Copyright 2011
No reproduction without written consent of the author himself

The Blackboard
Pilot
Alexander Combs

The Blackboard 

*Pilot*

Characters:

Carol Weiss: English Teacher/ Lead. Typical for a focused, frumpy young first year teacher. She is who the show surrounds. She is petty, sarcastic with other teachers and students. She has an obsession with pulling pranks on Mr. Holloway. In a running competition with Mrs. Kim. 

Eric Peterson: Math Teacher/ Lead: Tall, gangly, obnoxious and perverted. He has an unhealthy obsession with Ms. Weiss. He is the most intellectual and creepy of the teachers. 

Sharon Kim: Science Teacher/ Lead: Short, old, fat Asian woman. She is a by the book no nonsense old school style teacher. She ruins Ms. Weiss's fun by running to Mr. Holloway every chance she gets. 

Coach John Harrison: Gym Teacher/ Secondary:  Tall, balding, older, flabby white guy.  He is a friend of Carol and Eric. He assists in the torment of Mrs. Kim and Mr. Holloway. 

 Mlle.Paige Savon: French Teacher/ Secondary: Tall, Beautiful, Young and French. She is the eye of every male teacher and one female art teacher; she is hated by Weiss and Kim. Honestly the only thing they can agree on.

Taylor Clark: Social Studies Teacher/ Secondary: He is the center of the conflict. He is constantly toeing the line between appropriate behavior and jail time. 

 Scott Holloway:  Assistant Principal/ Lead: He is the antagonist to Eric and Carol. They have an agreement with Dr. Douglas. Scott focuses on maintaining order in the school more with the teachers than with the students. He is completely different with the students.

Dr. Ellen Douglas: Head Principal/ Secondary:  She is just tired of everything so she delegates power to Scott just to watch Carol and Eric screw with him. She is riding the power to retirement.

Alan Pierce: Musical Theatre Teacher/ Secondary: Flamboyant homosexual. He is the mediator with Carol and Sharon. He is the target of a lot of ridicule.

Brad Hopkins: Class President/ Secondary: Annoying and preppy. He is constantly weaseling his way in with the teachers. He always gets his way when it comes to Holloway in exchange for surveillance on Carol, Eric and Taylor. 

Gina Goldsmith: Head Cheerleader/ Secondary: Annoying and Peppy. She is consistently interrupting the jokes and pranks of Carol. She is the target of several pranks from Eric to win over Carol. (Who remains uninterested?)

Kevin Tripplehorn: School bad boy/ Secondary: Rebellious and Bad. He is always on Holloway's radar and on Carol's short list for outside help. 

Nancy Lowe: Janitor/ Secondary: Old, Country, And Funny. She is just as sarcastic as Carol with more power. Nancy helps with many pranks on Holloway.

*Pilot*
- Open on a high school hallway with students throwing paper across the hall at each other. It creates almost a fountain of crumpled paper. From between the barrage of mediocrity appears Carol Weiss, Her clothes reflecting her personality. She has a grade book in one hand and a steaming thermos of coffee in the other. She makes her way through the students as she gets to the teacher's lounge. She opens the door of the lounge with wind blowing and the typical beauty pose. As she does this she pours the coffee on her leg.

Carol: Son of a Bitch!

(From behind her)

Eric: Wow, already? 

Carol: Eric! Hey! How was your summer? (Hugs him)

Eric: You know it was good, lots of X-box, Daytime TV, Internet Po... (Cut off)

- Carol motions behind him subtly; he glances back and finishes his sentence as he sees Sharon Kim enter-

Eric:  Internet Poker tournaments for the needy children. 

Sharon: Well isn't that special. Who knew you had such a big heart!? Carol, what did you do?

Carol: Dog fighting in my basement...uh for the needy children. 

Sharon: Uh huh....well it seems some of us are more productive than others. I was sent to a fabulous conference for the top educators in the state.

Carol: I guess they lost my invitation

Sharon: I'm sure that was the case. Anyway I spent an amazing weekend with Scott. You can learn so much from that man.

(From behind her)

John: Sleeping your way to the middle? Great plan Shar.

Sharon: Do you really think that's appropriate conversation for the water cooler?

John: No, but you're steamy weekend with the boss is just Disney material....

Carol: Don't you have some fat kid to shove up a rope? I am so enthralled with Sharon's story! 

Eric: I know everyone is interested in the escapades of a forty year old married woman! 

Sharon: Sometimes I wonder why I don't just leave this place! 

Carol: Mr. Holloway.

Sharon: Where?

Carol: (Points to Sharon's pants) Here (Smiles)

Sharon: (Smacks at her) I have to go to class. I imagine you still have to go to the beer keg social! 

Carol: Kegger, Honey, Kegger. Honestly didn't you go to college? I think there might be some vodka left in my thermos. But you know those group coitus socials take a lot out of you! 

Eric: Orgies, Honey, Orgies. Honestly didn't you go to college?

- Sharon leaves with both fingers in her ears doing the "LA LA LA" thing-

Carol: What formula do you use to find the area of that stick up her ass?

Eric: My calculator doesn't go that high.

- Both begin laughing. The bell rings outside the room. Eric starts to leave and stops at the door waiting on Carol.

Eric: Do you want me to walk you to class, wittle girl?

Carol: 1. I would never go anywhere with a man that calls me "wittle girl", 2. I have planning first period, I'm going to stay and try and get the coffee stain out of my skirt.

- Eric leaves; Carol begins scrubbing furiously at the brown stain on her skirt. Enter Paige Savon in a cleavage white blouse, tight leather skirt and high heeled leather boots-

Paige: Excuse Moi? Mademoiselle?

-Carol turns around and begins laughing-

Carol: Sorry, Honey the Madonna video stopped filming thirty years ago. But thanks for coming out.

Paige: Pardon?

Carol: Tu Parle Anglais?

Paige: Pardon?

Carol: Do you speak English?

Paige: Oh, oui. 

Carol: Then speak. The only thing I remember from French is getting in to the "Vin" and singing "Voulez Vous Couchez Avec Moi”.

Paige: Fine, I was hoping you could um how you say distract me to my classroom. Today it is my first day.

Carol: Don't you need to change?

Paige: Change what?

Carol: Clothes.

Paige: I do not understand.

Carol: You're going into a classroom with teenage boys and throbbing hormones.....and you look like the Playmate of the Year.

Paige: Still I am not understanding.

Carol: its ok honey don't hurt yourself. I know your native language can be confusing when you've been speaking Frenglish while giving your "Oral" lessons for the last 4 years.

Paige: I do not think these are compliments.

Carol: Sweetie, from now on stop after the first four words....let's see if we can get you to class.

- Carol holds the door open and motions for Mlle.Savon out.- 

Paige: Merci, Mlle.?

Carol: Oh, not important let’s go before they start the next revolution. 

- Opening Credits- 

(Musical Intro)

- Open on Carol sitting at her desk. Her feet propped up on the desk; she is attacking a honey bun. Her first student enters and she sits up straight and puts a fake smile on. The girl glares at her and then sits in the back of the room. Carol shrugs her shoulders and goes back to her breakfast. Next Brad Hopkins and Gina Goldsmith enter together. Carol again smiles and puts down the honey bun.

Brad: Hello, I'm Brad Hopkins. It's so wonderful to see you this morning Mrs. Weiss.

Carol: Miss Weiss and thank you, it's nice to meet you too. It's always nice to have a handsome young man remind you of your perpetual loneliness first thing in the morning. 

Brad: I find that hard to believe (Smiles at her) how anyone as breathtaking as you could ever be lonely

Carol: (Rolling eyes) and I can see you're just bursting with pep.

Gina: I'm Gina Goldsmith; I just want to tell you if you need anything I'm always open to staying late and helping out.

Carol: That's nice to know Ms. Goldsmith, I'm sure Brad here would love to hear the same thing. Please both of you sit down please.

- Brad and Gina go to their seats and sit like perfect angels.

Carol: (To herself as she turns back around) Kiss Asses.....I wish I had the time for an enema this morning too.

- Enter Kevin-

Carol: Welcome, I'm Ms. W, (Cut off)

Kevin: Bite me. 

Carol: Shove it. 

Kevin: Bitch

Carol: Well aren't you just one big ray of sunshine....Regardless welcome to remedial English and you are all my sweet little geniuses. We're going to start off by going around the room and getting to know each of our favorite books and authors. To start off my name is Carol Weiss my favorite book is the Scarlet Letter, but funny thing is my favorite author is Sylvia Plath. (No one laughs) No, nothing ok. Let's just start this thing. Gina why don't you go first. 

Gina: ok my favorite book is Twilight and my favorite author is Snookie. She is just so insightful 

Carol: (miming a beehive on her head) Um right ok. Kevin?

Kevin: I love Pride and Prejudice.

Carol: wow! (Under her breath)  Just like Dead Poets Society... I love Jane Austen too!

Kevin: Yea, you are so dumb...Only thing I read is Penthouse Forum... and it’s not so much reading as it is….

Carol: (She cuts him off) Yea that seems more fitting. Ok to save my I.Q. and to avoid 12 Step we're just going to stop this little exercise. (Bell Rings)

Carol: Wow, really we've only been in here five minutes. Ok whatever. Class dismissed. 

- Teacher's Lounge -

-Carol is sitting at the table drinking out of a coffee cup; Eric enters and sits down with her.

Eric: Ah sweet freshish coffee.

Carol: Southern Comfort

Eric: What?

Carol: Not coffee, it's Southern Comfort. This morning I was regaled with the latest literary success of Snookie. Clearly a recipe book for cocktails is on par with Wuthering Heights, Atlas Shrugged, Pride and Prejudice...hell even Harry Potter!

Eric: It's ok, I gave a pre-test and for every question that said "find X" the kid circled the letter X....is it too late to switch careers? I think insurance agents get more competent people.

Carol:  No, Adults are worse.... (Sharon enters) Wow...I couldn't have written a better line for you to come in on. 

Sharon: I just love seeing these kids’ bright and sunny faces. They just make my day!

Carol: Oh God! Sharon! Seriously, honey you don't have to kiss the boss' ass when he's not in the room. 

Sharon: Well, I guess some people just love their job more than others. Eric how was your first day back?

Eric: Yea.... Carol can I have some (Air quotes) coffee? 

Sharon: Oh I'd love some too...

- Carol and Eric both look at each other and smile, Carol winks and grabs two coffee cups and a LARGE bottle of southern comfort. She pours the drinks, she hands Eric his and smiles as she hands Sharon hers.

Carol: Here you go, it's a little strong.

Sharon: (Drains it) Mmmm a little weak actually. Hit me again.

Carol: Any other day I would make the most overdue joke ever, but for now hand me your cup, Sweetie. (She quickly pours another and hands it over. flash on the clock on the wall as it runs through several times

- Shown Sharon in a skimpy camii with disheveled hair dancing on a table-

Sharon: "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like it's better than yours, damn right it's better than yours" 

- Enter a middle aged man with a cheap suit and a pile of files in his arms-

Sharon: "I can teach you but I'd have to charge"

Scott: Sharon? What in the lord’s name are you doing? 

Sharon: I'm bringing sexy back, Scotty! WOOO HOOO!! I want to get intimate with your lap!

- Carol and Eric begin walking slowly away-

Scott: Stop! Sharon get the heck off that table and stop acting like a mad woman at once! Carol and Eric my office ten minutes. 

Carol: Dammit! Seriously why do you think it was us?

- Carol and Eric are sitting in two red velvet chairs in front of a large wooden desk 

Scott: I am so tired of these Shenanigans! You are two grown people, it is time you started acting like adults. I think that there are students here that are more mature than the two of you. If you cause another disruption like the one today I'm afraid Dr. D. will have to be notified. Don't mess with the bull young lady, you'll get the horns.

Carol: (Makes the sign from "Breakfast Club") Mr. Holloway, are you a John Hughes fan?

Scott: Who?

Carol: You know Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Breakfast Club....nothing, really?

Scott: Are these rock n roll bands?

Eric: Yes, Scott these are Rock bands...are we free to go?

Scott: I want you both to know that I care about your future at this school, you are excellent teachers if we could just hone in that prankster attitude we could get this back to the top school it used to be. 

Carol: Why are we in trouble? I wasn't the one "Milk shaking" it on the table, I'm also not the one who said I want to get intimate with you.

Scott: Well she actually said my lap and....It doesn't matter Sharon Kim is one of the most straight laced and prudent women I have ever met. I don't see it likely she would get drunk, let alone at school. 

Carol: Ok, well as you said we are free to go....So. (She gets up to leave, Eric is already half way out of the door)

Scott: Yea, just remember that if you pull another stunt like the one today I will report you and have your certification revoked.

- Eric can see Carol's brain forming a sarcastic remark and lightly shoves her out the door before she can say it. Once they exit she faces him.

Carol: I bet he was "Hall monitor" when he was in school. You know, the powerless, sexless prick that tried to make your life hell even though he couldn't do anything about it.

Eric: Hey I dated our school's monitor.

Carol: Was HE as pathetic? (He playfully smacks her)

Eric: No she was a frumpy, over educated cat lady who dreamed of becoming a frumpy, over educated and lonely English teacher... (He does a double take) Could you be my Cinderella? I spent so long looking in dark, DARK pet stores, the food counter at TJ Maxx and little did I know she was right in front of me the whole time. Let's see if the glass retainer fits, oh princess.  (She punches him while laughing)

Carol: Not even if I was stoned, desperate and well just desperate...

Eric:  Like you were in high school?

Carol :( Straight Faced) I was head cheerleader, prom queen and dating the quarterback...

Eric: Really, what happened?

Carol: He knocked me up. I got an abortion. I became depressed and decided to pick the second most suicidal career.

Eric: Wow....um

Carol: OH MY GOD! You are so gullible! I was a nerdy, sarcastic, bitchy outcast....seriously people don't change that much!

Eric: You are so EVIL! I have to get back to class...

Carol: Wait what were you like?

Eric: I was the head of the Mathletes and my frumpy hall monitor girlfriend became preggo and had an abortion...

Carol: Oh my God, Eric I had no idea. I am so sorry, I was just joking.

Eric: (Bursts out laughing) I got you back!

Carol: You bitch! (Both are laughing hysterically)

- Taylor Clark walks up behind the two teachers. He throws his hands over Carol's eyes and side swipes Eric. 

Taylor: Guess who?

Carol: I really don't have time for this. 

Taylor: You're no fun.

Carol: I was just reprimanded by our fair and righteous leader.

Taylor: (To Eric) Am I missing something?

Eric: She's just bummed because her Aunt Flow won't leave. 

Carol: (To Eric) Ass! 

(She laughs and kisses Taylor on the cheek) 

Carol: How was your summer, Hon?

Taylor: Awesome, I got in a car accident and my kid came out. 

Carol: Sounds great....I thought your kid was like 7.

Taylor: He told me he liked Justin Beiber and Lady Gaga: One is a transvestite and the other is a lesbian...what other proof do you need?

Carol: Yea that is pretty gay. (She sees his face)  Taylor, I was kidding. I'm sure little Blaine will grow up to marry a beautiful woman.

Eric: Blaine? Really? You named your son Blaine, and you think celebrities were your tip off? You are either so far in the closet that.... (Carol tries to trip him but misses and kicks Taylor) 

Carol:  Damn waxy floors, sorry babe. Well, Taylor I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. I've got to go my next class starts in like five minutes. If you want to find out officially why don't you ask Alan?

Taylor: The music teacher?

Carol: Yea, I'm sure he can give you a unique perspective on this one. 

- Carol goes to her classroom and closes the door. Taylor walks down the hall heading for the choir room. As he gets close to the room Alan Pierce exits the room. Taylor flags him down.

Alan: Mr. Clark? Are you looking for me?

Taylor: Uh, in a way. I need your advice on something.

Alan: Yes honey, that shirt was so last decade. 

Taylor: No I need your opinion about my son. (He digs in his wallet and extracts a picture)

Alan: He's cute.

Taylor: Damn it! I knew it.

Alan: What, that you have a cute kid?

Taylor: I knew (looks around) he was gay!

Alan: Wait, what?

Taylor: If you think he's cute, I'm screwed.

Alan: Ok first of all just because I'm gay doesn't mean that I’m a pedophile....we aren't all residents of "Neverland". Second, that kid can't be more than seven, why do you assume that he’s Libirachi? 

Taylor: He likes Justin Beiber and Lady Gaga! 

Alan: (Catching on) Oh they are just terrible. Especially her! Who wants to see a boney female in skin tight costumes and weird high heels.....give me Prince, Mmmm! 

Taylor: Really...Wow ok. Thanks Al, you're alright.

- Taylor walks away, Alan looks at the camera

Alan: (To camera) that kid is total Liza Minnelli gay.

Taylor: Did you say something, Mr. Pierce?

Alan: Just that you have a nice ass.... (Rolls his eyes) 

Taylor: Uh right... (Walks faster away, comically trying to cover his ass)

- Carol is exiting her classroom with a cup of cold coffee in hand. She has a file under her arm. As she turns she bumps into Sharon spilling the full contents of the mug down her dress.

Sharon: Jesus! Carol; you got me drunk this morning now you're spilling scalding coffee on me! I will report you again!

Carol: Oh my God, Sharon! I am so sorry; let me clean it off for you. 

Sharon: Oh it burns!

Carol: I said I was sorry but seriously this coffee hasn't been hot for almost 8 hours.

Sharon: Oh well maybe I....You did this on purpose! Scotty is already up my..... (Looks around guiltily) ass... (Giggles and gets a straight face) about the incident this morning.

Carol: First of all, what are you five? I don't even look both ways before I cross the street, let alone before I say (Loudly) ASS! 

Sharon: Shhh! There are students still here. I apologize; I don't think the morning buzz has worn off.

Carol: (Finally grabbing a towel) I told Scott that is my fault and that you had nothing to do with it. I should have warned you that I had spiked the....well I didn't spike anything so much as I just lied to you. First rule of life: never take a drink from a friend. 

Sharon (Eyes light up) from a friend!?

Carol: Oh crap....no I didn't mean...oh what the hell. Sure we're friends. 

Sharon: Oh Carol, I thought you hated me. All those horrible mean pranks...I thought they were just hateful now I see that they were acts of endearment....sisterhood even. Oh you!

Carol: I wouldn't think about that one too much or even tell anyone this conversation happened. 

Sharon: Oh like a secret (She puts her finger to her lips) I won't say a word. 

Carol: Ok, well if we're cool. I've got to go.

Sharon: Ok, see you later Bud (Playfully punches Carol...a little too hard) 

- Carol walks away and once she is out of Sharon's sight she shudders. She opens the door to the teacher's lounge and goes to her cabinet. She grabs the bottle of SoCo. It is empty aside from a little swig at the bottom of the bottle.

Carol: Some friend...

She grabs a coffee mug and dumps the last of the Whiskey in. It doesn't even fill the bottom of the cup. She sighs and chugs the last of it. From behind her Alan walks in-

Alan: Hey Sweetie.

Carol: Hey Alan.

Alan: Everything OK?

Carol: Yea, just thirsty. 

Alan: Yea, when I'm thirsty the best way to quench my thirst is to drink a milliliter of (Air quotes) "COFFEE."

Carol: Did you want something?

Alan: No, I was hoping to get some coffee but it seems that everyone else has had the same first day back. 

Carol: I feel like I'm a student again. Making fun of the kiss ass, getting sent to the principal's office and  I still end up drinking myself stupid with the gay kid. 

Alan: Well technically you downed the stuff before I got here but still I know when a woman needs some help.

Carol: I think I need to grow up, I still giggle at “that's what she said jokes,” I still drink like a Frat boy and I have more Dane Cook on my DVR than Oprah.

Alan: To be fair I think Tyra… Regardless if you want to grow up, I can help you. 

Carol: Oh if you weren't a bigger pin cushion than Ricky Martin, I would so be hitting on you right now.

Alan: And unless you're willing to undergo some very major surgery I think we're on the same page. Also a good start would be not referring to me as a "Pin cushion."  

Carol: Let's get started.

Alan: Ok, for starters....let's get away from the Tina Fey..."Sexy Smart" look. You aren't quite a MILF yet.

Carol: I'm impressed you know what a MILF is.

Alan: Mom I'd Love to Feel.

Carol: That's the Cosby show version....but yea you got the idea. 

Alan: Next, when you see Sharon or Paige you must refrain from calling them names or making jokes.

Carol: I want help to grow up...not become Marsha Brady.

Alan: Ok, well let's just start this tomorrow O.K.? You have one more day to laugh at Kathy Griffin and eat chocolate icing out of the jar.

Carol: What....I don't eat...

Alan: Why else would you come to work with a brown ring around your lips? You know what, don't answer that. 

Carol: Ok, whatever. Like you said we'll take a crack at this tomorrow. 

- Next Morning-

- Carol walks in with dorky glasses, a cat sweater and "Mom" jeans. She has a tweety bird mug in her hands and a tote bag slung over her shoulder. She is smiling and looking the opposite as the first shot of her. Eric is walking toward Scott's office. 

Eric: Hey Weiss, I'm going to put this (holds up a mesh jar filled with crickets) in Scotty's office. Want to help be my lookout.

Carol: (Looks at him sternly) Mr. Peterson. He's our boss. We should treat him with respect.

Eric: Ok....um I'll talk to you later.

Carol: Bless you. (She smiles at him)

- Carol goes to the teacher's lounge where Sharon is sitting at the table, clearly guarding the coffee pot.

Sharon: Carol, I'm afraid we have no southern comfort just Seattle's best. 

Carol: Oh you’re so silly, why, I would never drink while I’m on the clock….oh you silly girl, you.

Sharon: But just yesterday….

Carol: Yesterday I was a little out of sorts. I hope you can forgive me. 

Sharon: Oh course, Carol. What’s going on…..I have the same feeling I did the day you put that rat in my briefcase…

Carol: Yes, yes my apologies. I understand he defecated on some important papers. 

Sharon: Among other things…

-	Alan enters-

Alan: Carol…you look like my grandmother.

Carol: It’s just conservative and I thought these kitty cats were just darling!

Alan: darling…right ok. Sharon, if you will excuse us…

-	He grabs Carol’s arm and pulls her into the hall-

Carol: What?

Alan: I said drop Tina Fey I didn’t say become Vicki Lawrence. 

Carol: Who?

Alan: Never mind. Look lesson 2: Don’t turn this experiment into another practical joke. 

Carol: I’m not sure I understand what you mean. You said look less like a MILF and more like a mom I’d like to friend. 

Alan: OK….anyway, the next thing is when you see the French teacher you can’t make fun of her

Carol: I would never!

Alan: Look, Carol….never mind. I’ve got my first class in three minutes. I will see you after third to go over the next plan.

-	As he leaves, Savon walks up-

Paige: Are you not the how you say the semantic woman I spoke to yesterday?

Carol: Semantic?

Paige: You know….mean but humorous.

Carol: Sarcastic? How the hell…Sorry, Sorry I’m going to try to not be so “semantic” anymore. 

Paige: Oh well that is to be a good thing, no? 

Carol: Yea, for some it will be.

Paige: Is it normal for students to how you say “hit” you the first day?

Carol: No, that is a very bad thing actually.

Paige: (She looks confused) I kind of liked it. 

Carol: You like getting hit by students?!

Paige: Yes, it makes me feel flattered. 

Carol: People hitting you, flatters you?

Paige: Does it not you?

Carol: No, I try to stay away from people who want to hurt me. 

Paige: Hurt you?

Carol: Hitting hurts…unless you have crazy French woman strength. By the way thanks for dropping the foreign language…

Paige: You looked constrained yesterday

Carol: Constrained?

Paige: You did not understand me.

Carol: Confused? Ok…just out of curiosity did you mean “Hit on”? You’re students hit on you?

Paige: Yes, I say that many times. 

Carol: Yea, I’m going to go. It was nice talking to you again, Mrs. Savon.

-	Carol walks down the hall and bumps into Scott. He is putting up a sign over the trophy case-

Scott: Carol, would you mind shoving this in to that hole? (Meaning the thumbtack into the hole in the banner)

Carol: (Stifling a laugh) Of course, Scott. I’m always ready to help. (She sticks the tack in the wall)

Scott: I’m so glad you came when you did; I didn’t know how much longer I could hold it. (Meaning the banner)  

Carol: Yes, again I always love to help….

Scott: I love your new sweater by the way; I just love seeing two cute little pussies. (The cats on her sweater)

Carol: Scott, I’m sorry but I have to go….please don’t say anything else. 

Scott: Ok, Carol. If you ever need a hand…

Carol: Eh please…just I’m in a hurry (She walks/ jogs down the hall) 

-	She walks into her classroom and closes the door. None of her class is there yet. Carol slumps into her chair and pulls out her lesson plans and peruses them until her class arrives. Gina walks in with her IPod headphones in while singing “Friday”.

Gina: It’s Friday, Friday…getting down on Friday. We, We, We, So excited!

Carol: It’s Tuesday. We, We, We, Not excited.

Gina: Oh, Ms. W it’s just a really, great and well sung song. I’m so sorry, I know that it is against the rules to have headphones in class. 

Carol: (Through a slanted grin and clenched teeth) it’s fine, please have a seat. 

-	Brad and Kevin walk in. Kevin hisses at Carol, prompting her “wagging finger”

Carol: I am your teacher you shall treat me with the respect my title deserves. Hiss at me again and I shall send your behind to Mr. Holloway. 

Kevin: Ok, and I’ll tell him you told me to “Shove it” yesterday. 

Carol: I was not myself yesterday, sit down please. These verbs aren’t going to conjugate themselves. 

Creepy Girl: In an alternate reality they will. They wouldn’t even need a subject…they just need invisible unicorns and vampires to do it for them.

Carol: The first thing you say to me is about how you want invisible unicorns and vampires to do your English work for you?

Creepy Girl: They are all around us…you just can’t see them.

Carol: Ok, if you feel that is the reality….oh screw this! I can’t do it anymore!

Creepy Girl: Can’t do what?

Carol: Gina, Friday is a great song, really? Are you and Wednesday Adams back there sharing the same stuff? And Kevin next time you buck up to me, I’ll turn you from a buck into a doe with one yard stick. Now, let’s do these damn conjugations! 

The Class: Yes, Ma’am

-	Carol’s Classroom- 3rd period-

-	Carol has on a white tank top and her “Mom” jeans. She is digging in a her cabinet, her cat sweater is crumpled up in the trash can with the dorky glasses crooked and broken on top. Alan walks in, looking less than surprised.

Alan: Did you get hot?

Carol: What?

Alan: The sweater?

Carol: Oh that, yea I gave up…

Alan: What happened?

Carol: (Finds a black blouse crumpled up in the back of the cabinet and starts buttoning it up.) Where do I start, Paige was telling me how she liked it when students hit her when she was really telling me “hit on” her, which is no way better. Scott was putting up a banner but he kept telling me to shove things into a hole, how grateful he was that I came when I did and how much he loved my pussies. Then I come in here and I have a creepy girl talking about invisible dragons and vampires, not to mention Gina Goldsmith singing “Friday” at the top of her lungs. I tried, Alan. I really did, but this isn’t me. I love to laugh at fart jokes, I love to watch Dane Cook, and I have no idea what Oprah is talking about half of the time. I think South Park is much more entertaining than Frasier. I have to make jokes about how ridiculous Paige is, how oblivious Scott is and how bitchy Sharon is. I would rather go put those crickets in Scott’s office than prepare for my class….and right now I’m going to go do exactly that. And by the way, you ARE a giant pincushion. Deal with it. 

Alan: And you finally realized what the real lesson was. You fill a certain role, a much needed role here. You were just whining too much yesterday I had to say something to shut you up. I was getting bored…you deal with it! Now let’s go annoy our loving boss.

Carol: Don’t you have a class?

Alan: Don’t you? 

Carol: Touché, the last one there has to kiss Sharon!

-	Carol is sitting at the table at the teacher’s lounge. Eric comes to sit next to her, Alan behind him and bringing up the rear Taylor. 

Eric: Brought you something. (He extracts a six pack of beer and starts distributing)

Carol: (Opens the bottle) this is much better.

Taylor: As opposed to?

Carol: Never mind. Go ask Alan. 

Alan: (Giggling) Yea, with your sexy little ass. 

Taylor: Maybe I don’t actually want to know. 

Eric: What was all that this morning?

Carol: I had a crisis of faith. I left something in Scott’s office, I’m sure he won’t understand. 

Eric: What was it?

Carol: You’ll hear it in the morning. 

(All Laugh)

-Scott’s office-
(Carol V.O.)

Tuesday, August 11th. Blackwater High School, Blackwater, Ohio.

Dear Mr. Holloway,
 We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Tuesday at work for whatever it was that we’re supposed to do. What we do is important. But we think you're crazy to make us behave like who you think we are. What do you care? You see us as you want to see us... in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. You see us as a prude, a creep, a bitch, a queer and a jock. Correct? That's the way we saw each other at seven o'clock yesterday morning. We were brainwashed. What you don’t understand is that each of us is a….
Sharon: a Prude
Eric: a Creep
Carol: a Bitch
Alan: a Queer
Taylor: a Jock
Carol: Does that prove our point?
Sincerely, the Blackboard Club.
P.S. We don’t expect you to get this reference….just go with it and please keep that look on your face until we get our cameras. And please don’t squash the crickets.
- Episode one: Pilot: End- 

Synopsis:

	Every high school has teachers. Every school has drama. In Blackwater High, however, the teachers have their own drama. Carol Weiss, is a worn out, sarcastic and bored high school English teacher. She spends more time pulling pranks on her fellow teachers than she does in a classroom. These tasks are only completed with the help of friend and co-worker, Eric Peterson. He is an equally lazy educator with a slight obsession with the uninterested Carol; he spends more time falling into her good graces risking his job and in some cases his freedom by helping her in her insane schemes than he does molding young minds. Many of the pranks are directed at an uptight, high strung, stereotypical kiss up Sharon Kim; she is the polar opposite of Carol and Eric. She is targeted for many of the jokes. In the opening episode she is given alcohol under the notion that it is really coffee. The shenanigans of the two lead characters often put them on the radar of their by the book, power hungry boss; Scott Holloway. All of the teachers are either proponents or opponents of Carol. From the blatantly homosexual music teacher Alan Pierce, to the comical jock, homophobic, daredevil Taylor Clark; Carol is far from alone in her quest to drive her more conventional co-workers completely insane. The Blackboard separates itself from other shows in the sense that it gives the high school hijinks to the very authority figures so often used as the opposition. In the wake of other work place comedies such as: The Office, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation and Community, the Blackboard takes the magic of those shows and puts it into a situation that everyone can relate to. Whether they be high school alumni or diligent educators there is an angle for every core audience to appreciate. Carol represents the anti-authority figure that ironically is in her own right a key authority figure. With this in mind it is necessary to make Scott a melodramatic representation of an authority figure likened to that of Mr. Vernon in “The Breakfast Club” (a comparison that is alluded to in several ways, including the final scene in which Carol writes Scott a letter using the famous format of the opening monologue from the film) There are many pop culture allusions; using everything from Snookie to Vicki Lawrence. I am confident that there is a nod to some cultural element of each core demographic. It would not be a high school comedy without some students; in the opening episode there have only been four actual teenagers introduced. The typical cheerleader/football player, the weird girl, the criminal (Yet another allusion to “The Breakfast Club) are present as either opposition or target of Carol’s fire. At this point, this is my first attempt at comedy; prior to this I have stuck with mostly horror and macabre fare. I am looking for representation or at the very least feedback from someone other than a family member or peer. I hope that the Blackboard is of some interest to anyone concerned or on a broader scale; comedy viewers.