FIGHTING OFF NEW MEXICO (CUT SHORT)
BY
JEFFREY PENA
FADE IN:
INT. CELL
IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.
WARDEN
Frederick McDonald, do you have any
last words?
FRED
Yes I do! You sons of bitches...
give my love to my mother.
CUT TO:
Black. Superimpose:
AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
EXT. THEATER
Kip, late 30`s, walks up to the ticket booth.
KIP
How much for a ticket?
TICKET LADY
Four dollars...
Kip pulls out his wallet and takes out four one-dollar bills
then hands them to the ticket lady. She gives him a ticket.
He walks in the theater and is stopped by the -
TICKET ATTENDANT
You are aware that the motion
picture you are about to see is not
suitable for our older audiences,
and you may not be able to handle
the strong sexual themes, explicit
nudity... vulgar and derogatory
language.
Kip seems to ignore him and walks over to the concession
stand. A rather large woman, Linda, serves him.
KIP
Large popcorn.
LINDA
Butter?
KIP
Ah, no. Raises my cholesterol.
LINDA
You want a drink with that.
KIP
Ah, ya, Dr. Pepper?
LINDA
Will Mr. Pibb do?
KIP
Ya, tastes the same to me.
Kip leaves and walks into Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs.
INSIDE
He walks through an almost empty audience and sits near the
front.
ON SCREEN
Every ten seconds our so, a message comes up: OMITTED -
SCENE 8a, OMITTED - SCENE 12C, OMITTED - SCENE 17d, ext. Kip
looks around wondering what`s going on.
SLOW DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LIBRARY
Superimpose: A quick word from our producers...
An old man, the producer of this film, sitting in a large
chair.
MAN
Today, we present our first feature
film 'Fighting Off New Mexico'...
(looks offscreen)
... opps, I guess they changed they
title to...
(looks offscreen)
... to WHAT! We can`t use that!
He rips the mic off his jacket and storms off.
INT. LABORATORY
A terminator-like creature is fighting off guards while a
doctor tries to inject a clear fluid into it`s arm... when
it kills the last remaining human. FREEZE FRAME and HOLD ON
THIS IMAGE as a male VOICE speaks:
VOICE (V.O.)
9 million humans were terminated on
January 23, 1984. They outlived the
after affects of machines. Only to
face a new enemy.
CU on the face of a series 86, model 217... PAN DOWN the
massive body, body-builder like.
VOICE (V.O.)
He was sent to earth to stop the
forces that cometh.
An enormous light rushing towards earth. Crashes along a
long narrow strip of a highway. Emerging nicely with it`s
scenery, blending in `n out of the vast colors, morphing
like a lizard in fear.
VOICE (V.O.)
They forgot one thing...
Stepping into the first lane, oddly small. A small dust
cloud is what`s left of it after a 18-wheeler crushes it
like a bug with a fly swatter.
VOICE (V.O.)
Never send a prototype!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. NEWS DESK
REPORTER
Girls run from pimple face, new
love at the urinal!
CUT TO:
INT. PHONE BOOTH
Frank, a middle-aged man... frantically tries to cut pass
another gentleman...
FRANK
I have to call my wife... please!
After thanking the gentleman, he dials 1-800-****-***... a
woman answers...
VOICE (WOMAN)
(sexy)
Hello, and welcome to the Fetish
Hotline.
FRANK
Honey, it`s me...
VOICE (WOMAN)
Oh, hi Frank. Having any trouble at
work?
FRANK
No, no. I was wondering if I could
have the pleasure of petting you
pussy, tonight...
VOICE (WOMAN)
I don`t know? She does need some
attention... your bother did it
earlier... but he suffered mild
scratches, so, I don`t know?
FRANK
Well, if you`d move that goddamn
cat from your lap, nobody would get
hurt...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. COP CRUISER
Officer Cobain patrols a neighborhood known for drugs and
alcohol offenders.
Passing by 'Whitey,' Cobain double-backs and cuts him off.
'Whitey', is a 40ish, unshaven, ex-employee of Keene
Construction and singing the blues by way of Vodka straight
outta the bottle...
COBAIN
Well well. We meet again. Been
drinking today, Whitey?
He`s of course drunk; slurred speech and staggering to stand
up. And he`s on the street instead of the sidewalk.
WHITEY
Ah, no no. I was just --
COBAIN
Coming from a bar?
WHITEY
Hey, your not supposed to drive
drunk, so I thought 'hey, I`ll
walk!'.
COBAIN
That was a good idea, until you
decided to harass bystanders.
WHITEY
I didn`t --
COBAIN
Alright... come over here.
Cobain motions 'Whitey' to walk over along on the sidewalk.
COBAIN
Okay, what I want you to do is walk
in a straight line. Place one foot
in front of the other, kay?
WHITEY
Ya ya. You don`t have to tell me
twice.
Cobain chuckles at the fact he ordered that only once.
COBAIN
Now walk over to me.
To say the least, he tries... and fails miserably.
WHITEY
Ah, come on that things rigged!
COBAIN
Let`s see if you can spell the
alphabet...
WHITEY
Piece of cake.
He composes himself and takes a deep breathe.
WHITEY
A... S-S... H-O-L-E. There!
COBAIN
Okay, I`ve seen enough --
WHITEY
No! Ask me something else man. Give
a brother a second chance here.
COBAIN
Alright, what`s two plus two?
WHITEY
(thinking long and hard)
Seven... no wait, I know, six!
(laughs)
See? I`m fine.
COBAIN
The answer is four, which is how
many months you`ll be in jail again.
WHITEY
Man, I wouldn`t have know that
anyway. I didn`t even finish Junior
High.
COBAIN
Hands behind your back.
Cobain starts to cuff him and walks him to the back car door
all the while reading him his rights.
FADE OUT:
INT. CELL
In the ELECTRIC CHAIR.
INMATE
I'd like to thank my family for
loving me and taking care of me.
And the rest of the world can kiss
my ass.
CUT TO:
Black. Superimpose:
SERIOUSLY, NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
INT. AIRPORT - TERMINAL 57
Airport dating show... a cheesy host strides on stage...
HOST
Welcome, I`m your host, Dick
Fullgrown... and this...
(ecstatic)
... is the Chinese-American Dating
Show!
Cheap oldies music plays during the high points of the game.
HOST (CONT`D)
Okay, let`s meet our contestant...
A beautiful woman comes into view sitting on a stool...
holding a large index card...
HOST (CONT`D)
Vallory Lane... business consultant
for Bio-Tech Communications... she
likes long walks on the beach and
romantic picnics... Hello, Vallory.
VALLORY
Hi...
(under breathe)
... Dick.
HOST
Well, what brings you here on our
game show...
(laughs)
...sexual insufficiencies!
VALLORY
Well, sometimes he can`t come, but
his doctor said it`ll pass... but I
think he can`t handle...
(models)
... this.
HOST
Okay, now that we`ve met our
contestant... lets meet Vallory`s
potential dates...
Two hunky chinese men sit side-by-side and something is
off... it`s Vallory`s husband and he`s sitting next to the
chinese men...
HOST (CONT`D)
Lóng Johnson, owner of a successful
meat packing company. Don
MéDick`nson, a unemployed caretaker
currently living with his momma.
And what`s this? Vallory`s husband?
Wow! Well, let`s see, Mike? Mike`s
a legal consult for the Sun Times
in Los Angeles.
Back on announcer.
HOST (CONT`D)
Now, for those who don`t watch the
show, shame on you. But seriously
now, the rules: the dates must
convince Vallory why she should
take them out on a date or else.
Split screen of the host standing by Vallory and the three
dates.
HOST (CONT`D)
Okay, Vallory shoot.
Vallory reads questions from the index card.
VALLORY
Lóng, What would you do to heal my
aching back after a long day at work?
LÓNG
Let`s see. A long soothing bath,
filled with Mr. Bubbles; only four
ninety-nine at Kelos. Then a
sensual massage by these famous
hands. And finally a nice long fuck!
VALLORY
(blushing; giggles)
Okay. Don, What would be a ideal
date for you?
DON
Um, 5'7", long blond hair, a nice
big rack, and an ass to match!
VALLORY
Okay. Hi Mike.
MIKE
Hey honey.
VALLORY
What is the perfect setting for our
date?
MIKE
Oh, I know this! Eating at Dolce
Vita, red wine, not too much, and a
long walk home under the moonlight!
VALLORY
You should know I don`t like red
wine, it`s white wine, and I hate
Dolce Vita. The waiters always hit
on me.
HOST
Well, what`s your decision Vallory?
VALLORY
I choose.... Lóng.
HOST
Well there you have it folks, Lóng
it is. Now let`s meet the losers.
Don come on out...
Don gets off the stool and walks over past the divider and
to Vallory.
HOST (CONT`D)
... and Vallory`s husband, not for
long I might be so bold to say, Mike.
Mike doesn`t understand.
HOST (CONT`D)
Well, folks. You know what happens
now... Dylan?
A big ass motherfucker in a butcher uniform walks out to the
host holding a meat clever.
MIKE
Wait a sec. Your not going to?
Dylan raises the clever... Mike runs like hell... but is
caught by security.
MIKE (O.S.)
Hold on. Vallory? Oh, God. Help!
Help!
(cries)
Pleaseeee!
Cheap chinese porno music ends the show.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CLIFF
Small lines of suicide jumpers prepare to jump... gathering
around their respected SIGNS:
Please don`t leave me!
I Love You!
Last Chance?
Alright, fucking jump already!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ROAD - DAY
A Ford Dakota flies down the winding road... sun beams
reflect off the windows. As the host of the commercial sells
the car.
HOST(V.O.)
Be the first to get the new `03
Ford Dakota hot off the press as
they say in other countries. Car
and Driver ranks Ford Dakotas
number one in automotive
accidents... Troubled Times says,
"Dakotas are in. Drivers are thrown
out!" Crystal Meth. raves, "Tinted
windows help insure unwanted
visitors" So come on down to Rick`s
Auto Sales, and drive off in the
most suicidal vehicle offered
anywhere!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CONFESSIONAL
A famous celebrity walks into the confessional.
FAMOUS CELEB
Father, forgive me, for I have
sinned.
FATHER
Well, why don`t you tell me about it?
FAMOUS CELEB
Okay. It started when I met this
wonderful guy on the set of my new
movie. And we just sort of hit it
off. Next thing I know we`re in
bed. I know you`re not supposed to
have pre-marital sex, but let me to
you... I haven`t came that hard
since my college years.
FATHER
And you want to repent this sin?
FAMOUS CELEB
Yes, father.
OVER ON THE FATHER`S SIDE
sits a tabloid reporter, with a oversized notepad, and tape
recorder.
FATHER
I have a feeling there`s more to
this story.
FAMOUS CELEB
This man I met, he`s my ex-
husband`s father.
The father looks up, and thanks GOD.
INT. CELL
In the INJECTION CHAIR.
INMATE # 2
I did`t get my Spaghetti-O's, I got
spaghetti. I want the press to know
this, dammit!
CUT TO:
INT. BANK
Three men hold up the bank. Machine gun in hand.
A couple argue about something.
MAN
I`m telling you this isn`t real.
It`s just a movie. We`re actors.
WOMAN
What are you saying? You want to
break up with me, is that it? You
don`t have to make up some stupid
story, just say it.
MAN
I`m not your boyfriend. I`m an
actor playing your boyfriend.
BANK ROBBERY #1
Hey, you two. Shut the fuck up,
will ya?
WOMAN
Your gonna get us killed.
MAN
You can`t die on a movie set. Watch.
(beat)
Hey, asshole. I think I want to die
today.
The three bank robbers all shoot at him.
The MAN flies backwards into a PATTED MAT.
DIRECTOR
That was excellent. Slate?
CREW MEMBER
Slate is good.
DIRECTOR
All right that`s a wrap. Let`s have
a hand for Mark and Helen.
Twenty or so crew members stop what they`re doing so they
can clap and cheer.
MARK
See. Just a movie.
HELEN
That wasn`t a movie. This is!
They walk toward the outside lot.
MARK
What the hell are you talking about?
HELEN
We`re shooting a movie.
MARK
We just wrapped it. It`s over. Two
months of hard work, complete.
Finally.
Outside, a CAR CHASE heads toward them, fast.
HELEN
Look out, Mark!
First, the SUSPECTS CAR hits him dead on. Then the police
all roll over him.
DIRECTOR #2
Wonderful.
SAFEY CREW MEMBER
He`s dead! Something went wrong.
DIRECTOR #2
Oh well, we got the shot. That`s
all that matters anyway.
CUT TO:
INT. CAB
A businessman and a woman, who could easily pass a model,
get into a cab. The CAB DRIVER pulls out onto the street.
Over the DISPATCH:
DISPATCHER
Guys, be on the look out. A few of
our cabs have car jacked.
ON THE DASH
the cab driver`s I.D. is empty.
The businessman looks around.
BUSINESSMAN
I think we lost her.
MODEL
Why do we have to keep hiding our
relationship? I thought you told
you already?
BUSINESSMAN
I will. I will. It`s just, now
isn`t a good time. She`s pregnant.
MODEL
What? Why are you still wasting
valuable sperm with her. I`m the
one who wants a fucking kid.
Behind the cab. TWO POLICE CRUISERS.
The cab driver steps on the gas.
BUSINESSMAN
Well. If your that serious. Let`s
get started.
MODEL
Here?
BUSINESSMAN
Why not?
MODEL
Okay.
They begin to undress each other. Kissing passionately.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREETS
ANGLE THROUGH AN ALLEY from the main street. THE CAB blazes
by a block away. Hold a beat. Then...
A POLICE CRUISER`S TIRE ENTERS FRAME. BOOM UP the side of
the cruiser to reveal: San Francisco Police. And CLOSE IN
through the open window... Capt. DEACON speaking into the
radio...
CAPT. DEACON
Baker one nine, in pursuit of
unknown suspect.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREETS
AT THE INTERSECTION - THE TRAFFIC LIGHT is RED. A FERRARI
wanders into the intersection.
INT. CAB - MOVING
THE CAB DRIVER runs the red light... he throws the wheel to
avoid hitting the ferrari --
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREETS
-- The cab PLOWS into the ferrari`s BACK END, throwing it
into a violent spin. The CAB ROARS through the intersection
as --
The FERRARI SLAMS into a FIRE HYDRANT... causing it to SPRAY
gallons of water into the air and on oncoming POLICE...
Two police cruisers and Capt. Deacon speed past the soaked
intersection and charge after the cab.
INT. POLICE CRUISER - MOVING
Capt. Deacon frustrated... Officer Jefferson seemingly
exciting by the chase... when we HEAR the VOICE of the --
POLICE DISPATCH (O.S.)
Attention: suspect has T.A.`d with
ferrari. One unlucky sonofabitch!
POLICE DISPATCH (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Switch to open channel 6. All units
stand-by.
CAPT. DEACON
Baker one nine, in pursuit of a Red
Light cab, heading Westbound on
Northshore Avenue.
The cab driver takes a HARD RIGHT down and alley, losing the
police momentarily.
He crosses the street and turns into a MOTEL parking lot.
CAB DRIVER
We`re here... that`ll be fourteen
dollars even.
The model pulls up her dress, and the businessman puts his
pants back on.
He gives the driver a twenty.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CAB - A FEW MINUTES LATER
A middle-age CASTING AGENT flags the cab down. She`s on a
CELL PHONE and gets in...
CASTING AGENT
Fifth and Broadway please.
He drives on.
CASTING AGENT (CONT`D)
Susan... Susan. NO! Don`t you dare
hire that wannabe actor... yes, yes
he did, but... well... money isn`t
everything... I understand... I do.
EXT. FREEWAY
THE CAB... races along it... 3 SQUAD CARS NOW ON IT`S TAIL.
A POLICE CHOPPER has arrived on the scene... Camera out.
POLICE DISPATCH (O.S.)
Attention all units. Pursuit is now
westbound on the 76; all units in
the area assist. Code 3.
He takes the Mason Road exit... heavy construction ahead...
large rock hills form a perimeter along the rugged road...
as she comes to a dead-end...
SQUAD CARS block the way he came from... he's pinned...
slows to a stop. Police surround ever possible exit, or so
we think...
Cops jump out of their cars, guns drawn.
POLICE DISPATCH (O.S.) (CONT`D)
All units. Pursuit has terminated.
Repeat --
Capt. Deacon grabs the bullhorn from the trunk and speaks
into it:
CAPT. DEACON
(amplified)
You`ve seemed to run out of road
punk. Now just step out of the car
and put your hands on your head.
He thinks... frustrated... sees a possible exit... a SMALL
RAMP leading to the other side of the rock hill... punches
the gas... the chopper above him...
POLICE DISPATCH (O.S.)
Attention all units. Road block
being set up at the exit ramp to
Mason Road. Use caution. Repeat:
Use caution.
He ROARS down the small embankment... heading straight for --
A RAMP
Where the cops have just set up the road block... cops have
their guns drawn... but he can`t see them just yet...
He SOARS at the ramp... as it LAUNCHES HIM in a notorious
SLO-MO OVER THE FRONT HALF OF A COP CAR.
Where he lands an almost perfectly... turns back onto the
freeway blending in with the moderate traffic...
The casting agent realizes they`re not on the street anymore.
CASTING AGENT
Why aren`t we on the freeway?
The cab driver turns to look at her.
It`s REMARKABLE. The face is a GOD.
CASTING AGENT (CONT`D)
Say, do you have an agent?
She mocks a camera frame.
CASTING AGENT (CONT`D)
I have this commericial coming up.
We need a young charming kind of
guy. What do say. Are you free?
CAB DRIVER
I think so.
CASTING AGENT
Okay.
She takes out her cell phone. Dials.
CASTING AGENT (CONT`D)
Susan... ya... I know... listen,
shut up. I think I`ve found someone
for that commercial you were
talking about.
SLOW DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BEDROOM
Two freshmen play russian roulette.
FRESHMAN
Don't worry. It isn`t not loaded.
CUT TO:
INT. RESIDENCE
A TALL fella, Jim, opens looks outside. It`s raining 'cats
and dogs.' He gets an UMBRELLA from the closet. Opens it,
takes a deep breath and steps outside.
The LIVING ROOM catches FIRE from cloth placed over a lamp.
EXT. RESIDENCE
Almost in a musical state, a la 'I`m singing in the rain':
Jim walks outside his home, carrying a briefcase...
He walks UNDERNEATH a LADDER holding his WIFE... as she
falls to her grave.
INT. RESTAURANT
Jim sitting alone, digs into his french fries ... when he
reaches for the SALT, he knocks it over.
He shakes a pinch of salt into his hand, and throws it over
his left shoulder.
Some BIG GUY turns around. MUTE: he says some obscenities.
PUNCHES Jim in the face, knocking him to the ground.
INT. TRUCK
Jim drives along a deserted road... singing to himself.
He drives past a sign reading:
WELCOME TO CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE
CUT TO:
INT. STUDIO
The broadcaster makes an editorial note.
NEWS BROADCASTER
And now, in keeping with Channel
40's policy of always bringing you
the latest blood and gut stories,
live and in living color, you're
about to see another first - an
attempted suicide.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK
A beautiful scenery surrounds two girls making out... PAN
AWAY like we`re gonna FADE TO BLACK, but stay with this
image and ZOOM IN... all the while rolling credits...
A drunk man stumbles around them... so drunk, he doesn`t
even realize what`s going on... singing some sexy song...
FADE OUT: