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FADE IN: INT. A BIG DEPARTMENT STORE –DAY We are in a large Department Store. There is a Festive MUZAK blaring out through the stores speakers. The store is packed and decked out with full tacky Christmas regalia. Decorations and special Xmas displays are everywhere. We watch a brief selection of stressed out Christmas shoppers. We follow a couple of "SANTA'S GROTTO THIS WAY" signs until we reach the queue for Santa's grotto. INT. QUE FOR SANTA'S GROTTO -DAY Santa's Grotto is a large Plastic festive Igloo. On the roof is a large sign bearing the legend 'SANTA'S GROTTO' by the Igloo entrance there is a smaller flip sign that reads 'Santa is home'. A Glamorous smiling LADY ELF ushers mothers and toddlers through the entrance. The Queue is long and comprised of the usual assortment of mothers with toddlers. At the very front sticking out like a pair of very sore thumbs, are two sinister and conspicuous men MR. SMITH and MR. JONES. MR. SMITH and MR. JONES look almost identical. Both dressed like secret service agents. They are silently starring dead ahead. The Mother emerging from the grotto with her toddler,eyes them suspiciously as they step forward to take their turn but the ELF LADY doesn't miss a beat as she ushers them in with a cheesy smile and a sweeping hand gesture. ELF LADY Santa will see you now. First MR. SMITH then MR. JONES Stoop slightly as they enter Santa's grotto. There is a slight pause then from outside Santa's grotto we see the bright muzzle flashes and hear the loud BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Of multiple gunshots being fired. A pause then SMITH and JONES nonchalantly emerge from the Grotto. MR. SMITH flips the sign near the entrance, so that it now reads 'Santa is on his break'. INT. EXIT OF STORE -DAY We watch from behind SMITH AND JONES as they calmly exit the Department store. EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE A DEPARTMENT STORE -NIGHT A jolly Santa resplendent with authentic white beard a hand bell and a collection box roams the sidewalk 'HO HO HO-ing' ringing his bell and shaking his box at passers by. INT. BILL LOWMAN'S CAR –NIGHT BILL LOWMAN a dishevelled, unkempt, failed salesman with the bleary bloodshot eyes of the lost and hopeless, leans forward in his seat gripping the steering wheel with maniacal fervour, he spots the SIDEWALK SANTA, his eyes narrow, he hits the gas and the car lurches forward. EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE A DEPARTMENT STORE -NIGHT LOWMAN'S car mounts the curb and speeds towards the SIDEWALK SANTA, who has his back to the car. He is ringing his bell and merrily Ho Ho Ho-ing. We See the SIDEWALK SANTA turn just in time to see the car hurtling towards him. SIDEWALK SANTA HO HO HO..LY SHIT! LOWMAN'S car hits the SIDEWALK SANTA with a Sickening thud. SIDEWALK SANTA flies over the bonnet and cops some 'BIG AIR' EXT. THE PAVEMENT –NIGHT Seeing just the pavement we watch as the coins from SIDEWALK SANTA'S collection box hit the concrete. As the coins cascade onto the pavement they make an almost musical sound which contrasts the heavy THUD made by SIDEWALK SANTA'S body as we hear it land off screen. We see one final coin spinning on the pavement, as LOWMAN'S car is heard (off screen) screeching and wheel spinning away from the scene. Finally the penny drops... Heads up and a woman screams. INT. A LOCKER ROOM. –NIGHT A fat balding SANTA SLOB is changing into his Santa suit. He is a grubby little man, his own clothes are stained and his Santa Suit isn't much better. He has his false beard grasped in one pudgy hand and a hip flask in the other. He takes a swig of the rough liquor and grimaces. The door to the locker room creaks open. SANTA SLOB Who's there? Gliding into the locker room with all the grace and assurance of a sanguine cat is STEFANO. He is tall and very slim; he has a cruel thin ratty looking face and a cold smile. Most striking of all is the way he is dressed and the style of his hair and moustache. STEFANO looks as if he has just stepped straight out of 1930's Sicily. SANTA SLOB (CONT'D) Hey buddy, you shouldn't be in here. This is staff only. STEFANO starts walking towards SANTA SLOB gesturing with his left hand as he speaks. STEFANO (Italian/Subtitled) I curse you and the sleigh you rode in on. You gift bringing son of a Lapland whore. STEFANO turns his head to the left and mimes spitting on the floor vehemently. We see he has his right arm held straight down and slightly out from his body, hand rolled in a fist. There is a faint click as the switchblade he carries pops out. STEFANO (CONT'D) (Italian/Subtitled) And now I cut off your balls and hang them on my Christmas tree, you fat, fur lined beard wearing reindeer chaser. From behind STEFANO we watch as he advances on a terrified SANTA SLOB, who backs towards the wall, arms out, still grasping his false beard and hip flask. Pathetically trying to ward off the knife wielding Sicilian. SANTA SLOB NO! NO! GET AWAY FROM ME! INT. OUTSIDE THE LOCKER ROOM. -NIGHT. Looking at the Locker room door. The sign reads 'PRIVATE! STAFF ONLY'. We hear the sickening scream of terror and pain combined. The Scream gets louder and higher pitched. EXT. A SUBURBAN STREET. -NIGHT. A garish Santa float is being towed around the streets of a small town.Snow covers the cosy looking houses, and the Christmas lights that decorate these homes are picture book perfect. The float however is another matter. It's the full works, an over- lit sleigh with fibreglass reindeer. Including a mandatory red (flashing) nosed Rudolph. The fairy lights twinkle and festive music blasts out from a PA on the truck. We see that people are coming out of their homes to watch the float pass by. Siting on the sleigh with a big smile and a sack full of empty boxes, is MOBILE SANTA. We know this, because we have a great view of MOBILE SANTA down the sights of MARVIN SODABAKER'S Missile launcher. MARVIN SODABAKER (who is a clean-cut young man) is taking aim from his second story bedroom window. MARVINS MOM (O.S.) You in bed Marvin? MARVIN tracks the slow moving float with his missile launcher. MARVIN SOADBAKER Yes Mom. MARVINS MOM (O.S.) Said your prayers honey? MARVIN SOADBAKER Sayin' em now mom. MARVIN squeezes the trigger. We see a line of fire tear through the night sky. It trails from the barrel of MARVIN'S missile launcher speeding towards the Christmas float. MOBILE SANTA looks up at the missile hurtling towards him. MOBILE SANTA Oh my god. MOBILE SANTA and his festive float explode into one huge ball of fire. Everyone, who has come out to see Santa, just stares open mouthed in disbelief. The truck, its back axle dragging on the road crawls on for a few more yards before stuttering to a stop. The PA speakers on top of the trucks cab fall of and clunk to the ground still piping out festive music as debris and ash from the float flutter to the ground swirling like the snowflakes that have just started to fall. MARVIN SOADBAKER AMEN! MARVINS MOM (O.S.) Such a good boy. EXT. A DENSE FOREST. –DAY We hear the puffing and panting of a fat man running. Through his eyes we see the dense claustrophobic forest before us, as EXTREMELY FAT SANTA waddles as fast as his stubby legs will carry him. Not far off we hear hootin' and a hollerin' and the sound of dogs barking. EXTREMELY FAT SANTA whimpers and pushes on. Thin, old, grey and wiry DEEK is being dragged as much as he is running behind his dogs, two huge Rotweillers LUCIFER and NIKADEMUS. Steaming ahead like a Defensive Tackle gunning for a Quarterback who called his momma, is BIG OLE BOBBY GEE WAYNE he holds his shotgun in one hand as he runs. Ahead in the forest we catch a glimpse of their red suited prey crashing through the undergrowth. BIG OLE BOBBY GEE WAYNE I SEE HIM DEEK! I SEE HIM! BIG OLE BOBBY GEE WAYNE stops raises his shotgun and gets off a shot. EXTREMELY FAT SANTA (Screams like a stuck pig) DEEK GIT 'IM BOYS! GIT 'IM! GO NICK! GO LUCY! DEEK lets the dogs loose and they bolt into the woods barking wildly. BIG OLE BOBBY GEE WAYNE HOHAA! We hear a dog Snarling and growling and more screams. EXT. A SMALL CLEARING IN THE FOREST. -DAY. NIKADEMUS has EXTREMELY FAT SANTA pinned to the ground his paws on his chest, his snarling slavering jaws just and inch from the fat mans face. LUCIFER meanwhile is sat on his haunches next to EXTREMELY FAT SANTA'S head; alternately licking his own balls then the terrified fat mans cheek. This is the diorama that DEEK and BIG OLE BOBBY GEE WAYNE run into. BIG OLE BOBBY GEE WAYNE points at LUCIFER with the gun. BIG OLE BOBBY GEE WAYNE Uh huh, uh huh, your dogs a retard Deek. DEEK God damn it Lucy. DEEK pulls NIKADEMUS off of EXTREMELY FAT SANTA; the Rottweiller reluctantly lets him. BIG OLE BOBBY GEE WAYNE towers over the EXTREMELY FAT SANTA, who is too exhausted and terrified to speak, and aims the shotgun at his face. BIG OLE BOBBY GEE WAYNE Looks like you done gone delivered your last present fat man. INT. OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY. -NIGHT. POP! a champagne cork flies off a bottle the bubbles fizz out. Holding the bottle of champagne is a slim, middle-aged middle classed middle manager in a Santa suit. This is SMARMY HORNY SANTA; he is pouring champagne into the two glasses that SLUTTY MRS SANTA is holding. They are both laughing. Around them the party is in full swing as an eclectic collection of Xmas costumed CO-workers, dance, drink eat and talk INT. A VERY VERY VERY LONG CORRIDOR. –NIGHT The corridor seemingly stretches on forever; there are doors to offices all along the corridor. In the background we can hear the sound of the party but over that we can clearly hear the sound of the SCREAMING SAMURAI. Running down the corridor towards us is an angry looking SCREAMING SAMURAI. He holds his sword aloft with a two handed grip. INT. OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY. -NIGHT. SMARMY HORNY SANTA and SLUTTY MRS SANTA are drinking their champagne and still laughing merrily. SMARMY HORNY SANTA Merry Xmas Mrs Santa. SLUTTY MRS SANTA I wish I really was your wife. SMARMY HORNY SANTA gives her his smarmiest cheesy grin. SMARMY HORNY SANTA Hey, believe me, you get a hell of lot more action than she does. INT. A VERY VERY VERY LONG CORRIDOR. –NIGHT We see the SCREAMING SAMURAI he is still screaming down the corridor sword in hand. INT. OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY. -NIGHT. The party is slowing down and so is the music, costumed couples are drunkenly slow dancing. SMARMY HORNY SANTA and SLUTTY MRS SANTA are tucked away in a quiet corner having an intimate chat. SLUTTY MRS SANTA So here's to another great year working... SMARMY HORNY SANTA ...and Playing... BOTH …together. They sip champagne and stare at each other. INT. A VERY VERY VERY LONG CORRIDOR. –NIGHT The SCREAMING SAMURAI is still going strong. INT. OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY. -NIGHT. SLUTTY MRS SANTA (sighs) Has it really been a year? since we started seeing each other. SMARMY HORNY SANTA How could I forget, it was at the last Christmas party. You, me, some mistletoe and the photocopier babe. SLUTTY MRS SANTA Hey wanna recreate the moment? SMARMY HORNY SANTA Do I? Hell yes! SLUTTY MRS SANTA You slip out first loverboy, I'll get more champagne. He points his finger at her thumb raised and mock shoots a kiss at her. SMARMY HORNY SANTA You're the boss babe. SMARMY HORNY SANTA swaggers across the office, waltzing past drunken slow dancers, open the office door and steps out into... INT. A VERY VERY VERY LONG CORRIDOR. –NIGHT At the exact same moment that SMARMY HORNY SANTA steps into the corridor the SCREAMING SAMURAI runs by and without pausing or missing a beat decapitates SMARMY HORNY SANTA with a deft sweep of his sword. SMARMY HORNY SANTA'S head rolls one way his body topples the other way. The SCREAMING SAMURAI stops running and stops screaming. He turns and in one fluid movement sheaths his sword. EXT. STATUE OF LIBERTY. –NIGHT We see a mob of New Yorkers tossing a Santa off the Statue of liberty. EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. –DAY The traffic has been brought to a standstill as SAN FRANCISCO CHINATOWN TRIADS push a bus full of screaming Santa's off the bridge. EXT. THE GRAND CANYON. -DAY. A chopper is hovering high over the canyon. From a distance we see a red suited unfortunate, hands tied behind his back thrown from the helicopter. EXT. THE STRIP, BEVERLY HILLS. –DAY Some of LA'S FINEST have a Santa hands cuffed behind his back, face down on the sidewalk, giving him some Rodney King style treatment. INT. PLUSH RECEPTION ROOM. –DAY The room is large and very stylishly furnished. In the foreground there is a large dark antique table. On it sits an old fashioned black telephone. It rings three times. We see a small hand reach up and lift the phone of the receiver. Standing behind the table holding the phone to his ear is SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER, a young dwarf looking sharp in Armarni. SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER Uh huh, yeah. Oh yeah the boss will be pleased. Coast to cost, every state. That's good. Yeah you did good Tony, you did good. SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER reaches over the table and hangs up the phone. With a real sense of purpose he heads for the door. We see as he passes through the reception room, into first one anti- chamber, then another. Finally he reaches the door of the bosses office. He knocks and without waiting enters. INT. THE BOSSES OFFICE. –DAY SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER stands in front of the bosses desk hands behind his back. Behind the desk we see the back of a large leather chair. SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER And that's that. It's done. Sate to state, coast to coast. The whole country. America is yours Boss. The Big leather chair spins round, sitting there behind the desk is a large, red cheeked, jolly looking, old man He has small round classes perched on the end of his nose, white hair and a huge white beard. He looks suave in a Dolce Gabana suit. FARTHER CHRISTMAS HO!HO!HO! SUPERIMPOSED: MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL FADE OUT.
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