THE SMITHS
SAM JENSEN
Dirk Smith ................ Sam Jensen
Jennifer Cooney-Smith ......... Kylie Pommier
Jessica Smith .......... Taylor Humphries
Zack Smith ..........  Nick Curtin
Linda Smith .......... Katie A. Hawes
Robert E. Smith ......... Mike Wodopian
Candy Cornwell .......... Megan Wyderski
Steve Ponds "The German Mobster" .......... Steve Kelly
Mike McEmme ........... Taylor Warren
Hans Hitler ......... Steve Kelly 
Sylvia Rush ........... Stephanie Twardak
Grace Jansen ..........Katelyn Grace Beard
Jack the paramedic ............ 
Phil the paramedic .......... 
Miss Ramiro ........... Angela Ramiro
Officer Hannah Cooney ............ Hannah Cooney
Officer Stephanie Winchester ....... Stephanie Winchester
Allison Phyne ......... Allison M. Smith
Nicole the Alien ............. Nicole Heyden
Steve the Alien ............... Steve Kelly
Mr. McEmme ............ Taylor Warren 
The Waiter ............... 
Mable ......................  Ellie Schwegler

L.A., California ..................1968
Dirk's mom (Linda Smith) : Hey Dirk, dinner is almost ready turn off that television
Dirk(14): but ma, its the news, my favorite! with lead anchor James "Newsreader" Cooney.
Linda: gosh dang it i aint gonna ask u twice now turn the television off!
Dirk: gee whiz...
Linda: RODNEY DIRK SMITH! watch your mouth!
Dirk's Dad (Bob Smith) : hey i'm home!
Linda: hey bob, dinner is just being served
Bob: what the heck is this , linda?
Linda: i thought i'd try something new
Linda: i call it spaghetti-o's
Bob: wow honey, its spaghetti but rolled up into circles!
Dirk: mom, this spaghetti creation of yous really kicks ass!
Linda: DIRK! stop using that language right this instant!
Dirk: Mom, i wanna be an anchorman
Linda: Dirk, you're a fag 
Linda: ow.. my heart!
Linda Dirk,.. i love you!
Linda: Bob,.. call an ambulance, i'm having a heart attack
Bob: okay, the paramedics on the way
10 minutes later
Paramedic#1: Bobby! hows the wife doin, buddy!?
Bob: How do you think?
Paramedic#1: oh yeah, Phillie, bring out the stretcher!
Paramedic#2 (Phillie): i'm on it
Paramedic #1: well get off it, we gotta put Mrs. Smith on it.
Bob: Phil, Jack, take good care of her.
Paramedic #1 (Jack) : will do, Bob.
At school
Miss Ramiro: (whispers) Dirk, i heard your mom died last night, i am terribly sorry for your loss.
Dirk: (whispers) thank you miss ramiro, school's not gonna be the same.
Candy: Dirk Hey! Your mom is in a better place now...
Dirk: yes i know (candy wipes tear)
Candy: don't cry, i know how it feels, everything will be ok
Dirk: thanks for the support,....... candy, would you-
Steve Ponds: Hey people, i'm Steve Ponds, i love women (grab candy and kiss her)
Candy: wow, i love your accent, germany?
Steve Ponds: thats classified information but some people call me the german mobster.
Candy: you must-
Steve Ponds: Shut up and kiss me again, you whore 
Miss Ramiro: (Bell Rings) Dirk, Stay here, i want you to know, if there is anything you need, just tell me, ok?
Dirk: ok, there is something, i need a date for the Chicken under the sea Dance 
Miss Ramiro: i'm sorry, you're not my type
Dirk: o gosh, not u, i really like Allison Phyne over there
Miss Ramiro: Allison! get out, sweetie, the bell rang
Allison: Bye Miss Ramiro, Dirk, sorry about your mother, i'm here for you, if ya ever need me.
Miss Ramiro: Allison, i'll beat the living crap out of you if you dont go to 2nd period!
Dirk: Bye Miss R., i gotta go to math,... (whispers "crazy...")

The dance
Dirk: well, i think my chances of dancing with Allison are pretty good, Steve.
Steve Ponds: well smith, i really think its 1 out of a million, ya see, im going out with her.
Dirk: what about candy?
Steve Ponds: i dumped her, didnt ya get the memo?
Dirk: memo?
Steve Ponds: just a little humor, Smith. (gets up and dances with allison)
Miss Ramiro: things will work out, there is a person for everyone
Dirk: Miss Ramiro, i think we have a problem.
Miss Ramiro: what? am i too hot for you?
Dirk: you are what some people call a "stalker"
Miss Ramiro: okay, very well then.
(Dirk leaves and sits on a bench)
(Allison walks by Crying)
Dirk: Allison, whats wrong?
Allison: Steve just liked me for my body.
Dirk: well i'm sorry it had to end that way.
Allison: we're still going out.
Dirk: well, uh... do you want to dance?
Allison: i would like that more than anything in the world.
(They Dance.) "When A Man Loves A Woman" - Percy Sledge
Later that night Dirk runs home happily.
"Brown Eyed Girl" -Van Morrison

Bob: hey son, how was your day?
Dirk: well, i think mom would have been proud of me.
Bob: why, did you take the garbage out?
Dirk: no, dad, i danced with Allison.
Bob: that's an accomplishment!
Dirk: thanks, dad.
Bob: she's a real hot one, that Allison Phyne.
Dirk: quiet the news is on!
(fades to black .. )
"Unforgettable" - Nat King Cole
A Trailer in Fullerton, California .....................1991
Dirk: (puts out a cigarette)
someone knocks on the door
Dirk: come in! (two girl cops come in)
Officer Winchester: hey hottie
Officer Cooney: Hey i'm Officer Cooney, i gotta complaint from your neighbor, too much loud noise.
Dirk: oh, thats just my Nat King Cole record.
Officer Winchester: poor guy
Officer Cooney: what you need is a date
Dirk: i had one, once.
Officer Cooney: o well, my sister, Jenny is single, she's very good looking.
Dirk: Jenny Cooney?
Officer Cooney: yeah
Dirk: THE Jenny Cooney.
Officer Cooney: yes, if you want to find her, she's in Plainfield, Illinois, just say Hannah sent ya.
Officer Winchester: i hope things work out for you
Both Officers: Bye! (exits trailer)
1968 at a restaraunt
Dirk: Allison, thanks for going out with me today.
Allison: oh, of course, Dirk.
Dirk: so, what are you going to order?
Allison: probably the Chicken.
Waiter: are we ready to ordrer?
Dirk: yes, The Chicken Dinner for the lady, and i'll have some dry white toast.
Waiter: what would you like on that?
Dirk: No, sir, dry.
Waiter: anything to drink?
Dirk: No.
Allison: Water, please.
Waiter: okay, be about 10 minutes.
Dirk: thanks, pal.
Allison: Dirk, i think we need to talk about something.
Dirk: What? What's there to talk about?
Allison: our friendship.
Dirk: I value it.
Allison: that's the thing, Dirk, we are JUST FRIENDS.
Dirk: but-
Allison: No, JUST FRIENDS!
(Allison walks up and leaves)
(Toast Gets Served)

Plainfield, Illinois 1991

Dirk and Jen are sitting on a bench.

Jen: Well Dirk, i'm glad you came to meet me.
Dirk: iI didn't really have a choice, i've loved you since I was only a boy.
Jen: well, i've grown a lot since then.
Dirk: I mean, you are incredible! you are JENNY COONEY!
Jen: thank you, but that's in the past.
Dirk: Jenny baby, i watched you every night at 8.
Jen: geeze, I only came on the news every once and a while.
Dirk: but you're James "Newsreader" Cooney's daughter.
Jen: Dirk, I love the news as much as you-
Dirk: don't think so.
Jen: let me finish, that was a long time ago, I was only 10.
Dirk: will you marry me?
Jen: Yes.
(Dirk and Jen Kiss)

14 Years Later at a nice home in East L.A., California
Dirk: Jen, i am so glad we got married 14 years ago and had two kids since then
Jenny: i am glad too, happy anneversiry, Dirk.
Dirk, Happy anniversiry indeed
Jenny: hey Dirk, look here in the newspaper, the anchorman of a local station died!
Dirk: my chance to be an anchorman, i'm auditioning today!!!!!!!
Jenny: auditions are tommorrow
Dirk: tommorrow's fine too.
Zack: hey dad, i think aliens are in my closet
Dirk: what the hell! go back to bed , there is no aliens
Zack: but-
Dirk: no buts!
Zack: ok, good night mom, good night dad
Jen and Dirk: Good Night Zack
Dirk: say, it's 12, where the heck is Jessica??
Jenny: she's with a guy
Dirk: at the library?
Jenny: Dirk, she went to Hans' house
Dirk: who the heck is Hans?
Jenny: do you pay attention to your daughter?
Jenny: Hans is her boyfriend and she is at his house 
Dirk: and what are they doing there at midnight?
Jenny: oh, the midnight movie festival is on tv, they are watching it together.. o how romantic, huh?
Dirk: well whatever you say jennifer, i have to meet this hans character.
Jenny: Jessica invited him for dinner here tommorrow.
Dirk: perfect....
The Audition
Mable: hey, my name is mable, take a seat and I be with y'all in a moment.
Dirk: Okay.
(Dirk is in a room with no one and is practicing.)
Dirk: Hello, I'm Dirk Smith, Good Evening, Dirk Smith Here, Hola, Cenor Dirk Smith Aqui, I'm Dirk Smith, and Girl, That's Whack,... , Whazzzzzzup, DJ D-Smith up in hurr. Why, Hello There, I'm Dirk Smith.
Mable: (walks in) Okay Sir, tell me your age.
Dirk: Twenty Five
Mable: Year of birth
Dirk: Nineteen Fifty Four
Mable: what is your current occupation?
Dirk: I sell Bird cages out of the back of my hummer
Mable: what is your yearly earning?
Dirk: what's this gotta do with being an anchorman?!
Mable: okay, sir, we'll call you.

Dinner the next day
Hans is sitting across from Dirk
(Phone Rings, Dirk Answers)
Dirk: Hello, are you high?, No, Yes, Dirk Smith, are you kidding me?
(Hangs up)
Jenny: who was that?
Dirk: It was Mable, i'm the new anchorman for Channel 1 News!
Hans: Congradulations, Mr. Smith.
Dirk: thank you.
Dirk: Hans, i didn't catch your last name
Jessica: (whisper) oh god no... 
Hans: it's Hitler, sir.
Dirk: Jen! get my shotgun we got a friggin nazi at our dinner table
Hans: Mr.Smith! No!
Jessica: Dad!
Jen: Dirk!
Zack: E.T. !
Dirk: i dont want my daughter to have a friggin nazi baby
Hans: Mr. Smith, i am only part german and i am not a nazi 
Jessica: that reminds me, mom, dad, i'm pregnant
Hans runs out of the house 
Dirk: it's like the holocaust make this stop!
Jenny: Dirk, go lie down
Dirk: yes ma'am (leaves room)
Jessica: why does dad always have to be like that? (crying)
Jenny: well your father is just nervous about his new job
Jenny: and the stress really builds up
Jenny: Did you say you were pregnant?
Jessica stares at Jenny blankly

8:00 news
Dirk: hey i'm the new anchorman, Dirk Smith
Sylvia: hi i'm sylvia rush, (shakes hand)
Julia Ho: I'm julia ho, i do sports
Mike: the names Mike McEmme, i have a cravin for the lucky charms
Dirk: thats fantastic,.. when do we start?
Sylvia: we will be on the air in 2 minutes
Julia Ho: 3 minutes by my watch
Dirk: alright then
Dirk: i've always wanted to be an anchorman, ever since i was a kid
Sylvia: thats just great (takes a sip of coffee)
Dirk: i cant take this! (storms out and goes across the street to a bar)

Lucky Emme's Bar
Dirk: aww my life sucks
Mr.McEmme: have a beer on the house, fella
Mr.McEmme: the name's Mr.McEmme, i own this joint
Dirk: McEmme? that sounds firmiluar
Mr.McEmme: o me son, he is a weather man for the 8 o clock news
Dirk: news?... THE NEWS! (rushes out and back to the news)
8:00 News
Dirk: I'm back, I missed you guys
Dirk: are we on?
Sylvia: yeah
Dirk: ok (walks behind the desk)
Dirk: I'm Dirk Smith welcome to the 8 o clock news
Sylvia: and i'm Sylvia Rush, now here is Grace Jansen on location in Plainfield with your top story
Grace: Thank you, Sylvia, as you can see behind me is a house, and just moments ago this house was on fire.
Grace: here is the owners that luckily werent home at the time , Steve and Allison Ponds
Dirk has a shocked look on his face
Grace: Back to you in the studio, Sylvia.
Sylvia: thank you Grace, any comments on that Dirk?
Dirk: i want that ponds guy to die dammit! (throws paper and knocks down coffee cup)
Julia Ho: ...and the weather just keeps getting hotter here in southern illinois.
That night at Dirk's home
Dirk: Everyone, we are going on a trip!
Jen: where dirk where?
Jessica: yeah dad where?
Dirk: to Plainfield!
Zack: and where is that?
Dirk: it doesnt matter you are staying here
Zack: why?
Dirk: Because you are an embarrassment to this family
Zack: okay
"Holiday Road"

On the road
Jessica: Dad, i gotta pee, can we stop?
Dirk: sure, theres probably a bathroom in this nuclear plant.
Jenny: Dirk! we are not stopping at a nuclear plant!
Dirk: Fine!
Dirk: Jenny, i think there's a beer bottle under the seat
Jessica: Dad!
Dirk: fine, we'll stop at a friggin gas station.
Dirk stops at a gas station and jessica gets out
Jenny: so Dirk, we are visiting your old friend from middle school, why?
Dirk: his house burnt down and it would only be right to say sorry for his loss
Jenny: aww you are so kind
Jessica: i'm back
Dirk: so, Jessica think of any baby names?
Jessica: not yet, we dont even know the gender yet.
Dirk: how about Adolf jr.? (Dirk Laughs)
Jenny: Dirk, your mother wouldnt appriciate that
Dirk: well she's dead so i dont care!
Linda:(Dirk sees his mom in jen's seat) Dirk, i miss you
Dirk: mom!
Linda: hey honey, tell your father i love him
Dirk: dad died too, a while back
Linda: thats odd, i havent seen him here in heaven
Dirk: well.. Dad wasnt really ... a nice guy
Linda: oh...
Linda: well, i have to go now, me and ronald reagan are gonna see sharkboy and lavagirl , bye!
Dirk: bye.. mom
Jenny: Dirk, are you ok?
Dirk: yes more than ok
Jenny: is this the place on the right here?
Dirk: yep, 14054 hemingway circle
Dirk: there he is, with that stupid grin on his face
Steve Ponds: Dirk! Buddy!
Dirk: Steve, Allison.
Allison: hey, it's great to see you again
Dirk: great to see you too, this is my family,my wife Jennifer and our daughter, Jessica, our son Zack is sick at home.
Jenny: nice to meet you, Steve and Allison.
Jessica: hey
Allison: well i bet you heard our house burnt down 
Steve Ponds: Yes it did but firemen put it out and we are fine now
Steve Ponds: so how ya been?
Dirk: Great (pulls out gun)
Steve Ponds: hey man, put that away, we can settle our differences another way
Jenny: close your eyes, Jess.
Dirk: for almost 40 years i have been waiting for this day, you ruined my life and stole my girl
Allison: Jessica, Jen, lets go inside i made brownies
Jenny: okay sounds good
Jessica: none for me, i wanna see dad shoot this mother-
Jenny: Jessica, you will come inside and eat brownies right now!
Jessica: yes mom. (they all go inside)
Steve Ponds: Dirk, i'm sorry, i- i- i love you
Dirk: i'm sorry too, Steve
Steve Ponds: aww put that gun away and come here big guy!
Steve and Dirk Hug
Dirk: let's have brownies
Steve: great idea, buddy.
Steve and Dirk go inside and everyone eats brownies together.
THE END
After Credits
(Zack is home alone drinking pepsi)
(Doorbell rings)
(Zack answers door)
Zack: Who are you?
Nicole: I'm Nicole, i come from mars, i need fuel for my spaceship.
Zack: oh hey Nicole, come on in!
Nicole: now.. where do you keep your spaghetti-o's?
Zack: in the kitchen, my dead grandma invented those 
Nicole: Yes i know, we worship her on mars (walks to kitchen and grabs spaghetti-o's)
Zack: if only she were alive
Nicole: thank you .. sorry whats your name?
Zack: oh its Zack Z. Smith
Zack: the Z. stands for Zachary
Nicole: hot name (winks)
Zack: thanks
Zack: so you wanna go out sometime?
Nicole: i -
(another alien walks in)
Steve: Lakes, Steve Lakes.
Nicole: oh, Zack this is my boyfriend, Steve Lakes.
Steve: Zack hey buddy, we gotta fly thanks for the o's
Nicole: Bye Zack!
Zack: bye..
(Nicole and Steve Leave)
Zack: oh well...
Jen, Jessica and Dirk come in.
Dirk: hey we're home
Dirk: who was here? spaghetti-o's are missing.
Zack: hey dad, it was.. the repo man
Dirk: Blast you Repo Man!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE REAL END