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                          THE LUNCHROOM                                
                               
                          Episode Eleven
                      "Everybody Loves Mr. E"

                                
                           Teleplay by
                     Nick Dunn & Bruce Snyder                                
                                
                            Story by
                          Bruce Snyder                              
                                                                                               
                               
                           Created by
                          Bruce Snyder                                
                                
                                                               
                                
                       EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
                          Bruce Snyder
                                
                       EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
                          Vincent Biga

                       EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
                          Edward Drogos
                                
                          STORY EDITOR
                         Rebecca Parker
                                
                       CONSULTING PRODUCER
                           Max Majernik


                                

                                 
                                 CAST LIST

		Will Cooper.................................
		Joel Mayberry...............................
		Brian Vandele...............................
		Brock Warner................................
		Reicther....................................
		Casey Jennings..............................
		Chris Hughes................................
		Ellen Conner................................
		Cathy Matthews..............................
		Mr. John Parker.............................

 
                              GUEST CAST LIST

		Rob 'Mr. E' Edison..........................
		Principal Bob Stevens.......................
		John Jennings............................... 
		Kay Johnson.................................
		Kay' Friend.................................
		Mr. Harry McDaniel..........................
		Kid #1...................................... 
		Kid #2......................................
		Police Officer #1...........................
		Police Officer #2...........................






     Copyright  Bruce Snyder 

     TEASER

     FADE IN:

     INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY

     Will, Casey, Brock, and Brian are getting dressed for 
     gym class. Will and Casey are deep in conversation. 
     Brock isn't paying much attention.

                                WILL
                    Did you see me yesterday? I was the 
                    MAN! Dodging balls left and right 
                    left and right. Man, I must have 
                    taken down five people in a minute. 
                    I was an animal out there, I tell ya.

                                CASEY
                    Wow, funny how EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE 
                    happened. You got hit like a...like 
                    a...like a guy who...gets hit. Hit 
                    with dodgeballs.

     An awkward pause. Casey has failed in his attempt at a 
     classic comeback.

                                CASEY
                    Can we...forget I just said that? 
                    I'm a little off today.

                                BRIAN
                    You're a little off everyday.

                                WILL
                    Yeah, probably from loosing so 
                    badly.

                                CASEY
                    Again, it's amazing how you seem to 
                    think it's opposite day, because I 
                    was clearly the winner.

                                BROCK
                    I hate gym.

                                WILL
                             (to Casey)
                    You're just in denial. You never 
                    lose at dodgeball and you just can't 
                    handle it.

                                BROCK
                    I loathe gym.

                                CASEY
                              (to Will)
                    All that losing must have messed 
                    with your mind, because your team 
                    lost! Coach Chase said so.

                                WILL
                    Well of course he SAID so. That 
                    overweight, fat fuck loves you.

     Brock begins to pick up on the fact that nobody is 
     listening.

                                BROCK
                    I hate guys NAMED Jim.

                                CASEY
                              (to Will)
                    He doesn't love me, he just hates 
                    you.

                                WILL
                             (to Casey)
                    No, he loves you. Loves you like 
                    you were his own. Why else would 
                    you have an A in here? You don't 
                    ever do anything. Hell, you don't 
                    even know how to fuckin' swim!

                                BROCK
                    Are you listening? Gym makes me not 
                    want to live anymore!

                                CASEY
                             (to Will)
                    Ohh...so it all comes down to 
                    you're jealous of my grade. Now it 
                    all makes sense: The lies, the 
                    losing, more senseless lies...

                                BROCK
                    Is nobody listening to me?

                                WILL
                    Oh Casey, why do I even bother?

                                BROCK
                    I have mono! I licked all your clothes!

     Long, long pause. Brian chokes on some water.

                                BROCK
                    Wow, now you listen.

							SMASH CUT TO:

     OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE:

     Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the 
     credits.

     AFTER CREDITS:

     FADE IN:

     INT. OUTSIDE OF CASEYS HOUSE - SHORTLY BEFORE SCHOOL

     Casey is walking on the sidewalk looking down at his feet.

                                CASEY
                    Stupid feet. I wish I had like 
                    wheels instead.

     Casey stops dead in his tracks.

                                CASEY
                    Man, that would be so AWESOME!

     Casey looks back at his feet.

                                CASEY
                    But I bet it would cost money, 
                    money that I don't have.

     Casey starts to walk again. After a while we hear a 
     small engine approach. Casey looks behind him to see his 
     father, JOHN JENNINGS, on a moped approaching him. 
     Casey's father rides up next to his son, keeping pace.

                                JOHN
                    Hi son.

                                CASEY
                              (amazed)
                    Hey dad...

                                JOHN
                    Notice anything different?

                                CASEY
                    Well, you are riding a scooter.

                                JOHN
                    This just isn't any scooter.

                                CASEY
                    It isn't?

                                JOHN
                    No.

     Beat.

                                CASEY
                    Are you going to tell me what kind 
                    of scooter it is?

                                JOHN
                    Casey.

                                CASEY
                    Dad.

                                JOHN
                    This is YOUR scooter.

     John stops the scooter, gets off and extends his arm to 
     give Casey the keys.

     Casey is in awe.

                                CASEY
                    Are you shitting me?

                                JOHN
                    I can assure you I am not shitting 
                    you.

     Casey looks like a little boy on Christmas morning. He 
     snatches the keys from his father and immediately takes 
     the scooter off screen. We can hear the engine going and 
     Casey letting out obnoxious shouts of joy. His father 
     just stands there looking proud.

                                JOHN
                    My little boy is growing up...

     We hear the scooter run into some garbage cans off screen.

                                JOHN (CONT'D) 
                    ...into a dumb ass.

     John shakes his head and walks off screen.

								CUT TO:

     INT. LUNCHROOM - BEFORE SCHOOL

     Will, Brian, Joel, Brock, and Chris are sitting around 
     the table. Brock is mumbling to himself,  writing in a 
     notebook "I hate Gym" over and over again.

     Will is in the middle of explaining something to the 
     guys.

                                WILL                            
                    Then out of the blue, she holds my 
                    hand. And not one of those 
                    accidentally "oops, wrong spot" 
                    kind but one of those "I mean it" 
                    hand holding things.

                                JOEL
                    Will, I'm impressed.

                                CHRIS
                    Yeah. This Emma girl sounds really 
                    good.

                                WILL
                    Her name is Ellen.

                                JOEL
                    So how long have you two been 
                    dating?

                                WILL
                             (confused)
                    Dating?
                              
                                JOEL
                    Yeah. Aren't you two dating?

                                WILL
                    No.

     Pause. Confusion is suddenly aroused.

                                WILL
                    Why do you all have that look in 
                    your face?

                                JOEL
                    Nothing, nothing. It's just seems...
                    odd.

                                WILL
                    Odd?

                                JOEL
                    Yes.

                                WILL
                    How is it odd?

                                JOEL
                    Well, you hold hands how often?

                                WILL
                    Every night at rehearsals.

                                JOEL
                    How often do you have your arms 
                    wrapped around her waist?

                                WILL
                    Every night.

                                JOEL
                    How much time to you spend with her 
                    at rehearsals?

                                WILL 
                    Pretty much every minute.

     Pause.

                                JOEL
                    Okay, you still don't see how weird 
                    this is not dating?

                                WILL
                    Hey just because, you hold her hand, 
                    wrap your arms around her, and 
                    spend pretty much every second with 
                    someone doesn't not mean you're 
                    dating said person. Hell, it 
                    doesn't even mean we like each 
                    other.

     Joel gives him a look.

                                WILL
                    Okay fine! I like her! You don't 
                    think I've been too obvious do you?

     The bell rings. Everyone, except Brock, gets up.

                                BRIAN
                    C'mon, Brock. It's time for gym.

     Brock rolls his eyes and gets up.

								CUT TO:

     INT. GYM - MINUTES LATER.

     Will, Brian, and Brock are standing near the middle of 
     the court, talking. Suddenly Casey enters, whistling. 

                                BRIAN
                    You seem chipper and happy This 
                    morning.
                            (brief pause)
                    So cut it out. You're bringing me 
                    down.

                                WILL
                    Good day, I suppose?

                                CASEY
                    Oh yes. This morning my dad got me 
                    a scooter.

                                BRIAN
                             (sarcastic)
                    Well, if that isn't the perfect 
                    reason to celebrate.

                                WILL
                    A scooter? Why would you be excited 
                    about that for?

                                CASEY
                    Because I no longer have to bum 
                    rides or ride the fucking city bus 
                    to go see Kay. I can swing by her 
                    school now and pick her up. And I 
                    can do it in style.

                                WILL
                            (sarcastic)
                    Oh yes. Because a woman loves it 
                    when you pick them up in a scooter. 
                    Especially in front of all their 
                    friends.

     As they go on, Brock seems distracted. He starts 
     sniffing the air.

                                BROCK
                         (Sniffing the air)
                    Wait...Something's...wrong. 
                    Something terribly wrong.

                                CASEY
                    What?

                                WILL
                    You're crazy, Brock.

     Beat.

                                BRIAN
                    I farted. Is that it?

                                BROCK
                    No, something much, much more...
                               (Sniffs) 
                    Wait, it is your fart, never mind.

     They all hold their noses in disgust.

                                BRIAN
                    Yeah...sorry about that.

     Suddenly somebody walks into the Gym. It's somebody 
     they've never seen before. He is young and very large. 
     He has a threatening look on his face, almost like a 
     drill-sergeant. He slowly stomps toward his students. 
     The four of them gasp with fear.

                                BROCK
                    Ah I knew it wasn't the fart! I am 
                    psychic!

                                CASEY
                    I think the term is clairvoyant.

                                SUBSTITUTE
                             (threatening voice) 
                    ALL RIGHT MAGGOTS, LISTEN UP!

                                BROCK
                            (under breath)
                    I hate gym.

                                SUBSTITUTE
                    MR. CHASE LONG GONE, SO THAT MEANS 
                    YOU'RE IN MY WORLD NOW! AND IT'S A 
                    WORLD OF PAIN! ARE YOU PREPARED FOR 
                    THAT, MAGGOTS?!

     Will and Casey are trembling in fear.

                                WILL
                    Casey, hold me.

                                SUBSTITUTE
                            (In a very different, 
                              higher voice)
                    PSYCHE! Ha-ha, I got you guys so good!

     The whole class is in shock.

                                SUBSTITUTE
                    My name is Rob Edison, but you 
                    can call me Mr. E. Mr. Chase is 
                    visiting family for a couple weeks. 
                    Now, do you want to know what I 
                    have planned for today, or should 
                    Mr. E keep it a...mystery?

     Everyone except Brock laughs at the horrible pun.

                                BRIAN
                    Ha ha, they sound the same and it's 
                    funny!

                                MR. E
                    There's plenty more where that came 
                    from!

                                BROCK
                    Oh my god I really hate gym...

								CUT TO:   

     INT. STUDY HALL - SAME

     Joel and CATHY MATTHEWS are sitting next to each other. 
     Both are quietly working. Joel looks over at Cathy and 
     notices she seems to be making a list of some sort.

     JOEL'S POV:
     He sees that the title of the list is "Music."

     He gasps. He seems very excited.

                                JOEL
                    Say, hon.

                                CATHY
                    Yeah?

                                JOEL
                    Whatcha' doing?

                                CATHY
                    Oh, I'm just trying to think of 
                    some music to play at this party. 
                    It's not very often that my third 
                    cousin graduates.

                                JOEL
                    What do you have so far?

     She hands him the list. As he reads the list, he seems 
     to be disappointed by every selection.

                                JOEL
                    "Five for Fighting?" "Jay-Z?"
                               (pause)
                     Who the hell is "Annie?"

                                CATHY
                    I know, I know. I don't have the 
                    best music taste ever but that's 
                    the best I could come up with.

                                JOEL
                    Hey! You know what? You should let 
                    me help you pick out some music.

                                CATHY
                    Really? You'd do that?

                                JOEL
                    No problem. It would be my pleasure.

                                CATHY
                    Well...how much do you know about 
                    music?

                                JOEL
                    Lots. I know all about bands like
                    "Men Without Hats", "Men With Hats", 
                    "Men who were kicked out of the 
                    band 'Men Without Hats' because 
                    they had hats."

     Pause. Cathy thinks about it.

                                CATHY
                    All right.

                                JOEL
                    Trust me, you won't regret this.

								CUT TO:

     INT. GYM - LITTLE LATER

     Will, Casey, Brian, and Brock are sitting on the floor, 
     near the corner. They are all sweating buckets, and 
     breathing heavily. Mr. E notices them and approaches.

                                MR. E
                    Hey, Gang. Wow, you guys looks 
                    exhausted. What have you been 
                    doing?
     
                                WILL
                    Coach Chase makes a list of ten 
                    things we have to do each week.

                                CASEY
                    They're impossible.

                                WILL
                    Right now we're attempting item 
                    number three. Run two laps, then 
                    jump rope for a minute. And we have 
                    to do it about sixteen laps.

                                MR. E
                    What lap are you guys on?

                                ALL
                    Five.

                                MR. E
                    You know, you guys look tired. Rest 
                    up a bit, cool down, get some water.

                                WILL
                    I don't know, Mr. E. We've really 
                    go to get that list finished.

                                MR. E
                    No problem.

     He opens up his grade book.

                                MR. E
                    Here I'll mark it down complete 
                    since you at least tried. And you 
                    know what, I'll mark the rest of 
                    the list complete. That way you'll 
                    have all of Friday free to mess 
                    around.

     He walks away.

                                WILL 
                    He is, without a doubt the greatest 
                    human being that eve lived.

                                BROCK
                            (under breath)
                    He's not that great.

								CUT TO:

     EXT. SCHOOL - AFTER SCHOOL

     School has just left out and there are dozens of 
     students departing from the school. Near the entrance we 
     see KAY JOHNSON and her female FRIEND standing, waiting.

                                FRIEND
                    Hey, Kay. Do you want a ride?

                                KAY
                    No, thanks. My boyfriend is coming 
                    to pick me up.

     Suddenly Casey pulls up on his scooter. It's loud as 
     hell. He is wearing a helmet reading "Helmets Are for 
     Pussies." He turns the bike off.

                                CASEY
                              (excited)
                    Oh man. You should have seen it, 
                    hon. I was coming down the road 
                    when suddenly this bug came out of 
                    nowhere and -

                                KAY
                           (overlapping)
                    What is this?

                                CASEY
                    It's a scooter honey.

                                KAY
                    You said you were going to pick me 
                    up in your new ride!

                                CASEY
                    And this is it.

     Pause. Kay seems greatly put off by this.

                                CASEY
                    Well, c'mon. I've got to take you 
                    home.

                                 KAY
                              (pausing)
                    Um, actually you know what? I just 
                    remembered that I have to stay 
                    after for science.

                                 CASEY
                    But you -

                                 KAY
                    I'm sorry, honey.
                             (kisses him on 
                              the cheek)
                    I'll call my dad to pick me up.

     She turns and walks back up to into the school. Casey 
     seems a bit disappointed by this. The car behind him 
     honks.

                                DRIVER
                    Hey, buddy! Let's move it!

                                CASEY
                    Sir, I'm trying to have an 
                    emotional moment.

     The driver rolls his eyes and Casey goes back to looking 
     disappointed.

								CUT TO:

     INT. HALLWAY - SAME

     Mr. Parker emerges from a door with a cup of coffee in 
     his hand. Parker turns a corner where Mr. E is standing 
     waiting to surprise someone.

                                MR. E
                    Hiya!

     Mr. Parker is startled and spills coffee all over his 
     shirt.

                                PARKER
                           (from the coffee)
                    Ahh FUCK!

     Parker quickly takes off his dress shirt and throws it 
     on the floor, leaving him in a white wife-beater. Mr. E 
     is laughing hysterically.

                                PARKER
                    What the hell is wrong with you?

                                MR. E 
                           (gradually stops 
                             laughing)
                    Oh, I'm sorry man that was just too 
                    good!

                                PARKER
                    You don't just hide around corners 
                    waiting to surprise people!

                                MR. E
                    Why not?

                                PARKER
                    Because they might have a hot cup 
                    of coffee and end up spilling all 
                    over themselves.

     Beat.

                                PARKER
                    Or on YOUR face.

                                MR. E
                    Hey man, chill out. You should 
                    switch to decaf or something.

     Parker starts to pick up his soggy shirt, Mr. E is 
     trying to stifle a laugh.

                                PARKER
                    What the hell is so funny?

                                MR. E
                    Don't you get it? Decaf!

     Parker gives him a look.

                                PARKER
                    What?

                                MR. E
                    Decaf! You know the coffee!

     Mr. E laughs.

                                MR. E (CONT'D)
                    I am the MASTER of puns!

     Parker gives him another look.

                                PARKER
                    Are you on crack? That wasn't a 
                    pun!

                                MR. E
                    Dude, just chill out.

     Parker gets right up into Mr. E's face.

                                PARKER
                    First of all Mr...

     Parker looks at Mr. E's name tag.

                                PARKER
                    Substitute Teacher. No one, and I 
                    mean NO ONE calls me dude. Second, 
                    I don't even know your NAME and I 
                    have a hatred for you that has no 
                    bounds. The only way that I can 
                    even begin to describe it is that 
                    it is my sincere hope that someday, 
                    by some strange twist of fate that 
                    you get deported!

     Parker walks off screen with his soggy shirt in hand and 
     a scowl on his face.

                                MR. E
                    See ya later dude!

     Mr. E ducks and Parker's coffee mug flies over his head 
     and shatters in a thousand pieces on the floor.

								CUT TO:

     INT. MUSIC STORE - AFTER SCHOOL

     Joel and Cathy are browsing around. Joel is furiously 
     flipping through one section. Suddenly he finds 
     something he likes.

                                JOEL
                    Here we go..."Pedro the Lion." Thee 
                    greatest batch of musicians that 
                    ever lived.

     Cathy sees an album.

                                CATHY
                    Oh, what about this?

     Joel seems utterly disgusted by this.

                                JOEL
                    No, no, no, no, no.

                                CATHY
                    What's wrong with this?

                                JOEL
                    Okay first off, how can you like a 
                    song called "hollerback girl?" I 
                    demand you name me one actual 
                    fucking person who knows what a 
                    "hollerback girl" is.

                                CATHY
                    I think it's a girl who doesn't 
                    talk smack.

                                JOEL
                    I stand corrected.

     Pause. They browse some more before stumbling upon 
     something.

                                JOEL
                    Oh, oh! Hello there.

     Joel picks up an album and hands it to Cathy.

                                CATHY
                             (off album)
                    What the hell is "Old Crow Medicine 
                    Show?"

                                JOEL
                    It's these guys whose music sounds 
                    like old timey bluegrass music.

                                CATHY
                              (put off)
                    Ugh!

                                JOEL
                    What was that ugh for?

                                CATHY
                    I'm not that into old timey 
                    bluegrass music...well, not as much 
                    as you are.

                                JOEL
                    C'mon, Cathy. Trust me.

     She seems conflicted.

                                CATHY
                    Okay. But you've got to let me pick 
                    one for myself.

                                JOEL
                    All right, fine.

     She searches.

                                CATHY
                    This will due.

     She picks the album and hands it to him.

                                JOEL
                             (laughing)
                    The Pussycat Dolls?

                                CATHY
                    Don't you even start with me.

                                JOEL
                    "Don't Cha?" How come you can't 
                    pick one CD with normal titles like 
                    "Sailing Away" or "In the Air 
                    Tonight?"

                                CATHY
                    You know what your are?

                                JOEL
                    What am I?

                                CATHY
                    You're a music snob.

                                JOEL
                    I am not!

                                CATHY
                    You are too. Ever since we got in 
                    here, you've got down all my 
                    suggestions.

                                JOEL
                    That's because their bad.

     Cathy looks hurt.

                                JOEL
                    Look, I'm sorry. It's just the way 
                    I was raised. 
                               (pause)
                    Now, put the shitty CD away and 
                    we'll leave.

                                CATHY
                    You know what? I'm going to get the 
                    Gwen Stefani and Pussycat Dolls CDs
                    ...and to get revenge I'm buying 
                    the best of Michael Bolton CD.

     Joel grabs his heart and pretends to be in pain.

                                JOEL
                    Cathy, you're breaking my heart!

     He continues to play around. She sighs and walks away.

								CUT TO:

     INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY

     The next day. Will, Casey, Brian, and Brock are changing 
     again. Mr. E walks in eating an ice cream cone.

                                WILL
                    Mr. E, are you sure that's healthy? 
                    I mean, you are a gym teacher and 
                    all.

                                MR. E
                    That's the point. I always hated 
                    gym, and that's why I love teaching 
                    it. All you have to do is stand 
                    there and tell kids what to do. I 
                    probably do the same amount of 
                    physical activity that an English 
                    teacher does, and I don't have to 
                    know hard stuff!

                                WILL
                    That's...utter genius!

                                MR. E
                    Yeah. In fact, you could say it's...
                    udder genius!

     Nobody gets it.

                                MR. E
                    You know, udder? Like cow udder?

     Still nothing.

                                MR. E
                    Like milk?

     Still nothing.

                                MR. E
                    Like dairy?

     Still nothing.

                                MR. E
                    Like ice cream? I'm eating it.

     The whole locker room erupts in laughter. Mr. E laughs 
     along with them.

                                MR. E
                    Plenty more where that came from!

     He walks out. The locker room is still laughing. Brock 
     is in shock.

                                BROCK
                    I...I don't believe how much I hate 
                    that man.

                                CASEY
                    Ah, good stuff, good stuff.

                                BRIAN
                    I love that guy.

                                BROCK
                    Has the whole world cone crazy? Am 
                    I in some movie where you all get 
                    replaced by aliens that love 
                    horrible puns?

                                WILL
                    Oh guess what, you guys?

                                CASEY
                    What?

                                BROCK
                    Again, nobody listens to Brock.

                                WILL
                           (ignoring Brock)
                    Ellen let me wrap my arms around her. 
                    And then we held hands!

                                BRIAN
                    Oh, Will. Good job, buddy.

                                CASEY
                    How nice.

                                WILL
                    Well, it wasn't anything big. I 
                    just -

                                BROCK
                    Can we please talk about Mr. E 
                    PLEASE?!

                                WILL
                    Okay Brock, let's talk.

                                CASEY
                    Hey, that rhymes!

                                WILL
                    Hey, it DOES! Maybe one day we'll 
                    be as funny as Mr. E!

                                CASEY
                    He has trained us well.

                                BRIAN
                    Best teacher I've ever had.

                                BROCK
                                (Sigh)
                    You know what? Never mind. Just...
                    never mind.

								CUT TO:                              

     INT. HALLWAY - ABOUT THE SAME

     Parker walks out of a door carrying a bundle of papers. 
     He begins to walk down the hallway when we hear voices. 
     We suddenly see TWO KIDS standing around a locker 
     messing with something.

                                KID 1
                    Shit dude someone's coming put it 
                    away!

     They slam a locker shut.

                                PARKER
                    I'm not deaf gentlemen.

                                KID 2 
                             (to Kid 1)
                    Way to go spaz!

     Parker walks up to the kids.

                                PARKER
                    Well, what do we have here? Nuddie 
                    mags?

                                KID 1
                    No.

                                PARKER
                    Cigarettes?

                                KID 2
                    Notta.

                                PARKER
                    Dope?

                                KID 1
                    Nope.

                                PARKER
                    Beer?

                                KID 2
                    Warmer.

                                PARKER
                    Why am I wasting my time?

     Parker pushes past both of them and opens up the 
     locker. There are at least six bottles of hard 
     liquor in the locker.

                                PARKER
                    Holy crap! Were you guys going to 
                    throw a party in study hall?

                                KID 1
                             (to Kid 2)
                    Oh man! Why didn't we think of 
                    that?!

                                PARKER
                    Ok, what's your excuse?

                                KID 2
                    Umm...

                                KID 1
                    We're holding it for a teacher!

                                KID 2
                             (to Kid 1)
                    Dude!

                                PARKER
                    Good one. Which teacher?

                                KID 1
                    We don't know his name.

                                PARKER
                    Yeah right.

                                KID 2
                    No seriously it was some sub, he 
                    said if we held it for him he'd 
                    give us a bottle. Honest!

     Parker's face lights up.

                                PARKER
                    A sub you say?

                                KID 1
                    He made us do it!

                                PARKER
                    What does he look like?

                                KID 2
                    He had a whistle around his neck 
                    and was making puns.

     Parker, excited, runs off.

                                KID 2
                    Oh, shit!

                                KID 1
                    What?

                                KID 2
                    That sub isn't the guy.

                                KID 1
                    Whadda ya' mean?

                                KID 2
                    It was that freaky History teacher 
                    that made us hold this shit for him. 
                    Remember, he was the guy who is 
                    missing his middle finger.

                                KID 1
                             (realizing)
                    Oh yeah! You're right!

     Kid 1 is puzzled.

                                KID 1
                    I wonder why we couldn't remember 
                    that.

     Kid 2 grabs a bottle of hard liquor.

                                KID 2
                    I guess this stuff really does 
                    scramble our brains.

                                KID 1
                    Wait a minute! Parker didn't take 
                    our liquor!

     Both smiles and start to take the liquor from the 
     locker.                   

                                                          CUT TO:

     INT. GYM - NEXT DAY

     Mr. E is talking with some girls. He has some French 
     fries. A fry falls onto his lap.

                                MR. E
                    Hey, it looks I've been assaulted.

     The girls all laugh. In the background we can see Casey, 
     Will, and  Brian are playing H-O-R-S-E. Brock is too 
     busy thinking to play.

                                WILL
                    I got to hug Ellen again. I think 
                    something's gonna happen.

                                BRIAN
                    Okay, so is she your girlfriend yet? 
                    Cause I'm confused.

                                WILL
                    No, not yet. But this might, you 
                    know...break the ice a bit.

                                BROCK
                    OK, how about this...he made me 
                    drink alcohol! He told me that he'd 
                    fail me cause I'm not a real man. 
                    Would the school board believe 
                    that?

                                BRIAN
                    Jesus Brock, are you still on about 
                    that?

                                BROCK
                    OK, how about he didn't make me 
                    drink alcohol, maybe he just had me 
                    hide his alcohol in my locker!

                                CASEY
                    Brock, he's just a substitute. He's 
                    not gonna be here long.

                                BROCK
                    Yeah, but we don't know how long. I 
                    once had a substitute in English 
                    that was there for three months!

                                WILL
                    Wait, I remember you talking about 
                    that. Didn't your teacher die?

                                BROCK
                    That's beside the point. The point 
                    is: Mr. E is Satan and must be 
                    vanquished.

                                BRIAN
                    Wait...we're playing horse, right?

                                CASEY
                    Trying to.

                                BRIAN
                    Well...what letter are we on? I've 
                    made like ten shots in a row. And 
                    you haven't even shot yet. 

     They pause for a moment.

                                WILL
                    How do you play horse, anyway?

                                BRIAN
                    I thought you guys knew.

                                CASEY
                    I think you need three balls for 
                    that.

     Another long pause.

                                BRIAN
                    I hate basketball.

     Mr. E comes jogging there with a big grin on his face.

                                BROCK
                    Oh God, here he comes with that 
                    stupid grin. How I hate him. How I 
                    hate the ground he walks on.

                                MR. E
                           (holding up a mitten) 
                    I'm a little peeved today, gang.

     The rest of the class gathers around.

                                CASEY
                    Why, Mr. E?

                                MR. E
                    Well, this mitten was supposed to 
                    keep my hands warm, so I tested it 
                    out in my freezer last night. And 
                    guess what?

                                CLASS
                           (All together)
                    What?

                                MR. E
                    You really wanna know?

                                CLASS
                             (All together)
                    YES!

                                CASEY
                    Don't keep is a mystery!

     The class erupts in laughter again.

                                MR. E
                    It didn't keep my hand warm! It was 
                    a BAD mitten. And by a stroke of 
                    luck, today we will be playing...

                                CLASS
                            (All together)
                    BADMINTON!

                                BROCK
                               (In awe) 
                    Oh...my...god.

                                MR. E
                    Ha-ha, nice, you got that one!

                                BROCK
                    I have to go to the bathroom. Right 
                    now.

                                CASEY
                    Come on Brock, lighten up.

                                BROCK
                    No, I really feel sick. Like 
                    physically ill.

                                WILL
                    Well ask him.

                                BROCK
                    I don't wanna talk to that man.

                                WILL
                    Ask him, Brock.

                                BROCK
                    Fine...HEY MR. E, CAN I GO TO THE 
                    BATHROOM?

                                MR. E
                    I dunno, can you?

                                BROCK
                               (Weakly)
                    Haha...I mean may I go to the 
                    bathroom?

                                MR. E
                    Yes you May. Or, should I say, yes 
                    you April, cause...

                                BROCK
                             (Disgusted)
                    Yeah...cause it's April.

                                MR. E
                    Haha, exactly.

                                BROCK
                    Thank you, Mr. E.

     He walks away, muttering to himself.

								CUT TO:

     INT. HALLWAY - LATER THAT DAY

     Joel and Cathy are walking home, talking about the music 
     selections.

                                JOEL
                    So, what did you end up picking out 
                    for your cousin's party?

     Cathy shows him a BILLY JOEL CD.

                                CATHY
                    Oh, some Billy Joel. I love his 
                    soothing...
                             (checks back 
                               of CD)
                    ...piano.

                                JOEL
                    You chose that because it was the 
                    first thing you saw, wasn't it?

                                CATHY
                    No...I, uh...love his songs. Which 
                    I don't want to name right now 
                    cause I know them too well.

     They exist the hall out into:

								CUT TO:

     EXT. SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

     Joel and Cathy emerge from the school. Casey is sitting 
     near the sidewalk, on his scooter looking very sad.                         

                                JOEL
                           (whispering 
                             to Cathy)
                    Do you want to ask or should I?

                                CATHY 
                              (to Joel)
                    I'll take this one. 
                              (to Casey) 
                    What's the matter, Casey?

                                CASEY
                               (sighs)
                    Oh, nothing. My girlfriend hates my 
                    scooter.

                                JOEL
                    You do look ridiculous on it.

     Cathy elbows Joel.

                                CATHY
                    I'm sure she doesn't hate it.

                                CASEY
                    She runs away every time I pick her 
                    up.

     Pause.

                                CATHY
                    I don't get it.

                                CASEY
                    Whadda' mean?

                                CATHY
                    Well, if she cares about you what's 
                    it matter if you pick her up in a 
                    scooter? That seems to be stupid 
                    thing to get be afraid of.

     Casey realizes she's right.

                                CASEY
                    ...Yeah. You're right.

     He starts up his scooter.

                                CASEY
                    Got to go.

     He rides off.

								CUT TO:

     INT. HALLWAY - DAY

     Mr. Parker is carefully looking over a stack of papers. 
     He's stopped by a small group of people gathered by one 
     of the rooms. Suddenly TWO POLICE officers emerge from 
     the room with a handcuffed MR. HARRY McDANIEL, the 
     history teacher.

                                PARKER
                              (confused)
                    Harry? What the hell is going on?

                                McDANIEL
                    Apparently it's a (finger quotes) 
                    bad thing (end quotes) to sleep 
                    with a fourteen year old student.

     McDaniel scoffs. The officers take him away.

                                STEVENS (O.S.)
                    All right! All right! Everyone back 
                    to class!

     There are a few groans but the crowd eventually 
     disburses. PRINCIPAL BOB STEVENS comes in from 
     off-screen. 

                                STEVENS 
                    He's been here for twenty four 
                    years and he throws his whole 
                    career down the tubes just for some 
                    freshmen girl. Never would have 
                    caught him if weren't for your 
                    little tip, John.

                                PARKER
                    Tip? But that was for Rob Edison.

                                STEVENS
                    Who?

                                PARKER
                    Mr. E, Bob!

                                STEVENS
                    What, him? Are you kidding? He's 
                    one of the best substitutes we've 
                    ever had. In fact when he finishes 
                    his stint in gym he's going to take 
                    over Harry's History class for the 
                    rest of the semester.

                                PARKER
                              (stunned)
                    Rest of the semester?

     Stevens pats him on the shoulder and departs.

     (BEGIN MUSIC MONTAGE: Foo Fighters - "Learn to Fly")

     Parker lets out a big sigh and slumps his shoulders.

								CUT TO:

     EXT. DIFFERENT SCHOOL - LATER

     Kay is standing around waiting. Casey pulls up again in 
     his scooter. As soon as she sees this, she heads toward 
     the school.     

                                CASEY
                    Kay, stop! 

     Kay stops and turns toward Casey.

                                CASEY
                    Do you love me?

                                KAY
                            (confused)
                    What?

                                CASEY
                    Do you love me?

                                KAY
                    Of course.

                                CASEY
                    Then I must ask you: what's it 
                    matter? What's it matter if I pick 
                    you up in a scooter? Or a car? Hell, 
                    it should matter even if I picked 
                    you up in the damn Millennium 
                    Falcon.

                                KAY
                    Although it would be pretty cool.

                                CASEY
                    I mean if we love each other...who 
                    gives a shit what anyone else 
                    thinks?

     Pause. She smiles.

                                KAY
                    Would I get a helmet?

     Casey reaches in and pulls out a helmet with her name on 
     it. A big smiles comes across her face, and she slowly 
     approaches Casey.

								FADE TO:

     INT. JOEL'S HOUSE - ROOM - SAME

     Joel and Cathy are sitting on the floor. Both are 
     wearing headphones, listening to music. Cathy seems to 
     enjoying herself while Joel seems frustrated.

                                JOEL
                    First, Hollerback girls now bananas? 
                    This is fucking stupid.

     He starts to take the headphones off.

                                CATHY
                    Keep them on. 

     He sighs and keeps them on.

								FADE TO:

     INT. AUDITORIUM - SAME

     Will is sitting down next to ELLEN CONNER. Holding her 
     hand. They two are laughing at something off camera. 
     When she's not looking, Will looks at her and then down 
     at her hand which he is holding.

                                WILL
                    This is really obvious

                                ELLEN
                    What?

                                WILL
                    Nothing.

								FADE TO:

     INT. SCHOOL - HALLWAY - SAME

     Mr. E walks into Mr. McDaniel's room carrying a box of 
     his stuff. Down at the end of the hallway, Parker 
     watches in disbelief.

								FADE TO:     

     EXT. ROAD - SUNSET

     Casey and Kay are barreling down the highway on the 
     scooter. Both are smiling, while Kay lovingly rests her 
     head on Casey's shoulders.

                                KAY
                    Oh Casey, I love you.

                                CASEY
                         (misunderstanding)
                    My pants aren't blue.

     She just shakes her head as they continue ride off into 
     the sunset.

     (SONG FADES AWAY)

                                                        FADE OUT.
                           
                            END OF EPISODE

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