The LUNCHROOM

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THE LUNCHROOM

Episode One
"The Mourning After"

Written by
Bruce Snyder

Created by
Bruce Snyder

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Bruce Snyder

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Vincent Biga

EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Edward Drogos

STORY EDITOR
Rebecca Parker

CAST LIST

Will Cooper.................................
Joel Mayberry...............................
Brian Vandele...............................
Brock Warner................................
Reicther....................................
Casey Jennings..............................
Chris Hughes................................
Ellen Conner................................
Cathy Matthews..............................
Mr. John Parker.............................
Ms. Diane Ballard...........................

GUEST CAST LIST

Principal Bob Stevens.......................
Richard.....................................
Kirk........................................
Joseph Said.................................
William Reicther............................
Teacher.....................................
School Nurse................................

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. COOPER HOUSE - DAY

Establishing shot.

CUT TO:

INT. COOPER HOUSE - WILL'S ROOM - SAME

CLOSE UP ON WILL'S FACE:

All we can see is WILL COOPER'S face. He is looking
down, with a look of pure joy on his face.

WILL
Oh yeah. That's the way I like it.

CUT TO:

INT. COOPER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME

It's empty and dark. The front door starts to inch open
and ELLEN CONNER sticks her head in.

ELLEN
Hello? Will? The front door was open
so I let myself in.

She looks around.

ELLEN
Will?

CUT TO:

INT. WILL'S ROOM - SAME

CLOSE UP ON WILL'S FACE:

His face is still in a state of joy, completely unaware
that Ellen has entered the house.

WILL
God, I love doing this.

CUT TO:

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Ellen has quietly walked up the stairs, constantly
looking around for somebody.

ELLEN
Anybody home?

She starts to walk down the hall before noticing light
coming out of a room near the end of the hall. She walks
up to and opens it.

CUT TO:

INT. WILL'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The door opens and Ellen enters. She gasps in horror.

ELLEN
Oh dear God!

The camera PANS to the LEFT to see that Will is on his
bed. Next to him is a large stack of Garfield books. He
is holding one in his lap and reading it.

He drops the book in embarrassment.

WILL
(ashamed)
I have a problem.

SMASH CUT TO:
OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:

Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the
credits.

AFTER CREDITS:

FADE IN:

INT. ROOM - NIGHT (DREAM SEQUENCE: BLACK & WHITE)

It's a small room, with only a tiny bed in the corner
and a desk near the doorway. Sitting at the desk is KATE
DAVIDSON. She is in the middle of writing a letter.

KATE (V/O)
Dear Chris. I feel certain that I'm
going mad again, and I don't think
I can recover this time. I began to
hear voices, and I can't
concentrate. So I am doing what
seems to be the best thing to do.

She finishes the letter and begins to fold it up.

KATE (V/O) (CONT'D)
You have given me the greatest
possible happiness.

She puts the letter into an envelope.

KATE (V/O) (CONT'D)
You have been in every way all that
anyone could be.

She writes on the envelope in big letters "CHRIS." She
gets up and heads to the bathroom doorway.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS (DREAM SEQUENCE: BLACK & WHITE)

Kate enters and goes over to a wall.

KATE (V/O) (CONT'D)
I don't think two people could have
been happier till this terrible
problem came. I can't fight it any
longer.

She removes a loose piece of wall and sticks her arm
into it, searching for something.

KATE (V/O) (CONT'D)
I know that I am spoiling your life.
I know that without me you could
work. And you will, I know.

She pulls her arm out. She has a bottle of pills in her
hand. She walks over to the sink and looks into the
mirror.

KATE (V/O) (CONT'D)
You see I can't even write this
properly.

She opens the bottle and pours about ten pills into her
hand. She looks into the mirror again, almost afraid to
do it.

KATE (V/O) (CONT'D)
What I want to say is I owe all the
happiness of my life to you.

She quickly take the pills but has a hard time
swallowing. Finally she gets them all down.

CUT TO:

INT. ROOM - CONTINUOUS (DREAM SEQUENCE: BLACK & WHITE)

Kate comes out of the bathroom and sits on the edge of
her bed.

KATE (V/O)
You have been entirely patient with
me and incredibly good. If anybody
could have saved me it would have
been you.

After a few seconds she lays down on the bed, staring at
her ceiling wall.

KATE (V/O)
Everything has gone from me but the
certainty of your goodness.

Beat. Her eyes slowly close.

KATE (V/O)
I can't go on spoiling your life
any longer.

Her eyes close.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. CHRIS' ROOM - MORNING

CHRIS HUGHES quickly sits up in his bed, very shaken
from this bad dream. He huffs and puffs trying to calm
himself down. We suddenly notice his new appearance.
Unlike before, he seems more physically fit as is not
wearing a shirt and appears to have abs. He has also
shaved his head bald, and has a goatee.

After he has calmed down a bit he looks over at the
clock and notices it's six in the morning. He gets up
and exists.

CUT TO:

EXT. CHRIS' HOUSE - MINUTES LATER

Chris emerges from the house, in shorts and a white
T-shirt. He starts to stretch his muscles, preparing to
jog.

Before he takes off, he puts on headphones. He hits play
on his Ipod.

BEGIN SONG (The Fray's "Over My Head")

Chris takes off running.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE IN:

(THE SONG CONTINUES OVER THE NEXT SET OF SCENES)

EXT. CENTERVILLE - EARLY MORNING (ARIAL VIEW)

Establishing shot. We can see the whole town. The sun is
just now hitting it with it's first rays of the day.

CUT TO:

EXT. CENTERVILLE HIGH SCHOOL - SAME

Establishing shot. The sun rays are hitting it for the
first time. A JANITOR walks up to the front doors and
unlocks the place. He props the door open and heads
inside.

CUT TO:

INT. WILL'S ROOM - SAME

Will is sleeping on his bed, his blankets are all over
the place. The ALARM on his nightstand starts to buzz.
Will slowly lifts his head and hits snooze.

WILL
(sleepy)
I fucking hate Mondays!

He slowly sits up, about to begin his morning routine.

FADE TO:

EXT. SIDEWALK - MINUTES LATER

Chris is jogging along a suburban street. He listens to
an Ipod and continues his new daily exercise routine.

FADE TO:

EXT. BUSY ROAD - SAME

CASEY JENNINGS is riding his SCOOTER down a very busy
town road. BROCK WARNER is sitting behind him, holding
on to him. The scooter is only going about ten miles per
hour, as there is a line of cars behind Casey honking
and shouting insults at him.

Brock looks embarrassed, but the incident doesn’t seem
to affect Casey at all. In fact he whistles to himself,
almost unaware of the cars behind him.

BROCK
(under breath)
Why do I ride with you?

FADE TO:

EXT. VANDELE HOUSE - SAME

Establishing shot. Brian's car is park in front.

CUT TO:

INT. BRIAN'S CAR - SAME

BRIAN VANDELE, whose hair has grown down to his
shoulders, sits in the driver's seat. He checks to see
if the coast is clear. He reaches into the glove
compartment and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He pulls out one and lights it with a lighter from his
pocket. At this point he slides down a bit in his seat,
almost like he's relaxing.

BRIAN
Sweet, sweet nicotine.

FADE TO:

INT. MAYBERRY HOME - HALLWAY - SAME

JOEL MAYBERRY is walking down the hallway, putting on a
shirt.

JOEL
Okay, Cathy. We can go now.

Joel enters the kitchen.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Just as Joel enters, he freezes in place. CATHY MATTHEWS
is at the refrigerator, with a plate in her hand. She is
going to town on a large piece of HAM.

JOEL
What the hell, Cathy!?

CATHY
I'm sorry. I thought I just help
myself to some breakfast?

Joel is still confused.

JOEL
Ham? Ham for breakfast?

CATHY
I don't know what it is but lately
I've been having the weirdest
cravings.

Suddenly her stomach makes a weird gargling sound.

CATHY
Excuse me but I think the ham is
coming back for seconds.

She runs out of the kitchen, handing the plate of ham to
Joel as she leaves. Joel seems confused by this.

FADE TO:

EXT. REICTHER HOUSE - SAME

Establishing shot. There is a very run down, old red
pick up truck that sits in the driveway. This belongs to
REICTHER. He emerges from the house and heads for the
truck.

CUT TO:

INT. TRUCK - CONTINUOUS

Reicther enters the truck.

REICTHER
(to truck)
How are we doing today, Captain
Dan?

He pats the dashboard, very happy. Before he starts the
car he pulls down the visor. Suddenly a DEAD SNAKE falls
out of it and lands on Reicther's lap. He starts jumping
up and down, screaming in horror. After a second he
grabs the snake and chucks into the back of the truck.

He takes a minute to calm himself down. He takes long
deep breathes.

REICTHER
(to himself)
The prankster strikes again!

FADE TO:

EXT. STREET - MINUTES LATER

Ellen is walking down the street, with a backpack on
her. She has her arms crossed trying to keep warm in
this early morning weather. A beat up old gray BUICK
slowly crawls along with her. Will is sticking his head
out of the driver's window.

WILL
Ellen, get in the damn car!

ELLEN
NO! Not until you fucking admit
that "Batman Begins" is a prequel!

WILL
It's a reboot.

ELLEN
You say reboot, I say fuck you it's
a prequel.

Will rolls his eyes. They continue down the road arguing.

FADE TO:

EXT. INNER CITY SCHOOL - SAME

It's a horrible, run down school. Some of the windows
are broken and there is graffiti all over one of the
walls. Near the front of the building stand JOHN PARKER
and DIANE BALLARD. They stand there staring at their new
school.

BALLARD
Well, look on the bright side.
Things could be worse.

PARKER
I think Julius Caesar said that
right before he was stabbed by his
friends.

BALLARD
C'mon, we haven't even step foot in the
school yet.

A little BOY, about five or six and is African American,
walks by. Ballard stops him.

BALLARD
Hey little fella. Do you go to
this school?

In no time at all the little boy whips out a knife.

LITTLE BOY
Bitch, gimmie all your money!

PARKER
God, this is the third time we've
been robbed on our way to school.

Parker sighs and reaches into his pocket. As he does
that we PAN to the sky.

FADE TO BLACK.

(SONG FADES AWAY)

FADE IN:

INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY - MINUTES LATER

Brock, Casey, and Brian are walking down a hallway.
Brock and Casey stand close together with Brian walking
behind them. Brian has his head buried in a BATMAN comic.
Every few seconds, Brian sniffs the air as if something
smells rotten.

BROCK
Look I appreciate everything your
trying to do, Casey. But it's
pointless.

CASEY
No, it's not! I promise you Brock
by the end of our senior year I
will get you a date.

BROCK
Why bother? No woman is going to
want me. You might as well quit
while you're a head.

CASEY
You know, a great man once said
that quitters are just pussies.

Brian rises his head from his reading.

BRIAN
Who said that?

CASEY
Um...that bearded guy who was
crucified.

BRIAN
You mean Jesus?

CASEY
Yeah, that's the one!

BRIAN
All you remember about our lord and
savior is that he has a beard?

CASEY
It sure wasn't for the voodoo he
used.

Brian rolls his eyes.

BRIAN
Sometimes you being an atheist gets
really annoying.

Brian sniffs the air again.

BRIAN
(to himself)
What the fuck is that smell!

Casey turns back to Brock.

BROCK
Casey, I've been trying to find
love in this place for the last
three years. And you know what I
recently learn: there's no point.
Most of the girls around this place
are idiot bimbos who want to talk
about last night's episode of
"Grey's Anatomy." Besides, I'm not
nearly good looking enough to
compete with half the guys around
here.

Casey seems offended.

CASEY
Are you nuts?! You're Brock. If I
was gay I'd totally hit that.

Brock shudders in horror.

BRIAN
Okay, who else smells that? It's
disgusting.

Brock and Casey sniff the air.

CASEY
(embarrassed)
Oh that's me.

BRIAN
And why pre tell do you smell like
burnt bacon wrapped in gym socks?

CASEY
Because...I work at McDonald's.

Brian and Brock quickly scoot away from him. Brian lets
out a small chuckle.

BRIAN
Enjoy smelling like French fries,
motherfucker.

CASEY
Hey, I had to. You know how
expensive it is to see Kay
nowadays? We all can't get money
from our dads like you do.

BRIAN
It's not my fault I get my dad's
social security. But that's what
happens when you have your fourth
heart attack.

Reicther storms into the hall and stops them by
presenting THREE BOOKS to the guys. He is extremely
upset.

BROCK
What's wrong with you?

REICTHER
Some jerk has been pulling pranks
on me ever since we got back to
school.

CASEY
Really?

REICTHER
And look what they did to my books.

Reicther hands Brock one of the books. Brock tries to
open it, but can't.

BROCK
What gives?

REICTHER
This guy individually glued every
page together in math book and my
English books.

Brock, Casey, and Brian start to laugh. They start to
walk again, with Reicther following.

REICTHER
This isn't funny!

BRIAN
You're right, it's not funny...it's
hysterical.

Reicther sighs.

REICTHER
This guys keeps messing with my
locker and my stuff. And this
morning he left a dead snake in
Captain Dan.

BROCK
Who's Captain Dan?

REICTHER
My truck.

BROCK
Okay I understand naming your truck,
but why did you give it a title
like captain?

REICTHER
I know this sounds weird but it
looks like a captain.

Brock rolls his eyes just as the four of them enter the
Lunchroom.

CUT TO:

INT. LUNCHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Just as Brian, Casey, Brock, and Reicther enter they
stop in amazement. There is a giant sign that reads
"Welcome back, Chris!"

BROCK
Wow. Fancy.

They head toward a table where Ellen, Joel, and Will are
sitting. At their table there a few balloons.

BRIAN
What's all this for?

ELLEN
Chris. It's his first day back
since Kate's death. I thought we
should make him feel welcome.

Will sucks in the air from one of the balloons.

WILL
(high pitch
helium voice)
"Luke...I am your father.

Joel breathes in a balloon.

JOEL
(high pitch
helium voice)
"You talking to me? Are you talking
to me?"

She takes them away.

ELLEN
Well thanks for ruining the balloons.

WILL
(high pitch
helium voice)
What crawled up her butt?

CASEY
I don't know if this'll work. He's
been quiet and moody the last
couple months.

JOEL
Good point. The one time we tried
to cheer up him over the summer he
went through five stage of grief.

CUT TO:

INT. SHAKE SHOP - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

At a table sit Will, Joel, Casey, and Chris. Chris looks
a little sad.

WILL
Chris, my friend. We are going to
cheer you up.

CHRIS
Guys there's no point. I'm not the
least bit sad.

Title Card: "Denial."

A WAITER comes up to the table and places a bowl of ice
cream in front of Chris.

WAITER
There you go sir.

CHRIS
I said no sprinkles, you son of a
bitch!

He tosses the ice cream across the room. Will, Joel, and
Casey seem worried.

CHRIS
Fuck! I want to punch somebody in
the fucking face!

Title Card: "Anger."

Chris lowers his head.

JOEL
Take it easy, man.

Chris shakes his head.

CHRIS
I'd give anything to get an ice
cream with out sprinkles.

Title Card: "Bargaining."

Chris sniffs a bit and looks like he's about to cry.

CHRIS
But no! It's impossible but the
waiter is too stupid!

He gets watery eyed.

Title Card: "Depression."

Joel, unsure of what to do, pats Chris on the back.

JOEL
There, there buddy.

Almost like magic, Chris' eyes return to normal and he
suddenly seems a lot happier.

CHRIS
You know what? I'm fine with it.
Sure it has sprinkles but I mean
they're not that bad.

Chris grabs a spoon and takes a bit from Casey's bull.
Will, Joel, and Casey just stare at him with their
mouths wide opened, amazed at what they've seen.

Title Card: "Acceptance."

CUT TO:

INT. LUNCHROOM - SAME (PRESENT DAY)

WILL
It probably didn't help that a
certain *someone* knocked over
Kate's casket at the funeral.

Everyone looks at Reicther.

REICTHER
It was an accident.

VOICE (O.S.)
He's coming!

Everyone hides under the table. After a few seconds we
can hear someone do a count off. When it hits zero
everyone gets up and yells:

EVERYONE
WELCOME BACK CHR -

They trail off as it turns out that it is not Chris but
RICHARD, a wheelchair bound student. Everyone seems
disappointed.

RICHARD
What's all this?

CASEY
That's not Chris.

BROCK
Astounding discovery, Sherlock.

Just at that moment Chris walks in.

CHRIS
What's all this?

Everyone turns. They all seem confused about what to do.

REICTHER
Aw, Richard. You ruined Chris'
surprise.

RICHARD
It was an accident.

REICTHER
Sorry doesn't bring the surprise back.

RICHARD
Jeeze. My bad.
(scoffs)
Why don't you learn to be more
courteous?

REICTHER
Why don't you learn to walk?

Richard leaves.

REICTHER
That guy has had it out for me
since Freshmen year.

BRIAN
(sarcastically)
I wonder why.

The bell rings and everyone scatters away. They each
walk by and Chris and greet him with a different
variation for "welcome back." After everyone is gone,
Chris lingers and looks about the empty lunchroom.

CHRIS
Glad to be back.

CUT TO:

INT. INNER CITY SCHOOL - TEACHER'S LOUNGE - LITTLE LATER

It's a destitute place. There are worn down tables,
broken chairs, and a non working coffee machine. A few
teachers linger around, reading the paper or watching
what's ever on the TV. Parker and Ballard are sitting a
small table near the corner.

An olGod is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert.der, fatter TEACHER stands up.

TEACHER #1
Well I'm off to study hall.

He walks over to the counter and puts on A BULLET PROOF
VEST.

TEACHER #1
Wish me luck.

The teacher leaves, as Parker watches in disbelief.

PARKER
This is ridiculous, Diane. We're
teaching in hell. It may look a
little different what with the gym
and the one air conditioner but
it's hell underneath.

BALLARD
At least we're still teaching.
We're lucky we still have jobs
after all those bad recommendations
Stevens gave.

PARKER
Lucky? Diane, I got my job because the
last guy was shot...

BALLARD
So what, people get shot all the
time.

PARKER
...he was shot during class.

Shots ring out. Parker and Ballard are the only ones
scared.

BALLARD
What was that?

TEACHER #2
The start of passing period.

Parker shots Ballard a look.

BALLARD
Okay, you're right. This place is a
cesspool.

Ballard thinks.

BALLARD
Maybe we could apologize to Stevens
and ask for our jobs back.

PARKER
(nervous)
Um...that might be a problem.

BALLARD
What kind of problem?

PARKER
One which involves me mooning him
on his own front lawn.

Ballard just shakes her head.

BALLARD
Just...why?

PARKER
Leave me alone. I was drunk.

BALLARD
Wonder how many times your ex-wife
said that.

PARKER
Not nearly as much s you did.

Parker laughs.

PARKER
Total burn.

Ballard shakes her head.

BALLARD
I guess we'll just have to get use
to this place.

PARKER
I guess so. I'm sure it's not all
that bad.

Teacher #1 reenters with gunshot to the arm. He seems
very calm and nonchalant about as if it happens every
day.

TEACHER
(nonchalant)
Those punks shot me again.

NURSE
(annoyed)
I'll get the rubbing alcohol and a
band aid.

Parker and Ballard exchange horrified looks.

BALLARD
Whatever it takes, we have to get
our jobs back!

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - LATER

Brock and Reicther are walking down the hallway.

REICTHER
Brock, after many years I think
I've finally found an answer.

BROCK
Answer to what?

REICTHER
To the question "How do you
handcuff a one armed man?"

Brock sighs and stops at his locker.

REICTHER
Well fine. If you're going to be
like that then you don't get to
know.

Reicther goes to his locker and works on getting it
open. It appears to be stuck. Chris walks up and starts
to put his stuff up. Brock takes this as an opportunity
to talk.

BROCK
Hey, Chris.

CHRIS
Hey.

BROCK
Didn't have a chance to ask you
earlier but uh...how are you
holding up?

CHRIS
Better then one would expect. It
was pretty bad when it first
happened. It was just so painful. I
mean someone who I had kissed,
someone I was holding in my arms
just days before...was suddenly
dead. Then after that I just felt
nothing. Just complete emptiness.

Beat.

CHRIS
But, I'm better now. I think I
might have gotten over it.

BROCK
Are you sure? You don't have to be
afraid to tell me anything.

CHRIS
Nah, nah. I'm good.

BROCK
Positive?

CHRIS
There is not a thing wrong with me.

Reicther finally gets his locker open and SUDDENLY
gallon after gallon of RED JELLO spills onto the floor.
Reicther is shocked. He looks closer and sees that
everything in his locker is covered in jello.

CHRIS
On the other hand, HE seems to have
some serious problems.

Everyone nearby starts to laugh.

REICTHER
This isn't funny! This is a serious
crime! It's a hate crime!

BROCK
No, no it's not.

REICTHER
Yes it is! Someone obviously hates
me!

Chris walks away.

CUT TO:

INT. ANOTHER HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Chris walks down the hall, looking dead ahead.

CHRIS (V/O)
Okay so far so good. No one has
really mentioned Kate yet. This
isn't nearly as bad as I thought it
would be.

Chris turns to another hall.

CUT TO:

INT. ANOTHER HALL - CONTINUOUS

Chris enters the hall and begins to walk down when
suddenly most people take notice. They stop their
conversations and begin to whisper various things as
Chris walks by. This is very noticeable to Chris. He
sighs.

CHRIS (V/O)
I spoke too soon.

He passes by several people who shout various things at
him.

MALE JOCK (O.S.)
Sorry about your loss, nerd.

CHRIS
Um...thanks, sorta.

GOTH GIRL (O.S.)
She did what I've trying for years.

CHRIS
(confused)
Was that even a condolence?

SKATER BOY (O.S.)
Sorry to hear about your grandma.

CHRIS
You couldn't be more wrong.

Chris walks a little faster to get away from them all
when suddenly KIRK jumps out and hugs him.

KIRK
Hey, Chris. Sorry about your loss.

CHRIS
Oh, thanks Kirk.

KIRK
Here, have a brownie. It'll make
you feel better.

He hands Chris a brownie laced with pills.

CHRIS
Uh, Kirk...this is laced with pills.

KIRK
Oh those are roofies.

Kirk takes the brownie back.

KIRK
Sorry. It was meant for someone else.

Chris gives a horrified look.

KIRK
No, not for that. I've playing
pranks on someone and I thought it
be funny if he falls asleep during
his Math test.

Kirk runs off. Chris takes only a few steps before TWO
CHEERLEADERS pop up in front of him.

CHEERLEADER #1
Are you the kid who's girlfriend...you
know -

Makes wrist slitting motion.

CHRIS
It was actually more of a -

Makes a swallowing pills motion.

CHRIS
- Thing.

CHEERLEADER #2
We're so, so, SO sorry that
happened.

CHEERLEADER #1
When I heard about what happened I
must have cried for days. It was
like I lost my best friend.

Chris sighs.

CHRIS
Did you even know her name?

CHEERLEADER #2
It was Jennifer something wasn't it?

Cheerleader #1 begins to cry.

CHEERLEADER #1
You have NO idea how hard her death
is to deal with.

CHRIS
See that's where your wrong.
Because I was kinda her boyfriend
so I think I have a general idea.

Cheerleader #1 slaps Chris.

CHEERLEADER #1
I'm just grieving you asshole!

The cheerleaders walk away as Chris feels his wounds.
The bell rings.

CUT TO:

INT. LUNCHROOM - MINUTES LATER

Cathy, Joel, Will, and Ellen are all sitting around a
table eating. Will and Ellen are quietly talking to
themselves while Joel watches in amazement as Cathy as
scarfing down all over her food in a matter of seconds.

JOEL
Cathy, slow down that pizza isn’t
going anywhere.

She drops her food and gives him an icy stare.

CATHY
Are you calling me fat?

JOEL
No, I was just saying that -

She slaps him. Will and Ellen are now paying very close
attention. Cathy starts to cry.

CATHY
You know how hard it is to stay
thin around here? What with them
constantly shoving food in our faces.

JOEL
Honey, I'm sorry.

He hugs her, to comfort her. He gives her a small kiss
on the forehead. Cathy looks into his eyes and seems to
be turned on by something. She pulls him in and starts
making out with him.

CATHY
I want you so bad.

JOEL
(confused)
What the hell?

She suddenly stops as she feels stomach.

CATHY
Oh God. I feel so bloated. I'll be
back.

She gets up and leaves. Will and Ellen continue to
stare.

ELLEN
That was...odd.

JOEL
I gotta tell you guys, I'm worried
about her. She's just been a little
..."Off" these past few weeks. She
throws up every time she comes over
in the morning and she's been all
over the place emotionally.
(beat)
But she's so sensitive, I don't
know what to do.

Beat.

WILL
Have you tried hitting her?

JOEL
Wait, WHAT?! No!

Beat.

WILL
Maybe you should.

Joel gives him a look, Will laughs.

JOEL
I'm going to go check on her.

WILL
C'mon, Joel. I was just kidding!

Joel gets up and leaves. Ellen seems to be mulling
something over.

ELLEN
I think Cathy's a little "late" if
you catch my drift.

Will gives her a look.

WILL
What are you talking about?

ELLEN
C'mon, didn't you notice Cathy?

WILL
Well, I did but Joel's already
dating her.

ELLEN
Her hormones are all over the place.
She eats her own weight in shitty
cafeteria food. Joel said she's
been sick in the mornings.

Long pause.

WILL
I don't see where you're going with
this.

ELLEN
Cathy's pregnant!

Some people nearby turn around.

WILL
She's just talking about "Grey's
Anatomy" or "Desperate Housewives"
or what ever crappy show you girls
are watching now a days.

Everyone turns around. He quickly turns to Ellen, and
talks quietly.

WILL
What the hell do you think you're
doing screaming that?

ELLEN
It's pretty obvious now, isn't it?

Will realizes she's right.

WILL
Oh my God, how could I be so blind?

ELLEN
Do you think Joel knows?

WILL
Not a chance. He would have told me
if he knocked up his secret
girlfriend.

ELLEN
If she's his secret girlfriend,
don't you think he would keep this
secret?

Will begins to say something but stops.

WILL
Shut up.

CUT TO:

INT. MATH CLASS - AN HOUR LATER

Chris and Reicther sit in the very back row. Chris is
looking over a review sheet while Reicther is struggling
to stay conscious. He occasionally nods off, only to wake
a second later.

CHRIS
What's wrong with you?

REICTHER
I don't know. Ever since Kirk gave
me that Brownie with the white
chocolate chips I've felt like I'm
going to pass out.

Reicther continues to attempt to fight it. The math
teacher, MRS. LIEBERSTEIN, enters the room and addresses
the class.

LIEBERSTEIN
All right everybody. Put your books
and notes away. Time for the quiz.

Everyone starts putting their stuff away. Lieberstein
notices Chris and walks up to him.

LIEBERSTEIN
Chris you can just read a book or
do something else if you like.

CHRIS
What to you mean? Aren't I taking
the test?

LIEBERSTEIN
Well I assume that you're still
racked with grief, so you're
excused from the test.

CHRIS
But I'm ready to take it.

LIEBERSTEIN
Better not risk it. I don't want
you failing because you're
depressed.

CHRIS
I'm not depressed!

LIEBERSTEIN
I think you're in denial.

CHRIS
I'm not in denial!

LIEBERSTEIN
See! Proved my point! Denial.

Chris is getting frustrated.

LIEBERSTEIN
Just go out and wait in the hall
and do some...
(thinks)
...black guy stuff.

Chris grabs his stuff and heads for the hall. Just at
the moment, Reicther falls out of his seat nailing his
head against another desk.

STUDENT #1
Teacher! I think the boy sitting
next to me has died.

The class turns around and start to scream. Lieberstein
attempts to calm them down.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - MINUTES LATER

Chris is walking down the hall, with his head down. It's
obvious that it's been a bad day.

CHRIS
Lousy fucking day.

He passes by a locker that is covered with pictures and
notes. He stops and takes a closer look. He reaches over
and plucks one of the notes off the locker.

CLOSE UP ON THE NOTE:
It's Kate's suicide note.

Chris is now furious.

CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL - OFFICE ENTERANCE - MINUTES LATER

Brock is at the front desk, talking with the secretary.

BROCK
I've been trying to get rid of that
class since Sophomore year but they
won't listen.

Chris comes storming in. He throws Kate's suicide note
in Brock's face.

CHRIS
What the hell is this?

BROCK
I don't know.

Brock looks it over and realizes what it is.

BROCK
Oh. Why's this here?

CHRIS
Gee I don't know but it was taped
to Kate's locker!

BROCK
How'd it get there?

Chris gives Brock a "you should know" look.

CHRIS
It must have been you!

BROCK
Me? How the hell did you jump to
that conclusion?

CHRIS
Because you’re the only guy I
showed the note too.

BROCK
Do you actually think I showed
other people?

CHRIS
Did you make copies or something?

Brock seems very offended.

BROCK
Jesus fucking Christ! Are you out of
your fucking mind?

CHRIS
Just admit to what you did!

PRINCIPAL BOB STEVENS emerges from his office to see
what's happening.

STEVENS
What's going on here?

CHRIS
I want you to do something about
this!

Hands him the suicide note.

STEVENS
About what?

CHRIS
About what? Some fuck nut is
hanging some very personal shit on
Kate's locker!

Beat as Stevens reads it over.

STEVENS
Do you know who did it?

CHRIS
Well, no -

STEVENS
I'm sorry, Mr. Hughes. Without
knowing who did it I can't do
anything.

CHRIS
What do you mean you can't do
anything?! TAKE THAT SHIT DOWN! Get
all that stuff off her locker!

STEVENS
I don't think I should do that. The
student council came up with the
idea and honesty I think it's a
great way to remember her.

Chris is absolutely speechless.

CHRIS
Fuck you and fuck the student
council! None of you would even
give her the time of day when she
was alive!

STEVENS
All right, this is unacceptable.
You're going to spend the rest of
the day in I.S.S. mister. I don't
care how much your grieving I'm not
putting up with that sort of
language and disrespect.

Stevens leads Chris to a room.

FADE TO:

EXT. STEVENS HOUSE - EARLY EVENING (HOURS LATER)

The sun is just going down. A red convertible pulls up
in front of this very large and furnished house.
Principal Stevens gets out and starts to walk his
way up to the house. Suddenly, out of the bushes, a HOOKER
appears in a very skimpy dress.

HOOKER
Hey, daddy.

Stevens turns, aghast at what he's seeing.

STEVENS
Who are you?

HOOKER
I'm your dream come true.

She trips and falls down. Parker jumps out from
the bushes and a light flashes. He's just taken a
picture.

PARKER
HUZZAH!

Parker notices that the hooker fell down. The picture
comes out of the camera and Parker examines it.

PARKER
(disappointed)
Aw.

STEVENS
(confused)
What the hell is going on here?

Parker pretends to be surprised.

PARKER
Oh, hi...I didn't see you there Bob.

The hooker stands up.

HOOKER
Did you get the picture because
you'll have to pay me again to
retake it.

STEVENS
Picture?

Parker tries to act like he doesn't know what's going
on.

PARKER
God, only knows what she's talking
about. It's that crazy hooker lingo.

STEVENS
I know you better then that, John.
I know you're up to something. Now
you better confess before I go
inside and call the cops!

Parker sighs.

PARKER
I was going to get a picture of you
with a prostitute and try to
blackmail you into getting my job
back.

Even Stevens is amazed at how low Parker has sunk.

STEVENS
My God man. This is low...even for
you.

Ballard comes out from the bushes and seems a little
embarrassed.

BALLARD
Sir, I know this might be hard to
believe...but this was my idea.

Stevens shakes his head and starts to walk toward his
house. Parker and Ballard walk beside him.

PARKER
Bob, we've got to put the past
behind us.
(Stevens ignores
him)
Can't we let bygones be bygones?
(Stevens ignores
him)
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET US COME
BACK TO WORK!

BALLARD
We'll do whatever you want! Just
don't make us go back to that
hellhole!

Stevens turns around to them.

STEVENS
Let me try and put this as plainly
as possible. There is no way on
God's green earth that you two will
ever teach at my school ever again.

Stevens continues on and enters his house. Parker and
Ballard slump their shoulders in defeat. The Hooker
walks up behind Parker and puts her arm around his
shoulder.

HOOKER
I'm sorry, baby. You want to try
the "twirling beetle?" Free of
charge.

Parker seems very interested.

PARKER
Free you say?

Ballard drags him away.

BALLARD
Come on, let's get out of here.

They leave.

CUT TO:

INT. SHAKESHOP - SAME

Joel and Cathy are sitting in a table in corner. The
couple are hard at work at a Sudoku puzzle. At the
entrance of the building Ellen and Will stand watching.

ELLEN
Okay. You distract him, and I'll
confront her.

WILL
You got it.

Will and Ellen walk up to Joel and Cathy.

WILL
Joel, you busy?

JOEL
Yeah actually I am.

WILL
I got the new Prince CD in my car.

JOEL
I'm there.

Will and Joel leave.

ELLEN
I know what your doing.

CATHY
(about puzzle)
Good because this is confusing. How
am I suppose to get them to add up
to ten?

ELLEN
You're pregnant!

Cathy looks around to make sure no one heard.

CATHY
Yeah...but only a little bit.

ELLEN
How can you bit a little pregnant?

CATHY
I'm only twenty weeks along.

ELLEN
(surprised)
TWENTY WEEKS! Have you even told
him yet?!

CATHY
I was getting around to it.

ELLEN
Cathy, you've got to tell him.

CATHY
I don't have to do anything.

ELLEN
What? You think you can keep this
secret for much longer? In a few
months Joel will wonder what’s up
with the baby you're carrying
around.

CATHY
I'm just scared to tell him.

ELLEN
Why?

Will and Joel reenter, arguing.

JOEL
Never lie to me again about having
a prince album.

CATHY
(whispering)
Guess which one us lied about being
on the pill. A bombshell like this
...he will never forgive me.

ELLEN
(whispering)
You're making a mistake.

CATHY
(whispering)
Yeah. But it's *my* mistake and
I'll deal with whatever
consequences come my way.

Will and Joel come back to the table. Ellen stands up.

ELLEN
C'mon Will. Let's get out of here.

Ellen leaves, dragging Will with her. Joel sits down,
confused by Ellen's angry demeanor.

JOEL
What's wrong with her?

CATHY
Beats me.

Cathy tries to go back to work on the puzzle but it's
clear that what Ellen said has gotten to her.

CUT TO:

INT. REICTHER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - LATER

Reicther enters, obviously returning home after a long
day.

REICTHER
Time to kick back, and relax to
some good old History channel.

Reicther heads toward his room.

CUT TO:

INT. REICTHER'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

It's pitch black. Reicther enters and turns on the
lights. Reicther drops his jaw in complete shock and
amazement. Taking up much space in the middle of his
room is a giant GRIMACE statue from McDonald’s. It's
beat up, with some of the purple pain wearing off.

Reicther is scratching his head. At that moment he
notices that there is a note attached to the statue. He
picks it off and begins to read.

REICTHER
(reading)
"It may have taken us three years
but we finally freakin' got you.
Enjoy Grimace."

Reicther drops the note and begins to feel the Grimace.

REICTHER
Well, at least it's over.

BAM! A gunshot is heard from the other room. Reicther
goes running out.

INT. REICTHER HOME - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Reicther and his mother, JILL enter the room. Near the
refrigerator stands a headless HAMBURGLAR statue. At the
other end of the room is Reicther's father, WILLIAM. In
one hand is a MAGNUM and in the other hand a cheeseburger.

WILLIAM
Honestly, what are the freakin'
chances this guy breaks in the same
night I have a Mac attack?

Reicther and Jill are stunned.

REICTHER
Holy shit!

Jill hits Reicther.

JILL
(offended)
Don't use that language.

REICTHER
What? It's not like I said "fuck."

Jill hits him again.

CUT TO:

EXT. REICTHER HOUSE - SAME

Across the street sits Kirk's van.

CUT TO:

INT. KIRK'S VAN - SAME

In the driver's seat sits Kirk while his best friend and
foreign exchange student JOSEPH SAID sits in the
passenger's side. In the back is Richard, who is looking
out the window with binoculars.

RICHARD
(laughing)
Gentlemen...the Hamburglar just
lost his head.

They all laugh.

JOSEPH
You must really hate this guy to
steal shit from McDonald's and hide
it his house.

RICHARD
He made the fatal error of making
one too many cripple jokes.

KIRK
What should we do to him tomorrow?

RICHARD
Well for starters, I replaced his
shampoo with orange hair dye so
that should keep him busy for a
couple of hours.

They laugh.

CUT TO:

EXT. REICTHER HOUSE - SAME

William comes running out heading toward the garage.

WILLIAM
Hold on! Let me find another gun.
I'm going to plant it on him to
make it look like I did it in self
defense.

He enters the garage.

TIME FADE:

INT. SIDEWALK - LATER

Parker and Ballard walk side by side, looking depressed
and defeated. Ballard looks over at Parker and tries to
think of something to say.

BALLARD
At least we tried our best.

Beat.

PARKER
(depressed)
Yeah I guess.

BALLARD
Hey...cheer up.

Parker gives her a forced, modest smile. They come
across THE BROWN JUG, a bar.

BALLARD
Here, I'll buy you a drink.

PARKER
It's a school night. Should we
really be drinking?

BALLARD
(scoffs)
I can't imagine going back to that
place without alcohol in my system.

PARKER
Good point.

They enter the bar.

CUT TO:

INT. BROWN JUB - CONTINUOUS

Parker and Ballard walk into the bar, which is
completely empty.

PARKER
Hello? Anyone here?

Faint voices and a small light can be heard from a door
near the side.

BALLARD
I hear voices coming from that
room.

They walk over and enter the room.

CUT TO:

INT. BACK ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Parker and Ballard enter a room that is filled with
twenty members of the KKK. The members stop what they
are doing and take notice of them.

BALLARD
Christ on crutches! It's the KKK!

PARKER
(in awe)
Holy shit!

KKK #1
Can I help you?

PARKER
Sorry. We must have entered the
wrong bar.

They begin to leave. Just at that moment, Bob Stevens
comes in from the side door dressed in full KKK attire.

STEVENS
Greetings fellow hate mongers.

He lets out a shriek as soon as he sees Parker and
Ballard, who have their mouths wide open in surprise.

PARKER
Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!

STEVENS
(embarrassed)
Uh,...hey guys.

PARKER
Bob...are you a member of the Klu
Klux Klan?

A KKK from the crowd scoffs.

KKK #2
Member? Hell, he's the grand dragon
of this section.

A look of pure joy and excitement comes across Parker
and Ballard's face. Bob takes off his hood.

STEVENS
You guys, wouldn’t tell on me
would you? I mean I could lose my job
over this.

Ballard reaches into her pocket and pulls out a
cellphone. She hits record and starts taking video of
him.

BALLARD
So you’re the Grand Dragon of the
Indiana KKK?

Bob sighs.

PARKER
So, Bob...about our jobs.

They smile and give each other a look of joy.

FADE TO:

INT. CHRIS' HOUSE - ROOFTOP - LATER

Chris is sitting at the edge of his rooftop, staring up
at the moon. Brian appears and tries to walk over to
Chris. We also notice he has a small box at his side.

BRIAN
Fuck, man. One of these nights
we're going to fall off.

CHRIS
You got 'em?

Brian sits down and presents the box to him. He opens it
to reveal a box of cigars.

CHRIS
What do you think the others will
say when they find out we've taken
up smoking?

BRIAN
Fuck 'em. They can take their
hippie liberal anti-smoking
propaganda and shove it up their
asses.

They take a pause to light up and take in a deep breath.

BRIAN
So how was your first day back?

CHRIS
Fucking horrible. Everyone keeps
treating me special because of
Kate's death.

BRIAN
(sarcastically)
Oh you poor baby.

CHRIS
Seriously man. Those fucking looks
you get from people. Like you've
got some kind of disease or
something. It sucks.

Beat.

CHRIS
The worst part is her locker.
Everyday on my way to science I'm
going to have to see it. It's going
to be a daily remainder of
something I'd much rather forget.
(chuckles)
It's hard to get over something
when people won't let you forget.

BRIAN
Sounds bad...but what can you do?

Beat.

CHRIS
Well actually my uncle was telling
me about this great school in
London. He said he could get me in
because he use to there. Not only
that but he said I could shadow him
at his job so I could get a head up
on my career.

Brian gives him a puzzled look.

BRIAN
Chris, what are you trying to say?
(beat)
Are you moving or something?

CHRIS
Nah, just wishful thinking. I
couldn't even afford it if I wanted
to do it.

Chris takes a long drag.

CHRIS
Besides...my place is here.

BRIAN
Your damn right. If you leave,
who's going to be our favorite
black Jew?

They both laugh. They sit back, stare at the sky, and
continue to smoke.

BEGIN MUSIC MONTAGE (Marilyn Manson's "Lamb of God")

FADE TO:

INT. CATHY'S ROOM - LATER

Cathy is lying in bed, reading a book. After a few
seconds though, she puts the book down, looking like
something is a miss. She reaches under the covers and
begins to feel around. She pulls her hand out and
reveals that it's covered in blood.

Cathy begins to freak out, breathing hard and muttering
something to herself. She jumps out of bed and runs out
of the room.

FADE TO:

INT. REICTHER'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - SAME

Reicther is staring into the mirror, horrified. His hair
is bright ORANGE. He only wears a towel around his
waist, having just gotten out of the shower.

REICTHER
...Why me?

FADE TO:

EXT. STREET - LATER

Cathy's car barrels down the road.

CUT TO:

INT. CATHY'S CAR - SAME

Cathy is near the brink of tears while trying to focus
on the road. She breathing very hard and fast.

FADE TO:

INT. BROWN JUG - SAME

Parker, Ballard, and Stevens are sitting at the bar.
Parker and Ballard are having a ball looking at the
various pictures of Bob in the KKK outfit. Stevens
angrily stares at the wall ahead of him.

PARKER
Bob, this outfit really brings out
your eyes.

They laugh while Bob grumbles.

FADE TO:

INT. FREE HEALTH CLINIC - LATER

Cathy is sitting among a crowded waiting. She is rocking
back and forth. Her mind is obviously elsewhere.

FADE TO:

INT. CHRIS' HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER

It's late at night. Chris is standing near the wall, on the
telephone.

CHRIS
Hello, Uncle Al? It's me Chris.
(beat)
Yep.
(beat)
Yeah, sorry about that.
(beat)
Well I was calling you about what
we talked about earlier.
(beat)
Yeah that.
(beat)
I want to do it.
(beat)
How quick can you get me back to
London?

CUT TO:

INT. FREE CLINIC - DOCTOR'S OFFICE - LATER

Dr. AMY MILLSAPS is talking to Cathy who is completely
distraught.

MILLSAPS
Well, the tests show that you had a
miscarriage.

Notices that Cathy's out of it.

MILLSAPS
You know doctors today can even
pinpoint a reason for miscarriages.

Cathy starts crying.

MILLSAPS
This isn't your fault, Cathy.

CATHY
My boyfriend is going to be furious
with me.

MILLSAPS
I'm sure if you just explain it to him
he won't be mad at you.

CATHY
He will be.

MILLSAPS
Just tell him -

CATHY
It's no that. He didn't know I was
pregnant.

Pause.

MILLSAPS
Cathy, I'm not your mother so I
can't tell you what to do, but I
think it's essential that you tell
him still.

CATHY
I can't!

MILLSAPS
He has a right to know.

CATHY
But I can't!

MILLSAPS
Why not?

Cathy lowers her head.

CATHY
Because it's not his.

FADE OUT.

(Song continues over the credits)

END OF EPISODE

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