A DAY IN MY LIFE

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"A DAY IN MY LIFE"

The Goose.

"Cannot a plain man live and think no harm,
but that his simple truth must be abused.
By silken, sly, insinuating Jacks?"

GLOUSCESTER-Shakespeare's Richard III.

"To succed in life, one must be the jack of
all trades, but master of none".

SOMEONE.

"Never bed another man's trouble-and-strife
before you know his private life".

COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG.

FADE IN ON:

ENT.FLAT.EARLY MORNING

We are in a small-ish sort of flat. Shared by two flatmates.
There's a tiny little kitchen, a living-room and two tiny
bedroom, one is a complete and utter tip, with just enough space
for the owner's bed. Whereas the other is the opposite.

Randy KINGLEY, a skinny, spotty, twenty-something. Pulls himself
out of bed. He rubs his eyes and puts on some round metal-rimmed
glasses. His is the neat bedroom. Randy exits the room, wearing
nothing but boxers. He brings his lank, thin form round to a small
bathroom, which he disappears in for a while.

Meanwhile in the other room, something begins to stir! Lying on a
mess of crumpled covers and cuddley toys the "owner" begins to
stir. His leg swings around and knocks a Playboy pull-out off the
roof, the owner of the room and foot subsequently gets a pin in his
foot.

As Randy comes out of the bathroom, face washed, arm-pits washed
and fresh-splodges of zit-cream on spots, he is suddenly knocked
into by a mad being. HARRY DECKARD, his small, brown-haired flat-
mate.

Randy
Harry! Cool it, it's just a
dream.

HARRY
Do you call a pin through my
freakin' foot a dream?!?

Randy goes silent.

HARRY
Exactly.

Harry yanks it out of his foot, snorts at Randy, and disappears
into the bathroom. Randy puts the kettle on, and searches the
cupboards for bread. Harry comes out from the bathroom, clean-
shaven and washed.

Randy
Harry, where the hell's the
bloody bread, have you lost
it again?

HARRY
How am I meant to know? You're
the one who always tidies every
thing.

Randy
Do you seriously want me to come round their and shove this toaster
down your freakin' mouth? (SILENCE)
Well find the bread then.

HARRY
Calm, think of the clouds, Randy,
calm.

The phone RINGS.

HARRY
I'LL GET IT!!!!!

Harry jogs across the room, trips on the sofa, and grabs
the portable from its charger.

HARRY
Hello? Yeh...yeh...
(To Randy)
Randy, it's (Mimicking)
Mummy on the phone, I think she
wants to see if her sweet little
bunny-kins is okay in the big wide
world.

Randy snatches the phone off him, and turns O.S to
speak to his mother. As Harry turns to fend for food in
the scrappy little kitchen, the doorbell rings. Harry swings
towards it.

HARRY
I'll get it, little Darry-kins.

Harry presses a button on the door.

HARRY
Who's there?

A loud Arabian voice comes down the speaker.

ARABIAN MAN
Hello, Harry, it iz Mister
Patel forra' you. I wondered
if you woulda' help me in my
ever-long quest for the meaning
of...?

HARRY
Drop the act, Patel, what d'you
want?

PATEL
Harry, my good friend. I need you to
help. My microwav'a has blown up and
I need you to go get the apple pie from
the remains of the Microwav'a.

HARRY
(Muttering)
...for fuck's sake...what does he think
I am?...flaming child-minder...blasted
knob-end...I'M COMIN'.

ENT.HALLWAY.MORNING

In the apartment block's corridor of this floor, stands a small
overweight moustached Asian man. Harry comes out, only wearing
a pair of Levi's. A SEXY GIRL, down the corridor wolf-whistles.

HARRY
(Rapping)
My head's spinnin', last night
I saw you hangin' out 'cha linen,
y' had y' CD on, I saw you in nuthin'
but a thong, you called to me, and
said who am I? Just a motherfucken'
V.I.P, yeh, my head's fulla contrevoursey,
sex, sex, sex, baby gimme time to flex.
And ya ain't gonna need ta' change you flamin'
specs, cos I'd sweep ya off ya feet, hey you listen
to ma' beat, see my cause, look at mah flaws, I'm
just me, you, just you. Let me bang the ass outa you. (Talking)
You want the rest of me? Ring the doorbell,
half nine tonight.

The girl blushes and stammers off into her flat. Mr.Patel grabs
Harry's arm.

MR.PATEL
It is in here, quick Mr. Harry.

HARRY
Yes, I know where it is, calm down.

ENT. MR.PATEL'S FLAT. MORNING

Patel and Harry enter the smaller, but posher apartment.
When they reach the kitchen area, Harry's eyes open in
surprise. The mess of a microwave lies on the floor, burning.
Flames are flicking around like wildfire.

Harry grabs a fire-extingusher off the wall and sprays the
foamy shit all over the burning mess, soon it is evaporated.

HARRY
Sorry, Patty boy, there won't
be much pie left. Just, call
999, next time and don't FLAP AROUND!

ENT. STREET BEHIND FLAT BLOCK. MORNING

Harry comes out of the flat blocks, holding a manilla
wallet. He reaches the pavement, and comes across to a
taxi.

HARRY
How much for a trip to Regent street?

CABBIE
Geez, ur, in the meter it would be
about five quid ish.

HARRY
Hey! Man! You need to check your
meter! Then! Because unless that
price is milimetres, then you can
shove that fucking meter up your
ass.

CABBIE
Hell, man. You'd better watch it,
this is London, not bloomin' hell's
kitchen.

HARRY
Look, I suggest you cool down and check
your temperature. Because if you wanna
run a cab service, you get your fuckin'
price down.

CABBIE
Listen smartass! A lot bigger people'n you
'ave picked on me. 'N' they ain't gotten
past the man they call J.T "he's tougher
than me" Carlton.

HARRY
For the love of...! Oh just shut up. Now
I'm gonna give you a two pound coin and that
will cover my trip.

CABBIE
Oh shut up. Unless you wanna get your ass
kicked, 'cos if you do...well then J.T
"he's..."

HARRY
"...Tougher than me" Carlson. Yes I know,
I know. Tell you what, I'll walk.

CARLSON
Yeh, an' next time you pick on J.T Carlson,
well yo' ass is in for a kickin', real bad.

The taxi shoots off, spitting dirt in Harry's face. Harry
watches as the fading black form disappears. Harry wipes
the dirt off of his manilla folder. And stretches his arms,
after his shoulder clicks. Harry continues on down the road.

SOUNDTRACK: "CRAIG DAVID'S-"I'm walking away". Harry continues
down the road.

ENT. REGENT STREET. MORNING

Harry finally arives. He continues down the street, until he
finds a small place named "Mamma Sam's Diner". The song finishes.

ENT. MAMA SAM'S. MORNING

Harry enters, with a pleased look on his face. He looks in a small
mirror on the wall, and combs his hair, so the front is spiked up
better.

MAMA SAM
(From behind counter)
Don't worry, Goose-man, you're looking
good.

HARRY
Yeh, well. One day if you play your cards
right maybe you'll get to see the rest of
it.

Mama Sam giggles, her HUSBAND, growls at Harry from behind the counter.
Harry searches the room with his beady little eyes. He finally sees
WEST, a fairly good looking, clean-shaven guy in his early twenties waves
to Harry. Harry sits next to him.

HARRY
Hey, you must be West am I right?

WEST
Yes and you must be...The Goose?

HARRY
Yeh. The name's Deckard, Harry Deckard.
Stirred, but occasionally shaken.

WEST
I can see we're gonna get on well, Mister
Deckard. What d'you do for a living?

HARRY
What has this got to do with my scripts?
I'm sort of like a freelance...guy.

WEST
Okay. I see, I think anyway. You said you wanted
me to look at some of your work?

HARRY
Yeh. I reckon I did, I got a couple of
scripts here.

Harry digs into the folder, and brings out the first. Stapled-together
piece of "creative scripture".

WEST
Right, pass it here. (He gets it)
"The Stiffler encounter". So what's this
about-bizarre title.

HARRY
Well it's about a guy named Jake Stiffler,
he's a New-york reporter. And lives quite a
boring life. Until one day, him and his wife
are involved in a car accident. He gets out
alive. But his wife dies. Two days later, he
sees her kissing another man. After that he is
able to see ghosts.

WEST
Okay, so what is the dilemma which he faces?

HARRY
Well, he makes friends with them. And lures them
into a trap. After taking hundreds of photos of them
the world knows that ghosts exist, but they start
trying to kill him...

WEST
Fuck off...stuff like that, just doesn't hold anyone's
interest. Modern day films, are action...zombies...shit
like that. Anything else?

Harry groans, and shoves the script back in the folder. Another one,
a bit thinner comes out. West takes it.

HARRY
Well this one's called "Sniper Target".
It's set in Chicago, a military cop is
on leave, when he picks up the invitation
for dinner at his best friend, a rich MP's
house. On arrival he is framed for his murder,
and arrested. But after his inital escape him
and a group of whacky ex-school friends and
other annoying fools have to find the real crook.

WEST
Sounds alright, lemme have a look.

West takes a long draught of coffee, and starts to flick through
the pages. SARAH, a sexy and leggy blonde waitress comes up to
the table. She blushes on Harry's sight.

HARRY
Well as if the coffee wasn't goo....

SARAH
Harry, I don't want any more flirting!
(Blushes)
Now what d'you want?

HARRY
A latte and a blow job, oh plus a packet
of chocolate digestives.

SARAH
Very funny, Harry.

She writes the two sensible things down and scampers off.
Harry turns to West, and finds him engrossed in a page. Harry
twiddles his thumbs, looks up at the roof, taps his toes and
finally turns to West.

WEST
Uh huh. Very good, well okay I suppose.
I count, ninety-three typoes. But that's only
on a quick-view.

HARRY
What are you? A human calculator or something?
Anyway, what did you think of my screenplay?

WEST
Okay. Except I think that there isn't a very
good emphasis on the characters. Try harder next
time and call me when you have a decent script.

West gets up to leave. Harry is shocked, he grabs his sleeve.

HARRY
Is that it? All you're gonna say? Oh I find
that a little bit dense don't you?

West shakes him off his suit.

WEST
Good day to you, Mister Deckard.

West exits, just like that. Harry fumes.

HARRY'S IMAGINATION-SEQUENCE

Harry running up to West, grabbing him by and throwing him
out of the window. Harry watches as West runs (like a
headless chicken) down the street and out of sight.

BACK TO: REALITY-MAMA SAM'S

Sarah comes, and lumps Harry's latte and biscuits. She waits
for a sly jibe or joke...none comes. That's when she realizes
Harry's down.

SARAH
What's wrong, Harry?

HARRY
Nothing, d-don't worry.

She hugs him and his face lights up a bit more. Then she goes.
He takes a sip of his latte, it burns his mouth, but he doesn't
care.

HARRY'S IMAGINATION

Harry pouring the burning hot Latte on West's head.

BACK TO REALITY-MAMA SAM'S

Harry drinks the coffee, then opens the small packet of
Digestives. He eats all four like a robot. Slams the money
on top of the tray (which has the bill on it), then puts
a two pound tip on with it.

EXT. REGENT STREET. MORNING

Harry comes out of the diner. When suddenly he is tapped on the
shoulder, a guy wearing a baraclava and a switchblade stands behind
him.

HARRY
If you wanna get a scarier
out-fit, then the costume-shop
is just down there, and here's a tip,
spend generously.

MUGGER
Yeh, you're really funny, fuckah'. Now gimme
your money, cell-phone whatever you got.

HARRY
How about go fuck your mother?

MUGGER
That the best you got? How about, yo' mumma's
bed so cold, she get' fifty boilers and it don't
make no difference.

HARRY
No that's not funny...how about your mumma's so
fat, she filled up the grand canyon four times over
and still had room left for a generous meal of pork
pies?

MUGGER
No this is gettin' us, no where. Now gimme what'choo
got.

CRACK! A huge fist SLAMS into the mugger's face, practically breaking his
nose. Harry turns round, and finds a huge dreadlocked black guy standing
in front of him.

HARRY
Fuck, with a right hook like that you should be
a boxer!

BIG FIST
Why, thanks man. I always like to help some'un in
a spotta' bother.

HARRY
Hell, man. I can get ya set up for a good career.
What's your name?

BIG FIST
Crasher Wildblood.

HARRY
No shit, man. That's a great name. Well hell, I
can see you're gonna do well. Come with me and
I'll get'cha...connected. By the way, I'm Harry
Deckard.

CRASHER
Geez, well. Okay. I ain't got nuthen' else
planned.

HARRY
You could be famous, man. Or have you already got
a job?

CRASHER
Nope, I'm just a fucken' dumb-bum. My grades say
I can't do nothen' worth while. An' you?

HARRY
Well, quite the opposite. But so. Anyway come down
to the "Hayley" and I'll see.

CRASHER
Der Hayley? Der Hayley? Neva' heard of it.

Harry and Crasher walk across the London street, and see the usual
stuff. A group of skinheads smashing up a car. A policeman is
sworn at, while his car is graffitilized. Two lovers kiss, he slaps
her ass, then she slaps him, etc...

ENT. THE "HAYLEY" BAR. NIGHT

The Hayley is a small "all-day" bar on the wrong side of town.
This is notorious for the amount of pointless fights and brawls.
Harry and Crasher enter, Crasher is confused.

CRASHER
Well, this ain't no gym, Mr. Deckard.

HARRY
Two right it isn't. Now c'mon, what d'you
wanna drink?

CRASHER
I normally have a G & T.

Harry approaches the barmaid, SUSAN.

SUSAN
Hi, Goosey. Wassup?

HARRY
Nothing much, can I have a Gin and Tonic
and a pint of mild---your best.

CRUNCH! Crasher spins round, a man smashes a wooden chair
over someone's head, as a result his opponet stabs him with
a Swiss army knife blade. As they fight a small mousey man,
MIKE PALMER, who sits at the corner of the room watches intently.

Susan hands Harry the drinks. Harry hands one to the amazed Crash-
her. Harry turns and watches, as the guy with the chair kicks the
ass of the other guy.

SKINHEAD#1
Hey, hey, Harry. Why you' hangen' with that
dumb ass no-balls nigger?

CRASHER
What did you just call me?

Three Skinheads come over to the big guy.

SKINHEAD#1
I said: Harry, why are you hangen' with
that dumb-ass, no balls nigger?

CRACK! Crasher smashes him in the face with his fist. The
Skinhead's nose squashes like a tomato. Harry sniggers.
Crasher assumes a fighting stance, Mike is very interested.
Harry smiles and walks over to him.

SKINHEAD#1
You wanna try that again you fucken' pig?

CRASHER
P...Please don't make me hit you again.

The Skinhead swings for Crasher, Crasher grabs his arm and BREAKS
it. Skinhead#2 steps up with an empty Whiskey bottle, he swings it
at Crasher, but the big guy crashes his head against the counter.

CRASHER
Any other punk wanna be racist about me?

Meanwhile Mike hands Harry a couple of tenners.

MIKE
Well done, Harry, you found me another great
Heavyweight champ. Spend it well.

Mike goes over to Crasher and slaps him on the back.

MIKE
Hi, my name's Micheal Palmer. I'm a talent
scout for new and upcoming boxers, and I
wondered if you'd like to...

Harry smiles, folds the notes in half, slots them in his wallet
and exits.

ENT. SEEDY STREET. MORNING

Harry walks along the road, two or three thugs snigger at him as they
sit on the wall smoking pot.

HARRY
Problem?

The thugs just sneer at him.

HARRY'S IMAGINATION

Harry walks up to the lead one, grabs the cigarette and stubs it
into his groin area.

BACK TO REALITY

Harry simmers for a moment, then plods off.

THUG#1
Yeh, run off ya pig-assed mutha.

Harry stops and swings round at them. The thugs stop. Harry
sniggers at them, then turns and walks off.

THUG#2
Hey! Hey! You! D'you laugh
at me? Hey, I'm talkin'na you, punk?!?

EXT. HARRY AND Randy'S FLAT. MORNING

The door swings open, and Harry walks in. Smiling, he throws his
folder down, and walks through the living room to the kitchen.

VOICE
Ahh-oooh---ooooh-yeh, Randy you
are the king....baby!

Harry pokes his head back out from the kitchen, and finds Randy
BANGING the pants off of his girlfriend, JENNA. They suddenly notice
him and stop in mid orgasm.

JENNA/Randy
Oh...err...hi, Harry.

HARRY
Yo, err, just continue and I'll go.
Anyone want a drink?

No reply, Randy and Jenna go back to business. Harry shrugs.
He opens the fridge and takes out a beer. He looks over at
Jenna and sees a heart over them.

HARRY'S IMAGINATION

Harry standing in a black, sparse room. As he stands all
alone, the room fills with heart-shaped balloons. In each
of them is the picture of a couple, in love. He realizes
that he's the one left out.

BACK TO REALITY:

Harry takes a long draught of the beer, and leans back against
the counter. As he tries to think, three hearts of Randy and
Jenna's love float past his face and escape out the window. He
takes another sip, grabs his coat and turns to go.

ENT. CORNER SHOP. MORNING (LATE)

Harry walks into a tiny corner shop set in a fairly built-up
residental area. MOHAMED, is the beaming Asian owner.

MOHAMED
Hello, Harry, man. How are
you today?

HARRY
Great. Moham, great. Just bored.

MOHAMED
Why? Harry, man. It is good, life is good.
Feel lucky that you are alive, Harry. But
what is wrong, I have time?

HARRY
Love. I'm so busy rushing around doing favours
andstuff for everyone else and the like, that
I haven't had a girl, in...1...2...3..4...shit
five whole pigfuckin' months! And I haven't have
sex for four. I only just realized.

Mohamed's shop-hand BRADLEY HARMSTRONG, a small, bald guy of Harry's
age comes out of the back as they talk, he is an old ENEMY of Harry's.
As he sees Harry his ugly little face lightens up.

HARRY
So what d'you think Mohamed?

MOHAMED
Well, Harry, man. I do not have to
worry. I am married with six kids, and
I get it every night. But...

BRADLEY
Hey, Harry. Would ya like a can of coke?

HARRY
(Scowls at him)
Yeh...that'd be...good.

Bradley hands Harry a coke. Harry opens it, a THICK JET OF
BLACK COKE sprays neatly in Harry's eye, our Protagonist jumps back
and the can falls and EXPLODES on the shop floor. Harry looks
up at the laughing Bradley.

HARRY
Fucking side-splitting isn't it?

HARRY'S IMAGINATION:

Bradley strapped down on a huge dentist's-chair, he is naked.
And a huge Ape stands over him with a circular store about to
Circumstize him. Bradley screams and tries to struggle.

HARRY (O.S)
Yeh, how'd you like it now?

BACK TO REALITY:

Harry picks the can up off the floor, and LOBS it right in Bradley's
laughing face. The weedy little cuss stops. He leans over and PUNCHES
Harry in the face. Harry leans over the counter to attack him, but:

MOHAMED
Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop the fighting
ladies, Mistah Bradley go clean
yourself up.

Harry exits.

MOHAMED
HEY! HEY! WAIT! YOU DIDN'T BUY ANYTHING!
Sheet. Harry is really down. Bradley, bring
me my address book.

A bruised Bradley comes out of the back-room and hands a notepad
to Mohamed. Mohamed searches through the numbers, until he finds
the one he wants---HARRY DECKARD and Randy KINGLEY-Flat number.

CUT TO:

Harry comes out from the Corner shop and sits down on a park bench.
He watches as a group of kids play football. SOUNDTRACK: WHY DOES
IT ALWAYS RAIN ON ME? Suddenly Harry's cell-phone goes off, the
music stops and Harry answers.

HARRY
Hi, Do you (a) Want to read my scripts,
(b) want to use my ghost hunting service
(c) need a small time agent or....
(Squeaking on other end)
Yeh. Very close in fact, yeh, yeh.
(Squeaking)
Right. So you...bruises?
(Squeaking)
Serious. Yes...no...well five minutes...
(Squeaking)
Fine. Right. Bye.
(Squeaking)
Okay...okay...don't panic...bye.

Harry slips the cell-phone into his jacket-pocket. Brightens
up a little, and spins round to go.

ENT.ROW OF COUNCIL HOUSES. MORNING (LATE)

Harry enters the row of terraced council-houses. He walks up
and down looking at the numbers.

HARRY
41...39...ah-ha, 36.

Harry walks over to a run-down House, probably the scabbiest
in the block. He rings the doorbell, and grimaces when the
"Ketchup song" hammers down loud on the doorbell. A small
stout man answers.

STOUT MAN
(Scottish)
If yer sellin' suffin', y' can
bloody well fuck off...

HARRY
I believe you called...about the ghost
hunting thing?

STOUT MAN
Oh...ay...sorry...we get a lotta salesman
and ruffians roun' 'ere...

ENT.HOUSE. MORNING

Harry is pleasantly taken aback at the apperance of the house,
it's well-furnished and kind of posh. With a powerful computer,
leather furniture, digital T.V, etc. The stout man, puts away
a Sawn-off Shotgun which he was holding on the door.

HARRY
I see you're well equipped for...burglars...
Mister Green?

GREEN
Aye, we've been burgled about, well a wee thirteen
times. My name is ALBERT NICKOLAI. I'm not really
Scottish, and my name isn't Green. I'm a small time
gang leader in London.

HARRY
So why d'you hire me, then? I'm no Hitman.

NICKOLAI
Ah, yes. Full of spunk, I like you...

HARRY
Spunk...err...yeh.

NICKOLAI
I need your "Protection" service. But first I
have some questions to ask you.

HARRY
Come on then, fire away.

NICKOLAI
Is your real name "The Goose"?

HARRY
Nope, it's Harry Deckard. Next?

NICKOLAI
Age, sexuality, occupation...?

HARRY
Twenty-two. I'm...err...straight.
And I don't really have an Occupation, I'm
"the jack of all trades".

NICKOLAI
Okay. Martial status?

HARRY
Single. Next?

NICKOLAI
I see. Current living address?

HARRY
Oak breech flat block, Highbury.

NICKOLAI
Flat number?

HARRY
Eight, what's this got to do with anything?

NICKOLAI
(Hesitant)
N-nothing. Now, any crimes, ever been
arrested?

HARRY
No. I'm a clean man. Never had drugs, don't
smoke, don't fight (Pauses) well I don't fight
on...actually yes I do. But I'm a good guy.

NICKOLAI
Have you ever fired a gun?

HARRY
Yep. Could've done it professional, if...
Yeh. I have.

NICKOLAI
Do you carry a gun with you, then?

HARRY
No. I don't normally, but it depends on what's
goin' down, though. And you?

NICKOLAI
Shut up, Mister Deckard. People who are dis-
obidient to me, end up...at a loose end.

HARRY
So you want me to protect you, Mister Bandit
chief?

Nickolai takes an Uzi submachine gun from a drawer, and
aims it at Harry. Our Protagonist thinks he's gonna blast him
for a minute. But Nickolai grins, and flips the gun so
the muzzle is in his hand.

Harry takes it.

NICKOLAI
Full clip, yours to keep after the job too.
I got spares, if you should need 'em. But
Mr. Deckard-can you drive?...Fast?

HARRY
Two words---You bet. So what do I do?

NICKOLAI
Right...come with me Mister Deckard. We have
business to attend too. Say, three thousand
now. And another thousand after?

Harry is blown back by the price.

CUT TO:

ENT.Randy + HARRY'S FLAT. MORNING (VERY LATE)

Jenna is on the phone, while Randy hustles around
in the background. Jenna comes off and turns to Randy.

JENNA
Hey Randy. I got Milly on the phone.
She'll be here at nine.

Randy
What the old school friend?

JENNA
Yeh. And I also booked the resturant.
Harry ain't ever gonna forget this
night. Milly always secretly fancied the
guy all through high school, she'll probably
marry the fucker.

Randy
Ha. Ha. How could I live without ya babe?

CUT TO:

ENT. CHINESE RESTURANT. LUNCHTIME

In the small, well-furnished little resturant. Harry, Nickolai
and a gang member, GROSS. Sit at a large table. Harry fiddles
around constantly in his jacket pocket, adjusting his Uzi.
Gross lights a smoke, Harry edges away so as not to inhale.

Three large skinheads come in. The leader, a little bigger than
the others is SPARKPLUG, the other two are SPANNER and WRENCH.
They see Nickolai and crew, and come over to them. Harry
ignores them and continues with his meal.

NICKOLAI
Welcome, Mr. Sparkplug. I'm Nickolai. That
is all you will ever know me as.

Harry recognizes Sparkplug as the guy whose nose was broken
by Crasher, it now has a massive bandage over it. Sparkplug
does not recognize Harry.

SPARKPLUG
Yeh, yeh. All fine and all dat. But when
do you want our shit?

NICKOLAI
You mean the drugs, Mr. Sparkplug?

Harry's blood freezes at this.

SPARKPLUG
Yeh. Wotever'. Oi, Wrench!

Wrench hands Sparkplug a bottle of Plonk and a big
white package. Nickolai nods.

NICKOLAI
I see, thank you Mister Sparkplug.

SPARKPLUG
(Taking a swig from the Plonk bottle)
Yeh, yeh. No where's our stuff. I wann' it
now.

Gross hands him another white package. Harry chews
sourly on his noodles.

NICKOLAI
Mister Sparkplug, contary to your beliefs.
I don't do fair trading. NOOOOOW!

Gross kicks the table up onto the rival Gangsters, he sprays
them with gunfire, Wrench is killed. Spanner just manages to
dive to the ground and Sparkplug fell over with the table.
Harry is panicked, he grabs a bag and shoves it over his head.

SPARKPLUG
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

Suddenly SHOTGUN blasts rocket the ground behind them. Gross is
hit, but continues firing. Harry bolts, Nickolai is quick after
him with the two packages. Sparkplug throws his Plonk bottle at
them.

SPARKPLUG
Chase the fuckers.

ENT.ALLEY.LUNCH

Nickolai and Harry tear outside, both of them running as if the
devil himself was after them. (SOUNDTRACK: BAT OUT OF HELL-
MEATLOAF). Harry turns to Nickolai, very pissed.

HARRY
Hey, you, you fucking dickhead. You
never said nothing about drugs, what
d'you want me for?

NICKOLAI
Protection, you wait another couple a' minutes.

The skinheads come bolting round the corner, after them.

NICKOLAI
If they get me, then blow me down. I'll
be fucked. So as most of my gang are on
(pause) "other missions" I needed just
another guy, a "Safeguard". My life is
valuable.

SPARKPLUG
Stop you, fucking pig.

NICKOLAI
You wanna piece of me! Yeh! Yeh! Well come
here then.

Harry is shocked, as Nickolai stops. As Harry turns to
continue going, Nickolai grabs his jacket, pulling him
back. Harry stops. He shrugs, and reaches for the Uzi.

NICKOLAI
No. That won't be neccessary.

The skinheads reach them, all pissed.

SPARKPLUG
Alright, then mister tough ass. Ready
boys, on da count a' "free" blast 'is
guts all over da fuckin' wall.

HARRY
If I'm gonna die, then tell me, scrotum-sucker,
is your penis as bald as your head?

CRACK! Sparkplug's elbow comes out like a battering ram.
Harry goes down, instantly. Nickolai stands his ground.
Making no move for a gun or anything, ready to face his
extinction.

NICKOLAI
I bet that the guy on the floor there,
The Goose could kick all of your asses.

Harry gulps, gives Nickolai the finger.

SPARKPLUG
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Don't make me
laugh, fucka'. He'd be riddled with
fifty-suffin' bullets afore he could
even blink. (LAUGHS).

NICKOLAI
Funny, how about you against him, but
no guns, I mean, he'll fight unarmed.

Sparkplug grins, turns back to his guys.

SPARKPLUG
Okay. Dude. You're on. Might as well,
huh, guys? Ain't every day we get an
offa' so satisfactory and so funny.

The guys all nod. Nickolai pulls Harry up. The music
stops.

NICKOLAI
Come on, Harry. Those guys ain't
gonna stand a freakin' chance.

Harry shrugs, our protagonist throws his gun onto
the floor. And assumes a fighting stance. Everything
goes silent. (SOUNDTRACK: (BURSTING IN) DR DRE AND
ICE CUBE'S NATURAL BORN KILLAZ).

HARRY
Just bring it, jabronis.

Harry looks at his chances, the music beating away
in the background. The skinheads, about eight or
so approach him. All ready to go. CRASH! One punches
Harry in the back, Harry grabs him round the waist.

Both of them go flying, Nickolai steps back. He picks
up the Uzi and fits a silencer on it. Harry smashes
his opponent's back against the wall. Two more of the
skinheads begin raining blows on his back.

Harry goes down under pressure.

SPANNER
Come on, Goosey-goosey-gander.

Harry smashes two of his teeth out, with a well trained
blow to the chin. Sparkplug himself cuts in, smashes Harry's
chin with his steel-toecapped boot. Harry spits blood.
Another Skinhead has a small baseball-bat. He beats Harry's
back with it.

HARRY
That the best you got?

The gangster smashes him in the nose and mouth with it. Harry
painfully grabs the bat, yanks it from his hands and SMASHES him
over the head with it. That skinhead goes down, but wriggles up
later. Harry tries to get up, but the constant rain of blows makes
it hard.

CRASH! Sparkplug's steel-toecap goes in his face, Harry grabs the
foot and twists hard---THE ANKLE BREAKS. Sparkplug falls flat on
his face. Just as Harry is about to give in. A sudden burst of
silenced fire.

Harry ducks out of the group of skinheads. The have turned their
attention to Nickolai, Harry, dipping in and out of consciousness
watches as the mob boss is brought down by the baseball bat
(which Harry dropped). They stab him and take the packages and the
gun off him.

Sparkplug turns to Harry, who struggles to look up. He fixes the
skinhead with pleading eyes. CRACK! Sparkplug lays him out with
the butt of the Uzi.

SPANNER
D'you want me tah ice him, Sparky?

SPARKPLUG
No. He deserves respect. He 'adn't got
a clue wot was goin' on. An' 'e was a
worthy opponent. Take Rico (the guy who
Nickolai shot) and Nickolai's bodies.

The song stops. And we watch the slow, muddy rain land on Harry's
unconsicous form. The skinheads go. Harry lies, uncoinscous still.
The rain falls harder and the alley remains deserted...

CUT TO:

EXT. ALLEYWAY. LATER. EARLY AFTERNOON

Harry lies, still in the same position as before. As he lies a
door opens next to his head. And a pretty Chinese waitress who
comes out of it notices his corpse.

CUT TO:

EXT. FLAT. E. AFTERNOON

Jenna is brushing her hair in the background, while Randy
checks his watch.

Randy
Damn it, Jen, Harry's normally back
for dinner at this time.'

CUT TO:

ENT. HOSPITAL WARD. E. AFTERNOON

The ward is empty except from Harry and three nurses.

HARRY'S P.O.V--AS HE SLOWLY OPENS HIS EYES

First he blinks a couple of times, then he sees the
faces of three pretty nurses bending down on him. As
he focuses fully, he finds out that one of them is banging
him.

HARRY
Whoa, heaven seems so enjoyable.
Hey fuck me down! This is the hospital!

NURSE
(JUMPS UP)
Oh, shit. I thought he'd be out for another
couple of hours.

HARRY
So did I, Whoa-wooow! Don't stop.

The nurse bounces back on him.

NURSE#2
How about a...foursome.

HARRY
Don't stop on my account.

Harry licks his lips as the three nurses begin to strip,
one of them slinks over to the door and BOLTS it.

FAST SHOTS OF:

THE ACTION.

SOON

Harry has gotten out of bed and is dressed, a tall GP stands in
front of him.

GP
Yes, Mister Deckard. No serious
injuries, just heavy bruising and
a busted nose. Would you like to
make a report on this to the police?

Harry strokes his nose-plaster.

HARRY
Nah. I'm okay, just a simple mugging.
Due to my swollen fists, I don't think
they got away with much.
(Thinking)
If only he knew, poor bastard. However much
fun must go on in a hospital.

ENT. STREET OUTSIDE HOSPITAL. AFTERNOON

As Harry walks across the street, rubbing his nose and feeling
relax after the past hours sexual "action", his cell-phone goes
off.

HARRY
Yeh, this is The Goose talkin'.
(Squeaking)
Excuse me?
(Squeaking)
Yeh, I'm sure you fucking are.
(Squeaking)
Right. So you want me to...
(Squeaking)
Uh huh. Macey's? Yeh, all-day
club? Yeh, that's it. I know it.
(Squeaking)
Right. Whatever.

Harry hangs up and hurries to the side of the road. Where he flanks
down a taxi.

ENT. TAXI. AFTERNOON

Harry climbs in the back, the driver turns to him...it's J.T CARLSON.

CARLSON
What the fuck d'you want?

HARRY
Oh it's you, okay, you get
a fiver if you get me over to
Macey's all-day club near Braggs
close in five minutes.

Carlson takes the bill, and smiles a toothy grin a Harry.

J.T
Belt up for the best ride o'
your life. Man, let the rain go
down.

Harry belts up, J.T Carlson flicks his CD player on. Loud
hip-hop rattles down on them. (SOUNDTRACK: IN DA CLUB---
50 CENT). The Taxi speeds up like its on fucking fire.
Harry holds on.

CUT TO:

ENT. MACEY'S. AFTERNOON

As Harry enters the small, raunchy little club. He is
appauled by the amount of Goths, hippies and junkies.
Harry searches the club, a girl carrying a tray of
Syringes, she waves it to Harry. He refuses and spits
on the tray.

He searches the room, and finds a guy dressed in a
cheap easily tailored suit. ELLIS. He's about six
foot five, with a huge white-blonde quiff and false
smile.

ELLIS
Hello, Mister Goose. I'm
Joe Ellis. I own the Crewcut
films company. I'm interested
in some of your scripts. The one
you sent me "Year of the Monkey".
The martial-Arts comedy?

HARRY
Yeh. So you wanna buy it then?

ELLIS
Yes, of course, Mister Deckard.
Now, there were five things about
the film that really shook me.
1) The fight scenes, those that
needed to be were very slow and
brooding, others were fast paced
and exciting. 2) Every single line
of dialogue was packed with wit,
yes. I loved it, so I need to make
this. The project will be starting
in nine months, but I need to discuss
a price with you. As it will be low-budgeted
but we may be able to get Chow Yun-Fat in
it so...maybe...possibly...One million pounds?

SLAM CUT TO:

HARRY'S IMAGINATION

Confetti falling to the skies, flowers and hippies appearing.
Harry swinging around and around in happiness.

FADE OUT.

CREDITS ON SCREEN, TO BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S "IM ON FIRE".

OLD MAN (O.S)
And that was the story of The guy they
called "The Goose".

KID (O.S)
But what happened to the blind date
Grandpa.

OLD MAN (O.S)
Well, Harry got so drunk on celebrating
that he didn't come home till twelve.
But...well...when he heard he caught the
crying Milly before she could go home...

KID (O.S)
And they lived happily ever after,
Grandpa?

OLD MAN (O.S)
Yes, until, the divorce and the re-
marriage.

KID (O.S)
Why did they call him the Goose, grandpa?

OLD MAN (O.S)
Because he went like a Goose...

THE END

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