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-------------------------


  
    

                 

                                 "A DAY IN MY LIFE"

                                    SEASON ONE

                                   EPISODE ONE

                         "And We Start As We Intend To Begin"

               21:46, 18/02/05 - 13:32 20/02/05

                

                

               ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 

               And we start as we intend to begin: In today's episode Harry battles 
               with a chainsaw-wielding plumber and God. While Randal becomes convinced 
               that the grim reaper is after him. Clint and Arturo both have girl 
               problems and Kurt gets the fright of his life.

                

               FADE IN:

               CREDIT SEQUENCE

               Greenday's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" plays as we focus on a desktop 
               globe. The first few credits appear. A GODLIKE hand moves into frame and 
               begins to spin the globe around and around, a few more credits appear. 
               Once they disappear we stop and the hand points to the island of Great 
               Britain. GOD'S VOICE BEGINS TO NARRATE.

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                              (Narrating)
                         Hello, I'm God and I'm here to narrate today's 
                         story. Now, I'd like to welcome you to the 
                         small island of England. One of the most 
                         interesting places in the known world...

                                                                 DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. LONDON -- DAY
               (God)

               A few more credits appear as we begin to pan through the streets of 
               London, the song finishes and "The Streets of London" by Ralph McTell 
               begins to play.

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         London, the capital city of England.

                                                                 DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. NORWICH -- DAY
               (God, Harry, Camerman, Director)

               Now we're in the much smaller city of Norwich, the song still plays as 
               the last few credits make an appearance.

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         Norwich, not the capital city of England. A 
                         nice, quiet little city where our story 
                         unfolds.

               We PAN THROUGH the streets until we see HARRY DECKARD walk out of a 
               "Starbuck's" cafè and into the busy main streets. He holds a HMV bag and 
               a Clinton's Card bag. He's somewhere between twenty and twenty-six. Tall.  
               Shaggy brown hair. Fairly good looking. Slim/athletic build.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         2.


                                     GOD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
                         Mr. Harry Deckard, one of my 
                         more...um...eccentric creations.

               Harry looks at the camera as he walks.

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)
                         Is it on?

                                     CAMERMAN (O.S.)
                         Uh-huh, ready when you are Mr. Deckard...

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)
                         Ok! Hi, guys, I'm Har... 

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         Hey! Hey! Hey! I thought I was supposed to 
                         be narrating!

               Harry shakes his head.

                                     HARRY
                         Ah-ah, it's my show now.

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         No. Honestly, I think I was supposed to be 
                         Narrating.

                                     HARRY
                         Yeah, but I want to. It's my show.

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         I'm the one who created you, ungrateful 
                         submission.

                                     HARRY
                         Listen, God, as much as I love you and respect 
                         you as my God, I'd like to Narrate.

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         Are you talking back to me?

                                     HARRY
                         No. I'm just asking you if I can narrate.

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         Director!

                                     DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                         What?

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         Am I supposed to be narrating, or is he?

                                     DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                         Um...don't get me involved in this...

                                     HARRY
                         See? That was definitely a; "Harry should be 
                         Narrating".

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         No it wasn't.

                                     HARRY
                         YES IT BLOODY WAS!

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         3.


                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         NO IT WASN'T!

                                     HARRY
                         YES IT WAS!

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         Don't make me lose my temper with you...

                                     HARRY
                         OH! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? STRIKE ME DOWN?

               BAM! A lightning bolt hits Harry, turning him into a small puddle of 
               flesh-coloured goo. A few shoppers turn around to look.

                                     DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                         GOD!

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         Sorry.

               ANGLE ON

               A clapper board, as it claps down.

                                     DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                         Take two!

               BACK TO SCENE

               Harry is walking back down the street.

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)
                         And as I was saying, before I was so rudely 
                         interrupted...

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         I'm supposed to be narrating!

                                     HARRY
                         Look, how about we take it in turns? You do 
                         it for one episode, I do it for another? How 
                         about that?

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         Fine.

                                     HARRY
                         My turn first.

               THUNDER CLAPS OVERHEAD, IT BEGINS RAINING.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         Oh and he's crying now!

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         AM NOT! I JUST HAD SOMETHING IN MY EYE!

               Harry shakes his head and continues walking.

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)                                       *
                         Anyway I'm Harry Deckard and welcome to the 
                         first episode of "A day in my life".

                                                                    FADE OUT:

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         4.


                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         So was that it? Was that all you had to say? 
                         Well, if I'd have known that in the first 
                         place...

               FADE IN:

               INT. THE FLAT -- MORNING
               (Harry, Randal, Scorch, God)

               The flat that Harry lives in is a small, messy, four roomed affair. 
               There's a main living space, with a BIG SCREEN TV and sofa, a small 
               kitchen which is built into the lounge, two bedrooms and a small bathroom. 
               A massive window overlooks the pleasant Norwich landscape. 

               From somewhere O.S a BUZZER alarm clock goes off, the sounds of a hand 
               slapping it to OFF can be heard.

               A moment of silence.

               A crumpled form gets up from a mess of blankets on the sofa, this is 
               Harry's flatmate, RANDAL. Randal is about twenty-two, a tall, gangly guy 
               who was probably a geek at school - but looks as if he's grown out of 
               it. He yawns and runs a hand through his wavy jet black hair.

               Harry's alsatian dog, SCORCH leaps onto a leather recliner.

                                     RANDAL
                         Get off, man!

               Scorch barks playfully.

                                     SCORCH
                              (A gruff voice)
                         No, it's my chair.

                                     RANDAL
                         Hey! Now why the hell do we have a talking 
                         dog?

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         Just adding my spin on the series.

               Randal grimaces.

                                     RANDAL
                         Now get the hell off, go drop your fleas on 
                         Harry's bed or something.

                                     SCORCH
                         I like this chair. 
                              (Pause)
                         Yeah, I like it so much that I'm gonna mark 
                         it as my property.

               It takes Randal a while to work out what's going on, but Scorch has 
               already cocked his leg and unleashed a deadly stream of urine onto the 
               recliner before he can do anything.

                                     RANDAL
                         OH HELL NO! GET YOUR STUPID ARSE OFF OF IT, 
                         DOG!

               Randal kicks the dog off of the recliner, it lands in a heap, still 
               squirting urine around the room. Randal opens his mouth to tell it off 
               but ends up being smeared with a line of excrement. He spits it out in 
               horror.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         5.


                                     SCORCH
                         You're lucky I don't report you to the bloody 
                         RSPCA.

                                     RANDAL
                         You've wrecked that chair, Scorch! You've 
                         ruined it!

                                     SCORCH
                         No I haven't. I'm just gonna be the only one 
                         who dares sit on it.

                                     RANDAL
                         HARRY!

                                     HARRY (O.S.)
                         What?

                                     RANDAL
                         Come here.

               Harry enters, wearing a long Hawaiian shirt and boxers, he was just 
               washing when Randal called and his hair looks like some kind of exotic 
               bird's nest.

                                     HARRY
                         What's wrong?

                                     RANDAL
                         Look at what your treasured dog has done to 
                         my recliner.

                                     SCORCH
                         It's my recliner now.

                                     HARRY
                         Did the dog just talk or do I need another 
                         mug of coffee?

                                     RANDAL
                         Yes, the dog can talk. God decided that he 
                         wanted to add his own "spin to the series".

                                     HARRY
                         Oh dear. So what has the dog done to the 
                         recliner?

                                     RANDAL
                         Bathed it in his own juices, that's what!

                                     HARRY
                         Well clean it, Randy.

                                     RANDAL
                         I don't know how to!

                                     HARRY
                         Well then, wait till the freaking maid comes. 
                         She'll deal with it.

                                     RANDAL
                         But Sondra doesn't come till nine!

                                     HARRY
                         Well, boo-hoo-hoo. Can't you wait an hour?

                                     SCORCH
                         See, Harry's a much better person than you, 
                         he knows how to treat a dog.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         6.


               Harry's ego grows a few more inches. Randal shakes his head and walks 
               into the bathroom, Harry heads into the kitchen.

               INT. THE KITCHEN -- CONTINUOUS
               (Harry, Randal, Elvis Presley, Scorch, God)

               Harry looks into camera and cracks a "just waking up" smile.

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)
                         Welcome to my flat. A beautiful place set in 
                         a small block of flats down Carrow Road, 
                         Norwich. That's right by the Norwich City 
                         Football ground, for those of you who don't 
                         know. We'll meet most of the other tenants 
                         later.
                              (Pause)
                         So, that's my now-talking-dog Scorch and my 
                         flatmate, Randal. He's a little bit of a 
                         dick.

                                     RANDAL (O.S.)
                         DON'T THINK I CAN'T HEAR YOU, DECKARD!

                                     HARRY
                         Whaddya want to drink? Coffee or orange juice?

                                     RANDAL (O.S.)
                         Coffee.

                                     HARRY
                         Nescafè or Tesco's own brand.

                                     RANDAL (O.S.)
                         Is there even a contest?

                                     HARRY
                         Okay.
                              (Pause)
                         I'll give you the two week out of date, own 
                         brand.

               Harry begins making drinks. He takes out a sachet of mocha mix and plonks 
               it into a brown coffee mug, then spills a teaspoon full of sugar into 
               it. The TELEPHONE RINGS.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         RANDAL! CAN YOU GET THAT?

                                     RANDAL (O.S.)
                         Get it yourself, you lazy bastard!

               Harry turns around and picks the wallphone up off of the kitchen wall.

                                     HARRY
                         Hello?

                                     ELVIS PRESLEY (O.S.)
                         Hello! This is the king, Elvis Presley!  If 
                         you dial the number 01953600668 in the next 
                         ten minutes you stand the chance of winning 
                         up to a million pounds in sterling. Calls 
                         cost five pound fifty per minute.
                              (Harry's eyebrows raise 
                              in horror)
                         Also up for grabs are two holidays to 
                         Graceland, the home of the king...

               Harry slams the phone down.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         7.


                                     HARRY                                      *
                              (To Camera)                                       *
                         Now that is the second bloody caller we've 
                         had! Why can't they just target their calls 
                         at gullible OAPS or something.

               Randal enters the room looking flustered.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         What's wrong with you?

                                     RANDAL
                         Harry, I think I just had a brush with 
                         death...

                                     HARRY
                         You were jacking off that hard, were you?

                                     RANDAL
                         No seriously. I was washing my hair when I 
                         looked up into the mirror and thought I saw 
                         the grim reaper behind me...

                                     HARRY
                         You probably imagined you saw your mother or 
                         something...

                                     RANDAL
                         Very funny...the...then this full can of 
                         coke dropped off the top of the medicine 
                         cabinet and came within inches of hitting my 
                         head...

                                     HARRY
                         Good for you.

                                     RANDAL
                         I'M BEING SERIOUS. I think the grim reaper's 
                         targeting me or something...like "Final 
                         Destination" or somethin.

                                     HARRY
                         Well, that's just sexcellent, but I have 
                         other things to worry about.
                              (To Camera)
                         Sexcellent! What a word! I'll use that next 
                         time I...

                                     RANDAL
                         Harry! I think I should go and get myself 
                         blessed or something...

                                     HARRY
                         Go and see the vicar then. The church is 
                         only a few blocks away.

                                     RANDAL
                         Okay...I'll have my breakfast when I get 
                         back.

               Randal grabs his mug of coffee and leaves. A few seconds later and we 
               hear the front door slamming shut.

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)
                         What an eccentric.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         8.


                                     SCORCH
                              (Entering)
                         He's speaking the truth y'know, I saw it 
                         too...

                                     HARRY
                         Yes, but I'm not gonna start taking witness 
                         statements from a talking dog, thank you. Go 
                         sit on that recliner of yours or something.  
                         But just remember that dogs shouldn't be 
                         allowed on chairs.
                              (Pause)
                         I think there should be a law about that. 
                         Especially smelly bastards like yourself. 

                                     SCORCH
                         Oh, Harry, you can be so complementary at 
                         times.

                                     HARRY
                         And I feel pretty sure there's a law about 
                         sarcastic talking dogs...

                                     SCORCH
                         Enough with the talking dog stuff! I'm a dog 
                         and I talk that's that. No need to keep 
                         mentioning it.

               Scorch leaves.

                                     HARRY
                         God! Why'd you let him talk?

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         I work in mysterious ways, Harry.

               Harry rolls his eyes up to the Heavens. The doorbell rings.

                                     HARRY
                         Randal, can you get tha...
                              (Pause)
                         Bloody hell.

               Harry leaves.

               INT. THE FLAT -- CONTINUOUS
               (Harry, Clint, Scorch, Elvis Presley, Randal, God, Mr. Patel)

               Harry goes to the front door and unlocks it, before he opens it he casts 
               a reassuring glance at a baseball bat, which is propped up against the 
               wall next to the door.

               After a pause he opens the door. CLINT SUMMERS is standing there. He's 
               bumbling somewhere through his teens. A short, well-built boy who is 
               losing the last few ounces of puppy fat. He has slight achne and short 
               brown hair.

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)
                         Clint Summers, the younger brother of Arturo - 
                         one of my best friends. Those two live above 
                         me. His parents are both in gaol, so he lives 
                         with his older brother - don't ask me why.
                              (To Clint)
                         Hi.

               Clint grins.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                         9.


                                     CLINT
                         Awight, Harry?

                                     HARRY
                              (Raises his eyebrows and 
                              sighs)
                         Just fine.

               Clint enters and plonks down on the recliner. Harry lets out an evil 
               snigger.

                                     CLINT
                         This chairs a bit wet, ain't it, Harry?

                                     HARRY
                         It is. You might wanna sit on the sofa.

               Clint jumps off and sits on the sofa, Scorch pounces onto the recliner.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         So, what's wrong?

                                     CLINT
                         Girl trouble. I thought I could come to you 
                         for help.

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)
                         You see I'm an agony uncle for five different 
                         newspapers and magazines so the general public 
                         seem to just wander in and dump their problems 
                         on me.

               A pause.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         So, what's her name and what's wrong with 
                         her?

                                     CLINT
                         Candice.

                                     HARRY
                         Candice. Sounds like a slut.

                                     CLINT
                         No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...not at all! 
                         She's the most beautiful girl ever...she's 
                         like a flower...

                                     HARRY
                         Like a flower! That's not a comment I'd expect 
                         from a teenager...

                                     CLINT
                         Yeah, well, I couldn't think of anything 
                         else.

                                     HARRY
                         So what's stopping you from getting her or 
                         are you just intent on stroking the salami 
                         over her?

                                     CLINT
                         Well, she's bisexual and really confused.

                                     HARRY
                         At fifteen! Okay...well, the word: Threesome 
                         comes to mind.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        10.


                                     CLINT
                         Well, she lives in one of the flats opposite 
                         us and we're really good friends...

                                     HARRY
                         Does she know that you like her?

                                     CLINT
                         No. She's just using me as a shoulder to cry 
                         on, when one of her boyfriends or girlfriends 
                         dumps her!

                                     HARRY
                         Oh, Clint, you've fell into that trap have 
                         you?

                                     CLINT
                         Whaddya mean, that trap?

               Harry sits down on an army camouflaged armchair.

                                     HARRY
                         Well...you see, once you become this shoulder-
                         to-cry on she'll never see you as anything 
                         else, unless you suddenly become good-
                         looking...
                              (Eyes Clint)
                         ...Which I don't think is gonna happen...then 
                         that's all she'll ever see you as.

                                     CLINT
                         So what's your advice? I mean...t...that's 
                         just what Arturo said. I thought you were 
                         supposed to give advice for a living...surely 
                         you know what to do.

                                     HARRY
                         Find another bird. I mean c'mon, we live in 
                         Norwich the place is full of them. There's a 
                         redlight district just down the road, I could 
                         take you down there if you want...

                                     CLINT
                         Erm...no...

                                     HARRY
                         Hell, Clint, I don't know what to say. Are 
                         you touchy-feely friends with this girl?

                                     CLINT
                         Well, if I'm really down she'll give me a 
                         hand-job.

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)
                         Now that's my kinda friend.
                              (To Clint)
                         Sounds a bit of a slut.

                                     CLINT
                         That's what you said a minute ago, but she 
                         isn't. She's a really nice person.

                                     HARRY
                         Well, if you don't know what to do then just 
                         tell her how you'll feel.

                                     CLINT
                         But she might not like me the same if I do...

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        11.


                                     HARRY
                         That might be for the best. Cos, then you'll 
                         have to go for another girlo.

               Clint considers this.

                                     CLINT
                         Okay. Well I gotta go, school starts in twenty 
                         minutes.

               Clint gets up to go.

                                     HARRY
                         Oh, Clint!

                                     CLINT
                         What?

                                     HARRY
                         You can keep that copy of "Penthouse" that 
                         you snatched from me the other day.

               Clint gives him a wry grin. He unlocks the door and lets himself out. 
               Harry locks the door after him. Scorch settles down on the chair.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         Don't get too comfortable.

               The telephone in the lounge rings. Harry grabs it off of the coffee table 
               it was using as a seat.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         Hello?

                                     ELVIS PRESLEY (V.O.)
                         Hello! This is the king, Elvis Presley! If 
                         you dial the number 01953600668 in the next 
                         ten minutes you stand the chance of winning 
                         a...

               Harry hangs up.

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)
                         Bloody people. Don't they ever get tired of 
                         annoying me?

               LOUD BANGING AT THE DOOR. Harry WHIRLS to face it.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         What now? 

               MORE BANGING.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         I'm coming!

               Harry unlocks the door and Randal comes flying in. Harry closes and locks 
               the door after him, then fixes him with a dark look.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         What's the meaning of this?

                                     RANDAL
                         It's death! I saw him again! He was chasing 
                         me through the streets and I ran right in 
                         front of this Taxi, the driver only just 
                         managed to stop.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        12.


                                     HARRY
                         Maybe you're like a cat, with nine lives and 
                         the Reaper wants to...

                                     SCORCH
                         Someone mention cat?

                                     HARRY
                         Keep out of it, dog. So did you make it to 
                         the church?

                                     RANDAL
                         No, I just got down Brooks Avenue and this 
                         horrible manifestation came after me...

                                     HARRY
                         You're sure it wasn't your mother?

                                     RANDAL
                         Leave mum out of this, Harry. I'm genuinely 
                         scared.

                                     HARRY
                         Look we both went to bed late last night, so 
                         maybe it was...

                                     RANDAL
                         "My mind playing tricks on me?"...hell you're 
                         clichéd, Harry.

                                     HARRY
                         I was gonna say maybe it was the out of date 
                         Martini you drank, or the rotten banana you 
                         ate...

                                     RANDAL
                         Goddammit, Harry, can't you be serious for 
                         once?

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         Don't take my name in vain.

                                     HARRY
                         God?

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         Yes?

                                     HARRY
                         Is the grim reaper after Randal?

                                     GOD (V.O.)
                         Um...I'm not sure...he goes after about a 
                         thousand people a day so I tend to loose 
                         count. Although I do remember him talking 
                         about two Randals and a Randy...does that 
                         help?

                                     RANDAL
                         See! I bet I was one of those Randals!
                              (Pause)
                         I'm doomed, Harry.

                                     HARRY
                         No, you're just tired. How about you get 
                         some sleep?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        13.


                                     RANDAL
                         But what if the bed swallows me up or 
                         something?

                                     HARRY
                         I thought it was Death that was after you, 
                         not Freddy Bloody Krueger.

                                     RANDAL
                         Hmm...well...maybe a few hours of shut eye 
                         will help.

               Randal enters the bedroom.

                                     HARRY
                         But if you bloody snore then you will be 
                         meeting Death.

               The doorbell rings.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         Here we go again.

               Harry heads over to the door and opens it. His neighbour, MR. PATEL, a 
               tall, plump Arabian man in his fifties stands there. Patel has short jet 
               black hair and a moustache.

                                     MR. PATEL
                              (Heavily Accented)
                         Hello, Harrold!

                                     HARRY
                         My name is Harry.
                              (To Camera)
                         Mr. Patel, the definition of an annoying 
                         neighbour. He tends to think that the meaning 
                         of agony uncle is handyman.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Sorry, I always get confused with you and 
                         the Harrold off neighbours.

                                     HARRY
                              (Sarcastic)
                         Yes, we're so alike.

                                     RANDAL (O.S.)
                         Harry, d'you think the bedbugs will get me?

                                     HARRY
                         Go to sleep.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Sleep! But I have only just woken up!

                                     HARRY
                         Not you. What's wrong, anyway?

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Yes, Mr. Harry, I have just done the most 
                         cracking shit in toilet...I was wondering if 
                         you could maybe get it out? It blocking up 
                         toilet you see.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        14.


                                     HARRY
                              (Grimaces)
                         I review movies and video games and solve 
                         people's problems. 
                              (With restrained anger)
                         I do not clean toilets.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         I have plunger.

                                     HARRY
                         Why don't you do it yourself?

                                     MR. PATEL
                         I have sore hand.

                                     HARRY
                         Use the other hand.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Other hand is sore too.

                                     HARRY
                         Why can't you just call a plumber if it's 
                         that much of a big deal?

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Can I use your phone?

                                     HARRY
                         Why can't you use your own?

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Because...because...because my hamster chewed 
                         through wire last night. Phone does not work 
                         now.

               Harry groans, he motions to the telephone.

                                     HARRY
                         Be quick.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         I not know plumber's number.

                                     HARRY
                         The phone book is right next to the phone.

               Harry points to it. Mr. Patel just stands there.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         Well what are you waiting for?

                                     MR. PATEL
                         I cannot dial number. My hands are sore. Can 
                         you do it?

               Harry rolls his eyes.

                                     HARRY
                              (Muttering)
                         ...Like having a bloody toddler about the 
                         place...

               Harry grabs the phone book and flicks through until he reaches the 
               PLUMBERS SECTION.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        15.


               ANGLE ON

               An advert for a Plumber's in Norwich, a cartoon of a clumsy and obese 
               plumber illustrates the advert. O.S we can hear Harry dialing the number.

                                     HARRY (O.S.) (CONT'D)
                         Hello?
                              (Pause)
                         Yes.
                              (Pause)
                         I'd like to order a plumber.
                              (Pause)
                         Not order!  I mean, I'd like to have a plumber 
                         come over.
                              (Pause)
                         Well, my toilet is being blocked by rather 
                         large...um..log...
                              (Pause)
                         Yes.
                              (Pause)
                         Number ei...

                                     MR. PATEL (O.S.)
                         My flat is number Nine.

                                     HARRY (O.S.)
                         Number nine in the Warner Flats on Carrow 
                         Road.
                              (Pause)
                         Okay.
                              (Pause)
                         Right.
                              (Long Pause)
                         Oh and do me a favour, don't send the idiot 
                         off the advert.

               BACK TO SCENE

               As Harry hangs up.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         There! Are you happy, now?

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Very, Mr. Harry. But why don't you want idiot 
                         off of advert to come down?

                                     HARRY
                         Because he looks like a fat dickwad.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         But I too am fat dickwad...

                                     HARRY
                         Yes, but I can just about live with you. 
                         Give me another one about the place and I 
                         just don't think I could cope.

               A long pause.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                         Well, what're you waiting for? Go! Vamoose! 
                         Be gone!

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Mr. Harry!

                                     HARRY
                         What?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        16.


                                     MR. PATEL
                         I need you to come and help me with Plumber.

                                     HARRY
                         Help you! What're you gonna do? Eat him?

                                     MR. PATEL
                         No. I am old man. Plumber may try to take 
                         advantage of me. I need strong person like 
                         yourself to help me.

                                     HARRY
                         Fine...I suppose my article on "Ocean's 
                         Twelve" can wait.

                                                                     FADE TO:

               INT. MR. PATEL'S FLAT -- LATER
               (Harry, Mr. Patel, Enrico)

               Patel's flat is slightly bigger than Harry's and a lot neater. Mr. Patel 
               sits on the sofa reading the newspaper, while Harry walks round, covering 
               his nose because of the GHASTLY smell.

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)
                         Welcome to Mr. Patel's flat. Not a bad place 
                         really, but the smell is a bit too 
                         overpowering for me to say much else...

               A knock on the door.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         That will be plumber.

               Harry opens the door and ENRICO the plumber enters. He's a short, round 
               Italian man with bushy black hair and a small moustache. He wears blue 
               overalls with a nametag on. He has brought an aqua coloured backpack and 
               a blue toolbox with him.

               Enrico gives them both a broad smile.

                                     ENRICO
                              (Broken English)
                         Are you two gay?

               Harry smiles.

                                     HARRY
                         No.

                                     ENRICO
                         Anyway, my name iz Enrico! I'll be your 
                         plumber for thiz evening.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         It is afternoon. Only three twenty-two.

                                     ENRICO
                         So where's this blocked toilet?

                                     HARRY
                         Err...just follow the smell.

               Enrico nods.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Would you like drink?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        17.


                                     ENRICO
                         Hot chocolate. With four sugars, milk and 
                         marshmallows.
                              (Pause)
                         Oh and those little floaty white things.

                                     HARRY
                         Those are marshmallows.

               Enrico grabs a Rolex off of a windowsill and slips it into his pocket. 
               Both Patel and Harry notice, but Enrico just acts like nothing has 
               happened.

                                     ENRICO
                         Right, well, I'll juzt get to work then.

               Enrico grabs Mr. Patel's wallet and slips it into his back pocket. With 
               another broad grin he slips on a gasmask and enters the toilet.

                                     HARRY
                         Err, Mr. Plumber?

                                     ENRICO (O.S.)
                         Yes?

                                     HARRY
                         Could you like, give Mr. Patel his things 
                         back?

               Enrico groans and a few seconds later Mr. Patel's wallet and Rolex are 
               thrown back into the room.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         There are some strange people about aren't 
                         there, Mistah Harry?

                                     HARRY
                              (Muttering)
                         You're one to talk.
                              (To Patel)
                         Yep, there certainly are.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Would you like a drink, Mr. Harry?

                                     HARRY
                         A coffee would be nice.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Okay.

               A long pause. Mr. Patel moves to the sports pages.

                                     HARRY
                         Err...aren't you going to make the drinks?

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Me! Oh, no, Mistah Harry. You make drinks, 
                         my hands are sore.

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)
                         Boneidle bastard, isn't he? 

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Chocolate digestives are in packet on the 
                         side, Mistah Harry.

               Enrico enters holding a CHAINSAW.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        18.


                                     MR. PATEL (CONT'D)
                              (Jumping in fright)
                         What on Earth?!?

                                     ENRICO
                              (Still wearing gasmask)
                         Well, I got newz for ya, Mr. Patel...I am 
                         afraid that the blockage is very bad. I muzt 
                         make two zuggeztions.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Which are?

                                     ENRICO
                         Well I think that we're gonna have to have a 
                         brand new toilet and that you zhould cut 
                         down the zpicy food.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         But that does not explain why you have a 
                         chainsaw in your hands.

                                     ENRICO
                         I'm gonna chop the toilet in half.

               Harry enters.

                                     HARRY
                         Bloody hell! I knew the Italians liked their 
                         gore, but dressing up as Leatherface is a 
                         step too far...

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Mr. Harry he's going to chop the toilet in 
                         half and buy another one...

               Harry shakes his head.

                                     HARRY
                         Okay, this is just getting stupid...I'm gonna 
                         go home now.

               Harry turns to the door.

                                     MR. PATEL
                         Please, Mistah Harry, don't! He may rip me 
                         off!

                                     HARRY
                         Yeah and he looks as if he'll rip you in 
                         half too.
                              (To Camera)
                         With any luck.
                              (To the others)
                         Anyway, I'm washing my hands of this whole 
                         stupid affair.

               Harry unlocks the door and leaves.

               INT. CORRIDOR -- CONTINUOUS
               (Harry, Arturo, Kurt)

               Harry enters the flat corridor. 

                                     HARRY
                         My life is weird.

               Randal is walking down the corridor.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        19.


                                     RANDAL
                         Hey, Harry!

                                     HARRY
                         Randal, did you get a good sleep?

                                     RANDAL
                         Yeah. I think it must have been the Martini. 
                         I chucked the bloody bottle out the window 
                         and since then things have been fine.

                                     HARRY
                         Good.

                                     RANDAL
                         Later.

               Randal walks off to the stairwell. 

               A door to Harry's right opens and ARTURO steps out. He is Clint's brother. 
               He's about twenty-one, tall, well-built, short dusty blonde hair.

                                     ARTURO
                         Harry!

                                     HARRY
                              (To Camera)
                         Finally, a sane person. That's Arturo, Clint's 
                         brother and one of my best friends.

               KURT comes out after Arturo. He's twenty-two, he's very tall with long 
               black hair and a small, circular beard.

                                     HARRY (CONT'D)
                              (To Camera)
                         And Kurt, a fugitive running away from a 
                         crime he didn't commit.
                              (Pause)
                         Well that's how he sees it anyway. Once he 
                         was wrongly accused of stealing a packet of 
                         condoms in a chemists, he tore out of the 
                         building and ran away as fast as he could 
                         and to this day, ten years later, he still 
                         thinks the cops are after him. Not a sane 
                         person, but a very nervous person.

                                     KURT
                              (Stutter)
                         H-H-Harry, man! Who was that fa-fa-fat guy 
                         in the overalls? Think it was a cop...

                                     HARRY
                         No, it was a plumber.

                                     KURT
                         Yeah, but...

                                     ARTURO
                         Oh knock it off, Kurt, that's all he's been 
                         on about all morning.  Where are you now off 
                         to, Harry?

                                     HARRY
                         Anywhere but here.

                                     ARTURO
                         Oh.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        20.


                                     HARRY
                         Where were you going?

                                     ARTURO
                         To Starbuck's. Gonna meet Sarah.

                                     HARRY
                         You still chasing her?

                                     ARTURO
                         Yep.

                                     KURT
                         He j-just doesn't get it that she w-w-won't 
                         date him.

                                     ARTURO
                         She might.

                                     HARRY
                         She won't. She's got a boyfriend.

                                     ARTURO
                         Hell, she's got big tits - she can have two.

                                                                      CUT TO:

               INT. STARBUCK'S -- DAY
               (Arturo, Harry, Kurt, Sarah, The Policeman)

               Harry, Kurt and Arturo sit at an upstairs table drinking various coffee-
               type drinks.

                                     ARTURO
                         Where is she? Think she's not working today?

                                     KURT
                         M-m-maybe she went to the police cos s-s-she 
                         recognized me, maybe they've made few wan-
                         wan-wanted posters of me now.

                                     HARRY
                         Then how come we haven't seen one yet?

                                     KURT
                         B-b-because we don't go near any police 
                         stations.

               SARAH enters holding a tray to collect any empty mugs. She's twenty-three, 
               tall, blonde, curvaceous, very attractive, she's had romantic connections 
               with all three of these men but Arturo is the only one who still lusts 
               after her.

               Sarah sees them.

                                     ARTURO
                         Oh...look, there she is.

                                     HARRY
                         Hi, Sarah.

                                     SARAH
                         Hiya, Harry, you okay?

                                     HARRY
                         Fine. I can tell by the firmness of your 
                         tits that you're okay.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        21.


                                     SARAH
                              (Doesn't miss a beat)
                         That's just what you do to me, Harry.

                                     KURT
                         H-h-hi, Sarah.

                                     SARAH
                         Hey, Kurt, cops caught up with you yet?

                                     KURT
                              (Tenses)
                         Ssh! Y-you don't know who might be bl-b-bloody 
                         listening.

                                     SARAH
                         Anyway, I gotta go - quite busy today. But 
                         I'll come up and see you later.

               Sarah leaves.

                                     HARRY
                         Arturo, what were you waiting for? You had a 
                         perfect chance to speak to her...

                                     ARTURO
                         I didn't know what to say.

                                     HARRY
                         Oh for goodness' sake, she's one of our best 
                         friends. Most of the time you don't bloody 
                         shut up, then when you get the chance you 
                         don't say anything.

                                     ARTURO
                         I'm a bit of a dick, aren't I?

                                     HARRY
                              (Sarcastic)
                         You coulda fooled me.

                                     ARTURO
                         What should I say then?

               Kurt has a tendency to ramble when he isn't involved in a conversation, 
               this greatly annoys Arturo. 

                                     KURT
                         If the p-p-police arrested a mime, d'you 
                         think they'd give him the ri-ri-ri-right to 
                         remain silent...

                                     HARRY
                         Um...ask her out for a meal or something.

                                     KURT
                         ...Or d'you think they'd just s-shoot him?

                                     ARTURO
                         A meal? But where?

                                     KURT
                         I suppose if they were Am-Am-American they w-
                         w-would.

                                     HARRY
                         Um...there's a nice Chinese place up on Prince 
                         of Wales road.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        22.


                                     KURT
                         American Cops love shooting people.

                                     ARTURO
                         Or KFC, the KFC up there's pretty good.

                                     KURT
                         Well Dirty Ha-Ha-Harry does anyway. And he's 
                         been an idol of mine for like a-a-ages.

                                     HARRY
                         No, no, no, it's gotta be somewhere nice. 
                         Somewhere upmarket.

                                     KURT
                         D'you think it's an Egyptian mummy that roams 
                         around the B-B-Bermuda triangle?

                                     ARTURO
                         Um...um...like Fatso's?

                                     KURT
                         I s-s-suppose if you ta-taught the mummy to 
                         swim it would be okay. But that brings me 
                         the question, d-d-did Egyptians actually 
                         know how to swim?

                                     HARRY
                         Yeah, Fatso's. Or maybe Pizza Hut, when I 
                         went out with Tina I always took her to Pizza 
                         Hut.

                                     KURT
                         I d-d-don't suppose there were many ri-r-
                         rivers in Egypt, as it's a desert country.

                                     ARTURO
                         KURT! SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP! I SWEAR YOU 
                         DO MY BLOODY HEAD IN!

               Arturo throws a balled up napkin at Kurt, it hits him on the head and 
               bounces off.  

                                     KURT
                         S-s-s-sorry.

                                     ARTURO
                         And stop the bloody stutter.

                                     KURT
                         It's n-not my fault, I'm a nervous person.

                                     HARRY
                         Look, Arturo, here comes Sarah - now's your 
                         chance.

                                     ARTURO
                         So what should I invite her to? Pizza Hut or 
                         Fatso's.

                                     HARRY
                         Pizza Hut.

               Sarah comes up to the table.

                                     SARAH
                         Hey, you finished with those mugs?

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        23.


                                     HARRY
                         Yeah.

               Sarah begins taking the mugs.

                                     SARAH
                         You finished, Kurt? 

                                     KURT
                         Err...err...I'm not. St-still got a little 
                         left.

                                     SARAH
                         Okay. You finished, Arturo?

                                     ARTURO
                         Yep.
                              (Pause)
                         Sarah?

                                     SARAH
                         What?

                                     ARTURO
                         Would you maybe fancy going for a meal with 
                         me tonight? If you're not doing anything 
                         that is? 

               A long pause.

                                     SARAH
                         Erm...yeah, sure.  I'm not doing anything 
                         tonight.
                              (Pause)
                         Yeah that would be great.

               Sarah gives him a smile that lights up the whole room. Arturo grins.

                                     SARAH (CONT'D)
                         Say, I'm now leaving for my lunchbreak fancy 
                         getting something to eat with me up at "Burger 
                         King" or are ya busy?

                                     ARTURO
                         Yeah. I worked the morning shift so I got 
                         the rest of the day free.

               Sarah and Arturo leave. Harry turns to Kurt.

                                     HARRY
                         Lucky bastard. What a pair of babylons.

                                     KURT
                         T-t-tell me about it.

               Kurt finishes his drink.

                                     HARRY
                              (After a thoughtful pause)
                         Anyway, I'm just gonna take a slash. Want 
                         another drink?
                              (To Camera)
                         Seems like everyone gets a girl apart from 
                         me! 

                                     KURT
                         Yeah. A Caramel Lattè for me.

                                                       (CONTINUED)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                                                        24.


               Harry walks towards the toilets. Kurt yawns and leans back on his chair. 
               A UNIFORMED POLICEMAN enters holding a mug of mocha. Kurt opens his eyes 
               after yawning and spots the policeman. He stiffens and gasps.

               The Policeman walks to the condiments bar, takes a few napkins then walks 
               to an empty booth.

               Kurt squirms in his chair, almost pissing himself. The Policeman spins 
               on the balls of his feet and closes in on Kurt, Kurt's eyes open in fear. 
               The Cop lies a hand on his shoulder.

               ANGLE ON

               Kurt's eyes opening in horror.

                                                                    FADE OUT:

                                     THE POLICEMAN (V.O.)
                         Say, have you finished with that Chocolate 
                         Shaker, sir?

                

                                     THE END 



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