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1
A DAY IN MY LIFE
EPISODE 2
"HOLIDAYS FROM HELL"
© Harry “The Goose” Deckard.
Dialogue formatting: Name-26, speech-11.
Font: Courier New-Point 10.
OPEN UP ON:
INT. BUS - NIGHT
We open up on a large red bus; it's packed with various tourists
From the big Americans in Hawaiian shirts and shorts to the Scotsmen
In their kilts, to HARRY DECKARD and RANDY KINGLER. Who sit near the
Back drinking beer and wearing casual clothing.
An "ANYONE CAUGHT DRINKING OR EATING ON THIS BUS WILL BE FINED"
hangs above their heads. And another "NO SMOKING" sign is under
it. But Randy smokes a Lucky Strike and Harry eats a bag of peanuts.
They are being watched by a shifty eyed guy who is instant messaging
someone on his computer.
Harry finally notices.
HARRY
2
Is there something wrong?
GEEK (continued)
What is the bus on fire or summat?
HARRY
No, I mean d'you have a problem with
us?
GEEK
There's only one of you.
HARRY
Oh for cryin' out loud, stop talkin' like
some Matrix reject and talk sensibly!
GEEK
What's the Matrix?
HARRY
Oh for crying out loud. Stick yer head out
of yer arse for long enough to get a life.
GEEK
Y'wot?
Harry flips him off.
GEEK (cont'd)
One what?
Harry is now really confused.
HARRY
What?
GEEK
You made a one signal with your hand.
Harry fumes and turns to Randy.
RANDY
Harry, don't let him bother you.
HARRY
That's just too hard.
(Shouting)
HEY DRIVER! HOW FAR ARE WE FROM THE
BLOODY HOTEL?
DRIVER (V.O)
Do I see you eating down there?
HARRY (continued)
3
Oh yeah, he's smoking, we're drinking
and I'm eating.
DRIVER (V.O)
No need for sarcasm.
Harry grins, it wasn't sarcasm of course.
HARRY
Can you put that damn fag out?
He'll see the smoke.
RANDY
Since Jenna dumped me I gotta have
something to hold.
HARRY
(After a pause)
Okay don't put it out.
Harry searches the bus. Locks in like the terminator
on a sexy girl.
HARRY'S P.O.V
(BABE-MODE)
Set out like a Terminator view screen. The sexy girl
is in his green crosshairs, and surrounded by a red square.
Under it is:
Martial status: Single.
Bra size: 34EE.
Job: Stripper.
Other information: One word--HORNY.
BACK TO SCENE
Harry pulls out of babe-mode. And thinks of doing something
to get her attention.
HARRY
Check out the blonde over there.
RANDY
D'you think I should go for it?
HARRY
(Regretfully)
I was gonna have a go, but you try.
4
RANDY
(Extinguishing fag)
And off the King goes.
Randy gets up and stealthily creeps into the seat next to
her. Harry grins.
HARRY
(Self)
He's learning.
Randy and the girl are seen to be in deep conversation.
HARRY'S THOUGHTS (V.O)
It's good to have a rookie with you, someone
to pass things onto when you finally pass
away and go to the horrors of marriage. Poor
guy was dumped by his six year girlfriend last
week, devastated, but now I have to go to
bloody Yorkshire with him, just 'cos I opened
my big mouth and said he needs a break. But
oh well, hopefully that have good girls there.
The bus stops, a few people get on. There aren't many seats, so
a beautiful foreign woman wearing very skimp clothes has to sit
next to Harry. As Harry leans into camera, grins and raises his
eyebrow, we:
CUT TO:
EXT. DYNAMITE HOTEL - NIGHT
The bus stops outside a small three floor hotel set on the corner
of a lovely, remote Yorkshire coastal town. Harry, Randy and quite
a few others get off; Harry's face is covered in lipstick and his
T-shirt is ripped. No prizes for guessing what he was up to.
HARRY
Whoa, what a trip.
Randy is with the Blonde girl, TARA.
RANDY
Best bus ride of my life.
HARRY
So who's the new bitch?
RANDY
Tara meet Harry, Harry meet Tara.
TARA/HARRY
Hi.
5
RANDY
She's staying in our hotel.
Harry nods.
INT. HOTEL - RECEPTION - NIGHT
Harry enters with his luggage, while Randy and Tara come in
arm in arm. The receptionist, KATIE, old and weathered grins.
KATIE
Mr. Goose?
HARRY
How did you know?
KATIE
A hunch, yes you and Mr. Kingler are in room
eight.
HARRY
I asked for separate rooms.
KATIE
Well boo-hoo-hoo, sorry we're fully booked.
HARRY
Are there separate beds?
KATIE
No.
HARRY
A sofa?
KATIE
No.
HARRY
A Jacuzzi?
KATIE
No. No and no. Here's your key.
Katie hands him a key, then she turns to some other tourists.
Harry flips her off, and makes fun of her behind her back...
but stops when she turns round. Randy leaves Tara.
RANDY
See ya later, honey.
HARRY
Great news, we have to sleep in the same
room.
6
RANDY
Bagsy top bunk.
HARRY
There's only one bed. As you bagsied first
you get the floor.
RANDY
Oh great.
HARRY
How's the new girl?
RANDY
Great, she's just Jenna but blonde and hornier.
HARRY
Oh come on, Jenna wasn't exactly special.
They head up the stairs, bags in tow.
INT. FIRST FLOOR - NIGHT
The two of them come out of some double doors. As Harry comes
a HUGE AMERICAN WOMAN JUMPS HIM, THEY CRASH TO THE FLOOR.
BIG WOMAN
Oh, Darren, I love you so much. Don't ever
go.
Harry is bewildered.
HARRY
I'm sure I love you too, d'you fancy getting
off? You're kind of...crushing certain areas.
The big woman looks up to him.
BIG WOMAN
Bastard! You ain't Darren!
She PUNCHES Harry right in the jaw, it feels like a jackhammer.
HARRY
Aw, bullshit, woman. If you were a man I'd
break your...
Suddenly DARREN, her obese American husband comes upstairs.
BIG WOMAN
Oh Darren! This awful little thing came onto
me.
Darren hugs her then moves to Harry, who is getting up.
7
DARREN
Why y'all little sonovabitch.
Harry knows what's coming next:
BAM!
CUT TO:
INT. RECEPTION - NIGHT
VINCENT McAFEE the heavyset, mustached owner of the hotel
is attentively fitting a small black plaster over Harry's
almost broken nose.
McAFEE
You should be more careful with who you
try'n make-out with next time.
HARRY
I didn't. Who'd wanna make out with that?
slobby little...slimy thing...
BIG WOMAN (V.O)
Y'all say somethin'?
HARRY
As if.
(Under breath)
Over-fed swine.
McAFEE
That's Darren Willis, big American director.
You should be more careful.
HARRY
Yeah? Well, this isn't the last he's heard
of the Gooseman.
McAFEE
I forgot you were The Goose.
HARRY
Whoa, my popularity has spread this far?
McAFEE
Nope. Saw it on your suitcase.
HARRY
Oh.
McAFEE
So what is the Goose?
8
HARRY
Everything you want it to be.
McAFEE
And what would you do if I wanted it
to be cooked.
HARRY
Give a wise bow and say "Shut up".
McAFEE
Oh. Well your wounds are okay, anyway. Are
you going to see the entertainment tonight?
HARRY
What is it?
McAFEE
Bob Bobson's mystery act.
HARRY
Might do. When's dinner?
McAFEE
In half an hour.
HARRY
Right. Well I'm gonna check out the local shops.
CUT TO:
INT. HARRY & RANDY'S ROOM - AFTER TEA/BEFORE BOBSON - NIGHT
Randy is taking a shower when Harry comes in clutching a cold can
of Boddington's. He takes a glass from a rack in the shabbiest corner
of the very shabby room, tilts the glass sideways and pours the beer
in.
CU - BOTTOM OF GLASS
The bottom of the glass is very loose.
BACK TO SCENE
Harry takes a long draught and heads to the window, he peels it open
and stares into the moon caked streets.
HARRY'S P.O.V
Darren and his wife, JULIE step out with their little twins, BOYD
and KELLY.
EXT. WINDOW - NIGHT
Harry watches as the group stop under his window so the adults can
light cigarettes.
9
CU - BOTTOM OF GLASS
It suddenly falls apart, one half bursts from the seams so it only
Dangles on by one side.
EXT. JULIE & DARREN - NIGHT
As a shower of beer ruins their designer posh garb. Both of them squeal.
INT. HARRY/RANDY'S ROOM - NIGHT
Harry sheepishly ducks back in and shuts the windows. He puts the glass
to one side and quickly bolts and locks the door. Randy comes out freshly
dressed.
RANDY
What's all the hullabaloo about?
HARRY
Excuse me?
RANDY
The screams?
HARRY
Oh I think it rained a little.
HEAVY BANGS are heard on the door, mixed with heavy expletives. Harry
quickly turns on the radio and it over shadows the noises.
HARRY (cont'd)
Nothing like good music.
RANDY
You hate Westlife. What are you covering
up?
HARRY
Fine, I accidentally broke the bottom off one of
the Hotel glasses.
RANDY
Oh I got some superglue, I'll soon mend that.
HARRY
I'm gonna go down and see the entertainment, coming?
RANDY
No, I'm seeing Tara.
HARRY
Sex?
RANDY (continued)
10
And maybe a head.
HARRY
Rock on.
INT. STAIRCASE/HALLWAY - NIGHT
Harry comes down the staircase and into the large hallway. Suddenly
SARAH, the shapely waitress who works in Harry’s favourite
coffee shop comes from the lift.
HARRY
SARAH!
Sarah spins, sees him:
SARAH
Harry...how great to see you.
HARRY
Same here. I see you arse is still
so fine.
SARAH
You perv.
HARRY
You weren't saying that Friday night.
SARAH
All right, point taken.
HARRY
What brings you here?
SARAH
Felt like a break.
HARRY
Where are you going?
SARAH
To the entertainment thing.
HARRY
May I have the pleasure of escorting
you?
Sarah finally grins, offers him her arm. He takes it, posh
style. They giggle.
INT. BAR/STAGE AREA - NIGHT
11
Harry comes over to Sarah with two drinks, she is sitting enjoying
a quiet smoke while watching some podgy Liverpool comedian (BOB
BOBSON) try to be funny. A group of Chinese people JEFF, ELIZA,
CHOW & SHEI sit next to them.
JEFF
Greetings, Mr. Goose.
HARRY
Hi. How'd you know me?
ELIZA
Your ghost hunting website is on fire in
our country at the moment.
HARRY
Oh...cool.
(To Sarah)
See you're dating a celebrity.
SARAH
Harry, we're not dating, just friends.
HARRY
Oh fuck you then.
Harry takes his drink and moves a few seats back. He is next to
The Geek!
GEEK
Oh, it's you again. Mr. Matrix.
HARRY
Yes it's me.
GEEK
Are you enjoying that drink?
HARRY
What d'you think I'm doing with it?
Blowing it like a trumpet.
GEEK
No that would blow the froth into your
face.
HARRY
Clever.
GEEK
Well I'm Joe, who're you?
HARRY
Harry Deckard.
12
GEEK
The Goose?
HARRY
The one and only. I'm not gonna ask how
you know me.
GEEK
The web of course, I hacked into your computer
and put a virus on it.
BAM! Harry socks him in the jaw.
HARRY
That's for all the scripts that bloody virus
Wiped from my computer.
Another punch.
HARRY (cont'd)
And that's because I'd got so far on Soldier
of Fortune two and my saves were wiped.
JOE holds his hand up.
JOE
Please! No more.
HARRY
Next one was gonna be fore some of the steamy
E-mails I got from an online date.
JOE
Bet that woulda hurt. Ever heard of Jules Fedsey?
HARRY
Nope.
JOE
Oh I'm Interpol, Joe Peruzzi, I'm hunting him
I have been for months. He's got a rap sheet
The size of my dick.
HARRY
He's never been arrested?
JOE
Yeah. But we think he may have been hacking into
Government files.
HARRY
Oh and you haven't?
JOE (continued)
13
Keep ya voice down, he's over there.
Joe points to Darren.
HARRY
No, that's Darren Willis, American director.
JOE
Who told you that?
HARRY
McAfee, the hotel owner.
JOE
That means he's onto it.
HARRY
Into what?
JOE
The operation.
HARRY
What operation?
JOE
The...you GUILLIBLE TWAT OPERATION!
Ha. Ha. Ha. You fell for it!
Harry hooks his foot around Joe's chair leg and pulls it away
From him.
HARRY
Oops, you fell for that.
Harry gets up and leaves.
HARRY'S THOUGHTS (V.O)
What a day in my life.
CUT TO:
INT. HARRY/RANDY'S ROOM - NIGHT (LATER)
Harry sits on the bed watching Some German porn film, he takes a frozen
can of Boddington's from his suitcase and puts it on the table, eyes still
on the film he moves to take the glass, he picks it up. Randy has scrawled
next to it: "DON'T USE-GLUE DRYING".
Harry is still watching the T.V, he checks the glass, and the bottom is on.
After checking her pours the beer into it and relaxes on the bed.
GERMAN PORNSTAR
Zeh gut! Zeh gut! Zeh guuuuuuut!
14
Harry leans back and leans the glass on his forehead. As he lies down,
WE PAN TO: Randy's note.
Harry relaxes in the coolness for a moment, then reaches for a drink,
he PULLS HARD, but it doesn't come off.
HARRY
Bullshit.
A knock at the door.
DARREN (V.O)
Deckard?
HARRY
Get lost.
The door opens-it was left unlocked. Darren steps in.
DARREN
This is for the beer.
Harry whips round; Beer from his glass goes flying onto Darren's
Shirt--staining it.
HARRY
Err...dry cleaner's is down the road.
Harry pushes the much bigger man out and SLAMS the door in his
face, he manages to lock it then stares into the mirror at the
now empty glass which is stuck sideways on his face. Darren
continues to knock on the door.
HARRY (cont'd)
Damn super glue.
HARRY'S IMAGINATION
INT. DARK ROOM - DAY
Harry, with no glass on his head steps into a metal booth
with "TIME MACHINE" written on top.
INT. TIME MACHINE - DAY
Harry types in "When super glue was invented" on the keypad.
A pause.
INT. SMALL LAB - NIGHT
Harry is FARTED out from a time hole, he lands in front of a
professor.
PROFESSOR (continued)
15
Hey, you're just in time to try out my
new invention, I call it amazing...no super
glue.
Harry seizes the man and THROWS HIM LIKE A JAVELIN through
the window.
HARRY
Stick on that!
DISSOLVE THROUGH TO:
COMMERCIAL BREAK TIME, THEN:
DISSOLVE BACK TO:
INT. HARRY/RANDY'S ROOM - NIGHT
Harry snaps out of it.
HARRY
(Singing for some reason)
Bullshit.
(Higher voice)
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
(Lower-rap)
Yo-yo-yo- motherin' yeah, bullshit,
bullshit, ain't no hurtin' the high
roller as he spin in a cadillac, chewin'
on some greasy-ass snack, so I say hold
back 'cos it's...
(Higher)
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
(Lower)
Yo-yo-yo, yeah. Bullshit, bullshi---.
A key turns in the door, Randy enters.
RANDY
Harry, man! I knew something like this would
happen.
HARRY
Look at my head! It's ruined!
RANDY
Now don't panic...
HARRY
Don't panic! YOU TELL ME NOT TO PANIC!
YOU FLAMIN' PANIC WHEN A SPIDER CRAWLS
IN.
RANDY
(Shakey) (continued)
16
Spid-spider? Where?
HARRY
Oh Tara's brave hero.
RANDY
Well she certainly thought I was.
HARRY
The definition of a Bastard: A guy
named Randy who shags you all night with
a two inch dick and kisses you goodnight
with a five inch tongue!
RANDY
Hilarious.
HARRY
I know. Now where's that bloody phone.
Harry swings up accidentally hits Randy with the glass. Randy
pulls away and locates the phone, he hands the receiver to
Harry.
CUT TO:
INT. HARRY/RANDY'S ROOM - MORNING
The first rays of morning pierce through the curtains. As Randy
stirs awake, he finds himself lying on the floor with a pillow
and a few sheets. A loud yawn and Harry is up.
PAN UP TO HARRY
As he swings up from bed his foot slams into the door handle, accidentally
hooks around it and he is sent sprawling to the floor. The door swings open.
HARRY
Damn.
HARRY'S IMAGINATION
Harry grabbing the door and shredding it into bits with a huge
CHAINSAW.
BACK TO SCENE
A heavy looking black youth walks into the room.
YOUTH
Hey, bitch, you makin' a lotta noise, disrupting'
my women. Stick yo' hands up and recieve yo'
beatin'!
Randy rolls his eyes and lies back down. Harry looks sheepish.
17
HARRY
Sorry man, but I...kinda have a pretty big
erection at the moment and he's desperate
for me to wank him, so if you don't go in the next
five seconds you're gonna have an angry me
and an angry Johnny on your arse.
The youth thinks for a moment and then decides to turn and
hurry out.
HARRY
Always works.
RANDY
You lucky sonofabitch.
Harry feels his head to make sure the glass has gone--it
has.
HARRY
Damn glass has buggered off at least.
I'm going for a walk anyway.
EXT. STREET - MORNING
Harry, dressed in a jacket and Levis, heads into the chilly
street. As he gets out a shower of baked beans lands inches
away from him, he spins and looks up to see Julie and Darren
leaning over their window smiling.
Harry grins.
HARRY
Missed!
SPLAT! A bowlful of spaghetti lands on his head.
HARRY'S THOUGHTS (V.O)
I asked for that.
TIME CUT:
EXT. LINE OF SHOPS - DAY
Harry is walking, while drinking COFFEE from a can. As he passes
a beauticians he stops, it reads "SPECIAL MEN'S DEAL: SHAVE AND
MASSAGE FOR £5.00, SPECIAL OFFER". Harry thinks, finishes the drink,
slips it into a recycling bin and heads in.
INT. BEAUTICIAN'S - FOYER - DAY
Harry steps in to the tiny, adequately-decorated place. A sunny
receptionist greets him with a "for the public" smile.
18
RECEPTIONIST
Hello. What can I do you for?
HARRY
The discounts massage and shave?
RECEPTIONIST
Oh yes. That'll be five pounds, please.
Harry hands her a fiver. She beckons him in.
CUT TO:
INT. MASSAGING THEATRE - DAY
Harry lies, looking in ecstasy. A gorgeous massager is rubbing her
toes into his back. He moans in a beautiful orgasm. The massager
is dancing around like a wild pixie on him.
HARRY
Oooooooh! Bitch! Spank me! Spank me!
The massager shrugs and grabs a leather whip. Harry doesn't expect
it when SPANK! He gets it full on.
HARRY
What the...
He is cut off as: SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! His words are overshadowed
by the hard leather.
MASSAGER
That good, bitch?
HARRY
Err...yeah.
The massager throws the whip aside and continues with the massage.
CU - HARRY'S FACE
As he slowly slips into the land of nod.
BLACK SCREEN
We hear Harry snore and a sharp BUZZING sound.
CUT TO:
INT. HARRY - DAY
Harry wakes up, looking groggy. The massager is holding a razor
and standing over him, he is lying on his back.
HARRY (continued)
19
Oh my balls feel so cold...hey you...you
shaved my...my...
MASSAGER
Well what did you expect me to shave for
such a low price?
HARRY (Shocked)
My stubble? Oh, I have no stubble.
(Dawns on him)
Oh...my...gosh...you've shaved my
pheubes off!
Harry screams and pounces free from the table and from the
Massager. He turns and flees.
EXT. STREETS - DAY
As Harry is BELCHED out (still naked) from the doors, he
runs terrified down the street, we get a view from waist up,
women shield children's eyes, men can't help but watch, and others
wolf whistle.
INT. POSH CAFE - DAY
A James Bond stereotype is ordering a Martini when he sees Harry go
past, he stares transfixed.
BARMAN
And how would you like your drink, sir?
JAMES BOND TYPE
(Transfixed)
Shaven not stirred...
The Barman stares at him like he's just farted out a cat.
BACK TO:
EXT. STREETS - DAY
As naked Harry rushes like a lunatic through the streets.
HARRY
(Self)
Holidays! Damn 'em.
Sarah happens to be coming from the Baker's when he charges
past.
SARAH
Is this meanna impress me Harry?
HARRY (Dry) (continued)
20
Oh yeah, all for you, baby.
Harry charges past. Sarah throws a French loaf at him, he catches
and puts it in front of his modesty.
HARRY
(To camera)
High-speed relationships never work.
And I can't think of anymore one liners.
Harry charges forward, when he sees Darren come around the corner,
he grins, spins his French stick like a last and BAM! Hits Darren
right in the stomach, as Darren topples Harry grins.
HARRY
And I bet it's bigger'n yours.
DARREN
Fiend!
EXT. STREET LEADING TO HOTEL - DAY
Harry reaches the street leading to the hotel and grins, he's
almost there--to freedom--and that's when he trips on the banana
skin and falls FRONT FIRST onto a bristly welcome mat.
BLACK SCREEN
A LOUD SCREAM.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT - HOSPITAL - NIGHT
Harry and Randy emerge from the hospital. Harry has just been
de-admitted.
HARRY
At least they were able to take hair
from my head and put on my balls.
RANDY
Yeah.
HARRY
Only thing was I was in full erectonized
state when I felt those Bristles.
Randy shudders.
RANDY
Okay, okay, I don't wanna know!
HARRY
Well, it was quite a day. I can tell
You. Now I’m ready to leave.
21
RANDY
You joking? Me and Tara need to stay longer
To get to know each other!
21
CU—HARRY’S FACE
It turns to a picture of horror.
HARRY
Oh a few more days in the bloody hotel
From hell, you’re havin’ a laugh, ain’t
Ya?
RANDY
(Grinning)
It’s not funny, it’s bloody hilarious.
FADE TO BLACK
AS HARRY EMITS A BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM.
THE END
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