2Final Draft, Inc. Final Draftd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ade in. Ext. Building site-day. A silver Lexus rolls to a stop just inside the main gates, Neil Purves, a eager young property salesman speed walks over. Out climbs husband and wife Phillip and Brenda Trent. Rich, stuck up and in a hurry. Neil Miss trent you look lovely today. Brenda Dont i look lovely everyday? NEIL Im not lucky enough to see you everyday. Phillip When your finished trying to molest my wife weve got a appointment to stick to. Neil leads them through the dusty site to the house. NEIL Well as you can see this three bedroom, three storey townhouse is set within picturesque surroundings. Brenda and phillip have heard it all before. Neil (CONTD) The development offers the peace and tranquility of the countryside but, on the flip side its within easy commuting distance to Newcastle city centre. Neil opens the front door to the townhouse and signals them to enter. INT. house-day. NEIL The house itself has been designed in a traditional style to ensure that it blends sympathetically with the surrounding village it belongs. Brenda and Phillip are not impressed by Neils flowery words, Neil leads them through a hallway and on to the living room. NEIL (CONTD) The contemporary specifications have been tastefully considered, The living areas are all open plan which offers versatility for the modern couple. As they move to the kitchen Neil notices Phillip check his watch. NEIL (CONTD) Moving swiftly on we have the kitchen and breakfasting area on the ground floor. Neil turns, rushes past them and bolts up the staircase and opens a door. NEIL (CONTD) Lounge, dinning room and study to the first floor with front door access. 00020000068A000006AC684,Neil tackles staircase number two, quickly followed by the Trents. NEIL (CONTD) The second floor features three large bedrooms and a family bathroom. Neil points to the bedrooms and moves on. NEIL (CONTD) And this the master bedroom one of the largest rooms in the house features a luxurious Italian marble en suite bathroom. The Trents have been won over. Neil opens the door to the en suite, the Trents faces drop. Brenda starts to wretch. Sitting on the toilet in there new luxurious en suit is builder, Eddie Price, a lovable rogue in his early thirties, Eddie has his trousers around his ankles, daily sport in hand, straining for Britain. Eddie (looks up) Morning. Eddie splatters the bowl. Eddie (CONTD) Dodgey kebab last night, my guts are fucking turning. PHILLIP Jesus christ it smells like dog shit, lets go darling. The Trents take off at speed, Neil isnt far behind. EXT. bUILDING SITE-DAY. Neil catches them at there car. NEIL Im so sorry i hope this doesnt put you off. BRENDA Phillip, i can taste it in my mouth. PHILLIP Youve not heard the last of this. The Trents screach off leaving Neil standing in a cloud of dust. INT. gaffers office-day. Eddie and Neil are sat at a desk, Eddie is fiddling with staple gun. The door bursts open and in struts Dave Hudson, Eddies boss. Hes in his mid fifties, stocky, looks like a boxer. He sits down opposite the pair. Dave (To Eddie.) You took a shit in the en suite? EDDIE I was bursting DAVE There is no running water we cant get rid of the smell, its going to need fumigated. NEIL Or condemned. DAVE You might as well of pulled your trousers down and took a shit in the middle of the kitchen floor. 0002000006FE00000D306F8,EDDIE I nearly did it was touch and go for a second. NEIL The Trents are our best costumers, Mr. Trent is a architect. Eddie Why doesnt he build a house then? DAVE Incase you take a shit in it. NEIL Hes wrote books. EDDIE So, I could write a book. NEIL You can write? EDDIE I can punch your lips off. DAVE Enough. Dave looks at Eddie, they both know what has to be done. INT.bar-day. A half empty bar. Melinda Bell and her husband to be, Paul Short are sat at the window with there friend Susan Dale, they are all in there early thirties and attractive. We join them in mid conversation. Melinda This should have been arranged weeks ago. Paul The bloke on the phone said there not booked up or anything. MELINDA Thats funny because when I phoned him he said that we would need to book at least three weeks in advance. Paul cant look at Melinda. MELINDA (CONTD) You just don't want to be seen on the back of a horse and cart incase your friends take the piss. PAUL Its not that, I just always thought if I ever found my self in a situation that called for me to get on the back of a horse and cart I would be hanging of the side of the galloping mule taking pot shots at a highway robber or something. Susan In Newcastle PAUL It could happen. SUSAN Yeah, big market Saturday night. MELINDA I suppose anything could happen when you go drinking with Eddie, oh I knew I was going to mention something. PAUL What now? MELINDA Im not really comfortable with Eddie being the best man. PAUL But hes my best friend thats sort of how it works. MELINDA Could you not have three best men so Eddies part of the speech is really short? PAUL Hell be pissed long before the speech thing. MELINDA Exactly, you know what hes like hell get his balls out or piss in the punch or something. 0002000006BF000014286B9,SUSAN Hes not that bad. PAUL Yeah he is actually. SUSAN Well I think hes funny. MELINDA Christ dont tell him that. SUSAN Why. PAUL Hell get his balls out. They all laugh. MELINDA (To Paul.) Have you told him about the house yet? PAUL No not yet. MELINDA Well here is your chance. All three watch out of the window as Eddie struts through the car park towards the bar. The doors burst open. EDDIE (shouting) Big lump of cock. Eddie heads straight for the bar. EDDIE (CONTD) (to barmaid) Pint of Stella lover. Paul joins him at the bar. PAUL Make that two and two slim line vodkas, whats up? EDDIE I got peddled PAUL Shit. They take there drinks back to the table. MELINDA Hi Eddie we were just talking about you. Paul shakes his head furiously PAUL Eddies got some bad news. SUSAN What is it? EDDIE I got sacked for having a enormous shit. MELINDA Where did you shit? EDDIE In the toilet...of a show house...that was being viewed. SUSAN Did you actually get caught in mid shit? EDDIE In the middle of the worst morning after the night before meaty slurry to ever stain the a toilet bowl. PAUL Did they choke? EDDIE They were clawing at there throats. SUSAN So what you going to do? EDDIE (To Susan.) Do you still think I am sexy? SUSAN. I never did. EDDIE Liar. We watch all four characters over the course of the night get more drunk, laughing, singing, dancing, spilling drinks. Paul heads off to the jukebox, on his way back we hear the first bars of MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE. EDDIE (CONTD) I fucking hate this song it gets on my cock end. SUSAN Speaking of cock ends did you know, He can have sex for seven hours. EDDIE I could do that. MELINDA You cant keep a job for seven hours. SUSAN Stop picking on him. EDDIE 00020000071800001AE1712,Thats it stick up for your boyfriend. SUSAN Your not my boyfriend. EDDIE You cant fight your desires for ever. MELINDA Do you know what my favorite Sting song is? PAUL. Here we go MELINDA EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE, its so romantic. EDDIE How is it romantic its about a stalker, every breath you take every move you make I'll be watching you, its fucking creepy. MELINDA Its not creepy, its romantic. EDDIE Im sure its all very romantic until he climbs through your bedroom window and rubs one out in your face while your sleeping. MELINDA Do you have to be so disgusting EDDIE. Yeah. MELINDA Do you know what would be great? PAUL If I rubbed one out in your face while you were sleeping Eddie and Paul find this hilarious. MELINDA If dad was still here, he always said when I got married he would sing after he gave me away at the wedding. The mood changes, Susan smiles sympathetically at Melinda. EDDIE I could do that. PAUL You cant sing EDDIE Neither can he. SUSAN Who? EDDIE Sting PAUL What you talking about? EDDIE I could get Sting to give you away at your wedding. They all look at each other, confused, Eddie is so drunk he has completely misheard whats been said, Melinda gets caught up in the moment. MELINDA How would that happen? EDDIE Easy. PAUL Did I miss something? EDDIE Those celeb lot do things like that all the time its good publicity for them. MELINDA How much do you think it would cost? EDDIE Nothing I'll just charm the cock off him anyway, its not like he needs the money, it will be my wedding gift to you, because I'm skint as fuck. SUSAN Your a nutcase. EDDIE Not really isnt he on tour over here, I'll just wait until hes in Newcastle then I'll pounce on him. PAUL He was in Newcastle last week smart arse. EDDIE Details, details, Just leave it to me, its in the bag. 000200000675000021F366F,MELINDA I love you. EDDIE I know, your getting married to the wrong man. We watch the bar empty until only our four drunks are left, a barman clears the table. Barman Have a good night. Our gang stagger out in to the night. EXT. street-night All four characters sing their way through a private housing estate, curtains twitch and dogs bark. INT.pauls house-night This is a three bedroom house in a good neighbourhood, The house is owned by Paul, Eddie lodges there. INT. .PAULS HOUSE-kitchen-NIGHT. Eddie pulls out a bottle of wine from the fridge and starts to pour it in to cups and glasses. MELINDA So whats the sleeping arrangements? EDDIE Susan can have my bed I'll sleep on the settee. SUSAN What a gentleman. EDDIE Im joking I'm dying to see you naked. SUSAN But I dont sleep naked. EDDIE Youll wake up that way, trust me. PAUL On that bomb shell. Paul and Melinda grab the wine and head off upstairs. MELINDA (To Susan) Your on your own. SUSAN Nice. INT. pauls house-eddies bedroom-night. Susan strips and climbs in to bed, o.s. We hear Eddie singing as he tackles the stairs. The bedroom door swings open and Eddie falls in much to the amusement of Susan. Eddie quickly jumps to his feet and starts to dance, thrusting his hips in every direction imaginable. He attempts to peel his trousers off in a seductive manner Susan is laughing so much she nearly chokes. Eddie finally strips down to his boxer shorts and stands at the foot of the bed. EDDIE I hope your ready for this. SUSAN For what? EDDIE Some sex warrior pudding. He takes a run up to the bed and throws his loose limbs at it. INT.pauls house-kitchen-morning. 0002000007BD000028627B7,Melinda, Susan and Paul are sat at the dinning table eating toast and drinking coffee. PAUL (To Melinda) We should have waited until your mother left before we invited my parents, you know what my dads like hell only try and grab your mothers arse. MELINDA What is with the arse grabbing thing anyway? PAUL My dad hasnt got a clue when it comes to women so when hes shit faced, which is pretty much every waking minute he thinks hes Don Juan. Susan (To Paul) What does your mother say? PAUL She couldnt give a shit as long as he isnt touching her. MELINDA But its alright for my poor mother to stand there and be subject to a sexual assault? PAUL Its hardly sexual assault, I think if he stopped doing it secretly she would miss it. MELINDA Miss the warm and tender touch of a beetroot faced piss head, the romance of it. PAUL Boy meets girl, boy grabs girls arse, boy drops to the floor in a puddle of his own piss and vomit, Romeo and Juliet pale in comparison. SUSAN She should grab his balls. PAUL Hes got a sist on his left one, hed hit the fucking roof. (OS) A moan and burp, Eddie staggers to the kitchen, jeans undone and no top on. EDDIE Whos got a sist on there lefty. PAUL No one. MELINDA Pauls dad. EDDIE Thats funny as fuck wait until I see him. PAUL (To Susan) Well done. EDDIE (To himself) Twisted cock. Melinda hands Eddie a plate full of toast, eggs and a cup of tea. MELINDA There you go darling, you sit yourself down and enjoy. EDDIE Sweet. Eddie crunches the toast and takes a big slurp of his tea, all eyes are on him, he picks up left over glass of wine and downs it. SUSAN Animal. EDDIE (Thrusting) Your damn right I am, what did you think of the quality shapes that I produced in the bedroom last night? SUSAN Unreal. Eddie is very pleased with him self. SUSAN (CONTD) I particularly enjoyed the one where you stripped off to your boxers, hurled yourself at the bed and were asleep before your limp intoxicated body hit the mattress. 0002000006C0000030196BA,PAUL Thats his signature move. EDDIE Plucked from the pages of the karma sutra. MELINDA (To Eddie) So... whats the plan of attack? Eddie is clueless. EDDIE (Still crunching) Whats my what? MELINDA You know my special wedding present. EDDIE Oh present, I dont know ...probably just steal something that looks like it could of cost a lot. Melinda and Susan laugh, Paul realizes that Eddie hasnt got a clue what is going on. MELINDA Is that right? EDDIE Or something ornate bound in leather PAUL (To Eddie) Can I speak to you outside a second? Eddie gets up tea and toast in hand. EXT. pauls house-back garden-day The garden is tidy, a patio and short cut grass. Eddie stands with his back to the kitchen window, over his shoulder we can see Melinda and Susan watching with curiosity. PAUL Dont you know whats going on? EDDIE (Crunching his toast) Cause I do, Susan is just saying I fell asleep because she doesnt want to admit that I nudged something loose last night. PAUL No you nutcase with Mel... the wedding present. EDDIE (Still crunching) I was just joking about stealing a present, I've got about three hundred pound left so I'll spend about fifty... PAUL You really dont remember do you? EDDIE (Confused) What. INT.PAULS HOUSE-KITCHEN-day. Melinda and Susan are sat at the kitchen table watching Eddie and Paul through the window. MELINDA I wonder what thats all about? SUSAN Maybe Paul is telling Eddie that stealing your best friends a wedding gift isnt very responsible. MELINDA Maybe Eddie is saying, I will steal you a present and if I get caught I'll just wave my nuts at them. SUSAN Maybe Paul is saying, when my parents turn up dont mention my dads left nut, hes a bit sensitive about it. 000200000665000036D365F,MELINDA Maybe Paul is out there now spilling the beans on how you dumped Stuart a month ago and how you really like Eddie but you think hes a bit mad. SUSAN He wouldnt... Ext.pauls House-garden-day Eddie is stood motionless, hes just been delivered the news. EDDIE Sting...I fucking hate sting. PAUL Im not bothered if you hate him or not, you promised. EDDIE I was shit faced so was Melinda, shes probably not that bothered anyway, she knows I'm a dick. PAUL Not bothered I fucking wish, I've had no sleep all night because all I've heard is Eddie this and Eddie that, how your so sweet and how its the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her. Eddie stands lapping up the praise. PAUL (CONTD) And if anyone can do it Eddie can because hes got that devil may care attitude the kind of attitude that gets you what you want, all fucking night in my ear, your the smart arse who says he can do anything so go and get sting to give my wife away at our wedding or my life will be a living hell. EDDIE For fuck sake, when is the wedding? PAUL You dont know when my wedding is? EDDIE Cause I do. A long silence. EDDIE (CONTD) No, when? PAUL A week today. EDDIE A week today a week today...a weeks today...and hes in the country? PAUL Yeah hes touring until the end of the week, I think hes in birmingham tonight. EDDIE Right, I'll make some calls, piece of piss. PAUL That easy. EDDIE That easy. PAUL Agents, managers, publicist that sort of thing. Paul guides Eddie back inside the house. Eddie How big is this lump on your dads nut? INT.PAULS HOUSE-KITCHEN-DAY. The girls are still talking, Eddie heads upstairs. 0002000006F900003D326F3,MELINDA (To Paul) What was that all about, a bit of a male bonding session? PAUL You better get ready our parents will be here soon, and you Susan or it will be you my dad tries to touch up. MELINDA Where is Eddie gone? PAUL To get dressed, hes got a big day ahead of him in fact hes got a big week. MELINDA Why? Eddie swaggers down the stairs ready to take on the world. EDDIE What do you mean why, if you want that Sting bloke to give you away I should strike while the iron is hot. Melindas face lights up, she jumps on Eddie. EDDIE (CONTD) She wants me. They all laugh. EDDIE (CONTD) Right I've got a couple of things to do,I'll be back in a couple of hours. With that Eddie makes a sharp exit. Int.butchers-day A family run shop. Stuart, Susans ex boyfriend, trendy hair cut and fake tan serves one of the regulars Stuarts dad Derek, stands behind him hacking up a leg of lamb, hes heard all of his sons storys before. Stuart I feel like I could bench press a small bus, I think the secret is a protein shake before the gym and another one straight after, I've also just started to shave my chest and you can really see my Pecs now. CUSTOMER Wow. O.S. A bang on the shop window. Stuart his farther and the customer all turn to see, Eddie, he is standing pressed up against the window air fucking for Britain. EDDIE Oh Susan, oh Susan lick me in my nuts, put your fingers in my hoop. Stuart starts to shake with anger his face turns a even deeper red, he picks up the customers meat and tosses it at the window. Customer (To Stuart) You plank. Stuart (To Eddie) You little shit bag. Eddie stands back from the window and throws Stuart a cool wink. Ext.high street-day Strut turned up to ten, confidence seeping from every pore, Eddie hits the street on a mission. 000200000EDD00004425ED7,INT.PAULS HOUSE-day Paul is standing at the window. PAUL Here they are. Paul answers the door and in steps his parents, Mary and Ted. Clothes, make up and voice, everything about Mary is loud, she heads straight for Melinda. Mary (kissing) Lets look at you, You not pregas yet? MELINDA Not yet. MARY No lead in his pencil, I told him not to start drinking so young it messes with your baby makers. Ted is a happy red faced glazey eyed drunk with a whiskey voice. Ted (to Melinda) So what is left to sort out? MELINDA Well my dress needs taken up I've been on a diet, I've lost a stone. MARY A diet there was nothing on you any way I've used bigger tampons PAUL Jesus, do you have to? MARY Well look at her she used to be all curvy something to grab on to in the throws of passion. TED Dont mind her shes going through the change, you know nausea, hot flushes, dizzy spells. MARY Im sure you would feel dizzy if all you had to eat all day was half a biscuit. TED Well try eating the other half then. MARY I tried, It fell in to my cup of tea. TED So drink the tea. MARY I cant you know tea gives me hot flushes. TED Why do I bother? Susan walks in. MARY Theres the chief bridesmaid. SUSAN Hi. MARY So have you set the big day yet? SUSAN Thats not going to happen. MARY Why not? SUSAN Hes a Ponce. MARY So your single again? MELINDA Not if Eddie has anything to do with it. MARY You want to keep away from him hes trouble MELINDA Hes not that bad. The door bell rings. PAUL That will be your mam. Melinda opens the door and hugs her mother, Barbara Short, she is a quiet and gentle woman, Ted doesnt waste any time, he leans in for the kill, his hands manage to slip down to her arse while he hugs her, Melinda shakes her head. MELINDA Have a seat mum. Barbara waits for Ted to sit down then picks the chair thats the furthest away. Barbara (to Melinda) So is everything sorted? MELINDA Yeah pretty much, we have the final fitting tomorrow and thats about it I think. BARBARA Are you sure your eating okay? You look like a praying mantis. MELINDA I just want to look good for the phots thats all. MARY A couple of good home cooked dinners will sort you out. SUSAN Right the kettle has just boiled anyone want a biscuit? TED Mary will have half. Int.library-day Eddie approaches the information desk, the girl sitting in the chair is young, spotty and slow. EDDIE Any chance I can use the internet? Librarian Have you got a card? EDDIE What card? LIBRARIAN A library card. EDDIE No. LIBRARIAN You need a library card to use the internet. EDDIE Could I not just use someone elses card? LIBRARIAN You can if they are there with you. Eddie has a quick look around. EDDIE Cheers. Eddie wonders off in to a crowd of students that are heading upstairs. INT.library-internet room-day A row of thirty computers each one taken, Eddie walks down the row looking over the shoulder of each student, he spots a folder with the name John Walker written on it in black ink, he doubles back. EDDIE (To the crowd) Is there a John walker here a John walker? A skinny man with long hair and glasses looks up. John walker Yeah thats me, is there a problem? EDDIE No there is a phone call for you on the next floor, the bottom floor. JOHN WALKER Oh, okay Ill just log off. EDDIE Ill keep an eye on it for you, You can come back after you call. JOHN WALKER Nice one man, cheers. John heads off down stairs, Eddie sits in Johns seat and gets to work. We watch the monitor as Eddie types in a bunch of key words and quickly scans the contents of the sites. Pictures of Sting, song titles, fan sites and tour dates flash before us, Eddie starts to jot down names and numbers. Eddie takes a quick look behind him to see if there is any sign of john walker before clicking the print button and heading off. 000200000622000052FC61C,INT.library-information desk-day Eddie approaches the desk. EDDIE Print outs for John walker. The librarian starts to print his sheets, she hands him a big pile. LIBRARIAN That will be three pounds please. EDDIE Put it on my account. Eddie heads off. EXT. high street-day Eddie fingers through his pile of print outs and dials a number, a females voice answers. Female voice Good morning creative artists Linda speaking how may I help you? EDDIE (in to phone) Hello this is Eddie price would it be possible to speak to the sting please FEMALE VOICE (giggling) Hes not actually here, what was it concerning? EDDIE I was just wondering if he would be free to give my friend away at her wedding. FEMALE VOICE I dont think so hes pretty busy. EDDIE So is my friend shes getting married, is that a yes or no. The phone goes dead, Eddie dials a different number and another and another, we watch him walk and talk his way down the high street shouting down his phone and tossing sheets of paper over his shoulder until he is left with only one, the sheet shows all the dates of the current Sting British tour. Eddie stops, he knows what has to be done. INT.butchers-day Stuart is cutting meat he turns to see Eddie at the window doing his best mock sex impression. Stuart Ill fucking kill you. Eddie takes off pissing himself laughing. INT.PAULS HOUSE-DAY. Everyone is sat around the table looking at wedding magazines, Eddie bursts in with his phone to his ear, EDDIE (down phone) Keep that I'll be there in twenty minuets. PAUL Be where in twenty minuets? 0002000006A20000591869C,EDDIE (to Paul) I need a suit bag quick and my suit. Eddie takes off upstairs. MELINDA (shouting) Eddie what you doing? Why do you need a suit bag and suit? Eddie races back down the stairs with clothes spilling out of a bag. EDDIE Im off to Birmingham. MARY Why the hell would you want to go to Birmingham EDDIE To see Sting and make him give Melinda away on her wedding day. Melinda jumps up with excitement MELINDA Honestly are you really? Your mad. EDDIE I need a lift or I'll never make the train. TED This I've got to see. MELINDA Me too. Everyone jumps up from there chairs and heads for the front door, Barbara is left behind drinking her tea. SUSAN Im going to head off or I'll be late for work. Susan leans in and kisses Eddie on the cheek. SUSAN (CONTD) Good luck Eddie. Int.pauls car-moving-day Eddie is sandwiched between Mary and Ted in the back of the car, Paul puts his foot down on the motorway. Mary and Ted have just been dropped the bomb shell MARY (To Eddie) And you think hes just going to roll over and say yes do you? EDDIE When he gets a doze of the Eddie charm he will. TED Your a mad man. EDDIE Shush bent cock. TED Its a sist you twat. EDDIE If you insist. Paul and Melinda laugh quietly to themselves. Ext.train Station-day Pauls car finds a space,the gang jump out and run inside. Int.train Station-day A young blonde sits bored behind the ticket desk, the gang approach. EDDIE I have a ticket booked, three thirty to Birmingham. The blonde hits some keys. Young blonde Yeah , I'll just print it out. The ticket takes seconds to print out, she hands it over to Eddie. YOUNG BLONDE (CONTD) You should hurry, you only have three minuets before it leaves. 00020000063500005FB462F,They turn and bolt. TED I cant run. MELINDA Why? TED My nut hurts. EDDIE Come on bent sack. MELINDA Keep up. They run half the length of the station over a steel bridge which takes them to all the platforms with even numbers. PAUL What platform do we want? Still running Eddie checks his ticket. Eddie Platform two. Looking around Mary suddenly points in excitement. MARY There...there it is at the very end. In the distance we see a sign with a big two printed on it, The conductor blows his whistle and begins to climb the stairs to the train. TED Shit its about to leave. MARY Run, run Eddie run. Eddie doesnt need to be told twice he takes off leaving his friends to eat his dust, the train starts to move off, Paul,Melinda Mary and Ted all run behind Eddie shouting and cheering, Eddie reaches the train just in time to jump in before the door closes. The train heads off, turns the corner and slides off in to the distance. The foursome stand on the platform exhausted. MARY (CONTD) My god I think I've just wet myself. Ted My nut hurts. Int train-day Eddie slides back in his seat, takes a brief look around at the half empty carriage, content he closes his eyes and drifts off. Ext. birmingham nec-night. Eddie strolls through the carpark,suit bag in hand, head long into a thousand strong crown of Sting fans. EDDIE Shit. The wave of fans slowly moves forward, As they head for the main entrance, he causally bares right and makes his way around the back of the arena. This area is a maze of tour busses, coaches, expensive cars, limos, catering vans wires and cables. 000200000636000065E3630,He maneuvers through the maze like a burglar, he stops beside a large coach, takes out his phone and dials. EDDIE (CONTD) (In to phone) Hello its me. The voice we can hear on the other end is pauls. PAUL Where are you? EDDIE I have to be quiet I've got a sneaky little plan. PAUL A sneaky little plan for what? Still moving through the fleet of coaches. EDDIE Im going to get myself on Stings tour bus and when he comes out bingo hes mine. PAUL Youll get your self arrested mad head. Suddenly Eddie stops in his tracks, something has caught his attention. PAUL (CONTD) Are you there? EDDIE Wait, I've just heard something. He creeps along side a large shinny bus and listens for a moment, moaning and heavy panting can be heard coming from a open window. PAUL What is it? EDDIE I can hear someone fucking. PAUL Liar. Eddie moves closer and pulls himself up, through the window we see the back of a woman, she is straddling a man we cant see the mans face. The woman starts to ride faster her moaning gets loader and loader, she is vocal Woman Oh Roger you feel so good inside me. Eddie drops down from the window. EDDIE (In to phone) Ill phone you back. Eddie switches his phone into camera mode, pulls himself back up to the window and presses record, he hangs there until he captures a good sixty seconds of footage. When the couple are finished they wrap there arms around each other, Eddie jumps down. EDDIE (CONTD) (To himself) Sweet. Int.arena-backstage-night A group of musicians and road crew stand in a circle in the middle is Sting, he is holding a bass guitar. 00020000064100006C1363B,A man,40, steps forward with a sheet of paper, the man is Peter, he is the arena manager. Peter Okay Sting one last thing its one of your fans birthday today and shes asked could you please wish her happy birthday? Sting Yeah no problem. PETER (Reading from sheet) Shes had a bad year, shes lost two of her dogs in tragic circumstances. The group lower there heads in respect. PETER (CONTD) One died in a house fire trying to save the other one. The group sigh. STING How did the other one die? PETER What do you mean? STING You said there was two. PETER Yeah there was. STING One died trying to save the other one so what happened to the other one? PETER The first one failed so the other one died too. The group all sigh together. PETER (CONTD) On the plus side she said she would love to have sex with you. The group giggle. STING How old is she? PETER Shes eighty nine today. STING Nice. With that the group all head for the stage. Ext.arena-night Eddie is crouched behind a truck on the other side are a couple of roadies and crew members engaged in polite conversation, they are sat opposite a fire exit door that is being propped open by a snare drum. (OS) we hear the concert begin, Eddie waits until the crew have turned in the opposite direction, he hides his bag out of sight then makes a run for the fire exit. Int.arena-hallway-night There are doors on either side of the hallway, he slowly creeps up, a door opens on one side then another on the other side then another, the hallway quickly fills up with all kinds of people, Eddie is stood still in the middle of the rush. 0002000006710000724E66B,Tiny, a large black security guard bounces off Eddie in the rush. Tiny Watch where you stepping man,do you have a pass? EDDIE Do you? Tiny looks down at the assortment of passes around his neck. EDDIE (CONTD) So. Ext.arena-night Tiny carries Eddie out of the fire exit and drops him. TINY Off you pop. EDDIE Dick head. He brushes himself down and strolls off. Series of shots A) AUDIENCE CHEER AND WHISTLE. B) STING WALKS OFF STAGE. C) LIGHTS GOT DOWN. D) CROWD SPILLS OUT OF ARENA. Ext.ARENA-NIGHT Eddie has retrieved his suit bag and mixed in with a small crowd of about fifteen Sting fans, they are headed for the back of the arena where he has just been thrown out of. Among this crowd are Harry, Max and Sally.. all mid twentys all wearing bright red T-shirts with pictures of Stings face on them. They all look like science geeks. Harry is starring at Eddie. EDDIE You looking at my arse? Harry No just your dirty. EDDIE So would you be if a talking mountain had just man handled you. Max Youve been attacked? EDDIE One of Stings security men has a thing for me. Sally Where did this happen? Eddie points up ahead as they walk. EDDIE Just inside. They reach the back entrance, a crowd of fans and security wait for the main man to exit. SALLY So how long have you been a Sting fan? EDDIE Im not I think the mans a twat. They look at each other, confused. MAX So why are you here? The crowd cheers,whistles, sting strolls out the exit with his ten strong entourage,agent, assistant, manager etc. The crowd start to mob him for autographs, Eddie and his new friends move forward, Eddie pushes his way to the front, now face to face. 000200000637000078B9631,Sting You want a autograph? EDDIE Not really, but I do need a favour. Sting and his people are curious. STING And what would that be? EDDIE Well my mate Melinda is getting married and I need you to give her away. The crowd are taken back by the cheek of it, some laugh other catch flys STING Whats wrong with her dad? EDDIE Hes dead. The crowd look at him sad, Stings manager buts in, shes in her fifties but trying to look forty, her name is Rose. Rose Come on we haven't got time for this, weve got a schedule to keep to. STING Im sorry man. They start to head off. EDDIE (to sting) Whos that your mother? The crowd laugh, Rose doesnt ROSE How dare you I'll have you thrown out. EDDIE Im getting used to that. Crowd laughs. Suddenly Tiny steps forward. TINY I thought it was you, piss off. EDDIE Back off before someone gets hurt. TINY Bring it on bitch The crowd make room for the too. STING Come on there is no need for this. EDDIE Sting give my friend away and I will not hurt king kong. Eddie starts to duck and weave. TINY Youve done it now Tiny starts to warm up, Sting looks at Rose then at Eddie. STING When is this wedding? EDDIE This Friday at one. Sting looks back at rose. ROSE There is no way we are way to busy. STING How busy? Eddie starts to swing practice shots. ROSE Were not even in the country on Friday. The crowd sigh in disappointment. STING Im sorry kid. Eddie is pissed off. EDDIE Sorry isnt good enough. Sting shrugs apologetically. TINY Come on hard man. Eddie stares into tinys eyes. EDDIE Youve done it now man thing, your going to die. 000200000B3B00007EEAB35,Eddie charges at Tiny, the crowd shoots off in different directions, tiny grabs him, lifts him high above his shoulders and throws him to the ground. Eddie lands with a THUD, WINDED. The crowd disperse, Sting and his gang wonder off to there tour bus leaving Eddie to get his breath back. He struggles to his feet, the tour bus heads off, Eddie stands in a cloud of dust. Max, Sally and Harry are standing just yards away, Harry begins to walk over when suddenly Eddie takes off after the tour bus. HARRY What you doing? Harry, Sally and Max look on, the bus pulls out of the arena gates and rounds the corner, quickly pursued by Eddie. Int.tour Bus-night Sting lightly strums his guitar while Rose speed talks her way through there schedule. Stings assistant Louise Davison is making a pot of tea, she is small pretty and quietly spoken. Louise (to sting) Was it one sugar? ROSE Two for me. Sting smiles at Louise and nods, tiny exits the toilet but leaves the door open. STING Shut that door man the smell is starting to hurt my lungs. ROSE Have you even flushed it? TINY I flushed it three times. STING Three times, Christ how long was it? TINY It wasnt so much the length but the girth. STING Thats what they all say. Tiny ponders sitting down. TINY I think I'm going to need a cushion. Ext.road-night Eddie appears out of knowwhere and charges up the drivers side of the bus Int.toUR BUS-NIGHT Louise dishes out the cups of tea. LOUISE Why is it men have no problem when it comes to talking about shit? TINY And women dont talk about shit? LOUISE Im just saying when it comes to talking about shit you guys seem to have a natural eye for detail you know youll describe the color, texture, length, smell. ROSE Taste. STING The taste. ROSE It was a joke. TINY I dont know I've smelled your breath. Ext.ROAD-NIGHT Still keeping up he notices a half open window and jumps for it. A man walking his dog stops and watches a very big tour bus speeding by with a man hanging on for his life. Int.toUR BUS-NIGHT STING (to Louise) Pass the remote family guy is about to start. Ext.tour bus-night Eddie pulls him self up and pokes his head through the window opposite Tiny Int.toUR BUS-NIGHT TINY What the hell... EDDIE Sit down big foot. Eddie looks at Sting. EDDIE (CONTD) Sting mate, be a mate. Tiny moves in quick and delivers a lightning fast blow to Eddie's face. Ext.ROAD-NIGHT The bus speeds past us as Eddie drops from the window, bounces off a pillow box and falls to the ground. Int.toUR BUS-NIGHT TINY Can you believe the cheeky little bastard? They all look out the window. STING Hes got some stones I'll give him that. Int.trAIN STATION-night The station is mostly empty, the odd drunken student makes a twat of him self. Eddie is sat opposite the departure board thumbing through the contacts on his phone, he lands on Paul but doesnt want to ring. 00020000063C00008A1F636,The lights on the departure board flicker, something catches his eye, he pulls the tour dates from his back pocket and stares. EDDIE (To himself) Cardiff. He thinks for a second then jumps to his feet, heads for the ticket desk, mind made up. Int.pAULS HOUSE-living room-night Melinda and Susan are sat on the sofa drinking red wine and flicking through wedding brochures, Susan tops up Melinda's glass. MELINDA Easy tiger I cant be hung over tomorrow I've got that dress fitting. SUSAN Why you worried? Youve already lost a stone your going to look great. A cheeky grind creeps on Melinda's face. MELINDA I know. SUSAN Bitch. They laugh. SUSAN (CONTD) So what is Paul wearing, something sophisticated or a Newcastle top? Susan laughs to herself. MELINDA He actually suggested that after he proposed. SUSAN Your joking? MELINDA Not just the top, oh no, the shorts the socks... Susan is shocked. MELINDA (CONTD) ...and the icing on the cake...shin pads. They both curl up, laughing. MELINDA (CONTD) Hes sweet, he works for a living and owns his own house, which is more than I can say for some people. SUSAN Like who? Eddie. MELINDA I just wish he would settle him self down. SUSAN I think if you didnt give him such a hard time he might. MELINDA Youve got a soft spot for him haven't you? SUSAN Well, you know...hes funny and look what hes doing for you its a nice thing, not many people would do that. MELINDA Know one would, its insane, hes insane. SUSAN I wonder how hes getting on. Melinda grabs her phone and dials. MELINDA Its ringing. SUSAN Ask him if hes eating. 00020000062D00009055627,MELINDA Straight to answer phone. SUSAN Say something. MELINDA (in to phone) Hello Eddie just checking in to see if your okay don't do anything mad keep away from police and dont get your nuts out, good luck bye. SUSAN Dont get your nuts out. MELINDA He does that for some reason. Melinda checks her watch. MELINDA (CONTD) I wonder where Paul is, he should be in by now. SUSAN Where has he gone? MELINDA For a quiet drink with friends, apparently. INT.BAR-night. Loud, crowded. Paul and friends, Wayne and Norman are sat at a table watching Gaz, hes at the bar trying his best moves on a busty bar maid. Norman His patter is shit. Wayne He seems to be doing alright so far. NORMAN Wait for it. They watch as Gaz leans in and whispers something in to the bar maids ear. NORMAN (CONTD) Here we go. The bar maid steps back and delivers a slap to his face, the boys all crack up, Gaz walks back to the table with his tale between his legs and sits down. WAYNE I thought you were in there kid. Gaz So did i. NORMAN What did you whisper? GAZ Im not telling you. WAYNE Every time. GAZ Its a cross i have to bare...have you heard from Eddie NORMAN Stop dodging the subject, you got slapped. Pau takes out his phone and dials. PAUL Its ringing. GAZ Hes probably in jail. NORMAN Where you should be, your chat up lines a criminal. PAUL (in to phone) Eddie where are you? The boys lean in. PAUL (CONTD) Your joking, what you doing there? WAYNE Where is he? PAUL On his way to Cardiff. GAZ Cardiff, whats there? NORMAN Sheep you should go you might have a bit more success. 0002000006EF0000967C6E9,PAUL Right mate ill speak to you later. Paul puts the phone down. PAUL (CONTD) Hes on a train heading to Cardiff. NORMAN Why? PAUL He had some trouble with Sting in Birmingham so hes gone looking for more in Cardiff. Norman leaves the table. NORMAN My round. WAYNE What kind off trouble? PAUL A fight or something. GAZ He had a fight with Sting, he needs help. WAYNE How many digs did he get in? PAUL I dont know I could hardly hear hes on a train. Norman returns with drinks. NORMAN (to Gaz) I want to possess you. GAZ Fuck off. Boys quickly realize whats going on. PAUL You didnt. GAZ So. WAYNE Why would you want to possess someone? GAZ Well its better than Normans lines. NORMAN My lines are top notch. GAZ Buy me a drink I spilled mine when I was looking at your tits, form a orderly que ladys NORMAN It works. WAYNE In a brass house in Prague. NORMAN Its another notch, its better than pretending to be Satan, you sinister bastard. INT.PAULS HOUSE-KITCHEN-MORNING. Paul is nursing a hang over, Melinda is ready for work, they both drink coffee. MELINDA Cardiff? PAUL He punched Sting and he wants to do it some more. MELINDA You cant just punch Sting. PAUL Why? MELINDA Its Sting. PAUL How many reasons do you need. She plants a kiss on his cheek. MELINDA See you later. EXT.TRAIN STATION-DAY Eddie jumps off the train opens a map from a stand, pauses for a moment then heads off. Int.classical wedding-day A small shop that specializes in vintage wedding dresses. Melinda is getting her dress taken in, Susan and Mary chat to the seamstress. MARY (To seamstress) So who is the thinnest girl that you have fitted? MELINDA Your obsessed. Seamstress. People come in all shapes and sizes its our job to pick the right dress to flatter there figure. 00020000088600009D65880,SUSAN Wow, well put. MARY (To Melinda) Where is your mother? MELINDA She came in yesterday, shes very organised is my mother. MARY (To Susan) Ill say, So whats the deal with you and that nut Eddie? SUSAN Nothing why does everyone keep asking me about Eddie? MARY Oh, on the defensive it must be love. SUSAN I think everyone gives him a hard time and thats why he acts the way he does, hes a nice guy. Susan stares out in to space. SUSAN (CONTD) Funny, charming,hansom, unpredictable, very unpredictable, in fact just look what hes doing I mean god... Melinda and Mary exchange glances while Susan is still talking. SUSAN (CONTD) If I had a man that would do that for me... MELINDA You love him. Susan snaps out of her trance. SUSAN What? MELINDA You love him. SUSAN No I dont. MARY (teasing) Susans got a boyfriend, Susans got a boyfriend. Susan doesnt know what to say, shes been caught, Melinda smiles at her. MELINDA Hes a nice guy, a bit rough around the edges but nice. Susan smiles. MARY Hes still a nut. Int. Suits you-day. Paul, Ted, Norman Wayne and Gaz are all getting measured for there suits. The man with the tape measure is Karl, he is a THIN, CAMP shop assistant, he is measuring Paul. GAZ Forever is a very long time. TED When your with the same woman its very long...very very long. NORMAN Maybe you should play the field a bit first, you know, spread yourself about. Paul is finished being measured. Karl Whos next? Wayne steps up. PAUL I dont want to play the field I'm happy with Melinda. TED Good lad if your happy your happy, leave him alone. PAUL Thanks Ted. TED Just make the most of it because it doesnt last long. WAYNE Your lucky I wish I had what youve got. PAUL I know, its not easy finding a woman your so perfectly matched with. WAYNE I meant a big house and good job but Melinda is okay I suppose. Wayne is finished. KARL Which one of you hansom men is next? Norman steps up. PAUL Im thirty two I cant be arsed to be chasing women about town all week and waking up in strangers beds with a hangover every week end itd not right. GAZ I like chasing women around. WAYNE You do realize the point is to actually catch one. 000200000D520000A5E5D4C,The lads crack up. GAZ I get woman. NORMAN Sisters dont count. Norman steps down. KARL (to Gaz) Well come on lady killer your next. The lads giggle. Gaz steps up. GAZ (sarcastically) Do step sisters? PAUL You filth bag. GAZ Im joking. NORMAN You say that but if she came home drunk one night and know one was there but the two of you, and she started rubbing your man hammer you cant stand there and tell me you wouldnt be just a little bit curious. The boys all nod in agreement. NORMAN (CONTD) Its not like its illegal or anything your not even blood. WAYNE Thats true. Gaz thinks. GAZ Yeah I suppose when you put it like that, I suppose I would. The room now silent. GAZ (CONTD) What? NORMAN You dirty little bastard, have you no shame? GAZ What the fuck... PAUL I dont know how you sleep at night. GAZ Come on. WAYNE I dont know you anymore. Gaz steps down,gutted. Ted steps up. GAZ Youre a bunch of shit bags. Karl starts to measure Ted. TED (winks at the lads) You know Gaz if you having trouble with the old man ham you should see a doctor. GAZ There is nothing wrong with my man ham thanks Ted. TED I thought the reason you have never had a woman is because it looks like a red lentil. GAZ Ive had plenty of women and it looks more like a Chorizo, you want to look? Gaz goes for his zip. TED Keep that terriers tail away from me. Karl (exited) Pull it out then lets have a butchers. PAUL Go on Gaz show him Thors hammer. The lads crack up. TED Christ, you want to be ashamed of your self, pulling out your three minute noodle for any old poofty. Karl, furious, quickly runs the tape measure up Teds inside leg and bounces his fist off Teds nuts, Ted howls like a dog. Ext.cardiff Arena-night A group of fans make there way through the turn stiles, we can hear loud music coming from inside. Eddie strolls through the car park, ducking between cars to avoid the security guards. Int.cardiff Arena-bar-night Max, Sally and Harry are at the bar, Harry is messing with his drink. Max (To Harry) Whats that your drinking? HARRY Coke, why? MAX Why you drinking coke? Harry Im driving remember Max One isnt going to kill you. Harry Not this again, look im having coke, no big deal Max Okay, i was just saying, your so moody. Ext.CARDIFF ARENA-NIGHT Eddie has made his way around the back of the arena where a group of cooks are having a tab break outside a catering van. Eddie spots a white chiefs jacket and hat, he leans in to the van and takes it. Two guards stand outside the stage door, Eddie holds his head up high and walks toward them with his suit bag over his arm, as he gets to the door one of the guards stops him. Gaurd #1 Where is your pass? EDDIE I must have left it inside. GAURD #1 You need a pass to get in. Gaurd#2 Hes one of the chiefs, hes okay. GAURD #1 But he hasnt got a pass. GAURD#2 (To Eddie) Go on in, but find your pass and put your pass on. Eddie walks in. GAURD#2 (CONTD) Whats wrong with you, you want to keep of those steroids there turning you in to a dick. GAURD #1 Im not on steroids. GAURD#2 If you say so, you no they make your nob shrink. Int.cardiff ARENA-back stage-NIGHT Eddie strolls though The back stage area its busy, crew, beautiful people and yes men all talking on cell phones and to each other. They don't notice Eddie. He carries on walking stopping now and again to take advantage of the free food and drink on his way. 00020000061E0000B331618,Up ahead Eddie spots a door with Stings name on it, he leans up against it and listens for a moment before opening it slowly. Int.stings Dressing room-night The room is painted white,Eddie steps in, looks around. EDDIE (to himself) Stings dressing room...freaky. He opens the bottle of jack and takes a long swallow. EDDIE (CONTD) Stings jack Daniels...sweet. The room is covered in white orchids, sat on a plush sofa are three bass guitars, Eddie picks one up and strums it, he quickly gets bored, he moves over to a small book shelf and starts to flick through the titles. EDDIE (CONTD) Yoga for professionals...puff He takes a drink and picks up another book. EDDIE (CONTD) The concerned vegetarian, Jesus. He takes another drink and picks up two more books. EDDIE (CONTD) Buddhism, Tantric sex, Tantric what, the blokes a nut case. He puts the books back, takes another drink, by now half the bottle is gone. O.S. The crowd can be heard cheering as the opening chords of EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE are strummed. Eddie jams the bottle down the front of his jeans and heads off. Int.caRDIFF ARENA-NIGHT The arena is full to capacity, people from all walks of life are singing along to the song, Eddie manages to make it past the road crew and staggers in to the crowd singing. EDDIE EVERY BREATH I SING, EVERY MOOD IM IN... He pushes people aside and heads for the front of the crowd. EDDIE (CONTD) OH CANT YOU SEE, YOU AND I AND ME... He swings his bottle wildly and catches a old man in the face, a few rows ahead Max, Harry and Sally have spotted him. 0002000006150000B94960F,MAX (to sally) Hey isnt that the mad geordie guy from the other night? SALLY Yeah he looks drunk. HARRY Yeah and hes just spotted us. Eddie bounces over. EDDIE Look who it is. MAX Hey i thought you didnt like sting? EDDIE What are you mad i love him, hes a twat. Eddie turns to the stage. EDDIE (CONTD) (SHOUTING) Here sting kiss me in my face, Sting, Stingo. Max, Harry and Sally crinch. EDDIE (CONTD) Sing it to my ear sting sing it. Eddie's voice gets louder, a small crowd of fans have moved away from him, he starts to thrust his hips. EDDIE (CONTD) Sting, look what im doing, this is for you. Eddie thrusts his hips back and forth, faster and faster, sting spots him, stares curiously, keeps on playing EDDIE (CONTD) Lick me in my face, do it. Eddie takes a big swallow out of the bottle. (EDDIE (CONTD) Hey look, MESSAGE IS A BOTTLE, MESSAGE IN YOUR BOTTLE. We watch as Eddie thrusts and swings his hips through the entire concert, with each new song eddies moves get more exaggerated and ambitious. Finally as the last chord of the last song is strum Eddie falls slowly to the ground. Int.camper Van-night Harry Max and Sally are all crouched over Eddies unconscious body. The camper van is small. Harry I think hes starting to wake. SALLY Slap him. MAX But hes starting to wake. SALLY Just do it. MAX No. Sally brings her hand up high and swings it across Eddies face. Eddie shoots bolt up right. EDDIE (shouting) Help. He takes in his surroundings for a second. EDDIE (CONTD) Where is he? MAX Who? EDDIE That twat sting. SALLY 00020000061F0000BF58619,He left hours ago. Eddie holds his head in his hands, disappointed. Ext.CARDIFF ARENA car park-NIGHT The camper van stands lonely, Eddie sits on the back step, Max, Sally and Harry are talking, we join them in mid conversation. SALLY Wow you would do all of that to see Sting? EDDIE What no, sting is a Dick I'm doing it for Melinda. HARRY Still its a very brave thing to do, I know I couldnt do it. EDDIE That's because you haven't got the minerals like me. MAX The last Sting gig is in two days if you cant pursued him to give your friend away no amount of minerals will save you. There is a long pause, Eddie shoots Max a intimidating stare. SALLY Max. MAX Im just saying. SALLY Well I think its a very noble thing to do and if there is anything we can do all you have to do is ask. EDDIE I could use a ride. Harry, Max and Sally turn around and have a huddle. HARRY No way. SALLY Dont be nasty, hes sweet. HARRY Hes a raven lunatic. MAX Which could come in handy. HARRY How? MAX The next time a drunk teenage girl decides she wants to punch you in the throat because she wants your flame grill macoys I'm sure the lunatic will jump in. SALLY Yeah and punch her in the throat. MAX Yeah a couple of times probably. SALLY Yeah then eat your macoys. MAX Then punch you in the throat. HARRY Okay I get the picture, he can come, and she wasnt a teenage girl. MAX Yes she was. HARRY Yeah like nineteen. SALLY Thats still a teenager, and a girl. The threesome turn, face Eddie. SALLY (CONTD) Okay you can come. EDDIE Sweet. HARRY Under three conditions. 0002000006100000C57160A,EDDIE Im listening. HARRY One, no killing people, two... EDDIE ...Got any beer? Ext.motorway-day The Bedford camper tools past us, rock music blasts out of the windows. Int.bedford camper-moving-day Sally drives, Max is map reading and Harry is sat at the table reading a book. Eddie hurls himself around the van breaking cups and saucers in the process. Harry, Sally and Max all shoot each other scared looks. Eddie sparks open a bottle of beer grabs Harry and thrusts against him. Ext.mOTORWAY-DAY The camper van screeches to a halt, the back doors burst open and Eddie heads for some near by bushes, crotch in hand. Int.camPER VAN-moving-night Max is lying down on the top bunk, Eddie is behind him with his arm around him, drunk, snoring. Ext.service station.day The van pulls to a stop beside a petrol pump and our gang jump out. HARRY (to sally) Ill fill the tank if you want to order. SALLY Okay fine. Int.service Station-day Eddie and Max are sat at a window table, Sally turns up with a mountain of food on a tray. SALLY Dig in. They all grab hand fulls. EDDIE (to max) So who is throwing this party then? MAX A friend of ours. EDDIE Whats his job? MAX Hes a university lecturer. EDDIE Christ I'll bet he's a barrel of laughs. SALLY Hes cool he likes the white stripes. EDDIE Does he like the white line? SALLY The what? Harry joins the table. HARRY (to sally) Bunch along. Sally stands up. SALLY I have to go and powder my nose. EDDIE So you do like the white line. Sally leaves, Harry takes her place at the table. EDDIE (CONTD) 00020000066B0000CB7B665,(to harry) Whats the deal with you two then? HARRY Who me and Sally, nothing, what do you mean? Eddie shakes his head. EDDIE You cant fool me, I've seen the way you look at her. Harry looks away, embarrassed. EDDIE (CONTD) Tell me the truth, you want to brutalize her don't you? HARRY What, brutalize her no. EDDIE You do, I can see it in your eyes, you want to tear that ill fitting shirt of her boney little back and get to work. Max finds this amusing. HaRRY No, I wouldnt do that to Sally. EDDIE No, well you should because that Mr. sensitive act youve got going on isnt really cutting the mustard. HARRY What do you mean? EDDIE Do you think woman like all that new age in touch with my emotions shit? HARRY Well, yeah. MAX Yeah...don't they. Eddie looks at the both of them, disappointed. EDDIE (to both of them) Whats between your legs? HARRY What. EDDIE You heard, what you packing? MAX What? EDDIE What have you got between your legs? HARRY Well, like a penis. EDDIE (shouting) A penis. The few customers that are eating look over at the table, harry and max put there heads down. EDDIE (CONTD) You do know it has more then one use? HARRY Yeah. EDDIE Other then pissing how many times have you actually used it? HARRY Thats private. EDDIE Let me tell you something, woman don't like Mr. sensitive, Mr. sensitive is weak, Mr. sensitive holds open doors for old ladies. HARRY Whats wrong with that? EDDIE Women dont want that. MAX They dont? EDDIE Women want to be grabbed by a pair of thick meaty arms and tossed to the kitchen floor like a rag doll and have the life force drained form them by a hairy chested hunter. 0002000006390000D1E0633,Max pulls the neck of his shirt down and checks his chest. EDDIE (CONTD) The kind of outlaw that can deliver hour after hour of life threateningly intense sex, the kind of sex that will have her staggering on the edge of physical and mental exhaustion for weeks to come. The boys are gobsmacked. EDDIE (CONTD) So the next time you find a woman drunk enough to sleep with you make sure you make her feel that she has just ran the London marathon. MAX Wow. EDDIE Twice. HARRY Twice. EDDIE In the blazing heat. Sally arrives back from the toilet and sits down. SALLY So what have you boys been talking about? The table goes quite. SALLY (CONTD) Anyway I was just thinking, I dont want to rain on your parade Eddie but Stings last concert is tomorrow, what if you cant get him to give your friend away? EDDIE I will. SALLY But what if you cant? EDDIE Ill have to. SALLY But what if you cant talk him in to it, what then? EDDIE Ill just have to make him do it. HARRY How? Eddie looks up from his cup of coffee. EDDIE Ill kidnap him. SALLY What? MAX Something tells me hes not kidding. EDDIE Ill kidnap him. HARRY Youll go to jail. EDDIE So, then I'll go to jail. SALLY Who is she? EDDIE Whos who? SALLY The girl. EDDIE What? SALLY You would risk going to jail for your friend. EDDIE Well I didnt get her a wedding gift. The table goes silent for a moment, Eddie is uncomfortable. HARRY You love a girl. MAX Have you tossed her on the floor and punched her? EDDIE Ill toss you on the floor and punch you. MAX There is no need for that Eddie gets up and leaves, the gang follow. 0002000006710000D81366B,Int.restaurant-day Paul and Melinda are enjoying a expensive meal together in a posh restaurant before there wedding MELINDA That is just the way it is. PAUL Your to superstitious. MELINDA I dont want anything to spoil our big day. PAUL Ill be okay anyway Eddie isnt here so its not like I'm going to get tied to a lamp post or anything. MELINDA True. PAUL Theres something to tell the kids. MELINDA Kids. PAUL I presume you still want kids. MELINDA Well yeah just you never mention them so I thought that maybe you went off the idea. PAUL No I want kids, and a dog. MELINDA A chihuahua? PAUL No a big hairy thing that sleeps a lot in front of the log fire. MELINDA We dont have a log fire. PAUL We could have a log fire. Melinda smiles. MELINDA Your mad. PAUL We could go for long walks in the country with the kids and our big hairy dog. Melinda laughs lovingly. PAUL (CONTD) I could do the school run so you can have a lay- in, and I'll cook you breakfast in bed, and on the cold snowy nights we could all curl up on the sofa in front of the log fire and drink fat cups of hot chocolate. MELINDA With marshmallows in. PAUL If you want marshmallowy then you shall have marshmallows. MELINDA I do. PAUL Save them words for the big day. Int.caMPER VAN-moving-NIGHT Sally drives, Eddie is beside her, Max and Harry are in the back. EDDIE I cant believe I'm missing my best mates stag night for this. SALLY It will be fun youll see. Ext.street-night The van pulls in to a cul-de-sac, they all climb out, a modest house in the corner is blasting out heavy dance music, lights flash, they open the gate and head in. Int.sids house-night. 0002000006700000DE7E66A,Half naked girls, groups of people play drinking games, Eddie makes his way through the crowds to the kitchen, Max Sally and Harry spot Sid, they all wave, he dances over with a joint in his mouth. Sid is a tall thin man with long dark hair and a beard Sid Do you want some? He waves the joint in Harrys face. HARRY No thanks. MAX Not for me. SALLY Ill try. Max and Harry are taken back. HARRY Since when do you smoke grass? SALLY Since now. She takes a long draw, holds, exhales. SALLY (CONTD) Wow thats some naughty shit. HARRY My god. SALLY Oh loosen up. Max spots Eddie coming out of the kitchen and waves him over, he has four beers in hand. HARRY (to Sid) Sid this is Eddie, Eddie, Sid. EDDIE Sid, hows things? SID Yeah not bad, and what do you do Eddie? SALLY Eddie is going to kidnap Sting. SID Really? EDDIE If he acts up. SID Will you not get in to trouble for that? EDDIE More than likely. SID Well than lets toast. They all grab a beer, Sid uses his joint. SID (CONTD) To Eddie and a successful kidnap. They clink glasses and joint. EDDIE Lets mingle. They all move off in to the crowd dancing. Int.PAULS HOUSE-KITCHEN-night. Paul,Norman, Gaz and three other friends down bottles of beer, dance around the kitchen. Int.susanS BEDROOM-NIGHT Susan Melinda and a small group of close friends get dressed, drink champagne, dance. Int.sids House-night. The party is in full flow, Max and Harry are chatting to girls, Sally is dancing with a good looking blonde haired bloke and Eddie is thrusting with two beers. Cut to Paul, Norman, Gary and friends as they move from bar to bar in a loud and packed part of the city. 0002000006460000E4E8640,CUT TO Melinda, Susan and there entourage, hanging out of a limo sun roof drinking flutes of the good stuff. CUT TO Max, he tries to kiss another girl, gets rejected then moves on the next one. Sally is sat on the sofa with the good looking blonde haired bloke laughing and giggling, Harry watches from the other side of the room. Cut to Gary, he spots the bar maid that slapped him and turns away, the lads spot her to and start to laugh, the bar maid makes her way over to Gary, kisses him on the mouth and writes her number on his shirt with her lipstick, the boys are gobsmacked, they cheer. Norman is stood at the bar waving his money at the barman who only seems to be serving girls, he climbs over the bar opens the fridge and grabs three bottles of beer. Cut to Melinda and her merry mob, they all stumble out of a club and in to the nearest kebab shop, Melindas friend plants her lips on a shy student, Susan throws up on a street corner. Cut to Eddie, hes standing in the corner with Harry, theyre both looking at Sally and the good looking bloke. EDDIE You should do something, hes steaming in to your girl. HARRY Whats the point she obviously likes it. EDDIE Thats why she keeps looking over. HARRY What? EDDIE She wants you to go and rescue her. HARRY From the good looking bloke whos making her laugh, yeah right. EDDIE Shes just humoring him, its now or never big man what you going to be the hunter or the hunted? Harry starts heavy breathing, drains the last dregs from his bottle and storms over the other side of the room, pushing people aside on his way. EDDIE (CONTD) 00020000066A0000EB28664,Go on you maniac. He reaches Sally and in one super cool move grabs her pulls her toward him an kisses her long and hard. The good looking bloke jumps to his feet, Eddie charges toward him, bottle in hand and grabs him. EDDIE (CONTD) Pull your head in dip shit. The bloke shrinks back in to his seat, harry stops kissing Sally, she opens her eyes. SALLY What took you so long? They both laugh, kiss again. Cut to Melinda being dragged from a taxi by Susan and trying to fit her key in to the front door. Cut to Paul, he is zigg zagging down the motorway In a pair of tight under pants with the word SEXY written across the arse. Ext.sids House-day. A few students are sat around Sid's front door, one of them is playing a mellow tune on a acoustic guitar. Eddie, and Max are packing there bits and bobs in to the van, Harry and Sally are sat at the table inside gazing in to each others eyes. Sid steps outside and hands Max a silver tray wrapped in cling film. SID Here you go its for your journey, just some sandwiches and stuff. MAX Nice one. Max puts the stuff in the van, Sid moves over to Eddie. SID I just want to say good luck today with the whole Sting thing. EDDIE Thanks. SID Do you know much about knots. EDDIE Why would I know about knots SID You know so you can tie him up. EDDIE Ill cross that bridge when I come to it. SID Im sure you will. Sid reaches out his hand, Eddie shakes it, jumps in the drivers seat and moves off. Ext.moTORWAY-DAY The roads are quite Int.caMPER VAN-MOVING-day For once there is no music blasting, Harry and Sally are asleep in the top bunk, Max is in the passenger seat reading a paper. 00020000061E0000F18C618,EDDIE Is that thing charged yet? Max checks Eddies phone. MAX All done. Eddie grabs it and dials a number, puts it on speaker phone. EDDIE Hello, Melinda. MELINDA Eddie weve been trying to reach you for ages, where are you? EDDIE Im on my way to London. MELINDA London, why? I'm getting married tomorrow. EDDIE Not with out sting your not, its his last show tonight, its now or never. The phone goes silent for a second. EDDIE (CONTD) Are you there? MELINDA Yeah I'm here look Eddie you dont have to do all of this youve already done enough. EDDIE I havent done anything, I've tried but as usual I've failed miserably. MELINDA No you havent, you had the balls to do it thats all that matters. Anyway pauls dad said hell give me away so there is no need. EDDIE You can tell pauls dad to rest his nut, tomorrow I'm coming home with sting in toe. MELINDA God you never listen. EDDIE You love it...how is Susan? MELINDA Susan is great, shes looking forward to the big day. EDDIE Im drawn to her. MELINDA Yeah I know you are. EDDIE I have to go but I'll see you tomorrow at four. MELINDA Its three. EDDIE I know, see you then. Eddie hangs up the phone. Int.PAULS HOUSE-KITCHEN-DAY. Melinda and Susan are sat at the kitchen table, Susan heard every word. MELINDA Hes drawn to you you know. Susan smiles. Ext.strEET-NIGHT Eddie, Harry,Sally and Max strut through crowded London streets on there way to the last show. MAX I dont know why we had to park so far away from the arena. EDDIE Just incase. SALLY Just incase of what? EDDIE I dont know. 000200000D8B0000F7A4D85,HARRY So have you got some sort of a plan ? EDDIE I thought I would just play it by ear. MAX Not much of a plan. EDDIE It will do for now. They arrive outside the gates of London arena, the place is large and impressive, a sea of people stretches as far as the eye can see, news vans and camera crews take up nearly the entire left side of the car park. EDDIE (CONTD) You better get in line, youve got a long wait. SALLY What are you going to do? EDDIE Im going to have a sniff about, listen, when the show is finished meet me here. HARRY Okay. EDDIE Try and get out quick. Harry, Sally and Max disappear in to the crowd, Eddie gathers his thoughts. Int.london Arena-bar-night. Sally, Harry and Max are waiting to be served SALLY I hope he doesnt do anything stupid. HARRY Kidnap is about as stupid as it gets. MAX I think he was only joking, know one in there right mind would kidnap sting. Harry and sally look at each other and grin. MAX (CONTD) God help us. Int.lonDON ARENA-dressing room-NIGHT. Sting and the band are warming up. STING (to band) I think when this tour is over I'm going to learn to speak Thai. Band mate Really? STING Its a unusual language did you know, dog, horse and come here are the same word? Band mate How does that work then? STING Its all to do with tone, you get that wrong and its game over my friend, you could be sat at a bar asking a pretty girl to come here, if the tone is wrong you could really be calling her a horse and get your self a slap across the teeth. Band mate My friend was riding a scooter down a busy street in Phuket and a cop stopped him and asked him to take his helmet off, when he took it off the cop handed him a fine. STING For what? Band mate For not wearing a helmet. Ext.london Arena-carpark-night. The last of the crowds have filtered there way inside the arena, Eddie is leaning over a car watching the various news crews, roadies and technicians, they have all got back stage passes, walkie talkies. There has been a obvious step up in security. Int.lonDON ARENA-bar-NIGHT. A barman hands Max two beers and a coke. MAX Whos the coke for? HARRY You know who its for Max Let your hair down, have a beer. Harry I cant, I'm driving. Max One beer isnt going to hurt. Harry Until you hassle me to get another one. Max So, its Stings last show, we should be celebrating. Harry Alcohol makes me do mental things. Max Like what? Harry Like make me think that I'm whispering when in fact, I'm not. SALLY I do that. Harry Like make me believe that my grandma is really dying for me to phone her at four in the morning and ask her the question that has baffled scientists since the dawn of time. Max What? Harry If our knees were on the other side of our legs, what would chairs look like? SALLY You what? Harry Like make me wake up in the morning next to something that looks like it belongs to the animal kingdom. Max and Sally both nod. Harry (CONTD) Alcohol tends to create the illusion that I'm tougher, handsomer and smarter than the big bloke standing next to me at the bar. Max giggles. Harry (CONTD) It makes me believe that people are laughing with me and for some as yet unexplainable reason it seems to cause a influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small and occasionally large chunks of time seem to actually disappear. Max (CONTD) Whos up for tequila slammers? SALLY Me, Me, Me. Ext.lONDON ARENA-NIGHT. Eddie is moving through rows of cars toward the main crew area. 00020000060F00010529609,He reaches a massive lorry crouches down, rolls under it and stops, voices can be heard on the other side, he moves closer to hear what they are saying. The voices are coming from Tiny and two roadies, Tiny is leaning on a long white limousine with his arms folded. TINY And how the hell would I no that? Roadie # 1 We just thought with you being around him so much you might have become privy to some inside info. Roadie # 2 Yeah some secrets that only the inner circle would know about. TINY If it were a secret than I wouldnt know would I. ROADIE # 1 Well you see if I could deliver the goods for seven hours at a time let me tell you, it wouldnt be a secret. ROADIE # 2 I would take a advert out in the local rag. ROADIE # 1 I would... ROADIE # 2 I would... TINY I get paid to protect him and drive this limo, thats it. ROADIE # 1 And whats going on in the back of there tonight? Some loving. ROADIE # 2 Some... TINY ...No straight to the hotel and in to bed. ROADIE # 1 How long do you think he can rub one out for? Eddie rolls back out of the other side of the lorry. Int.lonDON ARENA-NIGHT. Harry, Sally and Max stubble out of the arena pushing crowds of fans as they go, theyre drunk. Ext.lONDON ARENA-carpark-NIGHT. The crowd pours out, they spot Eddie, he runs to meet them. EDDIE Hurry I need your help. SALLY (giggling) Oh, good a plan. EDDIE Your drunk. HARRY Were all drunk. EDDIE (grins) Even better. He leads them through the crowds to where the crew vehicles are parked, they stop behind a catering truck. EDDIE (CONTD) 00020000066C00010B32666,(to everyone) When I say we all run for that big truck over there. MAX What if I fall? Eddie checks that the coast is clear. EDDIE Now. They all crouch and scamper through rows of vans and roll under the big truck. SALLY (pointing) Wow look a limo. EDDIE You like that? SALLY Yeah, I've never been in one before. EDDIE Never? HARRY Me neither. MAX Or me. EDDIE Well to day is your lucky day. SALLY How? Eddie grins. Int.limosuine-night Tiny is on the phone to his wife. TINY A couple of more days then I'll be home and you no big daddy is going to lay down the law, I take care of business this you no to be true, and let me tell you this, my shit is wound up so tight, when I get home its going to be like a atomic bomb just went off in the bedroom. There is a knock at the window, we see Sally moving about outside. TINY (CONTD) Hold on baby there is a creepy looking thing outside. He rolls the window down. TINY (CONTD) Yeah what do you want? SALLY (thinking) I want to... Ext.limosuine-night. Eddie is crouched down by the side of the limousine shaking his head. EDDIE (whispering) Come on. Int.limoSUINE-NIGHT TINY Well. SALLY I want to show you this. Sally steps back from the window and starts rubbing her body up and down, grinding her hips. SALLY (CONTD) Are you feeling it? TINY My god. Ext.limOSUINE-NIGHT. Eddie jumps up leans through the window and punches Tiny lightning fast in the mouth, Sally falls over with fright. SALLY Oh my god did you really have to do that? EDDIE Me, did you really have to do that, I feel sick. SALLY Thats not nice. EDDIE. Just help me. He opens the door and grabs Tiny by the shoulders. 00020000093C00011198936,EDDIE. (CONTD) Its like moving a elephant. Max and Harry help drag Tinys body out of the limo and under the truck. EDDIE. (CONTD) Right get in the front. They all squeeze in. Int.limoSUINE-NIGHT SALLY Whats that noise? MAX I think its the phone. Eddie grabs tinys phone. EDDIE (in to phone) Hell call you back. HARRY What now? EDDIE We wait. Ext.lONDON ARENA-CARPARK-NIGHT. Sting, Rose and entourage are being mobbed by a group of over anxious reporters. ROSE (to reporters) How many times, all questions should be put down on paper and the answers will be e-mailed in due course. Reporter # 1 (to sting) Is it true you plan to adopt a sperm whale? STING Yeah my wife is cleaning out the bath tub as we speak, be like a home from home for the little bugger. Reporter # 2 (to sting) Have you been offered the lead role in the film version of MagGyver? REPORTER # 1 Can tofu alleviate the itching caused by hemorrhoids? REPORTER # 2 Can you fashion a canoe from a wine cork and wasp spit? REPORTER # 1 Can you do the haka? REPORTER # 2 Did you know you can still have sex with a dead body nine minutes after death? REPORTER # 1 Is it true that your starting a super group with MC hammer and Cher called lords of the pelvic alcove? REPORTER # 2 Are you buying the Neverland mansion? STING We are yes, its taking a lot longer to move in then we first thought. REPORTER # 2 Why is that? STING We cant seem to move that bloody sperm whale from the front gates. ROSE Okay thats enough. They reach the limo. ROSE (CONTD) Where the hell is Tiny? STING Fell asleep again. Rose reaches for the door handle. ROSE (to reporters) Thats enough, thank you. She opens the door, Sting gets in, she follows. Int.limoSUINE-NIGHT They both sit back and exhale. ROSE What a night, I'm glad its over. STING I can imagine it must be hard for you up there every night singing your little heart out. ROSE Very funny, looking after you isnt easy you know. STING Im sure that a certain someone can relieve the stress. ROSE Oh god don't say a word about that to anyone, if Donald finds out its over, there will be no more shopping trips to Milan, no tennis lessons and I can forget about the cabin in aspen. STING Your secret is safe with me. ROSE Good, glad to hear it. She leans forward and bangs on the glass. ROSE (CONTD) Tiny, are you awake or what you big lump. 0002000006BE00011ACE6B8,Eddie and Sally look at each other EDDIE (deep voice) No I'm cool. ROSE Good take us back to the hotel. SALLY (whispers) What hotel? EDDIE I dont know, fuck it. Eddie starts the engine and moves off. HARRY Where the hell are you taken us? EDDIE I dont know, somewhere quiet. MAX Why quiet, what you going to do? HARRY Your going to kill him. EDDIE Dont be stupid. SALLY You cant kill Sting, thats wrong. EDDIE Im not going to kill anyone, just be quiet. HARRY No I'm getting out of here. Harry pulls the door handle but it doesnt open. HARRY (CONTD) Were trapped. EDDIE Shut up. Harry and max start pressing all the buttons on the dash board. EDDIE (CONTD) Will you stop touching stuff you nob. Max pushes a button on the dash and the glass divider slides down, Eddie turns around, Rose and Sting lock eyes with him, confused, scared. STING What the fuck. ROSE Its you. EDDIE Its not. Rose reaches into her bag for her phone. ROSE Im phoning the police. EDDIE Shit. HARRY Dont phone the police. EDDIE Hold on people. Eddie puts his foot to the floor, all five bodys bounce around in the limo, Rose drops her phone. SALLY (shouting) Im scared. Ext.lONDON ARENA-NIGHT. Fans, crew and reporters run off in all directions as the limo screeches out of the car park wildly and accelerates out of the main gates. When the dust settles Tiny appears looking worse for where, a small group of reporters gather around him. TINY (dazed) They stole the limo, and sting. Reporter (loud) Oh my god, sting has been kidnapped. Fan Sting has been kidnapped. Word spreads around the carpark quick, news crews run for there vans and screech off, fans follow in cars, pretty soon it looks like a scene from the wacky races. 0002000006300001218662A,Ext.roAD-NIGHT The limo snakes down the main road at speed. Int.limoSUINE-NIGHT Sting and Rose are being thrown about the back, Harry, Max and Sally are holding on for there lives. ROSE Youll never get away with this. EDDIE Shut it grandma or there will be trouble. ROSE Your the one in trouble you little shit. EDDIE Ive told you shut it. STING Look kid if you pull over well say nothing. EDDIE If I pull over will you give my friend away? STING I cant. Eddie yanks hard on the wheel, right. Ext.stREET-NIGHT The limo cuts out of the left lane into oncoming traffic. Int.limoSUINE-NIGHT Everyone screams except Eddie, he has the look of the devil in his eyes. ROSE Jesus are you mad? MAX You lunatic pull over. EDDIE No. Up ahead we see a bus coming straight for the limo. SALLY Eddie there is a bus heading straight for us. EDDIE So. STING Shit, pull over. EDDIE No. Ext.sTREET-NIGHT Ten or so cars, news vans police cars and a helicopter have joined the chase, theyre all tailing the limo closely. The bus gets closer, closer, the driver BLASTS on his horn, at the last possible moment the limo swerves back into the left lane. The bus heads straight for the news vans and police cars sending them off in all directions. Int.limoSUINE-NIGHT Sting and Rose are white with freight. STING I think I'm going to have a heart attack. ROSE Ive just pissed myself. Max, Harry and Sally are in shock. HARRY This is not how I wanted to die. EDDIE Know one is going to die, just relax. MAX My arse is relaxed, its to relaxed I think its going to give way. EDDIE Sting yes or no? 000200000622000127B061C,Sting looks at Rose, she shakes her head. STING Sorry mate. EDDIE (shouting) Your not my mate. Eddie makes a wild turn into a narrow street. MAX There is police every where, were going to get caught. EDDIE Were not well split up. HARRY And go where I dont know were we are. Eddie pushes a button on the dash, the divider goes up. EDDIE There is a petrol station up ahead I'll pull in when we stop get out and run. SALLY Run where? EDDIE In different directions, well meet back at the arena in a hour. HARRY I hope this works. EDDIE Are you ready? SALLY Lets do it. Eddie SLAMS the breaks on, the limo screeches, he yanks the wheel and the limo slides out of control and mounts a cerb outside the petrol station. EDDIE Scatter. Ext.petrol statioin-night The two front doors SWING open,Eddie hits the ground running, Harry, Max and Sally fall over each other and end up running in the same direction. Within seconds they are cornered by half a dozen police cars, news crews and a small army of loyal sting fans, the beam from the helicopter blinds them as they are led away by the police. Ext.sTREET-NIGHT Eddie falls out of some near by woods on to a high street, the street is quite apart from some music coming from a local pub, he heads over. Int.pub-night The crowds are three deep at the bar, Eddie walks in. Theyre all looking at the TV above the bar where a female news reader is talking. News reporter. Little is known about the gang at this time and just what they want but you can rest assured that the fourth member of this gang will not get away. 000200000A6500012DCCA5F,Eddie turns and heads for the door. Int.police Station-interagation room-night Harry is sat at a small table, it is dark, a small spot light shines in his face. Gary Lee, a small over weight detective inspector circles harry. Gary lee How much were you after? HARRY For what? GARY LEE What were you going to spend the money on? HARRY I didnt do anything. GARY LEE Have you ever had a large man make love to you? HARRY Im going to be sick. Int.interagation Room-later Garry lee questions Max. GARY LEE There are many lubes currently available on the market that can make the first time less of a hassle. MAX (panicking) First time for what? What do you mean? Int.inTERAGATION ROOM-LATER Sallys turn. GARY LEE Do you know what they do with people like you inside? SALLY What? GARY LEE I have a friend who works in a womans prison and she says when lights go out the screams make her sick to her very core. SALLY I feel like that now. Int.inTERAGATION ROOM-LATER Harry is sweating heavily. GARY LEE Your a scrawny little wisp of a man. HARRY I jog. GARY LEE So youll have a nice arse, thats the last thing you want in jail. Int.inTERAGATION ROOM-LATER Max has started to hyperventilate. GARY LEE You ever seen broke back mountain? MAX Jesus Christ. Int.intERAGATION ROOM-LATER Sally is trying to play it cool. GARY LEE Do you know who you remind me of? SALLY Who? GARY LEE K.D. Lang, do you like her? SALLY No. GARY LEE Ill bet your new cell mate will. Int.inTERAGATION ROOM-LATER Harry is sitting with his head in his hands. GARY LEE Have you ever been the victim of a school yard bully? HARRY Maybe I have. GARY LEE Times that by ten. HARRY Thats not funny. GARY LEE Then throw a sexual assault in to the equation. Int.inTERAGATION ROOM-LATER Gary lee is walking around sallys table singing his heart out. GARY LEE CONSTANT CRAVING, HAS ALWAYS BEEN. INT.INTERAGATION ROOM-LATER Max has almost lost the will to live, Gary Lee is right up in his face GARY LEE (shouting) They will rape you son. MAX (shouting) Im scared. Int.bed And breakfast-night Eddie is stood a reception paying for his room, a old gray haired lady hands over the key her name badge says Madge. Madge There is your key, its room four breakfast is served eight until ten. He heads upstairs. Int.bedroom-night A single bed, TV, wardrobe. Eddie turns the TV on, sits on the edge of the bed, flicks through the channels, stops on the news. REPORTER The whereabouts of the fourth man are still unknown, police are confident that they will have a photo-fit in the morning. Just as hes about to turn the TV off his phone rings, he picks up, the voice on the other end is Paul. 0002000006B60001382B6B0,EDDIE Whats up? PAUL Are you watching the news? EDDIE No, why? PAUL You havent heard about the sting thing? EDDIE Oh that, yeah someone mentioned it before. There is a long pause. EDDIE (CONTD) You there? PAUL What have you done? EDDIE What, Nothing. PAUL I know when your lying you act all innocent and naive, where are you? EDDIE Im in a bed and breakfast trying to get some sleep. PAUL Bed and breakfast where? EDDIE London. PAUL Im getting married in two days and your in London, you better not miss it. EDDIE I think your forgetting the reason I'm in London. PAUL I havent got a clue why your in London. EDDIE For Melinda's fucking wedding present, I came here to get Sting. PAUL Fuck Sting I don't give a shit about Sting just come back home in time for my wedding you clown. EDDIE Ill be there. PAUL Good, make sure you are. EDDIE With sting. PAUL Forget about... Eddie hangs up. Int.bed AND BREAKFAST-morning Eddie sits at the breakfast table eating his fry-up, there is a small television mounted on the wall in the corner of the room, the breakfast news is on. He takes a swallow of his coffee. A old woman sitting opposite waves at the waitress. Old woman Could you turn this up please? The waitress turns up the volume on the television, a good looking news reader is doing the round up. News reader And that rounds up our sport headlines. And finally on to the bizarre happenings of yesterday as most of you know rock superstar sting was kidnapped. Eddie puts his head down. NEWS READER (CONTD) Thankfully he is fine and getting some well earned rest at the Dorchester hotel before leaving the country tomorrow. The three suspects have given this description of the man driving the limo. 00020000069200013EDB68C,Eddie covers his face. NEWS READER (CONTD) Police are looking for a male in his late twenties with a skin head and a northern accent. The old woman turns slowly in Eddies direction, to late, hes off. Int.pAULS HOUSE-DAY The same news report is on the television in Pauls living room, no one is taking notice theyre all stressing over the big day. PAUL (to Norman) All I'm saying is if Eddie doesnt turn up on time your the one who will have to hand over the rings. NORMAN Witch makes me the best man. GAZ How come he gets to be the best man? PAUL Hes not, Eddie is. GAZ Eddie is, but if Eddie is late then Norman is, what if Norman fails to show his face who then? PAUL You. GAZ Really, you would place me before your own dad? PAUL No, dad then you. GAZ Talk about left back in the changing rooms. Ext.dorchester Hotel-day Eddie is crouched behind a wheelie bin in a back alley behind the hotel, he is watching the back door to the kitchen. Suddenly the door swings open, a kitchen hand props it open with a mop and walks out of sight lighting a cigarette on the way, Eddie jams his suit bag behind the bin and makes a run for the door. Int.dorchester Hotel-kitchen-day Loud and sweaty, Eddie grabs a white jacket and maneuvers through the chaos, a counter up ahead is full of gourmet meals, he grabs a plate and heads for the door. Int.dorchester HOTEL-restaraunt-DAY The place is full, table after table of gold diggers and social climbers, he sits the plate down on the first table he passes and moves on quickly. Int.dorchester hotel-bar-day. Sleek and traditional. Eddie moves to the end of the curved bar, out of sight, takes a seat. A young barman strolls up. 00020000084C00014567846,BARMAN Hey, what can I get you. EDDIE A bottle of brown ale. BARMAN We dont serve brown ale sir. EDDIE Lager, strong, a pint As the barman pulls a pint a young waitress approaches pushing a serving tray full of goodies, she leans in to the barman. Waitress (quite) Could I get a few bottle of champagne for you no who? BARMAN He likes his champagne. WAITRESS Calm the nerves, hes probably a bit shaken from that kidnap attempt. Eddie perks up, the waitress takes off with the serving tray, Eddie follows. BARMAN Hey your drink. EDDIE I need the toilet. Int.lobby-day Eddie watches the waitress enter the lift, it stops on the top floor, Eddie hits the stairs. Up stair wells, through corridors, avoiding staff, costumers and security he finally reaches the top floor just in time to catch the waitress pushing the serving tray up to door two six nine, outside the door sits Tiny. EDDIE (to himself) You must be joking. Tiny opens the lids and checks. TINY That is fine. Eddie notices he is leaning on a fire alarm, he looks at the serving tray, at the alarm, back to the serving tray... SMASH. The noise from the alarm is defining, with in seconds the corridors are full of guests, Eddie lags behind until the place is empty. Ext.dorchester HOTEL-DAY The guests spill out on to the street, two fire trucks pull up, the doors swing open and the crew race in side. Stings people form a circle around Sting and Rose ROSE (to Sting) If a attempt on your life was going to be made I would say now is as good a time as any. STING Does watching my life hanging in the balance give you some sort of a sick thrill? ROSE I love it when you talk dirty. The firemen emerge from the building. Fireman False alarm people. The manager waves the guests back inside. Int.dorchester Hotel-stings room-day Sting and the entourage roll back in, rose, a camp stylist named Frank, Troy a butch personal trainer, Roger a hansom chef and Tiny, he is pushing the serving tray. TINY Where do you want this? STING Leave it anywhere. He puts it by the bed and leaves, the rest of the staff sit themselves in various places around the room. 00020000063900014DAD633,ROSE I think its time to open that bubbly dont you? STING Why not I think we all deserve it. Rose pops a bottle open and fills every ones glass. ROSE To the end of a successful tour, may nothing else go wrong. Suddenly the cloth on the serving tray swings back and out falls Eddie, every one jumps back. EDDIE Shit. ROSE You must be joking. STING Your a persistent little bastard, I'll give you that. ROGER Ill get Tiny. EDDIE Not Tiny, one minute and I'll be gone, I'm not a nut or anything. ROSE Yeah right. STING Okay were not going anywhere. ROSE Are you mad, hes dangerous. EDDIE So is that perfume your wearing. The room lightens up. STING Go on kid. EDDIE Look the truth is... I'm a bit of a Dick, I cant seem to commit to anything. The longest I've managed to keep a job is five weeks, I get bored easy and fuck everything up ROSE You dont say. EDDIE I dont mean to be a pain in the arse or anything just I promised my friend Melinda that I would get you to give her away at her wedding tomorrow, her dad was a big fan of yours but he died last year of cancer and she thinks about him all the time. Everyone in the room look at Eddie sympathetically. EDDIE (CONTD) Im not a stalker or anything, I'm not going to break in to your home and twist one off on your pillow. STING Thanks for that. EDDIE Just for once I want to do something right, something I can see through to the end and tell the kids one day. ROSE Youve got kids? EDDIE No, but there is this girl, Susan, I would love to get her pregnant. Sting looks at the rest of the room, Rose shakes her head. ROSE 000200000B79000153E0B73,We cant, weve got the jet on stand by its ready to leave in a couple of hours. EDDIE A jet to where? STING Zambia. EDDIE Whats in Zambia? ROSE We are all members of the butterfly trust charity. She turns around pulls up her shirt and reveals a butterfly tattoo on the small of her back. EDDIE Right. ROSE The charity aims to assist rural communities in Zambia that have been decimated by the aids and HIV pandemic, we help provide education, food, safe water and health care. EDDIE Oh. ROSE Over seven hundred thousand children are orphaned because of this pandemic, our sponsorship program helps support over three hundred children. EDDIE Wow. ROSE Even the smallest donation could help change the life of a child. EDDIE (taken back) My problem pales in comparison really. Eddie is at a loss for words. STING (to Eddie) Do you have a cell phone? EDDIE Yeah why? STING Can it shoot video? Ext.dorchester HOTEL-DAY Eddie walks slowly out of building, confidence shot. Int.train-day He slumps in his seat, stares out the window at nothing in particular, the train moves off. Int.dorchester Hotel-STINGS ROOM-DAY Theyre all sat around talking about Eddie. STING The kid has got balls I'll give him that. ROSE Hes a nutcase. STING Hes not a nutcase, hes just passionate thats all. ROSE Ill say, twisting one off on your pillow. STING Did you have to lay in on thick with the Zambia thing? Its only a quick speech. ROSE I had to get rid of him some how. STING Your a piece of work. Int.train Station day Passengers board the train at county Durham the train moves off. Int.trAIN-DAY Eddie is watching the video message that sting recorded for Melinda Stinds voice Hello Melinda I'm here with Eddie I hope the big day goes well and... EDDIE Fuck off sting. He flicks through his phone and finds the video of the couple from earlier in the week having sex in the bus. EDDIE (CONTD) I forgot about this. Suddenly something catches his eye. The woman in the video has a butterfly tatoo on the small of her back and she is screaming the name Roger. EDDIE (CONTD) Roger...Roger...The chef. His eyes light up, a plan is hatching, he punches a number in to his phone, after a few seconds we hear a womans voice. Woman Hello the Dorchester hotel Paula speaking how may I help? EDDIE Could you patch me though to room 269 I need to speak to Rose this is her husband Donald. Soft music is heard for a moment, then... ROSE Hi babe. EDDIE Hello cheeky. INT.church-cloakroom-DAY. Paul, Ted, Norman, Wayne and Gaz are sat waiting for the wedding cars to arrive, Norman is throwing back miniature bottles of vodka. PAUL Go easy on that I don't want you blacking out at the altar. NORMAN Its all under control. GAZ I could stand in if you want. NORMAN Back off desperado there is only one man for the job and you no it. GAZ Yeah but hes chasing Sting around the country so you have to play second fiddle. PAUL I should phone him. 00020000082000015F5381A,Paul takes out his phone and strolls off to the next room. GAZ What you going to do if he turns up at the last minute and demands the last man rights back? NORMAN There will be trouble. GAZ No there will not. NORMAN So. Ext.susans House-day Susan, Mary and friends are taking photos of Melinda stood in front if a white Rolls Royce with her mother. BARBARA (To Melinda) You look like a angel darling. MELINDA Thanks, you dont look to bad yourself. BARBARA Wait until you see my moves on the dance floor. She leans in and whispers in Melindas ear. BARBARA (CONTD) Pure quality. Susan checks her watch SUSAN We had better hurry, well be late. They all help with Melindas dress as she squeezes in to the wedding car. INT. rolls royce-day Melinda is sandwiched between Susan and Mary her dress is bunched up in front of her like a air bag went off, Barbara is sat in the front. MARY There was non of this when I got married it was in to the registry office, I do, and a quickie in some bed and breakfast down the coast. SUSAN The romance of it all. MARY At least I get some. SUSAN Not any more with fractured nut on the subs bench. MARY That man could deliver the goods at one time. MELINDA Theres a thought. MARY When he was done with me it was like I had just rid in the grand national... SUSAN My ears hurt. MARY ...naked. MELINDA (to driver, shouting) Drive. Int.church-day Friends and family are sat waiting, Ted, Norman, Gaz, Wayne and Paul are at the altar talking to the priest. NORMAN (to priest) So what do you wear under that dressing gown then? Priest What do you mean? NORMAN Are you like the Scotts? You know leave the meat hanging, give it some air. PrIEST No I have a suit on. NORMAN A suit and a dressing gown, its roasting in here your nuts must be dripping. PRIEST No my nuts feel fine thank you. GAZ (to Ted) What will you do if Eddie comes bolting through that door with sting in a head lock? TED Any man that gets Sting in a head lock is okay by me. Ext.church-day The Rolls Royce pulls up and the girls get out, Mary opens the church door quietly. 0002000009670001676D961,Int.chURCH-DAY Norman spots Mary. NORMAN Hey Ted your up. Ted heads out. Ext.chURCH-DAY Ted steps out and is greeted by Mary, Rose, Melinda and Barbara, his eyes start to fill up. MARY Come here you big lump. Mary hugs him, the girls all join in. TED (to Melinda) You look beautiful. MELINDA Thank you. They break. SUSAN I dont suppose there is any sign of Eddie in there? TED He hasnt turned up yet. MARY I thought he was the best man? MELINDA Norman is going to stand in just incase he doesnt make it in time. TED Well hes cutting it fine. MELINDA Hell be here. They head inside, Susan does a last minute check, still no sign, she heads in, Barbara is staring at Melinda. MELINDA (CONTD) What? BARBARA (Emotional) Your farther would be so proud of you. MELINDA Oh, dont start crying, youll ruin your make up. BARBARA Sorry. MELINDA Come here. Melinda and her mother hug each other tight for a moment then head off inside. Int.chURCH-DAY Barbara finds her seat, music starts, Ted proudly walks Melinda down the isle to the altar. Ext.centrel Station-day Eddie sprints for the closest taxi. Int.taxi-day He dives in the back and starts to undress. EDDIE (to driver) St. Peters church, Jesmond, quick as fuck. Taxi screeches off. Int.chURCH-DAY At the altar, the ceremony is under way. PRIEST Who giveth this woman to be married to this man? Ted proudly steps forward with Melinda, she and Paul face each other, Melinda turns and checks the door one last time, nods to the priest. PRIEST (CONTD) Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sign of god and in the face of this company to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony. Int.taxi-day. The taxi slams its brakes on outside the church, Eddie jumps out in his suit and bolts for the church. Taxi driver Thats six fifty you little shit. Int.chURCH-DAY The church doors swing open, the entire church turn and stare at Eddie, he catches Paul and Melinda's eye and shakes his head apologetically. Paul and Melinda both smile at him, they are glad he is back. Norman holds out the ring box and signals Eddie to step up to the altar. Eddie starts the long walk down the isle, all eyes are on him, he nervously puts his hands in his pockets then takes them out again. The once cocky builder has turned in to a shy school boy. He reaches the altar and grabs the ring box. EDDIE (to Melinda) Sorry. MELINDA For what? 000200000E41000170CEE3B,PRIEST Are we ready? PAUL Yes. MELINDA Yes. Eddie nods. PRIEST But, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. Not a dry eye in the house. PRIEST (CONTD) If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together let them speak now or forever hold there peace. A long pause. PRIEST (CONTD) Do you Paul Douglas Short take thee Melinda Dorothy Bell to be your lawful wedded wife, To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death you do part? PAUL I do. PRIEST And do you Melinda, Dorothy Bell take thee Paul Douglas Short to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death you do part? MELINDA (emotional) I do. The priest nods at Eddie, he steps forward and hands over the rings to Melinda and Paul. PRIEST Paul, place the ring on the four finger of the left hand and repeat after me,with this ring I thee wed, in the name of the farther, the son and of the holy ghost. He places the ring on Melinda's finger and smiles. PAUL With this ring I thee wed, in the name of the farther, the son and the holy ghost. PETER And Melinda. She places the ring on Pauls finger. MELINDA With this ring I thee wed, in the name of the farther, the son and the holy ghost. PRIEST By the power invested in me I now pronounce you husband and wife. A church full smiling faces cheer as Paul pulls Melinda close and they kiss. PRIEST (CONTD) (amused) You may kiss the bride. Int.hotel-function room-day A large room full of balloons food and a hundred or so guests, a close friend of the family is up on stage singing on the karaoke, Barbara is funking all over the dance floor, with Paul and Melinda, Norman Gaz and Wayne are clinging to the brides maids. In the corner of the room Eddie and Susan sit at a table. SUSAN Cheer up at least you tried. EDDIE Tried and failed, I'm a fucking Dick. SUSAN No your not, who else do you know that would travel half way around Britain to find sting for a friend? EDDIE Know one. SUSAN Exactly. EDDIE Yeah exactly, its got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and I'm the one that did it. SUSAN Its not stupid its really sweet EDDIE Sweet, I hate sting I swear to god he has ruined my life with his stupid songs, if I ever see that bastard again I'll fucking swing for him. SUSAN So you did actually meet him then? EDDIE Once or twice. SUSAN So whats he like? EDDIE I didnt care much for him myself. SUSAN Is that right? EDDIE Yeah. Suddenly the music stops and the opening chords of EVERY BREATH I TAKE begins. EDDIE (CONTD) Especially this one. Cheers and whistles fill the room, guests start to run for the stage. EDDIE (CONTD) What is all the fuss about , its not that good. SUSAN (looking over Eddie's shoulder) I dont believe it. EDDIE I know, and its about some freak who breaks in to some womans house and bends one off on her bed? SUSAN (pointing) No, Look. Eddie turns around just in time to see sting step on to the stage, take the mic and start singing, Eddie leaps from his seat and charges to the stage where Melinda and Paul are stood in shock. EDDIE You see, you see what I did. Melinda wraps her arms around him tight. MELINDA You crazy bastard I don't believe it. PAUL Your a nut case, how did you do it? EDDIE Thats just how I roll. Group hug, Sting looks down from the stage and winks, Eddie smiles back, he spots Rose by the corner of the stage and walks over. 0002000005F900017F095F3,ROSE Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. EDDIE Rose, how is the husband? ROSE Be quiet, I think you owe me something. Eddie takes out his phone, she grabs it quick. EDDIE You cant have the phone my numbers are all stored in there. Rose checks the footage and deletes it. ROSE You havent sent this to anyone have you? EDDIE Who would want to see you boney arse going like a fiddlers elbow? ROSE You would be surprised. EDDIE Very surprised. ROSE What ever. EDDIE So how did you get him to show his ugly face then? ROSE I told him that the butterfly trust had cancelled the meeting and it would be good publicity to do a favor for a local nut job. EDDIE Smooth move. ROSE You do realize how much trouble I'm in dont you? EDDIE Yeah but I'm not bothered. ROSE (looks over Eddie's shoulder) Oh, and I brought a couple of friends to see you I hope you dont mind. Eddie turns, standing behind him with grins from ear to ear are Harry, Sally and Max. EDDIE Oh its the three musketeers, what happened to you? SALLY We got locked up. HARRY For sixteen hours. MAX I pissed my pants. EDDIE Sorry. MAX Twice, but its okay they freed us, they said we were not capable of pulling off something like that. SALLY So wheres this girl then? EDDIE (pointing) The good looking one over there. SALLY (cocky) The one standing by her self. EDDIE Very subtle. Eddie smiles, crosses the dance floor and puts his arms around Susan, a slow song starts. SUSAN Wow Eddie you do surprise me. EDDIE Im full of surprises. They gaze in to each others eyes, smile. 000200000656000184FC650,EDDIE (CONTD) So, you ready to move in with me and live happily ever after or what? Susan smiles gently and looks at the floor. EDDIE (CONTD) Not the reaction I expected we can take it slow if you want you know, slow romantic walks on a snowy day, kissing underneath a willow tree...doing me a fry up every morning. SUSAN Im pregnant. EDDIE (shocked) What are you? SUSAN Pregnant. EDDIE For fuck sake. SUSAN (shocked) Whats wrong? EDDIE Just when things were starting to look up for me the girl of my dreams goes and lets a fucking butcher get her pregnant. SUSAN A butcher...Its yours you nutter. EDDIE What, how? SUSAN The night before you left remember. EDDIE I thought you said I fell asleep before I hit the mattress. SUSAN I wasnt about to tell every one that I had sex with you. EDDIE Why? What's wrong with me SUSAN Because you would have strutted down those stairs in the morning and bragged about how much of a man you were. EDDIE I know. Susan slaps him playfully. SUSAN Twat. EDDIE (happy) So I'm going to be a dad. She nods, they both smile. FaDE TO BLACK. Fade in. Int.church-day We are in the same church that Paul and Melinda's wedding took place only this time we are here for the christening of Eddie and Susan's bouncing baby boy. A small group of family and friends have gathered, Paul and Melinda, Mary, Ted and Barbara, Harry, Sally and Max, even Sting and Rose have managed to make a appearance. The priest takes the baby. PRIEST Do you believe and trust in his son Jesus Christ who rescued the world? And do you believe and trust in the holy spirit who give life to the people of god? 0002000009D800018B4C9D2,The priest gently pours holy water over the babys head. PRIEST (CONTD) I baptise you Gordon Edward Sumner Price in the name of the farther and of the son and of the holy spirit. Big smiles and hand shakes all round. Int.house-day The house we are in belongs to Eddie and Susan it is the same house Eddie took a dump in just over a year ago. It is decorated modest but classy, photos of Eddie and Susan on various nights out and holidays are arranged neatly in a glass display unit, in the corner of the room is a table on it are piles of books, Eddie takes one, opens the cover signs it and hands it to Neil his old boss. EDDIE There you go. NEIL Who would of thought. Neil flips the book over, the front cover has a picture of Eddie on it he has sting in a head lock, the title reads AGGRAVATING SUMNER. EDDIE See I told you I could write a book. Eddie grabs another book and heads out in to the back garden. Ext.garden day. The garden is full, friends and family are celebrating the christening of young Edward with a barbette, the music is loud and the party is in full swing, Sting is at the grill being served a burger by Ted and Paul. STING (to Ted) Are you sure this is a vegi burger? TED Im sure, Eddie bought a hole box of them just for you. STING Hes a good lad. Ted hands sting the burger, sting disappears in to the crowd. PAUL (to Ted) When did Eddie buy vegi burgers? TED He didnt, he said if sting asks for one just give him any old shite. Eddie moves through the crowd, pulls him self up on to the fence and shouts at his neighbors in the next garden. EDDIE Hey I have something for you. The couple from next door emerge, they are Brenda and Phillip Trent, the husband and wife that lost Eddie his job from the site a year ago, he hands Phillip a copy of his book. EDDIE (CONTD) There you go, enjoy. PHILLIP (scared) Oh thanks Ill read it tonight, thanks. EDDIE Do you want a burger? BRENDA Were vegetarians. EDDIE (shouting) Darling get two vegi burgers. BRENDA Oh its okay. EDDIE Share because you care. Susan hands the burgers over. EDDIE (CONTD) One each, have a good one. Eddie jumps down from the fence, happy, on top of the world. He swaggers over to Susan, winks and gives her a cheeky smile Susan hands him young Edward and they both head off to join the party. Fade out. The end. (CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD) I 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Suggestion*?Courier Final Draft (MORE)(CONT'D) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED:aCTR =Man 1(`Q|g({DESTۉ}P=Man 2(`]DVۉ}P?Woman 1(pQ|g({DESTۉ}P?Woman 2(ԑPO|u`ۉ}P=Boy 1(`Q|g({DESTۉ}P=Boy 2(ԑPO|u`ۉ}P>Girl 1(pQ|g({DESTۉ}P>Girl 2(ԑPO|u`ۉ}P?Old Man(`]DVۉ}PA Old Woman(pQ|g({DESTۉ}PeE9 CHARACTERDIALOGUEk1Arial W?Courier Final Draft 6 Cast List.  - 01/87/81 3/83/81 1/86 2/81/81/86/84/82 7/86/85/81 5/87/87/81/82 6/86/87/83/86/82/81 2/85/81/81 4/81/81 6/81 2/82/84/82/82/83 5/87/81/85/82/82/81/83/81/82/83/82 2/82 7/85/81/81 6/83 4/82/85/87/82/86/81 4/87/821/82/81/81/82/85 1/81 5/82/81/81 4/81/81/81/83/82/82/811/82/87/81/81 5/82/814/86/82/81 5/81 1/81/81 2/85/82/83/85/83/81 4/82 3/84/81/85/81/85/82/81 3/82/81/83/84/83/83/83/82/83/84/82/82/82/81 6/87/86/82/81/81/87/84/84/83 1/81/81/85/81/87/87/85/87/86/81/82/81 1/81/81/82/84/82/82 1/85 3/81/81/85/84/81 3/81/81/81/81/81/81 4/85/8PAGE1113341111111112151516181819192223242425252627272828303132323232363737373838383838383941444545465050515152525455575757575757636465656666666767676768686969697171727373737576767878787979808184848485858585878787888888898989909090909192939494949495969699100100100100101102103103104104104106106106106106107109114114114115115117117117117119120121mFFFF000000060002000177AA0000000000650000000020001101-7F7C6F000480048-25F2AB20078-10810E722AB2D6FFFF01044000010000003E000000010BE408105FBA2AB28EA9038E00029FBA2AB14D00002000000C300000000BE, AGGRAVATING SUMNER. BY RICHARD STURROCK. 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