THE HONTUBBY WEEDWHACKER INCIDENT 3: Hairy's Final Whack

BY

KYLE VANDAGRIFF

"Chainsaws are for sissies!"

FADE INTO TEXT:

NARRATOR (V.O)

For the past year Kyle Vandagriff and Christa Lockheart have been living their lives semi-happily. Christa ended up breaking up with Kyle to win over her parents approval so she can get a new car and ditched Kyle for Flash Jackson star football player . Scotty went on to the Army where he signed on as a typwritist and was sent to Iraq. on November 15, 2004,  Detective Pepto Bismol and a team of highly trained S.W.A.T are sent to Hontubby to investigate, unbeknownst that they are about to see the mad and macabre that Hontubby has to offer. Kyle must save the day one more time. He must save them from.....THE HONTUBBY WEEDWHACKER INCIDENT.......

uh...

3.

TEXT FADES OUT.

FADE INTO TEXT:

	"Hontubby n. choctaw : Wait and Kill"

TEXT FADES OUT:

FADE INTO:

A DIRTY PAIR OF BOOT Lands on a nail facing upwards. An "OWWWWW" is heard. A MAN's ARMS grabs his foot in pain and pulls out the nail. 

CUT TO:

A DIRTY WORK TABLE with an dimmed red light. CREEPY choir music plays in the background. A WEEDWHACKER appears on the WORK TABLE. THE MAN'S HANDS pull off the STRING DISPENSER on the weedwhacker and throws out the entire row of PLASTIC WEEDEATER STRING. 

CUT TO:

The MAN's arm Grabs a winded up roll of  BAILING Wire hanging on a shelve above. He sticks it in the STRING DISPENSER and hooks it back on the Weedwhacker. THE MAN'S hand fills the Weedwhacker with Gasoline. 

Th man's ARMS pull the string to start it up. The weedeater comes to life with it's sharp bailing wire spinning around. THE WEEDWHACKER is pointed at the CAMERA as a "WHOOOOOOO" Is heard in the background and the WEEDWHACKER GOES STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA.

FADE OUT.

TITLE CARD:

THE HONTUBBY WEEDWHACKER INCIDENT 3: Hairy's Final Whack

.

TRANSITION TO:

	A rainy night. Lightning rips the sky with a flash. With the flash of the lightning a sign is visible saying "POTEAU POLICE DEPARTMENT" With text under it saying "Now with a built in Dunkin' Donuts!".

CUT TO:

INT. POTEAU POLICE DEPARTMENT. HALLWAYS. Cells are on both sides. There are two doors on the very far end.  Both doors go swinging open as some kind of rap song begins playing.

	ZOOM IN ON...

		SERGEANT BISMOL. He has a cigar hanging out of his mouth. He stops and takes a bite off his cigar and begins CHEWING IT. BISMOL begins walking down the hallway. BISMOL'S ASSISTANT  Mr. Tums. is behind him holding a clipboard. He wears glasses and nerdy looking clothes.

MR. TUMS

But Bismol, are you sure it's a bright move to do this? I mean, the two decapitated officer we found were...

BISMOL:
Quit worrying Tums, those two died when those cannibals were LEAVING Hontubby. It's not like anyone can come back from the dead?

MR. TUMS:

What about the one cannibal that was never found?

BISMOL:

He's dead too. we just haven't found the body

MR. TUMS:

How do you know?

BISMOL:

I don't know! I'm the inconsiderate egotistical detective who thinks he's always right and everyone else is wrong! 

MR. TUMS

Oh...I thought you were the hard-cased Detective who thinks he's smart but he's actually stupid?

BISMOL:

Are you making fun of my name?

MR. TUMS

w.....why would i make fun of your name? Just because your named after a stomach relieving...

BISMOL:

Oh...see!? There you go again! Making fun of my name! "Hahaha! his name is pepto bismol! he's named after  stomach reliever! " Well you know what I can make fun of your name as well

MR. TUMS:

I...i'm sorry sir....i...i'll go beat myself up with a bat now..

BISMOL:

Good....

-Mr. Tums runs out of the prison room.-

- BISMOL continues walking past the inmates they yell different things at him. BISMOL is walking towards a solid chrome door. A guard sits beside it on a stool reading a magazine.

GUARD:

What's the password, Sergeant?

BISMOL:

What is this, a clubhouse? Why do you need to know my password if you already know who I am?

GUARD:

Because it's my job. Now what's the password?

BISMOL:

Jesus Christ, you're an idiot!

GUARD:

Enter in!

- The door magically swings open-

BISMOL:

Man I love technology these days.

INT. HOLDING CHAMBER- the room is dark except for one single hanging flourescent light above a BULLET PROOF GLASS CELL in the middle of the room. Inside the cell is a man everyone has come to know....JOHN CULPEPPER. John looks a little crazier then he did before...mostly because he's in a inmate uniform. Ironically, his inmate number is "666". John stares at DETECTIVE BISMOLas he walks across the room to a seat where a Walkie Talkie is. DETECTIVE BISMOL coaxes John to sit down. Detective Bismol picks up the walkie talkie.

BISMOL:

Hello, Culpepper, over.

-JOHN Smiles and picks up the walkie talkie... he begins talking but nothing can be heard. Bismol picks his walkie talkie up.-

BISMOL:

Push the talk button, John, over.

- John stares at his walkie talkie then puts two and two together. John pushes the talk button and talks.-

JOHN:
I've been expecting you bismol. I have a bad case of diarrhea right now...thank god you showed up! HAHAHAHAH! over.

- Bismol smiles.-

BISMOL:

You've been a very good boy lately you know John

-John waits for him to say over.-

BISMOL: 

Oh! over.

JOHN:

Well thank ya' capn' Bismol. I try really hard to be good. Can I leave now? over.

BISMOL:

John, you have over 6 homicide cases to your name....you won't be getting out until your stiff and cold. I just come to tell you something that I thought you would like to know......over?

JOHN:

And what's that?

- BISMOL waits for John to say over. John drops the CB-

JOHN:

You know what? Why dont we just talk like this? the glass isn't soundproof.

BISMOL:

But I couldn't hear you a minute ago....

JOHN:

That's because I was pullin yer' leg you idiot!

BISMOL:

Oh....well you know what?

JOHN:

What?

BISMOL:

I just thought that you would like to know that me and the PPD SWAT team will be raiding your precious imbred town of Hontubby today at 8:00. You know, we could find the evidence that puts you out for good John. you are the prime suspect in over 30 unsolved missing persons case so....you better hope that you left your house nice and tidy because all I need....is one human bone....one human tooth....one human wang....ANY shred of evidence whatsoever and i'll be watching you fry on the old Sparkplug. Have you ever seen The Green Mile?

JOHN:

Yes..

BISMOL:

Well remember when that one guy forgot to wet the sponge and that poor man in the electric chair literally fried from the inside and out?

JOHN:

Yeah. he looked kinda overdone for my likin'...

BISMOL:

Well that is what is going to happen to you...

JOHN:

I thought electric chairs were illegal?

BISMOL:

No....other prisons are just really nice to their criminals. putting them peacefully to sleep. but here in the PPD......sparks fly....

- Bismol grins.-

JOHN:

Well...you know what? go on. go on ahead and investigate. Alls' I gotsta say is.....you'll be sorry you ever entered that town....

BISMOL:

..and why is that?

JOHN

-smirking-

You'll see....you'll see...
- John looks at the clock on the wall.-

JOHN:

Well! it's time for me to knock myself unconscious in an act of depression towards myself! Have fun!

-John back up all the way to the other end and runs straight into the wall all while letting out a war cry.. John is knocked out cold. Bismol takes another chunk off of his cigar-

BISMOL:

Today....is going to be a good day....

- Bismol smirks and swallows his piece of cigar..-

FADE OUT TO:

	HEAVENER SCHOOL- EXT. DAY The sun is gleaming down brightly on the purple odd-shaped High School.

CUT TO:

	MR. JOJO'S CLASS- INT- DAY. Students sit in their desk bored out of their minds as the teacher continues rambling on about something. One student in the back looks strangely familiar. It's KYLE VANDAGRIFF, hero of the entire series. Kyle is asleep. He looks about the same only just slightly more beefed up.

MR. JOJO (O.S)

.......So then Columbus faced off against the evil martians  led by Greg Brady only to be turned into a giant kangaroo by Greg's mutation gun.   What do you think is going to happen to him now, Kyle?

- Kyle jerks up awake-

KYLE:

Yeah..let's get back together Christa...

- Kyle looks around confused. Mr. Jojo stands at his podium  staring at Kyle...-

MR. JOJO:

Christa huh? Don't you mean..CHRISTA...pher columbus?

KYLE:

Yes...exactly! that's what I was trying to say. Christopher columbus. What a great man he was. He's the guy that caused Guns' n' roses to break up right?

MR. JOJO:

What..in the world...are you talking about?

KYLE:
-sigh-

I'm sorry Mr. Jojo...i was sleeping.

MR. JOJO:

SLEEPING!? Why!? I'm trying to teach an important lesson and all you can do is sleep!? DAMN YOU! now listen to me as I finish the story of Columbus....

-Mr. jojo goes back to talking. Kyle makes a face at Mr. jojo. a skinny boy with curly brown hair leans over to Kyle. THIS IS JAKE.

JAKE:

Having dreams again?

KYLE:

Yeah. I just can't get her out my head.

JAKE:

C'mon dude! you've been broke up for 5 months now! Don't you think she's starting to feel like you're stalking her?

KYLE:

Hey! Idon't stalk anyone or anybody! 

JAKE:

Well....is it just me or is it you who goes to her house and play sad love songs by her window every Sunday night? Also, wasn't it you who disguised yourself as Richard Nixon to get inside her birthday party and you ended up getting into a fight with Augusto the french foreign exchange bodybuilder who nearly ripped your head off?

KYLE:

Well...that's not stalking!

JAKE:

uh....yeah it is... get over her man....go out with someone like....Melinda!

- Jake points to Melinda, an overall alright girl. Camera pans down to her big toe which is has a wart the size of Texas on it. Kyle shivers at the toe.-

KYLE:

No! i'm not going out with Warty Mcfoot!

JAKE: 

Well how about Rhonda?

- Jake points to Rhonda. She's pretty until she stretches out revealing ARMPIT HAIR.-

KYLE:

HOLY JESUS NO! I'm not going out with Wookie Rhonda!

JAKE:

Geez! You're shallow!

KYLE:

I'm not shallow....I just...it's just that. Christa was everything I wanted in a girl. No warts...no hairy armpits, not too skinny....not too fat, not too blonde...not too brunette.  There's no other girl like her...

JAKE:

Well...she is hot....but....she's just not right for you! I mean...she dumped you for a car!

KYLE:

People make mistakes and I forgive her for it...

JAKE:

Fine...FINE! Believe what you want. You have any plans for tonight?

KYLE:

Let's see...tonight's a Friday night so i'm probably going to...

- Kyle pulls out a weekly planner. On Friday it says : " wallow in self despair." other dates say things like "listen to angry music",  and "kill innocent animals."-

KYLE:

ah! well looky there! Tonight i'll be wallowing in my self despair! 

JAKE:

Well...you can do that any night. Why don't you come with me to kick some old guys in the Nuts! It's going to be fun! 

KYLE:

Nah....I'd rather wallow then kick old guys in the nuts...

JAKE:

C'mon Kyle! You've been a wreck for 5 months! The last time we went and done anything was two months ago when we went to see Spider-man 2 and you ended up getting us kicked out because you started crying at the beginning of the movie!

KYLE:

Well...that theme song reminded me of...

JAKE:

Christa!?

KYLE:

How did you know?

JAKE:

Well either that or it reminded you of..

- Jake shuts his mouth quickly.-

KYLE:

Of what? Reminded me of what?

JAKE:

Nothing....nothing at all...

MR. JOJO (OS)

KYLE! in what year did Christopher Columbus make friends with the Ewoks in an attempt to avoid nuclear destruction!?

KYLE:

1913, sir!

MR. JOJO:

WRONG! 2025!

KYLE:

That hasn't even happened yet! it's just 2004...

MR. JOJO

Are you saying what I am teaching is false?

KYLE:

MAYBE I AM!

- MR. Jojo is getting ticked off.-

MR.JOJO:

Kyle Vandagriff. If you want to teach this class....then you have to go through me.

- Mr. Jojo gets into a defensive position.-

MR. JOJO:

C'mon Kyle.....let's boogie..

- Kyle is confused. Kyle stands up out of his seat and walks to the front and gets in a defensive position as well. Mr. JoJo and Kyle begin circling eachother.-

Mr. JoJo:

I'm the mongoose.....and you're the snake...

KYLE:

Sorry, I don't like roleplaying...

MR. JOJO:

Shut up! I'm trying to scare you! You know what happens to the snake?

KYLE:

Uh......it dies?

MR. JOJO

Exactly! I'm as fast as a male beagle when a female beagle is in heat...and I have eyes....like a hawk....

- mr. JoJo starts flapping his arms around. Kyle looks at him strange.-

KYLE:

Well....I am the.....WHAT IS THAT!?

- Kyle points to the sky. JOJO looks. Kyle kicks JOJO in his stomach. Kyle' foot gets caught in the fat of Mr. JOJO's stomach.

MR. JOJO:

HAHA! My stomach is like quick sand!

- KYle  enziguiri kicks JOJO in the face. KYLE's leg is released.  KYLE and Mr. JOJO start SENSELESSLY KARATE FIGHTING. Kyle chops JOJO in the neck 3 times and backflip kicks JOJO in the face. JOJO staggers a few steps back.-

JOJO:

well....you've been taught well...who's your teacher?

KYLE:

Bruce Lee,  Jackie Chan ......and Walker Texas Ranger...

- Kyle palms JoJo in the chest, Taking him down. JoJo kickflips back up and rips his SHIRT off while yelling angrily. Mr. JOJO's stomach vibrates and wiggles furiously.-

JOJO:

That's it...no more kiddy games!

- JOJO does a cartwheel and starts kick kicking with lightning fast speed.  Kyle jumps over a leg sweep and knees JOJO in the face and flips over him. Kyle runs to his desk and grabs a pen and darts it at JOJO. The pen hits JOJO in the stomach and....gets absorbed. JOJO smirks. JOJO grabs a history book off of a shelf..

JOJO:

You're history!

-JOJO tosses the book at KYLE.-

KYLE:

That was really corny..OOF!

- The book hits Kyle in the face. Kyle falls back on JoJo's desk.-

JOJO:

Now....IT'S AVALANCHE TIME.......... FOOL!

- SLOW MOTION: JOJO runs towards kyle, his stomach swaying left and right and his boobs flapping all over the place. KYLE wakes up and see's JOJO running toward him. Kyle screams. JOJO jumps into the air. KYLE moves out of the way just before JoJo lands on the desk. JoJo 's stomach ricochets off of the desk sending JoJo flying into the opposite walls. A bookshelf topples on top of JOJO. Kyle stands up victorious. Jake stands up clapping. The rest of the class looks at Kyle like he's a weirdo.-

JAKE:

WAHOO KYLE! You can do it!!!!

- THE Classroom door opens. A tall man in a cowboy hat walks in. IT'S PRINCIPAL SCHNEEBLEHEIMER.-

SCHNEEBLEHEIMER:

Mr. JOJO, you're chloroform came in the mail today...WHAT THE JESUS!?

- Scneeblehimer looks at the mess. Schneebleheimer see's kyle standing up in front of the class an Mr. JoJo under a bookshelf.-

JAKE:

HOLY PRINCIPAL! 

-Jake sits down quickly-

KYLE:

Now I can explain this. Mr. JoJo was giving us a visual representation of the Titanic and...

SCHNEEBLEHEIMER:

SECURITY!

- Two big guys in black suits walk in the room-

KYLE:

Hi...

- The security guards shock kyle with a TAZER-

KYLE:

OH SNAP......

- Kyle falls to the ground convulsing. The two security guards drag him out.-

CUT TO:

PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE- INT-DAY. 

Kyle slowly wakes up. Principal Schneebleheimer is staring at him.

PRINCIPAL SCHNEEBLEHEIMER:

Good morning sunshine.

KYLE:

Mommy?

PRINCIPAL SCHNEEBLEHEIMER:

No....this is Principal Schneeblehimer speaking...

KYLE:

Aw...crap.

PRINCIPAL:

Exactly. Now Kyle...I want to talk to you about this little "incident" you pulled today.

KYLE:

Hey...first of all..it wasn't my fault...

PRINCIPAL:

Then who's fault was it?

KYLE:

MR. JoJo's fault

PRINCIPAL:

How is it his fault?

KYLE:

He told me that he wanted to boogey and...of course I thought he meant that he wanted to dance so I was all like okay and I tried to do some salsa with him and it got kinda rough...

PRINCIPAL:

Don't get smart with me Kyle, i'm not an idiot. You beat him up because you are mad at the world didn't you!? You beat him up because you're a punk!

KYLE:

Why does everyone think i'm a punk? I don't have shaggy hair, I don't do punk things...... I LISTEN TO CLASSIC ROCK FOR GOD'S SAKE! I told Mr. JoJo he wasn't teaching a class right so he took off his shirt and wanted to fight.

PRINCIPAL:

... and do you listen to everything  Mr. JOJO says?

KYLE:

Actually I don't listen to anything he says. I only pass the class because I can put anything on the tests and pass because my handwriting is so sloppy....

PRINCIPAL:

You cheat!? YOU ARE A PUNK!

KYLE:

Hey! Everyone cheats in that class...

PRINCIPAL:

I don't care! Cheating is bad! 

KYLE:

So what's my punishment? 

PRINCIPAL:

YOU'RE SUSPENDED!

KYLE:

aw, that sucks...

PRINCIPAL:

Now get out of my office so I can get back to my game of Horseshoes.

-Principal Schneebleheimer grabs a a horseshoe and tosses it at a stake in the corner. The horseshoe hits a bookcase beside it, ricochets off of it and hits Mr. Schneebleheimer right in the face knocking him out of his chair.-

KYLE:

okay? bye?

PRINCIPAL:
- holding his nose-
OUT!

- Kyle stands up and walks out-

CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY- DAY.

	 Kyle walks down the hallway when the schoolbell rings. Everyone files into the hallway. Kyle continues walking. Out of one of the classes someone catches Kyle's eyes. IT'S CHRISTA! she looks as beautiful as ever. A love song plays as she walks out of the class room in slow motion and begins walking by. Kyle looks at her with loving eyes. Christa looks to him. She kinda smirks. The love song suddenly turns to a rap song as FLASH JACKSON, buffed up jock, black hair puts his arm around her. Kyle's facial expression changes to hate. Flash looks at Kyle and winks at him as he walks by with Christa.

FLASH:

What's goin' on little boy?

- KYLE lunges at him but JAKE holds him back.-

JAKE:

NO NO NO NO MAN! It's not worth it! She wouldn’t like it if you show any sign of jealousy. Just keep cool and walk on.

KYLE:

Flash is not right for her man! It's like Robert Deniro marrying both of the Olsen twins! It just isn't right!

JAKE:

Yeah I know. But you gotta get a hold of yourself! 

KYLE:

What are you talking about?

JAKE:

Oh....i just always wanted to say you gotta get a hold of yourself.

CUT TO:

-EXT. HEAVENER SCHOOL. DAY. 

	-Students scramble to their cars or talk in their little groups.  Some kid gets ran over by a school bus and a gang war breaks out in the very back.Kyle and Jake walk out of the school calmly.-

JAKE:

You sure you don't wanna go with me? We can even throw ice cubes at old ladies!

-FLASHBACK: Bob and Lance throw ice cubes at old ladies in slow motion. A big chunk of ice hits an old lady in the forehead knocking her out cold. Lance and Bob high five eachother laughing-

KYLE:

NO!

JAKE:

C'mon Kyle it's not like we're going to Hontubby...

- Kyle grabs Jake by the collar picking him off of his feet.-

KYLE:

Don't you ever....EVER....say that name in front of me!

-Kyle throws Jake down..Jake gets back up and continues following Kyle-

JAKE:

Well...you killed them didnt you?

KYLE:

Of course.....but....you just never know...I mean...i...

- Kyle stops when the sound of a helicopter chopper is heard. Kyle looks up and sees a helicopter descending downwards towards the school. Kyle puts on his sunglasses..-

KYLE:

Is that...?

- KYLE'S POV. On the side of the dull green helicopter it says " Property of the U.S  ARMY. " Somebody is waving at Kyle from the pilot position. IT'S SCOTTY!-

KYLE:

Scotty!?

- The helicopter begins making the wind blow. The helicopter begins making it's landing.....landing right on top of a Coupe Deville. The helicopter chopper slowly stops turning and Scotty jumps out of the pilot seat. Scotty is wearing a camoflauged army uniform.-

SCOTTY:

KYLE! IT'S ME!

KYLE:

Hey Scotty!

- Scotty stands up straight and sloppily slautes Kyle.-

SCOTTY:
Private Scotty Scotterson of the United Army reporting for duty SIR!

KYLE:

Wow,Scotty....you've....changed! kind of.

SCOTTY:

Yeah...I know. That army got me back on the right track. They taught me how to shoot a gun  and now...i'm a typewritist!

KYLE:

Well good for you...oh by the way this is my friend Jake...Jake...this is Scotty.

- Jake and Scotty shake hands.-

Scotty: 

You just shook hands with an american hero

JAKE:
- confused-

That's....great. I always wanted to shake hands with a army typewritist.

SCOTTY:

Yeah...didn't it feel good?

JAKE:

actually...it felt kind of sweaty....

SCOTTY:
-Scotty chuckles- 

you're a funny unit....

- Jake is again confused-

KYLE:

uh...Jake....Scotty is the one that helped me during that...incident in the hospital...

SCOTTY:

yeah... broke 95 of my bones but it was worth it! But, I can do some cool stuff with my body now...watch this!

- Scotty bends his right index finger back making the top of his finger touch the bottom of it....making kind of a sick looking circle with his finger.-

JAKE:

DUDE! That...is...AWESOME!

SCOTTY:

Yeah I know. I can also hike my leg up and lick my...

KYLE:

Scotty! no....

SCOTTY:

Oh sorry..

- Two hot girls walk by Scotty turns to them quickly and extends his hand.-

SCOTTY:

HEY! Private Scotty Scotterson reporting. I'm an American hero! Wanna hook up!?

- The two girls back away from Scotty and give him a "the heck?" look.-

SCOTTY:

See!? I got authority! they backed up from me because i'm so masculine in my army suit!

KYLE:

Whatever you want to believe. So....what brings you to Heavener?

SCOTTY:

Oh...uh....i'm kind of....suspended...

- Scotty lowers his head in shame-

KYLE:

Really? What did you do?

SCOTTY:

I accidentally hit an old arabian lady with my typewriter. I thought she was a terrorist trying to shoot me so I tossed my only weapon. Ended up she didn't even have a gun....just a walking stick....and now she's in a coma.

KYLE:

Well that sucks. What brings you...here? To this spot?

SCOTTY:

Well....you're the person that made me change my life! Without you I would probably be dead, because I wouldve accidentally conned a mafia leader into buying cheap paint for 500 dollars.

-Slight pause. Kyle and Jake stand and look ahead as if they are waiting on something-

SCOTTY:

What are you waiting for?

KYLE:

The bus...

SCOTTY:

You ride the bus!? HAHAHAHAHA! I can't believe this! Tough guy kyle has to ride on a bus! HAHAHAHA!

- KYLE punches scotty in the face. Scotty holds his nose.-

SCOTTY:

MMPH! Yeah...shouldn't of said that. Anyways where is your car?

KYLE:

My van....is still in Hontubby broke down on the side of the road...just like it's been for the past year.

SCOTTY:

Are you too scared to get it or what?

KYLE:

you wanna know the truth scotty? huh? The truth is... YEAH! YEAH I'M SCARED TO GO GET MY FRIGGIN VAN OUT OF A FRIGGIN DITCH BECAUSE MY FRIGGIN VAN IS IN A FRIGGIN DITCH NEAR A FRIGGIN TOWN RAN BY NO GOOD FLESH EATING DUMB MONKEY BRAINED HORSE FACED, ANUS RIPPING, STINKING, ROTTING, SENSELESS, RETARDED, LOW LIFED HEARTLESS SOULLESS BRAINLESS COW HUMPING YIPPI KI FRIGGIN YAY HAPPY FRIGGIN DOO DA FRIGGIN CANNIBALLISTIC MOUNTAIN MEN!!!!!!!! JESUS CHRIST!

-Kyle holds his forehead in pain. Kyle passes out. Scotty is shocked.-

SCOTTY:

Holy crap....that speech was.....amazing.

- Kyle gets back up.-

Jake:

Kyle.... you said friggin 7 times...

SCOTTY:

Hey man...I was just messin with you when I said you were scared. I mean....before I went into the military I would've been scared too. Hey! you want a ride home?

Kyle:

You know what? a friggin ride home would be quite friggin nice. I think that is why i'm riding a friggin bus! Because a friggin bus gives friggin kids a friggin ride home!

SCOTTY:

Well....you know....I could give you a ride home in my helicopter.

KYLE:

Really? I never rode in a helicopter before.

SCOTTY:

Ah....don't worry. Riding in a helicopter is like riding on a bat out of hell...

- Kyle doesn't look reassured.-

SCOTTY:

c'mon...

KYLE:
*sigh*

fine....

JAKE:

Hey! what about me?

SCOTTY:

Jake.....you suck.....go home.

JAKE:

I suck!? Wha? You know what? YOU GUYS SUCK! I don't want to ride in a helicopter anyways! They....pollute the air! And they look stupid too!

KYLE:

Scotty....there's only one problem...

SCOTTY:

what's that?

KYLE:

*pointing to the helicopter*

You landed on Mr.Schlongs car!!!

- The helicopter sits on top of a now smashed Coupe Deville.-

SCOTTY:

OH.....snap! Uh, the military will pay for it...let's go....cya Jake

JAKE:

What!? DUDES! You can't leave me here!

KYLE:

We'll take you next time, man. sorry.

-KYLE and SCOTTY jump in the helicopter. The helicopter choppers start turning and the helicopter eventually lifts off knocking some kid off of his bicycle. MR. SCHLONG, red faced Horseshoe hair, and heavy weight with a funny looking mustache runs out of the school building shaking his fist.-

MR. SCHLONG:

YOU DAMNED PUNK KIDS!!! YOU'RE ALLLLLLLLL GONNNAAAAA DIEEEEEEEEEEE!

- Mr. Schlong continues shaking his fist as the helicopter flies away. Mr. Schlong gets hit in the face by a rock out of nowhere knocking him out cold. Jake watches as the helicopter flies out of sight. A bus pulls up behind Jake. The bus doors open. A CRAZY OLD TOOTHLESS BUS DRIVER LAUGHS EVILLY-

CRAZY OLD TOOTHLESS BUS DRIVER:

You don't have no friends to save you now, JAKE! HAHAHAHAHA! get on the bus....I can't bite...

- CRAZY OLD TOOTLESS BUS DRIVER LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.-

JAKE:

Please stop laughing....you're scaring me!

COTBD:

DO I? You wanna see something scary, find a picture of my wife. poor old lady has a lip fungus the size of wisconsin....now get on.

- JAKE climbs on the bus.-

CUT TO:

	WIDE SHOT of the helicopter flying across the sky. 

CUT TO:

	INSIDE OF THE HELICOPTER. Scotty sits in the drivers seat and kyle in the passenger. Scotty has on some stupid gaudy looking sunglasses and earmuffs.

KYLE:

Wow......the town sure looks beautiful up here.

- HELICOPTER VIEW OF HEAVENER. It's a giant brown ugly spot surrounded by beautiful hills. KYLE looks forward. In front of him he sees nothing but trees except for a small little area in the middle of all the trees. the place looks dark and eerie.-

KYLE:

That isn't.....

SCOTTY:

Yeah....it's Hontubby

KYLE:

Why are we flying over it? TURN AROUND SCOTTY!

SCOTTY:
Don't worry. We're in a helicopter.  He can't get us from up here, Anyways it's a military vehicle. He'll freak out when he sees a military helicopter.

CUT TO:

	-GROUND VIEW. The helicopter flies above us. The camera is in a garage pointing upwards as the helicopter goes by. HEAVY BREATHING is heard in the background. A SHADOW RUNS PAST THE CAMERA.-

SWITCH BACK TO:

	-INSIDE OF HELICOPTER. KYLE peers down on Hontubby with a look of fear, disgust and anger. KYLE faces straight again and closes his eyes.-

SCOTTY:
see? it wasn't that bad.

KYLE:

Let's go home.

SCOTTY:
That's where we're going man. Don't worry...

- The Helicopter flies across a highway. 

CUT TO:

	-KYLE'S HOUSE.EXT. AFTERNOON.

 	The sun is turning orange as it begins to go down. Renay and Lacey are in Kyle's front yard fighting over a ball. A LOUD WHIRRR is heard. the wind begins blowing as the HELICOPTER slowly lowers down. Lacey and Renay stop fighting and let out a "Whoa!". The helicopter choppers cut into the tree toppling down on the house. KYLE'S MOM comes out.-

KYLE'S MOM:
WHY IN THE FRIGGIN WORLD IS THERE A HELICOPTER IN MY YARD!? KYLE........GO PICK A SWITCH! 

- Kyle's mom looks over to the now destroyed room. She faints.

KYLE:
Hi mom...

SCOTTY:

Man, Kyle...I didn't see that tree there! 

KYLE:

Ah...it's alright.....the government will pay for it right?

SCOTTY:

Whoa.....good point!

KYLE:

Well thanks for the lift...

SCOTTY:

Ah, no problemo. I guess i'll go back to the junkyard and go to my little homemade hut and eat canned beans marked out of date for 1995.....cya later. Have fun...

-	Scotty turns around looking gloomy. He glances back a few times then keeps walking. Kyle rolls his eyes.-
-	
KYLE:
-sighs-

Alright alright.....you can stay for dinner!

- Scotty does a backflip out of the army helicopter-

SCOTTY:

WOOOOOHOOOO! I'll get my stuff man!

KYLE:

Whoa wai....I didn't say anything about moving in...

- Scotty gets right in Kyle's face-

SCOTTY:

Well that's too damn bad. I'm tired of living in a hut in the junkyard eating moldy canned beans and smelling like.....stinky.......things.

KYLE:

Dude, my mom won't let you live with us! The last time she saw you you had a popsicle stick in your hand and you were saying "SAY AHHHHHHHHHHH!". 

SCOTTY:

So.......I had to check for ringworms and I had to have you yell real loud so your butt would loosen...

KYLE:

SHUT UP! That's gross dude..

SCOTTY:

C'mon Kyle...think of something good and smart....you're smart....right?

KYLE:

Of course......let me think....how would my mom let you stay?

SCOTTY:

You could tell her I have to live with you because you tried to shoot up the school and I have to monitor you to make sure you don't go crazy again!

KYLE:

NO! I have an idea......

- LACEY jumps in the helicopter in the background and starts it up. It goes soaring into the air.-

LACEY:

RENAY! GIMMA BACK MAH BALL NOW!

RENAY:

BRING IT!

- LACEY thrusts forward in the helicopter firing off the machine guns. Renay does a backflip to avoid the machine guns. Renay lands in a power rangers type pose. Scotty looks to his helicopter.-

SCOTTY:

MOTHER OF GOD!

KYLE:

oh don't worry they'll be fine they fight like this all the time.

- The helicopter crashes into a tree and explodes. Lacey jumps out of the helicopter ruins on fire and tackles Renay. Scotty is shocked.-

SCOTTY:

MY HELICOPTER! NO! NO! NO!

KYLE:

Hey.....that government will pay for it....remember!? Now come on...let's get you dressed up...

SCOTTY:

Dressed up?

CUT TO:
	- DINNER. KYLE'S HOUSE. DUSK. Scotty is dressed up like an Arabian. Lacey and Renay stare at him.-

KYLE'S MOM:

So.....Mr.....

SCOTTY:
Huh?

-Kyle nudges him-

ow! HASSELHOFF! Mr. HASSELHOFF...yes..

KYLE'S MOM

Mr. Hasselhoff. Tell us about your home country of Atlantageorginia...

SCOTTY:

Well as you can tell it's in the continent of arabia because I am an ARAB.

KYLE'S MOM:

What's it like?

SCOTTY:

It's like....living in the pits of hell......just sitting in your tent...typing letters for people...watching people......skinny,muscular people telling you to type a letter up for his hot porn star girlfriend being funny and all you want to do....is shoot that guy in the face and say. LISTEN FELLA. STOP CALLING ME FAT!!!!

- The whole family stares at him.-

KYLE:
uh.....Scot...I mean..hasselhoff....tell them about your family?

SCOTTY:

MY family? oh! OHHH! THE family. Well....they...were arabs....like me....because i'm an arab...that means I have to have arab parents. My dad was a uh.....uhhhh....camel.....slayer...and my mom was a trans....

- Kyle's mom gasps-

KYLE'S MOM:

Your mom was a transvestite!?

SCOTTY:

NO! no....i mean...a....transmission repair..woman.

KYLE'S MOM:

They have cars in atlantageorginia?

SCOTTY:
NO!...she uh.....repairs the transmission on their bicycles.

RENAY:

Bicycles don't have transmission stupid!

SCOTTY:

HEY! I'M NOT...

- Kyle kicks Scotty-

SCOTTY:

OW! I mean.....in Atlantageorginia they have transmissions on their bikes. They call these things.....motor....cycles.

KYLE'S MOM:

Well...we have those here!!!!

SCOTTY:

Really? wow!!!

RENAY: 

if you're arabian then why did you fly a helicopter here?

- Scotty is stumped-

SCOTTY:

uh.....that is the culture of our people. You must fly a helicopter to another country or...the....muffin man....will ravagely rape you and eat you alive...

RENAY:

Then why did it say U.S Property on it?

SCOTTY:

Because the U and the S stands for something different where we live....it stands for.....United....Swarzenegger....

RENAY

What is that?

SCOTTY:

It's an organization that helps sponsor the helicopter building things....HEY LOOK AT THE TIME! Kyle....don't we have to go get my ....head.....shaved?

KYLE:

Uhhh....oh yeah! of course! We have to go in a minute mom...

KYLE'S MOM:

Well stop by your grandpa's store and give him his Merle Haggard CD he left here last time!

KYLE:

Alrighty mom! i'm taking your car....

SCOTTY:

see you guys later....

- Scotty suddenly holds his stomach in pain.-

SCOTTY:

h.....h...HOLLLLLLLLY CRAP!!!! I GOTTA TAKE A DIGGG!!!!

KYLE'S MOM:

A what?

SCOTTY:

WHERE IN THE HELL IS THE CRAPPER!?

KYLE'S MOM:

Down the hall!

- Scotty runs down the hall and closes the door. loud farting noises can be heard. Everyone looks at him.-

KYLE:

It's....an arabic thing?

CUT TO:

	-DAVES SHOP N' LIFT. DUSK. People fill up at the gas stations like normal and people do normal thigns they do at normal convenient stores. JAKE is outside of the convenient store talking to a girl.-

JAKE:

Yeah.....you know...I was in the Persian Golf war!

GIRL:

ooooo! The persian gold war!?

JAKE:

Yeah.....terrible war.....I have many war scars...but you know....I can't show you them because they're in weird places...

GIRL:

Like your ear?

JAKE:

no.....more like my butt. yeah...I got caught by some of the Russians there and I got whipped by a 350 lb. chinese man with a wet 15 foot long towel..

- The girl leans in closer-

GIRL:

Aw....poor baby.

JAKE:

Yeah I know.....everytime i sleep at night....I see him....
-tearing up-
with that long white towel..laughing at me screaming...."A GOOSERADADAYANGA HOO HOO!" which is chinese for...."Take it like a man." The only way...I can sleep at night is if I have someone to...sleep with at night...

GIRL:

Awwww....that is so sad! I'll sleep with you tonight!

JAKE:

Really....that's sweet of you.

- A SWAT VAN pulls up. Out of the back comes four SWAT TEAM MEMBERS dressed in CAMO. SERGEANT BISMOL gets out of the driver's seat with his signature cigar in his mouth.-

BISMOL:

Alright men! Stock up on food! we have a long night of searching ahead of us.

GIRL:

AH! It's the ninjas! hold me!

- The girl cuddles up with Jake-

-SWAT MEMBER walk in the store. The store clerk stares behind the counter stares at them. The SWAT team members start taking all kinds of food.....they all walk out without paying. The store clerk watches them-

STORE CLERK:

Whoa.....those dudes forgot to pay.

STORE CLERK 2:

Yeah man....but their like.....ninjas...

STORE CLERK:

So...ninjas have to pay too, dude!

STORE CLERK 2:

Whoa...gnarly!

- Sergeant Bismol walks in and takes a pack of Cigars and some donuts. He stops at the clerks.-

SERGEANT BISMOL:

OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS. Don't worry about anything....

STORE CLERK:

Uhh.....okay......that'll be 3 dollars and 45 cents.

SERGEANT BISMOL:

no...no..no! We're the police...we don't pay.

STORE CLERK:

Dude....I have a life man.....don't give me your Dr. Phil speeches.

SERGEANT BISMOL:
- Points his gun at the clerk.-

I AM THE POLICE. I DON'T HAVE TO PAY BECAUSE I AM THE LAW! ALRIGHT!?

STORE CLERK:

uh.....is that thing loaded?

SERGEANT BISMOL:

HELL YES IT IS! WANNA SEE!?

STORE CLERK:

Whoa....Dave.....this gun is loaded....

STORE CLERK 2:

What's it loaded with?

STORE CLERK:

I don't know...I guess ammo.

STORE CLERK 2:

Whoa......like on Grand Theft Auto!

STORE CLERK:

YEAH!

- They high five. Sergeant bismol walks out. Store clerks look at him.-

STORE CLERK:

Uh....that dude forgot to pay...

STORE CLERK 2:

Gnarly man!

CUT TO:
	- OUTSIDE OF STORE. BISMOL walks out of the store.-

BISMOL:

Alright men! When we get to Hontubby there will be three different place to explore. Two of you will go down Dehart Lane, where it is said that this....thing....took his victims and barbequed them. one of you will go to the old mine shaft, where it is said that the Culpeppers and all the other Hontubby residents mainly worked at. and one of you will go to the old Hontubby Store. 

SWAT MEMBER 1:

What about you?

BISMOL:

I sit by my van and smoke a cigar.

SWAT MEMBER 2:

Why?

BISMOL:

BECAUSE I SAID SO! NOW LET'S GO!

- The SWAT team pile into the back of the van and Sergeant Bismol gets in the front. They skid off down the road towards the town from hell. Jake is in shock of what he just heard.-

GIRL:

wow....those ninjas are going to that one town where those kids were killed! You remember that!?

-Jake pushes her away into the parking lot. JAKE walks forward staring at the dissapearing headlights of the Swat car. A car runs over the girl in the background.-

JAKE:

Holy snauzberries.....I gotta warn Kyle....

- Jake jumps in an old Ford truck and starts it up. It backfires shattering a window in the convenience store. Jake skids off. The STORE CLERK leans out of the window.

STORE CLERK:

Uh....you forgot to pay for the window dude!

CUT TO:

	- POTEAU PRISON. INT. 

	-The door on the far end opens. Two pairs of black shiny boots steps in. "Barracouda" plays in the background. CAMERA PANS UP. IT'S OFFICER MARY. Officer Mary pulls a toothpick out of her mouth and throws it at one of the inmate in a cell screaming "Hey baby!". The toothpick hits him in the eye. Officer Mary has her Helmet on her head and her sunglasses on. Mary begins walking down the hall towards JOHN'S CELL ROOM. The guard sits outside reading a newspaper. Mary walks up to him and stands there.-

GUARD:

Password..

OFFICER MARY:

Open the cell door  ****er...

- The guard looks up.-

GUARD:

Hey lady I don't have time to put up with this. What's the password?

OFFICER MARY:

Bleeding crotch...

GUARD:

Wha?

- OFFICER MARRY grabs the GUARD by the crotch pulling him off of his feet. the Guard screams in pain.

OFFICER MARY:

Now look, son...i'm PMSing and i'm not in too good of a mood right now so you'll either open the cell door or Mr. Winky becomes a pancake under my foot, and lefty and righty become your new eyeballs.

- Guard grabs something off of his belt. It's the key.-

GUARD:

here....take it.....just don't hurt Mr. Winky!

-Officer mary takes the keys.-

OFFICER MARY:

Thank you.....have a nice day.

- Officer Mary tosses him down the hall. Officer Mary opens the door. John sits in a chair. He sees officer Mary in confusion. Officer Mary smiles.-

OFFICER MARY:

John Culpepper, you have been charged with 6 homicides and are the prime suspect in 30 other cases. You have also been charged with severe acts of canniballism. With that said....it is time.

JOHN:

You can't execute me! I haven't even had my last request request yet!

OFFICER MARY:

What is your last request?

JOHN:

To kill Kyle Vandagriff......

-Officer Mary smiles-

OFFICER MARY:

Your request....is granted...

- John smiles an evil grin.-

CUT TO:

	- JAKE'S TRUCK. DUSK. He drives down the road with the pedal to the metal.-

CUT TO:

	- THE IGA. DUSK. JAKE'S TRUCK PASSES BY. Another car pulls into the IGA. A really nice black Firebird. It pulls into the handicapped parking area running over a bicycle that was in that parking spot before. Out of the Firebird is FLASH THOMPSON. A mentally handicapped person walks out of the store.-

HANDICAPPED PERSON:

durrr...AY! YOU! YOU RAN OVER MAH BIKE!

FLASH:

Oh....oh did I? oh my! why would I do something like that?  I am so sorry.

MENTALLY CHALLENGED PERSON:

DUR IT'S ALRIGHT! I didn't like it anyways!

FLASH:

Here....since I "accidentally" ran over it, i'll help you pick it up.

- Flash grabs the Bicycle and throws it on top of the roof of the IGA. Flash starts laughing evilly.

MENTALLY CHALLENGED PERSON:

DUR! THAT WASN'T VEWWY NICE!

FLASH:

Hey....your shoes untied!

- The mentally handicapped person looks down. Flash uppercuts him. Flash picks him up and throws him in the ice machine and locks the door laughing. Flash begins walking again. An old lady with a puppy dog walks out of the store. Flash takes the puppy dog.-

OLD LADY:

HEY THAT'S MY SUSIE!!!

FLASH:

Oh..is it? come and get it then!

- Flash holds it high above his head the old lady begins jumping trying to get it.

OLD LADY: 

YOU PUNK KID! GIVE ME MY DOG!

- Flash tosses the dog into the road. A truck runs it over.-

FLASH:

Oh! It slipped!

OLD LADY:

SUSIE!!!! NO!!!!!

- Flash continues laughing evilly.-

CUT TO:

	-IGA. INT. The bleeping and blooping of item scanners can be heard mixed with jazz music. CHRISTA is at one of the registers serving a nerdy looking guy.

NERD:

So....anyways Christa....I enjoyed science class today..

CHRISTA:

Oh yeah! That was cool how Mr. Buttchin blew up the microwave and he caught on fire and he start dry humping the chalk board!

NERD:

Oh...I was talking about the lesson over bioluminating lights in the southeastern hemisphere that are in a purgatory state of misinterpretation.

- Christa stares at him confused.-

CHRISTA:

Is that a qoute from Star Trek?

NERD:

No.....but Wharf did mention in episode 405 of the Next generation a bioluminatuing light in the sky but...

- Flash grabs the nerd and throws him out the window while Christa is checking something. Christa turns back around. Flash puts on an angel smile.-

FLASH:

Hey babe hows work?

CHRISTA:

Hey flash! where did Stephen go?

FLASH:

Oh, he went crazy and threw himself through a window.

CHRISTA:

whoa....that's pretty weird....kinda like when your in the swing set and you go really high and your stomach feels weird.....yeah...

FLASH:

....uhhh....yeah. Anyways....wanna do something tonight?

CHRISTA:

I have to work.

FLASH:

You were supposed to get off at 5:00

CHRISTA:

Yeah I know!

FLASH:

It's 6:45

CHRISTA:

It is!? but the clock on the register says it's 5554567

FLASH:

That's the store's phone number...

Christa:

Oh...

FLASH:

So anyways....I just got off of work and everything and...I was wondering if you want to hang out...

CHRISTA:

Yeah! That sounds like fun...

FLASH:

Oh it'll be fun alright...heheheh....

CHRISTA:

What do you mean?

FLASH:

huh? oh...nothing....nothing at all....

CHRISTA:

The only thing is everywhere we go it seems that....Kyle is there too. I mean.....when I went on vacation to Wisconsin to visit my sick grandmother Kyle was in the same exact town on the same exact week. He said he had to file taxes or something...

FLASH:

I'll file his face the next time he messes with you.

CHRISTA:

Flash.....don't.

FLASH:

I'm serious. If that butthead gets in my way tonight i'm going to kick him in the face so hard his nose will uhhh.....I can't think of anything witty to go with it....but oh yeah......it'll be bad. But anyway.....i've found a place where I know he won't want to go....

CHRISTA:

A mailbox!?

FLASH:

Mailbox!?What the..!?

-Flash shakes his head in confusion-

No...not a mailbox...an actual place.....a place where no one else is...

CHRISTA:

What are we gonna do with no one around?

-FLASH smirks- 

FLASH:

you'll see...

CHRISTA:
ooo! I love suprises! Let's go.

-Christa walks off towards the car. An old homeless lady stops Flash Thompson-

HOMELESS LADY:
Excuse me kind man. Can you open this jug of milk for me? My fingers are hurting me. It took me all the money I had left to buy it for my children!

- Flash look to Christa who's still walking to the car.-

FLASH:

Sure.....sure I will!

- Flash takes the Jug of milk and slams it on the ground hard sending milk splattering all over the place.-

FLASH:

There.....now drink up.....ya old hag.

- The old hag starts crying over the jug of milk as Flash walks away laughing evilly-

Old Hag:

You're gonna die a painful death one of these days you evil spawn of satan

FLASH:

I'd like to meet the man who even DARES to try to kill me....

- Flash walks out of the IGA and gets in his car. MENTALLY CHALLENGED MAN finally manages to burst open the ice door. Mentally challenged man gets out swinging two bags of ice at the car-

MENTALLY CHALLENGED MAN:

DUR....I'M GONNA GET YOU!!!!!

- Flash puts the car in reverse and makes a sharp turn backwards running over the mentally challenged man. Christa looks back.-

CHRISTA:

What did you hit?

FLASH:
uhhh....a speed bump.....don't worry

- Flash drives off.-

CUT TO:
	DARK ROAD. NIGHT. EXT.

	- The S.W.A.T van speeds down the dark road. The S.W.A.T VAN comes to a sudden stop. The S.W.A.T team climb out of the back of the S.W.A.T van, with a battle cry, pointing there guns everywhere. They look around and see nothing.-

SWAT MAN 1 ( RON)

uhhh....where's the cannibals!?

SWAT MAN 2 ( WILLY)

There hiding you idiot! There's not going to be cannibals standing outside in the middle of the night going " Hey Swat team! here we are! We eat people! come kill us!" Anyways all the canniballs are dead....

BISMOL:

Alright team. I already told you where you're going to be going. Upper quadrant 1....you go to Dehart Lane, a little ways down this road. Lower Quadrant 1, you follow them and split up when you get to an old store. Ted.....you go to the abandoned mine..

TED:

Do I get a quadrant?

BISMOL:

sure...you get the....uh.....esus i don't know....call it whatever you want..

TED:

Alright......The FREDDIE MERCURY Quadrant!

- Ted points up to the sky-

TED:

This is for you Freddie!!!!!

- Bismol is confused.-

BISMOL:

Righhht. Anyways you all know where to go so get to it. Meet me back here at 9:00. Any questions.

- RON raises his hand-

RON:

Yeah....uh....Which quadrant am I in?

BISMOL:

You don't even know your quadrant!? 

- Bismol gets in Ron's face-

BISMOL:

Why are you even here you worthless testicle sac? You don't even know your own quadrant. YOURE WORTHLESS! YOU'RE MEANINGLESS! YOU DON'T EVEN EXIST TO ME ANYMORE! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!

- Ron is confused.-

RON:

Uhh.....You have the keys to the van.....and you don't have the power to fire me..

BISMOL:

fine....you're in the upper quadrant...

- Ron goes to high five Willy-

WILLY:

Dude, i'm in the lower quadrant. you're stuck with Danny.

- Danny is a small asian guy. Danny smiles at Ron and waves.-

DANNY:
I am really excited!

RON:

ooo...kay....I hope that means something different in china then it does in English...

DANNY:

no...it still means I am rock hard....but not because of you...I am so excited about being here! It makes me real happy!

BISMOL:

ALRIGHT TEAM LET'S GO!!!!

- The swat split up... Bismol grabs Ted.-

BISMOL:

Ted....you go the other way...

TED:

ohh!!

- Ted turns around to see a dark narrow creepy road.-

TED:

dammit...

- Ted begins walking down the road. Bismol lights up his cigar-

BISMOL:

heh....it's not long now old sparky....

- Bismol pulls out a picture of a cartoonized electric chair smiling happily..Bismol smiles.-

CUT TO:

	-DOWNTOWN HEAVENER. DUSK. The sun fades underneath the trees. A white car zooms by.-

CUT TO:

	- INT. CAR. Kyle is crying as " feel like making love" plays on the radio.-

SCOTTY:

Feel like makin' love!!!

- Scotty thrusts his pelvis-

-Kyle turns the radio station. Linkin Park "crawling in my skin" plays.-

KYLE:
CRAAWWWWWWWLINNNG IN MY SKINNNNN! THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEEEEEEEAAALL

- Scotty stares at Kyle in disbelief. Scotty switches back to "Makin love".-

SCOTTY:

I  FEEL LIKE MAKIN LOVE.

- Scotty thrusts his pelvis-

SCOTTY:
I FEEL LIKE MAKIN...LOVe...TO YOU!

- KYLE switches the station again. "Janie's got a gun." The hardcore rock version from the first one plays. Kyle bangs his head wildy.-

KYLE:

JANIES GOT A GUN! JANIES GOT A GUN! JANIE JANIE JANIE JANIE JANIE'S GOT A GUN! JANNIIIIE! HAS GOT....A GUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

SCOTTY:

Look out!!!!

- Kyle looks up and swerves barely missing an oncoming truck. They stay silent for a second. Scotty switches it back to Makin' Love-

SCOTTY:

I FEEL LIKE MAKIN LOVE! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!

-Scotty begins thrusting again. Kyle punches the radio out. Scotty is speechless.-

SCOTTY:

AW! That's destruction of property mister!!You know.....it's been 5 months hasn't it?

KYLE:

Scotty don't even say that Christa is the reason for my depression...

SCOTTY:

DUDE....SHE IS! NO DUH!

KYLE:

....oh yeah....

-Kyle puts the car in reverse and gets back on the highway.-

CUT TO:

	-TED. Ted causiously walks down a dark creepy road.

TED:
I'mmmmmmm...SAILINNNNG AWAYYYYYY. Set...an open course....for the virgin seaaaaaaaaas....because...I....GOT TO.....BE FREEEEEEE....Free to face the life.....that's ahead of meeeeee......uh....
-ted begins mumbling the rest of the lyrics.

TED(CNT'D)

TO CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY ON!

-Ted stops walking and plays an air guitar right in the middle of the road making sounds like a guitar..-

CUT TO:

	-RON and DANNY walking down the same road that Roy and Lance walked down in Hontubby 1. Danny is looking really cautious turning towards any sound that is made frightened. Ron walks casually down the road.)

RON:

Danny....what the freak are you doing?

DANNY:
 It is in my culture to be cautious of every sound...

RON:

Dan....this is america....we don't have ninja's and communists here....

DANNY:

I am aware of danger at any time....

- A "MOOOO" is heard behind them.-

DANNY:

DAAAAANGGGGGEEEEEER!!!!

- Dany turns around and fires over 30 rounds into a....innocent cow. The cow stares in disbelief.-

Cow:

I got......owwwnnnnned..

- The cow tips over....DEAD. Ron grabs Danny's gun-

RON:

Dammit Danny! You just blew any kind of cover we had now!

Danny:

But we were about to get attacked by a giant mutated Dalmation..... you should be thanking me ....

RON:

that's a cow....Danny...... Cow produces milk and beef. Beef and milk are good. 

DANNY:

Oh.....things like that in China would be deemed spawns of Satan...

RON:
 I thought you guys believed in buddha or something?

DANNY:

i'm a Budduslimtian. I believe in Buddhism, Christianity, and Muslim..

RON:

How is that possible?

DANNY:

I believe that Jesus, Buddha, and Alla are all hanging out together having a big party in the sky...and one day....I too will be partying with them.....me.....and Richard Gere.....like one big happy family!

- Ron looks at Danny strangely and continues walking down the road.-

DANNY:

You don't think i'm weird now do you?

RON:

I've thought you were weird ever since I first saw you and you said I look like a sexy ninja....

DANNY:

Oh...did I offend you? It's normal in China for guys to tell eachother they look like a sexy something. Everyone says i look like a sexy indian....

RON:

Danny....just shut up....

- Ron and Danny keeps walking-

CUT TO:

	-GRANDPA HERTEL'S GREENHOUSE. EXT. DUSK. Kyle's car pulls up into the drive. A sign is on top of the building that says " Gramp's peppers, veggies, and weird assorted plants." Kyle and Scotty get out of the car.-

SCOTTY:

This is the same Grandpa that killed.....you know who...isn't it?

KYLE:

yup.......he's the one....

SCOTTY:

Wow....I need to go shake his hand.....the hand that killed John Lennon

KYLE:

John Lennon? I thought you meant Grandpa Culpepper?

SCOTTY:

Oh...he killed him too!? 

KYLE:

....uh....yeah......

- KYLE and SCOTTY walk into the greenhouse. It's a luscious greenhouse filled with assorted fruit plant and veggie plants. GRANDPA hertel is on a ladder picking some pepper off of one of his 20 ft. high pepper plants-

KYLE:
 Hey gramps!

GRAMPS: 

GERMAANNNNNS!

-Grandpa Hertel jumps off the ladder on top of Kyle. Hertel starts choking Kyle vigorously. Grandpa notices it's Kyle and stops choking him.-

GRANDPA:

Oh...it's you...

KYLE:

yeah...its....me...Anyways...my mom wanted me to give you back you're Merle Haggard CD.-

- Kyle hands Grandpa Hertel his CD.-

GRANDPA HERTEL:

So that is where it was!

- Grandpa Hertel opens the case. " KYLE'S FAVORITE ANGRY SONGS" is in the case instead.-

HERTEL:

I've been needing to listen to some good ole Merle Haggard for a while now.

- Grandpa Hertel sticks the cd in a CD player without knowing it's not the right CD.-

KYLE:

g-yuh....I think the Cd's a little scratched up. Let me take it home and fix it..

HERTEL:

Nonsense Kyle.....It's always had a few scratches. 

Hertel presses play and starts climbing back up the ladder. suddenly A GUY SCREAMING really loud and an annoyingly loud guitar is heard.-

CD:

RARRGGGULLAtor! IM DA TERMINATTOOOOR! EATTTTT YOUR FRIGGIN LIVVVER WITH MY CHIAIIIIINSAW!

- Grandpa Hertel falls off of his ladder and starts holding his ears in pain-

HERTEL:

THE GERMANS ARE TRYING TO WARP MY MIND!!!!!

- Grandpa pulls out a gun out of his pants and shoots the Cd player. Grandpa tries to catch his breath. Kyle is shocked-

KYLE:

Yeah.....those....evil....germans....planting a brain washing device on a Merle Haggard CD? How could they!

HERTEL:

Well....I don't think they got to me.....

- Hertel shakes his fist at the sky-

YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE STALIN!

SCOTTY:

wow...this is quite a fruity place you got here!

HERTEL:

Are you making fun of me, fat boy?  I may be old but I still could rip yours lungs out with my bare hands...

SCOTTY:

No! no! Don't you remember me? Poteau Hospital?

HERTEL:

Are you the nurse who gave me a vasectomy?

SCOTTY:

no....no! you remember? The incident?

HERTEL:

When I had a heart attack?

SCOTTY:

no! the weedwhacker incident!?

HERTEL:

OH! when the crazy canniballs tried to kill kyle and that annoying fat guy!

SCOTTY:

yeah...well......i'm the annoying fat guy

HERTEL:

oh....you are? You must've beefed up some then

SCOTTY:

Well...I went to the army...

HERTEL:

hmm....the army....that's the worst time of a teenage boys life...I remember the army....i fought in World War 2 ya know.....I raided the beaches of Normandy and had to rip out a German soldiers intestines and use his intestines as a fuse for a bomb. Worst experience of my life.  people screaming their last screams....bombs going off....Tom Hanks.....Tom Sizemore.....vin Diesel.......and.....Upham

- Hertel's eye twitches-

SCOTTY:

right....well....I'm a typewritist!

HERTEL:

Why don't they use computers nowadays?

SCOTTY:

They do! But I mostly type letters to the amish people who refuse to have something made from a computer sent to them...

HERTEL:

I see...so you're the scum of the army huh?

SCOTTY:

no...

HERTEL:

ah....now you're in denial too! So Kyle...how's your grades?

KYLE:

well...I got a B in math

HERTEL:

A "B"?  YOU ARE WORTHLESS! you're gonna help me paint my house as punishment

KYLE:

You painted it last week!

HERTEL:

This will be the 3rd coat!

KYLE:
-sigh-

fine....whatever...

- JAKE'S TRUCK PULLS UP OUTSIDE. Kyle looks outside.-

KYLE:

Jake?

- Kyle runs outside of the greenhouse. Scotty follows. Grandpa looks at them suspiciously.-

KYLE:

Hey Jake! Wassup...

JAKE:
-frantically-
Kyle....we got to go...

KYLE:

hey, man what's the matter?

JAKE:

A swat team just went to Hontubby

-Kyle stands shocked. Scotty looks shocked to.-

SCOTTY:

Well....sucks to be them. Let's go home...

- Jake punches Scotty in the face-

SCOTTY:

AH! MOTHER OF GOD! What the hell!?

JAKE:

Sorry dude...I felt like doing it...

KYLE:

Jake......i've been trying to put this in the past....

JAKE:

I know but if you don't hurry up we're gonna have a...

Hontubby Weedwhacker Incident...

KYLE:

3....

SCOTTY:

NO! Kyle don't! I already lived through one! i'm not going to make it through another! 

KYLE:

Scotty....you got yourself into this mess when you tried to give me heart surgery I didn't even need....so there's no escaping this now....you're in the Army Scotty....remember? You said you changed! So prove it!

- Scotty looks up....and smiles confidentally-

SCOTTY:

......Yeah! i'm a part of the military. Those canniballs can kiss my army ass!

-INT. GREENHOUSE. Grandpa hears every word that is being said.-

HERTEL:

Going to Hontubby again,eh!? Not without me!!! I've got unfinished business to take care of......

JAKE:

Okay...so umm....what if we all do die?

KYLE:

Then we're going to die with honor.....we're going to be known as the people who took on the last cannibal.  We'll be written in history....in books...in movie scripts. We may die...oh yes...but we will not be forgotten. I've gone years trying to put the past behind me....trying to forget about these canniballs....but now...It's time I come out of the closet...

SCOTTY:

You really are gay?

KYLE:

SHUT UP SCOTTY! NO!

- Kyle kicks Scotty in the crotch-

SCOTTY:

Ah! My rations!

- in the background Grandpa Hertel can be seen on top of the greenhouse roof. Grandpa jumps off the roof into Jake's truck with a loud KERTHUMP. Kyle helps Scotty back to his feet.-

KYLE:

Now Scotty...I was giving a heroic speech...I don't like people interrupting my speech

SCOTTY:

Why can't I give a heroic speech?

KYLE:

Because you're not heroic!

SCOTTY:

Oh.

KYLE:

Anyways...I'm finally coming out of the closet. i'm going to face these demons....for the final time

JAKE:

Wait...how do you even know there are still cannibals there?

KYLE:

Because that night at the hospital...

FLASHBACK:

- Hairy falls off the roof landing on the ground. Kyle looks down. FLASH TO: Kyle walking to the spot where Hairy landed. A WEEDWHACKER IS THE ONLY THING LEFT.-

END FLASHBACK:

JAKE:

So that's how...

KYLE:

What? I didn't even say anything.

JAKE:

What about the flashback?

KYLE:

I didn't say anything during the flashback. It just flashed images...

JAKE:

Fine. whatever. So Hairy ended up  surviving a big fall after you stabbed him with the weedwhacker?

KYLE:

Basically....yeah..

JAKE:

He's one tough dude. 

SCOTTY:

I survived a fall off of a building too....am I tough?

JAKE:

no...scotty...you still suck

SCOTTY:

But i'm a survivor!

KYLE:

yeah but you broke alot of bones in your body remember. This....Hairy....didn't break anything...

SCOTTY:

How do you know?

KYLE:

Because the police searched and didn't find a thing...

JAKE:

....um Kyle.....we better get going if we're gonna do this....

KYLE:

Right....Scotty.....call for some military back up....

SCOTTY:

What?

KYLE:

we're going to need an escape chopper

SCOTTY:

Why?

KYLE:

Because something is going to happen to our cars!

SCOTTY:

Why?

KYLE:

BECAUSE IT'S A CLICHE!! 

- Scotty picks up his CB-

SCOTTY:

Base this is BrownFeces! Base this is brownfeces! Can you read me!?

CB:
aw...crap.. what do you want Scotty? We're not delivering you donuts this time.

SCOTTY:

We got a.......Giant Rabbit...attacking the city of Hontubby! We request a chopper!

CB:
A giant moose! you mean the science lab escapee "Bunny"?

SCOTTY:

yeah....sure.....

CB:

We'll have a chopper over there in aproximately 31/2 hours

KYLE:

31/2 hours!? Where is this base?

SCOTTY: 

Somewhere in Kansas

KYLE:

Fine...we can hold one canniball off....anyways....i've been meaning to finish it off....Jake....let's roll....

JAKE:

Right on! man! We gonna kill us a canniball! YEEEEEEHAW!

- Jake, Kyle, and Scotty jump into the truck-

CUT TO:

	- DARK ROAD. NIGHT. A Car drives by with loud booming music.-

-INT. CAR. FLASH sits in the driver's seat . Everytime a BASS is heard Christa's head hits the hood. The song that is playing is "WHITEY GOT OWNED." FLASH is singing along with it.-

FLASH:

YO YOU SO CRAZY WHITEBOY! I'm GONNA BLOW YOU UP WITH MY NINE! STOP DANCING WITH MY HOES YOU WHITE BOY! YOUR DANCING ISN'T BETTER THEN MINE! WHITEY GOT OWNED! *Gunshots* 

CHRISTA:
- Yelling over the music-

FLASH!!!

FLASH:

WHAT!!

CHRISTA:

I DON'T LIKE THIS SONG!

FLASH:

YEAH I LIKE THIS SONG TOO!

- Christa turns off the CD player-

FLASH:

What the? The hell are you doing Christa:

CHRISTA:

That song brings back bad memories....

FLASHBACK TO:

	- Christa and Kyle running away from Hairy from HWI 1-

END FLASHBACK:

CHRISTA:

Nothing...it just.....bothers me when that song plays.....it reminds me of...

FLASH:

Kyle? 

CHRISTA:

Kinda...

FLASH:

Christa....remember how Kyle treated you? He never did anything good for you...

FLASHBACK TO:

	- Kyle blowing out the window in Hontubby 1, coming back for Christa. Kyle and christa kissing at the end of Hontubby 2

FLASHBACK ENDS:

CHRISTA:

Flash...i wanna go home...

FLASH:

What!? uh....WHAT!? YOU WANNA GO HOME!? NOW! We're almost to the spot!

CHRISTA:

Take me home now....Flash..

FLASH:

you know what...NO! NO I WON'T! I knew Kyle would cause trouble! The next time I see him i'm gonna grab him by the nuts and break his spine! you hear me...BREAK HIS SPINE!!

CHRISTA:

Flash..stop the CAR!!

FLASH:

Why?

CHRISTA:

PORCUPINE!!!

FLASH:

WHAT?

- A PORCUPINE SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.-

PORCUPINE:

.......i'll be damned! FINISH ME OFF THIS TIME ****ERS!!!!!!

- FLASH SWERVES but hits the porcupine square on. Flash's car runs into a tree-

CUT TO:

	SWAT VAN. EXT. NIGHT.

	- DETECTIVE BISMOL. A loud crashing sound is heard. Detective Bismol bites off a huge chunk of his cigar and throws it on the ground-

	- POV SHOT FROM BEHIND A TREE. Heavy breathing is heard. Pepto Bismol gets out of the Swat van and walks towards the loud- sound.-

	- Pepto Bismol walks towards where the sound was heard. The sound sounded as if it was at least a mile down the road. AN OBJECT RUNS TO THE SWAT VAN in the background. Pepto's back is turned towards the van -

PEPTO:
(yelling towards the sound)

Hello!? Ted.... Is that you?

-Silence-

PEPTO:

hmmph.....

- PEPTO begins walking back to his van. SUDDENLY THE VAN EXPLODES BLOWING PEPTO TEN FEET BACK.-

PEPTO:

AHHHHHHHHHH!

- Pepto lands in a ditch. He stands up-

PEPTO:

Aw....sonofabitch.

- Pepto dusts himself off-

PEPTO:

Well....at least it didn't ruin my 10.00 suit from the dollar store! HAHAHA...SUCKERS!

- Pepto flips off the sky....Pepto turns around. HIS BACK IS ON FIRE and he doesn't know it. Pepto smells something burning and see's his backs on fire. Pepto lights up his cigar with the fire on his back and takes a drag on it....then he comes to realize....HIS BACK IS ON FIRE-

PEPTO:

MY BACK IS ON FIREEEEEE!

- Pepto falls on the ground and rolls around. Pepto jumps up and straightens up his suit and takes out a bite of a  huge chunk of cigar and chews on it.-

CUT TO:

	- WILLY. Willy sneaks around in the woods stealthfully with his guns armed and ready to fire at any moment.-

CUT TO:

	- Ted. Ted walks down the road, turning nervously to every sound.-

TED:
-nervously-

jesus....loves me....this I know.....for the bible.....tells me....soo..

- Ted walks backwards. Ted runs into something and turns around quickly. It's a sign that says " HONTUBBY COAL MINES":.-

TED:

oh.....thank god!

-Ted moves over to a boarded up portion where an entrance to the mine used to be. Ted grabs his CB-

TED:

Pepto...this is the Freddie Mercury quadrant.

CB:

Freddie Mercury this is Pepto.....what's your position?

TED:

I'm at the mines as we speak....but there's a bunch of boards blocking the entrance. what do I do?

CB:

.....you stupid moron....BLOW THE CRAP OUT OF IT!!!

TED:

With my gun?

CB:

No, dumbass I want you to take a piss all over it....YES WITH YOUR FRIGGIN GUN!!!

TED:

I thought you said no noise?

CB:

I already heard gunshots in the distance....and my truck just exploded and something crashed into a tree down the road. If somebody is here, they would off chopped our wangs off by now and would be makin' them some hot dogs. just blow the thing open....

TED:

Whatever you say....wait....the Swat van exploded!?

CB:

Yes..

TED:

How are we getting home?

CB:

Don't worry about that right now dilhole.....just get in the mines...find some evidence and we'll worry about how the hell we'll be getting home once we got enough evidence to put this sucka in ole' sparky...

TED:

Right.....over and out...

- Ted puts his CB back and pulls out his gun.

TED:

I've always wanted to fire a gun like a madman...... so here it goes......

- Ted begins to fire and screams at the top of his lungs. smoke fills the entire vicinity. Ted runs out of ammo in his gun. Ted begins catching his breath. The boards are still there.-

TED:

son of a *****.... Screw this crap...

- Ted kicks the wooded planks in.-

INT. HONTUBBY MINES. Moonlight takes place of the darkness inside as Ted kicks in a wooden plank. Ted peeks in...

TED:

Holy crap....it's friggin dark.

- Ted crawls thorugh the hole he made and pulls out a flashlight. The beam dimly lights up the darkness. A small old mining cart sits unused at Ted's right. The sound of water dripping can be heard in the distance. Ted begins to walk through the dark musty mine.-

TED:

 cozy place.....for Charles Manson

- Ted begins walking deeper into the mine. The moonlight cannot be seen anymore...just the yellow dim beam protruding from Ted's flashlight. Ted looks around on the walls and allover.-

CUT TO:

	- Flash and Christa. smoke rises from the wreckage of their car. Christa moans and unbuckle sher seatbelt crawling out of the car. Christa gets to her feet. Flash starts moving around inside as well-

CHRISTA:

Are you alright Flash

FLASH

i think i broke my ass....

CHRISTA:

I think I broke my foot.....theres a sharp pain in it.

- Flash climbs out of the car-

FLASH:

....nah...you just stepped on a nail..

- Christa looks down at her foot. A nail is sticking in it. Christa pulls it out. Christa begins walking around aimlessly-

FLASH:

aw...man! My car!

CHRISTA:

What happened to it

FLASH:

It crashed into a friggin tree! That's what

Christa:

Ohhhh.....that's why it doesn't look the same as it did at the IGA!

FLASH:

No friggin duh...!

- Christa looks around-

CHRISTA:

This place looks.....strangely familiar.. and so does the tiwtiching porcupine in the middle of the road....and so does the purple van in the ditch over there!

- KYLE'S van from part 1 indeed is still in the ditch, now covered with leaves and witht he front windshield shattered out. Christa gets a look of horror on her faces-

CHRISTA:

oh my god......YOUR CAR IS A TIME MACHINE ISN'T IT!?

FLASH:

A time machine!?  what the!?

CHRISTA:

YEAH! just like on Back to the future! but....why did you bring me back to this moment.....i mean....oh no.....I was on my period this week!!!!

FLASH:

Christa! I did not bring you back in time alright!? I found this cool place out in the middle of nowhere and I though it would be a cool place to....do stuff....at....since no one would be around.

CHRISTA:

Wait a minute....i remember this place!

FLASH BACK TO:

- Random scenes in HWI 1. Ends with Gary the bum laughing-

FLASH BACK ENDS

CHRISTA:

oh....my god.....YOU....TOOK ME TO HONTUBBY!?

FLASH:

How did you know the name of this place!?

CHRISTA:

WHY...IN THE BLUE HELL....DID YOU BRING ME TO HONTUBBY!?

FLASH:

....to have sex....

CHRISTA:

You.....PREVERT!

FLASH:

I believe to word is pervert not prevert....

CHRISTA:

Do you not know anything about me?

FLASH:

....I knew you had a hot body....and your name was christa...

CHRISTA:

.....you wanted me for my body!? I knew it! I told my mom you would! You pervert!!!!

- Christa slaps Flash. Flash goes flying through the air. Flash gets up confused.-

FLASH:

holy crap......what a slap! But now you ticked me off.

- Flash gets in a foot ball stance and runs after Christa. Christa jumps in the air causing Flash to run into a tree. Christa turn around and puts flash in the full nelson.-

CHRISTA:

You wanna get nuts huh? c'mon let's get nuts!

- Christa begins to swing flash around. Christa throws flash into a tree. Flash is confused by her strength. Flash grabs a tree branch.-

FLASH:

That's it! You're....YOUR DEAD WOMAN!
- Flash runs at her with the tree branch.-

PEPTO: 

FREEZE SUCKA!!!!

-Flash stops and looks over to see PEPTO BISMOL pointing a gun at him.-

PEPTO:

drop the tree branch, hippy....

- Flash drops the tree branch-

PEPTO:

Now put them hands in the air.

- Flash puts his hands in the air-

PEPTO:

Now wave them like you just don't care...

-Flash is confused....but nonetheless begins waving his hands in the air.-

PEPTO:

Now....jock douschebag......do you realize that abuse towards a lady is a crime in this state?

FLASH:

Yes sir..

PEPTO:

Then explain to me why you were about to hit this pretty little lady in the face with a tree branch?

FLASH:

Self defense sir! She was really kicking my ass and I got tired of it so..

PEPTO:

SHUT....UP! Are you telling me that this little woman was beating the crap out of a big roid head like yourself...

FLASH:

Yes sir...

PEPTO:

Well that is one piss poor defense....now what are you two doing out in the middle of the woods anyways?

CHRISTA:

he was trying to see my boobies and I didn't even know it!

PEPTO:

ahhhh....date rape too huh? You really are a scumbag...you scumbag. Now how did you get here anyhow?

FLASH:

I ran over a porcupine and ran into a tree sir...

PEPTO:

Ah! So that piece of crap black car is yours that is wedged into that tree, eh?

FLASH:

yes sir....

CHRISTA:

please sir...you gotta help me get home! I don't like it here anymore!!!

PEPTO:

Don't worry...honey....come with me if you want to live...

FLASH:

We're gonna die!?

PEPTO:

no....you moron...it's just a saying... now follow up Steroid McSuck.....you've got alot of explaining to do when we get back to town...

CHRISTA:

Please...let's go back to town right now...

PEPTO:

Well....the only thing is....my Swat van blew up....therefore....we all have no ride home..

CHRISTA:

oh my god....he's gonna kill me!! HE'S GONNA KILL ME! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

PEPTO:

whoa whoa whoa....honey. Who's gonna kill you!?

CHRISTA:

HAIRY! HAIRY SMITHWICK! 

PEPTO:

How do you know about him?

CHRISTA:

.....i'm Christa....Christa Lockheart

PEPTO:

Holy crap! THE Christa!?

CHRISTA:

yes!!

PEPTO:

I'm Detective Pepto Bismol. You have nothing to worry about. We have the Poteau SWAT team out here taking care of every bit of this...

CHRISTA:

The SWAT TEAM!?  You sent a Swat team out here!? 

PEPTO:

yup...all four of our highly trained killing machines.

CHRISTA:

....wait...you just have 4 members in the swat team? Good god....you're gonna kill them!

PEPTO: 

now now....they are very highly trained proffesionals...they all know what they are doing... i'm sure they are all watching their back very carefully...

CUT TO:

	- Ted urinating on the side of the coal mines walls whistling while he does it. Ted zips his pants up and continues walking randomly pointing his flashlight at any sounds. -

TED:

Hmm....nothing much to see here.

- Ted sees a diamond sparkling -

TED:

Whoa! A genuine diamond!

- Ted begins reaching for the diamond trying to wedge it out of the rocky walls. While he is doing this he points the flashlight to the other side where A DEAD ROTTING BODY LAYS! Ted pulls out the diamond and looks at it. Ted pulls out his CB-

TED:

Hey Willy! I found me a genuine diamond! haha! I'm gonna be rich!

- Ted only hears static on his CB-

TED:

Willy?

- Ted beats on the side of his CB...then shrugs his shoulders. Ted trips over something and falls to the ground with a OOF. The flashlight lands in front of Ted revealing a WOMAN'S ROTTING HEAD. Ted looks up at the face-

TED:

Why hello there head!!!

- TED laughs a little then looks back at it horrified and jumps up with his flashlight.-

TED:

HOLY MOTHER OF JESUS!

- TED points the flashlight back to where the head used to be. THE HEAD IS GONE AND IS REPLACED WITH THE BLADE OF THE WEEDWHACKER. Ted moves the flashlight up slowly  to the FACE OF HAIRY, with the mask now fused into Hairy's face creating a demonic looking Hairy.-

TED:

HOLY ****!

HAIRY:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

-Ted drops the flashlight. The flashlight goes out. COMPLETE DARKNESS. Footsteps on gravel can be heard. TED screaming "SOMEBODY HELP ME" is heard. Guns shots are heard. Rustling. Suddenly, quietness. A motor tries to start. it tries to start again. THE WEEDWHACKER COMES ALIVE. TED's girly screams can be heard.-

CUT TO:

	A DARK ROAD. JAKE's truck flies by.

CUT TO:

INT. TRUCK

 	-A Johnny Cash song plays on the Radio. Scotty is in the middle, Jake is driving and Kyle is at the end. Grandpa Hertel peeks into the truck from the back randomly, then goes back at the sudden turn of a head.-

SCOTTY:

I'm squished...

KYLE:

So am I Scotty...

SCOTTY:

Are you calling me fat....fool?

KYLE:

Scotty.....you've been fat for awhile alright....admit it...it isn't all muscle...

-a brief pause-

JAKE:

you wanna hear a joke?

SCOTTY:

....I guess...

JAKE:

Alright...there's two muffins in a oven...one of them goes "Gee it's hot in here don't you think?" the other goes OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN

- Jakes starts laughing maniacally. Scotty and Kyle sit with a dumbfounded look on their face. Jake looks at them-

JAKE:

What? that was funny.

Kyle:

That was the most unfunny piece of crap I ever heard. Just hearing the stupidity of that joke protrude from your mouth makes my ears bleed. You deserve to hang for saying such an abomination of humor.

JAKE:

 "that sucked" would've worked

- More silence. Scotty suddenly starts laughing maniacally-

SCOTTY:

HAHAHA! I GET IT! The muffin was suprised by a muffin talking when he himself is a talking muffin!!! HAHAHAHA! THE IRONY! PURE GENUIS!

KYLE

Mother of god....i'm surrounded by brainless potheads......

SCOTTY:

Yeah...why is it you always end up becoming friends with a pothead? It's like a curse for you or something.....

-Kyle see's his purple van from part 1.-

KYLE:

....holy crap....my van! it's still here! and so is the Firebird! Wait.....I didn't have a Firebird......

- Suddenly  TED JUMPS IN FRONT OF THE TRUCK WITH HIS INTESTINES HANGING OUT OF HIS STOMACH SCREAMING "HELP ME!!"-

JAKE:

HOLY...

- JAKE RUNS TED OVER SENDING BLOOD SPLATTERING ALLOVER THE PLACE. JAKE'S TRUCK ROLLS OVER ABOUT 3 Times before coming to a stop upside down.-

CUT TO

INT. TRUCK.

	- Moaning and movement is heard in the darkness.-

KYLE:

....sonofa....I think I hit my side on the gear shift...

SCOTTY:

actually....that was my wang...

KYLE:

AW!!!

- Kyle begins punching blindly-

SCOTTY:

WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME!

JAKE:

I think i found the door knob...

KYLE:

Jake....that's my nose....

JAKE:

oh. 

- SCOTTY opens the passenger door and crawls out. Kyle and Jake follow. Jake looks at his now flipped over truck.-

JAKE:

aw.......crap. My truck flipped over!

KYLE:

Thank you again, Captain Obvious!!! Don't worry.....luckily we called for backup...

JAKE:

Yeah but...It's my pimping truck!

KYLE:

Jake....it sucked.....

SCOTTY:

So....now what do we do?

KYLE:

....The SWAT team shouldn't be too far away.... we should keep walking down the road until we find someone....then....we warn them about  hairy being alive.....they leave...we leave with them. easy as that. Then the military will bomb this entire area and it'll be over.....almost...too simple...so let's go....

SCOTTY:

wow...I feel like i'm in boot camp again!

- They begin walking down the road. As they walk out of frame, Grandpa hertel climbs out from underneath the truck bed....and sneaks into the woods.-

CUT TO:

	- HONTUBBY STORE. NIGHT.  Willy is in the manager's office  looking for any kind of evidence. Willy see's the diary on the desk. Willy reads a little of it.-

WILLY:

Awww.....poor guy got eaten by cannibals....what a moron..

- Willy opens another drawer...he finds a SEVERED HAND-

WILLY: 

HOLY CRAP! A SEVERED FRIKKIN' HAND!!!!

- Willy goes to run out the door but runs into HAIRY! Hairy raises his weedwhacker in the air and lets out a giant "WHOOOOOOO"-

WILLY:

NO!!!!! Wait!!! WAITT!

- Hairy tilts his head confused.-

Willy: 
Please.....I HAVEN'T EVEN DEVELOPED MY CHARACTER YETTTT!!!!

- small pause. Hairy shrugs and impales Willy with the weedwacker and throws him all around the office still attached to the weedwhacker. Willy still isn't dead.-

WILLY:

oh god! there's a weedwhacker in my stomach!

- Hairy is shocked he's still alive. Hairy pulls the weed whacker out and starts beating him in the face with it.-

WILLY: 
Why are you hellbent on killing me!!!

- Hiary continues beating him in the face with the weedwhacker. Blood is spraying all over the place, yet Willy is still alive.-

HAIRY:

DIEEEEEE!

WILLY:

I can't!

-Hairy picks the bloody Willy up and bodyslams him on the table and knocks a bookcase over on top of him. Willy continues to talk. Hairy is frantic. Hairy sees a well placed screwdriver on the ground. Willy gets out form under the book case and stands up with a hole through his stomach and his face literally smashed in.-

WILLY:

Why won't I DIE!!!

- Hairy runs towards willy and starts stabbing him with the screwdriver. It's not working Willy is still alive. Hairy gets tired and kicks Willy in the crotch. Willy dies. Hairy stares at his dead body confused. Hairy grabs his weedwhacker and runs away.-

CUT BACK TO:

- Scotty, Kyle, and Jake. They are walking down the road still-

SCOTTY:
-singing-

Rain drops keep falling on my head...

JAKE: 

just like the man who's feet are too big for his head

JAKE AND SCOTTY

Nothing seems to fit! oh.....Raindrops keep falling on my head they keep falling because i'm FREEEEEE!

- Kyle slaps both Jake and Scotty in the face-

KYLE:

GUYS! shut up! you're gonna get us killed!

SCOTTY:

heh.....nobody wants to kill me! I'm in the military!

KYLE:

The Iraqis do.

SCOTTY

Yeah but they don't count....because their like....iraqis.

KYLE:

Whatever man

JAKE:

Hey look! A class ring!

- Jake bends down and picks up a ring. Kyle snatches it from him-

KYLE:

Gimme that!

- Kyle looks at it. It says "kyle" on it.-

KYLE:

That's weird....I thought i gave my ring to....

- Kyle's eyes widen and he lets out a gasp-

KYLE:

oh....my...god...CHRISTA IS HERE!!! GUYS WE GOTTA FIND HER!!

- Kyle begins running down the road grabbing Jake with him-

SCOTTY:

Yeah....you guys go ahead and run! i'll catch up later.

- It gets really quiet around Scotty. A wolf Howls. Scotty looks around nervously-

SCOTTY:

.....guys......I'm about to crap my pants....WAIT UP!

- Scotty begins to run after them.-

CUT TO:

	- Kyle still running suddenly someone tackles him from the bushes and throws him on the tground and points a gun at him. It's Detective Bismol!-

BISMOL:

FREEZE CANNIBAL SCUM OR I'll blow your F****** head off so fast you'll be s****ing  out your eyes.....

KYLE:

Wait. Dont shoot! I'm not a cannibal!!!

BISMOL:

Bull**** give me one good reason why i shouldnt blow your weiner tucking head off right now.

CHRISTA:

Kyle?

-Kyle stops moving and looks behind Bismol and see's Christa behind his shoulder

KYLE:

Ch....Christa!?

CHRISTA:

K....KYLE!?

KYLE:

CH- CH- CH- CHRISTA!?

CHRISTA:

K-KY-Ky-KY-KYLE!

KYLE:

CHRISTA FRIGGIN LOCKHEART!>?

CHRISTA:

KYLE FRIGGIN VANDAGRIFF!?

- They suddenly hug eachother-

KYLE:

oh my god....I was so scared for you Christa.. what are you doing out here anyways?

CHRISTA:

Oh...Flash wanted to rape me...

- Kylegets angry-

KYLE:
Flash!? WHAT!? Where is he?

CHRISTA:

He's over there!

- Christa point to a tree where Flash is leaning on with his hands behind his back in handcuffs-

-Kyle stands up with a really pissed off look on his face. Kyle walks over to Flash. Flash spits out some blood form the beating Christa gave him. Kyle then Sacks him right in the jaw-

KYLE:

You sick minded perverted piece of muscley ****!!!!

- Kyle puts his hands together in prayer-

Forgive me father for the curse word i just said and the beating im about to give mr. thompson right now.-

- Kyle proceeds to punching and slapping the crap out of Flash-

KYLE:

You feel that flash? This is what happens

-punch-

When you try to have sexual relations

-punch-

With my virgin EX GIRLFRIEND-

-punch punch punch-

- Kyle kicks him in the nuts and walks away calmly. Pepto is in shock-

PEPTO:

I dont know if i should arrest you for battery or shake your hand!!!

KYLE:

Well I suggest if you want to get out of here alive you shake my hand Mr ?

PEPTO:

Detective Pepto Bismol. I'm calling the shots around here.

KYLE:

Not anymore you are

PEPTO:

Whoa...sonny. You think just because you killed some cannibals that your the chief here now? Look, i've been trained to handle situations like these and my elite SWAT team is trained too. Right now they are confiscating any evidence and killing anything that gets in there paths. YOu know why? Because there badasses, they don't take **** from, man, woman, animal, or alien. If you spill milk on them they'll break off your arm. I bet you right now one of my Elite Swat members is in the middle of killing something...or is about to kill something..or they are in the process of doing something really badass...like setting something on fire...or drinking Mountain Dew...or wrestling bears. Trust me....we're in good hands.

CUT TO:

	DANNY and RON looking at a  magazine

RON:

Look at the melons on that!!!!

DANNY:

Wow....i would like to spank those with a bullwhip after i rub them with hot oil!

- they lift the magazine up. It's a "Saggy old ladies magazine" with some old chick on the cover in a leather biker suit with one foot propped up on a motorcycle smoking a cigarette. Ron looks at his watch.-

RON:

HOLY CRAP! we've been looking at porn for 30 minutes! We should head back to Pepto now man!

DANNY:

But we haven't even go to where we're going yet!

RON:

Ah, who cares it's not like there are any cannibals here anyway

DANNY:

Well...if we don't go check and someone finds out that we lied then we'd get our right testicle frozen numb and chopped off!

RON:

Don't worry...i'm the master at lying! how do you think i got this job!?

DANNY:

You mean you didnt go through any training to get here?

RON:

HEll no! I found some dude's ID in the trashcan and said I was a SWAT

DANNY:

Great. I train for 8 year just to be on a Swat team and you just become someone else entirely!? You're a disgrace! I spit on you!

- Danny spits in Ron's face-

DANNY:

Now I don't care what you say! I'm gonna go inside this creepy old house look around and do my job like i should

RON:

Well while you're "Doing your job" i'll sit back and drink an ice cold beer....which is conveniently placed in this conveniently placed cooler by this conveniently placed chair!

- Ron opens the  Cooler and pulls out a beer.-

DANNY:

Fine. I hope you have fun SUCKING AT LIFE!!!!!

- Danny runs towards the house. He runs like a dying seal-

RON:

What a pussy..

CUT BACK TO:

	- Danny as he runs through the yard watching cautiously around him. Dany runs up to the door and stands beside it. Danny looks around and knocks. no answer. Danny knocks again. No answer.-

DANNY:

THIS IS THE FRIGGIN SWAT TEAM! OPEN THE DOOR!

- no answer-

DANNY:

ALRIGHTY! I AM NOW GOING TO KICK THE DOOR OPEN!!

- Danny back up and gives the door a swift kick. The door doesnt budge and Danny falls off the porch breaks the steps. Danny rubs the back of his head in pain. Danny notices an open window. -

SWITCH TO:

	-INT. HONTUBBY HOUSE. Danny Dives through the window ninja style. knocking over stuff on his way in. Danny stands up quickly and looks around.. Danny closes the window. it's extremely dark in the house. Cob web hangs from the walls. Danny turns on his flash light. A small beam of light protrudes through the house. Danny seems to be in the living room of the house. Danny walks slowly and cautiously with a flashlight in one hand and a gun in the other. Danny finds a light switch and tries to turn it on but it doesn’t work.-

DANNY:

Anybody home?

-A loud sound is heard from the kitchen it sounds like a pig screeching.-

DANNY:

Come on out.

- Danny cocks his gun-

DANNY:

I'm not going to hurt you....im just going to...

- Danny reachs the kitchen and begins to shoot wildly in the kitchen while yelling " DANNGGGGERR". He runs out of ammo. Danny opens his eyes. The lights come on and Hairy is standing in the house. Hairy is in shock. Hairy looks around at the bullet holes around him then checks himself. He didnt get hit. Hairy looks back at Danny

DANNY:

Aw....holy buddhajesusalla!!! 

- a strange farting noise is heard-

DANNY:

Aw.....I just crapped my pants!

- Danny begins backing up. Hairy continues to stare him down and starts up his weedwhacker. Hairy begins to stalk him. Danny continues backing up through the house-

DANNY:

C'mon man....you can't kill a guy who crapped his pants! that's just wrong. Please! I don't want to die with **** in my pants, in a town no one knows about surrounded by cannibals!

- Hairy continues to stalk him. now breathing hard. Looking angry. HAiry revs up the weedwhacker.

DANNY:

C'mon dude you dont want to eat me. You wouldn't like me! I'm foreign!!! IM FOREIGN FOR GOD SAKES!!! GYAAAAAAAH!

- Danny suddenly begins kicking at hima nd doing weird karate sutff on hairy. Begins stumbling.-

DANNY:

If i'm gonna die! Im gonna go out in a blaze of glory!!!!

- Hairy shrugs then drops the wwedwhacker and throws a bucket full os something on Danny. Danny sutmbles and wipes off his eyes!

DANNY:
Is that...gasoline!? No !!!! 

- Hairy strikes a match, then flips Danny off. Danny bursts into flames and begins to run around....in a blaze of glory. Danny runs outside.-

SWITCH TO:

	- Ron sipping on a beer in his chair. Suddenly danny runs by on fire.-

DANNY:

OHMYGODIMONFIRE!!!!

- Ron looks for a second. Suddenly he hears a weedwhacker and stands up and gets in the middle of the road. He see's hairy running towards him with...A FLAMING WEEDWHACKER!!! The weedwhacker also caught on fire. Ron is surprised and tries to pull out his gun-

HAIRY:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

- Ron pulls his gun out but hairy Impales ron with his Weedwhacker and swings him around in circles like and airplane before finally throwing him into the beer cooler. Down the road Danny falls down...in a blaze of glory...dead. Hairy investigates Ron. Ron is moaning in pain. Hairy gets close to his face. Ron opens his eyes.-

RON:

YOU SON OF A BITCH! GET THE **** AWAY FROM ME!!!

Hairy stands back up and grabs a Sledgehammer that happened to be laying by the chair.-

RON:

Oh naw! MAN! DON'T DO THAT TO ME!!! I HAVE A MOMMA! She doesn’t want to see me like this at the funeral!!!!

-	Hairy smiles at his pleas. Hairy brings the sledgehammer down on Ron's leg Ron’s leg makes a sickening crunch and is flatten and blood spurts out of it. Ron begins crying out in pain. Hairy does it to the other leg. Ron screams in more pain. Hairy stands over Ron and finally brings the sledgehammer down on his face. Smashing him in pretty good.-

CUT TO:

-	Detective Bismol, Kyle, Christa stand by a radio. Flash sits on a log holding his face in pain.-

BISMOL:

Ted….c’mon in. I want to know how you’re doing

-	Static is heard-

BISMOL:

Ted, if you’re taking a leak at least let me hear some urinating…

-static is heard still. Bismol throws the walkie talkie down.-

BISMOL:

Geez. Where is Ted!?

KYLE:

Does he have black hair?

BISMOL:

Yeah

KYLE:

Does he looks strangely like Tim Robbins on crack?

BISMOL:

Yeah

KYLE:

..........Ted’s dead baby…..Ted’s dead.

BISMOL:

What do you mean?

KYLE:

What I mean is….Ted is the reason I was walking. You see me, Jake and Scotty were riding over here to save the day and then all the sudden this guy runs in front of us with his intestines sticking out. I’m all like “whoa! That dude has his intestines hanging out.” Then we hit him….and…..that’s all I remember until the truck got done flipping

BISMOL:

So you ran him over!? YOU DESERVE TO HANG!!!

KYLE:

Well..it wasn’t me….it was Jake…

BISMOL:

Who’s jake?

KYLE:

Jake is thi…

-	kyle points behind him but sees Jake and Scotty are missing.-

KYLE:

Oh my god….I left Jake and Scotty in  the woods.

CUT TO:

	-The Woods. Night. Jake and Scotty are smoking weed and laughing uncontrollably.-

SCOTTY:

So I was like “Check out that missile coming right towards us!” and he like “That’s no missile….IT’S A GIANT DILDO!”

-	Scotty and Jake break out into laughter-

JAKE:

Man, you’re the funniest fat guy ive ever met!!!!

SCOTTY:

Funny….like….funny how? Funny because im fat?

JAKE:

I dunno.

SCOTTY:

No you do know because you said it. How am I funny. Am I funny because the fat under my chin jiggles when I laugh? Do you find my weight funny..

JAKE:

No its just that…

SCOTTY:

You think my obesity is funny. You scum bag…how could you?

-	Jake and Scotty stare at eachother for a moment-

JAKE:

Goodfellas huh!?

SCOTTY:

YEAH MAN!

-	They high five eachother and start laughing again. Jake looks out and see’s Bob from Hontubby weedwhacker incident 1 waving at them.-

JAKE:

Whoa….Scotty….check it out! That Eminem wannabe is waving at us!

SCOTTY:

What are you talking about man? There’s no eminem wannabe?

JAKE:

You don’t see him? He’s right there in front of us!

SCOTTY:

The only thing I see is a tree dude. Man, you’re trippin!!!

JAKE:

I’m not trippin dude im serious!

-JAKE watches as bob begins floating in the air with his legs crossed Indian style smoking a bong.-

BOB:

Wanna get high Jake?

JAKE:

I’m already high eminem dude!

SCOTTY:

Jake….man…you’re **** is seriously whacked up. I mean, the stuff they give you in Iraq is part weed and part sewage because they have to grow it in the sewer…

-	Scotty’s voice fades out in Jake’s mind. Bob waves at Jake in a “come with me motion”. Jake nods and follows Bob.-

SCOTTY:

So sometimes if you find a bit of brown stuff in it you have to pick it out or else you’re stomach will slowly be devoured by ringworms. Jake…..Jake? where you going man!?

JAKE:

I’m gonna go get high with the white guy…

SCOTTY:

Dude…you’re already high man!!!!

-Jake stops and thinks.-

JAKE:

Oh yeah….

-	Jake starts bursting out laughing.Scotty starts laughing too.-

JAKE:

Whatever man im gonna go take a leak..

-Jake walks out into the woods-

CUT TO:

-Jake walking through the woods-

JAKE:

Man…where’s the friggin toilet in this place!?

-Jake looks around.  It’s really dark in the woods. Jake pulls out his lighter which gives off very little light. Jake sse’s a tree with a hole inside.-

JAKE:

AH HA!!! There she blows!!!!!

-	Jake runs to it and unzips his pants. He sticks his…..thing….in the hole and begins urinating. Jake gets done. Jake goes to try to pull it out…but it’s stuck. Jake tugs some more.-

JAKE:

OH MY GOD!!!! MY LOVEMACHINE IS STUCK!!!

-Jake begins practically humping the tree.-

JAKE:

OW!

-Jake see’s some guy with a cowboy hat silhouetted by the moonlight behind him.-

JAKE:

Umm….hi. I’m kinda stuck….do you think you could like..help me out here?

-	A smile breaks on the hidden face of the man. The voice is recognizable-

MAN:

 Sure thing!

-	The man begins throwing a lasso over his head. Jake looks in shock.-

JAKE:

NO no no!!!! wait nevermind!!!!!

-	The man tosses the lasso it goes around jakes neck. The man pulls back sending Jake to the ground as a loud ripping sound is heard.-

JAKE:

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! 

-	Jakes screams in more pain.-

CUT TO:

-	Scotty passed out. Jake’s screams wake him up.-

SCOTTY:

Jake!?

-	Scotty gets up. Jakes screams suddenly stops.-

SCOTTY:

Hmm…..the rapper mustve been a raper! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

-	Suddenly the crunching of leaves is heard. Scotty smiles.-

SCOTTY:

I’m gonna scare the crap out of jake…

-	Scotty hides behind a tree waiting for Jake to pass. But the man who begins walking by isn’t Jake. IT’S JOHN CULPEPPER. John is dragging jakes spasming body behind him. Scotty see’s this and covers his mouth to restrain a scream. A little peep comes out of his mouth. John stops walking and looks around. Scotty tenses up-

SCOTTY:

Ca caw!!!!!ca caw!!!! Im an eagle! Ca caw!!!!!

- John looks around a little bit more then continues to walk by. Once john leaves Scotty slumps to the ground.-

SCOTTY:

whoa....man...I gotta find Kyle!!!

- Scotty goes to stand up. Suddenly somebody pulls him back down. IT'S GRANDPA HERTEL. Grandpa Hertel is covered in leaves and has some kind of odd war paint on his face. Scotty whimpers.-

GRANDPA HERTEL:

You're not going anywhere sonny....

SCOTTY:
-mumbles incoherently-

GRANDPA HERTEL:

Shhh! be quiet you fat dumbass!

- Scotty stops whimpering. Grandpa slowly takes his hand off of scotty's mouth-

SCOTTY:

we have to warn Kyle...like right now

GRANDPA HERTEL:

We're not warning jack ****.

SCOTTY:

But....KYLE'S GONNA DIE!!!

- Grandpa hertel grabs scotty's nose and twists it hard.-

GRANDPA HERTEL:

NO WE ARE NOT!! Kyle and John have a history and John isnt going to instantly kill Kyle without putting kyle through alot of pain first.

SCOTTY:

How do you know this?

GRANDPA:

I've been in World War 2.......as a typewritist...

SCOTTY:

no way! I thought you were a groundsman?

GRANDPA:

I was but then they foound out i was really good at typing stuff. But back then it held more honor then it does now. If you could type a letter perfectly you were a god among men.  Now in my experiences in war....if an enemy has been wanting to kill a certain somebody for a long time and finally captures him he wont kill him without torturing him before he dies. It's human nature. So trust me if Kyle is captured then we'll have our chance to save them. Dont you want to be a hero?

SCOTTY:

I already am a hero!!

GRANDPA:

Bull crap, son. you type letters to amish people. How is that heroic huh?

SCOTTY:

Well....you arent a hero yourself

GRANDPA:

I killed a german with my typewriter once. I beat him to death with it.  Also, I killed Grandpa Culpepper...and that damned horse...I killed it with my bare hands...

- Grandpa's eye twitches again

GRANDPA:

So, if you say i'm not a hero again i'll hit you in the face....

SCOTTY:

alright...sorry. So what's your plan?

GRANDPA:

We're going to wait....see what happens to Kyle and wait for the oppurtune moment to strike. What do you got with you?

SCOTTY:

ummm...well a couple of grenades a colt 45. and a screwdriver....

GRANDPA: 

And you call yourself a army man? I got a hunting knife, two c-4's, kerosene and a plastic bag....

SCOTTY:

What do you need the C-4

GRANDPA:

You always have to have some kind of explosives at all times...you never know when they'll be needed...

SCOTTY:

and the hunting knife?

GRANDPA:

For hunting silly....

SCOTTY:

oh.

GRANDPA:

Now follow me and you'll stay alive...

- Grandpa begins to move out-

CUT TO:

	EXT. Pepto, Kyle, Christa and Flash continue walking. Flash looks pissed off.

FLASH:

Christa....look im sorry about everything....

CHRISTA:

Flash, just be quiet. I've had it with your Tony Danza bullcrap!

FLASH:

Tony Danza? what the? You know what Christa...nothing you says makes sense anyways. I should've went on ahead and went out with that Heather chick. At least then I was gauranteed to get some...but I just had to go for the challenging one and the dumbest one!

KYLE

HEY! Dont call her dumb! She's extremely bright.. she just has her moments of stupidity like all of us....isnt that right christa..

CHRISTA:

look the tree is waving at us!!!

- Kyle slaps his forehead.-

KYLE:

yeah....that's pretty neat.

FLASH:

You just wait Kyle. As soon as I get out of the slammer i'm gonna hunt you down and kill your children!!!

KYLE:

Did you hear the pepto? He just threatened me...

PEPTO:

Yup...I got it on tape...you're really digging yourself in a deeper hole now.

FLASH:

You know what I dont care...my dad is rich...he'll bail me out so I can say anything right now and get away with it like I ran over your dog Christa

- Christa's eyes get wide-

CHRISTA:

Princess Leah!?

FLASH:

Yeah....AND I DID IT ON PURPOSE!!! HAHAHAHAH!

-Christa kicks Flash in the nuts and begins beating the living crap out of him-

CHRISTA:

YOU MURDERER!!!!! YOU DESERVE TO DIE!!!!

-Christa begins choking flash. Flash looks up to Pepto-

FLASH:

HELP ME! SHE'S ATTACKING ME!!!

PEPTO:

so? 

FLASH:

IT'S A CRIME

- Pepto holds his tape recorder and presses stop

PEPTO:

Only if there is evidence buddy...

- Kyle is looking outwards at the town of Hontubby they are at the intersection. Kyle looks in horror. Pepto goes beside him-

PEPTO:

So...this is THE hontubby huh?

KYLE:

something's definately wrong.....

PEPTO:

What do you mean?

KYLE

It's too quiet...

- Christa stops choking Flash. Flash passes out. Christa stands beside Kyle-

CHRISTA:

Oh my God.....it's still here....everything...just like before...

KYLE:

Nothing has changed...except for the dead body in the middle of the road....wait...WHAT!?

-Kyle, Pepto and Christa run to the dead body. It's WILLY. HE looks like a mess too.-

PEPTO:

Willy....are you alright!?

- Pepto kicks him. he's dead.-

KYLE:

I think he's dead

PEPTO:

No! He's a SWAT! SWAT DON'T DIE!

- Pepto begins banging on his chest.-

PEPTO:

LIVE YOU UGLY BASTARD!!!

-Suddenly police sirens are heard in the background. The gang look to see a cop car coming down the road with it's red and blue lights illuminating everything. Kyle and Pepto stand up.-

PEPTO:

Well i'll be damned...we're saved kids!!!

- The police car stops. A foot steps out of the car and OFFICER MARY stands up in all of her glory.-

KYLE:

....no...we're not.

- Pepto begins walking toward her pulling ot his badge.-

PEPTO:

Howdy officer...i'm Detective Pepto Bismol.

- MAry pulls out her gun and blows his badge out of his hand.-

MARY:

I dont give a flying **** if you're the president of the united states. What are you doing out in a restricted place like this Mr. Vandagriff?

PEPTO:

Well we have permi...

MARY:

I DON'T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOD ***** THING. YOU JUST SHUT YOUR BIG ******ING MOUTH AND LET ME AND KYLE SETTLE OUR DIFFERENCES.

KYLE:

Well....Mary... I came out here because this place is still haunted by cannibals..

MARY:

Bull**** you were going to draw a giant wang on the side of the hontubby store in spray paint!

KYLE:

...no...I was going to save the day.

MARY:

From what!? A deer? This place is deserted....nobody lives here anymore. I've held many investigations here. NO ONE is here...now I would arrest you for vandalism and...

- MARY see's the dead body-

MARY:

Oh...my! what have you guys done!?

- Mary walks towards the dead body pushing Kyle and Christa out of the way. she inspects the body.-

MARY:

Well..this son of a ***** is dead...and strangely enough you seem to be the only people around...

KYLE:

MARY YOU KNOW WELL WE DIDNT KILL HIM!

MARY:

DO I!? How do I know you didn't kill him? you're the only people around! Who else could've killed him? Give me one good idea of a suspect other then you....

KYLE:

Hairy Smithwick.

MARY:

He's dead. He has a death certificate and everything....

KYLE:

They never found his body though. What about that?

MARY:

You know what you are really starting to piss me off worse. You know...this place has been claimed as off limits....which means this is kind of a no mans land....and I can claim Marshal law out here..

KYLE:

no...no you can't. Mary, you can't kill me!Your a police officer....there are rules.

MARY:

Screw the rules. I've put up with you for my entire life and it's going to end now. All I have to dosimply shoot you in the hea.d shoot bismol in the head and shott the girl in the chest, give you all guns and make it look like you all killed eachother. Then finally you'll be out of my hair and can finally go to Florida and chill in the sun with my lover, Amy and we will make sweet lesbian love.

KYLE:

HA! SO YOU ARE A LESBIAN!

MARY:

Yes....I am. I can't kill you without letting you know for sure....and now you know...and now....you will die...

- Mary points the gun. Pepto fumbles for his gun but it's missing. Suddenly a gun shot is heard. Kyle falls to the ground. Christa screams and runs to kyle's side. Mary holds her gun. Suddenly she spits out a load of blood. Mary has been shot right through the throat. Mary hold her throats as blood continues to pour out of it. Mary drops her gun and fumbles around. Kyle opens his flinched eyes and watches as another bullet goes right into mary's head blowing out the back of her skull. Mary looks to kyle one last time...--

MARY:

Damn........punk...

-Mary falls down face first on the pavement....DEAD.  Kyle begins breathing heavily and checks for wounds. Nothing-

KYLE:

What...happened?

CHRISTA:

Wow!!! You absorbed her bullet!

- Kyle looks up. a gun cocks. Flash stands up pointing the gun at Kyle-

KYLE:

Flash!? What the heck?

- Flash shoots at Kyle and hits him in the leg. Kyle goes down in pain.-

CHRISTA:

NO!!!

FLASH:

What? Did you think I was gonna let some police bitch kill you? I wasn't going to let her kill what is rightfully my kill! I'm going ot be the one to finish you off. You've cause me nothing but misery today and....quite frankly...im not really feeling straight in my head. I'm feeling a little....what's that word?

CHRISTA:

boobies?

FLASH:

No...it start with a C

CHRISTA:

Couch?

FLASH:

no...it's what im acting like right now

CHRISTA:

Russel Crowe?

FLASH:
And how does he act?

CHRISTA:

Australian

FLASH:

NO! CRAZY! WHOOOOHOHOHOHOHOH!

- Flash begins jumpin around up and down  and running in circles. Flash fires a few shots in the air.-

KYLE:

Flash....If you kill me you'll regret it when you're being eaten alive by canniballs.

FLASH:

You know what? I don't even care anymore about them cannibals. Let them get me. Ill take them all on all my own. You know why? because im FLASH THOMPSON. IM A STAR FOOTBALL PLAYER! ILL Punch a hole through their faces!! IM THE GREATEST THING GOD EVER CREATED!!!!!!!!

PEPTO:

FLASH...you better put that gun down right now..

FLASH:

OR WHAT!? are you going to scream at me!? This is your gun right here! I stole it RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE!!! Do you want it back? Come on and get it!! 

- Flash picks up mary's gun.-

FLASH:

I'll just shoot all of you with psycho bitchs gun!!! HAHA! WHAT NOW I HAVE TWO GUNS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

PEPTO:

FLASH YOU PUNK ASS SONOFA **** YOUR NOT SHOOTING ANYHTING!now give me thos guns or i'll be forced to break both of your legs and melt your dick with a welding torch.

CHRISTA:

FLASH!!!

-FLASH looks at Christa-

FLASH:
Christa....you should've let me take advantage of you and none of tis wouldve happened. That's all i wanted tonight...BUT YOU....

- Flash hits himself in the head with the butt of the gun-

WOULDNT

- Flash does it again-

GIVE IT...

-Again-

TO ME!!!!!

-Blood runs down his face-

FLASH:

So now...i'll kill you first thing....

- Suddenly a scream is heard as Pepto tackles Flash to the ground. A gun shot is heard. Pepto looks at Flash with wide eyes. two more gun shots are heard. Pepto rolls off of Flash with his cigar still hanging out of his mouth. Flash takes the Cigar out of his mouth and begins smoking it. Flash stands up and pops one last one in Pepto's head.-

CHRISTA:

NO!!!! MR. BISMOL!!!!

FLASH:

Here's your gun back Pepto...you dead sack of ****

-FLASH throws Officer Mary's gun on Bismol and doesnt know it. Flash takes more big huff from the cigar and flicks it on the ground. Blood runs down his face-

FLASH:

Now where was I? Oh yeah....I was about to kill Christa...but now that i think of it...i think ill have my way with her before I kill her and kill you first Kyle. anything you want to say?

KYLE:

....umm...no not really...just kill me.

- Flash shrugs and fires...but....it's empty. Flash is confused. He fires again but they are all empty.-

KYLE:

aw....no bullets? 

FLASH:

NO NO NO!!!!!!

- Kyle runs for the the other gun and does a dive. Flash and Kyle wrestle fro the gun. Flash pulls the gun out of Kyle's hands and smiles evilly-

FLASH:

YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!!!

- Flash points the gun but suddenly A WEEDWHACKER STARTS UP BEHIND HIM. Flash is confused. Suddenly. A WEEDWHACKER PIERCES THROUGH FLASH'S STOMACH! Blood splatters all over Kyle's face. The weedhwakcer steel blades come inches from kyle's face. HAIRY picks flash up over his head with him attached to the weedwhacker and let's out a big WHOOOOOO! Kyle stares into the horrific face of Hairy....more menacing and pure evil then ever before. Hairy drops Flash's body and  pulls his weedwhacker out. He begins stalking Kyle. Christa is also horrified. Kyle stares at the hulking figure of Hairy transfixed by his evillness. Hairy crouches down and stares right into kyle's face.-

KYLE:

You look like ****.

- Hairy gives Kyle a creepy smile. Kyle smiles back.-

KYLE:

Nice to see your ugly face again. 

HAIRY:

you gon' die!

KYLE:

That's what you said last time right before I beat the **** out of you.

- Hairy hits Kyle with his weedwhacker knocking him out.-

CHRISTA:

NOOOOOOO!!!!! KYLE... I STILL LOVE YOU!!!!

- suddenly Christa is knocked out by a frying pan. John is behind her. He smiles evilly. Hairy begins doing a happy dance.-

JOHN:

YOUUUUUUUU IDIOOOOT!

- John begins beating hairy with the frying pan-

JOHN:

STOP DANCING AROUND AND put the bodies in the police car! Are you sure this is all of them?

HAIRY:

YESSA! YESSA!

JOHN:

Great....let's go finish this once and for all...

HAIRY:

WHOO!

- Hairy and John pick up Kyle and Christa' body. Behind a coupe of trees in the woods Grandpa Hertel and Scotty watch-

GRANDPA HERTEL:

They just think this is it.

SCOTTY:

Well let's go kill em'

- Scotty goes to run at them. Grandpa grabs hima nd pulls him back-

GRANDPA:

You idiot! not right now. Let's wait till they get back to the house. They'll want to torture Kyle and the girl first...then we'll ambush them..and be heroes..

SCOTTY:

Wait...I called for some air support about 3 hours ago!They said they would be here in 3 1/2 hours! We're saved!

GRANDPA:

Dammit boy why did you do that? That's going to make them nervous and they might kill kyle faster! Oh well....we got 30 minutes to spare..let's go...

CUT TO:

	-A blurry image that slowly gets clearer. Kyle wakes up to the view of Jake's body in front of him hanging from a chain wrapped around his wrists. Kyle notices that he too is chained up. Christa is beside him-

KYLE:

Christa!

CHRISTA:
-waking up-

I DON'T WANT ANY PUDDING BILL COSBY!!!

KYLE:

Shhhh! be quiet!

CHRISTA:

Kyle!? Oh my god I thought we were dead.

KYLE:

Me too. Don't worry we're still alive...Jake...Jake are you alive?

- Jake looks at them slowly-

JAKE:
- in a raspy half dead voice-

They ripped my weiner off......

KYLE:

Oh...my.look i'm sorry I got you in this mess Jake...

JAKE:

Don't be sorry. I'm the one that brought you back . If i would've minded my own business.

KYLE:

Yeah you're right it is your fault. But oh well....I don't think we'll be escaping now. Looks like this is the end of the line for me and my friends....

CHRISTA:

Kyle...don't say that! there is always a way to get out of a situation even when it seems impossible!

KYLE:

Wow....that's a good message..

CHRISTA:

Wow...I said something smart!

KYLE:

Yes honey.....you did..

JAKE:

So....why don't we at least attempt to escape?

KYLE:

You're right...where are we?

JAKE:

I think we're in the kitchen...

KYLE:

Why do you say that

JAKE:

Because there's a big table with a bunch of cannibals sitting around it over there.

- Kyle looks to his right and see's JOHN and HAIRY chowing down on human body parts.-

JOHN:

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Looks like this is it for you Kyle! But don't think im going to kill you fast....i'm going to kill you guys...nice.......and.....slooooooow.... and i'm going to let you watch me kill you're girlfriend first...then cook her..THEN EAT HER RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU...

JAKE:

What about me?

JOHN:

Who are you?

JAKE:

I'm Jake.....you....you ripped my wang off..

JOHN:

oh! OH....I ripped your wang off? that's why it was so hard to pull you down...damn man....I mean im a pretty sick bastard but i didnt know i was that sick...

- John starts cracking up. John hears Hairy smacking. John stabs hairy in the hand with a fork-

JOHN:

STOP SMACKING YOUUUUU IDIIIIOT!!! We got guests over!!!!

HAIRY:

SOWWY SIR!!! SOWWY SIR!!!

JOHN:

So....Kyle....how's life been?

KYLE:

Well....you scarred me for the rest of my life first of all....umm....chirsta dumped me for a car.....umm....I went through this odd 4 month long depression because of it....

CHRISTA:

You did?

KYLE:

Yeah. Christa...you were the best thing to happen to me....and when you left me...I was resorted to nothing. I was just like I was before i met you...

CHRISTA:

Oh my god....you wore diapers?

KYLE:

Well..not that long ago. I started......playing monopoly.....by myself

- Jake cringes-

JAKE:

It's true....that is until he found me...

KYLE:

Yeah...then I found Jake and we played monopoly together. But I still couldnt get over you. I would go to parties and look for a new girl but none of them were as perfect to me as you were. You were everything I ever wanted in a woman and....going with someone else was like....reading the bible while watching Scarface...it just didnt feel right. I need you Christa....you are the fuel for my car. You're the light in my dark soul youre...

JOHN:

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? Stop with the mushy crap.

CHRISTA:
(teary eyed)

Kyle...that's the sweetest thing I ever heard...

JAKE:

Have you heard a angel sing?

CHRISTA:

no.

JAKE:

oh....me neither. 

KYLE:

Christa...I love you

CHRISTA:

I love you too...

- John is crying-

JOHN:

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! ENOUGH !!!

- Joh pulls out a huge butterknife-

JOHN:

it's time to gut her open..

KYLE:

AW HELL NO! If you even touch her!!! TOUCH HER....you'll see a side of me you ain't ever seen before

CHRISTA:
-gasp-

You're gonna moon him!?

KYLE:

No....I....dont know what it'll be..but oh yeah....it'll get ugly fast...

JOHN:

Well....Kyle has a softspot huh? You know what they say about those softies....they......are....soft.

KYLE:

You know what they say about them canniballs. They.....eat.....people.

JOHN:

So?

KYLE:

Eating people is stupid.

HAIRY:

YOU STOOPID

KYLE:

Hairy...was I talking to you? Huh!? You just shut your deformed mouth and sit down....

-Hairy sits down.-

JOHN:

Don't listen to him YOOUUUUU IDIOOOOT!!!

HAIRY:

O

- Hairy stands up-

JOHN:

Now watch this...

- Hairy grabs Kyles face and forces him to watch John John touches Christa with the butterknife. Kyle's eyes get wide and his face gets red.  Kyles wrists tightens up and....BREAKS THE CHAINS OFF AROUND HIS WRISTS!!! Kyle falls to the ground and kicks Hairy in the crotch. John is shocked. John throws the butterknife at kyle. Kyle catches it and throws it back and hits John in the leg.-

JOHN:

AHHHH! MY LEGGGGG!!

- Kyle throws John through the window and pulls christa down off the wall and rips the chains off of her wrist..-

JAKE:

WHOA!!!!
Kyle....you're buff!!!

- Kyle pulls jake off the wall and rips the chains off of his wrists.-

KYLE:
- breathing hard-

well...i'm tired...

- Kyle passes out-

JAKE:

AW CRAP!

- Hairy tackles jake-

JAKE:

AHHHH!!! HELP CHRISTA!!!!

- Christa looks around for a weapon. Christa grabs a human arm and begins slapping Hairy in the back with it.-

CHRISTA: 

Get off of him you cannibal!!!

- Hairy begins gouging out Jake's eyes-

JAKE:

AHHHH! just go Christa!!!I'll hold him off!!!

CHRISTA:

Ok!!!

- Christa grabs Kyle and begins dragging him to a empty back room where there's a big painting of Grandpa Culpepper on the wall-

CHRISTA:

Aw man!!! Where do I go!?

- John bursts through the opposite door in the room.-

JOHN:

THAT'S IT!! YOU'RE ALL DEAD NOW!!!!

- Suddenly GRANDPA HERTEL BREAKS THROUGH A WINDOW holding a hunting knife in a defensive position.-

JOHN:

What the?

GRANDPA HERTEL:

You're not touching anybody, ya knucklehead....

JOHN:

Just....who do you think you are....BREAKING MY WINDOWS!?

GRANDPA:

I'm Hertel Masterson....*****!!!

JOHN:

So...what....do you want me to kill you?

GRANDPA:

Na....I want to kill you..

JOHN:

may I ask why?

GRANDPA:

Because that's my grandson you're trying to kill. and I rather have something with more honor kill him.....like a Kodiac bear....not a cannibal....

KYLE:

No Grandpa.....he's mine

- Hertel looks over John's shoulder and see's  Kyle standing up with a gun. Kyle shoots john in the leg.-

JOHN:

AGGGGGGG!!! MY OTHER LEG!!!

KYLE:

Now look John...I tried to be nice and let you live but now you've caught me at a bad time in my life....i'm really pissed off now....and now I dont really care i'm going to kill you and end all of this..

JOHN:

Well good. Kill me! I deserve to die...i'm a sick minded cannibal. go ahead...pop me one in the head...
.

- Hairy appears behind Kyle with a weed whacker.  Hairy starts up the weedwhacker and hits kyle in the leg with the neck of the weedwhacker. John moves out of the way and points the gun at Kyle.

JOHN:

HAHAHAHAHAHAH! You couldnt kill me!!! YOu don't have enough guts to kill anyone. your worthless. Hairy finish him off and lets gets this over wit....OOF!!!

- Grandpa Hertel tackles John. John and Grandpa hertel begins wrestling around. John kicks Grandpa Hertel off of him. Kyle pulls himself away from Hairy. Hairy looks at Kyle. Hairy backs up and grabs ANOTHER WEEDWHACKER off of the floor and throws it towards Kyle. Kyle looks at it. Grandpa and John go crashing back into the kitchen landing on the table. Grandpa Hertel begins punching John. John stabs Grandpa Hertel in the stomach with a fork-

GRANDPA:

AHHHHHHH!

- Meanwhile Kyle picks the weedwhacker up.-

KYLE:

ah...I see.....you want to end this fair and square. So....you do still have some pride left in your body?

HAIRY:

YOU MINE....BITCH!!!

KYLE:

Is that right. Well if I remember correctly last time....I...

-FLASHBACK TO :

Kyle getting stabbed by Hairy in Hontubby 2-

KYLE:

Well....Okay you rightfully won that one...but...this time Christa isnt going to interfere.  Go ahead and get out of here Christa.

CHRISTA:

no.

KYLE:

CHRISTA! GO!!!!

CHRISTA:

I've been in as much of this crap as you have been in and I want to watch Hairy die...right now..

KYLE:

Well....so be it... are you ready?

- Hairy nods and revs up his Weedwhacker. Both of them get into a fighting position-

KYLE:

GO!!!

- Kyle and HAiry begins fighting with their weedwhackers furiously. Meanwhile Grandpa kicks john off of him into a wall. Grandpa begins throwing ceramic plates at him. John begins dodging them. John catches one and throws it back at him. Grandpa ducks. Scotty runs into the room.

SCOTTY:

Hey Hertel...the rope broke and I..

- The plate crashes right into Scotty's face. Scotty stumble. and holds his face in pain-

SCOTTY:

Damnit!!! MY FACE!!

GRANDPA:

SCOTTY! GO do "Operation Gooberslap"

SCOTTY:
- holding his face in pain-
Oh...okay....are you sure you can handle him?

GRANDPA:

YES!! I CA....

- John runs at Grandpa armed with a steak nife. Grandpa and John go flying off the table to the floor. Scotty runs out. Meanwhile Kyle and Hairy continue to do some crazy crap with the weedwhackers. Kyle blocks Hairy's weedwhacker and hits him in the face with the neck of it.  Meanwhile John runs into the living and grabs a shotgun off of the mantle and points it and grandpa and fires, hitting him right in the leg.-

JOHN:

HAHAHA!!!!! What's up now gramps?

- Grandpa Hertel pulls off his leg and throws it at John hitting him right in the face. John stumbles-

JOHN:

what the hell?

GRANDPA:

That damned horse chewed it right off...

JOHN:

Well...now you have no leg there!!!!!

GRANDPA:

Neither do you....

- Grandpa shoots John with his own shotgun he dropped when grandpa hit him with his fake leg. John's leg goes flying off. John falls to the ground. Grandpa smiles.-

GRANDPA:

You know what. I dont think i'll kill you....this isn't my battle...i've helped all i can..i'm not killing anybody else.

JOHN:

What?

GRANDPA:

My grandson is one tough puppy. I have faith that he'll end all of this.

JOHN:

So what? You're just gonna quit right now?

GRANDPA:

I already have you beat....I want Kyle to finish you off. Trust me.. you guys are done for. You should've never messed with that knucklehead Kyle Vandagriff. It seems he's become the death of you. Me? I've only helped out a little bit.

- Grandpa begins walking out-

JOHN:

So...where you gonna go?

GRANDPA:

im gonna go home and bang my wife...

JOHN:

What if Kyle doesn't kill us?

GRANDPA:

You can come looking for me yourself....and i'll finish you off...I'll finsih you off...with my bare hands.....

- Grandpa's eye twitchs. HERTEL pulls a cigar out of his pocket, lights it up and walks out of the front door. John begins crawling towards where Kyle and Hairy continue to battle. Hairy cuts kyle deeply on the face by the eye.-

KYLE:
AH!

CHRISTA:

KYLEE!!! NOOOO!!!

- Christa goes and starts slapping Hairy. Hairy slaps her. Kyle's eyes widen and he hulks up again. He begans angrily attacking hairy. Hairy blocks off what he cans but Kyle continues to slash him causing blood to go splattering everywhere. Kyle takes Hairy down to one knee Hairy Blocks his face. Kyle goes for the final plunge, but hears a shotgun cock behind him.

CHRISTA:

Kyle.....

- Kyle turns around and see's John holding christa with the shotgun pointed at her head.-

JOHN: 

That's right...it's over now. I found your weakness. You can't do anything without her. Now....Kyle..i'll be willing to let her go...but...it'll cost something..your OWN LIFE.

KYLE:

...don't you shoot her....

JOHN:

I'll only shoot her if you dont do what I say..now get on your knees...

- Kyle hesitates...but gets on his knees and puts his hands on the back of his head.-

CHRISTA:

KYLE! DONT DO IT!!!

KYLE:

Christa..I don't want you to die....and i'm willing to be killed just to know that you will see another day...

CHRISTA:

KYLE! DONT TRUST THEM!!

KYLE:

Well....it's too late...and the plot is getting more confusing by the second...and more and more plot holes are appearing

CHRISTA:

wow...your right! This plot is really screwed up...

JOHN:

That's right...Now Hairy....kill him.

- Hairy revs up his weedwhacker and gets ready to stab him-

KYLE:

Wait....before I go..i'm just wondering...why do you listen to him? 

HAIRY:

HE MY MASTA!

KYLE:

He's no one's master. You dont have to listen to him. Lookat how he has treated to you...

- Hairy is hesitating-

JOHN:

What are you waiting for Hairy!? think of all the bad things he has done to you!!!

- Hairy raises it back up-

KYLE:

Just think back....he always beats you and calls you weak..but you are strong...much stronger then him. You do the cooking the cleaning and the killing yet he still treats you like crap. You don't need him. You don't need to listen to him. Just think of all the times he's beat you for stupid reasons. Think of all the things he has done to screw your life up.

- Hairy hesitates more and starts thinking-

FLASHBACK TO:

	- Hairy as a little kid. Him and a family of his are walking down the road. His father...a well dressed bussiness man and his mother a woman in a flowered dress walk down the road. Hairy is being held by his mother.-

MOTHER:

Honey where are we?

FATHER
-looking at map-

Honeytubby?

MOTHER:

Honeytubby? this place looks pretty deserted to me...

FATHER:

Nonsense! there's a fire right down this road on Dehart lane!

- They walk down the road-

INT. CULPPEPER HOUSE. HAIRY'S FATHER opens the door.

HAIRY'S DAD:

Hello? anyone home?

MOTHER:

Maybe this isnt a good idea...

DAD:

Oh look will just get these guys to help us get our car fixed and go ho....

-Suddenly someone in the shadows hits the dad in the head with a hammer. The dad falls to the ground the mom drops Hairy on his head. Hairy's memories are blurred. All that is heard is a woman's screams and then a odd thud. John's face suddenly appears. A guy that kind of looks like gibbens pops up by John. This is GIBBEN's DAD-

GIBBEN: 

Wanna kill him too?

JOHN:

hmmm.....there's something about him that's just.....so.....evil. He could come in handy!

GIBBENS DAD:

so...we're gonna keep him!!!

JONH:

Yeah...

GIBBENS DAD:

HEY GIBBENS WE GOT YOU A NEW PLAYMATE!!!

JOHN:

Hey kid....you know how to use a weedwhacker? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

END FLASHBACK

	CUT TO:

	- HAIRY. Hairy looks pretty confused. He looks at John and back Kyle.-

JOHN:

WELL WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR YOU GOOBERSUCKER!? KILL HIM!!!!!

- Hairy looks back at john and back at Kyle.-

KYLE:

Do what's right...for once...

- Hairy raises the weedwhacker. Kyle closes his eyes.-

HAIRY:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

- Suddenly HAIRY TURNS THE WEEDWHACKER ON JOHN STABBING JOHN THROUGH THE STOMACH AND PRESSING HIM AGAINST THE WALL PICKING JOHN UP OFF OF HIS FEET AGAINST THE WALL. John looks at Hairy in shock.-

JOHN:

Hairy....yoooooooouuuuuuu IDIOT! Stab him not me!

HAIRY:

no....OO KIWED MAH PAWENTS

JOHN:

Hairy you dont have any parents! I was the only father you ever had. You're nothing without me..

HAIRY:

No....OO WOONGG!!!!!!!!

- Hairy tosses John to the other wall John gets up on one knee holding his head.-

JOHN:

now...no...now hairy...you shouldnt do this. YOU...YOU IDDDDIIIIOOOT! You stabbed me!!! You...if you kill me....then the cops'll come and git you.....do you want that? HUH!?

HAIRY:

Ive been a bad man.......IM SOWWY! YOU MADE ME INTO THIS!!!    YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU IDIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

JOHN:

NO NO!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

- Hairy begins stabbing john multiple times with the weedwhacker. Christa helps Kyle up. Johns screams of pain turn into gurgles. Scotty suddenly runs into the room-

SCOTTY:

KYLE! we gotta go man The house is gonna blow! whoa! Hairy's beating the crap out of john!!!

KYLE:

Yeah...it's an old jedi mind trick to turn them against eachother...wait...THE HOUSE IS GONNA BLOW!?

SCOTTY:

Yes! I already lit the fuse!!! let's go!!!

- Kyle Christa and Scotty begin running out. Hairy looks over to them-

HAIRY:

NO!!!! YOU TRICKED ME!!!!!!

 and begins chasing after them. Suddenly JAKE grabs Hairy. Jake is missing his eys and looks like he's in bad shape. Kyle looks back and see's jake holding Hairy-

KYLE:

JAKE!!!! c'mon!!!!!

JAKE:

GO!!! I'LL HOLD HIM BACK!!!

SCOTTY:

JAKE...YOUR ALIVE!!!!!

JAKE:

Scotty....thanks for the weed man!!!! 

SCOTTY:

Man...Dont do this!!!

JAKE:

GO! I CANT HOLD HIM OFF FOR TOO LONG!!

KYLE:

He's right! lets get out of here!!!

- Kyle, Scotty and Christa run out of the house. Hairy throws Jake off of him. Jake smiles.-

JAKE:

I think we're about to die....bucko.

- Hairy looks as suddenly a huge giant ball of flame bursts into the house

CUT TO:

	EXT. CULPEPPER HOUSE. Kyle Scotty and Christa runout in dramatic fashion as the house explodes. Kyle, scotty and Christa jump in front of the explosions becaus eit looks cool.  Kyle Scotty and Christa stand up as debris falls all over the place Kyle Christa and Scotty stare at the flaming remains of the culpepper house as a part of it collapses to the ground further.-

SCOTTY:

wow......THAT.....WAS......AWESOME!!! Man that one puckered up my butthole!!!

KYLE:

Wow.....it's finally officially over.

CHRISTA:

Yep...this is it...you saved the day once again...stud

- Kyle and Christa kiss-

SCOTTY:

but uh.....technically I set up the explosives and everything...so i'm the real hero you know...uh....guys...

- They continue to kiss.-

SCOTTY:

I'm the hero!!!

- Kyle pushes Scotty away as him and Christa continue to kiss-

SCOTTY:

but....God this sucks!!!

- Scotty pouts. Suddenly something moves in the rubble of the house. Scotty looks. A HAND POPS OUT FROM UNDERNEATH THE WOODEN RUBBLE. A figure crawls out. Scotty looks in horror.-

SCOTTY:

Uh guys....guys....

KYLE:

Scotty! It's over now let me kiss my girlfriend!!!

SCOTTY:

Uh....it's not over yet....

KYLE:

what are you...

- Kyle looks at the rubble as a flaming figure stands up with a weedwhacker in hand. THE WEEDWHACKER IS ON FIRE.-

KYLE:

mother of god...

SCOTTY:

that's my line....

KYLE:

Scotty....quite frankly...I dont give a damn.

- The figure continues walking Kyle, Christa and Scotty stare at him in horror.-

KYLE:

Scotty, if you have anything now would be the time to use it.

SCOTTY:

Well i don't really...

- Scotty feels for something and grabs his grenade. Scotty smiles-

SCOTTY:

yes....YES!!!! YESSS!

- Scotty pulls the pin out with his teeth.-

SCOTTY:

Take this you canniball bastard!!!!!

- Scotty tosses it. The figure stops right in front of it.-

SCOTTY:

GET DOWN GUYS!

- Scotty Kyle and Christa duck covering there ears. suddenly...nothing but smoke begins coming out of the grenade. Scotty peeks and sees there's only smoke..-

KYLE:

.....scotty.....it's....just a smoke bomb..

SCOTTY:

.....awww.....****!!!

- Scotty pulls out his colt .45 and begins shooting at the constantly closer figure.-

SCOTTY:

DIE! DIE! DIIIIEEE!

- Suddenly HAIRY grabs Scotty by the neck and snaps his neck. Scotty stares at him.-

SCOTTY:

What? Your gonna kill me by snapping my neck!? I'm an american hero and your not gonna do me in really gory!? YOU SUCK!!!!!!! THIS IS HOW I END!? BY A BROKEN NECK! You know what screw you!! SCREW YOU!!!!! I'm now dead!!!

- Scotty falls to the ground....DEAD-

KYLE:

SCOTTY!! NOOOOOOOOOO!

CHRISTA:

Kyle....it's time to go...

KYLE:

wait.....

- Hairy walks up to Kyle and looks at him. Hairy is burnt completely and missing a right arm and half of his mask is blown off showing only his skeleton underneath. Hairy looks at him. Hairy hands him his weedwhacker. Hairy smiles at him...or something. Kyle is shocked-

HAIRY:

you.......win......

- Hairy falls to his knees. Kyle moves out of the way as HAIRY FALLS TO THE GROUND ON HIS FACE.....DEAD. IT IS OVER.-

CHRISTA:

is....is he dead?

KYLE:

yeah..It's finally over.

- A chopper suddenly flies over head. Kyle and Christa wave at them. The chopper lands right next to them. A bunch of army guys walk out.-

ARMY DUDE 1:

WHERE'S THE GIANT RABBIT!? I got a bullet with his name on it...

KYLE:

Well...there is no Rabbit...

ARMY DUDE:

What happened?

KYLE:

Well....we just went through.....the HONTUBBY.....WEEDWHACKER....INCIDENT

3. 

ARMY DUDE:

The what?

KYLE:

Nevermind. I killed a bunch of cannibals and I love my girlfriend alot. Take me home. I'll explain later..

ARMY DUDE:

well...alright. Is that Scotty!? My god what happened to him?

KYLE:

-smirking-

He died....a true american hero.

-Kyle salutes Scotty's dead corpse-

KYLE:

Scotty...thanks for everything. I couldn't of done it without you....

ARMY DUDE:

Hey...he's dead. You know that right?

KYLE:

Yeah..

ARMY DUDE:

oo.....kay let's get you out of here. What's the weedwhacker for?

KYLE:
- smirking-

for chopping weeds. 

-kyle smiles at Christa they kiss as

WE ZOOM OUT. THE CHOPPER BEGINS FLYING OUT AS KYLE AND CHRISTA HOLD EACHOTHER LOOKING AT THE FLAMING REMAINS OF THE HOUSE. KYLE HOLDS THE WEEDWHACKER UP HIGH-

KYLE:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

-CREDITS BEGIN ROLLING AS THE HELICOPTER FLIES AWAY INTO THE NIGHT.-

- FADE TO BLACK AS CREDITS ROLL. -

-AFTER THE CREDITS ZOOM DOWN BACK TO SCOTTY. HE'S STILL ALIVE!-

SCOTTY:

GUYS WAIT!!! IM STILL ALIVE!!!!

- Scotty looks around...and see's he's all alone-

SCOTTY: 

guys!? My neck is broke but i'm ALIVE!!! I'M ALIVE!!!

Kyle?

Christa?

- Suddenly A GIANT TREE FALLS ON TOP OF SCOTTY-

SCOTTY: 
-in a groggy voice-
Well....that should do it...

- SCOTTY DIES.-

- CUT TO BLACK.-

THE END

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Writer's message to the readers

Hey! This is Kyle Vandagriff, writer of the Hontubby Weedwhacker Incident Trilogy. Thanks for all the support and help along the way. It's been a fun ride writing these horrific and comedic stories. Now though it's time for me to hopefully move on to bigger and better projects. This isn't the end for these as i'm sure i will go back and revise them many times as times change. 

Thanks for everything

KYLE VANDAGRIFF

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