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-------------------------

1
















 


A DAY IN MY LIFE


EPISODE 2


"HOLIDAYS FROM HELL"

© Harry "The Goose" Deckard.




Dialogue formatting: Name-26, speech-11.
Font: Courier New-Point 10.


OPEN UP ON:


INT. BUS - NIGHT


We open up on a large red bus; it's packed with various tourists
From the big Americans in Hawaiian shirts and shorts to the Scotsmen
In their kilts, to HARRY DECKARD and RANDY KINGLER. Who sit near the
Back drinking beer and wearing casual clothing. 


An "ANYONE CAUGHT DRINKING OR EATING ON THIS BUS WILL BE FINED"
hangs above their heads. And another "NO SMOKING" sign is under
it. But Randy smokes a Lucky Strike and Harry eats a bag of peanuts.
They are being watched by a shifty eyed guy who is instant messaging
someone on his computer.

Harry finally notices.

                          HARRY
     2

  
         Is there something wrong?

                          GEEK (continued)  
         What is the bus on fire or summat?

                          HARRY
           No, I mean d'you have a problem with
           us?

                          GEEK
           There's only one of you.

                          HARRY
           Oh for cryin' out loud, stop talkin' like
           some Matrix reject and talk sensibly!

                          GEEK
           What's the Matrix?

                          HARRY
           Oh for crying out loud. Stick yer head out
           of yer arse for long enough to get a life.

                          GEEK
           Y'wot?

Harry flips him off. 

                          GEEK (cont'd)
           One what?

Harry is now really confused.

                          HARRY
           What?

                          GEEK
           You made a one signal with your hand.

Harry fumes and turns to Randy.

                          RANDY
           Harry, don't let him bother you.

                          HARRY
           That's just too hard. 
                         (Shouting)
           HEY DRIVER! HOW FAR ARE WE FROM THE
           BLOODY HOTEL?

                          DRIVER (V.O)
           Do I see you eating down there?

                          HARRY (continued)
3

           Oh yeah, he's smoking, we're drinking

           
           and I'm eating.

                         DRIVER (V.O) 
           No need for sarcasm.

Harry grins, it wasn't sarcasm of course. 

                          HARRY
            Can you put that damn fag out?
            He'll see the smoke.

                          RANDY
            Since Jenna dumped me I gotta have
            something to hold.

                          HARRY
                       (After a pause)
            Okay don't put it out.

Harry searches the bus. Locks in like the terminator
on a sexy girl.

HARRY'S P.O.V

(BABE-MODE)

Set out like a Terminator view screen. The sexy girl
is in his green crosshairs, and surrounded by a red square.
Under it is:

Martial status: Single.

Bra size: 34EE.

Job: Stripper.

Other information: One word--HORNY.

BACK TO SCENE

Harry pulls out of babe-mode. And thinks of doing something
to get her attention.

                          HARRY
           Check out the blonde over there.

                          RANDY
           D'you think I should go for it? 

                          HARRY
                      (Regretfully)
           I was gonna have a go, but you try.

4


                          RANDY
                     (Extinguishing fag)
           And off the King goes.

Randy gets up and stealthily creeps into the seat next to
her. Harry grins.

                          HARRY
                         (Self)
           He's learning.

Randy and the girl are seen to be in deep conversation. 

                          HARRY'S THOUGHTS (V.O)
           It's good to have a rookie with you, someone
           to pass things onto when you finally pass
           away and go to the horrors of marriage. Poor
           guy was dumped by his six year girlfriend last
           week, devastated, but now I have to go to 
           bloody Yorkshire with him, just 'cos I opened
           my big mouth and said he needs a break. But
           oh well, hopefully that have good girls there.

The bus stops, a few people get on. There aren't many seats, so
a beautiful foreign woman wearing very skimp clothes has to sit
next to Harry. As Harry leans into camera, grins and raises his
eyebrow, we:

CUT TO:

EXT. DYNAMITE HOTEL - NIGHT

The bus stops outside a small three floor hotel set on the corner
of a lovely, remote Yorkshire coastal town. Harry, Randy and quite
a few others get off; Harry's face is covered in lipstick and his
T-shirt is ripped. No prizes for guessing what he was up to.

                          HARRY
           Whoa, what a trip.

Randy is with the Blonde girl, TARA.

                          RANDY
           Best bus ride of my life.

                          HARRY
           So who's the new bitch?

                          RANDY
           Tara meet Harry, Harry meet Tara.

                          TARA/HARRY
           Hi.

5


                          RANDY
           She's staying in our hotel.

Harry nods.

INT. HOTEL - RECEPTION - NIGHT

Harry enters with his luggage, while Randy and Tara come in
arm in arm. The receptionist, KATIE, old and weathered grins.

                          KATIE
           Mr. Goose?

                          HARRY
           How did you know?

                          KATIE
           A hunch, yes you and Mr. Kingler are in room
           eight.

                          HARRY
           I asked for separate rooms.

                          KATIE
           Well boo-hoo-hoo, sorry we're fully booked.

                          HARRY
           Are there separate beds?

                          KATIE
           No.

                          HARRY
           A sofa?

                          KATIE
           No.

                          HARRY
           A Jacuzzi?

                          KATIE
           No. No and no. Here's your key.

Katie hands him a key, then she turns to some other tourists.
Harry flips her off, and makes fun of her behind her back...
but stops when she turns round. Randy leaves Tara.

                          RANDY
          See ya later, honey.

                          HARRY
          Great news, we have to sleep in the same
          room.
6


                          RANDY
          Bagsy top bunk.

                          HARRY
          There's only one bed. As you bagsied first
          you get the floor.

                          RANDY 
          Oh great.

                          HARRY
          How's the new girl?

                          RANDY
          Great, she's just Jenna but blonde and hornier.

                          HARRY
          Oh come on, Jenna wasn't exactly special.

They head up the stairs, bags in tow.

INT. FIRST FLOOR - NIGHT

The two of them come out of some double doors. As Harry comes
a HUGE AMERICAN WOMAN JUMPS HIM, THEY CRASH TO THE FLOOR.

                          BIG WOMAN
           Oh, Darren, I love you so much. Don't ever
           go.

Harry is bewildered.

                          HARRY
           I'm sure I love you too, d'you fancy getting
           off? You're kind of...crushing certain areas.

The big woman looks up to him.

                          BIG WOMAN
           Bastard! You ain't Darren!

She PUNCHES Harry right in the jaw, it feels like a jackhammer.

                          HARRY
           Aw, bullshit, woman. If you were a man I'd
           break your...

Suddenly DARREN, her obese American husband comes upstairs.

                          BIG WOMAN
           Oh Darren! This awful little thing came onto
           me.

Darren hugs her then moves to Harry, who is getting up.
7


                          DARREN
           Why y'all little sonovabitch.

Harry knows what's coming next:

BAM!

CUT TO:

INT. RECEPTION - NIGHT

VINCENT McAFEE the heavyset, mustached owner of the hotel
is attentively fitting a small black plaster over Harry's
almost broken nose.

                          McAFEE
           You should be more careful with who you
           try'n make-out with next time.

                          HARRY
           I didn't. Who'd wanna make out with that?
           slobby little...slimy thing...

                          BIG WOMAN (V.O)
           Y'all say somethin'?

                          HARRY 
           As if.
                       (Under breath)
           Over-fed swine.

                          McAFEE
           That's Darren Willis, big American director.
           You should be more careful.

                          HARRY
           Yeah? Well, this isn't the last he's heard
           of the Gooseman.

                          McAFEE
           I forgot you were The Goose.

                          HARRY
           Whoa, my popularity has spread this far?

                          McAFEE
           Nope. Saw it on your suitcase.

                          HARRY
           Oh.

                          McAFEE
           So what is the Goose?

8
                          HARRY
           Everything you want it to be.

                          McAFEE
           And what would you do if I wanted it
           to be cooked.

                          HARRY
           Give a wise bow and say "Shut up".

                          McAFEE
           Oh. Well your wounds are okay, anyway. Are
           you going to see the entertainment tonight?


                          HARRY
           What is it?

                          McAFEE
           Bob Bobson's mystery act.
 
                          HARRY
           Might do. When's dinner?

                          McAFEE
           In half an hour.
                          
                          HARRY
           Right. Well I'm gonna check out the local shops.

CUT TO:

INT. HARRY & RANDY'S ROOM - AFTER TEA/BEFORE BOBSON - NIGHT

Randy is taking a shower when Harry comes in clutching a cold can
of Boddington's. He takes a glass from a rack in the shabbiest corner
of the very shabby room, tilts the glass sideways and pours the beer
in.

CU - BOTTOM OF GLASS

The bottom of the glass is very loose.

BACK TO SCENE

Harry takes a long draught and heads to the window, he peels it open
and stares into the moon caked streets.

HARRY'S P.O.V

Darren and his wife, JULIE step out with their little twins, BOYD
and KELLY.

EXT. WINDOW - NIGHT

Harry watches as the group stop under his window so the adults can
light cigarettes.
9


CU - BOTTOM OF GLASS

It suddenly falls apart, one half bursts from the seams so it only
Dangles on by one side.

EXT. JULIE & DARREN - NIGHT

As a shower of beer ruins their designer posh garb. Both of them squeal.

INT. HARRY/RANDY'S ROOM - NIGHT

Harry sheepishly ducks back in and shuts the windows. He puts the glass
to one side and quickly bolts and locks the door. Randy comes out freshly
dressed.

                          RANDY
           What's all the hullabaloo about?

                          HARRY
           Excuse me?

                          RANDY
           The screams?

                          HARRY
           Oh I think it rained a little.

HEAVY BANGS are heard on the door, mixed with heavy expletives. Harry
quickly turns on the radio and it over shadows the noises.

                          HARRY (cont'd) 
           Nothing like good music.

                          RANDY
           You hate Westlife. What are you covering
           up?

                          HARRY
           Fine, I accidentally broke the bottom off one of
           the Hotel glasses.

                          RANDY
           Oh I got some superglue, I'll soon mend that.

                          HARRY
           I'm gonna go down and see the entertainment, coming?

                          RANDY
           No, I'm seeing Tara.

                          HARRY
           Sex?

                          RANDY (continued)
10


           And maybe a head.

                          HARRY
           Rock on.


INT. STAIRCASE/HALLWAY - NIGHT

Harry comes down the staircase and into the large hallway. Suddenly
SARAH, the shapely waitress who works in Harry's favourite
coffee shop comes from the lift.

                          HARRY
           SARAH!

Sarah spins, sees him:

                          SARAH
           Harry...how great to see you.

                          HARRY
           Same here. I see you arse is still
           so fine.

                          SARAH
           You perv.

                          HARRY
           You weren't saying that Friday night.

                          SARAH
           All right, point taken.

                          HARRY
           What brings you here?

                          SARAH
           Felt like a break.

                          HARRY
           Where are you going?

                          SARAH
           To the entertainment thing.

                          HARRY
           May I have the pleasure of escorting
           you?

Sarah finally grins, offers him her arm. He takes it, posh
style. They giggle.

INT. BAR/STAGE AREA - NIGHT

11


Harry comes over to Sarah with two drinks, she is sitting enjoying
a quiet smoke while watching some podgy Liverpool comedian (BOB 
BOBSON) try to be funny. A group of Chinese people JEFF, ELIZA,
CHOW & SHEI sit next to them.

                          JEFF 
           Greetings, Mr. Goose.

                          HARRY
           Hi. How'd you know me?

                          ELIZA
           Your ghost hunting website is on fire in
           our country at the moment.

                          HARRY
           Oh...cool.
                        (To Sarah)
           See you're dating a celebrity.

                          SARAH
           Harry, we're not dating, just friends.

                          HARRY
           Oh fuck you then.

Harry takes his drink and moves a few seats back. He is next to
The Geek!

                          GEEK
           Oh, it's you again. Mr. Matrix.

                          HARRY
           Yes it's me.

                          GEEK
           Are you enjoying that drink?

                          HARRY
           What d'you think I'm doing with it?
           Blowing it like a trumpet.

                          GEEK
           No that would blow the froth into your
           face.

                          HARRY
           Clever.

                          GEEK
           Well I'm Joe, who're you?

                          HARRY
           Harry Deckard.
12


                          GEEK
           The Goose?

                          HARRY
           The one and only. I'm not gonna ask how
           you know me.

                          GEEK
           The web of course, I hacked into your computer
           and put a virus on it.

BAM! Harry socks him in the jaw.

                          HARRY
           That's for all the scripts that bloody virus
           Wiped from my computer.

Another punch.

                          HARRY (cont'd)
           And that's because I'd got so far on Soldier
           of Fortune two and my saves were wiped.

JOE holds his hand up.

                          JOE
           Please! No more.

                          HARRY
           Next one was gonna be fore some of the steamy
           E-mails I got from an online date.

                          JOE
           Bet that woulda hurt. Ever heard of Jules Fedsey?

                          HARRY
           Nope.

                          JOE
           Oh I'm Interpol, Joe Peruzzi, I'm hunting him 
           I have been for months. He's got a rap sheet
           The size of my dick.

                          HARRY
           He's never been arrested?

                          JOE
           Yeah. But we think he may have been hacking into
           Government files.

                          HARRY
           Oh and you haven't?

                          JOE (continued)
13


           Keep ya voice down, he's over there.

Joe points to Darren.

                          HARRY
           No, that's Darren Willis, American director.

                          JOE
           Who told you that?

                          HARRY
           McAfee, the hotel owner.

                          JOE
           That means he's onto it.

                          HARRY
           Into what?

                          JOE
           The operation.

                          HARRY
           What operation?

                          JOE
           The...you GUILLIBLE TWAT OPERATION!
           Ha. Ha. Ha. You fell for it!

Harry hooks his foot around Joe's chair leg and pulls it away
From him.

                          HARRY
           Oops, you fell for that.

Harry gets up and leaves.

                          HARRY'S THOUGHTS (V.O)
           What a day in my life.

CUT TO:

INT. HARRY/RANDY'S ROOM - NIGHT (LATER)

Harry sits on the bed watching Some German porn film, he takes a frozen
can of Boddington's from his suitcase and puts it on the table, eyes still
on the film he moves to take the glass, he picks it up. Randy has scrawled 
next to it: "DON'T USE-GLUE DRYING".

Harry is still watching the T.V, he checks the glass, and the bottom is on.
After checking her pours the beer into it and relaxes on the bed.

                          GERMAN PORNSTAR
           Zeh gut! Zeh gut! Zeh guuuuuuut!
14


Harry leans back and leans the glass on his forehead. As he lies down,
WE PAN TO: Randy's note.

Harry relaxes in the coolness for a moment, then reaches for a drink,
he PULLS HARD, but it doesn't come off.

                          HARRY 
           Bullshit.

A knock at the door.

                          DARREN (V.O)
           Deckard?

                          HARRY
           Get lost.

The door opens-it was left unlocked. Darren steps in.

                          DARREN
           This is for the beer.

Harry whips round; Beer from his glass goes flying onto Darren's
Shirt--staining it.

                          HARRY
           Err...dry cleaner's is down the road.

Harry pushes the much bigger man out and SLAMS the door in his
face, he manages to lock it then stares into the mirror at the

now empty glass which is stuck sideways on his face. Darren 
continues to knock on the door.

                          HARRY (cont'd)
           Damn super glue.

HARRY'S IMAGINATION

INT. DARK ROOM - DAY

Harry, with no glass on his head steps into a metal booth
with "TIME MACHINE" written on top.

INT. TIME MACHINE - DAY

Harry types in "When super glue was invented" on the keypad.
A pause.

INT. SMALL LAB - NIGHT

Harry is FARTED out from a time hole, he lands in front of a
professor.

                          PROFESSOR (continued)
15

           Hey, you're just in time to try out my
           new invention, I call it amazing...no super
           glue.

Harry seizes the man and THROWS HIM LIKE A JAVELIN through
the window.

                          HARRY
           Stick on that!

DISSOLVE THROUGH TO:

COMMERCIAL BREAK TIME, THEN:

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

INT. HARRY/RANDY'S ROOM - NIGHT

Harry snaps out of it. 

                         HARRY
                   (Singing for some reason)
           Bullshit.
                        (Higher voice)
           Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
                        (Lower-rap)
           Yo-yo-yo- motherin' yeah, bullshit,
           bullshit, ain't no hurtin' the high
           roller as he spin in a cadillac, chewin' 
           on some greasy-ass snack, so I say hold
           back 'cos it's...
                        (Higher)
           Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
                        (Lower)
           Yo-yo-yo, yeah. Bullshit, bullshi---.

A key turns in the door, Randy enters.

                          RANDY
           Harry, man! I knew something like this would
           happen.

                          HARRY
           Look at my head! It's ruined!

                          RANDY
           Now don't panic...

                          HARRY
           Don't panic! YOU TELL ME NOT TO PANIC!
           YOU FLAMIN' PANIC WHEN A SPIDER CRAWLS
           IN.

                          RANDY
                        (Shakey) (continued)
16

           Spid-spider? Where?

                          HARRY
           Oh Tara's brave hero.

                          RANDY
           Well she certainly thought I was.

                          HARRY
           The definition of a Bastard: A guy
           named Randy who shags you all night with
           a two inch dick and kisses you goodnight
           with a five inch tongue!

                          RANDY
           Hilarious.

                          HARRY
           I know. Now where's that bloody phone.

Harry swings up accidentally hits Randy with the glass. Randy
pulls away and locates the phone, he hands the receiver to
Harry.

CUT TO:

INT. HARRY/RANDY'S ROOM - MORNING

The first rays of morning pierce through the curtains. As Randy
stirs awake, he finds himself lying on the floor with a pillow
and a few sheets.  A loud yawn and Harry is up. 

PAN UP TO HARRY

As he swings up from bed his foot slams into the door handle, accidentally
hooks around it and he is sent sprawling to the floor. The door swings open.

                          HARRY
           Damn.

HARRY'S IMAGINATION

Harry grabbing the door and shredding it into bits with a huge
CHAINSAW.

BACK TO SCENE

A heavy looking black youth walks into the room.

                          YOUTH
           Hey, bitch, you makin' a lotta noise, disrupting'
           my women. Stick yo' hands up and recieve yo'
           beatin'!

Randy rolls his eyes and lies back down. Harry looks sheepish.
17


                          HARRY
           Sorry man, but I...kinda have a pretty big
           erection at the moment and he's desperate
           for me to wank him, so if you don't go in the next
           five seconds you're gonna have an angry me 
           and an angry Johnny on your arse.

The youth thinks for a moment and then decides to turn and 
hurry out.

                          HARRY
           Always works.

                          RANDY
           You lucky sonofabitch.

Harry feels his head to make sure the glass has gone--it
has.

                          HARRY
           Damn glass has buggered off at least.
           I'm going for a walk anyway.

EXT. STREET - MORNING

Harry, dressed in a jacket and Levis, heads into the chilly
street. As he gets out a shower of baked beans lands inches
away from him, he spins and looks up to see Julie and Darren
leaning over their window smiling.

Harry grins.

                          HARRY
           Missed!

SPLAT! A bowlful of spaghetti lands on his head.

                          HARRY'S THOUGHTS (V.O)
           I asked for that.

TIME CUT:

EXT. LINE OF SHOPS - DAY

Harry is walking, while drinking COFFEE from a can. As he passes
a beauticians he stops, it reads "SPECIAL MEN'S DEAL: SHAVE AND
MASSAGE FOR £5.00, SPECIAL OFFER". Harry thinks, finishes the drink,
slips it into a recycling bin and heads in.

INT. BEAUTICIAN'S - FOYER - DAY

Harry steps in to the tiny, adequately-decorated place. A sunny
receptionist greets him with a "for the public" smile.

18

                          RECEPTIONIST
           Hello. What can I do you for?

                          HARRY
           The discounts massage and shave?

                          RECEPTIONIST 
           Oh yes. That'll be five pounds, please.

Harry hands her a fiver. She beckons him in.

CUT TO:

INT. MASSAGING THEATRE - DAY

Harry lies, looking in ecstasy. A gorgeous massager is rubbing her
toes into his back. He moans in a beautiful orgasm. The massager
is dancing around like a wild pixie on him.

                          HARRY
           Oooooooh! Bitch! Spank me! Spank me!

The massager shrugs and grabs a leather whip. Harry doesn't expect
it when SPANK! He gets it full on.

                          HARRY
           What the...

He is cut off as: SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! His words are overshadowed
by the hard leather.

                          MASSAGER
           That good, bitch?

                          HARRY
           Err...yeah.

The massager throws the whip aside and continues with the massage.

CU - HARRY'S FACE

As he slowly slips into the land of nod.

BLACK SCREEN

We hear Harry snore and a sharp BUZZING sound.

CUT TO:

INT. HARRY - DAY

Harry wakes up, looking groggy. The massager is holding a razor
and standing over him, he is lying on his back.

                          HARRY (continued)
19
           Oh my balls feel so cold...hey you...you
           shaved my...my...

                          MASSAGER
           Well what did you expect me to shave for
           such a low price?

                          HARRY (Shocked)
           My stubble? Oh, I have no stubble. 
                    (Dawns on him)
           Oh...my...gosh...you've shaved my
           pheubes off!


Harry screams and pounces free from the table and from the
Massager. He turns and flees.


EXT. STREETS - DAY

As Harry is BELCHED out (still naked) from the doors, he
runs terrified down the street, we get a view from waist up,
women shield children's eyes, men can't help but watch, and others
wolf whistle.

INT. POSH CAFE - DAY

A James Bond stereotype is ordering a Martini when he sees Harry go
past, he stares transfixed.

                          BARMAN
           And how would you like your drink, sir?

                          JAMES BOND TYPE
                         (Transfixed)
           Shaven not stirred...

The Barman stares at him like he's just farted out a cat.

BACK TO:

EXT. STREETS - DAY

As naked Harry rushes like a lunatic through the streets.

                          HARRY
                       (Self)
            Holidays! Damn 'em.

Sarah happens to be coming from the Baker's when he charges
past.

                          SARAH
            Is this meanna impress me Harry?

                          HARRY (Dry) (continued)
20
            Oh yeah, all for you, baby.

Harry charges past. Sarah throws a French loaf at him, he catches
and puts it in front of his modesty.

                          HARRY 
                      (To camera)
            High-speed relationships never work.
            And I can't think of anymore one liners.

Harry charges forward, when he sees Darren come around the corner,
he grins, spins his French stick like a last and BAM! Hits Darren
right in the stomach, as Darren topples Harry grins.


                          HARRY
            And I bet it's bigger'n yours.

                          DARREN
            Fiend!

EXT. STREET LEADING TO HOTEL - DAY

Harry reaches the street leading to the hotel and grins, he's
almost there--to freedom--and that's when he trips on the banana
skin and falls FRONT FIRST onto a bristly welcome mat.

BLACK SCREEN

A LOUD SCREAM.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARKING LOT - HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Harry and Randy emerge from the hospital. Harry has just been
de-admitted.

                           HARRY
           At least they were able to take hair 
           from my head and put on my balls.

                           RANDY
           Yeah.

                           HARRY
           Only thing was I was in full erectonized
           state when I felt those Bristles.

Randy shudders.

                           RANDY
            Okay, okay, I don't wanna know!

                           HARRY
            Well, it was quite a day. I can tell
            You. Now I'm ready to leave.
21

                           RANDY
            You joking? Me and Tara need to stay longer
            To get to know each other!

21


CU—HARRY'S FACE

It turns to a picture of horror.


                           HARRY
           Oh a few more days in the bloody hotel
           From hell, you're havin' a laugh, ain't
           Ya?

                           RANDY
                         (Grinning)
           It's not funny, it's bloody hilarious.


FADE TO BLACK

AS HARRY EMITS A BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM.



                      THE END



The following program was a THE GOOSE production. We hope
You enjoyed it, E-mail thegoose_888@hotmail or thegoose888@yahoo.com
With any queries, questions or thoughts on this masterpiece.

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