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Episode 1 Enter: the Murderer By Anthony Soegito, minor assistance by Michael Wilson Narrator: In Ryde city, crimes are committed and stuff like that. For your convenience, the police not only find the killer, but they process the crime scene, and prosecute in open court, effectively doing the jobs of at least 60 people in at least 5 or 6 different departments, all in under 48 hours, and all in new exciting and sexy ways. They are the Robbery - Murder - Drugs - Homicide - Narcotics division. Here are there stories. The crime scene Cops and stuff linger around, drinking coffee, smoking, talking, not much is being done. There is so many of them it's difficult for the detectives to make it through the crowd. Italianelli: Hi, I'm Italianelli, and this is my rookie partner Goldstein. We're from Robbery - Murder - Drugs - Homicide - Narcotics division, I believe you called us? The uniform cop informs them of the crime as they walk along. Uniform Cop: Yeah, we got a victim in here, white Caucasian Anglo-Saxon female woman. She's dead. Murdered to death, our people think. She has three needles sticking out of her, one full of heroin, one full of cocaine, and one full of marijuana. She's lying on a pile of money that has been arranged into bags with dollar signs on them. The bags have 'Stolen' written on cards attached to the bags, and on the underside of the cards the words 'from a bank' are written. Our people think that this particular crime scene incorporates homicide, robbery and narcotics, the stuff you department specialises in. Italianelli: So why did you call us? Uniform Cop: This He lifts up the sheet, and there is a white woman, with three needles sticking out of her, lying, face down, on bags of money. Goldstein: Ok, turn her over. They turn over the corpse. Italianelli: Jesus Christ! Goldstein: What is it Tonye? Italianelli: I know this woman. She was an informant of mine. Her name is - damn - was Frail Whitejunkie. She was getting close to Mexicano Spicko. He's a big time dealer from the south. I think he had her killed once she got to close. Goldstein: What's that blue thing in her mouth? Italianelli, with gloves on, pulls a folded up blue print out of her mouth. The blue print has the word 'MURDER' at the centre. Italianelli: This is a blue print...for murder Theme song starts: a bastard mixture of the 'Who are you' song and the law and order theme song Anthony Soegito as Det. Tonye "Toni" Italianelli (pronounced tone eye, tone eye, eye talianelli Michael Wilson as Det. Rabbi "the Jew" Goldstein In... Cop Show Add Break Return Italianelli slaps a pair of gloves on over the pair of gloves he's wearing. Italianelli: Let's dust for prints CSI: I already have Italianelli: God damn it man, I'm just trying to do my job, god damn it! Goldstein: Stupid, stupid son of a bitch. CSI: I'm sorry, shit. They dust for prints. Goldstein: Hey look, I found something Goldstein lifts up his pair of tweezers for Toni to see. There is a fast, colourful zoom in. The pair of tweezers holds nothing. Goldstein: Do you see what I see? Italianelli: Jew, there's nothing on the end of the tweezers Goldstein: Maybe that's the point Italianelli: (Impressed) God damn. They go outside Goldstein: Let's hop in my son of a bitch car As they walk towards the car, it "explodes". This is pretty much an aerosol can flame thrower out the back window of the car, with Toni and the Jew slow-motion diving for cover. Both: (Slow Motion) ARRRHAGHGRHGGHH They get up of the ground. Italianelli: God damn it! Goldstein: Son of a bitch! Italianelli: I know who did it, cos the guy who did this isn't our Killer. He's our murderer... Add break Return Italianelli: I think we need to find the guy who tried to kill us. Goldstein: We need to find the guy who blew up my car. Italianelli: Looks like we're looking for the same person. Goldstein: Do you think it's all linked? Italianelli: Perhaps. But one thing is for sure, whoever did this is a criminal, and when they commit crimes, it's up to us to find them, prove that they committed the crime, and arrest them, and then it's all down to the juries, judges, and several months of criminal prosecution, compacted down into the last 20 minutes of the episode. Of course, we not only do the police work, but we process the crime scene, and we go into the courtroom to prosecute the offender. Goldstein: Right on Italianelli: We have to report this to the chief Chief's office Goldstein: Hey chief Chief: Hey chief my ass you pieces of crap! I want results you fucking cock suckers! You both suck! Italianelli: But chief, we've never made a mistake ever, and every guy we convict goes straight to death row. Even the innocent ones! We're the best officers you have! Chief: I don't give a smelly nigger crap! You get out there and get results, you chink loving commie cum gobblers! Goldstein: Yes sir chief Chief: You smart ass rookie! If you weren't a main character, I'd have you're badge! You got any leads? Goldstein: Not yet, chief, but you know we'll get the guy by the end of the episode? Chief: Why was that question? Fine, what ever! This show needs more drama! Go see the next of kin! Parents House Their car pulls up out the front of the house. Goldstein: What's it like informing the next of kin? Italianelli: (Not listening) it never gets easy (he throws his rubix cube out the window) They walk up to the house and ring the doorbell, and the door opens and it's the mother. Goldstein: Hello? Italianelli: Mrs. Whitejunkie? Goldstein: We're the police, from the Robbery - Murder - Drugs - Homicide - Narcotics division, you're - there's no easy way to say this - you're daughter's stone cold dead, and she's been horribly murdered to death in the middle of a bizarre sex act. Mrs. Whitejunkie: (Joyful, happy) Yes? What is it? Is my one and only daughter ok, happy and healthy, running around all alive and breathing and whatnot? Goldstein: I don't think you understand. Italianelli: God Damn it Jew! You're such a rookie! You have to have some finesse about it all; you have to break it to them gently. Ma'am, your daughter... has moved on. Mrs. Whitejunkie: OH MY GOD AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH GOD NO AHHHHHHMY BABAY AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Goldstein: Easy now, easy. Mrs. Whitejunkie: Can you tell me how she died? Italianelli: Well, it would be against police procedure to reveal information like that, and it is illegal, but you seem like a nice lady. She was murdered to death, our people think. She had three needles sticking out of her, one full of heroin, one full of cocaine, and one full of marijuana. She was lying on a pile of money that had been arranged into bags with dollar signs on them. The bags had 'Stolen' written on cards attached to the bags, and on the underside of the cards the words 'from a bank' are written. We also have reason to believe she was in the middle of a bizarre and quirky sex act. Mrs. Whitejunkie: You and you're police procedure! A woman can't even find out how her child was found murdered! Get out of my house you bastards! Goldstein: I think you're over- Mrs. Whitejunkie: Overreacting? Goldstein: Actually, you're over-acting. Mrs. Whitejunkie: It's to add to the drama you imbecile! Goldstein: I'm a what? I'm Jewish, thank you very much. I don't need this! Oh my god! (Starts crying) Mrs. Whitejunkie: I'm sorry. What a minute, I'm the one who's grieving! GET OUT! Go and find whoever kidnapped my daughter! Italianelli: She was murdered Mrs. Whitejunkie: Murdered? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH They leave the house Goldstein: Time to go to the lab. Italianelli: Yes, time to learn...some stuff. We have to go to the lab, to find out who our killer is... Add break Return The lab All of the technicians in the lab have supermodel good looks and dress like trendy rock stars. The lab is made of shaded glass with doors that go 'whoosh!' every time you open them. They go into a room with the corpse on the table, and a few other tables with test tubes and beakers and shit. Goldstein: Where's Dr. Supa Modella? Shouldn't she have our results by now? Italianelli: Ahhh Jew, you're such a rookie, don't you know that it takes time to do this shit? Supa Modella is a short, cute woman, very sexy, with bed head hair and trendy clothes. Dr. Supa Modella: Hi guys, anal Italianelli: Oh, Dr. Modella, you always have to talk about sex, just to make it sexy, don't you? Dr. Supa Modella: Oh yeah, blow job. Goldstein: Did you have a look at the crime scene stuff we gave you? Dr. Supa Modella: Yes, and guess what? I'm not wearing underwear. Unless you count the sexy lingerie. Goldstein: Right... Italianelli: What about our vic? Dr. Supa Modella: Well, even though it's terribly convenient that I'm the DNA scientist and the one that analyses materials and chemicals and shit, and I also happen to do the autopsies as well. Breasts Goldstein: What did you find? Dr. Supa Modella: I found seimen. Everywhere. Nothing to do with our victim, but I put it everywhere, just to make it sexier. With this new evidence, it seems she was into some freaky sex club thing, because the evidence suggests that she took it in the vagina, the ass, the mouth and the armpit all at once There is a flashback visual filmed through a red lens, with Frail in shadow, with at least 7 men doing her. We flashback back into the lab. Goldstein: And the needles, the bank money and the blue print? Dr. Supa Modella: I think- Italianelli: No, no, you're just a minor character; I'm the one that explains shit. Ok, she robbed a bank, and then, because of the great sexual rush she got, did drugs and had great sexual sex with at least 6 to 7 guys. Same flashback, but with the money involved, and one of the guys is putting the blueprint into her mouth in a sexy way. Another 3 guys are giving her the needles. We flashback back into the lab Italianelli: So, any signs of forced entry? Goldstein: Forced entry where? Italianelli: God damn it, do I have to spell it out to you in Hebrew? Her vag-anal, you idiot! Goldstein: Her what? Dr. Supa Modella: To answer you question, no forced entry into her vag. All the dicks that went in there were well oiled up A flashback to that visual. We see inside the body, as the various penises going through the cunt, and then the cunt starts deteriorating and turns black, then to dust. We flashback back into the lab. Dr. Supa Modella: And I have a fingerprint on the body. And I ran the print through the data base. And I had that guy picked up, and he's in the interrogation room waiting for you. Italianelli: Thanks Doc Dr. Supa Modella: You're welcome, penis. Oh and Toni? Italianelli: Yes, god damn it? Dr. Supa Modella: (walks over, puts her hand on his crotch) you can come over to my place anytime and sex my sexy sexual sexiness. Italianelli: You got it, Doc. (licks her nose) Goldstein: Looks like she really likes you, Toni. You going to take her up on her offer? Italianelli: Ahhh Jew, you're such a rookie, don't you know that it takes time to do this shit? I can't sex her now, it ruins the sexual tension for the rest of the series, and then none of the conversations we have are going to be as sexy as they were before. Goldstein: Right on Interrogation room. Toni opens a folder, and reads it out aloud to the suspect Goldstein: Hey, where'd you get the folder from? Italianelli: (Ignoring him) Ok, Dodgy McInnocent, you have a prior for robbery, narcotics, and bizarre sex murder crimes. Do you know this person? Opens his folder and takes out a good picture of Frail, changes his mind, and takes out the autopsy picture, where she is unrecognisable. Dodgy McInnocent: No Italianelli: Well, we found your prints on her CORPSE! Toni swipes all of these papers and shit of the table. Dodgy McInnocent: Ok, ok, I know her, yeah. Is she ok? Italianelli: Ok? OK? These are pictures of her dead body! Dodgy McInnocent: Dead? Is she ok? Goldstein: No, she isn't, some one killed her. Dodgy McInnocent: Oh my god, she's killed? Some one deaded her? Italianelli: Yes. And we want to know who. When was the last time you saw her? Dodgy McInnocent: Well, the last time I saw her, she was a corpse. Goldstein: When was that? Dodgy McInnocent: Just then, you showed me the picture Italianelli: Wrong answer. He takes off his watch, rolls up his sleeves, puts on a head band on and puts in a mouth guard. Italianelli: Now look at me you doosh bag, you admit to the crime or I'll kick the living shit out of you Dodgy McInnocent: Oh man this is like NYPD blue! Italianelli: (Leaning over, bending his head up and getting right in his face) did you know the victim? Dodgy McInnocent: No Goldstein: We have you're fingerprints on her body Dodgy McInnocent: Alright, yes. We did freaky sex club things together, like they say quite often on CSI, 'it was all about the sex'. Goldstein: Why didn't you tell us that before? Dodgy McInnocent: I thought you'd beat me Italianelli: (Leaning over, bending his head up and getting right in his face) Right. Did you have sex with the victim? Dodgy McInnocent: No Goldstein: We found your seimen on the body Dodgy McInnocent: Alright, yes. I had sex with her on the night she died. Goldstein: Why didn't you tell us this before? Dodgy McInnocent: I thought you wouldn't believe me. Italianelli: (Leaning over, bending his head up and getting right in his face) did you kill her? Dodgy McInnocent: No Goldstein: We found evidence that proved you killed her. Dodgy McInnocent: Alright yes. But I didn't mean to. She liked it. It was all apart of the whole freaky kinky getting-aroused-through-robbing-banks sex club thing that she was into. Goldstein: Did you just admit to the crime? Dodgy McInnocent: no. Alright yes, well, kind of, there were 7 of us, like I said it was all apart of the freaky sex thing, and we all killed her at once, so you can't pin it on me because 7 of us did it and it could be anyone of us. Anyway, I'm the first guy you asked, it's really early in the episode, not even half way yet, so it can't have been me. Italianelli: He's right god damn it. Goldstein: Son of a Bitch! Italianelli: Time to let him go. Goldstein: Yeah. Alright, you're free to go. Italianelli: There's killer out there, Jew, and it's down to us, as police men, to find that killer, and to punish them for their crimes, through police work. That's why, Jew, that's why they call us Police men. Goldstein: What's you point. Italianelli: In order to do our jobs, we need to catch this guy... Add Break Return Italianelli: Yeah, we need to go looking for him. Goldstein: You're right. Add Break Return. Italianelli: I think I have a lead! Goldstein: Who? Who is it? Italianelli: I don't know yet. I think we should hit the streets, see who we can find. If we can't find anyone, then we just frame an Aboriginal like we always do. On the streets. Goldstein: Where are we going? Italianelli: Take a left. Goldstein: Toni? Where are we headed? Italianelli: I'm just trying to do my job God damn it! Goldstein: Son of a bitch! Italianelli: Another left here, and follow this road. Goldstein: Toni, where 1000 miles from the crime scene! Where are we going to find a suspect out here? Italianelli: There! There's that piece of Crarpe! Pool ovrer! Goldstein: Roger that! Pause. He pulls over Goldstein: Wouldn't it be better if we chased him in the car? Italianelli: You stupid rookie! Goldstein: right on They leap out of a car and chase Rich Mann down the street. Italianelli: Hey you! Better start running or I'm going to shoot you! Rich Mann: Jesus! Jesus: Yes? Goldstein: Sorry, he's not talking to you Jesus: Oh, right. Carry on Italianelli: Freeze! Rich Mann: What? I haven't done anything! Oh god, what would the board of directors think if they knew I'd been arrested, they'd be furious! And if I'm arrested then eventually my dealings with prostitutes will come to light, and it'll be all through the papers and my reputation as a good husband will be shattered! And when they find out that the prostitute I've been sleeping with is friends with my daughter, my daughter will never forgive me! And when people find out I let my daughter hang around with prostitutes, my reputation as a good father will be ruined! Goldstein: Ok, freeze! I want you to make a fist with your right hand, yes, that's it, then I want you to extend the index finger and extend the thumb straight up, yes that's it. And I want you to slowly move it into the left side of your open jacket. Italianelli: He's going for his gun! They start shooting at Rich. They miss, and while Rich stands there, all the glass in a shop front explodes, a car explodes, and old ladies, women with prams and small children start dropping. Italianelli: God Damn it! Goldstein: Son of a bitch! He's too wily for us. Italianelli: Reload! And hey, nice move back there. Looks like you're not such a dirty, stupid, stinking Jew after all! Goldstein: Thanks, you smelly, hairy wop! Hahahahaha! Italianelli: Disrespect (pistol whips Jew) Rich Mann: I need to find the police! He runs around a corner, and Toni and the Jew are already waiting for him. Rich Mann: I, are you the, wait a minute, your Goldstein: Freeze, dumb shit Back in interrogation room Inter Rupt: My name is Inter Rupt; I am Rich Mann's legal representation. Goldstein: Ok. Let's start. Is your name Mr. Rich Mann? Inter Rupt: You don't have to answer that Italianelli: We're just trying to establish the- Inter Rupt: I said he doesn't have to answer that. Goldstein: Fine. Did you kill her? Rich Mann: Kill who? Goldstein: The victim Rich Mann: Who's the victim? Italianelli: You don't have to answer that Inter Rupt: Hey! I'm the lawyer here! Goldstein: In case you forgot, we prosecute the offenders as well. Inter Rupt: Oh, right you are. Italianelli: So, did you kill her? Rich Mann: Ye- Inter Rupt: You don't have to answer that Rich Mann: No, shut up! I think it's time that I have a lengthy confession about what I did and completely butt fuck your case! Yes, I did it, but it was her fault, don't you understand? Italianelli: NO, we don't Rich Mann: Don't you get it? Goldstein: No, we don't. Son of a bitch! Every guy that we bring in here, they always say "don't you understand, don't you get it?" No! No we don't! If we got it, we wouldn't be asking the questions, now would we? Italianelli: God damn it, I'm just trying to do my job! Goldstein: Son of a bitch Italianelli: Tell us why you did it Rich Mann: Because she and I were having an affair. I promised to leave my wife and run away with her, but she threatened to tell my wife unless I did it, so I killed her. Don't you see, don't you understand, I had to do it? Goldstein: What? Italianelli: My god damn it. I've heard that story from 50 guys in this exact same room a thousand times. Rich Mann: How? How did you know it was me? Italianelli: Well, we picked you up in west Ryde, while the murder was in east Ryde. We found you at the exact postion we thought we'd catch you, 1000 miles away from the crime. And guess what? We were just going to frame you for the crime; it was YOU that admitted to it! Rich Mann: Oh, no! Goldstein: Well, then, see you in court. Rich Mann: Hahaha! Guess what, coppers! I have the best lawyer in the country! Money, yeah! Money's the best defence a guy can have! Italianelli: No, son. The best defence, is JUSTICE Rich Mann: Damn! Mother fucker! He's right! Damn! Always with the last word! Those closing lines! So good! Add break Return The Robbery-murder-drugs-homicide-narcotics division legal chambers. Chief: Ok, you cum guzzling pieces of dried, sticky seimen! I want results! Goldstein: Yes sir, we're gonna hit them with the facts, then we're gonna get them! Chief: What the hell does that mean? Italianelli: We're gonna do our best, sir Chief: Whatever (starts masturbating?) Italianelli: Let's get down to court. Court Judge: Ok, let's start proceedings. Defence? On the charge of Bizarre Sex Murder Acts, How do you plead? Inter Rupt: Not guilty. Judge: Not Guilty? But you're client admitted to the crime! Rich Mann: Yes, well- Throws a roll of money at the judge, hitting him in the head. Judge: Very well then, I'm inclined to agree. Not guilty it is! Let's begin! Defence, you're witness. Inter Rupt: I'd like to call to the stand, Rich Mann's Battered wife, Shaky. She shakily makes her way up Inter Rupt: Mrs. Mann, would you like to tell the court where your husband was on the day of the crime. Shaky: H-h-he w-w-was w-w-w-with m-m-m-me. Inter Rupt: What were you doing? Shaky: F-f-f-family st-st-st-st-st- Italianelli: Objection: relevance! Judge: Sustained! Continue Shaky: (From before, she hasn't stopped) ts-st-st-st-s-ts-ts-t-stuff Inter Rupt: Thank you, your witness. Italianelli: Mrs. Mann, does your husband beat you? Shaky: Y-y-y-y-yes Italianelli: Did he agree to not beat you if you testified on his behalf? Shaky: Y-y-y-y-y-yes Italianelli: Did he beat you into telling a lie, didn't he? He did, didn't he? Inter Rupt: Objection: Leading the witness into an answer Judge: Det. Italianelli, explain yourself! Italianelli: I'm trying to do my job god damn it! Judge: Ok, I'll allow it Shaky: Y-y-y-y-yes Italianelli: Nothing further. Judge: Prosecution, would you like to present a witness? Italianelli: Yes, your honour. I'd like to call to the stand Frail Whitejunkie Gasps from the court Add break Return They wheel out her corpse and place it in the stand Italianelli: Ms. Whitejunkie, is it true you were an undercover informant for the police? Frail: ... Italianelli: I see, and is it true that you had an affair with Rich Mann and that led to your death? Frail: ... Italianelli: Fair enough, now, did Rich Mann kill you? Frail: ... Italianelli: Ok, am I to take you silence as a 'yes', and further silence as conformation of that 'yes' Frail: ... Gasps from the court Italianelli: Nothing further, your witness Rich Mann: Darn! Goldstein: You're really good! He's on the ropes! Inter Rupt: So, can I take your silence to mean you've been lying the whole time? Italianelli: Objection, your honour, using my technique to try and win the case! In my opinion, I think he should be found in contempt of court for insulting your intelligence in trying to gain information from a rotting corpse! I recommend he be instantly disbarred for this sickening display! Judge: I'm inclined to agree with the prosecution. You're disbarred! Inter Rupt: But you're honour, no! Goldstein: You're honour! I have something to say! Judge: Are you Jewish? Goldstein: Yes, your honour. Judge: Then your opinion doesn't count! Italianelli: Just hear him out, your honour! Judge: Very well. Goldstein: I can't help but feel sorry for the defence in this matter. I'd like the judge to refer to the state of Ryde vs. Engleham, where the defence attorney made a grievous error in the court, and was executed along side his client, who was found guilty of Bizarre Sex Murder Acts Inter Rupt: What? No! Judge: What a splendid idea! Consider it done! Rich Mann, I'm executing you on the charge of Bizarre Sex Murder, and Inter Rupt, I'm executing you based on the State of Ryde vs. Engleham precedent. Take them away! Inter Rupt: NOOOO!!!! They're both dragged away. Goldstein: Well, job well done Toni Italianelli: Thanks, Jew. You're not so bad yourself. Wait, yes you are! Chief: You ass licking sons of seimen eaters! Good job Italianelli: Thanks, chief. Because this city is like a wild animal, it needs to be tamed. The only way to tame a wild animal is through hard, rough justice, like good, firm anal sex. The only way to administer anal sex is through a hard, erect penis. That's what we are, guys, a good, hard penis. And we're fucking the good people of this city every day. Goldstein: Till next time, eh, Toni? Italianelli: You got that right Jew. Narrator: Next week, on CS: Cop Show (Montage) Goldstein: Hey you! Some guy: I didn't do it man! Narrator: They're toughest case so far... People shooting at each other Beautiful Woman: It couldn't have been him! Italianelli: God damn it! Narrator: They're jobs on the line Chief: You're jobs are on the line! Narrator: And an old friend comes to visit Homo: Hey, I'm just visiting! Narrator: Guess starring Reon Anderson reprising his role as Homo Faggotello, next week on CS: Cop Show. Credits
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