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THE CROWDED HOUSE


"The Pilot"

Written by

Michael E. Camporese

























ACT ONE/SCENE 1

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM – MORNING

In the living room, we see a teenager reading a newspaper.  His name is 
Kyle Carter who is sixteen years old, gay, and a High School student.  
His sister Sara Carter who is thirteen years old is a Middle School 
student always cheerful and obnoxious especially around her older 
brother.  Sara comes running down the stairs in a positive mood.

SARA:       Good Morning.
KYLE:       [Sarcastically]……Oh shut up.
SARA:       [Pinches Kyle's cheek]……Awww, did someone wake up on the
        Wrong side of the bed this Morning. 
KYLE:       No, I just saw you're disgusted Puked up face.
SARA:       Oh yeah, well, at least "my" boyfriend is cute. 
KYLE:       It's true, you're boyfriend is cute.
SARA:       [Smiles]……Oh thank you.

Kyle turns a page in the newspaper.

KYLE:       Just like our neighbors dog.

Sara notices a can of soda sitting on the table and pours it all over 
Kyle. Kyle just freezes without trying to release any sort of anger.

(OPENING CREDITS)

                            ACT TWO/SCENE 2

INT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY

We notice SARA having a conversation with two of her favorite friends 
Delilah and Billy coming down the hall. 

SARA:       (To Delilah)……Oh I know, that was so great.

A male student comes passing by with a few of his friends, Sara holding 
a pair of melons in her hand. 

STUDENT:    (To Sara)……Oh hey, nice melons.
SARA:       (Smiles……Why thank you.
STUDENT:    Yeah, if they get any bigger they'll have their own 
Constalations.

Sara defends herself. 

SARA:   Listen pizza face. You need to Learn to keep your mouth shut.

The guy and his other friends walk away as we show a CLOSE UP of the 
one guy slipping on a wet floor. The girls turn around and laugh 
hysterically. Billy makes a rude remark.

BILLY:  Hey, hope you had a nice trip.

The girls Laugh, and walk away.

ACT THREE/SCENE 3

INT. KITCHEN – AFTERNOON 

In the kitchen, we see Kyle, and Sara's Mother Marie wrapping up a 
present for Sara's sweet 16 party. She gets frustrated because on the 
button of the box is an open space. Marie tries to put the two 
together, but no success. She opens the draw behind her and grabs an 
aluminum foil and covers up the space in between. Left by surprise, 
Sara enters the kitchen while Marie puts the present into the 
microwave. 

MARIE:  Sara, what are you doing here?
SARA:       I live here remember. 

She grabs a drink out from the refrigerator. 

MARIE:  Oh right. [Pause]…Shouldn't you be in school?
SARA:       Mom, it's after 3:00pm.

Sara puts her drink down on the table, and goes to the counter to get 
something to eat. 

MARIE:  What are you doing?
SARA:       I was getting something to Eat.
 

Kyle walks in and gets something to drink. 

MARIE:  Oh okay. 

Sara grabs a bag of popcorn. 

MARIE:  Your not going to eat that Are you?
SARA:       Well yes, I was going to Watch a movie. 
MARIE:  Well…[Knocks the popcorn down on the floor]…You can't 
eat that, have Something more healthy. [Goes to the 
closet and grabs anything]. Ahh, Something like this.

In Sara's hand is a Dog Biscuit. Sara just looks stares at it. 

SARA:       Mom?
MARIE:  [Looks the other way]…Yes dear. 
SARA:       This is a Dog Biscuit.  
MARIE:  So.
SARA:       So, I can't eat this.
MARIE:  Oh yes you can, it's contains Lot's of protein.
        [To Kyle]…Right Kyle?

Kyle, just standing in the corner by the fridge drinking his bottle of 
water.

KYLE:       Um, okay. 

SARA:       Well, no, I'd rather have Something with taste, 
And I'm going to have popcorn.

Sara walks over to the microwave as Marie distracts her. 


MARIE:  [Points to the window]…Oh look, Mr. Franklin 
naked.
SARA:       [Runs to the window]
        Oh really, where. 

As Sara goes to the window to look, Marie grabs the present out from 
the microwave and throws it to Kyle as Kyle thinks where he could put 
it, he turns around and puts it in the fridge. Sara turns back to Mom.

SARA:       Mom, I don't see him. 
MARIE:  Oh, must of just missed him.

Sara goes back to the microwave to make her popcorn, as Kyle and Marie 
breath deeply after that fiasco. 

KYLE:       Well, I got to go, I got A date…With a girl.
SARA:       Since when are you into Girls?
KYLE:       Since I dreamed about being Sucked. 
SARA:       Wow, you must have been Jiggling the jingle. 
KYLE:       Yup, I was. 
SARA:       You can crack nails with That thing. 

Sara exits with her popcorn. Kyle and Marie are still in the kitchen.

ACT FOUR/SCENE 4

EXT. THE MOVIE THEATER – LATE EVENING

We see Kyle and his girlfriend Arial just entering the movie theater. 
In the background, we can hear screams and gunshots, this is an action 
Movie. Kyle and Arial begin to sit down disturbing the other audiences 
in the theater. 

GIRL#1: Hey watch it.
GUY#2:  [To Arial]…Hey "Big But" sit down. 
ARIAL:  [To Guy]…Why you little. 
KYLE:       Arial, please, Not In public. 

They now sit down. Kyle is sitting next to ancient women in her mid 
sixties as she begins flossing her teeth. Kyle just stares at her, and 
asks what she's doing. 

KYLE:       What are you doing?
OLD WOMEN:  Smoking crack. What does it look Like I'm doing? 
You old fool. 
KYLE:       Sorry for asking.

The women stops flossing her teeth, and begins to blow her noise, very 
loudly. We see Arial eating her popcorn pig-like.

KYLE:       Now what are you doing?
OLD WOMEN:  I'm blowing my noise. Haven't you Seen someone 
blow there noise Before. 
KYLE:       [Yelling]…Not in a movie theater. 

She continues. 

KYLE:       Can't you throw that out. 
OLD WOMEN:  Okay. 

The women throws the tissue onto Kyle's lap. Kyle makes a disgusted 
face. 

KYLE:       Not on me.
OLD WOMEN:  [Looks at Kyle devilish]…Well you said to throw 
it in the Traaaash.

ACT FIVE/SCENE 5

INT. BEDROOM – LATE EVENING

Kyle and Sara's little brother Daniel who is 5 years old asks an 
important question to Marie who has curlers in her hair getting reading 
for bed. 

DANIEL: Mommy.
MARIE:  Yes sweetheart?
DANIEL: [Interested]…Where do babies come from?

Marie spits out her coffee all over the table.

The Children's father Richard walks enters the Bedroom. 

MARIE:  Just in time, Richard, a family crises, Daniel 
        Has something to ask you. Daniel ask your father. 

Marie gets up to brush her teeth in the bathroom. Daniel sits down in 
the chair beside the bed. 

DANIEL: Daddy.
RICHARD:    Yes son?
DANIEL: Where do babies come from?

Richard freezes in shock that Daniel would ask such a question.

RICHARD:    Well, see babies come from, come from [Looks around]
        Uhhh, the babies come from the oven. 

Marie is confused and same goes for Daniel.

DANIEL: Why?
RICHARD:    It keeps them warm. 
DANIEL: Thank you daddy.
RICHARD:    Anytime son. 

Daniel walks out of the Bedroom. 

RICHARD:    [To Marie]…see I can handle things like that.
MARIE:  hmmmm. 

Marie and Richard begin to exit. 

MARIE:  Oh did I mention that your mother is coming 
        Over for dinner. 
RICHARD:    What no, I want my mother coming here. shes comes 
with the whole broom and pan to clean the house like 
its a shit hole" Oh and honey. 
MARIE:  Yes.
RICHARD:    Why do you have curlers in your hair. It looks like
        Something out of the power rangers. 


ACT SIX/SCENE 6

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

We see Kyle, and Sara's other sister Jill in the living room feeling 
depressed. Sara walks in. 

SARA:       Hey girl what's up?
JILL:       It's nothing.

Sara sits on the couch next to her sister. 

SARA:       Tell me what's wrong?
JILL:       Well, you know this guy I've trying To ask out?
SARA:       Yeah, Jack Hamilton. 
JILL:       Yeah. 
SARA:       What about him?
JILL:       Well, what if he says no?
SARA:       Look Jill, how are you gonna know What he's gonna 
say if you don't Ask him. He may even say yes. 
JILL:       It's not just that. It's my looks. What if I 
don't look beautiful to Him, what if he turns me 
down on My appearance. 
SARA:       Look Sara, there's an old saying. Its not what's 
on the outside that Counts, its what's on the inside.
        And you know what, you are beautiful.
JILL:       No I'm not, I look like a chewed Up Chucky doll.

Sara giggles. 

SARA:       Jill, no you don't, I got to be Honest. I envy you 
and your Beauty, you can have any man that You 
want. I've learned in life That you shouldn't care about 
What everyone else thinks aboutYou, think about yourself you got to be 
more aggressive, assertive, and Before you know it, people will Start 
liking you.
JILL:       Are you sure?
SARA:       Positive. 
JILL:       Thanks Sara.

SARA:       Hey what are sister's for.

They both hug each other. 

SARA:   [cont'd]…And hey. If you go passed the corner Your 
bound to pick up some guy.
JILL:       Aww, you always new how to make me feel better. 
SARA:       [To herself]…Hopefully. 

CAMERA freezes on a CLOSE UP of JILL and SARA together in each other's 
arms as they get up to exit the room. 

FADE OUT. 





THE END



The Crowded House 
Television Comedy Script
Michael Camporese
66 Hilden Street
Kings Park, NY 11754
Phone/Fax: (631) 544 – 0370
Cell: (631) 645 - 8515

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