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BEN WASDEN
PRESENTS
PROFILE OF A BAD HORROR MOVIE ACTRESS
From the writer of Someone's Watching You, Adam & Me, and Child's Play
5 comes an outrageous comedy that spoofs TV. Shows like E! True
Hollywood Story and Biography!
***
Dick Big: Hello, everyone. I'm Dick Big, the host of Profile, the show
that takes you inside the life of a celebrity. Tonight, you'll learn
everything you need to know about Tina Voorhees. Tina grew up in a
small California town. She was a nobody. Now she's one of the biggest
bad actresses in Hollywood. In just eight short years, she has either
starred in or appeared in over ninety awful horror films. She's blonde,
beautiful, and rich. Women want to kill her and men want to sleep with
her. Hell, I'd bang her too if I had the chance. But enough about me.
It's time for Profile.
***
Tina Voorhees: I was born in Whitetrash, California. That's where I
lived until I was eighteen years old. It was really hard for me living
there. Me and my family lived in a one-room trailer. We didn't even
have a bathroom, so we had to go potty outside.
***
Annie Voorhees (Tina's mother): Tina was always complaining about
having to live in a crappy trailer. All of the other kids lived in nice
homes. She wondered why she had to be different. I think the thing that
she hated most was using the bathroom outdoors.
***
Tina Voorhees: One time while I was outside peeing, my father
accidentally saw me. It was absolutely humiliating.
***
Annie Voorhees: That's when I told Steve that he had to get a job. We
needed a bathroom built on to our trailer.
***
Steve Voorhees (Tina's father): I went out looking for a job, and
finally I got one. I started working at McDonald's. And a few months
later, I could afford to have a bathroom built on to the trailer.
***
Tina Voorhees: I was very happy when we got a bathroom. I thought that
things were starting to look up. Well, other than the fact that I was
pretty fat back then.
***
Annie Voorhees: Tina was a fat kid. She would eat anything that didn't
eat her first. She even tried to eat me once. That's how hungry the
little pig was.
***
Steve Voorhees: Tina was definitely a hearty eater. One time I caught
her eating a dead mouse. It wasn't a pretty sight, I'll tell you that
much.
***
Tina Voorhees: By the time that I was fifteen years old, I weighed
three hundred pounds. Kids would call me "Miss Piggy", "Chubbs", and
"Fatass." It really hurt my feelings. I mean, I knew that I was a
fatty. But I didn't want people always pointing that out to me.
***
Annie Voorhees: It hurt me that everyone was calling Tina names. It
especially hurt me that they called her "fatass." That's not nice. I
mean, this was my little girl. I wasn't going to stand for it.
Something had to be done.
***
Tina Voorhees: One day when I came home from school, I finally told my
mother about how the kids were mistreating me. She was furious. She
started throwing things left and right. She even threw our dog, Fluffy.
Needless to say, Fluffy didn't like that very much.
***
Steve Voorhees: Yes sir, Annie went completely ballistic. She went down
to the school and spoke to Principal Cock. It scared the crap of him, I
think.
***
Principal Seymour Cock: I didn't know what to think when Mrs. Voorhees
stormed into my office that day. She looked like she could kill me with
her bare hands. I mean, she was one pissed off lady. And then, when she
threatened to blow up the school, my first impression was that this
woman is nuts.
***
Annie Voorhees: I told Principal Cock that if he didn't punish them
kids, that I was going to blow up the whole school. I mean, nobody
messes with my Tina.
***
Flashback:
Annie: Principal Cock, you have got to do something about those
heathens. They are ruining my precious daughter's life.
Principal Cock: I don't know what you want me to do. You know how the
school system is these days. If I do anything rash, the parents will
murder me. And I don't want to be murdered. I have a wife and two brats
at home. Not to mention my sexy secretary, Veronica.
Annie: Oh, yeah. Well, I'll make it really easy for you. Either punish
the bastards, or I'll blow up this school with you in it. Do you hear
me loud and clear, Seymour?
Principal Cock: Okay, I think that you need to get professional help.
Are you currently under the care of a psychiatrist?
Annie: I don't need a psychiatrist. All I need is for people to be nice
to my daughter.
Principal Cock: I'm sorry, but I can't do anything.
Annie: Okay, I'll make you a deal. Either you punish the kids severely,
or I'll tell everyone that you have sex with men.
Principal Cock: But I haven't had sex with men since I was in college.
Honest.
Annie: But that's what I'll tell them.
Principal Cock: Okay, I'll see what I can do. But you sure are one
crazy ass bitch.
Annie: And don't you forget it, mister.
***
Tina Voorhees: I think that's when I realized that my mother was
psycho. However, Principal Cock made sure that no one else mistreated
me. And they didn't. Everyone was nice to me after that. However, that
didn't change the fact that I was still a fat girl.
***
Annie Voorhees: Tina was very insecure about her appearance. She wanted
to go on a diet. I strongly supported that. I mean, Tina was beginning
to look like an elephant. I don't like elephants. They frighten me.
They're so big.
***
Tina Voorhees: I think what made me decide to go on a diet, was the
fact that I was surrounded by girls who looked like they could be on
the cover of Seventeen magazine. I wanted to look like them. And a few
weeks later, I did look like them. I was thin.
***
Steve Voorhees: When Tina lost two hundred pounds in just three short
weeks, I was so stunned by how good she actually looked. She went from
being a fat cow to a gorgeous fox in less than a month. If she wasn't
my daughter, I would have boned her for sure.
***
Tina Voorhees: When I slimmed down, I noticed that my father was always
looking at me with this huge smirk on his face. It was creepy.
***
Annie Voorhees: When Tina was sixteen years old, she had her first
boyfriend. I'll never forget how happy she was.
***
Tina Voorhees: His name was Chris. Chris Dildo. He was so cute and so
good in bed. My father didn't care too much for him, though.
***
Steve Voorhees: I thought that Chris was a bad influence on Tina. Every
weekend, they would go out drinking. Tina would come home a complete
mess. She always came in late, too. One night, I told her that if she
didn't start coming home earlier that I was going to bend her over and
give her a spanking. I like giving spankings. That's always been the
best part of being a father for me.
***
Tina Voorhees: I think that I was very stupid and naive at that time. I
didn't really know what I was doing. I was just going out and getting
drunk. I was being rebellious. Even though Chris and I had a lot of
fun, I do think that he was a very bad influence on me. I mean, one
time after a hard night of partying, I woke up naked in a zoo. I'm not
kidding. I woke up and there was a polar bear going down on me. It
wasn't one of my best moments, that's for sure.
***
Annie Voorhees: Tina and Chris were inseparable. Whatever he wanted
Tina to do, she would do it. That meant robbing a bank, too.
***
Tina Voorhees: Chris and I decided to elope, to get married. We had no
money, though. We really needed money. So Chris thought that we should
rob a bank. We didn't have actual guns, so we brought water guns
instead.
***
Flashback:
Tina and Chris strode into the bank, each carrying a water gun and
a large bag for the money. They were wearing black masks. They walked
up to the counter. The cashier was stunned when he saw these two
people, wearing masks and carrying water guns.
Tina: All right, give us some money.
Ray Pickles (cashier): No, I will most certainly not.
Tina: Give me money, or I'll spray you with this here water gun. The
water is very cold, too.
Ray: Okay, I will give you money.
Ray reached under the counter and grabbed a pistol. He aimed it at
Tina and Chris.
Chris: Hey, that's not money. That's a gun.
Ray: No shit, Sherlock. Don't come any closer or I'll shoot your heads
off, suckers.
Tina: Who are you calling a sucker?
Ray: Who do you think, Blondie?
Chris took a step closer to the counter, his water gun aimed at
Ray's head.
Chris: Prepare to be sprayed, asswipe.
Ray: All right, I told you not to come any closer. Now, say hello to my
tiny friend. Goodbye, sucker.
Ray shot Chris in the head. Chris fell down, dead. Tina ran to his
dead body, crying. She looked up at the cashier.
Tina: You shot him, you idiot. You shot him in the head.
Ray: No shit, Sherlock. Thanks for coming to the Whitetrash Bank. Come
again, soon.
Tina: You're going to fry for this, you murderer.
Ray: Ooh, I'm shaking in my socks. I can't say that I'm shaking in my
boots, because I'm not wearing any.
***
Tina Voorhees (crying): I was so sad when Chris died. I'm sorry that
I'm crying. It's just that I still love him, even if he got me in so
much trouble. He was the first guy that I ever loved and he'll probably
be the last. Oh, I miss that bastard so much. I miss him so much that I
could just puke. I really could.
***
Annie Voorhees: Tina was a wreck when Chris was killed. It was such a
shock. Chris was such a nice boy. He never did anything wrong. Well, he
drank of course. And he smoked. He robbed liquor stores on numerous
occasions. And he swore like a truck driver. But other than that, he
was an angel.
***
Tina Voorhees (still crying): I never really ever dated anyone else
after Chris. I think that he was the only one for me. He was so
special, even if he did only shower once a week.
***
Steve Voorhees: Tina really didn't go out that much after Chris died.
She would just stay home and stare at the wall. I told her that she
should get up and do something. She just kept staring at the wall, with
this blank expression on her face.
***
Tina Voorhees: When I finished high school, it was really hard for me
to find a job. I needed a job so badly, because I wasn't going to
college. I mean, college is for smart people and I was one dumb bunny.
I did eventually get a job... as a stripper.
***
Annie Voorhees: I can't say that I was too pleased with Tina's
stripping. She was my daughter. I didn't want her flashing her tits and
ass for the whole world to see.
***
Tina Voorhees: My mother was devastated when I told her that I was a
stripper at a place called Tits 'R Us. I have to say that it wasn't a
piece of cake for me, either. I was up there on stage in front of
hundreds of horny men. And they were shouting things like "Show your
tits" and "Shake that ass. Show me what you're working with." It was
pretty embarrassing, but I needed the money.
***
Steve Voorhees: I can't tell you how excited I was when Tina told me
that she was stripping. I knew that she had the body for it. So why not
be a stripper?
***
Tina Voorhees: While I was stripping, Charles Cumming, who is a very
big talent agent, asked if I had ever thought of acting. I didn't know
what to say. I had always fantasized about being an actress.
***
Charles Cumming: I noticed Tina while she was a stripper at Tits R' Us.
She had a special quality. Not only did she have a nice rack, but she
was also hot as hell. I really wanted her to be my client.
***
Tina Voorhees: I was asked to come to Hollywood and audition for a
commercial. It was a commercial advertising Feel Good Condoms. In the
commercial, my name was Heather. Wade Tookie was also in the
commercial. He was Tommy.
***
Wade Tookie: That condom commercial was a good start for both Tina and
me. It was our big break, really.
***
Annie Voorhees: That condom commercial was so cute. It put a smile on
my face. Now, whenever I cheat on Steve, I always make sure that the
man wears Feel Good Condoms.
***
COMMERCIAL:
Tommy: Heather, I think that we should take our relationship to the
next level.
Heather: Why Tommy, whatever do you mean?
Tommy: I think that we should have sex.
Tommy and Heather were sitting on Heather's bed. Tommy pulled
Heather to him and began kissing her. She backed away, angrily.
Heather: Tommy, just because I'm a blonde with big breasts doesn't mean
that I'm stupid.
Tommy: What are you talking about, babe?
Heather: Use a condom, dude.
Tommy: I don't have any condoms.
Heather: That's why I always keep Feel Good Condoms handy.
Heather pulled a box of Feel Good Condoms from under her pillow.
She then gave Tommy the condoms.
Heather: I always make sure my men wear Feel Good Condoms. They just
feel so damn good.
***
Tina Voorhees: That commercial opened up a window of opportunities for
me. I started getting movie offers. My first movie was Vampire Sluts,
which was directed by John Craven. I played a vampire slut named
Samantha who was trying to turn a male student into a vampire.
***
John Craven: Tina was so happy to be working on a movie. It was her
first movie, so she didn't care that the movie sucked really badly.
Most people hated that movie. Hell, I even hated it and I was the
freakin' director.
***
Tina Voorhees: I knew that Vampire Sluts was a very bad movie, but I
didn't care. I just wanted the experience.
***
John Craven: Only about two hundred people saw the movie. I think maybe
two people liked the movie, and one of them was my mother.
***
SCENE FROM VAMPIRE SLUTS:
Samantha: Come to me. Let me suck your blood dry.
Male Student: No. Keep away from me, you vampire slut from Hades.
Samantha: Come on. Don't you want to live forever? It will be so much
fun.
Male Student: Get away, I tell you. I know karate. Don't make me show
you my Jackie Chan moves.
Samantha: Ooh, I'd love to see your moves.
Male Student: Stay away or I'll start singing Whitney Houston's
greatest hits.
Samantha: No. I won't stop until I have drunken your blood, Male
Student.
Male Student: Why do you call me Male Student, you foul creature of the
night?
Samantha: I never got your name.
Male Student: Oh, right.
Samantha: Now, it's time. It's time for me to bite you on the neck and
turn you into an erotic vampire prince.
Male Student: Okay, you asked for it. I told you that I would sing all
of Whitney's greatest hits.
Samantha: Oh, lord. Here we go.
Male Student: I think that I will start with that song from The
Bodyguard. And I will always love you...
***
Tina Voorhees: That scene is just a preview of how very bad that movie
actually is.
***
John Craven: After Vampire Sluts, I asked Tina to be in another movie.
The movie was called Night of the Killer Titties. It was the most
expensive movie that I had ever directed at the time. It cost about
nine hundred dollars to make.
***
Tina Voorhees: I didn't know about being in another horror movie. I
wanted to be a serious actress, like Pamela Anderson or Anna Nicole
Smith. I wanted to star in Academy-Award caliber movies like Striptease
or Barbwire.
***
John Craven: I remember that Tina was a little hesitant about starring
in Night of the Killer Titties for a variety of reasons. One reason was
that it was another bad horror movie. She didn't want to be thought of
as the crazy woman who's in a bunch of crappy horror movies. Another
reason was that the movie called for a lot of nudity.
***
Tina Voorhees: Yes, Night of the Killer Titties did require that I do
nudity. I mean, it was about my breasts coming to life and killing
people. I had to do nudity. Even though I had been a stripper, this was
different.
***
John Craven: Tina eventually gave in and decided to be in the movie.
She played a teenage girl by the name of Jessica Bigbreasts. Night of
the Killer Titties was a huge step forward for Tina, I think. It's the
movie that made her a star. Just about every man in America went to see
that movie. They wanted to see Tina's breasts come to life and
violently kill people. They didn't care that the movie had some of the
worst dialogue in the history of film. It makes Battlefield Earth look
like Gone with the Wind.
SCENE FROM NIGHT OF THE KILLER TITTIES:
Jessica Bigbreasts was taking a shower with her boyfriend, Damian.
All of a sudden, she felt a jolt. She noticed that her breasts were
getting larger. Damian noticed it, too.
Damian: Hey, Jessica. Your titties... they are getting bigger. They
look like they are going to explode.
Jessica: What's happening? I don't understand. My tits never do this.
All of a sudden, Jessica's breasts grabbed Damian's by the neck and
began strangling him.
Damian: Jessica, stop. Your titties are killing me.
Jessica: I can't stop. I'm sorry, Damian.
Jessica screamed as Damian died while in the grasp of her breasts.
Jessica: Oh, my dear. My breasts... they're alive. This is totally
going to ruin my sex life.
***
Tina Voorhees: I was having the time of my life. I was living in
Hollywood. I was making bad movies that only an idiot could love. It
was awesome. Then tragedy struck.
***
Annie Voorhees: I called Tina on the day of March 12, 1996, to tell her
that Aunt Agnus was dead. She took it pretty hard.
***
Flashback:
Tina was in her bedroom watching TV, when the phone began to ring.
She walked over and picked up the phone.
Tina: Hello. This is Tina Voorhees speaking, star of outrageously bad
horror movies.
Annie: Tina, honey. This is your mother. I have bad news.
Tina: Oh, did Dad break the toilet again?
Annie: Yes, but that's not why I'm calling.
Tina: Then why are you calling? I was busy, you know. I was watching a
very thought-provoking episode of Scooby Doo.
Annie: I'm sorry, but Aunt Agnus is dead.
Tina (crying): Dead? No, not Aunt Agnus. I'd rather you be dead than
Aunt Agnus.
Annie: Thanks, honey.
Tina: I'm sorry, Mom. How did the old bag of bones die?
Annie: Let's just say that she died with a smile on her face.
***
Tina Voorhees: Aunt Agnus and I were pretty close, so it was
devastating for me. It was also pretty bad how she died. She died while
performing oral sex on her boyfriend, Frank Jerkoff. Frank was only
twenty years old at the time, fifty years younger than Aunt Agnus.
***
Frank Jerkoff: I've said it before and I'll say it again. At least that
old woman died with a smile on her wrinkled old face.
***
Tina Voorhees: I never liked Frank. He was just so disgusting. He was
always either picking his nose, belching, or farting.
***
Frank Jerkoff: I could always tell that Tina and her parents weren't
exactly fond of me. Maybe it's because I have a naked woman tattooed on
my forehead.
***
Steve Voorhees: Tina came home to Whitetrash for Aunt Agnus' funeral.
It was nice to have her home, even if it was under such bad
circumstances.
***
Annie Voorhees: Tina was an absolute mess at the funeral. She was
crying uncontrollably. She even passed out. All of the men rushed over
to do CPR. I can't imagine why they all wanted to give her CPR so bad.
***
Tina Voorhees (crying): It was hard for me to be at Aunt Agnus'
funeral. I mean this woman taught me how to read, how to ride a bike,
and how to use a vibrator. I'll never forget her for as long as I live.
***
Annie Voorhees: Aunt Agnus' funeral was probably the first time that
Tina had been in a church in about five years.
***
Tina Voorhees: The last time that I was in church before Aunt Agnus'
funeral was in 1991. I was fourteen years old. I remember singing a
solo. I sang "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns 'N Roses. They were my
favorite group at the time. Everyone at church was outraged that I sang
that song.
***
Annie Voorhees: I don't think that it was the fact that Tina was
singing a hard rock song in church that got everyone so riled up. I
think it was the fact that she was doing a strip show while singing it.
***
Tina Voorhees: After Aunt Agnus' funeral, I came back to Hollywood.
That's when some psycho started stalking me. I felt like I was in a bad
horror movie, only not near as bad as the movies that I star in.
Nothing is as bad as the movies that I'm in.
***
Steve Voorhees: Tina called me one day and told me that someone was
sending her disturbing letters, and calling her then hanging up. It
scared me that she was all alone in that creepy house and she was being
harassed by some crazy person.
***
Tina Voorhees: This guy was insane. He would send me letters saying
things like "Date me or I'll kill my dog" and "Roses are red, violets
are blue. If you don't love me, I'll eat poo." I knew what I had to do.
I needed a detective to help me. That led me to Detective Doody.
Detective Howdy Doody, to be exact.
***
Detective Howdy Doody: I don't know why the hell my parents named me
after that damn dummy, Howdy Doody. Howdy Doody is white. My ass is as
black as they come.
***
Tina Voorhees: I knew the second that I walked into Detective Doody's
office that he wasn't going to be much help.
***
Flashback:
Tina walked into Detective Doody's office. The detective was
talking on the phone to some man named Roger.
Detective Doody: I already told you, Roger. I'm not having sex with
you. I'm a heterosexual black man. I'm not into all that gay shit. No,
I won't do mutual masturbation, either. I've gotta go. Some white girl
is in my office.
Detective Doody hung up the phone and gazed up at Tina. Tina
noticed that there was some ketchup on Detective Doody's chin.
Tina: Excuse me, but I think that there's some ketchup on your chin.
Detective Doody: I know. I put it there. I have discovered that ketchup
is not only good on french fries and hamburgers. It's also a pretty
nifty beauty secret.
Tina: Uh, okay.
Detective Doody: Who the hell are you, anyway?
Tina: I'm Tina Voorhees, bad horror movie actress.
Detective Doody: Oh, yeah. I've seen your movies. They suck. Although,
Night of the Killer Titties was slightly watchable.
Tina: Thank you for the compliment, Detective.
Detective Doody: You're welcome, baby. By the way, I'm Detective Doody.
Detective Howdy Doody, to be exact.
Tina: Detective Howdy Doody?
Detective Doody: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Tina: No, no problem.
Detective Doody: What brings you to my office, hot stuff? You want to
be my mistress?
Tina: No, Detective. I'm being stalked.
Detective Doody: Stalked by who, cupcake?
Tina: How the hell am I supposed to know?
Detective Doody: Hey, don't snap at me, woman. I'll slap you so hard
that it'll hurt. I'm a gangster, you know.
Tina: I'm sorry. It's just that I'm so scared.
Detective Doody: Well, you don't have to be scared no more. Detective
Doody is on the case. How long have you been being stalked by this
character, Tittie.
Tina: Uh, my name is Tina, not Tittie.
Detective Doody: Oh, I'm sorry. I've just got boobies on my mind today.
It won't happen again, Pussy.
Tina: My name isn't Pussy, either.
Detective Doody: Lady, I'm horny. Let me call you whatever I want to.
Tina: Sure.
Detective Doody: Now, I require payment for my services.
Tina: How much money will it cost, exactly?
Detective Doody: Who said anything about money, poptart? I'm talking
about you'll have to let me have a piece of that sweet ass. Do you like
to be on the top or the bottom?
Tina: Please, Detective. I'm not that type of girl.
Detective Doody: That's what they all say until they've had a taste of
Detective Howdy Doody.
Tina: Just help me, Detective. I'm all alone in that house. I'm scared
for my life.
Detective Doody: I'll help you, all right. I'll help you so much that
you'll want to marry my black ass.
***
Tina Voorhees: Detective Doody stayed with me for a while, and he never
did catch the guy who was stalking me. I mean, this guy even broke into
my house and stole my underwear. What kind of a maniac does that?
***
Detective Doody: I stayed in that woman's house for what seemed like an
eternity, and she never did let me into her pants. I felt cheated. It
completely messed with my emotions, man. I mean, I'm a pimp. I'm like
Marvin Gaye. I need a little sexual healing sometimes.
***
Tina Voorhees: One night, while Detective Doody was staying with me, I
heard something. I was so frightened.
***
Flashback:
Tina was lying in bed, trying to get to sleep. That's when she
heard a loud clanging noise coming from downstairs.
Tina: Well, what the hell?
Tina got out of bed and stepped out into the hall. She walked into
the guest room, where Detective Doody was sleeping. She realized that
the detective was talking in his sleep.
Detective Doody: Yeah, that's right. Take off your bra. Let me see what
you've got. Oh, my goodness. You have four titties? I've never seen
that before.
Tina walked over to the bed and screamed in Detective Doody's ear
as loud as she could. The detective quickly jumped out of bed.
Detective Doody: Tina, what the hell do you want? I was having a nice
dream before you woke my black ass up.
Tina: So I heard. I think that there's someone downstairs.
Detective Doody: Who?
Tina: How the hell am I supposed to know? I'm not psychic. However, I
did play a psychic in When Psychic's Heads Explode.
Detective Doody: Ooh, I saw that movie.
Tina: You did?
Detective Doody: Yes. That's the worst movie that I've ever seen, too.
And I saw Showgirls.
Tina: I think that my stalker is in this house. I heard something.
Detective Doody: Well, what the hell am I supposed to do about it? I
ain't a detective.
Tina: Yes you are, you dumbass.
Detective Doody: Oh, right. I forgot. Oh, no. I left my gun back at my
office.
Tina: Well, that's stupid.
Detective Doody: Stupid is as stupid does, sweetheart. Do you have a
gun in the house?
Tina: Of course not.
Detective Doody: Do you have any weapons that we could use against a
psycho?
Tina: I have a baseball bat in my bedroom.
Detective Doody: Yeah, that'll work. Go get it.
Tina walked out of the guest room. A few seconds later, she came
back with a large baseball bat.
Detective Doody: Okay, let's go get this punk.
Tina: I feel like I'm in Cagney & Lacy. I want to be Cagney.
Detective Doody: I guess that makes me Lacy.
Detective Doody and Tina quietly walked downstairs. Both of them
could hear movement in the living room. The detective turned to Tina
and began whispering softly.
Detective Doody: I think that the bastard's in here.
Tina: Tell me something that I don't know.
Detective Doody: I once stuck a broomstick up my ass.
Tina: Okay, that's something that I didn't want to know.
Detective Doody: It hurt like hell, too.
Tina: You flip on the light. I'll hit the sucker with this baseball
bat, okay.
Detective Doody: Sounds like a plan to me.
Detective Doody turned on the light. Before Tina could even focus
on whoever was in the room, she began pounding on the person with the
baseball bat.
Tina: Die, you crazy psycho. Die, die.
Detective Doody: Stop, Tina. Stop. Woman down. Woman down.
Tina dropped the baseball bat and gazed down in horror as she saw
her mother lying on the floor. Tina could tell that her mother was in
pain.
Annie: I'm in such pain. I feel like I've been beaten with a baseball
bat.
Detective Doody: Uh, that's because you have been.
Annie: What were you trying to do, Tina? Kill me?
Tina: No. I thought that you were my stalker. What the hell are you
doing here, anyway?
Detective Doody: Yeah, that's what I'd like to know. You know that you
can be arrested for breaking and entering.
Tina: She has a key, you idiot.
Detective Doody: Oh, my mistake.
Annie: I just came over here to use your bathroom. Your father broke
the toilet again. I swear, that man has broken the toilet seventeen
times this week.
Detective Doody: I do that sometimes myself. After I have a few
burritos, you better watch out.
Tina: Do you mind, Detective? This is serious business.
Detective Doody: Sorry. I'll be good.
Tina: Mom, you drove five hundred miles just to use my bathroom.
Annie: Yes. What's wrong with that?
Tina: It's crazy.
Detective Doody: Yeah, I should arrest you for insanity.
Annie: Oh, please don't have me arrested. I won't do it again. I
promise.
Detective Doody: Jeez, I was only kidding. Can't you take a joke?
Annie: No, I can't.
***
Tina Voorhees: Later on, I signed a deal with John Craven to star in
one hundred movies with his production company, Crappy Films.
***
John Craven: Tina is the best thing that has ever happened to Crappy
Films. Because of her, the company has become quite profitable. I mean,
the movies are definitely crap. Still, everyone watches them just to
see Tina. She's a star. It doesn't hurt that she's nude in most of the
movies, either.
***
Tina Voorhees: I have starred in so many movies in the last few years
that I've lost count. Let's see, I was in Pussies from Hell. I was in
Stab or be Stabbed. I was in Talking Severed Heads. I was in Attack of
the Killer Mushrooms. I was in Slutty Grandmother's with Chainsaws. I
was in Psycho Lesbians From Space, and so many more. I think that the
movies that I'm most proud of are the sequels, though.
***
John Craven: I've bought the rights to many horror series', including
the Scream series, the Friday the 13th series, and the Halloween
series.
***
Tina Voorhees: The first sequel that I did was Scream 4: Sidney's
Revenge.
***
John Craven: We had a lot of problems getting Scream 4 off the ground.
Not only did David Arquette and Courtney Cox decline from coming back,
but Neve Campbell didn't come back as well. We had to get porn star
Jenna Jameson to play Sidney.
***
Tina Voorhees: It was a lot of fun working with Jenna Jameson. I think
that she's a great actress and she should have won an Academy Award for
I Dream of Jenna. That was an excellent film.
***
John Craven: Don't get me wrong, I think that Jenna Jameson is a very
beautiful woman. I'd bang her in a second. She just couldn't scream or
act scared to save her life.
***
Tina Voorhees: In Scream 4, I played Sidney's long lost sister, Kidney.
I came to Woodsboro to kill Sidney. The next movie I did was Halloween
69: Michael Get's Lucky and then Dies. That was a lot of fun to work
on. I got to get it on with Michael Myers. It was so kinky.
***
John Craven: The critics have never been kind to my movies, but they
tore Halloween 69 apart. Los Angeles Times said "Halloween 69 is so bad
that it will make you want to kill your whole family and then
yourself." Entertainment Weekly said "I would actually rather be killed
by Michael Myers one hundred times than have to watch this movie
again." And finally, Roger Ebert said "I imagine Halloween 69 is what
hell would be like... only ten times worse." And those were some of the
nicer reviews. I can't repeat what the other critics said, because I
don't use bad language except for when I'm pissed off or mad as shit.
***
Tina Voorhees: The critics hated Halloween 69, naturally. My friends
loved it, though. Of course, they were all high when they saw it.
***
John Craven: I think the reason that so many people didn't like
Halloween 69 is because Michael dies in a very non-violent and stupid
way. They were all hoping that he would be decapitated or something
like that. That's not how it happened, though. Michael has sex with a
prostitute, played by Tina of course. He then has a heart attack and
dies. I guess that the sex was a little too much for the guy.
***
Tina Voorhees: The last movie that I did was Friday the 13th, part
1,013: Jason's Mother Returns. I got to play Mrs. Voorhees, so I had to
have a lot of makeup because I was supposed to be really old in this
movie.
***
John Craven: Friday the 13th, part 1,013 is our best reviewed movie to
date. One critic actually kind of liked it. Peter Pumpkineater said
"Sure it's a really bad movie, but it's also a really entertaining
movie." That's the best review that any of my movies have ever gotten.
***
SCENE FROM FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART 1,013: JASON'S MOTHER RETURNS
Jason was holding his machete, ready to kill the naked teenage girl
who was standing up against a tree. The girl was crying and shaking
like a leaf. Jason turned around when he heard a noise. He dropped the
machete when he saw his mother standing there.
Mrs. Voorhees: Do you remember me, Jason? Do you? I'm your freakin'
mother, baby. I'm the woman who breast fed you for seven long years.
And my titties were exhausted by that time, too. Come here, Jason. Come
give your dear, sweet mother a hug. Come touch my sagging breasts,
Jason.
Jason walked over to his mother and put his arms around her. He
began crying.
Mrs. Voorhees: There, there. Don't cry, my sweet Jason. Now take off
that hockey mask. I want to give you a big, juicy kiss.
***
Tina Voorhees: I have several more movies on the way. Right now, I'm
working on Psycho Bitches of the Caribbean. Then I have The Killer
Farts Invade Assville coming out after that. That movie is about people
being killed by deadly farts in a small town called Assville. Then
after that, I'm going to be working on Night of the Killer Titties 2:
The Titties Return. So, I'm a pretty busy girl. I'm busy working on
some horrible movies, that's for sure.
***
Annie Voorhees: I'm proud of Tina. I really am. I think that she has
done so much, and I think that she will continue to be successful no
matter how bad her movies are. I especially look forward to seeing
Night of the Killer Titties 2. I actually liked the first one. I
thought that it was a pretty sweet film. My favorite part of Night of
the Killer Titties was when Tina's breasts came alive and strangled an
old man while he was sitting on the crapper. I thought that was a very
innovative scene.
***
Steve Voorhees: I have mixed feelings about Tina being an actress. I
mean, sure she's making a lot of money. But she's in horror movies, for
God's sake. They are evil, evil movies that are full of violence. Now,
if she would have chosen to be a porn star I would have been okay with
that. But horror movies, come on.
***
John Craven: I think that Tina is a really bad actress. I won't deny
that. She couldn't act her way out of a paper bag. But I think that
she's a really good bad actress, and I think that she will continue to
star in the bad movies that I produce. I mean, my production company
isn't called Crappy Films for nothing. My production company is called
Crappy Films because that's what I make. I make crappy films.
***
Detective Doody: I think that Tina's movies stink, personally. However,
the fact that she's fine as hell is a plus. Man, I'd love to tap that
white ass one time. Now, I have to go. I have a date with Britney
Spears and Christina Aguilera. Yes, I am a pimp. Peace out, my homies.
***
Tina Voorhees (crying): I'm sorry for crying again. I know everyone out
there must think that I'm a complete cry baby. It's just that I feel so
blessed to have been given the chance to take this journey. I have
starred in over ninety horrible, horrible movies and I wouldn't have it
any other way. I thank God for the chance that I've been given. And I
thank all of you out there for watching my crappy films. I love you,
all. I love you from the bottom of my achy breaky heart.
***
Dick Big: There, you have it. Tina Voorhees: Profile of a Bad Horror
Movie Actress. Next week on Profile, we're going inside the life of gay
porn star, Bob Anal, who just found out that he is pregnant with his
second child. I hope that it's a boy. Here's a preview of next week's
show.
***
PREVIEW OF NEXT WEEK'S PROFILE: BOB ANAL
Bob Anal: I always knew that I wanted to be a porn star. I mean, I get
paid for getting it up the ass and for giving blowjobs. How awesome is
that, baby? I want to give a shoutout to my son, Rectum, who is
watching at home. I'll be home soon, honey. I'll be home after I'm
finished working on my new movie, Boys Will Screw Boys.
***
Dick Big: That was just a tiny preview of next week's show. It looks
interesting, doesn't it. Well, I'll see all of you next week. Goodbye
and thanks for watching Profile on channel 69, the only channel that's
better than sex.
Dick gasped when Detective Doody walked into the studio, holding a
small pistol. The detective had the pistol aimed at Dick's head.
Dick Big: Hey, you can't be in here.
Detective Doody: Think again, Dicky.
Dick Big: What is the meaning of this? Why do you have a gun, for
Christ's sake? Put that thing down. You're going to hurt someone, man.
Detective Doody: That's the idea. You're going down, buddy.
Dick Big: What are you talking about? Someone get my lawyer.
Detective Doody: Man, nobody can get your lawyer. We're the only two in
here, Dick Little.
Dick Big: Hey, I'm Dick Big.
Detective Doody: That's not what I heard. I heard that you were only
two inches. And that's when you have an erection.
Dick Big: Who told you that? And why are you attacking me? I didn't do
anything.
Detective Doody: You are being arrested for stalking bad horror movie
actress Tina Voorhees. She's been in more bad horror movies than me. Of
course, I haven't ever been in a bad horror movie. Well, I haven't been
in any movies come to think of it.
Dick Big: I don't know what you're talking about. I've never been
anywhere near that wretched actress.
Detective Doody: Oh, really. I searched your home. You have pictures of
Tina all over your bedroom wall.
Dick Big: So? I'm a fan.
Detective Doody: Oh, you're a fan. That's funny. I thought you just
said that she was a wretched actress.
Dick Big: I have a thing for bad actresses. What are you going to do?
Shoot me?
Detective Doody: Maybe. I also found Tina's underwear in your bedroom.
Explain that, smart guy.
Dick Big: Uh, oh. You caught me.
Detective Doody: You're damn right I caught you. I caught your white
ass red-handed.
Dick Big: But you don't understand. I am obsessed with Tina. I want to
marry her. I want to have sex with her in a giant pool of lime Jell-O.
Detective Doody: Shut up. You have the right to remain silent, bitch.
What do you have to say about that?
Dick Big: I don't know. I...
Detective Doody: I thought I told you to shut up, white man.
Dick Big: I like it when you talk dirty to me.
Detective Doody: And I like it when you don't talk to me at all. So
just shut your piehole. Now, it's time for me to take your white,
wrinkled ass to jail. I think that you'll like it there. I hear it's
real easy to get laid.
Dick Big: No. I can't go to jail.
Detective Doody: And why the hell not?
Dick Big: I don't want to be anally raped by big, beefy men who are
covered in tattoos.
Detective Doody: Well, you should have thought about that before you
started stalking folks. Now, cooperate or I'll bust a cap in your white
ass.
Dick and Detective Doody turned around, when they heard footsteps.
They looked on in surprise as they saw Tina Voorhees standing there,
holding a water gun.
Detective Doody: Tina, what the hell are you doing here?
Tina Voorhees: I don't know. Why don't you tell me? You're the
detective.
Detective Doody: And why the hell do you have a water gun? A water gun
won't even hurt a fly, much less a human being.
Tina Voorhees: I don't own a pistol, remember. I'm just holding this
water gun so that I can feel like a tough chick. Like Sigourney Weaver
in Aliens. Like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. Like Pam Grier in Foxy
Brown. Like Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween: H20. Like Neve Campbell
in...
Detective Doody: Okay, we get the freakin' picture. You want to be
tough. Now can you please put down the water gun? Let's talk or go for
a walk or something.
Tina Voorhees: I don't think so. It's time to say goodbye, Detective.
Detective Doody: But why, white girl? What did I do?
Tina Voorhees: I can't remember, but it'll come to me.
Tina raised her water gun and sprayed Detective Doody in the face.
The detective cried out as he felt the cold water streaming down his
face.
Detective Doody: Oh, it's on now. Nobody gets me wet.
Detective Doody pointed his pistol at Tina and shot her in the
chest. Tina fell to the floor, holding on to her bleeding chest.
Tina Voorhees: I was only acting, Detective. I was rehearsing a line
from my next movie, Psycho Bitches of the Caribbean. It wasn't real. I
had no intentions of hurting you. I love you, Detective. I've loved you
ever since I first saw you with that ketchup on your chin.
Detective Doody: I kind of sort of love you too, baby. I'm sorry that I
shot you. Maybe I can make it up to you sometime.
Tina: I don't think so. I'm dying, Detective Doody. You shot me. Now, I
die.
Detective Doody and Dick watched in sadness as Tina died. Detective
Doody was crying. Dick put his arm around the detective to comfort him.
Detective Doody: She was just acting, Dicky. That means that she could
have been a good actress. That was a really good performance. I
actually believed that she wanted me dead. I can't believe that I shot
the one woman that I ever kind of sort of loved.
Dick Big: I know, I know. Does this mean that I'm free to go?
Detective Doody: Who told you to talk?
Dick Big: Nobody, but....
Detective Doody: Shut up. I'm taking your white ass to jail if it's the
last damn thing that I do.
***
Christina Cletoris: Hello, I'm Christina Cletoris for channel 69 news.
I have bad news for all of you fans of really awful horror movies. The
reigning queen of bad movies, Tina Voorhees, was shot and killed
tonight. We spoke with John Craven, head of Crappy Films, about her
shocking death.
***
John Craven: It's awful, just awful. I can't believe it. I can't
believe that Tina Voorhees is dead. Now who's going to star in my
crappy films? I guess that I could ask Madonna. Hell, if she was in
Swept Away she'll be in anything.
***
Christina Cletoris: That was John Craven, head of Crappy Films. Coming
up after the break, we'll talk to a man who has three butts, two
penises, and a vagina. Believe me, you don't want to touch that dial.
***
Christina Cletoris: Well, I hope that you enjoyed that commercial
break. I know that I did. Now, I have Tony Dickhead in the studio.
Tony, tell the audience at home what you told me just a few minutes
ago.
Tony Dickhead: Okay, but it's not easy you know.
Christina Cletoris: Just tell them, damn it. This is only a thirty
minute program.
Tony Dickhead: Okay, okay. Don't get your panties all in a bunch, for
Christ's sake. I have three asses, two penises, and a vagina. Are you
happy now?
Christina Cletoris: And what made you decide to finally tell your
story?
Tony Dickhead: What story? I just came down here so that I could meet
you, foxy lady. I think your very hot and sexy. You have big titties,
yes you do. Let me squeeze them, just once. I promise that I will be
gentle.
Christina Cletoris: Uh, no. Well, that's all we have for tonight. Join
me tomorrow on Channel 69 news as I talk to a woman who was sexually
molested by her pet goldfish, if you can believe that. Also, author
Darlene Snooty will be here discussing her new book "101 Ways To Know
If You're Spouse is Psychotic." Goodnight, everyone.
Tony Dickhead: Do you have a bathroom here? I've got to take a piss.
Christina Cletoris: We're still on the air, Tony.
Tony Dickhead: What the hell do I care? I'll tell the whole wide world.
I've got to pee like a racehorse. I must get to a bathroom quickly. Uh,
oh. Too late. I seem to have wet myself.
Christina Cletoris: Tony, you are one stupid retard.
Tony Dickhead: Oh, my. I love it when you talk mean, yes I do. It makes
me horny, yes it does. Would you like to see me naked? Huh, would you?
Two penises is better than one, ain't it. Would you like to see my
three asses? I'm one hairy animal. I've got more hair on my butts than
you have on your head. Does that turn you on, foxy lady? Does it? Oh, I
could sure go for some hot sex right about now. I'm so horny that I
could screw a horse, yes I could.
Christina Cletoris: I swear that I'm going to quit this job one day.
I'm surrounded by freaks.
Tony Dickhead: I'm so horny that I could screw Janet Reno, yes I could.
And you have to be pretty horny to want to screw that ugly broad, yes
you do. Yes you do.
***
Christina Cletoris: Hello, I'm Christina Cletoris and you're watching
channel 69 news. Coming up in a few minutes, we have the woman who was
sexually molested by her pet goldfish. You don't want to miss this
outrageous story. Also, we have author Darlene Snooty here to give us
some insight on how to know if our spouses are psychos. But first, as
all of you know, bad horror movie actress Tina Voorhees was shot and
killed last night. We have her parents, Annie and Steve, here in the
studio. How are you two doing?
Annie Voorhees: How do you think we're doing, you idiot? Our only child
was killed by that inept detective last night. I swear I'm going to
kick his ass.
Steve: Relax, honey. I told you to take your medication.
Annie Voorhees: Oh, shut up Steve or I'll kick your ass too.
Christina Cletoris: Okay, calm down. This is the channel 69 news, not
the Jerry Springer show.
Annie Voorhees: Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just a little worked up, that's
all.
Christina Cletoris: That's perfectly understandable. Now, is there
anything that the two of you would like to say tonight.
Annie Voorhees: Yes. I have spoken with John Craven, who is the head of
the production company, Crappy Films. We have agreed that I will take
Tina's place as the star of Crappy Films. I'm going to be an actress,
baby. I'm going to be huge. I'm going to be the next Traci Lords.
Christina Cletoris: Okay, just shut up for a second. What about the
films that call for nudity? A lot of the movies that John Craven
produces are just oozing with nudity.
Annie Voorhees: Hey, if I have to show the world my baggy titties then
I will. Yeah, I'm sixty years old and I'm going to show off my baggy
titties. Woo hoo. All of you are going to love it, baby.
Steve Voorhees: Now wait just one minute. I don't want you showing off
your disgusting breasts to the whole world.
Annie Voorhees: And just what the hell are you going to do about it?
Steve Voorhees: I'll divorce you if it comes to that.
Annie Voorhees: Oh, you wouldn't. You don't have the balls.
Steve Voorhees: Try me.
Christina Cletoris: Okay, I've had just about enough of this shit.
Bring in the goldfish lady.
Tony Dickhead: Did someone say goldfish lady?
Christina Cletoris: Tony, what the hell are you doing here? And where's
that woman who was sexually molested by her goldfish?
Tony Dickhead: I killed her, yes I did. Yes I did.
Christina Cletoris: You what?
Tony Dickhead: Well, I didn't mean to. It was an accident, yes it was.
Christina Cletoris: What do you mean?
Tony Dickhead: Well, I farted. The smell must have killed the woman.
Oh, yeah. That author lady is dead too. You have two dead women in the
building, yes you do. Yes you do.
Christina Cletoris: Tony Dickhead, this is inexcusable.
Annie Voorhees: I'll say.
Tony Dickhead: Who the hell are you?
Annie Voorhees: I'm Annie Voorhees, soon to be actress.
Tony Dickhead: Oh, I think that you're really hot and sexy. Yes I do,
yes I do. Can I see your titties?
Christina Cletoris: Tony, do you realize that you are hitting on a
sixty year old woman?
Tony Dickhead: Oh, I don't care if she's sixty or one hundred and
sixty. I'll do anyone who's alive, yes I will.
Christina Cletoris: Tony, get out now. I want you to leave this
building and never come back.
Tony Dickhead: Okay, okay. Tony Dickhead has left the building. But
I'll be back, baby. Yes I will, yes I will. I'll be back with freakin'
bells on. Yes I will.
Christina Cletoris: Okay, that's all we have time for. Thank you Mr.
and Mrs. Voorhees for stopping by.
Annie Voorhees: And remember to catch me in some bad movies, real soon.
I'm going to own Hollywood. You better believe it, baby.
Christina Cletoris: Join me tomorrow as I talk to a woman who can fart
the alphabet. Until then, goodnight and thank you for watching channel
69.
THE END
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