wH2Final Draft, Inc. Final Draft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iss Bronikus ExT. lake - aftERNOON Two large course hands are covering the face of FRANK WALlACE. Hes vertically covering each of his eyes leaving only his nose and his lips exposed; they move in anguish. Frank Youve gotta be kidding. He removes his hands, turns his face towards COSWELL GRANT and sees him staring back bluntly. Coswell BONKS Frank over the head with a kids dinky inner tube. Coswell You need to show respect for the lady or youll wind up cursing us both you numbskull. FRANK (pulling back the toy) Id feel a lot safer floating on this than that wreck. Its looks like a claustrophobes nightmare. The wreck in question is docked in front of their camp. Its a small dilapidated boat with a makeshift wooden cover enclosing it; tiny windows exist with curtains inside its lid. It appears to be a junk brother of Franks van. Behind them, Franks old van is juxtaposed against the pretty evergreens of their camp. Its plastered with flowers, hearts and a large peace sign. It reads, Make love; not war and a misspelled Piece. Coswell looks towards the van and the misspelling. COSWELL Id feel a lot safer driving in your van if you knew how to spell. Frank scratches his head confused. Wha? COSWELL (CONTD) Look, never mind. He opens up a cooler and pulls out a bottle of champaign and two glasses. 0002000007120000054070C,COSWELL (CONTD) Time to christen the ship. Ive taken every precaution necessary to purge her of her old and unlucky name. Shouldnt change it but... Frank snickers while Coswell begins pouring champaign. Frank This thing looks like something Poseidon burped up. So anyways, whats involved in this here... christening. Coswell hands Frank his glass and they both take a drink. COSWELL Just that we offer something good to the gods. He pulls out another bottle, opens it and then begins pouring some on top and some over the edge of the boat. FRANK Poseidon would probably appreciate some Pepto Bismal. Coswell ignores. He walks back to Frank now and whispers in his ear. COSWELL Miss Bronikus. Frank wrinkles his face. FRANK Im not a wus! Franks eyes bulge. He curls up an arm, demonstrating a firm muscle. FRANK (CONTD) Eh? Hah? See? Coswell grinds his knuckles into the sides of his head and makes wild eyes. COSWELL No Frank. He takes Frank by the shoulders and shakes him. COSWELL (CONTD) Her name is Miss Bronikus. Supposed to whisper it I heard. Tradition or something. Frank tilts his head. FRANK A name like that, whered you get it from? COSWELL A jar of pickles. FRANK Pickles? COSWELL Its an old superstition from my dads moms brothers wifes side. Anything green is supposed to be charmed when you touch it and wink on St. Patties Day. I was just a kid and I chose pickles. Its always stuck. Frank, looking amazingly serious, studies his van. FRANK Maybe if I paint it green; maybe then I can get me some action. Suddenly a loud VOICE BREAKS through the canopy of trees. Unknown voice (V.O.) Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum. They both turn their gaze from the van to the trees. LOWRY NICKLES, a large man with a silver beard and wearing a captains hat approaches. 00020000063800000C4C632,Lowry Someone called for action? Ho ho ho. Thats me game. Actions what Im livin for. An now I got me Miss Bronikus, Im ready to meet the varmint square on and once an for all. Coswell appears awestruck, but he holds out his hand nevertheless. LOWRY (CONTD) Names Lowry Nickles. Got a spare dime? Ho ho ho. Really boy, you look a might bit surprised. Dont you believe in what you preach? Shouldnt speak of curses and wishes unless-- Frank jumps in. Frank Way wait. How do you know what this here -- boat -- er --floaty shack is called? Coswell SMACKS Frank hard over his shoulder. LOWRY Ho ho ho. You cant get a woman with a phantasmagorical thing like that! Whats a matter with ya boy. Ya gotta woo them. He GRABS Frank and pulls him towards him as to dance a waltz. Around they turn and then Lowry BENDS Frank over in a deep passionate move and says: LOWRY (CONTD) Sw..ay them. He pulls Frank back up. Coswell drinks straight out of the bottle of champaign and shakes his head. COSWELL Is it true then? Youre the genie belonging to our-- LOWRY Now wait a minute; genies come from bottles; I never did come from no bottle; and those kind of lamp genies are the ones always gettin the hype, but whats a matter with pure clover juice extracted by the hands of a sea fairy? Now that stuff is potent. Nah! Im made from the purest clover juice grown by the Wind Whislters and filled with the essence of Guadlinettas charms. You cant beat that kind of magic. Frank looks towards Coswell for answers. FRANK Coswell? Dyou know what this is about? 00020000069A0000127E694,COSWELL I thought it was just-- LOWRY If you dont tell him, I will. Franks head moves back and forth from Lowry to Coswell. COSWELL I got Miss Bronikus for free. They said they didnt want to be hitched up with a... they used the words: death magnet. LOWRY But thats what you got me for dont ya know. Just bin a bit weak with the Cluenicator. Once I get down to bones with the Golconda, hell turn us to the pleasures er, treasures... Lowry produces a bucket of paint and a brush out of nowhere and hands them to Coswell. LOWRY (CONTD) Here ya go, once you paint on that new name, shell be a new lady. Coswell and Frank look puzzled, but Coswell mechanically walks to the hull where the old name is flaking off and pauses. He turns to Lowry. COSWELL Shouldnt we scrape off the old paint first? Frank shrugs and a sly grin appears on Lowrys face. LOWRY Dont you trust an old mate? Just do her Cozzy! COSWELL Okay, whatever you say. Coswell dips the paintbrush into the can of paint and the minute it touches the boat an ELECTRIC FLASH SHOOTS from the brush to the boat. The boat is miraculously transformed into a shining new ship. Coswell is PUSHED backward on the deck. CoSWELL (CONTD) Whoa! What the hell just happened? Frank shrugs. LOWRY Now this is a seaworthy craft mates! Lets hit the waves! FRANK I gotta say, Id like to try this baby out. COSWELL Uhhh, I...dont know about this... LOWRY Dont worry man, itll be an adventure. Lets shove off! The sky is a bright blue; the water appears still while Lowry puts one hand on the wheel, but the other hand he raises in the air and begins spinning his index finger. We HEAR THE SOUND OF A BIG ENGINE. 00020000063E00001912638,FRANK (speaking to Coswell) Whats he doing? COSWELL Drying nail polish? I dont know. BLACKNESS! A hollow metal sound like inside of a large metal drum. Frank and Coswell let out a squall. Int. Metal bubble Sub LOWRY Hold on. Lost me... oh there it is! A dim greenish light appears to encompass them. Coswell and Frank are embraced by fear. Instantly embarrassed, they push each other away and begin straightening themselves out. Clearing their throats, dusting their clothes. Lowry looks at them oddly and then back down at what looks like an old style lighter, he flicks it several times and it flames and sparkles blue and green. LOWRY (CONTD) Gul dern Cluenicator. Reckim shuck-- half dead... Theyre surrounded by what appears to be a golden bubble and theyre floating deep underwater. Coswell and Frank move to one of the windows. Large SEA HORSE type creatures the size of buffaloes glide past. LOWRY (CONTD) Thats better. I knew Id get the hang of it. The Cluenicator flames bright blue and they speed forward, twisting and turning until they emerge bobbing on top of the water inside what now appears... Ext. Unknown Beach ...to be a gigantic round beach ball; it rolls towards and on to a sparkling white sandy beach. The door opens and they all exit. FRANK I dont wanna do that again. COSWELL I feel sick. LOWRY Look! There he his. Golconda. An enormous water serpent rolls through the water towards them. Frank and Coswell are white with shock. Golconda ROARS. LOWRY (CONTD) Golly! Dont be rude. These are the new champions. Well, if they live that is. 0002000005F000001F4A5EA,COSWELL What do you mean if we live? LOWRY Shh. Golly doesnt take easy to strangers. Lowry walks up to the enormous serpent and pats its head. Lowry (CONTD) Tell me. What the challenge be? How we make these two green scaredies into champions of their deepest fears? Golconda On my back they must ride, fearless to liberation of their souls. FRANK Im not getting on-- COSWELL No Way. Lowry begins to sing some kind of strange tune. LA LA LA... Frank and Coswell begin advancing towards the Golconda. Their legs are moving stiff and clumsy. Both are shouting. Frank ANd Coswell Stop it! No! Well go back in-- Lowry claps his hands together several times and enormous saddles with ropes swivel around and on top of the Golconda. Frank and Coswell cant help but climb a staircase which Lowry clapped into being. Terrified, they sit upon the back of the great serpent and hold tight to the rope. Frank And Coswell (CONTD) Our father who art in heaven... and I dont remember. I never hardly prayed enough. Were gonna die... Lowry jumps atop the monster. LOWRY Now where the heck? I just had it... Lowry searches inside his many pockets and finally pulls out his Cluenicator. He flicks it and some black smoke puffs out. LOWRY (CONTD) Well thats not right. Lets try that again... FRANK He doesnt even know how to work that thing. Lowry flicks it again. This time purple smoke puffs out. LOWRY Thats better. Yeah breaker one nine this here is Rubber Duck... COSWELL What are you saying! 0002000005F4000025345EE,LOWRY Guadlinetta, how you like that? Gettin good with this thing. Above them, a tornado like watery vapour; then it settles into a foamy image of a beautiful black haired sea witch. Guadlinetta You must prove that you are the champions. For every curse there is a charm. For every pleasure theres risk of harm. LOUD CRASHING THUNDER erupts around them. Guadlinnetta vanishes and Golconda roars. Instead of whisking them into the sea they rocket into the air. Golconda fully emerges and transforms above the water becoming a massive prehistoric looking creature, half bird, half lion with an exceedingly long tale. LOWRY Hold on for one loop through to Weird. Drink from Weird. FRANK Weirder than this? FIRE issues from the Golcondas mouth as it speeds into an upside down loop. Coswell and Frank frantically cling to the ropes; their hollering sounds tiny under the sound of another crash of thunder. As they complete the loop they appear as two specks on top a a giant geometric torus which is whirling inward, a purple and golden sea of electrified particles. Their voices sound far away. The specks upon the torus are pulled towards the middle. LOWRY When I say now close your eyes or ya might go blind from shock. Plunging hard and fast into the eye of the torus we suddenly come to a soft floating moment. A molten sea of blood like lava surrounds them. Blub, blub, blub... COSWELL Whats happened? You said-- LOWRY NOW! A blinding white hail pours down upon them; they glow. LOWRY (CONTD) 00020000069000002B2268A,You can open your eyes now that youve been treated. FRANK We look like just energy. LOWRY That was the easy part. Its the shaking that separates the wheat from the chaff. Time to get off. Now youre on your own. The stairway down from Golconda appears as Lowry claps his hands; the ropes disappear. Lowrys hefty frame jumps down and off of Golconda. He struts down the stairs like a tourist off a bus trip. Frank and Coswell are weak and shaky. As they get down to the ground which looks like a pearly white marbled surface, they drop down. FRANK I cant do this. I wanna go back. COSWELL Yeah. Im no champion. Dont wanna be one. Lowry looks sympathetic for a moment and then snaps his fingers. They are both picked up by an invisible force and dropped into a roller coaster car which slides up from nowhere. LOWRY Sorry boys. No choice we have to be born. No choice in this. I really hope you make it. If you do, look for me and Golly in Willy Nill. Youll know. GRINDING metal upon metal like the sound of a train rises up and the coaster begins moving forward. Frank and Coswell attempt to get out, but they are held by an invisible force. They hear a clacking sound as they approach a tunnel and go through what looks like Hell. Demons clutching at them. As they exit they suddenly learn they are at the top of a great mountain. Its a LONG WAY DOWN. We hear it slowing. CLACK CLACK... PLUNGING. Their panicked faces disappear as the coaster drops, drops, drops... FRANK AND COSWELL Ahhh... Rock, barren dirt and scrub fly past. Finally, theyre at the bottom of a great dark forest where a large black spider the size of a horse scuttles away. 0002000006F2000031AC6EC,DISHEVELED WRECKS, their hair is tangled; whatever glow they had from the treatment is only a light glow around them now. RUMBLE. The ground in front of them begins to lift. A sharp point arises which proves to be the top of a pyramid. It rises up as a glassy diamond like form glinting with a rainbow of colors. Inside, a giant salt shaker rises too. V. O. Get in! Frank and Coswell stare at each other. Coswell It really is a shaker! How bout we just skip it. FRANK Ah Coswell, I think our only other choice is the forest with that friendly black spider. I think Id rather-- V. O. Get in! FRANK You took the words out of my mouth. Frank and Coswell get out and realize they are walking on top of a sea of worms. THEIR FOOTSTEPS SQUISH and Coswell gags. THE DOORWAY PULSES. Int. Pyramid They gaze up at the HUGE SALT SHAKER; Its filling with black beetles, cockroaches and other bugs. V. O. Get inside! FRANK AND COSWELL No! No! Were no going in there. V. O. Champions must be fearless! Perhaps you need a little persuasion. Behind them a molten hot LAVA MAN erupts out of the ground. Lava Man Want to come with me then? Lava Man produces two coffins. LAva Man (CONTD) Ill keep you locked up safe from the big bad bugs, but you must come live with me down... He points to the ground. LAVA MAN (CONTD) No leaving you know. Only champions leave. Only one way to get out of here and thats through the shaker. The bugs are dropping down. A thin covering is appearing on the bottom. Frank and Coswell begin to walk away from Lava Man, towards the shaker; THEY HESITATE. FRANK We can do this. We can do this. COSWELL Yeah. Just pretend its a bad dream. Real bad. Coswell pushes at Frank. COSWELL (CONTD) You first. FRANK How bout rock paper scissors. 000200000C7D00003898C77,COSWELL How bout I leave you here with Lava Man. FRANK Heads or tails? COSWELL Just go. Frank enters and Coswells right behind. Oversized beetles and woodbugs land upon their shoulders and heads. They wince and brush them off. The bugs begin to rain down harder. FRANK Oh please... Oh please let this be over. COSWELL (chanting) Im not here. Im not here. More bugs rain down like hail. The salt shaker is getting more full by the second. The bugs are now up to their knees. FRANK You ever have one of those Creepy Crawler sets by Mattel? COSWELL Every boy on my block had one why? FRANK Maybe its KARMA. Scaring girls you know. Snips and Snails and Puppy dogs tails-- Coswell forgets momentarily about the bugs. COSWELL You idiot! Whered you hear that? Whats a snip? Its FROGS and snails and... FRANK Its what they call a regionalism... where youre from. Ive heard snakes and snails and-- COSWELL No! FRANK Yes. Back home in Seattle-- COSWELL No I mean look behind you! A giant snail and slug are crawling up a post near Frank. FRANK Oh God. Maybe its the Creepy Crawler curse. Im sorry to my sister for wrecking her shows of the Brady Bunch. Im sorry TO the Brady Bunch all of em... Marcia, Jan and Cindy and Greg and Peter, Paul and Mary and Buffy and Jody and Oppie and I miss Aunt Bea-- Coswells hands appear on Franks shoulders. COSWELL Frank. Frank. Get a hold of yourself. Theres gotta be-- But Frank is really losing it. FRANK I want out. I want out. I cant! He dives towards the door of the shaker. On his hands and knees the bugs are almost covering him. He stands up, turns the handle, but it wont open. He shakes it and bangs it but its locked and then the entire doorway disappears. COSWELL THIS is the only way out. This test. Weve gotta do this. The bugs rain down harder and now they are up to their waist in the black crawling mixture. An escalator appears inside the middle of the shaker... Frank is still feebly banging on the lost doorway. COSWELL (CONTD) Look! Frank. Frank turns around. They try to wade through the sea of bugs, but its so thick they need to scrape them away with their hands to try and loosen them and carve a bit of a path. Theyre almost there, but now the shaker starts shaking. UP AND DOWN. UP AND DOWN. Frank and Coswell sink below the mass of black. On the floor beneath Coswell, he notices two envelopes, each with their names on it. He hands one to Frank and opens his. Coswell reads aloud: Sorry, but we have to be sure. Champions are made to save the weak. They can only be made through great trials. Frank flips out. Like a little boy throwing a tantrum. FRANK But I dont wanna be a champion. He jumps up and down. FAINT SOUND OF LOWRY. FRANK (CONTD) (in between jumps) I... dont... want... COSWELL Hear that? Quick. The stairs. At the top is THE BEACH AND MISS BRONIKUS AND THE WELL OF WEIRD. V.o. DRINK. EXT. LAKE aFTERNOON The same BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE from earlier reads Weird. Frank and Coswell stare at each other. Coswell Wanna get some beers instead? FRANK At a bar maybe? Too much sun. But IN THE BAR THE BAND PLAYS WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS... 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Unknown voiceGolcondaFrank ANd Coswell Guadlinetta V. O.Lava Man V.o.sTCE (V.O.) (O.S.) (O.C.) (CONT'D) (SUBTITLE)'#(V.O.)Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum.($(V.O.) Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum.sTTR CUT TO: FADE IN: FADE OUT. FADE TO: DISSOLVE TO: BACK TO: MATCH CUT TO: JUMP CUT TO:FADE TO BLACK.sTSI=INTEXTI/Ed FADE INLAKE PYRAMIDLAKE AFTERNOONsTST DAY NIGHT AFTERNOON MORNING EVENING LATER MOMENTS LATER CONTINUOUS THE NEXT DAY,mCRO9INTINT. Scene Heading01119EXTEXT. Scene Heading01128I/EI/E Scene Heading0113@DAY - DAY Scene HeadingAction0114DNIGHT - NIGHT Scene HeadingAction0115HSUNRISE - SUNRISE Scene HeadingAction0116DMAGIC - MAGIC Scene HeadingAction0117GCONT continuing ParentheticalDialogue0118JINTER interrupting ParentheticalDialogue0119$0110GCUTTOCUT TO: Transition Scene Heading1111EFADEINFADE IN:Action Scene Heading1112KFADEOUT FADE OUT. Transition Scene Heading1113IFADETOFADE TO: Transition Scene Heading1114MDISSLV DISSOLVE TO: Transition Scene Heading1115IBACKTOBACK TO: Transition Scene Heading1116PMATCHCUT MATCH CUT TO: Transition Scene Heading1117NJUMPCUT JUMP CUT TO: Transition Scene Heading1118BFBLACKFADE TO BLACK. 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Important!# Information?" 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