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TWIST
Copyright (c) 2001 by Brennan Haley
FADE IN:
INT.APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - DAY
FIVE SCUMBAG TERRORISTS of assorted nationalities clean their
machine guns in a small apartment living room, laughing at a
cheesy COLT DERRINGER B-grade action movie on TV. Lying at
their feet is A CAT.
By the men's deference, we can determine which of the group
is their leader: ALISTAIR HAHN, a calm but very focused
looking man of undeterminable race.
TELEVISION IMAGE:
The hero, Colt Derringer, confronts one of the film's bad
guys, trying to intimidate him into revealing some
information.
COLT
I'll tell you what I'm not gonna do. I'm
not gonna take any crap from some runty
little, bony assed, zit popping RETARD!!
Colt points his finger into the bad guy's chest, causing the
diminutive, sweaty faced villain to shrink in his chair.
COLT (CONT'D)
Now, you tell me what I wanna know or I'm
gonna slap your fat ugly face till you
start crying. Yeah, that's right. Me
and all your buddies are gonna laugh
about it - yeah - with your MOMMA - while
we're all in BED!!
BACK TO SCENE:
One of the terrorists, YURI RUSCHTOV, laughs and gives the
television the finger.
RUSCHTOV
If anyone ever said that about my mother
....
Rushtov slams the bolt back on his HK MP-5 submachine gun,
making an ominous sound.
There's an AUDIBLE SCRAPING NOISE outside one of the walls.
Glances are exchanged, and guns cocked.
The cat turns it's head to the noise, squinting and yawning.
Ruschtov goes to the wall and puts his ear to it.
KABOOM!!! THE WALL EXPLODES, showering wallpapered shrapnel
onto Ruschtov, holding his deafened ear. The wall collapses
and falls away to reveal another room full of heavily armed
SWAT officers in full battle gear.
ALISTAIR
Everybody down!!
The SWAT launch canisters of tear gas, and a firefight ensues
within the cramped space of the smoke filled room.
Terrorists and SWAT immediately take cover behind the nearest
furniture.
Bursts of gunfire rip through chair backs and cabinet
cupboards, amidst much yelling and cursing in several
languages. Anyone exposing a knee or a foot from behind
their cover, gets it shot at.
During all this, the cat is FREAKING OUT OF IT'S SKULL,
tearing through the apartment for a place to hide.
It runs into Ruschtov behind a lounger and claws the hell out
of the poor man.
Rushtov stands, trying to escape the berserk cat, and is shot
repeatedly. The cat burrows under the lounger, hissing and
spitting, not caring about it's dead owner slumped beside it.
BLAKE MOLODY
You are all under arrest! Lay your
weapons on the deck or you will be shot!!
The SWAT leader is COMMANDER BLAKE MOLODY, a man whose
piercing glare suggests strength, commitment, and a
pathological lack of humanity.
Alistair Hahn spots a clear path and makes a run for the
opening blasted in the wall. Blake intercepts him.
Both men raise their weapons to shoot each other - Nothing -
Their guns are both empty.
They rush and grapple. Alistair pulls a knife, and Blake
wrestles with him for it.
CLOSE ON KNIFE:
The knife scrapes along Blake's arm, shaving hair and sweat
off. The knife reaches a boil on Blake's arm, and with
excruciating pain, cuts it off. Big scream and Blake frees a
hand to deck Alistair, losing the knife.
BACK TO SCENE:
Alistair tries to break away, but Blake snaps their wrists
together with handcuffs.
BLAKE
You're under arrest, asshole.
Alistair shows no fear or intimidation whatsoever.
ALISTAIR
Are you going to read me my rights?
Blake decks Alistair, knocking him down.
BLAKE
You have no rights.
He drags Alistair to his feet, the handcuffs cutting both
their wrists. Alistair's lip bleeds, but his focus is
impenetrable.
ALISTAIR
You're not going to take me alive.
Alistair spots a grenade clipped to Blake's vest and quicker
than any possible reaction, pulls the pin off. Blake rips
the grenade off his load bearing harness and Alistair bashes
his elbow, sending the grenade flying to the wall opening.
Both men hit the ground - there's A HUGE EXPLOSION - and the
adjacent room the SWAT emerged from goes shooting down the
highway as we realize we're in the back of a semi-truck
trailer outfitted like an apartment.
EXT.MAJOR INTERSTATE HIGHWAY - DAY
The terrorist's semi continues along the highway, while the
SWAT's delivery truck cartwheels and rolls out of control,
slamming into approaching cars.
INT.APARTMENT/TRUCK TRAILER - DAY
Alistair tries to jump out the back of the truck, dragging
Blake with him. The two wrestle - Alistair headbutts Blake -
and is about to jump, when the rest of the SWAT team drag
both men back inside.
Blake unlocks his hand cuff and wipes blood from his mouth as
the others hold Alistair down on the floor.
BLAKE
Where is it?
Alistair says squat. Blake treats himself to a good backhand
across Alistair's bitter smile.
BLAKE (CONT'D)
Tell me where it is!!
Alistair coughs on some blood, saying nothing. Blake smiles
fiercely.
BLAKE (CONT'D)
The only difference between me finding
out and my boss, is how much pain you'll
go through.
Alistair sticks to his story, and says zip.
The SWAT LIEUTENANT brings out finger print gear and an
optical reader. Alistair makes a fist, being uncooperative.
Blake holds a knife to Alistair's fingers.
BLAKE (CONT'D)
We can print these independent of your
hand if you like.
Alistair grimaces and opens his hand, seemingly to Blake's
dismay.
The finger printed card is put into the optical reader, and a
red light flashes a negative match.
BLAKE (CONT'D)
Who are you?
Lieutenant pulls out a photo and holds it up to Alistair's
face. It's a match.
LIEUTENANT
This is the guy, Blake.
Blake turns Alistair's head, exposing his jawline and a
series of scars - Plastic surgery.
BLAKE
He's a fake.
LIEUTENANT
What do we do with him?
Blake looks down at the Fake Alistair with a very grim smile.
BLAKE
Chuck'em.
Without hesitation, the SWAT members pick up a struggling
Fake Alistair and take him to the back of the truck.
BLAKE (CONT'D)
Wait. Maybe we can trace the surgeon.
Fake Alistair is recuffed and dumped beside the dead or
restrained bodies of his comrades.
EXT.TRUCK TRAILER - DAY
Blake and Lieutenant stand at the back of the trailer doors,
staring out at the road as we pull away from the truck.
LIEUTENANT
So where is he?
We continue to pull away, seeing the highway filled with
eighteen wheelers.
BLAKE
Could be anywhere.
LIEUTENANT
What do we do?
BLAKE
Keep looking.
EXT.STUDIO LOT - HOLLYWOOD - DAY
A bronze 99 Jaguar pulls up to the studio gate with a throaty
purr, the finish sparkling in the brilliant California sun.
The GUARD spares the gorgeous car barely a glance, the
parking lot filled with the cream of automobile excellence.
GUARD
Name?
The tinted window glides down to reveal a tanned, regal
looking ELDERLY MAN, slick backed grey hair and sunglasses.
RICHARD LAYSBROOK
Richard Laysbrook.
The guard sees that name on his clipboard, and waves him
through with a yawn.
GUARD
Studio C is straight forward, third
building on the right.
INT.STUDIO C - DAY
Richard Laysbrook enters the building, taking off his
sunglasses. On the wall beside him is a hand written sign
reading:
COLT DERRINGER III: FORCE RECON OF DEATH
NOW SHOOTING - SHUT UP AND STAY OUT OF THE WAY
We see that Richard is a short fellow, dressed extremely
stylishly in the latest from Hugo Boss.
Richard walks onto the set, gawking at the various props and
light standards. It's apparent from his wide-eyed, almost
childish interest, that Richard is a movie buff in heaven.
A scene is being shot on a very cheesy replica of a small
Panamanian town. Cameras, powerful lights and flash cards
surround the FILM DIRECTOR as he blocks a scene with his
actors.
Richard quietly steps within listening distance, a GAFFER
letting him by, mistaking him for the boss.
RICHARD
How's it going?
Gaffer, old and gruff, has definitely been there and done
that.
GAFFER
It's like something out of David Lean's
asshole.
Richard grins and nods, gesturing with his thumb to keep up
the good work.
Director is talking with his star, TELLY KOVAWLACHEK.
Telly is Kevin Costner and Sylvester Stallone before the hair
styling, Mel and Arnold before the dialogue coaching, or what
Cusak and Baldwin still are: a star waiting to happen.
Naturally athletic, large blue/green eyes that look better on
film than in person, and the kind of perfect blonde hair that
no one's seen since Robert Redford - Telly has everything a
movie star needs, except the two most crucial things: a lucky
break and a pronounceable surname.
Richard moves within listening distance.
TELLY
My guy's in pain, I'm lost, I feel
incomplete, I'm searching for something.
This is the one moment that defines who I
am. I need to know what motivates me to
do what you want, especially when it's
going to have such serious repercussions.
Otherwise, I can't do it.
Director has been discussing this all morning, and the sheer
frustration of the effort plays in his clipped words as he
holds up an envelope.
DIRECTOR
Look, for the last time. Take this
envelope and put it into the mailbox.
You're just mailing a letter - Nothing
more.
Telly regards the letter, then Director, with great
seriousness.
TELLY
But ... why am I mailing it?
Director calmly licks the envelope and mashes it into Telly's
forehead.
DIRECTOR
LUNCH!!!!
Director spins, fists clenched, and strides past Richard,
muttering and cursing under his breath. Richard walks up to
Telly, who pulls the envelope off his face.
RICHARD
Hello.
Telly looks off at Director kicking aside equipment on his
way out, and holds the envelope to his forehead again.
TELLY
Do you think he's trying to say something
to me? Maybe that if I imagine what's
inside the letter, I'll know why to mail
it?
Richard laughs, then realizes on Telly's world, that was a
serious question. Richard leads Telly out.
RICHARD
What he meant was, have some lunch.
Telly nods thoughtfully.
TELLY
I see.
EXT.RESTAURANT - RODEO DRIVE - DAY
Filthy rich tourists stroll down the world's most expensive
strip mall, past a tacky looking stucco sided restaurant.
INT.RESTAURANT - DAY
Richard and Telly sit in a booth with Evian and salads.
Richard speaks very quickly and confidently, a salesman
extrordinaire, his accent pure L.A. hustler.
RICHARD
My name's Richard Laysbrook. My
production company is Camelot In Arms.
They say the material makes the movie,
but everyone knows that without a star,
even the best script is just a slab off a
dead tree.
Telly picks at his salad, nodding. This is obviously a job
interview, and right now, Telly would agree if Richard told
him that the world was flat.
RICHARD (CONT'D)
Any gambler knows, the only way to win is
to press your winnings. Too much
reverence means results that are
underwhelming. But irreverence gives you
a shot at touching magic.
TELLY
Definitely. I've always thought that. I
couldn't agree more.
(pause)
What do you mean?
Richard smiles, and hands over a business card.
RICHARD
I'm offering you a job.
EXT.WASHINGTON D.C. - NIGHT
One of those classic circling helicopter shots of Washington
D.C. lit up at night.
INT.AGENCY OFFICE - NIGHT
There's a knock at the door, and Telly sticks his head in.
TELLY
Hello?
RICHARD
Come on in, Telly.
Telly walks in, gazing wide eyed at the spacious office.
Lining the walls are gorgeous framed prints of every American
President in the last eighty years.
Standing by a desk is no longer Richard Laysbrook, Hollywood
sleezebag producer - but Garvin Case, Intelligence Officer.
He is now serious and formal in a dark suit with no jewelry.
Garvin gestures for Telly to sit on a nearby couch. Telly is
unusually nervous, and speaks rapidly with the jitters.
TELLY
I really appreciate you offering me this
part. Except for the Colt Derringer
movies, I haven't really done much -
except for that ex-boyfriend part on Ally
McBeal - and even then, they morphed Mel
Gibson's face onto mine for the dream
sequence. But I really think I could
really do this. My ex always said I
could really get somewhere if I was
really willing to do whatever it really
takes.
GARVIN
Really?
Telly misses the "really" gibe, continuing to babble while
pacing the office.
TELLY
So ...
(waving hands)
... I'm, I'm finally ready to say, I'll
do anything. I want this job, I'm going
to get it, and I'll do anything you want
me to do.
Garvin's frown deepens as Telly sits on the couch,
unbuttoning his shirt.
TELLY (CONT'D)
You know, I don't do this, I mean, I've
got friends, you know, that do, and you
hear about how all the big stars did when
they were starting out, so I guess, I can
too.
Garvin stops Telly, gesturing for him to put his shirt back
on.
GARVIN
That's not why I brought you here.
TELLY
No?
GARVIN
No.
Telly starts to button his shirt, then stops.
TELLY
Are you sure? Cause if this is a test or
something, I can ...
GARVIN
Trust me. Just relax, alright. I have a
serious job to offer to you.
Garvin trades his L.A. patter for a slight British accent,
giving him intelligence, wisdom, and an air of affability,
even when discussing serious matters.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
My name isn't Richard Laysbrook, and I'm
not some sleezy, perverted, scumbag movie
producer. I work for the American
government.
Garvin holds his hand out, having smoothly transformed
personalities right in front of a professional actor.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
Garvin Case.
Telly shakes Garvin's hand, liking the switcheroo, admiring
the technique, and slightly offended that the first thing out
of this man's mouth was a lie.
Garvin makes his proposal just like a movie pitch.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
Here's what we want, in twenty five words
or less.
TWIST
Okay - shoot.
GARVIN
There's a man threatening our country's
security. He's hurt many people. Now he
wants to hurt us.
Twist solemnly nods.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
I'm in charge of a plan to stop him.
Garvin opens a folder on his desk and pulls out personnel
files of various agents, gesturing for Telly to come over.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
We've decided to appoint a highly capable
super agent with all the resources of our
government to track down and apprehend
this terrorist.
TWIST
Sure, that's what I'd do.
GARVIN
There's just one problem.
Garvin shows the file's photographs to Twist. They are all
extremely plain and exceptionally unheroic looking men.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
We don't employ people like that.
Twist thumbs through the pictures, wincing.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
The very idea of James Bond goes against
every aspect of modern espionage. The
definition of a spy is one who observes
in secret. Tough to do with Pierce
Brosnan or Connery, right?
Telly checks out a particularly homely fellow.
TELLY
Yeah, this character looks straight out
of Her Majesty's Secret Weirdos.
GARVIN
But it's such a compelling fiction that
people still believe in it.
Garvin pushes a file over to Telly, marked ALISTAIR HAHN: TOP
SECRET.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
He will too. All we need is to give the
appearance of a heroic super spy and our
villain here will pull up stakes and run.
When that happens, our guys jump out of
the shadows and arrest him.
Telly nods, browsing through the papers.
TELLY
Sounds like a plan.
GARVIN
But we don't really have anyone in the
agency that can portray a movie spy. In
fact, as far as men of danger and
intrigue go, I'm pretty much pick of the
litter.
Garvin smiles, tweaking his moustache. Twist regards the
tiny old man with a halfhearted smile of encouragement.
TWIST
I see your problem.
Garvin sighs in reluctant agreement. He sits on one of the
desk's corners, leaning in towards Telly.
GARVIN
We may not have the spy, but we've got
the budget, the equipment, the production
values, everything needed to make this a
huge E-ticket ride.
Telly looks up.
TELLY
Sounds like it'd make a pretty good
movie.
GARVIN
How'd you like to be our star?
Telly's smile falters, taking this in.
TELLY
Oh man, hey, I'm just an actor. I'm no
spy.
Garvin smiles, loving this.
GARVIN
That's right. We don't want a spy, we
want to portray one. Remember?
Twist nods, vaguely getting it. Still unsure, but desperate
for work, he studies Garvin.
TELLY
What's my character?
GARVIN
Jack Twist - international mercenary and
super spy.
Telly's eyes widen, imagining the possibilities.
TWIST
Cooooool.
EXT.BERMUDA - CAFE - DAY
It's a blistering hot day at an outdoor cafe in sunny
Bermuda.
The real Alistair Hahn sits at a table with a nervous looking
fellow of Pakistani origins, SCHAOL LEN. Schaol passes over
a manilla envelope, wary of being seen.
SCHAOL
Here's is the arrangement for our
payment. Delivery will take place as
soon as you've succeeded. Remember, it
must look like an accident, and nothing
can lead back to us.
ALISTAIR
You should be concerned. If anything
goes wrong, it'll start a war. You'll
probably be the first person your
president has shot.
Schaol's face drops, not hearing the assurance he expected.
Alistair smiles, jerking his chain.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
Relax. I just don't want you to have any
false expectations.
Schaol wipes his forehead and glares, stalking off. Alistair
toasts his drink to the departing man, and takes the
envelope.
EXT.VIRGINIA FARMLAND - AGENCY TRAINING GROUNDS - DAY
Garvin and Twist pull past the guard fence in a plain beige
sedan.
INT.BARRACKS ROOM - DAY
Twist is led into a room crammed with racks of clothing. A
stylish, high energy New Yorkish COSTUME DESIGNER flocks to
Twist with a tape measure, a cigarette in the corner of her
mouth.
Twist watches with embarrassment, as she measures him.
TWIST
Hi there.
COSTUME DESIGNER
(raspy voiced)
Hi yourself. Alright, you're a forty
chest, thirty four leg, thirty two waist.
TWIST
Is that good?
Costume Designer thumbs through the racks, pulling out
appropriate outfits.
COSTUME DESIGNER
Well, you're going to work for the
government, so I'll leave room for a
thicker neck, but dahling, your waist is
to die for. You have an admirable
resistance to fried foods and pastry.
The walls are covered with pictures from various James Bond,
Rambo, and Diehard films. Costume Designer holds up several
tuxes, military uniforms, stealthy coveralls, even underwear,
putting together Twist's new ensembles.
COSTUME DESIGNER (CONT'D)
Here's your outfits for winter
operations. This one's for aerial
bombardment, this one's for nuclear
missile bases in the Ukraine, but not
Valdivostok - trust me there's a
difference. And this one you can wear in
the city, but don't take it into the
jungle, under any circumstances
whatsoever.
TWIST
I won't be camouflaged?
COSTUME DESIGNER
You'll clash. Look, good luck on the
mission and blah, blah, blah, but if you
get caught behind enemy lines, and you're
dressed like a potzer from Queens? Swear
to God, I'll kick your ass black and
blue.
She hands Twist a vial of cologne.
COSTUME DESIGNER (CONT'D)
Your most important secret weapon. Put a
little of this behind your ear and the
girl's will fall into bed with you before
you can even order room service.
Costume Designer pinches his cheek, and leaves, coughing and
hacking. Twist holds the cologne up for Garvin to try.
GARVIN
Don't point that thing at me.
INT.SHOOTING RANGE - DAY
Garvin watches as Twist gets instruction from a grim face,
barrel chested, machine gun wielding DRILL INSTRUCTOR. On
the walls are racks upon racks of every firearm on the
planet.
TWIST
Don't bother. I already did weapons
training for a bit part in TERMINATOR. I
was the rebel gunner in the car that
overturns and I get squished in flames.
Drill Instructor hands Twist a H&K MP-5 machine gun, his
voice cutting through the building like an air raid siren.
DRILL INSTRUCTOR
This isn't the movies! You have to learn
to defend yourself as if someone's really
trying to kill you.
Twist shoulders the gun and snaps the bolt back.
TWIST
On a James Cameron picture, that's
EXACTLY how we train.
Twist opens up with the machine gun, totally shredding a
nearby target dummy into a big pile of stuffing. Raised
eyebrows all around.
EXT.OBSTACLE COURSE - DAY
MONTAGE:
Drill Instructor goes to work on Twist, running him ragged on
the obstacle course. Garvin and AGENCY DIRECTOR WILLIAM
HANFORD watch as Twist gets nervous from the attention and
screws up his training royally.
Sensing weakness, Drill Instructor keeps pushing, and Twist's
mistakes culminate with him misfiring a mortar round that
sails right past the target zone into the training ground's
parking lot, exploding a gorgeous looking Camero.
Drill Instructor watches this through his binoculars, his
mouth dropping.
DRILL INSTRUCTOR
My car. He blew up my car. I just put
new floor mats in it.
Drill Instructor lowers his binoculars to see a torn rubber
car mat frisbee past him. Garvin leads Twist away, while
Director Hanford holds back an enraged Drill Instructor.
EXT.FIELD - DAY
Twist collapses down on the grass, Garvin standing nearby.
TWIST
Think I should quit?
GARVIN
Well, the instructor did mention wanting
to fire you - from a cannon.
TWIST
The instructor should be running the
mission. He's Bondian.
Garvin shakes his head.
GARVIN
James Bond wouldn't last two minutes in
our world. Real spies are boring, plain,
completely forgettable people who blend
in the background. Absolute zeros, to be
perfectly blunt.
TWIST
You must be an Agency legend, then -
Kidding!
Garvin smiles embarrassedly.
GARVIN
I've tried to be a field agent before,
only to find out that I'm exceptionally
bad at it.
Twist looks up, confused.
TWIST
I'm lost here. I don't understand what
you want me to do.
Garvin sits beside him.
GARVIN
What every hero does - save the world.
Twist nods, willing to follow where Garvin leads him.
TWIST
So I'm really gonna be a spy?
GARVIN
No. I'm fairly sure you'd be even worse
at it than me.
TWIST
Then what am I supposed to do?
GARVIN
What you do best. Put on a show.
Garvin holds out his hands, using his fingers to make the
square that is every film director's symbol for a movie's
frame. Within the frame is the horizon. Twist looks at
Garvin, willing to try.
EXT.INDIAN OCEAN - DAY
The oil tanker MAHARA RHINDU plods it's enormous rust
speckled hull through the Indian Ocean towards the port city
of Alrabi. Sailing discretely in the distance is a small
fishing trawler.
INT.TRAWLER - DAY
Alistair and a fellow named LISTER - right out of HENCHMEN R
US - stand at a table with a map of the area. The map has
the plot of the oil tanker's route. Alistair checks the map,
some figures written in an open notebook, then his watch.
ALISTAIR
They're in place. Let's go.
Lister grabs a radio detonator from a vinyl bag and holds it
up to Alistair. Alistair waves for Lister to do the honors.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
Be my guest.
Alistair is mildly amused to see the rest of his crew watch
the oil tanker in the distance with their hands over their
ears. Lister smiles with anticipation and thumbs the
detonator button above a blinking red light.
INT.OIL TANKER ENGINE ROOM - DAY
Tucked underneath a complex of valves and dials, unnoticed by
any of the sweat covered engine room workers, is a tiny box.
A red light blinks and the box ignites in a huge blast.
EXT.INDIAN OCEAN - DAY
The tanker continues along it's way, the only outward
evidence of the explosion, a slight metallic thump.
INT.TRAWLER - DAY
LISTER
That's it?
ALISTAIR
That's it.
LISTER
What did we do?
ALISTAIR
We didn't do anything. This is all just
a terrible accident.
Henchman frowns. Alistair just gestures to wait and see.
EXT.SWITZERLAND - DAY
It's a beautiful winter morning in a tiny Swiss town, a
picturesque ski village packed with fashionably dressed
tourists.
INT.SKI LOUNGE - DAY
The BARTENDER works behind the bar, cleaning a copper pipe
from one of the ale dispensers. He stares through the pipe
to check it.
BARTENDER POV:
Through the rifling of the copper pipe, we see JACK TWIST
enter the lounge, dressed to the nines in a fabulous tuxedo.
In the background, the bar band's guitar plays an eerily
familiar spy movie melody.
BACK TO SCENE:
Raising eyebrows amongst the many attractive ski babes, Twist
strolls to the bar.
BARTENDER
What would you like?
Twist hesitates, realizing this is one of those defining
moments: ordering his trademark drink.
TWIST
Gimme a Black Hole.
BARTENDER
Never heard of it.
TWIST
Black coffee, everclear, and Kaluhua.
BARTENDER
Jesus, pick again.
TWIST
Beer.
Bartender nods - "Good choice" - and pours the beer.
EXT.LOUNGE - DAY
Twist comes out the kitchen service door to a catering van
parked nearby. The back door opens to reveal Garvin and
three other AGENTS in a van filled with surveillance
equipment.
TWIST
How do I look?
GARVIN
You fix up well.
AGENT ONE replaces Twist's tie clip with one containing a
microphone, and a receiver for a cufflink.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
In a few minutes, you are to meet your
contact in the lounge. Wait in the
kitchen for our signal.
Twist steps back, adjusting his tux.
TWIST
What's my motivation?
GARVIN
Don't get killed.
Garvin closes the van door, leaving Twist all on his own.
INT.KITCHEN - DAY
Twist stands in an empty corner of the kitchen, the chefs not
paying him much attention. Twist prepares himself, making
deep knee bends, rehearsing his dialogue aloud, standard
acting exercises.
INT.VAN - DAY
Transmissions from Twist's mike are monitored on headphones
by the agents, to their horrified disgust.
AGENT TWO
Jesus, Garvin, you really put this fruit
loop on the payroll?
Garvin is about ready to smack the next person who turfs on
his operational savvy.
GARVIN
Yeah, and he makes more than you do.
Garvin picks up a pair of headphones.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
(mostly to himself)
He'll pull it off.
RADIO
(Twist's voice)
Hey, I'm getting kind of hungry. Think
they got any yogurt or bran around here?
Agent Two, on the heavy side of two hundred pounds, takes a
bite out of his meatball sub.
AGENT TWO
Yogurt. What a fruit loop.
Garvin checks his watch, and adjusts the mike on his
headphones.
GARVIN
Alright, Jack, time to go.
INT.KITCHEN - DAY
Twist heads out of the kitchen, speaking into his cufflink.
INTERCUT CONVERSATION:
TWIST
So what's this guy's name?
GARVIN
The "guy" is Petrovich Manyala - "The
Digger".
TWIST
What? Like a grave digger? He
personally digs his victim's graves?
GARVIN
I don't know, that's just what's in his
file. Anyways, you need to ask him where
""it" is.
TWIST
Where "what" is?
GARVIN
We don't know what "it" is, or we'd find
""it" ourselves. We just know he knows
what "it" is and where. You've got to
get him to tell you.
TWIST
Oh, you guys are good. The KGB must have
just been FREAKIN out during the
seventies trying to keep up with you.
GARVIN
Just get Digger to talk.
INT.LOUNGE - DAY
Twist steps into the lounge's dining area to see a table in
the rear packed with LOUD, BRASH, BADGUYS. Twist clears his
throat and approaches.
Smoking, drinking, and finishing their steak, these puddings
in bad suits break a sweat when lifting their forks.
Noticing Twist, the table parts to reveal their boss.
Twist approaches to discover that THE DIGGER is one bigassed,
sweaty, world class nose picker.
TWIST
My name's Twist. Jack Twist. Mind if I
have a seat.
Digger's tone is heavy and nasal, breathing mainly through
his nose.
DIGGER
Let's go where we can talk in peace.
Twist gestures for Digger to lead the way. There is a range
of grunts and groans as the men try to leave under their own
power, each impaired with several pounds of the hotel's best
beef and seafood jamming their colons.
INT.SAUNA CHANGE ROOM - DAY
Digger gestures to the sauna door.
DIGGER
We can have privacy in here.
Digger's men strip, an ATTENDANT waiting to take their
clothes. Twist nervously shuffles his feet, equally
apprehensive about losing his bugged suit as he is about
seeing Digger naked.
Digger and Twist are down to just their towels. The
attendant tries to take Twist's tux, who isn't budging.
TWIST
I'll take it in with me. It needs to be
steamed out anyways.
Before an argument breaks out, Garvin rushes into room. He
is dressed as a waiter, carrying a serving tray with a single
martini and cocktail onion.
GARVIN
I'm terribly sorry I was late with your
drink, sir.
Garvin hands Twist the drink. Twist frowns at Garvin, looks
at the onion, and blanches.
TWIST
I'll pass.
Garvin, flustered at his resistance.
GARVIN
Sir, don't let my terrible service
interfere with your evening at Le
Chateau. I humbly beg your apologies and
offer you this drink on the house.
Garvin leans in, and whispers harshly.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
Take the drink.
Twist, whispering equally harsh and leaning in.
TWIST
I hate onions.
GARVIN
It's NOT an onion - and don't swallow it,
either.
Garvin looks at Twist meaningfully. Twist glances down at
the onion, then back at Garvin, a glint of understanding in
his eyes. Garvin nods. Twist takes the drink.
TWIST
Apology refused. Your service stinks,
but I'll accept the free drink.
Twist downs the drink and slams the glass on the tray of a
fuming Garvin, handing his tux to the attendant.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Get that pressed for me, will you? Chop
chop!
INT.SAUNA - DAY
Twist wipes sweat from his forehead, openmouthed so that the
onion/mike can pick up their conversation. Digger regards
Twist with little trust and no respect at all. It's
immediately apparent that Twist is way in over his head.
DIGGER
What is it that you want?
TWIST
(nodding)
Thas ight.
DIGGER
What?
Twist's words slur because of the onion mike, and the saliva
pooling due to his inability to swallow. Twist holds his
hand up to his mouth, coughing the mike into his hand.
TWIST
Excuse me. I was asking you about what I
wanted.
DIGGER
What about it?
Twist keeps his fist between him and Digger, hoping the mike
is picking this up.
TWIST
I want "it".
DIGGER
You want what?
TWIST
Oh, you know what I want.
Digger, frowning, a finger reaching up to dig into a nostril.
DIGGER
I haven't a clue.
Twist tries to stare Digger down, mist from the sauna
gathering.
Digger frowns, continuing to dig.
DIGGER (CONT'D)
Look, you arranged this meeting.
TWIST
That's right. I sure did.
INT.VAN - DAY
Garvin and the agents listen closely.
RADIO
(Twist)
Just cut the bull and tell me where "it"
is, buddy.
Garvin and crew wince and collectively suck moisture in from
between their teeth as they hear Twist blow this meeting.
RADIO (CONT'D)
(Digger)
Where WHAT is?
INT.SAUNA - DAY
Digger leans forward, growing angrier by the moment, his
great bulk spilling over his towel.
DIGGER
I'm telling you, I don't know what you're
talking about, and to my face, you accuse
me of lying!!
Twist, frustrated and surrounded.
TWIST
Look, either you tell me where "it" is,
or ...
DIGGER
Or WHAT?
Twist is sweating profusely, and it isn't just the sauna. He
decides he's had enough, and his voice changes and deepens.
TWIST
Well, I'll tell you what I'm not gonna
do. I'm not gonna take ...
INT.VAN - DAY
Garvin is mouthing Twist's words, knowing what's coming up.
RADIO
(Twist)
... any crap from a runty little ...
bloated, cheese cake eating, nose picking
RETARD!!
Garvin bolts from van, amongst frowns from the other agents.
INT.SAUNA - DAY
Twist points a finger right into Digger's blubbery chest, the
man's face turning beet red.
TWIST
Now, you tell me what I wanna know or I'm
gonna slap your fat ugly face till you
start crying. Yeah, that's right. Me
and all your buddies are gonna laugh
about it - yeah - with your MOMMA - while
we're all in BED!!
INT.SAUNA CHANGE ROOM - DAY
Garvin gets to the room just in time to have THE DOOR EXPLODE
OPEN, knocking him flying. Twist comes sailing out of the
sauna right behind, slamming into the floor.
Out of the sauna charges one furious, red-faced Digger and
his henchmen, all ready to kick Twist's ass bigtime.
DIGGER
Nobody says that about my mother. You're
a dead man.
Digger steps on the onion, which has fallen to the floor.
INT.VAN - DAY
The feedback from the destroyed bug kicks the hell out of
each of the agents listening in, and they all throw off their
headphones.
AGENT TWO
Alert the others. Battle stations!
INT.LODGE LOBBY - DAY
Twist races into the packed lobby, chased by a HAIRY CHESTED
HENCHMAN, both men still in towels. Twist jumps up onto a
couch to try and dodge the crowd.
Hairy grabs up a knife from the lobby's buffet table, and
blocks the exit, stabbing at Twist.
Hairy grins and presses his advantage. Twist is faced with
no choice, and pulls off his towel.
The shock of his sudden exposure buys him a crucial moment,
and Twist curls the towel up and snaps it at Hairy.
HAIRY
AAAHHHHHH!!!!
Hairy takes the shot right in the fleshy softness of his arm
and drops the knife.
Twist snaps again and puts a welt right across Hairy's nipple
ring, sounding out a delisciously horrifying ping.
HAIRY (CONT'D)
AAHH, sonofabitch!! You're a dead man!
Hairy rips off his towel, irregardless of his less than
statuesque figure, and twirls it up.
Hairy and Twist snap at each other, unable to get hits while
staying out of range. Hairy closes in and takes his shot.
Twist snatches the end of the towel, and winds up his own to
attack Hairy's most vulnerable spot.
HAIRY (CONT'D)
Shit - No!!
Hairy whirls around to protect himself. Twist grins and
cracks him in the ass so hard, he breaks the skin.
HAIRY (CONT'D)
EYARGHHH!!!!
Digger and the rest of his crew burst into the lounge, and
Twist is outnumbered again. Twist clutches his towel in
front of his waist line and bows to the awestruck patrons.
TWIST
That's it for the show, but I'll be here
all week.
EXT.SKI LODGE - DAY
Twist charges out the front door, nearly knocking down a
SKIER trying to enter after having removed his snowsuit.
TWIST
Hey, buddy. I'll give you a hundred
bucks for your snowsuit.
SKIER
Bite me.
Twist snaps a quick look behind him, and ducks. A HENCHMAN
has just reached them. He swings, misses Twist, and decks
the Skier, knocking him to the ground.
Twist back kicks the Henchman, crashing him back through the
door.
TWIST
How about you two bite each other?
Twist grabs the snowsuit and tries to step into it while
running.
Another HENCHMAN reaches Twist, still trying to get dressed.
Henchman is about to swing at him, when Twist points across
the road to a Volkswagon driving by.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Yellow punch buggie, no return.
Twist decks Henchman unconscious, waving to the Volkswagon
and it's Elke Sommerish SKI BUNNY DRIVER. She waves and
blows a kiss, and Twist scrambles to put on his snowsuit.
INT.SKI LODGE LOUNGE - DAY
Garvin and crew have arrested Digger.
DIGGER
What's the charge?
GARVIN
Assaulting an officer of our country's
security forces.
DIGGER
(laughing heartily)
That pipsqueek? KGB would have it pretty
good these days.
GARVIN
Enjoy the local penitentiary cuisine for
me, okay?
(to men)
Take this idiot away.
Digger goes willingly, not taken aback at all.
DIGGER
I'll be out in two days, Garvin.
GARVIN
Fifty bucks says I can find a cellmate
for you who will get me my two day's
worth.
Digger's face drops as they lead him away. Garvin stands at
the lodge door.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
Where the hell is Twist?
EXT.TOWN - DAY
Twist is snowmobiling like hell through the town, followed by
Digger's henchmen in a car, dressed in makeshift clothes and
blankets. A couple have retrieved their handguns, shooting
and missing the erratically driving Twist.
One BADGUY has stolen some skiis and cuts in front.
TWIST
Whoaaa!!
Badguy tries to stab Twist with a ski pole, but misses and
the end jams into the skidoo's back hand hold.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Tough break, pal. Hang on!
Twist drags the helpless skier downtown, approaching a parked
skidoo trailer with it's ramp dropped to the ground.
Twist runs beside it, sending Badguy up the ramp and
AIRBORNE!
Badguy flies through the air, exploding into a huge figurine
of Santa Claus hanging from a streetlight as part of the
town's Xmas decorations, and is stuck hanging there.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Ho ho ho, mother fuh ...
The other henchmen close in, shots ringing off the
snowmobile's dash.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Cut - cut!! You guys are stepping on my
punchline!!
With little regard to Twist's welfare or his big closeup, the
henchmen continue firing.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Geez, kid some guys about their mom, and
they're all over you.
EXT.BRIDGE - DAY
Twist races across a small bridge, gunfire spraying
everywhere. He swerves abruptly, the snowmobile launching
off one side of the bridge, and him the other.
Twist falls, landing right in a big horse-drawn cart of hay.
He gets up to see an enormous, freckle faced, double pony
tail FARM GIRL driving the cart. Twist grins sheepishly.
TWIST
Uh, hi. The only Swiss I know is from an
old Woody Allen movie.
(subtitle)
Please pinch my nipples and call me
daddy?
Farmgirl breaks into a big gap toothed grin, as she ties the
horses reins to a stanchion, and climbs into the back. The
cart rides off, as in the background, the henchmen vainly
search the top of the bridge for Twist.
TWIST (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Hey, let go, let go ... okay, okay, just
not so hard.
INT.GARVIN'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Twist paces the room.
TWIST
Digger was a test?
GARVIN
A test.
TWIST
And this guy wasn't some big bad ass
threat to national security?
Garvin sits at his desk, working at a computer terminal.
GARVIN
Trust me. Three hundred pound morons
suffering from self inflicted nosebleeds,
we can handle on our own just fine.
Twist, thinking.
TWIST
So what was "it"?
Garvin carries on the conversation distractedly, calling up
information on the terminal, his fingers expertly tapping at
the keyboard.
GARVIN
"It"? I don't know. Distance from here
to the moon, Batman's secret identity,
how you get the Caramilk into the
Caramilk bar, who cares? "It" was a test
to see how you would react to an
impossible situation with little or no
preparation.
TWIST
So, how'd I do?
Garvin stops typing, and looks up at Twist.
GARVIN
You incurred significant property damage,
got your picture on all leading wire
services, endangered a valuable source of
street intel, and forgot your suit at the
hotel with all of your ID in it.
Twist winces. Oops. Garvin continues working at the
terminal, his features lit from the computer screen and the
data flashing across it.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
If you were in intel, you'd be at a desk
in the janitor's closet, now. But for
this specific op, you were a smashing
success. People are starting to ask 'Who
the hell is that guy?'.
TWIST
Yeah, but you lied to me.
Garvin rolls his eyes, turning on a nearby printer.
GARVIN
Hello. We're spies.
TWIST
On the same side! Lying is low down,
immoral, and socially irresponsible.
Garvin grabs a document that he's just finished printing from
the computer, reading.
GARVIN
No wonder you're stuck doing straight to
video. Look, just wait till you're on
the other side of the joke, it's much
funnier then.
Twist fumes for a bit, but wants to play this game.
TWIST
Alright, who's the guy we've got to get.
INT.OFFICE - NIGHT
PULL BACK FROM:
An elderly, bearded, SCHOLARLY LOOKING GENTLEMAN sits at a
desk, reading from a notepad.
ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
Alistair Hahn is a terrorist operating on
a global scale. Environmental disasters,
corporate sabotage, political
assassinations, all available for a
price. University educated, he is a
frustrated artist with intelligence,
persistence, very meticulous, and has a
complete disconnection from any social
emotion or responsibility or sentiment.
His father was the famous, insane, gifted
painter Salvador Hahn. This has provided
Alistair with a tremendous inheritance,
bad genes, and a terrible unattainable
role model to live up to. He can never
escape the shadow of his father, so he
tries to eclipse it.
As we pull away from the elderly gentleman speaking, we
discover that he isn't briefing Twist and Garvin, but rather,
he is a THERAPIST reading aloud from his session notes.
Lying on a nearby couch is Alistair Hahn.
ALISTAIR
I've been considering the consequences of
my actions and I have to say, I am
starting to think that my therapy is
going nowhere. Is it possible that I'm
.... a bad person?
THERAPIST
Do you feel like there has been
absolutely no hint of improvement?
ALISTAIR
Well ...
THERAPIST
Yes?
ALISTAIR
When we shot down that airliner over the
Mediterranean, some of the passengers had
been able to swim away from the wreck.
My men requested permission to shoot them
in the water. I said that they be
allowed to try and swim to shore.
THERAPIST
Well, there you go.
Alistair shrugs in agreement. His cell phone rings.
ALISTAIR
Excuse me.
(answers phone)
Yes? It's on CNN already? Impressive.
I'm on my way back right now.
Alistair stands and retrieves his coat.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
I have to get back to the office.
THERAPIST
You still have fifteen minutes left.
Alistair stops to consider this. His eyes are lit up in
thought, and a terrible circus plays behind them.
ALISTAIR
I'll have to put my sanity on hold, then.
Evening, Doctor.
INT.COMMAND CENTER - NIGHT
Garvin leads Twist into the agency's command center, a room
packed with an impressive array of wall to wall video
screens, and dozens of super computers gathering and
analyzing information from all over the world.
Garvin walks past them all to a portable TV set sitting on a
nearby table beside a microwave and a Mr. Coffee. Garvin
turns the TV on to CNN.
TWIST
What's the matter?
GARVIN
An oil tanker has just sunk off the west
coast of India, spewing millions of
gallons of oil into the ocean.
TV SCREEN
A CNN reporter stands on the deck of a US Navy destroyer, the
sinking oil tanker far in the background.
BACK TO SCENE:
Garvin reads aloud from a TOP SECRET EYES ONLY FILE,
gesturing for Twist to pay close attention. Garvin's
conspiratorial hush suggests that this is terribly
confidential information.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
This is no accident. This incident is
considered by the agency to be a
deliberate terrorist act. It is linked
to several other such "accidents",
previously believed to be ...
The reporter's voice on the TV is matching Garvin's, word for
word.
REPORTER
... acts of God. It is also believed by
our country's intelligence organizations
that one man may be responsible ...
Garvin turns to the television, frowning and continuing to
repeat the same information as the reporter.
GARVIN
... for many of these acts, including the
sunken tanker ... SON OF A BITCH!
Twist frowns.
TWIST
What's the problem?
GARVIN
CNN got ahold of our classified material
and is broadcasting it all over the
goddamn world!
Garvin crushes the file and furiously chucks it into the
garbage, stomping for the door.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
Come on - We're going to India.
Twist chuckles at Garvin's pissy mood over the security leak,
and follows.
TWIST
Is this the funny part?
EXT.INDIAN OCEAN - DAY
A gorgeous Gulfstream business class jet airliner cuts across
the sky, the Mercedes of aircraft.
TWIST (V.O.)
When we get to the crash site, we'll
investigate the wreckage for signs of
sabotage. Under no circumstances are you
to talk to any reporters. My cover will
be that of a marine biologist, you are my
lowly assistant. Understand?
INT.PLANE - DAY
Twist is reading from a set of instructions, his lips moving.
Beside him, Garvin rests with a pair of eye shades on to try
and get some sleep.
TWIST
What do you mean I'm the lowly assistant?
GARVIN
You don't look the role of an educated
man of science.
Garvin tweaks his moustache, and with the eye shades on, he
reminds us just a little of that great old hero, Zorro.
Twist, a true closeup hog, chafes at the idea of being
relegated to the role of sidekick.
TWIST
I'm an actor. I can be anything.
GARVIN
Be quiet, then.
Twist stews at that, fidgeting in his seat. He stares out
the window at the blanket of clouds below. He taps his
fingers on his knees, and chews his bottom lip.
TWIST
But why do I ...
GARVIN
Didn't think so.
EXT.INDIAN COAST - DAY
Garvin and Twist make their way through a snarl of news vans,
police cars, and HAZMAT trucks. Off on the horizon, the
still buoyant tanker is painting miles of ocean with
petroleum.
GARVIN
Get down to the beach and see if any
wreckage has washed ashore yet.
Remember, not a word to anyone.
TWIST
Yes, Professor.
Twist trudges down to the oil soaked coastline, with a marked
lack of enthusiasm.
EXT.NEWSVAN - DAY
WOLF BLITZER from CNN records his report.
WOLF BLITZER
The timing of this incident couldn't have
been any more tragic. This is the height
of the fishing season for the entire
area, and early estimates are that it'll
be wiped out completely. Between this
and the fire that ravaged Bhopal
Consolidated's pesticide factory two
months ago, India's agricultural industry
has been dealt a terrible blow. The
consequences of which, are going to be
far reaching for years to come. This is
Wolf Blitzer for CNN.
Garvin listens, the gravity of this situation etched into the
hardness of his eyes. Wolf makes Garvin for a fellow
reporter, and comes over.
WOLF
And you thought the fish here was already
a little greasy.
Garvin spares a chuckle, moreso over the sight of Twist
slipping on the oil covered rocks at the water's edge.
WOLF (CONT'D)
Who's the retard? Must think he's Dan
Rather or something, and has to report
from the middle of the damn ocean.
Garvin confides in a gruff East Indian accent that suggests
law enforcement.
GARVIN
He's no reporter. His press pass is
stolen and I've got to arrest him now.
That is, if he doesn't kill himself on
those rocks.
Wolf frowns, taking this in.
WOLF
Stolen press pass?
Garvin shrugs, waiting with his arms folded.
GARVIN
Takes all kinds.
Wolf snaps at his CAMERAMAN to grab his gear, and heads down
after Twist. Garvin smiles, and another nearby REPORTER
steps over.
REPORTER
What's that all about?
EXT.BEACH - DAY
Twist is being crushed by reporters and cameras.
TWIST
I'm a marine biologist! I'm trying to
study ... the fish!!
REPORTERS
Why are you lying about being a reporter?
Why are you really here for?
Who do you work for?
Are you from the American government?
Who's responsible for this?
Twist is besieged and looses his cool.
TWIST
Hey - Hey - HEY!!
The reporters quieten, waiting for a statement. Twist plays
to the cameras like a natural hero.
TWIST (CONT'D)
I can't reveal who I work for. It's
classified. But the perpetrators who ...
perpetrated this dastardly crime only
need to know one thing.
Twist fixes one of the cameras with his best Clint Eastwood
glare, and points a finger.
TWIST (CONT'D)
You will pay.
The reporters are all stunned, and Twist passes right through
them. A gorgeous young female CORRESPONDANT watches Twist
leave, with rapture.
CORRESPONDANT
I can't believe that nutbag actually said
that on the air.
INT.RENTAL CAR - DAY
Garvin drives while Twist tries to wipe oil from his ruined
loafers.
TWIST
I'm sorry, Garvin. Those guys figured
out I was a spy inside of two minutes,
and I didn't find any goddamn wreckage.
Guess this whole thing's a bust?
Garvin smiles, pleasantly surprised that it actually worked
out.
GARVIN
Not at all. As soon as Hahn sees you on
his trail, he'll know we know. Then,
he'll pack up and run. Our plan is
clicking along rather nicely.
INT.OFFICE - DAY
Alistair watches Twist on television from his office, seated
at a very expensive and futuristic looking glass desk.
ALISTAIR
Kill him.
A WOMAN stands beside Alistair at his desk. She has an
exotic appearance, expensively dressed, and bears more than a
passing resemblance to Alistair, for this is his sister,
ALEXIS HAHN. Her voice and eyes convey a strong intelligence
and definite command.
ALEXIS
No.
ALISTAIR
We know the Americans are terrified of
what I'll do next, and they're obviously
sending an assassin after me.
Standing behind Alistair is his ever present and watchful
bodyguard, OGNOM. Ognom is eight foot tall, powerfully
built, horrific hair, and numerous jagged teeth. But he is
pleasant, demure, and an utter killer.
ALEXIS
And he's on national television,
advertising the fact. Either he is very
dangerous or very stupid.
ALISTAIR
Either of which could threaten my
mission. I'll take care of this man now,
and get it over with.
ALEXIS
We can't be distracted by this. I'll
arrange for some outside help.
ALISTAIR
I already said I'd handle it.
Alexis stares him down, leaving some doubt as to who's really
in charge here. Lister sits nearby, watching this exchange
with frustration. Ognom eyes him warily.
ALEXIS
And I said someone else should do it.
Alistair fumes, faced with the one person in the world who
isn't intimidated by him. Alexis tries to sooth his ego.
ALEXIS (CONT'D)
You're the boss, and bosses delegate,
hmmm? You've got much more important
things to take care of.
Alistair ignores her coddling, and channel surfs, watching
the newscasts of the accident from all the different world
networks.
ALISTAIR
Preliminary reports indicate that we got
an eighteen percent share of the evening
news ratings.
Alexis rocks her palm in the air, indicating that isn't
altogether good or bad.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
We scored spots on The Learning Channel
and A&E about natural disasters, and
there'll be a Time article on global
terrorism.
ALEXIS
(hopeful)
Cover story?
Alistair only wishes.
ALISTAIR
No, page thirty seven, Foreign Affairs.
You know, we didn't promote this one
enough. You can't wipe out a whole
country's source of food, and then tell
people how important it is. You have to
make them care about something first.
And THEN obliterate it.
Alexis shrugs, not crying over spilt milk.
ALEXIS
It was a means to an end.
Alexis sets a box down on the desk and opens it to reveal a
beautiful white fox stole.
ALEXIS (CONT'D)
Look what I got for Mother's day. Isn't
it gorgeous?
ALISTAIR
Thank you very much. Trying to make me
feel bad for not getting her something?
ALEXIS
Don't be ridiculous. I got this for her
from both of us.
Alexis lays her hand over Alistair's with just a touch too
much familiarity for our comfort. She waits to hear his
final judgement, and Alistair relents under her scrutiny.
ALISTAIR
Very well. I'll get someone else to do
it.
(picks up phone and dials)
Schroeder, call Daniel. I have some work
for him.
Alexis smiles and quietly accepts her victory. Lister steps
up to the desk, Ognom watching his every move.
LISTER
How can you be so complacent? Even damn
CNN knows what we're doing.
ALISTAIR
We'll be fine, just as long as my
employees don't start becoming
incontinent.
Lister glares and struts out of the office, the tiniest of
smiles gracing Ognom's impassive face.
TELEVISION IMAGES AND SOUNDS:
People in New Delhi despair over this latest terrible
incident and their indempending food shortage.
BACK TO SCENE:
Alistair and Alexis glance at the television newscast with
impassive interest.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
He's right. CNN beat their own country's
intelligence services to the area barely
after we even got away. We have a leak.
ALEXIS
Yes, we do. Me.
Alistair spins in his chair, surprised.
ALEXIS (CONT'D)
I leak information to the press about all
of your operations after they're
completed. I'm surprised you haven't
guessed by now.
ALISTAIR
I don't believe you.
ALEXIS
You are a man of great accomplishments.
An artist of history. With a little
prompting, the media is creating a
""mysterious villain" responsible for
everything you've done. When the time
comes, you go public and you'll become
immortal. No more Daddy.
ALISTAIR
What "mysterious villain" is this?
ALEXIS
Who usually get's blamed for all these
natural disasters?
Alexis waves at the TV's images of hysteric crowds waving
signs of apocalyptic prophecy:
THE END IS NEAR, REPENT, REPENT!!
BACK TO SCENE:
ALISTAIR
This is not going to help my therapy at
all.
INT.OFFICE - DAY
Agency Director William C. Hanford sits at his desk while
Garvin briefs him. Hanford is a dour faced man more
concerned with opening and arranging boxes of new office
supplies than listening to Garvin.
GARVIN
It's now only a matter of time before
Alistair makes a move.
HANFORD
Just as long as you're clear that your
operation is surveillance only. Approval
for your plan came from the previous
administration, and in my opinion, is
reflective of why they aren't here
anymore.
Garvin maintains his composure at Hanford's condescending
manner with ease, not about to give him the satisfaction.
HANFORD (CONT'D)
Apprehension of the target is assigned to
Commander Molody. You support them,
understand?
GARVIN
Absolutely.
Hanford fusses with the order of his framed family pictures
on the desk, all equally unpleasant looking people.
HANFORD
This ... Twist person. He still doesn't
seem to have a clue about what he's
doing. I won't risk this agency's
reputation with any failures.
GARVIN
I stand by my prodigy. He's an actor.
The essence of his work is to carry on a
charade.
Hanford looks up, fixing Garvin with a firm glare, revealing
a shrewdness beneath his seemingly distracted manner. It's a
ploy that has gotten Hanford to where he is.
HANFORD
He'll have to be able to lie as if his
life depends on it, because it will.
Garvin has a composure far beyond anything that Hanford can
rattle, and shows no intimidation by his new boss.
GARVIN
We know we can show him how to lie so
well, he'll have forgotten what the truth
was in the first place. The essence of
our work, eh?
Hanford grimaces, and returns to arranging his new desk.
EXT.TRUMP TOWERS - NEW YORK - DAY
The skyscraper is a glistening testament to the disgusting,
filthy, and despicably wonderful wealthy. An entire floor
has been rented out to a most auspicious client.
INT.OFFICE - DAY
Lister waits outside the office with a man named SCHROEDER,
Alistair's secretary. Schroeder is bespectacled, and
weaselly intelligent.
LISTER
I can't believe some outsider is
protecting us while we follow Alistair
around, carrying his luggage.
SCHROEDER
We need to collect the payment from
Pakistan for the factory and the tanker
jobs. That's much more important than
killing some third rate intelligence
officer who can't stay off the evening
news.
Lister is still fuming, but relents.
LISTER
So how much is it?
Schroeder smirks and says nothing. Lister steps closer,
trying to use his bulk and dominating manner to intimidate
the diminutive Schroeder.
LISTER (CONT'D)
You can tell me, Schroeder. How much are
we making? Is it a lot of money?
Schroeder has a ill concealed crush on Lister, who knows it
and has no responding interest.
SCHROEDER
No money.
LISTER
No money?
Schroeder leans in closer to whisper into Lister's ear,
inhaling his cologne.
SCHROEDER
We're getting a bomb.
Lister pulls back, frowning.
LISTER
A bomb?
SCHROEDER
A-Bomb.
Lister's eyes widen.
LISTER
Shit!
(thinks)
We're going to sell it for lots of money,
right?
SCHROEDER
No, we're not selling it.
Schroeder's manner is casual, as if discussing the boss's new
Porsche.
SCHROEDER (CONT'D)
Everyone's got a nuke these days, it's no
big deal. It's what you do with them,
that's the thing.
Lister nods, not really getting it. He tries to peer into
the office.
LISTER
That's really Daniel in there?
Schroeder nods.
SCHROEDER
He's a legend. They say he was eight
years old and standing in Dealy Plaza
when he got hit with a piece of Kennedy's
bloody skull. They say he keeps it in a
jar.
Lister turns his lip up at that.
LISTER
Freakshow.
The telephone intercom buzzes.
VOICE
(Alistair)
Schroeder, Lister. You may come in, now.
INT.OFFICE - DAY
ALISTAIR
Gentlemen, this is Daniel. He'll be
taking care of our problem while we're
out of town.
DANIEL KALISVAARDT is an autistic/savant, who is incapable of
performing any other kind of job, except killing people. He
has a soft, boyish face, and rocks back and forth on the
balls of his feet to the tune of some music that only he can
hear.
LISTER
Hello. I've heard a lot about you.
Lister goes to shake hands. Daniel wipes a trail of spit
from the side of his mouth, and then shakes. Lister's face
sours, and he wipes his hand on his pants.
ALISTAIR
Gentlemen, it's time to go.
LISTER
Boss, you've got to be kidding. You
can't hire this guy.
Alistair stops, not liking his judgement questioned in any
form.
ALISTAIR
Daniel's reputation in the business is
unquestionable. He's the best money can
buy.
Daniel bobs back and forth, picking his nose.
DANIEL
If oranges are called oranges, why aren't
apple's called reds? Why aren't banana's
called yellows? Why do they call a pear
a pear, when there's only one of them?
That would be half a pair.
LISTER
Listen to him - The guy's friggin
Rainman. He doesn't look like he'd be
able to ...
Daniel's hand lashes out and grabs Lister by the throat.
Lister struggles unsuccessfully to break Daniel's grip.
Daniel clenches his fist, crushing the other man's windpipe.
Lister collapses to the floor, gasping futilely for air, and
dies. Daniel bobs back and forth, seemingly unaware of what
he's just done.
DANIEL
Of course, I'm an excellent driver.
Alistair regards his dead henchman, then Daniel, weighing his
decision.
ALISTAIR
I'm going to deduct this off your fee, of
course.
Alistair hands Daniel a dossier of information with Twist's
picture.
DANIEL
Yeah, yeah, deduct it off my fee. Yeah.
INT.BASEMENT - NIGHT
Daniel sits rocking back and forth at a workbench with tools
retentively organized. On the walls are weapons of both
ancient and modern heritage. In the corner of the bench is a
glass jar with a notorious piece of bone floating in
formaldehyde.
Daniel runs a metal engraver over a wicked looking dagger
held in a vise. On the table is the dossier on Twist, all
the information faked and released by the Agency.
ANGLE ON KNIFE:
Being engraved into the hilt of the knife is the word TWIST.
DANIEL
They buried me in sand. Worms live in
sand. Worms tickle. I laughed. I
thought I'd die. I did die. They buried
me in sand. Worms live in sand. Worms
tickle. I laughed. I thought I'd die.
I did die. They buried me in sand.
Worms live in sand. Worms tickle. I
laughed. I thought I'd die. I did die.
INT.AGENCY OFFICE - DAY
A SECRETARY works at a desk. The phone rings.
SECRETARY
Good morning, Scarlett Tuna Fisheries,
how may I help you?
PHONE
(Daniel's voice)
Yes, I'd like to speak to a Jack Twist,
please?
SECRETARY
I'm sorry, there's noone here by that
name.
PHONE
Yes, there is. You're taping this
conversation, so you can play this back
to your heart's content. I'm a former
employee of Alistair Hahn, and I wish to
discuss his whereabouts with Mr. Twist.
EXT.WAREHOUSE - INDUSTRIAL DISTRICT - NIGHT
Twist's Thunderbird glides through the quiet, dark streets, a
non-descript van following discretely behind.
PHONE (V.O.)
He can meet me at the warehouse on
Dauphine and 102nd, alone. Anybody else
shows, and I'm gone.
INT.VAN - NIGHT
Garvin drives, wearing a headset radio and infra-red goggles.
TWIST (V.O.)
(on radio)
I'll get out here.
Garvin stops the van, watching Twist park and exit his car.
GARVIN
(on radio)
Jack, we're monitoring all radio and
cellular traffic in the area. If it's an
ambush, we'll know.
EXT.WAREHOUSE - DAY
Twist walks up to the warehouse, and spots A SHADOWY FIGURE
approaching. Twist confronts the tail.
TWIST
Where is Alistair?
PAPARAZZI
Just hold it right there.
Paparazzi goes for something in his coat pocket. Twist's
eyes widen, and he reaches into his coat.
At the same time, both men pull out their hands, in Twist's a
gun, in Paparazzi's, a camera. Paparazzi snaps several
pictures before Twist can yank the camera out of his hands.
TWIST
What the hell are you doing?
PAPARAZZI
Hey, buddy, hands off. You're Telly
Kovalochuck. I work for PEOPLE magazine
and I'm doing a story on your
disappearance.
TWIST
My name's Twist and I work for the
government. This is a violation of ...
PAPARAZZI
Bullshit, Telly. I spoke with your
landlord, and you haven't been seen in
months. After I saw you on CNN, I've
been tailing you, trying to get an
exclusive.
Twist looks past Paparazzi to see a tailing midnight black
Lexus with it's headlights off, barely visible.
TWIST
Get away from me, we're going to die!
Twist races to get back into his car. Parapazzi has half as
far to get to the passenger door, and gets in as well.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
TWIST
Get the hell out of my car! This is a
matter of national security.
PAPARAZZI
What? You're a B-grade actor, and this
story could make you famous. What
happened - drugs, prostitution, you're
mixed up with the mob? Just give me the
exclusive.
They both look out the rear window to see the Lexus turn it's
lights on highbeam and race towards them.
TWIST
Oh shit, put your seatbelt on.
Paparazzi instead brings up his camera to shoot the Lexus.
Twist floors the Thunderbird. The instant acceleration of
the souped up car's powerplant sends Paparazzi flying into
the back seat.
EXT.ROAD - NIGHT
The Thunderbird shoots down the road, winding up it's speed
fiercely. The Lexus is game, right behind it.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
PAPARAZZI
Jesus, you trying to kill me or what?
TWIST
You can get out anytime you like.
EXT.ROAD - NIGHT
A second identical Lexus turns onto the road, nearly hitting
Twist's Thunderbird, then the following Lexus. Now both are
right on his tail.
SHOOTERS from both Lexus's open their windows and lean out
with matching Heckler and Koch MP-5 machine guns, opening
fire at the skidding Thunderbird. Despite that it's
nighttime, both Drivers and Shooters are dutifully wearing
sunglasses and Gucci suits.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
A row of shots lace across the bullet proof rear window,
right in front of Paparazzi's astonished face.
PAPARAZZI
Oh Christ, now THEY'RE trying to kill me
too!
EXT.DOWNTOWN - NIGHT
The Thunderbird turns off the road to discover itself heading
into the downtown core, packed with potential innocent
casualties.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
TWIST
Damn, we've got to lead these guys out of
here or someone's going to get hurt.
PAPARAZZI
Yeah, like me!
EXT.DOWNTOWN - NIGHT
The Thunderbird shoots through an intersection, then skids to
a halt, spinning around. The T-bird then accelerates, it's
tires clouding up with burnt rubber as the car rockets back
the way it came.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
The two Lexus's fill the front windshield, a barrage of
machine gun fire lacing across the armoured hood and bullet
proof glass.
PAPARAZZI
Either these guys are terrorists or rap
stars.
EXT.DOWNTOWN - NIGHT
The Lexus's shoot right past, stopping and skidding as they
try to double back. They are now joined by a just arrived,
identically midnight black Caravan. The Thunderbird races
out of the downtown core.
EXT.ROAD - NIGHT
Garvin's van is still slogging along, lacking the horsepower
of the other cars.
INT.VAN - NIGHT
Garvin works the wheel and the radio frantically.
GARVIN
I repeat, we request backup. We've made
contact, and they are hostile. Oh shit!!
Garvin has to swerve to miss hitting Twist's Thunderbird as
it blows right past him. He looks out his window to now see
the approaching Lexus's and Caravan.
EXT.ROAD - NIGHT
First Lexus One, then Lexus Two narrowly miss Garvin's van,
shooting at him.
INT.VAN - NIGHT
Garvin ducks his head back up, pissed off at being shot at.
GARVIN
Pricks.
Garvin sees the Caravan approach, and instead of dodging, he
aims right for it. Garvin holds an arm up to his eyes,
already wincing at how much this is going to hurt.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
EXT.ROAD - NIGHT
The Caravan tries to swerve, allowing Garvin's van to hit it
broadside. The two trucks collide with a terrible impact,
bouncing back off of each other and spinning, broken glass
flying everywhere.
Moments after Garvin's van skids to a stop, he climbs out.
The CARAVAN DRIVER also exits his vehicle, brandishing a
sidearm.
CARAVANNER
Hey, idiot, learn to frigging drive, why
don't you?
Before he can do anything more, Garvin nails him with a
Taser, shocking him into paralysis. He taps a hand to his
headset phone's receiver.
GARVIN
(to Caravanner)
Anything you say.
(on phone)
Command, we have one enemy vehicle down,
they just have the two black Lexus's
left.
EXT.ROAD - NIGHT
The two Lexus's are now joined by, of course, an identically
midnight black BMW Cafe Racer motorcycle. The CYCLIST is
head to toe in menacing looking leather riding gear, equally
equipped with H&K automatic weaponry.
Behind him follows a midnight black Volkswagon with Daniel
Kalisvaardt visible at the wheel.
We see Daniel hold up a radio and issue commands.
Immediately following, the Volkswagon and Lexus Two turn
left, while Lexus One and the Cycle continue to chase Twist.
EXT.PARKING LOT ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Decidedly inconveniently approaching the parking lot entrance
on it's way to a nearby gas station, is an eighteen wheeler
with a shiny metal tanker trailer, loaded with high octane
gasoline.
INT.TRUCK CAB - NIGHT
TRUCKER is a burly man with a John Deere baseball cap,
puffing on a cigar, singing along to a tape of the Irish
Rovers.
TRUCKER
Well, there were green alligators and
long necked geese, some humpty back
camels and some chimpanzees.
EXT.PARKING LOT ENTRANCE - NIGHT
The Thunderbird pulls alongside the parking lot when the
tanker truck rumbles into it's path.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
Twist waves at the tanker futilely.
TWIST
Get the hell out of the way!
EXT.PARKING LOT ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Both the tanker and the Thunderbird swerve into the opposing
lane to dodge each other. Then they both swerve back. Then
back again.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
TWIST
Jesus, quit moving around, and let me
pass!!
PAPARAZZI
Don't argue with the guy, he's driving a
goddamn TRUCK! Telly, you suck at this,
let me drive.
Paparazzi leans forward and tries to turn the steering wheel.
Twist puts his elbow into Paparrazzi's nose, and spins the
wheel hard.
TWIST
My name is Twist.
The Thunderbird turns violently into the parking lot, just
skimming off the front bumper of the semi.
INT.TRUCK CAB - NIGHT
Trucker panics, spinning his steering wheel, losing control,
his cigar switching to the other side of his grimace.
TRUCKER
Whoa baby, easy. Easy.
EXT.PARKING LOT ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Lexus One and Cycle are in the way now, racing to dodge the
swerving truck and follow Twist into the parking lot. They
both make the turn successfully, in the process completely
screwing up any hope Trucker had of keeping his vehicle under
control.
INT.TRUCK CAB - NIGHT
TRUCKER
GODDAMN TOURIST DRIVERS!!!
EXT.PARKING LOT ENTRANCE - NIGHT
The tanker truck is off balance, and over turns. The huge
metal trailer skids along the road, striking a power pole and
bursting open, sending thousands of gallons of gasoline
pouring into the parking lot.
INT.TRUCK CAB - NIGHT
The Trucker hangs upside down, held in place by his seat
belt. He is alive, but unconscious. His cigar hangs
precariously stuck to his lip.
EXT.PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Gas sweeps across the parking lot in a huge wave, soaking
dozens of parked cars.
Twist's Thunderbird, Cycle, and Lexus One skid and hydroplane
on the asphalt as the gas overtakes their vehicles, sheets of
it showering into the air.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
Twist sees Daniel's Volkswagon and Lexus Two pull up to the
parking lot exit at the far end.
TWIST
Damn it!
INT.TRUCK CAB - NIGHT
Trucker slowly wakes and the cigar falls from his lip, drops
through the smashed windshield and lands on the gas puddled
cement. The embers from the cigar lights the gas.
TRUCKER
Oh shit.
EXT.PARKING LOT - NIGHT
An enormous wave of fire flashes out across the parking lot,
and as it reaches each of the gas soaked parked cars, it
EXPLODES THEM LIKE ORVILLE REDDENBACHER POPCORN!
INT.LEXUS ONE - NIGHT
Driver One's sunglasses fill with reflections of the
explosions in the rear window, then he floors the accelerator
to stay ahead of the approaching fire, Shooter One starting
to sweat.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
Twist and Paparazzi watch Daniel, Driver Two, and Shooter Two
armed to the teeth, waiting at the exit.
Both men whip around to the gas smeared rear window to make
out the pursuing Lexus One and Cycle. They then take note of
the gigantic wave of terrible fiery destruction following
everybody across the lot, increasing in volume with each car
devoured.
PAPARAZZI
If this was a James Bond movie, you'd
have ejection seats. We could punch out
of here, parachute down to a hotel
swimming pool full of bikini babes. I'd
make a wisecrack, you'd order a martini,
everything would be just peachy now.
Paparazzi grabs his camera and rolls down the window.
PAPARAZZI (CONT'D)
Instead, I get to shoot pictures of my
own obituary. Thanks a lot - Telly.
Twist grits his teeth, scared and madder than hell.
EXT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
Through the open window, Paparazzi shoots pictures of the
fire, then Lexus One.
CAMERA P.O.V.
We see freeze frame shots through the camera's view finder in
increasing closeups of the Lexus as Shooter One climbs out of
window and steadies the machine gun on the roof, aiming right
at us.
PAPARAZZI
(voice over)
We may not have to worry about the fire.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
BACK TO SCENE:
Paparrazzi ducks back into car.
PAPARAZZI
You might want to duck.
Shooter One tears into the Thunderbird, spiderwebs paint up
and down as the bulletproof glass is overwhelmed, sending
fragments showering into the car. Twist completely wigs out
now.
TWIST
I've about had enough of these losers.
(at pursuers)
If you guys are finished being crucial to
the plot, then you-are-OUT-OF-HERE!
EXT.PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Twist's Thunderbird pulls up against Lexus One and runs it
right into a parked car.
INT.LEXUS ONE - NIGHT
Shooter One sees the fire wall almost on them, and punches
Driver One to get going.
EXT.PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Cyclist blows past Twist and in his effort to keep shooting,
he loses control of his bike, skidding along the parking lot,
streaking fire, setting Cyclist ablaze.
The Thunderbird hits the burning motorcycle, the car goes up
onto two wheels, and catches fire as well.
EXT.PARKING LOT EXIT - NIGHT
Daniel, Driver Two, and Shooter Two shoulder their machine
guns, Twist's Thunderbird approaching them. Daniel pats the
knife engraved with Twist's name holstered across his chest.
DANIEL
(to knife)
Almost there. Almost there.
EXT.PARKING LOT ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Trucker jogs to a safe distance, brushing the smoking embers
from his clothes. He squints to try and see through the
hellish inferno that the parking lot has become.
TRUCKER
I hope those guys are okay in there.
INT.LEXUS ONE - NIGHT
Driver and Shooter One's faces are painted in horrifying
orange light as the fire reaches their car.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
Twist struggles to keep the car balanced on two wheels,
Paparazzi curled up on the floor.
TWIST
C'mon, I've seen this done all the time
....
EXT.PARKING LOT EXIT - NIGHT
Daniel cocks his machine gun about to shoot.
LEXUS ONE EXPLODES, showering them with flaming shrapnel.
DANIEL
Everybody down!!
Twist's car continues on two wheels, and is just able to pass
narrowly between the two car barricade, as Daniel and
henchmen crouch under cover.
The Thunderbird, flames streaking across it's body, rights
itself and slams down on all four wheels.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
Twist rolls down his window, and aims his machine gun at a
nearby fire hydrant.
EXT.PARKING LOT EXIT - NIGHT
The hydrant explodes in a fountain of water, and the
Thunderbird drives through it, extinguishing it's fires.
Furious, Daniel watches Twist escaping.
DANIEL
Shoot him! He's getting away.
Daniel, Driver Two, and Shooter Two suddenly spin to see the
wave of fire reach them and their cars, and they scream.
INT.THUNDERBIRD - NIGHT
Twist hits the brakes, the car screeching to a hault. He and
Paparazzi watch the huge resulting explosion blossoming in
the rear window. Both men's eyes widen, and they duck behind
their seats.
The rear window smashes, and Daniel's dagger is launched by
the explosion through the car, narrowly missing Twist,
stabbing into the dash. The knife shivers in the leather
dash, the name Twist visible on the hilt.
Twist looks at knife, then Paparazzi.
TWIST
I told you - my name is Twist.
Paparazzi looks like he's had more than enough, and faints.
Twist grins and pulls away.
INT.OFFICE - NIGHT
Pictures of the whole parking lot chase taken by Paparazzi,
cover Garvin's desk, including shots of Daniel.
TWIST
What happens to the photographer?
GARVIN
We've insisted that he accept a job
cataloging penguins at the South Pole.
TWIST
Good for him.
After two near death incidents, Twist isn't nervous anymore.
He's pissed.
TWIST (CONT'D)
That's twice I've almost been killed.
It's safe to say Alistair hasn't exactly
bolted as planned.
GARVIN
That was kind of the plan in the first
place.
Twist is thunderstruck. It's worse than he thought.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
We were hoping to get Alistair first.
Before he, uh, got you.
TWIST
What the hell were you guys thinking?
GARVIN
This is our job.
TWIST
I quit.
GARVIN
Alistair won't stop now until he knows
you're out of the way.
TELLY
The Agency will have to fake my death and
get me out of this jam.
GARVIN
That was the whole idea, but only AFTER
we're successful.
Twist shakes his head, trying to decide which curse words to
use first.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
Welcome to government service. We've
been waiting for Alistair to make
mistakes, and he hasn't. We need to
shake him up some more.
Twist thinks, examining Garvin. He approaches, a calm,
considering look to his features.
TWIST
Can I ask you something, Garvin.
GARVIN
What's that?
TWIST
Can you be trusted? At all?
Garvin stares at Twist. Everything in his face says he'd
love to smack Twist unconscious, but instead, he turns and
leaves the room.
INT.UNDERGROUND LAIR - DAY
A DOZEN NEWLY HIRED HENCHMEN have gathered in a high tech
conference room. Alistair and Schroeder fuss with a powerful
laptop computer hooked up to an enormous TV monitor.
To the side, GUNNER FREELING rests with one hand against the
wall, leaning over an increasingly bored Alexis. Though new
on the team, a fierce and arrogant looking Gunner is making
himself right at home.
GUNNER
And so after I killed President Hildago,
I escaped to Rio where I spent the night
with two young Playboy playmates there
for a photo shoot. A well done
assassination is the best aphrodisiac.
Gunner's sultry glare and husky voice leaves no doubt as to
his intentions towards Alexis.
ALEXIS
I can appreciate psychotic tendencies in
a man, call me kinky, but you're drooling
on my coat - Idiot.
Alistair sees this out of the corner of his eye, and
wordlessly gestures to Ognom. Ognom grabs Gunner by the
scruff, literally picking the surprised man up into the air
and dragging him off to the back of the room.
Alistair has easels full of storyboards and tables of models
of some unknown industrial complex to demonstrate his
operation. We see the insides, but not the location.
ALISTAIR
People, listen up. You're all being paid
very well for your participation and your
undivided attention. This is where we're
going.
Alistair walks them through the operation, using a pointer to
knock over figurines to indicate how the henchmen kill the
various people along the way.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
This is the position where we will place
the nuclear weapon. You may think that
it doesn't matter where it goes off, but
trust me, it does.
Alistair then loads a Jaz drive cassette into the laptop,
cueing Schroeder to turn off the lights.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
This is a computer graphics animation of
what the final result should look like
when we pull the trigger on this bomb.
At safe distance, of course.
The henchmen all stare at the screen, unseen, and their jaws
drop as lights fill the darkened room, playing over their
stunned faces, huge bassy explosions rattling the TV's
speakers.
Alistair smiles at the mix of wonder and near horror in their
expressions, as they watch their target get disintegrated by
a ten megaton fission nuclear device.
The lights go on. Gunner steps forward, Ognom quietly
keeping within arms reach behind him.
GUNNER
I don't get it.
ALISTAIR
You don't get what.
GUNNER
This. I don't get this.
He points to the unseen computer monitor.
GUNNER (CONT'D)
We're not holding it hostage, we're not
demanding anything. There's no money in
it.
ALISTAIR
Having trouble paying rent?
There is laughter from the others.
GUNNER
No motive. Money, respect, strength,
power? What's in it for us?
Alexis steps forward, her voice commanding.
ALEXIS
Credentials. After this, any man in this
room will be a celebrity in our ...
community. Your asking price will
skyrocket. You can retire millionaires
and nurse your anxieties in Switzerland,
or Tahiti, or wherever.
GUNNER
And you, Alistair Hahn?
Alistair eyes Gunner, not caring to be challenged, knowing
this one will have to be watched.
ALISTAIR
Why do you care?
GUNNER
This thing you want to eliminate, took a
great deal of time and money for them to
build. It will be missed.
Lots more laughter.
GUNNER (CONT'D)
Why blow it up?
Alistair's eyes light up with a malevolence few men have ever
witnessed before.
ALISTAIR
Because it's there.
INT.OFFICE - DAY
Garvin works at his desk, when Twist walks in. Garvin sets
his pen down on an ink blotter filled with reminders to send
Christmas cards to Jimmy Hoffa, L.H. Oswald, and Leonid
Brezhniv.
Twist takes in a deep breath, and makes his case.
TWIST
If my life depends on this operation
succeeding, then I don't want to be bait
anymore. I want to be a real spy.
Garvin shakes his head, having gone through this already.
GARVIN
That's the whole problem. You can't be a
spy, chasing and arresting people.
That's a cop's job. We collect
information in complete anonymity. In
this case, we'd be trying to arrest a
criminal before the actual crime's
committed.
TWIST
He tried to kill me! Twice!
GARVIN
Alistair Hahn hired a dead assassin to
try and kill a fictional character that
an unknown government Agency will never
admit to having invented in the first
place. We need something better.
Twist smiles, gesturing for Garvin to follow him.
TWIST
As it so happens, I have a plan.
Garvin can't wait to see this at all.
GARVIN
That's great, because I'm really starting
to regret mine.
INT.TWIST'S BROOMCLOSET OFFICE - DAY
Twist and Garvin crowd into Twist's makeshift office. A
large cork board dominates the tiny room. Twist gestures to
the diagram on the board, instantly recognizable as Syd
Field's screenplay paradigm, detailing a film screenplay's
different sections.
The board is packed with cocktail napkins and scribbled notes
in direct contrast to Alistair's high tech briefing.
TWIST
I've worked out our whole mission here.
This is what we've accomplished so far,
and this is what we need to do.
Using a marker, Twist indicates all the plot points covered
so far with the opening, the towel fight, and the car chase.
In the second half, the diagram is a little less detailed.
TWIST (CONT'D)
I'm still working out the details for the
ending, but this is mainly how it goes.
Garvin looks it over with extreme disbelief. He takes the
marker, and starts to stroke out the diagram.
GARVIN
That won't work. That's illegal. Give
me a break, that's been in done already
in two different Bond films.
Twist blushes at being caught, but is still hopeful.
TWIST
How about a Hercules?
GARVIN
WILD GEESE, CON AIR, and one of the
DIEHARDS.
TWIST
How about a Harrier jump jet?
GARVIN
Please. TRUE LIES.
TWIST
Shit. What's left?
Garvin points to the chart where Twist has written "in bed
with babe, say cute line". More embarrassment from Twist.
TWIST (CONT'D)
You know, we haven't had any women in
this thing.
GARVIN
You're busy enough.
Garvin pushes the board aside.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
Forget this bullshit and tell me what you
have in mind.
Twist scribbles "in bed with two babes" on the board, and
continues.
TWIST
You said the tracking guys traced a phone
call during the parking lot chase from
the assassin Daniel to a Schroeder
Hoffman.
GARVIN
Right.
TWIST
Intel lists Schroeder as a known
associate of Alistair Hahn.
GARVIN
Right again. So you were paying
attention at the debriefing.
TWIST
It happens. So my idea is this: What if
you go to Schroeder, pretending to be a
rogue agent? You could offer to pick up
Daniel's contract to kill me.
GARVIN
I'd love to.
Garvin reaches out for Twist with both hands.
TWIST
Stop kidding around, Garvin.
GARVIN
We can't fake your death with these guys.
They'd want proof.
TWIST
Well ... say that you've captured me and
that you can deliver me live and
everything I know.
GARVIN
Too convenient.
TWIST
(continuing, more enthusiasm)
Including all agency information on
Alistair, including photos and prints.
Alistair would be anonymous again.
That's got to be too good to pass up.
Garvin thinks about it.
GARVIN
Then what? Kill him?
TWIST
No, of course not. We're not killers.
(beat)
Are we?
GARVIN
Nope. That's the office down the hall.
Don't borrow their staplers, either.
TWIST
So we arrest Alistair for conspiracy and
attempted murder.
Garvin nods, seeing something of an idea here.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Even if he beats the rap, he'll be a
media star. His terrorist days will be
over and the guy'll spend the rest of his
days golfing with O.J. and Saddam
Hussein. Sounds like national security
triumphs again, to me.
GARVIN
You can't just switch direction in the
middle of an op like this. This isn't a
proper plan.
Twist points to the board, checking his watch.
TWIST
We're right in the middle, and this here
is a midpoint. I need to be more
proactive now. It's perfect.
GARVIN
Set a terrorist up with a bogus treason
charge? We get the wrong congressional
oversight committee, and WE'LL be the
ones in the striped leisure suits.
Besides, wouldn't that be lying?
TWIST
I'm supposed to get the hang of this
stuff, right?
INT.ELEGANT BALLROOM - NIGHT
Garvin is dressed in a tux, looking very dashing and even
vaguely spyish. He searches the crowd for Schroeder.
Surprisingly, Blake Molody pops up from behind, startling
Garvin.
GARVIN
What are you doing here?
Their recognition of each other is of a long time adversarial
relationship.
BLAKE
Hanford wanted a message delivered. Make
sure you look but don't touch.
GARVIN
Your eye still twitches when you're
scared. You should tape that down.
Blake flushes, visibly hating Garvin, who feels likewise.
BLAKE
You know, you two are the biggest joke in
the Agency and you're going to get people
killed.
Garvin leans in, whispering harshly.
GARVIN
Remember how your section missed Alistair
in Chile? How many died there when
Alistair blew their reservoir and caused
a drought wiping out three years of
banana crops?
BLAKE
Garvin, you're a washout and an
embarrassment. Look at what your
pathetic career has come to: serving
drinks and babysitting a B-grade
Hollywood brat.
Garvin looks around for any sign of Schroeder.
GARVIN
Piss off, we're working.
BLAKE
You sure are. Alistair's going to ice
both of you. And when that happens, I'll
be there to put the cuffs on him. Great
plan, Garvin, glad you thought of it.
Course, you and the Flake will be dead,
but that's probably a down side.
Garvin glares piercingly at Blake.
BLAKE (CONT'D)
What, you thought Twist was the only
decoy out there?
Blake laughs, shaking his head.
BLAKE (CONT'D)
Your plan is just part of the plan,
Garvin.
Blake leaves with a terrible little grin, and Garvin is
fuming beyond belief.
Schroeder steps up. He is balding and moderately weaselly
looking, despite his tuxedo.
SCHROEDER
Betty bought a bit of butter to make her
bitter batter better.
GARVIN
To which Betty remarked "I can't believe
it's not butter."
Both men nod at hearing the correct code phrases for this
clandestine meeting.
SCHROEDER
Our contract with Daniel was for an
assassination, not for kidnapping.
GARVIN
I'll deliver Twist alive so you can
interrogate him on what he's been briefed
on. Then you'll know everything the
agency does about your plans.
SCHROEDER
If even Daniel couldn't kill Twist, what
makes you think you can deliver him
alive?
GARVIN
Mr. Twist won't know what hit him, and
the Agency will never miss him.
SCHROEDER
I think you underestimate this Twist
character. I think he could be standing
right in front of you, and you wouldn't
know it.
Garvin frowns at Schroeder's smarmy grin, and realizes ...
IT'S TWIST!! Schroeder/Twist's face turns red, and he bursts
out laughing.
GARVIN
(forced whisper)
What the hell are you doing? Get out of
here right now!
Twist leans in with a wink.
TWIST
You're right, it is funnier on the other
side of the joke.
Twist turns and leaves Garvin in such a pissed off state that
he barely notices the real Schroeder appearing.
SCHROEDER
Betty bought a bit of butter to make her
bitter batter better.
EXT.TRUMP TOWER - DAY
Garvin looks up at the tower, to where he imagines Alistair's
office to be.
INT.OFFICE - DAY
Garvin crosses the lobby and enters the elevator, passing
through a small army worth of security.
Entering the building is a GROUP OF MEN in white uniforms,
approaching the RECEPTION DESK GUARD.
WINDOW WASHER
Here's the paper on the job.
Guard looks at a work order handed to him. The Washer glares
from under his cap, and we realize it's BLAKE MOLODY!
GUARD
We didn't hire you. We have our own
washing company.
Blake fixes the Guard with a piercing glare that has the
Guard reaching reflexively for his pistol. Blake's features
are magically wiped away with a totally disarming smile.
BLAKE
Sorry for the trouble. I guess we got
the wrong address.
EXT.SKYSCRAPER - DAY
Blake and his team ride a window washing elevator on the
adjacent building, twenty stories up. Blake unzips a nylon
bag and pulls out a sniper rifle with scope.
SCOPE POV
Crosshairs are painted over the back of a WINDOW WASHER on
Alistair's building.
ANGLE ON WINDOW WASHER:
A tranquilizer dart skewers right between his shoulder
blades, and the Washer grunts with pain, dropping his
squeejee off the side of his elevator.
ANGLE ON BLAKE:
Blake continues firing, hitting the other two washers, as one
of his team uses an odd looking gun to fire a stanchion and
cable across to impale the side of the skyscraper.
BACK TO SCENE:
Blake and his men strap on harnesses and attach them to the
cable, securing the other end to their elevator.
One after the other, Blake and his men rappel along the cable
two hundred feet above the ground.
Washer lays on the elevator floor, fading into
unconsciousness as Blake reaches him. Washer and the others
are roughly pushed into huge laundry bags.
WASHER
Jeez, you guys are pushy.
BLAKE
Competition's a bitch these days.
They pitch the bags over the elevator, and down twenty
stories right into a waiting LORAAS garbage truck which
drives off with them in the bin.
INT.ELEVATOR - DAY
Garvin looks up at the security camera in the corner of the
elevator roof, putting on his game face.
INT.OFFICE - DAY
VIDEO CAMERA MONITOR
Garvin walks through a hallway and approaches a door, raising
his hand ...
BACK TO SCENE:
Alistair presses a button on his desk keyboard beside the
video camera monitor, and the door electronically opens to
reveal Garvin standing, about to knock.
ALISTAIR
I never get tired of that.
Garvin steps into the room, tugging the sleeves of his suit
crisp, a stern English clip to his stride.
GARVIN
Yes, quite.
Alistair remains seated at his desk. Schroeder is buttressed
with several other machine gun toting BADDIES.
ALISTAIR
You have a proposal for me?
Garvin stands in front of Alistair's desk at attention,
military style, sharing a knowing glance with Schroeder.
GARVIN
Yes. I'm a former intelligence officer
now working freelance. I'm aware of the
contract you had with Daniel and ...
Alistair checks the video monitor again, laughing. He stands
and crosses the desk, waving at Garvin to stop talking.
ALISTAIR
Yes, yes, I know, I know. You want to
bring this Jack Twist fellow in. Well,
don't worry about it, it's under control.
The office door opens and Gunner leads in a pizza delivery
boy that looks suspiciously like Twist in a long black wig.
TWIST
(stoner accent)
Heeeey, coool office, dude.
(scans the crowd)
Looks like you're gonna need some more
pizza. I'll be right back, man.
Gunner pushes Twist forward, taking the pizza box out of his
hands.
ALISTAIR
So nice to meet you, Mr. Twist.
Twist's jaw drops.
TWIST
Shit! How'd he figure it out?
Garvin whispers harshly out of the side of his mouth.
GARVIN
Tell me you didn't hide your gun in the
pizza box.
Gunner laughs, opening the lid to reveal a pepperoni, ham,
and Beretta pizza with extra cheese.
ALISTAIR
Why else would I agree to meet you?
(laughs)
This is the sum of your country's
security response to the threat I pose?
A broken down agent on Geritol, and some
B-grade Hollywood flake? Should I be
insulted or relieved? I can't decide.
Outside, we see Blake and his crew appearing on their washer
elevator, unbeknownst to anybody else.
EXT.ELEVATOR - DAY
Blake raises a handheld detonator for a shaped charge on the
window, gesturing for his team to ready.
ALISTAIR (O.S.)
I do know I'm going to want to do a lot
of business here. You're going to be
getting sympathy cards from Beirut ....
Blake is about to blow the window, when a pigeon drops down
and lands right on his hand, and SNATCHES THE DETONATOR AWAY!
BLAKE
Sonofabitch! Come back here, you little
fucker!
Blake grabs at the bird, throwing the elevator off balance.
His team have to clutch at the railings, a couple losing
their guns.
INT.OFFICE - DAY
ALISTAIR
... And Baghdad when I'm through with
this country. What?
Alistair turns to see his office window filled with heavily
armed window washers trying to grab a dodging pigeon.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
Shoot them!!!
Alistair and his men pull out machine guns and open up on
Blake.
The entire bank of windows explode everywhere as Blake and
his men fall back and some end up stepping right off the
elevator, falling to their deaths.
The rest return fire.
GARVIN
Get down NOW!!
Garvin pushes Twist aside, and clocks Gunner unconscious. He
draws his handgun and has a clear shot at the back of
Alistair's head. But he is not an assassin.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
Don't move, or you're dead!
Alistair looks over his shoulder at Garvin, but before they
can confront each other, Blake is able to drag himself up and
jumps through the shattered window frame into the building.
He opens fire, spraying the room and sending everyone for
cover.
INT.CORRIDOR - DAY
Alistair retreats into a corridor, and tries to get to the
elevator. Twist appears, firing a cheese covered automatic,
chasing Alistair to the exit door.
INT.LOWER FLOOR - DAY
Alistair comes down the stairs to the next floor to see it's
a health spa for celebrities.
Alistair charges into a sauna with his machine gun, passing
an exiting MICHAEL J. FOX and JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME.
MICHAEL
You going to do something about that?
JEAN CLAUDE
Not without my stunt double. You?
Michael punctuates his sentence with a trademark sip off a
water bottle.
MICHAEL
Not my kind of movie.
INT.SHOWERS - DAY
Alistair searches for a place to hide, and takes SIGOURNEY
WEAVER HOSTAGE in the showers, dressed in only a towel.
Twist is at the shower door, gun ready. Alistair comes
around, smacking right into Twist, both too close to shoot at
each other. Alistair is stuck holding Sigourney and his gun,
so Twist has a free left hand to punch with.
But Twist is, of course, right handed, and the punch is the
goofiest glancing blow in the history of shitty punches.
Alistair grabs Twist and spins him around, pushing him into
Sigourney, and bolts from the room.
Sigourney pulls Twist to his feet, and he retrieves his
pistol.
TWIST
Don't worry, maam, I'm an intelligence
officer. Twist - Jack Twist.
SIGOURNEY
Maam? Aren't you a little young for a
spy?
Twist, finally recognizing her.
TWIST
Oh my god.
Twist searches his jacket for a pen and paper. Sigourney
frowns in disgust.
SIGOURNEY
I'll sign it later. Can we get out of
here.
Twist and Sigourney sneak out of shower, searching for
Alistair, who has disappeared. Twist turns to Sigourney,
very serious.
TWIST
What's Harrison Ford really like?
SIGOURNEY
Shut - up!
They watch the elevator, waiting for Alistair.
TWIST
He wants that elevator really bad, so we
sit tight and ... RUN!!
Schroeder comes out of stair exit right in front of them, and
opens fire, wounding Twist grazingly in the temple, dropping
him to the ground.
Sigourney drags Twist out of the way, as Schroeder and
Alistair step into the just arrived elevator.
Sigourney looks down at Twist's wound with great anxiety,
then pulls off her towel to wrap it around his head.
SIGOURNEY
Are you alright?
Twist opens his eyes to take in his surroundings, looking
bizarre in his makeshift turban.
TWIST
I'm sitting beside a wet and naked
Sigourney Weaver? Shit - I'm dead!!
SIGOURNEY
You're not dead.
TWIST
I'm not in heaven?
SIGOURNEY
You're not in heaven.
TWIST
You mean it's better than this?
Blake catches up, and has peeled open the elevator doors,
about to drop a handgrenade down the elevator shaft.
Holding the towel to his head, Twist protests.
TWIST (CONT'D)
You can't, the building's full of
celebrities.
Blake spots RICHARD SIMMONS peeking out from underneath a
riding cycle in a nearby exercise room.
RICHARD
Is it safe to come ouuuuuttt?
BLAKE
They won't be missed.
Garvin stops him.
GARVIN
You don't have authorization to kill
anyone.
BLAKE
Are you high? That's exactly what I'm
authorized to do.
Garvin glares, knowing that Blake wouldn't act without
orders.
TWIST
Just back off a minute.
Twist drags a filing cabinet out from one of the offices, and
lugs it to the open elevator shaft.
TWIST (CONT'D)
This will stop them, nice and civilized,
alright?
With a mighty heave, Twist divebombs the filing cabinet down
the shaft.
INT.ELEVATOR SHAFT - DAY
Like a rock, the cabinet drops down, gaining on the elevator
car.
INT.ELEVATOR - DAY
Both Alistair and Schroeder look up at the strange whistling
noise.
INT.ELEVATOR SHAFT - DAY
Twist, Garvin, and Blake watch as the cabinet pierces the
elevator car and slams RIGHT INTO SCHROEDER'S FACE, crushing
his body right through the bottom of the car.
Alistair pokes his head out to look up, then down through the
opposing holes, the elevator continuing it's descent.
INT.CORRIDOR - DAY
Garvin stares at Twist in disgust.
TWIST
Ooops.
Blake pulls a portable monitor from his satchel and it
reveals a video taken from a security camera in the
building's underground parking.
MONITOR
A van with the window washing company logo on it is parked
right beside Alistair's BMW as Alistair enters the building's
underground parking lot.
BACK TO SCENE:
The coolness as Blake watches this tells us that this was
part of the plan all along.
BLAKE
Now if you two will back off and let me
work.
Blake takes out a detonator, and depresses the switch.
INT.PARKING GARAGE - DAY
Alistair steps into his car, frowning at the van beside him.
INT.VAN - DAY
The van interior is packed with explosives, and the trigger's
LED screen blinks, indicating detonation.
INT.PARKING LOT - DAY
The parking lot FILLS WITH A TERRIBLE EXPLOSION, incinerating
everything, including before our very eyes, Alistair Hahn.
INT.CORRIDOR - DAY
Garvin and Twist watch the monitor in horror. Blake is
immensely satisfied, a long time coming.
BLAKE
That's how pro's do it, not with office
furniture.
Blake strides off laughing, Garvin furious beyond belief.
INT.PARKING LOT - DAY
Everyone goes down to the parking lot to see that it is a
blackened oven. Nearby, the remains of Alistair are trapped
within his car.
As agents try to collect evidence, Garvin turns to Blake,
very disgusted.
GARVIN
You're a pro, Blake. You're the best.
INT.CORRIDOR - DAY
Agents turn all the offices inside and out, sweeping the
rooms with geiger counters. Garvin passes them, a glance of
confusion, but he doesn't stop.
Sigourney is dressed now, and gives Twist a slip of paper.
TWIST
Your phone number?
SIGOURNEY
My fee for the sequel.
Sigourney kisses an awe struck Twist on the cheek, and walks
off down the hall.
INT.PARKADE - DAY
Agency FORENSIC SCIENTISTS examine the wreckage, cataloging
everything. Garvin discusses the results with one.
SCIENTIST
We've positively identified the corpse as
one Alistair Hahn.
GARVIN
I can't believe that Blake fried him in
his own parking lot. Is there any chance
that you're wrong?
SCIENTIST
We recovered enough of the corpse so far
to make a positive match with our
records. Unless he found time to cut out
his teeth and fingers and sew them onto
someone else. Is that a consideration?
Garvin cryptically shrugs, not putting anything past
Alistair.
INT.OFFICE - DAY
Blake and Twist search frantically through Alistair's office
for clues of what their plans where, racing to find something
before the other. A picture of Alexis is on the desk, but
neither registers it.
Garvin enters.
GARVIN
Forensics confirmed it. You bagged
Alistair, Blake.
Blake pushes Twist out of the way, pawing a drawer open.
BLAKE
I had him the minute I took the
assignment, Garvin.
Twist has resorted to searching Alistair's suit coat still
draped over the back of the desk's chair.
BLAKE (CONT'D)
Your whole operation was to keep Alistair
in one place till we could hit him, and
to humour an old man that he could still
contribute something.
Garvin is in Blake's face, tired of this.
GARVIN
What I contributed was national security
in this country for over forty years.
Garvin leans in close.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
And when I did wet work, I didn't have to
blow up the building to get the guy,
either. I could walk right up to the
target with no collateral damage.
BLAKE
Garvin, you old pussy. The only wet work
you do these days is in your Depends.
Garvin is about to take Blake's head off, when Twist thrusts
an airline ticket between their faces.
TWIST
I got it! This is where he was heading.
BLAKE
I'll take that.
(reading ticket)
Sonofabitch, I knew it.
Blake pushes a protesting Twist back and heads for the door.
He turns one last time to Garvin.
BLAKE (CONT'D)
National security?
(waves ticket)
I just saved the country.
Blake laughs and leaves.
Garvin massages a terrible headache that's starting to gather
in his temples.
TWIST
So where's he going to?
GARVIN
How should I know?
Twist holds up the folder the airline distributes the tickets
in.
TWIST
The receipt is right here.
Garvin nods.
GARVIN
Where ever Alistair was going, I imagine
that's where the pick up is for whatever
they were trying to smuggle. Blake will
just kill whoever's waiting there, and
this will all be done.
TWIST
So why is the receipt for two tickets
with separate destinations?
Garvin frowns heavily and grabs at the receipt. Twist holds
onto it this time, and they tug of war.
EXT.WASHINGTON - NIGHT
Another classic circling copter shot.
INT.OFFICE - NIGHT
Garvin bursts into the office, Hanford burning the midnight
oil at his desk.
GARVIN
Your department is out of control.
Alistair is dead.
HANFORD
Then the mission was a success.
Garvin had his suspicions, but is still shocked to hear a
spook of Hanford's political level admit to anything. This
is a direct reflection of how little Hanford fears Garvin.
GARVIN
Is that our business now?
HANFORD
No terrorist as dangerous and successful
as Alistair Hahn could be allowed on US
soil. He was officially ordered to be
removed.
GARVIN
We've never tried to kill him before.
You're holding out on me.
HANFORD
Nonsense.
Hanford continues shuffling papers, replacing folders of
information in his filing cabinets.
GARVIN
Very well. If killing Alistair was
ordered, then my team should've done the
hit. We were on point.
HANFORD
We weren't going to be trusting the
security of our nation with an agency
hasbeen and an actor. If you actually
thought we would, then it's time for you
to retire anyways.
GARVIN
This was supposed to be my plan.
Handlers don't get handled.
HANFORD
That's the nature of the business: the
end justifies the means. They put that
on our application forms for God's sakes.
Hanford remembers that, and grabs up a stack of resumes,
putting them away.
GARVIN
You're running this organization right
into the ...
HANFORD
I'm running this organization exactly how
it should be. I may be new here, but I
won't tolerate insubordination from
anyone. I don't know much about you, but
I know what I see: failure. And this
operation was not going to fail, not
under my term.
Hanford stores the last file. Garvin is bitter and mad
beyond belief.
GARVIN
I'm glad you were able to clean off your
desk of this.
EXT.BAR - NIGHT
This is an agency bar catering to the ultra paranoid with
mirrors and security cameras everywhere to comic effect.
Garvin is at the bar, working on a pyramid of empty shot
glasses. Twist bursts in, having to pass through a metal
detector.
TWIST
You'll never guess where the other ticket
was to: Kamloops, B.C., of all places.
GARVIN
How nice. International criminals taking
a break to ski.
TWIST
That's where Alexis is.
GARVIN
Do you know when the last time I had a
vacation was?
TWIST
Did you hear me? We've got to go and get
her.
GARVIN
The mission is over. Field personnel can
mop up this up. After you're debriefed,
you can go back to Hollywood, where
people have some scruples and class.
TWIST
Jeez, you are drunk. Let me go after
Alexis.
GARVIN
It's over. They don't give a rat's ass
about us or what we think.
TWIST
I just want to be a spy for a little bit
longer. Nothing I do in movies is ever
going to be as good as this.
Garvin slams back another drink.
GARVIN
Trust me, this business isn't worth the
risk.
TWIST
Ahhhh. How much trouble can I get into
in Cana - duh? I'll blend in and noone
will know I was ever there.
Garvin isn't feeling too devoted to the agency at this point
in time, and against his better judgement, nods.
EXT.KAMLOOPS B.C. CANADA - DAY
Twist's plane lands in Kamloops Airport in the middle of a
terrible cold winter.
INT.CUSTOMS - DAY
Twist stands in line at Customs in full Royal Canadian
Mountie garb, whistling and rocking on the balls of his feet,
pretending to be RCMP to the amused stares of the others in
line.
INT.OFFICE - DAY
Garvin pops half a jar of Tylenol and enters.
GARVIN
I've sent Twist to Canada to follow
Alexis Hahn.
HANFORD
That's a waste of time. She'll be in
Bermuda to meet the Pakistani Schaol ...
Blake glares at Hanford's indiscretion.
HANFORD (CONT'D)
To finish up some personal business
there, I guess.
Garvin has caught all of this, though.
GARVIN
What business? We were supposed to be
trying to figure out what Alistair was
doing. You had him killed, so
everything's over. Right?
Blake and Hanford share grimaces. Garvin thinks.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
This wasn't about trying to learn
Alistair's plan, it was to kill him
before he could carry it out.
Garvin stares Blake down, remembering.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
Geiger counters. That's what you were
looking for. Where'd he get the nuke
from?
BLAKE
You're reaching.
GARVIN
The Pakistani Schaol? The oil tanker for
the nuke, right?
Blake's grimace confirms that question. Garvin is stunned
with disbelief.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
What the hell are we doing?
Hanford knows Garvin won't leave now.
HANFORD
Catching a country doing something like
this results in one of two things:
collecting a chit or favor to be returned
at a later date, or using the military to
slap their wrists, all depending on what
idiot happens to be sitting at the Oval
Office desk. This one likes chits.
GARVIN
Bullshit. We allowed a known terrorist
to acquire a nuclear weapon for a favour?
HANFORD
Alistair got nothing. We've been
watching him the whole time, and he's
finally dead. In a few hours, Blake will
meet this Pakistani Schaol, and we'll
have the bomb.
BLAKE
We knew Pakistan would do this, and they
got themselves into this mess. We've got
our dead scumbag, and the president get's
his chit. Win win.
Garvin is utterly disgusted.
GARVIN
The next fanatic to show up in D.C. with
a bomb, I'm just going to hold the door
open for him. They'll be doing more good
than harm.
Garvin walks out, slamming the door. Blake puts on his
sunglasses, ready for the Caribbean.
BLAKE
When I get back from the tropics, I'll
put that geezer in the ice box, alright
boss?
HANFORD
Garvin? His pension will cost the
company less than his funeral. Leave him
to his park bench and pigeons.
INT.AIRPORT - DAY
Twist finishes adjusting his street clothes, a very perturbed
CUSTOMS OFFICER holding Twist's confiscated Mountie uniform.
TWIST
Jeez, a little touchy, eh?
The Officer harumphs and slams his door shut. Twist searches
the crowded airport, thinking.
TWIST (CONT'D)
(to himself)
So, Alexis, where did you go from here?
Twist's gaze falls on an office across the airport, and he
smiles wide.
INT.RENTA CAR - DAY
CLERK
I don't know if I should be telling you
this or not.
Twist is doing his darndest to sweet talk a kindly, elderly
CLERK at her desk.
TWIST
Maam, Alexis Hahn has been smuggling
Toonies out of the country for years, and
we have to put a stop to it. This is our
big chance to do something aboot it.
The Clerk fidgets and fusses, but Twist's movie star smile
has smitten the woman.
CLERK
Well, okay, Mr. Clouseau.
EXT.SUPER 8 MOTEL - NIGHT
Alexis sets a vinyl carrying bag with her laptop computer
into the trunk of her rental sedan, then climbs in and drives
off. Following behind her, is Twist in a similar rental
vehicle.
INT.WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Gunner and his men work on an eighteen wheeler semi rig
parked in the warehouse, when a terrible racket starts to
echo through the building.
GUNNER
Just a minute, for Christ's sakes!
The knocking at the door continues right up until Gunner
unlocks and opens the door to let in Alexis.
ALEXIS
What the hell took you? I could've been
spotted out there.
Out of the blue, Gunner kisses Alexis glancingly, breaking
with a smile and a hand on her hip.
GUNNER
You can relax now, darling. With me in
charge, you're perfectly safe.
Alexis's eyes widen, and she slaps Gunner across the face.
Gunner touches his reddened cheek, smiling even wider.
GUNNER (CONT'D)
Save the foreplay for tonight, baby.
Gunner pulls Alexis closer and kisses her deeply. She
struggles, but gradually accepts the embrace. Gunner breaks,
smacking his lips at her taste.
GUNNER (CONT'D)
I'll fix us some drinks.
Alexis is developing a facial tick that's just starting to
become noticeable, as she follows Gunner in.
EXT.WAREHOUSE PARKING LOT - DAY
Twist crosses the street from his car, jogging over to
Alexis's rental and Gunner's brand new IROC Z-28, his breath
a cloudy mist in the freezing evening temperature. Using a
lock pick, Twist cracks open Alexis's trunk and pulls out the
laptop bag.
Twist then pours a pair of gallon jugs of water over both
car's doors and the ground nearby, giggling a high pitch
whistle like Snidely Whiplash.
INT.WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Gunner hands Alexis a matching wine cooler, leading her to
the back of the semi.
ALEXIS
Are you sure you weren't followed?
GUNNER
Trust me, if anyone knew we were here
with one of these, they wouldn't just be
sitting on their ass.
Gunner throws the trailer doors open.
EXT.WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Twist sits down in front of a heating fan duct, making
himself comfortable. He takes a micro video camera on the
end of a fibre optic snake, and feeds it through the duct.
When in place, he watches the feed on a tiny LCD monitor.
MONITOR
With surprising detail, we see a fish eye viewpoint of Gunner
and Alexis in the semi trailer, examining their new NUCLEAR
BOMB!!
TWIST
Oh my God, now these guys have the bomb
too? Seven Eleven must be selling these
things like crazy.
INT.WAREHOUSE - SEMI TRAILER - NIGHT
GUNNER
Well?
Alexis finishes checking through all the intricate settings
and gauges on the device.
ALEXIS
It made the boat ride to the coast and
the road trip here in one piece, and
everything reads one hundred percent.
Adequate work, Mr. Freeling.
GUNNER
You are too generous, dear.
ALEXIS
Let's get this secured again.
Gunner and Alexis use a link chain and pulley secured to the
trailer's roof to lower the bomb back into it's compartment,
closing the lid.
GUNNER
Canadian American border restrictions are
a joke, but I don't see how they can miss
even that.
Alexis plays her cards close to her chest.
ALEXIS
Trust me.
EXT.WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Twist continues watching on the monitor, when he is suddenly
lifted up into the air, spun round, and slammed into the
warehouse wall by the ever stealthy OGNOM!
Twist groans in pain, trying to stand.
TWIST
Aw, man, can you call an ambulance,
please?
Ognom grins, and Twist glares up in anger.
TWIST (CONT'D)
I mean, for you.
Twist lashes out with a killer punch, directly for Ognom's
groin. Twist's fist echoes off an unfazed Ognom's crotch
with a thud. Twist follows with two more blows, equally
ineffective.
OGNOM
You fight dirty.
Ognom grabs Twist again and flings him off into a snowbank.
Twist pulls himself up. Ognom pulls off his coat to reveal
his fists and forearms strapped with separated metal braces.
He twists and clenches his fists, locking the braces
together, turning his arms into powerful battering rams.
TWIST
Yeah, and I give up really easy.
Twist bolts for his car. Ognom lopes along, hollering to the
others in the warehouse.
OGNOM
We have an intruder outside!
Twist makes it to his car as Alexis, Gunner, and the others
burst out of the warehouse. Alexis recognizes Twist.
ALEXIS
Stop him! Don't let him contact anybody!
Gunner races for his car, hits the icy patch from the water
Twist poured, and crashes to the ground. A henchman futilely
tries to open the frozen car door, and ends up slipping right
onto Gunner.
INT.RENTAL CAR - NIGHT
Twist starts the car, and Ognom steps up front. He glares at
Twist through the windshield, gathers up his fury, and
punches a metal sheathed fist RIGHT THROUGH THE CAR HOOD!
Ognom hollers through his gritted teeth and the car's engine
dies as Ognom pulls out the auto's heart, it's carburetor.
TWIST
Oh, for Christ sakes, I'm gonna have to
PAY FOR THAT!
Ognom walks around to the driver's side. Twist comically
rolls up his window. Ognom snorts his derision, and winds up
to punch.
Right then, a UHAUL truck blasts by, snagging Ognom's fist on
it's side view mirror.
EXT.STREET - NIGHT
Twist climbs out of the car to see the truck carrying a
struggling Ognom down the road, hollering and screaming.
Across the street, Gunner and company have finally gotten
into their cars, so Twist starts running.
INT.AGENCY OFFICE - NIGHT
A LAB COATED TECHNICIAN drops a folder in front of Garvin at
his desk.
TECHNICIAN
Here you go, Mr. I Can't Wait Till Next
Week, Cause It's a Matter of National
Security.
Garvin reads the folder, and his jaw drops.
GARVIN
Is this true?
TECHNICIAN
No, that's the fake bullshit report. I
keep the real one hidden in my desk,
because I don't want anyone I work for to
know that I can make an accurate
diagnosis, write a proper report, and
anything else that will help me keep my
job and allow me to continue these
wonderful discussions.
GARVIN
Want to get fired?
TECHNICIAN
You don't have the clearance to ...
Garvin looks up, big time pissed.
TECHNICIAN (CONT'D)
... yes the report is accurate.
The Technician leaves meekly.
GARVIN
Thank you.
EXT.BACK ALLEY - NIGHT
Out of breath, Twist stumbles up the rear driveway of a small
house to a LITTLE OLD LADY starting up her economy sized
Yugo.
TWIST
Excuse me, maam, but I need to buy your
car.
Twist gracefully yanks Little Old Lady out of the car and
presses five hundred bucks into her hand, climbing into the
tiny vehicle.
Little Old Lady watches in amazement as Twist races off in
her car, and counts the money.
LITTLE OLD LADY
Wait a minute! Don't you want your
change?
INT.YUGO - NIGHT
Twist driving with his knees up by his shoulders, struggling
to steer and keep the car's top speed up to a modest eighty
kilometers an hour.
EXT.STREET - NIGHT
The Yugo whines into the open and is immediately followed by
Gunner's powerful Camero and the less muscular Rental car.
The badguys overtake the Yugo, firing automatic weapons from
every available window.
Twist's only hope is to get off the road and drive where only
the Yugo can: THE SIDEWALK.
The Yugo ducks away from it's pursuers by sneaking between
two buildings where a bike would barely fit.
INT.IROC - NIGHT
Gunner watches the Yugo disappear, cursing. A portable radio
blares with Alexis's demanding voice.
GUNNER
Yes?
RADIO
Do you have him yet?
GUNNER
We're breaking his thumbs as we speak.
RADIO
We're leaving with the truck now. Meet
us at the packing plant immediately after
you're done.
GUNNER
I'll be there shortly, madam.
RADIO
Only if you succeed. If you fail, commit
suicide. You'll go easier on yourself
than I will.
Gunner grits his teeth, and drives faster.
EXT.STREET - NIGHT
Twist pulls back out onto the street.
INT.YUGO - NIGHT
Twist has had enough of this, and looks for a new ride.
EXT.STREET - NIGHT
The Yugo swerves into the opposing lane and cuts off a rusty
pickup truck. The TRUCKER bashes on his horn, as Twist
climbs out to approach him.
TRUCKER
You stupid, jerkwad, piece of ...
Twist pulls out his pistol, about to settle this argument
quickly.
TRUCKER (CONT'D)
Hey, that's okay, you can have it. I was
sick of it anyways.
Twist is about to oblige him, when low and behold, another
car slows down to try and pass. Twist smiles hugely, and
with gun in hand, approaches the gorgeous, candy apple red,
late seventies model Chevrolet Corvette.
INT.IROC - NIGHT
Gunner leans over the steering wheel, trying to spot Twist in
the night.
GUNNER
Where are you hiding, little mouse?
Gunner slams on the brakes abruptly to avoid hitting the
Vette streaking across the road. Twist is visible through
the driver's window, as well as his single upraised finger.
GUNNER (CONT'D)
I'll be sure to cut that off for you.
Gunner floors it, chasing after the quickly disappearing
Vette.
EXT.BERMUDA - OUTDOOR CAFE - DAY
Blake walks up to a table where sits Schoal Len. Blake
gestures with a handgun concealed under a newspaper.
SCHAOL
I'd heard that the waiters here were a
little pushy.
BLAKE
Get up scumbag. You're gonna give me the
two cent tour of that rustbucket
freighter you sailed in here on.
Schaol spots Blake's numerous backups, all conspicuous pale
faced, sunglass wearing AGENTS. Schaol sighs and leaves the
table, gesturing back at his plate.
SCHAOL
You'll pick up the cheque, I trust?
EXT.HARBOUR - DAY
Schaol leads Blake and company onto a docked freighter that
is indeed, a rust bucket.
INT.FREIGHTER HOLD - DAY
Blake stands in front of a huge wooden crate with a crowbar.
Schaol stands with agents on either side.
BLAKE
Alistair Hahn is a briquette, and you, my
sweaty faced friend, are under arrest for
trafficking stolen nuclear material.
Blake pries the crate open to see it's FILLED WITH SMUGGLED
FURBIES!!
The look on Blake's face is priceless, and Schaol is more
than pleased to be here to see it.
SCHAOL
You look like you've lost something.
EXT.COCAHAULA HIGHWAY - DAY
The red Vette blasts down the winding stretch of the
Cocahaula Highway that cuts through the towering Rocky
Mountains.
The sun is just coming up, and it'd be a picturesque drive,
if not for the terrible blizzard forming, and the heavily
armed terrorists pursuing.
Gunner's Iroc follows closely, the Rental lagging behind.
The Vette accelerates, beginning to skid on the icy road.
INT.VETTE - DAY
Twist grips the tiny racing size steering wheel, straining to
see the road through the wind swept snow filling his
windshield.
INT.IROC - DAY
Gunner drives with a lit cigarette in the corner of his
mouth, the dangerous driving conditions unable to pierce his
macho facade.
INT.RENTAL CAR - DAY
HENCHMAN DRIVING is getting smacked on the shoulder by
HENCHMAN SHOOTING to hustle up and get close enough to blast
Twist off the road. In the back seat, HENCHMAN FREEZING is
not enjoying his first Canadian winter.
HENCHMAN DRIVING
Just back off. You want to catch him?
Put your seat belt on.
Henchman Driving floors the car, the speedometer creeping up
past 100 kph.
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
The Vette and the Iroc are side by side, flying down a long
decline, barely keeping their vehicles on the road. They
pass underneath an overhead electronic road condition sign,
it's bright yellow lights spelling out: Road Conditions
Impassable - Illegal to Drive Without Snow Chains.
Pulling into the passing lane is, miraculously, the Rental.
Henchman Driving is rocking in his seat, trying to will the
car faster. Henchman Shooting rolls down his window and
raises his machine gun at Twist.
INT.VETTE - DAY
Twist winces, hating what he's going to have to do.
TWIST
You just can't leave well enough alone,
can you?
Twist takes his foot off the accelerator, and against all
sound judgement, hits the brakes.
INT.IROC - DAY
Gunner watches as the Vette disappears behind him, leaving
Henchman Shooting about to open fire at him now. His jaw
drops, the cigarette stuck to his bottom lip.
GUNNER
You stupid, rotten, piece of ...
Gunner slams on the brakes.
INT.RENTAL CAR - DAY
Henchman Shooting snaps out a burst, missing everything. He
smacks H. Driving, who instinctively, hits the brakes.
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
The Vette, Iroc, and Rental all fail to brake properly on the
iced over highway, skidding and slewing at speeds that
threaten to send each vehicle off the side of the road and
down the mountainside to the rocks below.
The Vette and the Iroc are able to find traction and slow
down to a controllable speed. The Rental continues forward
at a suicidal velocity, CUTTING ACROSS THE FRONT OF AN
APPROACHING LOGGING TRUCK.
The truck swerves, but smashes the Rental broadside. The
truck flips over, crunching over top of the Rental and it's
displeased passengers. The trailer unloads AN ENTIRE LOAD OF
FRESHLY SAWN LOGS onto the highway.
The logs tumble down the reverse of the decline, picking up
speed and height until they start to bounce end over end like
Slinkies from hell.
INT.VETTE - DAY
TWIST
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
INT.IROC - DAY
Gunner's eyes widen, and he spits out his cigarette. The
cigarette bounces off the windshield and right into Gunner's
lap.
GUNNER
Sonofabitch!!
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
The logs continue to rain down, smashing to the left and
right of the two sports cars. A bright yellow Toyota sports
utility vehicle gets speared right through the hood with one
of the logs, sending the truck rolling.
The Iroc races over and catches the Vette near the side of
the highway. Gunner smashes into Twist, running him right
through the guard rail and off the road, the Vette soaring
down the mountain side.
INT.IROC - DAY
GUNNER
YES!!!!!!
EXT.MOUNTAIN SIDE - DAY
The Vette drops down onto a clutch of thick Canadian pine
trees and bounces right off in an explosion of needles and
branches. The car, still intact, skims down the snow covered
mountain side like a frisbee.
With the raspy crunchiness of metal on packed snow, the Vette
fires right into a snowbank, the sharkish nose digging in to
submerge the car.
HIGHWAY GUARD RAIL
Gunner stands at the rail with binoculars,
BINOCULAR POV
The Vette has disappeared into the snow, it's blinking tail
lights barely visible.
BACK TO SCENE:
Gunner laughs and spits, exhaling a huge cloud of mist, and
climbs back into his car. The Iroc roars off, as another
truck pulls up to the crushed guard rail.
The DRIVER steps down from the truck, sees the speeding
Camero and it's New York license plates, then walks over to
the edge.
DRIVER
Goddamn Americans.
EXT.MEAT PACKING PLANT - DAY
Alexis stands by their semi truck as the last of two dozen
head of cattle are marched into the trailer. Alexis signs
the waybill from a gruff looking FOREMAN, Ognom waiting in
the driver's seat.
INT.SEMI TRAILER - DAY
Alexis steps gingerly between the cattle, opening a jug
labelled INDUSTRIAL LAXATIVE, and pours it onto the clumps of
hay on the trailer floor. The cows eat the hay, oblivious to
the laxative, a giggling Alexis, or even the nuclear device
resting below their feet.
INT.HOSPITAL - DAY
Twist rests in a bed, covered in bandages. Garvin enters,
wincing at the sight.
GARVIN
The doctor said you should be okay, just
another couple days.
Twist is in good spirits despite his injuries.
TWIST
Did you get it - did you get it?
Garvin drops Alexis's laptop and carry bag onto the bedside
table.
GARVIN
Yes, the rental company recovered it from
your car, like you said. I haven't had a
chance to examine it, so I don't know if
there's anything useful in it.
Twist paws through the bag, checking it's contents.
TWIST
Nah, in the movies, their whole secret
plan would be in there. Trust me.
You're gonna want to sit down for this
next part.
Garvin smirks and pulls up a chair, looking Twist over.
Twist grins.
TWIST (CONT'D)
The real Alistair wasn't Alistair. It's
his sister, Alexis! She's been the
brains behind everything all along.
Garvin shakes his head, knowing different. He pulls the
Agency autopsy report from his briefcase.
GARVIN
Alexis can't be the real boss.
We identified her dead pregnant body in
the parking garage.
Twist frowns.
TWIST
What?
EXT.GAS STATION - DAY
The semi truck and Gunner's Iroc are parked at a roadside gas
station out in the middle of no where.
INT.GAS STATION WASHROOM - DAY
Alexis stands at a filthy vanity, washing her hands.
GUNNER (O.S.)
Honey, we've got work to do. You can't
spend all day powdering your nose and
chewing on tampons.
There are many cruel chuckles from the scoffing henchmen
outside. Alexis stares at her image in the cracked mirror,
her facial tick very noticeable.
ALEXIS
(to her image)
They won't follow you anymore.
Alexis begins to transform. She wipes off her makeup and
removes her blonde wig, revealing short dark hair.
TWIST (V.O.)
That can't be. I saw her with my own
eyes.
GARVIN (V.O.)
You saw WHO with your own eyes?
Alexis steps out of her dress and high heels, revealing quite
clearly, HER MALE BODY.
Keeping her bra and panties, Alexis pulls on some pants and a
shirt over top, becoming Alistair Hahn.
TWIST (V.O.)
You mean, all this time?
GARVIN (V.O.)
Alexis really IS Alistair.
Alexis/Alistair stares at her/hisself one last time in the
mirror, holding a hand up to her/his mouth.
INT.HOSPITAL - DAY
Twist is completely blown away.
TWIST
This is getting just plain sick.
Garvin marvels over the intricacy of this masquerade, pacing
the room.
GARVIN
This is the best cover yet. All this
time, we thought he was just a
psychopathic killer with delusions of
grandeur. But in reality, he's also a
cross dresser incestuously fathering a
child with his dead sister.
TWIST
A transvestite with a nuclear bomb.
GARVIN
God almighty, what next?
Twist gestures for Garvin to sit down, there's more. Garvin
gingerly sits, unsure if he wants to hear this.
EXT.GAS STATION - DAY
Alistair/Alexis comes out of bathroom dressed as a man, to
the utter surprise of his henchmen.
ALISTAIR
What the fuck are you looking at? Let's
get going.
Gunner watches in horrified awe, and pukes all along the side
of his Iroc. From within the semi trailer, the sounds of
twenty four cows breaking wind and defecating can be heard.
The smell washes over a green faced Gunner, who turns to his
poor Camero, and lets a second blast loose.
INT.HOSPITAL - DAY
Garvin is on his cellular phone with Hanford, wincing at the
volume of his boss's voice.
INTERCUT CONVERSATION:
GARVIN
No, I'm not trying to give you a heart
attack.
HANFORD
You call me and tell me that Alistair
Hahn is still alive, that he's going to
smuggle a nuclear weapon into the
country, that we could've stopped him and
DIDN'T!! How else do you think I would
take it!!
GARVIN
It isn't over yet. We can still stop him
at the border. Alert customs and ...
HANFORD
Oh my God. I'm going to jail. This is a
disaster. I can't go to jail. I was
supposed to be the President's National
Security Advisor. I HAD A FUTURE!! Oh
God, Oh God, Oh God.
Garvin sets the phone down gently. He grins weakly at Twist.
TWIST
Well, are we going to go after him?
GARVIN
With what? There's no calvary to call
in.
Garvin gestures to the phone, where crying and sobbing is
audible from the phone's receiver.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
Besides, I'd think you'd be sick and
tired of risking your life when we keep
letting you down.
Twist's mood is surprisingly cheery and energetic under the
circumstances, a mixture of super spy chivalry and utter
stupidity.
TWIST
Ah, they feel more like plot points than
accidents. No, let's go after her. Him.
Them. We'll kick all their asses. Just
us.
Garvin looks Twist over, noticing a visible difference in
manner. Jack seems more confident now, more alive, more ...
Jack Twist. Garvin laughs, finding himself ready to believe
in his own farce.
GARVIN
Alright, Mister Super Spy. What's our
first move?
Twist reaches into the laptop bag, and pulls out the Jaz
drive cassette.
TWIST
Let's see what they're up to.
EXT.US BORDER CROSSING - DAY
A uniformed CUSTOMS OFFICER waves Ognom to pull the semi
over. He's joined at the trailer door by Alistair.
CUSTOMS OFFICER
You want to open this, please.
ALISTAIR
Is anything wrong?
CUSTOMS OFFICER
There will be if you don't open this
right now.
Alistair smiles and unlocks the doors.
ALISTAIR
Anything you like.
In his aviator sunglasses and cop moustache, the Customs
Officer is the very definition of machismo. But when the
thick cloud of two dozen cows wallowing fairly comfortably in
half a day's worth of filth washes over the Officer, his jaw
trembles slightly.
Watching from the safety of his Iroc, Gunner gags
sympathetically.
Customs Officer peaks around the trailer and clears his
throat.
CUSTOMS OFFICER
Everything looks good here. Move it out.
Go on.
Alistair nods and locks the doors back up.
ALISTAIR
Was there anything else?
Customs Officer backs up, holding a hand to his stomach,
waving Alistair to get the truck out of here.
Alistair climbs into the semi, and the truck rolls down the
highway, passing a huge overhead sign: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
INT.FUTURE SHOP - DAY
Twist and Garvin come into a computer store, searching the
demo computers for a model with a Jaz drive.
GARVIN
Over here.
They load up the Jaz, and play back Alistair's CG demo. The
demo runs on a nineteen inch monitor, the speakers carrying
the sound throughout the store, customers gathering to watch.
COMPUTER MONITOR:
We get to see the demo for the first time. An aerial point
of view of Nevada that closes in on Lake Meade and the Hoover
Dam. The camera reveals a nuclear weapon placed in a
strategic spot, and detonated.
The dam, as formidable as it is, is disintegrated by the
blast. Lake Meade, free of it's constraints and completely
irradiated, creates a huge poisonous tidal wave that washes
all the way to Las Vegas.
The camera pulls away to reveal all of California enveloped
in a massive blackout as power supplied by the dam is
instantly cut off. Shockwaves from the bomb pulse outwards,
setting off the tectonic plates all along California, and as
the camera rises, earthquakes and fires ravage the entire
American West Coast. The effect is devastating beyond
belief.
BACK TO SCENE:
Everyone is completely blown away. A STONER COMPUTER GEEK
comes up, hand on Garvin's shoulder.
STONER
Totally gnarly demo, man. Where do you
get that game?
EXT.FUTURE SHOP - DAY
Twist and Garvin jog out to his car.
TWIST
We need to find some transportation,
fast.
GARVIN
Well, let's see if I still have a
government job or not.
EXT.USAF BASE - WASHINGTON STATE - NIGHT
Even at night, an American air base is a hub of activity,
with planes landing and taking off.
INT.OFFICE - NIGHT
Garvin dresses down a young LIEUTENANT, who is increasingly
tired of arguing.
GARVIN
And I'm telling you we don't have time
for you to confirm my orders. You've
seen my ID. I'm an intelligence officer
in our government's employ, and am trying
to stop a terrorist from killing millions
of people.
LIEUTENANT
But I can't let you just take a
helicopter. It doesn't work that way.
Garvin pulls out his Agency American Express Card.
GARVIN
Fine. I'll buy it. How much?
The Lieutenant looks at the card, then Garvin, sighing.
EXT.FLIGHTLINE - DAY
Garvin's new Bell Huey helicopter is warming up, it's PILOT
preflighting it.
Twist jogs over, wearing a flight suit and carrying a helmet.
GARVIN
What are you doing?
Twist gestures to an A-10 Thunderbolt tank killer being
rolled out onto the tarmac.
TWIST
I may have misled the flight crew about
which plane we're authorized to use.
Garvin's eyes widen.
GARVIN
You can't do this. That's not some
chopper that noone's going to miss.
That's state of the art military
hardware.
(beat)
I can't afford to pay for that one.
Twist stares hard at Garvin.
TWIST
This is for all the marbles and we need
to double up on our firepower. We
probably can't arrest Alistair anymore.
GARVIN
It seems that we never were going to.
Twist shakes his head in disgust.
TWIST
All in the name of national security,
huh?
Garvin erupts, angry at a lot of things, but picking Twist as
a convenient target.
GARVIN
What the HELL do you know about national
security? We put our lives on the line
fighting for the freedom you have to live
here. What do you know about any of
that? You know shit. You're an actor.
TWIST
(quietly)
I thought we were on the same side, here.
Garvin relents, wound up about being in a crucial situation
without any support.
GARVIN
Sorry. Tearing off on our own just isn't
the way to do this, Jack. We should be
going after this idiot with the complete
effort of this country's security forces,
not just two people on the verge of
losing their jobs.
TWIST
So let's do it, anyways. At very least,
the Agency will have to come and arrest
us, right? Maybe they'll screw up and
put Alistair in the same cell.
Garvin examines Twist, deciding. Wanting to believe.
GARVIN
Can you really fly that thing?
Standing tall in his flight suit with a cocky grin, Twist
looks larger than life, and truly heroic.
TWIST
No sweat. I trained three weeks in one
for COLT DERRINGER: END OF THE WORLD.
Garvin nods.
GARVIN
Let's do it.
They shake hands and rush off to their respective vehicles.
Twist buckles into the cockpit.
TWIST
(under his breath)
Of course, I spent most of the time in
the bar, hitting on Kathy Ireland. Ah,
it'll all come back to me. I hope.
EXT.COLORADO - HIGHWAY - DAY
It's early morning, the weather much sunnier and clearer this
far south. Alistair's semi makes it's way through the
mountainous terrain, Gunner's Iroc in the lead.
INT.IROC - DAY
Gunner yawns and scratches his unwashed head of hair. A
distant rumble rises in the air. Gunner frowns at his co-
hort, MANFRED, yet another graduate from HENCHMAN U.
GUNNER
Is that a storm coming?
Dropping down into Gunner's view is an Army Bell Huey
helicopter. Standing in the open doorway is the wind
buffeted figure of Garvin Case.
Garvin holds out a fist to Gunner, raising his middle finger
up.
Gunner's face hardens and he floors the accelerator. The
helicopter rises up and is replaced with a dark shape
dropping out of the sky heading straight for the car at a
frightening speed.
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
Mountain peaks rise up on either side of the highway, and
within this valley, soars the imposing shape of an olive
green A-10 Thunderbolt tank killer, affectionately nicknamed
""Warthog" by it's pilots.
INT.WARTHOG - DAY
Twist smiles at the Iroc Camero filling his HUD gunsight, and
depresses a firing switch on his flight stick.
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
Slung underneath the Warthog's nose is the world's most
powerful airborne gun: a 37mm gatling gun firing depleted
uranium shells designed to pierce the thickest Soviet tank
armour at a rate of 3000 a minute.
The cannon opens fire with a burst of flame, and the sound is
that of God opening a zipper in the universe.
INT.IROC - DAY
GUNNER
HOLY SHIT!!!!
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
Shells rip into the asphalt, creating tremendous potholes,
the Iroc dancing in between explosions that will mean instant
disintegration for the car if any connect.
INT.IROC - DAY
Gunner hollers frantically into his walkie talkie.
GUNNER
What do we do now? He's going to kill us
all!!
INT.SEMI - DAY
Ognom snorts at the sound of Gunner losing his water.
Alistair is very calm in spite of the attack, except for his
jumpy eye. Whenever speaking to Gunner, Alistair's voice
lightens into the feminine tone he used while disguised as
Alexis.
ALISTAIR
(into radio)
I've planned for this. Help is waiting
for us at the dam. Just keep going,
there's nothing to worry about, alright?
Alistair turns to Ognom, the tic reaching the corner of his
mouth now, his voice deeper and masculine.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
If he tries to stop or turn around, be
sure to run him over, right?
Ognom nods dutifully, not minding that one bit.
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
The Warthog pulls up, banking around for another pass.
INT.SEMI - DAY
Alistair leans out his window, trying to locate the plane
behind them.
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
Twist opens up with the 37mm cannon again, tearing the hell
out of everything, filling the road with debris for the semi
and the Iroc to swerve around.
INT.WARTHOG - DAY
Twist struggles with the unfamiliar controls, trying
unsuccessfully to keep the racing vehicles within his
gunsights.
TWIST
Damn it! Ohhhh, look out!!
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
At five hundred miles an hour, the Warthog quickly overshoots
the cars, nearly sideswiping the Huey hovering nearby.
INT.HELICOPTER - DAY
The Pilot jerks on the collective and the joystick, trying to
keep out of the Warthog's way, cursing.
HELICOPTER PILOT
I can't believe you let him fly that
thing.
Garvin, on the other hand, is wide eyed and laughing.
GARVIN
I can't believe that I didn't take it
myself. Look at that thing go!!
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
The Warthog banks again for a frontal pass.
INT.WARTHOG - DAY
Twist spots a stack of recently chopped cedar logs waiting
pickup on the mountain side, propped up with metal braces and
wire. Twist smiles, and lines the huge tree pile in his
sights.
TWIST
This will be fun.
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
The Warthog pours fire into the mountainside, ripping apart
the logs, causing them to landslide straight down to the
highway.
INT.IROC - DAY
Gunner sees the logs falling down to the road, frantically
jamming the brakes.
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
The tumbling logs crash down on to the highway, one of them
bouncing off the Iroc, smashing it's rear window.
INT.WARTHOG - DAY
TWIST
HaHAAA!! Not so much fun when it's your
turn, huh?
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
Gunner barely keeps the Iroc on the road, passing into a
tunnel. A log bounces off the side of the semi's trailer,
then it too reaches the safety of the tunnel.
The mountain walls are closing in too much for the Warthog to
safely fly between, and the plane pulls up into the sky.
INT.WARTHOG - DAY
TWIST
(into radio)
Hell, I'm sorry, Garvin.
INT.HELICOPTER - DAY
Garvin grabs up the chopper's radio.
GARVIN
Don't worry about it, Jack. We'll hit
them again at the dam. Let's go.
EXT.HOOVER DAM - DAY
The Hoover Dam - one of the greatest singular engineering
triumphs of modern history. At the railing, TOUR GUIDE BOB
is talking to a bunch of STUDENTS on a field trip.
TOUR GUIDE BOB
After the dam was built, it took two
years for Lake Meade to fill up. If the
dam were to suddenly ... disappear? It'd
take six weeks for all the water to empty
out, and it'd flood everything from here
to Las Vegas!
The kids gasp, and Tour Guide Bob smiles, enjoying putting a
little scare into the young'uns.
TOUR GUIDE BOB (CONT'D)
But don't you worry at all. The ole
Hoover isn't going anywhere.
Tour Guide Bob pats the railing confidently. Behind him,
Alistair's semi and Gunner's Iroc screech to a hault, both
emptying machine gun toting terrorists. Tour Guide Bob's jaw
drops and his eyes widen in panic.
TOUR GUIDE BOB (CONT'D)
Holy sweet mother fudgenut supreme!! Oh
God, don't shoot, don't shoot!!
Alistair Hahn strides over, directing his men to start the
attack, revelling in the panic of the civilians.
ALISTAIR
Don't worry, we'll only shoot when we're
pretty sure it's necessary.
Alistair grabs a cowering Tour Guide Bob by the shirt collar,
when the air is filled with a growing thunder. Alistair's
face twitches uncontrollably, and he dives to the ground.
The A-10 roars over the dam, it's shells sending terrorists
scattering everywhere.
INT.WARTHOG - DAY
Twist is immensely enjoying the destructive power of the
Warthog, safe from any machine gun fire in a cockpit armoured
in titanium.
TWIST
Keep running, you scumbags. I'm not
stopping till everyone's full of holes!
EXT.DAM - DAY
From the opposite end of the dam, arrives a black Humvee.
Alistair smiles, raising his walkie talkie.
ALISTAIR
(into radio)
You're late. Would you be so kind as to
take care of our visitor?
RADIO
Affirmative.
SEVERAL TERRORISTS climb out of the Humvee, setting up a
Stinger ground to air missile launcher. Garvin's helicopter
closes in.
INT.HELICOPTER - DAY
GARVIN
(into radio)
Heads up, Jack! They've got missiles.
INT.WARTHOG - DAY
Twist lines up the dam in his gunsights and arms his rocket
pods.
EXT.DAM - DAY
The Warthog launches a barrage of unguided rockets at the
dam, terrific explosions rippling across the entire concrete
wall. Undeterred, the Terrorists line up their Stinger and
launch.
The A-10 immediately banks away, but as destructive a plane
it is, the Warthog is nobody's idea of a manueverable one.
The Stinger missile strikes the A-10, blowing it's tail clean
off.
INT.WARTHOG - DAY
TWIST
Oh shit, I'm dead.
Twist, more out of crazy luck than presence of mind, reaches
back and pulls the ejection handle.
EXT.DAM - DAY
Everyone on the dam dives for cover as the crippled plane
DIVES RIGHT INTO THE DAM WALL, EXPLODING!!
INT.HELICOPTER - DAY
PILOT
Holy shit, what a mess. Did your man
make it out of there.
Garvin scans the skies with his binoculars.
GARVIN
I can't tell yet.
Pilot pulls back on the stick.
PILOT
I'm getting out of here before they start
shooting at us.
EXT.DAM - DAY
Alistair smiles at the helicopter peeling away amidst the
smoke curling up into the sky from their dead agent.
ALISTAIR
(into radio)
People, we are go. Take the dam.
Gunner has rounded up the children.
GUNNER
Do you want us to shoot them?
Alistair thinks, the kids waiting anxiously.
ALISTAIR
Nahhh.
(beat)
Hey, maybe I really am getting better.
Gunner gestures to a cowering Tour Guide Bob.
GUNNER
What about him?
Tour Guide Bob looks up. Huh? Alistair nods, and the others
fire Bob over the dam right into Lake Meade.
Alistair strides towards the dam's entry post, giving orders
on his radio. His voice is calm, but his facial tick has
spread to his shoulder, making his left arm noticeably
jittery.
ALISTAIR
(into radio)
Team Two Leader, release the poisonous
gas into the ventilation system.
Everyone make sure you've got your air
tanks and masks on. Manfred, secure the
tourists in their bus. Alexis, dear,
take Gunner and start unloading the nuke.
Gunner stops and turns at that.
GUNNER
What?
Alistair glares at Gunner, swinging his machine gun around to
back up his orders.
ALISTAIR
I said, take Alexis and start unloading
the nuke. Understand?
Gunner swallows and nods, not believing this.
GUNNER
Yes, sir. Maam. Right away.
One of the terrorists has ripped apart a ventilation grid,
and hooks up a long metal canister of poisonous gas into the
dam's ventilation system.
INT.ENTRY POST - DAY
The door bursts open and the terrorists march through,
sinister and alien with their machine guns and air masks,
flashlights cutting through the fine mist of the gas.
EXT.DAM - MOUNTAIN SIDE - DAY
Twist scrambles to free himself from his parachute. He looks
a little black and blue, but more pissed than hurt. Twist
withdraws his side arm, and proceeds up the rock to the dam.
INT.DAM CORRIDOR - DAY
Alistair reads from a map, directing the terrorists to their
positions. Bodies of dam workers are scattered throughout,
the gas more than effective.
EXT.DAM - ENTRY POST - DAY
Twist spots the gas canister resting against the building.
He stares at the door, deciding.
TWIST
(to himself)
I'm about to walk into certain death,
what's my motivation, what's my
motivation? Hmmm. I'm not being paid
very well, there's no girl to save, I
don't have any relatives in there, the
planet isn't in jeopardy, just LA, and I
mean, God, most people would be rooting
for Alistair just so they can see him
actually nuke the Hoover dam.
Twist actually starts to walk away.
TWIST (CONT'D)
I could hotwire that Humvee, I've been
dying to drive one forever. I'm sure I
could make it to safety in time. And
after LA is all looted and pillaged, I
could still go back and get my stuff.
Twist stops, remembering.
TWIST (CONT'D)
My cat. Oh my gosh, poor little
Humphrey. With a power blackout, Mrs.
MaGillvrey can't use the electric can
opener to feed him his Miss Meow Seafood
Platter. He'll starve.
Twist turns, heading back to the entry post.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Shoot. And I can't let that psycho,
cross dressing, sister banger nuke a
national monument. Somebody is probably
going to be grateful if I stop him, I'm
sure of it.
Twist stops at the door, pistol ready.
TWIST (CONT'D)
And what did he call me? B-grade
Hollywood flake? Well, now that I think
about it, I'm really pissed! You're dead
meat, Alistair Hahn, and I'm making
porkchops.
Twist stops, and frowns.
TWIST (CONT'D)
That sucks. I'm gonna have to improvise
something way cooler to say before I kill
him.
Twist takes a deep breath, holds it, then charges inside.
INT.DAM STAIRWELL - DAY
Twist hustles down a flight of stairs, straining to hold his
breath.
INT.DAM CORRIDOR - DAY
A Terrorist searches through the pockets of a dam worker on
the floor. He retrieves forty bucks from the man's wallet
and grins. Suddenly, his air mask is ripped off, and the
terrorist is punched unconscious by a red faced Twist.
INT.TURBINE CONTROL ROOM - DAY
Amidst the huge electronic panels to monitor and control
Hoover Dam's hydro electric turbines, Gunner and the other
terrorists work to set up the nuclear bomb.
Alistair supervises, holding up his radio.
ALISTAIR
(into radio)
Post One? Post One, do you copy?
(static)
I say again, Post One, answer me.
Alistair points at Ognom, who nods and leaves.
INT.KITCHEN - DAY
Twist searches the kitchen, armed with the terrorist's air
mask and machine gun. It's empty, and Twist is about to
leave when Ognom walks in.
Deceivingly fast for such a big man, Ognom lashes out and
smacks the machine gun from Twist's hands.
TWIST
Oh, hey there, big fella. I was just
making myself a sandwich. Want one?
Ognom extends his arms and locks his wrists, again turning
his arm braces into battering rams. Ognom charges, flailing
at Twist.
Half his size, Twist ducks and dodges, Ognom punching holes
right into the concrete walls and metal tables.
OGNOM
I'm going to kill you and everyone that's
ever met you, you bastard!
Ognom is just losing it, frothing and going bonko. Twist
can't get to either the door or his gun.
TWIST
Hey, I know I'm the good guy and I've
violated your secret lair, but shouldn't
you be subduing me and placing me in a
highly elaborate, easy to escape from
restraint?
Ognom snatches Twist by the arm and pulls him close. It's
awkward with his braces, but he tries to yank Twist's mask
off. Twist struggles to hold Ognom back, losing.
OGNOM
I'm going to pull your heart out through
your intestines!
Twist's face contorts with his effort.
TWIST
Jeez, what did I ever do to you?
Ognom relaxes his grip on Twist, his eyes welling up with
tears.
OGNOM
You killed my mommy!! And now you're
trying to hurt my daddy!! Why can't you
just leave them alone!!
Twist is totally stunned.
TWIST
They're ... your PARENTS?
Ognom unlocks his braces, and holds up Twist's hand.
OGNOM
My mommy never hurt anyone. And you
killed her!
Ognom pulls off his mask, takes Twist's hand and BITES INTO
IT! Twist screams out in immense pain and yanks his hand
free. Ognom, tearful and enraged, charges.
Twist takes a step back and lays into him with his hardest
punch. Ognom takes the punch right in the nose, and is
actually knocked back a step.
Twist is white with pain, clutching his hand.
TWIST
(weakly)
Wrong hand.
Ognom dives for Twist, who dodges. Ognom trips over the body
of the kitchen's dead cook, goes flying right onto a hot
grill.
Ognom burns his hands, screaming, and pushes himself away.
Twist grabs a hanging frying pan, and laces into the back of
Ognom's head.
Ognom is back on the grill. Twist hammers him repeatedly,
till he collapses and is properly cooked. Twist drags Ognom
off the grill, who slumps to the floor in a huge cloud of
hideous smoke.
Twist turns to see Garvin burst into the room, wearing an
airmask.
GARVIN
Jesus, are you alright?
TWIST
Remember when we thought this couldn't
get any weirder? Well, wait till I tell
you this one.
Ognom leaps to his feet, his face, hands, and chest a
terrible mess of blackened and burnt flesh!!
OGNOM
AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
Twist cowers, and Garvin unloads his machine gun into the
hulk, dropping him into a finally dead pile of toasted
henchman.
GARVIN
Good Lord, what the hell did you do to
him?
TWIST
He wouldn't tell me where the bomb was,
so I had to grill it out of him.
Twist laughs and does a vaudevillian bow. Garvin winces,
almost ready to smack him, and they leave.
EXT.DAM WALL - DAY
The wreckage of Twist's A-10 is skewered into the face of the
dam, still smoking. Continuing from this point of impact and
all of Twist's missile strikes, serious cracks are spreading
throughout the mountainously thick concrete. An ominous
rumble courses through the structure.
INT.TURBINE ROOM - DAY
Alistair checks his watch and gestures to Gunner and the
others.
ALISTAIR
The gas should've dispersed by now. You
can take off your mask.
Alistair goes to remove his mask, then waits as Gunner takes
off his. Gunner takes a hesitant breath, notices a grinning
Alistair still wearing his, then scrambles to put his mask
back on.
Alistair laughs and takes his mask off, throwing it to a
pissed Gunner.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
Gentlemen, it's time.
INT.DAM CORRIDOR - DAY
Twist and Garvin wait outside the turbine room door, guns
ready. Garvin is impressive looking with his combat gear,
air mask, and machine gun.
TWIST
Hey there, old timer, you're looking
good.
GARVIN
I wasn't always just a little old guy.
You ready to go in there?
TWIST
Yes, sir. Let's rock.
INT.TURBINE ROOM - DAY
Twist and Garvin burst into the room, machine guns leveled.
GARVIN
Everybody down now!!!! Put your weapons
on the deck - Do it!!
Gunner has no such intention and raises his weapon. Before
anyone can even react, Garvin has placed a three shot burst
into Gunner's forehead, dropping him like a stone.
Twist laughs a frightened chuckle at this insight into little
lovable Garvin.
Alistair and the others set their guns down. Seeing them
without their airmasks, Twist and Garvin take off theirs.
TWIST
So, which one of you ended up in the
parking lot?
ALISTAIR
The nice one.
Alistair holds up his radio, and Garvin instantly sights in
on him.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
I just need to inform the rest of my men
that we're surrendering. Perhaps you can
do it for me.
Alistair hands the radio to Garvin with a devilish smile.
Garvin takes the radio with a grimace.
GARVIN
(into radio)
Whoever you are, you're under arrest.
Stand down immediately.
RADIO
(child's voice)
Hhhhhi. My name's Bbbbbobby. I'm a
deputy.
(Manfred's voice)
That's right, Bobby's my deputy. I've
got a whole tour bus full of little
deputies up here. Surrender immediately
or the tour guide's going back into the
water ...
(Tour Guide Bob howls in the
background)
... along with a lot of dead little
deputies. Understand? Put Alistair back
on.
Garvin hands the radio back to Alistair, and then his gun.
The other terrorists yank Twist's gun away, gesturing for the
two of them to back up.
Unseen by anyone, a crack appears in the ceiling.
TWIST
Well, this part of the plan sucks.
GARVIN
Everything about this plan sucked, Jack.
This is just the logical conclusion.
Alistair steadies his twitching hand and sets the timer on
the nuclear bomb, the LED readout counting down from sixty
minutes. He whispers sweet nothings to the sleek, ominous
looking device, rubbing it's metal casing affectionately.
ALISTAIR
Well, gentlemen, we hate to kill and run,
but we have a plane to catch. We've got
a great spot picked out to watch this,
twenty thousand feet up.
TWIST
I've been dying to ask you something.
Why do you do all this?
Alistair laughs dismissively at Twist.
ALISTAIR
Please, an armchair psychological
discussion with an untalented actor
desperately clinging to the hope he might
live a little longer? We're bored just
thinking about it.
Alistair readies his machine gun.
TWIST
Give me a break. You're dying to tell
someone. Amaze me with your insights.
Alistair twitches, his eyes dancing. He actually is dying to
brag about this.
ALISTAIR
Father once told us that divinity isn't
in the creation, it's in the creating.
God creates disasters, He is divine. The
world turns in our hands as we spin it.
Now, we are divine.
TWIST
We? Unless there's another little
Alistair waiting to burst out of your
chest, I just see the one of you.
ALISTAIR
(Alexis's voice)
Shutup!!
Twist laughs, shaking his head.
TWIST
Someone took your suckee when you were a
baby, and now we all pay, huh?
Alistair, remembering.
ALISTAIR
As a matter of fact, yes. We've tried
very hard to be moral in our divinity,
and now you've left us no choice but to
kill you. Ten years of therapy shot to
hell - Thank you very much.
GARVIN
Careful, your psyche is showing.
TWIST
That would be YOUR psyches ARE showing.
Alistair readies his machine gun to shred Twist. The wall
fills with cracks behind him as his eyes blaze.
ALISTAIR
Our therapist says that we have trouble
dealing with rejection. Wouldn't you
agree?
The other terrorists stand ready, waiting to hear this.
Twist grins, obliging him.
TWIST
I'd say you're a few bolts short of a
Frankenstein, pal.
Alistair and his henchmen chuckle at this, upgrading to full
out laughter. Pretty funny for a dead guy.
ALISTAIR
That's not bad. We'll put that one on
your tombstone.
Alistair is about to kill Twist and Garvin. Then the cracked
wall gives way, a pipe bursts through and SKEWERS ALISTAIR
THROUGH THE CHEST!!
The whole room starts to shake, plaster falling from ceiling.
Twist and Garvin dive for cover.
The terrorists look at each other and bolt from the room,
locking the door with Twist and Garvin inside.
EXT.DAM - DAY
The reverberations of the dam coming apart are shaking the
surface and the vehicles scattered about.
INT.TOUR BUS - DAY
Manfred steadies himself in the rattling bus. Panicking, he
throws open the door and runs. The kids pour out of the bus,
dragging a crying and screaming Tour Guide Bob by the hand,
heading up the road away from the dam.
INT.TURBINE ROOM - DAY
Twist uses a machine gun to try and shoot through the locked
door, while Garvin works on the bomb's timer.
INT.DAM CORRIDOR - DAY
The terrorists try to push each other out of the way, when
the wall erupts and a huge wave of water smashes into them,
filling the corridor.
INT.TURBINE ROOM - DAY
Garvin and Twist stop, listening.
EXT.DAM - DAY
The road cracks and splits open and THE TOP OF THE DAM
LITERALLY RIPS APART under the tremendous stress, the
billions of gallons of Lake Meade anxious to be free.
Manfred screams as he falls into the fissure, crushed beneath
the torn concrete.
INT.TURBINE ROOM - DAY
The room shakes wildly, and a roar fills the air. The walls
have cracked, and are spraying water.
GARVIN AND TWIST
OH SHIT!!!
Garvin and Twist scramble for their air masks, when the room
EXPLODES AND FILLS WITH WATER.
EXT.DAM - DAY
The computer animation of the Hoover Dam exploding was
nothing compared to the conflagration now erupting.
The top of the dam has completely crumbled away, and Lake
Meade, imprisoned for sixty years, once again floods the
Nevada mountains.
An immense tidal wave of unthinkable energy sweeps along,
ripping into the canyon walls, relentless and unstoppable.
Amidst all the clutter of the dying Hoover Dam being washed
away, miraculously appears ... JACK TWIST!
Twist clings to a distinctive piece of machinery, the nuclear
bomb. Twist's air mask and tank are gone, and he struggles
to climb on top of the bomb as it torpedoes through the
rushing water.
Soaking wet, Twist crouches on top of the bomb, continuing to
ride it. The bomb is staying buoyant, and Twist smiles.
Insanely, he slowly stands, his feet well braced in the
bomb's carrying handles.
TWIST
I'M STILL ALIVE!!! YAHOO!!!!
Twist circles one hand in the air like a cowboy roping a
bronco as he surfs the ten megaton nuclear bomb down the
newly formed white water rapids of Nevada.
EXT.NEVADA DESERT - DAY
The water finally peters out, and the bomb coasts to a stop,
the last of the water gently spreading out to the parched
Nevada desert.
Twist climbs down, taking off his soaked jacked, smiling up
at the sun.
TWIST
Now THAT was fun.
Twist pats the bomb casing, looking down inside at the timer.
TIMER
Reads 00:30
Twist's face drops.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Oh shit, that's right.
Twist vainly searches his pockets for a pair of wire cutters.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Oh God, this can't be happening.
Twist reaches in and pulls up some of the timer's wires.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Which one, which one?
Selecting a red wire, Twist grimaces and leans down to chew
it apart. For his trouble, he gets an electric shock. And
the timer's still going.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Damn!
Twist winces, and chews another wire. Another shock, timer's
still going.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Oh, for the love of ...
Twist takes a big mouthful of wires and bites down, sparks
flying everywhere. The pain is too much, and he spits it all
out, his hair standing straight up.
TIMER
Reads 00:02
Twist gasps, and for all the good it does, crouches down with
his ears covered.
TWIST (CONT'D)
(whispers)
Mommy.
A hand taps Twist on the shoulder. He looks up to see a
water logged, but still alive Garvin.
GARVIN
Hi. You okay?
TWIST
The bomb's gonna blow! Get down!
Garvin checks the bomb, then Twist, frowning at the rubber
wire insulation stuck between his teeth.
GARVIN
I disarmed the bomb before the dam blew.
I just didn't shut off the timer. Sorry.
Twist stands, frowning and touching his charred, sore mouth.
Garvin laughs, patting Twist on the back.
GARVIN (CONT'D)
Good work, anyways.
The two men are now laughing so hard they have to hold each
other up.
TWIST (V.O.)
Hey, did you see me surfing?
EXT.HIGHWAY - DAY
Twist and Garvin ride in the back of a rickety old pickup
truck, the nuclear bomb beside them.
GARVIN (V.O.)
Yeah, I did.
TWIST (V.O.)
Did I look good?
GARVIN (V.O.)
You looked like a star.
TWIST (V.O.)
Cooooool.
EXT.HOLLYWOOD - STUDIO LOT - DAY
A familiar bronze Jaguar pulls onto the lot, parking in a lot
packed with BMW's and Porches.
INT.STUDIO A - DAY
Garvin walks onto a film set that suspiciously looks like the
turbine room of the Hoover Dam. He spots Twist sitting
amongst a very busy crew of two hundred people.
Twist stands, removing his sunglasses and setting his bottle
of Evian down.
TWIST
Garvin, my man! Looking good.
Garvin shrugs and smiles.
GARVIN
I have to give the suit and the car back
today, and then I'm officially retired.
The FILM'S SCREENWRITER interrupts, a goofy looking red
headed kid who looks like he just got off the bus from Moose
Crotch, Saskatchewan.
SCREENWRITER
Mr. Twist, did you get my new pages?
TWIST
Yeah, I wiped my ass up one side and down
the other with them. Next time, try
ripping off a movie that everyone on the
planet HASN'T seen already.
Garvin watches the beleaguered writer scuttle away.
GARVIN
Think you'll ever get tired of this and
come back to the agency?
TWIST
No chance. All you guys do is lie and
manipulate people. I couldn't handle
that.
CINDY CRAWFORD interrupts.
CINDY
Jack, I'm having second thoughts about us
having to do this scene naked.
TWIST
Cindy, this is a crucial scene. We're
supposed to be vulnerable and alone.
Even our emotions are naked.
CINDY
We're supposed to be playing ping pong.
TWIST
Right. Vulnerable and naked ping pong.
Get it?
Cindy frowns deep in thought, holding a finger up for Twist
to give her a moment.
Garvin smirks, and Twist shrugs that he get's the point.
TWIST (CONT'D)
Besides, movies are all fake.
A SPECIAL EFFECTS GUY passes between Twist and Garvin,
carrying a prop steam pipe.
SPECIAL EFFECTS GUY
(to himself)
And so a steam pipe bursts through the
dam wall and kills the bad guy? What a
piece of shit this is. I could've been a
dildo wrangler on BASIC INSTINCT TWO, but
nooooo.
Twist frowns at the grumbling peon, continuing.
TWIST
Being a spy all the time, I'd go nuts
waiting for some badguy to pop up at the
end to get me for real.
Across the set, cinematographer DARIUS KHONDJI dresses down a
GRIP. Before either man can react, ALISTAIR HAHN STEPS OUT
OF THE SHADOWS, slitting both of their throats.
Looking like a resurrected corpse, Alistair pulls out a
pistol, taking aim at the back of Twist's head.
ALISTAIR
Exuent flourish, Mister Actor.
Garvin spots Alistair, and pushes Twist to the ground.
Garvin grabs the prop pipe out of the Effects guy's hands,
and chucks it like a javelin. Alistair easily ducks the
pipe.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
That was about the lamest ...
The pipe sails right past Alistair into a detonator sitting
on a stack of pyro charges with a sign reading DON'T EVEN
THINK ABOUT TOUCHING THIS.
The pyro charges explode, enveloping Alistair.
ALISTAIR (CONT'D)
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Alistair is set ablaze, and he staggers onto the middle of
the set. The SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM rush out with their fire
extinguishers, smothering the fiery lump in a cloud of
haylon.
This is all to the amazement of the bystanding crew. OLIVER
STONE steps out onto the set.
STONE
Did anybody get that?
Silence.
STONE (CONT'D)
Ten goddamn cameras sitting here at two
hundred thousand fucking dollars a day,
and noone filmed that!!
Stone storms off the set, kicking crates and light standards
out of his way.
Garvin picks Twist up, brushing off his suit. Twist is more
than impressed.
TWIST
You're amazing! How can you retire
again?
GARVIN
Again?
TWIST
Yeah. You retire after every mission in
disgrace and then reappear in the agency
with a whole new identity.
Twist smiles at the stunned expression on Garvin's face. He
finally got him.
TWIST (CONT'D)
I'm an actor, hello. I researched this
role thoroughly. With a little help, of
course, from an agency secretary who's a
big fan of mine, and squeaks in bed. I
learned all kinds of stuff about you.
Garvin eyes Twist, checking to see if anyone's in ear range,
surreptitiously drawing his sidearm!
TWIST (CONT'D)
In fact, I saw a memo on how Ian Fleming
was detained and questioned after writing
a series of spy novels that the agency
charged were based on one of their
agents. You.
Garvin stares at Twist, and in the air hangs a guitar playing
a very familiar spy movie theme song. Garvin holsters his
gun, without Twist noticing. He then smiles and holds a
finger to his lips.
GARVIN
Ssshh. You'll give away the ending to
the movie.
Garvin and Twist walk off the movie set. In the background,
a voice calls out.
DIRECTOR
Aaaaaannnndddd ... cut! That's lunch.
FADE OUT:
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