This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
"A DAY IN MY LIFE"
SEASON ONE
EPISODE ONE
"And We Start As We Intend To Begin"
21:46, 18/02/05 - 13:32 20/02/05
----------------------------------------------------------------------
And we start as we intend to begin: In today's episode Harry battles
with a chainsaw-wielding plumber and God. While Randal becomes convinced
that the grim reaper is after him. Clint and Arturo both have girl
problems and Kurt gets the fright of his life.
FADE IN:
CREDIT SEQUENCE
Greenday's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" plays as we focus on a desktop
globe. The first few credits appear. A GODLIKE hand moves into frame and
begins to spin the globe around and around, a few more credits appear.
Once they disappear we stop and the hand points to the island of Great
Britain. GOD'S VOICE BEGINS TO NARRATE.
GOD (V.O.)
(Narrating)
Hello, I'm God and I'm here to narrate today's
story. Now, I'd like to welcome you to the
small island of England. One of the most
interesting places in the known world...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. LONDON -- DAY
(God)
A few more credits appear as we begin to pan through the streets of
London, the song finishes and "The Streets of London" by Ralph McTell
begins to play.
GOD (V.O.)
London, the capital city of England.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. NORWICH -- DAY
(God, Harry, Camerman, Director)
Now we're in the much smaller city of Norwich, the song still plays as
the last few credits make an appearance.
GOD (V.O.)
Norwich, not the capital city of England. A
nice, quiet little city where our story
unfolds.
We PAN THROUGH the streets until we see HARRY DECKARD walk out of a
"Starbuck's" cafè and into the busy main streets. He holds a HMV bag and
a Clinton's Card bag. He's somewhere between twenty and twenty-six. Tall.
Shaggy brown hair. Fairly good looking. Slim/athletic build.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2.
GOD (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Mr. Harry Deckard, one of my
more...um...eccentric creations.
Harry looks at the camera as he walks.
HARRY
(To Camera)
Is it on?
CAMERMAN (O.S.)
Uh-huh, ready when you are Mr. Deckard...
HARRY
(To Camera)
Ok! Hi, guys, I'm Har...
GOD (V.O.)
Hey! Hey! Hey! I thought I was supposed to
be narrating!
Harry shakes his head.
HARRY
Ah-ah, it's my show now.
GOD (V.O.)
No. Honestly, I think I was supposed to be
Narrating.
HARRY
Yeah, but I want to. It's my show.
GOD (V.O.)
I'm the one who created you, ungrateful
submission.
HARRY
Listen, God, as much as I love you and respect
you as my God, I'd like to Narrate.
GOD (V.O.)
Are you talking back to me?
HARRY
No. I'm just asking you if I can narrate.
GOD (V.O.)
Director!
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
What?
GOD (V.O.)
Am I supposed to be narrating, or is he?
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Um...don't get me involved in this...
HARRY
See? That was definitely a; "Harry should be
Narrating".
GOD (V.O.)
No it wasn't.
HARRY
YES IT BLOODY WAS!
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.
GOD (V.O.)
NO IT WASN'T!
HARRY
YES IT WAS!
GOD (V.O.)
Don't make me lose my temper with you...
HARRY
OH! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? STRIKE ME DOWN?
BAM! A lightning bolt hits Harry, turning him into a small puddle of
flesh-coloured goo. A few shoppers turn around to look.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
GOD!
GOD (V.O.)
Sorry.
ANGLE ON
A clapper board, as it claps down.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
Take two!
BACK TO SCENE
Harry is walking back down the street.
HARRY
(To Camera)
And as I was saying, before I was so rudely
interrupted...
GOD (V.O.)
I'm supposed to be narrating!
HARRY
Look, how about we take it in turns? You do
it for one episode, I do it for another? How
about that?
GOD (V.O.)
Fine.
HARRY
My turn first.
THUNDER CLAPS OVERHEAD, IT BEGINS RAINING.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Oh and he's crying now!
GOD (V.O.)
AM NOT! I JUST HAD SOMETHING IN MY EYE!
Harry shakes his head and continues walking.
HARRY
(To Camera) *
Anyway I'm Harry Deckard and welcome to the
first episode of "A day in my life".
FADE OUT:
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.
GOD (V.O.)
So was that it? Was that all you had to say?
Well, if I'd have known that in the first
place...
FADE IN:
INT. THE FLAT -- MORNING
(Harry, Randal, Scorch, God)
The flat that Harry lives in is a small, messy, four roomed affair.
There's a main living space, with a BIG SCREEN TV and sofa, a small
kitchen which is built into the lounge, two bedrooms and a small bathroom.
A massive window overlooks the pleasant Norwich landscape.
From somewhere O.S a BUZZER alarm clock goes off, the sounds of a hand
slapping it to OFF can be heard.
A moment of silence.
A crumpled form gets up from a mess of blankets on the sofa, this is
Harry's flatmate, RANDAL. Randal is about twenty-two, a tall, gangly guy
who was probably a geek at school - but looks as if he's grown out of
it. He yawns and runs a hand through his wavy jet black hair.
Harry's alsatian dog, SCORCH leaps onto a leather recliner.
RANDAL
Get off, man!
Scorch barks playfully.
SCORCH
(A gruff voice)
No, it's my chair.
RANDAL
Hey! Now why the hell do we have a talking
dog?
GOD (V.O.)
Just adding my spin on the series.
Randal grimaces.
RANDAL
Now get the hell off, go drop your fleas on
Harry's bed or something.
SCORCH
I like this chair.
(Pause)
Yeah, I like it so much that I'm gonna mark
it as my property.
It takes Randal a while to work out what's going on, but Scorch has
already cocked his leg and unleashed a deadly stream of urine onto the
recliner before he can do anything.
RANDAL
OH HELL NO! GET YOUR STUPID ARSE OFF OF IT,
DOG!
Randal kicks the dog off of the recliner, it lands in a heap, still
squirting urine around the room. Randal opens his mouth to tell it off
but ends up being smeared with a line of excrement. He spits it out in
horror.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.
SCORCH
You're lucky I don't report you to the bloody
RSPCA.
RANDAL
You've wrecked that chair, Scorch! You've
ruined it!
SCORCH
No I haven't. I'm just gonna be the only one
who dares sit on it.
RANDAL
HARRY!
HARRY (O.S.)
What?
RANDAL
Come here.
Harry enters, wearing a long Hawaiian shirt and boxers, he was just
washing when Randal called and his hair looks like some kind of exotic
bird's nest.
HARRY
What's wrong?
RANDAL
Look at what your treasured dog has done to
my recliner.
SCORCH
It's my recliner now.
HARRY
Did the dog just talk or do I need another
mug of coffee?
RANDAL
Yes, the dog can talk. God decided that he
wanted to add his own "spin to the series".
HARRY
Oh dear. So what has the dog done to the
recliner?
RANDAL
Bathed it in his own juices, that's what!
HARRY
Well clean it, Randy.
RANDAL
I don't know how to!
HARRY
Well then, wait till the freaking maid comes.
She'll deal with it.
RANDAL
But Sondra doesn't come till nine!
HARRY
Well, boo-hoo-hoo. Can't you wait an hour?
SCORCH
See, Harry's a much better person than you,
he knows how to treat a dog.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
Harry's ego grows a few more inches. Randal shakes his head and walks
into the bathroom, Harry heads into the kitchen.
INT. THE KITCHEN -- CONTINUOUS
(Harry, Randal, Elvis Presley, Scorch, God)
Harry looks into camera and cracks a "just waking up" smile.
HARRY
(To Camera)
Welcome to my flat. A beautiful place set in
a small block of flats down Carrow Road,
Norwich. That's right by the Norwich City
Football ground, for those of you who don't
know. We'll meet most of the other tenants
later.
(Pause)
So, that's my now-talking-dog Scorch and my
flatmate, Randal. He's a little bit of a
dick.
RANDAL (O.S.)
DON'T THINK I CAN'T HEAR YOU, DECKARD!
HARRY
Whaddya want to drink? Coffee or orange juice?
RANDAL (O.S.)
Coffee.
HARRY
Nescafè or Tesco's own brand.
RANDAL (O.S.)
Is there even a contest?
HARRY
Okay.
(Pause)
I'll give you the two week out of date, own
brand.
Harry begins making drinks. He takes out a sachet of mocha mix and plonks
it into a brown coffee mug, then spills a teaspoon full of sugar into
it. The TELEPHONE RINGS.
HARRY (CONT'D)
RANDAL! CAN YOU GET THAT?
RANDAL (O.S.)
Get it yourself, you lazy bastard!
Harry turns around and picks the wallphone up off of the kitchen wall.
HARRY
Hello?
ELVIS PRESLEY (O.S.)
Hello! This is the king, Elvis Presley! If
you dial the number 01953600668 in the next
ten minutes you stand the chance of winning
up to a million pounds in sterling. Calls
cost five pound fifty per minute.
(Harry's eyebrows raise
in horror)
Also up for grabs are two holidays to
Graceland, the home of the king...
Harry slams the phone down.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
HARRY *
(To Camera) *
Now that is the second bloody caller we've
had! Why can't they just target their calls
at gullible OAPS or something.
Randal enters the room looking flustered.
HARRY (CONT'D)
What's wrong with you?
RANDAL
Harry, I think I just had a brush with
death...
HARRY
You were jacking off that hard, were you?
RANDAL
No seriously. I was washing my hair when I
looked up into the mirror and thought I saw
the grim reaper behind me...
HARRY
You probably imagined you saw your mother or
something...
RANDAL
Very funny...the...then this full can of
coke dropped off the top of the medicine
cabinet and came within inches of hitting my
head...
HARRY
Good for you.
RANDAL
I'M BEING SERIOUS. I think the grim reaper's
targeting me or something...like "Final
Destination" or somethin.
HARRY
Well, that's just sexcellent, but I have
other things to worry about.
(To Camera)
Sexcellent! What a word! I'll use that next
time I...
RANDAL
Harry! I think I should go and get myself
blessed or something...
HARRY
Go and see the vicar then. The church is
only a few blocks away.
RANDAL
Okay...I'll have my breakfast when I get
back.
Randal grabs his mug of coffee and leaves. A few seconds later and we
hear the front door slamming shut.
HARRY
(To Camera)
What an eccentric.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8.
SCORCH
(Entering)
He's speaking the truth y'know, I saw it
too...
HARRY
Yes, but I'm not gonna start taking witness
statements from a talking dog, thank you. Go
sit on that recliner of yours or something.
But just remember that dogs shouldn't be
allowed on chairs.
(Pause)
I think there should be a law about that.
Especially smelly bastards like yourself.
SCORCH
Oh, Harry, you can be so complementary at
times.
HARRY
And I feel pretty sure there's a law about
sarcastic talking dogs...
SCORCH
Enough with the talking dog stuff! I'm a dog
and I talk that's that. No need to keep
mentioning it.
Scorch leaves.
HARRY
God! Why'd you let him talk?
GOD (V.O.)
I work in mysterious ways, Harry.
Harry rolls his eyes up to the Heavens. The doorbell rings.
HARRY
Randal, can you get tha...
(Pause)
Bloody hell.
Harry leaves.
INT. THE FLAT -- CONTINUOUS
(Harry, Clint, Scorch, Elvis Presley, Randal, God, Mr. Patel)
Harry goes to the front door and unlocks it, before he opens it he casts
a reassuring glance at a baseball bat, which is propped up against the
wall next to the door.
After a pause he opens the door. CLINT SUMMERS is standing there. He's
bumbling somewhere through his teens. A short, well-built boy who is
losing the last few ounces of puppy fat. He has slight achne and short
brown hair.
HARRY
(To Camera)
Clint Summers, the younger brother of Arturo -
one of my best friends. Those two live above
me. His parents are both in gaol, so he lives
with his older brother - don't ask me why.
(To Clint)
Hi.
Clint grins.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9.
CLINT
Awight, Harry?
HARRY
(Raises his eyebrows and
sighs)
Just fine.
Clint enters and plonks down on the recliner. Harry lets out an evil
snigger.
CLINT
This chairs a bit wet, ain't it, Harry?
HARRY
It is. You might wanna sit on the sofa.
Clint jumps off and sits on the sofa, Scorch pounces onto the recliner.
HARRY (CONT'D)
So, what's wrong?
CLINT
Girl trouble. I thought I could come to you
for help.
HARRY
(To Camera)
You see I'm an agony uncle for five different
newspapers and magazines so the general public
seem to just wander in and dump their problems
on me.
A pause.
HARRY (CONT'D)
So, what's her name and what's wrong with
her?
CLINT
Candice.
HARRY
Candice. Sounds like a slut.
CLINT
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...not at all!
She's the most beautiful girl ever...she's
like a flower...
HARRY
Like a flower! That's not a comment I'd expect
from a teenager...
CLINT
Yeah, well, I couldn't think of anything
else.
HARRY
So what's stopping you from getting her or
are you just intent on stroking the salami
over her?
CLINT
Well, she's bisexual and really confused.
HARRY
At fifteen! Okay...well, the word: Threesome
comes to mind.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10.
CLINT
Well, she lives in one of the flats opposite
us and we're really good friends...
HARRY
Does she know that you like her?
CLINT
No. She's just using me as a shoulder to cry
on, when one of her boyfriends or girlfriends
dumps her!
HARRY
Oh, Clint, you've fell into that trap have
you?
CLINT
Whaddya mean, that trap?
Harry sits down on an army camouflaged armchair.
HARRY
Well...you see, once you become this shoulder-
to-cry on she'll never see you as anything
else, unless you suddenly become good-
looking...
(Eyes Clint)
...Which I don't think is gonna happen...then
that's all she'll ever see you as.
CLINT
So what's your advice? I mean...t...that's
just what Arturo said. I thought you were
supposed to give advice for a living...surely
you know what to do.
HARRY
Find another bird. I mean c'mon, we live in
Norwich the place is full of them. There's a
redlight district just down the road, I could
take you down there if you want...
CLINT
Erm...no...
HARRY
Hell, Clint, I don't know what to say. Are
you touchy-feely friends with this girl?
CLINT
Well, if I'm really down she'll give me a
hand-job.
HARRY
(To Camera)
Now that's my kinda friend.
(To Clint)
Sounds a bit of a slut.
CLINT
That's what you said a minute ago, but she
isn't. She's a really nice person.
HARRY
Well, if you don't know what to do then just
tell her how you'll feel.
CLINT
But she might not like me the same if I do...
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11.
HARRY
That might be for the best. Cos, then you'll
have to go for another girlo.
Clint considers this.
CLINT
Okay. Well I gotta go, school starts in twenty
minutes.
Clint gets up to go.
HARRY
Oh, Clint!
CLINT
What?
HARRY
You can keep that copy of "Penthouse" that
you snatched from me the other day.
Clint gives him a wry grin. He unlocks the door and lets himself out.
Harry locks the door after him. Scorch settles down on the chair.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Don't get too comfortable.
The telephone in the lounge rings. Harry grabs it off of the coffee table
it was using as a seat.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Hello?
ELVIS PRESLEY (V.O.)
Hello! This is the king, Elvis Presley! If
you dial the number 01953600668 in the next
ten minutes you stand the chance of winning
a...
Harry hangs up.
HARRY
(To Camera)
Bloody people. Don't they ever get tired of
annoying me?
LOUD BANGING AT THE DOOR. Harry WHIRLS to face it.
HARRY (CONT'D)
What now?
MORE BANGING.
HARRY (CONT'D)
I'm coming!
Harry unlocks the door and Randal comes flying in. Harry closes and locks
the door after him, then fixes him with a dark look.
HARRY (CONT'D)
What's the meaning of this?
RANDAL
It's death! I saw him again! He was chasing
me through the streets and I ran right in
front of this Taxi, the driver only just
managed to stop.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12.
HARRY
Maybe you're like a cat, with nine lives and
the Reaper wants to...
SCORCH
Someone mention cat?
HARRY
Keep out of it, dog. So did you make it to
the church?
RANDAL
No, I just got down Brooks Avenue and this
horrible manifestation came after me...
HARRY
You're sure it wasn't your mother?
RANDAL
Leave mum out of this, Harry. I'm genuinely
scared.
HARRY
Look we both went to bed late last night, so
maybe it was...
RANDAL
"My mind playing tricks on me?"...hell you're
clichéd, Harry.
HARRY
I was gonna say maybe it was the out of date
Martini you drank, or the rotten banana you
ate...
RANDAL
Goddammit, Harry, can't you be serious for
once?
GOD (V.O.)
Don't take my name in vain.
HARRY
God?
GOD (V.O.)
Yes?
HARRY
Is the grim reaper after Randal?
GOD (V.O.)
Um...I'm not sure...he goes after about a
thousand people a day so I tend to loose
count. Although I do remember him talking
about two Randals and a Randy...does that
help?
RANDAL
See! I bet I was one of those Randals!
(Pause)
I'm doomed, Harry.
HARRY
No, you're just tired. How about you get
some sleep?
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
13.
RANDAL
But what if the bed swallows me up or
something?
HARRY
I thought it was Death that was after you,
not Freddy Bloody Krueger.
RANDAL
Hmm...well...maybe a few hours of shut eye
will help.
Randal enters the bedroom.
HARRY
But if you bloody snore then you will be
meeting Death.
The doorbell rings.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Here we go again.
Harry heads over to the door and opens it. His neighbour, MR. PATEL, a
tall, plump Arabian man in his fifties stands there. Patel has short jet
black hair and a moustache.
MR. PATEL
(Heavily Accented)
Hello, Harrold!
HARRY
My name is Harry.
(To Camera)
Mr. Patel, the definition of an annoying
neighbour. He tends to think that the meaning
of agony uncle is handyman.
MR. PATEL
Sorry, I always get confused with you and
the Harrold off neighbours.
HARRY
(Sarcastic)
Yes, we're so alike.
RANDAL (O.S.)
Harry, d'you think the bedbugs will get me?
HARRY
Go to sleep.
MR. PATEL
Sleep! But I have only just woken up!
HARRY
Not you. What's wrong, anyway?
MR. PATEL
Yes, Mr. Harry, I have just done the most
cracking shit in toilet...I was wondering if
you could maybe get it out? It blocking up
toilet you see.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
14.
HARRY
(Grimaces)
I review movies and video games and solve
people's problems.
(With restrained anger)
I do not clean toilets.
MR. PATEL
I have plunger.
HARRY
Why don't you do it yourself?
MR. PATEL
I have sore hand.
HARRY
Use the other hand.
MR. PATEL
Other hand is sore too.
HARRY
Why can't you just call a plumber if it's
that much of a big deal?
MR. PATEL
Can I use your phone?
HARRY
Why can't you use your own?
MR. PATEL
Because...because...because my hamster chewed
through wire last night. Phone does not work
now.
Harry groans, he motions to the telephone.
HARRY
Be quick.
MR. PATEL
I not know plumber's number.
HARRY
The phone book is right next to the phone.
Harry points to it. Mr. Patel just stands there.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Well what are you waiting for?
MR. PATEL
I cannot dial number. My hands are sore. Can
you do it?
Harry rolls his eyes.
HARRY
(Muttering)
...Like having a bloody toddler about the
place...
Harry grabs the phone book and flicks through until he reaches the
PLUMBERS SECTION.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15.
ANGLE ON
An advert for a Plumber's in Norwich, a cartoon of a clumsy and obese
plumber illustrates the advert. O.S we can hear Harry dialing the number.
HARRY (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Hello?
(Pause)
Yes.
(Pause)
I'd like to order a plumber.
(Pause)
Not order! I mean, I'd like to have a plumber
come over.
(Pause)
Well, my toilet is being blocked by rather
large...um..log...
(Pause)
Yes.
(Pause)
Number ei...
MR. PATEL (O.S.)
My flat is number Nine.
HARRY (O.S.)
Number nine in the Warner Flats on Carrow
Road.
(Pause)
Okay.
(Pause)
Right.
(Long Pause)
Oh and do me a favour, don't send the idiot
off the advert.
BACK TO SCENE
As Harry hangs up.
HARRY (CONT'D)
There! Are you happy, now?
MR. PATEL
Very, Mr. Harry. But why don't you want idiot
off of advert to come down?
HARRY
Because he looks like a fat dickwad.
MR. PATEL
But I too am fat dickwad...
HARRY
Yes, but I can just about live with you.
Give me another one about the place and I
just don't think I could cope.
A long pause.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Well, what're you waiting for? Go! Vamoose!
Be gone!
MR. PATEL
Mr. Harry!
HARRY
What?
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
16.
MR. PATEL
I need you to come and help me with Plumber.
HARRY
Help you! What're you gonna do? Eat him?
MR. PATEL
No. I am old man. Plumber may try to take
advantage of me. I need strong person like
yourself to help me.
HARRY
Fine...I suppose my article on "Ocean's
Twelve" can wait.
FADE TO:
INT. MR. PATEL'S FLAT -- LATER
(Harry, Mr. Patel, Enrico)
Patel's flat is slightly bigger than Harry's and a lot neater. Mr. Patel
sits on the sofa reading the newspaper, while Harry walks round, covering
his nose because of the GHASTLY smell.
HARRY
(To Camera)
Welcome to Mr. Patel's flat. Not a bad place
really, but the smell is a bit too
overpowering for me to say much else...
A knock on the door.
MR. PATEL
That will be plumber.
Harry opens the door and ENRICO the plumber enters. He's a short, round
Italian man with bushy black hair and a small moustache. He wears blue
overalls with a nametag on. He has brought an aqua coloured backpack and
a blue toolbox with him.
Enrico gives them both a broad smile.
ENRICO
(Broken English)
Are you two gay?
Harry smiles.
HARRY
No.
ENRICO
Anyway, my name iz Enrico! I'll be your
plumber for thiz evening.
MR. PATEL
It is afternoon. Only three twenty-two.
ENRICO
So where's this blocked toilet?
HARRY
Err...just follow the smell.
Enrico nods.
MR. PATEL
Would you like drink?
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17.
ENRICO
Hot chocolate. With four sugars, milk and
marshmallows.
(Pause)
Oh and those little floaty white things.
HARRY
Those are marshmallows.
Enrico grabs a Rolex off of a windowsill and slips it into his pocket.
Both Patel and Harry notice, but Enrico just acts like nothing has
happened.
ENRICO
Right, well, I'll juzt get to work then.
Enrico grabs Mr. Patel's wallet and slips it into his back pocket. With
another broad grin he slips on a gasmask and enters the toilet.
HARRY
Err, Mr. Plumber?
ENRICO (O.S.)
Yes?
HARRY
Could you like, give Mr. Patel his things
back?
Enrico groans and a few seconds later Mr. Patel's wallet and Rolex are
thrown back into the room.
MR. PATEL
There are some strange people about aren't
there, Mistah Harry?
HARRY
(Muttering)
You're one to talk.
(To Patel)
Yep, there certainly are.
MR. PATEL
Would you like a drink, Mr. Harry?
HARRY
A coffee would be nice.
MR. PATEL
Okay.
A long pause. Mr. Patel moves to the sports pages.
HARRY
Err...aren't you going to make the drinks?
MR. PATEL
Me! Oh, no, Mistah Harry. You make drinks,
my hands are sore.
HARRY
(To Camera)
Boneidle bastard, isn't he?
MR. PATEL
Chocolate digestives are in packet on the
side, Mistah Harry.
Enrico enters holding a CHAINSAW.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
18.
MR. PATEL (CONT'D)
(Jumping in fright)
What on Earth?!?
ENRICO
(Still wearing gasmask)
Well, I got newz for ya, Mr. Patel...I am
afraid that the blockage is very bad. I muzt
make two zuggeztions.
MR. PATEL
Which are?
ENRICO
Well I think that we're gonna have to have a
brand new toilet and that you zhould cut
down the zpicy food.
MR. PATEL
But that does not explain why you have a
chainsaw in your hands.
ENRICO
I'm gonna chop the toilet in half.
Harry enters.
HARRY
Bloody hell! I knew the Italians liked their
gore, but dressing up as Leatherface is a
step too far...
MR. PATEL
Mr. Harry he's going to chop the toilet in
half and buy another one...
Harry shakes his head.
HARRY
Okay, this is just getting stupid...I'm gonna
go home now.
Harry turns to the door.
MR. PATEL
Please, Mistah Harry, don't! He may rip me
off!
HARRY
Yeah and he looks as if he'll rip you in
half too.
(To Camera)
With any luck.
(To the others)
Anyway, I'm washing my hands of this whole
stupid affair.
Harry unlocks the door and leaves.
INT. CORRIDOR -- CONTINUOUS
(Harry, Arturo, Kurt)
Harry enters the flat corridor.
HARRY
My life is weird.
Randal is walking down the corridor.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
19.
RANDAL
Hey, Harry!
HARRY
Randal, did you get a good sleep?
RANDAL
Yeah. I think it must have been the Martini.
I chucked the bloody bottle out the window
and since then things have been fine.
HARRY
Good.
RANDAL
Later.
Randal walks off to the stairwell.
A door to Harry's right opens and ARTURO steps out. He is Clint's brother.
He's about twenty-one, tall, well-built, short dusty blonde hair.
ARTURO
Harry!
HARRY
(To Camera)
Finally, a sane person. That's Arturo, Clint's
brother and one of my best friends.
KURT comes out after Arturo. He's twenty-two, he's very tall with long
black hair and a small, circular beard.
HARRY (CONT'D)
(To Camera)
And Kurt, a fugitive running away from a
crime he didn't commit.
(Pause)
Well that's how he sees it anyway. Once he
was wrongly accused of stealing a packet of
condoms in a chemists, he tore out of the
building and ran away as fast as he could
and to this day, ten years later, he still
thinks the cops are after him. Not a sane
person, but a very nervous person.
KURT
(Stutter)
H-H-Harry, man! Who was that fa-fa-fat guy
in the overalls? Think it was a cop...
HARRY
No, it was a plumber.
KURT
Yeah, but...
ARTURO
Oh knock it off, Kurt, that's all he's been
on about all morning. Where are you now off
to, Harry?
HARRY
Anywhere but here.
ARTURO
Oh.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
20.
HARRY
Where were you going?
ARTURO
To Starbuck's. Gonna meet Sarah.
HARRY
You still chasing her?
ARTURO
Yep.
KURT
He j-just doesn't get it that she w-w-won't
date him.
ARTURO
She might.
HARRY
She won't. She's got a boyfriend.
ARTURO
Hell, she's got big tits - she can have two.
CUT TO:
INT. STARBUCK'S -- DAY
(Arturo, Harry, Kurt, Sarah, The Policeman)
Harry, Kurt and Arturo sit at an upstairs table drinking various coffee-
type drinks.
ARTURO
Where is she? Think she's not working today?
KURT
M-m-maybe she went to the police cos s-s-she
recognized me, maybe they've made few wan-
wan-wanted posters of me now.
HARRY
Then how come we haven't seen one yet?
KURT
B-b-because we don't go near any police
stations.
SARAH enters holding a tray to collect any empty mugs. She's twenty-three,
tall, blonde, curvaceous, very attractive, she's had romantic connections
with all three of these men but Arturo is the only one who still lusts
after her.
Sarah sees them.
ARTURO
Oh...look, there she is.
HARRY
Hi, Sarah.
SARAH
Hiya, Harry, you okay?
HARRY
Fine. I can tell by the firmness of your
tits that you're okay.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
21.
SARAH
(Doesn't miss a beat)
That's just what you do to me, Harry.
KURT
H-h-hi, Sarah.
SARAH
Hey, Kurt, cops caught up with you yet?
KURT
(Tenses)
Ssh! Y-you don't know who might be bl-b-bloody
listening.
SARAH
Anyway, I gotta go - quite busy today. But
I'll come up and see you later.
Sarah leaves.
HARRY
Arturo, what were you waiting for? You had a
perfect chance to speak to her...
ARTURO
I didn't know what to say.
HARRY
Oh for goodness' sake, she's one of our best
friends. Most of the time you don't bloody
shut up, then when you get the chance you
don't say anything.
ARTURO
I'm a bit of a dick, aren't I?
HARRY
(Sarcastic)
You coulda fooled me.
ARTURO
What should I say then?
Kurt has a tendency to ramble when he isn't involved in a conversation,
this greatly annoys Arturo.
KURT
If the p-p-police arrested a mime, d'you
think they'd give him the ri-ri-ri-right to
remain silent...
HARRY
Um...ask her out for a meal or something.
KURT
...Or d'you think they'd just s-shoot him?
ARTURO
A meal? But where?
KURT
I suppose if they were Am-Am-American they w-
w-would.
HARRY
Um...there's a nice Chinese place up on Prince
of Wales road.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
22.
KURT
American Cops love shooting people.
ARTURO
Or KFC, the KFC up there's pretty good.
KURT
Well Dirty Ha-Ha-Harry does anyway. And he's
been an idol of mine for like a-a-ages.
HARRY
No, no, no, it's gotta be somewhere nice.
Somewhere upmarket.
KURT
D'you think it's an Egyptian mummy that roams
around the B-B-Bermuda triangle?
ARTURO
Um...um...like Fatso's?
KURT
I s-s-suppose if you ta-taught the mummy to
swim it would be okay. But that brings me
the question, d-d-did Egyptians actually
know how to swim?
HARRY
Yeah, Fatso's. Or maybe Pizza Hut, when I
went out with Tina I always took her to Pizza
Hut.
KURT
I d-d-don't suppose there were many ri-r-
rivers in Egypt, as it's a desert country.
ARTURO
KURT! SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP! I SWEAR YOU
DO MY BLOODY HEAD IN!
Arturo throws a balled up napkin at Kurt, it hits him on the head and
bounces off.
KURT
S-s-s-sorry.
ARTURO
And stop the bloody stutter.
KURT
It's n-not my fault, I'm a nervous person.
HARRY
Look, Arturo, here comes Sarah - now's your
chance.
ARTURO
So what should I invite her to? Pizza Hut or
Fatso's.
HARRY
Pizza Hut.
Sarah comes up to the table.
SARAH
Hey, you finished with those mugs?
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23.
HARRY
Yeah.
Sarah begins taking the mugs.
SARAH
You finished, Kurt?
KURT
Err...err...I'm not. St-still got a little
left.
SARAH
Okay. You finished, Arturo?
ARTURO
Yep.
(Pause)
Sarah?
SARAH
What?
ARTURO
Would you maybe fancy going for a meal with
me tonight? If you're not doing anything
that is?
A long pause.
SARAH
Erm...yeah, sure. I'm not doing anything
tonight.
(Pause)
Yeah that would be great.
Sarah gives him a smile that lights up the whole room. Arturo grins.
SARAH (CONT'D)
Say, I'm now leaving for my lunchbreak fancy
getting something to eat with me up at "Burger
King" or are ya busy?
ARTURO
Yeah. I worked the morning shift so I got
the rest of the day free.
Sarah and Arturo leave. Harry turns to Kurt.
HARRY
Lucky bastard. What a pair of babylons.
KURT
T-t-tell me about it.
Kurt finishes his drink.
HARRY
(After a thoughtful pause)
Anyway, I'm just gonna take a slash. Want
another drink?
(To Camera)
Seems like everyone gets a girl apart from
me!
KURT
Yeah. A Caramel Lattè for me.
(CONTINUED)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
24.
Harry walks towards the toilets. Kurt yawns and leans back on his chair.
A UNIFORMED POLICEMAN enters holding a mug of mocha. Kurt opens his eyes
after yawning and spots the policeman. He stiffens and gasps.
The Policeman walks to the condiments bar, takes a few napkins then walks
to an empty booth.
Kurt squirms in his chair, almost pissing himself. The Policeman spins
on the balls of his feet and closes in on Kurt, Kurt's eyes open in fear.
The Cop lies a hand on his shoulder.
ANGLE ON
Kurt's eyes opening in horror.
FADE OUT:
THE POLICEMAN (V.O.)
Say, have you finished with that Chocolate
Shaker, sir?
THE END
Return to SimplyScripts.com