about god breaking
the mold comes to mind. That
thing's been shattered. You're the
first and the last.
Abbey begins to smile.
CUT TO:
INT. ABBEY'S DORM - LATER
Jim and Abbey are under the covers in bed, staring at the
ceiling. The deed has been done.
JIM
Scale of one to ten?
ABBEY
I'd say about a solid eight.
JIM
Hey that's above average. Kramer
you magnificent bastard.
There's an extended silence
ABBEY
So this is it?
JIM
I guess it is. Our saga is
complete.
ABBEY
This isn't "Star Wars".
JIM
I know, but I'd like to think of
this as some kind of weird epic
journey, minus the lightsabers and
wookies.
ABBEY
And storm troopers.
JIM
And storm troopers.
They shift and face each other.
ABBEY
So this is it.
JIM
Yeah.
FADE TO:
INT. ABBEY'S DORM - MOMENTS LATER
They're now both dressed and by the door.
ABBEY
Take it easy Woody.
JIM
You know I always do.
Jim turns and goes out the door.
JIM (CONT'D)
Oh I almost forgot. I have
something for you.
He hands her a "100 Grand" candy bar from his pocket.
JIM (CONT'D)
You won.
ABBEY
I was hoping I wouldn't.
JIM
Me too. Well, here's looking at you
kid.
ABBEY
Corny.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - MOMENTS LATER
Jim exits the building. The weight has been lifted.
Mary Jane passes by him.
JIM
(to Mary Jane)
Excuse me do you live here?
MARY JANE
Yeah.
JIM
Mary Jane right?
MARY JANE
How do you know that?
JIM
Lucky guess. Listen I have a favor
to ask.
MARY JANE
Yeah?
JIM
Look after her, okay?
MARY JANE
Jim?
JIM
Good guess.
TITLE CARD: "THAT ALICE COOPER SONG."
INT. JIM'S DORM - DAY
Colin and Jim are packing their bags.
COLIN
One down, three more to go.
JIM
You said it brother.
COLIN
What do you got going on this
summer?
JIM
Good question. Maybe do some light
reading. Probably go outside, get
some fresh air.
COLIN
Bullshit.
JIM
Yeah you're right.
COLIN
You know I had fun this year.
JIM
Me too. Can't wait for fall.
COLIN
You say that now, but once those
leaves start changing colors you'll
start freaking. Believe me.
JIM
You're so wise.
COLIN
Thank your lucky stars that you
have access to that wisdom.
(Beat)
Breeder.
EXT. WINFIELD UNIVERSITY - DAY
Jim's taking one last stroll. His phone starts ringing. He
sits at a nearby bench and answers it.
JIM
Hello?
LAWRENCE
(on the phone)
What up bitch ass?
JIM
Hey long time no speak.
LAWRENCE
Damn right. What have you been
living under a fucking rock? I was
starting to get worried. I was on
the verge of holding new best
friend auditions.
So what's been going on the past
couple of weeks? Anything
interesting?
This brings a smile to Jim's face.
JIM
Are you sitting down?
FADE TO BLACK.
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