EXT. FOREST - DAY
Two men in fancy suits run through the woods, avoiding low branches and jumping over logs.
JOEY, a small man with slick hair, stops momentarily and looks behind him as his tall friend catches up.
Joey's tall partner, BIG SAL, stumbles towards Joey.  Big Sal clutches his bloody left shoulder.
JOEY
How is it?
BIG SAL
I'll be fine. 
JOEY
Think we lost them?
The sound of a gunshot echoes through the trees.
BIG SAL
No.
The two men sprint away from the sound of the gunfire.
The forest begins to clear and they find themselves out of the woods, and stare at the ocean in front of them.
Big Sal looks as if he is about to cry.   
BIG SAL (CONT'D)
I knew we shouldn't have done it.  I knew it.  We're trapped!
JOEY
No, we ain't trapped.
Joey stares down the shore, smiles.  Down the shore is a boat.  Joey leads the way towards the boat.
BIG SAL
Is that a houseboat?
JOEY
It looks like a regular boat with a truck cap plopped on top.  Ugly as sin, but it will help us hid for a bit.
As they get closer to the boat, they take in just how ugly and ratty this boat is.
BIG SAL
Is it abandoned?  Think it can even drive?
JOEY
I hope so.
EXT. BOAT DECK - DAY
Joey jumps onto the small deck.  The creak of the boat sounds more like a scream.
BIG SAL
That thing'll break if I jump on it!
JOEY
Just come on!
Big Sal makes the leap.  The boat almost tips over, but levels out.
Joey reaches into his jacket and takes out a pistol.  Sal does the same.  Joey nods at Sal.  Sal opens the door to the boat.
INT. BOAT - DAY
Joey steps in the dark room, pointing his gun around the boat.  Sal follows.  Joey lowers his gun and looks around the room in disgust.
JOEY
Nobody could live here.
The room is a disaster.  Beer bottles and beer cans litter the floor.  Newspapers and nudie magazines are everywhere, and  yellow-stained mattress lies in the corner.
Sal looks at a table with two kiddie chairs, and decides to take a seat, testing the weight limit on the small chair.  Sal tends to his shoulder.
Joey looks around and spots what he's been looking for in the front, a control panel.  Joey walks up to the control panel.  There is a dirty seat in front of it.  The padding in the seat is coming out.
Joey reluctantly sits down, and starts fiddling with the controls.
BIG SAL
Do you have it?
JOEY
I have...no idea what I'm doing.  I'm trying.
Joey tries some more and notices a key hole.
JOEY (CONT'D)
Look around for keys.
BIG SAL
Can't you hotwire it?
JOEY
Just help me look for the keys, you oaf.
Joey and Sal look around for the keys.  They tear through piles of beer cans and under random nudie magazines.
Joey looks behind the curtains that cover the big windows of the boat. 
JOEY (CONT'D)
Hurry, before Jimmy's guys find us.
They turn it up a notch and start looking faster.
BIG SAL
We're never going to find anything in this mess.
JOEY
Just keep lo --
Joey stops talking when he hears the sound of twigs snapping outside on the shore.  He motions for Sal to shush.  
Sal takes out his gun and holds it in his shaking hand.
Joey walks over to the big window on the side and peeks through the side of the curtain.  He sees a glimpse of a man walking towards the boat.
Joey takes out his gun and positions himself at the side of the door.  Sal takes the other side.
The boat shakes as the man outside the boat jumps onto the deck.  The doorknob turns.  The door swings open, and a dirty looking man with a Schnapps bottle in hand walks in.  He kicks the door closed behind him and takes a couple steps inside the boat, not knowing Joey and Sal are behind him aiming their guns at his head.
The man takes a drink of his Schnapps.
VERN
My name's Vern.  You guys gonna kill me or not?
Sal and Joey share a confused look with each other.
JOEY
Should I kill you?
VERN
I can't think of a good reason to kill me, unless you're not a fan of Peach Schnapps.  It's the best of the Schnapps.
Big Sal lowers his gun and looks out the window to see if anyone else is out there.
JOEY
How'd you know we were in here.
VERN
I've broken in to enough places to know when my own place has been broken in to.
Vern points to Big Sal.
VERN (CONT'D)
I seen Bigfoot there's footprints outside, and unless my feet grew 5 sizes, I assumed someone else was in here.
Joey takes a step towards Vern and points his gun at Vern's chest. 
JOEY
All right.  You start this thing up and get to driving us outta here, and we'll let you live.
Vern takes a chug, and laughs at Joey. 
VERN
Oh, that's so very kind of you.  Why the guns and whatnot?  What's the hurry?
BIG SAL
We got some people after us and --
JOEY
Sal!  Shut up...
VERN
Oh.  Outlaws!  Gotcha.  Well all right then.  I don't feel like dying today.
Vern staggers to the control panel.  He plops down into the dirty seat and retrieves a key from his shirt pocket.  Vern starts the boat up, and operates the control panel like a pro.
Joey studies the man as he does this.
EXT. BOAT - DAY
The boat slowly sails from its spot and moves out towards the sun in the distance.
INT. BOAT - DAY
Joey watches Vern as he tinkers with more knobs.
Vern stands up from his chair and turns to his two kidnappers.
VERN
I'll let her do the work from here.  So who we running from?  The police?
BIG SAL
Yeah right, the cops could never find us.  We're running from...
Sal looks to Joey, whose eyes are telling Sal to shut up.
JOEY
What you don't know, won't hurt you, rummy.
VERN
Rummy?  !  I take exception to that, Sir.  This is the finest Schnapps in the land.
JOEY
Right...
BIG SAL
Vern, how do you live in this place?  It's sort of a dump.
VERN
This is my home, sir!  But don't you worry about me, my luck is changing for the better.
Vern notices the blood stain on Sal's left shoulder.
VERN (CONT'D)
I don't know if I can say the same for you, my friend.  Have you been shot?
JOEY
Worry about yourself.
VERN
Oh I always do, but he's hurt!
BIG SAL
I'm fine.
VERN
The hell you are, my massive companion.  Let me patch you up.
BIG SAL
Don't say "patch."
VERN
Why not?
JOEY
PATCH is the guy who shot him.
VERN
Oh, my apologies.  Well let me bandage you up.  I have a first aid kit around here....somewhere.....
EXT. BOAT - DAY
The boat chugs its way along.
INT. BOAT - DAY
Joey stands at the control panel, studying it.
Vern sits with Big Sal, who is bandaged up now.
BIG SAL
...And that's why they're after us.
VERN
Well, and I mean no offense, but if you robbed me of that much money, I would be upset too!
Joey joins them.
JOEY
He's lucky a bullet wound is all he suffered.  Patch is known for his affinity for grenades.  If he tossed one in the motel room, we both woulda been toast.
VERN
How did they find you?
BIG SAL
Oh, JIMMY LEGS has a lot of resources at his exposal.
JOEY
Yeah, everyone has a price, and Legs knows what it is with almost everyone.  But you know what, he can't get us now, so to hell with him and his one-eyed goon.
VERN
That's the spirit.  Your luck is turning around!  Very good!
JOEY
Why are you so happy, you drunk bastard?  You live in a dump and your liver probably barely functions.
VERN
I'm happy because I'm rich!
JOEY
Rich?  Yeah, right.  This is your mansion, I assume?  You're crazy is what you are.
BIG SAL
I think he means metaphorically.
JOEY
Whatever.  Crazy prick.  Are we almost to shore?  We need to get on land and get the hell out of here.
VERN
Yes, very soon.
Joey walks to the big window on the side and looks out.  The sun is beginning to set.
JOEY
Well it's going to be dark soon.  We need to get there fast.  Knowing Legs, I wouldn't be surprised if he will have people all along the shore.  Can this thing go any faster?
VERN
STYX can only go so fast.  I don't know if you noticed, but she's not the best fish in the pond.
JOEY
Styx?  You named your boat Styx?
VERN
Yes.
JOEY
Like the band?
VERN
Uh...yeah, the band.
EXT. BOAT - DAY
Joey peeks out of the big window.
The boat moves on.  The name "USS SCHNAPPS" is painted on the side.
INT. BOAT - DAY
Vern takes a chug from his Schnapps bottle.
VERN
So what do you guys plan on doing with that two million?
JOEY
I'd stop asking questions like that if I were you.
VERN
Hey now, I'm just trying to be a friendly nice guy, so when we get to where we're going, you might be kind enough to let me live.  I know I could potentially be a threat to you fellas, but I want you to know, I'm not.
BIG SAL
We know you're not, Vern.
JOEY
Wait.  How did you know it was two million bucks we stole?
Vern stammers a bit and knocks his Schnapps bottle over.
VERN
Our monstrous friend here mentioned it.
JOEY
Did he?
Joey looks at Sal, asking him the question with his eyes.
BIG SAL
I think I did. 
JOEY
Yeah...
Joey glares into Vern's eyes.  Vern avoids eye contact and looks to Big Sal.
VERN
How's your shoulder feeling now?
BIG SAL
Good.  I'll be fine.  I'm a strong guy.
VERN
Why of course you are!  Schnapps?
BIG SAL
No thanks. 
Joey walks back towards the front of the ship and looks at the control panel.
JOEY
(whispering)
I think I can drive the rest of the way.
Joey walks back to Vern and Sal.
JOEY (CONT'D)
Is it a straight run the rest of the way?
VERN
Not entirely.
Joey tries to hide his disappointment.
BIG SAL
You know, you got a good life, mister.  Open water, your own boat, and all the porno mags a man could want!
VERN
Yeah, it's a good life.
JOEY
Should be better though, right?  I mean, since you're rich.
BIG SAL
I don't think he meant rich in that way, Joey.
VERN
But I did!
BIG SAL
You did?
(laughs)
You ARE crazy, Vern!
VERN
Oh well I'm not rich yet, but I will be.
JOEY
Yeah, well you keep waiting for that winning lottery ticket.
VERN
Oh I don't have to wait for a lottery ticket.  The lottery ticket came to me!
BIG SAL
You DID win the lottery?
JOEY
Stop talking to him, Sal.  He's obviously a friggin psycho.
VERN
Well not THAT type of lottery, but the odds are the same.
BIG SAL
How much did you win?
VERN
I'm going to be fifty thousand dollars richer.
Joey laughs at the insane man.  Joey has his hand on his gun in case the crazed man tries something.
BIG SAL
How are you getting this money?
VERN
Just have to use my boat for a taxi
JOEY
Damn, you're crazy.  Nobody is gonna pay you squat.  
VERN
It's true!  All I have to do is sail Schnapps to a certain spot.
BIG SAL
Schnapps?
VERN
That's....um...a nickname for my ship.  I like Schnapps!  Dunno if you noticed that or not.
JOEY
Yeah I know.  I think you should stop drinking for the day.
VERN
Oh I'll be fine.  Actually, I think we're almost there.
Joey looks out the window and sees nothing but water.
JOEY
What are you talking about?
Vern goes to the control panel up front and turns off the engine.  Sal stares on with a confused look on his face.  Joey just looks downright pissed.
JOEY (CONT'D)
What the hell are you doing?  Start it back up.
VERN
But we're there!
JOEY
We're in the middle of the water, you drunk idiot. 
The reverberation of approaching watercrafts becomes deafening.
Joey reaches into his jacket for his pistol.
Vern's crazy eyes widen.  He runs full speed at the window and crashes through it.  He falls into the water with the glass and curtain.
Joey runs to the window, and freezes.
Big Sal, confused, stands up and walks to Joey's side.  
He looks out the window and sees the boat is surrounded by men on Jet Skis.  All of the men are pointing guns at the window.
EXT. BOAT - DAY
Vern splashes around in the water.  A blonde haired goon on a jet ski goes to him and helps him on.
INT. BOAT - DAY
Big Sal and Joey hide on either side of the window.  They avoid looking out the window.  They get their guns ready for the showdown.
VERN
(O.S.)
Sorry boys!  I ran across these fellas in the woods, said I could make 50 grand if y'all ended up on my boat, and sure enough, you did.  I'm rich!  Like I sa--
Vern's voice stops at the same time a loud gunshot is heard, followed by a splash.  Joey can't help but smile.
JOEY
You ready, Sal?  They're sitting ducks out there on those things.  We can take some of them out before they get us.
BIG SAL
Let's do it.
JOEY
(yelling)
Before we open fire on you and take some of you out, listen up.  We can share the money with you.  We can all walk away from this unharmed, and a lot richer.  What do you say?
Bullets riddle the boat.  Bullets fly in through the open window, right past Sal and Joey.
PATCH
(O.S.)
Hold your fire.  There's an easier way.
Joey's face turns white.  Big Sal rubs his shoulder.
Joey and Sal stare at each other in fear when a small object flies through the window and lands between them.  They both look down and stare at the grenade.