"The Manchu Terror!"
Buckaroo Banzai Thriller # 88

an original screenplay by Sydney Cuthbert

based on characters created

by Earl Mac Rauch

©2001					ragamuffin dreamworx
						1167 to lani farm road
							stone mountain, ga 30083
							404.297.8342

e-mail: sydneycuthbert@hotmail.com

FADE IN:

EXT. DESERT - DAY

An iguana on a bleached cattle skull.  Tumbleweed rolls toward a sprawling, ramshackle ghost town.  A swarm of Apaches sweep like angry dragonflies past picturesque Old West ruins, toward a modular facility.  SUPER:

AREA 51.  SOUTHWESTERN UNITED STATES.

Armed troops patrol a barbed wire perimeter with guard dogs . . . armored vehicles are everywhere.

An Apache settles beside what looks like a ceramic slinky, hundreds of yards long, two stories high.  Heat-suited techs move purposefully around the coiled accelerator.  Powerful generators whine.

INT. AREA 51 - BUNKER - MAIN CONTROL LEVEL - DAY

PROFESSOR TOICHI HIKITA, early sixties, enters, flanked by armed, armored Deltas.

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE McKINLEY confers with a group of scientists, Military VIPs at a complex console array.  He looks up, sees Hikita stop at a console, a large briefcase handcuffed to one wrist.

Hikita sits, a Delta unlocks the cuffs.  Hikita looks up as McKinley glances at his watch, annoyed.

MCKINLEY
Happy you could make it, Professor.  
I take it we can finally get this 
dog and pony show on the road?

Hikita opens the case, removes a device that might be at home aboard the USS Enterprise.  Lots of crystal, and metal, and engraved circuits.  PENNY PRIDDY, a darkly-beautiful, lab-coated Goth Girl with tasteful piercings, helps Hikita carefully insert it into a cradle.

MCKINLEY
You sure she's got clearance?  
Y'know, this's a highly sensitive, 
top secret military operation.

They ignore him, working intently at side-by-side instrument panels.

MCKINLEY
Just because she's Banzai's girlfr --

PENNY
Look!  Either shut him up, or shut
'im down!  We're busy people here!

Deltas move in, give McKinley the skunk eye.  He grumbles, but backs down.  Penny shakes her head, disgusted.
PENNY
. . . if ever I saw an argument 
FOR legal abortion . . .

The device tilts, locks in place.  Several rows of MINIATURE POWER COILS begin to glow in succession.  Hikita and Penny nod tensely to each other.  Around the room, super-high-tech equipment THRUMMS to life.  VIOLET ANGEL-LIGHT bathes the room.

Hikita watches a huge, multi-locked vault door as it starts to swing open.  Inside is a BLAZING INFERNO OF LIGHT.

EXT. AREA 51 - COMPLEX GROUNDS - DAY

Activity has been revved up a notch.  Soldiers, heat-suited techs run toward modular enclosures, sliding doors close over them.  The accelerator coils glow, PURPLE-WHITE ENERGY discharges skyward.  Clouds begin to gather above the facility, dark, roiling, fearsome.

A Marine impatiently waves a large tanker into the hangar.  Huge steel doors clang shut behind it.

INT. AREA 51 - BUNKER - TOPSIDE

Techs hustle about, making last minute preparations, as a squad of Soldiers approaches the tanker.  A swarthy Asiatic driver opens the cab door, his head down, cap pulled low.

SOLDIER
You're late.  We'll take it from --

The Driver kicks him in his throat.  As he falls, the sinister Asian hits a dash switch -- Soldiers run for the truck -- suddenly the tank section erupts -- spewing THICK GREEN GAS . . .

The Driver slips on a gas mask as Soldiers and Techs fall, gasping.  The back of the tanker splits open, and a small army of NINJA-LIKE BRAVOS leaps out.

INT. AREA 51 - BUNKER - MAIN CONTROL LEVEL

Hikita and Penny oversee final preparations, while McKinley scowls, mumbles from a corner.  Hikita snaps instructions to several assistants in Japanese.
PROF. HIKITA
All waves synchronized.  Nexus 
matrix stabilized.  Well . . . 
shall we?

Penny smiles, squeezes his hand.

PENNY
No time like the present.

They activate the mechanism.  A POWERFUL WHINE builds --

THE MAIN DOOR BLOWS OFF ITS HINGES!  Everyone jumps to their feet, as scores of deadly Bravos swarm in, AUTOMATIC WEAPONS BLAZING.  Caught by surprise, the Deltas are wiped out to a man.

Bravos mount the control platform, drag Penny, Hikita, the others away.  Penny balks, but Hikita pulls her back, shakes his head.  Bravos jump to the dimly-lit control stations, checking readouts.

LO PEP -- a weasely little Mongolian thug, WITH AN INTRICATELY TATTOOED FACE, and one milky white eye -- smirks at Hikita and Penny.

PROF. HIKITA
Uhm.  I thought I smelled something
foul.

LO PEP
Your upper lip, pops.  Where's 
Banzai?

PENNY
Kiss my --

PROF. HIKITA
He had other plans.

Lo Pep smirks, clucks like a chicken.  He yells something in Mongolian, the Bravos line up before the vault.  He turns back to Hikita and Penny.

LO PEP
(sings)
Time -- is on my side, yes it 
is . . .

The ponderous vault swings fully open.  Inside is an AWESOME, SWIRLING TEMPORAL VORTEX.  In its corruscating rings, DIFFERENT AGES OVERLAP . . . shifting, melding, RIPPLING WITH LIQUID GRACE. Lo Pep gapes at the awesome sight, a Bravo says something in Malaysian.  Lo Pep nods, bends over the console.
PENNY
I wouldn't do that if I were you.

LO PEP
If you were me, you'd have a better 
fashion sense.

He activates the sequence.  Slowly, THE VORTEX SOLIDIFIES.  TIME RINGS FORM A TUNNEL branching in all directions, through the ages.  Bravos shield their eyes.

LO PEP
Set co-ordinates for 1776.  
Philadelphia.  We've got some 
history to re-write.

BUCKAROO (OS)
I doubt they can even spell 
Philadelphia, weasel.

Lo Pep looks up, stunned.

BUCKAROO BANZAI IS SILHOUETTED in the time vortex's shimmering light, in an 1800's U.S. Cavalry outfit, a japanese headband, twin pearl-handled six-shooters, with a samurai sword slung across his back, his arms folded as he regards the invaders.

LO PEP
They can spell pain!  Get 'im!

Bravos surge forward.  Suddenly -- there's a TERRIFIC EXPLOSION overhead.  Lo Pep looks up -- just in time to see Team Banzai abseil down through the ceiling, their WEAPONS BLAZING.

Lo Pep snarls at Buckaroo, who mimes jacking off.  Both sides CLASH in dazzling hand-to-hand, BLAZING weapons combat --

Penny shucks her labcoat, revealing Team Banzai combat fatigues underneath.  She leaps over a console, kicks a Bravo in the head.  The savage, deadly Bravos surge forward, in overwhelming numbers.  Buckaroo blows on a bugle -- a moment later, MOUNTED U.S. CAVALRY TROOPS surge out of the time tunnel, SOUNDING THE CHARGE.

Buckaroo battles with the crafty Lo Pep, who expertly swings double butterfly swords.  Buckaroo kicks them out of his hands.  Lo Pep triggers a canister on his bandolier.  THICK SMOKE ENGULFS HIM, Buckaroo stumbles back, grabs for him, coughing --

Lo Pep's MOCKING LAUGHTER ECHOES from above.  Buckaroo looks up to see him hurtle upward on a grappling hook line, disappearing into the hole Team Banzai came out of.

The Bravos are subdued.  PERFECT TOMMY, slick, handsome, mercurial, RENO, dapper, dark, kinetic, and a grinning, lanky, boyish NEW JERSEY join Buckaroo as he kisses Peggy.

RENO
Welcome home, Boss.  Bring me a 
t-shirt?

NEW JERSEY
Hey, what about the Schrodinger's 
Cat paradox?  You re-writing future 
history?

BUCKAROO
They promised not to tell.  If you 
can't trust the U.S. Cavalry . . . 
'sides, if we send 'em back to a 
couple moments BEFORE I brought 
'em . . .

They smile, commence mopping-up.  The Cavalry Sgt. looks around in awe at the incredible installation.  He salutes Buckaroo, wheels his horse, they gallop into the tunnel.  McKinley peeps out from hiding, sidles out, pretending he was there all along.

EXT. A DESERT PLATEAU - DAY

A TALON-NAILED HAND grips an ornately-carved DRAGON-HEADED CANE.  Jeweled rings glinting in the desert sun, HANOI SHAN, THE MANCHU TERROR, glares at the distant facility, surrounded by several of his Bravo bodyguards.  His dark eyes blaze with unbounded hatred.

SHAN
. . . Banzai!

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - CRYO-SUSPENSION CHAMBER - DAY

Beneath the BB logo, Buckaroo quietly regards Rawhide's frozen body.  It's a high-tech, state-of-the-art chamber that's also full of candles, incense, japanese scrolls.  Above Rawhide's capsule/sarcophogus an engraved plaque reads:

"IF IT AIN'T ONE THING, IT'S ANOTHER".

PECOS, a comely Tibetan female enters.  After a moment Buckaroo stirs from his meditation.  He looks at his dead friend's body with a great deal of fraternity . . . and a good portion of sorrow.

PECOS
Y'know, Hikita-san still thinks the 
possibility of successful cloning's 
about eighty-seven percent . . . 
give or take.  We could --

BUCKAROO
-- never duplicate all the 
experiences . . . good and bad 
. . . that made him Rawhide.  
'Sides, it's morally agin the law.

PECOS
Nobody's written it down yet.  
Who'd know?

BUCKAROO
I would.  Remember Atlantis.  
Because we can doesn't mean we 
should.  Everybody up?

Pecos nods.  Buckaroo bows to Rawhide.

BUCKAROO
Sayonara, Pardner.

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - COMMAND CENTER

Team Banzai's on the job as Buckaroo, Pecos enter a stunning multi-level complex manned by all types, ages, races, moving with a relaxed, almost Zen-like efficiency.

Reno, Perfect Tommy peer over BIG NORSE's shoulder at a large holoscreen.  She's tall, black, beautiful, close-cropped blonde hair.  Cute, energetic little MRS. JOHNSON rollerblades by, her arms full of the morning mail, Buckaroo snags a lollipop out of her mouth, puts it in his.

BUCKAROO
Raspberry again?

She shrugs, smiles as she disappears through a doorway, and down a round, metallic tunnel.

PERFECT TOMMY
Well, well . . . nice of ya to 
join us, Buck.  Got enough sleep, 
did ya?

BUCKAROO
What time'd you get up, sport?

RENO
'Bout two minutes 'fore you walked 
in.

PERFECT TOMMY
Hey!  Was anybody talkin' to you?

BUCKAROO
(smiles)
S'okay, Tommy.  Without you, who'd 
maintain the tradition of senseless 
hedonism that the media expects 
from us?  'Sup?

BIG NORSE
Gonna be a rip snorter, Buckaroo.  
Accordin' to World Watch One, 
Junketeer's lookin' for a scrap, 
Ramses the Destroyer's up to 
somethin' that Sphinx.

RENO
(winces at the puns)
Aw, man, I thought those two bozos 
were still in max.  What happened?

BUCKAROO
T.O.F.G.B, I reckon.  So much for 
a quiet day by the pool, guys.  
Saddle up, let's rock 'n' roll.

PERFECT TOMMY
Say, Buck, how's come we never get 
time off?  All work an' no boom-
boom . . .

RENO
Awww . . . didn't dial a floozy 
deliver last night?

Perfect Tommy punches him, they wrestle as the group heads for the door.  New Jersey galumps down the stairs, holding a glossy, colorful brochure in his hand, beaming from ear-to-ear.

NEW JERSEY
Hey, hey, hey -- just got our 
invites to the 423rd Annual Wold-
Newton Family Reunion and Strategic 
Barbeque.  This one's gonna be held 
in Dinotopia.

PECOS
Cool beans.

BUCKAROO
We're not entertainment again, are 
we?  Good.  Everybody ready?

RENO
What about breakfast?

PERFECT TOMMY
You need to watch what you eat, 
anyhow.  Yer lookin' --

RENO
Good looks happen to run in my 
family.

PERFECT TOMMY
Sure ran past you --

Reno jumps on him.  Buckaroo shakes his head as they exit.

EXT. MALAYSIA - JUNGLE/MOUNTAIN FORTRESS - NIGHT

WEIRD ANIMAL CRIES echo through a thick, steaming jungle.

EXT. SABAH - FORTRESS COURTYARD - NIGHT

Bravos practice savage empty hand, weapons combat.  TITLE:

HANOI SHAN'S FORTRESS CITADEL . . . SABAH!

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

ANCIENT TORTURE DEVICES are side-by-side with GLEAMING, 21st-CENTURY MACHINES.  Rows of Bravos turn crisply as Shan enters, flanked by Lo Pep and a DARK, SINUOUS FEMALE.  Before the Throne is a huge, inlaid pit, eldritch sigils glowing around its edge.

DRUMS beat as Shan regally assumes his Throne.  They salute the insidious Monarch of Menace with swords, automatic weapons.

At center court is a gnarled tree, with COUNTLESS MUMMIFIED EAR TOPS nailed to it.  Two sweating RECRUITS in loincloths, strange markings painted on their bodies, cling precariously by toes, fingertips to its top, grimacing in pain, doing their best not to cry out.

Recruit 1 slips, revealing that BOTH OF THEM HAVE THEIR RIGHT EARS NAILED TO THE TREE.  His ear rips -- he cries out, looks down, his sweat-soaked face contorted in terror.

RECRUIT 1
. . . No!  Mercy, Master!  Mer --

Lo Pep slings a serrated knife into his throat, pinning him to the tree.  Recruit 2 steels himself, shuts his eyes.  After a pause . . . Shan nods.
Recruit 2 pulls the knife out of 1's neck, cuts the top off his own ear as 1's body falls to the ground.  He bites his lip to keep from crying out, climbs down, and stands before Shan, shaken but proud.

RECRUIT 2
By Hassan Al Sabah . . . In the 
name of Abd Al'Hazrad . . . I walk 
the Hidden Paths . . . I serve 
only Hanoi Shan -- Eater of SOULS!

Bravos pull back their hoods -- ALL OF THEM have similarly mutilated right ears.  They shake their weapons fearsomely.

BRAVOS
KI-AI!

Recruit 2 receives a black uniform, sword.  He bows, a Bravo prepares a symbolic red headband, glances at Shan . . . who nods slightly.

The Bravo snaps the headband against Recruit 2's bloody ear.  He cries out -- there is dead silence.

THE PASHA OF THREE TAILS -- exotic, muscular, in snake scales, chrome, leather -- slinks out of the shadows beside Shan.  THREE METAL-WRAPPED, RAZOR-TIPPED, WAIST-LENGTH BRAIDS sway as if alive as she moves.

Recruit 2 panics amid a sea of stony Bravo faces.  Pasha slinks down the steps, Medusa incarnate.  He tries to retreat, is shoved toward her by scowling Bravos.

They circle, their eyes locked.  He blinks away sweat, her head snaps around -- the deadly braids LASH across his face.  He staggers back, but naked steel bars his way.  Her braids strike savagely, he falls.

He cringes, as she circles, her hips swaying, smiling sensuously.  He scrabbles for the knife, cocks his arm --

The Whip-braids rake his face and torso!  He SCREAMS -- the knife falls from his nerveless fingers.  She LASHES him in a SPRAY OF BLOODY FLESH.  Raw, bloody, he crawls to the pit's edge, gets to his knees, raises a supplicating hand to Shan.

SHAN
We have no use for yelping dogs.

The lethal Braids jerk his legs from under him -- he plunges into the pit . . . SCREAMS as leprous tentacles grab him.  CRUNCHING.  Lo Pep drops Recruit 2's ear top in after him.

SHAN
Next.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - TIMES SQUARE - DAY

A horrifying ROAR splits the air -- there are crushed cars, smashed storefronts, stampeding crowds.  A 20' Godzilla-like (new version) beast CRASHES to the pavement.  It tries to rise -- BLASTS of electrical energy tear at it.

It HOWLS -- shudders, lies stunned.  People begin to emerge from hiding.  Team Banzai approaches the dazed beast slowly, covering it with their high-tech weapons.  The area is a mess.

NAPIER (OS)
I think that will do nicely . . .
lights!

INT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - SENATE GALLERY - DAY

It's slam-packed with Media, Congresspeople.  Perfect Tommy, Reno, New Jersey, in camo-paint, Team Banzai fatigues, lean against a wall in back.  They're tired, grimy, annoyed.  The previous scene plays on a large TV SCREEN.

PERFECT TOMMY
Aw man, do you b'lieve this crap?  
I tell ya, I never expected --

RENO
(sinister)
"No one expects the Spanish 
Inquisition . . ." byooohahahahah!

Perfect Tommy can't help a grin, jabs him with an elbow.

NEW JERSEY
Shh, shh . . . c'mon, guys.  I 
mean, I know it's a crock, but 
let's give this gathering the 
respect it's due.

They exchange a look, all bust out laughing.  The assembly buzzes at the image frozen on the huge screen.  It looks like the aftermath of the London blitz.  Buckaroo, in combat garb, eyeglasses, watches uncomfortably from the lectern.  In the audience, Hikita shakes his head in disgust.

SENATOR NAPIER peers over his glasses at Buckaroo, looking very much like a mongoose staring down a cobra.

NAPIER
Comment, Doctor Banzai?

BUCKAROO
Well . . . it, uh, it sort of 
speaks for itself, don't you 
think?

NAPIER
Very eloquently, Doctor.  Very 
eloquently. 
(to the assembly)
So much so, ladies and gentlemen, 
that I think you'll agree it 
underscores what I, and other 
responsible legislators have been 
saying all along.

RENO
A-n-n-n-d, they're off . . . !

Perfect Tommy, New Jersey whip out binoculars, pretend to watch an exciting race speeding around a track.

BUCKAROO
Uhm, excuse me, uhm, Senator 
Napier, we didn't have a whole 
lot of options.  When we got there, 
uhm, most of that had already gone 
down.  We --

NAPIER
So you figured -- "what the hell?" 
-- hah?  Just jumped right in there 
and did your level best to --

PROF. HIKITA
And what would you prefer, Senator?  
That we stay at home and watch it 
on the evening news?

Some laughter, applause from the assembly.

PROF. HIKITA
Not to mention the fact that Doctor 
Banzai spent several hours tending 
the wounded --

NAPIER
No one's denying the fact that you 
people do . . . some good from 
time to time, Professor Hikita.  
Lord knows, without the technology 
and weaponry developed by the 
Banzai Institute, we might indeed 
be hard pressed to maintain the 
status quo.

BUCKAROO
Exactly why we insist our 
discoveries remain under lock and 
key until we've had a chance to 
thoroughly test them.  Otherwise --

NAPIER
I'm sorry, Doctor, but isn't it 
just possible, that there are 
competent individuals outside the 
Banzai Institute who could do just 
as good a job of testing these, 
eh, devices?

BUCKAROO
I don't --

NAPIER
And isn't it also possible . . . 
that perhaps your reticence to 
allow this is more to maintain the 
Banzai Institute's aura of . . . 
how can I put it . . .

PERFECT TOMMY
(yells out)
Intelligence?

The room bursts into laughter.  Reno, New Jersey high-five Perfect Tommy.  McKinley shakes his head.  Hikita thrusts a fist in the air.  Napier glowers, turns back to Buckaroo.

NAPIER
Wouldn't it be more in the 
interests of National Secur --

BUCKAROO
Whoa, now, I'm sorry, Senator 
Napier, but to date, National 
Security's been responsible for 
more National INsecurity than 
anything the Banzai Institute's 
done.

Napier starts to protest.  Buckaroo's BEEPER sounds.  He glances at it, then at Hikita, who nods.

BUCKAROO
All other issues aside, we feel a 
moral responsibility to keep our 
technology out of the hands of 
less-than-scrupulous individuals.  
No offense.

Some appreciative laughter.  Napier eyes Buckaroo coldly.

NAPIER
Doctor Banzai, your cavalier 
attitude suggests to my mind that 
you're attempting to hide 
something.  That wouldn't be the 
case, would it?

BUCKAROO
The Mind's a funny thing, Senator.  
In the Summer it longs for Winter.  
In the Winter it longs for Summer.  
In the Spring . . . it heads for 
the Bahamas.
(holds the beeper up)
And now, Mr. Chairman, I'm afraid 
you're gonna have to excuse me.  
I'd love to stay and chat, but 
somewhere in the world, Evil rears 
its ugly head.  Ciao.

He and Hikita jog up the aisle to scattered applause.

NAPIER
Doctor Banzai -- DOCTOR BANZAI -- 
we're not through here -- may I 
remind you --

INT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - SENATE CORRIDOR

Penny joins Buckaroo, the Cavaliers.  She kisses Buckaroo.

PENNY
Mmmmm.  My Hero.

PERFECT TOMMY
That's tellin' 'em, sport.

RENO
Like it'll do any good.

NEW JERSEY
Hey, c'mon, Reno, the Old Guard 
can't last forever.  I mean, 
sooner or later, new blood'll come 
along . . . shake up the status 
quo.  Process of evolution.

BUCKAROO
In the meantime, who's hungry?  
What d'you say we grab some grub 
before we gotta dash off an' save 
the world again, huh?

PENNY
Righteous.

NEW JERSEY
Yeah, okay, as, as long as it's 
not Mex.
(off Tommy's look)
Gives me gas.

PERFECT TOMMY
(as they exit)
Can't ya squeeze 'em together, or 
somethin'?

INT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - SENATE GALLERY

NAPIER
Insolent little punk . . .

McKINLEY
I told you you were wasting your 
time, Senator.  Banzai's --

NAPIER
About to get his snotty little ass 
handed to him.  Know what I mean, 
Johnny boy?

McKINLEY
Hunh?  Oh, well, I, uh, I suppose 
we could try to subpoena his 
records aga --

NAPIER
Baby shit!  You get my memo?  
Good.  Twenty two hundred.  My 
office.  Hush-hush.

EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - HOTEL - DAY

Mounted Police keep a huge, enthusiastic crowd behind barricades.  A CHEER goes up as World Watch One arrives.

INT. HOTEL - FOYER

Team Banzai, adored, make their way to the dining room, watched by BAKED ALASKA, a scowling Inuit shaman.  Penny suddenly stops, looks around.  Alaska is gone.  She shrugs, follows the others in.  

Across the lobby is a large banquet room.  On a sign in front of the door:

"ECOLOGICAL VALIDATION of INTERNATIONAL LEGISLATION".

INT. HOTEL - BANQUET ROOM

Alaska enters a Wretched Hive of International Scum and Villainy: PUPPETMEISTER; AUNTIE MAIM; MALEVOLENT MOLE; LUIGI CALIMARI; HEMOGOBLIN; THE DEAD HEAD KIDS; XOCHICOATL; NUCLEAR NAZI; CRACKLIN' ROSIE; DRAGON LADY . . .

MR. SANDMAN; FIREFLY; MOPHEAD; DR. DEMONIUS; THE BIG CHEESE; TSUNAMI AND MR. SUMO; KOBRA KAI; ATTILLA THE NUN; MR. BIG (a midget); ORCA; SLUG MCGOON; MR. CIGARS (a well-dressed gorilla) . . .

D'AMBALLAH (a zombie); BANSHEE; MORGAN Le FEY (sexy Vampirella type); CLAN HOKKAIDO; DR. VULCAN; ATOM MAN; THE DUNWICH HORROR; TYPHOID MARY; PITCHA PATCHA.  They chat, munch hors d' oeuvres.

Lo Pep enters, flanked by Bravos in three-piece suits.

LO PEP
Ah! Sorry to keep you waiting, 
Ladies and . . . well, you know 
what you are, eh?  Pa-dum-dum!
(stony silence)
Tough room.  Please, make 
yourselves comfortable.

MORGAN LE FEY
I vas comfortable at home.  I 
believe you said something about 
an offer we couldn't refuse?  Yes?

LO PEP
Just so.  I represent someone in, 
shall we say, the same line of 
work as you?   We feel --

MR. CIGARS
Blah, blah, blah, hubba, hubba, 
hubba!  Git to the friggin' point.

Lo Pep sits, prepares a cigar.  Mr. Cigars eyes it covetously.

LO PEP
So, tell me, slick, what's the 
biggest pain-in-the-ass you have 
to contend with -- besides finding 
someone to de-louse you?

MALEVOLENT MOLE
If ve vanted to zee bad shtand up --

LO PEP
Punchline . . . Banzai.

Instant hostility sweeps the room.

LO PEP
Exactly.  Buckaroo Banzai and his 
lousy do-gooding thugs've made 
life hell for all of us at one 
time or another.

MOPHEAD
WOO-WOO!  This is NEWS?!  WOO!  WOO!

LO PEP
None of you have been ever able to 
beat them --

SLUG MCGOON
Up yours, slope!

LO PEP
(forced smile)
. . . alone.  Suppose I told you 
we can change that.  Permanently.

They're listening, considering.  Then:

MR. BIG
Ahhh, nutz.  Let's go grab some 
hoors.

MORGAN LE FEY
Wait!  I assume you're not just 
here to, oh, what's the 
expression:  "burp the worm", eh?

LO PEP
Team Banzai is a well-oiled, well-
disciplined unit.  Many heads and 
hands with a single, annoying 
purpose.  Perhaps in order to 
destroy them, you need to begin 
to think like them . . .

Buzz as they digest this.  The Bravos glare stonily.

ATOM MAN
So?  Maybe you can enlighten us as 
to just what the hell we'd need you 
for.

LO PEP
(shrugs)
Ultimately, success will depend 
upon information.  Strengths . . . 
weaknesses . . . we know where the 
bodies are buried, so to speak.

PUPPETMEISTER
Heh.  Heh.  Nice talk.  Uh-huh, 
uh-huh.  And the reason we should 
believe you, Mr. . . . ?

LO PEP
Pep.  Lo Pep.  Just a suggestion 
from my employer . . . Hanoi Shan.

Stunned silence.  Lo Pep chuckles, lights up, settles back.  One by one, they sit down at the table.

EXT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - NIGHT

Scores of groupies are gathered outside the gates.  A limo pulls up, Buckaroo, Penny get out, greet the faithful.  As they mingle, an INSECTOID DRONE becomes audible.  Suddenly -- the smiling fans mutate into HOWLING LOVECRAFTIAN DEMONS -- attack them savagely --

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - BUCKAROO'S BEDROOM

PENNY
Uh -- !

She sits bolt upright in bed, clawing the air.  Beside her Buckaroo's instantly awake.

BUCKAROO
What . . . Penny?

She gasps, clings tightly to him, trembling.

BUCKAROO
Hey . . . hey, it's okay, baby, 
it's okay now.  It's okay, Penny 
. . . just a --

PENNY
Oh, god, Buckaroo . . .

BUCKAROO
Shhh, it's okay, relax.  You're 
awake now.  See?

Penny looks fearfully around the bedroom, gradually begins to pull her ravaged nerves back together.  Buckaroo tenderly kisses her hair as he holds her.
buckaroo
Angel, we've definitely gotta do 
something about these nightmares.  
They're --

She suddenly pulls away, hugs herself, glaring at him, trembling.

BUCKAROO
Penny . . .

PENNY
I'm . . . FINE!  I'm sorry I woke 
you.  Go back to sleep.

He reaches for her, she angrily swats at his hands, pushes him away.

BUCKAROO
That isn't what I was gonna say.  
You --

PENNY
I'm sorry I'm not more like her, 
okay?!  I bet she never kept you 
awake with her friggin' nightmares, 
did she?  I bet she was friggin' 
perfect -- wasn't she?!

BUCKAROO
Who -- ?

PEGGY
Oh -- screw you!

She slings a pillow at him, hugs herself, sobbing.  Buckaroo is lost for a moment, then he looks off at a night table, which holds a FRAMED PHOTO of him and Peggy, realizes.

BUCKAROO
C'mon, Angel, be fair.  That's not --

PENNY
I don't wanna be fair!  I -- hate 
her!  She'll always be between us!

BUCKAROO
No she won't.  C'mere . . . c'mon.

She grudgingly allows him to pull her close.

BUCKAROO
She's gone.  That's . . . He who 
battles Yesterday, loses Today.  
You can't keep fighting ghosts and 
old memories, Peg.  You gotta let 
'em go.  I have.

PENNY
Have you?  Is that why you just 
called me "Peg"!!??

She storms into the bathroom, SLAMS the door.  He winces.

BUCKAROO
Pen -- Aw, come on, Penny, don't 
do this . . . Pennnnny . . .

He tries the door, it's locked.  Weary, he leans his forehead against it.  Knocks softly, almost plaintively.

BUCKAROO
Penny . . . honey . . . let's talk 
about this.  Penny?

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - BATHROOM

On the edge of the tub, scrunched up, she whimpers in pain.

BUCKAROO (OS)
Penny . . . c'mon, sweetheart 
. . . Penny --

PENNY
GO -- AWAY!!!  I DON'T wanna talk
to you!

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - BUCKAROO'S BEDROOM

He starts to force the door, thinks better of it; sits heavily on the bed.  Keys a code into the phone.

BUCKAROO
Sid?  I wake you?  Sorry.  Yeh.  
No, no, as a matter of fact, they 
seem to be getting worse by the day.

Glances at the bathroom door.

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - BATHROOM

BUCKAROO (OS)
No . . . No, I'm really gettin' 
worried.  Well, you remember what 
we talked about . . . yeah, I 
think so . . .

Penny trembles open a bottle of painkillers, jams some in her mouth.  Runs the water, hangs on the edge of the sink.

PENNY
Oh -- GOD!

INT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - NAPIER'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Military personnel, intelligence agents, Napier, McKinley sit around a table in dim light.  TEMPLAR, a cold-eyed Spook, stands up.  The others open file folders on the table before them.

TEMPLAR
Gentlemen.  Templar, CIA.  You 
have before you, an update on 
Project "Akira".

McKINLEY
Huh?  Project Wh -- ?

TEMPLAR
Top Seek, Mr. Secretary, does not 
exist outside of this room.  We've 
been . . . monitoring the 
activities of the Banzai Institute 
for some time now . . .

ON A SCREEN behind him the 'BB' insignia glows.

TEMPLAR
. . . along with its founder, 
Doctor Buckaroo Banzai.

ON SCREEN Buckaroo plays guitar on a smoky, light-strobed stage.

TEMPLAR
True, we've made limited use of 
him in the past, but Banzai is an 
unacceptable security risk.  The 
Agency believes the time has come 
to curtail his maverick activities.  
If necessary, with extreme 
prejudice.

McKinley looks vaguely uneasy.  Napier sits back, smiles.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM - DAY

A chained, terrified Mongolian Peasant shakes violently, his eyes roll back in his head, he foams at the mouth.

Hanoi Shan, his EYES GLOWING, makes mystic signs, CHANTS GUTTERALLY IN MONGOLIAN . . . the Peasant's SOUL IS TORN OUT OF HIS TREMBLING BODY -- IT FLOWS INTO SHAN'S ROBE OF MUMMIFIED INDEX FINGERS.  The hapless Peasant SCREAMS, writhes . . . morphs into a hideous, slobbering DEATH DWARF.

Bravos lead the chained, savage Dwarf away.  Shan sighs with almost religious ecstacy, dips a finger into a golden goblet.  It comes out stained with blood, which he daintily places on his tongue.  A converted Mercedes EMERGES FROM A SOLID ROCK WALL.  Lo Pep gets out, bows.

SHAN
So?

LO PEP
They have found it, Noble Master 
Of The Universe.

Shan smiles, sips his Bloody Mariah, smacks his lips.

INT. A VAST CAVERN - TWILIGHT

Somewhere deep below the Earth's surface, or perhaps entirely in another dimension, lies an eerie subterranean world lit by swirling phosphorescence.

A Lovecraftian Temple sits beside a vast quarry.  The Mercedes EMERGES FROM A ROCK WALL before an awesome sight:  swarms of SNAKE PEOPLE labor around an enormous pair of DARK CRYSTAL TRAPEZOHEDRONS.  Armed Bravo Overseers crack whips to keep them moving.

XITHA, the Serpent High Priest, bows before Shan.

XITHA
Great Ssshannnnn . . .

SHAN
You may rise and bask in the 
Supreme Presence.

XITHA
By thy supreme will, we have 
recovered the ancient ssstonesss, 
Mighty One.  My people --

SHAN
I see they have learned the value 
of selfless obiediance.  Excellent, 
Xitha.

XITHA
If thisss lowly one but had earsss 
to sssacrificcce in thy ssserviccce --

A Snake Woman bars Bravos from approaching the crystals, her hood flared, tongue flicking.  She HISSES accusingly at Xitha, he flares his hood, HISSES back.

SHAN
A problem?

XITHA
Disssidentsss, Sssire.  They 
believe the cryssstalss are 
cursssed by our ancient godsss.  
That only misssfortune --

SHAN
Perhaps We can explain it to them.

Her young son RANTEESH crouches anxiously beside her, eyeing the glowering Bravos as they move in, kick him brutally aside.  Other Snake People edge back, HISSING.  Ranteesh jumps up, a Snake Elder holds him back.

Bravos drag the Woman away from the crystal, OPEN FIRE.   Ranteesh watches in horror as she's cut to pieces.  He looks at Shan, his ophidian eyes numb with disbelief.

SHAN
I believe that should do it.  Put 
them back to work.

Snake People slither in, sullen, HISSING dangerously.  Shan gestures to several Bravos guarding a huge clutch of leathery eggs.  They ignite flame-throwers.

The Snake People disperse, shuffling back to work.  Ranteesh looks sorrowfully at his mother's body.  A Bravo shoves him away.

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Penny broods by a window, Hikita enters, a physics book in hand.  He looks at her, worried, finally approaches.

PROF. HIKITA
Ummm.  Young Phoenix.

PENNY
(smiles)
Old Dragon.  Goin' down to the 
lab?

PROF. HIKITA
Huh!  Taking a much deserved 
break.  Your boyfriend would work 
me to my last atrophied brain cell 
if I let him.

Awkward silence.  Then:

PENNY
Hikita-san --

PROF. HIKITA
Penny -- Uh.  Go ahead.

PENNY
I . . . I don't know . . .
Nothing.  I wasn't . . .
PROF. HIKITA
Uhm.  I looked over your paper on 
quantum harmonics.  Interesting 
approach.  It's really gonna piss 
off some of the old establishment 
farts.  Maybe they'll get a clue 
-- or retire.

She smiles, looks away, deeply troubled, rubs at her temples.

PROF. HIKITA
Buckaroo . . .

PENNY
Must hate me.  I've been hideous.

PROF. HIKITA
It would be easier for him to walk 
barefoot to the Moon backwards 
than to hate you, my girl.  He 
understands.  Let him help.

PENNY
You sure it's not just because I 
remind him of her?
(off his kindly look)
Don't pay me any attention, I'm 
Sorry.  You think there's . . . 
something wrong with me?

PROF. HIKITA
Hmph!  I happen to think there's 
something wrong with damn near 
everybody!

Penny laughs, looks at him with deep affection.

PROF. HIKITA
So . . . you do remember the Tao 
of Ho-Tai, eh?  Mmmmm.  It . . . 
almost killed him when Shan took 
your sister from him, then the 
Gods returned you to each other.  
So many of his loved ones . . . 
it's . . . if he seems . . . do 
you have any idea what I'm trying 
to say?  I don't seem to.

She hugs him gratefully.  He sighs, not sure what he did, but glad he was able to do it.

PROF. HIKITA
Okay . . . okay.  Ah.  Time to go 
and be irascible again.

She laughs delightedly, links her arm in his, they stroll off.

PENNY
You?  Oh, puh-lease . . .

PROF. HIKITA
Watch out, I'm one tough cookie.  
Feel that muscle . . . grrrr.

EXT. WORLD WATCH ONE - NIGHT

DIGITALLY-ANIMATED HONG KONG CAVALIERS gallop along the side of the sleek, black tourbus as it rolls down the highway.

INT. WORLD WATCH ONE - UPPER DECK

Buckaroo, blindfolded, does an intricate iaido kata around Perfect Tommy, New Jersey, Reno as they talk.  Perfect Tommy and Reno are used to it, New Jersey isn't.  Perfect Tommy skims a teen magazine emblazoned with pictures of himself.

RENO
Ahhh, I dunno it could be 
sunspots, or too much fluoride, or 
. . . hell . . . Maybe it's just 
that time o' the month for 
sociopaths.  Who knows?

PERFECT TOMMY
Well, that'll work for the Siren, 
the Banshee an' the Iron Maiden 
alright, but it don't even begin 
to speak to Damballah . . . or 
Baked Alaska . . . hey, Iron Maiden 
-- remember when she an' Pecos --

NEW JERSEY
C'mon, focus, guys, focus.  Hello?  
Maybe -- 
(flinches as the sword
flashes past)
Uh, may-maybe there's a, a definite 
cycle here, to, to, uh, 
s-supercriminal activity.  Uh, 
y-you know, like -- 
(flinches again)
Uh, like . . . like . . .

RENO
What?  Horoscopes?  Bio-rhythms?

NEW JERSEY
Hey, c'mon, Reno, work with me 
here, huh?  Guys?  Let's 
brainstorm this.  After all, 
suppose -- GYAAAAAH!

There's a sudden FLASH OF STEEL -- he tumbles out of his chair.  Reno and Perfect Tommy howl with glee.  Reno checks his watch, gives Perfect Tommy ten bucks.  New Jersey gets up off the floor, sulking.

NEW JERSEY
Oh, yeah, very funny, ha, ha.  
What, you two never went through 
this?

PERFECT TOMMY
What's up there, doc, lose yer 
focus?

Perfect Tommy tickles him, New Jersey sulks.  Reno joins in.  Buckaroo puts his sword away, smiles, shakes his head.

BUCKAROO
All right, c'mon, guys, give Sid 
-- give Jersey a break, huh?  
C'mon, lay off, willya?  Tommy --

Big Norse bounds up the stairs with a palmtop.

BIG NORSE
Hot off World Watch Wire, Buckaroo, 
thought you'd wanna be notified.

She realizes that they're staring at her.

BIG NORSE
What?  What?!

BUCKAROO
Never mind.  Deja vu.  What've you 
got?

PERFECT TOMMY
She says Maserati Bora, I'm outta 
here.

BIG NORSE
Huh?  Clown.

Reno whistles a circus tune, Perfect Tommy throws the mag at him.

BIG NORSE
Anonymous tip . . . seems La 
Calimari an' the Dead Head Kids're 
teamin' up to do some dirt.  Can 
you believe it?

RENO
Teamin' up?!  Calimari?

PERFECT TOMMY
No way, Jose!  Not el squid 
grandissimo.

He grabs Norse's palmtop.  Buckaroo tries to see it, but Reno and Perfect Tommy keep snatching it away from each other.

BUCKAROO
What's it -- whoa, guys, what --

RENO
Leggo that.

PERFECT TOMMY
Like you can read --

NEW JERSEY
(reads over Tommy's 
shoulder)
Who's Muggsy?  Wait, who's --

BUCKAROO
Informant.  What's it say?

NEW JERSEY
Is that like a code name, or --

BUCKAROO
WHAT'S IT SAY?!

RENO
Chicago.  Somethin' "hot".  No 
details.

NEW JERSEY
Hot?  Hot?  Oh -- Uh, okay, okay, 
good!  Good!  Uhm, free 
association here . . . right?  Uh, 
uh, hot . . . hot, first thing 
that comes to mind, uh -- 
potatoes?!

They're staring at him.

NEW JERSEY
Okay, now, Tommy, you -- uh, oh, 
never mind, sorry . . . just . . . 
just, uh . . . go ahead.  You, uh 
. . . yes?

BUCKAROO
This makes no sense.  What'd be 
hot enough to drag Calimari out 
of the depths of N'kai?

PERFECT TOMMY
Pnakotic Manuscript's in town.  
Lotsa --

RENO
Nah, nah, small potatoes.  He's 
already got --

NEW JERSEY
Pota -- potatoes -- there it is 
again.  There, there -- Y'know, 
maybe we --

They're staring at him again.

NEW JERSEY
Or . . . not . . . not, uh, not 
is good, too . . . you were saying 
. . .

BUCKAROO
Somethin' doesn't tote.  What 
else's in the area?  Norse?

BIG NORSE
Peking Opera.  Roller Derby.  
Dragon Con.  Republican National.  
Uh, Janet Jackson . . .

RENO
Nothin' hot there . . .

PERFECT TOMMY
. . . uh, Janet Jackson.

RENO
Well, I mean b'sides the ob --

BUCKAROO
Wait, wait, aren't we supposed to 
do some speechifyin' somewhere?

BIG NORSE
Bam!  International Reality 
Symposium . . . "Quantum Mechanics 
and the Arms Race:  Is There a 
Light Saber In Your Future"?

NEW JERSEY
Sah-mokin'.

RENO
Can we trust this guy?  I mean 
with a name like --

BUCKAROO
A rose by any other . . . only way 
to know if a man is trustworthy --

PERFECT TOMMY/NEW JERSEY
(nod; they've heard it 
before)
. . . is to trust him.

RENO
Yah, yah, okay.  What's the plan, 
Kemo Sabe?

BUCKAROO
Tell core get ready to slide, pull 
up some local talent.  Norse?

BIG NORSE
History in the makin'.

She runs downstairs as Reno, New Jersey, Perfect Tommy open their lockers, start grabbing their combat gear.

EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - STREET - NIGHT

A limo moves past the usual landmarks.

INT. LIMO - MOVING - NIGHT

Napier broods.  Templar sits across from him.

NAPIER
What about Banzai's little army -- 
what the hell does he call 'em?

TEMPLAR
Blue Blaze Irregulars.  Taken care 
of.

Napier stares out of the window.

TEMPLAR
It's guaranteed, senator.  My 
people don't make mistakes.

Napier raises an eyebrow.

TEMPLAR
That was before my time.  Different 
division.

NAPIER
Thing is, to the unwashed masses, 
Banzai walks on water.  We screw 
this up, they'll pillory us.

TEMPLAR
There'll scream bloody murder, all 
right, but not at us.  We got 
this.  No problem.

Napier grins, opens the back seat bar.  He offers Templar a shot, Templar shakes his head, no.

NAPIER
Better watch your little half-
breed ass, Banzai.  NOBODY screws 
with the Republican Party!

He laughs, tosses off a shot.  Templar watches him.

EXT. ENGINEERING COMPLEX - NIGHT

Armed Guards.  Lots of lights.  Dogs.  Barbed wire.  FURTIVE, BONELESS SHAPES OOZE UNDER A CHAIN-LINK FENCE.  Two Guards chat, smoking cigarettes.  One of them wrinkles his nose, looks up.

GUARD 1
Jeez, Monroe . . . you have the 
goddamn clams again?

Several AMPHIBIOUS, MISSHAPPEN BODIES fall on top of them.  As the Guards are dispatched NOISILY, the CALIMARI MOB slinks onto the scene.  They wear coral and fishscale armor, carry wicked-looking spearguns.

They're led by LUIGI CALIMARI -- Cthulhu in a pin-striped suit.  Behind them, the DEAD HEAD KIDS cut one Guard's head open, noisily SLURP out his brains.  They're what the "Dead End" Kids would look like if they were . . . well . . . dead.

INT. ENGINEERING COMPLEX - MAIN STORAGE - NIGHT

Guards cower in a group, hands raised fearfully.  Calimari extends a rubbery claw, one of his "men" puts a mecha-type rifle in it.

CALIMARI
Iä -- Shub-Niggurath -- Iä!  Iä!  
Iä -- Cthulhu -- RAH RAH RAH!

He BLASTS two of the Guards OUT OF EXISTENCE, gibbering loathsomely.  The remaining Guards glance at each other in terror.

Da mob lugs crates with "TOP SECRET:  ADVANCED WEAPONS DIVISION" stamped all over them.  MUGGSY, a Dead Head Kid enters, burps, brains and gore on his mouth.  Calimari grabs him by his tattered sweatshirt.

CALIMARI
Hey, punk, stuff y'face on ya own 
time.  Move it!  Move it!  Move it!

Grumbling, the Kids help out.  A scabby-ass van pulls in.  Back doors open, they load it up.  Suddenly, a HIGH-PITCHED WHINE stops them cold.
World Watch One HURTLES OUT OF A GLOWING SPOT IN A WALL.

CALIMARI
Ha!  They fell fer it!  SMOKE 'EM 
LIKE HERRING!

Automatic weapons ring the bus, BOLTS CLICK.  Doors spring open.  Nothing happens.

CALIMARI
What th' --

He signals to move in.  They approach cautiously, peer in.  Empty.  A blinking dash display reads:  "AUTODRIVE ENGAGED".

RENO (OS)
Yeeeeehaaaaahhhh!

Buckaroo, Reno, New Jersey, Perfect Tommy, Big Norse, PINKY CARRUTHERS, and a squad of heavily armed BBIs abseil from the ceiling.

BUCKAROO
Heads up, seafood!

PARTICLE BEAMS SIZZLE upward.  Team Banzai dives for cover, FIRE their pulse weapons.  Furniture -- Guards -- equipment DISAPPEAR as the firefight rages.

Calimari VAPORIZES Team Banzai's cover of crates, swaggers over, followed by da mob.  He aims, presses the firing stud -- as the weapon POWERS UP:

CALIMARI
Any famous last woids?

BUCKAROO
Yeah.  Have a nice trip.

Buckaroo whips out a remote, presses a button.  World Watch One FIRES THE BOSON BEAM -- THE FLOOR UNDER DA MOB RIPPLES, they fall into the 8th dimension.

CALIMARI
YAAAAAAAAAA -- !

Buckaroo & company breathe a sigh of relief.

PERFECT TOMMY
Whew!  Cuttin' a little close, 
bossman, another sec, an' --

FEEDBACK!  THE BOSON BEAM RIPPLES TOWARD THEM.  Buckaroo presses the remote -- no effect.  He barely manages to leap across the SPREADING DIMENSIONAL PORTAL, sprints toward the bus.

INT. WORLD WATCH ONE - COCKPIT AREA

Buckaroo jumps in, keys the dashboard control system furiously.  Nothing.  He RAMS his rifle butt into the panel -- it EXPLODES in a SHOWER OF SPARKS.

INT. ENGINEERING COMPLEX - MAIN STORAGE

THE BEAM VANISHES inches from Team Banzai, who are all pressed up against a wall.  Shaken, they glance at Buckaroo.  In the doorway of the bus, he lets out a sigh of relief, shrugs.

EXT. ENGINEERING COMPLEX - NIGHT

Cops load the Kids into a van.  Buckaroo, Reno, Perfect Tommy, New Jersey, Big Norse check out the weapons.

PERFECT TOMMY
Jeez Louise, Buck, lookit this 
mammajamma.

RENO
Sainted Salami!  Y'know what that 
is?

BUCKAROO
Yeah.  Plasma pulse rifle, phased 
energy-emitting diode, thirty gig 
load.  Effective vaporization 
range . . . about ninety yards.

NEW JERSEY
Uh, I'm not up on my quantum 
mechanics, but if I didn't know 
better, I'd think you were 
describing a --

BUCKAROO
Phaser.  Pass that gent the fuzzy 
dice.

NEW JERSEY
Except that, uh, except that 
outside of TV, there's no such of 
a thing.  Right?  Uh, no, nobody's 
sayin' right, here.

RENO
Wrong. T.S., very very hush-hush.  
But real.

NEW JERSEY
Zowie.  Who?

PERFECT TOMMY
Us.  We developed concept specs, 
designed the energy conversion 
units, doc.

BIG NORSE
Only problem is, we don't have 
anything anywhere near this 
advanced.  Neither should anybody 
else.

RENO
'Specially not punks onna street.

PERFECT TOMMY
What's goin' on, Buck?

BUCKAROO
Dunno.  But I'm gonna find out.

A BURLY COP ambles up.
BURLY COP
What about the Calimari, Doctor 
Banzai?

BUCKAROO
We'll round 'em up, Cosgrove.  A 
little Time Out in the Phantom 
Zone oughta make 'em a bit less 
cranky.

The Cop nods, moves off.   As Team Banzai heads for World Watch One:

PERFECT TOMMY
Another one rides the bus.  Say, 
Buck, what inna heck happened back 
there?

BUCKAROO
Wish I knew.  Looked like all the 
sub-atomic relays depolarized.  
For a minute, I thought she was 
gonna implode.

RENO
Damn, Sam!

BIG NORSE
Brrr . . . That woulda taken some 
serious spin doctrin'.

NEW JERSEY
Huh.  I can see the headlines now:  
"Chicago Vanishes Into Eighth 
Dimension . . . New York Sez:  Big 
Deal -- Let 'Em Try Livin' In 
Brooklyn!"

They laugh, board the bus.

INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM - LATER

Buckaroo, Perfect Tommy wait as a Guard escorts Muggsy in.  Perfect Tommy shoves Muggsy into a seat.

MUGGSY
Hey, watch it, huh?  I'm undead 
here!

BUCKAROO
What've you got, Muggs?

PERFECT TOMMY
B'sides scabies.

MUGGSY
Ha, ha, ha.  What kinda deal we 
talkin' 'bout?

BUCKAROO
You know I don't make deals.

MUGGSY
Woik wit' me here, huh?  Jeez, 
y'know how hard it is to git a 
good piece o' head inna slam?

Perfect Tommy makes a disgusted face.

MUGGSY
So . . .

BUCKAROO
So?

MUGGSY
Slack?

BUCKAROO
Up to the authorities.

MUGGSY
(points to Perfect 
Tommy's head)
Well then, how's 'bout his?  He 
ain't usin' it.
(Perfect Tommy goes to 
wallop him, Muggsy 
ducks)
Okay, okay.  I trust youse.  Git 
ready fer the provoibial crapola 
ta hit da fan.

BUCKAROO
Because?

MUGGSY
Remember de ol' song:  "Da Night 
Chicago Died"?

PERFECT TOMMY
(runs lyrics in his head)
Wait a minute, you talkin' about a 
Syndicate?

BUCKAROO
Who's supplying those weapons?

Muggsy shrugs.  Perfect Tommy grabs him, Buckaroo shakes his head, "no".

BUCKAROO
How big?

MUGGSY
No matter where youse go . . . 
dere dey'll be.

EXT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Buckaroo, Perfect Tommy join Reno, New Jersey (practicing his rope twirling), Big Norse at the bus.

BIG NORSE
And?

RENO
What sayeth thou, bossman?

PERFECT TOMMY
Round up the posse.

NEW JERSEY
Oh?  Cool!  What're we gonna --

BUCKAROO
New game plan, ladies and gents.  
Looks like we've got desperadoes 
circling the wagons.  Time to head 
'em off at the pass.

MONTAGE - TEAM BANZAI IN ACTION

--	Newscasters deliver breaking stories (MOS); "HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO" blazes from the SOUNDTRACK, as:

--	FIREFLY AND HIS MOSQUITO SQUADRON in jetpacks, wielding blazing flame-throwers battle Team Banzai on hoverboards.  Headline:  "BANZAI DOUSES FIREFLY!"

--	CRACKLIN' ROSIE tears up the street, flings LIGHTNING BOLTS at Team Banzai.  Buckaroo lassos her with a cable, shorts her out.  Headline:  "CRACKLIN' ROSIE -- GROUNDED!"

--	ORCA AND HIS MANATEES leap from a liner to a high-tech Pirate Ship.  The Leviathan, Team Banzai's oceangoing dreadnought SCREAMS in on hydrofoils, guns blazing!  Headline:  "BANZAI MAKES SUSHI OUT OF ORCA!"

--	XOCHICOATL AND HIS MAYAN MUMMIES slug it out with Team Banzai atop some Mexican pyramids.  Headline:  "TEAM BANZAI MAKES MAYAN-AISE OF XOCHICOATL!"

--	The spectral PITCHA PATCHA AND HER GRAVEYARD SHIFT terrorize a swank Society gathering with a NIGHTMARE PROJECTOR.  Team Banzai swarms in wearing special goggles which negate its effects.  Headline:  "PATCHA -- PITCHED!"

--	Buckaroo, in a heroic pose, as SUPERED:  Team Banzai battles -- BIG CHEESE'S CIRCUS OF TERROR; DRAGON LADY AND HER NINJA 'DROIDS; MR. SANDMAN AND HIS NIGHTMARES.  Headlines:  "BANZAI!  BANZAI!!  BANZAI!!!" in ever larger type.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

The President hangs medals on Team Banzai.  Citizens cheer.  Bands play.  Buckaroo shakes the President's hand.

BUCKAROO
Arigato, Mr. President.

That signature smile, the crowd loves it.  The President raises Buckaroo's hand like a triumphant prize fighter, PULL BACK TO:

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

Buckaroo's dazzling smile ON ROWS OF MONITORS.  Shan, smug, on his Throne, flanked by Lo Pep, Pasha, scores of Bravos.  Sullen Supercriminals at a conference table, boo the screens, throw stuff at them.

MORGAN LE FEY
. . . we've been reconsidering 
your offer . . .

SHAN
Yes, I rather thought you might.  
However, the price has gone up.

MR. CIGARS
Rrrrr.  Meanin'?

SHAN
Fifty percent.  Of everything.  
Each.  Off the top.  In addition, 
you take your orders from Me.

MR. BIG
An' if we don't feel like it?

MORGAN LE FEY
Shorty . . . seedown an' shuddap, 
hokay?!

Lo Pep does a RIMSHOT, cackles.  Shan leans forward, eyes glittering.

INT. WORLD WATCH ONE - COMMAND CENTER

ON A MONITOR:  "UPLINK SUCCESSFUL . . . FLUSH INITIATED".  Penny leans back, shakes her head, winces, covers her eyes.  This one HURTS like a son-of-a-bitch.
PENNY
Uhn . . .

Trembling, she fumbles a bottle from her purse, opens it.  Empty.

PENNY
Noooo . . .

A hand falls on her shoulder, she jumps.  New Jersey smiles his boyish grin, sees the empty bottle.  He looks concerned.

NEW JERSEY
That, that's not the prescrip you 
got two days ago, is it?  Penny 
. . . Jeez, this stuff is -- you 
shouldn't -- Penny --

She turns on him, suddenly fierce --

PENNY
Get off my goddamn back!  What -- 
you think I'm a friggin' junkie!?!

New Jersey recoils, stunned.  It gets extremely quiet.  Several BBIs at nearby stations are looking at her, Penny sways a moment, starts to sag out of her seat, New Jersey catches her.  She looks up at him, miserable, apologetic, keyed up.  He gives her a tentative smile, she slumps against him, winces, massages her temples.

new jersey
Wow.  Where the hell did that come 
from?

PENNY
It's been that kinda week . . .

He gently turns her face toward him, examines her eyes, pulse, shakes his head.

NEW JERSEY
I dunno.  I dunno, Penny.  We, we 
oughta do some, some more 
neuroscans -- I -- 
(off her look)
-- just to make sure, don't worry.  
I'm positive . . . I'm sure 
there's nothing to worry about, 
okay?  Penny?  C'mon, now . . . 
you --

PENNY
Jersey . . . I'm . . . I'm sorry.  
I didn't --

NEW JERSEY
As your friend, forget it.  As 
your doctor . . . come on.

He gently helps her to her feet.

PENNY
I'm -- pretty wimpy, huh?

NEW JERSEY
Oh, no no no no no . . . Let you 
in on a little secret, my dear 
. . . even us super heroic types 
hump the bunk, occasionally.  
What, you never read Marvel 
comics?

She manages a ghastly smile.  The WWO crew watches as they exit.

EXT. LOCAL CLUB PARKING LOT - NIGHT

World Watch One is parked.  BBI HAWKEYE dozes at the wheel.

INT. CLUB - NIGHT

The Hong Kong Cavaliers RAGA-ROCK to a jam-packed house.  People dance.  Strobes flash.

INT. CLUB - BACKSTAGE

Hikita works at a laptop.  Penny watches Buckaroo on stage, sighs.

PROF. HIKITA
(sings softly, off-key)
. . . Do you remember/ When we met/ 
That was the day/ I knew you were 
mine . . .

PENNY
(warm smile)
Don't quit your day job yet.  God 
. . . I think we'd both like to 
forget that night.

PROF. HIKITA
Hmph.  Don't be so sure.  If you 
weren't such a lousy shot --

PENNY
Ouch!  Hey, you.
(remembers)
He was so . . . gallant.  I still 
can't believe he heard me crying 
in all of that . . . but then I 
should have expected Buckaroo 
Banzai to --
(notices he isn't 
listening)
Hikita-san?

His head's cocked quizzically, he's listening to something.

PENNY
Well . . . I like that -- ignoring 
me, huh?  I can take a --

PROF. HIKITA
Do you feel that?!

PENNY
That?  That what?  What that?

He tips back his specs, stares closely at a half-full glass of water on a nearby stool.  Leans close . . . Concerned, Penny looks from Hikita to the glass and back.  She does a surprised take.  The water is VIBRATING.

PENNY
What in the . . . ?

PROF. HIKITA
Doorway!  Quickly!  Quick!

He pulls her to her feet.  CRACK -- the room SHUDDERS violently.  Hikita looks around, frightened.

INT. CLUB - ON STAGE

Buckaroo stops singing, the Cavaliers look up, realizing something's amiss.

PERFECT TOMMY
Huh?  Purple Jinkies, Buck, what --

BUCKAROO
Hang on!

THE GROUND HEAVES like a 5.7.  The Crowd SCREAMS.  Panic.

NEW JERSEY
When did we install Sensurro -- 
whoa!

A HUGE CHUNK OF FLOOR DISAPPEARS.  Patrons SCREAM -- several of them hanging on the edge of a gaping pit -- HELLISH LIGHTS, HORRIBLE SOUNDS BLAST up out of it . . .

Buckaroo pulls a frightened Woman up.  The Cavaliers drag others to safety.

Penny appears, her heart pounding.  A VIOLENT QUAKE, part of the building crumples.  Lights crack -- cables SPARK --

Buckaroo crawls from under debris, squints through drifting smoke, falling rubble, sees:

The MALEVOLENT MOLE AND HIS MORLOCKS rise from the crater.  The Mole cackles fiendishly.  New Jersey's eyes bug out.

NEW JERSEY
Nyaaaaah!

Penny SCREAMS.  The Mole flashes a chinless grin, FIRES A SONIC BEAM at the stage.  They barely dive clear as THE STAGE, BACK WALL SHATTERS!  They come up with automatic weapons blazing.

BUCKAROO
The crowd!  Watch the crowd!  Hold 
your fire!

Reno, Big Norse, New Jersey push panicked patrons toward the exits.

RENO
Hit the bricks, people!  Let's go!  
Move!  MOVE!

They lay down cover fire as patrons run SCREAMING for the exits.  Another quake --

Penny pinwheels her arms, SCREAMS -- topples backward into the hole.  Buckaroo grabs -- she teeters above a GREEN HELLSCAPE -- for an agonizing moment, it seems as if both will plunge headlong into the abyss -- he pulls her out.

BUCKAROO
Stay down!

PENNY
(grabs him)
Buckaroo -- !

BUCKAROO
Gotta get rid of the Rascally 
Rodent.  Stay put!

Quick kiss, he leaps over rubble, sprints for the pit.  THE MOLE'S EVIL LAUGH ECHOES as he and his Morlocks disappear into the ground.  The Cavaliers peer in, guns ready.

PECOS
I tell ya, if it ain't one damn 
thing, it's another!

BUCKAROO
Bus, people!  C'mon, let's go!

They scramble for the exit.
PENNY
Buckaroo -- !

Buckaroo pulls an exit door open, glances back.

BUCKAROO
Reno, make sure --

ROAR -- something SLAMS him back into the Cavaliers.  They hit the floor, look up at MR. CIGARS, he tips his bowler, snaps his bowtie, adjusts his snazzy sequined jacket, stogie clenched in his fangs.

MR. CIGARS
Olly-olly-oxen free!

He guffaws, disappears out the door.

NEW JERSEY
WHAT is going on here?!?

BUCKAROO
No time to explain, Fred, besides 
you knew the job was dangerous 
when you took it.  Let's go!

EXT. LOCAL CLUB PARKING LOT - NIGHT

YODELING like Tarzan, Mr. Cigars scales the side of a building.  Buckaroo looks up, Mr. Cigars wiggles his ass at them.

INT. WORLD WATCH ONE

Team Banzai scrambles for gear, weapons as Buckaroo dives in.  Hawkeye shuts the door, rams her into gear.

HAWKEYE
He's headed for Cousin Doc's -- 
Empire State Building.

BUCKAROO
Enough monkeyshines.  Let's cut 
'im off.

EXT. LOCAL CLUB PARKING LOT - NIGHT

The tourbus ROARS across the lot.  The crowd CHEERS as it DISAPPEARS INTO THE SHIMMERING SIDE OF A BUILDING.  As they chat excitedly, FEEDBACK RIPPLES OUT OF THE WALL, ENGULFS PART OF THE CROWD.  They SCREAM.
Penny emerges from the club's ruins in time to see them FALL THROUGH THE TARMAC.
PENNY
Oh, GOD!!!

Hikita appears beside her, horrified.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - 35TH STREET - NIGHT

World Watch One SKIDS OUT OF A BRICK WALL, ENERGY HALOES CRACKLING.  They pile out, ready to rumble.  Nothing.

BUCKAROO
Hell's Bells -- Hawkeye . . . ?

HAWKEYE
. . . I coulda swore . . .

PERFECT TOMMY
(leans in the door)
Damn!  Anything on thermo-motion 
sensors?  Infra red?  Gorilla 
vision?!?

HAWKEYE
Uh, equipment's wacked.  Gimme a 
sec, I can recalibrate.

BUCKAROO
Forget it.  Looks like we've been 
rode hard and put away wet.  C'mon.

He takes a last look around before he boards.

INT. WORLD WATCH ONE - MAIN STAGING

Buckaroo slips out of his gear -- Big Norse runs up, eyes wide, breathless.
BIG NORSE
Buckaroo -- !

She hands him a sheet of paper.  He reads it, goes ashen.
BUCKAROO
Oh, dear God . . .

RENO
What?  What's wr -- ?

Buckaroo's moving for the front of the bus.  Jersey catches the message, reads it.

NEW JERSEY
Oh no!

INT. WORLD WATCH ONE - COCKPIT AREA

Buckaroo appears behind Hawkeye.

BUCKAROO
Get us in back in, now!

HAWKEYE
Huh?  I didn't finish the --

BUCKAROO
NOW!!!!!

Hawkeye jumps, fires up the array.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - 35TH STREET - NIGHT

ENERGY CRACKLING, World Watch One HURTLES INTO A WALL.

INT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - NAPIER'S OFFICE - DAY

A newspaper headline howls:  "BANZAI BLUNDER!!!  CIVILIANS KILLED AS WORLD WATCH ONE MISFIRES!!!"

NAPIER
Hoo -- this is rich . . . RICH!

He laughs heartily, tosses the paper onto his desk.  Templar stands nearby, steel-eyed and humorless as usual.

NAPIER
(wipes his eyes)
How . . . oh, god -- how in the 
hell did you manage that?

TEMPLAR
Keed To Know, senator.

NAPIER
Hunh?  Oh, oh yeah, I get it.  
You could tell me, but . . .

TEMPLAR
. . . I'd have to kill you.

Napier breaks up.  Templar doesn't look like he's kidding.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM

Rows of monitors display the club's ruins.

TV REPORTER (VO)
. . . apparently due to a 
malfunction of the device known as 
the "oscillation overthruster" 
were, in the words of one horrified 
bystander, "plunged through the 
sidewalk, screaming in terror" . . .

Shan dances in his seat as he watches MULTIPLE SCREEN COVERAGE of the tragedy.
SHAN
. . . Tsk, tsk.  How AWFUL! 
(cackles; into commlink)
Places everyone.  It's showtime.

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - COMMAND CENTER

Everyone morosely watches endless IMAGES of the aftermath . . . the club's ruins . . . covered bodies . . . stunned and hysterical bystanders . . . grim cops . . . paramedics.

TV REPORTER (VO)
. . . were recovered, however, none 
survived.

NEW JERSEY
Ouch!  Damage control, all stations.

RENO
Jeez Louise . . .

TV REPORTER
In related news, a special joint 
session of both Houses was convened 
to investigate the incident . . .

PERFECT TOMMY
Gawd.  Feedin' frenzy.

He plays a few bars of a FUNERAL DIRGE on his electric guitar.  The others give him a warning look, he puts it down, sheepish.  (OVER) this:

TV REPORTER (VO)
. . . been termed the single worst 
technical disaster since Chernobyl, 
and have vowed to pursue the 
investigation until they discover 
exactly where the blame lies . . .

PENNY
Buckaroo . . .

He stares at the screens . . . haggard . . . haunted.  She hugs him consolingly.

TV REPORTER (VO)
. . . Republican Senate Chairman 
Alfonso Napier said earlier today:

Napier on all screens, shows lots of teeth.

NAPIER
We solemnly promise the American 
People, that we intend to 
VIGOROUSLY pursue this 
investigation until we ascertain 
EXACTLY where the blame lies. 
(sanctimoniously at 
CAMERA)
And woe . . . WOE!  Be unto ANYONE 
who has wantonly -- FLAGRANTLY -- 
and irresponsibly endangered the 
American Public in their 
EGOTISTICAL quest for Glory and 
megalomaniacal self-aggrandizement.  
I say unto them:  BEWARE!  BE --

As he waves a stern finger, Hikita hits the kill switch, all screens go dark.

RENO
Asshole . . .

BUCKAROO
No, no Reno, he's right.

PERFECT TOMMY
What?!?  Aw, come on, Buck, you 
can't be serious!

NEW JERSEY
Buckaroo, we didn't --

PECOS
You can't blame yourself for --

PENNY
Buckaroo, you didn't --

BUCKAROO
Yes, I am, we did, I do. 
(holds up a hand to 
forestall further 
argument)
Listen, guys, I appreciate your 
support, and your confidence, but 
the truth's out there.  It's our 
fault.  We built the bloody thing.

PROF. HIKITA
Hmmmm.  Oleg's checked and 
rechecked every circuit . . . 
there's nothing amiss that he can 
find.

BIG NORSE
It was an accident.

PENNY
They happen, you know.  Even to 
Buckaroo Banzai.

BUCKAROO
(touched, he looks away)
Didn't used to.  Well . . . guys, 
we need to make some sort of 
restitution.  It won't bring 'em 
back, but . . .

NEW JERSEY
Uh, excuse me, excuse me . . . how 
come nobody's pointing the finger 
at the Gadabout Gorilla?  Or that 
Subterranean Slug?  They caused 
this.  Why do we --

BUCKAROO
C'mon, Sid, we're supposed to be 
Professionals.  It's our job.  We 
can't start pouting and whining 
"not my fault".

PERFECT TOMMY
Works for the President. 
(off Buckaroo's look)
Okay, okay.  So, what now?

BUCKAROO
Until further notice, the 
overthruster's off limits.  No 
more dimension-hopping till we're 
sure it's safe.  Capeesh?

They mumble reluctant assent.

BUCKAROO
Next order of business.  Every 
major law enforcement --

BIG NORSE
(off her headphones)
Uh -- Buckaroo . . . I . . . I'm 
gettin' something over World Watch 
Wire.  Alpha Priority.  Elephant 
Bravo.

JUVY, a Polynesian Intern, calls from her station:

JUVY
Buckaroo . . . incoming here, too.

Buckaroo moves to her.  The others crowd around Big Norse.

RENO
Chee Monay, the dam's broke.  
Lookit this.

BIG NORSE
Paris . . . Tokyo . . . London 
. . . Yugoslavia . . .

PENNY
Chicago . . . New York . . . 
what's going on?

NEW JERSEY
Uh, oh yeah . . . oh, yeah, I'll 
tell you what's going on, our 
friends here obviously all watch 
Good Morning America, see, and they 
just found out that we've been 
hamstrung.

PROF. HIKITA
Mmmm.  They know you won't risk 
using the overthruster.

BUCKAROO
Anyone else smell set-up?

PERFECT TOMMY
So . . . whatta we do?

They stare for a long moment at the STREAMING DIGITAL READOUTS.  They all look at each other, for the first time in their professional lives, at a complete loss as to what to do.  Slowly, all eyes in the huge room come to rest on Buckaroo.

His torment and indecision is etched in every line of his body.

PECOS
Buckaroo?

PENNY
We . . . we can't go against all 
those --

PERFECT TOMMY
Is anybody even gonna trust us any 
more?

RENO
And how do we even get to all of these 
. . . it's impossible.

BUCKAROO
No it isn't.

Surprised, they look over at him.  He's no longer torn with doubt . . . no longer wracked by indecision.  Lives are in danger.  Hell's Bells.  Whatever else may be going on . . . He's still Buckaroo Banzai.

BUCKAROO
We just have to use more 
conventional means of 
transportation. 
(off their doubtful 
looks)
Hey people, what did we do before 
the overthruster, huh?

		  NEW JERSEY
Uh, I dunno.  That was before my time.

RENO
(beginning to catch some 
of his Boss' determination)
It'll take way longer.

BUCKAROO
Then we need to kick it in gear.  
We've still got a couple of working 
sub-orbitals, Lear jets, apaches, 
yes?  No longer cutting edge, but 
they work.

PERFECT TOMMY
(matches Buckaroo's 
tight grin)
Yer sure about this . . . ?

BUCKAROO
It's what we do.  Suck it up, 
people.  Apocalypse One all the 
way.  Tommy, Reno, Jersey, Norse, 
Pecos:  form up your Strike Teams.  
Pull whomever you need, all Blue 
Blaze Irregulars on immediate 
standby.

PERFECT TOMMY
Boo-yah, Boss!  Any thou shalt nots?

BUCKAROO
Absolutely NO civilian casualties.

RENO
Saddle up!  Yippee kai-yea!

They scatter.  For a brief moment, Buckaroo is left to wonder if this is the way to go.

PENNY
What about me?

BUCKAROO
I need you and Hikita-san on the 
marconi.  We're gonna be scattered 
to the four corners.  We'll need 
good liaison.

PENNY
(as Buckaroo heads out)
Hey.  You're still the Man.

He smiles, grateful, then he's gone.  Penny bites her lip, worried, rubs absently at her forehead, as if one of her headaches were coming on.  Hikita drops into the Comm. Seat, the Interns take their stations.

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - CRYO-SUSPENSION CHAMBER

BUCKAROO
(to Rawhide)
You know what I used to absolutely 
hate about you, pardner?  The way 
you never ever lost your cool.  
No matter what happened.  Even . . .
(looks up at the 
sarcophagus)
I ever tell you . . . I wanted to 
be just like you . . . when I grow 
up?  Don't wait up.  I'll let ya 
know how it all turns out, okay?
(turns to go, stops, 
bittersweet smile)
And I'll try not to embarrass ya.  
Later, pard.

INT. MIT PHYSICS LAB - DAY

KOBRA KAI and his BURMESE PYTHONS have laid out local Security.  They load scientific equipment onto a truck.

BUCKAROO (OS)
Don't you know you're not supposed 
to take things that don't b'long 
to you, luggage-head?

Kai spins, HISSING, sees Buckaroo and the RUGSUCKERS.

KAI
Well well welly welly well well 
well.  If it ain't ol' "Blow 'Em 
Away Banzai" his own self.

The Pythons yuk it up.  Buckaroo winces, stung.

KAI
Relax, boys.  Long as we're not 
innocent civilians, we oughta be 
okay!  Har har har!

The Pythons chuckle heartily.  Buckaroo's eyes narrow.

BUCKAROO
You know somethin', Kai?  You 
plumb picked the wrong day to try 
and piss me off.

KAI
Yeah?  Why's that?

BOOM -- Buckaroo slams a side thrust kick into Kai's chest, the impact knocks him across the room, into some crates.

BUCKAROO
'Cause it worked.  Nail 'em, guys.

Buckaroo closes with Kai hand-to-hand.  The Rugsuckers mop up the floor with the Pythons.  It's short, violent, impressive.  As Buckaroo is about to finish Kai:

TEMPLAR (OS)
FREEZE!

Templar leads a Delta Force Assault Team armed for bear.

TEMPLAR
Release that man.

BUCKAROO
First of all, he's not a man.

TEMPLAR
That's no longer your problem.

The Deltas take possession of Kai and his gang.

BUCKAROO
Who the jumpin' jack flash are you?

TEMPLAR
Templar, CIA.

The Rugsuckers move in, Buckaroo waves them back.

BUCKAROO
Look, buddy, we're in the middle 
of apprehending dangerous felons 
here, if that's okay with you.

TEMPLAR
No.  It's not okay with me.
(produces a sheaf of 
documents)
Official Cease and Desist Orders 
for you, all members of Team Banzai, 
Blue Blaze Irregulars, assorted 
Strike Teams, Surveillance Groups, 
Comic Book Publishers, et cetera, 
et cetera, et cetera.

BUCKAROO
(reads them)
What the hell . . . ?

TEMPLAR
Pending further official 
investigation, you are not to 
engage in any -- repeat -- ANY 
activities that might in any way, 
shape or form, endanger the lives 
of innocent civilians.

Buckaroo looks at him, stunned.

TEMPLAR
As for the rest of you . . . 
"gentlemen", you're hereby ordered 
to disperse immediately, and 
return to your homes, places of 
business, or nearest neutral 
dimension!  This is the only 
warning you will receive.

The Rugsuckers eye Templar unpleasantly, heft their weapons.  The Deltas get ready to rumble.

BUCKAROO
No!  Go on, guys, no overtime on 
this one.  Go on, call it a day.

RUGSUCKER
What 'bout you, boss?

BUCKAROO
Uh, I've got some things to clear 
up.  I'll find a ride.  See ya.

They don't like it, but they sullenly exit.

TEMPLAR
Very wise move, Banzai.

BUCKAROO
Look -- Templar?  What the Hell is 
this all about?  Who issued --

TEMPLAR
President.  Of the United States.  
It's all there in black and white.  
Pass the word to your playmates, 
would you?  We catch 'em making 
like Batman, they go to jail.  
Have a good day.

He exits with the prisoners.  Buckaroo stares, dumbfounded, at the papers in his hand.

EXT. UNDERGROUND QUARRY - TWILIGHT

Lo Pep watches Bravos load one Dark Crystal into an 18-wheeler.  A small army of Bravos are on guard, and knots of Snake People are gathering, HISSING menacingly.  Xitha approaches Lo Pep.

LO PEP
I told you to get them outta here.

XITHA
They no longer heed.  They fear 
removal of the cyssstalsss.

LO PEP
Like I give a flying rat's ass.

XITHA
It isss sssaid sssuch a courssse 
presssagesss the end of the 
worlllld.

LO PEP
Tough sssshhhhit, sssssonny!

He yells orders in Mongolian, Bravos close up the truck.  Snake People HISS, rush forward.  Lo Pep turns away -- just as a fierce commotion erupts below.  Snake People jump the Bravos, squeeze and bite them.

LO PEP
WASTE 'EM!

Dozens of Bravos swarm out of the truck, OPEN FIRE with their automatic weapons, mowing down Snake People -- the survivors scatter, slithering into the rocks.  Ranteesh watches, hidden behind a veined crystal outcropping.

XITHA
I warned you --

LO PEP
Eat it, handbag!

He whips out an automatic, BLOWS XITHA OFF THE EDGE.  The High Priest's body smashes to pulp on the jagged rocks.

LO PEP
Round 'em up.  We don't need 'em 
any more . . . let's see if they 
taste just like chicken.

He laughs uproariously at his own joke.  Bravos, as usual, don't so much as crack a smile.

The truck RUMBLES toward a cavern wall.  Ranteesh clings to the top.  The truck FIRES A BLUE BOSON BEAM.  As it SLIPS INTO THE WALL, Ranteesh turns his face away, shivers.

EXT. NOTRE DAME CATHEDRAL - NIGHT

The HEMOGOBLIN draws a victim's blood through her pores, dumps her onto a pile of bodies.  A fusillade of bullets rips the air -- the 'Goblin SCREECHES, dives for a sewer.  Bullets tear up the street, as it oozes through the grate.

Reno, some French BBIs run to the grate.

RENO
Damn!  C'mon -- Allez!  Allez!

They pry it up, Reno peers into the dark below.

BBI
(in French)
You see him?  He is there?

RENO
(in French)
Too dark . . . can't see a blasted --

A high-pitched SCREAM SHATTERS every piece of glass in the area.  Reno sinks to his knees, covers his ears as the BANSHEE hurtles past -- her vibrating mouth open in a nerve-numbing HOWL!

Perched atop a car, she SHRIEKS again.  BBIs and bystanders drop, their ears and noses bleeding.

Reno grimaces -- raises his shotgun -- BLASTS Banshee off the car's roof.  She hits a wall, slumps, out cold.

Reno staggers toward her.  He aims -- a Gargoyle swats him away.  It ROARS as he looks up, stunned.

RENO
Mon Dieu!

DOCTOR DEMONIUS, a wizened Alchemist who still favors 15th Century fashions, swaggers out of the shadows.

RENO
Doctor Demonius . . . !

Doctor Demonius makes a sweeping, courtly bow.

DOCTOR DEMONIUS
At your service, mon ami.
(sings)
Be -- our -- GUEST!  Be our guest 
-- let us KILL you with ze REST -- 
since you come to interfere, we 
must consider you a PEST --

Over this, more stone Gargoyles detach, leap off the towers, swooping down on Reno's team.  They rend them tooth and nail.

Doctor Demonius laughs, as Reno watches in horror.  A Gargoyle stalks Reno, he empties his shotgun at it.  Nothing.

DOCTOR DEMONIUS
Oh, so sorry, mon cher, living 
stone, eh?  And now, how is it you 
young people say . . . let's ROCK!

Gargoyles leap.  Reno rolls, grabs a fallen BBI's gun.  He swings it around to aim at Doctor Demonius.

DOCTOR DEMONIUS
Eeek!

Reno FIRES -- SHATTERS AN AMULET around Doctor Demonius' neck.  Instantly, the Gargoyles return to lifeless stone -- crash to the ground.

DOCTOR DEMONIUS
No fair!

RENO
Complain to the French Consulate.  
Grab some sky, pardner.

The Hemogoblin engulfs Reno from behind.  Bleeding, Reno goes down.  It picks him up by his flak vest, smacks its lipless mouth.

DOCTOR DEMONIUS
Zat is for all those Inspector 
Clouseau movies!

EXT. CARPATHIAN VILLAGE - NIGHT

Bodies are strewn everywhere.  An OS AIRPLANE ENGINE recedes into the night, parachutes litter the streets.  Perfect Tommy and a FEMALE GYPSY STRIKE TEAM weave through the village.  TOKYO ROSE, a gorgeous, sexy Japanese Gypsy/Ninja, moves beside him.

PERFECT TOMMY
I still say this's no place for y'all.

TOKYO ROSE
Uh, who saved WHO'S ass the last 
three times out?

He makes a face.  They spot an imposing gothic Castle atop a craggy hill.  Lightning forks overhead, a pounding surf rages below.

PERFECT TOMMY
That's it, huh?

TOKYO ROSE
Whoa, good guess.  Now what?

PERFECT TOMMY
We ring the bell and yell "Trick 
or Treat".

TOKYO ROSE
We gonna wait for backup.  Yes?

PERFECT TOMMY
Uh.  We are backup.  C'mon.

EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD - NIGHT

They slip in through the gates, scoot for cover.  Perfect Tommy signals them to stay put while he and Tokyo Rose recon.  It's TOO quiet.  The Moon slips behind a claw-like cloud.

TOKYO ROSE
Shouldn't we be carryin' torches, 
or wolfbane, or somethin'?

PERFECT TOMMY
'Sokay, Toe Ro, I'm gonna need a 
change of underwear after this, too.

She jabs him.  They zigzag for the castle door.

INT. CASTLE - MAIN HALL - NIGHT

The squad eases in, flattens against the walls, tense.  Tokyo Rose, across from Perfect Tommy, shoots him a shaky look.  They take deep breaths, he nods.  He wipes his palms on his pants, silently counts to three.  He spins around a corner -- and SLAMS into a HIDEOUS, ROTTING ZOMBOID.

PERFECT TOMMY
Ghaaaa!

It ROARS wetly -- slashes at him -- he empties his shotgun into it, disgustedly brushes pieces of it off of his designer fatigues.  As it falls apart:

TOKYO ROSE
Tommy!  Look out!

Dozens of Zomboids grab at them.  Tokyo Rose BLOWS ONE MONSTER'S HEAD OFF.  An endless dead sea of them staggers out of the darkness, MOANING eerily.

EXT. CASTLE COURTYARD - NIGHT

Tokyo Rose, Perfect Tommy, the two Strike Team survivors regroup as Zomboids shamble toward them on three sides.  Behind them is a curving stone staircase.

PERFECT TOMMY
Sonofabitch!  It's a trap!

MORGAN LE FEY (OS)
How astute of you, Pretty One.

She's posed sexily on the curving stairs, looking like Bettie Page, her cape billowing, cleavage showing, fangs gleaming.

TOKYO ROSE
Oh, God . . .

PERFECT TOMMY
Great!  We hadda get the 
"Fangoria" centerfold.

Morgan Le Fey descends slowly in a cloud of swirling mist, enjoying it immensely.  GLEAMING EYES in the mist eddy around her, TORMENTED SOULS MOAN.

MORGAN LE FEY
Goot eve-nink . . . und velllcome 
to my caaaaastle . . . 
(giggles)
. . . dollink.

TOKYO ROSE
Now . . . what . . . ?

Doctor VULCAN (os)
Now?  Why, now you die, Me Dear.

DR. VULCAN, huge cranium, skeletal face, coke-bottle specs, club foot, limps into view, surrounded by drooling, radio-controlled Zomboids.

DR. VULCAN
Don't you read your own comic books?

MORGAN LE FEY
How deelicious!  What type are 
you, My Pet?  I don't want to get 
indigestion.

Perfect Tommy glances around desperately.  Only one way out.  Up.  The circle slowly tightens.

DR. VULCAN
What?  No annoyingly banal 
repartee?  Tsk, tsk.  Are your 
writers on strike, hmn?

PERFECT TOMMY
Maybe . . . but the special 
effects guys're still on the 
clock!

He jams a grenade onto his shotgun, FIRES into the middle of the Zomboids.  It EXPLODES!  Body parts fly everywhere.

MORGAN LE FEY
Look -- Aaaaaaarrrr!

Perfect Tommy, Tokyo Rose, the two girls haul ass up the steps.

Morgan Le Fey picks a moving eyeball out of her cleavage.

MORGAN LE FEY
I told you these walking doorstops 
weren't worth a crap!

EXT. CASTLE PARAPETS - STORM

A sudden, driving rain falls, lightning crackles.  Wind HOWLS.

PERFECT TOMMY
What the Hell?!

TOKYO ROSE
We're TRAPPED!

PERFECT TOMMY
Yer not workin' with me here.  C'mon!

They run for the edge.  Morgan Le Fey APPEARS before them in a FLASH OF LIGHTNING AND FIRE.

MORGAN LE FEY
Allo!  I see you!

Perfect Tommy FIRES at her.  She DEMATERIALIZES.

PERFECT TOMMY
Damn!  I HATE when she does that!

TOKYO ROSE
Where's Venkman when you need him?!

Zomboids drag the two BBIs away.  Perfect Tommy empties his gun at them.  There are too many.  He and Tokyo Rose back to the edge.  His foot dislodges a piece of stone that drops toward waves crashing against jagged rocks.

DR. VULCAN
Peek-a-boo!

Doctor Vulcan, the Zomboids close in.  They MOAN and HOWL horribly.  Perfect Tommy grips his weapon, blinks water out of his eyes.  No way out.  He glances at Tokyo Rose.

MORGAN LE FEY
Enough foreplay.  Come to Momma!

They look up -- Morgan Le Fey leaps from a parapet, her cape spread into batwings -- Dr. Vulcan hurls a flask.  Perfect Tommy shoves Tokyo Rose off the roof.

TOKYO ROSE
Yaaaaaaaa!

She plunges toward the water.

The flask SHATTERS at Perfect Tommy's feet -- Morgan Le Fey grabs his shotgun.  Swirling fumes overcome him, he sinks to the wet stones.  She throws her head back, laughs.

EXT. CASTLE - NIGHT (STORM)

Her diabolical laughter rings above the crashing thunder, pounding waves.

EXT. HIGHWAY TRUCKSTOP - DAY

Traffic speeds past Buckaroo in a phonebooth, one ear covered as he strains to hear.

BUCKAROO
What?  What?  No, it's so noisy 
here I can't hear you!  What?  Yes 
-- yes, that's correct.  That's 
the account number.  Huh?  
Frozen!?!  Since when?

That's it.  He drops the phone, gently bangs his forehead against the booth.

AGENT'S VOICE
(on phone)
Hello . . . ?  Hello . . . Mr. 
Banzai?  Are you there?  Helloooo?

He sighs loudly, runs a hand through his hair.  Walks to the edge of the road.  Sticks out a thumb.

EXT. JAPANESE INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX - NIGHT

A charming combination of old feudal, new high-tech.  THUMP!

INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTER

THUMP!  THUMP!  THUMP!  Sounds like a T-Rex's coming.  CRASH!

NEW JERSEY (OS)
Whoaaaaaaaaaa!

New Jersey, two Japanese BBIs SMASH through an ornate screen, skid across the floor.  They're followed by MISTER SUMO -- five hundred pounds of villainous blubber.  More BBIs jump Mister Sumo, he swats them off like fleas.

MISTER SUMO
HO, HO, HO!

Japanese soldiers clatter in, weapons ready.

NEW JERSEY
Now, c'mon, settle down, Big Fella.  We don't wanna -- whoa!  Hey!  Hey!

Sumo stomps toward him, grinning maliciously.  Soldiers fire.  TSUNAMI -- huge and wet -- POPPIN' FRESH MADE OUT OF WATER -- SPLASHES down, re-forms in front of Sumo.  The bullets are stopped by his watery bulk.

NEW JERSEY
Uh-oh . . . looks, looks like 
we're all washed up here . . .

TSUNAMI
(watery gurgle)
You . . . Pissing . . . Me . . . 
Off!

NEW JERSEY
Ohhhh, God -- surf's up!  Look --

Tsunami SMASHES them into the wall with a HYDRAULIC BLAST OF WATER from his lower regions.  They slump to the floor.

MR. SUMO
Ohhhhhhhhh . . . WIPE OUT!

INT. CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL - DAY

Blaring ALARMS.  Pecos, Big Norse, Pinky, Hawkeye step over unconscious Techs, Guards.  Papers, equipment are strewn everywhere.  Pecos nervously aims her gun into a lab, glances in, moves on.  Big Norse swings into a lab gun first, moves for a computer.

PINKY
I wish somebody'd shut off that 
gosh-darned klaxon!

PECOS
(pats his shoulder)
Easy, Pinky.

HAWKEYE
I-I-I-I don't like this, guys.  
Y-you know what they keep in here?

BIG NORSE
(off computer)
Oh, Jesus . . . Anthrax Cholera Prime.

PECOS
What?!?  That's not supposed to be 
anywhere NEAR a populated area!  
Are they nuts?!

BIG NORSE
Go figure.  C'mon.

Guns out, they move toward the end of the hall.

INT. CDC - VAULT AREA

They enter cautiously.

HAWKEYE
What's . . . what's Anthrax 
Cholera Prime?

PINKY
Y'know what anthrax is?  Well 
multiply it by itself a couple 
thousand times.

PECOS
Throw in e-bola, bubonic plague 
and leprosy for good measure.

BIG NORSE
Shake well, and --

The ULTIMATE SWAT TEAM bursts in, both sides point guns at each other.  Tense moment, as they size each other up.

SWAT COP
We're supposed to shut you guys 
down on sight.

BIG NORSE
So?

Swat Cop motions to his men to lower their weapons.

SWAT COP
So anybody asks, we haven't seen 
ya.  What happened upstairs?  
Last time I saw a mess like that 
was at Cyberdine.

PINKY
Gets better.  Anthrax Cholera 
Prime?

SWAT COP
Holy shit . . .

PECOS
If it leaves the building, book 
passage on the next Shuttle.  
Pronto.

Pecos peeks around the door, gasps.  Personnel are strewn all over.  Hawkeye points, shaking.

HAWKEYE
Oh God . . .

INT. CDC - SEALED ISOLATION CHAMBER

Behind the heavy glass walled window, WHAT'S LEFT OF A RESEARCH TEAM BUBBLES AND OOZES.

INT. CDC - VAULT

They enter, pointing guns at everything.  Pinky checks a decontamination setup.

PINKY
Norse, Pecos . . . missin' 
inventory here.

HAWKEYE
How . . . howhowhowhow do we know 
if . . .

BIG NORSE
(indicates Iso chamber)
Your clothes won't fit any more.

SWAT COP
That's it.  Any containment breach, 
evacuate and sterilize.  Nuke it 
if we have to.

BIG NORSE
You can't be serious!
(off his look)
What about the civilian population?  
The city of Atlanta's --

SWAT COP
Sometimes ya gotta make omelettes.

PECOS
Look out!

She FIRES at the door.  The DUNWICH HORROR ROARS, shakes its tentacles, STAMPS its cloven hooves, shambles out into the corridor.  Nobody moves.

PINKY
Oh, man, do we have to?

INT. CDC - UNDERGROUND CONTAINMENT CORRIDOR

TYPHOID MARY, a bag lady who looks like she's suffering from every disease known to man, loads BIOHAZARD CONTAINERS onto an electric cart.  She cackles mindlessly as The Dunwich Horror shambles in, bubbling obscenely.

DUNWICH HORROR
(sings loathsomely)
. . . that is not dead, which can 
eternal lie . . .

It flops onto the cart, parts of it OOZING OVER onto the floor.  Unconcerned, Mary hums, unscrews a container.  The Horror watches, fascinated.  Team Banzai, the SWAT Team burst in -- running on high octane adrenaline.

SWAT COP
FREEZE!  Get yer -- whoa shit!

BIG NORSE
Mary!  No!

Typhoid Mary looks at her, curious.
SWAT COP
Y-you . . . know each other?

PINKY
Typhoid Mary an' the Dunwich 
Horror.  Bad news.

Swat Cop looks at him:  "no kidding".

BIG NORSE
Mary . . . y-you open that . . . 
we all die.

MARY
(thinks a moment)
Uh-huh.

She pops the lid.  That's it.  The SWAT Team riddles her and the Horror with bullets.

PECOS
NO!  What are you --

BIG NORSE
Forget it!  Go.  Go!  GO!

They stampede as ALARMS go off.  At the far end of the tunnel, FOUR-FOOT THICK METAL DOORS BEGIN TO CLOSE . . .

The luckless SWAT Team clutch their faces, throats.  Skin comes off in strips.  They gurgle.  And melt.

Team Banzai hauls much ass.  The doors are almost completely shut.  They squeeze through, Pinky gets stuck.  They pull him out as the doors BOOM shut.

INT. CDC - ANOTHER CORRIDOR

Shaken, they look at each other edgily, to see if anyone's starting to melt, or glow, or crumble.

PINKY
M-my nose itches . . .

PECOS
S-so?

PINKY
I'm afraid to scratch it.

BIG NORSE
Decontamination.  Everything 
behind that door's bein' 
sterilized by Gamma Radiation.  
We're safe.

PASHA (OS)
I wouldn't count on it, sweetie.

They turn to see Pasha, and a squad of Bravos filling the corridor.  She smiles, snaps her head so that her braids strike SPARKS off the walls.

PASHA
We can do this peacefully . . . 
though I'd rather not.

Bravos surround them.  Lots of Bravos.

BIG NORSE
Lay 'em down.

They drop their weapons.

PASHA
(rolls her eyes)
God, you people are so gullible.

Ritualistically, they dart in, attack, dart back, too many to defend against.  One after another . . . Team Banzai falls under the ceremonial onslaught.  Pasha lights a cigar.

PASHA
Sissies.

EXT. CHINATOWN STREET - NIGHT

Buckaroo gets out of a Meat Truck, waves thanks.  The streets are empty, wet, silent.  He finds a ravaged pay phone, shakes his head.  He stops, listening.  Something's not quite right.  He crosses a street, heads down

EXT. CHINATOWN - ALLEYWAY - NIGHT

toward a taxi stand at the far end of the winding street.

Motorcycles materialize out of the dark, ridden by CLAN HOKKAIDO, Akira-esque 23rd Century Punks; lots of neon, leather, steel, body-piercings, knives, pipes, chains, etc.  Buckaroo shifts warily onto the balls of his feet as they circle around him.

ATTILLA (OS)
Welcome . . . Banzai-scum.

ATTILLA THE NUN, Shaolin From Hell, flips through the air toward him, lands lightly on her feet.  Snarls.

BUCKAROO
Attilla.  It's been awhile.

ATTILLA
Not . . . long enough . . . Hero!

BUCKAROO
I, uh, I don't suppose we could 
just siddown, have a few cups of 
sake, talk this over . . .

She SHRIEKS, attacks.  Buckaroo flips her into the gang.  They attack savagely, he kicks, throws them off their bikes.  Lots of flipping, leaping, fighting in mid-air.

Attilla footsweeps his legs from under him.  She leaps to stomp his head, he rolls clear, exchanges a flurry of incredible gung-fu blows with two thugs.  Attilla kicks him against a wall.

Buckaroo charges.  Attilla punches, using her arm he flips up and over, lands behind her; sprints for the street.

ATTILLA
Yaaaaaaaarrrrgh!

EXT. CHINATOWN STREET - NIGHT

They chase him.  Buckaroo grabs two garbage can lids, beats the dogshit out of the nearest thugs.  Disarms another with a kick, grabs his pipe and uses it, a la Jackie Chan, to fight his way clear.

Attilla wraps a bike chain around the pipe, yanks it out of his hands.

ATTILLA
Sayonara . . . Hero!

Buckaroo fights expertly, but is overwhelmed.  They pound him.  Attilla rears back for a killer blow, a HEAVY PAIR OF SADDLEBAGS sends her flying.

They've been wielded by JACK BURTON, OTR trucker/demon fighter, he casually slings the saddlebags over his shoulder, beer in hand.

JACK
Least ya could do is give 'im a 
chance to go fer 'is wallet, hah?

HOKKAIDO THUG
Hey, who the fuck're you?!

JACK
Burton's the name, JACK Burton.  
An' I'll tell ya what -- you 
little punks might THINK yer tough, 
but I've gone one-on-one with three 
Storms an' a seven foot DEAD geek 
with flamin' eyes.  So, who wants 
ta dance?

They look at each other, charge.  Jack drops into fighting crouch -- and a gang of YOUNG CHINESE WARRIORS flips out of the dark, yelling, punching, kicking.  Hokkaido get their clocks cleaned Matrix-style.

Jack helps Buckaroo to his feet, dusts him off.

JACK
Hey, Buckaroo.  Lost the tour, 
didja?

BUCKAROO
Yeah, something like that.  Say, 
listen, thanks . . .

JACK
Pssht!  You kiddin'?  Glad to be 
of service, amigo.  Looka there.

He proudly indicates a jacket patch.

BUCKAROO
(reads)
"Little Tokyo House of -- "

JACK
Huh?  Oh, hell, sorry . . . sorry.  
There.  That one.  That's it.

Indicates a BBI patch on his other shoulder.

Attilla hurls a wicked-looking knife -- Jack CATCHES IT BY THE BLADE.  He shrugs.

JACK
It's all inna reflexes.  Huhn --

Slings it -- pins her sleeve to a door.  She's had enough.  Hokkaido's down for the count, she rips free, beats a hasty, howling retreat.

BUCKAROO
I don't suppose you could teach me 
that?

JACK
Haw, what a card!

He slaps Buckaroo heartily on the back.  Buckaroo winces.  WANG, leader of the Warriors, joins them.

WANG
Sure don't make 'em like they used 
to, huh, Jack?  Hey -- you're --
JACK
Buckaroo Banzai.  Don't point.  
So, Buck, hey, can I call ya Buck?  
Thanks.  So, Buck, what're ya doin' 
in our neck o' the woods, guy?  
Hah?  Things a little slow down at 
the Institute, are they?

BUCKAROO
Actually, I'm tryin' to get back 
there . . . and not doing too well.  
I, uh, don't suppose one of you 
could lend me bus fare to New 
Jersey?

JACK
Pssht!  Do ya one better'n that, 
ol' buddy.  Wang, you an' the guys 
wanna go fer a ride out to Banzai 
country?

WANG
Why not?  Slow night.

BUCKAROO
Thanks.  How're we gonna --

Jack claps an arm around Buckaroo's shoulder, points to a nearby rig sans trailer.

JACK
The ol' Pork Chop Express, 
compadre.
(like John Wayne)
Whadda ya say we run us some red 
lights, hah?

EXT. NEW JERSEY - AIRFIELD - NIGHT

An 18-wheel rig with BANZAI INSTITUTE LOGO rolls up.  Guards wave it through the gate.

INT. HANGAR

Techs open the back of the truck, Bravos leap out, kick the crap out of them.  Lo Pep gets out, leads spacesuited Bravos toward a Shuttle flight crew.

LO PEP
So, listen . . . can we get a ride 
with you guys?

They're surrounded by vicious, armed Bravos.

EXT. NEW JERSEY AIRFIELD - NIGHT

A Bravo patrols the perimeter.  He steps past Ranteesh, who SLITHERS out from behind a rock, and off across the scrub.

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - FRONT HALL - NIGHT

Buckaroo bursts in, followed by Jack, Wang, the Warriors.

BUCKAROO
Hey!  Where the Hell is everybody?!  
Hey!  What --

Harried interns dash past wide-eyed, Buckaroo follows them:

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT

where pandemonium rages.

JACK
Bad time fer a visit, Amigo?

PROF. HIKITA
Buckaroo!

MRS. JOHNSON
Buckaroo?  Thank God you're here!

BUCKAROO
What the Sam Hill's goin' on?  It 
looks like World War Three.

PROF. HIKITA
Mmmm.  We've lost contact with all 
Strike Teams.

BUCKAROO
That's not possible.  What about 
emergency backups?

PROF. HIKITA
Just so.  Many questions.  No 
answers.

MRS. JOHNSON
Who're you, slick?

JACK
Huh?  Oh, Jack Burton, ma'am.

Tips his cap, shakes her hand vigorously.

JACK
Mighty pleased to meetcha.  Say, 
is it always like this around here?

MRS. JOHNSON
Nope.  This here's a slow day.
(waves to Wang and 
his boys)
Hey, guys.

Jack introduces them, b.g.  Buckaroo, Hikita work at the comm.  Hikita looks at him, relieved.

PROF. HIKITA
We were worried.  Seen any papers?  TV?

BUCKAROO
I'm trying to keep a positive mindset.

Hikita switches to a local newscast.

REPORTER
(on TV)
-- you can see, Tanya, anti-Banzai 
feeling's running pretty high here 
right now, what with --

Another channel, soldiers tow the jet car into a warehouse:

REPORTER 2
(on TV)
-- extent of the contamination is 
still not fully known, but the 
cause has definitely been traced to 
the Banzai Institute's jet car, 
which was seized earlier today --

Another channel:

REPORTER 3
(on TV)
-- members of both Houses voted 
unanimously to not only censure 
Team Banzai, but possibly shut 
down the maverick organization 
altogether.

ON SCREEN, angry citizens burn Banzai merchandise; sign-carrying crowds shout anti-Banzai statements at the CAMERA.  Teary-eyed KIDS throw Team Banzai ACTION FIGURES into trash cans.

WANG
Wow!  I thought you were the good 
guys.

BUCKAROO
At any given moment in a society's 
evolution, good's a relative term.

JACK
Not to worry, Buck ol' pal, these 
things always balance out.  The 
ol' yin 'n' yang, y'know what I'm 
sayin'?  Hate ya today, love ya 
tomorrow.

BUCKAROO
Provided there is a tomorrow.

JACK
Not sure I follow ya, old buddy.

BUCKAROO
Let's just say we can't afford to 
be out of commission right now.  
Hikita-san, is there anyone left 
we can get a hold of?  How 'bout 
the Collodnys?

PROF. HIKITA
Mmmmmm.  Perhaps.  However, with 
all the restraints on our 
activities . . .

MRS. JOHNSON
Well I say screw 'em!  Who do 
those ungrateful bastards think 
we're doin' this for in the first 
place?!

JACK
Whoa -- say, that's quite a temper 
ya got there, ma'am.  Yer not 
seein' anyone in particular, are 
ya?

BUCKAROO
What the -- What's happened to the 
database?

MRS. JOHNSON
(to Jack)
I'm not really --
(to Buckaroo)
-- what is it?

PROF. HIKITA
Here, too!  No satellite access.

BUCKAROO
We're off-line.  How the deuce -- ?

WANG
Remember to pay your phone bill?

PROF. HIKITA
Massive file corruption!  Security 
systems . . . information nets . . .

BUCKAROO
. . . communications.
(stunned)
We've been breached.

MRS. JOHNSON
No way!  How?

PROF. HIKITA
There's only one answer . . .

BUCKAROO
The clouds lift.  We've got a mole.

JACK
Gardenin' problem, huh?  Best thing I found --

Buckaroo heads for the stairs.

PROF. HIKITA
Where are you going?

BUCKAROO
Not shopping.  Ringo!  Get me the 
last coordinates on all our people.

MRS. JOHNSON
You can't go alone.

JACK
Sure as hell can't.  Hey, Buck, I'm 
goin' with ya.

WANG
Count me in, Buckaroo.

BUCKAROO
Thanks, guys.  It could get 
dangerous.

JACK
Pssht!  Danger's my hobby.

WANG
I thought that was armpit noises.

JACK
Hardee har har.

Buckaroo starts up the stairs.

TEMPLAR (OS)
Hold it right there, Banzai!

Templar, a squad of heavily-armed Rangers move in.

BUCKAROO
Not now, dammit --

TEMPLAR
Right now, Banzai!  It is my duty 
to inform you that you are under 
arrest.

PROF. HIKITA
Arrest?!

MRS. JOHNSON
What are you -- nuts?!

JACK
Look here, shorty --

TEMPLAR
Don't interfere.  I have here a 
Federal warrant, duly authorized 
and served.

WANG
Oh, yeah?  Want some fries with that?

They move forward, ready to rumble.

BUCKAROO
Wait!  What's this about?

TEMPLAR
I've got my orders, Banzai.  
Nobody operates above the law 
forever.
(looks around at the 
others)
How 'bout it, Banzai?  Oh, sure, 
you TALK a good patriotic, law-
abiding game.  But now that the 
chips're down, what's it gonna be?  
You walk the walk?

Buckaroo sees his people are ready to fight.  He looks from Templar to the silent, STREAMING IMAGES on the monitors.  Slowly, he comes down the steps.  Holds out his wrists.

MRS. JOHNSON
Buckaroo . . . !

PROF. HIKITA
Buckaroo, don't --

He stops them with a look.  Templar relaxes.  Cuffs are snapped on.  Templar steps aside.  Buckaroo falls in, marches out.  They watch him go, stunned.

At the top of the stairs, Penny watches, glassy-eyed.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

The room has been slightly altered -- now there is an IRREGULARLY-SHAPED ALTAR atop a pedestal reached by four sets of stone steps. ON A MONITOR SCREEN, Buckaroo gets into a car, Templar follows as Marines shove angry citizens back.  The car pulls away.

SHAN
(chuckles)
Ah, be still, my heart!  How does 
it feel, Mongrel, to have the 
entire world howling for your 
blood, eh?  Your sojurn in Hell 
has only just begun!

He sips at a goblet of blood, savors it, hits his commlink.  Lo Pep appears on screen.

SHAN
(deep, satisfied sigh)
Delightful, Lo Pep, exquisite!  
Now . . . Phase Two.

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT

Hikita sits back from his console, rubs his eyes.

PROF. HIKITA
. . . don't know how that could 
be?  It would have to mean . . .

Interns slump, dispirited, around the room.  Wang and his Warriors doze.  Jack babbles, drinks beer as Mrs. Johnson works at a console.

JACK
. . . oh, I dunno, sometimes I 
think I'd like ta settle down, 
stay put, but then, sooner or 
later I rub everybody the wrong 
way, y'know what I mean?

MRS. JOHNSON
Have you tried Zen?

JACK
Huh?  That's not one o' those shave 
yer head, an' annoy people in the 
airport deals, is it?  'Cause I 
tell ya --

MRS. JOHNSON
(frustrated, kicks the 
machine)
Somebody wanna give Gateway a --

An ALARM purrs.  Mrs. Johnson, Hikita snap to attention.

JACK
What?  Was it somethin' I said?

WANG
(smiles, eyes closed)
Way to go, Jack.

MRS. JOHNSON
Hikita-san?

PROF. HIKITA
Perimeter.  Motion detectors are 
back on line.

JACK
(comes over)
Say, what's up, there, Proferino?

MRS. JOHNSON
One of us?

PROF. HIKITA
Perhaps.

Interns are up.  Wang senses something, nudges his people awake.

JACK
Say, you folks always this wound 
up?  Mebbe ya oughta get a couple 
cold ones, kick back, an' --

OS explosion somewhere on the grounds.

MRS. JOHNSON & PROF. HIKITA
Not one of us!

WANG
(on his feet, keyed up)
What's up?

JACK
Dunno.  Say, Mrs. J . . .

MRS. JOHNSON
(straps on her guns)
Can't flirt now, handsome.

JACK
Shucks, thanks.  Anything we kin do ta help?

PROF. HIKITA
I wouldn't be surpri --

A DOOR EXPLODES OFF ITS HINGES.  Bravos swarm in.

WANG
All RIGHT!

Windows SHATTER -- more Bravos swing in.

JACK
Not bashful, are they?  Wang?

WANG
Let's shake the Pillars of Heaven!

Vicious close quarters combat rages.  Wang's everywhere, flying kicks, spinning sweeps, backflips, using anything handy as a weapon.  His boys also hold their own.

Jack grapples with a Bravo who picks him up, hurls him across the room into a console.  It EXPLODES, SPARKING.

Mrs. Johnson shoots several Bravos.

PROF. HIKITA
No good!  Our people are in the 
way!

MRS. JOHNSON
. . . knew I shoulda kept up with 
my lessons.  YAAAAAA!

Holsters her guns, fights a Bravo hand-to-hand.  Hikita uses a broom to parry, sweep, jab like a Wu Shu master.

Jack gets up, woozy, a Bravo sweeps his feet out from under him, he hits the floor hard.

Wang drops two Bravos, a third BLOWS POWDER IN HIS FACE.  He gasps, drops.  His Warriors are beaten down.  Hikita takes a staff to the back of the head.

Mrs. Johnson draws her gun -- a lamp SMASHES over her head.  She crumples, Penny steps in over her body, glassy-eyed.  Bravos carry off Hikita and Mrs. Johnson.  Penny leads other Bravos to:

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - BASEMENT GENERATOR ROOM

Penny watches expressionlessly as Bravos mine the generators.

INT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - COMMAND CENTER

Penny watches Bravos mine the nerve center.  Bravos drag Interns, Wang and his Warriors, and Jack out the door.  Bravos glide down from upstairs.

EXT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - DRIVEWAY - NIGHT

Bravos load bodies into their modified vans.  Hikita stirs, groggy.  He reacts, stunned, as Penny climbs into a van.  He looks around desperately, spots a nearby motorcycle.

He crawls to the bike, slips on, mumbling a prayer to the Gods of Chance, FIRES IT UP.  Bravos run for him, weapons out, HE POPS A WHEELIE, zips through them and away.

EXT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - GATES - NIGHT

Hikita hurtles through, speeds down the road into the woods.  Vans race after him, tires SCREECHING.

INT. LEAD VAN - MOVING

Bravos peer angrily ahead as Penny sits, glassy-eyed.

EXT. LAKESHORE - NIGHT

Hikita swerves onto the lake road, almost loses it -- his rear tire spins, catches.  He weaves desperately, vans try to head him off.  They close in, try to smash him between them, he pops the clutch, sails out from between them as they SLAM together.

A Bravo FIRES an assault rifle out a passenger window.

The bike's rear tire is shredded!  It shoots out over the lake -- hits the water.

Vans stop, Bravos run to the lake's edge.  The bike sinks.  No sign of Hikita.  They get back in.  Drive away.

EXT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - GROUNDS - NIGHT

An EXPLOSION RIPS THE MAIN BUILDING APART.  More EXPLOSIONS blast the complex.  The garage DISAPPEARS in smoke and flame.  Fires burn.  ALARMS whine.  Smoke fills the air.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT

McKinley yawns, moves past Secret Service Men.  As he pushes an office door open:

TEMPLAR (OS)
-- no longer a problem, 
Excellency.  Banzai's already in 
custody.

McKinley starts to knock on the inner door.  Templar's kneeling warrior style, facing a computer monitor.

TEMPLAR
No, the stupid American President 
doesn't have a clue . . .

McKinley stops, puzzled, listens.

TEMPLAR
. . . as usual.  Yes.  Of course.  
Thy will be done, Supreme One.

McKinley peeps around the door.  The TOP OF TEMPLAR'S RIGHT EAR'S MISSING.  He scratches the stub, carefully reapplies a fake piece to it.
McKinley flattens against the wall, his mind racing.  His hand drifts to his own ear, and suddenly, it clicks, he remembers the significance of the mutilated ear.

MCKINLEY
(mouths)
. . . Hanoi Shan . . . !

INT. SABAH - PRISON BLOCK

Cavaliers, surviving BBIs are packed into a bare, uncomfortable cell.  Bravos shove Mrs. Johnson, Wang, his boys, and Jack in.  As Team Banzai aids the newcomers:

RENO
(sees Jack)
You!

JACK
Huh?  Oh, Reno . . . hey how ya --

Reno tackles him, they scuffle briefly, the others separate them.

NEW JERSEY
Uh, I missed something here.

RENO
How's my ex-wife, douchebag?!

JACK
Uh, I dunno.  She dumped me.

RENO
Awwwwwww . . .

Lo Pep enters, grinning at them through the bars.

LO PEP
Comfy?

PERFECT TOMMY
Yo, Boris, don't we get a phone 
call?

LO PEP
You get shit, Round Eyes!  I just 
came by to gloat obnoxiously.

RENO
Blow it out yer --

LO PEP
Look around, peewee.  As you can 
see, Team Banzai is all present 
and accounted for.  The ones that 
still live.

NEW JERSEY
You know, I'd hate to think we're 
depriving a village somewhere of 
your services.

LO PEP
Damn.  Wish I'd said that.  Mind 
if I borrow it?  Thanks.  Your 
illustrious leader's in jail, 
your cub scout mercenaries are 
scattered, and Hikita is dead.

BIG NORSE
(false bravado)
You're so full of --

LO PEP
Don't take my word for it.  Ask 
someone who was there.

He snaps his fingers.  Penny steps out of the shadows, her eyes blank, her face expressionless.

MRS. JOHNSON
Penny!

PERFECT TOMMY
What the Hell's goin' on here --

NEW JERSEY
Penny, are you okay?  Is, is it 
true?  What --

PENNY
(empty smile)
Team Banzai is deader than disco.  
The Institute is destroyed.
(raises a fist)
Shan rules!

PECOS
Penny?  What the hell's wrong with 
you?!

LO PEP
She's tired of running with losers, 
sweetheart.  She's switched teams.

NEW JERSEY
I don't believe it!  She wouldn't --

Lo Pep pats Penny's ass, jerks his head toward the door, Penny hesitates for the briefest of moments, then she exits, still glassy-eyed.

RENO
Hey, Penny, wait!  Where you goin'?

PERFECT TOMMY
Penny!  Penny!  Dammit --

LO PEP
Save your breath, heroes.  You'll 
need it to scream for mercy.

He exits.  They look uneasily at each other.

EXT. LAUNCH SITE - DAY

Activity as a bird is prepared for launch.

INT. SHUTTLE

FLIGHT COMMANDER
(nervous)
Control . . . this is Sunbird.  
All systems go . . . ready when 
you are.

MISSION CONTROL VOICE
Uh, roger that, Sunbird.  Lookin' 
good.  Okay, you guys, have a nice 
trip.  Bring me back a t-shirt, 
huh?

The Commander sits back, tense.  His entire crew consists of evil, space-suited Bravos.

EXT. LAUNCH SITE - DAY

THUNDERING boosters lift the Shuttle off the pad . . . it climbs rapidly up . . . up . . . out of sight.

INT. SHUTTLE - CARGO HOLD

The Dark Crystal just about fills it to capacity.  It seems to be ABSORBING LIGHT.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - McKINLEY'S OFFICE - NIGHT

McKINLEY
(on phone, hushed)
That's right . . . no, dammit!  I 
need to speak with the President 
right away.  Yes, of course it's 
an emergency, you blockhead!  
Why else would I be -- Hello?  
Hello!  Hello --

TEMPLAR (OS)
Problem, John?

McKinley looks up, sees Templar standing in the doorway.  Shaky smile as he puts the phone down.

McKINLEY
Uh, n-no of course not.  Heh!  I 
was just . . . uh, y'see the 
President and I . . .

TEMPLAR
Question, John.  What is reality?

McKINLEY
Huh?
(glances nervously at 
his watch)
The only place you can get a 
decent steak, I, uh, say, listen, 
I've got a --

Templar clicks a remote.  McKinley jumps as the TV comes to life.

TEMPLAR
(eyes McKinley closely)
School's in.  Watch.

McKinley blinks at a regional newscast . . .

McKINLEY
Heh, I don't --

Interrupted by SHAN'S COAT OF ARMS.  A shadowy Shan sits on his Throne, Lo Pep stands beside him, illuminated by a red spotlight.  Stirring MUSIC swells up.

McKINLEY
Who . . . ?

LO PEP
(on TV)
His Celestial Excellency, HANOI SHAN!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

In bed, he squints up from a mountain of paperwork.  His wife snores beside him.

LO PEP
(on TV)
Supreme Commander of the Legions 
of Death!  Pivot of Mystery!  
Spawn of Hell!

INT. BRITISH PRIME MINISTER'S OFFICE - DAY

The Prime Minister hurries in as his Cabinet watches TV.

LO PEP
(on TV)
The Manchu Terror!  The Scourge 
of Burma!

INT. KREMLIN - PREMIER'S OFFICE

He stares hostilely at a staticky TV set.

LO PEP
(on TV)
The Face that is No Face!  The 
Heavenly Renegade . . .

INT. CHINESE GOVERNMENT HQ

Scowling uniformed officials watch.

LO PEP
(on TV)
The Blackguard, The Hinge of Fate 
of All the Asias!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - McKINLEY'S OFFICE - NIGHT

LO PEP
(on TV)
His Divine Sublimity!  Boss of the 
World Crime League!  The Devil 
Ghengis!  Khan of Khans!

The light comes up to reveal Shan, smiling benevolently.  TRUMPETS.  Exotic dancing girls.  Armed Bravos.

SHAN
(on TV)
Good evening, Our loyal subjects.  
It is with the greatest pleasure 
that We come before you to announce 
the dawn of a magnificent New World 
Order . . .

EXT. SPACE

The shuttle is in orbit, the Commander's body floats away, his helmet full of blood.  Floating Bravos in spacesuits guide the crystal, affixed to a BANZAI INSTITUTE SATELLITE ARRAY.

SHAN (VO)
(over above)
From this glorious moment forth, 
all nations, all peoples, all 
sovereign states, will acknowledge 
Hanoi Shan as absolute undisputed 
Ruler of All Mankind!

INT. WHITE HOUSE - PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

PRESIDENT
In a pig's eye, buster!

He starts to dial his phone.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM

SHAN
Many centuries ago, Our 
illustrious ancestors began the 
conquest of the inferior races of 
the known world.  Now We fulfill 
that destiny!  Ghengis, Triumphant!  
Ah, you ask yourselves, how could 
this possibly be?  Behold.

ON SCREEN, the satellite's boosters kick in.

EXT. SPACE

. . . it glides into position between the Earth and Sun.  Panels unfold, soak up sunlight.  The crystal glows, not with wholesome, bright light, but with a DARK, ELDRITCH NIMBUS.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - McKINLEY'S OFFICE - NIGHT

McKINLEY
(squints at the screen)
That's one of our . . . ?  He's 
not gonna . . . say, that baby's 
worth a lotta --

EXT. SPACE

A RIPPLING ENERGY VORTEX blasts toward Earth --

EXT. LOS ANGELES - NIGHT

-- AND IMPACTS a section of the city!  Beautiful People look surprised, confused, then terrified.  A WALL OF DARK ENERGY SPRINGS UP, rushes out from the epicenter.  Beautiful People are suddenly transformed into SNARLING DEATH DWARVES.

L.A. Cops arrive as Death Dwarves rampage through Beverly Hills.  A Cop fires at one -- it EXPLODES -- sets off a CHAIN REACTION as others also EXPLODE, cause more carnage.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

The phone drops from the President's hand onto his wife's head.  She wakes, annoyed.  He stares in shock.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - McKINLEY'S OFFICE - NIGHT

McKINLEY
Oh, dear god . . . !  Not 
Hollywood!

SHAN
(on TV)
The Day of Ultimate Destiny is 
upon you!  The Hour of the Second 
Coming!  The Time of Times!  Moment 
of Moments!  Brought to you by 
Banzai Institute, better living 
through advanced technology.  You 
have three hours.  Have a nice 
day.

a MONGOLIAN HAPPY FACE fills the screen.  Templar looks at McKinley, who is stunned, shaking.

TEMPLAR
So, Johnny boy.  What end of the 
food chain do you want to be on?

EXT. BANZAI INSTITUTE RUINS - NIGHT

Hikita staggers raggedly to the gate, sees the smoldering remains.  He groans in anguish, collapses, sobbing.  A SHADOWY FORM creeps up, stands over him.  It kneels, touches Hikita's head.  He looks up, startled.

RANTEESH
'Keeta!

INT. SABAH - HANGAR - DAY

Shan, Pasha look down from a balcony at sleek, sub-orbital personnel carriers.  NUCLEAR NAZI marches over.  His exposed, plasti-shielded brain CRACKLES WITH ENERGY.

NUCLEAR NAZI
Ve are rrrready to rrrroll, mein 
Fuhrrrerrrr.

SHAN
See that your people are in 
position at the appointed hour.

NUCLEAR NAZI
Und ze Third RRReich zhall rrrrize 
again!  Heil . . . Shan!

Shan smiles tolerantly, waves him away, Nazi goose-steps off.

SHAN
Something interesting will . . .

EXT. SABAH - CITADEL - DAY

Wave after wave of ships launch into the sky.

INT. CIA HQ - INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

Buckaroo throws his head back, screams!  He's strapped into a combo Iron Maiden/Lectroid Shock Tower.  Templar's on the phone.  He looks up, smiles, hangs up.

TEMPLAR
'Smatter, Banzai?  Not havin' a 
good time?  By the way, your 
intelligence people bought this 
baby from us.  We tried to sell 
'em the extended warranty, but . . .

He shrugs, watches Buckaroo's torment for a moment, then switches off the current, bored.  It opens, Buckaroo slumps, shaking, teeth clenched, drenched in sweat.

TEMPLAR
Not real impressive for a super hero.

BUCKAROO
Buh . . . buh . . . bite me . . .

TEMPLAR
Don't tempt me.

BUCKAROO
. . . whuh . . . what . . . d'you 
want . . .

TEMPLAR
(shrugs)
Nothing.  Just killin' time.  Know 
what the best part of this whole 
set-up is?

Buckaroo looks at him, groggy, hurting, not in the mood for guessing games.

TEMPLAR
It's soundproof.

He activates it, sits back to peruse a skin mag.  The device closes, Buckaroo writhes, fights back a shuddering scream of absolute agony.

EXT. BANZAI INSTITUTE RUINS - NIGHT

Hikita, bandaged, searches the rubble as Ranteesh watches.

PROF. HIKITA
. . . no good.  Nothing left.  
Don't know what to do . . .

RANTEESH
Banzai . . . ?  Banzai?

He poses heroically, hums the "Buckaroo Banzai March".  Hikita looks at him, surprised, shakes his head sadly.

PROF. HIKITA
I don't think we can get to him, 
my friend.  If he's even still 
alive.

RANTEESH
Where we go!  There we are!  Yes?

Hikita considers this.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT

Two of Shan's ships land on the lawn.  The President and Secret Service watch PUPPETMEISTER, AUNTIE MAIM, a contingent of Bravos stalk up to the door.

AUNTIE MAIM
You all packed, buster?

The President glowers.

INT. SABAH - BOUDOIR - DAY

Penny, tarted up like a Mongolian courtesan, is still in a trance.  Shan enters, studies her a moment, kisses, fondles her.  She responds, under his control.  At the height of their passion, he SHINES A LIGHT FROM ONE OF HIS RINGS on her.  Her eyes clear, she realizes who he is.  She struggles, finally pulls away, revolted.

SHAN
What's wrong, my love?  Do I need 
a breath mint?

He waggles his eyebrows, cackles maniacally.

PENNY
Uhhhhhggghhhh!

Penny flees wildly, followed by his MOCKING LAUGHTER.

EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - FEDERAL BUILDING - NIGHT

An angry mob SCREAMS, SHOUTS for Buckaroo's blood.  Four stone-faced Marines march a haggard-looking Buckaroo to a truck.  Marines barely keep the rabid crowd back.

MARINE
We oughta let 'em have you, traitor.  
Get in!

He shoves Buckaroo into the back, they get in.  The truck pulls off, the mob throws rocks, bottles.  At the end of the drive, McKinley flags them down, leans in the cab, shows his ID.

MCKINLEY
Gonna ride with ya.

They nod, he climbs in.

EXT. ARMORY - NIGHT

The truck turns in the gate, past armed Guards.

INT. ARMORY - LOADING BAY

The truck stops.  Two Marines jump out of the back.

MARINE
All right, get your ass --

They're HIT BY TRANQ DARTS, go down.  McKinley holds the tranq gun, the other two Marines start to jump out, Buckaroo knocks them out.  He eyes McKinley warily.

McKINLEY
Oh, for God's Sakes, Banzai, I 
just saved your friggin' life!

BUCKAROO
Am I the only one who doesn't 
know what the Hell's goin' on 
around here?

McKINLEY
(hands him a gun)
Plot to take over the world, short 
version:  Templar's in cahoots with 
Hanoi Shan.

BUCKAROO
SHAN?!?!

McKINLEY
They got some kinda killer 
satellite of yours in orbit.  
We've got less than three hours 
left to take it out.

BUCKAROO
Killer . . . uh . . . that much 
time, huh?

McKINLEY
Hey, you're Buckaroo Banzai.  I 
figured you'd have a plan.

BUCKAROO
Oh.  Okay.  Gimme a minute . . .

INT. ARMORY - MAIN STORAGE AREA - NIGHT

McKinley swaggers toward two Marines guarding the jet car.  It's covered by heavy plastic sheets.

McKINLEY
Say there, fellas?  I wonder if 
you boys could do me a teensy 
little favor?

GUARD
No one's supposed to be in here, 
sir.

McKINLEY
Aw hell, ya know who I am, don't 
ya?

GUARD
No sir.

McKINLEY
Good.
(whips out two .45s)
Raise 'em.  C'mon, Rambo, get 'em 
up.  Up!  Up!

They drop their guns.  Buckaroo enters, smiling.

BUCKAROO
You're wasting your talents.

McKINLEY
Just hurry up an' get that thing 
started.

Buckaroo slips under the plastic sheets.

INT. JET CAR

He takes the overthruster from a secret compartment under the coochi-coochi girl on the dash, installs it, fires it up.  It HUMS, BEEPS, WHIRRS, locks into position.

INT. ARMORY - MAIN STORAGE

TEMPLAR (OS)
Goin' somewhere, John?

He holds an M-16 on McKinley.  One Guard takes McKinley's gun.

McKINLEY
Aw, shit . . .

GUARD
Thanks, sir, they --

Templar blows him away.  McKinley, Guard 2 jump.

TEMPLAR
I hate incompetence.  Out of the 
car, Banzai, or I turn your buddy 
here into mulch.  MOVE!  And bring 
the overthruster with ya.

Buckaroo appears from beneath the plastic, something in his raised hand.  Templar smiles.

TEMPLAR
I'll take that.

Buckaroo hesitates, tosses it to him.

TEMPLAR
Shoulda gone with the program, pal.

Turns the gun on McKinley, cocks it.

McKINLEY
S-s-screw you.

Templar smiles.  Buckaroo dives into the jet car.  Templar spins on him, FIRES, bullets rip the plastic -- SPANG off the hood.

INT. JET CAR

Buckaroo hits a dashboard switch -- a GRAPHIC SHOWS ENERGY LINES around a silhouette of the jetcar -- message:  SINED . . . SEELED . . . DELIVERED.

INT. ARMORY - MAIN STORAGE

Templar fires, charges the jet car.  THE BEAM FIRES, he ducks.  He shoots, SOMETHING LARGE, ALIEN, NASTY-LOOKING RISES OUT OF THE SHIMMERING FLOOR BEHIND HIM.

McKINLEY
HOLY SHIT!!!

It grabs Templar, whips back into the floor.  The beam snaps off.  Buckaroo comes over.

McKINLEY
. . . I DON'T wanna know what that 
was.  I thought you gave him . . .

BUCKAROO
Game boy.  Ready?

They get into the jet car.  The Guard stares, shell-shocked by all the strangeness he's just witnessed.  They're definitely NOT paying him enough for this shit.

BUCKAROO
(to Guard)
Least you coulda filled up the tank.

They drive off.

INT. JET CAR - NIGHT - MOVING

McKINLEY
So, now what?

BUCKAROO
Now the fun begins.  No one's ever 
gotten out of Sabah alive.  Even if 
we succeed, the best we can hope 
for's to wind up dead.

McKINLEY
NOW you tell me.

BUCKAROO
I can drop you off.

McKINLEY
(sighs)
Why?  After tonight, I've blown my 
401-K all to hell.  Banzai!

EXT. JET CAR - NIGHT

BUCKAROO (VO)
Hang on!

It accelerates straight for the side of a building.

McKINLEY (VO)
Gyaaaaaaaaaa!

The jet car FOLLOWS THE BLUE BEAM INTO THE WALL.

INT. SABAH - TORTURE CHAMBER

Penny watches from a balcony as:

Reno SCREAMS on a rack . . . Perfect Tommy jerks in pain under a SONIC BEAM DEVICE . . . Bravos use an ELECTRIC PROD on Pecos as Jack and Wang struggle to get free of their chains to help her . . .

New Jersey, Big Norse are dragged in, limp, battered, dumped on the floor.  Penny shuts her eyes tight, turns away.

EXT. BANZAI INSTITUTE RUINS - NIGHT

Buckaroo, McKinley prowl amid the rubble.  Buckaroo kneels beside the remains of Rawhide's sarcophagus, picks up the charred plaque.  All that's left is:  "IT'S ANOTHER".

PROF. HIKITA (OS)
They did a thorough job.

Buckaroo looks up, sees Hikita, Ranteesh.  McKinley raises his weapon.  Hikita jumps in between them.

PROF. HIKITA
No!  Ranteesh's people were 
enslaved by Shan!  He's on our 
side!

RANTEESH
Oh, boy!  Buckaroo Banzai!

He bows reverently.  Buckaroo looks at Hikita, in anguish.

BUCKAROO
How?  What about the others?  
Penny!  Is she --

PROF. HIKITA
(doesn't want to tell 
this)
. . . it was . . . Penny, Buckaroo.  
She was the --

Hikita shrinks away from the look in Buckaroo's eyes.

PROF. HIKITA
I . . . I didn't want to believe 
it, either!  I . . . but I saw 
her, conspiring with Shan's Bravos.  
I'm sorry . . .

BUCKAROO
(empty)
That's why . . . he's been one 
jump ahead of us all the way.

McKINLEY
Not that I know what the Hell 
you're talkin' about, but 
shouldn't we do something about 
that madman?
(glances at his watch)
We got two hours and three minutes 
left.

Buckaroo pulls himself together with difficulty.

PROF. HIKITA
One bit of good news . . . the 
beam that killed those people 
didn't come from the bus.

McKINLEY
Hell it didn't!  You've got the 
only overthruster --

BUCKAROO
No, John, no.  Shan's been using 
-- spying on us all this time, it 
stands to reason he swiped the 
'thruster.  Some hero I am.  If 
it was a snake -- sorry, Ranteesh.

RANTEESH
Go getum?  Save my people?

BUCKAROO
We'll do our best.  Though lately 
. . . by the way, how did you find 
us?

RANTEESH
Sacred Book show me!

BUCKAROO
Sacred -- ?

Ranteesh reverently produces a BUCKAROO BANZAI COMIC BOOK from a body pouch.  Even Buckaroo's unprepared for this.

BUCKAROO
Where . . . where'd you get this?

RANTEESH
John People leave 'em.

McKINLEY
John People?!?  Who the hell're 
they?

BUCKAROO
(smiles)
Small multiverse.

McKINLEY
Sacred Book my --

BUCKAROO
Today's trash, tomorrow's treasure.

He gathers himself, heads for what used to be his bedroom.

PROF. HIKITA
Where are you going?

BUCKAROO
To get my guns.

EXT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - REMAINS OF BUCKAROO'S ROOM - NIGHT

Buckaroo opens a scorched safe, removes a blackened case.  He opens it.  Inside, are two pearl-handled silver Navy Colt .44s, an Old West-style gunbelt, and a Samurai sword.

He straps the gunbelt on as if performing a Zen ceremony:  checks, sights, twirls and holsters each pistol.  Puts on a red headband.  Takes the sword and scabbard, holds it up.

BUCKAROO
(in Japanese)
Here open the Gates of Hell.

Hikita, Ranteesh enter as he loads his gunbelt, bandoleers.

PROF. HIKITA
Let me come with you.  That devil --

BUCKAROO
No, no, Hikita-san.  All things 
considered, you'll probably be 
safer far away from me . . .

Hikita puts a hand on Buckaroo's shoulder.

HIKITA
Don't start to doubt yourself now, 
Buckaroo.  It has been said . . . 
only when all you believe is 
surrendered, can you truly see 
what is.

McKinley HONKS the jetcar's horn.  Ranteesh jumps.

BUCKAROO
Ready?

RANTEESH
By Great Yig's first egg . . . we 
live or die as nest-mates, from 
first spawn to last shed, Banzai-
klash.

BUCKAROO
Great.  Let's go . . . bite 
somebody in the ass.

PROF. HIKITA
The gods watch over you.

Buckaroo and Ranteesh run to the jet car and climb in.

INT. JETCAR

McKINLEY
Couldn't we go around stuff this 
time?

EXT. JET CAR - NIGHT

THE BOSON BEAM BLAZES -- the jet car backs up, hurtles forward as Hikita watches, SHOOTS INTO A HILLSIDE.  He stands, buffeted by the backwash, bites his lip.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

Some type of eldritch ceremony is being prepared.  Almost naked Temple Wenches dance around the Altar.  Bravos line the hall, swords out, beneath towering monstrous statues.  Robed priests slowly CHANT, sway to the POUNDING OF DRUMS and PIPING OF FLUTES.

EXT. SABAH - JUNGLE - NIGHT

Shan's Citadel looms in the hazy distance.  Near the jet car Buckaroo checks weapons, equipment.  McKinley looks around nervously.  Ranteesh sits, staring at a small mammal.

BUCKAROO
Guess we're ready as we're gonna 
get.

McKINLEY
How many of these guys did you say 
there were?

BUCKAROO
Best not to dwell on that.  
Remember the koan about the tiger 
and the strawberries?

McKINLEY
You know what the trouble with 
that Zen crap is?

BUCKAROO
You can't copyright it?  Ready, 
Ranteesh?

Ranteesh lunges, SWALLOWS THE MAMMAL LIVE.  McKinley gags.

McKINLEY
Oh, dear God!

RANTEESH
Mmmmm.  Good!  Want Ranteesh catch 
you one?

McKINLEY
Oh, my --

BUCKAROO
Uh, not just yet, buddy.  Let us 
work up an appetite, first.

Ranteesh nods happily, slithers off.  McKinley looks sick.

BUCKAROO
Overcooked food's not good for you 
anyway, John.

He starts off.  McKinley shudders, follows.

EXT. SEA - NIGHT

Offshore.  The sound of DRUMS, CHANTING.

EXT. SEA - UNDERWATER

Atlantis, Team Banzai's nuclear yellow submarine, closes on Shan's island.

INT. ATLANTIS - CONTROL ROOM

Tokyo Rose is at the helm, surrounded by battle-suited BBIs, including three Blue Babe Irregulars:  DURANGO on periscope; ZYDECO, GUNSLINGER on sonar arrays.  Durango makes her way forward.

DURANGO
This is totally nuts, y'know.  
We're probably the only ones goin' 
in there!

TOKYO ROSE
Cool.  We'll get the best seats.

EXT. SEA CLIFFS - NIGHT

Dozens of SMALL, SLEEK CRAFT SHOOT OUT OF UNDERWATER TUBES along a cliff wall, manned by GILLED, WEB-FINGERED PILOTS.  AMPHIBIOUS GUNNERS behind each pilot FIRE mounted pulse-rifles.

INT. ATLANTIS - CONTROL ROOM

IMPACTS thud against the hull.  Durango leaps to the scope:

DURANGO
Yeek!  OhmyGod -- NAUTILOIDS!

TOKYO ROSE
Who woulda guessed?  Battle 
stations!

EXT. SEA - UNDERWATER

'Loids speed toward Atlantis, FIRING pulse weapons.

INT. ATLANTIS - CONTROL ROOM

Zydeco hangs on as the sub's ROCKED by hits.  She studies a sonar monitor.  BLASTS rock the ship.

ZYDECO
Button up you asshole, cherie!  
Ze welcome wagon she rollllin' 
out!  Yeeeehaaaa!

Tokyo Rose rolls her eyes, straps into the comm seat.

EXT. SEA - UNDERWATER

Dozens of 'loids close on Atlantis, BLASTING away.

INT. ATLANTIS - CONTROL ROOM

OS EXPLOSIVE SHELLS tear at the hull.

TOKYO ROSE
(into headset)
Openin' up -- one can -- nautical 
whup-ass!  FIRE!

EXT. SEA - UNDERWATER

Torpedoes streak out, BLOW THE 'LOIDS IN FRONT TO CHUM.  More close in, FIRING.  They're faster, more maneuverable.

INT. ATLANTIS - CONTROL ROOM

GUNSLINGER
They're too fast.  They're evading 
our torpedoes.

TOKYO ROSE
We'll have to destroy them ship to 
ship.

ZYDECO
Hoooooowaaaaaahhhhh!

EXT. SEA - UNDERWATER

'Loids zip and hurtle through the water around the sub.  EXPLOSIONS tear at her hull.

Suddenly, SLED-POWERED COMMANDOS, led by Tokyo Rose, Zydeco, Gunslinger, Durango SHOOT OUT OF THE TUBES.  Firing spearguns, underwater missiles, they close on the 'loids.  The water CHURNS AND ROILS with the savage battle.

EXT. SABAH - JUNGLE - NIGHT

Shan's massive Citadel fortress looms atop a cliff above the steaming jungle.  Three tiny figures climb the rock wall.

Buckaroo climbs, linked to McKinley by a rope.  McKinley's not enjoying this at all.  He clings to the rock, swatting at insects.  Ranteesh slithers up beside him.  His forked tongue darts out -- snags juicy insects out of the air.

McKINLEY
Ghaaaaaaa!  Ghaaaaa --

He recoils -- falls off the sheer wall.  Buckaroo's almost jerked off, but he manages to hang on.  McKinley dangles in the air, panting, his eyes shut, afraid to move.

BUCKAROO
John -- John -- come on -- let's 
go!

McKinley shakes his head, trembling.

BUCKAROO
John -- John!

He shakes his head again.

BUCKAROO
Ranteesh . . .

Ranteesh looks up, nods.  He slithers up, slings McKinley over his shoulder.  McKinley almost shits all over himself.

McKINLEY
Uh, wait . . . wait!  OH, GOD -- 
Yaaah . . . yaaaaah!

Ranteesh climbs nimbly after Buckaroo.

BUCKAROO
Shhh!

High above them, Shan's massive Citadel waits.

INT. SABAH - PRISONER HOLDING AREA

Team Banzai, battered and abused, are crammed into medieval cages suspended above a spiked floor.  Below, POISONOUS SNAKES slither between the spikes.  DRUMS, MUSIC can be heard.

Penny appears on a catwalk some feet away.

BIG NORSE
Wh . . . Penny!

RENO
What?  Well, well, if it isn't the 
ol' kiss o' death herself.

Stung, Penny turns to leave.

MRS. JOHNSON
Wait, Penny, wait!

Penny hesitates.

PERFECT TOMMY
That rat bastard send you to twist 
the knife?  Or you workin' on your 
own?

Penny looks away, tears in her eyes.

NEW JERSEY
C'mon, guys.  Hey, Penny, you 
feelin' okay?  Hey, how's your head, 
huh?

PENNY
Bet . . . o-okay.  Okay, Jersey.

PECOS
We supposed to beg you for our lives?

PENNY
N-no!  I . . . I couldn't . . .

NEW JERSEY
Hey, Penny . . . take it easy, 
okay?  Hey, hey, it's okay, I saw 
the EEG's . . . if I had been doin' 
my job . . . takin' care of business 
instead of playin' Hopalong Cassidy 
. . . it's okay, you, you had no 
choice.  We, we know that, right, 
guys?

RENO
(turns away)
Ah, grow the hell up, willya?

NEW JERSEY
Hey, c'mon, give the kid a break . . .

PERFECT TOMMY
Whadda ya need it -- tattooed on 
your freakin' forehead?!  She sold 
us out, doc.

Penny shakes her head miserably, begins to cry.

NEW JERSEY
There were extenuating 
circumstances, guys.  Look, can't 
we be a bit more understanding --

PERFECT TOMMY
Of what?  Lookit, Bobby Sunshine --

NEW JERSEY
Yah.  Yah, that's right, I forgot.  
I need to keep my yap shut, huh, 
Tommy?  Yeah, 'cause, 'cause I'm 
still the New Kid on the block, 
yes?  The tinhorn?  The tenderfoot?  
Butt of the practical jokes?  
Mmm.  You, you guys, on the other 
hand . . . well . . . how long've 
you been with Buckaroo?  Huh?  
Tommy?

PERFECT TOMMY
Aw, listen, man I didn't --

PENNY
It's alright, Jersey, you don't 
have to --

NEW JERSEY
Oh, yes I do . . . yes I do . . . 
yes I do.  I do need -- I guess 
we all need to know where we stand, 
now the chips're down.  It must be 
great to have all that, all that 
training and experience behind you.  
Makes you ready for just about 
anything, huh, Pecos?  Reno?  
Norse?

They look away.

NEW JERSEY
Yah, God, y'know, all my life I've, 
I've -- well, my adult life, anyway 
-- I've dreamed about bein' one of 
Team Banzai, the Hong Kong Cavaliers.  
One for all, an' all for one, huh?  
Well, in the Press Releases, anyway.  
Gosh oh golly gee.  An', an', an' 
I'll just bet that if Shan got to 
one of you . . . one of US instead, 
why we'd've been able to shrug it 
off.  No problem.  Yes?

MRS. JOHNSON
Good for you, Jersey.

Penny looks at him, her gratitude mixed with her tears.  Lo Pep appears behind her.

LO PEP
What are you doing here?  Get 
below.

NEW JERSEY
'Sokay, Penny.  We'll catch up.

She reluctantly exits.  Lo Pep sneers at them.

NEW JERSEY
You, you got something caught in 
your teeth, there.

INT. SABAH - TUNNEL

Buckaroo pulls himself up, peers into the entrance.  The SOUND of the STRANGE CEREMONY wafts up around him.

McKINLEY (OS)
Careful!  Uh!  Jesus!  For God's 
sake!  Help!

Ranteesh drops him on his ass.  Buckaroo clamps a hand over the terrified McKinley's mouth.  Buckaroo removes his hand, motions for them to keep quiet, follow him.  They move to:

INT. SABAH - INTERROGATION CHAMBER

Cobwebs . . . human skulls . . . fearsome masks . . . the chamber is also crammed with diabolical torture devices.  Some still hold human bodies.

BUCKAROO
One of Shan's game rooms.

McKINLEY
Listen . . . may . . . maybe we 
oughta go back and get some help?  
I --

BUCKAROO
Don't know if you noticed, sport, 
my popularity's not what it used 
to be.  Shhh . . .

McKinley stays close to Buckaroo.  Ranteesh goes after a rat.

McKINLEY
What -- cut it out, you!  You're 
gonna get us killed!

RANTEESH
Junk food.  Yummy!

He holds it up, squirming, by the tail.

McKINLEY
Ugh!  Don't -- don't -- Bleah!

Queasy, he moves to the other side of Buckaroo as Ranteesh swallows it.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM

Bravos everywhere.  A Dark Crystal gleams evilly above the Altar, STRANGE, DISQUIETING SHAPES SWIRL WITHIN ITS FACETS.  Team Banzai is dragged in, looking like seven kinds of used Hell.  Shan, flanked by Pasha, Lo Pep, assumes the Throne.  He's wearing his robe of index fingers.

Above a Command Platform is a HOLOGRAM of the satellite, and Earth.  A display reads:  "TIME TO INTERPHASE:  10 MINUTES".

WANG
Hey, Jack, deja vu, huh?

JACK
Who the Hell is that?  And what 
the Hell is he wearing?  No, don't 
tell me.

LO PEP
Show respect, filthy swine!  You 
are in the presence of his 
Excellency, Hanoi Shan!  Supreme 
Commander of --

NEW JERSEY
Uh, thanks, but if it's all the 
same to you, we've already heard 
his pedigree.

Lo Pep glares at him, hand on his sword.  Shan is amused.

SHAN
So, enjoying the tour?  How do you 
like Ghengis Land, eh?

RENO
Lots of space.

BIG NORSE
Interesting decor.

PERFECT TOMMY
Little tacky.

MRS. JOHNSON
It sucks moose --

NEW JERSEY
Why, Mrs. Johnson, Mrs. Johnson, 
I'm surprised at you.  We're guests.

SHAN
Was it as good for you as it was 
for us?

PECOS
What's this set-up all about?  You 
find the Lost Ark?

SHAN
Ah, someone's paying attention.  
It always pays to have an alternate 
plan.  Keeps things interesting.

PERFECT TOMMY
All this mumbo-jumbo supposed to 
scare us?

SHAN
I would say:  "Be afraid . . . be 
very afraid . . ." but I think 
someone already has.  Now, where 
was I?

NEW JERSEY
Uh, 'scuse me, 'scuse me, Mister 
Evil Overlord, sir, uhm, we're not, 
we're not gonna have to listen to 
that corny old "and now, as you 
watch helplessly, I shall conquer 
the world -- BYOOOOHAHAHAHAAA!" 
speech, are we?

Shan eyes him coldly.  New Jersey gives him a charming, boyish smile.

INT. SABAH - A ROCKY ALCOVE ABOVE THE TEMPLE

Buckaroo, McKinley, Ranteesh watch from high up in the rock wall. Ranteesh holds up a CEREMONIAL DEMON MASK, taps McKinley on the shoulder.  McKinley turns, almost has a heart attack, snatches it away.

BUCKAROO
I think you're right, we may need 
a couple more guys.

McKINLEY
Oh, great . . . where we gonna --

BUCKAROO
Ranteesh, think you can find your 
people?

McKINLEY
Huh?  What?  Who's --

RANTEESH
(flicks his tongue)
Sssniff 'em up!  Sssssssss!

McKinley recoils, shudders, nods reluctantly, eyes closed.

BUCKAROO
Poisonous help's better than no 
help at all, John.  Good luck.

McKINLEY
Oh, God!  What are you gonna do?

BUCKAROO
Not sure.  I'm makin' it up as I 
go along.  Be careful.

McKinley looks doubtful.  He and Ranteesh scuttle out.

McKINLEY
Hey, you . . . no eating, got it?  
NO -- eating!

Buckaroo moves back to his vantage point.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM

Bravos drag a struggling female BBI forward.  Team Banzai's kept back.  Shan smiles malevolently, intones, raises his hands.  DARK ENERGIES CRACKLE BETWEEN HIS PALMS -- ENGULF THE BBI.  She writhes, SCREAMS -- as her SOUL IS WRENCHED OUT, she becomes a Death Dwarf.

The others recoil, turn away in horror and disgust.

NEW JERSEY
Oh, my -- y'know, Shan, if you 
invested a little time in therapy --

A scowling Bravo backfists him in the mouth.

SHAN
Oh, it gets more interesting, I 
promise.  And everyone gets to 
play.  No need to despair.  Any 
preferences?

RENO
Old age?

Shan chuckles.  Bravos drag Big Norse toward the altar.  As she struggles, the others try to help.

NEW JERSEY
Okay.  Okay, hold it, Fooey Manchu.  
Hold it!

He almost succeedes in breaking free, a Bravo raises his staff to let Jersey have it, Shan holds up a hand.  The Bravo steps back, Shan's eyes narrow as he regards Jersey.

SHAN
You are beginning to annoy me.

NEW JERSEY
I just thought a tough guy like you 
oughta pick on someone in his own 
class.  Unfortunately, we didn't 
bring any chimpanzees with us.

Team Banzai breaks up.  A Bravo punches New Jersey in the gut.

INT. SABAH - THE ALCOVE

Buckaroo winces.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM

New Jersey's dragged, gasping, to the pit.  He teeters, pulls back as far as he can, toes at the edge.  Down below, SOMETHING DARK, SLIMY, AWFUL stirs.

Eyes gleaming, Pasha leans over, purrs to Shan.

PASHA
Give him to me, Great One.  Mmmmm, 
I haven't had a good laugh in ages.

SHAN
There's hardly enough of his 
raggedy ass to make an entertaining 
spectacle.

PASHA
You might be surprised.

He shrugs, she moves sensuously toward New Jersey, The Bravos holding him step back, smirking.

INT. SABAH - THE ALCOVE

Buckaroo starts climbing down carved demons.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM

The console readout:  "TIME TO INTERPHASE:  8 MINUTES".

Pasha circles, seductive, feline, deadly.

NEW JERSEY
Hi there.  Uh, wow, cool outfit.  
Doesn't that chafe in all this 
humidity?  Oh, say, cornrows!  
I've always found them to be very 
attract --

She wheel kicks him in the face.  The others move forward, Bravos beat them back.  New Jersey staggers, bleeding, as Pasha pummels him mercilessly.

Buckaroo drops several feet to a ledge strewn with snakes, human bones.  He leaps nimbly across an opening to a network of rope-bridge catwalks.

New Jersey teeters, dazed, on the pit's edge.  Whatever is down there GROWLS in anticipation.  Pasha runs forward, swings her head --

RENO
Jersey!

PERFECT TOMMY
Cowboy!  Duck, man, DUCK!!!

New Jersey barely avoids her lethal hair, she backflips -- kicks him in the mouth.

BIG NORSE
Bitch!  Cut it out!

Pasha crawls sensuously to New Jersey on all fours, lifts his head, licks his bloody face.  He coughs out blood.

NEW JERSEY
. . . y'ever considered a career 
in Human Resources?

She slams him against a column.  Whips her hair around -- SEVERAL SHURIKEN BURY THEMSELVES IN HER ASS -- she HOWLS in pain.  New Jersey looks up, groggy.

NEW JERSEY
Huh . . . ?

All eyes turn toward Buckaroo, at the edge of the hall.

SHAN
(stunned)
Banzai!!??

Buckaroo salutes.  Shan glowers at his Bravos.

SHAN
WELL?!?!?!

They surround Buckaroo, take his weapons, shove him roughly before Shan.

NEW JERSEY
Oh, hey . . . I hate to seem 
ungrateful, but . . .

BUCKAROO
(sympathetic smile)
Hadda park a couple blocks away.  
Are you --

PENNY
Buckaroo --

His deadly stare stops her.

BUCKAROO
Nice outfit.  Red's your color.

LO PEP
Shaddup!

He rabbit-punches Buckaroo in the side, Buckaroo winces.

PENNY
Stop it!

SHAN
Congratulations, Mongrel.  No one 
else has ever successfully 
infiltrated this installation.  
Impressive.  Stupid.  But 
impressive.

NEW JERSEY
Buckaroo, it wasn't Penny's --

BUCKAROO
Save it, Sidney.  So, Shan, it's 
payback time.

SHAN
Oh, please -- don't hurt me.  I 
surrender.

Lo Pep, Bravos laugh uproariously.  Pasha steps up, SMASHES a palm heel into Buckaroo's face.  She pulls his head back, bares STEEL CLAWS:

SHAN
Patience.  Patience, Pasha, my pet.

Buckaroo gives her a bloody grin, shrugs.  She spits in his face, slinks off.

PENNY
Why did you come?  Oh, Buckaroo --

BUCKAROO
Oh, I'm sorry . . . wasn't that the 
idea?  Isn't that why I was led to 
believe you're Peggy's twin sister?

SHAN
Oh, not her twin sister.  No, no 
no no no no no no.  I thought 
you'd have figured it out by now.

NEW JERSEY
Whoa.  She, she isn't?

BUCKAROO
Another Mongolian mindfuck?  Who 
is she then?

SHAN
I'll give you a hint.

He presses a stud on his throne arm.  WALL SECTIONS RUMBLE OPEN, REVEALING A ROW OF LARGE TUBES.  Each is filled with amniotic fluid, EACH CONTAINS A NAKED HUMAN FORM.

NEW JERSEY
Ohhhhh boy . . . this, this is 
definitely not good . . .

SHAN
Evil twins are so -- Roger Corman, 
don't you agree?  This -- is pure 
Wachowski Brothers!

Buckaroo, Team Banzai gape, stunned.

RENO
. . . sainted salami . . .

EIGHT IDENTICAL PEGGY/PENNYS float in fluid, hooked by feeding tubes to machines outside the capsules, bathed in fungous green light.

SHAN
We're not nearly as prestigious as 
the Banzai Institute used to be, 
but we do our best.  From a tissue 
sample obtained upon your wedding 
day.  Happy anniversary!

Penny stares, thunderstruck.  Buckaroo looks at her.

BUCKAROO
No way . . .

SHAN
Yes way.  It works with sheep, and 
after all, people are just two-
legged sheep, aren't they?  Of 
course, We added a few secret 
ingredients.  A little eye of newt 
. . . wing of bat . . .  Needless 
to say, it made her a tad -- 
unstable.  But We'll bet she was 
a lot of fun, eh?

He holds up a jar containing a HIDEOUS, WRITHING, MEWLING SUCCUBUS.  It HISSES, rakes its claws against the glass, then starts HUMPING the inside of the jar.

BUCKAROO
You insane pile of shit!

Lo Pep, a huge Bravo hold him back, smirking.
SHAN
Oh dear, you've hurt Our feelings.  
Didn't you like Our present?

Peggy looks from Shan to Buckaroo, she's ashen, trembling.

SHAN
And succubi are SO difficult to 
train.  But worth every minute, 
aren't you, my pet?  Eh?  Eh?  
Coochie-coochie.

Penny's horrified, unable to meet Buckaroo's eyes.  Shan feigns disappointment.

SHAN
Guess We should've gone with the 
blender.  Ah, well.  Enough of this 
merriment.  I take it you're here 
to see what the Hell We are really 
up to, eh?

Shan leads the way regally up the steps to the Altar.  Lo Pep, the huge Bravo drag Buckaroo along.  Lo Pep kicks Buckaroo in the back of his knee.  Buckaroo cries out, falls.

SHAN
Quite simple, really.  Ruling the 
cosmos is a rather large 
undertaking.  It usually goes 
better if one has help.

Buckaroo looks at the bloodstained altar, then around at the waiting hooded Priests.

BUCKAROO
You're not serious.  Aren't you a 
little old to believe in the 
bogeyman?

SHAN
They don't particularly care 
whether We believe in them or not.  
Only that We provide timely 
sacrifices.  They are especially 
fond of foolish heroic types.

BUCKAROO
The orbiting crystal?

SHAN
An amplifier.  In a few moments, 
it will be in position.  The stars 
will be right once again . . . 
tra-la!

Shan lifts his long-nailed hands . . . intones in ancient Aklo . . . DARK ENERGY BEGINS TO BUILD . . . Buckaroo struggles to escape . . .
Team Banzai watches, horrified . . .

THE EVIL ENERGY ENGULFS BUCKAROO.  He cries out, writhes in agony -- as his BODY BEGINS TO PULSE -- TREMBLE -- TRANSFORM.  Penny steps forward, between Shan and Buckaroo.

PENNY
Wait!

Shan looks at her, one satanic eyebrow arched.

PENNY
Why waste him on peasant magic?  
Is that what you've waited all 
these years for?

She stares coldly at Buckaroo.  Shan watches, surprised, suspicious.  Penny looks away, to the clone tubes.

PENNY
(shrugs)
Do the math.  I'll never be one of 
them.  I belong here.  Besides, 
doesn't it work better with pain 
. . . and fear?

Shan considers, steps back, nods.  Penny steps up to Buckaroo, her eyes slam into him.  Pasha hands her Buckaroo's sword.  She unsheathes it, studies the blade.

Shan watches, Penny bows, raises the blade above Buckaroo, quickly slashes it across his chest -- he winces.

MRS. JOHNSON
No . . .

Penny steadies the sword, circling, as their eyes lock . . . hers are hard, cold.  Buckaroo smiles, his eyes soften.

BUCKAROO
Do what you have to, Peggy.  For 
what it's worth . . . no matter 
what happens to our bodies . . . 
he can't touch our souls.  I love 
you.

		  PENNY
	  (fiercely)
I'm not --

		  BUCKAROO
Yes, you are.  To me, you'll always be.

Shan puts a finger in his mouth, pretends to gag.  Penny steadies the sword.

SHAN
I own her.  Body.  Mind.  Heart.  
And if she had a Soul, that would 
be mine, too.

Penny stops, as something deep within her clicks.  She looks deep into Buckaroo's eyes.  His acceptance . . . his forgiveness hit her . . . for a moment she hesitates.

PENNY
(fierce whisper)
Sayonara!

Teeth clenched, she draws back --

Team Banzai winces --

Shan beams . . .

-- Penny SCREAMS -- RAMS THE SWORD THROUGH LO PEP'S CHEST!  He blinks stupidly at it, then at her.  Shan howls, purple with rage.

NEW JERSEY
ZOWIE!!!

She withdraws the blade, cuts down the huge Bravo.  As he and Lo Pep topple, Buckaroo moves for the Altar.  Shan whips out one of Buckaroo's pistols, BLASTS Penny.

PENNY
Uhhhh -- !

She's hurled back through the air to the edge of the pit.

BUCKAROO
PENNY!!!

SHAN
Miss her?  No problem.

He aims at Buckaroo -- but is stopped by an OS BATTLE CRY -- SWARMS OF SNAKE MEN charge in, led by Ranteesh and McKinley.

SHAN
What -- ?!?

They jump the Bravos.  Buckaroo kicks the gun from Shan's hand.  Shan flips him over his head, Buckaroo lands on his feet, turns to face him.
McKinley frees Team Banzai.

RENO
John?!  What the hell?!

McKINLEY
Yer ass, sonny.  Didn't know I 
served in 'Nam, did ya?

PERFECT TOMMY
'Nam?

RENO
Desert Storm with trees.  Let's go!

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!!!

Buckaroo and Shan clash in close quarters, deadly Mongolian combat.  Toe-to-toe, their hands and feet fly at blinding speed.  Team Banzai, McKinley, Jack, Wang and his boys, Snake Men tear into the Bravos.

CAVALIERS
BANZAIIIIIIII!!!!!!

Ranteesh bites through New Jersey's ropes, turns to the fight, his uzi pointed up.
NEW JERSEY
Uh, bit of advice there, slinky, 
point it front of you, like this.

Ranteesh imitates him, grinning.  He shoots -- the recoil bounces him backward across the floor as New Jersey ducks for cover.

On the monitor:  "TIME TO INTERPHASE . . . 5 MINUTES".

Buckaroo and Shan tear savagely at each other.  Shan grabs a Naginata, tries to cut Buckaroo to bits.  Buckaroo scoops up a staff, they clash, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES around them.

A Bravo knocks Reno down, raises a spear.  Yelling like a madman, Jack rams into the Bravo, knocking him into the pit.  The pit's inhabitant ROARS its approval, the Bravo SCREAMS.

JACK
Second favor I done ya.

LIKE A LIVING KALI, Pasha's arms, feet, braids decimate Wang's Warriors, Snake People.  Team Banzai falls back.  She CRACKS her hair off the floor, SPARKS fly.

NEW JERSEY
Uh, okey, dokey . . . rock, paper, 
scissors?

RENO
Uh, no thanks.

Pasha attacks, they dodge.  Perfect Tommy gets lashed across the back, falls, grimacing in pain.  Pasha stands above him, whips her hair around --

NEW JERSEY
TOMMY -- ROLL!!!

Tommy looks over -- Jersey HURLS A DEATH DWARF AT PASHA.

PERFECT TOMMY
Shit!

He rolls clear -- the Dwarf knocks Pasha back into the pit.  She catches the edge, scrambles out, Team Banzai dives for cover.

PASHA
Oh, sh -- !!!

She dives clear -- an EXPLOSION ROARS out of the pit.  Bits of something SLIMY AND STEAMING rain down.

Pecos cuts down a Bravo.  She spins, is face-to-face with Ranteesh.  He goggles, gives her a goofy grin.

PECOS
You're . . . you . . . our side?

He nods happily.  A Bravo jumps Pecos.  Ranteesh intercepts him, sinks fangs into his neck.  The Bravo dies, spasming.

PECOS
O-o-o-kay . . . at least they're 
not giant cockroaches . . .

Ranteesh strikes a heroic Jack Kirby pose, scuttles off.

CONTROL PLATFORM

Pecos mounts it, Pasha kicks her weapon out of her hand.  Slams her onto the console, draws back a STEEL-CLAWED HAND --

BIG NORSE
YAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

She hits Pasha with a flying kick.  They whip the snot out of her, toss her over the side.  Pecos high-fives Big Norse.

PECOS
Girlfriend!

BIG NORSE
Got yer back.

Pecos sits at the console.  Big Norse expertly uses two nunchakus to defend their position from attacking Bravos.

AT THE ALTAR

Buckaroo disarms Shan, lifts him off the floor with a back kick.  Shan lands on the pit's edge.  Buckaroo starts toward him, hesitates, tosses his staff away.

SHAN
Fool!

He slings a dagger from his sleeve at Buckaroo -- WHO CATCHES IT, looks as surprised as Shan.  A Bravo garrotes Buckaroo from behind.  He struggles, drops the Bravo with a crescent kick.

Shan kicks Buckaroo down the steps, hangs him over the edge, strangles him.  Buckaroo claps him over both ears, stomach throws him off.  Shan hits the edge, almost slides in.  He sweeps a sash across Buckaroo's eyes, blinds him.  Pounds on him.

SHAN
Still believe in fair fights, 
mongrel?

He produces another knife.  Buckaroo blocks it, kicks him in the groin, pokes him in the eyes, pulls out a handful of hair, slams rapid-fire blows into Shan's face.

BUCKAROO
Nope.  Do you?

Shan leaps in a flying kick -- Buckaroo ducks -- Shan scrambles up the stone steps, LEAPS INTO THE ALTAR -- DISAPPEARS.  Stunned, Buckaroo recovers, runs up to it . . . hesitates . . . leaps in after him.

INT. DIMENSION X

Buckaroo's in an EERIE, NON-EUCLIDIAN, LOVECRAFTIAN SPACE.  Terrifying YELLS, SCREAMS assault him, the vista SHIMMERS, SHIFTS, WARPS dizzyingly.  Rocks, temples, orbs, crystals, statues, ALL SORTS OF STUFF FLOATS IN THE ELDRITCH SPACE.  He freezes at the mind-numbing sight.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM

Reno, New Jersey, Perfect Tommy cornered by savage Bravos.

RENO
This isn't goin' as well as one 
might hope . . .

PERFECT TOMMY
Really?  Thought it wuz just me.

NEW JERSEY
Jeez, this is sure gonna make for 
a depressing comic book.

Bravos attack, are cut down by SHOTS FROM ABOVE.  New Jersey looks up at:
Tokyo Rose, Durango, Gunslinger, Zydeco, their BBIs on a catwalk bridge.

TOKYO ROSE
Thomas, we need to talk!

CONTROL PLATFORM

Pecos sweats at the controls.

BIG NORSE
How 'bout it?  Is it soup yet?!

She clobbers another SCREAMING Bravo.

PECOS
If it works, you'll be the second 
one to know.

The display reads:  "TIME TO INTERPHASE . . . 3 MINUTES".

ON THE FLOOR

Perfect Tommy, Tokyo Rose fight like New Wave Samurai.  Bravos bite the dust.  They glance at each other.

TOKYO ROSE
Good thing for you I wuz Olympic 
high dive champ, chump.

He grins, they go back to the fight.

McKinley, Durango, Pinky, BBIs battle Bravos.  A Bravo leaps at Zydeco with drawn sword.  McKinley knocks her aside, is slashed in the shoulder.  Zydeco disposes of the Bravo.

ZYDECO
(kisses his cheek)
Mon Cher!  Not bad for a steenking 
Capitalist Peeg.

He grins, they fight off attacking Bravos.

INT. DIMENSION X

Buckaroo moves slowly through a HOWLING nightmare.  Without warning, SHAN APPEARS, kicks him in the face.  Buckaroo recovers, swings -- misses.  Shan's gone.  Carefully, he moves along the swirling passage . . . sometimes right-side up . . . sometimes upside down . . . sometimes at right angles to his former position.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM

Mrs. Johnson, Jack fight back-to-back.  She grins.

MRS. JOHNSON
So, what you wanna do on our next 
date?

JACK
Let's NOT do Chinese, okay?

It's all hand-to-hand, swords.  Snake Men leap on Bravos from the walls, squeeze and bite them savagely.  Wang beats the cheese out of Bravos.

The display updates: "TIME TO INTERPHASE . . . 2 MINUTES".

INT. DIMENSION X

Buckaroo cautiously leaps A FLIGHT OF ROCKS SUSPENDED IN SPACE to an eerie, FLOATING TEMPLE FLOOR.  He steps out onto it, freezes.  SHAN RISES SLOWLY OUT OF THE FLOOR, his dragon-head walking stick in hand.  A sword pops out of the end.  Buckaroo tenses, they circle each other.

SHAN
Welcome, Mongrel, to the Arena of 
the Soul.  The slightest mis-
step . . .

He kicks a skull off the edge of the platform -- HOWLING ENTITIES INSTANTLY ATTACK IT, carry it off.

Shan attacks, Buckaroo dodges, kicks -- misses.  He turns -- not quickly enough -- Shan bashes him in the face with his sword butt.  He attacks, Buckaroo's hard pressed to avoid his expert swordsmanship.

A DRAGON CLAW SHOOTS OUT OF THE OTHER END OF SHAN'S STICK -- he slashes Buckaroo's chest.  Buckaroo ducks, feints, kicks Shan through the air.  Shan disappears.

Buckaroo looks around the eerie scene, tense, off-balance.  HOWLING DEMONS, SHAN'S SNARLING VOICE beat in on him from everywhere.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM

McKinley slumps against the ear tree, gasps.  Looks up.

MCKINLEY
Gyaaaaah . . . Holy Mother of 
Stalin!

Reno appears beside him, glances at the tree.

RENO
"Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend 
me your -- "

McKINLEY
Aw shut up!

He stumbles back to the fight.

INT. DIMENSION X

Buckaroo moves warily past hideous WAILING statues, twisted BLEEDING altars.  Behind him, SHAN GLIDES IN LIQUID SHADOWS, an evil look on his face, his eyes blood red, sharp teeth bared.

He lunges, slashes Buckaroo's back -- DISAPPEARS.  Buckaroo cries out, flattens against an altar, looks around.  THE ALTAR LICKS HIS BACK WOUNDS, he cries out -- lurches away from it.  The DEMONIAC CHORUS SWELLS maddeningly.  He covers his ears, then forces himself to be calm, shuts his eyes.

HIKITA (VO)
. . . only when all you believe is 
surrendered, can you truly see what 
is.

Buckaroo slowly stands, hands at his sides, empties himself.  Shan creeps forward, WRAPPED IN MULTIPLE, CRACKED IMAGES, SHIFTING SHADOWS, SWIRLING ANGLES.

He leaps -- at the last possible second -- Buckaroo spins, CATCHES THE BLADE BETWEEN HIS PALMS.  Shan hisses, tries to wrench it free.  Calmly, Buckaroo smiles.

BUCKAROO
You can't fight with the soul 
. . . if you don't have one.

He kicks Shan in the face -- Shan flies through a crystal column, slides off the edge of the platform, but manages to grab on.  TERRIFYING FIGURES SWARM AROUND, grab him.  Buckaroo looks at him a moment -- then runs to help him.  As he reaches Shan -- a HIDEOUS, TENTACLED HORROR LUNGES -- Buckaroo leaps back -- the THING grabs Shan --

SHAN
I'll see you in HELLLLLLLLLLLL . . .

He's SUCKED off the platform, SCREAMING, down the THING's gullet.  DEMON VOICES HOWL triumphantly, fade away.  Buckaroo watches, then lets out a sigh.

INT. SABAH - SHAN'S THRONE ROOM

Buckaroo LIMPS OUT OF THE ALTAR, kneels beside Penny, cradles her gently.  Pasha sees him emerge, she snarls, WHISTLES sharply -- the Bravos break off, retreat into secret escape panels.

PENNY
Is . . . is he . . .

BUCKAROO
Gone.  Penny --

PENNY
Peggy -- same -- neither . . .
(coughs up blood)
Buck . . . aroo . . .

BUCKAROO
Shhhh.  It's okay, angel.  
Everything's okay now . . . 
remember?

He holds her close, rocks her gently, tears forming.

PENNY
. . . don't think . . . kiss'll 
fix this . . .
(sings softly)
I . . . don't have . . . hopes 
and . . . dreams . . .
BUCKAROO
(smiles, continues)
I . . . don't have plans and schemes 
. . . I . . . don't have anything . . .

Last kiss.  She dies in his arms.  He's devastated.  New Jersey comes over, hesitant.

				  NEW JERSEY
		Uh . . . Buckaroo?

				  PERFECT TOMMY
		Buck?  Buck, hey, I, I'm sorry, 
		man, but we need ya.  Everybody 
		. . . we need ya.

Buckaroo tenderly lays Penny/Peggy down.  New Jersey, Perfect Tommy put consoling hands on his shoulder.  He nods.

CONTROL PLATFORM

Buckaroo sits beside Pecos, puts on a headset, his glasses.

PECOS
Can't seem to get its attention.

BUCKAROO
Have you tried all access ciphers?

PECOS
Textbook, down the line.  There's 
something else goin' on here.

Buckaroo types furiously, looks up.  No difference.

NEW JERSEY
What, what are those symbols?  What 
is that -- Qaballah?

RENO
Looks like some kinda force-field?

PERFECT TOMMY
It's not scientific formulae.  
Never saw anything like it.

BUCKAROO
We gotta stop it from achieving 
conjunction . . .

The readout:  "LOCK ACTIVATED -- AND WITH STRANGE EONS -- EVEN DEATH MAY DIE".  Glowing sigils scroll as Buckaroo's fingers fly over the keys.

RENO
Sonofagun!

EXT. SPACE

The Crystal GLOWS WITH ELDRITCH ENERGY, FIRES --

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DAY

DARK ENERGY SWEEPS MIDTOWN.  Cars EXPLODE.  Buildings TWIST AND DEFORM.  People SCREAM in terror.

EXT. LONDON - DAY

People flee from HOWLING DEMONS.

EXT. PARIS - DAY

Harried policemen battle LEGIONS OF THE UNDEAD.

EXT. WASHINGTON, DC - DAY

THE PENTAGON GLOWS, RISES INTO THE AIR.  TENTACLES writhe underneath it.  The earth SHAKES . . . cracks . . . HORRIFIC HOWLING fills the air.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Everyone huddles in terror as WALLS, FLOOR, CEILING RIPPLE, WARP, GROW CLUTCHING, TALONED HANDS, GAPING, HOWLING MOUTHS.

PRESIDENT
Whoa . . . Whooooa, Nellie!

EXT. SPACE

The Dark Crystal soaks up energy, FIRES --

EXT. MOSCOW - NIGHT

WINGED, CRUSTACEAN HORRORS stalk through the heart of the city, fire driftwood-like weapons that MELT HAPLESS CIVILIANS.

INT. SABAH - FORTRESS - CONTROL PLATFORM

Buckaroo looks at the holodisplay, horrified.  He shakes himself free with an effort.

BUCKAROO
What the Hell is That?!?!

RANTEESH
Great Old Ones!  They wake!

Buckaroo looks up sharply, then:

BUCKAROO
Not on my watch -- come on, people 
-- options!

JACK
Hey, how come we never fight 
normal people?

PERFECT TOMMY
Uh . . . hey, Clarke's Law -- any 
sufficiently advanced technology 
would seem like magick to someone 
who didn't understand it --

Buckaroo spins to the console, scans the glowing sigils.

BUCKAROO
So -- what do we do -- start 
chanting?  Sacrifice a chicken?  
WHAT?!?

NEW JERSEY
Look at the schema.  It uses solar 
energy to feed its signal matrix . . .

RENO
If we max the gain on the carrier?  
Maybe we can overload it.

BUCKAROO
Worth a try.

BIG NORSE
Wait, if we're wrong . . . !

BUCKAROO
How much more trouble can we be in?

PERFECT TOMMY
You got a point there.  Let 'er rip.

BUCKAROO
It's in the lap of the gods, now.

He crosses his fingers, BOOSTS THE INPUT SIGNAL TO MAX.

EXT. SPACE

The Crystal BLAZES LIKE A DARK SUN.  SCREAMING, WRITHING ENTITIES struggle to break free of it.  The beam INTENSIFIES -- the satellite EXPLODES into glittering dust!

INT. SABAH - FORTRESS - CONTROL PLATFORM

Everyone holds their breath.  The holo flickers, winks off.

NEW JERSEY
What?  YES!  OH, YES!!!

PERFECT TOMMY
Whoooo!  All right!

They cheer hug, throw hats, weapons into the air.

JACK
Phew!  Hell, I dunno what everybody 
was so worried about.  We're the 
Good Guys, ain't we?

Buckaroo tosses the headset down.  Now that the worst is over, he looks older.  Worn.  Empty.  Everyone is safe for now . . . everyone except she who had owned his heart.

BUCKAROO
. . . and the Good Guys never lose 
. . . do they?

He looks at the clone tanks, as if struggling with a dark possibility.  He turns away finally, goes to Penny's body.  Everyone cheers wildly, engaged in an orgy of hugs, backslaps, high-fives.  Big Norse, Pecos move toward Buckaroo, but New Jersey stops them, shakes his head.

Tokyo Rose wraps a piece of torn shirt around McKinley's arm as Perfect Tommy comes over.

PERFECT TOMMY
Not bad, John, not bad 'tall.  
Y'know, you might make a halfway 
decent Blue Blazer . . . ya put 
your mind to it.

McKinley starts to scowl, smiles.  Around them, mop-up continues.

EXT. BANZAI INSTITUTE RUINS - DAY

Work crews, Team Banzai sift through rubble.

EXT. BANZAI INSTITUTE - GRAVE SITE - DAY

Buckaroo, Hikita kneel at four graves, two of them new.

PROF. HIKITA
I'm truly sorry, Buckaroo.  I 
really thought . . . we all 
thought . . .

BUCKAROO
Our souls touched twice.  Once more 
than I had a right to expect.

He regards DIGITAL IMAGES OF PENNY, RAWHIDE, MASADO AND SANDRA BANZAI, one on each stone.

BUCKAROO
Take care of each other. 
(smiles; in Japanese)
Here open the Gates of Heaven.

New Jersey, Perfect Tommy, Reno, Big Norse, Pecos, and Pinky join Buckaroo as he leaves the gravesite.  They look at their friend and leader, still concerned for his state of mind.

NEW JERSEY
Buckaroo?

BUCKAROO
Time to pony up and face the music.

PERFECT TOMMY
Sure you're up to it, amigo?

Buckaroo manages a hint of the old smile.

BUCKAROO
Journey of a thousand li begins 
with a single step.  So, let's get 
to steppin'.

EXT. CONCERT ARENA - NIGHT

A mammoth SRO crowd swings and sways to ROCK MUSIC, the overflow watches huge TV SCREENS set up outside the arena.

EXT. STAGE - NIGHT

Team Banzai rocks like it ain't no thang.  McKinley is on harmonica in a Team Banzai T-shirt, beret; Ranteesh happily plays maracas.

ANNOUNCER (VO)
Ladies and Gentlemen!  A. Duncan 
Enterprises, Incorporated proudly 
presents -- fresh from Saving the 
World -- the ONE -- the ONLY -- 
BUCKAROO BANZAI AND THE HONG -- 
KONG -- CAVALIERS!!!

The crowd CHEERS, stoked!  Searchlights sweep the huge arena . . . MOTORCYCLES ROAR down the aisles.  Buckaroo and the Hong Kong Cavaliers dismount, take the stage.  Above, VARI-COLORED LASERS FLASH THE ANIMATED, GALLOPING HKC LOGO.  Buckaroo does flips to center stage, grabs the mic.  He looks out at the audience, who flash a him raucous thumbs up.

BUCKAROO
Arigato!  Good to see ya again.  
It's been a nutty couple weeks, 
by Tao, but you know what?  We 
never coulda done it without ya 
. . . 'cause no matter where you 
go . . .

CROWD
THERE -- YOU -- ARE!!!!!!

PERFECT TOMMY
Let's ROCK 'N' ROLL!

And they do!  The crowd goes ballistic beneath the stars.

EXT. SPACE

MOVE AWAY from the peaceful planet Earth, outward . . . through the Asteroid Belt . . . to Saturn, mysterious, multi-ringed gas giant.  LEPROUS, BIO-MECH SPACESHIPS swarm up off the clouded surface . . . fly through the rings . . . headed for Earth.
FADE OUT.