THE HONTUBBY WEEDWHACKER INCIDENT 2: Family vacation

By:

KYLE VANDAGRIFF

Summary: The psychotic family of cannibals return to chase down Kyle and his girlfriend Christa once and for all. They find them in the Poteau Hospital of Misery as Kyle and Christa prepare to do battle once more for the last time. 

( All characters in this Script are property of me. any names in this story that have the same name is completely coincidental. Hontubby, Walker Mountain, Poteau are all real places and are not my property.)

DISSOLVE INTO:

 The BONES OF A DOG laying in the rising morning sun sun in a ditch. The camera stays on the dog for a few seconds before panning around a barbed wire fence to a OLD GREEN TRUCK that is flipped over and totalled out. In the background we see a semi truck driving off in a hurry. There is nothing but silence until... 

THE DOOR OF THE TRUCK OPENS UP. Out of the truck crawls a bloody JOHN CULPEPPER, who's cowboy hat is still on his head. John stands to his feet and looks around. Camera rotates around behind John to see a silhouette of a man dragging something long and skinny along on the road . As The Silhouette comes closer into frame it is clearly HAIRY SMITHWICK and he's dragging his WEEDWHACKER. Hairy's walks along gloomily.

JOHN:

aw.... no...... Hairy...where are they?

Hairy looks up at John then points behind him, and waves GOODBYE. John falls to his knees and screams in anger!

JOHN:

YOUUUUUUUU IDIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTT!

(John stands up and grabs a handful of ROCKS and tosses them at Hairy. Hairy puts his hands up for cover. John walks towards him. Hairy tries to run away saying "I'm sowwy sir! I'm sowwy sir!" John pushes hairy down Hairy crawls away)

JOHN:

I told you to not let them get away didn't I? DIDN'T I! Do you know what this means? Huh? POLICE! POLICE ARE GONNA COME GET US AND LOCK US UP! Do you wanna be locked up!? HUH!?

HAIRY:

NO SIR! NO SIR!

JOHN: 

WELL THAT'S JUST TOO DAMN BAD NOW! YOU SCREWED IT UP! YOU SCREWED IT ALL UP!

(John looks around.)

And where the hell is Grandpa!?

suddenly down the road we hear a MOTOR coming down the road. John tackles Hairy into the ditch.)

JOHN:

See!? That's probably the cops right now!

(suddenly we hear a familiar voice.)

GRANDPA:

MY EYE! THEY GOT MY EYE ! MAH GOOD EYE! THOSE DAMNED KIDS GOT MY GOOD EYE!

(Grandpa comes cruising down the road in his wheelchair holding his left eye in pain.)

JOHN:

Did ya get em'?

GRANDPA:

HECK NO I DIDN'T GET EM' YOU IDIOT!

JOHN:

Great. Just great.. what are we gonna do now?

(Suddenly, we hear a moan from the vicinity of the truck. John looks over and runs towards the sound. It's GIBBENS, a bloody mess, tangled up in the barbed wire fence missing a LEG.)

JOHN:

Aw, no Gibbens!

GIBBENS:

AH! i...i....I CAN'T FEEL MY LEG, JOHN!

JOHN:

Gibbens....that's because you ain't got no right leg anymore!

(Gibbens looks down and see's he has no right leg and passes out.)

JOHN:

Grandpa...we need tha sewin' kit quickly.

GRANDPA:

You go git your own sewin' kit ya good for nothin piece of crap! You got us in this here mess so you getst us out!

JOHN:

(Sigh)

Fine....the cops'll be comin' before long so we better hurry this up and Get er' done.

GRANDPA:

I'll be ready for dem' cops...as soon as I get a new eye darnit!

JOHN:

No....we'll not ready for em'. We'll never be ready for them there cops and their guns and their Crotch-biting dogs  and those damned annoyin' sirens. Folks, we have nothin' to lose anymore. I say it's time....

(beat)

we take a family vacation.

(HAIRY looks at John with a look of JOY and EXCITEMENT on his face! John, grandpa, and even Gibbens, who seemingly woke up, start LAUGHING EVILLY. Hairy starts his WEEDWHACKER up and raises it high in the air.)

HAIRY:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

CUT TO:

( A happy go lucky country song plays as we cut to..)

TITLE CARD:

The Hontubby Weedwhacker incident 2: Family vacation

(The rest of the credits roll)

FADE TO:

	( POTEAU HOSPITAL OF Misery. MORNING. Morning FOG covers the hospital parking lot. The Poteau Hospital is a small hospital with only two stories and sits by a CLIFF with a huge dropoff. The top story windows are TINTED and the hospital is made of red brick. The ENTRANCE is right in front of the camera. A white car pulls up suddenly into the Emergency parking. The car hits the brakes with a screech. KYLE'S MOM jumps out of the Driver's door and runs around to the passenger door and helps KYLE VANDAGRIFF out. Kyle has his arms around CHRISTA)

KYLE:

Mom, i'm serious I don't need to go to a hospital.

(Kyle looks up at the sign in front of him that says: "Poteau Hospital of Misery: We really care...about your bills." Kyle's face turns into a look of horror)

KYLE:

NO! NO! NO NO NO! I'm not going in there!

KYLE'S MOM:

Honey, you have to.. it's the closest hospital around here.

KYLE:

No...i'm not...

KYLE'S MOM

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU ARE GONNA GO IN THERE OR I WILL RIP OUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR CHEST HAIRS AND RIP YOUR FRIGGIN HEAD OFF YOU DAMNED TEENAGER!!!!!!!

(Kyle and Christa look at her stunned.)

KYLE:

Mom! remember last time I went in here? I went in because of an earache and ended having a catheder get stuck in me!

(christa looks at Kyle in shock.)

CHRISTA:

They stuck a Catholic in you!? It wasn't a priest was it?

KYLE:

A catheder not a catholic.

CHRISTA:

OH! What's a catheder?

KYLE:

Well, you see it's this small wire thingy and they stick it somewhere weird...

CHRISTA:

like your ear?

KYLE:

(chuckling nervously)
No....no....not your ear....not even close... you see..

(Kyle LEANS over and WHISPERS in her ear. Christa looks disgusted.)

CHRISTA:

What's a hoo-haw?

KYLE:

you know, the banana?The BIG dude. Willie Mccrotch?

(Kyle points to his crotch)

CHRISTA:

oo! I love bananas!

KYLE:

(Tearing up)

Brocky did too.

(Kyle starts crying. Christa hugs him)

CHRISTA:

It's all right. He died protecting us.

KYLE:

i know....BUT HE NEVER LEARNED HOW TO READ! WHY GOD WHY!? WHY MUST YOU HAVE CURSED BROCKY WITH AN ILLITERATE DEATH!?

( Kyle continues crying on her shoulder. KYLE'S MOM walks in the hospital and up to the WAITING DESK. The CLERK at the waiting desk nods. Suddenly, 5 MALE NURSES step out of a door beside the waiting desk and go out the front doors.)

KYLE:

HEY WHAT THE..!?

MALE NURSE 1:

Now take it nice and easy dude....we're just gonna...FIRE!

( One of the nurses shoots kyle with a dart gun. another one shoots Christa with one.) 

KYLE:

Sonofa....there's a friggin dart in my neck!

(Kyle LAUGHS and falls over on his FACE. CHRISTA also falls over asleep. The head nurse named SCOTTY, a little OVERWEIGHT with BROWN GRUNGY HAIR in NURSE'S SCRUBS steps in front of everyone else.)

SCOTTY:

Hey, Dammit!  I said drag them in kicking in screaming not fast asleep!

NURSE 3:

sorry sir.....won't happen again sir!

SCOTTY:

Jesus Christ! I can't work under these conditions! I just can't! GYAH!

MALE NURSE 2:

So uhh.... What do we do now?

(SCOTTY lights up a cigarette.)

SCOTTY:

Regis....what do you always do when you take a patient in?

REGIS:

Uhh.....sir, we can't do that in public...

SCOTTY:

Not that, you sick freak! That was a one time thing anyways and I was high on painkillers so drop it! 

REGIS:

So uh...i'm still confused....

SCOTTY:

DRAG THEM INTO A ROOM! DUR!

REGIS:

uh....oh yeah...

 (2 nurses drag Kyle in by the arm while the other two drag Christa in. Scotty stays outside and takes a puff of his cigarette.)

CUT TO:

	( Inside a WOODSHED. GIBBENS lays on a table. The light in the room is an OMINOUS RED. There's assorted JUNK  like bicycle chains, oil cans, wheels, barbed wire laying and HANGING around. John stands in front of gibbens, his hands moving in a constant up and down pattern with a THREAD.)

GIBBENS:

C'MON JOHN! Will ya' Hurry up!

JOHN:

SHUT UP YOUUUU IDIOT! I'm Halfway There. Before long you'll be walking better than Christopher Reeves in a snowstorm..

GIBBENS:

But Christopher Reeves can't walk!

JOHN:

That's my point! 

(John laughs crazily)

He sure could fly though!

(John starts LAUGHING MANIACALLY. John continues laughing maniacally and raises his hands in the air, which are still HOLDING THE THREAD. we hear a loud RIPPPP and a SCRECCHING SCREAM from gibbens. John looks at Gibbens and then looks back at the string.)

JOHN:

YOU IDIOT! YOU BROKE MY STRING!

GIBBENS:

Actually, you broke it, john

JOHN:

SHUT UP YOU FART EATING MAGGOT SUCKING LIVING BREATHING ZOMBIFIED IDIOT SENT BY SATAN TO MAKE MY LIFE MISERABLE! GYAHAHAHAHAHA!!

(John starts poking Gibbens in the face with the sewing needle. Gibbens screams in pain.John laughs evilly....again.)

CUT TO:

	(Kyle as he lazily wakes up in his hospital room. Everything around him is DARK and FOGGY except for an OPEN WINDOW that's blowing the curtains outwards. Kyle looks over to the DOOR  where he sees SOMEONE peering in through the OPEN DOOR. It's BOB from the The first Hontubby Weedwhacker Incident.)

KYLE:

Bob?

(BOB FLOATS AWAY. Kyle gets out of his bed. Kyle is in HOSPITAL CLOTHES. Kyle walks out the door. out side the door the flourescent lights FLICKER all the way down the hallway. at the end of the hallway Bob DRAGS himself down the hallway. Bob is SMOKING A JOINT. The SMOKE he leaves behind makes a HAND pointing for Kyle to follow. Kyle does so. Down the next hallway bob stands in a DOORFRAME with an EXIT sign above it. Kyle runs towards Bob in SLOW MOTION.)

BOB:

Whitey got owned, Kyle...

KYLE:

Bob! Wait up.....uh....dog-a!?

CUT TO:

	(Kyle slamming through the front doors. Kyle looks around.....

A DARK THREE WAY ROAD. In front of him is an OLD STORE and two his left is TWO ABANDONED HOUSES and to his right is a CHURCH that hasn't been used for YEARS. Kyle knows where he is. He's IN DOWNTOWN HONTUBBY.)

KYLE:

Oh....my....God...

 (Kyle has a look of fear on his face as he looks at the OLD RAN DOWN STORE with the faded out crooked letters on the WOODEN SIGN above the entrance of the store that barely is able to make out the name of the store: "The Hontubby Store". To the side in the GRASS we see ROY and LANCE and BILLY BOB jumping rope. Sitting on one of the non-working ancient gas pumps is BOB. Bob inhales his MARIJUANA then exhales all the smoke. Bob is STONED.)

BOB:

1,2....Hairys comin' for you....

(Kyle's eyes widen. Bob starts snickering.)

BOB:

3,4 you better listen to what that old bum says. uh....wait. That doesnt even rhyme, man!...

(Bob starts laughing out loud)

BOB: 

This is awesome, Man! uh...5,6.....uh....pick up sticks or something..

(Bob laughs harder. Bob tries to think)

BOB

uh....whats after six?

KYLE:

(frightened)

7 and 8

BOB:

Oh yeah! 7,8...don't eat your steak.....

(Bob's eye sudden widen and he stops smiling..)

(beat)

BOB:

9,10................never eat.....again.

(Suddenly we hear a motor coming from DEHART LANE. Kyle looks over towards the sound.)

BOB:

Sorry dude, they're back! cyas.

(Kyle looks back at Bob who now has no face and is missing a right leg, with blood pouring from the WOUND.  BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYS as  the OLD GREEN RUSTY FORD TRUCK  pulling out of DEHART LN. With John,Gibbens, Hairy and Grandpa sitting on top in his wheelchair. They look like the BEVERLY HILLBILLIES. Gibbens starts firing at Kyle as Kyle CRASHES into the window of the HONTUBBY STORE.)

JOHN:

YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE WASTIN' MIGHTY GOOD AMMO!

(INT. HONTUBBY STORE. Kyle crawls through the store . Kyle lands on the BONES of the DEAD DOG that were there in part one. Suddenly the bones come ALIVE!)

DOG BONES:

WOOF WOOF! You're gonna die!

KYLE:

HOLY....

(Kyle jumps off of them. Kyle continues backing up. Kyle gets to his feet and flees to the MANAGER'S OFFICE. Kyle hunkers down in the corner. Suddenly from the wall bursts  A WEEDWHACKER! Someone's head bursts through the wall as well. IT'S HAIRY! not no normal Hairy though, IT'S DEMONIC HAIRY.)

HAIRY

(Demonic voice)

WHOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Hairy is about to plunge the weedwhacker into Kyle when .)

QUICK CUT TO:

	(Kyle sits up suddenly in his hospital bed screaming. his hospital room no longer has a dark look to it but now has a warm, joyful look to it. Kyle's mom stands up all the sudden to comfort Kyle. She hugs kyle.)

KYLE'S MOM

It's alright honey...it's alright. just a bad dream. Hey..guess what! I have something that'll cheer you up!

KYLE:

Christa!?

KYLE'S MOM:

NO silly! GRANDPA AND GRANDMA MASTERSON!

(KYLE'S MOM MOVES out of the way. A FLASHBULB goes off and we see a 6'0, 50-ish year old women with FIERY RED HAIR and BIG RED LIPSin very COLORFUL CLOTHING holding a BULKY CAMERA and a 5'5, 50-ish year old man in an OLD GREEN HAT  that says "Kansas City Casino broke me!". The man has a STONE-FACE and is wearing a button-up shirt and wranglers. Completely OPPOSITE of the woman. This is GRANDPA HERTEL and GRANDMA MOODY.)

GRANDMA MOODY:

SUPRISE!

KYLE:

AH!!

(Kyle jumps back under his covers.)

GRANDMA MOODY:

Aw, come on out kyle-boo-boo-shoo-shoo!

(Kyle slowly peeks his head out from under the sheets and is suddenly hit with another FLASH.)

GRANDMA MOODY:

GOTCHA! HAHAHA! That's gonna be a good one, don't you think, Hert?

(Grandpa Hertel GRUNTS.)

(Kyle rapidly sticks his head back under the covers.)

GRANDMA MOODY:

Okay seriously this time.

(Kyle slowly comes out again this time shielding his eye with his hands. when he sees no camera he unshields them.)

KYLE:

Gee, grandpa and grandma, what an.....unexpected suprise! But, a great one nonetheless!

(Kyle give off a fake smile and glances over at his mom.)

GRANDMA:

Aw, I know. we heard our little poopikins was attacked by cannibals and we just had to come see how he was doing. We were so worried! right Hert?

HERTEL:

(Stone faced)

yeah...we were worried sick. How's your grades,boy?

KYLE

Why are you worrying about my grades when I was just attacked by cannibals?

HERTEL:

Well, so what if you were attacked by cannibals? I was chased around oklahoma by 10 wild horses that brutally killed both of my best friends and I lived to tell about it! Had to tear their skin off with my bare hands I tell ya....my own bare hands...

(Hertel's left eye starts twitching..)

GRANDMA MOODY:

Honey, calm down...we don't need you to have any flashbacks..

HERTEL:

Then I ate the skin afterwards...lived off of it for 30 days....30 days of sitting on a tree branch naked...

(Hertel's right eye twitches)

KYLE:

That's....gross. Anyways, I guess my grades are doing ok?

HERTEL:

Well,boy okay isn't gonna cut it ya know..

MOODY:

Oh Hertel quit being such a scrooge! guess what Kylie-wilie!?

KYLE:

(sighs)

What!?

MOODY:

We got a BIG BIG GREAT suprise for you!

KYLE: 

A new 54" widescreen TV?

HERTEL:

Heh, dream on, boy.

MOODY:

even better then that!

(Moody grabs three boxes of presents.)

KYLE:

Yay! presents! i'm sure they are great!

(Kyle glances over to his mom with a sarcastic smile on his face.)

KYLE:

(Sarcastically)

Let's see what's in present number one.

(Kyle opens it up and pulls out some Wrangler tight fit jeans. Kyle sarcastically gasps in joy)

KYLE:

oh...my....god! TIGHT FITTING JEANS! I love Tight fitting jeans!

(Grandma Moody laughs in Joy. Granpa Hertel just sits there and watches. Kyle opens up another present and pulls out a Horrid looking Forest green turtleneck sweater.)

KYLE:

awwwwww...look at this cute forest green turtleneck! isn't it cute MOM!?

(Kyle shows mom it with a large fake smile on his face. Kyle's mom shrugs)

GRANDMA MOODY:

Oh. i knew you'd like it. When i saw that sweatshirt i just suddenly thought "gee, i'm sure Kyle likes green turtlenecks!"

KYLE:

well...you were right..

(kyle laughs)

(under his breath)

wrong..

(Kyle opens up his last present. he pulls out "GIGLI 2" on DVD.)

KYLE:

AW! GIGLI 2...in fullscreen! Twice the fun and enjoyment!

(Kyle look over at his mom and mouths "i hate this.")

Grandma Moody:

Yeah, I knew you'd like that. Grandpa Hertel wanted to buy you some movie called "Battle Monkey 5" or something like that, but I said. "oh no...this movie looks alot better!"

KYLE:

Well, of course. I mean....GIGLI 2 screams out "KYLE" doesnt it! IOh boy, thanks grandma, thanks grandpa, but

(Kyle look at the clock)

KYLE:

Gee, it's almost time for the

(Whispers)

catheder. So you know you might wanna leave..

GRANDMA MOODY:

oh...oh of course honey we'll be in the waiting room. see you later pooperkins!

(Grandma moody give kyle a big kiss on the cheek nearly sucking him into her mouth. Grandma moody and Hertel walk out. Kyle hands the green sweater, tight fitting jeans, and the DVD to mom.)

KYLE:

Throw em' away please.

KYLE'S MOM:

Oh honey. i'll just put them right here for now ok?

KYLE:

phh....whatever.

KYLE'S MOM

You know...I wonder if this entire scene will have any point later on...

KYLE:

Yeah... i wonder..

(Kyle lays his head back down.)

KYLE:

Mom?

KYLE'S MOM

yes honey?

KYLE:

You don't think they'll come after me again do you?

KYLE'S MOM

Oh Kyle, you're in a safe place right now. No one will let some canniballs break into a hospital.

(SOMEONE CRASHES THROUGH THE DOOR. Kyle grabs a NEEDLE beside him and tosses at the man hitting him right in the eye. It's DR. RHEA! )

DR. RHEA

AH! OH NO! NO! NO WAY!

(Dr. Rhea pulls the needle out of his eye. Nurses and other doctors run to his aid.)

DOCTOR:

This man needs forty CC's of Riddilin Stat! Prep him for open heart surgery!

(DR. Rhea is helped out by the nurses and doctors.)

KYLE'S MOM

KYLE WHY DID YOU STAB DR. RHEA IN THE EYE WITH A NEEDLE!? IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN I SWEAR I WILL TAKE YOUR HANDS CHOP THEM OFF AND FEED THEM TO GARY THE BUM!

KYLE:

Sorry mom. I was just...you know scared...

KYLE'S MOM

Oh honey, there's nothing to be scared of. I'm Sure Mr. Gonor Rhea we'll be just fine.

(Down the hall we hear a "WE'RE LOSING HIM!" and another doctor yelling "I told you to cut his heart not his testes!" Dr. Rhea SCREAMS.)

KYLE:

Mom, you got to get me out of this hospital. I mean, they serve their patients generic pop! GENERIC POP, MOM!

KYLE'S MOM:

Oh dear, not...

KYLE:

Yes. Dr. Thunder, Mountain lightning, Roca-cola, Crudweiser. you name it. There isn't one single name brand pop machine in this entire building.

KYLE'S MOM

Alright look. Just stay put for tonight alright? tomorrow we'll get out of here. I promise. Okay?

KYLE:

Alright.

(KYLE'S MOM kisses Kyle on the cheek)

KYLE:

By the way? Where is Christa?

KYLE'S MOM

She's in D-WING.

KYLE:

uh...isn't that wing for pregnant women?

CUT TO:

	( D-Wing. Christa is sitting on the bed as a group of doctor's are sitting around her.)

CHRISTA:

For the last time...I AM NOT PREGNANT!

DOCTOR:

c'mon....PUSH PUSH PUSH!

CHRISTA:

Stop. You're scaring me!

Doctor:

Alright, i've had enough. Prep her for a seasection!

CHRISTA:

(Christa laughs)

It's not a seasection...IT'S AN INTERSECTION!

(Christa continues laughing. The doctor's look at her confused.)

CHRISTA:

And they say i'm stupid! hahaha!

(SCOTTY walks in.)

SCOTTY:

Alright, Christy, how's the baby coming along.

DOCTOR:

She won't pop it out!

SCOTTY:

Huh...that's odd....

CHRISTA:

And by the way, my name is Christa.

SCOTTY:

What?

(Scotty looks at his clipboard and sees the name Christa: A-wing, on his paper.)

SCOTTY:

oh.....uh.....oops.

(Scotty leans over to Regis)

SCOTTY:

(Whispering)

you might want to head over to A-wing...like...right now...

REGIS: 

Why?

CUT TO:

	(A-WING. a HEAVYSET WOMAN is screaming in pain as a LITTLE CHILD with a sling on his arm watches.)

CHILD:

Mommy? Why is she screaming in pain?

MOM:

well, son....you know when I told you about the stork?

CHILD:

Yes

MOM:

well....mommy lied.

(The boy's eye get wide as SQUSHY SOUNDS are heard.)

CUT BACK TO:

	(D-Wing. Scotty looks nervous now.)

SCOTTY:

OH! We are very terribly sorry abouth this screw up ma'm...um....we'll give you a free gift shop gift certificate in return.

REGIS:

 You know, that probably explains why she was so skinny..

NURSE 1:

Yeah, I thought she was anorexic or something.

(Christa looks disgusted at the comment.)

SCOTTY:

Anyways, um, Christa, we'll have someone escort you to A- Wing immediately.

CHRISTA:

I Don't need no escorts! I can walk over there myself.

(Christa heads towards the door opens it up and sees HAIRY with his weedwhacker raised high!)

CHRISTA:

AH!!!! HAIRY!

(Christa faints. The person actually is this giant behemoth of a nurse named " TODD")

TODD:

Gee, am I really that hairy?

SCOTTY:

Please escort...er.... drag miss Rhineheart to A- wing, please. Room 665.

TODD:

Alrighty then, boss.

SCOTTY:

And get me some Dr. Thunder on the way back.

TODD:

Sure thing, boss. Diet Dr. Thunder or regular?

SCOTTY:

They have Diet Dr. Thunder now?

TODD:

Yeah...they also have Crudweiser lite!

SCOTTY:

Wow! Isn't this world great or what!?

(Todd begins dragging her through the doorway.)

CUT TO:

	( An OLD GARAGE DOOR opens. we see the silhouette of a man in a wheelchair, a man with a afro, and a man with a cowboy hat.)

JOHN:

There it is. The family vacation vehicle.

(Camera switches behind John, Hairy, and Grandpa. A GIANT MONSTER TRUCK sits in the shed! The Monster truck is BLACK and on the side is a GRAPHIC of Hannibal lector. Underneath the graphic it says " THE CANNIBAL".)

JOHN:

The Cannibal. 

("Alleghua" plays in the background. Hairy raises his weedwhacker in the air high and let's out a triumphant "WHOOOOOOOO")

GRANDPA:

I tell you i'm not gonna be able to fit in that hunk of junk! I can't believe you even decided to keep this thing after we killed those drunk drivers!

JOHN:

Because i knew that one day we was gonna be needin' it.....and today is the day. Don't worry grandpa....we'll make ya' fit.

(Hairy begins dancing around excited.)

John:

YOU IDIOT!

(John grabs a Rake and starts beating Hairy with it.)

JOHN:

Stop Dancin' around and start this thing up already!

HAIRY:

YESSA! YESSA! WHOOOOOOOO! WHOOOOOOO!

(Hairy climbs into the big monster truck and starts it up. Hairy's eyes light up with joy and he lets out a very triumphant "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!")

JOHN:

YES! YES! IT'S ALIVE! GIBBENS! GET OUT HERE YOUUUUU IDIOT!

SWITCH TO:

	(Camera shot of the door. The screen door bursts open and we see two dirty pair of boots. We pan up and see one very skinny leg, and another very big leg is sewed on. The big leg is pale white. We pan up more and see a big muscular arm that is sewed on and a normal arm. we pan up further and see a even more grotesque face then last time.  One of Gibbens eyes is missing and the only eye he has left is cross-eyed. his mouth is badly curled and burnt and one side of his head has blonde hair. Gibbens smiles a grotesque smile and raises his Hammer high in the air and starts dancing.....badly.)

GIBBENS:

It's Time! It's time! ITS HAMMA TIME!

JOHN:

C'MON YOU BUTT MAGGOT! LETS GET ER' DONE!

(Grandpa whirls around. one of his EYES looks like GIBBENS'S EYE.)

GRANDPA:

HURRY IT UP YOU COCK-EYED IDIOT!

(Gibbens runs towards the garage. Gibbens has a plastic sack with him.)

JOHN:

What's in the sack?

GIBBENS:

Aw, It's a snack. It's some of grandpa's Human jerky. Mighty good eatin' gramps.

GRANDPA:

I dont care how good it is, son! Let's get in that there truck and get on goin' !

(Gibbens climbs in the truck. John looks at Grandpa puzzled.)

JOHN:

now just how are we going to get you in this truck?

(A LIGHT BULB pops above John's head all of the sudden.)

JOHN:

i know!

(The LIGHT BULB falls off and breaks on John head.)

JOHN:

AH! YOU STUPID IDIOT HAIRY! I TOLD YOU TO FIX THIS LIGHT A LONG TIME AGO!

CUT BACK TO:

	(KYLE'S HOSPITAL ROOM. SCOTTY is in there checking Kyle's reflexes.)

SCOTTY:

1...2...

(Scotty hits Kyle's right knee....hard.)

KYLE:

OW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

SCOTTY:

Alright now let's give you an oral exam. Bend over and lift up your skirt.

KYLE:

um.....an oral exam is where you examine the mouth.

SCOTTY:

OHhhhh! So that explains why old Mrs. doodangle sued me for rape!

(Kyle looks at him strangely. Scotty pulls out a popsicle.)

SCOTTY:

Say ah!

KYLE:

Dude, you're supposed to just have a stick not a posicle with it. God this hospital sucks. 

SCOTTY:

oh. OH! NO YOU DONE IT NOW HOME BOY! YOU CROSSED THE LINE THAT SHOULDN'T EVER HAVE BEEN CROSSED! YOU JUST TICKED OFF THE WRONG NURSE, MAN! YOU TICKED OFF THE HEAD NURSE. Now...just for that....I'm gonna give you....AN ANAL EXAM!

(Scotty sticks the popsicle in his mouth and pulls out a flashlight.)

SCOTTY:

Say AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Kyle stares at Scotty like he is a idiot.Suddenly, in bursts KYLE'S MOM.)

KYLE'S MOM:

Good god Kyle you're right. Everything in this hospital is generic..

(Kyle's Mom sees Kyle and Scotty.)

KYLE'S MOM

Oh, did i interrupt something? i'm sorry!

KYLE:

No mom. The nurse was just about to leave. Right?

(Kyle gives SCOTTY an angry glare)

SCOTTY:

yeah, of course. I just...uh...had to give him a quick check up you know

KYLE'S MOM:

Of course.

(Scotty walks out the door and mouths off something to Kyle. Scotty flips him off and walks out.)

KYLE'S MOM:

Well, he seems nice.

KYLE:

yeah, sure.

KYLE'S MOM:

But you know honey, those male nurses are kind of.. *Cough* gay *cough*

KYLE:

Ben Stiller was a male nurse in Meet the Parents but he isn't gay.

KYLE'S MOM

Oh but did you catch how he was flirting with Robert DeNiro in the special backstage features?

(KYLE has a flashback of BOB in History class)

BOB:

YOU GOT OWNED!

(flashback to reality)

KYLE:

I got owned...white boy.

(Kyle starts crying. Kyle's mom goes to comfort him)

KYLE:

Those cannibals killed my best friends. I'm not going to let them get away with this!

KYLE'S MOM:

Honey! The police are on it! don't worry!

KYLE:

Screw the police! They're probably just lounging around the crime scene doing nothing but smoking their cigars and eating donuts!

KYLE'S MOM:

Honey i'm sure they are doing more than that.

CUT TO:

	(EXT.DOWNTOWN HONTUBBY. AFTERNOON. The afternoon sun is blaring in the sky. We see two police cars around the flipped over truck. We zoom in and See OFFICER MARY smoking a cigar, and two other officers eating donuts.)

OFFICER 1:

So, uh, Mary, what do we do?

OFFICER MARY:

I don't know. why don't you search the truck for drugs or something?

OFFICER 2:

But shouldn't we be looking for those cannibals or something?

OFFICER MARY:

Hey...is this your case or mine? It's mine! so what we are going to do is wait here until we get called back to the office and say all we found was a flipped over truck and no one in it. Jesus Christ. I told those punk kids to watch their friggin selfs. Especially that damned Kyle.

(Officer Mary's right eye twitches at the mention of Kyle.)

OFFICER 1:

geez, you really hate that kid don't ya?

OFFICER MARY:

Well,  he's the one that photoshopped a fake picture of me and Paris Hilton doing bad stuff and blew up a giant poster and put it over the Bank wall!

(The officers look at eachother)

OFFiCER 1:

Actually....uh... that was us.

(Officer mary's eyes flare up)

OFFICER MARY:

WHAT!?

(Officer Mary tosses her cigar down angrily and stomps right into the face of officer 1)

OFFICER MARY:

DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME...THAT YOU DID ALL OF THAT!?

OFFICER 1:

Well, it wasnt all us two...

OFFICER MARY:

Then who else!? *pause * WHO ELSE!?

OFFICER 2:

(sigh)

it was the whole squad.

(OFFICER MARY grabs officer 1 by the shirt collar.)

OFFICER MARY:

If i wasnt a cop i'd kill you right now, but you know what, when you actually DO die...i'll laugh right in your dead face and say "WHO'S BISEXUAL NOW!"

(The officers look confused)

OFFICER 2:

uh....what does being dead have to do with our sexuality?

OFFICER MARY:

SHUT UP YOU STUPID IGNORANT ASHTON KUTCHER WANNABE! YOU DON'T QUESTION MY AUTHORITY! YOU WILL RESPECT MA AUTHORITAH!

(We suddenly hear the sound of an engine.)

OFFICER 2:

What the?

OFFICER 1:

Wow....sounds like someone has a Hemi...

  (The two officers and Officer Mary look down Dehart Lane and see a MONSTER TRUCK heading right for them! Officer Mary jumps out of the way and the TWO OFFICERS are left staring at the headlights of the truck as it ramps over the TRUCK and DECAPITATES them both! "The beverly Hillbilles" theme plays in the background as we see GRANDPA  tied on to the hood of the monster truck like Granny Clampet and Gibbens in the truck bed banging on the roof of the truck laughing! GRANDPA is screaming wildly telling john to let him down. The truck TURNS sharply down the road towards Heavener as John lets out a huge YEEHAW! Officer Mary stands up and looks at the two decapitated officers in shock. Then suddenly...)

OFFICER MARY:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  WHOS BISEXUAL NOW!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Officer Mary grabs her CB and changes her facial emotions.)

OFFICER MARY:

I need backup! two officers down! Two officers down! Hontubby! The cannibals did it and are heading in the direction of.. 

(Suddenly...Mary gets a wicked smile on her face.)

MARY:

In the direction of LOVINGS! Oh god this is terrible! help!

(Mary clicks her CB off and smiles a huge grinch like smile)

MARY:

Time to teach that little worm from hell Kyle a little lesson. Don't Mess....WITH THE BREASTS!

(mary pushes her breasts up. Mary jumps in her police car and we hear some weird "soothing" music play as she drives away leaving the two dead bodies.)

CUT TO:

	(CHRISTA'S HOSPITAL ROOM. Christa is laying in her hospital bed with her parents surrounding her. Her mom has short blonde hair and her dad has short brown hair.)

CHRISTA'S DAD:

See, honey! I told you you shouldnt be hanging out with that punk, Kyle!

CHRISTA'S MOM:

Yeah, that Kyle is bad news. Do you know what kiond of grades he makes!? B's! B's CHRISTA!

CHRISTA:

So what! I love him and he saved my life. If it wasnt for him i'd be dead right now!

CHRISTA'S MOM:

Christa, he only wants you for attention! A punk teenager like that only uses you so he can brag to his friends about how he's going out with a hot cheerleader.

CHRISTA:

No he doesnt! we've been going out for 7 months now and not once has he ever tried to use me as a source of attention

CHRISTA'S DAD:

How do you know? He probably wants you for your body honey!

CHRISTA:
NO he doesnt. If he only wanted me for my body then he wouldnt of saved me! God, you guys are so naive. Stay out my life!

CHRISTA'S MOM!

Why don't you go out with Flash Jackson!? He's a nice football player. and he makes A's.

CHRISTA:

No! I don't like Flash. HE would want me for my body.

CHRISTA'S DAD:

Naw he wouldn't. He's a nice Christian boy!

CHRISTA:

So is Kyle. Why are you so anti-Kyle?

CHRISTA'S MOM..

(Sigh)

Because he doesn't wear Abercrombie and Fitch. I just can't trust someone who doesn't wear Abercrombie and Fitch.

(Christa stares at her mom strangely)

CHRISTA:

Mom, it doesnt matter what kind of clothes he wears, he's a very nice guy. you should really get to know him. you'd like him!

CHRISTA'S MOM

(Sigh)

Honey, i hope that one of these days you'll see Kyle for who he truly is. A Selfish , perverted pig!

CHRISTA'S DAD

Yeah...stupid perverts and their raging hormones...

CHRISTA:

um.. Dad, wasn't it you who got arrested for falling into the women's bathroom trying to peep in on a girl?

CHRISTA'S DAD:

Now honey, you know I was just trying to fix the plumbing..

CHRISTA:

Plumbing is underground dad...

CHRISTA'S DAD:

I said A.C you know. the Air Conditioner. Anyways, if I didnt do that I wouldn't of met your mom and we wouldn't of reproduced and had you!

(christa looks disgusted. Christa's mom and dad smile at eachother lovingly.)

CHRISTA'S MOM:

Honey...uh...we're gonna go home now and feed our dog so you'll be alright....

CHRISTA'S DAD:

Yeah you'll be feeding the dog alright.....

CHRISTA:

Uh.....we don't have a dog..

(Christa's mom and dad starts kissing and hugging all the way out the door. Christa looks disgusted.)

CHRISTA:

Great...now they're gonna go reproduce...

CUT TO:

	(Kyle is switching through the channels on his TV. He stops at MTV and we see a video playing with women shaking their rears in thongs, some black dude with tons of "bling bling" on around his neck,wearing gold plated sunglasses, driving in a Merceds Benz. He runs over a white dude who is dancing very badly, gets out, and start shooting him. This is all going on while "Whitey got owned" plays in the back ground. Kyle turns his head away from the TV and turns the channel. It's on the Beverly hillbillies.)

( The image of the Beverly Hillbillies in their truck with granny sitting in the chair on top FADES OUT into THE CANNIBAL monster truck with grandpa on top in his wheelchair Gibbens slapping the hood out of  joy in the back, John in the passenger seat, and Hairy doing the driving.)

GIBBENS:

WE'RE GOIN ON VACATION! WERE GOIN ON VAQCATION! WERE GOIN ON VACATIO...

JOHN:

Stop the truck...

(HAIRY suddenly stops the truck sending Gibbens flying out in front of them. John sticks his head out the window.)

JOHN:

NOW SHUT UP! YOUUUU IDIIIOT!

(Gibbens gets up and moans and climbs back in the back and sits down calmly. The truck passes a sign labelled POTEAU. The sun is beginning to set.)

CUT TO:

	(SCOTTY walking down the flourescent lit halls. Scotty is whistling, swinging a set of keys around his fingers. Scotty gets to a door and unlocks it, looking around suspiciously. Scotty enters a room a goes through some files. Scotty pulls out a file labelled BART MCDONALD'S and below it, it says DIAGNOSIS: Heart disease, SOLUTION: Open Heart surgery. Scotty looks satisified and takes the papers out of BART's Folders and switches them with KYLES! Scotty gets an evil grin on his face.)

SCOTTY:

This should teach Kyle not to mess... WITH THE BREASTS!

(Scotty lifts his Man boobs up and walks away evilly smiling whistling the theme song of Halloween. Another one of the nurses we saw is walking in the other direction. we'll say his name is ROB. He has Jet black hair and has a striking resemblance to Ben Stiller.)

ROB:

Goin home Scott meister. Don't give someone the wrong diagnosis while i'm gone and make some guy have to have heart surgery!

(Rob laughs)

(Scotty points his fingers like guns at ROB)

SCOTTY:

Allrighty then!

(under his breath)

Too late.

(Scotty walks past the camera and the camera follows rob.)

CUT TO:

	(Outside of the hospital. SUNSET. The sun is almost all the way down. We see Rob walk out of the hospital fumbling with his keys.)

ROB:

(singing)

Like a surgeon! OW! cuttin' for the very first time....like a suuuurrrrrgeon...got your kidneys....on my mind..

(Rob walks up to an old piece of crap car. he sticks his keys in the door but they slip out. Rob leans down to pick him up and when he gets back up HEADLIGHTS are heading straight for him. Rob looks at the MONSTER TRUCK heading right for him in shock!)

ROB:

GOOD GOD!

 Rob dives out fo the ways as a loud WHOOOOOOOO! is heard coming from the truck as it FLIPS over sideways running right into Rob's car making it blow up for some reason. Rob falls down to the ground.)

ROB:

DAMMIT! my 100 dollar car! 

( Rob gets back to his feet. The monster truck's front has smoke pufffing out of it. There's not a sound coming from the inside of it.

ROB:

Alright sucka. you best be getting on out. I was born on the streets of brooklyn and I know how to fight.

(Rob fiddles in his pockets and pulls out a bottle of MACE. ROB walks closer to the truck. Rob peers inside. SUDDENLY from behind we hear a loud SHOTGUN BLAST and see ROB'S instestines go flying out everywhere in front of the camera.)

ROB:

What the..

(ROb looks down and see's he's missing a stomach.)

ROB:

aw crap......you know mysterious killer this really sucks having my stomach blown off. Now how am i supposed to digest food?

(Suddenly half of Robs head is blown off! we still see his mouth moving.)

ROB:

Alrighty then. You win. I'm dead

(Rob falls down dead. behind him we see GIBBENS with a shot gun laughing.)

CUT TO:

	(KYLE'S ROOM. Kyle sits up all of the suddens he hear some voices outside his door. he listens as he hears two nurses talking.)

NURSE 1:

I dunno. They just found his body with a huge hole in his stomach and half of his head outside.

NURSE 2:

Anything else?

NURSE 1: 

A flipped over Monster Truck. It had the name "The Cannibal" on the side of it.

*beat*

(Kyle's eyes widen. He tries to sit up in his bed but notices he has restraints securing him to his bed. We zoom out and see SCOTTY sitting on the bed beside Kyle smiling evilly.)

KYLE:

What the heck is going on Scotty!? Let me out of these things,you pig!

SCOTTY:

HEY! I'M NOBODY'S PIG, FOOL!

KYLE:

SCOTTY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET ME OUT! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

SCOTTY:

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING,VANDAGRIFF! I have a degree in nursing! See!

(Scotty holds up a diploma that says " Degree in PLUMBING")

KYLE:

That says degree in plumbing...

SCOTTY:

Oh...crap. Wrong one.

(Scotty pulls out a piece of paper that says "Degree in nursing".)

SCOTTY:

See, Degree in nursing!

KYLE:

Dude. It's just a piece of paper that says Degree in nursing in poor handwriting.

SCOTTY:

Yeah, well. I went to a community college and they ran out of diploma paper...or something..

KYLE:

riggggght. NOW LET ME OUT, CON ARTIST!

SCOTTY:

I'm afraid I can't do that Vandagriff. You're scheduled for open Heart surgery right about...

(We hear a ding in the background.)

SCOTTY:

Now.

(Suddenly a horde of male nurses march in similar to how the medics march in on a cartoon. They cart Kyle away as Scotty pulls a bag of popcorn out of the microwave and starts chomping on it laughing evilly, spitting popcorn out everywhere. Scotty gets choked on the popcorn, hits himself in the crotch and spits it out. Scotty falls down in pain.)

CUT TO:

	(Waiting room. This whole scene looks strangely similar to the RECEPTION DESK area at the psychiatric hospital in "TERMINATOR 2". A MALE NURSE walks out of one of the doors leading to the emergency rooms. In the background we see Kyle screaming as nurses wheel him down. The Male nurse is the twin brother of Rob named ROGER. )

ROGER:

Geez, it's already a crazy night eh, Alice?

ALICE:

Sure is. We had 6 patients die in the east wing.

ROGER:

but that's the X ray wing.

ALICE:

Exactly. Seems that someone left the Xray machine on too long and burned the kids alive. Whoever works the X rays over there needs to learn how long to put it on.

ROGER:

Geez, your supposed to put them in front  the X-ray one at a time! You know. I think my brother works at the X ray wing. Geez, just wait till we get home. I'm gonna kill him.

(ROGER walks down a hallway out of alice's view. ROGER stops by a vending machine. ROGER is whistling the star trek theme song. Roger pushes a few buttons. Slowly behind him we see a figure raise up...WITH THE FACE OF ROB ON IT! ROGER pulls out a Reese's from the vending machine and opens the package up. ROGER looks at the inside of the package with shock.)

ROGER: 

HAHAHA! I WON A MILLION DOLLARS ALICE! HOLY CRAP! THIS IS GREAT!? Alice? Alice?

(Roger turns around and see's ROB'S Face.)

ROGER:

Well hey hey Rob! 

(Roger looks at Rob up and down.)

Geez, you're looking kind of banged up. What happened? Did those 6 kids come back alive and attack you?

("ROB" raises his right arm that has a WEEDWHACKER in it and points it at Rob's stomach.)

ROGER:

Uh....rob....what are you doing with a weedwhacker?

"ROB"

I'm aimed ta kill you wit it....

(Suddenly the WEEDWHACKER STARTS UP sending the weedwhacker through ROGER'S STOMACH with guts flying everywhere! Roger looks at his stomach.)

ROGER:

oh...

(Roger slumps down dead leaving a giant blood stain on the vending machine. "ROB" pulls off his face revealing it's *gasp* HAIRY!)

HAIRY: 

WHOOOOOOOOOO!

FADE TO:

	(CLOSE UP ON KYLE'S EYES as the "Whooooo" continues echoing. his eyes widen.)

KYLE:

THEY'RE HERE!

DOCTOR:

Oh good god he's going into shock! pull out the shocker things!

KYLE:

NO!!!!

(Kyle starts fidgeting around trying to escape the restraints to get out..)

KYLE:

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THE CANNIBALS! THEY'RE BACK!

QUICK CUT TO:
	
	(a HAND  opening up the BREAKER BOX to the hospital)

CUT BACK TO:

	(SURGERY ROOM;  SCOTTY comes into view with the "shocker thingys".)

SCOTTY: 

Don't worry,doc. I got this...

KYLE:

SCOTTY, I swear to God you'll regret it!

SCOTTY:

I have no idea what you are talking about. I'm just a nurse... and..I care about my patients...Now...CLEAR!

QUICK CUT TO:

	( The Breaker box. A Shotgun blasts it to pieces.) 

CUT BACK TO:

(SURGERY ROOM. The "shocker thingys" are on his chest and Kyle is wincing in pain as the lights go off. Kyle opens up one of his eyes. it's completely dark.)

REGIS:

uh....it's kinda dark..

SCOTTY:

Thank you again, Captain Obvious!

KYLE:

GOOD GOD LET ME OUT! THEY'RE HERE FOR ME! I HAVE TO GET CHRISTA!

SCOTTY:

Hey, you're not going nowhere buddy. so why don't you just.....SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!!!!

Doctor: 
Hang on i have a flashlight!

(we hear some rustling around and suddenly a yellow beeam of light. We see Scotty, the doctor, Regis and another disposable female nurse.

SCOTTY:

Gyah! it's friggin' bright!

DOCTOR:

Well it's better than nothing...now let's continue the surgery!

(We hear something fall over behind them.)

FEMALE NURSE:

Wait...what was that?

KYLE:

Oh..god...

(Kyle reaches for a knife on the utensil plate)

REGIS:

Maybe it was a cat..

SCOTTY:

maybe it's ......SHUT THE HELL UP! God I swear you have to be the most idoiticest guy i've ever seen!

(Suddenly, the Doctor's flashlight dims out.)

SCOTTY:

What the?

DOCTOR:

Battery's are dead

FEMALE NURSE:

This is sooooo cliche..

SCOTTY:

What?

FEMALE NURSE:

You know...the flashlight always runs out of batterys right before someone di...

(Suddenly we hear a gurgling sound and a dull thud on the floor.)

SCOTTY:

What the heck?

(The DOCTOR BANGS ON THE Flashlight a little more suddenly the light comes on. WE SEE HAIRY HOLDING THE FEMALE NURSE DECAPITATED HEAD FROM THE BEAM OF LIGHT. HAIRY has on BOB's old face, which is starting to deteriorate)

HAIRY:

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SCOTTY:

MOTHER OF GOD!!!!

(HAIRY plunges the WEEDWHACKER INTO THE DOCTOR'S STOMACH! The flashlight falls to the ground going out leaviong the room completely dark. STRUGGLING is heard.)

SCOTTY:

I GOT HIM! I GOT HIS LEG!

REGIS:

uh...That's my Crotch Scotty.

SCOTTY:

OH GOOD GOD! 

( A DOOR OPENS. Suddenly the emergency lights come on. We see Hairy standing up and Scotty crouched in the corner with his thumb in his mouth and KYLE running out the door. Hairy turns towards the door then turns towards Scotty. He repeats this two more times before starting up his weedwhacker and heading out the door all while screaming "WHOOOOOO".)

SCOTTY:

Good god....I gotta get out of here!

(Scotty starts slowly crawling for the door when he feels someone touch his leg! Scotty jumps only to see it's REGIS.)

SCOTTY:

HOLY MOTHER OF SWEET JESUS IN HEAVEN!!! Dammit Regis!

REGIS:

what the freak just happened?

SCOTTY:

........****.....**** happened........literally.....C'mon Reg, let's get out of here!

REGIS:

uh....okay. Shouldn't we mourn for the dead people though..

SCOTTY:

Dude, no...We have no time to mourn! we've been in a traumatic event! Let's get out of here!

CUT TO:

	(KYLE'S HOSPITAL ROOM. Kyle runs in and turns on the lights. Kyle starts pacing back and forth)

KYLE:

Oh God what do I do! We're all gonna die!!! 

(Kyle sits down and takes a deep breath)

KYLE:

Alright, Kyle, just chill out and think. Think....what would Jesus do?

( A thought bubble pops up over Kyle's head. JESUS  is armed with a machine gun and shooting HAIRY with it!)

JESUS:

DIE SATANIC CANNIBALS!

(A blind man walks in)

BLIND MAN:

Ah! I'm blind! SAVE ME JESUS!

(Jesus puts his hands on the blind mans eyes and he can see again.)

BLIND MAN:

whoa! Gnarly, man! I can see!

JESUS:

You're welcome my child...

( Jesus commences to shooting Hairy. Thought bubble dissapears)

KYLE:

or....how about.

(Thought bubble pops up. SCOTTY IS DANCING IN A G STRING!)

SCOTTY:

My loneliness...IS KILLING ME! And I must confess...I STILL BELIEVE!!! STILL BELIEVE!

(Thought bubble quickly dissapears as Kyle shakes his head in disgust.)

KYLE:

That's it.......It's time to finish these damned dirty cannibals off. Now....first things first...it's time for some new rags...

(Kyle looks towards his GREEN TURTLENECK SWEATER and his TIGHT FITTING JEANS. Kyle tilts his head with a disgusted look on his face..)

QUICK CUT TO:

	( KYLE'S HOSPITAL ROOM DOOR.  Kyle KICKS it open. Kyle is looking very sexy in his green turtleneck and his tight fitting wrangler jeans.  Kyle walks out slowly and cautiously. UNNESECCARY BUTT SHOT is inserted here. KYLE runs towards the RECEPTION DESK and strolls through some papers until he finds the name he is looking for. CHRISTA RHINEHART- ROOM 665.)

CUT TO:

	(CHRISTA'S ROOM. Christa is laying in her bed watching " Fat Albert" from the sounds of it.)

TV:

FAT ALBERT YOU SO CRAZY!

SHUT UP FOO'!

(Gunshots and screams are heard are heard from the TV. THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN SUDDENlY! Christa screams.)

CHRISTA:

Stay away Fat Albert!

(Christa throws her dinner tray at KYLE hitting him in the head. Kyle FALLS)

KYLE:

Ah! What the heck!?

CHRISTA:

OH MY GOD! Kyle, i'm so sorry...

KYLE:

I'm alright.

(Kyle STANDS UP and wipes himself off.Christa looks him up and down)

CHRISTA:

Whoa Kyle....you look.....STRANGELY EROTIC!

(Kyle raises his eyebrow in confusion.)

KYLE:

Uh......yeah. Anyways we need to get out of here like.....right now...

CHRISTA:

Why?

KYLE:

(beat)

They're back...

(Christa's eyes get wide...)

CHRISTA:

Oh Jesus God no..... NOT THE JACKSON 5!

KYLE:

No....not the Jackson 5....The 4 Cannibals!

CHRISTA:

Oh Jesus God no...

KYLE:

Oh Jesus God yes....Let's go..

(Christa jumps out of her bed...but she has her NORMAL CLOTHES on.)

KYLE:

Hey, why didnt you get a hospital nighty?

CHRISTA:

I don't know? was I supposed to get one?

KYLE:

(Sigh)

Stupid gay hospital. Anyway's lets go.

(Kyle grabs Christa's hand and they run out the door.)

CUT TO:

EXT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY. Kyle and Christa are sneaking up against the walls slowly and cautiously. They turn  and enter the HOSPITAL LOBBY. The entrance doors are in front of them.

KYLE:

Alright. Let's get out of here.

CHRISTA:

Whoa whoa whoa! Wait! You're just going to leave them here to slaughter a bunch of innocent people?

KYLE:

Well, no one is here that i care about! My mom's gone out to get some REAL soda, Grandma and Grandpa are over at our house...and..you're parents?

CHRISTA:

Oh, they left awhile ago too. 

KYLE:

Well then...see? Who else do we care about in this hospital? NOBODY. So let's split.

-KYLE goes to open the LOBBY DOOR. THEY ARE LOCKED.-

KYLE:

Oh...great...just great. Do you really think locking the doors can stop me!? HUH!? Guess i'll have to open this door Hodgen redneck style.

-INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS as Kyle gets in a running stance. KYLE RUNS TOWARDS THE GLASS LOBBY DOOR WHILE LETTING OUT A GIANT YEEHAW AND.....bounces off of it and falls back to the ground. Christa runs to Kyle's aid.Kyle is moaning in pain.-

CHRISTA:

Are you all right?

KYLE:

The milk comes from the Hulk Hogan worshippers of north dakota who sacrifice goats to the uber-goat in the sky!!

CHRISTA:

Yeah I know that! But are you all right?

KYLE:

THAT'S NOT A RABBIT! IT'S A BOMB!

-CHRISTA punches Kyle in the face-

KYLE:

Ugh! What the?

CHRISTA:

Sorry Kyle. You were saying things that sounded like the dialogue from Gigli!

KYLE:

Yeah...i'm glad we have good dialogue...

-Kyle stares into the camera-

KYLE:

Let's go Christa.

CHRISTA:

k..

KYLE:

(Stone faced)

Wait, where are we going? Why have i been brought here? What is my point?

CHRISTA:

(Stone faced)

I do not know.

KYLE:

(KYLE shakes his head)

good god. Our dialogue is sounding like that from The Matrix!  Let's rewind and start from the beginning..

CHRISTA:

Yeah...let's do this thing Pulp Fiction Style

REWIND back to after Kyle bounces off of the door. Kyle is groaning in pain.

CHRISTA:

Man, Kyle. What in the ***** ***** Was all that bull **** about you ******** idiot!?

KYLE:

You know what they call a Quesedilla in france?

CHRISTA:

I don't know man! What?

KYLE:

La Quesidilla

CHRISTA:

No ****? man! That is some ***** up ****! you're all **** up man!

CHRISTA pulls out a gun and shoots Kyle in the FOOT

KYLE:

AH WHAT THE MOTHER ***** ***** *********** ************* ** *** * **** *** MOTHOR OF GOD!

CHRISTA:

Hey man, you were talking all philosophical and **** and it cofused the **** out of me and it made my Right atrium in my brain hurt!

KYLE:

Your right atrium is in your heart...

CHRISTA:

oh it is?

KYLE and CHRISTA Snap out of it.

KYLE:

What are we doing Christa? we have to find a way out of here!

CHRISTA:

Well...um....why don't you try to throw yourself through the glass!?

KYLE:

I just tried that...Remember?

CHRISTA:

Oh yeah!

KYLE:

I know....THE ROOF! THE ROOF!

CHRISTA:

THE ROOF IS ON FYA! WE DON'T NEED NO WATER CAUSE I'LL PUT IT OUT!

CHRISTA breaks out in a dance...

KYLE:

Uh...Christa...stop please.

CHRISTA:

Did I dance sexy to you?

KYLE:

You always dance sexy....you look liked you...floated like a butterfly...and....stung like a bee...

CHRISTA:

Isn't that The Rock's catchphrase?

KYLE:

uh...no. it's actual Muhammed Ali.

CHRISTA:

OHH! He blew up the twin Towers!

KYLE:

No...that's Bin Laden...anyways let's

-SUDDENLY the WALL beside them bursts open and GRANDPA STANDS UP TRIUMPHANTLY-

KYLE AND CHRISTA:

AH! GRANDPA!

GRANDPA:

YES SIREE BOB It's Grandpa ole kid! And now...it's time to put two little piggies OUT on the market! HAHAHAHAHA!

KYLE:

Whoa.....that was incredibly corny...but nonetheless...RUN!!!

-CHRISTA and KYLE break out in a run the way they came towards The ELEVATOR at the end of the hallway. Grandpa is backflipping his way down the hallway in Hot pursuit.Christa starts pushing buttons as quickly as possible.-

KYLE:

You keep pushing buttons i'll hold off Grandpa!

-Grandpa is still backflipping. Grandpa lands FEET FIRST in front of Kyle. Kyle sidekicks grandpa in the face. MATRIX STYLE ROTATING FREEZE SHOT as Kyle kicks Grandpa in the face. UNFREEZE as grandpa falls to the ground. Grandpa stands back up. His nose is bleeding!-

GRANDPA:

AH! MY GOOD NOSE!

KYLE:

Actually that's your only nose.

GRANDPA:

GAH! I hate smartelic hoodlums! DIEEEEEEEE!

- Grandpa RUNS towards Kyle. Kyle moves out of the way. Just at that moment the elevator door opens and HAIRY is standing inside with his WEEDWHACKER raised high in the air just about to let out a giant scream when Grandpa is thrown into him.They go crashing down inside the elevator.-

CHRISTA:

uhh.... you sure you want to use the elevator, Kyle?

KYLE:

Dangit....let's find a fire exit!

- KYLE and CHRISTA bolt off in the other direction past the HOSPITAL LOBBY down the other hall which leads to B- Wing...also known as the FIRE INJURY WING. At the end of the Fire injury wing there's a big door that says FIRE EXIT above it in red letters.-

CHRISTA:

Hey look! that door says something!

KYLE:

It says fire exit! Let's go for it!

- KYLE and CHRISTA run down toward the DOOOR and open it up. an ominous RED LIGHT shines inside. a flight of stairs goes upwards to the second floor. -

KYLE:

Let's go!

- A evil laugh is heard. from under the flight of stairs we see a man in a BROWN FEDORA HAT and a striped green and red shirt. It's not FREDDY KRUEGER....but it's a guy who looks a lot like him. His face is badly burnt and he has claws on his right hand made out of needles.-

CHRISTA:

AH! MICHAEL JACKSON!

"FREDDY":

-EVIL LAUGH-

Welcome to MY wing, B****!

KYLE:

Oh my god..

-FREDDY holds up a picture of Jesus-

FREDDY:

THIS......is God...

-EVIL LAUGH-

-FREDDY runs towards KYLE. Kyle moves out of the way and "FREDDY" goes slamming into a wall. Kyle grabs a fire extinguisher and sprays freddy with it Freddy cover his face..-

FREDDY:

AH! I'M MELTING! GYAAAAAAH! I'm Just an innocent burnt victim! How could you!

- Kyle goes to help him. FREDDY POPS BACK UP-

FREDDY:

BOO! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

- Freddy goes to stab Kyle with the NEEDLE FINGERS but kyle does an Arm drag move throwing FREDDY through the FIRE EXIT GLASS DOOR. "Freddy" stands up and sees HAIRY and GRANDPA coming right towards him.-

FREDDY:

what the?

- Hairy plunges his weedwhacker into "Freddy's" stomach.

FREDDY:

HA HA! Luckily i'm indestructible! Wait a second....

- "Freddy dies". Kyle and Christa continue running up the stairs. HAIRY goes to follow but granpda GRABS him by the arm.-

GRANDPA:

Wait a second Hairy! This is amazing!

- Hairy tilts his head in confusion. Grandpa points at "Freddy"-

GRANDPA:

IT'S A PRE-COOKED MEAL!

- Grandpa laughs insanely at his own joke. Hairy starts laughing with him and pulls out a knife.-

CUT TO:

	SCOTTY AND REGIS sneaking against a wall slowly. 

REGIS:

Uhh......what are we doing?

SCOTTY shushes Regis

SCOTTY:

be quiet! We're trying to sneak out of here, dammit!

SCOTTY shuffles around in his scrub pockets

SCOTTY:

CRAP! do you have any cigarettes Regis?

REGIS:

Shoot, I got something better then cigarettes!

SCOTTY:

You got some Chewin' tobacco!?

REGIS:

Uh...no....but close.

REGIS pulls out a bag of WEED. Scotty's eyes light up

SCOTTY:

SPINACH! I LOVE SPINACH!

REGIS:

Dude, this isn't spinach man...

Scotty face turns into a NERVOUS look.

SCOTTY:

Oh my god Regis! You can't have that stuff in here! MY god....I wouldnt think you'd be the type of person who would smoke this!

SHOT OF REGIS. He looks stoned...

REGIS:

So uh....you want some or what?

SCOTTY:

no....I dont do stuff like that. It's bad for my health

REGIS:

Dude. You have just been through a traumatic event and your nerves are fried. Smoke this and you'll be riding on the magic dragon, man!

SCOTTY thinks about it for a second..

CUT TO:

	 SCOTTY and REGIS sitting on the ground with their backs against the walls laughing like crazy...

SCOTTY:

So then I say.." You're gonna die in 5 seconds." And he's all like "Why?" and i go " BECAUSE YOUR WANG IS WHERE YOU LIVER SHOULD BE!"

SCOTTY and REGIS break out in laughs...

REGIS:

oh shoot. that was like, so funny man. I love you!

SCOTTY:

I never felt so....mellowed out. it's like i'm flying through a small country town in Wisconsin or something man! isn't it cool!?

CUT TO:

	(STORAGE WING. We see Gibbens sneaking around slowly with his HAMMER armed and ready.)

GIBBENS:

Here, Christa Christa christa! ome to your uncle Gibbens!

(Gibbens opens up a door labelled "RANDOM BODY PARTS" and walks in.)

	(INT. RANDOM BODY PARTS ROOM. The room is dark and there is a hospital bedagainst one of the walls with something underneaht it. There are many silver cans labelled different things, "ARMS", "LEGS" and even "BUTTOCKS". Gibbens walks around cautiously.)

GIBBENS:

Here, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. I've got a present for you!

(Gibbens see's a meat freezer that's still running. Gibbens gets a grin on his face.)

GIBBENS:

Gee...I hope nobody is hiding in the...FREEZER!

(Gibeens opens up the freezer and sees VARIOUS HUMAN BODY PARTS LAYING ON ICE! Gibbens eyes light up with joy.)

GIBBENS:

(Gasp)

FOOD!

( Gibbens jumps in the freezer and pulls out a Leg. gibbens sticks the leg in a MICROWAVE which is conveniently placed  beside the frezzer for some reason and pushes start. Gibbens rubs his hands together and does a weird dance.)

CUT TO:

	(INT. Hospital Hallway. Scotty and Regis are still sitting against the walls. Regis is half asleep and scotty is chomping down on some GENERIC CHIPS. Scotty is STONED)

SCOTTY:

hey.....

(Scotty throw his now empty bag of chips at Regis waking him up.)

HEY!

REGIS:

(Grunts) 

What...

SCOTTY:

Have you ever wondered...How the indians knew what to eat? I mean, like....someone had to like....take a bite out of an apple to see if it's able to be eaten right?

REGIS:

Yeah,man. I feel sorry for the guy who had to eat poison Ivy.

(Scotty starts chuckling)

SCOTTY:

Or the guy who found out you can't use poison ivy to wipe your...

(Suddenly a bang is heard..)

SCOTTY:

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

(Scotty grabs a hold of regis frightened.)

SCOTTY:

Oh god man! It's the cops! they found us and we're stoned man! What are we gonna do!

REGIS:

Uhh......i got an idea.

SCOTTY:

Thank god! What is it?

REGIS:

Let's run around acting like we're dinosaurs going "RAR IM A T-REX!"

SCOTTY:

What the?

(Scotty and Regis burst out laughing! suddenly another bang is heard.)

SCOTTY:

SON OF A MONKEY! dude, like do something with that weed man?

(Regis throws it down the hallway.)

REGIS:

We'll like...say it wasn't ours.

SCOTTY:

I guess we should....go see what's banging?

REGIS:

Maybe it's your mom...

(Regis laughs. Scotty doesnt)

SCOTTY:

Dude...my mom is dead.

REGIS:

heh...that makes it even better man!

SCOTTY:

Dude, that's wrong man! You just said you bang dead people!

REGIS:

Oh...is ti wrong to do that?

(Scotty looks at regis strangely. Scotty sneaks down the hall to where the banging is. It's comign from the FIRE EXIT DOOR.)

SCOTTY:

Alright i need a weapon.

(Regis looks around and hands Scotty a bed pan. Scotty holds the bed pan in a defensive position and backs up against the door.)

SCOTTY:

Ready? 1,2...

REGIS:

buckle my shoe!

SCOTTY:

No! i'm going to open the door on 3. 1.......2.....3!

(Scotty opens the door.)

SCOTTY:

DIE,PIGS!

(Scotty hits KYLE on the head with the bed pan.)

KYLE:

NOT AGAIN!

(Kyle falls tot he ground and moans.....again. Christa runs to Kyle's aid)

SCOTTY:

Welllll would ya looky here! It's our escapee!

REGIS:

huh....you said pee....

KYLE:

For the love of god Scotty we're being chased by cannibals!

SCOTTY:

Oh really? I was not aware of this? I mean, the decapitated nurse and the stomachless doctor in the emergency room  didn't give me a clue...

CHRISTA:

Hey, Fatty Mcsuck, why dont you shut your blubber mouth and go give yourself liposuction you worthless, sleazy, lazy, excuse for a human being!

(Scotty is stunned.)

SCOTTY:

That..

(Scotty starts tearing up)

That hurt!

(Scotty bursts into tears. Regis comforts him)

REGIS:

Uhh...scotty....you don't have a blubber mouth...

Kyle:

Aw....did the poor male nurse slash plumber slash stripper get his feelings hurt?

SCOTTY:

I'LL SHOT YOU IN THE FACE YOU...

(Scotty starts choking Kyle,  Christa breaks them up. after a short pause, Regis punches scotty in the face.)

REGIS:

Uhh...break it up..

CHRISTA:

ALRIGHT EVERYONE SHUT UP! Look, if we're gonna live through this we have to stick together OK? We don't have time to fight over stupid stuff.  Let's just get out of here.

(Kyle looks at Christa.)

KYLE:

you know what...she's right. We need all the help we can get right now so let's just stick together to get through this alright? Scotty....no hard feelings alright?

(Kyle extends his hand. Scotty looks at it for a second, Scotty looks at Christa, then at Kyle, then at Regis who is staring in  amazement at a moth sitting on the flourescent light on the ceiling flapping it's wings.)

SCOTTY:

....alright...

(Scotty shakes Kyle's hand.)

SCOTTY:

But in this hospital we don't just shake hands....WE GROUP HUG!

(Scotty hugs Kyle and pulls Regis and Christa in. Scotty's hand tries to reach for christa's butt but Christa pulls it back up. They stop hugging.)

KYLE:

alright everyone. don't worry we're gonna make it through this...

(SUDEENLY A SHOTGUN BLAST BLOWS OFF HALF OF REGIS'S HEAD!)

SCOTTY:

MOTHER OF GOD!!!!

(Scotty takes off down the opposite hallway.)

REGIS:

Uh......wheres my head?

(Regis falls over DEAD. Once Regis falls over There's someone standing at the end of the hallway. IT'S JOHN CULPEPPER! John stands at the end of the hallway armed with a shotgun and his Trademark white cowboy hat on his head. He grins evilly. Kyle's and Christa's eyes widen. The water sprinklers go off.)

JOHN:

(Agent Smith sounding)

Mr.Vandagriff....we've been expecting you...

KYLE:

What is my point here? What is this place. I am the one.

(Kyle shakes off his voice)

KYLE:

Your matrix tricks won't affect my dialogue! Let's boogey! We're gonna get to that roof and you wont be stopping us!

(Suddenly, From the fire exit it's GRANDPA AND HAIRY! Hairy has on a new FREDDY KRUEGER MASK!)

KYLE:

Oh crap...

JOHN:

That's right Kyle. You have to learn somethin' today, son. You can't escape these cannibals!

(John looks around)

JOHN:

Where the hell is Gibbens?

CUT TO:

(INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY. C-WING Scotty is walking fast down the hallway with a panic-stricken look on his face.)

SCOTTY:

Alright alright....place to hide....place to hide...

(Scotty opens a door.....IT'S THE RANDOM BODY PARTS ROOM.)

( INT. RANDOM BODY PARTS ROOM. Gibbens is eating something crouching down with his back towards Scotty. We hear something rip as Gibbens takes a huge chunk of Flesh off of a leg. Scotty GASPS on accident. GIBBENS stops eating all the sudden and turns around slowly ala the original Resident evil when The first zombie is found. Gibbens mouth is covered in blood. Gibbens looks at Scotty with an evil glare, then smiles a grin.  pieces of flesh are stuck in between his teeth. Scotty tries to say something.)

GIBBENS:

....BOO!

SCOTTY:

(Stammering)

M....mo....m...MO....MOTHER OF GOD HELP ME!

(SCOTTY Runs out of the room as FAST as he can. GIBBENS gets up to go  after him and trips over a wire causing electrical equipment to fall onto a microwave, Starting a FIRE causing the water sprinklers to go off, causing an exposed wire that fell on the THING UNDER THE COVERS ON THE PATIENT BED to spew out electrical waves. The thing the wire sends electrical impulses into covulses. GIBBENS runs off chasing after Scotty Laughing evilly.)

GIBBENS:

HERE LITTLE PIGGY!HAHAHA!

(The electrical wires stop spewing out electrical waves and the fire goes out. Suddenly, slowly, like on DAWN OF THE DEAD, something rises from beneath the covers......IT'S

-ZOMBIE DR. RHEA-

DR. RHEA sits up in the bed and looks around. ZOMBIE DR. RHEA gets up and walks out of the room.)

CUT TO:

	(INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY. E- WING. John, Kyle, Christa, grandpa and Hairy are still standing.)

JOHN:

Ah, who cares where Gibbens is. Anyways. It's come down to this.......again. You, Me.....and a gun.

KYLE:

Actually I had the gun yesterday.

JOHN:

SHUT UP! just shut up...It doesn't matter anyways.  You're both about to die and then you know what....Hairy is going to carve off both of your faces and put it in his collection. Then....we're gonna have the hugest outdoor barbeque hontubby has had in a long time! Hairy will be doin' the cookin....Grandpa will be makin' the jerky, Gibbens will be.....dancing....and I...I will be laughing every second of it...kicking back enjoying you and celebrating another good kill and a good meal.. So.....any last words...

KYLE:

Well, yeah....

Eat this...

(Kyle throws a SURGEON'S KNIFE AT JOHN HITTING HIM IN THE HAND!)

KYLE:

CHRISTA RUN!

(Christa breaks off in a run the same way Scotty went. John is holding his bleeding arm in pain.)

JOHN:

GET HER HAIRY! GET HER GRANDPA!

GRANDPA:

Want me to kill him first?

JOHN:

no that's alright.....him and me....we got business to take care of...

GRANDPA:

Alright then, John.....it's your own grave....

(Grandpa drives off on his wheelchair in pursuit of Christa. Kyle and John stare at eachother as the water from the water sprinklers pour down on them both.)

CUT TO:

	( D WING. GIBBENS is walking around cautiously looking in every room he can. SCOTTY is hiding under one of the cribs in the INCUBATOR ROOM.)

GIBBENS:

C'mere little piggy. Time to meet Uncle Gibbens and mr. Hammer! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Gibbens looks through the windows in the incubator room and doesn't see anything. Gibbens walks on past. A DOOR CLOSES. Scotty slowly peeks his head out to look around. Scotty see's a CUTE LITTLE BABY in one of the cribs.)

SCOTTY:

Aw, hi there little fella!

BABY:

HEY DUDE!

(THe baby suddenly pees on Scotty's face!)

SCOTTY:

MOTHER OF GOD!!!!!

(Scotty holds his EYES in pain. SUDDENLY GIBBENS BURSTS THROUGH THE INCUBATOR WINDOW.)

GIBBENS:
 How Sweet. PORK RINES!

(Scotty looks confused)

SCOTTY:

Are you calling me fat, pig? You know. I'm tired of running away from cannibals like you. You can't hurt me! I'M THE HEAD NURSE AND A WILL WILL GIVE YOU A PHYSICAL, SUCKA!

(Scotty gets his hand sinto a defensicve position)

GIBBENS:

ohhh.....I really don't want to bruise my meat up before we eat it because John'll be miiiighty mad if i do. So why don't you take this like a man so we won't have no trouble?

SCOTTY:

How about you...oh.....SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!

(Scotty Runs at Gibbens at full force and TACKLES HIM THROUGH ANOTHER INCUBATOR WINDOW. Scotty starts punching at Gibbens face. Gibbens starts hitting Scotty in the back with his hammer.)

SCOTTY:

AH! THAT'S MY KIDNEY YOU SON OF A IMBRED MONKEY!

GIBBENS:

YOU RACIST! NOW YOUSA ARE GONNA DIE!

(Gibbens pokes Scotty in the eye with his thumb. Gibbens gets ready to smack Scotty when suddenly...THE DOOR OPENS SUDDENLY SLAMMING INTO GIBBENS! ZOMBIE GONOR RHEA  Stumbles in on TOP OF SCOTTY!)

SCOTTY:

AH! WHAT THE HECK! 

ZOMBIE RHEA:

BRAINS!

SCOTTY:

NO! NO BRAINS!

]
ZOMBIE RHEA:

GIMME SOME FRIGGIN BRAINS!

SCOTTY:

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OFF ME CRAZY ZOMBIE!

(ZOMBIE RHEA tries to bite scotty but scotty KNEES HIM IN THE CROTCH! The ZOMBIE RHEA rolls off and holds his crotch in pain. GIBBENS IS BACK UP WITH HIS HAMMER RAISED HIGH. GIBBENS GOES TO SMASH IT INTO SCOTTY BUT SCOTTY MOVES HIS HEAD IN THE NICK OF TIME AND KNEES GIBBENS IN THE CROTCH AS WELL! There is no EFFECT!)

SCOTTY:

What the?

GIBBENS:

Oh...about that. We were starving for food so Hairy decided he wanted some Walker Mountain Oysters!

SCOTTY:

DUDE! YOU ARE FREAKED UP MAN!

(Scotty begins crawling away. Gibbens grabs him by his Scrub pants. SUDDENLY THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AGAIN!

IT'S CHRISTA! Christa quickly locks the DOOR up without even knowing that Gibbens and a Zombie are behind her. once Christa gets done locking the doors she turns around and sees GIBBENS staring at her with a evil grin!)

GIBBENS:

HEY BABAY! Remember me!?

( Christa lets out a blood curdling scream. GIBBENS Runs towards her with his hammer raised high! Christa ducks a blow from the hammer and runs by GIBBENS.)

SCOTTY:

CHRISTA! For the love of God help me!

(Christa helps  scotty up. Gibbens goes to chase after them but the ZOMBIE RHEA grbas Gibbens by the leg TRIPPING HIM!)

ZOMBIE RHEA:

BRAINS. NOW!

GIBBENS:

I HAVE NO BRAINS! GO AWAY!

(Gibbens KICKS the Zombie IN THE FACE.and Crawls back up to his feet, chasing after them. The ZOMBIE follows. Christa and Scotty already turned down the hallway.)

CUT TO:

	( C-WING. Hairy runs to the door and starts hitting it with his weedwhacker screaming. Grandpa whacks Hairy in the head with his cane.)

GRANDPA:

YOU STUPID IDIOT! You use something caleld doorknobs in these parts!

(Grandpa goes to turn the knob, but it's locked.)

GRANDPA:

Hmm, that's strange i guess it's lcoked er' something?

HAIRY:

Larked!?

GRANDPA:

Here, backup son, i'm gonna have to open this here door Hontubby style!

(Grandpa puts his wheelchair in reverse and reverese it all the way down the hall. GRANDPA looks at his gears: Slow, Medium, Fast, Crazy, LUDICROUS SPEED.)

GRANDPA:

Well....here goes nothing....it's time for LUDICROUS SPEED!

HAIRY:

NO SA! NO SA!

GRANDPA:

Oh yes Hairy.....we're gonna do it......LUDICROUS SPEED GO!!!!!!!!!!

(GRANDPA puts it on ludicrous speed and BLASTS THROUGH THE DOOR AT OUTRAGEOUS SPEED and gets sent flying out of his wheel chair into a wall. Hairy walks in the room and see's Grandpa laying on the ground moaning.)

HAIRY:

OH MY! OH MY MY MY!

(Grandpa KICK FLIPS back up and does a few backflips back into his wheelchair.)

GRANDPA:

well.......that was simple enough. Now where did those guys go?

(Grandpa looks around for clues. HE SEES A HAMMER LAYING on the floor up ahead! Grandpa's eye twitches)

GRANDPA:

Gibbens....THAT IDIOT! He's lettin em' Get away! Let's go Hairy! Hairy!?

(HAIRY is playing with one of the babies. Hairy picks up one of the babies by the shirt and show sit to grandpa.)

HAIRY:

CAN WE EET ET!?

GRANDPA:

NO YOU IDIOT! WE DON'T EAT BABIES! it's un christian like. NOW COME ON YOU BUTT FUNGUS!

(Hairy tosses the Baby behind him and follows along.)

CUT TO:

	(INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY. John and Kyle are standing on seperate sides of the hallways as the water sprinklers continously sprays down water)

( John throws his SHOTGUN in the middle of the hall.)

JOHN:

This is it. One of us is going down. It's either gonna be you or me...first one to get the gun and shoot the other wins...any questions..

KYLE:

nope...i just wanna ask you one question though.

JOHN:

And what's that?

KYLE:

Do you really think you look good in that hat?

(JOHN GETS MAD AND RUNS TOWARDS THE GUN. KYLE runs as well. They run at eachother and KYLE JUMPS INTO THE AIR AND DROPKICKS John down! John kickflips back up. John goes for a sidekick, Kyle catches but John turns it into a enziguri, which is where someone kicks the person with the other foot. Kyle slams into the wall. John grabs Kyle by the Hair and starts slamming his face into the wall.)

JOHN:

You taste that? That's the taste of your own blood!

KYLE:

Really? why don't you get a dose of yours too?

(KYLE suddenly throws Johns face into the wall. Johns nose starts bleeding. John walks around aimlessly. Kyle Rebounds off the wall and kicks John in the face, then grabs John by the feet taking him down. John kicks Kyle off of him and Kick flips back up. Senseless karate moves follow. Kyle palms john in the chest sending him down the the ground. Kyle runs towards John who ARM DRAGS him and starts punching Kyle in the face! KYLE KNEES JOHN IN THE CROTCH.)

JOHN:

AGH! NOT FAIR..

KYLE:

You killed innocent people and ate them. Is that fair!?

(Kyle stands up and knees John in the stomach then monkey flips John over him. Kyle stands back up. John gets back up....WITH THE SHOTGUN! John laughs.)

JOHN:

hehhehheh....I win..

(John Fires the shotgun. ENTER MATRIX MODE as the shotgun blast goes out from the shotgun heading towards Kyle. Kyle's eyes are wide. Kyle  does a wall jump in slow motion as the bullet misses him by inches.Kyle is standing infront of John now!

KYLE:

Not yet...

(Kyle Snatches the gun from John and hits John in the chin with the butt of the gun. Blood spews out of johns mouth. John goes back wards a little bit. Kyle gives John a nice shot in the ribs with the butt of the gun as well sending him backwards more. Kyles hit him in the stomach, in the face and then kicks him in the gut. Kyle aims and shoots John in the foot with the shotgun. John screams in pain.)

JOHN:

AHHHHHHH! THAT'S MY GOOD FOOT YOUUUUUUU IDIOOOOOOOOOT!

(John hops around on one foot then slumps against the wall. Kyle aims the gun at him. John spits some blood out of his mouth.)

JOHN:

Go ahead, Kyle. Kill me. You've won. So finish me off. you know what that one movie says....Everything that has a beginning....has an end. I started this whole thing....now...you end it. Shoot me....SHOOT ME!

(Kyle aims the gun...then slowly PULLS THE TRIGGER HITTING THE WALL BEHIND JOHN. John flinches.. John opens his eyes...)

JOHN:

What the? ...KILL ME ALREADY DAMMIT!

KYLE:

No....

JOHN:

Why? WHY NOT!?

KYLE:

Because...you're not deserving enough for me to kill. I'm a good christian boy and it is wrong for me to kill people,  even scumbags like you. I'm going to give you something much worse. Something you deserve more than a killing. i'm gonna let you rot. You're going to jail, John Culpepper, and you're not ever coming back....so with that said...

CANNIBALIZE THIS!

(KYLE gives john one more good whack with the butt of the gun knocking John out cold..)

CUT TO:

	( EMERGENCY WING. Christa and Scotty run into the Emergency wing. Christa is constantly looking behind her as Scotty holds his arms in pain.)

CHRISTA:

C'mon Scotty....just a little longer...

( A DOOR BESIDE CHRISTA BURSTS OPEN! TODD WALKS OUT. Christa SCREAMS and starts hitting Todd to no evail.)

TODD:

Whoa whoa whoa, miss! Chill out! What seems to be the problem?

(Scotty holds up his Bloody handS)

SCOTTY:

What does it look like, genuis!?

TODD:

hmmm....looks like an everyday nurse to me...

(GIBBENS bursts through the entrance of the EMERGENCY WING.)

GIBBENS:

Look guys...i'm tired of running? Can I kill you now?

TODD:

Oh....so THIS........is your problem?

(Todd starts laughing.)

TODD:

Look if you guys are trying to escape i'll hold this dude off for you...

SCOTTY:

But what about you?

TODD:

Don't worry! This guy is a piece of cake!

CHRISTA:

You don't understand he's not the onl...

TODD:

Piece...of cake.....Alright miss Rhinehart?

( Christa looks at Scotty. Scotty nods his head.)

SCOTTY:

Let's go...

( Christa and Scotty Take off down the hallway. Gibbens breaks out in a run but TODD stands in his way and pushes him DOWN!)

TODD:

Look, man. You can't be pestering my patients and the head nurse like this! But, if you really want them badly.

(Todd takes off his scrub shirt. He is covered in hair. looks mor elike a giant bear.)

TODD:

You gotta go through me!

GIBBENS:

It's your grave...

(Gibbens and todd begin SENSELESSLY WRESTLING.)

CUT TO:

	(Christa and Scotty. They continue running. SCOTTY STOPS)

SCOTTY:

AW, CRAP!

CHRISTA:

What?

SCOTTY:

The roof entrance is back there!

CHRISTA:

What? you mean there's no other way to the roof?

SCOTTY:

Sadly....no...

CHRISTA:

Good god this hospital sucks!

( christa turns around and walks back the way she came.)

CUT BACK TO:

	( TODD AND GIBBENS WRESTLING. Todd has Gibbens in a choke hold. CHRISTA and SCOTTY WALK PAST THEM.)

TODD:

Hey where are you going?

CHRISTA:

We went the wrong way...

TODD:

Oh....alright then...

(Gibbens suddenly LOW BLOWS TODD. Gibbens picks up his HAMMER.)

GIBBENS:

Now with him done with .....It's time that you both die!

( Todd STANDS  BACK up and PICKS GIBBENS UP OFF OF HIS FEET AND TOSSES him down the hall in front of a WINDOW. ZOMBIE RHEA is at the ENTRANCE door knocking on it since he doesnt know how to use door knobs.)

SCOTTY:

Alright..let's get out of here!

( Scotty starts climbing up the stairway which he pulled down from the ceiling. Christa just stands there SMILING.)

SCOTTY:

CHRISTA! LET'S GO!

( Christa looks towards GIBBENS AND TODD. GIBBENS is ramming  Todd's face into a wall. CHRISTA then looks towards ZOMBIE RHEA.)

CHRISTA:

Hang on! I....got.....a....plan!

SCOTTY:

What!? I thought the plan was to GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!?

CHRISTA:

Well, the plan has just changed....Scotty....we need brains.....lots of them..

(SCOTTY looks confused.)

CUT TO:

	( EMERGENCY ROOM 1. A Man with HALF his brains hanging out of his head is laying down screaming. Scotty walks uin with a bucket.)

MAN:

OH GOD HELP ME MAN! I...i can't feel my skull...

SCOTTY:

That's cause you have no skull dude...you lost it when that bull stepped on your head.

MAN:

Oh....my god...

( Scotty walks up to the man with the bucket. Scotty grabs a handful of brains)

MAN:

What are you doing man!?

SCOTTY:

Uh...I need to borrow your brains for a second....

MAN:

My brains? Where did you get my brains?

SCOTTY:

They were hanging out of your head..

( The man faints.)

SCOTTY:

Thank you for your cooperation! The Poteau Hospital of Misery appreciates your donation!

(SCOTTY walks back out. gibbens is beating Todd with a hammer)

TODD:

AH! HELP ME!

(Gibbens is laughing evilly. Scotty walks out of one of the rooms and hands the bucket to CHRISTA.)

CHRISTA:

ALRIGHT SCOTTY! GO GET GONOR RHEA!

SCOTTY:

EW! NO WAY MAN!

CHRISTA:

Yes!

SCOTTY:

Do you even know what Gonnorhea is!?

CHRISTA:

YES! IT'S A ZOMBIE! NOW GET HIM!

SCOTTY:

ohhhh....the zombie.

( Gibbens begins walking towards Christa.)

CHRISTA:

Hey Gibbens!?

GIBBENS:

Wassup?

CHRISTA:

Here's you some food for thought!

 (Christa tosses the Brains on Gibbens Gibbens looks at the brains.)

GIBBENS:

What the?

( Gibbens takes a chunk of brains and eats it.)

GIBBENS:

hmm.....taste like chicken.

CHRISTA:

Hey Scotty! let Gonor Rhea out!

SCOTTY:

Wait....can I say a bad final pun as well!?

CHRISTA:

SCOTTY OPEN THE DOOR...NOW!

SCOTTY:

Fine...

(Scotty opens the door... ZOMBIE GONOR RHEA runs in! He sniffs aroudn and looks at Gibbens. Gibben's eyes get wide.)

GIBBENS:

Oh no....

ZOMBIE RHEA:

BRAINS!!!!

( ZOMBIE RHEA runs towards GIBBENS AND TACKLES HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW! GIBBENS Let's out a Giant scream as he goes tumbling down the GIANT CLIFF DROP OFF. ZOMBIE RHEA TAKES A HUGE CHUNK OF FLESH OFF GIBBENS NECK AS THEY BOTH GO TUMBLING DOWN TO THEIR DEATHS BELOW.)

CUT TO:

	(EMERGENCY WING. Christa a Scotty help Todd back up. Todd is a bloody mess.)

TODD:

Man, that dude was harder then I thought he would be!

CHRISTA:

I told you so!

SCOTTY:

Alright...can we PLEASE get out of here now!?

CHRISTA:

Yeah. let's get out of here.

( Christa, Todd and Scotty begin walking towards the stairs. THE EMRGENCY DOOR SUDDENLY FLIES OPEN AND HAIRY PLUNGES THE WEEDWHACKER ITNO TODDS STOMACH AND OUT OF HIS BACK)

TODD:

Holy crap.... THERE'S A WEEDWHACKER IN MY STOMACH!

(TODD DIES.)

SCOTTY:

MOTHER OF GOD! RUNNNNNNNN!

( Scotty and Christa drops Todd's dead body and take off up the stairs. Hairy pulls the WEEDWHACKER out of Todd's dead BODY and follow behind them. Grandpa stops Hairy.)

GRANDPA:

You know Hairy, if I was really handicapped this would be a big problem.

( Grandpa ditches the wheelchair and begins walking up the stairs ON  HIS HANDS! Hairy follows him.)

CUT TO:

	(  A SHOTGUN CRASHING THROUGH A GLASS DOOR. KYLE peeks his head through and walks into the GIFT SHOP.  Kyle Shoots a DISPLAY case behind the COUNTER. Kyle jumps behind the counter and grabs what he wanted in the DISPLAY CASE...

A WEEDWHACKER!

Kyle starts the Weedwhacker and REVS IT UP. Kyle grins.)

CUT TO:

	THE ROOFTOP. NIGHT. CHRISTA and SCOTTY burst through the ROOFTOP DOOR.)

CHRISTA:

Alright...Where's the emrgency ladder?

SCOTTY:

The what!?

CHRISTA:

Doesn't the roof have a ladder for emrgency escapes?

SCOTTY:

Oh...uh...

(Scotty rubs the back of his neck nervously.)

SCOTTY:

no...

CHRISTA:

WHAT!? NO!? WHAT!? YOU BROUGHT US UP HERE FOR NO DAMNED REASON AT ALL! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING BRINGING US INTO A DEATH TRAP!? Oh god...we're all gonna die now...

SCOTTY:

Well, I thought you had a plan...like you ahd a secret helicopter up here or something?

CHRISTA:

SECRET HELICOPTER!? AGGGHHHHH!

( CHrista starts punching Scotty.)

SCOTTY:

AH! GOD! STOP! WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME!?

( HAIRY AND GRANDPA burst through the doors.)

GRANDPA:

Well, well, well......looks like someone made a bad decision...and looks who's going to take advantage of it.

( Christa stops fighting Scotty.)

CHRISTA:

That's it..... I'm tired of this crap... Let's go gramps! Scotty....hold off Hairy alright?

SCOTTY:

WHAT!? Oh yeah...Give big ole' Scotty the guy with the weedwhacker while little ole Christa takes down the old guy! 

CHRISTA:

Scotty....shut up and deal with him. There's no more places to run or hide....so let's just fight...

SCOTTY:

(Sigh)

This sucks...

(Scotty walks in front of Hairy and gets in a fighting stance)

SCOTTY:

Alright, big boy...with a weedwhacker....let's uh.....whack!?

(Hairy looks confused, but nonetheless starts up his weedwhacker.)

HAIRY:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(Hairy runs at Scotty. Scotty jumps out of the way with a big "MOTHER OF GOD!". CHRISTA and GRANDPA start karate fighting fighting. Christa jumps in the air and KICKS grandpa MATRIX STYLE.)

CHRISTA:

Chew on that, gramps.

( Scotty is running around based by Hairy.)

SCOTTY:

DAMMIT CHRISTA HELP ME! FOR THE LOVE...OF...GOD!!!I'M RUNNING OUT OF BREATH!

(Scotty suddenly FAINTS and falls down on his face. Hairy trips over Scotty. Christa and Grandpa are still karate fighting. CHRISTA hits GRANDPA with a TRIPLE CROTCH KICK COMBO then an EXPLODING LIVER PUNCH! Grandpa goes DOWN.)

GRANDPA:

DAMMIT! THAT'S MY GOOD LIVER YOU EVIL PSYCHO HO SPAWN OF SATAN!?

CHRISTA:

Is that anyway to talk to a woman.

(CHRISTA BASEBALLS SLIDES GRANDPA IN THE FACE. Granpa holds his mouth in PAIN then spits out a PAIR of TEETH.)

CHRISTA:

Wait, how can an old man like you afford a pair opf dentures?

GRANDPA:

Who said they were dentures? Remember? Cannibal? Hello!?

CHRISTA:

Oh, so let me guess...you cut them out of someones mouth.

GRANDPA:

BINGO!

(GRANDPA kicks CHRISTA in the STOMACH.)

(HAIRY starts to RUN towards CHRISTA. SCOTTY suddenly GRABS HAiry around the neck.)

SCOTTY:

NO SO FAST FELLOW CANNIBAL! I can't let you hurt a hot cheerleader like her.

HAIRY:

RARRRRRRRRRR!

(HAIRY Gives SCOTTY a STONE COLD STUNNER. SCOTTY holds his jaw in pain and Hairy CUTS Scotty in the LEG with the WEEDWHACKER)

SCOTTY:

AH! MOTHER OF GOD! THAT'S MY FREAKING LEG!

(Scotty falls down unconscious as he sees the BLOOD spurting from his LEG. HAIRY looks back towards Christa. Grandpa is slapping her in the FACE.)

GRANDPA:

Thought you were good enough to fight cannibals like us huh? Well guess what woman! You're not some kind of hairy-armpitted warrior princess! You're a pretty little girl....jus' dying to be eaten!

(Grandpa laughs. Suddenly HAIRY Tackles CHRISTA down with a big WHOOOOO! Grandpa starts laughing like crazy and starts kicking her.)

GRANDPA:

HAHA! It looks like your little chubby friend couldn't take Hairy down! But now, your friend's mistake....is our success. Hairy...let me do the weedwhacker honors.

(Hairy looks at grandpa and shakes his head NO.)

GRANDPA:

HAIRY LISTEN TO YOUR GRANDPA!

HAIRY:

OO NOT MAH GRAMP!!!

GRANDPA:

HAIRY GIVE ME THE WEEDHWHACKER!!!!!

(HAIRY shakes his head no and hangs on to his weedwhacker dearly.)

GRANDPA:

HAIRY GIVE ME!!

(HAIRY and GRANDPA start WRESTLING over the WEEDWHACKER. SCOTTY STANDS UP.)

SCOTTY:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(SCOTTY STARTS RUNNING TOWARDS GRANDPA. GRANDPA looks up to see SCOTTY RUNNING TOWARDS HIM...slowly.)

SCOTTY:

MOTHER....OF...GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

(GRANDPA THROWS SCOTTY OVER HIS SHOULDER AND OFF THE TOP OF THE BUILDING! Scotty still is scraming "GODDDDD" as he falls.)

CUT TO:

	( THE INSIDE OF A CAR. GRANDPA HERTEL and GRANDMA MOODY are driving up to the HOSPITAL.)

GRANDMA MOODY:

Oh, Kyle is going to love this pair of Speedos! Isn't he hert!?

GRANDPA HERTEL:

Jesus, Moody, ar you deliberately trying to turn the kid gay? I mean, The turtleneck sweater, Gigli..an now a Speedo? What is wrong with you?

(Grandpa HERTEL continues TALKING as a FIGURE falls CLOSER and CLOSER to the car until suddenly....

CRASHHH! SCOTTY'S BLOODY FACE is PEERING at GRANDMA MOODY.)

SCOTTY:

Cannibals...I hate em'...

(GRANDMA MOODY BEGINS SCREAMING. GRANDPA just sits there UNIMPRESSED.)

GRANDPA HERTEL:

Just what in the hell are you doing in my windshield?

GRANDMA MOODY:

OH MY GOD! I NEVER SEEN SOMEONE DIE BEFORE! OH MY GOD! TRAUMATIZED!

GRANDPA HERTEL:

He's Not dead Moody! He has to live to be in another sequel!

SCOTTY:

(slight mutter)

i do?

GRANDPA HERTEL:

YES!

SCOTTY:

Cool..

(SCOTTY FAINTS.)

GRANDMA MOODY:

OH MY GOD! WHERE'S MY KYLE?

(Grandpa Hertel listens to everything he heard. He hears Scotty say "Cannibals...I hate them." he hears Moody say "We had to come see you after being chased by cannibals, then he hears a horse neigh. His eye starts twitching at the sound of the horse.)

GRANDPA HERTEL:

My own bare hand I tell you...

GRANDMA MOODY:

What, HERTEL?

(Grandpa hertel snaps out of it.)

GRANDPA HERTEL:

Moody, call the police...Ladonna and Mazzio's pizza...order a extra thin crust pepperoni.

GRANDMA MOODY:

What?

GRANDPA HERTEL:

MOODY......get....my....grappling hook.

(GRANDPA HERTEL peers up to the top of the building.)

CUT TO:

	( ROOFTOP. Grandpa looks stunned at what he did. Grandpa looks to HAIRY.)

GRANDPA:

YOU IDIOOOOOOT! You almost got me killed! Now give me the weedwhacker!

HAIRY:

NO SA'!

GRANDPA:

FINE! FINE! YOU CHOP HER UP YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING MONKEY BOY!

HAIRY:

WHOOOOOO!

(HAIRY starts up his weedwhacker and RAISES IT in the AIR when suddenly...Something flies onto the roof top and attaches to the side of the ROOF. IT'S A GRAPPLING HOOK! GRANDPA and HAIRY peer over at it. THE SOUNDS of FEET climbing up are HEARD. A HAND GRABS ONTO THE LEDGE of THE ROOF! IT'S GRANDPA HERTEL.)

GRANDPA HERTEL:

What the hell is this? Ed Geins's Family reunion?

(Grandpa looks confused.)

GRANDPA:

How sweet....OLD MEAT!

GRANDPA HERTEL:

I'll show you old you heartless cannibal...

GRANDPA: 

Oh, now it's on big boy. You haven't messed with a white guy quite like me...GRANDPA CULPEPPER.

(THUNDER RUMBLES. GRANDPA HERTEL'S EYES light up with SHOCK.)

GRANDPA HERTEL:

What? Grandpa...Culpepper? As in....THEODORE CLAY CULPEPPER the 3rd!?

GRANDPA:

H...how do you know?

GRANDPA HERTEL:

It's me! HERTEL! HERTEL MASTERSON!

(GRANDPA looks shocked!)

GRANDPA:

NO WAY!

GRANDPA HERTEL:

But this isn't possible...I remember it perfectly.

FLASHBACK:

 	(A Younger GRANDPA HERTEL AND GRANDPA CULPEPPER in a FIELD. There's some othe guy as well named TED.)

GRANDPA HERTEL (V.O):

Is was a picture perfect day. not a cloud in the sky. Me, you and Ted. We were going to peep in on old Mrs. stevensons daughter's window and shoot some innocent turtles when.

(A HORDE OF HORSES comes RUMBLING down the mountain.)

GRANDPA HERTEL (V.O)

Those damned horses.

( HERTEL, CULPEPPER, and TED all start running away.)

GRANDPA HERTEL (V.O)

I satrted running as fast as I could and when looked back. I saw none of you, but a big patch of blood. That's when..

(HERTEL wrestles a Horse down and pulls it's skin off with his bare hands.)

GRANDPA HERTEL ( V.O)

I had to peel those horses skin off with my bare hands..

PRESENT TIMES:

	( GRANDPA HERTEL's EYE is TWITCHING. he keeps repeating "bare hands" over and over again.)

GRANDPA HERTEL:

So...how exactly did you live if I saw a big long patch of blood?

GRANDPA CULPEPPER:

Well...you see...what happened was..

FLASHBACK:

	(GRANDPA Culpepper and TED and running away when suddenly the horses Trample on them.)

GRANDPA CULPEPPER (VO):

We were trying to catch up we were to slow because we were smoking cigarettes back then and didn't have the lung power, so the horses trampled all over me and Ted breaking 8 of my ribs and my arm. But then, one horse stops and RIPS MY LEG RIGHT OFF

( GRANDPA Culpepper's leg gets ripped off. Grandpa Culpepepr silently screams in pain.)

GRANDPA CULPEPPER(V.O):

I coated the wound with horse feces and grabbed Ted and retreated off into the woods. I decided since Ted wasn't going to make it since he already had terminal cancer, that I would take his leg and use it as a replacement leg. So I cut his leg off causing him a slow painful death and sewed his leg on using tree vines. It was a very painful process.

(GRANDPA cuts off TED'S LEG. Blood spurts out everywhere. Grandpa sews TED'S LEG on his LEG.)

GRANDPA CULPEPPER(V.O):

Then, I was hungry so.. I ATE HIS REMAINS! HAHAHAHAHA!

PRESENT TIMES:

	GRANDPA:

Mighty good eatin' to.

GRANDPA HERTEL:

Whyd in't you just eat a deer if you were starving to death.

(long pause)

GRANDPA:

I just didn't....okay!?

GRANDPA HERTEL:

I can't believe you...This reminds me of that Phil Collins song...

CHRISTA:

Uh...Grandpa Hertel? I need some help here?

GRANDPA:

C'mon Hert...let's be pals again.

GRANDPA HERTEL:

(Thinks)

NO!

GRANDPA:

Wha?

GRANDPA HERTEL:

YOU tried to kill my grandson you sonofa*****! You're gonna pay for even WANTING to eat my grandson! For that...YOU DIE!

GRANDPA:

(sigh)

Alright then,Hert....let's go.. friends forced to fight...like on Star Trek.

(GRANDPA CULPEPPER AND GRANDPA HERTEL circle eachother with their fist ready to fight. CHRISTA kicks Hairy off of her and then KICKS HAIRY in the face. Grandpa Culpepper goes for a punch but misses. CRAZY BOXINGensues. Grandpa Hertel looks like he's winning.)

GRANDPA CULPEPPER:

Screw this!

(GRANDPA CULPEPPER MATRIX STYLE kicks HERTEL in the face. GRANDPA Culpepper lands on his feet again.)

GRANDPA CULPEPPER:

This Grandpa doesn't play by the rules.

( Grandpa Culpepper does a BACKFLIPS AND DOES A BACKFLIP KICK THINGY in GRANDPA HERTEL'S FACE! Grandpa Hertel falls down. Christa is running towards the exit door on the roof as Hairy chases her with his WEEDWHACKER. She reaches the door but it's LOCKED.)

CHRISTA:

NOOO! OPEN YOU BASTARD!

( Christa dodges the weedwhacker causing it to hit the door. Hairy shuts the weedwhacker off and see's that it's OUT OF STRING. HAIRY screams in anger and sets his weedwhacker down and pulls out Weedwhacker string out of his BACK POCKET. Grandpa CULPEPPER AND GRANDPA HERTEL are wrestling.  HERTEL throws Grandpa face first into a ROOF ledge. GRANDPA lands mouth first on the ledge basically chewing the cement ledge.)

GRANDPA HERTEL:

Here....get a MOUTH FULL OF CONCRETE!

(HERTEL STOMPS ON GRANDPA'S MOUTH! Grandpa's Jaw breaks and blood spurts out of his mouth. Grandpa gets up holding his mouth which is now wide open, toothless and has blood flowing out of it like a river.)

GRANDPA CULPEPPER:

(Gurgling)

Dammit...my .....good...mouth...

( Grandpa Culpepper runs towards Hertel. HERTEL GRABS HIM AND THROWS HIMSELF AND GRANDPA CULPEPPER THROUGH THE SKYLIGHT! Glass shatters as Grandpa and HERTEL go tumbling down into the CAFETERIA LANDING ON A TABLE!  After the dust clears..HERTEL lays on the ground with SHARDS of Glass all around him. He looks towards GRANDPA CULPEPPER. GRANDPA CULPEPPER IS IMPALED BY A UMBRELLA THAT WAS ATTACHED TO ONE OF THE TABLES. Grandpa Culpepper slowly turns his head. Blood still flows from his mouth continously.) 

GRANDPA CULPEPPER:

(Gurgling)

I'll...kill you momentarily...as soon as....I..get a new....mouth...and get this umbrella...out of...my stomach...and...a nice....glass...of...cold.........Water.

(GRANDPA DIES.)

GRANDPA HERTEL:

I did it! I killed him...with my own...bare hands..

(GRANDPA HERTELS eye tiwtches.)

CUT TO:

	(SKYLIGHT. HAIRY peers down from the Roof and sees GRANDPA Impaled and DEAD. HAIRY starts Screaming loudly. HAIRY SWINGS HIS WEEDWHACKER AROUND CRAZILY. HAIRY looks up and sees Christa. Hairy no longer looks too happy. He looks kind of DEMONIC. Hairy revs up his WEEDWHACKER. Christa is frightened. HAIRY BEGINS CHASING AFTER her with a WEEDWHACKER. Christa starts Running Away but TRIPS in prefect CLICHE form! HAIRY gets READY TO PLUNGE THE WEEDWHACKER INTO HER..again. BEHIND him just as he raises his weedwhacker up ......IT'S KYLE! KYLE STARTS HIS WEEDWHACKER UP! Hairy gets confused and looks behind him.)

KYLE:

Yo......stop messin' with my woman...

CHRISTA:

KYLE!!!!!

KYLE:

Hey honey..

HAIRY:

OO! IT'S ALL YOU FAULT!!

KYLE:

So...the retarded guy with the flesh mask can actually talk huh?

(HAIRY is getting aggravated.Hairy revs up his weedwhacker.)

KYLE:

Oh.....looks like you got your infamous weedwhacker with you too huh? Well you know what?

(Kyle holds his weedwhacker up and revs it up as well.)

KYLE:

Your Whacker is as big as mine..

(Christa looks confused)

HAIRY:

die.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(HAIRY runs towards KYLE witht he weedwhacker raised high! THE GIANT FINAL WEEDWHACKER FIGHT BEGINS. KYLE Blocks his Weedwhacker and they start...Whacker fighting. as they continously fight.Kyle uses his Weedwhacker as a pole vault and kicks HAIRY in the chest knocking him back a few Feet. Kyle CUTS HAIRY'S top of his HAIR! Hairy touches it SHOCKED.)

HAIRY:

MAH HAIR!

KYLE:
 
well...now you look like a marine.

HAIRY:

ARGGG! WHOOOOA!!!!

( They starts Weedwhacker fighting again. Hairy goes for Kyle's leg. KYLE jumps over the Weedwhacker. Kyle goes for HAIRYS LEG but Hairy jumps as Well. Hairy goes for the stomach but Kyle Jumps back. MATRIX MODE as the Weedwhacker comes inches from Kyle's STOMACH. Kyle does a little spinning thing and CUTS HAIRY in the CHEST! Blood spurts out of Hairy's chest. As Hairy looks shocked at his blood spurting chest, Kyle pulls out the SHOTGUN out of his PANTS.)

KYLE:

CHRISTA CATCH!

(Christa looks up and gets hit in the face with a SHOTGUN knocking her out.)

KYLE:

aw...crap.

(SUDDENLY, Hairy comes running towards KYle with the weedwhacker. Kyle blocks it off with his and they begin WEEDWHACKER FIGHTING some more. KYLE POLE VAULTS OVER HAIRY Barely missing the WEEDWHACKER. KYLE Lands and Cuts Hairy in his legs! HAIRY FALLS to his knees screaming in pain. KYLE Begins choking HAiry with the long end of the weedwhacker! Suddenly...POLICE HELICOPTER FLY OVER THE HOSPITAL and POLICE CARS Surround the hospital. The Helicopter spotlight Kyle and Hairy.)

KYLE:

See that hairy? That light...it's not heaven....IT'S THE POLICE!!!

(HAIRY Hits Kyle in the face with his weedhwhacker. Kyle holds his face in PAIN. Hairy goes for kyles neck but KYLE Barely Blocks it off. The WEEDWHACKER STRINGS spin just inches from KYLE'S FACE. KYLE Kicks Hairy in the Stomach and Raises his WEEDWHACKER up high . Hairy rolls out of the way just as Kyle strike the ground. Hairy PLUNGES THE WEEDWHACKER IN KYLE'S STOMACH! SLOW MOTION AS KYLE SCREAMS IN PAIN and falls to the ground dropping his weedwhacker. CHRISTA WAKES up and SEES KYLE clutching his STOMACH.)

CHRISTA:

NOOOOOO! KYLEEEEE!

( Christa Crawls towards the gun. Hairy stands up barely and revs up the weedwhacker and smiles.)

HAIRY:

HAIWY WINS AGIN!

( HAIRY raises the weedwhacker in the air.)

POLICE HELICOPTER:

THIS IS THE POLICE. Please drop your......what is that? Weedwhacker!? What the hell?

(Hairy looks to the noise. KYLE'S EYES BURST OPEN. KYLE GRABS HIS WEEDWHACKER AND THRUSTS IT INTO HAIRY'S STOMACH! Blood spurts everywhere as Hairy looks at his stomach and lets out a giant "AHHHHHH" in SLOW MOTION. KYLE TAKES IT OUT and POINTS BEHIND HIM. A GUN COCKS. BEHIND HAIRY STANDS CHRISTA!:)

CHRISTA:

HEY Hairy!

(Hairy turns around clutching his bleeding stomach. Christa stands looking sexy with a shotgun.)

CHRISTA:

You got owned.....White boy.

(Hairy shakes his head "NO". CHRISTA FIRES! HAIRY GOES OFF THE LEDGE AND DOWN TO THE GROUND BELOW on a CLEAR GREEN PATCH OF LAND! HAIRY let's out a Big "WHOOOOOOO!" as his Weddwhacker he was holding cuts him in his CROTCH on his way to the GROUND. A dull THUD is heard. Christa peers over the LEDGE and see HAIRY laying down....dead....? A MOAN is heard behind Christa. Christa runs to Kyle's side.)

CHRISTA:

Kyle? Are you hurt?

KYLE:

No...i just have a big hole in my stomach..i'm not hurt....

CHRISTA:

Really?

KYLE:

NO!!

(CHRISTA helsp KYLE to his feet. GRANDPA HERTEL Walks in from the Rooftop door limping.)

KYLE:

Grandpa Hertel?

GRANDPA HERTEL:

Hey, boy. What do you think you're doing fighting cannibals without telling me? Boy, I ought'a skob your knob you knucklehead!

KYLE:

Hey, I love my woman...

(Kyle hugs christa and they kiss.Grandpa slaps the back of KYLE'S HEAD.)

GRANDPA HERTEL:

Boy, there will be no fornication while i'm around! Are you some kind of an idiot? Why don't you tell me how much you're proud of me!? I had to kill grandpa...I had to kill him wiht my bare hands.

(Hertel's eye twitches again.)

KYLE:

riigghhht.

CUT TO:

	(E-WING. SWAT TEAM Burst through the FIRE EXIT door witht heir guns armed and cautiously check every room. in the LAST ROOM ON THE LEFT they find something.)

SWAT MAN:

Hey guys I found something!

(The rest of them FOLLOW to the ROOM. In the room JOHN CULPEPPER LAYS ON THE BED RESTRAINED IN THE BED with what looks like  a CATHEDER IN HIS PANTS. Over John's bed there's a sign that says "THIS IS A CANNIBAL!"  JOHN is trying to break out of the RESTRAINTS once he sees the SWAT team members. JOHN'S MOUTH is stuffed with a STEAK with a I.V CORD wrapped around it to hold it in place!)

SWAT MAN 2:

Looks like we got us a live one here boss!

(SARGEANT BISMOL Walks in. SERGEANT BISMOL, 50-ish, 5'9, 159 lbs. wears a BROWN suits, smokes a CIGAR, Has graying hair and is kind of scraggly looking. SERGEANT BISMOL takes a big puff off of his Cigar then smirks.)

SERGEANT BISMOL:

HE's a cannibal huh?

SWAT MAN:

I guess. That's what the sign says.

SERGEANT BISMOL:

Interesting..

(SERGEANTN BISMOL walks up to John and takes the steak off of his mouth.)

SERGEANT BISMOL:

Hey.....how does that steak taste?

(John looks at Sergeant Bismol...and SPITS a wad of steak in his face. SERGEANT Bismol calmly wipes the steak off of his face and starts to walk out.)

SERGEANT BISMOL:

Send in those K-9's and let them bite his crotch Alright?

SWAT MAN 2:

Sure thing.

SERGEANT BISMOL:

I'll see you in jail, cannibal.

(Sergeant Bismol walks out with a smile on his face.)

CUT TO:

	(HOSPITAL PARKING LOT. KYLE, CHRISTA, and GRANDPA HERTEL walk out accompanied by Police officers. Kyle and Christa are sharing a blanket together and GRANDPA HERTEL just walks out normally. Grandma Moody runs to Grandpa Hertel and sees the bruises on his face.)

GRANDMA MOODY:

Oh my god! Are you hurt Hertel?

GRANDPA HERTEL

No i'm not hurt..im fine. just got into a little fight, and went through a skylight and fell 30 ft....but i'm fine..i had to kill some guy with my bare hands I tell ya'

(GRANDPA HERTEL and MOODY walk O.S. KYLE'S MOM runs towards KYLE and gives him a HUGE HUG.)

KYLE'S MOM:

OH I'M SO SORRY KYLE! I shouldn't of left you here alone.

KYLE:

It's alright mom. I'm still alive.

KYLE'S MOM:

Oh..kyle...YOU'RE BLEEDING!?

(KYLE touches his stomach.)

KYLE:

Oh yeah...about that. i'll get that fixed in a...

(There's a bigSEMI-CIRCLE  around the spot where HAIRY landed.)

KYLE:

minute....

(Kyle steps out of the BLANKET and goes to where the commotion is PUSHING away the crowd and all the way to the front. Christa follows. HAIRY ISN'T THERE. The only thing that is there is....A WEEDWHACKER. KYLE. looks suprised...yet also...he knew this was gonna happen. Christa looks calm too.)

CHRISTA:

It's not over yet...is it?

KYLE:

No. He's still out there. He won't mess with us for awhile though, but....the next time he sees us....he'll know....that it'll be his last..

CHRISTA:

I have no idea what you are talking about.

KYLE:

Me Neither, Christa....I love you.

(THEY KISS a BIG, LONG, LOVING KISS.  Scotty passes by with tow of his legs bent the wrong way and his back bent upwards.)

SCOTTY:

KYLE!

KYLE:

Scotty?

SCOTTY:

I LIVED! I'm not gonna die! i just broke 160 of my bones...but i'm gonna live!

KYLE:

Well, that's great...

SCOTTY:

Yeah I know... I did it so...you....and Christa...could see eachother again...

(Scotty starts "Crying")

KYLE:

Is that true?

SCOTTY:

No....I did so maybe i'd have a chance with her..

KYLE:

That's what I thought.

SCOTTY:

Hey, at least i'm honest. You know, after a traumatizing event like this...i'm seriously going to try to clean up my life! I'm gonna head into a new direction! I'm going to.......IM GOING TO THE ARMY! YEAH! THE ARMY!

(A TREE LIMB FALLS ON TOP OF SCOTTY)

SCOTTY:

MOTHER OF GOD HELP ME!

(The Stretcher moves on.)

KYLE:

Well, Christa...we did it again.

CHRISTA: 

whats that?

KYLE:

We survived..

CHRISTA:

Yep...we sure did..

KYLE:

We survived...the Hontubby...Weedwhacker...Incident.

(Pause. Kyle looks around confused.)

uh....2....

(CHRISTA AND KYLE walks away form the camera in the Direction of an ambulance. CAMERA CRANES UP into the SKY. FADE OUT.)

FADE INTO:

	( A DARK FOGGY ROAD. A VAN zooms by slowly. INSIDE THE VAN we see 5 TEENAGERS. The Two in the front seat are SMoking pot and the two in the backseat are MAKING OUT. The guy driving is RANDY, the chick in the front is LAYLA, the chick in the back is MARY and the 2 dudes are STEVE and GREG.)

STEVE:

Man, do you even know where you're going?

RANDY:

Hey dude, I got this alright?

GREG:

So who would win?  BIll Gates or Darth Vader!?

STEVE:

Duh, Darth Vader would because he has a lightsaber

GREG:

Dude, BILL GATES could by his own Uber light saber and he could take the rights to Star Wars and make Darth Vader fall into a vat of acid or something.

RANDY:

Look, Rambo would totally own them both.

LAYLA:

Who's Rambo?

RANDY:

A big famous army dude.

LAYLA:

Oh..like Gary Busey?

RANDY:

What!?

MARY:

LOOK OUT!

( A PORCUPINE SITS IN THE ROAD. RANDY swerves and FLIPS THE VAN OVER hitting a SIGN. After silence for a little while Randy's door opens and Randy crawls out. Randy helps Layla out and Steve and GREG and MARY get out the side door of the Van.)

GREG:

Good job Randy! You totally screwed up the van man!

RANDY:

Hey! It's that damned porcupines fault!

MARY:

Look...just tell us where we are?

( steve picks up the sign they ran over. it says.

DEHART LANE.)

STEVE:

DEFART LANE!?

(CAMERA ROTATES behind STEVE. WE SEE THE HONTUBBY STORE and int eh middle of the GAS TANKS is...

HAIRY!!!!)

(CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON HAIRY! Hairy's MASK HAs fused into his face creating a DEMONIC LOOK. HAIRY SMIRKS.)

LAYLA:

Hey who's that!?

( Hairy smiles a LARGE SMILE. Hairy starts up his Weedwhacker. Raises it above his head and lets out a big FINAL..

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)

FAST CUT TO BLACK:

HARD ROCK music plays as the Credits roll

THE END.