Good Try, We Don't Like It
Story by
Topher Rhives and Bruce Snyder
Screenplay By Topher Rhives
FADE IN:
INT. OBLIVION  TIMELESS
The screen is completely white.
Jerry Wright, a 17 year old guy walks into the center.  He is tired looking and dressed in a robe and pjs.  He looks around, startled as though he is on a stage.
JERRY
Alloz.  It's funny how life can be, right.  How it can throw you in such a mess, you come out looking like shit no matter what.  Love does it to the best of us.  I guess that's the whole idea behind my whole sordid tale.  Hey, I'm Jerry Wright.  And let's face it, the majourity opinion on me is, well, how to say this nicelyÖ hmm, well I don't think there is any other way to say it.  A good percentage of people think, well I'm an asshole.
(beat)
Don't believe me?
He snaps his fingers, a series of interview style clips of exes and what not play.
JERRY (CONT'D)
See what I meanÖ Anyhow, back to this little narrative, bear with me now, this does get better.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM  MORNING
A guy is in the middle of a shower.  He is Leon Rennes, 17 years old.  He is singing a song out of key.
JERRY (O.S.)
Well I guess I should start with my best friend, Leon Rennes.  He's the quirky kind of guy, we all know.  The one who'll come to school in all pink, since now  guys are not assumed to be a tap dancing little faggot if they do.  A satirist, if you will.
The doorbell rings.  Leon turns off the shower, grabs a towel, and wraps it around him.
LEON
ComingÖ
He opens the door to the entranceway walks up to the front door and opens it.
He looks around.  No one is there.  He steps outside and closes the door behind him.
JERRY (O.S.)
But I should mention he's not always on the up and up, if you know what I meanÖ
LEON
Ding-dong-ditch, wow, that brings back memoriesÖ
He tries to get back into his house.  The door is locked.
LEON (CONT'D)
Oh don't do this now!
He rattles the door, attempting to get inside.
FOOT BALL PLAYER (O.S.)
Hey!  Leon!
LEON
What?
Leon turns to see a bulky looking football player rushing towards him.
JERRY (O.S.)
And he's always getting on someone's nervesÖ
FOOT BALL PLAYER
This is for last week, fucker!
Leon starts to run, his hand tightly grasping his towel.
CUT TO:
INT. LILLITH'S ROOM  DAY
JERRY (O.S.)
Then there's my sister, Lillith.  She's in the art scene, which would be the best way to describe it.  She's always into one thing or another.  Poems, painting, acting, that sort of thing.  Only thing she isn't doing is making money and going to college.  She says she's taking the year off, so I guess we'll see.
CUT TO:
INT. VIDEO STORE  DAY
A girl, May, 17 passionately kisses a guy, Bill Feins, 18.
JERRY (O.S.)
My girlfriend, May.  I don't really know why we're going out.  Things seem to be in a haze with her.  She might be cheating on me, she might not.  I've heard rumours, but the sources aren't tight, so I dunno.
She slams against the glass and an employee looks up and sighs.
VIDEO STORE EMPLOYEE
Watch the glass, please.
Bill looks at him and flips him the bird with a sort of half smirk.
BILL
Don't watch us, watch your store, perv.
VIDEO STORE EMPLOYEE
Sure, sure.  Don't think about renting from here again, though.
BILL
You wish I'd rent from your shit shack.  You don't even have the good stuff.
VIDEO STORE EMPLOYEE
You mean the porno?
BILL
Yeah, the tit flicks.
VIDEO STORE EMPLOYEE
You are a sad sad little man.
BILL
Oh don't bullshit me, you watch porn.  We all do.
VIDEO STORE CLERK
True, but I prefer regular old two people doing it, porno.  You look like a bestiality kind of guyÖ
BILL
Fuck you, man.  That was only one time.
May pulls away.
MAY
WHAT!
She begins to walk away.
BILL
It's not how it seems.  I didn't know what the word meant.  It was my friends, theyÖ
It's too late.  She has already left.
BILL (CONT'D)
GoddammitÖ
We pan down from Bill.  May walks past a girl.  The girl is Audrey, 17 years old.  She places select movies behind other movies.
JERRY (O.S.)
Oh and Audrey.  Wow, what to say about her.  If perfection had a name, it'd.  Haha that sounded cheesy, I know.  But I can't help it.
Another customer looks at her.
DEMETRI
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Audrey looks up.  And Demetri points to the DVD she holds in her hand.
DEMETRI (CONT'D)
The flicker, what do you think you're doing with it?
AUDREY
Saving you five dollars.
DEMETRI
Come on now, I can rent what I want.  Now hand me over the flicker.
She glances down at the movie, HOUSE OF THE DEAD, and sighs.
AUDREY
Alright, but it's your loss.
Demetri begins to walk away.
AUDREY (CONT'D)
There's a reason they call him "The UweBolla Virus, you knowÖ
CUT TO:
FADE IN:
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
Inside, the store is pretty much empty except for a few wandering customers.
JERRY (O.S.)
Alright, now've we got that established.  I think we shall begin my little sordid tale.  And with that we open on another listless day at work.
The store manager Humphrey Madison, a 24 year old guy who brings to mind "Woody Allen" interviews a man, Arthur Davis, in his early 20's and looking like he just woke up.
HUMPHREY
O.K Mr...
DAVIS
Davis.
HUMPHREY
Mr. Davis, what are your qualifications?
DAVIS
What?
HUMPHREY
Why should I hire you?
DAVIS
I didn't think we needed qualifications.
Humphrey sighs.
HUMPHREY
Oh, you do.
He points to a wall with the employee of the month pictures on it - he's on every month.
HUMPHREY (CONT'D)
You see that wall over there?
(beat)
That shows a determination, that you have something to strive for.  Do you have an employee of the month photo?
DAVIS
No, but I don't even work here.
HUMPHREY
Then why should I hire you?
(beat)
Wait, I've got it.  You can show me.
He grabs a bag of jerky from the rack.
He hands it to Davis.
HUMPHREY (CONT'D)
Here, sell me this bag of jerky.
Davis takes the bag.
DAVIS
Hello...
Humphrey stops him.
HUMPHREY
Wait, wait, I've got to get into character                              (beat)
Ok start again.
DAVIS
Hello sir, would you care to buy some jerky?
HUMPHREY
Hold up just a sec.
DAVIS
What now?
HUMPHREY
Look how you're holding that jerky.
He looks down.
DAVIS
What about it?
HUMPHREY
Isn't it obvious?  The way you're holding it says to me that you don't want me to have this jerky.  It says "no jerky for you."
(beat)
Now try again.
Davis once again presents the jerky to him.
DAVIS
UhÖ
HUMPHREY
Wait, lemme see those hands.
Davis shows them.
HUMPHREY (CONT'D)
Filthy, just filthy.  Go wash up.
Davis starts to leave.
HUMPHREY (CONT'D)
Woah, woah, woah, were do you think you're going.
DAVIS
But you
HUMPHREY
Under qualified and ill spoken?
Leave my store!
The guy leaves as we pan down towards Jerry at the cash register.
He rings up an old woman's purchase.
JERRY
You really need to ease up on your hiring process.
HUMPHREY
I hire only the finest.
At that moment Hayden, Humphrey 17 year old younger brother and semi-clone in mannerisms pokes his head from an isle while holding a broom.
He looks down into the pile of stuff collected by his broom.
HAYDEN
Hey, we have grapes!
Jerry sighs.
He rings up the old woman's stuff.
JERRY
That'll be nineteen thirty, Ma'am.
The old woman pulls up a large bulky bag.
OLD WOMAN
Hold on.  Let me count it out.
She starts to count one quarter at a time.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - DAY
Jerry walks at a brisk pace, he bumps into Steve, wearing a milk shake costume, on the street.
JERRY
Watch it.
He starts to walk off.
STEVE
I'm going to get you...
JERRY
Really...
STEVE
Probably not now, but sometime when you least expect, or you might expect, I dunno, either way I'll get you back.
(beat)
Have a coupon.
He hands Jerry a coupon, Jerry takes it and walks off.
JERRY
Right, Steve.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S HOUSE  NIGHT
Jerry enters his house.
Two dogs run up to him.
JERRY
Dog, Mutt, I was suppose to walk you two today, wasn't I?
(beat)
Sorry about that.
The dogs look at him.
JERRY (CONT'D)
I'll walk you guys tomorrow.
He walks into his living room, hits the answering machine, and slumps on the couch.
A message plays.
MAY (V.O.)
Hey Jerry, it's May.  Just calling to remind you to call me.  Bye.
He takes a breath.
A dog nudges against him.
JERRY
Piss off.
CUT TO:
INT. LILLITH'S ROOM - DAY
LILLITH types on a computer.
A knock is heard at her door.
LILLITH
Come in.
JERRY enters.
JERRY
I need advice.
LILLITH
Can it wait?
JERRY
You're just surfing the net.
LILLITH
Well I like to know what people think of my scripts.
JERRY
They lack description and are entirely self-serving.
LILLITH
I didn't ask for your opinion.
JERRY
Right, I'm sure the people at "Simply Scripts" will say otherwise.
LILLITH
"R.E Freak," "Andrew Roby," "Heretic", and "WesleytheProtaganist" seem to like the script.
JERRY
What about "The Goose"?
LILLITH
Ditto.  "Michael Birch" says I alienate my characters to the point that they're unbelievable and I should downplay the character quirks.
JERRY
Has he written anything?
LILLITH
He wrote a script called "The Everland" which was posted for a while.  Don took it down.  Mike said he was developing a TV series or something along those lines.
JERRY
So, what are you doing right now.
LILLITH
Well before you walked in I was emailing Don about the script link.
She right clicks the mouse.
LILLITH (CONT'D)
What is it you wanted to ask.
JERRY
Do you think I'm an asshole?
Lillith ponders for a second.
LILLITH
Yes.  Yes you are.
JERRY
I mean at relations.
LILLITH
Again yes.  Jerry, everyone I've talked too says so.
JERRY
And you've talked to?
LILLITH
Well you dated Dawn last year.
JERRY
She said she was gay.  You dated her from what I recall.
LILLITH
She was bi actually, she left because you were a dead beat.
JERRY
Why didn't you tell me this?
LILLITH
It's irrelevant.  Look, she said you didn't do anything, never took the time to do something for her.
JERRY
I took her out for Valentine's Day.
LILLITH
And you made her pay for her own movie ticket.  Face it you suck at relationships.
(beat)
By the way how are things with May?
JERRY
Fine, I guess.
CUT TO:
INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
Jerry and May sit at a table.
May browses a menu.
MAY
This place is really over priced.
JERRY
Well it's five bucks for some coffee and some bullshit.
MAY
What?
JERRY
You know bullshit - atmosphere.
May nods.
MAY
Right, come for the cheap imported
Coffee and stay for the pseudo-
Intellectual chatter.
JERRY
Pretty much.
MAY
Ah yes money well spent.
JERRY
Well you know the artsy types.
MAY
Watch it.
JERRY
What?
MAY
You're assuming.
May looks at him and sighs.
JERRY
I'm just saying they substitute actual talent with half-baked messages.
MAY
Only the hacks do.
JERRY
Well the art industry seems full of them.
CUT TO:
INT. LEON'S HOUSE - BASEMENT
Jerry and Leon sit on the couch playing video games.
Leon pulls something out of his pocket.
JERRY
Do I really want to know what that is?
LEON
It's a poem, something I wrote in my spare time.
JERRY
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
LEON
No, I'm not.  Here.
(beat)
Love is a fall:
As you sit idly by: watching your muse, in utter silence and timid flirtations.
Of distant memories, shaded with idealism, she haunts you with the thoughts of what if.
And you aghast and awash in a sea of self doubt, of indignant fuckery and other trite and troublesome musings that say you're attempts are ill fated and it is unwise to press on.
And you stand back yearning to cry: "I love you!", "Yes, I fucking love you!", but you only manage to utter affable  nothings in passing bys.
AND YOU'RE FALLING:
Falling in love Falling for love until Ö. you hit the ground.
JERRY
Emo.
LEON
Oh come on it's not that bad.
JERRY
It lacks original construct besides; who is it even about?
LEON
Nobody really.
JERRY
Right.
LEON
OK, it's about this girl I know, who blindly lust after a guy who doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything.  He's a slacker with charm.
Jerry laughs.
JERRY
Poor bastard; I'd hate to be in his shoes.
LEON
I'm sure you do.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Leon, Jerry, and Audrey walk Jerry's dogs.
AUDREY
I don't think I can sleep in my room anymore.
LEON
Why?
AUDREY
You know those ghost shows?
JERRY
Yeah.
LEON
I guess.
AUDREY
Well they were doing some EVP'S and
JERRY
EVP'S?
LEON
Electronic voice phenomenon.
AUDREY
Right.  Anyhow, I figure what the hey I'll try it and see if anything happens.
LEON
And you caught something?
AUDREY
Sounded like someone whispering.
JERRY
Scary.
AUDREY
I'll say.
Jerry laughs.
JERRY
No, it's scary you buy into that kind of thing.
AUDREY
Try it yourself.
JERRY
Yes, then I'll have John Edwards give a cold reading while Sylvia Brown explains who I was in a past life.
AUDREY
I never said anything about believing in psychics.
JERRY
Don't you?
AUDREY
Not really.
LEON
Besides hearing voices, what else is new.
AUDREY
Nothing really.  Hayden tried to ask me out.
(beat)
God, that guy's annoying.
JERRY
Tell me about it.  I have to work with the twat.
LEON
Who are we talking about?
AUDREY
Hayden Madison.
LEON
Never met the guy.
JERRY
You should consider yourself lucky.
LEON
What's so bad about him?
AUDREY
He's dumb, annoying, egotistical...
JERRY
And those are his redeeming qualities.  He and his brother
AUDREY
There are more of them?
JERRY
Don't worry, his brother's out of college.
AUDREY
Who's his brother?
JERRY
Humphrey, he manages the store.
AUDREY
Oh right I've seen him.
(beat)
He's the guy whose been employee of the month for about a year?
JERRY
Two years actually, funny thing is he's the one who has final say in that.
AUDREY
Ooh, a scandal.
They laugh.
JERRY
Hey, anyone have the time?
Audrey looks at her watch.
AUDREY
Yeah, it's 5:03.
JERRY
Shit, I was supposed to be at work by five.
He hands Audrey Mutts leash.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Here take Mutt.  All you have to do is just walk them around the block then drop them at my house.
He leans over and pets the two dogs.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Mutt, Dog, you two behave.
He rushes off.
Audrey and Leon walk the dogs.
Audrey holds Mutt - a medium size dog, while Leon holds Dog a relatively small dog.
LEON
Could we possibly switch dogs?
AUDREY
Why?  Do small dogs emasculate you?
(beat)
Cause you know how ridiculous you'd sound if you said that, right?
LEON
It's not that.
AUDREY
Then what is it?
LEON
To be honest, I have an acute fear of them.
AUDREY
Of dogs?
LEON
No just small ones.
Audrey laughs and hands him Mutt's leash.
He hands her Dog's.
AUDREY
And to think I've known you eight years and never knew you were afraid of dogs.  No wait, just small dogs.
CUT TO:
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
Hayden and Jerry stand at one end of the isle preparing to race with mops.
HAYDEN
Oh it's go time, little man.
They start to race.
Hayden leads in front of Jerry.
JERRY
You're so slow.
Hayden stops.
HAYDEN
No, I'm not I meanÖ
He starts again.
Jerry slides to the finish line.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM  DAY
Jerry and May sit on his bed making out.
May pulls away.
MAY
Hey, could you hold on a sec.
JERRY
Sure
MAY
Sorry about this, just need a drink.
JERRY
Don't worry about it.  Just hurry, alright?
MAY
Alright.
She smiles and kisses him.  Then gets up to leave.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY  DAY
May walks down the hallway.
CUT TO:
INT. LILLITH'S ROOM - DAY
Lillith is sitting her chair with a pad of paper on her lap.  There are several crumbled papers around her.  She seems to be in deep thought.  Suddenly she is hit with a brilliant idea.  She writes something down.
LILLITH
(reading)
I believe that loveÖ is not limited to conventional ideas.
She smiles and leans back in the chair.
She begins to relax, as if she is done now that she has her line.
MAY (O.S.)
That was really good.
Lillith looks up to see May standing in the doorway.
Lillith smiles.
LILLITH
Thanks.
May smiles and then leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM  DAY
Jerry waits.  Apparently bored out of his mind.  May returns.
JERRY
You forgot your drink
MAY
What drink?
(beat)
Oh, that I forgot.
JERRY
Ah I see.
She sits back down on his bed.  Her thoughts are obviously elsewhere.
Jerry leans into kiss her.  But she draws back.
MAY
I'm not really in the mood, sorry about this.
Jerry sighs.  May gets up to leave.
MAY (CONT'D)
I'm sorry Jerry, I just don't feel like doing this nowÖ She throws her hoodie on and leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY -- DAY
Jerry grabs books out of his locker, Leon walks up behind him.
LEON
So how are things with May.
JERRY
They're pretty well.
LEON
Any chance you'll break up?
Jerry glares at him.
JERRY
Now why the hell'd you say that.
LEON
It's not going to last forever, so how long?
JERRY
I don't see how this concerns you.
LEON
I just like to know shit like this.
JERRY
Well get your own girlfriend.
LEON
I've tried.  So if you weren't dating May who'd you go out with?
JERRY
That's hard to say
LEON
What about Audrey?
JERRY
You've got to be kidding me.
LEON
And you haven't been the least curious?
JERRY
It's crossed my mind, but she knows me, so I doubt she'd say yes.
Why don't you ask her?
LEON
I don't think she's that attractive.
JERRY
You don't think any girl is attractive.
LEON
Fuck you.  There is at least one girl I think is hot.
JERRY
Really who?
LEON
I'd rather not say.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
May and Leon walk down the hall.
LEON
It's as simple as that.
MAY
I still don't follow.
LEON
It doesn't really matter.
(beat)
Your still going out with Jerry?
May sighs.
MAY
Yeah.
LEON
Damn.
MAY
You know, you're a nice guy.
LEON
Right, a good friend.
MAY
Exactly.  I mean I can really talk to you.
LEON
That's wonderful.  So if you and Jerry ever break up would you be interested inÖ She continues to talk.
MAY
And I'm glad we can just be friends.
LEON
But...
She leaves.
Leon sighs and turns around.
He runs into Audrey.
AUDREY
Well you've hit a new low.
LEON
What, she's dating Jerry.  I give it a week tops.
AUDREY
And trying to get her to break up with him is any better?
LEON
I'm doing them a favour.
AUDREY
No, your doing yourself one.
LEON
Hey nobody said that personal gain was bad.
AUDREY
It is if forget it.
Leon starts to leave.
LEON
Well I have to head to class, see ya.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL  LIBRARY  DAY
Lillith sits at a desk she is engaged in her books.  May sits down next to her.
MAY
HeyÖ
Lillith looks up at her.
LILLITH
HeyÖ
She continues to read.
MAY
So what are you reading?
Lillith looks up.
LILLITH
Oh, this.  Fight Club.
MAY
I love that movieÖ Oh my god Brad Pitt was so just wow.
Lillith laughs.
LILLITH
I do hope you're kiddingÖ
MAY
Oh yeah, I am.  I'm more an Ed Norton girl, myself.  And you?  Brad or Ed?
LILLITH
Hmm May looks at her.
MAY
Well come on if you had to choose one of them.
LILLITH
WellÖ hmmm, I'm not sure howÖ
MAY
You have to like someone from that flick.
(beat)
Wait, you're not a Bobert girl, are you?
LILLITH
Oh no, nothing like that.
Lillith continues to read.
MAY
Then what is it ?
LILLITH
To be honest I'm more of a Singer girl, myself.
May looks at her a bit surprised.
MAY
Singer?  As in Marla Singer?
Lillith nods.
LILLITH
Yeah, as in Marla Singer.
MAY
Are youÖ?
LILLITH
A lesbian?
(beat)
Yeah.  That doesn't bother you, does it?
May shakes her head.
MAY
Oh not at all.  Jerry just never mentions anything about you.
Lillith puts down her book.
LILLITH
Yeah, we barely talk.
May nods.
MAY
I see.
(beat)
So when did you know.
LILLITH
Know what?  Oh that, hmmm, a couple years now.  I've been out since 10th
MAY
Really, what'd people say?
LILLITH
Not a lot really.  I got a lot of "I so knew that" and "we'll love you no matter what." I mean you always have the homophobes and yeah, I hate to think about it, but a couple of my friends stopped talking to me.  My best friend at the time included.
May sighs.
MAY
Oh, I'm sorryÖ
LILLITH
Don't be it's in the past.
May moves closer.
MAY
Well I know, but stillÖ
There is a small pause between them.
The bell rings.
MAY (CONT'D)
Well I have to head to class.  Can't be late again, Mr. Monroe, you know how he is.
LILLITH
Yeah, well it was cool talking, see you around.
MAY
See ya.
May leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL  AUDREY'S LOCKER  DAY
Audrey sets her bags in her locker and throws her backpack over her shoulder.  She turns around to see Leon standing there.
AUDREY
Oh, Leon, I didn't see you there
LEON
Haha, yeah it's my ninja skills.  They're tight.
AUDREY
Weirdo
LEON
Yet you still hang out with me, so I may be a weirdo, but what does that say about you?
Audrey laughs.
AUDREY
So what'd you need?
LEON
You know that test in Monroe's room?
AUDREY
Oh god don't remind me.
LEON
Yeah, that stupid thing.  Maybe Jerry, you, and me could study for it.  I dunno maybe it'd help.
AUDREY
Yeah, sounds like a good idea.
LEON
Coolio.
AUDREY
Yeah, so where do you want to study?  Your house, my house, Jerry's?
LEON
I was thinking more like the river bank.  It's a nice day out, you know.
AUDREY
Alright, so today after school.  What time?
LEON
Howabout around 3 or 3:30
AUDREY
Alright.
LEON
Oh and don't mention anything to Jerry, you know.
AUDREY
That you're trying to hook up with his girlfriend.  Don't worry about it.
(under her breathe)
You're only fooling yourself.
He heads off and Audrey shuts her locker.
CUT TO:
EXT. RIVERBANK  DAY
Jerry stands by the river bank, his pocket stuffed in his jacket, he looks around.
He pulls his hands out of his pocket and glances at his watch.  3:35
JERRY
He should be here by now, what gives.
He turns around to see Audrey standing there.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Oh hey, you're here?  You seen Leon?
AUDREY
No, I thought he was coming with you.
JERRY
He said he'd be coming with you.
Audrey sits down on the banks, she puts her backpack down beside her.  Jerry sits down beside her.
AUDREY
I guess we should get started.
Jerry pulls out his book.
JERRY
So what do you want to cover today?
AUDREY
Howabout we study the first two parts of the chapter today and the other two parts tomorrow?
JERRY
Sounds like a plan.
He looks over at Audrey.
AUDREY
Yeah?
Jerry quickly turns away.
JERRY
Oh nothing.
Audrey looks at him conspicuously, shakes her head, and goes back to studying.
AUDREY
You have any idea where Leon is.
JERRY
Not a clue.
Audrey sighs.  Jerry moves closer.
AUDREY
You know, at times I just don't get that guy.
JERRY
I don't think he gets himself.
Audrey laughs.
AUDREY
He is an odd little fellow.
JERRY
Yeah, how true.  Hard to imagine who'd date him.
(beat)
You wouldn't, would you?
AUDREY
Honestly?
JERRY
Sure, why not.
AUDREY
I could see myself going out with him, if I wasn't so sure he was a closet case.
Jerry looks at her.
JERRY
What, Leon?  I mean sure he's a bit faggy at times...
(beat)
No, wait, he's faggy most of the times.  But he's not a closet case.
(beat)
Wait, yeah, I think he is.
Audrey laughs.
AUDREY
I feel so accomplished, sitting here questioning our friends sexuality.
JERRY
Yeah, but hey he skipped out on us.
AUDREY
True, true.
(beat)
You know what?
JERRY
Yeah?
AUDREY
I'm thinking he planned for this to just be the two of us.
JERRY
What makes you say that.
AUDREY
Oh come on, don't you watch movies, or tv?  Or even read books.  It's a perfect example of a classic romantic device.  A friend sets two initially platonic friends up, in hopes they'll get together.
JERRY
Do you think his ingenious plan will work?
There is a moment when the two of them look at each other.
Audrey laughs.
AUDREY
I don't know what May would have to say about that.
JERRY
She'd murder me, I know it.
(beat)
And I have a feeling, most of my exes would bring a shovel.
He laughs.
JERRY (CONT'D)
So, out of curiosity, what kind of guys strikes your fancy?
AUDREY
Strikes my fancy?  Wow, you do hang around Leon way too much.
(beat)
You know I'm not really sure.  I mean I'd like someone whose casual, down to earth, of course sensitive, but also able to hold his own.  Someone who is outgoing and somewhat athletic as well.
(beat)
Someone that who I'm with, I don't feel like I have to impress with a facade, but someone who when I'm with him, everything simply seems, well perfect.
Jerry turns towards her.  She looks at him for a while then turns away.
AUDREY (CONT'D)
But every time it seems I've found this guy, he draws away.  Maybe I'm chasing just an idea.
JERRY
Or maybe you're simply not looking in the right place.
AUDREY
Perhaps there is no right place.
JERRY
Don't say that.
Jerry moves closer to her.  He stands up and takes a breath.  She stands up next to him.
He holds her hands in his.  She looks at him.
AUDREY
I've tried.
Jerry draws in for a kiss.  But instead he embraces her.
JERRY
There is a guy out there for you, I know that for a fact.  You'll find that guy who you take his breath away.  Who when you're with everything will seem, well perfect.
AUDREY
Thanks, that helped, wow, when did you get so emotional?
JERRY
Hey, I have a sensitive side too.
AUDREY
Yeah, and it's really sweet.  I like it.
Jerry looks content.
AUDREY (CONT'D)
Hey, sorry to ruin this little mood, but do you have the time?
Jerry looks at his watch.
JERRY
Yeah it's 6:30.
AUDREY
Oh yikes, I was suppose to be home an hour ago.
JERRY
Damns, and if your parents don't hate me enough.
AUDREY
They don't hate you, just don't like you that's all.
JERRY
They're loss.
Audrey laughs.
AUDREY
Yeah, yeah it is.  Well I gotta get going, byes.
She heads off.
Jerry gathers his stuff and throws his backpack over his shoulder.
He turns to go home and almost runs into Leon.
LEON
So, how'd it go.
CUT TO:
INT. LEON'S HOUSE - BASEMENT -- LATER
Leon and Jerry sit playing video games.
LEON
So what happened tonight?
Jerry looks at him.
JERRY
You set that up, didn't you?
LEON
Guilty.
(beat)
So how'd it work out?
JERRY
We didn't kiss, if that's what your alluding too.  I mean I have a girlfriend, and well it just wouldn't of felt right.
LEON
How incredibly noble, I'm impressed to say the least.  It seems so out of character for you.
JERRY
Yeah, well hey, I surprised even myself.
(beat)
So tomorrow, we'll try studying for the test at my house?
LEON
Aight.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM - DAY
Leon, May, Audrey and Jerry, holding a box of donuts, walk in.
The three look around his room.
Leon picks up a copy of "Pretty in Pink" lying on the bookshelf.
LEON
"Pretty in Pink"?  And you call me gay?
JERRY
Don't burn the classics, Mr.
"People's" magazine...
AUDREY
What?
LEON
Nothing, nothing.  "Pretty in Pink's" a great flick.
MAY
Anyway shouldn't we actually study?
AUDREY
I guess.
A few moments later they still stand around.
Jerry holds out the box of donuts.
JERRY
Donut?
Everyone takes one except Leon.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Leon, you want a donut?
LEON
I'm not really fond of donuts.
MAY
Really?
LEON
Actually I haven't had one in six years.
AUDREY
Sure...
JERRY
Why?
LEON
Ever seen "The Fly", the Cronenberg remake, not the original?
JERRY
No.
LEON
Well there's a scene with the main character, half mutated into a fly, grabs a jelly donut, pukes on it, and slurps it up.
(beat)
I get sick just thinking about the scene.  Great movie, by the way.
The others look disgusted and throw the donuts back in the box.
CUT TO:
INT. CLASS ROOM - DAY
In the class Leon, Audrey, and Jerry sit in the seats next to each others.
Leon pulls out a dog sculpture and a mini-radio.
Audrey and Jerry pass notes.
The teacher, MR. MONROE (35) talks to the class.
MR. MONROE
You have 30 minutes.  Beginning...
He looks at the clock, it hits 2:45.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
Now.
The students begin to furiously scribble down their answers.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
This test counts for half your grade...
He readies a coffee pot that sits on his desk.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
Oh, but Mr. Monroe that's not important.
(beat)
Wrong.
He takes a sip.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
It could mean a matter of life and death.
He takes a sip - the clock slowly ticks away.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
Well not death exactly but scholastic failure which will inevitably determine what college you go to, and how well you succeed.  If you fail this, you'll find yourself on a downward spiral.
He takes another sip.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
A fate worse then death.
He looks at the clock and takes another sip.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
You may laugh at me now, but I can guarantee at least a third of you will be pumping my gas in the next five years.
(beat)
A cruel thought, yes.  But true none the less.  You'll take some low paying job, "it's only to pay for tuition" but they don't.  You take another job - your studies fail.Am I getting through to any of you?  You drop out of college, continue that piss poor job, get married, have kids, and before you know it...
The clock hits 3:15 - the bell rings.
Jerry's pencil breaks.
Mr. Monroe takes his final sip sets his cup down.
MR. MONROE (CONT'D)
You're finished.
The class relaxes.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - LOCKER - DAY
Leon gathers stuff from his locker.
Jerry stands by him.
LEON
You and Audrey really should consider going out.
JERRY
I'd love to.
LEON
Then why don't you?
JERRY
Because she deserves better.
LEON
Well maybe if you tried a bit harder.
JERRY
Like what?
LEON
I don't know, write a poem or something.
JERRY
I'm not an artsy type.
LEON
Well, you could always "borrow" one from your sister.
JERRY
I'm not sure.
LEON
Trust me.
He closes the locker.
CUT TO:
INT. LILLITH'S ROOM  DAY
Leon and Jerry walk into her room.
JERRY
You son of a bitch, Leon, I don't know why you talked me into this.
LEON
You want Audrey, don't you?
JERRY
Well yeah.
Leon sorts through her things.
LEON
Here's something.
(beat)
Your soft lips pressed against mineÖ Hey, this is pretty hot.
Jerry looks on in horror.
LEON (CONT'D)
Your bodyÖ
JERRY
Stop reading that.
LEON
Hey look, there's pictures.
He turns to show Jerry.
JERRY
Oh shit.
LEON
I'm just fucking with you.
JERRY
Oh god, I'm going to be scarred for life.
(beat)
I'm going to be thinking of this poem every time I see my sister.
LEON
Sucks for you.
He stuffs the paper in his pocket.
JERRY
Well let's find some poems we can use and get out of here.
LEON
So what exactly is your sister into?
JERRY
Writing and girls for all I know.
LEON
It's strange how you can know someone for so longÖ
JERRY
No, no it isn't.
LEON
There's a lot of stuff you don't know about me.
JERRY
I doubt it.
Leon opens one of Lillith's closet.
LEON
I don't eat meat.
JERRY
I think you do.
Leon pauses.
LEON
How original...
JERRY
At least I'm not in denial.
Leon grabs a stack of papers.
LEON
I found them.
CUT TO:
EXT. AUDREY'S HOUSE - DAY
Jerry places the poem in the mailbox and leaves.
A couple of seconds later Audrey picks up the mail.  She opens it and smiles, then closes the envelope.
She heads back inside.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL WALL  DAY
Leon, Audrey, and Jerry lean against the wall.
AUDREY
I can't describe it.
LEON
How aboutÖ simply brilliant.
AUDREY
I know.
JERRY
They must really like you.
AUDREY
Yeah, she does.
JERRY
She?
Audrey pulls the poem out of her pocket.
AUDREY
Yeah, it's by Lillith.
JERRY
Son of a bitch.
AUDREY
What?
JERRY
Nothing, forget about it.
He leaves.
LEON
You do know he sent that poem, right?
AUDREY
Oh piss.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
Leon and May walk through the halls to class.
LEON
And love will prevail.
MAY
You're such a hopeless romantic.
LEON
No, I'm a comedian because I see the folly of my ways.
MAY
So love is a joke?
LEON
For most guys, yes.
(beat)
So how are things with you and Jerry?
MAY
Fine.
(beat)
Hey, you wouldn't be interested in coming to my art exhibit, it's for my senior project.
LEON
Sure.  What type?
MAY
It's a style I call "Surreal Post Neo Abstraction."
(beat)
The exhibits Saturday.
LEON
Sounds great.
CUT TO:
EXT. RIVERBANK  DAY
Jerry sits by the riverside.
Audrey walks up next to him.
AUDREY
What the fuck were you thinking?
JERRY
I don't know, I wasn't.
AUDREY
And why did you use you're sisters poetry?
JERRY
It was Leon's idea.
AUDREY
I really don't know what to say.
JERRY
(starts to read from another poem)
AUDREY
That's wonderful.
JERRY
And I find myselfÖ
He pulls out a piece of paper.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Longing for yourÖ
AUDREY
You're reading off her paper again, you cheap bastard.
JERRY
Come on.
(beat)
Well at least take this.
He hands her a note.
She turns it over.
AUDREY
It says her name right on the paper.
(beat)
I give up.
She leaves.
CUT TO:
INT.. LEON'S BASEMENT  DAY
LEON and JERRY sit playing video games.
LEON
So the poems didn't work?
JERRY
Well they did succeed in making her believe I'm an asshole.
LEON
You need to try something different, something original and grandiose.  I'll try to think of something.
JERRY
And anything you think of always ends up in disaster.
LEON
Yeah, but I need the laugh.
CUT TO:
INT.  CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
The store is nearly empty.  Humphrey's office door is closed.  Jerry runs a loaf of bread continuously through the register.  Hayden is fixated on a display.
HAYDEN
It's art, that's all I can say.
Jerry looks over.
JERRY
It's  just a fucking display.
CUT TO:
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A mini van pulls into the parking lot.  It pulls into a space.  A middle aged woman - Mariam - steps out.  She wears a black coat and has her hand shove into the pocket.
She pulls out a cigarette and lights it.
MARIAM
It's a quick job, I'm in and I'm out.  Whatever it takes.
She continues towards the store.
MARIAM (CONT'D)
Whatever it takes.
CUT TO:
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
Hayden continues to stare at the display.
HAYDEN
But it's crafted, so symmetrical, so.... so... so perfect.
Jerry shakes his head.
HAYDEN (CONT'D)
I'm a fucking artist.
Jerry chucks the loaf of bread at the display and it comes crashing down.
JERRY
You're a fucking moron.
Hayden bends over and begins re-stacking the display.
The bell rings on the door and Mariam enters the store.
Hayden looks up.
HAYDEN
Hello can we help you?
Mariam glances quickly around.
JERRY
Ma'am?
MARIAM
I, I, I...
She jets out a tattered bag.
MARIAM (CONT'D)
Money, I need money.
No one replies.
MARIAM (CONT'D)
I don't have a lot of time here, clocks ticking.  Open the register.
They continue to stare at her.
She pulls out a gun.
MARIAM (CONT'D)
I said open the register!
HAYDEN
Holy fuck!
She points the gun at him.  He hides behind the display.
MARIAM
Watch you're mouth, young man.  It's not very becoming.
Jerry opens the register.
JERRY
O.k O.k
The register rings, and Humphrey opens the office door and steps out with a clipboard in hand.
HUMPHREY
Is that money I hear coming to.
Mariam turns the gun on him.
HUMPHREY (CONT'D)
To... gaahhhh!
He chucks the clipboard and turns back around and shuts the door.  The lock is heard clicking.
Hayden mutters under his breath
HAYDEN
That dumb bastard.
Mariam holds out the bag and Jerry proceeds to put the money in.  She nervously glances around.
Jerry finishes filling the bag and she grabs it back, then leaves.
The two take a moment to regain their composure.
HAYDEN (CONT'D)
You alright?
Jerry jumps back a second.
JERRY
Yeah, I think so, you?
HAYDEN
Yeah, a little shaken, that's all.
Hayden turns to the office door.
HAYDEN (CONT'D)
It's alright to come out now.
The door is heard unlocking, and Humphrey nervously steps out.  He looks around.
HUMPHREY
That's coming out of your paycheck, Jerry.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S BASEMENT  DAY
Leon and Jerry sits on the couch.  They seem engaged in their game.  Jerry seems relatively still shaken from the robbery.  A 12 pack of coke sits at their feet.
LEON
An old woman.  I still can't believe it.  You're store got robbed by an old woman.  That's just, wow, just fucking wow.
Jerry takes a drink and chucks the empty can on the floor.
LEON (CONT'D)
Hey, don't throw that shit on my floor.
JERRY
Hey I could of died today, you know.
LEON
Cracker, please.
JERRY
Cracker, please, nothing.  I seriously could of died.
LEON
I doubt that.  And you're not dead now.  So don't flip out over the past.  What'd Audrey think if she saw you freaking out like this.
(beat)
That ain't how my crackaz roll.
He takes a sip of coke.
LEON (CONT'D)
Damn this stuff is good.  You know what'd be good right about now?
JERRY
No, what.
LEON
Hand me your cell.
(beat)
I feel like throwing a party.
JERRY
But this is my house!
LEON
I know.
He picks up a stereo remote and hits play.  "Tornado" by Mindless Self Indulgence begins playing.  He flips open the cell.
The next shot is of several people dancing and partying to music.  Among them are May and Audrey.
May seems thoroughly engaged in the party.
Jerry and Leon stand together, looking at the small crowd.
LEON (CONT'D)
Hey look there's Audrey.
JERRY
Yeah I see, what about her?
LEON
You know you want her.
Jerry looks at him and sighs.
LEON (CONT'D)
HEY AUDREY!
Audrey looks up and smiles.  She wanders over.
AUDREY
Jerry, party kicks, why'd you throw it?
Jerry motions to Leon.
JERRY
Leon threw it.
AUDREY
In your house?
Leon nods.
AUDREY (CONT'D)
Nice, Leon, nice.
(beat)
So what possessed you to throw it, anyhow?
LEON
When you need to throw a party, you need throw a party.  And hey, it's not every day your best friend dodges a bullet.
He looks over and motions to a crowd, as though he knows them.  He dances over.
AUDREY
What's he talking about?
JERRY
Oh it's nothing really.  Store got robbed today.  It's nothing really.
Audrey does a double take.
AUDREY
Oh my god, are you alright?
JERRY
Yeah, I'm fine.
Audrey sighs.
AUDREY
That's good, must have been freaky though.
Jerry laughs.
JERRY
Yeah, Humphrey just about pissed his pants.
Audrey laughs.
AUDREY
So I take it now, you're out living life to the fullest.
JERRY
Yes, living everyday as if it were my last.  Oh and trying not to piss off as many old ladies as possible.
In the background some guy runs by with a pair of pants.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Hey have you seen May around anywhere?
Audrey takes a quick glance around.
AUDREY
Sorry, can't say that I have.  By the way how've things been with you two.
JERRY
Alright, I guess.
AUDREY
Guessing is never a good thing.
JERRY
Ah trueÖ
AUDREY
I mean, uncertainty like that can mean you guess I falling outÖ
JERRY
That inspires confidenceÖ
AUDREY
I'm just saying
JERRY
Yeah, I know what your saying.  Still I just don't want to think about it.
AUDREY
Yeah, I can see why you wouldn't want to.  Do you really love her, or are you just afraid of being alone?
Pause.
JERRY
You know, I think I see May over there.
He starts to head over.
AUDREY
You are so fucking impossible, Jerry.
She turns around to see a guy standing there in boxers.
GUY IN BOXERS
You haven't happened to see a pair of pants around, have you?
Audrey looks at him.
AUDREY
No, but I saw a shirt body surfing a while back.
GUY IN BOXERS
Hahah, thanks for the info.
He starts to leave.
GUY IN BOXERS (CONT'D)
Wait, Audrey?  Audrey Greens?
AUDREY
Yeah, wait do I know you?
GUY IN BOXERS
Maybe, you probably don't remember me thoughÖ
AUDREY
I might, refresh my memory.
GUY IN BOXERS
Does the name Bestiality Ben ring any bells?
Audrey nods.
AUDREY
Holly shit, Bill Feins?
BEN
The same.
AUDREY
I love how you refer to yourself with such an unbecoming nickname.
BEN
Hey, it's a long sordid and rather humourous tale.  The nickname has nostalgia.
AUDREY
It makes you sound like an animal lover.
Ben laughs.
BEN
It's all anyone seems to remember me by now.  It's my curse.
AUDREY
It's your stupidity.  Are you still banned from that video store?
Ben looks around.
BEN
Oh burn.  No, surprisingly she quit.  Haha how was I suppose to know what the hell that flick was.  You know the story right, my friends told me to ask them if they had any bestiality films in stock.
AUDREY
Yeah I know the story, wow it's hard to believe it's been three years since that happened.
BEN
YeahÖ Hey this is going to sound kind of odd, given the circumstance, but would you like to go out sometime?
Pause.
AUDREY
UmmmÖ
BEN
For the record I didn't take my pants off willingly.  My shirt, that's another story.
(beat)
Allo.
AUDREY
You see the thing isÖ
BEN
The thing is what?
AUDREY
WellÖ
BEN
Ah, I see how it isÖ He starts to leave.
AUDREY
Ben, wait!
He stops and turns around.
AUDREY (CONT'D)
I guess one date couldn't hurt.
BEN
Yes!
AUDREY
Just remember to bring clothes.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM  DAY
Jerry sits on his bed, his homework scattered all over the place.  He picks up the cordless and dials.
CUT TO:
INT. MAY'S ROOM  DAY
May's room is a mess, we can see half written poetry and art attempts everywhere.
The phone rings.  And she picks up.
JERRY (O.S.)
Hey May, it's me Jerry.  Parents aren't home I was wondering if you wanted to come over
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM  CONTINUED
Jerry continues to talk.
MAY (O.S.)
I don't knowÖ I might be busy
JERRY
Come on, I haven't seen you all weekend.  Please, for me?
CUT TO:
INT. MAY'S HOUSE  DAY
May sighs and throws on a hoodie.
MAY
Alright, I can hang for about an hour.
JERRY (O.S.)
Thanks.
MAY
Hey do you know if Lillith is there?
JERRY
She should be why?
MAY
Oh no reason, she's cool to talk to, you know
JERRY
I guess.
She makes a hurried attempt to straighten her hair and heads out the door.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM  DAY
He puts down the phone and falls back on his bed.  He puts on some headphones and blares the music.
CUT TO:
EXT. JERRY'S HOUSE  DAY
May walks up the driveway, she's halfway to the door when she's met by Lillith.
LILLITH
We really need to talk.
MAY
Can it wait?
LILLITH
No, look, this is really important, please.
She starts to walk to the backyard and May follows.
MAY
Yeah, what's this about?
LILLITH
I really don't know how to say it, and I'm not sure if I can.  But I think I might be falling for you.
MAY
Come again?
LILLITH
This past week, just talking to you has been something else.  I can't describe it.  Every minute I'm not with you I feel nothing.  I feel empty.
MAY
Ummmm.
LILLITH
I know I'm coming on strong.  I don't even know your sexuality, I know.  But I can't help it.
MAY
But RainÖ
LILLITH
I broke up with her.
There's a slight pause.  May turns away.
LILLITH (CONT'D)
Oh god, I've made a mistake, haven't I?
May walks up and grabs her arms and looks her in the eyes.
MAY
No, you haven't.  I'm just surprised, that's all.
LILLITH
Really?
MAY
Really, I've never had someone take a chance with me.
Lillith smiles and they draw closer.  Lillith puts her arms around May.
MAY (CONT'D)
I have a confession to make, too.
LILLITH
Yeah
MAY
You know that girl I told you about the other day?  The one I said I think I was falling for, the one who I'm holding in my arms right now.
LILLITH
What about her
MAY
I'm completely in love with her.
They draw in for a long and impassioned kiss.  They draw away slowly.
LILLITH
How was that?
MAY
Perfect.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM  DAY
Jerry paces around his room, he keeps glancing at the phone.
JERRY
What could be keeping her?
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL  JERRY'S LOCKER
Jerry puts his books in his locker, Leon comes running down the halls and stops abruptly in front of him.
LEON
Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy-fucking-shit, you're not going to believe who asked Audrey out.
Jerry thinks on this for a while.
JERRY
Someone asked Audrey out?
LEON
That's what I said, but that's not the kicker, just guessÖ
JERRY
Hmm.
LEON
I'll give you a clueÖ
He starts to mock-hump the air.
Jerry turns away.
JERRY
Dear god, Leon, I know you're repressed but stillÖ
Leon stops.
LEON
Hey fuck you too.
JERRY
I feel the love.  So who asked her out.
Leon continues with the fake air humping.
LEON
Oh oh oh yes yes yes, you really are man's best friend.
JERRY
You are one weird fucker, Leon.  PETA would have kicked your ass for thatÖ
LEON
And, but did you get the hint?
JERRY
No, all I got was you fake orgasm like a girl and you might be into bestiality
(beat)
Wait, does this have anything to do with Bill Feins?
Leon nods.
LEON
Yes, yes it does.
JERRY
Bill Feins asked Audrey out?
LEON
Yes.  And you ready for the real kickerÖ
(beat)
She said yes.
CUT TO:
INT. BILLS HOUSE  DAY
A stereo blast a song in gusto as Bill Starts dancing around his house.
He prepares for his date with Audrey in a montage that plays to the rhythm of the song.
CUT TO:
INT. AUDREY'S HOUSE - EVENING
Audrey rushes to get ready.
AUDREY
Hey mom, have you seen my purse?
Her mom yells back from downstairs.
MRS.SHORE
Check the living room.
AUDREY
Thanks mom.
The doorbell rings.
AUDREY (CONT'D)
It's him, tell him to hold on a second.
Downstairs, Audrey's mom answers the door.
Bill Fines, looking well groomed, and dressed, stands at the door.
MRS.SHORE
Come in...
BILL
Bill.
MRS.SHORE
Bill, it's great to meet you.  Audrey seems so enthralled by you.
BILL
Enthralled, really?
Audrey's dad steps up behind Mrs. Shore.
MR.SHORE
Yes, and I'm curious to know why she's so taken to you.
He pulls out a flashlight and shines it on him.
Ben looks like a deer in the headlights.
He starts to laugh and puts away the flashlight.
MR.SHORE (CONT'D)
Hahaha, I'm just joking with you.
He walks up to Bill.
BILL
You had me there for a sec, Mr. Shore.
MR.SHORE
I did, didn't I. And please call me John.
(beat)
Yeah, but don't worry I'm not one of those dads.
BILL
That's good to know, John.
(beat)
And  don't worry I'm not one of those boyfriends.  The kind of guy who drives a bike, with his life story inked on his sleeve, and a spirit that urges with rebellion.
They laugh.
MR.SHORE
That's always good to know.
Audrey walks down the stairs.  She is absolutely stunning.
AUDREY
Whatever my parents say about me it's a lie.
MR.SHORE
Relax, Aud, I'm not going to tell any embarrassing stories, like that one time you...
AUDREY
Dad!
MR.SHORE
Relax.  I'm joking.
AUDREY
Yeah I know.
BILL
Well Audrey, I have to say, you look absolutely breathtaking.
MRS. SHORE
A romantic as well, well Audrey I have to say, he seems like quite the catch.
BILL
Well, I'm flattered.
MR.SHORE
Hey, you two kids should be heading out soon.  Have a great time.
They start to leave.
BILL
What time do you want her back.
MR.SHORE
It's a weekend so why not 12.
(beat)
And call if you're going to be late, o.k?
AUDREY
Alrights, love you guys.  See ya.
They walk to Bill's car.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM - EVENING
Jerry and Leon sit in his room.
JERRY
How can she be going out with Bill?
LEON
I have no clue.
JERRY
I mean it's Bill, you know.
LEON
Yeah, maybe she sees something in him.
JERRY
Or maybe she thinks she does.
LEON
Jealous?
Jerry sits on his bed.
JERRY
Is it that obvious.
Leon sits down next to him.
LEON
I could of never guessed.
CUT TO:
INT. LILLITH'S ROOM - EVENING - CONTINUOUS
May sits on Lillith's bed.
LILLITH
What's on your mind.
She looks at her.
MAY
Oh nothing, just thinking about how perfect you are.
She smiles and they kiss.
LILLITH
You did break up with Jerry, right?
There is a pause.
MAY
Oh that, yeah, he's cool.
LILLITH
That's wonderful to hear.
They fall back on the bed together embracing and kissing.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM - EVENING - CONTINUOUS
Jerry paces back and forth.
JERRY
Well it's Bill, right, he'll find a way to fuck up.
LEON
Relax, Jerry, relax.
JERRY
I can't, not knowing there's a chance the date might actually go well.
He stops pacing for a second.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Hold on, I'll be right back.
He leaves.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY  DAY
He walks towards Lillith's room.
He knocks on the door.
JERRY
Lillith?  You in there?
CUT TO:
INT. LILLITH'S ROOM - EVENING - CONTINUOUS
May and Lillith stop making out.
MAY
Oh shit.
Lillith looks at her.
LILLITH
You didn't, did you?
May sighs.
MAY
No, I'm so so sorry.  I'll break up with him soon.
JERRY (O.S.)
Alloz?
LILLITH
Give me a second.
She opens the door.
JERRY
You got a second?
He looks around, and sees someone laying on the bed.  He can't see who it is though.
LILLITH
Not at the moment, sorry.
JERRY
Sorry, didn't know you had someone over.
LILLITH
It's cool.
JERRY
Hey.
No response.
LILLITH
Don't worry about her, she's kind of shy.  New dyke, you know.
JERRY
Yeah, it's cool.
LILLITH
Yeah, she just broke up with her boyfriend, too.
JERRY
Ah well I won't keep you two.
He leaves and closes the door.
May sits up and takes a breath.
LILLITH
You need to break up with him.
She sits back down on the bed.
MAY
Yeah, I know.  And I'm going to.
An ackward pause.
LILLITH
I love you.
May smiles.
MAY
I love you, too.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM - EVENING - CONTINUOUS
He enters.  Leon is searching through his stuff.  He promptly stops.
LEON
So what'd you ask Lillith?
JERRY
Oh nothing, she had someone over.
LEON
Ah I say, who.
JERRY
I have no clue, some new chick.
LEON
What happened to Rain?
JERRY
Rain?
LEON
You know her last girlfriend.  The man hater.
JERRY
Oh right, her, I guess they broke up.
LEON
Good, she kind of freaked me out.
(beat)
So what were you going to ask her.
Jerry sits on his bed.
JERRY
Honestly, I just don't know.  I just need to know that the date won't go well.  That there's a chance she could fall for me.
LEON
Ah I see.  Well it's Bill, so I wouldn't worry about it.
JERRY
I'm trying.
He falls back on his bed.
CUT TO:
INT. LILLITH'S ROOM - MORNING
May suddenly awakes.  Lillith lies asleep next to her.
SHE LOOKS AT THE ALARM.  8:
MAY
Shit!
Lillith turns to her.
LILLITH
Morning.
She sits up.
LILLITH (CONT'D)
Wait, it's morning?
MRS. WRIGHT (O.S.)
Jerry, Lillith, you two need to get up.
LILLITH
O.K stay here for a sec.
MAY
Ok.
She opens the door and walks out.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM - MORNING - CONTINUOUS
Jerry awakes, and looks over to see Leon, fast asleep on a chair.
JERRY
Leon, wake up.  We must of dozed off.
LEON
Well, could you let me "doze back off" for a few more minutes.
JERRY
No, come on get up.
MRS. WRIGHT (O.S.)
Come on you two hurry up, days burning out.
The two of them get up.
LEON
Do you want to call Audrey?
JERRY
I would, but I don't have Bill's number.
LEON
Wow, you were really anticipating the worst, weren't you.
JERRY
Can you blame me.
LEON
Yeah, actually, yeah I can.
Jerry stops at his door, he turns around.
JERRY
Fuck you two Leon, fuck you two.
He closes the door.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S HOUSE - DOWNSTAIRS - MORNING
Lillith, and her mother sit at the table eating cereal.  Jerry and Leon wander downstairs.
MRS.WRIGHT
Well morning to both of you.
LEON
Morning.
He slumps down in a chair.  Picks up a section of the paper and starts reading.
MRS.WRIGHT
You didn't tell me you had company.
JERRY
You didn't ask.
He grabs a bowl.  And pours some cereal.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Leon, you want anything.
LEON
No, I'm good for now.  Not much of a breakfast person myself.
MRS.WRIGHT
Well you shouldn't skip meals, it isn't healthy.
LEON
On second thought, some cereal would be good.
He grabs Leon a bowl.
MRS.WRIGHT
Well next time you plan to have company in the morning, please tell me.  I like to have fair warning so I'm not stuck in my pjs in front of your friends.
JERRY
Yeah, alright, Leon hadn't planned to stay the night.  We just dozed off.
Lillith sits up.
LILLITH
I'll be right back.
She heads back upstairs.
CUT TO:
INT. LILLITH'S ROOM - MORNING - CONTINUOUS
The door opens and May gasp.
MAY
I can explain, I was just...
LILLITH
It's just me.
May breathes a sigh of relief.
MAY
Wait it's Sunday, isn't it?
LILLITH
Yes, yes it is.
MAY
Oh shit!
LILLITH
What?
MAY
My art show, it's today!
LILLITH
When today?
MAY
It starts at 9:30 or so, but I need to get ready, god I'm not going to have time to go home...
Lillith stops her for a second.
LILLITH
Hold on.
She goes to her closet.
LILLITH (CONT'D)
What are you looking to wear.
MAY
Something classy, with a tinge of pop culture.
LILLITH
Will this work?
She throws her some clothes.
MAY
Those are perfect.
LILLITH
What else do you need?
MAY
Shower would be nice.
LILLITH
Yeah it would be.
She looks at her and smiles.
She throws her a towel.
LILLITH (CONT'D)
Third door on the left.  And my toothbrush is the green one if you need to use it.
May start to leave.
MAY
Aren't you coming?
LILLITH
We've only started going out.  Sheesh, I'm a dyke, not a slut.
May laughs.
MAY
Yeah, true.
She leaves.
LILLITH
Oh and remember to lock the door, you don't want anyone walking in on you.
(beat)
I'll knock when it's ok to come out.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S HOUSE - DOWNSTAIRS - MORNING - CONTINUOUS
Jerry and Leon sit eating breakfast.  Mrs. Wright has left.
JERRY
So what do you plan to do today?
LEON
May's gallery is today, right?
There is a pause.
JERRY
Oh right, it is.
LEON
Well I'd promised her I'd check it out.  After I go home, get showered and dressed and all that good stuff.
(beat)
And you?
JERRY
I'll check the gallery out sometime, but I'll probably head to Audrey's to see how the date went.
LEON
Ah, I should of guessed.
Leon drops his spoon and they get up from the table.
He sits up and puts his bowl in the sink.
LEON (CONT'D)
Well I'm off.
JERRY
To see the wizard?
LEON
The wonderful wizard of oz.
(beat)
Damn, I am tired.  See ya, man.
He heads toward the door.  Jerry head upstairs.
On the staircase he runs into Lillith coming down the stairs.
LILLITH
Where you going.
JERRY
Shower.
LILLITH
Oh.
She continues to walk but suddenly stops.
LILLITH (CONT'D)
Wait, you can't.
JERRY
Why not?
She stops to think a moment.
LILLITH
Well there's this girl in there.
JERRY
Ah, so I'll wait for when she's done.
LILLITH
It's not that simple.  She absolutely loathes you.  She'd stop talking to me if she knew I was related.
JERRY
What'd I do?
LILLITH
I have no idea, perhaps you were just being you, I have no clue.
(beat)
Just please, go into your room and well stay there until I say it's cool.
JERRY
Come on now, she'll find out you're my sister either way.
LILLITH
Just not so soon.  Please.
JERRY
Alright, I owe you, this at least.
LILLITH
Thanks.
He heads upstairs.  She turns around and heads upstairs.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY  MORNING
Lillith walks past the bathroom door and knocks two times.
May opens the door.  She looks radiant, yet, theatrically sophisticated.
LILLITH
May, my god, you're radiant.
MAY
You're the one with the great taste in wardrobe.
LILLITH
Well hurry.  Jerry's in his room.  We can make it out of the house and then I can drive you to the show.
MAY
You're a lifesaver.
She kisses her.  They leave.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S ROOM - MORNING - CONTINUOUS
Jerry sits in wait.  He hears a car start and drive off, out his window.
He opens the door.
JERRY
Lillith?
No answer.  He shrugs and walks out the his room holding a towel over his shoulder.
CUT TO:
INT. LEON'S HOUSE - BASEMENT -- CONTINUOUS
Leon and Audrey sit in his basement.
LEON
So how'd the date with Bill go?
She sighs.
LEON (CONT'D)
That bad?
AUDREY
Horrible, just horrible.
LEON
What happened?
AUDREY
Nothing, a shitty movie, and the worst attempt of a "move" I've ever seen.
LEON
Wow.
AUDREY
Subtlety was not this guys strong point.  He hasn't changed a bit.  I just thought.
LEON
You thought that he may be withholding a sensitive side that you may be able to bring to light through love.  That there is more then one may think to him.
Audrey laughs.
AUDREY
Yeah, but he's not like that, not in the least.
LEON
Well Bill Feins is a what you see is what you get kind of guy.
AUDREY
And what you see simply isn't much at all.
LEON
True.
(beat)
But he asked you out, half drunk, at a party, and in boxers, what'd you expect.
AUDREY
Oh my god, you're right, well next guy who ask me out, I'll make sure he is wearing clothes.
LEON
That's always a good thing.
He sit up.
LEON (CONT'D)
Well I have to get heading to May's art gallery.
AUDREY
That's today?
LEON
Yeah, it is.
AUDREY
Mind if I come, I've always wanted to see her work.
(beat)
And well there's something I need to say to her.
LEON
Not at all.  It's coolio.
They walk out of the basement.
CUT TO:
INT.ART GALLERY - DAY
The room is crowded with spectators browsing May's work.
They look in fascination at rather horrid abstract works.
May admires her work.
Leon and Audrey walk into the room.
AUDREY
There's May, could you give us too a second.
LEON
Ooo cat fight.
AUDREY
You wish.  But please.
LEON
Yeah, sure, it's not a problem.
He heads off.
Audrey walks up behind May.
AUDREY
You may call your work abstract, but that still doesn't mean it sucks.
MAY
Fuck you.  What I do is art.
AUDREY
No, it's a travesty.  Any hack can snap a photo or scribble out a painting, it doesn't mean it's art.
MAY
I conveyÖ
AUDREY
What do you convey?  The suffrage of humans, the searching of truth- or any of that recycled bullshit that you don't give a fuck about?
MAY
This has something to do with Jerry doesn't it.
AUDREY
To get to the point: yeah.
MAY
You want him.
AUDREY
Yes I want him, I want to fuck his brains out.
(beat)
No, I don't feel that way about him.
MAY
Then you don't like me as his girlfriend?
AUDREY
He can do better.
MAY
The hell he can.
AUDREY
Bill told me about last week at the video store.
(beat)
You cheated on Jerry, with him, he told me.
MAY
No I don't.  And you believe him?
AUDREY
Yeah, you do.  And yeah, I do believe him.
MAY
I do not cheat.
AUDREY
I've seen you.  You're a user.
MAY
Only to get close with his sister.
AUDREY
See I knewÖ what?
May walks to another exhibit.
Audrey follows.
AUDREY (CONT'D)
Then why not just ask her?
MAY
This may sound a bit odd, but I actually do care enough about him not to do something like that to him
AUDREY
I'd hope so
MAY
But stay the fuck away from him.
AUDREY
We're just friends.
MAY
Oh and don't tell anyone what I told you.
AUDREY
Right, I wouldn't want Jerry to find out you're using him for his sister.
MAY
Thanks.
She turns to walk away.
MAY (CONT'D)
Are you guys sure your relationship is solely platonic?
AUDREY
If it wasn't I would have gone a long time ago.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY'S -- DAY
Jerry opens his locker, inside a note fall out.
JERRY
What the?
He opens it.
IT READS:
"Jerry, I think we should break up - May"
JERRY
Why?
He look to see a few other letters sitting on a pile.
He opens the top one, it reads:
"I just don't think we're right for each other."
JERRY (CONT'D)
Come on...
He picks up another one.
IT READS:
"Come on nothing, you're just too lazy"
JERRY
Alright...
He opens another.
IT READS:
"See..."
He folds the note and shoves it in his pocket.
He walks off.
CUT TO:
EXT. SCHOOL - DAY
Audrey and Jerry walk down the hall.
JERRY
Yeah, May and I broke up today.
He pulls out the waded up notes out of his pocket.
JERRY (CONT'D)
I have the notes to proves, man, I hate when people break up in notes, it's so shallow.
AUDREY
Oh that's to bad: did she say why?
JERRY
No, she didn't.  Hey would you like to grab a bite after school?
AUDREY
As a date?
JERRY
Why not?
AUDREY
I'm busy.
JERRY
Well why not, we're friends.
AUDREY
That's why.  I know you, let's face it, you're an asshole when it comes to relations.
JERRY
Well yeah, but look I really care about you.  And I'm getting better.
AUDREY
You just don't fair well.
JERRY
Ah yes, I'm the perennial fuck up, Audrey please.  What about being friends?
(beat)
With benefits?
AUDREY
As a friend I'm saying good luck finding another girlfriend.  As a possible date, I'm saying fuck off.
She starts to cross the street.
He tries to follow but is a line of cars blocks his path.
JERRY
Audrey, wait.  Dammit.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY  DAY
LEON and JERRY lean against two lockers.
LEON
So you broke up with May?
JERRY
No, she actuallyÖ
LEON
Came to her senses?
JERRY slams him against the wall.
JERRY
Piss off.
(beat)
That poem you wrote, that was about her, wasn't it?
LEON
I'm not going to say.
JERRY
Come on, Audrey already told me.  Looking back, it's obvious you hit on her every chance you got.
LEON
No I didn't.
May passes them.
LEON (CONT'D)
Hey.
Jerry slams him against the wall.
JERRY
Fucker.
LEON
What?  So, I actually give a damn about her.
(beat)
So you wanna fight?  Alright.
He takes a stance, Jerry watches him for a few moments.
JERRY
Take a shot.
Leon slaps him.
He looks puzzled, then punches him into a locker.  Leon lays still.
JERRY (CONT'D)
Leon?
No response.  He walks away after May.
JERRY (CONT'D)
May, wait up.
She turns around.
MAY
What.
JERRY
I need to talk.
MAY
You know we're over.
JERRY
Yeah, the past is the past.
MAY
Don't you mean yesterday?
JERRY
Yeah, sure.
MAY
What'd you want to talk about...
JERRY
I want to know...
Out of nowhere Leon tackles him, May jumps back.
They continue to beat each other up.
JERRY (CONT'D)
May...
He's slammed into a locker.
MAY
Yes?
He now has Leon in a headlock.
JERRY
I want to know...
They push past the doors to the pool.
MAY
You want to know?
JERRY
Why you broke up with me?
LEON
It was for me, wasn't it?
Jerry punches him into the pool.  He is pulled in, too.
They reemerge.
MAY
Guys, I left for Lillith.
A brief pause.  It's ended by Leon.
LEON
Nice.
Jerry punches him.  The screen goes black.
CUT TO:
EXT. SCHOOL WALL  DAY
Leon collapses against the wall.
Audrey stands next to him.
He nurses a bloody nose.
AUDREY
Where's Jerry.
LEON
I don't know or care for that matter.  Why the fuck did you tell him?
AUDREY
Tell him what.
LEON
About May?
AUDREY
I didn't.
LEON
Sure you didn't.  Then how'd he find out?
AUDREY
I don't know, maybe it was the fact you hit on her every chance you got.
LEON
Well it worked, didn't it?
AUDREY
That's a horrible thing to say.  And she didn't leave because of you.
LEON
Yeah, I know, you know why she left right...
AUDREY
Yeah, she left for Lillith.
LEON
I know.  How hot, right!
AUDREY
Perv.
LEON
I know.
AUDREY
You're such a typical guy.
LEON
Strong, hot, and sexy?
AUDREY
I said the typical guy; not your fantasies.
LEON
My fantasies are the typical guyÖ Audrey looks at him.
(beat)
I mean girl.
AUDREY
Sure they are.
She looks over.
AUDREY (CONT'D)
Well I have to go.  See ya.
LEON
Bye.  And hey, you should give Jerry a chance, he's a nice guy.
AUDREY
He does have a sweet side.
She starts to leave.
LEON
And he's hot.
AUDREY
What?
LEON
Just kidding.
AUDREY
Glad to see you still have a sense of humour.
(beat)
I've heard it's where truth is most often apparent.
LEON
Oh shut up.
She leaves.
He falls back against the wall.
CUT TO:
INT.  STORE - DAY
Jerry is in the middle of ringing a customer up, when he stops.
JERRY
You know, I've had it.
(beat)
I quit.
He starts to walk away and Humphrey stops him.
HUMPHREY
Well since your quitting, I guess you don't need this.
He hands him a pink slip.
JERRY
You're firing me?
HUMPHREY
No, I'm handing you this as a parting gift.  Of course I was going to fire you.  You beat me to the punch.
Jerry sighs and takes the slip and crams it into his pocket.
He exits the store.
CUT TO:
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
He sighs and starts walking, suddenly Steve comes out of nowhere and tackles him.
STEVE
I told you, I'd get you.
CUT TO:
INT. RIVERBANK - DAY
Jerry sits by it.
Audrey walks up to him.
AUDREY
Hey, I've been looking for you.
JERRY
What the fuck was I thinking?
(beat)
All relationships are doomed to fail.
AUDREY
Figures.
JERRY
What?
AUDREY
You're always pessimistic about this shit.
JERRY
Can you blame me?
AUDREY
Well what about marriage?
JERRY
You die.
She sits down next to him.
AUDREY
I know how you feel about me.
JERRY
So, it doesn't matter unless you feel the same way.  It doesn't matter that every time I see you, I'm reminded of how much I love you, and how I have to give it up because you don't feel the same way.
(beat)
Shit that sounded really cheesy.
Audrey laughs.
AUDREY
Yeah it did.
(beat)
The sentiment was nice, though.
JERRY
It still doesn't matter.
AUDREY
For me it doesn't, and as flattered as I am, it never will.  But, don't beat yourself up then bitch like a little pussy over one person.
(beat)
It's wonderful you went through all that just for me.
JERRY
And I'll probably go through it all again.
AUDREY
Well at least you're trying.
(beat)
Jerry, you're a great friend.
JERRY
I guess.
AUDREY
And I'm glad we have that.
They sit there a moment.
She stands up and leaves.
Jerry chucks a rock into the water.
He takes a breath.
JERRY
Fuck.
FADE OUT: