This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
DISCLAIMER
I do not own own any rights to the television show "Buffy
the Vampire Slayer". They were created by Joss Whedon and
belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui
Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB
Television Network.
First Draft by Kenney Ponsaert.
Season 1 Episode 1
On a black screen the title:
"Oh my God, Duffy kills vampires!"
Appears. While it fades the subtitle:
"Welcome to the Hellmouth"
Appears.
MAN (V.O.)
In every generation there is a
Chosen One. He alone will stand
against the machines and... No
wait, that's another story.
We hear someone searching through papers, mumbling
something about the "Damn Wachowski Brothers and their
mess".
MAN (CONT'D)
Ah here it is...
He, uh..., She alone will stand
against the vampires, the demons,
the lawyers and the forces of
darkness. She is the Killer.
FADE IN:
EXT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - NIGHT
The camera pans around from the side of the building to the
main entrance.
CUT TO:
INT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL HALL - SAME TIME
The camera moves down the hall past a trophy case, in the
trophy case is a picture of a pretty girl, under it is a
golden trophy featuring two big tits, it reads "Slut of the
Year". At the library the camera turns to the right down
another hall.
CUT TO:
INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM - SAME TIME
The camera pans low along a row of desks, on one of them it
passed, there was "Emely loves John" cut into it, on
another there's "Buffy loves John too" cut into it, again
on another there's "Tim loves John also".
CUT TO:
INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM WINDOW - SAME TIME
The counter in front of them is full of various things: a
skeleton with a hat, on the hat are printed the words
"John", some vertebrae, jars of things in formaldehyde, in
one of them an alien, a skull, a vibrator and a microscope.
A fist punches against the window with a thud.
BOY (O.S.)
Awch, that hurt.
Now the same fist punches through a windowpane and reaches
in to undo the clasp. It's a boy and a girl, sneaking into
the school.
GIRL (O.S.)
Are you sure this is a good idea?
BOY
It's the best idea I've ever
had..., Well after my brilliant
idea to mix Red Bull with viagra
though.
(beat)
Now come on.
They crawl in. The girl's name is Charline, she looks very
gothic-like.
CUT TO:
INT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL HALL - A BIT LATER
They come out of the classroom and walk down the hall.
CHARLINE
Do you go to school here?
BOY
Sometimes, and when it's the Gym
lessons, I always climb up the
Gym, you can see the whole town
from there.
(beat)
But I don't care and smoke weed
up there though.
He continues down the hall, but she stops him close to the
intersection.
CHARLINE
(hesitating)
I, I, I-
BOY
Your record is hanging.
CHARLINE
I don't wanna go up there.
BOY
Aw, you want to do it right here
huh, you naughty little girl.
CHARLINE
We're just gonna get in trouble.
BOY
(sure of himself)
Oh yeah, you can count on that.
The Boy was just about to zip his pants open when Charline
startles, draws a quick breath and turns her head around to
look down the hall.
CHARLINE
What was that?
BOY
What was what?
CHARLINE
I heard a noise.
BOY
Oh that, I just farted, didn't
thought you could hear it.
CHARLINE
No, no, it wasn't that, maybe
it's something else.
BOY
(Watches his pants)
Or maybe it's some thing!
CHARLINE
That's not funny.
BOY
Hey baby, I didn't write it.
He looks down the other hall.
BOY
Hellooooo!
(to Charline)
See?! There's nobody here.
CHARLINE
Are you sure?
(looks away)
BOY
Yes, I'm a 50% sure.
CHARLINE
Good enough.
She turns back to him all vamped out. She growls.
BOY
(watching his pants)
Oh yeah baby, I know you can't
wait, let me unzip these pants
first.
She bites him. He screams like a girl as they sink to the
floor.
WHEN THE CAMERA IS LEAVING THE HALL WE HEAR SLURPING.
CUT TO:
OPENING CREDITS ROLL. LIMB BIZKIT - NOOKIE PLAYS. WE SEE
FLASHES FROM VAMPIRES, CLOWNS, HAPPY KIDS, SAD KIDS, AND
THE CAST, ALL WITH A FAKE SMILE ON THEIR FACE.
CUT TO:
INT. DUFFY'S ROOM - MORNING
We see her from above, lying in her bed, she's a
stereotypical teen who's hot as butter but not popular.
She's moving and sweating because she's having a nightmare,
we see shocking visions of the Bastard's lair, the
cemetery, a bunny in a field, the Bastard, vampires and
other demons, various events like a white pidgeon flying in
slow-motion, then gets shot and then a couple of shots of
various artifacts. Her eyes open up quite suddenly.
DUFFY
(with a fresh smile)
Oh, that was a cute bunny!
MIEKE (O.S.)
Duffy?
DUFFY
(while sitting up)
I'm up, Mom!
MIEKE (O.S.)
Don't wanna be late for your
first day!
DUFFY
(to herself)
Actually I want to...
CUT TO:
EXT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - HALF AN HOUR LATER
The camera pans from the street to the main building.
CUT TO:
EXT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - SAME TIME
We see Mieke pulling up to the school in her Jeep to drop
off Duffy.
MIEKE
Okay!
Duffy gets out.
MIEKE
Have a good time now. I know
you're gonna make friends right
away, just do it.
Right at this point someone with clothes from Nike, is
passing by behind Mieke's window, he shows his Nike logo
willingly, Mieke gives a thumbs up right at the camera.
Duffy looks through the open car door and gives her mother
a quick nod. She turns to go and closes the door behind
her.
MIEKE
And honey?
Duffy looks back at her mom again.
MIEKE
Try not to get kicked out for
drinking alcohol in school and
trying to seduce a teacher while
being drunk?
DUFFY
(putting away her bottle
of whisky)
I promise.
MIEKE
Okay.
Duffy faces the school and lets out a deep breath. Mieke
drives off.
CUT TO:
EXT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - SAME TIME
We see Xaver, a stereotypical teen that listens to rock and
punk, doing his usual bob, weave and knocking people over
through the crowd on his skateboard.
XAVER
'Scuse me, comin' through, pardon
me, 'scuse me, shit sorry! 'Scuse
me, not sure how to stop! Please
move, whoa, 'scuse me...
(notices Duffy)
Whoa!
He stares at her and doesn't notice that he's headed right
for the stair railing. He crashes into it and falls beneath
it, grunting in pain, he tries to get up, but someone steps
on him, he lets out a grunt again, he tries to get up
again, but again someone steps on him.
XAVER
(in pain)
Next time watch where you step
dude.
The "dude" heard him, turns around.
DUDE
Oh I'm sorry.
He returns and steps on Xaver again right on the crotch,
Xaver screams it out in pain, the "dude" leaves.
Pillow, a stereotypical good looking nerdy girl, walks up
and has to step high to avoid tripping over his legs.
XAVER
(with a peeping voice)
I'm Okay. I feel good,
(feeling his pants)
and thank God I still have those.
She looks down at him, smiling and pulling her hair behind
her ear.
XAVER
(sees her)
Pillow! You're so very much the
person that I wanted to see!
(gets up)
PILLOW
(wondering)
Really?
They start walking toward the school.
XAVER
Yeah. You know, I kinda had a
problem with the math.
PILLOW
(slightly disappointed)
Oh..., which part?
XAVER
The math, you know, the 1 + 1
stuff. Can you help me out
tonight, pleeeease, be my study
buddy?
PILLOW
(getting hope again)
Well, what's in it for me?
XAVER
A shiny nickel!
PILLOW
(disappointed again)
Okay. Do you have 'Theories in
Trig'? You should check it out.
XAVER
Check the what out?
PILLOW
Down at the library, you know,
where the books live.
XAVER
(with disbelief)
Do books life?
PILLOW
No, no, silly, the library is
just the place where they keep
all sorts of books.
XAVER
Right, okay , I'm there! See, I
wanna change...
CUT TO:
INT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL HALL - SAME TIME
We see Pissey, he looks like the Sherminator from the
American Pie movie, zits and red hair, approaching Xaver
and Pillow.
PISSEY
Hey, hey!
XAVER
Hey, Pissey, what's what?
PISSEY
New Girl!
XAVER
That's right, I saw her. Pretty
much a hottie!
PILLOW
I heard she got transferred
because she got kicked out of her
last school.
XAVER
So tell!
PISSEY
Tell what?
XAVER
What's the stitch, what do ya
know about her?
PISSEY
New girl!
XAVER
Well, you're certainly a font of
nothing!
CUT TO:
INT. PRINCIPAL LOONEY'S OFFICE - SAME TIME
We see Principal Looney printed on the office door mirrored
for us. Duffy is seated. He, late forties and an eccentric
lunatic, has her school records and walks around the desk
to his chair as he looks them over. The room is filled with
smoke but we can't see any cigarettes, the windows are
covered, only on some spots the sun shines in.
MR. LOONEY
Duffy Winters, sophomore, late of
Herbery High in Los Angeles.
Interesting record, quite a
career... wow have you done that
with your teacher?
(reading further)
Uhu, yeah nice, mkay, ... Ah we
can fix that...
He sits, takes the sheet he's reading and tears it into
four pieces, then puts it in his mouth and swallows it.
MR. LOONEY
Welcome to Icydale! A clean
slate, Duffy, that's what you
get here. What's past is past.
We're not interested in what it
says on a piece of paper, even if
it says...
(reads)
'drink and sex-party'
DUFFY
Mr. Looney-
MR. LOONEY
All the kids here are free to
call me Pimp.
DUFFY
Pimp-
MR. LOONEY
But they don't.
He spits out the torn sheet he has swallowed before and
begins reassembling it.
DUFFY
I know my transcripts are a
little... colorful, they even
have a video "Duffy the Teacher
Layer" or something.
MR. LOONEY
Heeey... We're not caring about
that. Do you think, uh,
'colorful' is the word?
(tapes the paper)
Not, uh, 'dismal'?
DUFFY
Wasn't that bad!
MR. LOONEY
You burned down the gym while
having a wild sex-party in it,
with alcohol and pot included.
DUFFY
(exhales)
I did, I really did, but...
You're not seeing the big
picture here, I mean, that gym
was full of vampi... asbestos.
MR. LOONEY
Buffy, don't worry. Any other
school they might say 'watch
your step', or 'we'll be watching
you' you know, the Big Brother
stuff... But, that's just not the
way here. We want to service your
needs, and help you to respect
our needs. And if your needs and
our needs don't mesh, then our
needs together will be perfectly
fine and have needs kids with
each other... You know what I'm
trying to say?
He puts the poorly repaired sheet back into her file and
slaps it shut. She gives him a thin, nervous smile.
CUT TO:
INT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - SAME TIME
Duffy comes out of Mr. Looney's office. She opens her bag
and rummages through it as she walks into the hall right in
front of a girl and a boy. The girl bumps into her, making
her lose her grip on the bag and spill its contents.
DUFFY
Oh! Sorry!
GIRL
Next time watch out, you stupid
bitch.
The girl walks off, Duffy watches her.
DUFFY
(looks down at the mess)
Oh...
Xaver hears the noise, looks back, quickly comes over and
squats down next to her to help her gather her things.
XAVER
Can I do dirty stuff with you?
She gives him a confused look.
XAVER
Uhm...
(chuckles)
I meant, can I help you pick up
that stuff from the dirty ground?
DUFFY
(smiles)
Thanks.
XAVER
I don't know you, do I?
DUFFY
I'm Duffy. I'm new.
XAVER
Xaver. Is, is me. Hi.
(smiles and waves)
DUFFY
Um, thanks.
They finish gathering up everything.
XAVER
Well, uh, maybe I'll see you
around... maybe at school...
since we... both... go there.
DUFFY
Great!
(they stand up)
It was nice to meet you.
She starts down the hall.
XAVER
(unimpressed with
himself)
We both go to school. Very suave.
Very not pathetic.
He notices a stake still on the floor.
XAVER
Oh, hey!
(picks it up)
Hey, you forgot your... stake!
Duffy doesn't hear him and continues down the hall. Xaver
holds on to the stake.
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM - SOME TIME LATER
The teacher writes "The Black Death" on the board and then
turns to the class.
TEACHER
It's estimated that about twenty
five million people died in
that one four-year span. But the
fun part of the Black Plague is
that it originated in Europe how?
Bordelia, the hot and slutty type, is taking notes. So is
Duffy, seated next to her, but she appears to be taking
notes too, on a different angle we see her doodling
vampires having intercourse with each other.
TEACHER (CONT'D)
As an early form of germ warfare
by nazi rats. If you'll look at
the map on page sixty-three you
can trace the spread of the
disease into Rome, and then
north...
Duffy doesn't have a book and looks around for help.
Bordelia notices and shares her book.
DUFFY
(to Bordelia)
Thanks.
TEACHER
And this popular plague, does
anyone want to share a thought
about it? Anyone? ... Quentin?
We see Quentin lowering his hand, he's like a mini Quentin
Tarantino.
QUENTIN
Well the nazi rats wanted to go
and take over the world with
their plan, who was thought of by
Ritler, the fuhrer under the
rats, but they got masterfully
stopped by medicines, so in
closing we actually need doctors
and shit, to prevent a world rat
attack part II, those inglorious
bastards must be stopped right
away. You see? We see most of
them gather in McDonalds talking
about their plans, did you know
that Ronald McDonald actually
finances them rats? It's all part
of a conspiracy, I've been
informed by a former police
drugrat, who is now undercover
with the nazi rats. Any minute
now he can be discovered, and
that's fucked up, you know what
I'm saying, fucked up. By the
way, I would like to add, The
Hulk, you know he's not our kind
of superhero, he was born like
that, so Bruce Banner is his
suit, that's an interesting part
also, he has no suit even
Superman has a suit.
TEACHER
The first part okay, but I don't
get where you are going with your
Bulk sh-
The bell rings and the students get up to leave.
BORDELIA
(to Duffy)
Hi! I'm Bordelia.
(offers her hand)
DUFFY
(accepts it)
I'm Duffy.
BORDELIA
If you're looking for a textbook
of your very own you can probably
steal a few in the library.
DUFFY
Oh, great, thanks.
(they get up)
Where would that be?
BORDELIA
I'll show you, come on.
(they start out of the
classroom)
So you're from Herbery, right? In
L.A.?
DUFFY
Uh, yeah.
BORDELIA
Oh, I would kill to live in L.A.
That close to that many pimps,
whom I can work for?
Duffy has to laugh as they go into the hall.
CUT TO:
INT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL HALL - SAME TIME
We see the two of them walking down another part of the
hall.
BORDELIA
Well, you'll be okay here. If you
hang with me and these,
(points at her breasts)
you'll be accepted in no time. Of
course, we do have to test your
coolness factor. You're from
L.A., so you can skip the
written, but let's see. Vamp...
nail polish.
DUFFY
Um, over?
BORDELIA
So over. George W. Bush.
DUFFY
He needs to go back to school.
BORDELIA
Lollipops.
DUFFY
Tasty.
BORDELIA
Bill Gates.
DUFFY
The Devil.
BORDELIA
I was going to say ubernerd,
but... you passed!
DUFFY
Oh, goody!
They turn toward a drinking fountain. Pillow is there. She
straightens up and sees them coming.
BORDELIA
Pillow! Nice dress! Good to know
you've seen the softer side of
Sears.
PILLOW
Uh, oh, well, my dad picked it
out.
BORDELIA
(sarcastically)
No wonder you're such a guy
magnet. Are you done?
Pillow looks at the fountain, then back at Bordelia.
PILLOW
Oh..
She turns and leaves. Duffy watches her go for a moment,
then looks back at Bordelia, who's taking out the handle of
the fountain like a shower, and sprays herself with water,
she wears white clothes, she puts the handle back, then in
slow-motion she swings with her hair, her breasts kinda
move along. Some guys are walking by in slow-motion, we
hear heavy cheering sound in slow-motion, and drool
dripping out of some of their mouths, also in slow-mo. Back
to real speed.
BORDELIA
You wanna fit in here, the first
rule is: know your losers. Once
you can identify them all by
sight
(glances after Pillow)
they're a lot easier to avoid.
Duffy lets out a nervous laugh and nods. She looks at
Pillow again, who has gone through the door at the end of
the hall. Pillow looks back at them before she continues.
CUT TO:
INT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL HALL - SAME TIME
We appear to be in another area in the halls. The two of
them continue their walk to the library.
BORDELIA
And if you're not too swamped
with catching up you should
come by the Place to get Drunk
and Fucked tonight.
DUFFY
(shocked)
The what!?
BORDELIA
"The Place to get Drunk and
Fucked." It's the only club worth
going to around here. They let
anybody in, but it's still the
scene. It's in the bad part of
town.
DUFFY
And where's that?
(stops outside the
library doors)
BORDELIA
Not in the good part of town.
(laughing)
We don't have a whole lot of town
here. But, um, you should show!
DUFFY
Well, I'll try.
(looks toward the
library)
Uh, thanks.
BORDELIA
Good. So, um, I'll see you in
gym, and you can tell me
absolutely everything there is to
know about you.
(waves and goes)
DUFFY
(waves back)
Great!
(to herself)
Oh, that sounds like fun, NOT.
She goes into the library.
CUT TO:
INT. LIBRARY - SAME TIME
Duffy comes in and looks around. It looks deserted.
DUFFY
Hello?
(continues in)
Is anybody here?
She looks at the book checkout counter and sees a
newspaper. A picture has been circled. The caption above it
reads "Local Boys Still Missing.", there's also another one
circled, the caption reads "Local Slut Breaks Guiness
Record." Igor (looks almost exactly as Herbert West, from
Re-Animator but has the voice of the stereotypical Igor
from many of the Frankenstein B-movies) comes up behind her
and taps her on the shoulder. She spins around, startled.
DUFFY
Eek!
(exhales)
Anybody's here!
IGOR
Can I help you, miss.
DUFFY
I was looking for some, well,
books to ste.. To, to borrow. I'm
new.
IGOR
Miss Winters?
DUFFY
Good call! Guess I'm the only new
kid, huh?
IGOR
I'm Mr. Igor. The librarian. I
was told of your coming.
He heads around behind the counter.
DUFFY
Great! So, um, I'm gonna need
'Perspectives on 20th Century...'
IGOR
(interrupting)
I know what you're after!
With a big grin on his face he pulls out a magazine, with
the word "PLAYBOY" written on top of the cover. Duffy
watches him with a suspicious look on her face.
IGOR
(realizing what he is
holding)
Oh uh, wrong, uh, book.
He replaces it with a large old book with the word "VAMPYR"
written in gold leaf on the front cover. Duffy looks up at
him with an uneasy gaze.
DUFFY
That's NOT what I'm looking for.
IGOR
Are you sure, miss.
DUFFY
As sure as there were dinosaurs
roaming this planet.
IGOR
(confused)
My mistake then, I guess.
He puts the book back behind the counter. Duffy quickly
leaves.
IGOR
(straightening back up)
So, what is it you said...
He sees her go out of the library. Their first encounter
leaves him puzzled.
CUT TO:
INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM - SOME TIME LATER
Two beautiful girls are discussing Duffy.
APHRODISIAC
Oh, that new kid? She seems to be
kind of a weirdo to me. What kind
of name is Duffy anyways?
A girl enters the room.
GIRL
Hey, Aphrodisiac!
APHRODISIAC
Oh, Hey!
AURORA
Well, the word of mouth is that
she got kicked out of her last
school, and that's why her mom
had to get a new job.
The girls work the combinations to their gym lockers.
Aphrodisiac has a 6-6-6 combination.
APHRODISIAC
Neg!
AURORA
Pos! She was starting fights!
APHRODISIAC
Neg-ly!
AURORA
(opening her locker)
Well I heard from Pink, and she
said that...
The dead boy falls out of her locker. She screams.
AURORA
(looking into her
mirror)
Look at my hair,
(to another girl, who's
really shocked)
Did I walk like this all day?
FADE TO:
EXT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL QUAD - SOME TIME LATER
Pillow is sitting on a bench in front of a wall, where the
words "ALL YOUR BASE BELONG TO NAZI RATS" are sprayed upon,
she's taking out her lunch. Duffy approaches her.
DUFFY
Uh, Hi! Blanket, right?
PILLOW
(looks up)
Why? I-I mean, hi! Uh, did you
want me to move, oh and uh, it's
Pillow.
DUFFY
I see we started off with a wrong
foot here.
Pillow watches her left foot, and moves it a bit.
DUFFY
Why don't we just start with,
'Hi, I'm Buffy,' and, uh, then
let's segue directly into me
asking you for a favor.
(sits next to her)
It doesn't involve moving, but it
does involve hanging out with me
for a while.
PILLOW
(beat)
But, but.. aren't you hanging out
with Bordelia and her breasts?
DUFFY
I can't do both?
PILLOW
Not legally.
DUFFY
(exhales)
Look, I really wanna get by here,
new school, and... Bordelia's
been really nice... to me...
anyway, but, um, I kinda have
this burning desire not to flunk
all my classes, and I heard a
rumor that you were the person to
talk to if I wanted to get caught
up.
PILLOW
Oh, I could totally help you out!
Uh, if you're not into your
periods, we could meet in the
library?
DUFFY
Or not. Or we could meet
someplace quieter.. LOUDER,
louder. Uh, that place just kinda
gives me the wiggins.
PILLOW
Oh, it has that effect on most
kids. I love it, though, it's a
great collection, and the new
librarian is really cool.
DUFFY
He's new?
PILLOW
Yeah, he just started. He was
from an Asylum or something, I'm
not sure. But he knows
everything, and he brought all
these historical volumes and
biographies, and... am I the
single dullest person alive?
DUFFY
(almost sleeping)
Not at all.
Xaver hops up onto the wall behind the girls, but lands on
it with his crotch.
XAVER
(holding his crotch,
with the peeping voice)
Oh, no, not again.
He recovers and sits on it between them. Pissey stands in
front of them and drops his bag.
PISSEY
Hey! Hey! New girl!
XAVER
You guys busy? Are we
interrupting? We're interrupting
aren't we? Or we were, or what,
interrupting what, or who, or ...
Shit nevermind.
He tosses his bag to Pissey.
DUFFY
Hey!
PILLOW
Hey!
PISSEY
(ignoring Pillow)
Hey there New girl!
He drops Xaver's bag next to his own.
PILLOW
Duffy, this is Pissey and that's Xaver.
XAVER
Oh, me and Duffy go waaay back,
old friends we were once, I I
even had a crush on her, ain't
that a bitch? Yes very close.
Then there's that period of
estrangement where I think we
were both growing as people but
she probably thought I was a
complete moron, but now here we
are, like old times, I'm quite
moved.
(removes a tear from his
eyes)
PISSEY
Is it me, or are you turning into
one sad fuck?
XAVER
No, it's, uh, it's not you.
DUFFY
Well, it's nice to meet you guys,
I think.
(giving Xaver an awkward
look)
Xaver jumps down to retrieve the stake from his bag.
PISSEY
Well, you know, we wanted to
welcome ya, make ya feel at home,
unless you have a scary home...
XAVER
And to return this.
(holds up the stake)
The only thing I can think is
that either you're building a
really little fence or you're
real nasty in bed.
(hands it to her)
DUFFY
(takes it)
Hah, no, um, a-a-actually it was
for self-defense.
(beat)
Everyone has them in L.A. Pepper
spray is just so passé.
Xaver suddenly spits a few times on the ground then wipes
his mouth with his sleeve.
XAVER
(beat)
So what do you do for fun, what
do you like, what do you look for
in a man, let's hear it.
PISSEY
If you have any dark, painful
secrets you'd like us to publish?
DUFFY
Gee, everyone wants to know about
me. How keen.
XAVER
Well, not much goes on in a one
Starbucks town like Icydale.
You're pretty big
(looks at her breasts)
News...
DUFFY
I'm not. Really.
BORDELIA
(interrupts)
Are these nerds bothering you?
DUFFY
Uh, no!
PILLOW
She's not hanging out with us, I
swear.
PISSEY
(stands next to
Bordelia, watching her
breasts)
Hey you guys!
(looks up)
And Bordelia!
BORDELIA
(to Pissey)
Oh, please don't even bother!
(to Duffy)
I don't mean to interrupt your
steps downward society, but I
just wanted to tell you that you
won't be meeting Coach Floster,
the woman with the chest hair and
balls, because gym was canceled
due to the extreme dead guy in
the locker.
DUFFY
What?
PILLOW
She has balls?
BORDELIA
Some guy was stuffed in Aurora's
locker!
PISSEY
Dead?
BORDELIA
No, he was stuffed in it alive...
Duh? Dead.
XAVER
It's not just a little dead,
then?
BORDELIA
Don't you have to be in de ladies
room somewhere jacking off?
PISSEY
Y'know, if you need a shoulder to
cry on, or just to kiss something
more down from there...
DUFFY
How did he die?
BORDELIA
What, is it the national dumb
question day today? I didn't kill
him.
DUFFY
Well, were there any marks?
BORDELIA
I hope it's only once a year...
Morbid much! I didn't ask, he was
dead.
DUFFY
(looks at everyone)
Um, I gotta book. I'll, I'll see
you guys later.
She grabs her things and leaves. Bordelia stares after her.
BORDELIA
What's her deal?
CUT TO:
EXT. GYM - SOME TIME LATER
Duffy sneaks up to an outside entrance. It's locked. She
uses her strength to try and break the door, her foot slams
against it, she freezes for a sec.
DUFFY
Awch, hurts! Hurts!
After jumping a few times she does it again with her other
foot, the door breaks and she goes in, looking around to
make sure no one sees her.
CUT TO:
INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM - SAME TIME
Duffy finds the body and pulls back the sheet. She sees two
big bloody holes in the neck.
BUFFY
Oh, great!
CUT TO:
INT. LIBRARY - SOME TIME LATER
Duffy barges in.
BUFFY
Okay, what's the stitch?
IGOR
(in the stacks)
Excuse me miss?
DUFFY
You heard about the dead guy,
right?
IGOR
(steps into the light,
serious)
You mean Elvis?
DUFFY
Elvis?.. No I meant the dead guy
in the locker.
IGOR
Is Elvis in a locker?
DUFFY
No! The dead guy from this
school, who was found in a locker
this day.
IGOR
Oh that one, yes my miss, I've
hear about him.
She drops her bag on the study table and heads up the
stairs.
DUFFY
'Cause, it's the weirdest thing
you know. He's got two little,
little -
IGOR
Oh please, it's not the size that
matters, it's how you use it.
DUFFY (CONT'D)
What? ... I was talking about the
holes in his neck, and all his
blood's been drained.
(meets him)
Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you
just going, what the fuck, on
this?
IGOR
I was afraid of this.
DUFFY
Well, I wasn't! It's my first
day! I was afraid that I was
gonna be behind in all my
classes, that I wouldn't make any
friends, that I would have last
month's hair. I didn't think
there'd be fucking vampires on
campus. And to be fully honest, I
don't care.
IGOR
Then why are you here, miss?
DUFFY
To tell you that... I don't care,
which... I don't, and... have now
told you, so... bye.
(turns away to go)
IGOR
Is he, w-will he... rise again?
DUFFY
(turns back)
Elvis is dead, get over it.
IGOR
I mean the Boy.
DUFFY
No. He's just dead.
IGOR
Can you be sure?
DUFFY
To make you a vampire they have
to suck your blood. And then you
have to suck their blood. It's
like a whole big sucking thing.
Mostly they're just gonna kill
you. Why am I still talking to
you?
Duffy turns and goes down the stairs. Igor moves over to
the railing.
IGOR
You really have no idea what's
going on, do you? You think it's
coincidence, your being here?
That boy was just the beginning
miss.
DUFFY
Oh, why can't you people just
leave me alone?
IGOR
Because you are the Killer.
(comes down the stairs)
Into each generation a Killer is
born, one girl in all the world,
the Chosen One, one born with the
strength and skill to hunt the
vampires...
DUFFY
(interrupts and joins
in)
...with the strength and skill to
hunt the vampires, to stop the
spread of their evil bla fucking
bla... I've heard it, okay? It
sounds like a bad Ozzy Osbourne
song.
IGOR
I really don't understand this
attitude. You, you've accepted
your duty, you, you've killed
vampires before... And all Ozzy
Osbourne's "songs" are bad.
BUFFY
Yeah, and I've both been there
and done that, and I'm moving on.
IGOR
What do you know about this town?
(goes into his office)
DUFFY
It's a landing place for aliens?
Who cares, really?
IGOR (O.S.)
Dig a bit in the history of this
place. You'll find a, a steady
stream of fairly odd occurrences.
Now, I believe this whole area is
a center of mystical energy,
(comes back in screen
with four books)
that things gravitate towards it
that, that, that you might not
find elsewhere except on bad
trips.
(sets them on the table)
DUFFY
Like vampires and muslims.
He puts the volumes into Duffy's arms one by one as he
lists off various monsters and demons.
IGOR
Like zombies, the fast ones and
the furious slow ones,
werewolves, wereducks, incubi,
succubi, Ben Affleck everything
you've ever dreaded was under
your bed, but told yourself
couldn't be by the light of day.
They're all real!
DUFFY
What? You, like, sent away for
the Time-Life series?
IGOR
Ah, w-w-w-yes.
DUFFY
Did you get the free phone?
IGOR
Um, I got nothing from those
pigs!
DUFFY
That's fuckin rip-off! But, okay,
(gives back the books)
first of all, I'm a Vamp Killer.
And secondly, I'm retired. Hey, I
know! Why don't you slay 'em?
IGOR
I-I'm a Stalker, I-I haven't the
skill...
DUFFY
Oh, come on, stake through the
heart, a little sunlight, garlic
added to your breath... It's like
taking a nap.
IGOR
A, a Killer kills, a Stalker...
DUFFY
...stalks?
IGOR
Yes. No!
(sets down the books)
He, he trains her, he, he, he
prepares her...
DUFFY
Prepares me for what? For getting
kicked out of school? For
losing all of my friends? For
having to spend all of my time
fighting for my life and never
getting to tell anyone because I
might endanger them? Go ahead!
Prepare me.
They just look at each other for a moment. Duffy exhales,
turns and leaves the library in disgust. Igor hesitates for
an instant.
IGOR
(to himself)
Did that went well?
He shakes his head after a couple of seconds and runs after
Duffy. Xaver slowly walks out from behind the stacks.
XANDER
(with disbelief)
What... Ben Affleck is a monster?
CUT TO:
INT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL HALL - SOME TIME LATER
Igor catches up with Duffy.
IGOR
Awww it's getting worse!
DUFFY
What's getting worse?
He guides her over to the wall and speaks with her in a low
voice.
IGOR
The rash between my legs, but
that's not the point, look the
point is that the influx of the
undead, the... supernatural
occurrences, it's been building
for years. There's a reason why
you're here and a reason why it's
now!
DUFFY
Because now is the time my mom
moved here.
She tries to evade him, but he puts his arm out to stop
her, accidentally slapping her in the face.
IGOR
Oops.
(beat)
Something's coming, something,
something... something is, is
gonna happen here. Soon!
DUFFY
Wow, you don't need to rub it in
my face.
IGOR
The signs, as far a I can tell,
point to a crucial mystical
upheaval, very soon. Days.
Possibly less.
DUFFY
Sounds like a Night movie to me.
But, come on! This is Icydale!
How bad an evil can there be
here?
CUT TO:
EXT. ICYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - SAME TIME
The camera descends behind some bushes and sinks through
the ground into the lair of the Bastard. There are candles
everywhere. Vampires bearing torches are gathering. The
camera moves around the lair as Puke chants and eventually
comes to rest on him.
PUKE
(singing, like a queer)
The sleeper will wake. The
sleeper will wake. The sleeper
will wake. The sleeper will wake,
and the world will
bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed. Amen! And I
love him!
FADE TO:
INT. DUFFY'S ROOM - EVENING
She's considering what to wear to the "The Place to get
Drunk and Fucked." She holds a shiny black outfit up to the
mirror.
DUFFY
Hi! I'm an enormous slut who
takes up to 50 guys a minute.
(holds up a clown
costume)
Hi! I'm Duffy the clown, and I
can smile all night!
(big grin for a minute,
then exhales, then
takes an Elvis costume,
with mask)
Ahohu.
(snaps with her figers,
and points at a mirror,
then lowers the dress
and exhales)
I used to be so good at this.
Her mother comes into the room.
MIEKE
Hi, hun.
Duffy returns her dresses to the closet.
DUFFY
Hey!
MIEKE
Are you, uh, going out tonight?
DUFFY
Yeah, I'm going to The Pl... Um..
a club.
MIEKE
Oh. Will there be boys there?
DUFFY
No, Mom. There will be little
green men... Yes there will be
boys..
MIEKE
Well, just be careful.
DUFFY
I will.
MIEKE
You know, I think we can make it
work here. I've got my positive
energy flowing... I'm gonna get
the Gallery on its feet... Oh,
uh, we may have found a space
today.
DUFFY
(totally not paying
attention)
That's great.
MIEKE
Oh, and that school is a, a very
nurturing environment, which is
just what you need, don't try to
burn it down.
DUFFY
Well, actually...
MIEKE
Oh, not too nurturing. I know,
you're sixteen, I've read all
about the dangers of over
nurturing.
Duffy goes to her bed and lays out a couple of outfits.
MIEKE
It's hard. New town and
everything...
It is for me, too, although I
don't have as much screening
time. I'm trying to make it work.
(takes her daughter's
hands in hers)
I'm going to make it work.
DUFFY
I know.
MIEKE
Oh, you're a good girl, Duffy,
(pats her on the head)
you just fell in with the wrong
crowd. But that is all behind us
now.
DUFFY
It is. From now on I am only
going to hang out with the
living.
(they let go of their
hands, and she picks up
her dresses)
I mean, lively. People.
Duffy heads back to her closet with an awkward look on her
face.
MIEKE
Hmm. Okay. You have fun.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - LATER THAT EVENING
Duffy is walking down a dark street, when someone appears
behind her. She senses that she is being followed. After
walking for a while, when she gets a chance she ducks down
an alley and looks around for a place to hide. A cat yowls
and kicks some cans as it runs away. She spies something
above her. Demon comes into the alley but doesn't see her.
As he slowly walks along, the camera pulls up to reveal
Duffy in a handstand on a bar high above the pavement. When
Demon has passed underneath her, she swings down and kicks
him in the back. He is knocked to the ground, and Duffy
positions herself above him with a foot on his chest.
DEMON
Ah, heh. Is there a problem,
ma'am?
DUFFY
Yeah, there's a problem. Why are
you following me?
DEMON
I know what you're thinking.
DUFFY
Impossible!
DEMON
Aren't you thinking about me
being a vampire then?
DUFFY
No I'm not, I was thinking about
how much I would drink tonight.
DEMON
Oh, okay then, by the way
(points at her foot)
I don't bite.
She backs off and lets him get up, but keeps her fighting
stance.
DEMON
Truth is, I thought you'd be
taller, or bigger muscles and
could shoot fireballs from your
ass and all that. You're pretty
spry, though.
(massages his neck)
DUFFY
What do you want?
DEMON
The same thing you do.
DUFFY
(lets down her guard)
Okay. What do I want?
DEMON
(steps toward her)
To kill them. To kill them all.
DUFFY
Eeeh sorry, that's incorrect. But
you do get this lovely watch
(holds up a watch)
and a year's supply of Turtle
Wax.
(holds up a real turtle)
(beat)
What I want is to be left alone!
She starts a determined walk away.
DEMON
Do you really think that's an
option anymore? You're standing
at the Mouth of Hell. And it's
about to open.
She stops, turns to him and looks at him with a wide-eyed
gaze. He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a small box.
DEMON
Don't turn your back on this.
(tosses her the box)
You've gotta be ready.
DUFFY
What for?
DEMON
For the Harvest.
NOTE: THE TWO LINES OF DIALOGUE THAT NOW FOLLOWS SHOULD BE
SUPERMAN-LIKE.
DUFFY
Who are you?
DEMON
Let's just say... I'm a friend.
(starts to leave)
DUFFY
Yeah, well, maybe I don't want a
friend.
DEMON
(turns back)
I didn't say I was yours.
He leaves. Duffy stares after him for a moment, then opens
the box. It contains a silver cross and chain. She takes it
out, holds it in her hand and takes another glance in his
direction.
DUFFY
(softly)
Vampires giving away crosses,
what the fuck is wrong with this
town.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE PLACE TO GET DRUNK AND FUCKED - SOME TIME LATER
People are arriving and meeting. Duffy is wearing the cross
around her neck. She walks up to the entrance, gives the
big strong looking doorman some cash
DOORMAN
(with a tiny voice,
totally not fitting his
character)
Thank you.
Duffy goes in.
CUT TO:
INT. THE PLACE TO GET DRUNK AND FUCKED - SAME TIME
Slipknot is playing "Spit it Out" loudly, and the dance
floor is crowded with headbangers.
SLIPKNOT
Did you ever give a damn in the
first place / Maybe its time you
had the tables turned / cos in
the interest's of all involved /
i got the problem solved / AND
THE VERDICT IS GUILTY!
Buffy moves to the music a bit. She sees a guy waving in
her direction and waves back, then notices someone behind
her waving back and pulls her hand down, embarrassed.
SLIPKNOT (CONT'D)
Man nearly killed me stepping
where you fear to tread / stop
drop and roll, you were dead from
the get go / big motherfucker /
stupid cocksucker / are you
scared of me now then your dumber
than I thought.
She finds the bar and sees Pillow sitting there.
DUFFY
Hey!
PILLOW
Oh, hi!
Duffy walks around her and sits on the stool next to her.
Pillow turns to face her.
PILLOW
Hi!
DUFFY
Oh, you're here with someone?
PILLOW
No, I'm just here, alone, like a
really, really sad nerd.
(beat)
I thought Xaver was gonna show
up.
(a bit softer)
Stupid me...
DUFFY
Oh, are you guys going out?
PILLOW
No, I wish, but we're just
friends. We used to go out, but
we broke up.
DUFFY
How come?
PILLOW
I stole his Barbie.
(Duffy looks confused)
Oh, we were five.
DUFFY
Oh...
PILLOW
I-I-I don't actually date a whole
lot... lately.
DUFFY
Why not?
PILLOW
Well, when I'm with a boy I like,
it's hard for me to say anything
cool, or, or witty, or at all. I
I can usually make a few vowel
sounds, and then I have to go
away, but it's not like Kyle from
South Park luckily.
DUFFY
So It's not that bad!
PILLOW
No, i-it is. I think boys are
more interested in a girl who can
talk.
DUFFY
You really haven't been dating
lately, nowadays they just want
to take you in bed, and you have
to shut up for about five
minutes.
PILLOW
It's probably easy for you.
DUFFY
(not meaning it)
Yeah, real easy...
PILLOW
I-I mean you don't seem too shy.
DUFFY
Well, my philosophy, do you wanna
hear my philosophy?
PILLOW
Yeah, I do!
DUFFY
Life is short.
PILLOW
Life is short!
DUFFY
Not original, I'll grant you, but
it's true. You know? Why waste
time being all shy and worrying
about some guy, and if he's gonna
laugh at you. Seize the moment,
'cause tomorrow you might be
dead.
PILLOW
(with a smile on her
face)
Oh, that's nice!
Duffy looks up and sees Igor on the upper level.
DUFFY
Um, I'll be back in a minute.
(gets up to go)
PILLOW
Oh, tha-that's okay, you don't
have to come back.
DUFFY
(smiles)
I'll be back in a minute.
PILLOW
(to herself)
Seize the day... Oh that comes
from that one movie with Robin
Williams!
Duffy is making her way to the stairs. The camera follows
her up.
SLIPKNOT
FUCK ME I'M ALL OUT OF ENEMIES!
FUCK ME I'M ALL OUT OF ENEMIES!
FUCK ME I'M ALL OUT OF ENEMIES!
FUCK ME I'M ALL OUT OF ENEMIES!
FUCK ME I'M ALL OUT OF ENEMIES!
FUCK ME I'M ALL OUT OF ENEMIES!
FUCK ME I'M ALL OUT OF ENEMIES!
FUCK ME I'M ALL OUT OF ENEMIES!
DUFFY
(finds Giles)
So, you like to party with the
students. What are you, some kind
of Michael Jackson?
IGOR
Oh, right, this is me having fun.
Stalking... clown hair prance
about is hardly my idea of a
party. I'd much rather be at home
with a cup of Bovril and a good
book.
DUFFY
A good magazine you mean.
(beat)
What you need, is a personality,
stat!
IGOR
(points to the crowd
below)
This is a perfect breeding ground
for vampire activity if you have
seen Blade the movie. It's dark,
it's crowded... Besides, I knew
you were likely to show up, and I
have to make you understand...
DUFFY
...that the Harvest is coming. I
know, your friend told me.
IGOR
What did you say?
DUFFY
The Harvest. That mean something
to you? 'Cause I'm drawing a
blank.
IGOR
I'm not sure. Uh... W-who told
you this?
DUFFY
This... guy. Dark, gorgeous in an
annoying sort of way. I figured
you two were buds.
IGOR
No. The Harvest. Did he say
anything else?
DUFFY
Something about the Mouth of
Hell. I really didn't like him!
The band has finished its song and there's lots of
applause. They soon start their next song, "Snap". Igor
moves around Duffy, leans on the railing and looks down at
the crowd.
IGOR
Look at them, throwing themselves
about, completely unaware of the
danger that surrounds them.
DUFFY
Lucky them.
(beat)
They have enough problems with
AIDS and stuff, let alone
Vampires.
IGOR
Or perhaps you're right. Perhaps
there is no trouble coming, the
signs could be wrong. It's not as
though you've been having the
nightmares.
Duffy is silent.
CUT TO:
INT. THE PLACE TO GET DRUNK AND FUCKED BELOW - SAME TIME
BORDELIA
My mom doesn't even get out of
bed anymore. And the doctor says
it's Epstein-Barr.
I'm like, pleeease! It's chronic
hepatitis, or at least chronic
fatigue syndrome. I mean, nobody
cool has Epstein-Barr anymore.
Pissey spots Bordelia and comes over.
PISSEY
Hey, Bordelia!
BORDELIA
Oh, yay, it's my stalker.
(makes a face)
PISSEY
Hey, your, uh, you look great!
BORDELIA
Well, I'm glad we had this little
chat.
PISSEY
(coughs)
Listen, uh, you know, you wanna
dance, you know?
BORDELIA
(watches him from top to
toe and then back up)
With you?
PISSEY
Well, uh, yeah.
BORDELIA
Well, uh, no! C'mon, guys let's
go.
She and her friends leave. Pissey is left in the dust.
PISSEY
Fine! Plenty of other fish in the
sea. Oh, yeah, I'm... on the
prowl. Witness me prowling!
CUT TO:
INT. THE PLACE TO GET DRUNK AND FUCKED UPPER - SAME TIME
DUFFY
I didn't say I'd never kill
another vampire. It's not like I
have all these fluffy bunny
feelings for them, I'm just not
gonna get way extracurricular
with it. You know, if I see one,
sure I'll...
IGOR
(interrupting)
Will you be ready? There's so
much you don't know
about them, about your own
powers. A vampire appears to be
completely normal until the feed
is upon them, only then do they
reveal their true demonic visage.
DUFFY
Well look at you, you're like a
textbook with arms, I know this
shit.
IGOR
The point is, a Killer should be
able to see them anyway.
Without looking, without
thinking, like seeing through the
matrix, you understand me. Can
you tell me if there's a vampire
in this building?
DUFFY
Maybe...
IGOR
You should know. Even through
this mass and this... din, you
should be able to sense them.
Well, try! Reach out with your
mind.
(Duffy looks around)
You have to hone your senses,
focus until the energy washes
over you, until you, you feel
every particle o-of...
DUFFY
There's one.
IGOR
(interrupted)
W-where?
DUFFY
Right there, talking to that
girl.
IGOR
You don't know...
DUFFY
Oh, please! Look at his jacket.
He's got the sleeves rolled up,
and the shirt! Deal with that
outfit for a moment.
IGOR
It's... dated?
DUFFY
It's carbon dated. Trust me, only
someone living underground for
ten years would think that was
still the look.
IGOR
But you didn't... hone.
DUFFY
(notices that the girl
is Pillow)
Oh, no.
IGOR
Isn't that...
DUFFY
Pillow.
IGOR
I was going to say sheet but,
anyway what's she doing?
DUFFY
Seizing the moment!
She starts down to rescue Pillow.
IGOR
(to himself, thinking)
Oh isn't that like that quote
from that movie with Robin
Williams?
SLIPKNOT
I've felt the hate rise up in me
/ Kneel down and clear the stone
of leaves / I wander out where
you can't see / Inside my shell I
wait and bleed.
CUT TO:
INT. THE PLACE TO GET DRUNK AND FUCKED BELOW - SAME TIME
Pillow is being led out of the Place ... by the vampire.
E.C.U IGOR. HE'S PANICKING.
SLIPKNOT
AND IT WAITS FOR YOU!
Duffy has lost them. She tries the back. She breaks a leg
off of a stack of chairs and begins to stalk. After a while
Bordelia comes out of the restroom and surprises her. Duffy
reacts, taking Bordelia by the throat and pushing her up
against a wall.
DUFFY
(recognizing)
Bordelia!
(she lets go)
BORDELIA
God! What is your childhood
trauma?!
Her entourage appears in the restroom door behind her.
DUFFY
Have you guys seen Pillow? Did
she come by here?
BORDELIA
Why? Do you need to attack her
with the stick? Jeez!
Duffy turns and goes.
BORDELIA
(to her groupies)
Excuse me, I have to call
everyone I have ever met, right
now.
Igor catches up with Duffy.
IGOR
That was quick. Well done! I-I
need to go to the library. This
Harvest thing-
DUFFY
I didn't find them!
He grabs Duffy by the arm and turns her to face him.
IGOR
The vampire is not dead yet?
DUFFY
No, but my social life is on the
critical list.
IGOR
(lets go of her)
So, what do we do?
DUFFY
I'll take care of it!
IGOR
I-I-I need to come with you, yes?
DUFFY
Don't worry. One vampire I can
handle.
She leaves, walking past Pissey talking to a girl who looks
a lot like a vampire, white skinned, dark eyes, red lips.
PISSEY
So, um, what did you say your
name was?
DARCYLA
Darcyla Cunt.
PISSEY
Darcyla. You know, I haven't seen
you around before. Are you from
around here?
DARCYLA
No I'm from Transylvania, but I
have family here.
PISSEY
Have I met them?
DARCYLA
You probably will.
PISSEY
Sounds cool, but let's fuck
first.
CUT TO:
INT. THE BASTARD'S LAIR - SAME TIME
The Bastard rises out of the pool of blood as Puke kneels
and looks on. He steps out of the pool over to Puke and
offers his hand. Puke takes it.
PUKE
Bastard!
BASTARD
I certainly am.
BASTARD (CONT'D)
I am weak.
PUKE
(quotes scripture)
'In the Harvest he will be
restored.'
BASTARD
The Harvest.
PUKE
We're almost there. Soon you'll
be free!
The Bastard reaches his arms out, and pretends to be some
kind of bodybuilder showing his muscles.
BASTARD
I must be ready. I need my
strength.
PUKE
I've sent your servants to bring
you some food.
BASTARD
That's nice.. But Puke?
PUKE
Yes?
BASTARD
Bring me something... young, hot
and fatfree please.
CUT TO:
EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
Pillow and Dumbass are walking.
PILLOW
Sure is dark.
DUMBASS
It's night, geez, wow, you could
be Mrs. Dumbass already.
PILLOW
Well, that's a dark time, night.
Traditionally. I still can't
believe I've never seen you at
school. Do you have Mr. Fritzler
for history?
DUMBASS
Talk to the hand.
Dumbass ignores her babbling and heads into the cemetery.
PILLOW
Uh, the ice cream bar is this
way. It's past Hamilton Street?
DUMBASS
You can lick something else.
He grabs her hand and leads her into the cemetery.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE PLACE TO GET DRUNK AND FUCKED - SAME TIME
Duffy is trying to find Pillow.
XAVER
Hey, you're leaving already?
DUFFY
Oh, Xaver! Have you seen Pillow?
XAVER
Not tonight, no.
DUFFY
She left with a guy.
XAVER
We're talking about Willow,
right? Scorin' at the Place, wow
work it girl..., or wait a
minute, do they allow
transvestites in here?
DUFFY
(interrupts)
No, I need to find her. Where
would he take her?
XAVER
Why? If it's a transvestite they
would probably go to an ice cream
bar or something. Oh, hey, I hope
he's not a vampire, because then
you might have to kill him.
DUFFY
(taken aback)
Was there a... a school bulletin?
Was it i-in the newspaper?
Is there anyone in this town who
doesn't know I'm the Killer?
XAVER
No. I only know that you think
that you're the Killer, and the
reason why I know that...
DUFFY
(interrupts)
Well, whatever, it doesn't
matter, just tell me, where would
Pillow go?
XAVER
You're serious!
DUFFY
If we're not gonna find her,
there will be another dead body,
but this time delivered into your
locker by fucking fedex.
CUT TO:
EXT. CEMETERY - SAME TIME
Pillow and Dumbass are walking.
PILLOW
Oh, okay, th-this is nice... and
scary. Are you sure this is the
right way?
They reach the mausoleum.
DUMBASS
Hey! Ever been in one of these?
PILLOW
No. Thank you.
(turns away)
DUMBASS
Come on.
(comes up behind her and
pulls her hair back)
What are you afraid of, fucking
VAMPIRES?
He moves in toward her neck. She lets out a yelp as he
grabs her and pushes her into the mausoleum.
CUT TO:
INT. MAUSOLEUM - SAME TIME
Pillow trips down the stairs and stops up against the stone
coffin. She turns around.
PILLOW
That wasn't funny!
Dumbass comes down the steps. She backs away from him,
against a wall. She trips over some stones.
PILLOW
I think I'm gonna go.
DUMBASS
Is that what you think?
PILLOW
Actually I'm thinking about the
teletubbies, but that's not the
point is it?
He comes toward her again. She skirts by him, but only
because he lets her. Darcyla blocks her way out of the
mausoleum.
DARCYLA
(looks at Pillow in
disgust)
Is this the best you could do?
DUMBASS
She's fresh!
DARCYLA
Hardly enough to share.
DUMBASS
He wanted fatfree, so tell me why
didn't you bring your own?
DARCYLA
(gives him a look)
I did.
Pissey stumbles into the mausoleum, holding his neck, blood
flies out of it, between his fingers.
PISSEY
Hey! Wait up!
PILLOW
Oh, my God, Pissey!
He is weak from blood loss and collapses. Pillow tries to
catch him and breaks his fall.
PISSEY
Y'know, you gave me a hickey.
Dumbass gives Darcyla a look.
DARCYLA
(shrugs)
I got hungry on the way.
PILLOW
Pissey, let's get outta here!
DARCYLA
Oh, you're not going anywhere.
PILLOW
(confronts her)
Leave us alone!
DARCYLA
You're not going anywhere until
we've
(grows large teeth)
fed!
Pillow screams and falls down next to Pissey. Duffy and
Xaver show up.
DUFFY
Well, this is nice. I-it's a
little bare, but a dash of paint,
a few throw pillows... no offence
Pillow... call it home!
PILLOW
(stops screaming)
Oh, uh, none taken.
(starts screaming again)
Duffy moves behind the coffin to draw the vampires away
from the others.
DARCYLA
Who the hell are you?
DUFFY
You mean there's actually someone
in this town who doesn't know
already? Whew, that's a relief,
I'm telling you! Having a secret
identity in this town is a job of
work, even Batman would have
difficulties.
XAVER
Duffy, we bail now, right?
DUMBASS
Not yet!
DUFFY
Okay, first of all, what's with
the outfit? Live in the now,
okay? You look like DeBarge!
The vampires close in on her. She turns to Darcyla.
DUFFY
Now, we can do this the hard way,
or... well, actually there's just
the hard way.
DARCYLA
That's fine with me!
DUFFY
Are you sure? Now, this is not
gonna be pretty. We're talking
violence, strong language, adult
content, lame jokes...
Dumbass roars behind Duffy. She pulls the chair leg out
from inside her shirt. He attacks from behind, but Duffy
neatly jams the makeshift stake into his chest. He falls
back and turns to ashes. Darcyla can't believe her eyes.
Neither can anyone else.
DUFFY
Duffy 1, Dumbass 0.
DARCYLA
He was young and he was a, a...
dumbass!
DUFFY
Xaver, go!
DARCYLA
Don't go far!
Duffy and Darcyla start to fight. Darcyla punches high, but
Duffy blocks. Xaver helps Pillow pick up Pissey. Darcyla
throws a backhand punch, but Duffy blocks again and follows
up with a front snap kick to Darcyla's stomach. As she
leans forward from the pain, Duffy slams her elbow into
Darcyla's back.
CUT TO:
EXT. CEMETERY - SAME TIME
Xaver and Pillow help Pissey, who's still bleeding like a
pig, out and they start to run.
CUT TO:
INT. MAUSOLEUM
Darcyla hits the wall and falls to the floor, winded.
DUFFY
You know, I just wanted to start
over. Be like everybody else. Be
a loser or something.
Have some nerdy friends, y'know,
maybe a dog... But, no, you had
to come here, you couldn't go
suck on some other town.
DARCYLA
Who are you?
DUFFY
Don't you fucking know?
Puke grabs her by the neck from behind.
PUKE
I don't care!
He throws her across the room. He grabs Darcyla and lifts
her to her feet.
PUKE
You were supposed to be bringing
an offering for the Bastard!
We're almost at Harvest, and you
dally with this child!
DARCYLA
(fearfully)
We had someone, two actually, but
then she came. She killed
Dumbass. Puke, she's strong.
PUKE
You go. I'll see if I can handle
the little girl, I'll be her
daddy.
He approaches Duffy as she starts to get up, still a little
dazed.
Darcyla quickly climbs the steps, looks back once and runs
out of the door. Puke attacks Duffy with a double punch,
but she blocks it and delivers a punch to his gut and a
hopping front snap kick to his jaw. He steps back, but
isn't fazed.
PUKE
You're strong.
He lands a solid backhand fist on her. She goes flying.
PUKE
I'm stronger!
DUFFY
(wiping away blood from
her chin)
I bet you always wanted to say
that.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE CEMETERY - SAME TIME
Xaver and Pillow are supporting Pissey as they run.
PILLOW
We'll get the police, it's just a
few blocks up!
They are stopped by a group of vampires.
CUT TO:
INT. MAUSOLEUM - SAME TIME
PUKE
You're wasting my time.
She backs away up the stairs toward the exit.
DUFFY
Hey, I had other plans, too,
okay?
Puke shoves the heavy lid off of the coffin. Duffy does a
cartwheel onto and over it to avoid it and kicks Puke in
the chest with both feet, knocking him down. She grabs the
stake from the floor and lunges at Puke, but he is too
quick for her, and grabs her by the wrist.
PUKE
You think you can stop me? Stop
us?
He grabs the stake with his other hand and breaks it. Then
he grabs her by the shirt.
PUKE
You have no idea what you're
dealing with.
He throws Duffy onto the rim of the now open coffin. She
rolls off onto the floor, dazed. Puke gets up and starts
toward her, quoting scripture.
PUKE
'And like a plague of boils, the
race of man covered the Earth.'
CUT TO:
INT. LIBRARY - SAME TIME
Igor is paging through an old volume and stops on a picture
of Satan with lightning coming from his ass to a man's
hand.
PUKE (V.O.)
'But on the third day of the
newest light would come the
Harvest. And the blood of men
will flow as wine.'
CUT TO:
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR - SAME TIME
We see the Bastard sitting in an intricately carved chair,
wiggling with his behind.
BASTARD
Ooh, this is comfy.
PUKE (V.O.)
'When the Master will walk among
them once more!'
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE CEMETERY - SAME TIME
Xaver, Pillow and Pissey surrounded by vampires, including
Darcyla.
PUKE (V.O.)
'The Earth will belong to the old
ones.'
CUT TO:
INT. MAUSOLEUM - SAME TIME
Puke is in Duffy her face.
PUKE
'And Hell itself will come to
town.'
He grabs Duffy and growls. He lifts her by the throat and
throws her toward the coffin. Duffy flips over in a front
layout and lands in the coffin next to a skeleton who
appears to have a third leg, and lets out a quick scream,
but then remains silent, only breathing. She can't see or
hear Puke. She slowly starts to get up. Suddenly Puke jumps
up and into the coffin.
PUKE
(smiling widely)
Amen!
He moves in to bite Duffy.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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