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                        SimplyNoir

An incendiary fantasy conceived and written in good fun

                           By

                   Robert Glenn Newcomer

                           &

                     George Willson




FADE IN:

EXT. THE CITY OF SPECTOWN - NIGHT

Raining, of course.

A MAN in a trench coat and fedora walks down the sidewalk
dodging puddles. The collar of his coat is turned up,
concealing his face in shadow.

A car drives by, hitting a puddle and dousing the man. He
stops for just a moment, looking after the car.

The man is startled by A HUGE CRASH O.S.

He turns to find a large grand piano smashed on the pavement
right next to him -- where he would have been had he
continued walking for just a moment more.

The man looks up. A sweet-looking four-year-old girl waves
down a high window in the building next to him.

			LITTLE GIRL
	Sorry!

LIGHTNING FLASHES, finally revealing the man's face -- the
grim, chiseled features of WESLEY, PRIVATE DICK.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	I knew it was going to be one of
	those cases right from the start haha.

Wesley turns and continues down the street, pulling a note
from his pocket and glancing at the paper.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	I'd received a note from a man
	known only as "Don" right before
	SimplyScripts went straight to hell
	you know the routine first it's
	just a couple of newbies but soon
	everything is "we see" this and "the
	camera shows" that and then its all
	downhill from there.

Another car drives by hitting another puddle, dousing Wesley
once more. He continues walking as if nothing happened.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	They say that Don can take away
	your existence without leaving
	his living room but something
	had him spooked pretty bad and he
	would have to be spooked to ask
	for my help haha. So that's what
	I was doing down here in SpecTown...

Wesley stops and looks around.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	...and I hate coming to SpecTown.

A half dozen Freddy Kruegers wander along the sidewalk. One
is walking a dog. Another is reading a newspaper. A large
ad on the back page proclaims "#747: Coming January 2006!"

Several incarnations of Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees can
also be seen, in addition to a wide assortment of zombies
that lumber aimlessly down the center of the street.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	There are plenty of lost souls
	down here in SpecTown. There is
	a little drama sometimes and
	occasionally a little comedy...

Wesley watches a moaning zombie walk past, carrying a bag of
groceries.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	...but mostly it's a horror show.

Another car drives by dousing Wesley in another flood of
water.

EXT. A TALL BUILDING - NIGHT

Wesley stops in front of a building that looks like Trump
Tower. Five bright gold stars sit above the entrance.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	Don lived in the only nice building
	in SpecTown. I couldn't imagine
	what such a powerful man would be so
	frightened of, but he was scared
	that's for sure...

Wesley knocks at the door -- and it swings wide open on
creaking hinges. Unlocked. Wesley frowns. Another
LIGHTNING FLASH, followed by RUMBLING THUNDER.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	...and something smelled rotten...
	rotten like a fresh episode of
	"The A-List" on a hot summer day.

Wesley continues inside.

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS CONTROL CENTER

Blinking consoles and the gentle whir of computer drives.

Wesley makes his way between row after row of computers. He
turns a corner and makes a disgusted grimace.

			WESLEY
	How freakin' cliché!

Don is slumped across his keyboard. Murdered. A pencil is
jammed between his shoulder blades.

This pencil has been speared through a note. Wesley steps
over and rips the note from Don's back.

INSERT NOTE

	"You camp band me script masters my golden
	chance I no mask burns out my writing grows
	looks goon right?"

BACK TO SCENE

Wesley studies the note intently.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	A note from the killer toying
	with me their identity cleverly
	concealed in this note the genius
	of the mind behind this diabolical
	plot was indisputable haha.

Now Wesley pockets the note. With a last look at Don's
carcass, Wesley turns to leave.

EXT. SPECTOWN - NIGHT

A belching VW minibus with a Bruce Lee mural painted on the
side rattles down the street.

A shredded poster that reads "#747: Coming November 12th"
has been stapled to a nearby lamppost.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	This criminal mastermind was
	shrewd indeed but they were no
	match for my razor sharp intellect...

INT. WESLEY'S VW MINIBUS - NIGHT

Wesley pulls a handful of CDs from the glove compartment.
He frowns at a 3.5" diskette mixed in with the discs.

INSERT DISK

It is labeled "The only copy of #747 in the world -- really!
Love, Olga."

BACK TO SCENE

Wesley flips the disc out the window.

EXT. ROAD

The disk clatters onto the pavement. A young boy peers out
from the bushes beside the road. It is CURSE.

He creeps into the road and picks up the disk. A look of
sheer ecstasy crosses his face, like Gollum with his ring.
He leaps with joy and exultation.

			CURSE
	Yes! I found it! My precious...

Suddenly -- headlights! A bus BLARES its horn.

The bus SMASHES into Curse, and he is gone. The disk sails
through the air and clatters onto the sidewalk.

A MAN walking a PUG stops at the disk. The Pug sniffs the
disk for a moment. Then eats it. They continue onward.

INT. WESLEY'S FLOWER POWER VAN - NIGHT

Wesley slides one of the CDs into his sweet sound system.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	..."looks goon" the note had said
	but I know better and looks Goonie
	is more like it...

Wesley grins as Cyndi Lauper's "Goonies Are Good Enough"
blares from his 2.5" electrical-taped-to-the-ceiling
speakers.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

The VW pulls up to the curb. With a cough and sputter, it
diesels off.

Wesley steps out of the van and makes his way to a nearby
house -- a strange house -- in that it has been modified so
as to resemble a pirate ship under full sail.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	I'd seen this dame around she
	was quite a dish with raven hair
	and hazel eyes that would make
	a grown man beg for an egg
	salad sandwich haha.

Wesley rings the doorbell, which SQUAWKS like a parrot.

The door swings open to reveal ANDY PETROU, a woman wearing
an eye patch and a pirate's hat.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	It's too bad the broad was
	completely insane.

Andy raises a gleaming cutlass.
	
			ANDY
	Ahhr! I'll be buying none of
	yer scurvy magazines tonight!

She swings the cutlass. Wesley ducks. The sword sails
wide, burying itself deep into the wood of the doorframe.

Andy tugs at the sword, now stuck in the wood.

Wesley looks up in horror at Andy before leaping up and
running away, screaming like a little girl.

			ANDY
	That's right! Run! And if'n
	I ever catch ye round the
	Goon docks again, it'll be a
	keel-haulin' fer ye.

INT. WESLEY'S SWEET VAN - NIGHT

Still sweating, Wesley steers the van down the street. He
pulls the killer's note from his pocket.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	I figured that a pencil didn't
	exactly figure as her style so
	I figured that maybe I'd figured
	wrong but what a figure haha.

Wesley sees something in the note. He slows the van and
pulls over, stroking his chin as an idea takes form.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	No...I saw it now..."golden chance"
	it said but it wasn't golden at all
	it was more like a banana color...
	a banana chance or not even that
	but more like a Banana Chan!

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Wesley bangs on the door of an apartment.

			WESLEY
	Open up, Mr. Holman. We need to
	talk about Don.

The door opens and ALAN HOLMAN pokes his head out from
inside. He is eating a banana.

Wesley punches an accusatory finger into Alan's chest,
driving him back.

			WESLEY
	So where were you last
	night, Alan?

			ALAN
	Banana Chan.

			WESLEY
	That sounds pretty convenient
	and I suppose somebody can
	vouch for that story?

			ALAN
	Banana Chan. Banana Chan.

			WESLEY
	And you expect me to believe
	that?

			ALAN
	Banana Chan!

Alan slams the door.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	Well, his alibi seemed pretty
	airtight so maybe I needed to
	have another look at that note.

EXT. TRAILER PARK - NIGHT

Wesley's ninja mobile is rolling slowly between the units.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	As I drove past the trailer park
	it occurred to me that it was
	Saturday night. "No mask" the note
	said but no Masquerade is what it
	meant so it could only be one girl
	and the killer seemed so obvious now
	because she could do it too haha.

Wesley pulls up to one of the units.

EXT. WESLEY'S NINJA MOBILE

As Wesley steps from the van two teenage girls race past
him, chased by a snarling German Shepherd.

Wesley gives the dog a friendly smack on the rump as it
races by.

			WESLEY
	Go get ‘em boy haha!

EXT. TRAILER

Wesley steps up and bangs on the door.

			WESLEY
	Ms. Keller? I am here to ask
	you a few questions about a man
	named Don.

The door opens abruptly. A cantaloupe flies out, striking
Wesley in the head.

Then the door slams shut.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	I figured maybe I would get back
	to her later haha.

INT. WESLEY'S FINE-LOOKIN' RIDE - NIGHT

Wesley is steering the van, still deep in thought, when
something catches his eye.

He slams on the brakes.

EXT. ROAD

Wesley's van skids to a stop. A secluded trail cuts off
from the road deep into the trees. A flickering bonfire can
be seen in the distance down this path.

INT. WESLEY'S SWEET RIDE

Wesley lifts a pair of binoculars, looking towards the fire.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	How did I miss it that "camp band"
	is an obvious reference to American
	Pie full of underage drinking and
	sex and breasts hopefully in even
	numbers haha.

EXT. WOODS

Wesley pulls up to the bonfire, which is at the center of a
keg party in full swing -- a veritable army of staggering
teens, not unlike the zombies seen earlier.

EXT. WESLEY'S WHEN-ROCKIN'-NO-KNOCKIN' MACHINE

Wesley steps out of the van. HIGGONAITOR rushes over and
vomits on Wesley's shoes before collapsing to the ground.

Wesley wipes his shoes on Higg's shirt before walking off
towards the party.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	Goddam that Jack Black you know
	he can't hold his liquor haha.

EXT. KEG PARTY

Wesley approaches the keg, where ANDREW ROMANCE, HERETIC,
AND TOPHER are standing guard with several girls draped
across their shoulders.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	It was a pretty ugly crew at this
	party with uglier dames you know
	the type gum-snapping bare-midriff
	waifs that would look right at home
	working the counter at an independent
	used record shop in Transylvania
	and I think one has three breasts
	so much for even numbers haha.

They all turn as Wesley approaches the keg.

			ANDREW
	Hey...you got a cup?

Wesley glances down at his pants and then looks at Andrew.

			WESLEY
	No...

			HERETIC
	You need a yellow cup.

			WESLEY
	Those have got to be the ugliest
	girls I have ever seen.

They all frown at this. Topher pulls a Glock from his
jacket.

			TOPHER
	I don't think I like this
	Private Dick's attitude.

			WESLEY
	Oh did I say that out loud haha?

Now Andrew and Heretic exchange nods. Andrew pulls a Model
500. Heretic pulls a Desert Eagle.

			HERETIC
	He's needed an attitude adjustment
	for years.

			ANDREW
	And we're just the ones to give
	it to him.

Wesley puts up his hands and backs off.

			WESLEY
	Hey OK settle down I see they're
	actually cute now it must have
	just been the light from the
	fire haha.

One of the Butt-Ugly Girls slinks up to him and hangs on
him. Wesley's expression drops to one of horrified disgust.

			BUTT-UGLY GIRL
	Tell me I'm beautiful.

			WESLEY
	Uh...

			TOPHER
	Tell her!

CLICK! goes the hammer.

			WESLEY
	Uh, well...there's no one
	like you it seems haha.

Wesley continues to back away, but then hears BANGING from
the trunk of a nearby car.

Wesley narrows his eyes at the group surrounding the keg,
suspicious now. He pushes the Girl away.

			WESLEY
		(nods to the car)
	So what's going on here I don't
	suppose this has anything to do
	with Don's murder does it?

			ANDREW
	What? No way! Don's been
	murdered?

			TOPHER
	We don't know anything about it.
	
			WESLEY
	So what's with all the banging
	going on in this trunk it sounds
	pretty suspicious to me.

			HERETIC
		(tosses Wes his keys)
	You tell me.

Wesley snags the keys, wary now, and turns to the trunk. He
inserts the key and pops it open.

INT. TRUNK

Inside the trunk is BIGWHOOP, hog-tied and terrified, with
his eyes as big as saucers.

			BIGWHOOP
	Oh, thank God! You gotta' help
	me, man! These guys are-

BAM! Wesley slams the trunk closed.

He turns back to the guys. He tosses the keys back to
Heretic.

			WESLEY
	I guess I misjudged you guys you
	seem pretty cool and everything
	seems to be fine here so you guys
	just keep on having a good time.

With a nod of approval, Wesley turns to leave.

EXT. WESLEY'S PADDY WAGON

Returning to his van, Wesley snatches a flier from off his
windshield. The flier reads "#747: Coming Summer 2006!"
Wesley crumples the flier and drops it onto Higg, who is
snoring quite loudly now.

INT. THE WESLEYMOBILE

Wesley inserts another CD into the player. Tom Jones
singing "Thunderball".

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	So once more I return to the
	mysterious letter and its
	unfathomable clues but then
	it hit me of course "golden
	chance I" and I suppose there was
	no chance that meant Golden I as
	in Goldeneye and that could only
	mean one person.

EXT. A DARK PART OF TOWN - NIGHT

Wesley parks, exiting his Ninja Mobile.

Above him, a person hangs onto the side of a wall leering
down at him for a moment before skittering away.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	Nobody comes down here because
	sometimes his imagination reaches
	too far beyond the written page
	yeah this guy's crazy haha.

EXT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT

Wesley approaches a large seven-story fortress reaching like
a stacked pyramid into the sky.

He depresses the doorbell and the James Bond theme plays
loud and long. All of it. About a minute and a half.
Wesley appears bored and annoyed.

The door swings open. A man of about 45 stands in the
doorway, dressed in a long black coat, dark trousers and
shirt, metal gauntlets on his wrists and ankles, and a sword
strapped to his back. This is DAVID TAYLOR.

			DAVID
	Yes, what do you want?

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	This guy had killer written
	all over him and who wears
	gauntlets anyways I mean that
	is so 70's and he looks like he
	wants to kick my - aaaaaaaaah!

INT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT

David grabs Wesley and tosses him inside the building.
Wesley thumps against a wall. David stands close to him.

			DAVID
	What is your purpose here?

Wesley glances to one side. In a dark room lit by candles
sits a lone person, chained to a desk containing a computer.
The fierce CLATTER of a keyboard being typed to death sounds
across the room.

			WESLEY
	Is he ok?

			DAVID
	He doesn't like to be disturbed.

Wesley approaches the fierce typer and circles the desk.
The typer is breathing heavily. His eyes glow bright red,
unblinking as words trail across the screen.

He appears to be around 30, with day-old whiskers and a
month-old haircut. He is dressed in a ragged T-shirt and
dirty jeans. This pathetic creature is GEORGE WILLSON.

			WESLEY
	George Willson somehow I pictured
	more well no I guess this is
	probably about right haha.

George swings around and HISSES at Wesley -- inhuman. He
immediately returns to typing. Wesley backs up and stands
next to David, wide-eyed.

			DAVID
	He won't be disturbed when he
	writes about my people. Come
	back later. Maybe then he will
	speak to you.

			WESLEY
	Uh, sure no problem maybe
	then haha.

EXT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT

Wesley exits the building, then waits about five seconds
before turning around and pressing the doorbell again.
This time, it gives a resounding "ding-dong." The door
swings open.

			DAVID
	Ah, you're back.

			WESLEY
	Is this a good time?

			DAVID
	Yes, he's waiting for you.

INT. THE DARK FORTRESS

Wesley enters and walks into the study, now lit with
overhead lighting. The computer is off. George Willson is
sitting in a highback chair with a cocktail glass.

Dressed in a black suit with a fresh haircut and shave, he
reads from a book of Poe. He looks up as Wesley enters.

			GEORGE
	Ah, Wesley, Private Dick.
	Welcome. How are you?

			WESLEY
	I've had Better Days but how
	did you change the...?

			GEORGE
	What can I do for you?

			WESLEY
	It's Don. He's dead.

			GEORGE
		(emotionless)
	Goodness, that's terrible.
	Vodka martini?

			WESLEY
	No thank you but do you know
	anything about it?

			GEORGE
	No, why would I? Mint Julep?
	
			WESLEY
	No thanks I'm fine but were you
	here all night?

			GEORGE
	As far as I know. Piña Colada?

			WESLEY
	No thanks but have you heard
	anything about any uprisings
	in SpecTown?

			GEORGE
	The cost of Vodka went up.

			WESLEY
	No I mean about the case.
	
			GEORGE
	Yes, cases are expensive. I
	have to buy it by the bottle.

			WESLEY
	No about Don.

			GEORGE
	Corleone?

			WESLEY
	No our Don I mean the admin.
	
			GEORGE
	The admin? I don't know that
	one, but perhaps a Daiquiri?

			WESLEY
	No thanks but I can't stand any
	more of this so just kill me now.

			GEORGE
	I know that one! Three ounces
	each of Tequila, 151 Proof Rum,
	Vodka (which is still expensive),
	and Gin, along with 2 ounces of
	Amaretto.

Wesley regards George with a cold stare.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	This guy was clearly too
	scatterbrained to have done
	anything no way he could have
	pulled off such an insidious
	crime.

			GEORGE
	Don't be so sure of that.

Wesley blinks at this. David appears behind Wesley.

			DAVID
	It's time for you to leave.
	
			WESLEY
		(turning)
	It is?

			DAVID
	Yes.

Wesley turns back to the study. It has returned to its
former state. George is disheveled once more and chained to
his computer.

			DAVID
	If a crime occurred, you can
	trust that he had nothing to
	do with it.

Wesley walks around David, never taking his eyes from him.

			WESLEY
	Excuse me for saying exactly
	what I'm thinking but this is
	messed up!

			DAVID
	Welcome to his world.

Wesley exits. David slams the door behind him.

EXT. THE DARK FORTRESS - NIGHT

Wesley walks down the street at a hastened pace towards his
van. He glances overhead. The person sits on the wall
again, staring...smiling.

Wesley breaks into a run.

INT. WESLEY'S LOVE MACHINE

Wesley leaps into his sweet ride, slams the door and nails
the gas. It screeches off into the night.

			WESLEY
	Note to self remind me never
	to go back there again I mean
	some people are better off left
	alone and in fact that sequence
	was so long it really feels more
	like self-promotion more than
	anything else and he should
	probably be ashamed of himself and
	now I'm so disturbed I'm not even
	using my cool internal dialogue.
		(V.O. now)
	Ahh...that's better haha.

EXT. SPECTOWN - NIGHT

The rain continues as the van heads towards a large wooden
structure -- an enormous windmill sandwiched between the
brothels and liquor stores.

The blades spin wildly in the storm.

INT. WESLEY'S MAGICAL MYSTERY MACHINE - NIGHT

Wesley skids to a halt as the pavement turns into gravel.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	The note said "my writing grows"
	and writing that sick probably
	grows on a Farm and so now the
	meaning buried in the note was
	clear...

Wesley exits his magic machine and approaches the windmill.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	...and don't even get me started
	on pencils haha.

EXT. BERT'S WINDMILL - NIGHT

Wesley knocks on the door. The blades churn madly over his
head. The door creaks open and a haggard-looking man, BERT,
peers out.

			BERT
	You should never have come here.

			WESLEY
	I've come to see the girl and
	don't try to give me the
	runaround either because...

Suddenly, ANGEL springs from the bushes beside the door and
stabs Wesley in the ass with a pencil.

			WESLEY
	Ahh!!

Then she runs inside, disappearing into the windmill.
Wesley winces as he pulls the pencil from his butt.

			WESLEY
	Man you know that really hurts!

			BERT
	I told you that you shouldn't
	have come.

Bert snatches the pencil from Wesley.

			BERT
	That's mine.

Bert slams the door.

INT. WESLEY'S MAGIC BUS - NIGHT

Wesley gingerly lowers his butt into the seat.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	Ouch man that is probably going
	to need a Band-Aid maybe I'll
	check back with that creep but
	over the phone next time haha.

Wesley starts the van and blasts away.

INT. WESLEY'S CHICK MAGNET - LATER

The windshield wipers struggle against what has now become a
driving rain.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	Another dead end but I knew the
	clue that would crack this case
	had to be right in front of me...
		(hits a pothole
		and winces)
	...and now I've got a dead end
	next to my crack haha.

Wesley slams on the brakes.

Lights flash in his eyes. And on the windshield.

The lights are from a garish sign, blinking off and on
through the rain-soaked night like a malevolent beacon.
The sign reads "DOGGLEBE'S".

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	Of course when the note said
	"burns out" it could only have
	meant Burnout and there was only
	one person evil enough to pull
	this off like a dark tocsin on
	the very soul of SpecTown.

INT. DOGGLEBE'S

The O.S. SOUNDS of a car driving past are by followed by a
loud splash from outside.

Wesley steps through the revolving door into the exclusive
club, shaking water from his coat and fedora.

Fine art adorns the walls of this swanky establishment, and
patrons dine on exquisite fare at candlelit tables.

Wes weaves between the tables, heading towards the back.
But he pauses at one table, recognizing the occupants.

DER SPIELER and BREANNE swirl their wineglasses, staring
dreamily into each other's eyes over plates of braised duck
and Swiss chard, oblivious to Wesley.

			DER SPIELER
	You know...you're the greatest
	writer in the world.

			BREANNE
	No, you're the greatest writer
	in the world.

			DER SPIELER
	No, you're the greatest...

They continue this conversation throughout the remainder of
the scene.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	I could feel it coming what might
	have been the biggest vomit of my
	life but then I heard it...

The strains of Meat Loaf's "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" waft
through the lounge, drowning out the conversation.

			UNKNOWN SINGER (O.S.)
	Baby, we can talk all night...
	But that ain't getting us
	nowhere...
	I've told you everything I
	possibly can...
	There's nothing left inside
	of me...

			WESLEY
	Not Meatloaf again.

Wesley turns to find MIKE SHELTON dressed in a tux and
warbling away on a karaoke machine in the far corner of the
room to a less than appreciative audience.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	Sure this place was crawling with
	potential suspects but they weren't
	who I was here to see that would be
	the guy in the back room...

As the music continues, Wesley turns to a set of double
doors at the back of the club. He walks towards them.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	...through those doors was the guy
	I was looking for and some people
	might call it suicide but I just
	didn't care anymore because I'd had
	about enough of this case haha.

Wesley pushes through the doors, disappearing into the back
of the club.

INT. BACK ROOM

The music back here is sleazy bump-and-grind. Lava lamps
supply the only light.

The floor is littered with beer bottles that clink and
clatter as Wesley kicks his way towards a large table.

Sitting at this table is DOGGLEBE, chewing on a fat cigar
and grinning -- at a nubile young DANCER wearing only a
thong on the table before him, her back towards Wesley.
Dogglebe's grin melts away as he spots Wesley.

			DOGGLEBE
	What the hell do you want,
	Dick?

			WESLEY
	I'm here about Don he's been
	murdered and I thought you might
	know something about it.

			DOGGLEBE
	Well, that's a shame. But I don't
	know nothin'. Now get outta' here
	cuz I'm busy, see?

Dogglebe lifts his beer bottle and takes a deep swig.

			WESLEY
	Well, I just thought since he ran
	SpecTown you might...

Dogglebe slams his beer down on the table, spitting foam and
interrupting Wesley.

			DOGGLEBE
	Don...running SpecTown? Don't be
	a fool! Everybody knows that I
	really run SpecTown!
		(to dancer)
	Turn around, honey. Let's have a
	little backside action now.

The dancer turns her back to Dogglebe, facing Wesley now, to
reveal that she has THE FACE OF A PUG.

Her tongue lolls from her mouth.

			DOGGLEBE
		(to Wesley)
	She's a real beauty, ain't she?

Now Dogglebe shakes his beer bottle and sprays Wesley with
the foam.

			DOGGLEBE
	Now get the hell out from
	under my lava lamps! This
	is a private show!

Wesley backs away from the table as the MAITRE-D steps to
Dogglebe and leans down to him.

			MAITRE-D
		(low)
	That Curse gentleman is here
	again, sir.

Dogglebe throws his bottle across the room, crashing it
against the far wall.

			DOGGLEBE
	Get him out of here! I won't
	have Edsel-writers in my club!

INT. WESLEY'S HIPPIE-MOBILE

Wesley stares at the note, looking very perplexed.

			WESLEY
	What am I missing? What is it?

Wesley looks at the note and suddenly rolls his eyes.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	Suddenly I knew...I knew I
	recognized this style this isn't
	a cleverly written note jam packed
	with clues leading me to the author
	the writer's grammar is just that
	bad and his writing is just that
	incomprehensible...

Wesley throws the van into gear.

EXT. WESLEY'S BITCHIN' VAN

The Flower Bus screeches off into the night.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	..and I knew just where to go.

EXT. ABANDONED MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT

The Wesleymobile pulls up in front of an abandoned movie
theater. The marquee is empty. The windows have been
boarded over long ago.

Wesley gets out of the van and pulls a flashlight from his
trench coat. Then he steps over to one of the doors.
When he tugs on it, it opens easily.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	Just as I thought.

Wesley enters the darkened theater.

INT. ABANDONED MOVIE THEATER

Wesley flicks on the flashlight and plays it around. Rats
and roaches skitter away from the light.

A tattered poster on one wall reads "#747: Coming Christmas
2006!"

Wesley steps over to the concession stand and reaches into
the shattered display, pulling out an ancient box of
Goobers.

He rips open the box and shakes a few into his mouth.

			WESLEY
	Man, chocolate and peanuts you
	just can't beat that even if it
	is 20 years old haha.

			VOICE (O.S.)
	So found me and old candy chocolate
	covered treat rules to eat but too
	late for runs!

Wesley whirls to face the voice behind him -- the voice that
could only belong to -- SECURITY.

Wesley pockets the Goobers and pulls a revolver.

			WESLEY
	I knew it was you and you've gone
	too far this time Security posting
	all that gibberish is one thing but
	killing Don is crossing the line.

Wesley raises the revolver.

			WESLEY
	Consider yourself banned.

Wesley pulls the trigger -- but the hammer falls on empty
chambers.

			WESLEY
	I guess I should have checked
	that first instead of worrying
	about the candy I suppose that
	was pretty stupid haha.

Security turns and runs through a doorway, up the stairs
that lead to the projection room.

			SECURITY
	Can't catch runs! Budda-Bing!
	Trailer runs and runners RULE!
	Wakka wakka whoot whoot!

Wesley gives chase.

INT. PROJECTION ROOM

Wesley enters to find Security loading a film onto the
ancient projector.

			WESLEY
	What are you doing?

			SECURITY
	Movies rule and runners know
	what goes but you script
	masters don't know what runners
	know...

Security bends down and lifts one of the heavy cases used
for transporting film reels.

			SECURITY
		(a different
		voice now)
	But you made one big mistake,
	Wesley...

Now Wesley watches in shocked disbelief as Security reaches
with his free hand and rips his face off -- A MASK -- to
reveal the grinning visage of KEVIN REVIE.

			KEVIN
	...you forgot that things are
	not always as they appear!

Kevin now lifts the heavy case and smashes Wesley in the
skull. Everything goes black.

INT. THEATER

Wesley is unconscious, tied to one of the chairs.

Kevin holds a giant cup full of soda. He flings the soda
into Wesley's face.

			KEVIN
	Wakey-wakey!

Wesley begins to rouse.

			WESLEY
	Oh man Dr. Pepper why did it
	have to be Dr. Pepper?

Wesley begins to notice his surroundings. He tugs at the
ropes, realizing now that he is tied to the chair.

Kevin stands before the screen, and spreading his arms he
now addresses the empty seats.

			KEVIN
	Welcome...to the first official
	screening of...A-List: The Movie!

Kevin lifts a remote towards the projection booth and
depresses a button.

And the film begins.

INSERT THE SCREEN

The following titles appear in succession on a black screen:

	"A Kevin Revie Production"

	"Of A Kevin Revie Film"

	"Written by Kevin Revie"

	"A-List: The Movie"

	"Starring Paris Hilton"

END INSERT

Wesley's eyes grow wide with horror. He struggles against
the ropes and shouts to Kevin.

			WESLEY
	I've done some pretty bad things
	in my life but I don't think
	anybody deserves this you should
	have a heart and just let me go!

But suddenly the images on the screen begin to skip and
stutter. Then they freeze.

Black-tinged rings now form on the screen, growing larger as
the film begins to melt.

INT. PROJECTION ROOM

The ancient projector begins to shimmy and shudder as the
clogged film jams its gears.

Then the projector bursts into flames.

INT. THEATER

Smoke pours from the projection room. Kevin looks at the
screen in horror, then drops to his knees.

			KEVIN
	NO!! My film! My beautiful
	film!!

Now Wesley pulls his arms free of the ropes that bind him to
the chair.

			WESLEY
	Hey you know these weren't really
	that tight after all haha.

Wesley steps over to Kevin, who is now curled into a fetal
position, blubbering on the sticky theater floor.

Wesley kneels beside Kevin and ruffles his hair.

			WESLEY
	Hey don't feel so bad I mean
	I'm sure that Paris will still
	be able to find work if...hey,
	wait a minute...

Now Wesley grabs Kevin's hair and tugs. It is ANOTHER MASK,
which Wesley rips off to reveal -- STIFLER!

Stifler now turns, looking up at Wesley with wild, crazy
eyes that have clearly gone quite insane.

Stifler screams with maniacal glee.

			STIFLER
	HUGE TWIST! LOL!

Stifler then leaps to his feet and begins running in circles
around the theater.

			STIFLER
	HUGE TWIST! LOL!
	HUGE TWIST! LOL!
	HUGE TWIST...

Stifler continues to scream.

Wesley settles back into one of the seats.

He pulls a cell phone from his coat and dials, watching with
amused detachment as Stifler continues to race around the
theater.

			WESLEY (V.O.)
	I decided to just take it easy
	and wait for the guys in the
	white coats haha.

Wesley pulls out the Goobers and shakes a few into his
mouth. He holds the box out to Stifler as he races by.

			WESLEY
		(to Stifler)
	Goober?

EXT. ABANDONED MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

Wesley watches as the men in the white coats load Stifler,
now in a straightjacket, into the back of a van.

They slam the doors closed, but Stifler can still be heard
from inside the van.

			STIFLER
		(muffled)
	HUGE TWIST! LOL!
	HUGE TWIST! LOL!

Wesley shakes his head as he watches the van pull away.
Then he turns to us.

			WESLEY
	If there's a lesson here it is
	probably well actually I guess
	you probably already know what
	it is so just read about it on
	the thread it originally appeared
	on even though it's actually on
	the wrong board anyway because
	people are idiots haha.

Then he turns away.

He shakes a few more Goobers into his mouth and heads off
into the night until he is swallowed by shadows.

A car drives by silhouetting Wesley in its headlights just
before dousing him in a sheet of water.

A poster blows along the ground behind him.

It reads: "#747: Coming Christmas 2010!"

FADE OUT.