ALF n DICK by Michael Everett 

Part one - “Dumped”

INT. DAY. ALF’S FLAT 

Cut to. ALF “The Calculator“ EVANS, a 43 year old loveable gluttonous beer bellied fallen darts player. The down and out 27 times winner of the E.A.D.O (East Anglian Darts Organisation), sits at a table in his gloomy flat staring at a set of three darts, while listening to Nick Drake. 

(Beat) 

DICK, his young, mind wondering, puzzle inventing, friend enters. ALF doesn’t want anyone to see him depressed so he decides to look busy; he picks up a cloth and puts his headphones down. 

DICK
What ever you do don’t talk to me, 
I need to write something down
 before I forget it, I need a pen and 
paper, quick  

DICK gets a piece of paper and starts to write something down

DICK
Registration number N23 4FG, 
old lady knocked over, probably
 dead, driver was white, male, curly 
brown hair. Call police immediately 
             
                (pushes paper aside)
             
                So how’s your day been?

ALF
Pretty good   

DICK
Hang on what’s the matter?  

ALF
What?

DICK
Something’s wrong here, 
you’re cleaning

ALF
So 

DICK picks up Ipod

DICK
And you’ve been listening to
Nick Drake, something’s up

ALF
Nothings up 

DICK
The last time you listened
to him was when you lost ‘blankie’  

ALF 
I know 

DICK
You’re being glum again aren’t
you? 

ALF
No I’m not

DICK
Come on you can tell your 
young gay lover

ALF
Dick your not gay and 
we’re not lovers
Just because I’m cleaning doesn’t 
mean I’m being glum, in fact
I clean all the time 

DICK
Looks like you need Dick to cheer 
you up. Tell you what I’ll show you 
the new puzzles I’ve invented 

ALF
I hate puzzles 

Dick produces photo from pocket. 

DICK
Ta da. I call it
spot the suppository

ALF
Is that my arse?

DICK
Yeah I took it while you were
asleep, what do you think?

ALF
It’s rubbish  

DICK
This one will blow you over 
took me two days to perfect it 

DICK turns over the photo.

DICK
Draw a circle using someone
else’s blood

ALF
How’s that a puzzle? 

DICK
You have to get someone
else’s blood.

ALF
Has anyone ever said you’re 
the worst puzzle inventor ever

DICK
 Everyone 

ALF
Maybe you should try 
something else 

DICK
No way my life is totally 
dedicated to this
(Beat)
Bullseye time, come on Alf it’s 
time to stay out of the red get 
two in a bed and shout, THAT’S 
THE BULL 

ALF
You can’t 

DICK
What?

ALF
TV’S broken 

DICK
Again?

ALF
Yeah, haven’t had it fixed 
yet, maybe tomorrow 

DICK
             OK, Hang on this happens every week , each                                                                                                              time I want to watch Bullseye you say the TV’S  
broken, when Bullseye isn’t on it works perfectly, which means something fishy is going on here 

ALF
Nothing fishy at all  

DICK
You fancy Jim Bowen don’t you?

ALF
Yeah you caught me, I love Jim Bowen 

DICK
Fair enough, you’re pro darts, I’m a pro puzzler, I’ve got a thing for the Sodoku master Mazukaati.

ALF
 I’m not a 
professional darts player anymore,
             I’ve officially retired.

DICK
 It’s Bullseye though, the 
only sport on telly  

ALF
No

DICK
But you were so good 

ALF
I wasn’t good, I was the best
               180.….180.….141.….nine dart 
check out thank you very much, 
god I miss it  

DICK
I thought you said you didn’t

ALF
What, I mean I don’t, 
stupid darts

DICK
Why did you retire? 

ALF
You know I don’t like talking
 about that 

DICK
That’s why I’m asking,
I heard through the grape vine
They forced you to hang up your darts.

ALF 
No, no one forced me to retire.

DICK
So you didn’t retire because of the shame
		Of a driving offence?

ALF
Yeah, but I quit before they
sent me the Golden dart  

DICK
So what actually happened

ALF tells his story

ALF
Well, two years ago, 
I was driving up the
A507 to the Orange Tree pub in Baldock for 
my 28th consecutive Final. For the 3rd year in a row my opponent was Dave The clergy man Smith. Always a good tussle Anyway I was only two miles away from giving him 
the biggest arse whipping of his life when I was pulled over

DICK
Go on

ALF
Took me in for driving 
erratically, I spent the night in 
jail, missed the final and I haven’t 
been back since  

DICK
For drink driving? 

ALF
No I got charged with E.W.D

DICK is puzzled 

ALF
Eating while driving. 
I’ve been living a lie Dick
I do miss playing darts, I miss it 
everyday. I get cold sweats thinking about it…all 
because of a scotch egg

ALF picks up a scotch egg that is lying around. He goes to throw it away but decides to eat it

DICK
Why not pick up the darts again, it’ll be like 
riding an elephant, you never 
forget that, you could be famous 
again    

ALF
No thanks, you know what they called me 
after I got out of jail, the scotch egg man

DICK
What’s the matter with that?

ALF
Everything, it’s the reason why I don’t watch 
things like Bullseye or any kind of darts, 
because  they always
 mention the scotch egg man. Not Alf the calculator 
man who could checkout in the most dazzling ways possible, but Alf the scotch egg man, the bloke who got 
banged up for a meat based crime. 
Plus I can’t pick up my darts for some reason  

DICK
It’s easy all you’ve got to do is 
pick em up and start throwing 

ALF
I would love to but I’ve tried 
so many times to pick up
my trusty 19 gram nickel plated 
shooters, but I just can’t 

ALF goes to pick up a set of darts but struggles to make contact

ALF
See, It’s ridiculous.

ALF tries again but gives up, he sighs

ALF
My life is so meaningless and if 
it weren’t for the woman upstairs, 
(aside)who I’m madly in love(stop aside) with I’d hang 
myself, (aside)after I’ve seen her naked
 of course  

DICK
That’s a sad story.

ALF
Hey Dick thanks for listening 

DICK
Hmm?
						
					  ALF
				I said thanks for listening

					  DICK
				  S’alright

FADE OUT

FADE IN

INT. DAY. ALF’S FLAT

We hear ‘Blue’ by Joni Mitchell come from the flat above. DICK looks up

DICK (Shouting) 
Judith’s been dumped again

ALF enters. 

ALF
What?

DICK
She’s playing sad music again. 

ALF
Yes, finally, after three months, 
four hours and sixteen minutes the woman
of my dreams has been dumped, looks like
this day is going to get better after all 

DICK
Aren’t you sweet

ALF
What?

DICK
A crush on your neighbour 
upstairs, it’s nice  

ALF
It’s not a crush, 

DICK
 Obsession? 

ALF
Yes, I remember the first and
only time we met. I was eating a B.L.T and 
she was burning her last boyfriends moped, for me,
it was love at first sight
(Beat)
This is it Calculator  
the woman you’ve always wanted since 
stopping darts is in your your grasp, no more 
masturb…eing alone, it’s
time to get serious. But what do I say? I 
haven’t asked a woman out for 2 years
But I use to be a legend at hauling, that‘s what us darts players call it, pulling is so, not darts. All it took was one quick flash of me gold flights and they were all over me like syrup on chips. But now, for some reason I end up asking them if they like fruit. 

The music stops. We hear the door go followed by loud footsteps 

ALF
Shit, she’s coming down 

ALF panics, he starts to tidy up. DICK copies him 

ALF 
What are you doing?

DICK 
Copying you 

ALF
How do I look?

DICK
Like an ex regional darts champion.

ALF
Good enough, 
OK she’s nearly here, whatever you 
do don’t talk about boyfriends 
and most importantly don’t tell her I 
       listen to everything she does through the
hole in my bedroom ceiling, in fact, 
don’t even talk. 
From now on you’re a 
mute  

DICK 
Cool 

ALF goes to his front door, he prepares himself, he tries to suck in his belly, even pushing it in. JUDITH knocks, loudly. ALF quickly opens the door 

ALF
Judith

JUDITH enters.

JUDITH
How do you know my name?

ALF
Lucky guess, come in
Excuse the mess

JUDITH
I have some bad news,
I have just dumped George, 
the Bastard had it coming  
my boobs aren’t wallpaper, he can’t paste 
them with his seed when and where he likes, 
so I told him to piss off. 

ALF
Thank god 

JUDITH
 But after six bars of chocolate 
and phoning Jeremy Kyle I’m 
               losing my mind. 

ALF 
 And you want my help? 
 
JUDITH
Yes, due to obsessively annoying the 
neighbours with my troubles they 
are now ignoring me and you’re the 
last one left 

ALF
Excellent 

JUDITH
I like your enthusiasm, 

ALF
I’ll help in anyway I can,
 advice, DIY, relationship  

JUDITH 
I need a cup of sugar  

ALF
I can do sugar

JUDITH
For my nipples  

ALF
Nipples?

JUDITH
Yes these

JUDITH points to her nipples

JUDITH 
I read on the internet that 
if you rub it over your
nipples it cleanses you from 
all evil that you’re previous 
boyfriend has tainted you with, 
do you have any?

ALF
Two

JUDITH
I meant sugar 

ALF
Yes, get nipples, sugar

ALF stumbles out

(Beat)

JUDITH
Who are you?

DICK
Mute

ALF comes back, with bag of sugar  

ALF
Here you go take as much as 
your,  lovely pointy nipples need 

JUDITH 
You know this has been far more 
successful than I anticipated,
you’re not the freak I thought 
you were 

ALF
Thanks

JUDITH 
So I have decided anything I need, 
I will now come to you 

ALF
Me 

JUDITH
You don’t mind do you?

ALF
No, take anything, need a 
kidney yours, testicles for your 
brother, yours. Not sure about 
the liver, might be a bit pickled(laughs)

JUDITH
That settles it from now on you are my 
new neighbour buddy stroke dogs body, 
this means we can talk about anything 

ALF
Anything? 

JUDITH
We are buddy neighbours, what’s 
mine is mine what’s yours in mine  

ALF
 There was one thing I’ve 
always wanted to know which I haven’t 
heard you talk about, what do you 
like in men?

JUDITH
  Well, if I ever get over my addiction of 
picking up morons I would say he had to
be kind, considerate, willing to 
learn from his stupid mistakes and 
he would most definitely without
a doubt NOT be a pig.

Cut to. ALF finds himself eating from the bags of sugar, he quickly spits it out

ALF
I hate pigs too, I’m Jewish. If you want 
my advice you shouldn’t wait, go out there
and get another man straight away, like me.
You know they use to call me Alf the 
Calculator Evans 

ALF 
56 times 45 equals 2520
 divided by 15 equals 168 

 ALF looks at JUDITH, who wasn’t paying attention

JUDITH
You know what you’re right, 
I shouldn’t wait around, 
sod mourning

DICK
Yeah mornings are rubbish 

JUDITH
I’ve decided I want a new 
boyfriend straight away. 

ALF
What, really?

ALF’S face lights up

JUDITH
Yeah a successful one
with money 

DICK
Hey Alf used to play darts 

JUDITH 
 The only thing I know about 
darts players is they’re fat
so you must
 be the darts player everyone 
keeps going on about

ALF
Well I don’t like to brag

JUDITH
Who’d have thought a  
darts player would give such good advice. Well
best be off, got a new man to find before tea.
Looks like I wont be needing your sugar
 for my nipples after all 

DICK eggs him on

ALF
Judith?

JUDITH
Yes my new neighbour buddy 
who gives great advice 

ALF
Can I ask you a question?

JUDITH
Anything 

ALF
Do you like fruit?

JUDITH 
That’s such a sweet, stupid 
 question. Well see you
next time new neighbour
buddy 

JUDITH leaves. ALF looks dejected 

ALF
This is terrible

ALF eats sugar  

DICK
You weren’t that bad 

ALF  
You heard her, she hates pigs 

DICK
You’re not a pig, unless you turn 
into one when you get angry

ALF
But look at me

ALF demonstrates his belly 

ALF
If lived on a farm I’d be the 
mother of twelve hungry piglets   

DICK
True, but at least your nose 
doesn’t look like a snout, a cats 
bum hole maybe.

ALF
I’m the biggest swine this country 
has to offer, I haven’t got a chance.
You know what Dick, that’s it

ALF throws the bags of sugar away

DICK
Alf you’re scaring me 

ALF
I think it’s time to 
lose some weight 

DICK stands up, shocked 

DICK
Not your darts belly

ALF
Yes my darts belly 

DICK
This is serious, can I help?

ALF
I’m going to need your help, if I want to 
get slim before the love of my life
 gets a new boyfriend we have to work 
fast, we’ve only got

ALF looks at his watch

ALF
Four hours 

ALF grabs his fat belly

ALF
OK Roger, it’s time 
to get slim 

Music Montage - A selection of scenes of ALF trying to get fit to music 
Lights off lights on

 ALF doing press ups

Light off light on  

Alf doing sit ups

Light off lights on
 
Alf doing star jumps

Lights off lights on

Alf and Dick Playing slappsies

Lights off 

Music cuts out

ALF
I can’t see your hands in the dark
Lights on

(looking up) really should get those seen to, how did we 
Do?
DICK
40  seconds the bad news is 
you’re still fat

ALF
Ok,the good news?

DICK
No. 

ALF starts to get depressed

ALF
Lets face it I’ll always be a fat pig

DICK
Maybe you can get her a gift, 
what does she like? teddies, 
road kill? 

	ALF	
(Alf leafs through pad)
Naked men made out of
Malaysian wood 

The door bell rings. ALF gets it, it’s the postman

POSTMAN
One to sign 

ALF signs for the package. The POSTMAN recognises ALF 

POSTMAN
Are you that legendary 
E.A.D.O darts player?

ALF 
Yeah, do you want my 
Autograph? 

POSTMAN
No

ALF
Oh

POSTMAN
I remember watching you as a kid.
 I wanted to be just like you when I
 was older, minus the belly.

ALF
What happened, you get married 
and she put a stop to your dreams

POSTMAN 
No, I found out you got sent to 
jail for eating a penis, pervert 

The POSTMAN throws ALF the package and leaves in disgust 

ALF
It was a scotch egg 
actually, not a cock 

ALF shuts the door

ALF
That’s the last time I speak to the tabloids

DICK
This must be mine 

DICK takes the package

Hang on my name isn’t 
Judith East

ALF
What?

DICK
This aint mine 

ALF
It’s hers

ALF smells the package

Ah….Judith, this is it, the perfect opportunity
to go up there, and it will distract 
her from my tum tum. 

ALF looks at his watch
 
give me the package 

 DICK is about to open the package 

ALF
What are you doing?

DICK
Opening it

ALF snatches it back

ALF
That’s private

DICK
Says you with the notepad full of 
info on the neighbour you’re madly
in love with 

ALF
That’s different, this could be
personal stuff or 
it could even be urgent,
 which is even better 
I’m going up
Fade out

Ext of JUDITH’S FLAT 

 ALF Knocks at JUDITH’S door.

JUDITH
New neighbour buddy, you’ve brought 
me my package, you’re so sweet

                          Alf
                   Wow.

                          JUDITH
              There’s a darts programme on telly. 
				Do you wanna come in?

					ALF
				Um…. 
The end.