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THE LUNCHROOM Episode Ten "Waiting for Kirsten" Written by Bruce Snyder & Rebecca Parker Created by Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Bruce Snyder EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Vincent Biga EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Edward Drogos STORY EDITOR Rebecca Parker CONSULTING PRODUCER Max Majernik CAST LIST Will Cooper................................. Joel Mayberry............................... Brian Vandele............................... Brock Warner................................ Reicther.................................... Casey Jennings.............................. Chris Hughes................................ Ellen Conner................................ Cathy Matthews.............................. Mr. John Parker............................. GUEST CAST LIST Ms. Diane Ballard........................... Arthur Winchester........................... David Zimmerman............................. Debbie Kaplan............................... Michelle Hicks.............................. Rachel Dillman.............................. Lee Harrison................................ Kirsten..................................... Dustin Simon................................ Copyright © Bruce Snyder TEASER FADE IN: (MUSIC MONTAGE: Damien Jurado's "Tragedy." Note the following sequence is one long continuous tracking shot.) EXT. AUDITORIUM - HALLWAY - EVENING The hallway is mostly empty. Two young girls, MICHELLE HICKS (small, petite, pretty, Sophomore) and RACHEL DILLMAN (overweight, glasses, Senior) turn the corner and are talking. Rachel begins to giggle at something Michelle says before they enter the Auditorium. CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS We follow Rachel and Michelle as they walk down the aisle, moving toward the stage. As they would by we notice MR. JOHN PARKER and MS. DIANE BALLARD sitting in the middle of the audience. They are going over a MUSIC SHEET. We go back to Rachel and Michelle. They continue to walk and talk until they get to another door and enter. CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Michelle and Rachel enter. Near the doorway, NICOLE EDWARDS is standing trying to take a picture. She's very small, brown hair, and a Freshman. She is trying to take a picture of LEE HARRISON and DUSTIN SIMON who can't keep still. Both men wear glasses while Lee is taller and bit bulky then the very thin Dustin. Michelle and Rachel enter the Female Dressing room, while we stay on these three. After a few seconds, Nicole finally is able to take a picture. Dustin then walks over to Nicole and whispers something in her ear. She giggles and playfully hits him in the shoulder. Lee goes over and enters the Men's dressing room. Pan left, to see ELLEN CONNER standing by an exist door. She is looking outside. We DOLLY in on her until we can see that she's watching ARTHUR WINCHESTER pacing back and forth. She seems to confused by this. ELLEN That's odd. As she continues to watch, JAMES KELLY and MARCUS TURNER come out of the men dressing room. James has lots of muscle, good looking and is wearing a letterman's jacket. Marcus is about medium build, with stringy blonde hair. As the two walk, Marcus seems to be describing something in great detail to James. James laugh right before they exist to... INT. AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS James and Marcus continue to talk as they head toward the stage. Before they get there, Ballard hands them a couple of sheets of paper and starts to explain them. Parker is standing right behind her and is looking around. He then starts to walk toward the entrance of the auditorium. When he gets there he opens the door, and pops his head out. INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS WILL COOPER is sitting on the floor, apparently singing to himself. Parker pops his head out. PARKER Will, I need you to pick up one of the new schedules. WILL Oh, okay. I'll be there in a sec. Parker leaves. Will continues to sing to himself, only to get frustrated. WILL God damn, fucking Kermit the Frog. He stands. WILL (CONT'D) Always fucking around with my mind. He enters the auditorium. SMASH CUT TO: OPENING CREDIT SEQUENCE: Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" plays over the credits. AFTER CREDITS: FADE IN: INT. AUDITORIUM - FRONT OF STAGE - MINUTES LATER Ellen is standing near the front of the stage, talking to Michelle. Will suddenly comes up behind her and quickly grabs her shoulder. She jumps a bit. ELLEN Jeez! WILL Do you know the words to "Rainbow Connection?" Michelle seems put off by this and leaves. ELLEN The Muppet song? WILL Bingo. Sung by one Kermit T. Frog. ELLEN What's the "T" stand for? WILL It stands for "There's a guy with his hand up my ass." She laughs. WILL So do you know it? ELLEN Of course I don't. And I'll tell you why. Because normal, everyday people like myself don't know odd stuff like that. WILL I can't believe you can stand there, call yourself normal and not crack a smile. ELLEN It's real easy with practice. Will sighs. ELLEN Actually now that I think about it, I do know the words. And the lyrics to "It's Not Easy Being Green" if your interested. WILL Please, go on. ELLEN Spending each day the color of the leaves. WILL (confused) Not that one! ELLEN (overlapping, singing) Sometime I think it could be nicer being red or yellow or purple or something much more colorful like that. WILL You're not going to sing me "Rainbow Connection" are you? ELLEN Ha ha. Suffer. Beat. ELLEN Why do you want to know so bad anyway? WILL My little cousin Linda was watching one of the Muppet movies and heard Kermit singing it. But I only heard a few verses and the rest of it's mystery. ELLEN You shouldn't let yourself get hung up on something this insignificant. WILL The Muppets? Insignificant? Blasphemy! ELLEN (sarcastic) This must be a part of that irresistible charm you have. WILL It works wonders on the women. ELLEN The blind ones or the deaf ones? WILL Surprising it's usually a combination of the two. Is it odd that the deaf ones really listen to me? Ellen playfully hits Will in the shoulder. Will looks around. WILL Maybe someone else will know. He takes off. Ellen takes a few steps forward before noticing, ARTHUR WINCHESTER pacing about near the backstage entrance. He's got thin bright orange, red hair. He wears a pair of glasses and is about medium build. He moves a lot when he talks. ELLEN You seem jumpier then usual, Arthur. ARTHUR Well, I'm kinda nervous. ELLEN Why? ARTHUR My girlfriend, Kirsten is visiting me tonight. ELLEN Really? ARTHUR Yeah. ELLEN That's great. ARTHUR Yeah, I know that's why I'm so nervous. ELLEN When do we get to meet her? ARTHUR Sometime tonight. She didn't specify. I'd love for you to meet her. ELLEN Yeah, okay. Sure. Just find me when comes and I'll say hi. ARTHUR You got it Ellen begins to walk away, and notices Arthur is pacing again. CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE - HALLWAY - SECONDS LATER Will is standing around in the middle of the hallway with Rachel, Lee, and Dustin all circled around him. WILL "Someday We'll find it, the rainbow connection..." Will signals that he wants them to sing the rest. RACHEL I'm still not sure what exactly your talking about. WILL Yeah, you and about everyone else in this school. (back to subject) C'mon, guys! No one knows the lyrics to "rainbow connection?" LEE Nope. RACHEL Sorry. DUSTIN What's a Muppet? Will gives him a look. WILL (to Dustin) Get out of my sight! The three begin to leave, each quieting whispering to each other. Will runs his hand through his hair. WILL (frustrated) Jesus. I'm letting myself be haunted by a fucking singing frog. Suddenly, Mr. Parker enters. PARKER Okay everyone, I would like to begin now. I want to see if we can't get this done before ten tonight. Will begins to head into the theater when he runs into Ellen. Almost immediately he speaks. WILL You know what a Muppet is, right? ELLEN I always thought it was what happened when a Mop got drunk and plowed a puppet. WILL Finally someone gets it. They leave the hallway. CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Will and Ellen enter. There are several STUDENTS running around getting ready to go on. Some are in costume. ELLEN (jumping up and down) Oh, oh! Guess what I found out? WILL That people who bounce up and down like that are annoying? ELLEN No. Arthur's girlfriend is coming to visit tonight. WILL Get out of here. Really? ELLEN Yep. WILL (curious) Huh. ELLEN What was that? WILL That was nothing. ELLEN No, no. It was one of those smug, pretentious - WILL (overlapping) It was nothing I - ELLEN (overlapping) Really? What was it then? WILL Well, in all honesty I though Arthur didn't particularly like girls. ELLEN You mean gay? WILL Yeah. ELLEN I guess it takes on to know one. WILL It's just one liner after another with, isn't it? ELLEN What can I say. You just leave yourself open. They turn a corner. WILL I wonder what she looks like. ELLEN Who? WILL Arthur's girlfriend. ELLEN Oh, well she probably looks like... the kind of person that would date a person like Arthur. WILL Whoa. I can't make jokes but you can? ELLEN Ground rules. WILL Which are? ELLEN I've known him longer. WILL That's stupid. ELLEN Thems the rules. Turn corner. ELLEN I honestly don't know what she looks like. We'll have to wait and see. WILL Wait and see? ELLEN (off groan) Patience is a virtue, my dear. WILL Oh, shove it up your ass. I'm curious. ELLEN You're like a little child. WILL I'm probably smarter then a child. ELLEN I'd say your about even. Will chuckles. WILL What can I say, I left myself open for that one. ELLEN Worse comes to worse she shows up at the end of rehearsals, meaning - WILL (overlapping) Three hours before she shows up. Jesus Tittyfucking... (trails off) I can't wait that long! ELLEN I'm sure you can occupy your mind with something. WILL Wouldn't count on it. I have a bad case of ADD. I don't even know wh - (off curtains) When did we get those back drops? ELLEN Porch! WILL What? Suddenly a giant Set Piece in the design on an old fashion porch is suddenly wheeled in front of Will. He gets nailed in the head by it. WILL Ow! God! Oh, the irony of that comical plot device! He catches up with Ellen. ELLEN Trust me, the time will just fly by. They stop. The lights begin to dim, as the rehearsal begins. FADE OUT TITLE CARD: "6:22 P.M." FADE IN: EXT. BACKSTAGE - LATER The lights are dim, and we can hear a musical number is going on. Most of the cast is on stage, with the exception of a few stragglers. One of those stragglers happen to be Ellen. She is looking around for Will. ELLEN Will? Will? WILL (O.S.) I'm up here. We pan up to see he has climbed up a stage ladder. He slides down. ELLEN Can't wait for Kirsten, can you? WILL Who the hell is Kirsten? ELLEN Arthur's girlfriend. Remember, she's one the one we're waiting for. WILL Oh, no. Actually I was checking out Marcus Turner. ELLEN Red states be damned! I didn't know you were gay. WILL First of all, I'm definitely not. Second of all, if I were gay, I could do much better then Marcus Turner. ELLEN No, you couldn't. WILL (sad) Yeah, I know. ELLEN So why are you "checking" him out again? WILL He's fighting. ELLEN (excited) Oh! With who? Ellen walks over, and Will points him out. WILL See that's his girlfriend Brittany something. They've been fighting since the lights dimmed. Apparently last Saturday he got drunk and ran into this chick named Stephanie. Then suddenly, the next thing he knows they're both naked doing the horizontal monster mash. ELLEN (confused) The horizontal monster mash? WILL See when a man loves a woman - ELLEN (overlapping) Nevermind. Will notices that while she's leaning over she has placed her hand on his shoulder. A big, idiotic grin comes across his face. ELLEN (turning to him) How long have they been at it? WILL (stuttering) Uh, about five or six minutes. ELLEN What a dumbass. WILL Who? Marcus? ELLEN No, Brittany. Why would she stay with a guy like Marcus? She knew what he was like before she started dating him...everyone does. WILL Wait, you don't feel sorry for her? ELLEN I know this is gonna make me sound like a bitch but...I don't. Will gives her a look. ELLEN Hey, don't give me that look of quiet judgment. You asked for my honest opinion about it. WILL I know, I know. ELLEN Do you think I'm a bitch? WILL No. Really uncaring and a bit insensitive to others feelings but not a bitch. ELLEN Listen to this, because I don't like repeating myself. Marcus cheats. He always cheats. Every single woman he's had a relationship he's cheated on. Brittany entered this relationship knowing this all. And when she entered there was a very good chance of him doing this again. So I'm sorry if I don't have that much sympathy for her. Beat. WILL Still...it kinda sucks for her. ELLEN When is cheating ever good. Will thinks. WILL Bingo. Gambling. Driver's test. ELLEN Shut up. She playfully hits him in the shoulder. FADE OUT TITLE CARD: "6:54 P.M." FADE IN: INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER Will and Ellen are sitting near against a wall. Will is bored while watching the actual play. Ellen is sitting, reading from a book. ELLEN (without looking up) Any sign of Kirsten? He looks around. WILL None that I can see. Beat. WILL You know after watching this play being rehearsed night and night, I've kinda put off by something. ELLEN Which is? WILL Did you ever notice that Higgins paying Eliza to live in his house and do his bidding is sort of like slavery...or prostitution. Long pause. Ellen gives him a look. ELLEN Wow, your ignorant. WILL Ignorant? Well thank God I'm not stupid. ELLEN Are you joking? WILL Depends. Are you serious? Beat. ELLEN Can I be frank for a minute? WILL You can be frank as long as I'm still Will. ELLEN Is this whole acting like an idiot an act? WILL I prefer the term "illusion." ELLEN So it's an illusion? WILL No. I just like the word "illusion" better then the word "act." Ellen sighs, while Will laughs. WILL Look, I just don't like taking things too seriously. So I use humor to get by. It's sorta like a defense mechanism. ELLEN Well, it makes me wonder. WILL Wonder what? ELLEN Why you hide your true self from people. WILL Maybe people don't want to see my true self. Look, why are we even talking about this? Back to important matters: slavery or prostitution? She sighs. She seems to be longing to know more, but begins to think. ELLEN Slavery perhaps, but not prostitution. Higgins wears his bowler hat on the other side of his head if you know what I mean. WILL I can't say that I do. ELLEN Higgins is a flamer. WILL There's not way in hell that any character played by Rex Harrison is gay. ELLEN He's a mo. WILL Rex Harrison is all that is manly in American cinema. ELLEN He's a fairy. WILL He scores with Audrey Hepburn for Christ's sake. ELLEN Gayer then Christmas. WILL He comes accustomed to "her" face. ELLEN Gayer than the Macy's day parade. WILL Would you stop that? ELLEN I just have one more. WILL Fine, go ahead. ELLEN Gayer than the men's locker room at the Ice Capades. WILL Finished? ELLEN Yes. WILL Now explain to me how in the hell you justify your estimation that Rex Harrison would ever play a tweedy, nancy boy. ELLEN Alright, think of it this way: Henry Higgins is a "confirmed old bachelor" who lives alone with another "confirmed old bachelor" and a young, beautiful flower girl who he exhibits no sexual interest towards whatsoever. He does, however, enjoy dressing her up in beautiful Vivienne Westwood gowns and taking her to parties. WILL Uh-huh. ELLEN Still think that Higgins is straight? Long pause. WILL I hate you. She giggles. WILL Go ahead, laugh it up. I don't fucking care. ELLEN Oh, but you do and that's what makes it so funny. FADE OUT TITLE CARD: "7:35 P.M." FADE IN: INT. BACKSTAGE - HALLWAY - LATER Will and Ellen have moved to the hallway where the dressing rooms are located. They are sitting in chairs, playing the card game Uno. WILL Damn it all to hell! ELLEN Ha! Looks like your losing, Will WILL Huh? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your own arrogance. She laughs. Suddenly DEBBIE KAPLAN, a gorgeous brunette, comes in. She is followed by DAVID ZIMMERMAN, a lanky yet handsome nerd, with large rimmed glasses is following her. DAVID Debbie! Will you wait a minute! DEBBIE Ellen, Marcus told me to ask you about David and towel story? Ellen burst out laughing. Will is confused. WILL What the hell is the towel story? DEBBIE Yeah, was it is? DAVID No! Don't tell them! DEBBIE She hasn't told us yet. ELLEN But I plan on it. DAVID God, NO! WILL What's the towel story? DAVID It's nothing! ELLEN Oh, it's something all right. DAVID Shut up, Ellen! DEBBIE I'd like to hear it. DAVID I don't think you want to hear it. ELLEN I think she does. WILL I know I do. DAVID Trust me, guys. It's nothing really. ELLEN Oh fine. I won't tell them. DAVID Swear that you won't. ELLEN I solemnly swear to tell no truth and nothing like the truth. Debbie seems very upset by this and begins to leave. DEBBIE I don't understand why you can't tell me. David chases after her. DAVID Because it's nothing at all! They both leave. Ellen is laughing her ass off while Will is confused. WILL I wanna know what the hell the towel story is. ELLEN No, I can't. WILL (overlapping) Oh come on! ELLEN (overlapping) I just promised David I wouldn't. WILL Yeah, but since when do promises mean anything to you? ELLEN I can't. WILL If I may quote the great William Shakespeare: "I like you, but sometimes you can be real cunt." ELLEN Did he really say that? WILL I'm paraphrasing, but that's the jest of it. Parker enters the hallway. PARKER Ah there you, Cooper. See silly me, I thought you'd be on stage doing your part right about now. WILL Oh shit! Will jumps up and runs out. Parker follows. Ellen takes the time to look at Will's cards. She gives an evil laugh before she starts to switch them. FADE OUT TITLE CARD: "8:40 P.M." FADE IN: INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER Will and Ellen are standing by the curtain. Ellen is resting her head on Will's shoulder. ELLEN I'm bored, entertain me. WILL I can't juggle. ELLEN Tell me a joke. Will thinks. WILL Let me think. While they stand, David and Debbie pass by. We follow them as they walk and talk. DEBBIE David, I've been your friend for such a long time. I think I deserve to know this towel story. DAVID I don't know. It's really embarrassing. DEBBIE Dave, you can trust me. I won't judge you. You can tell me. David thinks long and hard about this. DAVID Okay, fine. He begins to whisper something in her ear just, as a very nervous Arthur passes by. ARTHUR She's just late that's all. It's nothing to get worried about. I just need to calm down, I need to relax. (singing) I wanna be an air force ranger, I wanna be an air force ranger." He seems a bit more relaxed and moves on. Suddenly Debbie gasps and begins to run away. DEBBIE That's absolutely disgusting! DAVID Wait, a minute you said you wouldn't judge. DEBBIE Well, Jesus David! That was before I found what you did! My God! She runs off, with David hot on her trail. As they walk away they pass Will and Ellen. We stay on them. Will is still thinking of a joke. WILL Okay. I've got one. A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a salami under the other arm. The blonde sets the poodle down on the bar and takes a seat. The bartender says "I guess you won't be needing a drink -" Suddenly the prop Porch is wheeled in and knocks Will down. Parker and a few of the cast members have rolled it in. PARKER Look alive, Cooper! Will falls to the ground. Ellen is laughing. ELLEN (laughing) Are you okay? WILL Oh you think this is funny? Will grabs her hand and drags her down with him. The both end up on the ground, laughing. FADE OUT FADE IN: INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER TITLE CARD: "9:04 P.M." Will and Ellen are sitting on the stage, bored out of there minds. The rest of place is empty as everyone has gone home. WILL I can't believe we stayed for the entire practice. ELLEN My scene was over an hour ago. Parker and Ballard enter from backstage. BALLARD I think we've finally got the rhythm down. PARKER I think we can almost get this show done. (off Will & Ellen) You guys still here? WILL We're waiting for someone. Parker shrugs, and he continues to talk and walk with Ballard. They exist. WILL What time is it? ELLEN I don't know, let me... She goes to check her watch but a girl enters the auditorium. KIRSTEN You ready to go? ARTHUR Sure thing. They exist. WILL I waited three hours for that? ELLEN You were expecting a docu-drama? WILL No, I just...that wasn't worth three hours. ELLEN It couldn't have been all bad, could it? Will looks at Ellen. WILL No, it wasn't all bad. A beat. WILL But still, three hours. Ellen looks thoughtful, puts hand on Will's shoulder. ELLEN (singing) Why are there so many songs about rainbows And what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, And rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it I know they're wrong, wait and see. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, The lovers, the dreamers and me. Beat. Big smiles on both. ELLEN Feel better? WILL Much. We stay on them for a few seconds before we slowly... FADE OUT. END OF EPISODE 24
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