FADE IN:

EXT. DINER - DAY

A sunny day, small town, a quiet comfortable eatery on Main
street.  Once in a while, a car or pickup truck passes by.

Two men, ALLEN, and JEFF, 30s, casual attire, sit in a booth
of the mostly deserted and well-worn establishment with
coffee.  Allen eats pie.  Jeff reads from the paper...

                         JEFF
             Listen to this: "Police in Haley,
             South Carolina, were at loss to
             explain the mysterious murder of
             local farmer Alvin Diddler, found
             dead in his field last Saturday.
             According to his wife Millie, her
             husband had wandered into a
             nearby section of his property on
             morning rounds when a loud
             gunshot was heard.  She
             immediately went to see what the
             commotion was, only to find her
             elderly husband's lifeless body
             lying on the ground with not a
             soul nearby.  His semi-automatic
             rifle was some twenty feet away,
             so police quickly ruled out
             suicide, and the only possible
             witnesses were his herd of cows.
             With no signs of intruders,
             police were perplexed by the
             circumstances of this incident
             until a large dent was discovered
             in the side of Mr. Diddler's
             rifle, of the type that could
             only be made by a very heavy
             object.  Upon further inspection,
             it was found the dent matched
             exactly the size of a Holstein
             cow's hoof.  It seems the farmer
             had laid his gun against the side
             of a stump, turned to relieve
             himself, and shortly after had
             most of his head blown off by one
             of his cows.  He was seventy-nine
             years old."  Huh.

                         ALLEN
             Death by Holstein.  I'm surprised
             it didn't happen earlier.

                                                            2.

                         JEFF
             How's that?

                         ALLEN
             I don't like cows.  Cows are evil.
             I'm afraid of cows.

                         JEFF
                  (laughs)
             How can you be afraid of cows?
             They're like fourteen-hundred
             pound milk bottles, with legs.
             They don't even have any front
             teeth.  They wander around in
             fields all day, eating grass and
             going "moo."  They give meat and
             dairy and fart a lot then they
             die.  The end.

                         ALLEN
             Any animal that weighs more than
             a grizzly bear and has a brain
             the size of a walnut is dangerous.

Jeff picks up a fork, makes stabbing motions towards Allen...

                         JEFF
             Moo, moo, moo...

                         ALLEN
             They're also probably the most
             destructive species of animal
             ever invented, by man.

                         JEFF
             Moo, moo...

                         ALLEN
             Have you ever considered how many
             thousands or millions of acres of
             pristine, virgin wilderness have
             been destroyed in the name of
             clearing land for cattle?

                         JEFF
             C'mon, my uncle's got a dairy
             farm about twenty minutes from
             here.  Lots of big, scary cows.
             You've got to get over this fear.

                         ALLEN
             I don't want to.

                                                            3.

                         JEFF
             You can pet the baby calves...
             and... he's got a daughter,
             eighteen or nineteen, you'll like.

                         ALLEN
             Really?

                         JEFF
             Very well-formed, probably from
             all that whole milk, everything
             in the right place, and then some.
             Pristine, maybe even virgin.

                         ALLEN
             Let's go.

EXT. DAIRY FARM - DAY

Jeff stands talking to his uncle ED, 50s, a big, smiling,
garrulous man in a checkered shirt and jeans.  He LAUGHS
heartily as Jeff points to Allen and tells his story...

                         JEFF
                  (mocking Allen voice...)
             "Because cows are evil.  Anything
             that weighs eight times more than
             I do and is dumber than a dog is
             a devil!"

                         ED
                  (laughs)
             Did he mention their smell?
             Everyone mentions that.  All that
             methane gas into the atmosphere,
             warming up the ozone, melting the
             glaciers -- we're all going to
             washed away in a flood any time
             now!  Quick -- get out the boat!

From a distance, an female voice calls out.

                         SHANA
             Hey, Daddy.

SHANA, an exquisite, glowing, voluptuous blond girl arrives.
Instantly, she takes interest in Jeff, staring at him lustily.

                         ED
             Hey, darlin'.  Come and meet
             cousin Jeffy and his friend,
             Allen.  Allen's afraid of cows.

                                                            4.

                         SHANA
                  (sympathetic)
             Oh, no.  Really?  Come here,
             honey, I'll save you.  Daddy,
             I'll just take him on a tour of
             the place.

Shana takes Jeff by the hand.

                         ED
             Okay.  Watch out for the green
             cows.  They bite.

                         SHANA
             Stop that!

INT. BARN - DAY

Shana and Jeff enter.  About a hundred cows stand attached
to milking machines.

                         JEFF
             Green cows?

                         SHANA
             He's kidding.  There's no such
             thing, though sometimes they get
             green eye from eating the wrong
             things.

                         JEFF
             What do they eat?

                         SHANA
             Silage, alfalfa, barley,
             supplements, and sundry matter.
                  (off his look...)
             Whatever's left over.  We grind
             it up and add it in.  Daddy'll
             add anything organic, especially
             if it's red.

She paws and fondles him, dragging him into a stall lined
with deep, soft hay.

                         SHANA
             C'mon, let's have some fun.

She pushes him to the ground, aggressively kissing and
pulling off his clothing.

Suddenly the barn door CREAKS open.

                                                            5.

                         JEFF
             Uh-oh.

Shana, oblivious, doesn't stop for a second.

                         JEFF
             No, no.  Quiet.

She laughs, too loudly, falling onto him.

The stall door opens.  Of course, it's Ed.

                         ED
             Shana!  What did I tell you about
             entertaining our guests like that?

She, very childlike, obviously lying, as she sits on top of
Jeff...

                         SHANA
             Daddy -- I didn't, I couldn't, he
             pushed me in here, he forced me
             in here!
                  (slaps him--)
             You bad man!

                         ED
             Shana, go start up the grinder.

                         JEFF
             The what?

                         SHANA
                  (shamed, but throws a
                  laughing grin at Jeff)
             Yes, Daddy.

She goes off into a nearby room.  A huge, hideous, metallic
MEAT GRINDER powers to life.  Over the noise...

                         ED
             You know, son.  I'll do anything
             to protect my daughter, especially
             if it improves the milk.

He pulls out a huge hyperdermic needle, stabs JEFF, putting
him to sleep.

Jeff, comatose, is dumped onto a conveyor belt leading into
huge GRINDING WHEELS.

Shana watches, more hurt than concerned, turns to her father...

                                                            6.

                         SHANA
             Why do you always got to do this
             to my boyfriends?

At the other end of the grinder, a slight change in the
grinder's noise indicates Jeff has passed through.  Some red
matter falls onto the cow feed.

                         ED
             To improve the milk, that's why.