SCREWED UP

Written By: Joseph Khaleghian
Address-- 555 Bronx River Road, #2N, Yonkers NY, 10704
Tel -- 718-662-8669
Email --jkhaleghian@yahoo.com

WGA Registered

FADE IN:

EXT. J&J WINDOW CLEANING CO – EARLY MORNING

A big sign reads "PROFESSIONAL, RELIABLE WINDOW CLEANERS - SINCE 1983" 

INT. J&J WINDOW CLEANING CO - CONTINUOUS

Window washers prepare their gear for the day's work.  DICK (25,Slim built, about 5’11’’ not a terribly good looking guy, but charming features, and very likable persona) and BRUCE (26, Medium built, killer look, about 6’ ) both in baby blue uniform, load buckets, squeegees and rope into their truck.  Their boss, ARNOLD PATRONA, 51, overweight and breathing heavily, approaches.

                                                           PATRONA
                Bruce! Dick!

                                    BRUCE                                         DICK
               Good morning, sir.                                Good morning, sir.

                                                           PATRONA
               You guys are going to 980 6th Ave today. Just do me a favor and don't  
               create another fiasco like the last time.  I still don't get how in the world you  
               went from cleaning the windows to running through the building with a   
               bunch of half-naked men.
                                     (shaking his head)
    A flooded basement, an electrical outage, people complaining about butt    
    marks on their windows...

                                                          DICK
               Well, it wasn’t my fault.  I was doing my job, and got dragged into that wild 
               party.

                                                         BRUCE 
               It really isn't his fault that he attracts gay men.  I had to go get him outta   
               there.  Man! It was just nuts with naked guys making out everywhere.  I had  
               to rely on my military training to dodge and weave my way through, cuz I 
               didn't wanna get hit.

                                                          PATRONA
               Get hit!  With what?

                                                         BRUCE
               Well you know, the flying sperm.  Hey, did you know the building was a 
               men's spa?

Dick and Patrona look at Bruce, disgusted.  Bruce still animated.

                                                         BRUCE (CONT'D)
               So when I finally found him, he was pinned down by two big dudes and 
               another one was about to drop his pants.  I got there just in time and saved
               his ass, literally!

                                                          DICK
               You got there late, stupid ass!  That dude was pulling his pants up!

                                                        PATRONA
               Guys!  Guys!

Dick and Bruce collect themselves
                                                       
                                                       PATRONA (CONT'D)
                                                          (to Dick)
               And you're getting married in two weeks, huh?  I'm sure your wife doesn't 
               wanna hear this nonsense.   

He waits for a response, but both guys are quiet

                                                       PATRONA (CONT'D)
               OK.  Let’s just put that behind us.  It was just a bad day.

INT.  CITY STREET - J&J WINDOW CLEANING VAN  – LATER

Dick and Bruce are stuck in heavy traffic.  There's no movement.  Dick, TAPS on the steering wheel.  Bruce looks at him a few times and then back at the traffic ahead.

                                                         BRUCE
               So, you gonna be OK for the game next week?

                                                          DICK
               Yeah, why do you ask?

                                                         BRUCE
               Well, you know…  Look man, I'm really sorry about what happened.  You 
               know we're buddies...  You should've told me about it.

                                                          DICK
               I’m perfectly fine, I haven’t been happier in my life.

Bruce looks at Dick not believing what he just heard.

                                                         BRUCE
               What do you mean?  You can’t be serious, right?

                                                          DICK
               Well, I don't know how to explain it.  I'm kind of beginning to look at the
               softer side of life. 

                                                         BRUCE
               Say what?  Please explain that.  I'm now as confused as you are.

                                                          DICK 
               Well, I'm more into flowers and butterflies now.
 
                                                         BRUCE
               Are you fucking kidding me?  What are you talking about?  Dude, we've 
               got a big game coming up.

                                                          DICK
               I feel liberated...  More tolerant and open to--

                                                         BRUCE
                                                         (To himself)
               God!  Don't tell me he likes boys now, and what are you going to tell Sara?

                                                          DICK
               What do you mean? I love Sara, and we're getting married.  I don't think 
               you understood what I was trying to say.

A van pulls up next to them with music BLARING.  Two tough-looking Guys sit inside.  Dick looks over at the Guy on the passenger side, whose head is resting back, passively looking at Dick with sleepy looking eyes.

                                                          DICK (CONT'D)
                                                      (Points to the man) 
               That’s what I mean… calm, peaceful, and unfazed... No stress.

                                                          DICK (CONT'D)
                                                            (To the man)
               I love you, man.

                                                         BRUCE
               Hey, what are you doing?  Are you crazy?  You’re gonna get us killed.

                                                          DICK
               Relax! If everybody could be like him we wouldn't have so many problems. 

Dick and Bruce both watch the Guy, when all of a sudden a woman's head pops up.  The woman quickly looks around, and goes back down. 
                                                    
                                                          DICK (CONT'D)                      
                Maybe that wasn't a good example.  But if we can learn to love each other        
                a little bit more, it’ll be a better world.  Everyone seems so disconnected   
                and absorbed by their own little worlds.

                                                         BRUCE
                So, you want to reconnect them?

                                                          DICK                             
                Let me show you what I mean.

Dick opens the door, and steps out.

                                                         BRUCE
                Hey what are you doing?  Get back in here.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Dick walks amidst the stalled traffic, and approaches a car.  He knocks on the window.  It rolls down, and two identical-looking elderly women, BERTHA and MARTHA look out at him.  Both are very nicely groomed.

                                                          DICK
               How are you ladies today?

					    BERTHA 
               Oh, we're fine, dear.  What seems to be the problem?

                                                          DICK
               Oh, nothing.  I’m conducting a survey about people’s sex lives, so 
               may I ask you, when, was the last time you ladies had sex?

The women look at each other, surprised for a moment, then burst into laughter

                                                         MARTHA
               Oh honey, you weren’t born yet.

The women look at each other again and burst into laughter. 

                                                          DICK
               Not to worry ladies, that could change.  There's a handsome gentleman        
               over there, in that car, who thinks you two are very attractive.  May I       
               introduce him to you if you don't mind.

                                     		    MARTHA
               Oh, please stop already.  You're giving me goose bumps.

                                                          DICK
                Give me a moment I'll bring him over.

Dick walks over to the car in the next lane, where ROY STERN, 58, sits by himself.

                                                          DICK
                Excuse me, sir.  Two really nice looking ladies in that car think you really 
                look hot, and would love to meet you. 

                                                         ROY
                You got the wrong man.  No woman has ever said that about me.

                                                          DICK
                Oh yes!  They want you man.  Look, this traffic is not going anywhere soon,
                so I thought maybe you'd like to have a little fun.

                                                         ROY
                I'm not really good when it comes to women, but I can fix air conditioners 
                and refrigerators.  

                                                          DICK
                Refrigerators?

                                               	         ROY
                I haven’t been with a woman in such a long time...  I forgot what I did the 
                last time.  I'm afraid I might mess up

                                                          DICK
                Look man, we don't have much time.  You'll not get another chance 
                like this, let's go.

Roy stares at Dick for a moment, unsure.  All of the sudden, he unbuckles himself and gets out of the car.  Relatively short, and a little overweight with a beer belly, he wears a beige work uniform.
                                               
				           ROY
                OK, let's go, but it better be good.

Dick and Roy make their way back to Bertha and Martha's car.

                                                          DICK
 	     Here he is, ladies                    

Roy steps forward and bends slightly glancing at the women, not sure how to start.
 
                                              	           ROY
                Hello there.  So you ladies have problems with your fridge? 

The two women just stare at him, confused. Dick frowns, and, lightly punches Roy in the side. He collects himself as if remembering something.

                                                           ROY (CONT'D)
                Oh, yes!  So you ladies, wanna get laid?

Dick, now looking upset, punches Roy again, harder. 

                                                          ROY (CONT'D)
                Oh!  Sorry about that.  Nice to meet you, ladies.

Bertha, eyes fixed on Roy, steps out.  She squints and bites her lip, opens the back door, grabs Roy by the collar, and forcefully pulls him inside.  Dick looks towards their van and gives a thumbs up. 

INT. J&J VAN - CONTINUOUS

Bruce looks at what's going on in total amazement.

                                                        BRUCE
                What the fuck is this dude trying to do?

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Dick runs over to a big truck further down the line, steps up on the side platform, and peeks inside. The driver is an African man, BADRU, in Muslim hat.  Sitting next to him in the middle is an Indian man, ARJUN, wearing a turban, and an Asian guy, HAO, sitting at the far side.

                                                         DICK
                How you guys doing?  Looks like we got a mini united nations in here. 
          
                                                        BADRU 
                                       (with heavy accent)
                Do you need something, man?
 
                                                         DICK
                There's a big accident ahead, and we'll be here for a while, so I thought  
                maybe you guys might like to have a little fun.

                                                       BADRU                               
                What kind of fun?

                                                         DICK
                Two hot-looking women like to have some fun in your truck

                                                       BADRU
                They hookers?
     
                                                         DICK 
                No, No, No.  Please don't disrespect them by offering money.
                                                   
                                                        BADRU
                                   (turning to the other two guys)
                What do you think guys?

                                                  ARJUN
                                    (heavy accent and head swaying) 
                I only have sex if I pay.  I don't pay, I don't come.

                                                          DICK
                                     (pointing to Hao) 
                What about him?

                                                      BADRU
                He doesn't speak much English.  He and the Mexican guy in the back 
                just came to this country.  They speak their own language. 

INT. TRUCK - CONTINUOUS    

Badru pulls out a picture of a naked woman from behind the shade, and holds it so Hao can see it.

                                                    BADRU
                Hey, John.

Hao, who wasn't paying attention to what's been going on, turns to look.  Badru 
points to the picture.

                                                   BADRU (CONT'D)
                Do you want a woman?

Hao stares at the picture, wistfully.

                                                   HAO
                mi luik fooka vooman

                                                  BADRU
                                                   (Laughing)
                Now, what the hell did you say?

Hao quickly grabs Arjun next to him and starts moving back and forth as if having sex. Arjun swiftly pushes him off.

                                                  ARJUN
                Get off me!   What the hell are you doing?  You are not going to fuck me!

                                                   BADRU 
                I think he wants to say he likes to fuck women.
           
                                                   HAO
                mi luik koosa vooman

                                                   BADRU
                What?

Hao again grabs Arjun, and this time kisses him on the mouth.  Arjun
struggles to break free.

                                                  BADRU (CONT'D)
                 Hey!  That’s enough now.  We got it.  You like to kiss women.

Hao lets go, leaving Arjun disgusted, wiping his lips and spitting.

                                                   ARJUN
                Please bring the women, before this jerk changes my sexual orientation.
          
                                                         DICK
                So, what do you guys have in the back of the truck?

                                                   BADRU
                Livestock.  You know, chickens, goats, and sheep 
 
                                                       DICK
                Oh yeah?  That's great.

Dick jumps down, looking upbeat.

                                                      DICK (CONT'D)
                Get the music going.  I'll be right back.

The guys in the truck, filled with anticipation, watch Dick walk away.

                                                 BADRU
                He's a loser.  I'll bet he can't even find a two dollar hooker.

Arjun sways his head again.

                                                    ARJUN
                Yeah, he should see the ones I go out with.

                                                     HAO
                                                    (Talking fast)
                mi sooo hornena mi fooka ani vooman eeven too dolar hoor mi 
                Can geta good sooka. last time mi a good sooka wit mi vife vas 
                sleepa an mi putin mi vife mot 

Badru and Arjun, transfixed by Hao, suddenly cry out laughing.

                                                    ARJUN
                Could you repeat that, please?

EXT. GIRLS’ CAR - CONTINUOUS
 
Dick, leaning in, speaks with two beautiful young women in a convertible Mercedes.The driver, JASMINE, 23, brunette with braces, and APRIL, 24, blonde with freckles, smile.

                                                         DICK
                What a perfect scene, a sexy car carrying two gorgeous women.

Jasmine and April look at each other and giggle.

                                                        JASMINE
                You don't look bad yourself either.

                                                         DICK
                Oh really?  Let me take a look again.

Dick bends over to get a good look at himself in the side mirror.  He runs his fingers through his hair and thinks for a moment.

                                                         DICK (CONT'D)
                Nah!

 The girls look at each other again and giggle.

                                                        APRIL 
                He's so cute!

                                                          DICK
                Hey, listen... You girls wanna have some fun?  There’s a party in the 
                back of that truck, booze, music, and four very charming guys.

The girls look at each other, unsure.

                                                         JASMINE
                But we're in the middle of this traffic.

                                                         DICK
                Yeah, and we'll be here for a while, love.  I heard there was a massive 
                accident in the tunnel.   

The girls look at each other again, and shrug.
    
                                                        JASMINE
                OK!  What the fuck!  Let’s go.

INT. TRUCK - CONTINUOUS

Badru and Arjun are laughing. 
 
                                                    ARJUN
                I'll bet that guy's had the same five girls his entire life...  His five fingers!

Arjun gestures, as if masturbating.

                                                      BADRU
                I hope those are not the hot girls he wants us to screw.

They both laugh and high-five each other while Hao tries to get their attention.

                                                    ARJUN
                Oh shut up.  What do you want?

Hao pulls Arjun's arm, pointing outside.  Arjun turns to look, and his 
laughter slowly fades.  With his elbow, he nudges Badru, who's still laughing.  His laughter also stops.  The three men now stare, wide-eyed, at Dick and the two the hot-looking Girls. Hao grabs his crotch.

                                                     HAO
                Sexy voooman moka mi fil gooot

                                                    ARJUN
                How much do you think they charge?

The driver silently looks on, dreamy-eyed.

                                                       BADRU
                I will marry her, we will move to a big house, with a dog, and--

                                                                                                                            CUT TO:

BADRU’S DREAM:
April, looking hot in her sexy bikini is in the swimming pool, she comes out of the water half way, gesturing to Badru standing at the edge of the pool to join her. A huge erection is quite visible protruding under his garb. A small dog nearby is barking at him, Badru seems tight lipped as if in pain.  

                                                       PRIL
                Come on tiger, don't you want to join me?
 
                                                       BADRU
                I can't move right now, got a spasm
                                                  (To the dog)
                Go away!

The dog suddenly jumps at Badru grabbing his erected penis. Badru, rolls his eyes in an expression of pain, grabs the dog still dangling from his penis, and struggles to break free.   

                                                                                                                             CUT TO:

TRUCK
                                         
Badru is holding his crotch, still, dreamy-eyed, muttering

                                                      BADRU
                The dog…

                                                    ARJUN
                What the hell are you talking about?

Dick and the Girls are now at the truck.

                                                         DICK                                             
                Here they are ladies.

                                                      APRIL
                                                     (to Badru)
                So, where's the party?
                  
                                                       BADRU
                The dog…

                                                     APRIL
                What?

                                                       BADRU
                Your dog just bit me

Arjun is alerted by Dick, who's pointing to the back of the truck. 
 
                                                    ARJUN                                  
                Yes!  The party!

Arjun elbows Badru. Badru suddenly collects himself as if he had just woke up.  All three quickly jump out, and walk to the back of the truck.  Hao tries to pull the back door up but it doesn't open.

                                                      HAO
                                                        (shouting)
                Pedro, oopen doora isa mi

                                                VOICE FROM INSIDE
                Si, la puerta!

                                                       HAO
                Espeaka ingilish no oondroostood

                                                        BADRU 
                                                        (to Arjun)
                Did he just ask Pedro to speak English?

                                                        BADRU (CONT'D)
                Pedro, open the door.

                                                   VOICE FROM INSIDE
                Estoy colgado en la puerta.

Badru looks at Arjun and Hao, confused.

                                                       BADRU
                What the hell is this dude up to?

                                                      ARJUN
                I think he said he is stuck on the door.

                                                       BADRU
                Come on, guys, let’s pull this thing up together

They manage to push the door half way up, revealing a tiny man, PEDRO, dangling by the back of his waist from the door latch.  His pants are pulled off a little, exposing half of his butt.

                                                      BADRU
                How the hell did you do that?

He looks over at the girls, giggling.

                                                     BADRU (CONT'D)                                                        
                Sorry ladies, just one second, I’ll get him down.

Hao climbs up, and frees Pedro, while Badru, and Arjun hold the door.  The door swings open, and the guys climb in.  They then help the girls up. 

INT. BACK OF TRUCK - CONTINUOUS

There are cages with live goats, sheep, and chicken.

                                                        JASMINE
                Ooh, they are so cute.

                                                        APRIL
                Yeah, so cute, could we touch them?

                                                         DICK
                Guys I'm gonna go get my friend, be back soon.

INT. J&J VAN - CONTINUOUS

                                                        BRUCE
                Why are you doing these things, man?  I don’t get you.

                                                         DICK
                Love, my friend.  Love is the only thing that makes us forget our 
                troubles and differences...   Uniting us, and making it a better world as 
                you can see before your eyes.  

Bruce looks at Dick, confused. The traffic begins to move a little, and two police cars with sirens blaring go by.

                                                       BRUCE (CONT'D)
                What the hell is going on over there?

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

The police cars stop by the Bertha and Martha's car.  An OFFICER opens the back door, and drags Roy out, handcuffing him.  

INT. J&J VAN - CONTINUOUS

Bruce and Dick look on, shocked. 

                                                         DICK                                                  
                What the hell did he do?

Another OFFICER opens the front door and helps Bertha out.  Her hair is messed up, and her make up smeared all over her face.  She looks dazed.

EXT. BERTHA & MARTHA'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

                                               POLICE OFFICER
                                                  (to Bertha)
                Are you OK, ma'am?  What happened?

                                                     MARTHA
                He wouldn't let go of my sister.

The Officer looks inside the car and sees Martha slumped in the back seat. She also looks a mess, but has a big grin on her face.

                                               POLICE OFFICER
                                                  (to Bertha)
                Would you like to press charges?

Bertha looks at Roy being led away

                                                     BERTHA
                Could I get his number before you take him in?

INT.  J&J VAN - CONTINUOUS

Dick and Bruce watch what’s unfolding with disbelief.

                                                         DICK
                Son of a bitch.  And I thought he was afraid of women, what an animal.

                                                        BRUCE
                Hey, look over there.

INT. BACK OF THE TRUCK- CONTINUOUS         

April holds a half empty bottle of Tequila looking tipsy, running around laughing.  She opens the cages, and lets the animals onto the street.

                                                       BADRU
                                                     (Nervously)
                Please stop, you are going to make us lose our jobs!

April continues to laugh and shout, enjoying herself.

                                                        APRIL
                Oh don't worry love, you can find a job at the zoo.

                                                        BADRU
                Please don’t visit me at the zoo.

Nearby, Jasmine also half-drunk dances and sings wildly to the music.  Arjun timidly approaches her.

                                                      ARJUN
                May I dance with you?

Jasmine grabs Arjun by the collar, and pulls him swiftly towards herself, kissing him on themouth.  Arjun’s eyes open wide, as he sways his head, excited.

                                                     ARJUN (CONT'D)
                May I dance with you again?

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Hao chases after a chicken that got away among cars.  He gets down on his hands and knees and slowly moves up behind the bird.  He comes around a car and runs into the legs of a POLICE OFFICER who stands over him. The chicken slowly moves through the Officer’s legs. Hao, arms extended, tries to grab the chicken.

                                                     HAO
                Coom e hear chickie

The chicken jumps forward and pecks Hao in the face biting his nose

                                                     HAO (CONT'D)
                Fooki chickie

The Police Officer grabs Hao by the back of his neck and pulls him up.  Hao, his nose, red from the bird’s bite timidly looks into the Officer’s serious eyes.

                                                      HAO (CONT'D)                                                       
                Mi chickie…

The Officer, still holding Hao by the back of the neck, looks angry.

                                                 POLICE OFFICER                                                       
                Oh yeah?  And what is your chickie doing between my legs?

INT. J&J VAN - CONTINUOUS

Dick and Bruce continue watching the chaos outside in disbelief.  The traffic begins to move. Dick glances over at the tough guy in the van next to them.  He gives Dick a threatening look.
                                     
                                                           TOUGH GUY
                Why the fuck you keep looking over here, motherfucker!  I'm gonna 
                fuck your little ass up.

He and his friend at the wheel begin to get out of the van.
          
                                                            BRUCE
                                                           (to Dick)
                Thanks to your grand vision!  We’re about to get our asses kicked.

Dick also looking panicked, quickly maneuvers the van into the moving lane, drives off

EXT. BUILDING ROOFTOP - LATER

Dick & Bruce lower themselves on two separate platforms from the edge of the roof.

EXT. SIDE OF BUILDING - AT WINDOW - CONTINUOUS                                                            

Bruce reaches into his pocket, pulls out a joint, and lights it up.                                                       

                                                            BRUCE
                Want some?

                                                             DICK
                I'll get paranoid, I don't wanna fuck up.

                                                            BRUCE
                You can't fuck up more than you’ve already done.

Dick hesitantly takes the joint and takes a drag.  Bruce starts washing a window.
 
                                                            BRUCE (CONT'D)
                How is it?

Dick passes the joint back to Bruce.
                                            
                                                             DICK      
                I'll let you know in a minute.

Dick starts to wash a window. 

                                                             DICK
                I'd like to tell you something.
 
                                                            BRUCE
				(wiping window)
                I'm listening.

					       DICK
                I don't know, but I don’t think Brooklyn is the right girl for you.

Bruce stops for a moment, turns to Dick looking confused.
 
                                                            BRUCE
                What are you talking about?

Dick, soaps up the window.

                                                             DICK
                Well I don't know… but I think she is a little loose.

                                                            BRUCE
                But you met her only once, how could you make that judgment?

Dick stops for a second and looks at Bruce.
            
                                                             DICK
                I don’t know, but I kinda feel like, she has a crush on me.

Bruce stops, and looks at Dick grinning, not believing what he's hearing.
 
                                                            BRUCE
                Are you stupid?  What in the world made you think that?

                                                             DICK
                The way she stares at me and giggles.

                                                            BRUCE 
                Because she is a little emotionally disturbed.      

Bruce goes back to washing the window. Dick also turns to wash the window and suddenly notices a pair of breasts pressed against the glass. Dick squints, and gets closer to get a better look.

                                                             DICK
                Dude, there's a pair of boobs at this window.

Bruce still chuckling and shaking his head from their previous conversation.  He takes another drag of the joint.

                                                            BRUCE
                And now you're seeing tits!  Man, this stuff really did fuck you up.

Dick’s glowing with excitement at what he is seeing behind the window 
 
                                                             DICK
                No dude!  For real.  I can’t see her face, but she's got nice boobs and 
                she’s put them out for me, you gotta see this...

                                                            BRUCE
                Take it easy.  You're just stoned, that’s all.  It's probably just a reflection.

Dick puts his face against the window and starts kissing, licking and rubbing the glass.

                                                           BRUCE (CONT'D)
                Is that how you clean the windows now?  With your tongue!

Suddenly, the window pops open, and a transvestite leans out with breasts exposed.  Her hair is grabbed from behind by a second transvestite, who leans on top of her, holding a carved wooden statue penis the size of a bat.  Dick, taken by surprise SCREAMS, and backs away.

                                                            DICK
                Damn!  Get back inside you looked better behind the glass. 

The second transvestite is furious.

                                                    TRANSVESTITE #2
                Where the fuck is the diamond?  What the fuck did you do with it?

                                                    TRANSVESTITE #1     
                I swear I don’t have it, and I don’t know where it is.  Let me go!

Transvestite #2  tries to push the bare-chested transvestite out of the window.

                                                    TRANSVESTITE #2
                Tell me now, bitch!  Or I’ll smash your head with this.

Transvestite #2 raises the statue, about to strike Transvestite #1.
Dick and Bruce look at each other completely taken aback by what’s happing.

                                                           BRUCE
                Still wanna lick her boobs?

Dick gives him a stupid look then turns to the transvestites.
 
                                                           DICK
                Ladies!  Please calm down

                                                    TRANSVESTITE #2
                Shut up, asshole.  Nobody's talking to you

Dick calmly points to the statue.

                                                           DICK
                I think you should put that penis down.  We can resolve this peacefully. 

Transvestite #2 swings the statue at Transvestite #1.  As Dick moves in to protect her, she dodges, and Dick instead gets hit on the side of his head.  The tip of the statue breaks off and the diamond falls out, dropping right into Dicks' s pocket.  Dick slumps back unconscious.  The platform he's on tilts and drops down a little.  Both transvestites freeze, and look at each other, surprised.   

Transvestite #2 tries to reach for Dick's pocket, but can't. 

                                                         BRUCE
				(to Transvestite #2)
	      Back away, bitch!
				(to Dick)
                Dude, are you OK? 

Dick is crouched over, unresponsive.

                                                         BRUCE (CONT'D)
                Hang in there, man.  I'm calling an ambulance.

                                                    TRANSVESTITE #2
                Oh shit, we better get out of here.

                                                    TRANSVESTITE #1
                What about the diamond?

                                                    TRANSVESTITE #2
				(seeing J&J sign on front pocket)
                We'll get it later.  Let's go.

INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM - LATER

Dick is rolled in on a stretcher.  Bruce and DOCTOR LARRY LEVINGSTON, 45, walk briskly behind.

                                                         DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                So, do you wanna tell me what happened?

                                                          BRUCE
                He got whacked on the head with a giant prick.

Doctor Levingston gives him a serious look.

                                                         DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                Look, your friend is in grave condition, this is no time for jokes. 

                                                          BRUCE
                I am serious,  It was a wooden prick.

                                                         DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                I've seen all kinds of artificial limbs, but this is the first time I hear 
                of a wooden penis.

                                                          BRUCE
                To be precise, it was a wooden penis statue.
 
                                                         DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
				(still not getting it)
                Wait here, I'll get back to you with an update on his condition

LATER

Bruce sits and waits nervously in the waiting area when the doctor comes out.  Bruce gets up and rushes over to him.

                                                         DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                Your friend woke up.  It was a concussion, but he's okay now.  He can go
                home, but needs to rest a few days with limited activities.  You might
	     hear him complain of headaches for a while, but I gave him something for 
                pain and something to reduce the swelling.  Please wait here.

                                                          BRUCE
				(relieved)
                Thanks so much, doctor.

                                                         DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                And don't let him play with those wooden penises again.

The doctor laughs and shakes his head as he walks away.

LATER

Dick comes out with head bandaged, and walking gingerly.  

                                                          BRUCE
                Dude!  How you feeling?  Doc Murphy said you'll be fine.

                                                           DICK
				(in pain)
                Yeah, from the neck down

                                                          BRUCE
                Let's grab a cab.  I'll take you home.

INT. CAB - CONTINIOUS

Bruce leans toward the CAB DRIVER, 63, Russian, bald, with thick mustache. 

                                                        BRUCE
                                                (to cab driver)
                48th street and Queens Boulevard, please.

                                                          DICK
				      (still disoriented)
                I don't remember what happened.

                                                        BRUCE
                We were up on the scaffolds… 

                                                          DICK
                Yeah, I remember that.

                                                        BRUCE
                Then we smoked a joint, and you started kissing a pair of naked 
                boobs behind the window…

Dick flashes a smile, as he begins to remember.

                                                          DICK
                Yeah!  I remember that, too. 

                                                        BRUCE
                Turned out that they belonged to a transvestite. 
 
                                                          DICK
                I'm glad I don't remember that

                                                        BRUCE
                She was fighting with her partner, you tried to break up the fight, 
                and got hit…

The Cab Driver turns around with a smile, speaking with a Russian accent.

                                                     CAB DRIVER
                With the giant cock statue, right?

                                                          DICK     
                What!? 

                                                        BRUCE
                                                (to cab driver)
                Focus on your driving, nobody asked you anything...  Wait, how did you  
                know that?

Dick looks at Bruce, confused.

                                                          DICK
                Maybe I have a penis mark on my face!

                                                     CAB DRIVER
                I was attacked by one of them, too.

                                                        BRUCE
                What are you talking about?

                                                     CAB DRIVER
                We met at a bar then she took me to her place.  When I found out                  
                she had a dick we couldn't agree on who is going to fuck who, so  
                she got upset and hit me with one of those statues, and then robbed
                me.  
					
                                                        BRUCE
    	     That's just wrong, man.
			
					CAB DRIVER
	    You know, they are part of a big transvestite drug smuggling ring 
                based in Brooklyn and Miami.  They stuff those statues with narcotics,
                and use them to move the drugs around. 

Bruce and Dick are transfixed the Cab Driver's story.  Bruce  snaps to attention. 

                                                        BRUCE
                Slow down you're going too fast.

                                                     CAB DRIVER
                I want to get you guys home quickly.
  
                                                        BRUCE
                Yeah, and we wanna get home alive.

The driver calmly turns to Bruce with a smile.

                                                      CAB DRIVER
                Don't worry, my friend.

Suddenly,

                                                        BRUCE
                Watch out!  You’ll hit that car!

The Cab Driver quickly turns and his eyes pop wide open as he slams on the break.

                                                      CAB DRIVER
                Relax!  It will be mild....       
                                                       (screams)
                Oh, Shi…t!

The cab SCREECHES and crashes into the back of another car.

SLOW MOTION:

Dick flies off of his seat.  His head bashes against the back of the front seat, with the side of his face pressed hard against it.

Dick slumps back on his seat, unconscious.
 
EXT. SCENE OF ACCIDENT - CONTINUOUS

Both cars are smashed against each other, with the hood of the cab popped open and smoke rising from it.

INT. THE CAB - CONTINUOUS

Bruce shakes himself off, and looks over at Dick.

                                                        BRUCE
                Dude, dude, are you OK?

Dick is unresponsive.  The Cab Driver is also slumped in his seat, head down, his eyes half open, and muttering. 

                                                     CAB DRIVER
                Told you it will be mild.

INT. SAME HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM - LATER

The doors swing open as Bruce and Dick are rolled in on separate stretchers.  Bruce is alert  but banged up, while Dick remains unconscious.  As they are taken through the hallway Doctor Levingston passes by.  He turns looks at Bruce uncertain at first, then turns again.  He approaches Bruce.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                Weren't you here a short while ago?

Bruce nods. 

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON (CONT'D)
					(pointing)
                Just can't bring him here conscious, can you?  

                                                        BRUCE
                We had an accident

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                What?  The penis again?

                                                        BRUCE
                Yeah, but this time it was caused by a real prick.  Our cab driver

Doctor Levingston frowns, thinking

                                                       DOCTOR
                I’ll go look at your friend

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - LATER

Dick lies unconscious on a hospital bed with tubes and monitors connected to him.  Suddenly,his eyes open wide, rolling side to side and up and down looking around the room.  NURSE KATHERINE PETERS, 37, walks in, and smiles.

                                                        NURSE PETERS
                Hi there.  How are you feeling? 

                                                          DICK
                Hey dude!  What's up?

                                                        NURSE PETERS
                I'm not a dude.  My name is Katherine, and I'm your nurse.

                                                          DICK
                Nurse!  I didn't ask for a nurse.  But now that you're here could you please
                take my shoes to the dry cleaners, and iron my diapers .

                                                        NURSE PETERS  
                Sir!  I am your nurse, you are in a hospital.

                                                          DICK
                Oh!  You mean the place where they take sick people?

Nurse Peters takes out a pair of latex gloves, and is about to put them on.    
                            
                                                        NURSE PETERS 
                That's right.

Dick, staring at the gloves, becomes a little uneasy.

                                                          DICK
                Wait a minute!  What are you gonna do with all those condoms?
 
                                                        NURSE PETERS
					(trying hard not to laugh)
                Honey, these are not condoms.  they are the fingers of a latex glove

She starts putting the gloves on as Dick looks on anxiously.

                                                        NURSE PETERS (CONT'D)
                I'm going to remove the IV, and check your vitals.

She gently begins to remove the IV, while Dick stares at her.    
                                                    
                                                          DICK
                I feel horny, could you get me something to eat when you get a chance.

                                                        NURSE PETERS	
					(pulling her hand away)
                You mean to say, you're hungry, right? 

OUTSIDE OF THE ROOM - CONTINUOUS 

It’s a hectic scene, nurses and doctors rushing around.  Nurse Peters runs into Doctor Levingston behind the nurses station.  He's busy typing on a computer.

                                                        NURSE PETERS
                Patient in room 123 woke up.

                                                      DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                Great, I'll be there shortly.

                                                        NURSE PETERS
                But…he's acting very strangely, and saying strange things.

                                                      DOCTOR LEVINGSTON 
                Don't worry.  He's just trying to be funny.., like his crazy friend.

                                                        NURSE PETERS
                No, but I really think something's wrong with him.

                                                      DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                He'll be alright.  I'll check on him in a few minutes.

INT.  HOSPITAL  ROOM - LATER

JENNIFER ROBINS, 40, holding a menu, enters and finds the restroom door ajar.   The bed sheet is slowly getting pulled in from inside through the opening.  Jennifer rushes to the door.

                                                        JENNIFER
                Sir, Sir… Are you okay?

There is no reply, but the sheet is still getting pulled inside.  Jennifer opens the door.  Dick sits at the toilet bowl with his legs slightly open and pants pulled down to his knees. The toilet bowl is stuffed to the top with the sheet.

                                                        JENNIFER (CONT'D)
                What are you doing?

                                                          DICK
                What is this tissue made of?  It just doesn't break  

                                                        JENNIFER
                That is not a bathroom tissue, it's your bed sheet, now please put it 
                down right away.  I'll have someone pick it up to be washed.

Dick puts the sheet down and pulls his pants up.  Jennifer helps him back to the bed.

                                                        JENNIFER(CONT'D)
                My name is Jennifer, your nutritionist.   Are you allergic to any kind of 
                food?

                                                          DICK
                Purple pricks give me skin rash.       

                                                        JENNIFER
					(trying not to laugh)
                Oh honey, I wouldn't touch the discolored ones either, but I don't think 
                you understood the question.

                                                          DICK
                You know, the ones with a thick purple skin, sometimes served fried.

Jennifer rolls her eyes, and takes a short deep breath

                                                        JENNIFER
                You mean eggplants?  I have two protein-rich meals for you, meatloaf
                with toast, mashed potatoes, pudding for dessert, or grilled breast
                of chicken with rice, and broiled vegetables, and Jell-O for dessert.
                  
                                                          DICK
                I’ll have the meatloaf.  Last time I had that I was unstoppable in bed.
                We’ll have an unforgettable night together.

Jennifer clinches her teeth in anger, then turns around and exits the room.

LATER

Doctor Levingston and Nurse Peters enter.  Dick is standing in the middle of the room with his back to them.  Wearing only his underwear, he takes the meatloaf from the food tray and stuffs it inside his briefs. The doctor and nurse look at each other, shocked.  

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                Ahemmmm

Dick turns.  The meatloaf has formed a big bulge on his groin, under his briefs.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON (CONT'D)
                What are you doing?

                                                          DICK           
                Oh… nothing!  Just getting ready for the nutritionist   

Doctor Levingston and Nurse Peters look at each other.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                You were supposed to eat that.  What did you do with the mashed potato?

                                                          DICK
					(pointing to the bed)
                Under the blanket.  I'm keeping it warm for her

                                                        NURSE PETERS
                                         (whispering)
                Told you something's wrong with him.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                                         (whispers back)
                He's okay.  Just trying to be funny, watch!

Doctor Levingston approaches Dick, looking straight into his eyes.  He pulls out a pen.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON (CONT'D)
                What is this?

                                                          DICK
                                        (passively)
                It's a pen

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                Great!

He then picks up the glass of water from the tray.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                And this?

                                                          DICK
                A glass of water.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON                                      
                Excellent!

He then points to his stethoscope.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON (CONT'D)  
                And, what about this!

                                                          DICK
                A stethoscope.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                Excellent.
				      (to Nurse Peters)
                I really don't see anything wrong.  He's fine.
             
He turns back to Dick, and smiles.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON (CONT'D)
                Now go ahead and clean up that mess.

He and Nurse Peters turn toward the door. 

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON (CONT'D)
                                    (whispering)
                You see?  He was just playing.

Suddenly, they hear a loud CRASHING SOUND.   Dick lies on the floor, with the food table overturned on top of his head and upper body.  Doctor Levingston and Nurse Peters rush over.  The Doctor lifts the food tray revealing Dick’s face, covered with leftover food.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON (CONT'D)
                You okay?  What happened?

                                                          DICK
                                      (holdng up the spoon)
                You left your pen.        

HOSPITAL LOBBY - LATER

Bruce and a concerned-looking SARAH FERGUSON, 24, next door type with innocent face, see Doctor Levingston approaching.

                                                         BRUCE
                Doctor Levingston, this is Sara, Dick's fiancé.

The doctor smiles and shakes Sara’s hand.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                Nice to meet you, Sara.  I'm glad you came.

                                                          SARA
                Thank you, Doctor.  Please tell me how Dick is doing.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON 
                                           (choosing his words carefully)
                Well, there doesn't seem to be any visible physical damage to the 
                brain, and that's the good news.  However something very strange 
                seems to have happened… 

						     BRUCE
	       What do you mean, strange?
 
                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                He seems unable to associate objects or feelings with proper words.   

                                                          SARA
                I don't quite understand, doctor. 

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                Basically, he sees one thing, but perceives another.

Sarah looks at Bruce, totally lost.  She turns back to the doctor. 

                                                          SARA 
                I still don't get it.

Bruce takes Sara’s arm.

                                                        BRUCE
                Honey, what the doctor's trying to say, is that Dick’s brain is screwed up.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
					(uncomfortable by the remark)
                I want to make it clear that he is not crazy, not insane.  I think he can be 
                treated, but it may take some time.

                                                          SARA	
					(closing her eyes)
                What can I do to help him?

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                I would recommend seeing a psychotherapist for further evaluation. 

She wipes a tear away. 

                                                          SARA
                Who?  Do you know anyone?

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON
                Yes, as a matter of fact I do,

Doctor Levingston reaches into his pocket pulls out a business card.  He hands it to Sara.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON (CONT'D)
                Tell him I sent you.  I wish you all the best.

                                                          SARA
                Thanks you, doctor.

The doctor looks at his watch then turns to Bruce.

                                                       DOCTOR LEVINGSTON                                               
                And, I see you back here again, in what?  Another twenty minutes!

He points  at Bruce and winks with a grin then walks away.

                                                          SARA
                What did he mean by that?

                                                         BRUCE
                Who knows?  I think he should see his psychotherapist friend, too.

THE HOSPITAL ROOM

Sara and Bruce enter the room, but Dick is nowhere in sight.

                                                          SARA
               Dick?  Honey!  Where are you?  It's me, Sara.

                                                          DICK  (O.S.)
               I'm down here.

Sara and Bruce quickly go around the bed.  Dick lies on the floor, under the bed.

                                                          SARA
               What are you doing down there, honey?
             
                                                          DICK
               Getting the pillow, it fell back here.

                                                          SARA
               Don't worry about it, honey.  The nurse will take care of that.

                                                          DICK
               Got it.  I'm getting it out....   Oh, wait...

                                                          SARA
               Honey, could you please let that go, and come out.

No answer.  Bruce and Sara look at each other.

                                                         BRUCE
               Let's pull him out.

They each grab a leg, and begin pulling. Dick slides out, his arms outstretched.  He holds onto a tiny cherry tomato.  He stands up smiling proudly.

                                                          DICK                                              
              Got the sucker!  Hi guys, thanks for coming.

He gives Sara a passionate kiss on the lips.

                                                          DICK (CONT'D)
              Baby, I missed your ass.

Sarah pulls away from him.

                                                          SARA
              My ass?   What...?
				(taking the tomato from him)
              Come on, get dressed now and let's go home.

EXT. GAS STATION - EARLY EVENING

Sara steers her Toyota Corolla into a gas station.

                                                          SARA
              I’m starving!  You guys get some snacks and soda while I fill up.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - CONTINUOUS

Bruce grabs a shopping basket, and hands it to Dick.  As they go through the aisles Bruce picks up bags of chips and other snacks, a case of beer and soda, and hands them to Dick. 

At the register, stands a huge bearded, tough-looking TATTOOED MAN, 35.

                                                         BRUCE
                                                        (To Dick)
              Where's the basket?

Dick puts the basket on the counter in front of the Tattooed Man.  Bruce looks inside and sees a box laundry detergent, a box of tampons, two cans of motor oil, couple of cans of cat food, and some dog bones.

                                                         BRUCE (CONT'D)                                 
              What the hell are all of these?  Where's, all the stuff I gave you?

Dick eagerly puts a small broom on the counter.

                                                          DICK
              Oh, and I got this too.  It goes great with beer.

Bruce looks at Dick, amazed, then turns to the Tattooed Man behind register.

                                                         BRUCE
              Sorry, sir.  I'll be right back.

Bruce takes the basket, and walks away, leaving Dick standing there.   The Tattooed Man gives Dick a stern look.  Dick smiles back.  

Bruce returns, and the Tattooed Man rings everything up.

                                                           TATTOOED MAN
              Twenty three sixty five.

Bruce hands him the money.

                                                         BRUCE
              Thanks, man.  Sorry about that.

Dick smiles and tries to sound sweet.

                                                          DICK
              Thanks, honey!!!

EXT. GAS STATION - MOMENTS LATER

Sara leans against the car, waiting.  The door of the store opens and the Tattooed Man holds Dick and Bruce by the back of their necks.  He throws them out of the store.

INT.  SARA’S CAR - CONTINUOUS 

In the back seat, Bruce rubs his neck. 
 
                                                         BRUCE                   
             I'm not going anywhere with him again.  He almost got us killed.

Sara pulls into Bruce's driveway.  Bruce steps out and approaches Sara’s window.

                                                         BRUCE (CONT'D)
             Thank you for the ride.  Oh, tomorrow's my girlfriend's birthday and 
             we're having a little get-together.  She's been looking forward to meeting 
             you.  Can you guys come?

                                                          SARA
             Definitely.  I've been wanting to meet her, too. 
 
                                                          SARA (CONT'D)
                                                   (to Dick)
             What do you think, honey?

Dick looks away while pointing to Bruce with his thumb

             Sure, as long as it's not his birthday.

INT. SARA’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Dick and Sara sit close to each other, drinking wine on a big couch.  Logs burn in the fireplace near them.  Sara leans in and kisses him.

                                                          SARA
             These are my lips you are kissing.  Not my ass.  Say it:  I’m kissing your lips.

Dick trying to focus, slowly repeats after Sara.

                                                          DICK
             I’m kissing your lips.

Sara smiles at Dick and run her hand through his hair

                                                          SARA
             Beautiful. 

                                                          DICK
					  (gazing at her lips)
             The lips of your ass never looked sexier.

Sara smiles in surprise.  She runs her hand through his hair again

                                                          SARA
             We'll get through this, and I'll stand by you every step of the way.

Sara and Dick are now close enough that their lips are almost touching.

                                                          SARA (CONT'D)
             I love you now more than ever.

They start kissing passionately.  

                                                          DICK
						(whispering)
             Let's skip the previews, and go to the feature presentation

                                                         SARA
                                                      (laughing)
             What you wanna do?

                                                          DICK
             I wanna shoot the ball in the basket.
                                         
                                                          SARA
             I'm not sure I understood.  You mean sex?

Dick and Sara are now lying on the floor partially covered.  Dick is on top when his head suddenly begins to jerk back and forth.  

                                                          SARA
             What are you doing?

                                                          DICK
             Break dance position

Dick then does a wave with his body.  Sara's eyes pop wide open.
 
                                                          SARA
                                                       (moaning)
             Ooh…Ah…

Dick now really getting into the act and quickly flips Sara around.  She sits on top of him. Dick, moving fast, his voice trembling with excitement.

                                                          DICK
             Hamburger position!  How would you like it?  Rare?  Medium?  Well done?

                                                          SARA
             Umm, that was well done!

Dick moves behind Sara who’s lying on her side, Sara looks at him, unsure.

                                                          DICK 
             My favorite, the gas station position:  Regular?  Super? or  Diesel?

Sara is completely turned on, and beside herself.

                                                          SARA 
             Come on, baby. Give it to me.

                                                          DICK
             Oh, look, you got a flat, too.  Let me pump some air.

Sara is now lying face down.  Dick on top of her, doing breast strokes.

                                                          DICK (CONT'D)
             I saved the best for last.   The swimmer's position.

                                                          SARA 
             Finish, baby.  I had enough.

                                                          DICK
             Just one more lap.

Dick comes to rest.  They both lay still for a moment smiling.

                                                          SARA
             That was the best sex I ever had.

                                                          DICK
             Don't ask me to do it again I don't remember what I did.

They linger in the same position for a moment.

                                                          DICK (CONT'D)
             I feel hot.

                                                          SARA
             You want it again?  Let's take a break.
 
                                                          DICK
             No, I mean… I feel like I’m burning.

Sara takes a sniff.

                                                          SARA  
             I smell something burning, too.

Dick suddenly jumps up, holding his butt.  The fireplace very close.

                                                          DICK
             Oh shit!  I think my lips caught fire.

Sara stares at Dick, startled, laughing.        

                                                          SARA
             Boy, you really got those words mixed up.

EXT. BROOKLYN - LUXURY CONDO BUILDING - VALET PARKING - NIGHT

Sara’s car pulls up.  The parking ATTENDANT, a young man in uniform, opens the door for her.

                                                    ATTENDANT
             Good evening, which apartment please?

                                                          SARA	
					(handing him the key)
             16M

                                                    ATTENDANT
             And your name please.

                                                          SARA
             Sara Ferguson

The attendant hands a ticket to Sara.

                                                    ATTENDANT
             Thank you, Ms. Ferguson.  Have a pleasant evening.

Sara locks arms with Dick.

                                                          SARA
             Come on hon, let's go.

INT. CONDO HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Dick and Sara stand outside the door, MUSIC BLARES from inside.  Sara fixes her hair, and dress.

                                                          SARA
             Sounds like it's going to be fun!   You better behave cuz
	     I'm watching you.

She rings the buzzer, and a young, strikingly beautiful woman, BROOKLYN THOMAS, 23, opens the door.  She welcomes Dick and Sara with a huge smile.

                                                          BROOKLYN
             Hi Dick, how nice to see you guys.  Thanks so much for coming.
             Come on in.

As they enter, Dick gestures towards Sara.

                                                           DICK
             Oh, this is my aunt, Sara.   Honey this is Brooklyn. 

Sara laughs it off.

                                                           SARA
             Excuse him.  He has a weird sense of humor.  I’m Sara, his fiancé. 

                                                       BROOKLYN
             Yes, I heard so many nice things about you. I've been really looking forward 
             to meeting you.
            
                                                           SARA
             Thanks so much.  Dick kept telling me how beautiful you are.

Dick hands Brooklyn a gift-wrapped bottle of Champagne.

                                                           DICK
             We got you this dildo.  I hope you’ll enjoy it.               

Brooklyn can't hide her displeasure.  Sara jumps in quickly.

                                                           SARA                                         
             I'm so sorry he really meant to say Champaign

                                                       BROOKLYN
						(hesitant)    
             You really didn't have to...  Come on, I’ll introduce you to my friends.

MAIN ROOM

They enter a sleekly designed room.  In the center, balloons and ribbons hang from the ceiling, scattering light glitter on the floor.  Music pumps, as a group of people dance under the balloons.  Others mingle, drink and laugh.  Brooklyn points to Bruce across the room talking to some  guests

                                                       BROOKLYN
             There's Bruce.   He's been waiting for you

Sara follows Brooklyn, while Dick, walks further behind.  He goes right through the dancing crowd.  Two women in revealing dresses step up to Dick, laughing and moving wildly to the music.  One of the women rubs her chest against him, while the other one grinds her butt against him. Dick stands and watches in amazement

                                                                                                                       CUT TO:

						       BRUCE

Brooklyn taps Bruce on the shoulder.

                                                       BROOKLYN
             Look who's here!

Bruce turns and smiles broadly.

                                                          BRUCE
             You guys made it!

He kisses Sara on the cheek

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
             You look beautiful!

                                                           SARA
             Thanks.

                                                          BRUCE
             And where is your fiancé?  May I ask?

They turn around as Dick catches up with them.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
             There he is, the groom to be.

Bruce and Dick embrace.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
                                                         (to Sara)
             So was it OK?  Getting here?

                                                           SARA
                                                      (to Dick)
             Yeah, we had a smooth ride, right hon?

						         DICK
             Only this last part.  From the door to here got a little bumpy.

Everyone looks at him for a moment, not understanding what he is talking about.

                                                          BRUCE
                                                     (to his guests)
             Excuse me for a moment.
                                            (to Sara, Dick, and Brooklyn)
             Let's go guys I'll fix you some drinks.

They go to the bar, Bruce, behind it.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
             What would you like Sara?

                                                      BROOKLYN
             He makes some KICK-ASS apple martinis

Sara giggles.

                                                           SARA
             Apple martini for me then.  

                                                      BROOKLYN
             Apple martini for me too, please, bartender!

                                                          BRUCE
             Coming right up!

Bruce makes the drinks and hands them to the girls.  Brooklyn grabs Sara's hand.

                                                      BROOKLYN
             Let's go on the balcony.  I want to show you the view.

Sara and Brooklyn leave toward the balcony.

                                                          BRUCE
             And, for you my friend…

Dick picks a bottle of wine, sitting on the bar, and looks at it.

                                                           DICK
             I'll have some of this baby.

                                                          BRUCE
             Oh that's a great wine, one of my favorites.  At least when it comes to wines 
             it seems that you still have your sanity,

Bruce grabs a glass from the overhead rack, and pours.

                                                           DICK                
             A little more…

Bruce carefully pours a little more.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
             A tad more…

Bruce pours a little more, careful not to over-pour. 

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
             That's perfect.

Dick then takes the bottle from Bruce’s hand.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
             Cheers, man.

He drinks from the bottle.  Bruce holds the wine glass and just stares.  Dick swishes the wine in his mouth, and shakes his head, assessing it.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
             It's really nice. It has the aroma of urine with playful notes of horse dung. 
                
Dick turns and sees a couple of stylish young women and a guy behind him, mingling.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
                                                         (Shouts)
             Parte…

The folks smile, and raise their wine glasses.  Dick raises the wine bottle, and smash their wine glasses, breaking two and spilling wine over the young women's clothing.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
             Cheers, folks!

Dick, mindless of what had just happened, walks on, and continues yelling and dancing.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)       
             Yeah… let's parte…

One of the young women, ASHLEY, looks down at her clothes, in shock.

                                                          ASHLEY
             Asshole!

Bruce looks on from behind the bar in disbelief, shaking his head.

EXT. BALCONY - CONTINUOUS

It’s a gorgeous night and a light breeze is blowing.  The Brooklyn Bridge looks spectacular against the twinkling lights of lower Manhattan’s skyline.  Sara stands in awe of the view, while Brooklyn gestures towards a handful of guests lounging around.

                                                      BROOKLYN
             And these are my European neighbors.

Brooklyn waves to one of them

                                                     BROOKLYN (CONT'D)
                                                        (in Italian)
             Antonio!  Are you having fun?

                                                       ANTONIO
                                                      (in Italian)
             Very nice, come join us.

                                                      BROOKLYN
                                                   (in Italian)
             Later.

                                                           SARA
             You speak Italian?

                                                      BROOKLYN
             A little, he’s been teaching me.

Sara and Brooklyn walk to the edge of the balcony sipping their cocktails.  Sara looks out at the view, her dreamy eyes glowing, the gentle breeze blowing through her hair.

                                                          SARA
             What an amazing view!

                                                      BROOKLYN
             I moved to New York seven months ago for my modeling career.  I   
             wanted to be in Brooklyn, and have a view of Brooklyn Bridge.  I know
             it all sounds so corny, especially, since I have the same name.

                                                           SARA
             Oh, no, not at all, I think this is just beautiful.  I wish I could afford 
             something like this.

                                                      BROOKLYN
             Oh!  I couldn't afford it myself either.  My parents got it for me.  They also 
             thought it’d be a good investment.  I couldn't be any happier.
 
                                                           SARA
             Where are your parents?

                                                      BROOKLYN
             In LA.  I want to stay here for few years then go back to pursue 
	    something in acting

They both gaze out at the view.

                                                      BROOKLYN
             I'm so sorry for what happened to Dick.  Is he going to be OK?

Sara's eyes become teary.  She rubs them with the back of her hand.  Brooklyn gently rubs her shoulders.

                                                           SARA
             We'll be fine.  He's trying, and I'm trying my best too.  But 
             it's hard, you know.  We have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. 
             Hopefully, we'll have a better assessment of his condition

                                                      BROOKLYN 
             Will it be OK if I go with you?

                                                           SARA
					  (smiling)
             You don't have to, but if you like, sure!

Brooklyn smiles back.

                                                      BROOKLYN
             So what do you do for living?

                                                           SARA
             Well my job is not as glamorous as yours.  I'm a dentist’s secretary.
             It's OK.  I like it, and it pays the bills, you know.

                                                      BROOKLYN
             No, that's great.  So how did you two meet?

Sara takes a sip and looks out at the view again. 

                                                           SARA
             Well, we went to the same high school in Queens, and we always had
             a crush on each other.  But we started dating seriously three years ago.

                                                      BROOKLYN  
             Oh that is so sweet, and here you are, about to get married.

                                                           SARA
             Yeah, and what about you? How did you meet Bruce?
 
                                                      BROOKLYN
             He came to clean the windows of my building few times, and he was 
             always doing silly things behind the window that made me laugh.  And 
             of course, he is hot looking too...   So is Dick
					(looking inside)
             I think we should go back. There are many pretty looking women here 
             tonight so we can't leave our men alone for too long.

They both laugh, and head back in.

MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS 

Hors d'oeuvres are spread on a corner table, tastefully decorated.  Dick stands beside it, surrounded by several guests.  A MALE GUEST thinks he's serving.

                                                          MALE GUEST
             I’ll have some Hummus, and Baba Ganoush, with Pita, please.

Dick quickly takes the his hand and smears a layer of hummus on his palm.  He tops it off with Baba Ganoush.  The man just stares at his palm.

                                                          MALE GUEST (CONT'D)
             May I have some pita bread?

Dick grabs a fistful of perfectly cut pita breads, and drops them in the man's pocket.

                                                           DICK
             Oh, wait a minute, let me garnish that.

He takes a small pickle, opens the guy's fly, puts it in, and zips it closed enough so that the pickle sticks out.   Dick waves the guy off.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
             You're all set, go on now, next!

A young WOMAN IN WHITE DRESS steps up, and poses seductively.  Dick looks at her, unfazed.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
             What can I get you?

The woman sneers at him in disgust.

                                              WOMAN IN WHITE DRESS
             Nothing!  

She turns and starts to walk away.  Dick stares at her behind.  He takes a bottle of mustard and squirts a load on her butt.

                                                           DICK
             Well then, have some mustard with your buns. 

The woman, unaware of what happened, turns, and smiles.  Sara approaches Dick, and grabs his arm.

                                                           SARA
             Let's dance.

Sara drags Dick to the dance floor.

                                                           SARA (CONT'D)                        
             What are you doing?  There are important people from the fashion and   
             entertainment world here.
                 
                                                           DICK
             Yeah, but they love my appetizers.

Dick taps on the shoulder of a guy, dancing with his back to them.  He turns, and reveals a face covered in red cocktail sauce, with shrimps, pinned to his jacket with toothpicks.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
             Hey!  How was that shrimp cocktail?

The guy smiles, takes one of the shrimps, rubs it on his face, and puts it in his mouth.

                                                            GUY
             Best I ever had.  My girl friend can't stop licking my face either.

Dick looks at Sara's shocked face, and smiles.

                                                           DICK
             You see?  That's another testicle to my work.

                                                           SARA
             I think you meant testimony.

Dick takes a bite from a dip-covered piece of bread he is holding, then looks around and spots the young woman in white dress, dancing.  The mustard is still on her butt.  Dick takes a step towards her, and slaps her butt with the bread.  The young woman looks at him, shocked.

                                                           DICK
             Sorry! Just wanted to get some mustard

The woman smiles but shrugs him off, and continues dancing.  The mustard smear on her butt is prominent. 

                                                           SARA
             Oh my god!  I can't believe you just did that.

Dick casually takes another bite from the bread.

                                                           DICK 
             Tastes better now!  I gotta use the restroom.  Wait right here.

Sara just stands motionless and in shock, staring at Dick walking away.

RESTROOM - MOMENTS LATER  

Dick opens the restroom’s door, and finds a GUY and YOUNG WOMAN inside. The YOUNG WOMAN sits on the toilet bowl, while the guy, stands right in front of her with pants down to his knees.  Dick doesn't catch what they're doing.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
             Is there room for one more?

Without looking or replying, the guy slams the door closed.

INSIDE THE RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS                                              

                                                           YOUNG WOMAN
             I think we should go now.

                                                           GUY
             He’s got to wait, don't stop now baby, it feels so good.

The guy looks down on the floor, and notices a puddle forming around his shoes. He turns and sees that it is coming from under the door.   He quickly opens it.  Dick has one end of a long vacuum cleaner hose stuffed in his pants with the nozzle end under the door.  His eyes are closed as he is relieves himself, HUMMING the tune "Singing In The Rain"  The guy shoves Dick out of the way as he and the young woman leave. 

                                                           GIRL
             What an Asshole! 

MOMENTS LATER

A CHUBBY WOMAN approaches the bathroom.  She sees Dick standing with the hose sticking out of his pants. Dick takes the hose out, offering it to the woman.
 
                                                           DICK 
             I'm done!  You can use it.

MOMENTS LATER
 
Dick runs out in a panic, and is immediately hit in the head by the vacuum cleaner's hose thrown at him.  

                                                WOMAN (O.S.)
             Stick that up your ass, faggot. 

Dick walk away and runs into Sara.

                                                           SARA
             Are you OK, honey?   What took you so long?

                                                           DICK
             It was occupied, so I had to use the restroom extension. 
             Then I tried to show this woman how to use it…

                                                           SARA
             Restroom extension!?

                                                           DICK
             Yeah, the bathroom extension, you know…

Sara remains completely at a loss.

                                                           SARA
             I have no idea what that is.
                                                   (touching his cheek)
             What did you do this time?    Come on, they're cutting the cake

MAIN ROOM - CONTINUOUS
 
Everyone has gathered around a big and beautifully decorated cake in the middle of a table. Bottles of champagne stand in ice buckets.  Brooklyn blows out the candles, and everyone begins to sing Happy Birthday.  Sara brings Dick a plate of cake.

                                                           SARA
             Honey, this cake is so yummy.  I'm gonna get some more.

Dick eats a piece then looks around.  The young woman in white dress stands nearby, having cake and champagne.  Dick walks over, and checks out her behind. 

                                               WOMAN IN WHITE DRESS
             Are you looking for something?

                                                           DICK
             I'm going to get some champagne, would you like some more too?

                                               WOMAN IN WHITE DRESS
             Yes please.  That's very sweet of you.

Dick looks down her open-front dress and exposed cleavage. 

                                                           DICK
             I’ll put my plate on the rack, for a minute if you don't mind.

He rests the plate with cake on the woman's chest.  She's stunned.
 
                                               GIRL IN WHITE DRESS
                                                         (furious)
             Get this thing off of me right now!

Dick tries to grab the plate, but tips it over.  The cake falls inside the woman's dress.  Dick digs his hand in.

                                                           DICK
             I'm so sorry, let me get that out.

The cake gets smeared all over the woman's breasts.  Horrified, she looks about to cry. Sara runs back, and finds Dick’s arm deep inside the woman’s dress.

                                                           SARA
             Dick!  What have you done? 
				(to woman)
	     Oh, I'm so sorry about that.

                                                           DICK
             I'm making progress here, there’s a little more cake down there.
                 
                                                           SARA
             Move back! 

Sara shoves Dick back, takes the girl's hand, and pulls her away.

EXT. VALET PARKING - CONTINUOUS

As Dick and Sara wait for their car.  Sara stands with arms folded, furious. The parking attendant drives up.  Dick smiles.

                                                           DICK
             I like this place.  You come with a Toyota and leave with a Ferrari.         
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
														CUT TO:

Sign on a door:   "Dr. Jeffery Salinger: Psychologist, Psycho Therapist, and Mental Health Specialist"

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - WAITING AREA - DAY

Dick, Sara, Brooklyn, and Bruce sit in the waiting area. 

                                                   RECEPTIONIST
             Dick?
                              
                                                           SARA
             Yes, he's here.

                                                   RECEPTIONIST
             Please follow me.

INSIDE DOCTOR’S ROOM

DOCTOR SALINGER, 68, full white hair, but looking half his age, sits at his desk.  Across from him, Dick, and Sara sit.

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             What brings you folks here today?

Sara moves closer, anxious.

                                                           SARA
             My name is Sara, and this is my fiancé, Dick.  Doctor Levingston referred us.

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             Oh yes, we spoke recently and he mentioned you.  What exactly happened?

                                                           SARA
             My fiancé took a blow to the head at work, and ever since, he’s
             been having periods of very odd behavior…   He says or does
             things that, are completely out of context.

The doctor listening carefully looks at Dick for a moment then turns to Sara.

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             Sorry to hear that.  Could I have few moments with him alone?

                                                           SARA
             Oh yes, absolutely!

She gets up and gives Dick a light kiss on the cheek.

                                                           SARA (CONT'D)
             See you in a bit hon!

She closes the door behind her.  The doctor and Dick are alone together.

                                                        DOCTOR  SALINGER                            
             OK, Dick!  I'm going to show you a series of drawings, and I want you 
             to first, tell me what shape each represents, and then, I'll put them 
             together, and want you to tell me what objects they remind you of.

The doctor turns on a projector, an image is projected on a big screen.

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER (CONT'D)
             What shape is that?

Dick scratches his head, thinking.

                                                           DICK
             It's a triangle.

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             Correct.

The doctor shows another image

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER (CONT'D)
             And this?

                                                           DICK
             Oh I know, it’s a circle.

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             You got that one right too.

The doctor projects two images.

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             Now I want you to name these shapes.

                                                           DICK
                                                    (confidently)
             The one on the left is a rectangle, and the other one is a cube.

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             Good, now I want you to name the objects I'm going to make.

Dick shifts in his chair, impatiently.  Without looking, he gestures towards a penholder sitting on the desk.  It's made from a piece of tree trunk.
                                    
                                                           DICK
             Doctor!  Do you see that!?

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             See what!?

Dick again points to the penholder with his head without looking at it.

                                                           DICK
             That!  Thing!

Doctor looks at the pen-holder.

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             Yes!  What about it?

Upset, Dick tries hard not to look at the penholder.

                                                           DICK
             You’ve got a piece of shit on top of your desk.

The doctor calmly picks up the pen holder, and smiles, as if remembering something.

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             This is a piece of a tree trunk made into a penholder.  It's beautifully crafted, 
             don’t you think?  It was a gift from an African friend.

He then extends the penholder towards Dick

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER (CONT'D)
             Go ahead and hold it, you can feel it for yourself.

Dick remains uneasy and unconvinced.  He climbs on top of the desk, and pulls his pants down.  With knees bent, his exposed butt hovers just over the desk. The doctor initially is not certain how to react, but soon realizes Dick’s intention.  His eyes widen with horror.

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER (CONT'D)
             Hey, wait a minute, what are you doing?  You can’t do that here!

                                                           DICK
					(zipping up his pants)
             Do you see any difference between that and this?

The doctor is speechless, eyes wide in disbelief

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             Now, that’s some piece of shit!

The doctor as if has just realizes what has taken place suddenly sprints up

MOMENTS LATER +

The office door opens, Doctor Salinger screams and shoves Dick out.

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             Get him out of here!

Sara, Bruce and Brooklyn rush over, worried.
           
                                                           SARA
             What’s wrong doctor?

                                                        DOCTOR SALINGER
             He…He… just took a dump on my desk.

Everyone looks to Dick, disgusted, and in disbelief.   Dick nervously tries to explain.

                                                            DICK
             I was just trying to make a point.  

INT. J&J WINDOW CLEANING COMPANY - DAY 

Bruce and Dick prepare for another day's work, when Patrona walks up glancing over at them and not looking too happy.

                                                           PATRONA
             Maybe I shouldn’t send you out together again.   It’s, just too much drama.
                
Bruce and Dick quietly continue getting ready

                                                           PATRONA (CONT'D)
                                                      (looking at Dick)
             Is he even fit to work?

Dick stops what he's doing with an air of pride.

                                                           DICK
             I've been working, and supporting myself since the age of sixty.

                                                           PATRONA 
                                                       (Chuckles)
             What are you talking about?  You're only twenty nine.

Bruce interrupts the conversation, chuckling

                                                          BRUCE
             Dick has a great sense of humor.

Patrona stops laughing, and his face twists to look very serious.

                                                           PATRONA
             Well then, consider this your last chance working together.

                                                          BRUCE
             Oh don't worry, BOSS!  We've got it under control.

Dick suddenly turns around holding a commercial grade liquid spray tank.

                                                           DICK
             This thing doesn't work

He then points the nozzle at the manager, and squirts him with burst of cleaning liquid.The boss, his face covered in foam, just freezes.  Bruce swiftly pulls the nozzle away.

                                                          BRUCE
             What the hell are you doing?  Sorry about that boss.

Dick scrambles to clean up the mess.  He grabs a squeegee, and starts rubbing it on his boss's face.  Patrona, stands motionless, then suddenly takes the squeegee away from Dick.
                                                           
				                         BRUCE (CONT'D)
             Dude!  Have you lost your mind?  He is not a window.

                                                              BRUCE (CONT'D)
                                                            (to Patrona)
             Boss, you know, he sometimes gets very passionate about his job.

Bruce grabs a towel, and tries to wipe the liquid off Patrona's face, but he's pushed away. Patrona glares at Dick and Bruce. 

                                                                PATRONA
             One more fuck up, and you both will be gone for good.

He turns and walks away.

EXT. J&J BUILDING - ROOFTOP - LATER

Dick and Bruce secure their harnesses.

                                                          BRUCE
             Damn it!  I forgot the tools, can you run down, and get them?

                                                           DICK
             But… they're not open yet.

                                                          BRUCE
             No!  You're not going to the store.  The tools are in the back of the van!

Dick thinks for a moment.

                                                           DICK
             Oh… So we can open it anytime we want.

                                                          BRUCE
             Yes!   Now look at me... The tools are in a bucket.

Bruce pauses to make sure Dick is paying attention.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
             A blue bucket.
 
                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
					(pointing up)
             Color of the sky.   
                                                         
                                                           DICK
             OK, that's easy enough.

Bruce forms a circle with his arms.

                                                          BRUCE
             It's round.

                                                           DICK
             Got it.

                                                          BRUCE
             Great, now go get it, and don't come back with a slice of pizza.

INT. J&J VAN - CONTINUOUS

Dick spots the blue bucket.

                                                           DICK
                                               (muttering to himself)
             This must be it.

He pulls it out, examines it, and carefully looks up at the sky.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
             Color!  Check!

He then puts his arms around the bucket, hugging it.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)           
             Shape!  Check!  This has to be it.

As Dick is about to close the door, he's attacked from behind by three transvestites in short skirts and high-heals.  One of them kicks Dick hard while the other two shove him against the van.  The two then quickly grab him by his arms.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
             Nice to meet you.  My name is Dick, how you all doin?

The transvestite who kicked him, MARION, 46, presses a gun to Dick’s side.

                                                        MARION
             Shut up, and don't make any stupid moves.

The other two firmly hold onto Dick, and lead him towards a waiting car.

                                                           DICK
             Look, I'd love to party with you all, but I'm working.  Maybe we can 
	     hang out after six?

The two transvestites push him into the back seat of the car. 

INT. TRANSVESTITES' CAR - CONTINUOUS

Transvestite #3 sits in the front passenger seat, while Marion and Transvestite #1 sit on either side of Dick.

                                                        MARION
             Do you remember us?

Dick glances at one and then the other.  Marion is the same one who struck him in the head from the earlier encounter, and the other is the one who was getting pushed out of the window.  

                                                          DICK
             You're the guy from valet parking?  You've grown boobs!
              
                                                       MARION
             Small world, ain’t it?  Where's the diamond?  
 
                                                          DICK
             Oh, yes, the diamond!  Well I've looked at a few, but haven't decided yet.

Marion looks at her friends in the car.  They all laugh.

                                                        MARION
             Looks like we got a comedian.

                                                        DRIVER
             Yeah, he'll soon find out what kind of shit he's gotten himself into

EXT. J&J BUILDING - ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS

Bruce looks over the edge of the roof

                                                         BRUCE
             What the hell happened to him?

EXT. J&J VAN - CONTINUOUS

Bruce finds the back door open.  The bucket lies on the ground, and the tools scattered around.

                                                         BRUCE (CONT'D)
             Where the fuck are you?  I should have come down myself

Bruce takes out his CELL PHONE, and makes a call.  INTERCUT WITH:

INT. TRANSVESTITES' CAR - CONTINUOUS

Dick's phone rings.  Marion reaches into Dick's pocket and takes out the phone. 

                                                         BRUCE (CONT'D)
             Dude!  Where are you?

An effeminate voice replies.

                                                        MARION
             Don't worry, honey.  Your friend's in good hands.  Do you
             want to say something to him?

                                                         BRUCE
             Who the fuck are you?  Let me talk to Dick.

                                                        MARION
             Go ahead, sweetie.  He can hear you.
 
                                                         BRUCE
             Dude!  What happened?  Where the fuck are you?

                                                          DICK
             I am with four guys with breasts. 

Bruce stares at the phone.

                                                         BRUCE
             Guys with breasts?   What the fuck are you saying, man?

                                                        MARION 
             You see love?  He's okay, as long as he cooperates.
		
						      BRUCE
             Cooperate?  Who the--

						      MARION
	     Just setting things back in order...

                                                         BRUCE
             Look, he's not not mentally stable right now, and--

                                                        MARION
             I'm sure he's stable enough to remember what he did with the diamond.

                                                         BRUCE       
             What diamond?  What are you taking about?

                                                        MARION
             That's all the time you had, bye!

                                                         BRUCE
             Wait a minute!  You--

Bruce looks down at his phone.

                                                         BRUCE (CONT'D)	
					(to himself)
             It's got to be those trannies. 

Bruce dials again.  Dick's voice message kicks in:  "Hi, I can’t come to the phone now, please leave a message and--"  Bruce hangs up.

                                                         BRUCE (CONT'D)
             Fuck, man.

INT. TRANSVESTITES' CAR - CONTINUOUS

Marion flips the phone, and throws it in her purse.

                                                   	  MARION
             Your friend was worried about you.  What would four gorgeous 
             ladies do to harm you?  All we want is the diamond.
              
Transvestite #3 turns.

                                                  TRANSVESTITE #3                                               
             The Boss'll make him talk.  Hey, let's open the champagne for catching him.
               
                                                        DRIVER
              She's right

Transvestite #3 takes a bottle of champagne out of a cooler, and pops it open.  The cork bounces off the ceiling, and everyone cheers.  Dick also celebrates.

                                                          DICK
             Yeah, party up!

Everyone stares at Dick, puzzled.

                                                          DICK (CONT'D)
             What's wrong?

They laugh as Transvestite #3 fills the cups, and passes them around.

                                                        DRIVER
             Hey, where'd the cork go?

                                                          DICK
             I know where.

Dick turns to Transvestite #1, and sips his hand between her legs.  Surprised, she giggles as Dick's hand moves up her skirt.

                                             TRANSVESTITE #1
             Ooh!  Not there honey, go left..., yeah!  There...

Dick takes the cork out and smiles proudly while holding it up.

                                                          DICK
             There’s another cork up there.  I'll get it.

Transvestite #1 tousles her hair to the side.  As Dick gets ready to slide his hand up her skirt again, Marion grabs him by the collar, and pulls him back.

                                                        MARION
             Don't make another move or I'll really have to hurt you.  Remember 
             who's holding the gun.
                                                        
                                                          DICK	
					(holding up cork)
             But, I'm holding the cork!

                                                        MARION
             You are messed up.  Now I understand what your friend was saying.

He reaches over and slaps Transvestite #1.

                                                        MARION (CONT'D)
             Whore!  I'll deal with you later.

                                                          DICK
             Why did you hit her?  Whore is a beautiful name. 
				     (turning to Transvestite #1)
	     Hello, Whore.  You know, there's a saying:
             "A Whore a day keep the doctors away."

 Fed up, Marion puts the gun against Dick's temple.

                                                        MARION
             Shut up!  Not another word

                                                        DRIVER
             Police car coming up.
 
A police car pulls up to their right. Both cars are now stopped at the traffic light.

                                                          DICK
             I know them.  They're uniformed doormen from one of our buildings.

Marion presses the gun to Dick's side while pushing him down. 

                                                        MARION
             You better stay down, and keep quiet.

                                                  TRANSVESTITE #3
             OK, girls, I'll distract them. 

COP 1 in the driver seat looks them over.

                                                         COP 1 
             How are you, ladies?

Transvestite #3 fixes her hair in a seductive way as she smiles.

                                                  TRANSVESTITE #3
             Hi handsome, you look stressed, need a long massage?

The cops look at each other and begin to laugh.  Cop1 turns back to her.

                                                         COP 1
             We get that from our wives every night.
                                                  
						TRANSVESTITE #3
             But we give you much more .
                                                         
   						COP 1
             Oh, I bet you do.

The cops look at each other again and laugh. 

                                                        MARION
             Come on now, cops like adventures, don't you love what you see?

Cop 1 turns around and is transfixed by Dick, kneeling on top of the seat facing Whore.  Only his arm is visible jerking rapidly.

                                                         COP 1 
             What’s that guy doing?

Marion turns, and her eyes bulge out.

                                                        MARION                                         
             What… the hell?.

Dick turns around, holding the champagne bottle, his thumb covering its mouth.

                                                          DICK
             I'm showing Whore how to professionally clean windows.

He let’s his thumb go and the champagne gushes out on Marion’s face.

                                                         COP 1 
             Are you drinking in there?  Pull over, now! 

Marion turns to the driver.

                                                       MARION
             Step on it!   Go, go, go!
 
The light changes to green and the transvestites’ car takes off, wheels screeching.

INT. POLICE CAR - CONTINUOUS

                                                        COP 1
             Son of a bitch!

The police car’s lights flash with SIRENS BLARING.  A chase begins through the streets. COP 2, in passenger seat speaks into his Walkie Talkie.                                                        

 					         COP 2
             We need backup.  Subjects heading north towards the Bronx.
             Black Nissan Maxima.  Occupants are four prostitutes and…
              … their pimp

INT. TRANSVESTITES’ CAR - CONTINUOUS

Marion watches intently where they go.

                                                       MARION
             Turn here!

The car turns into an alley.  Marion points his gun at Whore and then at Dick.

                                                       MARION (CONT'D)
             You two got us into this bullshit.   Boss wants this asshole alive,
              but I will kill you, and I promise you that.

Whore looks petrified, her voice trembling.

                                                        WHORE
             I… I didn't do anything wrong.

                                                          DICK
                                                      (to Marion)
             Don’t worry, I can show you how to clean windows, too.  Bend over.

Marion tightens her lips with anger.

                                                       MARION
             Shut the fuck up and get down.

The police car reappears in the rearview mirror, speeding out of a side street.

                                                       DRIVER
             Oh shit!   They're behind us again.

                                                       MARION
             I’ll take em out.

Marion leans out of the window, and starts SHOOTING.

INT/EXT. POLICE CAR - CONTINUOUS

Cop 2, still radio, tries to hang on as the car races through the streets.

                                                        COP 2
             Shots fired.  Shots fired.  We are being shot at.

Cop1 shoots back at the transvestites, taking out a back light.

INT/EXT. TRANSVESTITES’ CAR - CONTINUOUS

Transvestite #3 takes out a fully automatic weapon and starts shooting.  Bullets hit the police car.  Shattering the windshield.  Unable to see, Cop 2 kicks the part of the windshield out. 

INT/EXT. POLICE CAR - CONTINUOUS

                                                        COP 1
             What the fuck?

The cars enter a narrow street, where a garbage truck is backing up to pick up piles of trash.

INT/EXT. TRANSVESTITES’ CAR - CONTINUOUS

                                                       DRIVER
             Sit tight!

The transvestites’ car jumps over the curb and right into the piles of trash bags.  Trash fliesup into the air and rains back down. 

INT/EXT POLICE CAR - CONTINUOUS

The cops see a large trash bag heading straight for their car.

                              COP 1                                                  COP 2
               Oh… Shi...t…                                         Oh… Shi...t…

The bag hits the remaining windshield, bursts and buries the two cops to their stomachs in trash. The car veers off, skirts a wall, spins out of control, hits a lamp post, and comes to stop.

INT. TRANSVESTITES’ CAR - CONTINUOUS

The driver looks in the mirror, screams, elated.

                                                       DRIVER
             Yeah!  We got ‘em!

The transvestites’ car speeds around a corner, tires screeching and smoking.  Suddenly, two more police cars appear behind them. 

                                                       DRIVER (CONT'D)
             Fuck!  This isn’t over yet

                                                       MARION
             I got this.

She shoots the back window, shattering it.  Then shoots at the police cars through the back. Dick, who’s been lying low, slowly moves up, holding a bra.                                                          

							DICK
                                                  (to Marion)
             Maybe you can use these?  I got it from Whore.

                                                       MARION
						(closing his eyes)
             Are you crazy?  What am I gonna do with that?

Dick demonstrate how his weapon works.  He stretches the bra then releases.  The cork shoots out, hitting Marion in the forehead.

                                                       MARION (CONT'D)
						(snatching the bra)
             Give me that, you idiot!  I've had enough of you.

The driver looks into the side mirror and spots several other police cars joining the chase.

                                                       DRIVER
             More cops.  This is not going down as planned.
            
The transvestites' and several police cars in pursuit maneuver among the cars on the road at high speed.  They come upon a tanker with words:  "Caution! Contents under high pressure." written on its back. Transvestite #3 fires at the tanker, causing an EXPLOSION.  Thick foam gushes out at high pressure. The tanker spins out, and very soon the road is covered with the slippery foam.  
Cars skid out of control, crashing into one another. The transvestites and a police car barely mange to squeeze by the tanker, sideswiping it.   Behind them, a big pile up of cars are mired in the slippery foam.The transvestites’ and one police car, still in pursuit turn into a one-way street. MARION continues shooting at the police, and the officers returning fire.  Whore suddenly leans out of the window and throws the champagne bottle at the police car. The bottle hits the windshield and shatters it.  The police car loses control and overturns.

INT. TRANSVESTITES’ CAR - CONTINUOUS

Both Dick and Marion pause and stare at Whore with, disbelief, and admiration.

                                                        MARION
             Did you… actually, just do that?

                                                          DICK
             You did good.  Just remember to use the bottle like I showed you. 

The car turns onto a street, where an Old Man washes his car.
 
                                                        MARION
             Stop here.  We're taking his car.  Now everyone stay together. 

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

The Old Man listens to loud foreign music as he cleans his car.  Marion, sneaks up from behind and puts the gun to the man's head.

                                                        MARION
             Your keys!

The Old Man stands stunned.  Marion pushes him back and looks inside the car.  He sees the keys in the ignition.

                                                        MARION (CONT'D)                      
             Get in ladies, quickly.

Marion gets behind the wheel and starts the car.  They drive away, while the Old Man watches in total horror.   The car turns onto the main road, and soon several police cars with lights flashing and SIRENS sounding, speed by.

INT. POLICE STATION - EARLY EVENING

Two detectives escort Bruce and Sara into a room.  DETECTIVE RON COLLINS, 53, a seasoned cop, points to the chairs near a desk.  His partner, DETECTIVE  HENRY SATO, 42, stands to a side.

                                                      DETECTIVE COLLINS
             Please sit down.  I'm Detective Ron Collins, and this is my partner, Detective 
             Henry Sato.

Sara clutches her purse and nervously sits down.  Detective Collins sits on the edge of the desk, facing Bruce and Sara.

                                                      DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
             Ms. Furgeson, earlier today police spotted the car carrying your
             husband and his abductors heading towards the Bronx.  A number of
             police cars were involved in the chase, but unfortunately, the abductors
             got away after causing a major accident. 

Detective Collins glances over at Sara and Bruce, who can’t take their eyes off of him.

                                                      DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
             The abductors then abandoned their car, and stole another car.  The owner
             is still being questioned.  We hope he can provide a lead... 

                                                      DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
                                                         (to Bruce)
             Do you wanna tell us what exactly happened?

Bruce looks at Sara

                                                         BRUCE
             Well, we were doing a job at this building, we clean windows
             you see...  And, we were setting ourselves up on the roof, when I asked 
             Dick to go to the van, and get something—

                                                          SARA
             How could you send him down alone?  You know he has a problem.

                                                         BRUCE
             He'll be OK.  Think about it.  Abducted by some transvestites...
             I mean, what's the worst that could happen to him?  Maybe they’ll
             tie him up to a bed and slap his butt cheeks?

Bruce looks at the detective.

                                                         BRUCE (CONT'D)
             Right?  Detective?

The detective stands up, and starts pacing.

                                                      DETECTIVE COLLINS
             Well, yes, they're known for killing their victims, execution style.
 
                                                         BRUCE
                                                        (to Sara)
             What…the detective meant was....

                                                           SARA
             Listen punk!  If anything happens to my husband I swear, you will 
             never see another peaceful day for the rest of your life.

She then breaks down and cries.  Detective Collins tries to comfort her.

                                                      DETECTIVE COLLINS
             Ms. Furgeson, please.  We'll bring him home to you.
                  
Sara looks at the detective, nods and wipes tears from her eyes.

                                                      DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
             Do you have a picture of him?

Sara pulls out a photo and hands it to the detective.  It's a group photo men on football team in their uniforms.  Sara smiles proudly and points at Dick.

                                                           SARA
             This is my favorite picture of him.

                                                      DETECTIVE COLLINS
             It's a nice photo.  But do you have a photo with him only?
         
Sara takes out another picture, and hands it to the detective

                                                      DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
             Do you mind if I keep it?  For now.

                                                           SARA
             No, go ahead.                                                      

						DETECTIVE COLLINS
                                                      (to Bruce)
             Alright, so then what happened?

EXT. LONG ISLAND -  MANSION - NOON

The transvestites' car drives up to the entrance.  Dick and his abductors step out. Dick looks up at the building.

                                                           DICK
             Windows need a little bit cleaning.  We have great residential rates.

                                                        MARION
   					(shoving Dick)
              Move!

INT/EXT. LONG ISLAND -  MANSION - NOON

They enter a beautifully landscaped garden, and walk up to a slick wood paneled pool deck. A small figure swims slowly towards the edge of the pool. 

                                                           DICK
             Hey, look!  There's a turtle!  In the water.

Marion nudges Dick with her elbow.

                                                        MARION
             Shut up, moron!  That's the Boss.

A MIDGET, wearing a two-piece bikini made of leopard skin, emerges from the water.  His finger and toe nails lavishly colored.  A huge bodyguard holds a towel for him as he exits the water.  The Midget quickly dries himself and walks briskly toward several beach chairs shaded by umbrellas. He picks up a drink from a small table, and takes a sip. 
On one of the chairs lies a well-groomed, Poodle.  On her back with back legs spread open, forelegs bent against its body, head tilted back, and tongue sticking out of her mouth, the dog looks to be in a deep sleep. It has a pair of sunglasses on, and is dressed in a four-piece bikini made of the same leopard material as midget's. 
The Midget takes another sip, but doesn't look at Dick.

                                                        MIDGET
             Welcome to my house.

                                                          DICK
             I like your girlfriend's bikini, I should tell my wife about it.

The Midget, still not looking at Dick, rubs the dog’s tummy

                                                         DICK (CONT'D)
             Is she the “Ripley’s Believe It Or Not” amazing six-nipple woman.

                                                         MIDGET
                                                   (stronger voice)
             So you're the guy who has my diamond!

                                                           DICK
             How could I have any of your stuff?  We just met.

The Midget walks to a high bar and points up, the bodyguard lifts him up. The Midget grabs the horizontal bar and does couple of rotations.   He flies off, flipping couple of times in the air, and lands in the waiting arms of the bodyguard.  The bodyguard cradles the midget like a baby and walks toward Dick.  He gently sets the Midget down.

                                                           DICK (CONT'D)
             Incredible!  When I was your age I was dangling from door knobs.

                                                         MIDGET
             So you don't want to talk?  You know I'm not gonna kill you.  I believe 
             killing you would be such a waste of your potential.   Instead, I’ll put 
             you to work.  I’ll let you die making money for me.
                                                    (To bodyguard)
             Search him 

The bodyguard slips his hand into Dick's side pocket.  He looks up at Dick who's grinning and apparently enjoying himself, and quickly withdraws his hand.  He slaps Dick’s face.

                                                         MIDGET (CONT'D)
             What’s wrong?

                                                     BODYGUARD
             His pocket has a big hole in it, and his--

                                                         MIDGET
             Alright… alright…I don't wanna hear it.  Search his other pockets.

The bodyguard hesitantly slips his hand into the other pocket, and removes a spent condom. He looks at it, absolutely disgusted, and throws it away.

                                                          MIDGET                    
             I see you've been cheating on your wife, too.

                                                            DICK
             Uh...no.  Actually, I practice safe sex when I'm alone.

                                                          MIDGET
             Keep searching him.

The bodyguard slowly puts his hand into another pocket, and holds it there for few seconds. He takes out an instant glue tube, and looks at his hand in horror.  His fingers are stuck together, and he frantically tries to separate them. 

                                                     BODYGUARD
             Oh shit!  My fingers…

The Midget’s lips tighten with fury

                                                         MIDGET
             Lock him up, I'm going to need him.

INT. SARA’S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Sara and Brooklyn sit on a couch, somber, while Bruce paces deep in thought.

                                                           SARA
             We can't just wait for the cops to do something.

                                                          BRUCE
             What do you mean?

                                                           SARA
             We should go look for him ourselves.

Bruce sits down in front of Sara and looks straight at her.

                                                          BRUCE
             But, how?  They have all the resources they need. We should just 
             give them time.

                                                           SARA
             Fine.  If you guys don't want to join me, then I'll go it alone.

                                                          BRUCE
             Honey, New York's a big town!   We wouldn't even know where to start.

Bruce thinks for a moment.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)   
             Hey!  Wait a minute

Sara and Brooklyn watch him intently.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)                           
             I just remembered something

                                                           SARA
             What?

                                                           BRUCE
                                                    (Transfixed)
             The voice of the person who called me was the tranny who hit Dick with the 
             wooden penis.  And, then, the cab driver told us about their gang in 
             Brooklyn.

Bruce gets up and begins typing on a laptop, while Sara and Brooklyn look on confused.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
             I want to find every transvestite hang out in Brooklyn.  And we're going to  
             find someone who knows something.

INT. MANSION - BASEMENT - NIGHT

Dick, Marion and Whore enter a dingy room.  Marion points a gun at Dick 
shoves him inside. Marion gestures towards a bed on the corner.

                                                         MARION
             Sit over there, and don't move!

Dick is hesitant.

                                                           DICK
             I can't sit there!

Marion grabs Dick's arm, and pulls him toward the bed.

                                                         MARION
             Now!  Sit here!
              
                                                         MARION (CONT'D)
                                                        (To Whore)                                             
             Make sure you keep an eye on him.  I'll be back in a little while.
          
Marion hands the gun to an assistant.

                                                         MARION (CONT'D)
             And keep this just in case.

Whore is speechless.  She just stares straight ahead. Marion looks toward Dick. 
Dick sits on the bed, pants pulled down, and about to relieve himself.   Marion runs over.

                                                         MARION (CONT'D)
             What are you doing?  I said sit not shit!

                                                         MARION (CONT'D)
                                                               (to whore)
             What is wrong with this guy?

She flaunts her hair as she heads towards the door.

                                                         MARION (CONT'D)
             I can't take any more!

She exits the room, slamming the door behind.  Whore stands there for a moment looking at Dick. She then slowly walks to the bed and sits.  Dick, with pants pulled up, slides next to her.  

                                                           DICK                                                       
             What is going on here?

Whore stares at Dick. 

                                                          WHORE
             Do you remember the day when you were cleaning windows at the 
             Sixth Ave building.
                                                     (looking at door)
             And, she wanted to kill me?  

Dick takes time to recall. 

                                                           DICK
             Yeah, yeah...

                                                          WHORE
             Then you got between us, and tried to save me, and you got hit.

                                                           DICK
             A giant prick!

                                                          WHORE
             Exactly!  We were moving drugs around in those things.  Then things 
             got a little mixed up, and a diamond that was supposed to be 
             payment went missing.   The diamond was in the statue that hit you 
	     then it fell into your pocket.

Dick absorbs what's said.

                                                           DICK
             I did feel a lump in my pocket.  And when I looked I found this 
             piece of rock.   I was like, where the hell did this shit come from?

Whore perks up.

                                                          WHORE
             That piece of rock was a diamond worth more than two 
             hundred thousand dollars.  What did you do with it?

                                                           DICK
             Nothing, I threw it away.

Whore covers her eyes in disbelief.

                                                          WHORE                          
             Oh my goodness!   Well, now you’re in deep shit, and there's nothing 
              I can do to help you.  They want you to rob a jewelry store on Madison 
              Avenue tomorrow.

The tranny gets closer, looking at Dick suggestively, and rubbing his shoulder.

                                                          WHORE (CONT'D)
             But you're a big boy, you’ll handle it.   Um… you got a hot body.
  
Dick looks down at her boobs, partially exposed in her open-front dress.

                                                           DICK                                                                   
             You guys have great bodies, too.  What exercise do you do for your 
	     chests?  I’m trying to get mine to look like that.

Whore laughs, and gets turned on the more she rubs Dick’s shoulders.

                                                          WHORE	
             We've got a little time, you wanna do it?

                                                           DICK
             I just did!

                                                          WHORE 
						(laughing)                                                   
             My God!  You really are stupid!

INT. 6TH AVE BUILDING - LOBBY - DAY

The two detectives enter, and present their badges to the security.

                                                       DETECTIVE COLLINS
           We need to search suite 605.

INT. SIXTH FLOOR - MOMENTS LATER

The elevator doors open, the detectives and building’s SUPER emerge, and walk briskly.

                                                       DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
             Have you noticed any unusual activity here recently?

                                                            SUPER
             No, I already told you downstairs.  What’s the problem?

                                                       DETECTIVE COLLINS
             Someone was attacked here, and then vanished.  We believe it’s drug 
             related.

                                                            SUPER
                                          (ringing bell to unit)
             Drugs?  No you're mistaken.  There's no drug activity in this building.

The super RINGS the bell again.

                                                            SUPER (CONT'D)
             Hello!  Anyone there?

No answer.  The super looks at Detective Collins, who nods.  The super opens the 
door.  They enter an empty office.

                                                            SUPER (CONT'D)
             See!  There's nothing here.

Detective Collins searches the cabinets in the restroom, then picks up a little trash can, and looks inside.  As he is sets it down, he notices a crumpled piece of paper.  He picks it up, and sees that it's a half torn paper with "8 pm FBI18" scribbled on it. The detective stares at it a moment, and puts it in his pocket.  
Detective Collins emerges from the restroom, and looks at his partner, who's looking through drawers of a desk.

                                                       DETECTIVE COLLINS
             Anything?

Detective Sato shakes his head, no.

                                                       DETECTIVE SATO
             Can't tell if anyone was ever here.

Detective Collins gets a phone call.

                                                       DETECTIVE COLLINS
             Hey!  What's up? … OK, we'll be right there.
                                                      (to partner) 
             Let's go.  They found the old man's stolen car in Brooklyn.
                                                       (to super)
             Thanks, pal.  We're done here.

EXT. BROOKLYN STREET - NIGHT

The detectives pull up behind the old man's stolen car.  A group of crime scene investigators collect fingerprints, and comb the area for evidence.  Detective Collins approaches a police SERGEANT.

                                                       DETECTIVE COLLINS
             What’ve you found?

                                                        SERGEANT
             Just these so far.

He holds up a clear plastic bag with a key and a lipstick in it.  Detective Collins looks inside the back of the car and sees a lot trash:  fast food wrappings, cups, and empty cans of beer.  A drawing of a two-headed snake on the back of the seat, done with lipstick gets his attention.  He takes out his cell phone and takes a photo.  
He notices an Mp3 player still  in its dock, and turns it on.  Latin MUSIC BLASTS.  The detective walks around the car thinking.  He returns to his own car, and takes out a map.

                                                       DETECTIVE COLLINS
					(pointing to a spot)
             They went here.
                                                       
						     DETECTIVE SATO
             Why would you think that?

Detective Collins looks up and points to the expressway, visible at the end of the street.

                                                       DETECTIVE COLLINS
             They took the Southern State Parkway right over there, to Long Island.

                                                       DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)	
					(pointing to map)
             There's a Cuban community, right here.

                                                       DETECTIVE SATO
             Wait a minute now.  First of all, how are you so sure you they're Cuban?  
             And then, why Long Island?  Why not Brooklyn?

Detective Collins dances to the music.

                                                       DETECTIVE COLLINS
             Cuban Salsa, man!   And, if they were heading to Brooklyn, why would they
	     drive here

                                                       DETECTIVE SATO
             Maybe the old man was listening to this music.

Detective Collins still moves to the music.

                                                       DETECTIVE COLLINS
             The old man is from Albania.  He's probably more at home 
             with the Nutcracker.
                
Suddenly, Detective Collins stops dancing.

                                                       DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
             Come on.  Let's go, we don't have much time.

They jump in the car, and drive away.

EXT. BROOKLYN - DESOLATE STREET - NIGHT

Bruce, Sara, and Brooklyn step out of their car, huddle together and look around.

                                                           SARA
             There's nothing out here. 

                                                        BROOKLYN
             I don't think this is a good idea.  We should leave.  Do you think we can be   
             back before eleven?  I have to be at a party.	
							
							BRUCE
	     Come on, let's at least look around a bit.
                  
He starts to walk and the women follow nervously.  At a street corner, they come face to face with a TRANSVESTITE IN PINK heels. 

                                                          BRUCE
             OK, girls, don't say anything.  I got it.
						(turns to Tranny)
             Hey, what's up?

                                                 TRANSVESTITE IN PINK
             Hi handsome, wanna party?  I do foursomes, too.

                                                          BRUCE
             Actually, no thanks.

                                                 TRANSVESTITE IN PINK
             I've got the best weed, coke, pills, whatever you like.
 
                                                          BRUCE
             Oh, no, no, none of that.

                                                 TRANSVESTITE IN PINK
             Then I can't help you.  Get out of here.  I got to make money.

She begins to walk away.

                                                          BRUCE
             No, wait… I've got money, look.

He shows her a handful of cash.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
             This could be all yours.  All I want is your help to find someone.

The transvestite looks from the cash to Bruce.

                                                 TRANSVESTITE IN PINK
             And this someone is...?

Bruce gets closer, speaking softly.

                                                          BRUCE
             We're looking for a man.

                                                 TRANSVESTITE IN PINK
					(bursts out laughing)                          
             Oh yeah?  I'm looking for one too, sweetie.

                                                          BRUCE
                                            (pointing at Sara)
             Her husband.  He left a couple of days ago.  Told her he was going to work,  
             but it looks like he's having an affair with a transgender woman.  Apparently  
             staying with her somewhere around here.  We want to know what he’s up to.

The transvestite looks at the three of them, suspicious.

                                                 TRANSVESTITE IN PINK
             You aren't cops, are you?

                                                          BRUCE 
                                                      (laughing)
             Cops?  Just look at us.  Do we look like cops?

The transvestite straightens her skirt.

                                                  TRANSVESTITE IN PINK                                                        
             Ok, maybe I can help you.

Bruce hands over the money.

                                                          BRUCE
             Here's a grand.  I'll give you another grand when you lead us to him.

                                                 TRANSVESTITE IN PINK
             What does he look like?

Bruce takes out a picture of Dick and hands it to her.

                                                 TRANSVESTITE IN PINK (CONT'D)
             Wow… I wouldn't mind a threesome with him...  Okay, let's go.

Bruce winks at the girls.  They all follow the transvestite down an empty street to a door marked “Social Club.”

INT. SOCIAL CLUB - SMOKY ROOM - NIGHT

A Frank Sinatra TUNE plays.  Men sit around the tables, some talking, some playing games, and some standing around a pool table.  At a big table in the center of the room, several tough-looking men play cards, drink and smoke.  Some appear to be Russian and some Latin.  One of the men has a gun on the table in front of him.

                                                 TRANSVESTITE IN PINK (CONT'D)
                                                      (to Bruce)
             You guys wait right here.

The transvestite goes over to the table, whispers something to the MAN WITH THE GUN,and shows him the picture.  The man takes a quick look.  Across the room, he sees  Bruce and the two women standing tightly together, grinning.  They give him a little wave.  The man leans back, and points with his thumb

                                                 MAN WITH THE GUN
             Get em outta here.

Bruce, still grinning, whispers to the girls.

                                                          BRUCE
             Looks like we're getting somewhere.  He's pointing at us.

The transvestite approaches.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
             You got something?

                                                  TRANSVESTITE IN PINK
             He wants you out of here.   Let's go.

EXT. SOCIAL CLUB - NIGHT

                                                          BRUCE
             So what's next?

                                                   TRANSVESTITE IN PINK
             Relax sugar!  Just follow me.

INT. XYZ CLUB - NIGHT 

The transvestite, Dick, and the women are met by a bouncer, who high fives the transvestite at the door.

                                                       BOUNCER
             What's up, babe?

                                                   TRANSVESTITE IN PINK
             I got my friends with me.

                                                       BOUNCER
             How you folks doing?  Come on in.

They descend a flight of stairs, and enter a dingy, low lit, smoky room.  The place is packed with transgender women, sitting around couches with older professional looking men, some making out.  A tranny in tight body-hugging dress dances barefoot around a pole in the middle of the small dance floor. 

                                                   TRANSVESTITE IN PINK
             Welcome to NY's underground, where men come to live their 
             secret fantasies.  Just the kind of place where you might find
	     your husband.
	     .
They make their way to the back bar, passing older men and their dates.  Sara and 
Brooklyn grab each others arm for courage. The transvestite has a few words with 
the bartender then gestures for Dick to join them.

                                                      BARTENDER
             You have a picture of this missing husband?	

						    BRUCE
	     Oh, yes.

He hands the bartender the photo.

                                                      BARTENDER
             Nope.  Never seen this guy.

A TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER with facial piercing and tattoos, sitting at the bar,
 interrupts their conversation.

                                              TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER
             May I see the picture?

She takes the picture, and looks at it closely.

                                              TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER
             I recognize him.

                                                          BRUCE
             Oh yeah?
                                              
                                              TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER
             He was here the other night with a group of people.  He looked so 
	    sweet in his cute dress
           
                                                          BRUCE
             Cute dress?

                                              TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER
             I know one of the girls in the group.  In fact, we're meeting 
             tomorrow night at 8:00.   I could find out about your friend.

Bruce anxiously gets closer to the transvestite.

                                                          BRUCE
             I really need to find this guy…

ON SARA AND BROOKLYN

Sara and Brooklyn are transfixed with the pole dancer.  She jumps and stretches a leg high,exposing herself to the two women.  Their eyes pop wide open with jaws dropped. The pole dancer extends her arm out for Brooklyn.

                                                         DANCER
             You like what you saw?  Come on, gorgeous.  Dance with me.

The dancer begins grinding her crotch on Brooklyn.   Brooklyn clings to Sara

                                                        BROOKLYN 
             I'm with my girlfriend.

                                                         DANCER
             Aw, relax sweetie, dance with me.

                                                        BROOKLYN
             No!  Really!  She's my lover, and won't be happy... 

Brooklyn suddenly embraces Sara, and kisses her. 

                                                                                                                             CUT TO:

THE BAR

                                                          BRUCE
                                      (whispering)
             I'll give you good money for this.

                                           TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER
             You don't have to pay me anything.

                                                          BRUCE
             I have to give you something.

The transvestite stares into Bruce’s eyes.

                                           TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER
             You only have to fuck me.

Bruce stares at transvestite, speechless.

                                                          BRUCE
             We… well, I'm here with my girlfriend right over there.

Bruce turns to point at Brooklyn, and sees Brooklyn and Sara kissing, while the dancer still rubs herself on Brooklyn.  Bruce can't believe what he's seeing.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
             What the fuck is going on?

Bruce goes over and pulls the girls away.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
             What the hell are you two doing?

                                                        BROOKLYN
                                             (pointing to the dancer)
             She wouldn't leave us alone.

                                                          BRUCE
					  (nodding toward transvestite in leather)
             She can help us find Dick.

                                                           SARA
             Really?

Bruce looks down, hesitant to continue.

                                                          BRUCE 
             Yes.  But she wants me to go in the back with her.

                                                        BROOKLYN
             What does that mean?                                                          
						
                                                           BRUCE
             Relax. It's all under control.  I'll be back soon

Bruce smiles, and winks at the girls, then returns to the bar.  He whispers something to the transvestite.  She stands, and leads him behind a wall.

INT. XYZ CLUB - BACK ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Bruce and the transvestite enter a small room the transvestite jumps on the bed

                                              TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER
             You gonna show me what you've got?

                                                          BRUCE
                                                      (nervously)
             I don’t know where to start?  I haven't done this before.

The transvestite smiles and gets on the bed.

                                              TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER
             Tie me up.

                                                          BRUCE
             Tie you up!?

The transvestite points to a pair of handcuffs tied to the headboard 

                                              TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER
             Yes, right there.

                                                          BRUCE
					(scratching his head, confused)
             Oh yes, that! 

The transvestite slips her hands inside the handcuffs, and Bruce locks them.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
             Is that it?

                                               TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER
             Now I want you to hit me.

                                                          BRUCE
             Hit you?  Why?  What did you do?

                                               TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER
             Stop playing stupid.  Do you want to find your friend?

                                                          BRUCE
             That's what we're here for.

                                               TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER
             Then do as I tell you.  I want you to hurt me, I wanna feel pain.

The transvestite shuts her eyes while biting her lips.

                                               TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER (CONT'D)
             Come on you pervert, mother fucker, hurt me!

Bruce nervously looks around, and spots a denture-looking toy sitting on the shelf next to the bed.  He grabs and studies it a moment, then turns it on.  The toy begins to chatter.  Bruce shrugs it off, and jumps on top of the transvestite, her legs wide open.

                                               TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER (CONT'D)
             Oh yes, just like that.   Hurt me, master.

Bruce places the chomping toy on the bed between the transvestite's legs.

                                                TRANSVESTITE IN LEATHER (CONT'D)
             What the hell are you doing?

Bruce picks the toy, and forcefully shoves it up the transvestite's skirt.  The transvestite’s eyes bulge open with shock.  Bruce quickly grabs a small towel nearby and stuffs it in her wide-open mouth. He jumps off the bed, grabs the transvestite's purse and empties it out.  He takes her phone, then throws a handful of cash at the horrified transvestite.

                                                          BRUCE
             This is for your help.  Sorry for the inconvenience.

INT. XYZ CLUB - BAR -  CONTINUOUS

Bruce walks quickly to Sara, who's waiting impatiently, and Brooklyn, who's very upset.

                                                        BROOKLYN
             What did you do back there?

Bruce grabs their hands, and pulls them towards the exit.

                                                          BRUCE
             Let's get out of here.  I'll tell you later.

                                                                                                                    CUT TO:

BACK ROOM

A TRANSVETITE IN BLUE feathers walk in with a Man looking to use the room.  They see the 
transvestite in leather tied up in bed, legs open, with the chomping toy still rolling around.

                                                TRANSVESTITE IN BLUE
             Filthy bitch.                                                         
                                                         (to the man)
             Let's go love, we’ll find another room.

INT. BRUCE’S CAR - NIGHT 

Bruce and the women sit in the car going through the information on the phone he stole.

						        BRUCE
             She mentioned something about meeting someone tomorrow night.

                                                           SARA
             Go to the calendar.

                                                          BRUCE
             There it is, eight pm, Pier A, Manhattan Beach, Brooklyn, a boat named 
             Prince of Atlantic.

EXT. MADISON AVE - DAY

A car slowly passes a row of upscale shops along Madison Ave, and comes to stop several feet past a jewelry store.  Marion is in the driver seat, Whore next to her, and Dick in the back seat.  Marion points to the jewelry store.

                                                         MARION
             There it is!

Marion hands a gun to Dick.

                                                         MARION (CONT'D)
             You're going in first.  You've got five minutes to lock everyone 
             up, and disarm the alarms.  We'll go around the block and then 
	     join you in exactly five minutes.  Got it?   

Dick steps out of the car and it pulls away.

FIVE MINUTES LATER

The transvestites sit in the car.  Marion checks his watch.

                                                         MARION (CONT'D)                                           
             Time let's go.

INT. JEWELRY STORE - CONTINUOUS

Marion and Whore, guns drawn, and masks covering their faces, burst into the jewelry store.  Two sales girls, a manager, and a security guard inside are taken by surprise.

                                                         MARION (CONT'D)
             This is a robbery!  Everyone, hands against the wall.  Do as I tell you 
	     and no one will get hurt.

Marion and Whore look around, but don't see Dick.
 
                                                         MARION (CONT'D)
             Where is the woman who just came in here?

The Manager trembles as he looks at the guns.
                                                       
						       MANAGER
             There's no one else here.  Please don't hurt anyone.  Take what you want.

Marion and Whore look at each other in confusion.

                                                          MARION
                                                        (to Whore)
             Where is she?  Let's go, we’ve got to find her.

As they run out, the manager presses a button behind the counter.

EXT.  MADISSON AVE - CONTINUOUS

As the transvestites run out towards their car, they see Dick running out of a store two doors down from the jewelry shop.  He wears a polka dot mini skirt, and high heals, and has a wig. He holds a plastic bag filled with tomatoes in one hand and few cartons of eggs in the other. Loose popcorn sticks to his arms, body and hair.

                                                            DICK
             I couldn’t find diamonds so I took these.  I tried to take some cash too
             but their ATM wasn't working either, it was shooting out popcorn.

Marion and Whore just look at him in disbelief.

                                                          MARION
             You went to the wrong store, fucking idiot!  The jewelry store is 
             over there.  Let's get out of here before the cops come. 

INT. MANSION - MIDGET’S MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Dick, flanked by Marion and Whore, stands in front of the Midget, who holds his dog, and paces the room.

                                                          MIDGET
              You idiots!

                                                          MARION
              Boss, it was him who blew it.

The Midget stops in front of Dick, staring at him straight in the eyes.

                                                          MIDGET
              You fucked up again!  

Dick smiles.
						       MIDGET
	    I should kill you now.  But why waste you?  You get one more chance.

He begins pacing again.

                                                          MIDGET (CONT'D)
              That diamond was for a payment.  Now I have to deal with 
              a very pissed off man, who will soon come to collect.

The Midget stops in front of Dick again.

                                                          MIDGET (CONT'D)
              And this is where you come in.  To be more precise, you're going to 
              Miami, and you're going to kill this man before he makes his move.

                                                            DICK
              Yeah!  I think I could handle that.  You know I served in the military,
              and was even sent into combat

                                                          MIDGET
              Perfect!  You'll have no problem killing then.

                                                            DICK
						(lost in a memory)
              Yeah!  My unit engaged an army of ants, and I killed many of them.

The Midget struggles to control his cool. 

                                                          MIDGET
              Get him out of here before I kill him myself.

Marion and Whore lead Dick away.

                                                          MIDGET (CONT'D)
                                                          (shouting)
              You fuck this one up, and you'll be dead for sure.

INT. DETECTIVES CAR - NOON

Detective Collins sits shotgun, surveying the scene in front of a bar through binoculars.  Behind the wheel, Detective Sato takes a bite from a slice of pizza.

                                                       DETECTIVE SATO
              I think we're wasting our time out here. 

                                                        DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Why do you say that?

                                                       DETECTIVE SATO
              We've been coming out here for two days now, and no one knows
              anything no one wants to say anything.  There's nothing here for us.
                                                                     
					         DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Patience is a virtue

Detective Collins suddenly sits up.  He watches a guy in a tank top leave the bar.  The guy has the double-headed snake tattoo on his arm.  Detective Collins lowers the binoculars.  

                                                        DETECTIVE COLLINS
              The two headed snake!

                                                         DETECTIVE SATO
              What?

                                                        DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Follow that guy.

                                                        DETECTIVE SATO
              What the hell is going on?

                                                        DETECTIVE COLLINS
              The two-headed snake,  on the back seat of the old man’s car.

                                                       DETECTIVE SATO
              What about it?

                                                        DETECTIVE COLLINS               
              He's got it tattooed on his arm. 

They follow the guy into a side street.

                                                        DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              Slow down, I don’t want him to notice us.

Detective Collins's phone suddenly RINGS.

                                                        DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              Who the hell is this?

                                                        DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              Hello? … Yes. …Who is this?  … Hey what's up? ...Oh really? 
              Okay, I'll be there …

He hangs up.

                                                        DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              The transvestites are at it again.  They hit a jewelry store.  And a 
              grocery store of all places.  We gotta head back.

Detective Collins looks at the man in tank top walking away.
                                                        
						DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              Lucky bastard.

EXT. MADISON AVE - JEWLRY STORE - DAY

The detectives pull up along side several police cars outside.  Detective Collins steps over police tape and approaches a police SERGEANT.  He shows off his badge.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Hey Sergeant, what's going on?

                                                          SERGEANT
              Looks like a double robbery attempt involving three individuals.  Two 
              tried to rob the jewelry store there, and one robbed the grocery store. 

                                                    DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Anyone get hurt?

                                                          SERGEANT
              No, sir.  But the lady in the grocery store is a bit shaken up.

                                                    DETECTIVE COLLINS
              What was taken?

                                                          SERGEANT
              Well, the two at the jewelry store ran away without taking anything.
 	      The one at the grocery store made off with some tomatoes and eggs.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Are you fucking serious?  

He walks angrily towards the grocery store.

INT. GROCERY STORE - CONTINUOUS

An OLD WOMAN sits slumped on a chair, drinking water from a cup.  Detective Collins shows his badge as he approaches.  

                                                    DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Hello Ma'am, Detective Ron Collins, NYPD.

The woman looks up at the detective, distraught.

                                                 DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              Sorry about what happened, I hope you're okay.  Can you tell 
              me what happened?  Whatever you can remember. 
                
The woman takes a sip of water, and a deep breath.

                                                       OLD WOMAN
              He was dressed in women's clothes.  My god, he was so lewd...
 
                                                 DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Please go on.

                                                       OLD WOMAN
						(staring off)
              He grabbed my breasts… telling me how much he liked cupcakes.  Then  
              he tried to withdraw cash from my popcorn machine. 

The woman adjusts her bra.

                                                      OLD WOMAN (CONT'D)
              I hope you catch that pervert soon.

The detective stares at the woman, trying to make sense of it all.

                                                 DETECTIVE COLLINS
              We'll need you to take a look at the store’s security cameras.  Hopefully,
              we can identify this guy. 
              
He reaches into his pocket, takes out a card and hands it to the woman.

                                                 DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              Please give me a call if you remember anything more.

INT. POLICE STATION - DETECTIVES - NIGHT

The two detectives view the video from the security cameras.  It shows Dick holding a banana to the storeowner’s throat, while using her as a shield against a barrage of popcorn popped at them from the broken popcorn vending machine. 

                                                 DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Can you blow that up?

Detective Ramirez adjusts the size.  Detective Collins gets closer to the screen.

                                                 DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              Oh, shit, that is the guy we've been looking for.

                                                  DETECTIVE SATO
              You're right, it's Dick.   He's not bad looking in that dress.

Dick and the old woman leave the frame.

                                                 DETECTIVE COLLINS                                                     
              Hold there one second, and enlarge it.

Detective Collins sees the partially visible license plate "I1826" of a car parked outside.  Then, remembering something, he reaches into his back pocket, and pulls out the piece of paper he found at the apartment. He looks at the paper "EBI18" and looks at the license plate again.He flashes a smile.

                                                 DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              I think we have their license number.

INT. BROOKLYN STREET CORNER - BRUCE’S CAR - NIGHT

Bruce drives with Brooklyn at his side, and Sara in the back.

                                                         BROOKLYN
              I think we're wasting our time here.  They probably already 
              figured out we'll be here, and canceled their meeting

Just then, a black car pulls over to the pier.  The transvestite in leather steps out of the back.  She looks around, and then walks over a small bridge to a waiting boat.  Sara leans forward to the edge of the seat. 

                                                            SARA
              Maybe it's a trap!

                                                         BROOKLYN
              She's right.  It could be a set up.  I don't like this at all.

Moments later the transvestite in leather emerges, followed by Marion.  They carry penis statues and place them in the car trunk.

                                                           BRUCE
              Oh, my, god! That’s the tranny who hit Dick. 

                                                            SARA
              What are they carrying?

                                                           BRUCE
              Have you ever heard of a cock-full of drugs?

Sara shaking her head, no.

                                                           BRUCE (CONT'D)
              That's what they are.  Penis statues stuffed with drugs.

                                                        BROOKLYN
              I think we should call the cops.

                                                            SARA
              No, let's follow them, and find out where they’re going.

                                                        BROOKLYN
              I'm calling the cops.

Sara grabs the phone from her.

                                                            SARA
              What are you doing?  Put that down, calling the cops now will only 
              complicate things more.

Bruce watches as the transvestites' car begins to pull away.

                                                           BRUCE
              Girls, please calm down let me take care of this.

Bruce puts the car in revers trying to pull out, and hits a car parked behind breaking its headlights, and setting off its alarm.

                                                           BRUCE
              Damn it!  Some people don't know how to park.

                                                        BROOKLYN
              This is why cops should handle this.

Bruce pulls out, and follows the transvestites.

                                                            SARA
              Keep the headlights off, and don't get too close.

The transvestites go through a yellow traffic light.  It turns red as Bruce approaches.

                                                            SARA (CONT'D)
              Hurry up you've got to make that light

                                                        BROOKLYN
              Slow down, you're gonna get us all killed.

Their car goes through the intersection, and traffic in both directions screeches to a halt amid sounds of honking horns and collisions.

                                                           BRUCE 
              Did we get hit?

No reply.  He turns to see if the women are okay.  Brooklyn and Sara are hugging, and kissing. 

                                                           BRUCE (CONT'D)
              This is the second time I catch you two doing that, is there 
	      something I should know?

                                                        BROOKLYN	
					(fixing her hair)
              We're protective of each other.  It's a girls’ thing.

                                                           BRUCE
              Well, if you two talk about ovulation I could understand, but all this 
              hugging, and kissing is new to me.

                                                            SARA
              Please!  Could we focus on our mission right now?

The transvestites' car turns.

                                                            SARA (CONT'D)
              They turned.  They turned.

They follow the transvestites into a narrow residential street. Cars are parked on both sides. An obese CAB DRIVER steps out of his double-parked cab and opens the back door for an elderly woman.  Bruce doesn't slow down.  Brooklyn screams.

                                                        BROOKLYN
              Watch out!

Bruce aims for the gap between the cab and the row of cars on the opposite side. The cab driver sees the fast approaching car. He pushes the old woman back into the cab and falls on top of her.  At the same time a cyclist enters the same space that Bruce is aiming for.

                                                        BROOKLYN (CONT'D)
              Bicycle!

Sara and Brooklyn begin to scream together as Bruce loses control, first hitting the wide open door of the cab, ripping it off, and then knocking the cyclist down.

                                                        BROOKLYN (CONT'D)
              What did you do?  Stop the car, I'm getting out, that guy is hurt.

                                                           BRUCE
              But, there wasn't enough room for both of us.  The stronger prevail.

Brooklyn holds her head.

                                                        BROOKLYN
              Why you are acting so foolish.  This is not you.

                                                           BRUCE
              But I've never chased any criminals before.

                                                                                                                      CUT TO

THE CAB

The driver cautiously raises his head, looks around, shocked.

                                                     CAB DRIVER
              I think we're safe now.  Sorry about that, lady.

He labors to get up.  We see the old woman lying motionless and cock-eyed.

EXT. MANSION - OUTSIDE THE GATES - NIGHT

The transvestites' car enters through the gates. Bruce’s car speeds around the corner.  The hood wide open, headlights broken, front bumper and side mirror dangling, windshield cracked, and dents on the side. The car jumps a curb, hits a fire hydrant, and comes to rest.  The bumper falls off.  Bruce, eyes transfixed, clings to the steering wheel.

                                                           BRUCE
              Are we there?

Sara and Brooklyn both cowering on the floor slowly come up.  Hair messed up, and looking dazed, Sara points to the gates.

                                                            SARA
              They went through those gates.

Sara stumbles out of the car, and runs towards the gate.  Bruce and Brooklyn follow.

                                                            SARA (CONT'D)
              My husband is in there.  We've got to find a way inside.

She surveys the head-high wall surrounding the property.

                                                            SARA (CONT'D)
              I'm climbing this wall,  I'm going in.

                                                        BROOKLYN
              Are you crazy?  That's trespassing, plus if you get caught they'll kill you.  

                                                            SARA
              He needs me right now.  I don't care what happens.

Sara grabs the edge of the wall, and tries to pull herself up.

                                                           BRUCE
              Let me give you a lift.

He pushes Sara up over the wall then looks at Brooklyn.

                                                           BRUCE (CONT'D)
              I can't leave her alone.  We're in this together.

                                                        BROOKLYN
              Go ahead, but I'm staying out.  I came here from LA to be a model,
              not to climb walls. Oh my God, if my dad found out what I'm doing now
              he'd kill me.  Besides I'm not dressed for climbing

                                                           BRUCE
              I still can't leave my friends alone.  I'm going in.  

He begins to climb the wall, too.
           
                                                           BRUCE (CONT'D)
              Could you at least give me a push?

Bruce reaches the top of the wall then extends his arms towards Brooklyn

						         BRUCE (CONT'D)
              Come on now, let me help you up, we'll be alright together. 
   
Brooklyn starts walking back toward the gate. 

                                                           BRUCE (CONT'D)
              Where are you going?

Brooklyn waves her hand in front of the gate, and it opens up.  She calmly walks in.  Bruce scratches his head.

                                                           BRUCE (CONT'D)
              Why didn't I think of that?

EXT - MANSION GROUNDS - NIGHT

Bruce jumps down.  All three are now in the lush garden surrounding the mansion.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
                                                          (whispering)
              Okay girls, we need to stay low.  There are cameras everywhere.

They drop to the ground and military crawl with Bruce leading the way.  Bruce stops at some tall bushes, gesturing to the girls to be quiet.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)   
              I found a shoe!

Bruce struggles to pick the shoe up.

                                                          BRUCE (CONT'D)
              I can't move it.

                                                         BODY GUARD (O.S.)
              Get up, you moron.

Bruce looks up and sees the Bodyguard pointing a gun at him.

                                                      BODYGUARD
              Nice and easy now.  Keep your hands up where I can see them.

Bruce slowly gets up, followed by Sara and Brooklyn.  They find that they're surrounded by three more armed men.

                                                      BODYGAURD
                                                       (to his men)
              Search them.

He quickly begins patting down Bruce.  One of the men takes liberties patting Brooklyn down, and doesn't seem to want to stop.

                                                      BODYGAURD
                                                      (to the man)
              Hey, enough searching. 

Brooklyn pushes the man away, disgusted.

                                                        BROOKLYN
              Look maybe I can explain this.  We were daring each other to scale 
              the wall.  It wasn’t a good idea.  I apologize.  You should let us go now.

The bodyguard laughs.

                                                      BODYGUARD
              Oh really?  Explain that to the boss.

INT. MANSION - MIDGET’S MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT 

The Midget lies on a plush couch wearing a luxurious pink gown with matching slippers.  His dog at his side.

                                                          MIDGET
              I've been expecting you.  But could one of you tell me 
              who's stupid idea it was to sneak up on my property?

Brooklyn still upset, points to Bruce, her voice trembling.

                                                        BROOKLYN
              He, he, got us into this mess.  I missed an important party because of
              this, he is arrogant, selfish, unfaithful, and doesn't have money. 
              What the hell was I thinking about?  Dating a window washer.

Bruce stares at Brooklyn in disbelief.

                                                           BRUCE
              That's a lie.  You chose to come along yourself.  You're 
              bipolar and can't even hold a conversation.  You're not even 
              sure if you like boys or girls, and can't even have half 
              decent sex.  A blow up doll is more exciting than you.  It’s over!

                                                        BROOKLYN
              Look who's talking! Y ou are the one who can't have sex with that 
              tiny penis.
                
Upset, Brooklyn loses her speech for a second, then points to a transvestite.
                                                      
                                                        BROOKLYN (CONT'D)             
              She probably has a bigger one.

The transvestite looks embarrassed by the remark.

                                                        BROOKLYN (CONT'D)
              Talking about sex?  You can't even last a minute.  The last thing I need in 
              bed is a minuteman, so please!

                                                           BRUCE
              Sex like that shouldn't last more than a minute.

The Midget, whose head has been going back and forth between Brooklyn and Bruce, finally seems to have had enough.

                                                          MIDGET
              Enough already.  I have no time for soap operas.

                                                            SARA
              This whole thing was my idea.  They're here because of me.   You 
              really should let my friends go now.  I came here to find my husband.
                       
The Midget has a sinister smile

                                                          MIDGET
              You must be Sara.  He talked about you.  Let me tell you something, child.
              You need to start thinking about canceling that wedding.  Your fiancé 
              is not going anywhere, anytime soon.  He's got a job to do for me.

                                                            SARA	
						(agitated)
              Where is he?

                                                          MIDGET
              Relax lady, he's fine.  You’ll see him soon.  Alright, I'm tired now.

Midget gestures to his security men.

                                                          MIDGET (CONT'D)
              Take them away!

They are led away at gun point.  Sara, turns and yells.

                                                            SARA
              I am not leaving without him.  Do you hear me?

The Midget turns to his bodyguard.

                                                          MIDGET
              Kill them.  I don't want any trace of those three.

                                                      BODYGUARD
              Don't worry boss.  I got it.

INT.  MANSION - OUTSIDE DICK’S ROOM - LATER

Whore carefully looks around, places a key in the door's lock, and enters the room.

NT.  MANSION - INSIDE DICK'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Dick lies on his bed, staring at the ceiling.  He jumps as the door opens.  Whore gestures for him to keep quiet.

							 DICK
              I won't tell anyone.  What did you do?

                                                           WHORE
              What do you mean you won't tell anyone?  I haven't said anything 
              yet. I was just asking you to keep quiet.  Look we don't have much 
              time.  Your wife and two friends came to rescue you, but were 
              caught.  The boss has ordered them killed. 

                                                             DICK
              Sara?  She must be with Bruce and that bad-ass chick I want to bang.
              They must have come to bring me my underwear cuz, I'm getting 
	      tired of wearing these thongs.  And the toothbrush...  I don’t like..
                                                    (holds up a hairbrush)
              this big ass toothbrush...

                                                           WHORE
              Look, I can't listen to your silly crap right now.   We don't have time. 

                                                             DICK
						(moment of clarity)
              Oh, yes, yes, of course.  Let's call the cops.

                                                           WHORE
              I can't use my phone, everything here is monitored.  Wait!  Maybe
	      I can use the phone my partner took from you.  I know where 
              it is, and I've already distracted the security guy.

INT.  MANSION - OUTSIDE DICK’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Whore steps outside, looks around, and walks briskly down the hallway.  A security guy’s head peeks out from behind a wall watching her.

INT. MANSION - SECURITY ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The security man hastily changes the view of one of the cameras it shows Whore stopping in front of a door looking around then enters the room. 

INT.  MANSION - OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Whore goes through the drawers of big desk, and find Dick’s phone and drops it in her pocket.

INT.  MANSION - INSIDE SECURITY ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The security man watches Whore exit the room through a security monitor. 

EXT. MANSION - LATE NIGHT

Whore stands beside tall bushes and goes checking Dick's phone.  She listens to a message left by the detective:  "Hi, this is detective Collins with NYPD.  If you get a chance I'd like to hear from you.  You can reach me anytime at 718-457-3333."  

Whore walks toward the private dock, where a yacht is berthed.  She thinks for a moment then begins to text:  "The man you're looking for, his wife, and two friends are here, and will be killed soon.  Just trace the location of this phone.  You've got only few hours."   As she is about to send the text... 

                                                    SECURITY GUY (O.S.)
              Drop whatever you have, right now.

Whore turns quickly, hiding the phone behind her back.

                                                    SECURITY GUY (CONT'D)
					(pointing gun)
              What've you got there?  Let me see.

                                                           WHORE
              It's, it’s, nothing.
 
The security guard takes a step forward, his arm extended.

                                                 SECURITY GUY
              Give it to me.

Whore presses the send button while still holding the phone behind her back.  She flicks the phone onto the boat.

                                                    SECURITY GUY (CONT'D)
              Stupid bitch.  Who were you talking to?  Let's go.

INT. DETECTIVE COLLINS HOUSE - BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT

A PHONE RINGS as Detective Collins sleeps in bed.  He wakes and reaches for it.  He sees the text. 

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS               
              What is this bullshit?

He looks at the clock next to his bed.  It's 3:30 am.  A sleepy woman next to him lifts her head.

                                                           WOMAN
              Who is that honey?

Detective Collins sits up, trying to wake up.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS
             Some fool's trying to play with my emotions, three thirty in the morning
                       
The woman rests her head back on the pillow, smiling.

                                                           WOMAN
              Go back to sleep

The detective, now fully awake, reads the text again.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS
              This one may actually be worth losing sleep over.

Detective Collins jumps out of bed and kisses the woman on the forehead.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              See you later.

 INT. POLICE STATION - DETECTIV’S ROOM - LATE NIGHT

Detectives Collins and Chen huddle around a police technician, SAM WINTERS, 31, in front of a computer.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS
                                                        (to Winters)
              Where do you think the text came from?

                                                       WINTERS
              The signal traces the phone to the back of a house on Long Island.

He enlarges the map on the monitor, and points to a spot.

                                                       WINTERS (CONT'D)
              It's coming from a location detached from the house, and 
              floating on water.  My best guess is that it's on a boat.

Detective Collins takes his phone out, and makes a call.  A tired voice answers.

                                                          CAPTAIN (V.O.)
              Yes, detective?  It really better be important this early.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Captain, I have a situation, and need your help, quickly.

                                                         CAPTAIN (V.O.)
              Oh… man....  Okay, what is it?

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS     
              We hae a hostage situation, and I need a chopper, like right now.

                                                         CAPTAIN (V.O.)
              Is this a joke?  What kind of a crap is this?  You're calling me for--

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS
              The lives of several people are on the line I don't think any one of us 
              wants to be blamed for inaction.   And I have to handle this myself.
              So, no FBI, no Swat team surprises, but I need the chopper soon.

						      CAPTAIN (V.O.)
              This is crazy!  Do you think I have a chopper parked outside my home?

                                                  DETECTIVE COLLINS
              I need you to do this for me. The last time I asked for a chopper I was 
              eight and I got smacked in the head.

                                                        CAPTAIN (V.O.)
              Boy, I hate this.  I swear if I were there right now you’d get smacked again 
              at the age fifty.

EXT. SOMEWHERE OVER ATLANTIC OCEAN - EARLY MORNING

A helicopter flies very low over the ocean.   Its shadow cast on the water below.

INSIDE THE CHOPPER

Detective Collins, in the co-pilot seat, looks out over the water through a pair of binoculars. Behind him, Detective Sato and Sam Winters sit, and behind them, three special unit police look out the windows.  Winters hunches over a computer monitor.
                                                      
						       WINTERS
              They're now ten miles out, traveling fifty miles an hour.

                                                                  PILOT
              What’s their exact location?

                                                               WINTERS
              Ten degrees north, Latitude, two degrees east, Longitude.

The pilot maneuvers the chopper, changing direction.

EXT. BOAT - EARLY MORNING

Bruce and the women sit together, while a THUG points his automatic weapon at them. The Bodyguard stands next to the boat's operator.

                                                         BODYGAURD
                                                        (to operator)
              Stop here.

The Bodyguard approaches Bruce, and the women.

                                                        BODYGUARD
              I hope you all know how to swim.

                                                         BROOKLYN
              Oh, no, no, you can't do this.  I'm terrified of deep water, please! 
              I don't wanna die.

							 BRUCE
               Honey!  Please calm down, you’re not gonna die, I won’t 
	       let it happen.

Brooklyn chokes up between words.

                                                         BROOKLYN
              Oh please!  You haven't swum since you were a sperm.
              I wish you had drowned, so I'd never have met you.

Meanwhile, the phone that was tossed on board, and has been resting under the seat, displays a message:  Battery low, device is now shutting down.
     
                                                                                                                             CUT TO:

CHOPPER

                                                      WINTERS
                                                          (Yells)
              Oh Crap!

Detective Collins puts the binoculars down and turns sharply.  

                                                  DETECTIVE COLLINS                                            
              What's wrong?

Winters frantically punches keys on his computer.

                                                   WINTERS 
              I lost the signal.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLINS
              Damn it!  What should we do now?

Winters points.

                                                   WINTERS
              My best guess is that they're somewhere in that vicinity
        
Detective Collins grabs the binoculars and looks out in that direction, grumbling.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Why can't anything go right in my life? 

                                                                                                                            CUT TO:

BOAT

Sara pleads with their captor.

                                                              SARA
              Please let them go.  You can kill me, I'll do anything you want

                                                         BODYGUARD
              Relax, I'll let you all go.

                                                            THUG
              Yeah, into the water.

The men laugh out. 

                                                             BRUCE
              Don't worry.  I have military training for dealing with these types 
              of situations,   We'll be alright.

                                                         BODYGUARD
						
              Not with your hands tied behind your back.

The men laugh again.  The bodyguard suddenly gets serious.

                                                         BODYGUARD (CONT'D)
              That's enough.  Let's tie them up.  We don't have much time.

                                                                                                                           CUT TO:

THE CHOPPER

Detective Collins is tense, watching through the binoculars.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS                                                 
              Come on now… come on… come on, where are you?

                                                                                                                             CUT TO:

BOAT

The men finish tying Bruce and the women's hands behind their backs.     

                                                           THUG                                        
              Move to the edge, facing the water, now! 

Bruce and the women do as told.  Sara, and Brooklyn cry uncontrollably.

                                                             BRUCE
                                              (to Sara and Brooklyn)
              I want you to take a very deep breath, and hold it as long as 
              you can.  We'll be okay.  I promise you.

The Bodyguard nods to the Thug.

                                                         BODYGUARD 
              Say hello to the fishies!

The men shove Bruce and the women over the edge.  They quickly disappear under water.

                                                         BODYGUARD (CONT'D)
              Let's get out of here.  We’re done.
                                                                
                                                                                                                       CUT TO:

UNDER WATER

Bruce and the women are sinking fast, struggling to stay alive.  Suddenly, three scuba divers appear, grabbing and bringing them up to the surface.

                                                                                                                        CUT TO:

CHOPPER

Detective Collins intensely follows the action through the binoculars jumps for joy.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Yes!  We got em.

Everyone high fives each other.  Detective Collins, smiling broadly, turns to his partner.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              That was your call to bring the divers along.  You sir, are fucking awesome.

                                                   DETECTIVE SATO
              It was my plumber's idea.

Detective Collins frowns.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS
              The plumber?

                                                   DETECTIVE SATO
              Yeah.  My toilet bowl was backed up, and the plumber was…

Detective Collins cuts him off with a hand gesture

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS            
              Alright, alright, I got it, say no more.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
                                                              (to pilot)
              Let’s move.

The chopper appears overhead, where the divers are floating and holding onto Bruce, and the women.   A rope drops out, and the divers take hold.

                                                                                                                             CUT TO:

BOAT

The Bodyguard and Thug, speeding away are surrounded by several police boats.  A POLICE OFFICER yells out through a bullhorn.

                                                     POLICE OFFICER
              Stop your boat and surrender.   You are under arrest.

The Bodyguard looks around at the boats surprised and furious.

                                                         BODYGUARD 
              Damn it, where the fuck did they come from?

The boat’s operator stops the engine.

                                                         BODYGUARD (CONT'D)
              What the fuck are you doing?

                                                          OPERATOR
              It's over, we better give up.

                                                           THUG
                                                (putting gun down)
              He's right.

The Bodyguard, teeth clenched, looks at the men, then at the cops with guns drawn.

                                                         BODYGUARD
              Fuck!  This can't be happening to me.

                                                                                                                             CUT TO:

INT. MANSION - BASMENT - EARLY MORNING

Whore is tied to a chair, feet dipping into a shallow pool of water.  The Midget, dressed flamboyantly, holds and pets his dog, pacing at the edge of the pool.

                                                             MIDGET
              So, do you want to tell me, who, you were talking to?

                                                             WHORE
              I was trying to reach out to an admirer.  I swear I'm telling the truth.

                                                            MIDGET
              Oh, really?  And what is to admire about you?  May I know?
              Let me make this easy for you.  I'm going to give you four
              possible answers.  All you have to do is pick the right one.

The Midget stops in front of Whore and gives her a merciless look.

                                                           MIDGET (CONT'D)
              A… I was doing business with someone.   B… I was calling the 
              cops.   C… I was calling my mom   D… none of the above

Whore looks terrified at a man standing next to a lever on a wall.

                                                           MIDGET (CONT'D)
                                                            (impatiently)
              Which is the correct answer?

                                                           WHORE
              I was doing busine--

The midget angrily interrupts her

							MIDGET  
              Wrong!

Midget looks at the man, and nods.  The man pulls the lever.   Whore trembles violently.

                                                           MIDGET (CONT'D)
              Let’s try one more time.  What is the correct answer?

Whore recovers a bit from the shock, and struggles to talk.

                                                           WHORE  
              None of the above.

The Midget stares at Whore.

                                                           MIDGET 
              Sorry, you flunked.

He nods to the man again.  As the man pulls the lever the lights go off.  Everyone looks around, confused.

                                                           MIDGET (CONT'D)
              What the fuck is going on? 
  
The door to the room bursts open, and a several FBI agents with guns drawn rush inside.  The AGENT in front displays his badge, shouting.

                                                          FBI AGENT
              FBI!  Everybody freeze!

INT. MANSION - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

The detectives, along with Bruce, and the women rush inside the mansion and find the Midget, Whore, several security guys, and transvestites sitting on the floor in handcuffs.

                                                          FBI AGENT
                                                   (to detective Collins)
              So far no one's cooperating.

Detective Collins glances over at them.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS                                   
              I'm looking for a guy named Dick.  Anyone know where he is?

They all look at him impassively, some shrugging. Sara steps up to the Midget.

                                                            SARA
              He knows where he is.

She gets closer to the Midget.

                                                            SARA (CONT'D)
              Where is he?  I told you, I will not leave without him.

							MIDGET
              Take it easy, lady.  He's on his way to Miami.

                                                            SARA 
              Miami

                                                           MIDGET
              Yes, Miami.  He is going to do a job for me and he's not coming back.

EXT. NORTH CAROLINA - ROADSIDE - DAY

Marion strikes Dick on the head with her purse as they stand in front of their car.  It appears to have veered off the road.  She also holds a gun.  Dick, still in his dress, and high heels, has his arms up in front of his face trying to protect himself.  Another TRANSVESTITE IN huge red GLASSES sits slumped back against the car, shaken and in pain.

                                                           MARION
                                    (Pointing to transvestite in glasses)
              She lost control because of you, stinking son of a bitch.  My God, 
	     I just wish I could kill you right now.

Dick is dodging Marion's swings.

                                                             DICK
              I was trying to be a lady about it, but it slipped out, just as I was 
              about to say something.

Marion swings her purse at Dick again.

                                                           MARION
              Well then shut the fuck up, and don't talk if you can't control yourself.

She then walks back over to the transvestite in glasses.

                                                           MARION (CONT'D)
              Are you okay, honey?

The transvestite in glasses nods with a grimace.  Marion walks to the back of the car, looking at flat tire

                                                           MARION (CONT'D)
              Damn it, we don't have a spare either.

She opens the trunk of the car, and takes out a small jack. She then walks furiously to Dick, handing it to him, while pointing her gun at him.

                                                           MARION (CONT'D)
              Let’s go scum you are going to find us a tire.
					(to other transvestite)

                                                           MARION (CONT'D)
              Just hang in there, honey.  We'll back soon.

EXT. NORTH CAROLINA - ROADSIDE - PROPERTY - DAY                                                                                                                          

Marion spots a car similar to theirs parked in the driveway of a house.

                                                           MARION
                                                           (whispering)
              Over there.  I’ll stay here on the look out.

MOMENTS LATER

Marion looks over some shrubs ringing the edge of the property.  Dick has the car up on the jack, removing a tire. 

MOMENTS LATER

Marion looks impatiently at her watch then peeks over the shrubs again, and suddenly her eyes pop wide open in horror.  Dick, holding the jack in one hand runs after four tires, rolling down the incline.  Marion looks over at the car.  It's stripped of its tires and rests on four exposed drums.

                                                           MARION
              Oh, My, God.

Dick runs past her.

                                                             DICK
              Stop those runaway tires!

Marion watches, incredulously as Dick and the tires disappear behind a ditch. 

MOMENTS LATER

We see a little movement behind the bushes then a tire appears, followed by Dick slowly climbing out.  Dick walks towards Marion holding onto the tire, exhausted.

                                                             DICK
              I caught only one of them the other three got away.  But don't worry, 
              we'll report them to the police.  I promise they will find them.

He limps past Marion.  Suddenly, a man in pajamas appears at the top of the incline, holding a shotgun, and screaming.

                                                             MAN
              Stop those thieves!

He FIRES a shot.  Dick and Marion run.

                                                                                                                             CUT TO:

BACK AT MARION'S CAR 

                                                           MARION
                                                           (to Dick)
              Hurry up and change that damn tire.

Marion slumps on the driver’s seat, holding her head, tired, and frustrated.

                                                           MARION (CONT'D)
              I really cannot deal with him anymore.  We need to get rid of him.

The transvestite in glasses is still in pain.

                                             TRANSVESTITE IN GLASSES
              But how are we going to cover it up?

                                                           MARION
              I don't know yet.

She sticks her head out of the window and looks at Dick, still changing the tire.

                                                           MARION (CONT'D)
              Are you done?  We gotta get outa here.

Dick gets back in, slumps in the back seat, and slams the door shut.

                                                             DICK
              It's done.  

The car speeds away.  Marion looks at Dick in the rear view mirror

                                                           MARION
              Why the fuck did you take all four tires?

                                                             DICK
              They were free!

Suddenly, a loud NOISE is heard, coming from the back of the car.

                                                           MARION
              What the fuck was that?

The car begins to lose speed, Dick and Marion both look out their windows.  A tire rolls up alongside the car.  Marion watches with disbelief, eyes wide open.

                                                           MARION (CONT'D)
              Is that the tire you just changed?   

As the tire rolls by they both follow it with their heads, Dick scratches his head, confused.

                                                             DICK
              It looks familiar!

The tire, passes the car, and disappears down the road.  Soon the car comes to a halt.  Marion steps out, opens the back door, and points the gun at Dick.

                                                           MARION
              Get out right now, you fucking dumb son of a bitch.

Dick steps out.

                                                           MARION (CONT'D)
              Kneel down facing the car. 

Dick kneels.  The transvestite in glasses gets out from other side, panicked.

                                           TRANSVESTITE IN GLASSES
              We need to do it fast.

Marion points the gun to the back of Dick's head, and is about to pull the trigger when two police cars come speeding towards them.  The police officers jump out of their cars with guns drawn.  Dick and the transvestites, taken by surprise, freeze to their spots.

                                                         OFFICER
              Drop the gun, now!

Marion drops the gun, and puts her hands up.

                                                         OFFICER (CONT'D)
              Everybody lie face down, now!

The cops begin handcuffing them.  Dick turns to the officer.

                                                             DICK
              Wait a minute.  You're arresting the wrong folks.  Go after those tires.

                                                         OFFICER
              What?

INT. NORTH CAROLINA - POLICE STATION - DAY

The arresting officer is focused on a computer screen.

                                                         OFFICER
              Sheriff!  You gotta see this.

The SHERIFF stands besides the officer and looks at the monitor.

                                                         SHERIFF
              NYPD and the FBI are looking all over for these three.  Great job, guys.

EXT. MIDGET’S MANSION - DAY

Detective Collins huddles with some FBI agents.  His PHONE RINGS.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Excuse me let me take this call.

 
                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)                                                     
              Hello… Hey there, how you doing?

His listens carefully, eyes focused.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              Really? Well, thanks a lot, great job guys.

The detective hangs up the phone, and looks over at Sarah standing alone.  He walks over, and smiles.

                                                   DETECTIVE COLLINS (CONT'D)
              I just got off the phone with the state police in North Carolina. 
              Dick's coming home.

Sara chokes up and hugs the detective.

                                                             SARA
              I don't know how to thank you.

                                                    DETECTIVE COLLINS
              Apparently, his condition may have saved him.  Had he been like 
              the rest of us, he may not have been so lucky.

INT. ON BASKETBALL COURT - DAYS LATER

One of the teams moves the ball up and a player shoots a jumper, hitting the basket to the sound of CHEERING crowds.  The score board shows 79-77 with 20 seconds left. The other team inbounds the ball and begins to run up the court.  Sara, Brooklyn, and Whore sit among the crowd excited and cheering. 

                                                             SARA
              Come on guys hurry up

Bruce catches the ball mid-court, looks around, spots Dick, who's just outside the 3 point range with a man defending.  Bruce throws a sharp pass to Dick.

                                                             DICK
              Oh, shit!

He dodges the ball and it hits the defender in the head knocking him down.  As he turns, the ball bounces into his hand.  Dick looks at the defender lying on the floor.

                                                             DICK (CONT'D)
              You okay, buddy?

The player looks confused, his speech slurred.

                                                           PLAYER
              I like to get my oil changed.

The clock shows 6 seconds left. 

							BRUCE 
                                                               (screams)
              Shoot the ball!

Dick looks at the downed player on the floor trying to comfort him.

                                                             DICK
              You’ll be alright.  You just got hit with the pumpkin.

Clock now shows 2 seconds.  The crowd jumps and screams.

                                                             SARA
                                                 (whispers to herself)
              Come on, baby.  Shoot the ball.

Dick mindless of what's going on extends his hand towards the guy on the floor.

                                                             DICK
              Let me help you up.

Dick grabs the guy's arm, and as he begins to pull him up he tosses the ball away.  The ball goes up in the air, and with 1 second left, hits the basket. The score changes to 79-80. The crowd erupts.  Bruce runs to Dick screaming.  They both fall to the floor, and soon the whole team joins them.  Sara holds her face in disbelief, her eyes begin to well up.

INT. SARA’S BEDROOM - DAY

Sara is in her wedding gown standing in front of a mirror while Brooklyn, and Whore tend to her.  Whore smiles while looking at Sara in the mirror.

                                                            WHORE
              Oh honey, you look like a beautiful angel.

Brooklyn looks at Sara from head to toe.

                                                         BROOKLYN (CONT'D)
              You look stunning!

                                                            WHORE
              I think we should go now, we're gonna be late

INT. TUXEDO SHOP - CONTINUOUS

Dick and Bruce walk with a SALESMAN down an aisle of suits.  The salesman picks a tuxedo set and places it against Dick.

                                                         SALESMAN
              I love this set.  I really think it would look great on you.
  
                                                            BRUCE
                                                           (to Dick)
              Let’s try that, what do you think?

Dick takes the tuxedo from the salesman, examines it for a moment.

                                                             DICK
              Sure!  Where’s the restroom?

The salesman turns to Bruce, confused.  Bruce hesitates for a moment, chuckles.

                                                            BRUCE
              He meant the fitting room.  My friend has a sense of humor.

                                                         SALESMAN
              Oh yes, of course, please come this way.

Dick goes in the room, while Bruce and the salesman wait outside.
 
                                                         SALESMAN (CONT'D)
              Don't you want a tuxedo for yourself?

                                                            BRUCE
              Oh no, thank you.

                                                         SALESMAN
              Oh come on, why not?  Aren't you going to be the best man?

                                                            BRUCE
              Yeah, but I don't want my girlfriend to get the wrong impression.

They both laugh
                                                            BRUCE (CONT'D)
                                                          (to Dick)
              Hey, how you doing in there buddy?

                                                             DICK (O.S.)
              It doesn't fit right.  It's very tight.

                                                         SALESMAN
              May we take a look?

                                                             DICK (O.S.)
              Yes!

The salesman opens the door. Dick is bent over butt-naked, with his back to them.  The bow tie is pulled up to his butt with the bow stuck at the base of his butt cheeks.

                                                         SALESMAN
              My goodness!

Bruce rushes in to help
                                                            BRUCE
                      Dude, what are you doing?  That's not how you wear a bow tie.

MOMENTS LATER
    
Dick is fully dressed in the tuxedo and looking sharp/  The salesman's face lights up.

                                                         SALESMAN
              Well look at you.  You look like a million dollar man.

                                                            BRUCE
              Thanks for everything.  We've gotta run.  It's getting late.

The salesman follows them to the door.

                                                         SALESMAN
              All the best wishes guys.

 The salesman shuts the door behind them, raising his eyebrows.

                                                         SALESMAN (CONT'D)
              What a freak.

INT. CHURCH - MAIN HALL - AFTERNOON

Sara, in her wedding dress, accompanied by Brooklyn and Whore, rushes in, then slows her pace as she reaches the aisle towards the altar.  Dick and Bruce rush in behind them, and also slow down as they pass guests toward the altar.  Dick stops by an old man sitting on the aisle

                                                             DICK
                                           (whispering)
              Excuse me do you know what’s going on here?

The old man just stares at Dick, lost.  Bruce notices that Dick stopped.  He runs back and grabs his arm, pulling him away.
      
                                                            BRUCE
                                                        (whispering)
              What are you doing?  Could you please not fuck this one up.
              This is supposed to be the biggest moment in your life.

Dick and Sara take their spots on both sides of the PRIEST.

                                                           PRIEST
              All rise, please.

Everyone stands, and the priest scans the audience.

                                                           PRIEST (CONT'D)
              We are here today in the presence of the Lord all mighty to 
              witness one of the greatest gifts that he has bestowed upon 
              us.  The eternal bonding between a man and a woman.  Lord 
              please give us your blessings today so that this young 
              couple can fulfill a life of happiness together, amen!  You may sit.   

Dick steps forward.

                                                             DICK
              May I briefly say something?

                                                           PRIEST
              Of course, my son.

Dick steps up to the Microphone and takes a deep breath.

                                                             DICK
              I just want to give a quick shout out to a dear friend of mine 
              without whose heroics we wouldn't be here today.  Ladies 
              and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to introduce my dear friend.

He proudly points towards Whore.

                                                             DICK (CONT'D) 
              Whore!

Everyone gasps.  There's murmur in the attendance as everyone turns to look. Whore stands and acknowledges Dick's introduction.
 
                                                            WHORE
              Thank you so much.

Brooklyn covers her face in disbelief.  Bruce holds his head.

                                                            BRUCE
                                                            (whispering)
              Please, don't tell me he just said that. 

                                                           PRIEST
              OK, that's enough.  Let’s continue please.

The priest places Sara’s hand on the bible.

                                                           PRIEST (CONT'D) 
              Please repeat after me.

Sara gives a nod.

                                                           PRIEST (CONT'D)
              I, Sara Ferguson, vow to be a faithful and honest wife.

Sara repeats after the priest.

                                                           PRIEST (CONT'D)
              And I'll give my undivided love and attention to my husband, 
              and my family.

Sara repeats.

                                                           PRIEST (CONT'D)
              Every day of my life, and to the best of my ability.

Sara repeats.

                                                           PRIEST (CONT'D)
              Sara!  Would you take this man to be your beloved husband?

                                                             SARA	
						(emotional)
              Yes, I do.

The priest turns to Dick, gives him a suspicious look, and places his hand on the bible.

                                                           PRIEST
              Please repeat after me

Dick nods.
                                                           PRIEST (CONT'D) 
              I Dick…

The priest clears his throat, hesitating a moment to say Dick’s last name.

                                                           PRIEST (CONT'D) 
              Head 

The priest pauses a moment, and clears his throat again, visibly embarrassed.

                                                           PRIEST (CONT'D)
              Vow to be a respectful and dedicated husband.

Dick repeats.

                                                           PRIEST (CONT'D)
              And give my undivided love, and attention to my wife and my family.

Dick repeats.
      
                                                           PRIEST (CONT'D)
              Dick, would you take this woman to be your beloved wife.

Dick hesitates a bit then looks at Sara lovingly.

                                                             DICK
              Yes, I take this asshole to be my wife.

There is gasp and murmur in the audience again.  The priest, shocked and speechless, turns to Sara.

                                                           PRIEST
              My girl, it's not too late to change your mind.  Are you sure you 
              want to marry this jerk?

Sara looks serious for a moment and stares directly at Dick.  She lightens up and with a gentle smile and a tear drop welling in her eye, says

                                                             SARA
                                                       (whispering)
              Yes, I do.

The tear drop slowly makes its way down her cheek.  Sara's radiant looking skin, glows in the sunlight as confetti begins to rain down all around her. 

						       STILL FRAME ACCOMPANIED WITH THE THEME SONG

                                                        The End