>F2Final Draft, Inc. Final Draftl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nt. DINER-day Two attractive girls in their 20s- NIKKI and ASH sit in a booth in a cheap dingy diner in LA. They look exhausted. Nikki plays with her hair while Ash watches VIVIAN sitting opposite them devouring her food noisily. She is in her late 60s with thick make-up and wears a tight black velour cat suit which clings to her lumpy frame. The girls have no food and stare pitifully at her overflowing plate. Vivian lunges at a passing WAITRESS. Vivian Hello, excuse me, helllllooo. Do you speak English? She turns to the girls and throws her hands up dramatically. VIVIAN I can never tell with the Asians The waitress opens her eyes wide in disgust as the girls look away in embarrassment. WAITRESS Im American. VIVIAN Yea and I come here for the culinary delights! She laughs hysterically at her own joke as Ash sinks under the table. Nikki mouths an apology at the waitress who is biting her cheek. VIVIAN Im not finding this club sandwich all that satisfactory. I was let down by the lack of chicken. Am i gonna get some sorta refund or voucher? WaITRESS But youve eaten nearly all of it. Vivians smirk changes into an ugly grimace. She lowers her sunglasses and wipes her mouth daintily. Ash and Nikki bow their heads preparing for her outburst. VIVIAN Are you aware of the phrase the customer is always right? IF YOU WANT ME TO CALL THE MANAGER AND HUMILIATE/ The waitress bends down to the table and speaks in a low voice. WAITRESS You tried this in here 2 weeks ago. So finish your food, pay your bill and dont come back. Vivian knows shes been busted and bites her tongue. She slurps her water noisily through her straw. Nikki and Ash smirk at each other. A cute little girl wearing a fairy costume dances in the aisle. She sings sweetly and the girls watch her in amusement. A sudden roar jolts them. ViVIAN HEY, HEY, EXCUSE ME, WE DONT DO THAT HERE, THATS A NO NO. [turning to the girls] Is she trying to give me a stroke? The diner falls silent and the child freezes in shock. She drops her fairy wand. Tears begin to form in her big brown eyes. Ash covers her face with a napkin. She cant bear to look. VIVIAN (CONTD) YOU NEED TO PLAY QUIETLY OR NOT AT ALL. THIS IS A PUB-LIC ARREEAAA. 000200000A73000008B9A6D,The kid bursts into tears and everyone stares at Vivian who continues talking nosily with her mouth full. VIVIAN So many people ask me why Ive never had children because I would make an excellent mother/ Ash Yes, youve clearly demonstrated that. ViVIAN /and I tell them its because of my problem Vivian knocks over her water which soaks Nikkis lap. Vivian doesnt even acknowledge it. Ash [under her breath] That youre a freaking nut case? VivIAN I love too much, I just spend all my time giving and comforting, I would have no time for myself. The sobbing child is led away by her mother who stares evilly at their table. Nikki holds her head in her hands. Vivian finishes her food and belches loudly. ViVIAN I gotta use the little girls room. Oh and by the way Nikki, you got a zit right there. [Points at her head] you may wanna get some make up on that. [Whispering] its pretty gross. She squeezes out of the booth and waddles hurriedly to the toilet. She has food all over her face and crumbs on her top. She passes the counter and checks if anyone is looking. She grabs a handful of sugar sachets and stuffs them down her top. The girls are dumbstruck. Nikki Excellent mother! Ash Yea, youd put her photo on the mantle piece to keep the kids from the fire. NikkI Ash I cant take this, Im going mad. Nikki shakes her head and looks out the window. Vivian is scuttling across she carpark. NiKKI Oh. My. God. Shes only gone and sneaked out. Did she climb out a window? AsH I don't think they make bathroom windows in her size. Ash spots an emergency exit sign beside the toilets. She shakes her head and rubs her eyes wearily. Ash (cONTD) That absolute swamp donkey. The waitress arrives over with the bill. The girls look at each other and reluctantly take out their cash. Ash (V.O.) Youre probably wondering what a couple of Irish girls are doing in a dingy diner in LA, and to be honest so am I, but it wasnt meant to be like this. Nikki and Ash stick their faces up against the window looking at Vivian in disbelief. They look miserable. AsH (V.O.) You see, we won this script writing competition and our prize was a 1st class trip to Hollywood to pitch our movie to a major studio with $1000 spending money to boot. Close up of the girls looking absolutely furious. ASH (V.O.) That was the plan, but it didnt exactly turn out like that. And if you think things are bad now, just wait. It only gets worse. CUT TO: Ext. DINER-day The girls walk over to the car where Vivian is reapplying her 6th coat of make-up. Nikki knocks on the window. Nikki Eh, Vivian, did you forget anything? VIVIAN Well, I wiped front to back if that's what you mean. 000200000B0A00001326B04,NIKKI The bill, you didnt pay your bill. ViVIAN Oh, did you girls pay it for me? Thats so sweet of you, but I guess you owe it to me seeing as I am putting a roof over your heads. Oh by the way Ashley, Pooky had a doo doo on the back seat so you better clean that up. The dog- a mangy little runt, looks very pleased with himself. He jumps out and proceeds to piss against Nikkis boot. Nikki shrieks. NiKKI My new boots, you little bastard! VivIAN Oh how sweet, pooky wooky. Come to mama little darling. She opens the door and the dog jumps into her lap. VIVIAN Nikki, I dont want you in the car with urine on your hooker boots. Youll have to wait till it dries. Nikki wipes her boot with a napkin. Vivian sits in the car kissing the dog intimately. Ash stares at her in disgust. NIKKI 300 euro boots. How many more days? AsH 11. NiKKI Jesus. AsH Jesus couldnt last that long. CUT TO: 3 weeks to where it all began in Dublin. The girls each make their own way to the airport. Ash is in a taxi and has maps, tickets, booking details and her passport filed meticulously. She rechecks everything. Nikki is running through the rain in high heels carrying four bags and dragging a huge case. As she totters along, a heel comes off her shoe. She stops to try and fix it and the taxi that Ash is in drives past and splashes her. Ash glances back and winces. CUT TO: Nikki is on the bus which is full of Japanese men. She changes out of her clothes awkwardly. The passengers on the bus are staring. The driver looks at her in his rear view mirror. He breaks suddenly denting the car in front of him. Nikki stumbles wildly down the aisle ripping her top off on the way. The passengers clap in delight, taking photographs and bowing graciously. CUT TO: int. Dublin airport-day Nikki and Ash meet in the departure lounge. Ash has a small designer bag and hand luggage. Nikki has a trolley stacked full of colorful luggage and carries several smaller bags. Ash looks at her suspiciously. AsH Are you emigrating? NiKKI What? Oh the bags, yea I went a bit overboard there. I have two bags for clothes, One bag for shoes and boots and one bag for belts and bags. Ash Does Elton John know you have his luggage? Whats the one on your back? NiKKI Thats my jacket bag. Ive 17 jackets. Just in case. Ash In case of what, a jacket famine? Cmon, check in area H. The girls push their trolleys to the check in desk. There is no queue, but 6 check points on the way to the desk. As they saunter straight up to the desk, FOUR SECURITY MEN jump out and push them back. Security man 1 Ma'am, Ma'am, Step away from the desk. Back up real slow, real slow. NiKKI Uh, were just trying to check in/ SeCURITY MAN 1 Ma'am please, only speak when youre spoken to. We have a large crowd to deal with and we cant afford any interruptions. 0002000007B800001E2A7B2,The girls look behind them and see that they are the only people in the queue. One of the security officers paces up and down. He holds a big gun and caresses it tenderly. NIKKI We have to check in for flight/ SeCURITY MAN 1 Flight delta 8559 to Los Angeles, leaving at 11.10 a.m. Check in for this flight will commence at 0800. The time now is 0758.37. The girls stare at him blankly and roll their eyes. Nikki examines her nails. Ash nods at another security man. AsH He looks like hes about to get it on with that thing. NiKKI Its nice to finally see a man thats satisfied with his equipment. The girls double over laughing and the MAN WITH THE GUN approaches them. Man with the gun Excuse me ladies, have you got a problem with my weapon. AsH No, no I was just saying to my friend here, its not the size that matters, its how you use it. They break up laughing again. The security officers exchange glances and approach Ash quickly. SECURITY MAN 1 Could you come with me please Ma'am? He takes Ash by the elbow and begins to escort her away. Ash What did I do? Nikki? What did I say? CUT TO: Int. Interrogation room-day Ash sits in a chair with fluffy handcuffs on her wrists. TWO MEN in suits sit opposite her. AsH And then she said it was nice to see a man that was satisfied with his own equipment. It was a joke, we were just excited. Al [southern drawl) Excited by the weapon? AsH No, excited because were going away. Im sorry I looked at his equipment. We just dont usually see many that big. AL Maam could you stop making reference to sizes. Poor Ed here has a terrible time in the locker room. ED shifts uncomfortably in his seat and covers his crotch with a folder. Ed Al! AL You know its true Ed. Why only yesterday, Davy Collins said he shit nuggets bigger than your balls/ AsH Im..talking about..the gun. AL Oh. ASH Are these really necessary? {Shakes handcuffs} Al Hey, Ed bought those specially, said theyd be softer for the ladies. 0002000006F3000025DC6ED,ASH Well, thank you Ed, theyre, theyre lovely. Please, please let me on the flight, this trip could change my life. Al Well. I aint got much to hold you on and I never could say no to a pretty lady. Go on then. He removes her handcuffs and they both stand up and see her out. She walks out the door and then comes back and looks at Eds crotch area. AsH Its not that bad. Ed smiles bashfully as she runs out the door and races to the gate where she sees Nikki pacing up and down and biting her nails. NikkI Oh thank god, I thought it was all over/ AsH Nikki, youre shaking, dont worry Im fine, they said I could fly/ Nikki sits down heavily in the plastic seating. Nikki Im terrified of flying. I thought I brought my pills but I picked up the wrong ones. Ive brought my dads Viagra. Ash Well, put it in the engine and itll keep the plane up! Nikkis face crumples and she starts to sob. AsH OK, bad joke. What about a few drinks, that should knock you out. NikkI Ill try anything, Im sorry I should have warned you but I thought Id have the pills. AsH Its fine, dont worry about it. We get free drinks in first class and youll be able to stretch out and sleep all the way. Nikkis face brightens and she stops sobbing. She cleans up her face and takes a few deep breaths. She smiles weakly at Ash. AsH You wont even know youre on a plane. CUT TO: int. Airplane-day Ash and Nikki stand at the back of the small rickety plane beside the last row of seats. Nikkis lip quivers violently. A small obese black STEWARDESS stands in front of them blocking up the aisle. Children run up and down screaming. Parents roar at their kids. Its absolute chaos. A food fight breaks out between a group of scouts. Ash and Nikki get pelted with crisps and candy. 0002000006F300002CC96ED,Stewardess Nope, these are definitely the seats. First class is full and these were the ones that were requested. ASH You see miss, my friend is a very nervous flyer and we were told we had first class seats/ STEWARDESS Well then you have the best seats in the house cause I sit in between both of you! And I can talk non-stop for like 8 hours. Nikki starts to weep hysterically. AsH You sit between us? StEWARDESS Yep, we have so many attendants on this flight what with air marshals and such that we have to use passenger seats. We will have the most awesome time. Can you help me? I can never reach these things. She fumbles with the baggage compartment but cant reach. Ash closes it for her and sits down silently. Nikki stands biting her fingers looking like a lost child. NiKKI How come were not in first class? Ash Its all booked up. Im sure Randy will be really embarrassed. Hell probably give us the money for it. Nikki sits down reluctantly and pulls her seat belt on tightly. She clutches Ashs arm until her knuckles turn white. A child runs screaming down the aisle. Nikki digs her nails into Ashs arm. Ash grits her teeth. AsH Honey, youre hurting me. NikkI I know, Im just psyching myself up. Ash Were not going to take off for about 40 minutes. So whats Randys second name? NikkI Spandex. ASH His name is Randy Spandex? Youre kidding me? Sounds like a brand of underwear. Randy Spandex. Theyre all nuts in Hollywood arent they? Nikki? Nikki has gone green and starts to hyperventilate. A LADY in her forties leans over from the opposite seat and smiles. Lady Is she nervous? Is this her first time? You know theres really nothing to be frightened about. I love flying. I meditate every day so I think in a way my spirit is always flying/ 000200000864000033B685E,NikkI If you dont stop talking Im going to scream. The lady curls her lip and turns her back on the girls. Ash beckons the stewardess over hastily. AsH I know we havent taken off yet but could you please get us some drinks? Maybe a whiskey or two? STEWARDESS You crazy Irish kids, always with the whiskey. AsH Well, well start with that and [looking at Nikki} quite possibly work our way through the entire drinks cart. The stewardess comes back with 4 mini bottles. STEWARDESS Theyre $8 each. Ash grimaces. The engine revs up and Nikki starts whimpering. AsH Can you just start a tab for me? CUT TO: 6 hours later. The stewardess sits in between them. They are all trashed. The stewardess has sweated through her polyester top and is soaking wet. She practically sits on top of the girls. They all slur their words. NikkI Polyester is fashion purgatory. STEWARDESS Hello, I have to change like 6 times a day. But.. its not just the material. You may not have noticed but [whispering] Im carrying a little excess baggage AsH No! STEWARDESS [nodding dumbly] Technically Im morbidly obese. They said that a job like this would keep me active and I would lose a whole tonne of weight. NiKKI Did it work? StEWARDESS No, I eat all the spare dinners. There were 8 extra dinners on this flight and I ate em all. Im a monster. NikkI No, youre beautiful. Inner beauty {taps her nose] thats all that matters. STEWARDESS You can say that, youre gorgeous. NIKKI I am? Ash throws her eyes up to heaven. Shes not as drunk as them. STEWARDESS Youre the most beautiful person Ive ever seen in real life. Nikki wafts her face. Tears are threatening. Ash cannot believe what shes hearing. NIKKI Thats the nicest thing anyones ever said to me. I love you Doris. STEWARDESS I love you too. She pulls the girls tightly into her huge bosom. Ash gags on the sweaty polyester. ASH [choking] Doris, Doris! CuT TO: int. Atlanta airport-day Ash and Nikki sit on plastic chairs opposite a donut stand called Blobbys. They both look awful. Nikki rubs her temples while Ash hangs her head. A WOMAN looks at Ash and then walks hurriedly over. 0002000006DE00003C146D8,Irish woman Aisling Delany! God almighty its a small world. Holy Mary and the saints, you look dreadful. Are u alright? Travel sick? You poor dote, wait there and Ill get you a cup of tea. She takes out a flask and a cling filmed plate of biscuits. Ash looks at her in utter confusion. NIKKI Whos that? ASH I havent a rashers. The woman unwraps the plate of biscuits and shoves them under Ashs nose. IRISH WOMAN They call them cooookies here. Isnt that brilliant! Coookies! The woman cracks up while Ash smiles shyly. She takes the tea and munches slowly on a biscuit. An announcement comes across the PA system. IRISH WOMAN Jesus wept, theyre calling my flight, have to go, hows your brother getting on with his course? AsH Tom? Toms in Cyprus with some bird he met 2 weeks ago. You know Tom! He loves the ladies. She sips her tea then realization hits. IrISH WOMAN Well, Ill be sure to mention it to Catherine. The woman grabs her flask and biscuits then storms off. Ash sits slowly. NIKKI Whos Catherine? AsH My brothers fiance. I thought they broke up! As the girls endure their hangover, a welcome home parade for the troops comes their way. Everyone in their area stands up to clap and cheer. The troops in their uniform wave to the crowd. They are led by a sergeant holding the American flag. Everyone around them starts to chant USA, USA ASH Ugh, Im gonna be sick. NiKKI Madness, isnt it. AsH No, seriously/ She jumps off the seat, stumbling across to the toilet. Shes so dizzy she staggers right into the flag man. She can feel it coming up and grabs the first thing she can-the flag. She pukes her guts up into the flag. The parade freezes. The crowd go silent. An elderly lady faints. Ash continues to retch and vomit. 000200000BA8000042ECBA2,NikkI Oh. sweet. divine. Jesus. A child bursts into agonized sobs. Child Mommy, why is she doing that to our flag? The mother covers her childs eyes and leads him away hastily. Eventually Ash stops puking and stands up. She has vomit dripping from her mouth. She leans over to the flag man and takes what she thinks is a towel. AsH Just gonna borrow this, thanks. The flag-mans lip quivers as she wipes her mouth with a soft hat. Flag man That was my best friends hat. AsH Oh sorry about that. Eh, good work out there. You made us all..very..proud. She pats him on the shoulder and backs up making thumbs up signs to the troops. She ambles up to Nikki. AsH Phew, that could have been embarrassing. She pushes past Nikki into the toilet. Nikki is frozen to the spot with her mouth open as the entire silent airport stares at her. She smiles awkwardly. CUT TO: int. INTERROGATION ROOM-night Ash sits at a desk with an OFFICER facing her. She sips a cup of coffee. AsH I have no explanation. I just..I dont know how it happened. I definitely didn't plan it that way. Officer You planned it?! AsH No! I mean, I planned to get to the bathroom before the parade thing went past. OFFICER So the desecration of our National flag was an accident? ASH Absolutely, without doubt, Im a huge fan of the flag. I love the..colors and..the stars. Ash shakes her head. She cant believe the her situation. She holds up a biscuit. AsH We call these biscuits. OFFICER Do you think Im an idiot! I know what they are. Are you trying to mess with me? He slams his fist down on the table breaking the cookie into dust. AsH No sir, I thought..I thought you called them cookies. CUT TO: Int. Lax-night Ash and Nikki are exhausted but relieved to finally be in LA. They go to pick up their baggage in arrivals and wait for their limo. They look like absolute bums with hair and make-up everywhere. Ash has vomit stains on her sweater. An older woman, Vivian- approaches. She is made up to the eye-balls and has clearly had a lot of surgery. Shes overweight and wearing sun-glasses. She smiles sweetly, lipstick smeared all over her teeth. Ash winces. VIVIAN Are you Nikki and Ashley? ASH Just Ash, not Ashley. NikkI Yea, hi are you a friend of Randys? Its such a relief to finally/ Nikki moves to hug Vivian. Vivian shrugs her off and looks as if shes about to spit. VIVIAN Friend? Im the bastards ex-wife. Youre staying with me. Take your bags cause I aint carrying them. [Looking at Nikkis luggage] Looks like you robbed a god damn kindergarten. AsH Uh, I thought we were staying in a hotel. The Beverly Hills. VIVIAN What are you, nuts? Who the hells gonna pay for that. AsH Randy said/ ViVIAN Hes giving me $400 to put you two up, and Ive already spent that on medication so just get in the car. I havent eaten in over an hour and I get cranky when I dont eat. As she waddles hurriedly to the car, the girls exchange a quick look of uncertainty. CUT TO: Ext. lax-night 0002000008A800004E8E8A2,They exit the airport and see a scrap heap of a car parked in the middle of the road with a huge queue building up behind it. It has its hazard lights on and a small dog is barking wildly in it. A COP stands beside the car writing a ticket. Ash and Nikki struggle to push the trolley full of luggage. VIVIAN Dont even think about it sonny, I had no choice, Im handicapped. The cop looks her up and down and clearly sees no handicap. Cop Ma'am there are disabled parking facilities provided. VIVIAN Well, I couldnt see my dog from there. Get in the car girls. She picks up Nikkis luggage and fires it into the trunk. Nikki bites her lip as she watches her luggage being brutally hurled around. We hear items being broken inside the cases. The cop watches with an eyebrow raised. CoP Im going to have to give you this ticket. ViVIAN Sue me! Vivian gets in the car and tears off. The girls put their seat belts on hurriedly. They look shaken. She weaves around parked cars, nearly running over pedestrians. VivIAN Im supposed to be finishing my screenplay and now Im stuck with you two. Well thanks a lot. She swerves violently in and out of traffic. The dog flies around the car. Nikki blesses herself. AsH But we/ VIVIAN /Well youre gonna earn your keep, thats for sure, no such thing as a free lunch in this town. ASH I take it the $1000 spending money isn't gonna happen. ViVIAN Where are you getting this stuff? Has she been drinking? The girls sit back in their seats. The dog watches them from the front. It cocks its leg and pisses all over the seat. The girls recoil in disgust. VIVIAN Oh pooky how sweet! He pees when hes excited. NiKKI [WHISPERING] Were not really staying with her are we. AsH No. (beat) maybe just for the night. CuT TO: ext. mini market-night. Vivian screeches into the disabled space in the carpark and waddles out of the car. The girls follow reluctantly into the store. CUT TO: Int. mini Market-night Its like a bomb shelter. Its grotty and dingy with only a limited supply of groceries. A scrawny MAN in a mickey mouse jacket and bare feet eats sweets from the pick n mix counter. He spits back the ones he doesnt like. He waves at them when they walk in. 00020000070900005730703,Vivian This place is wonderful. Such a celebrity hot spot. Ash You dont say. The shelves are covered in a sticky film from leaking jars and containers. The girls pull their arms in tight. A puddle of what looks like congealed blood covers the floor. Nikki grabs Ashs arm and they inch their way around it. Vivian picks up food and throws it back at them to hold. ViVIAN I dont have anything at the apartment so get what you like. Ash picks up a box of cereal. Vivian snatches it off her. ViVIAN Are you crazy? Do you know how bad this stuff is for you? Uh uh, get something else. Ash scans the shelves and picks up a box of healthy bran cereal. VivIAN What and have you crapping every 5 minutes? No, I dont think so. They get to the vegetable section and Vivian picks up a carrot and sniffs it dramatically. VivIAN These are incredible. Do you have these in Ireland? Nikki (best) yea. She picks up a cucumber VivIAN I bet you dont have these! Ash Yes, theyre very popular in convents. Vivian ignores her and hands them protein shakes and omega fish bars. She suddenly stops dead. VIVIAN Turkey bacon. Ash Beg your pardon. VivIAN I gotta have my turkey bacon. Go find me some. The girls edge their way to the bacon section and search thoroughly. They grab a few packs and bring them back to her. VivIAN 98 cents! Why dont you just mug me already! She grabs a passing ASSISTANT roughly. ViVIAN What the hells going on, these were 96 cents last Tuesday. Assistant. Inflation. VivIAN Well Im gonna write a very strongly worded letter to this establishment, you hear me. Im not kidding you know! She storms off to the checkout. The girls walk after her arms full of food. They have bought nothing for themselves and look miserably at the stuff they bag up. The total comes to $73. 000200000E2E00005E33E28,NikkI Heres $20 for our stuff. VivIAN So, what, you come to my house and you wont even pay for the groceries. Uh uh. She walks off leaving the girls to pay. They climb into the car sullenly. Vivian sits in the passenger seat. Suddenly the scary looking guy from the store jumps into the drivers seat. The girls get a fright. He turns around and fires some business cards at them. They say Frank becks, producer. Frank I hear youve taken my bed. Thanks a lot. CUT TO: Int. Vivians apartment-night The girls stand in the doorway of Vivians squalid dank apartment. Pictures of Vivian adorn the walls. Its an open plan living room/kitchen. Its cluttered with rubbish and there are stains all over the carpet. Nikki struggles with all her luggage. They are reluctant to walk in. Ash Ill just throw my stuff in my room. VIVIAN Go nuts, youre standing in it. They see a tattered old sofa covered in dog hair. Nikkis lip is trembling. NiKKI Where do I sleep? Vivian surges over and lugs at the couch. A dusty single bed with holes in the mattress creaks out. VivIAN Its a sofa bed. Figure it out dummy. Ash [sarcastically] Super. So is there a mcdonalds or anything nearby? FRANK Best thing to do is head down to the beach round 12.40, Maybe tear some holes in your jeans, dirty yourselves up a bit/ ASH Sorry there Frank, whats the name of this restaurant? FrANK Its the food line for the bums. I eat there every day. Pretty good too. NIKKI But (beat) isnt that really just for the homeless people? Frank looks around in surprise FRANK Oh yeah, I completely forgot about my ten thousand square foot mansion in the Hamptons. Jesus, and here I was sleeping in some old bitchs car with a kids sleeping bag! Vivian glances overs disapprovingly. NIKKI [WHISPERING] Sorry. FRANK Idiot. [Walking toward Ash] Another good place is a set. Youll come across a movie set almost every day here so just pretend youre a runner and help yourself at the catering van. VIVIAN Oh we had the most wonderful chilli at that last set over on Montana. Pooky was crapping for 2 whole days. He almost had a path worn across the carpet. The girls reluctantly look at the long brown skid-mark on the carpet. Vivian walks over to the balcony door and slides it back. The balcony is cluttered with trash. There are newspapers all over the ground with puddles of urine and small mountains of turds. VIVIAN (CONTD) This is where Pooky makes his evacutions. Sometimes he takes the initiative and goes by himself but most of the time he has to be gently nudged. My poor Pooky. He needs an operation on his legs or hell never walk again. NIKKI Oh my God thats awful. Is there anything you can do? VIVIAN Sure I can have him operated on but itll cost ten thousand dollars so unless you have it.. NIKKI Aw poor little thing. Vivian gazes blankly at Nikki VIVIAN Well? NIKKI Well what? VIVIAN Do you have ten thousand dollars? NikkI No, Im on the dole. VIVIAN [rolling eyes] Oh for crying out loud. NIKKI I might have fifty dollars I could put toward/ Vivian shoves out her hand clicking her fingers. Nikki reluctantly hands over the money. Ash rolls her eyes. Vivian stuffs the money down her top. VIVIAN Oh and [pointing] bathrooms in there beside Marlas room. ash Marla? VivIAN My soon to be ex tenant. Her last cheque bounced. I dont even wanna get into it right now. Frank enters and opens a tiny cupboard. He has a small selection of clothes and items in there. He takes out a razor and goes into the bathroom. A pretty Mexican looking girl-REMMY walks in. Shes mid 20s with long dark hair. She knocks gently on the door. 00020000075600006C5B750,VIVIAN Remmy, Hi! REMMY Hey Vivian, is Frank around? Nikki bounds over with her arm extended, clearly delighted to see someone her age. NiKKI Hey, Im Nikki and thats Ash, were just over from Ireland. Remmy has a permanent dumb smile and a blank expression, in other words, the lights are on but theres nobody home. She speaks very slowly. REMMY Wow, Ireland, awesome. (beat) wheres that? Nikki Its uh, a small country beside Britain. ReMMY [nodding dumbly] Who? Remmys POV- She looks at Nikki dumbly. Her lips move but all we hear is the song in Remmys head - Smurfs theme tune-la la la la la la etc. Remmy bobs her head to the music. Nikki pauses then repeats her question louder snapping Remmy out of her trance. NikkI So what do you do? ReMMY [nodding] Im an actress. NikkI Wow, fantastic. What have you been in? RemMY Oh nothing yet but Frank said hed get me some work now that Ive got my green card. NiKKI Right OK. Well youre English is really good, Im sure youll get a part in no time. RemmY But I only speak English. Theres an awkward silence. Ash scratches her head. Nikki unpacks her luggage. nIKKI Franks in the bathroom at the moment. Remmy stands outside the bathroom door and chats to Frank (o.c) The girls wander into the kitchen where Vivian has a double bed and a desk with a computer on it. Vivian glares at them. VIVIAN I didnt ask you to come into my office. The girls take a step back. ViVIAN (CONTD) Now youre in my bedroom. Why dont you go in the kitchen. They take three steps forward and are in the tiny filthy kitchen. There is dog turd on the floor. Bits of food are scattered everywhere. The walls have a thick slime of grease on them. VivIAN I gotta take a shit. She barges out. Ash opens the fridge. Its full of mouldy decayed food and jars of pickles. She picks up a glass bottle of milk which has solidified. AsH 00020000087F000073AB879,Martha Stewart eat your heart out. CUT TO: InT. corridor-night. Vivian stands with her legs crossed looking blankly at Remmy who is outside the bathroom door. Remmy plays with her hair absentmindedly. VIVIAN Whats he doing in there? REMMY Having a shower. He can only pray in the shower because its hallowed ground. VIVIAN Christ. Well tell him I gotta take a dump right now. REMMY Frank? Vivian has to take a dump. VivIAN Its falling out of me. I can feel it slipping down my leg already. REMMY She can feel it slipping down her leg. Frank (O.C.) Well, come in and take a dump, I dont care. VIVIAN Im not going with him in there. REMMY She said shes not going with you in there. Frank Im in the shower, I cant see anything. ReMMY He says/ Vivian pushes past her into the bathroom. We hear the sound of diarrhea splattering the toilet bowl. Frank (O.C.) Jesus, was that the dog? CuT TO: Int. Bathroom-night Vivian sits on the toilet seat, breathing heavily after her mammoth task. She turns to the toilet roll holder which is empty. VIVIAN Shit. She spies Franks towel hanging over the edge of the shower. She thinks about it for a moment and then gently pulls it down. Frank is muttering his prayers as Vivian uses his towel. We hear a flush as the towel is carefully replaced. The shower turns off. Frank Oh my fuck! you fucking demented bitch, I cant believe you, theres shit all over this fucking.. VIVIAN [murmuring] Call me an old bitch will ye. CUT TO: Int. VIVIANS APARTMENT-day The girls awake to the sound of furious tapping. Vivian is on her computer. They sleep tops and tails in the sofa bed. They see a blue sky outside. It lifts their mood a bit. NikkI Aw, Ive been dying for some sunshine. AsH Its nice alright. Been 6 months since I wore a T-shirt Ill just give Randy a call. Ash takes out her phone and dials Randys number. Nikki stretches and gets up with a cheerful smile on her face. She walks over to Vivian who is deep in thought. NIKKI Morning Vivian. Vivian turns her head slowly. She has a very nasty expression on her face. Nikki looks worried. VivIAN Are you blind as well as dumb? Can you not see Im creating here? 000200000B2B00007C24B25,NikKI Oh Im so sorry I/ VivIAN Forget it. I almost had a whole scene done and now its gone, I cant think straight Im so furious. Its taken me two hours to write this and now [hitting the delete key] all wasted. Thanks a lot airhead. Nikkis face crumples. Ash who hasnt heard the conversation bounds over excitedly. Ash OK, were meeting Randy at 4. Whos up for some sightseeing!? Nikki bursts into tears and runs into the bathroom. ViVIAN Flake. CUT TO: int. Car-day. A childrens alarm clock goes off noisily. Frank, in the passenger seat wakes up sharply and cracks his neck. Nikki, Vivian and Ash climb into the car. Ash struggles with Pooky who is refusing to get in. VIVIAN If you ask him nicely hell get in. Ash Uh, excuse me Pooky but could I trouble you to get into the car please. Pooky hops into the car obediently. Vivian smirks. She swaps seats with Frank and looks back at Nikki. VivIAN Is that what youre wearing today? Nikki looks shocked. She is wearing a pretty pink T-shirt and a long flowing white skirt. NikkI Do you not like it? Vivian Well if youre going for the stupid hippy look then you nailed it. She turns her attention to Ash who wears jeans and a v neck top. She shows a hint of cleavage. VivIAN (CONTD) Do you always dress like a whore Ashley? Personally I think youre too old to be showing off so much flesh. The girls bite their lips and say nothing. Frank starts the car and they begin their sightseeing. Every so often they pass a building and Frank mumbles the name of it with limited enthusiasm. frank Hustler building...coffee bean, thats a good place to meet studio execs..McDonalds..dog beautician The girls are clearly getting bored of this. Franks phone rings. He drives with one hand and starts arguing with the person on the phone. VIVIAN I dont appreciate you taking calls while youre driving my car. frank Can you shut-up for a second, Im on the phone. VIVIAN Dont you dare speak to me like that in my own vehicle. I wouldnt dream of/ frank [holding his phone against his chest.] I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF CUTTING A HUGE DEAL RIGHT NOW. DO YOU KNOW WHO IM TALKING TO? DO YOU. JESUS CHRIST. [Picks up the phone] listen Ill have to call you back, Im having a crisis here. He slams the phone down and Vivian gets right up in his face spitting wildly. VivIAN Im getting a lot of negativity from you Frank and Im not in a position to receive adverse vibes right now. My therapist said I cant create if my aura is blocked. FrANK Are you serious? You are like totally invading my personal space here and you wanna talk about emotional barriers? The girls are bored with the arguing and look out the window. Nikki spots the Hollywood sign. She nearly jumps off the seat. NiKKI Oh my god, the sign, Ash look! Even Ash is impressed. The sign is right beside them perched on a hill. 0002000009E4000087499DE,NiKKI (CONTD) Ever since I was a kid, its been my dream to stand beside the Hollywood sign. I know its lame but, Oh my god I cant believe Im actually going to do it. VivIAN Better take a mental picture cause this is as close as youre gonna get. I havent eaten yet and Im getting cranky. Nikki looks devastated. ASH Surely we could just pop up for 5 minutes? VivIAN Uh uh, I gotta take some pills and I have to take them with food. Take a photograph and get over it already. Ash attempts to comfort Nikki. Nikki takes a feeble photograph. VivIAN (CONTD) Frank, pull over into the next fast food joint. Im wasting away here. They pull into a restaurant car-park. Vivian throws Pooky at Ash. ViVIAN Im gonna be a while so take Pooky for a shit. The girls are too tired to argue. They get out and stroll down the street dragging the dog behind them. They see a sign saying $1000 fine for failure to clean up your dogs mess Ash That little turd better not even think about/ Suddenly Pooky squats and delivers a steaming pile in the middle of the street. Ash looks urgently at Nikki. NIKKI I havent got anything. Ash pats her pockets feeling nothing. An ELDERLY MAN approaches and looks disapprovingly. ELDERLY MAN I assume you will be cleaning up your canines mess. ASH Hes not our canine. Elderly man Well thats totally irrelevant, hes clearly under your care. You had better clean that up immediately before I have to put in a call to the LAPD who are reknowned for their promptness in arriving at crime scenes. Ash bends down and picks up the poo in her hand. The man is disgusted. She approaches him steadily. Ash Well then you wont have long to wait until you report us. She rubs the poo all over his white shirt and designer suit. Hes too disgusted to retaliate. Ash smirks and walks off briskly. Nikki follows open mouthed CuT TO: Ash washes her hands at an outdoor tap. They see a gorgeous Rolls Royce phantom. They stand staring at it. Pooky runs up to it and sprays the wheel. Ash yanks on his lead. AsH Jesus Christ get away from there. You little gobshite, can you just go for two minutes without pissing everywhere? A man - CHIP PARKER approaches. He is tall and ruggedly handsome in his late 30s. He wears a black suit and blue cowboy boots. Nikki almost faints. Ash eyes him warily. Chip Dogs got good taste. NiKKI Im really sorry, hes not ours, were just/ Chip Dont worry, its fine. (beat) You dont sound like youre from around here. NikkI Were Irish. This is Ash and Im Nikki. 000200000A1100009127A0B,ChIP Chip Parker. First time in L.A? asH First and last. ChIP That bad? Are you travelling round the states? NiKKI No, no we actually won a screen writing competition and this is our prize, you know, come over and meet the studios and Oh my God, its just been/ ASH Nikki, Nikki youre rambling. NiKKI Oh sorry, I get a bit carried away. We dont really know anyone here. CHIP Well, then, I tell you what, I know a couple of fun places to see so if youre not too busy I would love to show you guys around. NikkI That would be brilliant. Thank you so much. He offers his card and Ash snatches it. Ash We might call you. We have a lot on. NikkI How about coffee tonight? Were near the Starbucks on tenth in Santa Monica. Ash Nikki! ChIP Sure. 7.30pm? If you wanna cancel you can always call. I have to run Im afraid. Hopefully see you this evening. Nikki melts as he smiles at them. He gets into his phantom and drives off, waving as he goes. His license plate says CH1P. Ash looks at his card which says Chip Parker. The Man Who Can. Property Developer AsH Hmmm. Well at least hes not in the business, thats a bonus. God sake Nikki, you practically threw yourself at him. NikkI I know but hes so yummy. Please can we meet him, please please? Ash Well, maybe, but only cause you didnt get to see the sign. Come on. Were meeting Randy in 20 minutes. Cut TO: Int. Restaurant-day The girls walk into the bright attractive restaurant to meet Randy. Nikki picks fluff off her skirt and reapplies her lipstick. They glance around the room nervously. Nikki has a picture of him from a magazine. Hes lean and handsome. She shows Ash the photo. Nikki Hes cute isnt he? The men are so hot here its just not/ RANDY appears in front of them smiling smugly. Hes balding and overweight with chicken grease all over his fingers. He has an old grey t-shirt with stains on it and a pair of track pants tucked into lumberjack boots. He stares at Ashs chest. NIKKI /fair. Randy Nikki and Ash I presume. [Winking at Ash] quite a dairy board you got there. They girls look appalled but Nikki smiles reluctantly. Ash is fuming. Nikki offers her hand. NikkI Im Nikki, hi/ He licks the chicken grease off his fingers. He does it very slowly looking them in the eye as if hes trying to seduce them. He then shakes her hand limply and gives her a big sloppy kiss on the cheek. He moves to Ash but she wriggles away. Nikki wipes a glob of grease of her cheek. RanDY Wow, you guys are hot. You know, theres nothing I love more than a beautiful smart girl. Ash[under her breath] 00020000097100009B3296B,Opposites attract. They sit down at the table. Randy sits in between them and puts his arm around both their chairs. The girls sit stiffly. He clicks his fingers at a passing WAITER. RANDY Garcon! [smugly] I speak a little Spanish. Ash Thats french. RANDY Whatever. The waiter comes over and delivers a jug of water. RanDY You ladies want something a little stronger. Im quite the connoisseur. [looking at Ash] Thats french for wine buff. ASH Actually it means an expert judge in matters of taste. RANDY Jesus. Whatever. NiKKI I wont have anything at the moment thanks. So, the script.. RanDY Oh, awesome just awesome. [Starts applauding slowly] blew me away. Are you guys free tonight? Ash Yes but if we leave the couch vacant too long Vivian said shes going to rent it out. RanDY Yea about that, I had a suite for you guys at the Beverly Hills hotel but then Sharon stone begged me for it, you know how it is, but then I thought Randy, those girls don't want 5 star and limos, they want the real L.A, not the tourist bullshit Nikki I dont mind the tourist bullshit. Randy completely ignores the hint RANDY So, tomorrows the big day. The head of the studio personally called me about the script. Do you know how incredible that is? It awesome thats what it is. [Applauding weakly] NIKKI Wow, thats fantastic. What time are we meeting him. I was gonna wear/ RANDY /No, no you guys wont be meeting her tomorrow. Im the middle man and she just wants to go through me at the moment. Oh, I nearly forgot, as well as my own copy, she wants the original script. Ash Why? Randy Studios are so scared of a leak that they like to keep all copies of the script. Its a security thing, no biggie. You didnt register it did you? NikkI No, you told us not to. AsH Well, no offence Mr. Spandex but Im hanging onto it for the moment. RANDY Look, its like this. You guys are amateurs. You dont know what youre doing and Im going out of my way to help you. You know how big I am right now? I should be working with Mel Gibson but instead Im helping you guys and you just wanna jeopardize the entire project? Ash glares at Randy and stands up. Ash Im getting a drink. Nikki? Nikki shakes her head. Ash walks over to the bar. RANDY I dont know why you put up with that. Shes just jealous because youre obviously more beautiful and talented than she is. Its such a pity your work will never been seen. 000200000D2D0000A49DD27,NikkI Well come to some arrangement; shes just being cautious. RANDY Its just cost you the deal. I guess theres nothing more to discuss. Ciao. Randy gets up to leave. Nikki looks devastated and pulls him back. NIKKI Wait a second. (beat) Ill get you the script. (beat) Be outside Vivians at 11 tomorrow and Ill run out with it. RANDY Good girl. Youre gonna go far in this business Vikki. NiKKI Nikki. RANDY Whatever. Nikki chews on her nails nervously. As Randy walks out he passes Ash carrying her drink back. RANDY My old pappy used to say you can beat an egg but you cant beat quality. AsH [shrugging] What does that mean? RANDY I dunno but I like her more than I like you. Ill be in touch. He rests a hand casually on Ashs breast and smirks. She shrugs it away and he strolls off waving his fingers coyly. Ash sits down at the table with a guilty looking Nikki. AsH What a jackass. Dont worry, we can always meet with the studio ourselves. Hey why so glum, were meeting Chip soon remember. Nikki nods weakly and smiles. NikkI Oh yeah. CUT TO: int. Coffee shop-day. Nikki and Ash run to the coffee shop to meet Chip Parker. He wears a magnificent suit and pink cowboy boots. An odd looking dog trots past. He snaps a photo. Ash I need therapy, Im surprised they havent come out with Vicodin coffee yet because that would be huge here. They stand at the counter and glance at the menu. A waitress with CINDY-LOU on her badge smiles disdainfully at them. Cindy lou Hi, what can I get you? Ash Just a coffee please. Cindy Lou looks at her like shes the most stupid person in the world. CINDY LOU Yea, what kind of coffee? Ash A white coffee. Cindy-Lou rolls her eyes and points at the blackboard over her shoulder. She stares at Ash as she reels off the names. CiNDY LOU Colombian, Guatemalan, Kenyan, Lightnote, Lightnote decaf, Arabian, espresso, french roast/ Ash /Anything, Im not fussy. CinDY LOU Im sorry maam but Im not at liberty to choose a coffee for you in the event that said coffee may offend or upset you in any way that you would be forced to take legal action against the company. Ash coughs a laugh and looks around to see if any one else is laughing. They all have serious expressions on their faces. Ash Right OK, [pointing randomly] Ill have that one there. CinDY LOU Colombian? Ash Yes. lovely. fantastic. CinDY LOU What kinda milk? Ash (beat) White... milk. From a cow. Cindy-Lou looks at her like shes the most idiotic person shes ever come across. She speaks slowly and loudly as if Ash is retarded. CinDY LOU Half fat... full fat... non fat....or soy. ASH The second one. The girl walks away rolling her eyes. A large impatient queue has built up. Chip stands at the top of the queue and makes an announcement. Chip Sorry everyone, shes Irish. This is her first coffee. A chorus of aws come from the queue and a small applause breaks out. Ash pulls her baseball cap down over her face. Chip approaches the counter. Chip Do you guys do Vicodin coffee? CUT TO: ExT. coffeE SHOP-day. Finally they get outside and sit at a table in the sun. Ash and Nikki flop into their chairs. They are too drained to speak. Chip You look like you could use a vacation. Nikki Just a night away from the mad-house would be nice. Ash Yea, Im tempted to raid her medication drawer. ChIP Aw come on, shes not that bad. 0002000006F90000B1C46F3,Suddenly they see a car driving crazily down the street. Its swerving all over the road. It screeches to a halt beside them and Vivian sticks her head out the window. She wears a night dress and looks like shes been electrocuted. Her hair stands on end like Einstein and she has no make up on. The image is terrifying. Nikki and Ash cant believe what theyre seeing. Everyone in the shop is up against the window. Vivan POOKYS MISSING, HE RAN PAST ME. HE COULD BE DOGKNAPPED BY NOW FOR CHRISTS SAKE. GET OUT AND LOOK FOR HIM. Vivian tears off leaving a long skid-mark on the road. Chip shakes his head. Chip I stand corrected. My cars a block away. Take your coffees. They walk to his car and climb in, pressing buttons and fiddling with the gadgets. They open the dashboard and there is a huge bag of weed inside. Chip leans over and closes it quickly. ChIP Woah, never mind that! NikkI Chip! (beat) Can I have some? Ash looks gobsmacked. Ash Nikki! NiKKI Look if I dont calm down soon, Im gonna have a stroke. Come on Chip, help me out here. Cut TO: INT. car-evening They are all wasted and laughing hysterically. Ash has a pencil in her nose and they all think its the funniest thing theyve ever seen. AsH OK, no wait, wait. She puts her finger on one nostril and blows the pencil out. It hits Nikki in the face. They break up laughing again. Suddenly they hear a loud yelp and Chip breaks suddenly. They jump out and see Pooky lying in the road. Hes staggering around. NiKKI Jesus we ran him over! They all fall over laughing. Tears are rolling down Chips face. ChiP We should really take him to a vet. They laugh even harder. Ash Is anyone else really hungry? Chip Starving. NikkI Yea, Oh Id kill for a happy meal. What about Pooky? Chip Im not that hungry! 000200000F030000B8B7EFD,NikkI No! What should we do with him? Cut to: int. MCDONALDS -night The boot closes on an angry looking Pooky. The gang walk arm in arm into McDonalds still laughing. Ash spots Randy in the corner chatting with a GUY. Ash Hey look, Its Randy. Chip goes to the counter to order the food and the girls walk up to Randy. Hes leaning back and smiling smugly. He sees them approaching and jolts forward. He looks rattled. Ash glares at him. NikkI Hey Randy. Randy Girls, what are you doing all the way out here? NikkI We were just out driving. So whats happening with the script? We tried calling you earlier. RaNDY Uh yea, Im just snowed under right now. Hey look Larry, why dont we talk tomorrow? The man hes with gets up to leave. Larry OK, call me round noon, I wanna play around with the Charlie character. Otherwise, yea its awesome, nice work man. He walks off and the girls look at him suspiciously. Charlie is their lead characters name. Randy tries to change the subject. RanDY So what have you guys been doing since I saw you? Sightseeing? Ash Was that our script he was talking about? RandY Oh no, I was just getting advice on neutering Charlie my cat. Larrys.. my vet. The girls dont believe a word of it. Chip motions at them. Randy pushes the rest of his burger in his mouth and jumps up. Randy [muffled] call me tomorrow. Well do lunch. He runs out of the restaurant. The girls head back over to chip. Ash I dont trust him one bit. Im glad we didnt hand anything over. I think we need to sever our ties with Randy Spandex. ChIP My nephew is a cop, Ill get him to run a check on him. See what you guys are really dealing with. Nikki is very quiet. Chip puts his arms around the girls. CHIP (CONTD) Whats say I show you girls some of the better parts of LA.? Ash is about to protest. Chip (CONTD) I promise to have you home by midnight. Ash looks at Nikki who seems miserable. She nods reluctantly and smiles weakly. AsH Letss go. CUT TO: Montage Int.beverly Hills hotel-night. Chip pretends to be paparazzi and snaps the girls from all angles. People stop and stare. Cut TO: Int. Viper room-night Ash, Nikki and Chip are sitting on leather couches in the DJ booth over the dance floor. Ash searches through the vinyl collection. Suddenly we see the DJ has swapped seats with Ash who is now on the decks and jumping around like a mad-man. Nikki and Chip laugh at the usually sedate Ash. Chip snaps a photo. Cut TO: InT. members only-club Chip puts $50 in the bouncers hand and they walk straight in. There are giant fish tanks in the walls. Nikki goes up to the glass and taps on it. Shes very excited by the fish. Ash stands at the bar. Chip comes up to her and hands her a pen and paper for her autograph. She looks confused. She signs and a group of people gather round and do the same. She signs body parts and T-shirts. Nikki waves over. Shes glued to the fish tank. CuT TO: Ext. Hollywood sign-night They sit drinking a bottle of champagne on a hill. We pull back and see that its the Hollywood sign. They look down at the magnificent view of the city. They smile at the lights below them. CUT TO: Int. Vivians apartment-night. The girls roll in the door half drunk. Ash carries pooky over to where Vivian is sleeping. She places him gently beside her. She tip toes over to their sofa bed and they go to sleep. CUT TO: INT. vIVIANS APARTMENT-NIGHT. A shrill scream jolts the girls awake. Vivian jumps up and turns the lights on. VIViAN Oh my darling, my angel, oh Pooky, What have I done to you. The girls walk over sleepily. Vivian gives him mouth to mouth. VIViAN Does anyone know CPR? I think I suffocated him. Oh my God. Ash I think hes alive. Vivian looks closely at Pooky who is in shock. She crushes him to her bosom. ViviAN Oh my poor darling, will you ever forgive me? Ash 000200000AD00000C7B4ACA,So he was in the bed all the time? We spent hours out looking for him. VIViAN I dont know how he got here, I swear he wasnt here earlier. Am I going crazy? How would I not notice my own dog in my bed? Ash Maybe you need your eyes tested. At your age theres all sorts of things that make you blind. ViVian Oh my god youre right. Ill call the doctor right now. She reaches for the phone but Ash puts her hand on it. Ash First thing in the morning She squints at Vivian. ASH Yep, it looks like youve burst a few blood vessels. You dont wanna put too much pressure on them or theyll just explode. Vivian squeals in horror. Ash smiles evilly. Ash Well. Good-night. Ash and Nikki get into bed. We still hear Vivian whimpering. NikkI Youre terrible. Ash puts her hands behind her head and looks happily up to the ceiling, sighing with contentment. CUT TO: ext. Vivians apartment-day. Nikki stands outside nervously with the script in her hand. She paces up and down looking closely at the passing cars. A hybrid slows down. Its Randy. He pulls up beside her and she gets into the passenger seat. Nikki I feel terrible going behind her back like this. I should have told her. Randy Look, if she wants to get anywhere in this business shes gonna have to learn to compromise. [Holding a copy up] Is this the only copy? NiKKI Yea, apart from your one. RanDY Well you should be really proud of yourself cause youre gonna land a five figure deal for this. NikkI Oh my god, I cant even imagine that much money! Were gonna use it to set up our own production company. I wanted to call it Mash Productions but/ RanDY Yea thats great, but I dont wanna keep them waiting. Gives a bad impression. NikkI No, No, course not. OK, good luck well have our phone on all day. Nikki is barely out of the car when Randy screeches away. RANDY Sucker. CuT TO: int. photocopy shop-day Frank and the girls drive to the photo copy store to get copies of Vivians script. Frank and Nikki enter. Ash waits outside in the sunshine. Frank flings the script at the acne faced YOUTH with braces behind the counter. FRank Gimme 20 copies. YOUTH [Reading] Pooky goes Potty.[sarcastically] sounds like a winner. FRANK Just print the god damn script. The youth scuttles off. Frank (CONTD) I have to call my wife. Nikki looks confused. Nikki Youre married! Oh I didnt realize/ Frank Yea like 2 weeks ago. NikkI Well, congratulations. Will I meet her/ Frank Quiet! Remmy, hey its me. FRANK, YOURE HUSBAND. Jesus Christ. Did you call him?..no, What a surprise. Well why dont you take your head out of your ass for five minutes and call the stupid jerk..Whatever. He slams the phone down and looks menacingly at Nikki. She is shocked at the way he just spoke to his wife. 0002000006590000D27E653,FrANK (CONTD) What are you looking at? Why dont you go put some lipstick on? CuT TO: EXT. photocopy shop-day Ash is standing in the sun outside the shop. She is rummaging around in the trunk and finds a baseball bat. She swings it idly smashing the back light. She quickly hides the bat in the trunk. Ash Shit! CUT TO: Int. Photocopy shop-day The youth returns with the copies. He looks Nikki up and down. Youth Thatll be $26. FRANK Put it on my tab. YoUTH We dont do tabs. Frank looks furious. FRANK I swear to God, I m gonna have a freaking coronary right now. He calmly pulls out 3 packs of business cards from his pocket and starts going through them. He picks out the important ones and shoves them in the youths face. Frank (CONTD) See that, head of Paramount...multi-million Dollar producer..famous actor. Im doing a million dollar deal right now so dont piss me off about $26. Youth Look man, are you gonna pay for it or not? NIKKI Frank, maybe you should just pay him/ Frank Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me while Im in the middle of a deal here? You think you can go around in your pink shoes and your designer glasses and stick your nose in when youre not wanted. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Nikki wells up. She is so upset shes speechless. The youth and Frank look at her blankly. Youth [rolling his eyes] If you show me your titties Ill let you off $10. He smiles to reveal chicken stuck in his braces. Nikki puts her hand up to her mouth in shock. Frank Well? Nikki Im not showing you anything! Frank Jesus what a prude. Go wait in the car, youre making me so mad right now. 00020000061F0000D8D1619,Nikki runs out to the car in shock. She wafts her face. Ash Whats wrong, whats happened? NikkI Im grand, dont worry. Frank gets back into the car with two copies of the script. He flings them on the dashboard. Frank [sarcastically] Two copies. Great. Thanks Nikki! Well you can explain it to Vivian. He tears off and they pull up outside the Beverly Hills Hotel. FrANK (cONTD) Im meeting Remmy. Shell only meet on neutral ground. Dumb bitch. Ill be an hour or so. He gets out of the car and slams the door. AsH Well just sit here then shall we. NIKKI Hes unbelievable. ASH (beat) Come on then. She opens her door and puts a baseball cap on with glasses. NIKKI What are you doing? We cant go in there. Look at us. Were filthy. AsH Exactly. CUT TO: Int.BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL-day Ash strides confidently into the hotel followed by Nikki. A CONCIERGE rushes over. CONCIERGE Madam! Such a pleasure to see you again. Ash leans over to Nikki whispering ASH He saw me here the other night when Chip was taking photos. He thinks I was in party of five. CoNCIERGE Will madam be dining here this afternoon? Nikki and Ash exchange glances ASH Indeed Madam will. CONCIERGE Very good, please. He beckons them and they follow suppressing a giggle. People stop and stare as they enter the restaurant. Ash [WHISPERING] Only a celebrity would look this awful in the Beverly Hills Hotel. They sit at a table overlooking the pool. Other diners nudge each other and toss out various celebrity names. ConcIERGE Would madam like to see the menu or just order a drink. 000200000A200000DEEAA1A,AsH Two cosmopolitans and what would you recommend to eat. ConCIERGE The braised lamb is magnificent. ASH Well have two. Oh and could you just put it on my room? Ill be in the suite. CoNCIERGE Of course madam. He bows and retreats to the kitchen. Nikki sits with her jaw on the table. nikki You are such a chancer. They watch as Frank sits in the lobby hurling abuse at Remmy. AsH What does she see in him? Nikki/ash Green card. Their cocktails arrive and they clink merrily. Cut TO: InT.BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL-day The girls are slumped in their chairs. Several empty plates are scattered across the table. AsH That was sexual chocolate. Nikki nods, too full to speak. NIKKI We better go before Frank gets back to the car. They drag themselves from the table and mosey out. The concierge smiles as they leave. Ash pushes a 10 dollar bill into his hand. CoNCIERGE Thank you madam. AsH No no, thank you. They leave the restaurant and sprint to the car just as Frank exits the lobby. CuT TO: Int. CaR-DAY. The girls grin in the back seat. They arrive at their next destination - the bank. Frank turns to Nikki. Frank (CONTD) Go in the bank and get $3 worth of quarters. Ash What do you need quarters for? Ive a few in my pocket. Frank Vivian wants $3 worth of quarters so just get your ass in the bank and get em. Nikki Im sorry Frank but I dont appreciate the way youre speaking to me so no, Im not going in. Ash is impressed by Nikkis defiance. Frank looks like hes about to hit her. Frank Oh of course, Im sorry, I forgot the whole world revolves around you. He jumps out of the car and slams the door. Nikki Oh my god, what a freaking Nazi! Did you know that Remmy is his wife! AsH No way! I thought she was his girlfriend. NikkI Yea! Thats how she got her green card. I better go in or hell throw a wobbler at me. If Im not out in 5 minutes call the police. CUT TO: Int. BANK-DAY Nikki takes a deep breath and walks into the bank. Frank stands in front of a tall BLACK MAN whos dressed entirely in khaki. He ignores Nikki when she approaches. Frank looks him up and down. Frank Hey Macgyver, you got a gun in there? Huh? You packin heat? Huh, Packin some heat there Shaft? The man ignores Frank whose mention of guns has attracted a lot of attention. The GUARD looks over suspiciously. Nikki hurries Frank to the counter. Frank Yea hey I need change in quarters and if you dont give it to me, the guy behind us is gonna shoot you. CuT TO: EXT. Bank-day Frank and Nikki are dragged from the bank roughly. Frank thinks its hilarious. They get in the car quickly. 0002000007AB0000E9047A5,Frank Jesus Nikki, it was just a misunderstanding. I thought you Irish people could take a joke. NiKKI Dont talk to me Frank. There is an awkward silence in the car as they drive home. CuT TO: Int. vivIANS APARTMENT-DAY They reach the apartment and Ash enters first. She takes Vivian to one side. Ash Uh Viv, we had a bit of an accident with the tail light. Frank saunters in smugly. Vivian flies at him in a rage. Ash grabs Nikki and drags her out of the apartment. They hear Vivian shouting in the background. Vivian (O.s.) You crashed my god damn car?! NikKI What!? What did you say to her? CUT TO: Int. Studio presidents office-day Randy enters the office where MS. ROBERTA VASQUEZ sits. She is a 40 yr. old Hispanic woman. A MAN stands in the corner mixing drinks at the drinks cabinet. Its CLINT EASTWOOD. He has his back to Randy. Randy [applauding] Bobby, you look great. Lost a few hundred pounds? Roberta Dont call me Bobby. RANDY Sorry. Hey Carlos, send a rum and coke this way. Roberta widens her eyes in horror. Clint freezes but doesnt turn around. He grits his teeth. ROBERTA Forget the drink Randy. She paces the room warily. Its clear she dislikes him. ROBERTA (CONTD) When did you write this? RANDY Oh its just something Ive been working on for a few years. I was inspired by a holiday I spent in the west of Ireland. ROBERTA Oh Ive been there, Where did you go? RANDY Uh, it was a really quaint village called...Bally..Shamrock..ville. RoBERTA Bally Shamrockville? RaNDY Yea, it was awesome, just awesome [applauding slowly]. RoBERTA Well I have to admit, Its the most moving thing Ive read in years. RANDY I know. Uh I mean, thanks. ROBERTA I honestly never thought you were capable of anything..this good. RANDY Yea well, Im just one big bag of emotion. Lets just cut to the chase here. How much am I getting? RoBERTA Were prepared to offer $1.5 RANDY Dont insult me Ms. Vasquez. This script is worth twice that. 0002000007B40000F0A97AE,ROBERTA This is your first screenplay. Youre lucky to be getting more than $400,000. RANDY I want $3 million or I take my business elsewhere. RoBERTA Youre a real piece of work. RANDY Jealous?! Randy gets up to leave grinning smugly. Roberta hands him the signed contract. ROBERTA Come in Friday afternoon. Our accountant will sign you over the cheque. RANDY Nice. Just in time for the weekend. [Gesturing at Clint] You might wanna get yourself some new help. [Looking her up and down] I hear Spics are pretty handy. He laughs and applauds his own joke. Clint slams the door after him and sips his drink. Clint I hate that guy. ROBERTA We all do but Galway Storm is gonna make us a truckload and land you an Oscar. CliNT [gritting his teeth] I already got an Oscar. ROBERTA Not for acting you havent. He picks up one of Robertas awards and tosses it up and down. Roberta starts to protest. He walks out the door and throws it back to her. She falls over the desk trying to catch it. CuT TO: INT. Apartment-night Nikki and Ash sit silently in the apartment. Nikki stares into space. Ash gets up and saunters toward the kitchen disregarding Vivians glare. ASH Anyone for a coffee? Vivian You know what Id love? Ash (quietly) A kick in the face? VIVIAN A turkey bacon sandwich. Could you make one for me? Thanks, youre a doll. ASH (sarcastically) Sure. She searches the drawer for a spoon. Amongst the clean cutlery is Vivians dirty underwear. Ash recoils in disgust. ASH(CONTD) Uh Vivian, is it possible to put your underwear in a different drawer? (quietly) Im not a big fan of skid marks on my cutlery. An alarm clock suddenly goes off and Vivian springs up from her bed. ViVIAN Come on, you have to hear this. She drags the girls to her flat-mates door and presses their heads against it. They hear a buzzing noise. VIVIAN (CONTD) Do you hear that. Shes violating herself under my roof. Every night at this time she goes at herself. Repulsive. 00020000090F0000F857909,NikkI Maybe we should just leave her to her own devices. VIVIAN Uh uh, her last cheque bounced. Shes pleasuring herself for free under my roof and I cant even afford a quarter to sit on the washing machine. Its insulting. Ash visibly shudders as Nikki curls her lip. They back away from the door but Vivian grabs them firmly. VIVIAN (CONTD) I want you to tell her shes out, Im putting her room on craigs list. She opens the door and pushes them into the room. She totters off and hides in the bathroom listening to whats happening. Ash and Nikki stand dumbly in the middle of the room. Marla sits with her back to them. Ash turns to leave but Nikki stops her. NIKKI (whispering) lets just get it over with. They inch toward the chair desperately not wanting to see what shes up to. Nikki stretches out her hand and taps her on the shoulder. The flat-mate spins around to reveal a man shaving with an electric razor. Nikki nearly faints. Ash smirks. AsH Well well. The plot thickens. Twenty minutes later they exit the room to where Vivian is perched on the couch. ASH Shes going to try and get some cash together and shell move out at the end of the month. ViVIAN Hmph. Did you see..? AsH Everything. She was really working that/ VivIAN Stop, not in front of the dog. Uh, Im nauseous. Vivian rushes to her kitchen/bedroom. She opens a drawer which is brimming over with pills. She takes several. Ash puts a wad of cash in her wallet. Nikki gives her a dirty look. ASH [WHISPERING] We dont have a choice. Look, we were expecting a $1000 spending money and we got shafted. You spent all your money on make-up in the airport. NIKKI [WHISPERING] I know but I feel terrible. Weve been here 2 days and were blackmailing someone? AsH Its fine, everyones at that here. Lets eat. CuT TO: Ext. Santa Monica-night Ash and Nikki stroll down the street to the burger bar. As they pass an alley they see a BUM-TONTO lying on the ground. He is black with silver hair. He wears a medal around his neck. He groans in pain. Nikki goes to his aid while Ash hangs back a little. Nikki Aw your poor thing, are you OK? Will I call an ambulance? The man whips around with a pen knife and shoves it in Nikkis face. She starts hyperventilating. Ash walks over looking annoyed and snatches the knife from his hands. 0002000006BF000101606B9,Ash Be careful, you could take someones eye out with that thing. She tosses the knife away. The homeless man looks very confused. He straightens up and tries to appear menacing. TONTO Gimme your money and I wont hurt you. ASH Well, thats a lovely attitude to have you didnt say please or ask nicely in any respect. All in all your whole presentation is very poor, look at this top, you look like you slept in it. First impressions are so important. She attempts to straighten his collar but he pulls a fork out of his pocket and waves it half hearted at her. Nikki who is pinned up against the wall in fear begins to relax and watches Ash in awe. ASH Are you going to prong us to death? TONTO Its all I got. ASH Heres some advice. Change your approach and lose the aggression. Weve had a pretty crappy day and the last thing my friend needs is somebody waving a utensil in her face. TONTO Sorry. Im just really hungry. ASH Well I think I can stretch to a burger. Come on, I could eat a bullock between two bread vans. CUT TO: Int. Apartment-night. Its 4 a.m. Vivian scuffles around. Nikki is fast asleep but Ash is trying to figure out what Vivian is up to. Vivian suddenly jumps up and turns all the lights on. She phones the bank. Vivian Hello. HELLO! Oh wonderful a machine. 1194872. YES. YES. 2. YES. Jesus Im aging here. Yes, HELLO, Ive been overcharged by $20 and its unclear why, most likely an error on your part. I would like you to handle this as soon as possible and call me when youve rectified the situation. I would also like to complain about this machine business. I find it deplorable that you dont have staff manning the phones, I mean Jesus is this America or the god damn outback? 0002000006D0000108196CA,She slams down the phone and starts scratching her head crazily. Ash closes her eyes tightly and pretends to be asleep. Vivian comes up to her bedside. VIVIAN Ashley, ASHLEY! She shakes Ash awake rudely. Ash reluctantly opens her eyes to see Vivian standing over her completely naked. Instinctively she shuts her eyes tight. Ash [whispering] Its just a bad dream, wake up please wake up. She opens her eyes cautiously and Vivian is still there. Ash looks like she wants to cry. VIVIAN Pooky needs to go out. Right now. Ash The doors open, hell go out when he wants to. VivIAN Hes a very sensitive dog, he needs support and motivation. I do everything around here, the least you could do is put the damn dog out. Ash gets up without looking at Vivian. She walks to the balcony door where the dog is. AsH Get on with it. VIVIAN He wont go if you use that nasty tone of voice. Hes not receptive to hostility. Ash [sarcastically] Please take a dump Pooky wooky so I can go to bed and hopefully fall into some sort of coma. The dog squats and begins pooping. Ash walks back to bed and pulls the duvet over her face. She hasnt noticed the dog following her back in. He jumps up on the bed and finishes off his evacuation. Ash pulls the duvet down and stares blankly at him. ASH You little shit. Ill get you for this. You know what hot dogs are made of? Pooky jumps off the bed whimpering. Ash sighs and looks up at the ceiling. CuT TO: Int.car-day The girls are in the back of the car looking miserable. Nikki dials Randys number. Frank and Vivian are arguing. NiKKI Hey Randy its Nikki, just sent you an email and have tried calling you a few times. Really wanna know how yesterday went so call us when you get this, thanks. 00020000083500010EE382F,Ash Sorry, Vivian, where are we going? VivIAN Im going to the bank to lodge some money. Ash Oh you got some? VivIAN Yea, I found $6 in my bag and look I also got this in the mail this morning. She passes Ash a letter with a credit card attached. The letter has in big bold writing CONGRATULATIONS VIVIAN DARLING, YOUVE BEEN AWARDED A GOLD CARD! In smaller writing underneath it says only 30% interest per month VivIAN (CONTD) Isnt that wonderful. Ash Youre joking arent you. Only a complete moron would sign up for this. But you signed up for it didnt you Vivian. VivIAN Of course I did, Im broke. Ash shows her the letter and points out the small writing. Vivian covers her mouth in horror. VivIAN What! But thats ridiculous. Wheres the opt out clause. I need the opt out clause. She grabs Franks phone and punches in the number. ViVIAN How could they, those monsters! Trying to con an innocent old lady. Pull over Frank. Frank pulls the car over and rolls his eyes. The girls glance across the street and see a bar. They both jump up. Ash Just goin for a slash. They jump out of the car before Vivian can object. There are 6 lines of traffic between them and the bar. Nikki hangs onto the traffic light but Ash drags here. They run wildly across the road screaming in terror. Cars break sharply and beep wildly. They finally reach the bar and run inside. CUT TO: INT.BAR-DAY They sigh in relief. This is their sanctuary. A man reading a newspaper sits at the bar. Its Clint Eastwood. He has his face behind the paper. He looks bemused at the state of the girls. They approach the bar. The BARMAN smiles at them. Ash Two pints please. Barman Pints of what? Ash Anything. No wait, cider. BARMAN Can I see some I.D please? Ash pulls out her passport and hands it over. BARMAN (CONTD) Irish eh! Nice to finally have some Irish folks in an Irish bar. Makes the place a bit more authentic. He smiles widely and pours their drinks. Ash sits down in the corner near a window. She browses through a menu. Nikki stands at the bar reading one of the posters. She rubs her temples. 0002000007540001171274E,CLINT Rough day? NikkI You wouldnt believe me if I told you. CliNT I think I believe just about anything that went on in this town. You an actress? He lowers his paper to look at her properly. She glances at him and does a double take. NiKKI No, Im..Clint Eastwood. ClINT [chuckling] Really? I thought I was the only Clint Eastwood in these parts. Nikki laughs nervously. ClINT (CONTD) So why the rush to the bar? NikkI [blushing] Its cheaper than therapy! Were staying with some..difficult people at the moment. CliNT I see. Is it to do with business? NikKI Yea, we uh, won a screen writing competition and our prize was to come over and meet with the studio. CliNT Thats great, congratulations. Nikki (beat) yea it would be great (beat) but the guy who organized it has our script and [starts to well up] I have this really bad feeling that hes not going to give it back. CLINT Didnt you register it? Nikki shakes her head and bites her lip. NikkI No, he told us not to because it affects their marketability strategy concept. Whatever that is. CLINT Surely you have a hard copy of it somewhere? NIKKI Not that I know of. It all happened so fast. Clint Well, no offence lil lady, but I think this guy is taking you for a ride. Im afraid youve been had by a Hollywood shark. Nikki begins to weep into her pint. Clint jumps off his stool and puts his arm around her. ClINT Weve all been had at one time or another. You just have to grow a thick skin. Nikki nods and smiles feebly. Ash runs up to her and tugs at her not noticing Clint. Ash We better go, Vivian is coming over and she looks mad. NikkI OK, look I have to run. Thanks for the chat. As they walk out Clint calls out to Nikki. CLINT Whats your script called? She looks back over her shoulder. NIKKI Galway Storm. They exit the bar and Clint sits scratching his stubble with a furrowed brow. 00020000060000011E605FA,ClINT Galway..Storm..HOLY SHIT! CUT TO: Int. VIVIANS APARTMENT-DAY The girlss trudge into the apartment wearily. Marla is standing in a nightdress by the answer machine which is flashing. He smooths out his gown and when he sees the girls. Marla Sorry, I didnt get to it in time. [coldly] Hello girls. Ash/nikki Marla. They spot the blinking light on the answer phone. NiKKI Vivian, could you check your messages because I gave Randy your number and he might have called. Vivian grunts and presses play on the machine. A female voice begins speaking like a robot. They all crowd around the machine. Voice Hi, this is a message for Ms Vivian Darling from Flexicard to confirm your opt out fee of $199. This will be debited from your account tomorrow. Thank you! ViVIAN Good luck finding $199 in that account. Marla, are you wearing aftershave? A male voice comes from the machine. Ash hushes everyone. Its Randy. He sounds very cheerful. The girls smile excitedly. RANDY Hey girls, Its Randy. Good news. The girls squeal in delight and hold hands. RANDY (CONTD) I sold the script for $3 million dollars. Nikki falls on the floor with her hand clasped over her mouth. Ash jumps up and down. Marla grunts in a very masculine way then corrects himself. RANDY (CONTD) But unfortunately you wont see a penny of it. Ash thinks shes misheard him. The smile suddenly disappears from Nikkis face. Vivian rolls her eyes. RANDY (CONTD) Now that I have the master copy, I can just cut you guys out of the deal. Isnt that awesome! 000200000B180001245AB12,Tears fall silently down Nikkis cheek. Ash looks furious. RaNDY I have to admit though Ash, you had my balls in a knot for a while there. Im picking up my cheque tomorrow. Dont bother trying to stop me. Legally you dont have a leg to stand on. Ciao girls. Its been fun. The machine beeps. Ash sits on the bed looking furiously at Nikki who is sobbing quietly. Marla slopes back into his bedroom. ASH You gave him our script? Everything weve worked on for the past two years and you just handed it over? I dont believe this. Please tell me its not true. NiKKI [sobbing] Im sorry, I just wanted it to get made so badly. Ash walks over to her hand luggage and turns it upside down. She looks determined. She tosses various items back into her bag. AsH I had a black floppy disk with a silver tag on it. Where is it? Did you give him that as well? NiKKI No! Do you have the script on a disk? Oh please, please tell me you have. Vivian picks up a disk thats on her computer desk. She waves it at Ash. VIVIAN This it? Ash rushes over and looks closely at it. ASH Whats it doing over here. She glares at Nikki NiKKI I swear I never touched it. She looks menacingly at Vivian VIVIAN Dont look at me. Ash pushes past Vivian and puts the disk in the computer. Nikki clasps her hand together in prayer. Ash opens the disk file. It reads POEMS BY REMMY BECKS. VIVIAN Oh how adorable, Remmy wrote a poem. Ash puts her hands over her eyes and takes deep breaths. Tears roll down Nikkis cheeks. Vivian puts on her glasses and reads Remmys poem. VIVIAN Sometimes I wonder why the sky is blue. Do you? It makes me happy all day long to see a cloud or two Thats beautiful, so creative. Ash turns and stares at Nikki. AsH Nice work. I couldnt have fucked it up any better myself. ViVIAN You should never had trusted that guy, I told you he was no good. ASH Shut-up Vivian. Ash grabs her bag and jacket and storms out slamming the door behind her. VivIAN Well, finally, some emotion. Im hungry. Cut TO: Int. Bar-night Ash sits in the bar they were in earlier. Its empty except for a few people scattered in the corner. She sits at the bar with her head in her hands, a half pint in front of her. Shes slightly drunk. Her face is blotchy from crying. The barman walks over and puts a whiskey beside her. BARMAN On the house. ASH Cheers. BaRMAN Youd be amazed how many people come in here with that same look on their face. Ash Yea, Ill bet. This town is a real hoot. She knocks back the shot of whiskey. BARMAN Werent you in here earlier today? Ash Yea and I know what youre gonna say, Irish alcos, I get it. BaRMAN No..there was something.. A light bulb goes off in his head. He goes to the side of the bar and makes a phone call. We see him speaking on the phone and nodding energetically. Ash looks more and more upset. 0002000007A600012F6C7A0,CuT TO: Ext. coffe shop-night Nikki sits at a small table with Chip and TONTO-THE BUM. They sip hot chocolate. Nikki stares into space. Chip flicks through some papers. CHIP Randy Spandex, real name Clive Rogers. 1993, Fraud, charges were dropped. 1993 DUI, spent a night in the cell, 1995, conned a Japanese tourist out of $10,000 when he rented her an apartment in Malibu that didnt belong to him. 1999/ Tonto That is one mean mother. Where dyou get those man? Chip My nephew is a cop. I got him some tickets to a Laker game. TONTO Damn. You get me one? ChIP Sure. Ill even throw in a pair of shoes in case they have a dress code. Tonto has anyone ever told you you look exactly like the guy that was on star trek for a while. TONTO I was the guy that was on star trek for a while. CHIP Seriously, that was you. TONTO Yup, had things real easy for a while, then I got a fondness for scotch and it all fell apart. Thats what happens here, you go from the penthouse suite to a box in the alley. NiKKI How could I be so stupid? ChIP Nikki, hes a con man, thats what he makes his living at. He even conned his own wife for crying out loud. Nikki looks at him curiously. NiKKI Vivian? ChIP Yup. They were married all of 36 days. She had won $600,000 on the lottery. He blew it all then divorced her. ToNTO Damn! Nikki What a charmer. Yea, I did wonder what the attraction was there. Its just, Ash knew, she could tell he was a fraud and/ Chip Shell forgive you, she just needs time. CUT TO: Int. BAR-NIGHT Ash is quite drunk and half asleep on the bar. The barman rings the bell for last orders. He glances at the door. Clint suddenly bursts in and nods at him. The barman smiles a hello. Clint stands beside Ash. CliNT Excuse me, hello? Ash looks up wearily trying to focus on the figure beside her. She giggles. Ash [slurring] Dont take this as an insult..but.. You..you look really like that..harry guy, you know.. Do you feel lucky punk? 000200000A010001370C9FB,ClINT [Rolling his eyes and extending his hand] Clint Eastwood. Pleasure. AsH Yea thats..oh. Hello. ClinT Were you in here with another girl this afternoon? An Irish girl like you, wears a lot of pink. AsH Yea. Thats Nikki. The traitor. She ruined everything. Just handed him the script and theres the last two years gone down the toilet. CliNT What was the script called? AsH Galway Storm. CliNT Got you, you son of a bitch. Clint slams his hand down in triumph. Ash passes out and slides off the stool. Clint is staring steely eyed into the distance. He doesnt even notice. CuT TO: Int. VIVIANS APARTMENT-NIGHT Nikki is lying in bed half asleep. Frank and Remmy are sleeping on the floor. The dog snores in harmony with Vivian. Remmy gets up and stretches. She sits in the rocking chair and stares at Nikki. She rocks back and forth. Nikki peeps out from under the covers. Shes very disturbed by the scene. Remmy is mumbling under her breath. NiKKI [WHISPERING] Uh Remmy, are you OK? RemmY Oh hey, yea Im just praying. Im sorry I wiped your disk. NiKKI Its OK, youre not to blame. Do you always pray at this time? REMMY No, only when Frank is asleep. I pray for world peace and for us all to find whatever it is were searching for. NIKKI Thats nice. (beat) What are you searching for? REMMY Citizenship. Nikki nods her head slowly. Suddenly Ash stumbles through the door. Nikki jumps out of bed and runs to her. Remmy waves and continues praying. NiKKI Ash, where were you, I was so worried, I/ Ash Dont say anything, Im too angry to talk to you right now. Nikki begins to cry softly. NIKKI Im so sorry. He said he could get us loads of money for it. I just wanted to surprise you. AsH Well, congratulations because it surprised the shit out of me. NiKKI Ill get it back, I swear, I have his address/ ASH Dont bother, someones picking me up tomorrow and were going to get it back ourselves. Youve done enough. NiKKI Please Ash, this is my mess to fix, let me go with you/ Ash [WHISPERING] Why did you go behind my back? I never would have done that to you. Never. NiKKI Look, I never had many friends. Most people thought I was stupid and shallow and they hated the fact that I was ambitious. Then I met you and for the first time in my life I felt good about myself. I felt like maybe I wasnt such an idiot after all. I know getting this film made is your dream and I gave him the script so you could be happy too. When you left, I thought you would never come back and it broke my heart. Youre like the sister I never had. 000200000D6C00014107D66,ReMMY Aw, thats sweet. Ash looks furious but then her face begins to soften. She takes a deep breath. ASH Damn you, youre so hard to stay angry at. They hug quickly then Nikki holds Ash at arms length. NIKKI OK, Ill get Chip and Tonto and take them too. Who did you say was picking you up? Ash I think his name is Harry. He looked really Clint Eastwood. Nikki puts her hand up to her mouth and her eyes widen in surprise. Remmy begins to sing a bible hymn. VIVIAN Will you shut the hell up already? Im a senior citizen for crying out loud. Ashley, can you put Pooky out? Ash rolls her eyes. She picks up Pooky and puts him in Franks cupboard shutting the door. Nikki giggles. ASH Okey dokey. Lets get some sleep. Big day tomorrow. CuT TO: Ext. VIVIANS APARTMENT-MORNING. Nikki, Ash, Clint, Tonto and Chip stand facing the morning sunshine. Clints shiny black hummer glistens in the sunlight. They Look hard as nails except for Tonto who isnt sure why hes there. ToNTO Hey Clint, Tonto Bowles, pleasure. They shake hands firmly. Clint glances at his medal. CLINT Tonto. [Touches Tontos medal] You get that in Vietnam soldier? TONTO Yessir. 71, brought back two brothers from a POW camp. CLINT Youre a credit to this country my friend. Clint tosses his keys at Chip. CLINT (CONTD) You drive. I gotta clench my fists a while. CHIP Yes sir. They all clamber into the hummer. Cut TO: Int. Clints hummer-day Chip fiddles with the ignition. Clint leans over and does it for him. CLINT Gotta be gentle with her. Treat her like a lady. Caress her. TONTO So where we are going again? ASH To catch a shark. Cut TO: Int. Randys house- day Randy stands in his kitchen eating chocolate pancakes. RANDY Mmmm, awesome, awesome. Oh my God Randy, you just get sexier and sexier. He applauds himself briefly, looking at his reflection in the window whilst stuffing his face. He sees a hummer pull over at the end of his road and nods his admiration. RANDY (CONTD) Hummer. Awesome, awesome. Nikki jumps out of the car followed by Ash. Randy recognizes them. He throws down his pancakes and hides behind the front door. The doorbell rings. He doesnt move. It rings again. We hear heavy bangs on the door. It opens slowly. Randy holds his breath. The door swings open, hiding him. The gang walk into the house. CUT TO: Ext. RANDYS HOUSE-DAY A small tanned Australian tourist in her 40s -MADGE looks at the house suspiciously. She holds a map of the movie stars homes which looks like its been written by a 10 y.r old. She shakes her head in annoyance. MaDGE This is not Marilyn Mansons house. Suddenly Randy runs from his house and jumps into his hybrid. Ash runs out behind him. Madge waves her down. MaDGE Excuse me, are you a member of the Manson family? Ash halts suddenly and looks oddly at Madge. She is speechless. Nikki and Clint chase Randy. Madge catches a glimpse of Clint and squeals in excitement. Clint, Ash and Nikki pile into the nearest vehicle which is a cherry picker. A nearby WORKMAN runs toward them waving his arms. Clint jumps into the front and the girls climb into the basket. They drive furiously after Randy. Nikkis skirt flies up. She yanks it down. Tonto and Chip run out of the house. They see Clints hummer down the street. Chip pulls the keys from his pocket. Madge runs after them. Madge Its him isnt it. Oh my God, look at the state of me. Are you paparazzi? This is so exciting! 00020000089300014E6D88D,CUT TO: Int. Clints hummer-day They hop into Clints hummer. They cant start it. Tonto finds the manual and reads to Chip who fiddles with the dials. MaDGE Isnt this your car? ChiP No, Its Clints. Sorry, who are you? MaDGE Marjorie Matthews, but everyone calls me Madge. I cant believe Im in HIS car. I always just imagined him riding round on a horse in his poncho. Isnt that hilarious! (beat) Have I got anything stuck in my teeth? She pulls her mouth open wide and shoves it in Tontos face. Madge (CONTD) So who were those girls he was with? Were they his brazen hussies? Is that why were chasing him? Two women, gee, he must have a lot of stamina! The car jerks forward. They all scream. Madge (CONTD) Careful! Ive just had a boob job. The car lurches forward again as Chip takes the hand break off. CHIP Chip Parker. The man who can. CUT TO: Ext. Cherry picker-day Clint drives furiously. He pulls a cigar from his pocket and tears the end of it. He clenches it between his teeth. Nikki leans against the green button in the basket and they start to rise. They scream in terror. Nikki Oh Jesus stop, Im terrified of heights. ash [shaking head] We have to get you some phobia counselling when we get home. Ash accidentally leans on the button and they rise further. Nikki shrieks at Clint thinking hes moving them up. NiKKI Wait, I can see Randy. We need to shoot out his tyres. Ash [sarcastically] Oh no, I left my 357 magnum in my other trousers. Nikki, get a grip. (beat) Whats in your bag? Nikki opens her huge bag revealing a dazzling array of contents. Ash pulls out a heavy hardback. Ash The Bible?! NIKKI I know, my granny made me pack it. Its bleedin massive! Ash is about to throw it when Nikki grabs her arm. NiKKI You cant throw that, Its holy! AsH Holy shit Nikki, thou shalt not steal remember [Pointing at Randys car] were on a mission from God here. Do you wanna get him or not? Nikki nods and covers her eyes. She winces as Ash chucks the book at his car and it smashes his back window. He momentarily swerves. The girls scream in delight and jump up and down. Nikki remembers her vertigo and gets dizzy. Randy sticks his head out the window. 00020000074B000156FA745,Randy I can get 50 miles to the gallon in this baby. Youll never catch me. They start throwing objects out of Nikkis bag at his head. Ash is about to throw a lipstick but Nikki stops her and takes it out of her hand. Nikki No, no, Jesus, its Chanel! They suddenly hit a traffic jam and pull up beside a guy fixing a telegraph pole. Hes ruggedly handsome. Nikki quickly puts on the lipstick and smiles shyly at him. He leans over and smiles. Telegraph man Nice wheels. NikkI Nice pole. The man looks down at his crotch area. She realizes what she just said and blushes. Cut TO: Int. VIVIANS CAR-DAY Vivian, Frank and Remmy are stuck in the traffic jam. Frank argues with Vivian while talking on the phone. Remmy stares blankly at the rear view mirror where we see the two girls standing in the basket of the cherry picker. She sounds stoned. Remmy I think I see Nikki and Ash. Frank and Vivian ignore her and continue to argue. CUT TO: Ext. Cherry picker-day Clint manoeuvres out of the traffic up onto the sidewalk. Ash and Nikki hear Madge shouting. She stands up through the hummer sunroof. MaDGE OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS CAR. ASK CLINT HOW MUCH HE PAID FOR IT. The girls point her in the direction of Randy who is getting away. Clint drives on the sidewalk in pursuit. Clint The wood always gets his man. The police have joined in the chase. They follow the hummer at a distance. NiKKI Oh look, its CHiPS! She takes her camera out and takes a photo of the car. NikkI I love you Poncherello! Ash shakes her head. In the distance a tunnel looms. Their eyes widen in horror. Ash Oh God! Nikki we have to get down. They start rocking the basket and looking for buttons. They bang on the roof of the cab to try and get Clints attention. CUT TO: Int. Clints hummer-day The gang look in the rear view mirror and see a line of police cars chasing them. 00020000078500015E3F77F,MADGE Oh shit the filth are following us [nudging Chip] come on mate, lets be off like a brides nightie eh! Chip looks at her in confusion. Tonto is staring at the girls in the cherry picker who are jumping up and down. Tonto Is that Irish dancing? MADGE Damn right it is, Ive seen River dance twice. She rifles through Clints CD collection. MADGE (CONTD) Oh, no way, get the flock outta here. I love this song! Me and Clint are such kindred spirits. She puts the CD in and FAME blares out of the speakers. She stands up through the sunroof and dances wildly throwing her arms around. CUT TO: Ext. Cherry picker-day Ash prays as the tunnel gets closer. Nikki leans against the down button and they descend. NiKKI Its working! Keep praying! [Looking up] God, He loves the Irish. They go through the tunnel safely. Randy in his hybrid, followed by Clint in the cherry picker, the gang in the hummer and 9 police cars. Ash Look, Nikki, if anything happens, I just wanna say..youre, Im really bad at this, (beat) youre my best friend. Nikki begins to waft her eyes. Even Ash has a few tears threatening. ASH (CONTD) I know Im not very sensitive and I can be a real bitch but I think youre great and Im really proud of you/ Nikki grabs her and they hug. Tonto appears out of the hummer sunroof and shouts at them. TonTO Slip her the tongue! Nikki and Ash giggle and grimace. Madge pulls Tonto back into the car roughly. NiKKI Come on then. Lets get our script back. They play around with the buttons and swing the basket around to the side of Randys car. Ash bangs on his back window. Randy cant hear them so Ash digs around in Nikkis bag. She finds Vivians script and rolls it up. She bangs on the roof of his car. The hummer pulls up on his other side. Madge simultaneously sings and bangs on his roof. Tonto grabs a big gulp that Clint had in his front seat. Its full. He struggles to lift it. 000200000684000165BE67E,Cut TO: Int. VIVIANS CAR-DAY The arguing has reached a climax in the car. Remmy has her hands over her ears and the dog whines. Frank and Vivian are nose to nose practically spitting at each other. Remmy objects weakly. Remmy Why dont you guys just chill out? Frank Why dont you just/ CUT TO: Int. CLINTS HUMMER-DAY Tonto sees Randys car in front and throws the drink. He slips and the drink goes sailing into a different cars sunroof. TONTO Whoops CuT TO: Int. VIVIANS CAR-DAY A litre of strawberry milk shake falls through their sunroof drenching Vivian and Frank. The dog licks at it. Vivian and Frank are struck dumb. Remmy sits back smugly, glad of the peace and quiet. Cut TO: Ext. Cherry picker-day Ash sees their script in the backseat. The window is down slightly. You can see a plan forming in her mind. Clint is nearly out of fuel. The car slows down. Madge flashes Randy to distract him. MaDGE Been dying to show them off! The cherry picker pulls over and grinds to a halt. The hummer jerks up behind them. Clint jogs over to Madge. CLINT Have you got gas? MADGE Oh my god, could you hear me, Im so embarrassed. Clint Eastwood heard me farting. CLINT (beat) in the tank. MADGE Oh. Then no. Were nearly empty. Nikki and ash climb out of the basket. They look exhausted. Their hair is all over the place. Nikki jumps around angrily. NiKKI Come on whats the hold up? Were gonna lose him. ClINT Were outta gas. Im sorry girls. CuT TO: Ext. Street-day The police cars screech to a halt and surround them in a circle. They jump out and crouch behind the cars with their guns pointed. The POLICE CHIEF puts a megaphone up to his mouth. 0002000007B600016C3C7B0,Police chief Drop your weapons and put your hands up. Everyone except Nikki and Clint raise their hands. Tonto takes the fork out of his pocket and drops it. The police look unimpressed. Clint is annoyed by the interruption. He walks straight toward the chief. The chief recognizes him. PoLICE CHIEF Clint? [Turns to police]Lower your weapons, its OK. He walks over to greet Clint. Clint leads the chief back over to the group. Nikki sits on the kerb and begins to cry. Chip and Madge comfort her. Tonto tries to look up her skirt. NiKKI Well thats it then. Its over. ChIP Theyll find him out sooner or later. MADGE Its nothing to be ashamed about. Id love to be Clint Eastwoods hussy. Tonto shakes his head and leads her back to the car. Clint wrings his hands and sighs heavily. CliNT I almost had him. Punk. Ash studies their faces in amusement. They all look devastated. Chip puts his hands in his pockets and kicks the kerb repeatedly. They are a sorry sight. Ash What a bunch of moaning Marys. She rifles in Nikkis bag which is slung on her shoulder. She pulls out a script and throws it at Nikki. Nikki squints at it for a moment and then leaps up screaming. The others crowd around and look at the script which is indeed theirs. NikkI But, how did you? When? Ash grins widely. Clint looks at her incredulously and slams his fist down on the car. Across the road they see a car lot with a monster truck out the front advertising used cars. Clint looks at it gleefully and then at the chief. PoLICE CHIEF Do it quick while Im not looking. The chief walks off and the police return to their cars. CLINT Lets go before I find my temper. CuT TO: Ext. Pacific coast highway-day A convey of cars speeds along the highway. A police escort of six cars and two motorcycles leads the monster truck which is packed with the whole gang. Behind that is a further 10 cars. The roads have been cleared for them and a crowd looks on from the roadsides. CuT TO: 000200000A6D000173ECA67,Int. Monster truck-day Clint is in his element. Ash And Nikki are pounding on the dashboard. Nikki has the script tightly in her hand. Tonto is looking a bit car sick. He sticks his head out the window. Chip smokes a joint and looks very contented. Madge sits staring at Clint snapping photos whenever he changes expression. CuT TO: Ext. Monster truck-day Vivian, Frank and Remmy are standing on the sidewalk removing their milk shake covered clothes. Remmy holds the dog and stares into space as Frank and Vivian argue. FrANK Well maybe if you hadnt put the god damn sunroof down we might/ Vivian Well maybe its my god damn car and Ill do as I god damn well please. Right at that moment the truck comes past and goes over a speed bump. CUT TO: Int. MONSTER TRUCK-DAY Everyone hits the ceiling. Tonto tries to hold it back but he cant. He projectile vomits at Vivian and Frank. CuT TO: Ext. monSTER TRUCK-DAY The spray covers Frank and Vivian in yellow puke. Tonto looks on in disbelief. Vivian and Frank stand paralysed with vomit and milk shake dripping off them. Remmy looks mildly amused. REMMY Oh jeez. that probably wont come out.. CUT TO: Int. Studio presidents office-day Randy enters the room covered in sweat. His face is red and puffy and he gasps for breath. Roberta is sitting in her chair and looking at him strangely. An ACCOUNTANT sits beside her reading the contract. RANDY Phew, traffic. (beat) killer. He falls into the chair and wipes sweat out of his eyes. He breathes heavily, scratching his crotch roughly. Roberta looks at him blankly. RANDY (CONTD) What? Roberta The script? Randy digs in his satchel and produces the script. He flings it at Roberta who is unimpressed with the delivery. Randy Cheque please! ROBERTA Mr. Nagle just has to finalize the contract. RANDY Look Bobby I got a plane to catch so can we hustle a little bit. The accountant signs the paper and hands it to Randy who signs quickly. He hands it to Roberta who is about to write when she pauses and looks at the script. ROBERTA Why did you change the title? She flicks through the first few pages. Randy looks panicked. RANDY Huh? I didnt change a thing. Roberta holds up the script to Randy. The front page says Pooky goes potty. Its Vivians script. Randy is dumbstruck. He picks his bag up and empties the contents out onto the floor. Half eaten sandwiches and candy bars fall out. A well worn playboy falls out. No script. Roberta fumes. RANDY (CONTD) Fuck! RobertA You better clean that up Randy/ Randy sees the cheque on the table. He pushes past Roberta and snatches it. He makes a run for the door. Roberta jumps up and picks up her phone. 0002000007AA00017E537A4,RoBERTA Get me security. NOW! Cut to: Int. Studio lobby-day The gang run into the building. The receptionist stands up in protest. The police chief walks over and calms her down. He walks back to the group. Several police officers follow them. NiKKI We can take it from here Chief. Ash Yea, its personal. CUT TO: Montage The gang split up. Nikki and Ash run up the stairs. Tonto, Madge and Chip take the elevator. Madge starts flossing. Tonto is fascinated by the telephone and tries talking into it. Chip snaps a photo of Tonto and Madge who pose obligingly. CUT TO: Int. Stairs-day Ash and Nikki run up the stairs energetically. They get to the second flight and are exhausted. Ash takes a puff of her inhaler. Nikki takes her pink heels off and rubs her feet. They admire each others shoes and try them on. CuT TO: Int. STUDIO LOBBY-DAY Clint hasnt moved from his position. He takes out a cigar and lights it up. The receptionist is about to protest but a look from Clint silences her. He walks outside and climbs into the monster truck. He takes a drag on his cigar and starts the engine. He drives slowly over Randys hybrid, crushing it to a pulp. He reverses and drives over it again until the car is completely flat. CUT TO: Int. Studio corridor-day Roberta and three security men walk briskly down the corridor. Roberta glances at the window to the stairwell and sees a head flash past. She stops suddenly and the security men all plough into her. They fall in a heap like dominos. CUT TO: Int. StAIRS-DAY Randy bursts through a fire door onto the stairs. He rushes down them two at a time. He looks over the edge and sees Ash and Nikki making their way up. They spot him and run. He turns back and runs upstairs. Cut to: Int. Elevator-day Madge, Chip and Tonto are still in the elevator. Madge sees the button for the roof terrace and presses it excitedly. Chip is wearing Tontos clothes and poses for photos. CUT TO: Ext. Roof terrace-day 000200000BDD000185F7BD7,Randy bursts onto the roof terrace. He looks around for an escape. He runs to the side and sees a fire escape 10 feet down. He runs back toward the door. Ash and Nikki burst through. Ash bends over totally out of breath. Nikki looks pumped. NIKKI Its over Randy, weve got the script. Randy edges back to the side of the building. RANDY I was just looking after your best interests. You should be thanking me. NiKKI You stole our film! You thought youd find two naive Irish girls who wouldn't know the first thing about the business. RANDY And oh look I did. Its a cut-throat business Vicki, No-body cares about anyone else. Ive taught you a valuable lesson. Id love to stay and chat but I have to be somewhere. Later. Randy sits on the edge and jumps down to the fire escape. Nikki runs to the edge and is terrified by the height. Ash is still getting her breath back. She walks clumsily over but doesnt go to the edge. Nikki looks at Ash imploringly. AsH Im sorry (beat) too high, (beat) I cant do it. Nikki sits on the edge of the building. She sees Randy climbing down the fire exit. She jumps down to the fire exit. She lands in a heap but gets up quickly. Ash looks down from the roof. Ash (CONTD) Oh my God, are you OK? Nikki gives the thumbs up and proceeds to climb down taking long deep breaths. Madge, Tonto and Chip walk out onto the roof terrace. They go to where Ash is and look down. ChIP GET HIM NIKKI! Madge GET THAT MONGREL. Nikki is having trouble climbing down. She takes off her shoes and kisses them. NIKKI Im sorry, it wasnt meant to be like this. She throws the shoes down at Randy. They clip him round the head. He loses his grip and slides down the ladder. He tries to get up. Nikki closes her eyes and lets go. NiKKI (CONTD) OH JESUS CHRIST She lands on Randy and knocks him out. She sits up groggily and looks down at Randy. The gang cheer from the roof. NiKKI (CONTD) Pretty awesome huh! CuT TO: EXT. dublin city centre-day One year later. The streets are deserted. It looks like a ghost town. A horse grazes some grass and walks casually around the city centre. A lone elderly American couple stand in the middle of the road. They have Irish hats and T-shirts on and cameras round their necks. They look around in confusion. Husband Maybe they had another famine. Cut TO: Int. Airplane-day Nikki and Ash are asleep in their first class seats. A POLICEMAN approaches them and wakes them up. Ash looks distraught. AsH Look, it was a joke, all I said was you didnt check my wooden leg, I dont even have a wooden leg. POLICEMAN Could you both follow me please. He leads them to the open door of the plane. They squint in the sunshine. Suddenly a huge cheer goes up. They look out and see a crowd of thousands waiting for them. There is a billboard advertising the film Galway Storm. It has Clint Eastwood and Tonto in a dramatic pose on it. Ash opens her bag grinning broadly. She grabs Nikkis hand and they raise the Oscar in the air to the roar of the crowd. FADE OUT. The end 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Important!# Information?" 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