“Beginnings”
S01E02 – Spud Gun

Written by
Jason Gulati

EXT. EDISON'S HOUSE - DAY

The sun is barely out.

INT. EDISON'S HOUSE - DAY

Edison is fast asleep in his bedroom.

A few soft knocks come from the window. Edison doesn't stir.

The knocks get faster and harder until he slowly rolls over and stands up on the bed, moving the curtains from the window. 

Edison grabs the crank and opens the window. It's Greg, carrying a little stack of papers.
		
		GREG
	Hey, it's Greg.
		
		EDISON
	We're not on the telephone.
		
		GREG
	Well I can see that, genius.

Edison rolls his eyes.
		
		EDISON
	It's Saturday morning.
		
		GREG
	So?
		
		EDISON
That means I don't wake up until 30 Minute Meals comes on.
		
		GREG
	Why?
		
		EDISON
Rachael Ray? The E.V.O.O? The raspy New York City voice?
		
		GREG
	You know she's from upstate, right?

Edison sighs.
		
		EDISON
	Dammit, what do you want?

Greg hands Edison the stack of papers. Edison glances over them.
		
		EDISON
	What the fuck is a "potato gun"?
		
		GREG
	It's exactly what it says.

Edison starts rifling through the papers.
		
		EDISON
	So it shoots potatoes?
		
		GREG
	Up to 200 yards. 

Beat.
		
		EDISON
	Let me put some pants on, I'll meet you outside.

EXT. EDISON'S HOUSE - DAY

Edison and Greg are standing outside.
		
		EDISON
	So where do we start?
		
		GREG
Chris is gonna meet us at Miller's. They open in like 15 minutes.
		
		EDISON
Miller's is like five minutes away. What do we do until then?

INT. EDISON'S HOUSE - DAY

Edison and Greg are drinking tea.
		
		EDISON
I don't see why the colonists got their knickers in a twist over this stuff. It tastes like broccoli water.
		
		GREG
	Agreed.

EXT. MILLER'S HARDWARE - DAY

Chris is standing at the door as Edison and Greg show up.
		
		CHRIS
	So he actually got you to get up?
		
		EDISON
What can I say? The promise of starch artillery was too much to resist.

INT. MILLER'S HARDWARE - DAY

VINTON MILLER, 48, the rugged stone of a store owner, stands at the counter where 
the guys walk up.
		
		VINTON
	Well, what can I do for you boys this mornin'?

Greg pans over the papers.
		
		GREG
	We need ten inches of four inch Schedule 40 PVC water 
piping, thirty-six inches of one and a quarter inch of the same type, a four inch threaded plug, a four inch coupler, some PVC primer and cement, a couple of machine screws, some insulated wiring, a barbecue grill ignitor, and some duct tape.

Vinton blinks. Chris and Edison peer over Greg's shoulder at the paper.
		
		VINTON
	Ya'll are building a spud gun, huh?
		
		GREG
	Maybe.
		
		VINTON
	Well lucky for you, I give a discount for spud gun 
enthusiasts. Let me just go round up the stuff and get it cut for ya.

Vinton heads away from the counter and starts running a power saw.
		
		CHRIS
	Hey, any ideas of where we can shoot this?

The saw stops.
		
		VINTON
No, not anymore. My buddies and I used to fire 'em off by the hills near Highway 2... but ever since they built those damn subdivisions we haven't had a place to go.

He goes back to the saw.
		
		CHRIS
	Hey Greg, isn't that where you live?

The saw stops again.

EXT. MILLER'S HARDWARE - DAY

The guys are standing outside with all the materials bagged up.
		
		EDISON
	Now what?
		
		GREG
	Now... we build it.
		
		CHRIS
	Where?

Beat.
		
		GREG
	Well, Edison has that shop in his back yard.

EDISON
	Yeah, and there's a mint-condition '92 Civic Hatch in 
	there. No freakin' way.
		
		GREG
	Ooooh, a Civic. Chris?
		
		CHRIS
I live between K-Mart and the migrants of tornado alley.
		
		GREG
	So... yes?
		
		CHRIS
	No.
		
		EDISON
	Why can't we just do it at your place?
		
		GREG
	We just got that new garage floor coating put in.
		
		EDISON
	So?
		
		GREG
	I don't wanna ruin it.
		
		EDISON
Don't be an asshole. Aren't your parents out of town, too?
		
		GREG
	Yeah, but—
		
		CHRIS
	And wasn't this your idea?
		
		GREG
	Alright, alright! Jesus.

EXT. GREG'S HOUSE - DAY

The sun is a little more prominent now.

INT. GARAGE - DAY

The guys unload the materials into the garage.
		
		EDISON
	So, how do we assemble this thing?

Greg sifts through the pages. Chris and Edison start picking up pieces.

EXT. GREG'S HOUSE - DAY

Re-establishing. The sun has peaked over the sky-- early afternoon.

INT. GARAGE - DAY

The guys are standing around the finished product.
		
		CHRIS
	So, when do we get to shoot this off?
		
		GREG
	The instructions say to wait 24 hours.
		
		CHRIS
	Whoa.
		
		GREG
	Well, the cement has to set in.

Chris slouches.
		
		CHRIS
	What are we supposed to do until then?

Beat.
		
		EDISON
	I saw this great recipe on 30 Minute Meals.

Chris shakes his head disapprovingly.
		
		EDISON
	No, listen. Get this. It's a chili dog... hamburger.

		CHRIS
	What?
		
		EDISON
You take the ingredients for a chili dog... and roll them into ground beef.
		
		GREG
	No way.
		
		EDISON
	Way. It's fucking genius.

Chris and Greg blink.

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Edison is pushing a shopping cart down the meat aisle with Chris and Greg on either side.
		
		EDISON
Okay, we got the ground beef, the hot dogs, the buns, what are we missing?

Chris glazes over a piece of paper.
		
		CHRIS
	Spice and seasonings.

Edison gets a tap on the shoulder, spinning him around.
		
		ASHLEY
	Hey. Shopping for the wives?

Ashley and Laura are waiting behind them.
		
		EDISON
	No. We're making chili dog... hamburgers.
		
		ASHLEY
	What?
		
		EDISON
Okay, okay. You take the ingredients for a chili dog... and roll them into ground beef patties.

Beat.
		
		LAURA
	That actually sounds really good.
		
		EDISON
	Saw it on 30 Minute Meals.
		
		LAURA
	I love that show!
		
		EDISON
	You're just attracted to Rachael Ray, aren't you?
		
		LAURA
	It could happen.
		
		CHRIS
	I'm not gonna lie, I'm more of a Giada fan.

Beat.
		
		EDISON
	Okay, I guess if you're into big heads.
		
		CHRIS
	Not so much big heads, but big--
		
		EDISON
	So, you guys interested in eating with us?
		
		ASHLEY
	Absolutely.

They continue down the aisle.
		
		ASHLEY
	So what's the occasion, anyway?
		
		GREG
	We're building a potato gun.

Beat.
		
		ASHLEY
	I guess that calls for a big dinner.

GREG
Yeah, it does. This thing will shoot potatoes up to 200 yards.

Beat.
		
		GREG
	Plus we have to wait for the cement to set.

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Edison is leading the cooking like a master chef. Chris and Greg work on making patties while Edison cooks them on the stove. Laura is working on a side salad while Ashley tackles pumpkin pie.
		
		CHRIS
	How much of this are we making?

Edison looks at a growing pile of cooked patties on the counter.
		
		EDISON
	Call the neighbors?
		
		GREG
	No way. Neighbors suck.
		
		EDISON
	They do not.
		
		GREG
	You don't even have neighbors.
		
		EDISON
So? They're middle-class suburbanites, how fucked up could they possibly be?

Beat.
		
		GREG
	Think about what you just said.

Edison takes his apron off.
		
		GREG
	Where are you going?
		
		EDISON
	I'm getting your neighbors. Anyone else coming?

Ashley closes the oven.
		
		ASHLEY
	I'm in.

They leave.
		
		GREG
	So, Laura, I like your shoes. Where'd you get them?

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

Edison and Ashley walk across the street and knock on the door.
		
		EDISON
I don't get why he doesn't like his neighbors. Seems like a pretty friendly neighborhood.

The door flies open, EDGAR FRYE, 32, clad in boxers and a wifebeater, points a pistol.

Edison and Ashley both jump back.
		
		EDGAR
	Are you Jehovah's Witnesses?

Edgar cocks the gun.
		
		EDGAR
	Well?
		
		EDISON
	No! No... no.
		
		ASHLEY
	God, no.
		
		EDGAR
	Well, what in the hell are you doing here on my porch?

EDISON
I'm friends with the people across the street and we've got some extra food, so we thought we'd get the neighborhood in on some dinner.
		
		EDGAR
	Oh yeah? What's, uh, what's for dinner?
		
		EDISON
	Okay, get this. It's a chili dog... hamburger.

Beat.
		
		EDGAR
	What?
		
		EDISON
You take the-- actually, you know what, just trust me, it's exactly what you think it is.
		
		EDGAR
	Hmm.
		
		ASHLEY
	We've got pumpkin pie, too.

Edgar holsters his gun.

Edison and Ashley make their way down the street.

House-to-house: Edison and Ashley standing over a BROKER'S shoulder while he trades stocks online.
		
		ASHLEY
	So you don't even have to leave the house?
		
		BROKER
	Nope.
		
		EDISON
	You don't even have to put pants on, am I right?

Edison goes up for a high-five.

House-to-house: Edison and Ashley playing Halo with a couple of kids.
		
		EDISON
	You're horrible at this game.

Explosions from the TV. Ashley starts punching him in the arm. They wrestle a little... oblivious to the two kids in the room.

House-to-house: They're sorting through DVDs with a family.
		
		EDISON
	Oh, no way! You have the first season of "Coach"?

He starts thumbing through the case.
		
		EDISON
	Can I borrow this?

House-to-house: They're sitting down in a house with a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses.
		
		ASHLEY
So let me get this straight... only a few hundred thousand people are getting into heaven.
		
		NEIGHBOR #1
	Right.
		
		EDISON
	But you're adding more people to your religion?
		
		NEIGHBOR #1
	That's right.
		
		EDISON
	Doesn't that... you know, hurt your odds?

They're shoved outside, the door slams behind them.

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Edison and Ashley walk back in. Laura is holding a can, herself covered in whipped cream.
		
		EDISON
	What, uh... what happened?

LAURA
	I think there's something wrong with the pressure.

She shakes the can.
		
		EDISON
	Wow.
		
		LAURA
	What?
		
		EDISON
	It's just... wow.

She laughs.
		
		LAURA
	Are you just gonna stand there?
		
		EDISON
	Are you?

She grabs some towels and starts wiping herself off.
		
		ASHLEY
	Oh, let me help!

Time seems to slow down as Ashley grabs a towel and starts wiping down Laura. Edison just stares blankly.

In real time, Chris emerges from the bathroom. He turns to Edison.
		
		CHRIS
	What's going--

He stops dead in his tracks and joins in the staring.
		
		CHRIS
	Duuuuuude.

Oblivious to the lewd staring, Laura and Ashley finish up. Greg walks in.
		
		GREG
	Hey, sorry, I was in the garage. What'd I miss?

Chris and Edison both turn to Greg.
		
		CHRIS
	Wow.

They both walk away.
		
		GREG
	What?

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

Re-establishing.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

The table is set and the counters are clean. All the food is laid out.

Laura and Edison are perfecting the table. They glance at each other.

Greg catches their look. Chris and Ashley interrupt.
		
		CHRIS
	Dude, do you have any beer?

Beat.
		
		ASHLEY
	No, seriously.
		
		GREG
	What for?
		
		ASHLEY
	Seems like the proper thing for a dinner party.
		
		GREG
	I'm not having a bunch of drunk strangers in my house.
		
		CHRIS
	Why not? You got that new garage coating.
		
		GREG
	Yeah. In the garage.
		
		CHRIS
	Just throw some tarp on the floor, then.
		
		GREG
	Classy.

There's a knock on the door. Greg walks off.
		
		CHRIS
	Is that a yes?
		
		GREG (OS)
	No!

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Greg opens the front door. Edgar heads the front with the rest of the neighbors standing behind him.
		
		EDGAR
	Well, are you gonna let us in or not?
		
		GREG
	Is this a lynch mob?
		
		EDGAR
	No, dumbass. We're here for dinner.
		
		GREG
Oh. Come in. Hope, uh, hope you don't bring that mouth to the dinner table!

He laughs alone.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

Everyone is milling around the kitchen, finishing the food.

Edison stands up on a chair.
		
		EDISON
	Wow. Hey, I'm really touched that you all showed up.
		
		EDGAR
	Where's the pumpkin pie?

EDISON
Hold on there. You see, I was a little worried when I set out to knock on your doors.

Edison points at Greg.
		
		EDISON
Greg told me his neighbors were all fucked up middle-class head cases, so, you know, imagine my surprise!

He laughs. Alone.
		
		EDISON
	So, who's ready for some pie?

INT. GREG'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The neighbors are walking out, Edison is waving to them from the doorway.
		
		EDISON
	Hey, thanks again for coming over!

He shuts the door.
		
		EDISON
	That went well.
		
		GREG
	Oh, yeah definitely.

Greg is hanging upside down from the ceiling, covered in pumpkin pie.
		
		GREG
	Hey, come over here, I gotta tell you something.

Edison leans over.
		
		EDISON
	What?
		
		GREG
	I'm gonna fucking kill you!

He starts strangling him.
		
		EDISON
	(struggling)
	Stop--it's just--the--blood--going to your head—

Ashley sneaks up from behind and hits Greg in the face with a pie tin. He passes right out.
		
		EDISON
	Whoa, thanks.

She reaches back and slaps him in the face with the tin.
		
		EDISON
	What the hell was that for?
		
		ASHLEY
You got my pie all over him! I spent all that time making it and nobody even had a piece!

Beat.
		
		EDISON
	Sorry. Is he gonna be okay?
		
		ASHLEY
	We better get him down.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Chris and Laura help them set him in the tub.
		
		EDISON
	You don't think he has a concussion, do you?
		
		CHRIS
	Nah, he's probably fine.

Beat.
		
		CHRIS
	Let's wake him up.

They turn the hot water on, Greg snaps to.
		
		GREG
	Oh, dammit, what the hell happened?
		
		EDISON
	You don't remember?
		
		GREG
	No.
		
		LAURA
	What's the last thing you remember?
		
		GREG
	Edison was about to give a speech before dessert. What 
	happened after that?
		
		CHRIS
	Well, he ended up saying--
		
		EDISON
--that you have such wonderful, well-adjusted neighbors.

Beat.
		
		EDISON
	I did not tell them you said they were nuts.
		
		GREG
	Oh yeah?

Edison nods.
		
		GREG
	So uh, why am I covered in pumpkin pie?
		
		EDISON
	Food fight.
		
		GREG
But you guys are totally clean. And my head is killing me!
		
		ASHLEY
Yeah, you lost. Someone threw my pie at you. Like, really hard.
		
		GREG
	Huh.
		
		EDISON
	Yeah.
		
		GREG
	Man, what a night. I'm glad we did this.
		
		CHRIS
	Yeah.
		
		LAURA
	Me too.
		
		GREG
Glad I got on good terms with the neighborhood. It's nice to open up.

Beat.
		
		EDISON
	Yeah.

Greg looks on as the other four trade knowing glances.
		
		GREG
	Well, I'm gonna clean up, so, you know.

He waves them off.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Edison, Chris, Laura, and Ashley are sitting around the living room.
		
		EDISON
	That was a freebie.
		
		ASHLEY
	Seriously.
		
		CHRIS
	You were right about the burgers, though.
		
		ASHLEY
	Shame we never got to the pie.

Edison chuckles.
		
		EDISON
	Are you really pissed off about your pie?
		
		ASHLEY
	Yeah!
		
		EDISON
	You want me to buy you a pumpkin pie?
		
		ASHLEY
	It's not the same and you know it.
		
		EDISON
	What's the difference?
		
		ASHLEY
	I make my pies with love!
		
		EDISON
	Now I know you're fucking with me.

Ashley pouts as Laura laughs.
		
		LAURA
	You want me to kiss you and make it better?
		
		CHRIS
	I do.

Beat.
		
		CHRIS
	What?

Edison pats Ashley on the shoulder.
		
		EDISON
	Seriously, don't worry. I'll make it up to you. I'll bake 
	you something.
		
		CHRIS
	You don't know how to bake.
		
		EDISON
	I do too.

INT. EDISON'S HOUSE - DAY

Edison is in the kitchen, kneeling in front of an open stove.
		
		EDISON
Jeez, I thought I set this thing up to preheat 15 minutes ago. Must be a clog in the gas line.

He reaches for a lighter. Chris kicks it out of his hand.
		
		EDISON
	What the hell, man?

Edison grabs it and tries to light it again. Chris wrestles the lighter from him. A long fist fight breaks out... eventually Edison stops.
		
		EDISON
	Did you fart?
		
		CHRIS
Natural gas. If you lit that lighter you and I would be obliterated into the nearest wall.
		
		EDISON
	(knowingly)
	Ohhhhh.

Beat.
		
		EDISON
	So you did fart.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
		
		EDISON
	Oh yeah, I remember that.
		
		CHRIS
I know you just proved you can cook and all, but you're a death wish in front of the oven.

Edison turns to Ashley.
		
		EDISON
	Settle for an Easy Bake brownie?

She laughs.
		
		ASHLEY
	Sure.
		
		EDISON
Oh, I was kidding. I don't have an Easy Bake, what am I, like, six?

Chris laughs.
		
		EDISON
	Come on.

She gets up and walks away.
		
		CHRIS
	Where are you going?
		
		ASHLEY
	I gotta pee.

Beat.
		
		CHRIS
	Girls don't pee.

She's gone.
		
		EDISON
	So, Laura, how was your day?
		
		LAURA
	You know what, it was fun.
		
		EDISON
	Oh yeah?
		
		LAURA
	Yeah, it was like Thanksgiving. Everyone gathers around the table for a big feast, then by the end of the night people are pissed off and bitter.
		
		EDISON
	So much for the tryptophan.
		
		LAURA
	You'd think the turkey would make them docile.

Greg walks in.
		
		CHRIS
	Speaking of docile, I'm pretty tired.
		
		EDISON
	Hey, Greg, can we crash here?
		
		GREG
	I guess. You guys can use the blankets next to the 
	fireplace.

Greg is heading out of the room while everyone else starts laying covers out on the floor.
		
		GREG
	I'll be upstairs if you need anything.
		
		CHRIS
	What are you doing?
		
		GREG
	Sleeping in my own bed.

He leaves.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Later in the night. Everyone is asleep.

Edison wakes up.
		
		EDISON
	(whispering)
	Dammit, my back is killing me.

He reaches under and pulls out a roll of pennies.
		
		EDISON
	Outta fuckin' nowhere.

He tosses it aside and looks around... lingering on Laura.

Eventually, her eyes open. They look at each other without saying a word until she breaks the silence.
		
		LAURA
	Are you watching me sleep?

Beat.
		
		EDISON
Don't be ridiculous, you're--you're wide awake. Are you?
		
		LAURA
	Am I what?
		
		EDISON
	Watching me sleep.
		
		LAURA
	But I woke up and you were looking right at me.
		
		EDISON
	So you were.
		
		LAURA
	No!
		
		EDISON
	Hey, I'm not mad.

She smiles and rolls her eyes. He turns around and breathes some relief.

A big smile creases over her face.

EXT. GREG'S HOUSE - DAY

Mid-morning.

INT. GARAGE – DAY

Chris, Greg, and Edison are standing around the finished product.
		
		CHRIS
	So, where do we shoot this thing?

Beat.
		
		CHRIS
	Well?
		
		GREG
	I don't know.
		
		CHRIS
	What do you mean, you don't know?
		
		GREG
	I never thought about it.
		
		CHRIS
You woke us up yesterday with these grand promises of a giant cannon and now we can't even shoot it?

Greg's stomach rumbles.

EXT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Everyone's outside finishing some donuts.
		
		CHRIS
	Now that you have food, will you answer my question?
		
		GREG
	Whoa, let a man eat.

Chris rolls his eyes.
		
		EDISON
	God, these custard-filled ones are awesome.
		
		ASHLEY
	The filling looks gross.
		
		EDISON
Oh, like your purple jelly preservative crap is any better.
		
		ASHLEY
	Yeah, it is.

Beat.
		
		EDISON
	Trade?
		
		ASHLEY
	Sure.

They switch donuts for a second. Edison looks up at Ashley and laughs.
		
		ASHLEY
	What?
		
		EDISON
	Hold still.

She backs up a little as he wipes some custard off her upper lip, cracking a smile as Laura looks on half-heartedly.
		
		EDISON
	Custard.
		
		ASHLEY
	It was good, actually.
		
		EDISON
	Can't say I feel that way about your jelly.

Greg catches Laura's empty glance.
		
		GREG
The maple bar is where it's at. You should--you should try it.
		
		LAURA
	Oh, no thanks. I'm pretty full.

Beat.
		
		GREG
	Well fine then.

He squints at her and crams the rest into his mouth. Chris looks at him.
		
		CHRIS
	Are you done, now?
		
		GREG
	(still chewing)
	What do you think?

Chris crosses his arms.
		
		LAURA
	I think I know where we can shoot this thing.

The guys all turn to her.
		
		CHRIS/GREG/EDISON
	Where?

Laura looks down at the freshly chewed maple bar on her clothes.

EXT. JOE ALBI STADIUM – DAY

Later in the day, at a good-sized football stadium.

In the parking lot, Greg is carrying the massive potato gun, while Chris is lugging a bag of potatoes. Everyone else follows behind.
		
		ASHLEY
	So how does this work again?
		
		CHRIS
	Well, you see the cap on the big end?
		
		ASHLEY
	Yeah.
		
		CHRIS
	You unscrew that, spray some propellant in there--
		
		ASHLEY
	Propellant?
		
		CHRIS
You know, like cheap hair spray or something. Anyway, you spray a little in there, close up the cap tight.
		
		ASHLEY
	Then what?
		
		CHRIS
Then you stuff the potato in the front. Push the red button to make it go.
		
		ASHLEY
	All that from some hair spray?
		
		CHRIS
	Crazy, huh?

Greg stops and everyone follows suit.
		
		GREG
	Good find.
		
		LAURA
	Thank you.

They look out... on the opposite side of the stadium is a nice clearing.
		
		GREG
	Alright, well let's do this then.

Greg stands the gun up.
		
		GREG
	Uh, combustion dude.

Edison unscrews the cap and unloads some hair spray into the back, quickly twisting the cap back on. Greg flips the gun to the opposite side.
		
		GREG
	Loader.

Chris takes a potato and jams it into the barrel, then Greg cradles it in his arm.
		
		GREG
	Without further delay--oh, you guys might want to back up 
	and get down.

Everyone takes a few steps back. Greg clears his throat.
		
		GREG
	Okay, uh, without further delay... three.

Edison looks up.
		
		GREG
	Two.

Laura covers her head.
		
		GREG
	One.

He depresses the red button to a "click".

POW!

SLOW: The force knocks Greg to the ground while the potato takes off perfectly. 

Edison stands up, Laura cowers while looking out of one eye, Ashley goes wide-eyed, and Chris gets up to clap, all while watching the potato take flight.

It keeps going, and going...

Suddenly their eyes all squint as they try to get a better look.

The potato slams into the scoreboard on the other side with a solid thud, followed by the crackle of electricity.

Their faces all turn to shock.

END SLOW.
		
		CHRIS
	Damn, dude.
		
		ASHLEY
	Wow.
		
		LAURA
	Yeah, wow.

Edison brushes his hair back.
		
		EDISON
	Amazing.

He turns to Greg.

Greg finally stands up with his potato gun.
		
		GREG
	There is a God.

Beat.

Suddenly, alarms goes off through the empty stadium. He looks around.
		
		GREG
	The fuck is that?
		
		CHRIS
	I don't think we should stick around to find out.
		
		GREG
	Agreed.

Beat.

Greg drops the potato gun as everyone takes off running.

Cop sirens start to surface. Edison comes running back the other way for the potato gun.
		
		EDISON
	God dammit, that's got our fingerprints on it!
			
			BLACK OUT.