This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. 
This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express 
written permission of the author.

BEN WASDEN
PRESENTS
THE BOOGEYMAN

Prepare to die... laughing! Here's the slasher movie spoof that you've 
been DYING for!


PSYCHOVILLE, CALIFORNIA
PSYCHOVILLE'S HOSPITAL FOR THE PSYCHOTIC
OCTOBER 30, 2003

    Michael Oscar Myer was standing outside watching the hospital from 
a distance. He was waiting patiently to go inside and kill his sister, 
Laurie Commode. He had tried several times to kill Laurie, but he 
failed every time. This time he had to kill her once and for all.
    All of a sudden, Michael felt an itch between his legs. He reached 
down and scratched his groin.

Michael: Oh, yeah. That feels better.

    Michael stopped scratching and began walking toward the hospital. 
When he reached the entrance door, he walked in. He now stood in the 
narrow hallway. He was holding a large butcher knife in his right hand.

Michael: Soon Laurie will be dead, but first I have to make a bathroom 
stop. All that beer that I had earlier is beginning to get to me.

***

    Security guards Alfred Bates and Norman Hitchcock were sitting in 
the lobby having a late-night snack. Alfred was eating a bag of potato 
chips, while Norman was wolfing down a large piece of chocolate cake. 
Norman had chocolate smeared all over his face.

Alfred: Hey, go easy on the cake, Norman. And wipe your mouth for God's 
sake.

Norman: I'm sorry, Al. I missed dinner.

Alfred: Oh, yeah? What were you doing, anyway? Were you spanking the 
monkey again?

Norman: You know me too well.

Alfred: You need to get laid.

Norman: And you need to take a shower. You smell like something crawled 
up your leg and died.

Alfred: I did take a shower... last July.

Norman: You mean that you haven't taken a shower since last July?

Alfred: Well, I've been busy. I think that I'm going to go check out 
the hospital to make sure that everything is all right.

Alfred: Okay.

    Alfred stood up and walked out into the hall. He wasn't aware that 
he was being followed by Michael.

***

    Norman was still eating his chocolate cake, when he heard a scream 
coming from out in the hall. It sounded like Alfred.
    Norman got up from the table in the lobby. He didn't bother wiping 
the chocolate off of his face. He then walked out into the hall.
    Norman's eyes opened wide in fear as he saw a dark pool of blood 
sitting outside the washroom. He followed the trail of blood into the 
washroom. The trail led all the way to the washing machine.
    Norman walked over to the washing machine and slowly opened the 
machine. He screamed when he saw Alfred's severed head looking back at 
him. He screamed again when Alfred began talking.

Alfred: Hey, Norm. What's up?

Norman: Not much. Geez, Alfred. What happened?

Alfred: Oh, some psycho wearing a white mask chopped my head off. It's 
okay, though. I'm alive and well.

Norman: How can you still be alive? You were decapitated, for Christ's 
sake.

Alfred: Don't ask me. Ask the guy that's standing behind you.

    Norman turned around and came face to face with Michael. Michael 
raised his knife and slit Norman's throat. Norman fell to the floor, 
dead.

Alfred: Michael, why did you kill Norm? I thought that I told you not 
to do that.

Michael: Oops, I forgot. I'm getting forgetful in my old age.

Alfred: Okay, but you better be glad that I'm only a head now. If I 
still had my arms, I'd kill you myself.

Michael: Yeah, right. You could never kill me. I can't die. I've been 
stabbed, shot, and blown up so many times that I've lost count.

Alfred: Right. Do you have a cigarette? I could use a smoke.

Michael: No, but I have some condoms.

Alfred: Now what use would I have with a condom? I don't even have a 
penis anymore, thanks to you.

Michael: Sorry.

***

    African-American nurse Shaniqua Candyman was sitting on the toilet 
in the women's restroom, defecating. When she was finally done, she 
sighed in relief.

Shaniqua: Thank you, Jesus. Thank you so very much for letting me get 
those turds out of my system. I feel so much better.

    Shaniqua began screaming when she heard footsteps coming from 
inside the restroom.

Shaniqua: Who the fuck is there? You better get out, whoever you are. 
Shaniqua don't play.

    Shaniqua was relieved to discover that it was just the new nurse, 
Kelly Slutty. Kelly had only been working at the hospital for one week.

Shaniqua: Kelly, what the hell do you want? I'm trying to take a dump.

Kelly: Shaniqua, you have been in there for two days. Are you all 
right?

Shaniqua: Two days? Shit, no wonder I'm so tired. I've been sitting on 
this toilet for two damn days.

Kelly: Hurry up. Dr. Krevorkian wants us to look in on a patient.

Shaniqua: Okay, okay. I'll be out in a minute.

Kelly: That's what you said yesterday.

    Shaniqua flushed the toilet and stood up. She then left the 
restroom, not bothering to wash her hands. She joined Kelly out in the 
hall. Shaniqua and Kelly began walking slowly down the hallway.

Shaniqua: Which patient are we supposed to look in on?

Kelly: Laurie Commode. Do you know her?

Shaniqua: You mean that you've never heard of Laurie Commode?

Kelly: No. No, I haven't. What's her story?

Shaniqua: She decapitated a man.

Kelly: Oh, my word. That's horrible.

Shaniqua: You haven't heard the worst of it yet. The man that she 
decapitated wasn't the man that she intented to kill.

Kelly: You mean that she killed the wrong man?

Shaniqua: Yes. She thought that the man that she killed was her 
brother, Michael.

Kelly: Michael Jackson?

Shaniqua: No.

Kelly: Michael Bolton?

Shaniqua: No, fool. Michael Oscar Myer.

Kelly: Never heard of him. Why did she want to kill her brother?

Shaniqua: Because he had tried to kill her numerous times before. He 
never got her, though. Now, she's been in this hospital for five long 
years. She just sits there staring at the wall. She hasn't spoken a 
word in quite some time.

Kelly: Is is because she's scared?

Shaniqua: No. It's because I taped that bitches' mouth shut. I was 
tired of hearing her always yap about her brother. She still thinks 
that he's going to come back and kill her.

Kelly: Oh, that's horrible. Hey, here's Laurie's room now.

    Shaniqua opened Laurie's door, and Kelly and her entered the room. 
Laurie was sitting up in her bed, rocking back and forth. Her mouth was 
taped shut.

Shaniqua: How are you doing, Laurie?

    Laurie reached up and pulled the tape off of her mouth. She then 
looked Shaniqua in the eyes.

Laurie: I'm fine, Nurse. How are you?

Shaniqua: I'm about as good as a fat black woman can be, I guess.

Laurie: You're right. You are fat.

Shaniqua: Hey, it hurts my feelings when you say shit like that. I'm 
trying to lose weight, you know.

Laurie: You should try harder.

Shaniqua: Don't play with me, you crazy white bitch. I'll bust a cap in 
your white ass.

Kelly: Shaniqua, please. We're here to help.

Shaniqua: Help, my ass. I'm just here so that I can get paid. It's not 
easy working at a hospital when you have to raise thirty-five kids.

Kelly: You have thirty-five children?

Shaniqua: Yes, I do. My mother was right, too. I should have kept my 
legs shut after I had the second child. I didn't listen, though. I just 
kept getting my groove on.

Laurie: Nurse, can you please leave? I'm not interested in hearing 
about your sex life.

Shaniqua: And I'm not interested in looking at your face every day, but 
I do it.

Laurie: He's coming. Michael is coming real soon.

Shaniqua: Oh, no. Not this shit again.

Laurie: Tomorrow is his day. Tomorrow is Halloween.

Shaniqua: Laurie, when are you going to finally realize that your 
psycho brother is dead? He ain't coming back.

Laurie: No, he's not dead. He's very much alive.

Shaniqua: And just how do you know that?

Laurie: Because he's standing right behind you.

    Shaniqua and Kelly turned around and began screaming when they saw 
Michael standing there. He was holding his bloody knife.

Shaniqua: Oh, no. Oh, no. What do we do?

Kelly: I think that we should make a run for it, Shaniqua.

Shaniqua: No, let's just stand here and scream like idiots. That's what 
they do in the movies.

Kelly: Okay. You're right. We'll just stand here and scream.

    Shaniqua and Kelly stood there, screaming. Michael walked over to 
Kelly and snapped her neck. Kelly's limp body fell to the floor.

Shaniqua: Oh, shit. You killed Kelly.

Michael: You're damn right. Now I'm going to kill your fat ass.

    Michael raised his knife and with one quick swipe, he slit 
Shaniqua's throat. Shaniqua's eyes rolled back in her head.

Shaniqua: Oh, no. My fat, natural-born black ass is dead.

    Shaniqua fell to the floor, dead. Michael then walked over to 
Laurie, who was still sitting in her bed.

Laurie: Hello, Michael. I knew that you'd come for me sooner or later. 
What took you so long? I could have used the company. It's been lonely 
just sitting in this hellhole.

Michael: Well, I got married.

Laurie: You got married?

Michael: Yeah, I got married to a woman named Pamela Voorhees. She was 
one good piece of ass, too. It's too bad that I had to kill her on our 
honeymoon.

Laurie: Why did you kill her?

Michael: That bitch was crazy. She was talking about getting revenge on 
camp counselors for the death of her son. Boy, was she a maniac.

Laurie: And you're not?

Michael: No, I'm not a maniac. I'm a psycho.

Laurie: That's the same thing, you idiot.

Michael: No, it's not.

Laurie: Then what's the difference?

Michael: Maniac's are people who kill a lot of people. Psycho's are 
people who kill a lot of humans. That's the difference.

Laurie: Michael, you are even dumber than I thought.

Michael: Am not.

Laurie: Am too.

Michael: Am not.

Laurie: Am too.

Michael: Am not.

Laurie: Okay, shut up.

Michael: No, you shut up.

Laurie: No, you shut up.

Michael: Okay, I'll shut up, but it's going to cost you.

Laurie: But I don't have any money. I've been locked up in this 
hospital for five years. I don't have a penny to my name.

Michael: I'm not talking about money. I'm talking about your life. I 
have you right where I want you, Laurie. It's time for you to die.

Laurie: No. It's time for you to die, Michael.

    Laurie reached under her pillow and grabbed a large axe. She raised 
the axe and finally got out of bed.

Michael: Uh, oh. What are you going to do with that thing?

Laurie: I'm going to do what I've dreamt about for years. I'm going to 
send you to hell.

Michael: Okay, I can live with that. I hear that there are a lot of 
serial killers there. I can make some good friends.

Laurie: Prepare to die, Michael.

Michael: No, no. Wait just a second.

Laurie: What is it?

Michael: There's something that I have to tell you before you send me 
to hell.

Laurie: Okay, but make it quick. The Tonight Show with Jay Leno is 
fixing to come on.

Michael: Oh, I'm going to miss that Jay.

Laurie: He is funny, isn't he?

Michael: Yes, he's one funny mother...

Laurie: ...Shut your mouth.

Michael: Laurie, I know that I haven't been the best brother in the 
world.

Laurie: Ha, there's the understatement of the century.

Michael: Just listen for one damn minute. I mean I've tried to kill you 
countless times. And I killed all of your friends. I make Ted Bundy 
look like Donny Osmond.

Laurie: That's true.

Michael: And I just want to say that I...

Laurie: Yes?

Michael: I had a really great time trying to knock you off all of those 
times.

Laurie: What? I thought that you were going to apologize.

Michael: Huh? Me apologize? That's funny.

Laurie: All right, Michael. You're going down. You're going down like a 
fat woman in a bikini.

Michael: No, please don't kill me. Think about my children.

Laurie: You don't have any children.

Michael: No, but I could have children if I wanted.

Laurie: Say goodbye, Brother.

    Laurie swung the axe at Michael's head, instantly decapitating him. 
Michael's severed head rolled to the floor, along with his body.

Michael: Wow, that really hurt. I could sure use a tylenol right about 
now.

Laurie: Finally. Now, I have finally put evil in its place.

Michael: Think again.

    Laurie screamed as Michael's headless body got up from the floor. 
Michael grabbed the axe and walked over to Laurie.

Laurie: What the hell?

Michael: Laurie, haven't you learned anything? You can't kill me. Even 
chopping my head off won't do it.

    Michael swung the axe and decapitated Laurie. Laurie's severed  
head tumbled to the floor.

Laurie: I'll see you in hell.

***

HADDONKILLED, ILLINOIS
OCTOBER 31, 2003
HALLOWEEN

    Jennifer Love Hugetits woke up to the sound of her alarm clock. She 
reached over and turned off the alarm. She sat up in bed and screamed 
as she saw her brother, Farty, standing beside her bed.

Jennifer: Farty, what are you doing in my room? I thought that I made 
it very clear that you can't come in here anymore after you spray-
painted all of my clothes black.

Farty: I have to tinkle.

Jennifer: Then go to the bathroom, for crying out loud.

Farty: Dad is in there. I think that he's having a bowel movement.

Jennifer: So? Wait until he gets out.

Farty: That could be an hour from now. I have a better idea.

    Farty pulled down his pants and began urinating on Jennifer. 
Jennifer yelled out as she felt the warm urine spraying her body. When 
Farty was finished, he pulled up his pants. He was smiling 
mischeviously.

Farty: Now I feel much better.

Jennifer: Farty, I am going to kill you.

Farty: You'll have to catch me first.

    Farty ran out of Jennifer's bedroom. Jennifer sat in her bed, 
fuming.

Jennifer: I wish that I was an only child.

***

    Later, Jennifer was riding to school with her boyfriend, Billy 
Herpes. On the radio, the new song by Eminem was blasting on the 
speakers. The name of the song was "I'm An Angry White Bastard." When 
the song was over, news reporter Gail Feathers came on with a special 
news bulletin.

Gail Feathers: Hello, I am Gail Feathers with a special news bulletin. 
I am sorry to announce that The Boogeyman has struck yet again. Last 
night, he killed seventeen-year old Britney Vagina while she was having 
sex with her brother. It is urgent that you keep a look out for 
anything suspicious, like a man wearing a hockey mask and wielding a 
machete. Now, here's the new song from Christina Aguilera. It's called 
"I'm a Skank Whore."

Jennifer: Oh, I love this song.

    Jennifer reached over and turned up the radio. She then began 
dancing and singing along.

Billy: So, what do you think of The Boogeyman? Who do you think he'll 
kill next?

Jennifer: Farty, I hope.

Billy: Come on, Jen. You don't mean that.

Jennifer: Yes, I do. Can you believe that he urinated on me this 
morning?

Billy: You don't seem to mind when I pee on you.

Jennifer: I know, but you're my boyfriend. It's different. Hey, what's 
that smell?

Billy: I farted.

Jennifer: Oh, thank God. I was afraid that it was me.

***

    Later that day, Jennifer was sitting in her math class. Her math 
teacher's name was Chucky. Jennifer thought that it was weird at first 
having a doll for a teacher, but now she was getting used to it.

Chucky: All right you bastards, turn to page 69. And hurry up, I don't 
have all day. I have a hot date with my main squeeze, Tiffany.

    While the rest of the class was turning to page 69, Jennifer stared 
out the window. She gasped when she saw a man wearing a hockey-mask 
standing outside. He was holding a machete. He was also holding a sign 
that said "I'm The Boogeyman, Bitch."

Jennifer: Oh, no. The Boogeyman is outside. He's got a machete.

    The class began laughing as Jennifer sat there, terrified at what 
she had just seen.

Jennifer: Don't laugh at me. He's out there, I tell you.

Chucky: Yeah, right. Next you're going to tell us that Santa Clause is 
out there, too.

    Jennifer looked out the window again. The Boogeyman wasn't there, 
but... Santa was.

Jennifer: Oh, my god. Santa Clause is out there now.

Chucky: Jesus Christ. Miss Hugetits, you need to see a doctor. I think 
that you're hallucinating.

    Jennifer continued to look out the window. She looked away in 
disgust when Santa bent over and pulled down his pants, mooning her.

Jennifer: Oh, gross. I did not need to see Santa's fat white ass.

Chucky: Do not use bad language in my classroom, Miss Hugetits.

Jennifer: Why not? You do it all the time.

Chucky: I'm the teacher. I can say whatever the fuck I want to. Now 
turn to page 69, bitch.

Jennifer: You're the boss.

Chucky: You're damn right I'm the boss.

    Before Jennifer could turn to page 69, she fell asleep. When she 
was asleep, she began to dream.

***

    Jennifer was standing in the hall, making out with Billy. All of a 
sudden, Billy backed away. Jennifer could see that he was nervous about 
something.

Jennifer: Billy, what's wrong?

Billy: Jennifer, there is something that I have to tell you.

Jennifer: What is it?

Billy: I'm seeing someone else.

Jennifer: Who?

Billy: Why don't you take a look for yourself. She's standing right 
behind you.

    Jennifer turned around and her mouth opened in surprise as she came 
face to face with... Pamela Anderson. Pamela was wearing a white teddy 
and a lot of make-up.

Pamela: Hi, Billy. I'm wearing the teddy that you picked out for me.

Billy: I know. I can see. You look great, Pam.

Pamela: Well, I should. I've had like nine hundred breast 
augmentations. That's not counting all of the other work that I've had 
done.

Jennifer: I'm not believing this. I thought that we had something 
special, Billy.

Billy: I know, I know. But Pam has something that you don't.

Jennifer: Acting talent?

Pamela: In your dreams, girlfriend. I couldn't act my way out of a 
strip club.

Jennifer: Then what do you have that I don't?

Pamela: Boobs, honey.

Jennifer: Hey, I have boobs too. My name isn't Jennifer Love Hugetits 
for nothing.

Pamela: Well, you're right. You do have a nice little rack. I guess I 
don't have anything that you don't.

Billy: Hey, I know. Why don't we have a threesome.

Pamela: Now, you're talking.

    Jennifer gasped as Billy and Pamela Anderson vanished before her 
eyes. Now she was all alone in the school hall.
    Jennifer thought that she heard laughter coming from behind her. 
She turned around and screamed when she saw a hideous man. The man was 
badly burned and he had knives for fingers.

Jennifer: Who... who are you?

Freddy: I am Freddy Goober. I not only have knives for fingers, but I 
also have a huge knife hanging between my legs.

Jennifer: That's disgusting.

Freddy: Do I turn you on, Jenny? Huh, do I? Do you find me attractive?

Jennifer: No. You're the ugliest man that I've ever seen.

Freddy: Oh, come on. Admit it. You think that I'm dead sexy.

Jennifer: Okay, just a little.

Freddy: Now it's time.

Jennifer: Time for what? I'm not wearing my watch.

Freddy: It's time for me to kill you, bitch.

Jennifer: I had to ask.

Freddy: I will kill you slow. And it will be very painful. It will hurt 
worse than having to watch Mariah Carey act.

Jennifer: Oooh, that is pretty painful.

Freddy: Now, you die.

    Jennifer screamed as Freddy grabbed her by the throat. He then 
began kissing her hard on the mouth. Jennifer kicked him in the groin. 
Freddy's grip loosened.

Jennifer: What the hell are you doing?

Freddy: I'm just trying to cop a field. I haven't been laid since 
Carter was president.

Jennifer: That's because you're ugly. I've flushed things down the 
toilet that look better than you.

Freddy: Well, that's harsh.

Jennifer: If you want harsh, look behind you.

    Freddy turned around and gasped as he saw a heavy-set man wearing a 
hockey mask. The man was holding a machete.

Freddy: Oh, no. It's Jason.

Jennifer: Jason Priestly?

Freddy: No, you imbecile. It's Jason Whorehees, the biggest mass 
murderer on the face of the freakin' planet.

Jennifer: Well, Jason looks pissed. I'd run if I were you.

    Jason walked toward Freddy. When he was standing right in front of 
Freddy, he took his machete and sliced it across Freddy's waist, 
slicing Freddy in half. Both Freddy's top and bottom half fell to the 
floor in a bloody heap.

Freddy: This just isn't my day.

***

    Jennifer woke up screaming. Her fellow students turned around and 
looked at her, laughing uproariously.

Chucky: Is there something that you would like to tell us, Miss 
Hugetits?

Jennifer: No. I just had a dream.

Chucky: I had a dream myself last night. It was a wet dream, though.

Jennifer: May I be excused?

Chucky: Yes, but answer this quick math question before you go. What's 
two plus two?

Jennifer: That's easy. Two plus two equals two.

Chucky: That's right. You may go.

    Jennifer ran out of the classroom, with Billy close behind. Billy 
put his right arm around Jennifer to comfort her. He could tell that 
she was troubled.

Billy: What's wrong, Jennifer?

Jennifer: I just had a bad dream. I dreamed that someone was trying to 
kill me. He was burned and he had knives for fingers. He was also 
wearing a dirty red sweater. His name was...

Billy: Freddy Goober?

Jennifer: Yes. How did you know?

Billy: I had that same dream last night.

Jennifer: Oh, my god. This is too creepy.

Billy: And there was this other guy, too. He was wearing a hockey mask.

Jennifer: Jason Whorehees?

Billy: Yes, that's the guy. Hey, wait a minute.

Jennifer: What?

Billy: The Boogeyman wears a hockey mask when he kills his victims.

Jennifer: So?

Billy: Do you think that the dreams might be trying to tell us 
something? Maybe a man named Jason Whorehees is the killer.

Jennifer: I don't know. That's sounds like too much of a stretch. It's 
just a dream.

Billy: You're right. I guess that I've watched The X-Files too much.

Jennifer: And Billy?

Billy: What?

Jennifer: I dreamed something else, too. I dreamed that you were dating 
Pamela Anderson.

Billy: Pamela Anderson?

Jennifer: Yes.

Billy: Well, I'm not dating Pamela Anderson. I'm not that lucky.

Jennifer: I know, neither am I. I'd give anything to suck on those 
titties of hers.

Billy: Uh, Jennifer. Is there something that you would like to share 
with me?

Jennifer: Uh, no.

Billy: However, I think that I should tell you something.

Jennifer: What?

Billy: There is someone else.

Jennifer: Oh, my god. Who?

Billy: Lately, I've been seeing Nicole.

Jennifer: Nicole Kidman?

Billy: No. Nicole Dildo.

Jennifer: Oh come on, Billy. What does Nicole Dildo have that I don't?

Billy: She has a penis. It's a big one, too. I'd say that it's about 
fourteen inches.

Jennifer: Goodbye, Billy. I never want to see you again.

Billy: But you have to see me again. We have four classes together.

Jennifer: Fine. Then I never want to see you again, except for during 
those four classes.

Billy: We also go to the same church.

Jennifer: I'll start going somewhere else, then.

Billy: And we live right next door to each other.

Jennifer: We do not.

Billy: Uh, oh. Then who's the chick that lives next door to me? She 
looks just like you and we've been having sex every night for the past 
year.

Jennifer: I don't know, but there's one thing that I do. We are over. 
Goodbye, Billy Herpes.

***

    When Jennifer got home, she found her mother in the kitchen. Her 
mother, Jamie Lee, was naked.

Jennifer: Mom, what the hell are you doing?

Jamie Lee: What are you talking about?

Jennifer: Put some clothes on, for God's sake.

Jamie Lee: Oh, I'm sorry. I just had sex with Justin.

Jennifer: Justin Timberlake?

Jamie Lee: Yes, that's right. Britney Spears doesn't have anything on 
me.

Jennifer: So, what are we having for dinner?

Jamie Lee: We're having you're favorite, dog shit. I found some on the 
lawn this morning. I'm going to put it on the stove and fry it.

Jennifer: Oh, goody. I could use some dog shit after the bad day that I 
had.

Jamie Lee: What happened?

Jennifer: Billy broke up with me. He's been seeing Nicole Dildo.

Jamie Lee: Well, who could blame him? Nicole has a penis. No man could 
resist a woman with a penis.

Jennifer: I guess that you're right.

Jamie Lee: Well, I'm going to the store to buy some milk. I'll be back 
in about four hours.

Jennifer: How can it take you four hours to buy milk?

Jamie: I'm a very slow shopper.

    Jennifer watched as her mother left the kitchen. Jennifer gasped 
when she saw a small envelope sitting on the counter. Her name was 
printed on the front of the envelope, in all capital letters.
    Jennifer reached over and opened the envelope. Inside the envelope 
was a letter. She began screaming when she saw the message in the 
letter. In all capital letters, it read I KNOW WHO YOU DID LAST SUMMER.

Jennifer: Oh, no. Somebody knows that I had sex with Matt Damon last 
summer.

    Jennifer nearly jumped out of her skin when the phone began 
ringing. She threw down the letter and walked over to the phone.

Jennifer: Well, I wonder who that could be. This is an unlisted number.

    Jennifer answered the phone on the third ring. She could hear heavy 
breathing on the other line.

Jennifer: Hello. This is the Hugetits residence.

Caller: Hello, baby.

Jennifer: Who is this?

Caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Jennifer: Yes, I think so.

Caller: Then you better go catch it.

Jennifer: Okay, I will. First, tell me who you are.

Caller: I'm your worst nightmare, bitch.

Jennifer: Anna Nicole Smith?

Caller: No, you idiot. I'm The Boogeyman.

Jennifer: Oh, no. You're the jerk that killed all of them people.

Caller: Yes, I am. And you're next.

Jennifer: Please don't kill me, Mr. Boogeyman. I'll give you anything. 
I'll give you a lapdance.

Caller: Forget it. I already had four lapdances today. I'm worn out.

Jennifer: I'll give you a million dollars.

Caller: Really?

Jennifer: Yes. I just need to contact my uncle for the money. You see, 
my uncle is Robert DeNiro.

Caller: I don't buy it. I have money anyway. I just released an album 
and it was the number one best seller last week.

Jennifer: Well, congratulations.

Caller: Thanks. Would you like to hear my first single?

Jennifer: Sure.

Caller (singing): I'm The Boogeyman. I'm The Boogeyman. Yes, I'm The 
Boogeyman. I'm The Boogeyman. Peace out, my bitches and hoes.

Jennifer: Wow, that is good.

Caller: Thanks. Puff Daddy produced it. Hey, wait a minute.

Jennifer: What?

Caller: You're my next victim. I'm supposed to be scaring you, not 
singing to you.

Jennifer: Wow, you're right.

Caller: I'm going to kill you just like I killed Britney last night.

Jennifer: Britney Spears?

Caller: No, you ditz. Britney Vagina.

Jennifer: Oh.

Caller: I want to play a game.

Jennifer: What kind of game?

Caller: Guess.

Jennifer: Twister?

Jennifer: No. Turn off the light and I'll show you what kind of game.

Jennifer: Which light do you want me to turn off?

Caller: The kitchen light, stupid. That's the room that you're in.

Jennifer: Do I have to? I get scared in the dark.

Caller: Just do it, or I'll turn you into fishsticks.

Jennifer: Okay, okay. You don't have to be so hostile. You'll make your 
blood pressure go sky high.

Caller: That's what my doctor always tells me.

    Jennifer walked over and turned off the kitchen light. She then 
returned to the phone.

Jennifer: I'm back.

Caller: I know.

Jennifer: Now, what kind of game do you want to play? We have Yahtzee, 
Scrabble, and Chess.

Caller: Knock, knock.

Jennifer: Who's there?

Caller: Can I.

Jennifer: Can I who?

Caller: Can I use your bathroom. I really have to pee.

Jennifer: No. The toilet's broken, anyway.

Caller: Shit. I'm going to wet my pants.

Jennifer: It happens to the best of us. You'll get over it.

Caller: Knock, knock.

Jennifer: Who's there?

Caller: What's.

Jennifer: What's who?

Caller: What's up, dog? How's it hangin'?

Jennifer: Pretty good. What about you?

Caller: I'm just chillin', homie. I'm just sittin' in my crib, smoking 
some weed. You want some?

Jennifer: Boy, are you a weird killer.

Caller: Uh, I'm sorry. I've been watching too many rap videos lately.

Jennifer: Hey, have you seen the new video from 50 Cent?

Caller: Are you kidding? It's off the hook. It's the bomb diggidy. It's 
the joint.

Jennifer: Solid.

Caller: Okay, enough of this shit. Knock, knock.

Jennifer: Who's there this time?

Caller: I'm watching.

Jennifer: I'm watching who?

Caller: I'm watching you.

Jennifer: Oh, my god. Where are you?

Caller: I'm outside. You look real good, too. I can see that you're 
naked. I can see your boobies. They look real nice and firm and juicy. 
Man, I'd like touch those babies.

Jennifer: What are you talking about? I'm not naked. I'm wearing a pink 
shirt and blue jeans.

Caller: Uh, oh. I must be at the wrong house.

Jennifer: Boy, are you stupid.

Caller: Who are you calling stupid?

Jennifer: You.

Caller: Don't go there, girlfriend. I still know who you did last 
summer.

Jennifer: How do you know?

Caller: Matt Damon is a very good friend of mine. He told me 
everything.

Jennifer: That pig. I'm going to kill him.

Caller: Not if I kill you first. 

Jennifer: Don't be hatin'.

Caller: Goodbye. I'll see you real soon.

Jennifer: Well, I look forward to it. It's been nice chatting with you, 
Mr. Boogeyman.

Caller: Same here, girlfriend. And Jennifer?

Jennifer: What?

Caller: Happy Halloween.

Jennifer: Thanks, Mr. Boogeyman. Same to you.

Caller: And tell your family that I said hi.

Jennifer: Definately.

Caller: Peace out, girlfriend.

Jennifer: It's all good, homie.

    When Jennifer heard the dial tone, she hung up the phone. She then 
walked over and turned on the kitchen light. She screamed when she saw 
The Boogeyman standing in her kitchen. He was holding a machete.

Jennifer: Oh, no. It's you.

The Boogeyman: Yes. It's me. It's time to get down and party. Now let's 
get down with our bad selves.

Jennifer: What do you want?

The Boogeyman: I want to chop your arm off.

Jennifer: Which arm? My right arm or my left arm?

The Boogeyman: What difference does it make?

Jennifer: Just tell me.

The Boogeyman: Your right arm, I guess.

Jennifer: You won't take my right arm without a fight. If you want me, 
come and catch me you psycho.

    Jennifer ran to the front door. She then turned around to see that 
The Boogeyman was standing right behind her.

The Boogeyman: You look real good from the back. Do you work out?

Jennifer: No. I just eat healthy.

    Jennifer pulled the front door open. She screamed when she saw an 
African-American man standing there. It was Detective Wiener. Detective 
Tiny Wiener, to be exact.

Detective Wiener: Why are you screaming, girl? Am I that ugly?

Jennifer: Yes, you are that ugly. But that's not why I'm screaming. The 
killer is inside my house.

Detective Wiener: O.J. Simpson?

Jennifer: No. It's The Boogeyman.

Detective Wiener: Oh, no. I need to get you to the station right away.

Jennifer: But I have to take a shower first.

Detective Wiener: Now?

Jennifer: Yes. In the movies, the girl always takes a shower while 
she's being stalked by a killer.

Detective Wiener: Yes, that is true. Okay, you can take a shower. But 
only if you let me take the shower with you. You need my protection.

Jennifer: Okay, let's go.

Detective Wiener: All right! This is going to be the most action that 
I've gotten in years.

Jennifer: You need to get out more, then.

Detective Wiener: I know. That's what my three wives are always telling 
me.

Jennifer: You have three wives?

Detective Wiener: Yes, I am a pimp. Now let's go take a shower.

***

CAMP BLOODY LAKE

    While Jennifer and the detective were showering, Billy Herpes and 
Nicole Dildo were at the lake. They were sitting on the grass, looking 
up at the stars.

Nicole: It's such a beautiful night.

Billy: I know, Jennifer.

Nicole: What did you just call me?

Billy: I called you Nicole.

Nicole: Oh, I must be hearing things. So, did you break up with 
Jennifer today?

Billy: Yes, Jennifer. I broke up with Nicole.

Nicole: You called me Jennifer.

Billy: No I didn't, Jennifer.

Nicole: You did it again. You still love her, don't you?

Billy: No. I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

Nicole: It better not.

Billy: Listen, Nicole. There's something that I want to tell you.

Nicole: What?

Billy: Well, I know that we've only been going out for a week. Still, I 
already have strong feelings for you. I guess what I'm trying to say is 
that I love...

Nicole: Yes?

Billy: I love your penis.

Nicole: Oh, Billy. That's the sweetest thing that anyone has ever said 
to me. And I love your penis, too.

Billy: Let's screw.

Nicole: Okay.

    Billy and Nicole began kissing passionately. When Nicole heard a 
loud noise, she backed away.

Billy: What's wrong?

Nicole: I just heard a noise.

Billy: That was just me. I farted.

Nicole: Not that. It sounded like footsteps.

Billy: I know. My farts sound like footsteps.

Nicole: Shut up, Billy. You're just trying to get laid. There's someone 
out there.

Billy: Oh, come on. Who could be out there? It's Halloween.

Nicole: What if it's The Boogeyman?

Billy: Don't be silly. This is the last place that The Boogeyman would 
come.

Nicole: But what about all of those camp counselors who have died here 
throughout the years? Explain that, Mr. Smartypants.

Billy: They all overdosed on drugs.

Nicole: Yeah, right. They were murdered. The police found them chopped 
to pieces.

Billy: Drugs can do that sometimes.

Nicole: Oh, shut up. Let's just get out of here.

Billy: Come on, Jennifer. There's no one out there.

Nicole: How would you know? And stop calling me Jennifer.

Billy: Fine. Let's go.

    Billy and Nicole stood up from the grass. When they were standing, 
they started screaming. The Boogeyman was standing there, watching 
them. He was wearing his signature hockey mask and holding a large axe.

Nicole: Oh, no. We have got to get out of here.

Billy: Hey, there's a cabin over there.

    Billy and Nicole ran over to a small cabin. Then then entered the 
cabin and locked the door.
    Billy and Nicole looked around the cabin, horrified by what they 
saw. There were dead bodies all over the cabin. Blood was everywhere.

Nicole: Oh, no. This must be where he puts his victims.

Billy: You think? Oh, this guy is one psycho all right.

    Nicole walked over to one of the dead bodies. It was a black woman, 
who looked to be in her twenties. The woman's throat had been slit. 
Nicole jumped back when the woman sat up and looked at her.

Nicole: Shit.

Woman: Get away from me, girl.

Nicole: I... I'm sorry.

Woman: Don't you have any respect for the dead?

Nicole: Yes. Of course I do.

Woman: Then get the fuck out of here and let me rest in peace, bitch.

    The woman fell back down. Nicole joined Billy, who was looking 
around the room in disgust.

Billy: I don't know what we're going to do. There are no weapons in 
here.

Nicole: So technically, we don't have a fighting chance of getting out 
of here alive.

Billy: Right. We're dead meat.

Nicole: Oh, great. I'll never have another blowjob again.

***

HADDONKILLED POLICE STATION

    Jennifer was now at the Haddonkilled Police Station. She was 
sitting in Detective Wiener's office, right across from the detective.

Detective Wiener: I have some questions to ask you, Miss Hugetits.

Jennifer: Fire away.

Detective Wiener: When was the last time that you had sex with a horse?

Jennifer: What kind of a sick question is that?

Detective Wiener: Just answer the question, okay.

Jennifer: It was last Thursday. I was lonely and there was no one else 
to turn to.

Detective Wiener: We all get a little lonely sometimes. Hell, I have 
three wives and I'm still not satisfied.

Jennifer: Maybe you should get a vibrator.

Detective Wiener: I do have a vibrator. But everytime I use it, it gets 
stuck up my asshole.

Jennifer: When can I go home?

Detective Wiener: Whenever we catch The Boogeyman.

Jennifer: But that could be hours from now.

Detective Wiener: Don't be silly. It's not going to take hours to find 
The Boogeyman.

Jennifer: Really?

Detective Wiener: No. It'll probably take at least a few days.

Jennifer: Oh, great. I want to go home.

Detective Wiener: Oh, stop your whining. Oooh, it smells like someone 
farted up in this bitch.

Jennifer: I'm sorry. That was me. It won't happen again, I promise.

Detective Wiener: You need to get to a restroom quick.

Jennifer: It's a little too late for that, I'm afraid. I think that I 
crapped my panties.

Detective Wiener: Now that's just disgusting. You need to go clean up, 
you disgusting whore.

Jennifer: Okay.

Detective Wiener: I'll be back in a few minutes. I have to go run some 
errands.

Jennifer: But you can't leave me here by myself. The Boogeyman will 
kill me.

Detective Wiener: You'll be safe. Believe me, this is the last place 
that The Boogeyman would go.

Jennifer: Okay. I hope that you're right.

Detective Wiener: I'm always right, girl. Well, almost.

    Jennifer watched as the detective left his office. She then began 
picking her nose. While she was picking her nose, she felt a booger. 
She removed her finger from her nose and examined the booger.

Jennifer: Wow, that's a big one.

***

    The Boogeyman was standing outside the police station. He was 
watching Jennifer while she continued to pick her nose.

The Boogeyman: That girl has no class.

    The Boogeyman made his way over to the entrance door and entered 
the police station.

The Boogeyman: This is going to be fun.

***

    Jennifer stood up and walked out into the lobby. She noticed that 
the TV was on. She walked over and sat down on the couch, as news 
reporter Gail Feathers gave the nightly news.

Gail Feathers: Well, The Boogeyman has struck again. This afternoon, 
twenty-five year old Pussy Fontaine was found dead in her home. It 
appears that she was castrated. The police have yet to find her dick, 
but they are still looking. In other news, Michael Jackson is getting 
married again. Next March, he and actor Haley Joel Osmont of The Sixth 
Sense will tie the knot. Also, Jennifer Big Booty Lopez and Ben Affleck 
have set a date for their wedding day. They will get married on 
Valentine's Day in 2099.

    Jennifer jumped when the entrance door banged open. She turned 
around to see her brother, Farty, enter the police station.

Jennifer: Farty, what are you doing here?

Farty: I see dead people.

Jennifer: What?

Farty: I see dead people.

Jennifer: What are you talking about?

Farty: Look beside you, you moron.

    Jennifer turned and looked beside her. She screamed when she saw 
Billy and Nicole's dead bodies on the couch. She screamed once more 
when Billy grabbed her arm.

Billy: He's here.

Nicole: Yes, The Boogeyman is going to kill you just like he killed us.

Jennifer: Don't you talk to me, you slut. You stole Billy from me.

Nicole: Well, it's not my fault that I have a penis.

Jennifer: Yes it is. You're the one that had the operation.

Nicole: Yeah, you're right.

Billy: You have to get out of here, Jennifer. I love you.

Jennifer: I love you, too.

Nicole: Why don't I just leave the two of you alone?

Farty: Come on, Jennifer. Let's get out of here. I can't die. I'm only 
six years old. I don't want to die a virgin.

Jennifer: Farty, you were going to die a virgin anyway. I read it in my 
horoscope.

Nicole: Uh, oh. It's too late.

Jennifer: What are you talking about?

Nicole: Look behind you.

    Jennifer turned around and looked behind her. She screamed when she 
saw The Boogeyman standing there, holding a bloody axe. He began 
walking toward Jennifer.

Jennifer: No. Stay away from me, you psycho killer.

The Boogeyman: This will only take a second.

    Jennifer sighed in relief as Detective Wiener ran into the police 
station, holding a small pistol. The Boogeyman turned around and saw 
the detective.

The Boogeyman: Oh, great. It's Barney Fife to the rescue.

Detective Wiener: Trick or treat, you crazy motherfucker. It's time for 
you to die. Die, I said.

    Detective Wiener aimed the pistol at The Boogeyman and shot him in 
the head. The Boogeyman went down like a sack of potatoes.
    The detective walked over and stood beside Jennifer and Farty. He 
put his arm around Jennifer.

Detective Wiener: How are you doing, sugar?

Jennifer: I'm okay. Is he dead?

Detective Wiener: Of course. I shot him in the head.

    Both Jennifer and the detective began screaming when The Boogeyman 
sat up. He then got up from the floor.

Detective Wiener: All right, you psycho. Take off your mask. I want to 
see who you are.

The Boogeyman: Okay, but it's not pretty.

Detective Wiener: Come on. How bad can it be?

    The Boogeyman removed his mask. Both Detective Wiener and Jennifer 
gasped in surprise when The Boogeyman was revealed to be... Michael 
Jackson.

Detective Wiener: You were right. That's not pretty.

Jennifer: Oh, my god. The killer is Michael Jackson.

Detective Wiener: Allright, Mikey. Get ready because I'm gonna shoot 
your dick off.

Michael: That's funny. You actually think that I have a penis? No, no. 
I have a vagina.

Detective Wiener: I should have know that. Fine, then I'm gonna shoot 
you in the ass.

Michael: I don't have one of those, either.

Detective Wiener: Geez. I'll shoot you somewhere, then.

Michael: Please don't shoot me, Detective. I didn't mean to kill all of 
those people. It was an accident. I swear.

Detective Wiener: Save it for Oprah, Jacko. I'm not buying it.

Jennifer: Why were you after me, Michael? I mean, I've always been a 
big fan of yours. You should be thanking me, not trying to kill me.

Michael: I was only stalking you to get to your brother, Farty. He's so 
cute. You know how much I like cute little boys.

Detective Wiener: You're insane, Michael.

Michael: I'm not insane. I'm just a little eccentric.

Detective Wiener: Eccentric, my ass. You're going to fry. I can see the 
headline's now. The King of Pop is now The King of Death.

Michael: That is a very catchy headline. I like it.

Detective Wiener: All right, Michael. Now I'm going to have to put you 
behind bars.

Michael: Can Farty come?

Detective Wiener: No, Farty can't come. And what the hell kind of a 
name is Farty any way?

Jennifer: He was named after his great great grandfather.

Farty: Can we go home now, Jennifer?

Jennifer: Of course.

Michael: Please don't lock me up, Detective. Me and Haley Joel Osmont 
are supposed to get married in March. And I sure was looking forward to 
the honeymoon.

Detective Wiener: Well, you should have thought about that before you 
started killing folks. Now, let's go.

Michael: Can I call my lawyer.

Detective Wiener: Hell no, you can't call your lawyer.

Michael: Farty, I'll never forget you. I love you, boy.

Farty: Jennifer, he scares me.

Jennifer: He scares everyone, Farty.

***

    Later that night, Jennifer was in the bathroom brushing her teeth. 
When she was finished, she rinsed out her mouth. She was about to leave 
the bathroom, when she heard a noise coming from inside the shower.
    Jennifer walked over to the shower and pulled the shower curtain 
open. She began screaming when she saw Michael Jackson standing in her 
shower.

Jennifer: Michael Jackson? What are you doing here? You're supposed to 
be locked behind bars.

Michael: I know, but I came back for Farty. Now, where is that cute 
little devil.

Jennifer: Get out, Michael. I'm not letting you anywhere near my 
brother. You're crazy and sick.

Michael: I know that I am, but I'm horny. I need a little boy to play 
with.

Jennifer: Get out, you ugly freak.

Michael: Don't go there, girlfriend.

    Michael Jackson reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a 
large knife. Jennifer screamed when she saw the knife.

Michael: Prepare to die, woman. Nobody messes with Miss Michael 
Jackson.

Jennifer: Will this nightmare ever end?

***

    Jennifer woke up screaming. She looked around her room, relieved 
that it was just a dream.

Jennifer: It was just a dream. It was all just a bad, awful dream.

    Jennifer gasped when her closet door creaked open. She then 
screamed when Freddy Goober walked out.

Jennifer: Oh, no.

Freddy: Well, well. If it isn't some fresh meat. Some fresh, pretty 
meat.

Jennifer: Stay away from me. Please don't kill me.

Freddy: What are you talking about, hot stuff? You think that I want to 
kill you?

Jennifer: Yes.

Freddy: No, no. I don't want to kill you. I just want to tap that ass. 
I'm one horny bastard.

Jennifer: Okay, I think that I'd rather you kill me. The thought of 
having sex with you just turns my stomach.

Freddy: Oh, shit. I'm never gonna get laid.

THE END 

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