CHINATOWN

Episode 2 
‘Psychic Neil’

Transcript
by Julian D. Evelyn

EPISODE 2: PSYCHIC NEIL - FIRST DRAFT

SEPTEMBER 22 2006

INT. Pub

Inside the pub there is quite a large gathering of people, some of them are playing darts, a small group is in the corner playing pool, but most of them are sitting around tables drinking pints of beer. Chris is spotted sitting on one of the bar stools near the counter, drinking from a bottle of beer and fiddling around with a pile of cashew nuts.

Chris
'Ere mate...

Chris quietly shouts out to one of the bar staff behind the counter.

Bartender
Yeah mate, what can I get ya? 

Chris
Can I get another bottle? 

Bartender
The same again, yeah?

TITLES FADE ON SCREEN. NO MUSIC.

Chris
Yeah, unless you've got one of those multi-coloured drinks... you know the fruity cocktails with the floating limes and the little umbrella thingy's?

TITLES FADE OUT.

The bartender laughs and hands Chris an open bottle of beer.

Bartender
You want T.G.I. Friday's mate, they got all kinds of loony stuff in there.

The bartender rests his hands on the counter.

Bartender
I went in there this one time, you know... ordered a Bailey's, right? You never guess what they put in it?

Chris
No idea.

Bartender
Only bloody bits of biscuit.

Chris
...Biscuit?

Bartender
Bloody biscuit bits! I don't know whether it's supposed to be part of their 'wacky' motif, you know, post modern and all that... playing that bloody Justin Jimbersnake on the radio... but no, not for me thanks. If I want a simple pint and simple food, its right here I come.

Chris
Oh yeah, well I suppose it's hard to find good places nowadays.

Bartender
Well you say that, but they got this place down Chinatown, they've got amazing service... what's it called...

Chris
The Hoo King Fell?

Bartender
The what? No...

Bartender clicks his fingers.

Bartender
The Grand Dragon! Oh it's cracking in there, great food, great entertainment... I went in there one time and they had bloody fire eaters performing on stage!

Chris sighs.

Chris
Fire eaters, you say?

Bartender
Yeah! Hold on... CHARLIE!

Bartender calls out towards the other side of the bar. A man turns his head around towards the Bartender, Bartender motions for Charlie to get himself behind the bar.

Charlie
Yeah boss...

Bartender
Show this guy here those photos.

Charlie reaches into his overall pockets and pulls out a few photographs.

Charlie
Here mate, check this out...

Charlie places the photos face up on the counter.

Charlie
...I went into the Grand Dragon last weekend with a few mates right... only met Jodie Marsh in there, didn't I?

Bartender
JODIE BLOODY MARSH!

Chris looks down at the photographs placed in front of him.

Chris
Wow, Jodie Marsh, eh? That's definitely her, Jodie bloody Marsh.

Charlie
I'm going again next weekend, I'm thinking if I spot her often enough I might be able to get her number. Trust me; if you wanna have a good time, and maybe meet ladies of an 'attractive nature', it's the Grand Dragon mate.

Chris
Right, I'll keep that in mind.

CUT TO.
INT. Hoo King Fell, Reception Desk

Chris
Jodie bloody Marsh!

Chris and Nina are behind the reception desk, Chris is standing whilst Nina is sitting down looking through a book on business management.

Nina
Jodie Marsh?

Chris
Yeah, she was in there last week. I'm telling you, the Grand Dragon... they're slowly taking over Chinatown with their minor celebrities and their fire eaters.

Nina
Oh, they got fire eaters now?

Chris
Yeah, apparently. 

Nina
Wow.

Chris
Wow? WOW?! No Nina, not 'wow.' The Hoo King Fell is a franchise, an institution; we're not gonna run a three-ring circus.

Nina
I know, I'm just saying, any way you can attract customers inside has got to be a winning formula. And people like to see a show... even if you don't.

Chris
Yeah, well I just believe that simplicity is the key. Oh God, speaking of simple...

Chris spots Rickie, who is slowly walking towards the restaurant.

Nina
Oh yeah, I sent Rickie on a little task.

Rickie opens the door and enters the restaurant, holding a small cardboard box.

Rickie
Alright ladies! I got those flyers printed, Nina.

Rickie slams the box on the reception counter.
Rickie
I must admit they turned out pretty damn good if I say so myself.

Nina
Oh yeah?

Nina begins opening the box.

Rickie
Yeah, my own personal design. Actually, interesting thing happened to me on my way here, I got bitten by a tramp. Ever heard anything like it?

Rickie rolls his trouser leg to reveal a bite mark on his leg.

Chris
Was the tramp carrying a bag... a bag full of whistles?

Rickie
Yeah, he tried to sell some to me... how'd you know?

Chris rolls up his trouser leg and reveals a similar bite mark.

Chris
You got the 'Old Joe Branding.'

Rickie
The what...?

Chris
The 'Old Joe Branding', you have to buy a whistle or he'll bite you.

Rickie
But I didn't want a whistle.

Chris
Yeah, you don't really have a choice in the matter. You might want to get a tetanus shot as well.

Nina gets the box open and pulls out a flyer.

Nina
Well Rickie, I must admit, these do look pretty good.

Rickie
Yeah, well I consider myself quite the artiste, thought I'd go all out with the flyers.

Chris pulls out a flyer from the box and examines it.

Chris
Where's my name?

Rickie
What?

Chris
Well you've written your name in a ruddy big font in the middle, but I can't...

Chris turns the flyer over and turns it back again.

Chris
I can't find my name... where is it?

Rickie
It's in the corner, isn't it?

Chris
Where?

Nina
Oh look, there it is...

Nina points it out on Chris' flyer.

Chris
That?! Y-you can barely read it, and... Oh Christ, what's my last name, Rickie?

Rickie
It's um... why? What? What have I put down?

Chris
Chris Gilman.

Rickie
Yeah... what's wrong with that?

Chris
Nothing... except my last name is Milgram.

Rickie
Oh, is it? I always thought it was... doesn't matter really though, does it? They do sound the same though, don't they? I can change it though, I guess...

Chris
Why is your name printed ten times larger than mine?

Rickie
I just thought... you know... people might know my name a little bit better than yours...

Chris gives Rickie a blank look and shrugs his shoulders.

Rickie
Because I'm... like, a bit of a celebrity, sort of... around here anyway.

Chris shrugs his shoulders again.

Rickie
Like, people from bingo might know me as well... and...

Chris
Right, and do you not think people know me as well?

Rickie
Well yeah, but I'm like... I'm like thinking on a grander scale, I'm thinking 'celebrity-wise'. You put a fairly popular name down, it's just like a moth to a flame. I mean I put your name down as well.

Chris
Well no... no, you see, you didn't. Who's Chris Gilman? Is he a mate of yours?

Rickie
Simple spelling error, I'll change it alright?

Chris
Well wait, hold on who's 'Psychic Neil?'

Rickie
Oh yeah, he's a psychic.

Chris
Kind of gathered that, but who is he? You've got him booked on stage for the weekend it says here. 'The Psychic Neil Experience?' What's that?

Rickie
Yeah he's an old mate of mine, he's amazing he is, he's been working a show in Brighton for a while, thought I'd bring him over for the big re-opening.

Chris
I thought we're supposed to be business partners? Look, you can't just go inviting random strangers willy-nilly; we've got to discuss things together.

Rickie
Yeah but he's hardly a stranger, he's 'Psychic Neil.'

Chris
That means nothing to me. He could be 'Psychic Mahatma Gandhi' for all I care, I'd still prefer if we discussed things first. 

Nina
Well firstly Chris, didn't Mr. Hiroko put Rickie in charge of the weekend club? Surely Rickie can decide what acts could go on stage.

Chris
Are you serious?

Nina
Yeah, and if this 'Neil' is as amazing as you make him out to be, Rickie, why don't you invite him over later on? You know, for a chat and a cup of tea maybe?

Rickie
Really?

Nina
Go for it, the sooner we get some acts sorted out for the weekend, the better.

Rickie
Well thank you very much Nina, it's nice to know real talent can be appreciated in this day and age.

Chris
Well, he better be good. Derren Brown good, at least.

Rickie
I know your sceptical Chris, but this guy is seriously gonna blow your mind! Blow your mind... AWAY!

Chris
...And with a name like 'Psychic Neil' you just can't go wrong, can ya? 

Rickie
Right! Ah, mate...

Rickie walks up towards Chris and gives him a hug.

Rickie
...this weekend is going to go down a storm! I know some other fella's as well if you want me to give them a quick ring... I've got this mate, Toby? He can snort almost anything up his nose... paperclips, staples, fingernails, coins... well 5p's anyway, he does 'em all.

Chris
No, please no, just bring the 'Psychic...

Rickie
'Psychic Neil?'

Chris
'Psychic Neil.' Only...only 'Psychic Neil.'

Rickie
Oh, yeah I get it... you only want to see a smidgen of what I've got to offer, right? Only want to deal with a specific amount of talent and all that, I get ya.

Chris
Yes, that's right, that's exactly right.

Rickie
Ah right, Tell you what; I'll ring him now, eh?

Rickie pulls out a mobile phone from his pocket.

Chris
Yeah, do this first...

Chris hands Rickie the box of flyers.

Chris
Get that sorted out, yeah? We have to reach out to the general public, get their attention.

Rickie
Oh yeah, of course, hey trust me... once I've sorted this out, you know...really jazz it up, it's gonna grab their attention by the bloody balls!

Rickie starts laughing, tucks the box of flyers under his arm and begins making his way towards the exit.

Nina
See you later, Rickie.

Rickie
See ya!

Rickie begins whistling 'Singin' in the Rain' as he opens the door and exits the building.

Chris
Right, when the hell did it happen?

Nina
When did what happen?

Chris
Well you've obviously shagged him, haven't ya?

Nina slams her book shut.

Nina
Excuse me?!

Chris
Well, the 'King of Freaks' comes in here inviting a guy named 'Psychic Neil' over for the big re-opening and you're all for it?! Oh no, It doesn't take a detective to figure out what's been happening here!

Nina
Oh you've got a nerve, Christopher Milgram. Just because he's actually thought about getting something going for this weekend, just because I've chose to meet his 'psychic' mate, that automatically means...? Oh, you are a five-star bastard sometimes.

Chris
Well, it just seems odd is all...

Nina
Well, no... I'm not 'shagging' him. But at least Rickie's actually doing something for this place, what the hell are you doing?

Chris
I'm... well I'm... you know...

Nina
You're what? You're not saying any verbs.

Chris steps over towards the windows and looks across at 'The Grand Dragon', which has a man standing outside wearing a black tuxedo and is smoking a cigarette.

Chris
I'm scouting the competition.

Nina
What are you talking about?

Chris
That lot over the road. Look at them; smug bastards... might have to pay them a visit.

Chris picks up a leather jacket hung up on a wall and starts putting it on.

Nina
Oh God, are you ever going to do anything constructive around here... what about the kitchen? You're supposed to be in charge of the kitchen, Chris. What about menu's? Stock, has the stock come in?

Chris
...I don't know, ask Colin.

Nina
Who the hell's Colin?

Chris points towards the main kitchen area, Nina turns around and sees a small, chubby Chinese man wearing a chef's hat and is reading through a recipe book. He slowly raises his eyes from his book and looks at Nina.

Colin
Alright?

Nina
Who the hell are you?!

Nina turns back around at Chris, but Chris has already left the building, Nina spots him through the window walking off towards 'The Grand Dragon'.

Colin
'Ere, do you want a bacon sarnie?

Colin picks up a large platter of sandwiches, and shows it to Nina. Nina just sighs and shakes her head, whilst Colin takes out a sandwich and takes a bite out of it.

CUT TO:
EXT. The Grand Dragon
Scene shows Chris walking up towards 'The Grand Dragon', the cigarette-smoking man is still outside, except now he's talking through a mobile phone in Chinese. Chris walks towards him and leans against the wall. Chris waits for a while, whilst the man continues to talk. The man notices Chris and eventually closes his phone.

Chris
Ah, lovely language, Chinese.

Doorman
What do you want?

Chris
Oh, sorry, where are my manners... name's Chris.

Chris extends his hand for a handshake but the man just stares at his hand.

Chris
Oh sorry, am I doing it wrong? Oh no, you guys do it differently don't ya?

Chris presses his palms together and faintly bows.

Chris
Namaste... is that right?

Doorman
You are having a laugh aren't you?

Chris
Sorry, I just didn't...

Doorman
Just step off the carpet.

Chris looks down and notices that he has dirtied a small piece of carpeting laid out in front of the restaurant with his trainers.

Chris
Oh...

Chris quickly steps off the carpet and stands on the pavement towards the left.

Chris
Sorry... you could probably just dab a little Cillit Bang onto that, clear it right up.

Doorman
You what?

Chris
Oh, it's just a... grime remover. Grime and lime, actually. Very... very good.

There is a pause of silence.

Chris
Yeah, so my name's Chris, Chris Milgram. I've taken command, so to speak, of the Hoo King Fell...

Doorman
The what?

Chris
The Hoo King Fell? Just across the street, there?

Chris points in the direction of the Hoo King Fell.

Doorman
Oh, that. 

The man takes the cigarette out his mouth and gently flicks it in the direction of Chris, to avoid the carpeting.

Doorman
Right, so... what do you want?

Chris
I just thought, as a gesture of good will, that I'd pop inside, and introduce myself formally to... your employer? I mean, I take it you work here?

Doorman
Yeah.

Chris
So... can I come in?

Doorman
No.

Chris
W-why?

Doorman
First of all, you got shit on your shoes...

Chris looks down on his shoes and realises that they are quite dirty.

Chris
Well, it's not shit... it's dirt.

Doorman
It smells like shit, mate.

Chris
Well, trust me it's not.

Doorman
Whatever, secondly, we've got a dress code.

The man steps aside and taps on a metallic sign nailed to the wall, which reads: 'NO CAPS, HOODS, TRACKSUITS OR TRAINERS ALLOWED ENTERING PAST THIS POINT. FORMAL ONLY.'

Doorman
You're gonna have to lose that... ensemble you've conjured up, and put on something decent.

Chris
Charming(!) Look, I've hardly got reservations, have I? Just a quick chat with your boss, and I'm off.

The Doorman scratches the back of his neck and sighs.

Doorman
One second...

The Doorman pulls out a small walkie-talkie from his back pocket, places it next to his ear, and begins speaking into it.

Doorman
Alright mate, I got a geezer out here, wants to speak to management... what's your name, mate?

Chris
Chris Milgram.

Doorman
Say's his name's Chris, runs a restaurant... Hoo... Hoo King something-or-other... 

Chris
Hoo King Fell.

Doorman
Yeah, it's just some joint down the street.

Chris
Just say Hoo King Fell, he'll know where it is than.

Doorman
Hoo King Fell, he says it's called...

The Doorman starts laughing

Doorman
Yeah, that one! ...I know, that's what I said! Nah, its rubbish I think... He's dressed like a tramp though... I weren't sure if I should let him in or not... No, I don't think he's a...

The Doorman takes the walkie-talkie from his ear.

Doorman
You're not a tramp are ya? Looking for a free meal?

Chris
No! How can I possibly be a tramp when I just said I...

The Doorman puts the walkie-talkie back to his ear.

Doorman
He claims he's not, but it's hard to judge these days... yeah, you get some right ones, don't ya? ...Yeah, alright mate; no worries... yup, will do...

The doorman takes the walkie-talkie from his ear and places it back in his back-pocket.

Chris
Well? Can I go in?

Doorman
Yeah, everything seems fine, just got a do a quick scan.

The Doorman pulls out a small handheld metal detector from a holster strapped onto his belt.

Chris
What is this, Heathrow? 

Doorman
Do you wanna get in or not?

Chris sighs and reaches into his trouser pocket.

Chris
Well I better take these out, than.

Chris pulls out a bunch of keys connected to a fuzzy dice key ring. The Doorman snatches the keys from Chris’ hand.

Chris
I am going to get those back, right? They’re my house keys, I need them.

Doorman
House keys, maybe. But in the right hands, a deadly, deadly weapon.

The Doorman gently prods Chris with the sharp end of the keys, before placing them into the bowl.

Chris
Ow! What is wrong with you, are you mental? 

Doorman
I’ll assure you that my job is to secure as well as educate. Now legs spread, please.

The Doorman advances on Chris.

Chris
Hold on mate, I don’t that swing that way!

The Doorman backs up a step and raises his scanning device.

Chris
...Oh right, yeah. ‘Ere, just watch where you stick that thing, yeah?

CUT TO:
Int. CAFÉ

Scene shows the inside of a rather seedy cafeteria that is mostly filled with builders and the elderly, sitting around tables smoking cigarettes, eating shoddy breakfasts and sipping on teas. Rickie is spotted near the back of the restaurant reading a newspaper and slurping from a paper cup of tea. Rickie looks up from his newspaper and slowly begins to smirk.

Rickie
NEILY BOY!

A man in the café wearing all dark clothing and dark glasses turns his head around towards Rickie and begins laughing.

Neil
DICKFACE!

Neil picks up his dinner plate and a cup of coffee, and sits in the chair opposite Rickie.

Neil
I was looking all over for ya, I didn't recognise ya with that bloody big rug on your head. 

Rickie
It's my new hair mate, I'd thought I'd grow it out, you know? Gotta keep stylish.

Neil
...Stylish? Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me! Look at ya, you look like a fucking drag queen!

Neil reaches over and pulls at Rickie's hair.

Rickie
Hey! Look at me? Look at you! You've piled on the pounds since the last time I saw ya, what's the matter, married life getting to ya?

Neil slowly slouches forward and stares into the cup of coffee he bought over.

Rickie
I said, is married life getting to ya? Eh?! 

Rickie reaches over and friendlily pats Neil on the arm. Neil remains silent, still staring into his cup.

Rickie
How is Linda, anyway? Still up to her old ways? Neil?

Neil
I suspect... that Linda's been... I think she's been seeing somebody else.

Neil reaches into his jacket pocket pulls out a flask and begins pouring the contents into his cup of coffee.

Rickie
Oh... oh my God... I'm sorry.

Neil
Don't be, I'm not.

Neil puts the flask back into his pocket and downs the entire cup of coffee in one go.

Rickie
Well... do you know for definite?

Neil
Linda never loved me, Rick. She saw how well 'The Psychic Neil Experience' was doing; she's only in it for the money. Besides, I see the way she looks at Fernando.

Rickie
Fernando?

Neil
The dreaded dog walker. She bought these bloody bastard Chihuahuas, a whole fleet, right? A bloody horde of nippy, yappy, fleshy little meat puppets. Than there's this Fernando fella, who she insists walks the dogs every day. Which is fine, right? But she just has to go along with him... every single time, Rick. EVERY BLOODY TIME!

The entire cafeteria goes silent as nearly everybody stares around at Rickie & Neil's table. After a while, the noise in the area slowly picks back up.

Rickie
...Right?

Neil
Well, what's the point in a dog walker, when you have the time and the effort to walk them yourself? It doesn't make SENSE!

Neil pounds the table with his fist, knocking over an empty cup.

Rickie
Alright mate, just... calm yourself down, eh?

Neil
Yeah, yeah... sorry, I apologise. It just gets me all riled up, you know? Ever since I... 'suspected', It's taken me a while to get back into the whole psychic thing. 

Rickie
Yeah?

Neil
Yeah, well my mind hasn't really been in it, you know? But than you called me up and I thought, why not? This could be my chance to take 'The Psychic Neil Experience' back to the big time, where it belongs. This is an opportunity to forget about all my worries, and focus on what's important. That being my amazing amazing career.

Rickie
Well hey; you know nothing's been actually confirmed yet, right? I mean, considering what you're 'going through'... you don't have to go forward with it, if you're not ready.

Neil
Oh no, 'Psychic Neil' doesn’t turn down an offer. Especially, the Hoo King Fell, you said it was the hottest ticket in town! How could I possibly pass that up?

Rickie
Oh yeah, the hottest ticket... without a doubt. Hot... like fire.

Rickie licks his finger; touches the air and makes a 'Tssss' sound.

Rickie
You do still have the ol' Neily magic, right?

Neil
Well yeah, I'd imagine so. Tell you what, think of a number between 1 and 19.

Rickie thinks for a moment.

Rickie
Okay, I got one.

Neil
It's 17, isn’t it?

Rickie
Well, ooh close... 15.

Neil
Damn, really?

Rickie
Well I say 15... 5, actually, so...

Neil
Oh. Well you know what it is, don't ya? It's this atmosphere... 

Rickie
Oh yeah, probably.

Neil
It's blowing my spiritual waves out of whack. I need a bit of time to realign my mind.

Rickie
Oh yeah, that's true... realigning...

Neil
I need to reconnect with my inner psyche.

Rickie
How long does that... process take?

Neil
It's hard to say, my head's like an old Grandfather Clock. Once the mechanic's go bust, it could take a few hours, maybe even a few days to fully repair the damage.

Rickie
I'm not sure if I quite...

Neil
I've got oils, Rick. I rub them into my scalp at night, spiritual things, you know. It helps my mind breathe, it's really powerful stuff. I think of it as ‘greasing my rusty gears.’ 

Rickie
Okay, well I'm not really familiar with... oils, so I can't really relate.

Neil
They're basically devices to get my extrasensory juices flowing.

Rickie
See now I'm not quite sure what we're talking about here, but alright... great. You do that, and I’ll give my
Co-worker a quick a bell, see if we can arrange some sort of get together, sometime tonight maybe?

Neil
Nice one Rick, nice one. 'Ere, I better head off home, I had a bad Chicken Korma last night; I've been shitting bricks all day...   

Neil stands up and rubs his belly.

Rickie
Why don't you just use the toilets here?

Rickie points towards the entrance the toilets. Neil looks over and looks back.

Neil
Nah, better not. I'm 'foreseeing' that I'm about to fire out a right stinker; I've got a reputation to think about.

Neil pats his belly and loudly belches.

Neil
You don't mind covering this, do you?

Neil points towards his dinner plate.

Rickie
Oh, well... I guess.

Neil
It's only a cup of coffee and a boiled egg. Bit of toast, beans, mushrooms, chips... pie & mash, bacon. Oh and black pudding, chicken wings, half a grapefruit and bit of cucumber.

Rickie
Cucumber?

Neil
Yeah, I'm watching my figure.
 
Chris
Right, that makes sense, yeah...

Neil whistles to the waitress and signals that Rickie is ready to pay.

Neil
Anyway I'm off, mate, I'm bursting at the seams.

Neil clutches at his belly and jogs out the door. The waitress slowly walks over and looks down at the large amount of plates and cutlery on the table.

Rickie
It's not all mine.

Waitress
It's alright honey, you eating for two?

Rickie looks confused.

Rickie
What?

Waitress
I saw the way he was talking to ya. Let me guess, he found out you were pregnant and did a runner, eh?

Rickie
I don't understand.

The waitress sits on the table and leans in close toward Rickie.

Waitress
Its okay, this whole café is filled with single mothers and mothers-to-be, you've nothing to be ashamed of. 

Rickie looks around and notices that the café is indeed filled with a lot of manly-looking women, with most of them either pregnant or holding a pushchair.

Rickie
Oh no, you got it wrong, I'm not actually...

Waitress
It gets rough sometimes, especially with money, believe me I know. How about I cover this one for ya, eh?

Rickie nervously bites his lip and looks around the room again.

Rickie (high-pitched voice)
Thanks that would really help out... especially considering I'm pregnant... and stuff.

Waitress
You couldn't fool me sweetheart, how far gone are you?

Rickie (high-pitched voice)
Oh, just a couple of weeks, I'm already getting the cravings. Its twins, you see.

Waitress
Aw, bless.

CUT TO
INT. Hoo King Fell - Restaurant Area

Nina is sitting down at a chair reading through one of the menus. Suddenly, Colin walks over and sits in the chair opposite Nina.

Colin
Alright?

Nina
Yeah, thanks. You’re the... the head chef, right?

Colin
Yeah, although I refuse to cook heads!

There is a short pause of silence. Colin takes a small egg roll from his pocket and begins examining it.

Colin
I made some egg rolls if you want some.

Nina
No, it's alright thanks.

Colin
They're funny things, eggs.

Nina
What's that?

Colin
Eggs... they're funny things.

Nina
What... in what way?

Colin
Well they're a pretty interesting shape. Nothing else in the world is shaped like an egg... apart from an egg.

Nina
That's true... I believe.

Colin
I suppose they'd be a lot easier to deliver. 

Nina
What?

Colin
As in giving birth to... through the vagina. Although I wouldn't really know, considering I don't have one.

There is another pause of silence.

Colin
But, I mean if somebody gave me a choice to give birth to either an egg or a baby... a baby that has a head the size of a small grapefruit and a body the size of a waffle iron; I think my choice would be a pretty easy one to make.

Nina
Right, okay...

Colin
And plus, there's more advantages to having eggs isn't there?

Nina
Yeah?

Colin
Well, say for example you could only manage with three kids, right, and you had nine eggs. You could raise the one's you wanted... like, sit on them or whatever... and you could eat the rest. Although, I probably wouldn't eat my own young, unless they were really, really delicious.

The phone in reception begins to ring.

Nina
Oh, thank God.

Nina rushes towards the phone and picks it up.

Nina
Hello, Hoo King Fell? Oh hey Mr. Hiroko, how's China?

Whilst Nina is chatting on the phone, Rickie walks in with a glum look on his face. He waves to Nina, before taking a seat in one of the restaurant chairs.

Colin
Alright, Rickie?

Rickie
Not bad. Sorry, who are you?

Colin
Name's Colin... Head Chef.

Colin dusts his hands off and offers Rickie a handshake. Rickie gets up and walks over to a chair nearest Colin and shakes his hand.

Colin
Chris talks about you all the time.

Rickie
Oh really? Good things I hope.

Colin
Well... he talks about you a lot.

Rickie
Oh... right. Can I ask you a question, Colin?

Colin
Yeah, shoot.

Rickie
Do I look like a woman?

Colin pauses and examines Rickie's face.

Colin
Oh, are you a transvestite? 

Rickie
No!

Colin
Than, no, you don't.

Rickie
Okay... well wait, why did you ask if I was a transvestite?

Colin
Because, if you were a tranny it would be more understandable.

Rickie
What would be more understandable?

Colin
Well you look more like a transvestite than an actual woman.

Rickie
What are you saying?

Colin
Well, obviously you look like a man...

Rickie
I am a man.

Colin
Right, right... but you've also got some feminine qualities about you. It's quite sexy, in a non-homosexual way. Like, girls like a man who has a bit of a feminine side.

Rickie
Oh yeah?

Colin
Yeah, well you're talking to the master when it comes to girls. I know girls inside-out, almost literally. In fact, I've had sex... three times.

Rickie
What, you mean with three different girls?

Colin
What? Y-yeah... yeah, that's right, different girls... I've had a lot of girlfriends, all of them not the same person.

Rickie
Oh, because when you said you had sex three times I automatically thought it was just one girl!

Rickie begins to chuckle.

Colin
Oh... no, I've had a LOT of sex. Lots and lots.

Rickie
As that would be pretty pathetic, right?! I mean maybe a teenager, but a man of your age? I mean what are you, in your 30's? Having only one sexual partner your whole life?!

Rickie bursts out laughing.

Colin
Um... I better go check on the cooking.

Rickie
I mean it's bad enough having sex only three times, but having it with just one girl? I mean there has to be a law to prevent that from happening!

Colin
I really better go. I have some... boiling water to attend to.

Colin turns away, wipes a tear from his eye and scampers back towards the kitchen. Meanwhile, Rickie continues to laugh to himself in his seat.

Nina
...Alright Mr. Hiroko, speak to you later. And keep your hands off those maids you dirty old man! See ya later, buddy.

Nina puts the phone down, and spots Rickie laughing in the corner.

Nina
Oi you, what's so funny?

Rickie
That Colin fella, he's hilarious!

Nina
He is? I didn't really get him; it must be that 'hidden meaning' kind of humour.

Nina looks towards the kitchen and sees Colin with his hands on his hips, sobbing over a boiling pot.

Nina
You alright Colin?

Colin
YEAH! I'M JUST COOKING GARLIC, IT MAKES ME CRY!

Nina
Don't you mean onions?

Colin
YEAH, ONIONS... ONIONS MAKE ME CRY!

Nina shrugs and sits down next to Rickie.

Nina
How'd the old meeting go with your psychic friend?

Rickie's laughter fades out and it is quickly followed by a sigh.

Rickie
Yeah, not bad. It's just... well he suspects his wife's been cheating on him.

Nina
Ooh, that's rough.

Rickie
Yeah, he's just gotten a bit paranoid, you know? He's put on a bit of weight as well, he looks like he hasn't slept in a while either...

Nina
Well if he was one of my girlfriends I'd probably just tell him to move on, find somebody else or buy a vibrator. I suppose he could do the first two things.

Rickie quietly laughs.

Nina
Is he still good to go for the weekend?

Rickie
Well he says he is, but I just don't want to screw things up, for Chris. I mean he loves this place.

Nina
Well you shouldn't worry too much about that, you're in charge of the Weekend Club, not Chris. If it all goes tits up, you've nobody to blame but yourself.

Rickie
Oh thanks (!)

Nina
Well you should know me by now Rick; I tell it like it is. I mean when I first met you I thought you were a pompous, conceited, self-indulgent arsehole. 

Rickie
And now?

Nina
Well now I think you're a pompous, conceited, self-indulgent arsehole... with a heart. You obviously care about Chris and his dreams, right?

Rickie
Yeah, of course.

Nina
I'm not entirely sure if the feelings are mutual, but if anybody can help Chris run this place, it's you.

Rickie
What about you?

Nina
Well yeah, obviously he needs me more than you. Hello, Business Degree! But you're still a vital member of this team; you're kind of like the cherry on the cake.

Rickie
Aw, thanks.

Nina
I mean, people are still going to eat the cake regardless; some of the best kinds of cake are cherry-less. You know what I mean, right? Battenburg, Bundt Cake, Cheesecake, Jaffa Cake...

Rickie
Ah-ah, Jaffa Cake’s a biscuit, I think you’ll find.

Nina
Well, technically, if you refer to the size, shape and filling, it’s a cake. I suppose it’s kind of a ‘pseudo-biscuit’, if you will.  

Rickie
Oh, like a cake masquerading itself in the biscuit world?

Nina
Precisely, but if they, er, see a little something on top... you know, a little something extra, they might go for it a little bit quicker.

Rickie
So I’m kind of like the big fairy on top of a Christmas tree?

Nina
Your words, not mine.

Rickie
Well... I don't know whether to feel demeaned or uplifted, but you've definitely made me feel re-energized, I must say.

Nina
I have that effect on most people.

Rickie
Hey, they have vibrators for men, don't they?

Nina friendlily pats Rickie on the thigh.

Nina
Yeah... not the kind you'd like.

CUT TO:
Int. Hoo King Fell - Executive Office

Chris is sitting down at one end of a long posh table in a very aristocratic and majestic looking room. The room is quite dimly-lit, where the only light that is coming in is peeking through closed blinds. There are several stuffed animal heads hung up around the walls.

After a brief moment of waiting two suited men burst in through the doors and stand around the side of the table. This is eventually followed by another suited man, who is pushing a rather old looking man in a wheelchair, into the room. The man in the wheelchair is suspiciously wearing a Hawaiian shirt and lei on his head. He positions the wheelchair towards the opposite side of the table to where Chris is sitting and stands behind him.

Chris
Oh, sorry, I should probably introduce myself...

Chris stands up and begins walking towards the old man in the wheelchair. However one of the suited men gently pushes Chris back.

Man behind Wheelchair
Sit down... Mr. Milgram.

Chris nervously sits back down in his chair.

Man behind Wheelchair
I am Lee Chang, Mr. Juwano’s personal assistant. Mr. Juwano apologises for his lateness, he was busy competing in his annual Limbo Dancing Contest. 

Mr. Juwano elbows the man behind him in the stomach and looks up at him.

Lee
...Winning first place.

The man pulls out a large trophy from behind the wheelchair and delicately places it on the large table.

Lee
Well done, sir.

Chris puts on a pair of glasses and examines it for himself.

Chris
Wow, that’s quite an accomplishment, you know, especially considering your current condition.

Lee
I’ll assure you that Mr. Juwano is simply in a meditative state. Once he gets on the dance floor, he is known to have superhuman skills that far surpass the likes of John Travolta. 

Mr. Juwano
...TRAVOLTA?

Mr. Juwano turns his head and spits against the wall.

Lee
Sorry Sir, I forgot I must never speak of that name.

Chris
Well that’s certainly a nice looking..., hang on a minute, it says Jake Sibley on here... but it’s just been Tipp-Ex’d out with his name!

Lee quickly snatches the trophy back and places it in a cupboard and padlocks it shut. Mr. Juwano turns towards Lee and mumbles something in Chinese.

Lee
Mr. Juwano is a very busy man. He demands to know what it is exactly that you want.

Chris
Well, let me introduce myself formally, my name's Chris Milgram. Now as you may or may not have known, Mr. Hiroko sadly left Chinatown recently to pursue new endeavours. However, as they say, 'the show must go on'. So I just wanted to let you gentlemen know, that I am now the brand new owner of the Hoo King Fell Restaurant.

Lee translates everything Chris said into Chinese for the benefit of Mr. Juwano. There is a brief pause of silence, before Mr. Juwano burst out laughing, which soon send the other henchmen into hysterics. Mr. Juwano rubs his eyes and replies back in Chinese.

Lee
Mr. Juwano would like to inform you that he, 'really couldn't give two shits!'

Everybody in the room begins laughing simultaneously.

Chris
Oh, that's nice isn't it...? I come in here, trying to be an ambassador of good will, just trying to be a nice neighbour, and you've just thrown it all back in my face. I was even gonna invite you guys down this weekend for our grand re-opening.

Lee translates again for Mr. Juwano. Mr Juwano smirks and replies back in his native tongue.

Lee
Mr. Juwano says that he wouldn't step one foot inside that shambles of a restaurant, even if you paid him!

Chris
Well he couldn't, could he? He's in a wheelchair. We don't have ramps anyway, so... not yet, July 2007, is when we get them in. 

Chris stands up in his chair and begins putting his jacket on.

Chris
But even if you rolled your way up to the front entrance and asked somebody for assistance, do you know what we'd say? We'd say no. And it's not because you're disabled or because we have a tacky dress code, no. It's because you're a bastard mate. 

The henchmen gasp in shock.

Chris
In fact, I'm thinking about putting a sign up on our place. 'No Bastards Allowed', how's that?

Mr. Juwano's face expression turns to a very angry one.

Chris
So you can sit there, all high and mighty on your throne... your big wheelie throne. But the Hoo King Fell is back and better than ever, which means you can take your shoddy food and your bloody fire eaters and shove 'em up your arse! 

Mr. Juwano swiftly takes a small dagger from behind his wheelchair and launches it at Chris. The dagger narrowly misses Chris' neck but it manages to pin his shirt collar to the wall.

Chris
OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! I'M SORRY, PLEASE DON'T MURDER ME!

Lee walks up towards the pinned Chris and stands face to face towards him.

Lee
Oh, Mr. Milgram. You have no idea what you've just done, have you? Consider yourself lucky, the great Johnny Juwano does not whip out his dagger for just anybody.

Mr. Juwano is now infuriated in his chair. Chris is snivelling against the wall.

Lee
Relax, Mr. Milgram, we are not going to 'murder' you. However, I'm afraid you have managed to incite the eternal wrath of The Grand Dragon.

Chris
E-eternal wrath?! What does that mean?!

Lee removes the dagger from Chris' shirt collar.

Lee
Whatever you want it to mean. But we will be watching you. You and your... 'place.'

Chris
C-can I go now?

Lee instructs the henchman to part ways so that Chris could leave through the door. But Lee holds him by the shoulder.

Lee
You may leave, but first we're going to leave you with a little 'parting gift.'

Chris
'P-parting gift?!' Please tell me that's not an innuendo. You're not going to remove my fingernails are you?

Lee grins and laughs.

Lee
No, no, we have an actual parting gift for you. 

Lee walks towards a black cardboard box and pulls out a paper hat with a 'Grand Dragon' company logo stamped on it. He walks back towards Chris and places it on his head.

Lee
All smiles now.

Lee spreads Chris' mouth into a smile with his thumb and index finger.

Chris
Can I go now?

Lee
Yes, of course. Oh, just one more little thing...

Lee reaches closer towards Chris' face and whispers in his ear.

Lee
If you tell anybody about what happened here in this room, whether it's the police or just one of your friends? We'll know. We own Chinatown, Chris, we have... connections. 

Chris
...Connections?

Lee
Yes, all over Chinatown in fact. Now, I'm sure you wouldn't want to go from a simple disagreement, to something worse... would you?

Chris
No, no thank you.

Lee
Excellent. Mr. Juwano sends his regards, and you are now free to enjoy the rest of your day. Before you go, please feel free to try our Peking Crispy Beef, on the house. And please...

Lee hands Chris two plastic bags full of plastic containers of 'Grand Dragon' brand Chinese Food. Chris nervously takes the bags in his hands.

Lee
...Do not hesitate to see us again, because we will be seeing you... very, very soon.
 
Chris
Oh, okay bye. Thanks for the stuff and... the hat. I'll make my own way out I guess.

Chris timidly adjusts his paper hat and shuffles out the room with his head bowed. Lee hands Mr. Juwano his dagger back. As Chris opens the door to leave Mr. Juwano gives him one last sinister looking stare.

CUT TO
Ext. Chris Flat

Chris is walking down a corridor still carrying the two bags of Chinese food. He drops the bags once he gets to the outside of his door, and reaches into his pocket for his keys. He pulls his keys out and attempts to unlock the door, but he soon realises that is already unlocked. He nervously looks down both sides of the corridor and than slowly enters the flat. Slowly, he taps open the door until it is wide open and sees a masked character already inside, aiming a crossbow directly at his face. Chris screams out in terror.

Chris
OH MY GOD!

The masked man quickly panics and fires the arrow in another direction. Chris quickly picks out mobile phone and aims it the masked man.

Chris
GET BACK, I HAVE 999 ON SPEED DIAL AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!

The masked man falls on the ground and swiftly removes the mask from his face, and is revealed to be Rickie. Chris settle's down slightly but is still breathing heavily and holding his chest.

Chris
What the BLOODY HELL do you think you're doing?!

Rickie
Sorry mate, I was just playing a game of darts.

Chris enters the room and spots a small dart board hung up on the back of the door.

Chris
...Darts?!

Chris stomps towards Rickie and snatches the crossbow from his hands.

Chris
This... THIS is not a dart, Rickie. This is an impending murder weapon!

Chris frantically tries to destroy the crossbow but fails miserably. He eventually just chucks it across the room.

Chris
How did you get in anyway?

Rickie dusts himself off and clumsily gets back on his feet.

Rickie
Well, me and Nina, we didn't know what time you were getting back so we walked home together. How'd your thing go? I bet you showed them whose the boss, eh?

Chris
Don't really wanna talk about it...

Chris walks over towards the bathroom door and tries to open it, but it is locked. Chris pounds his fist against the door.

Chris
Hey Nina, you in there?

Rickie
Psychic Neil's in there, I invited him over.

Chris gives Rickie a hacked off look on his face.

Rickie
It was Nina's idea; she thought it'd be best.

Chris
And if it was raining and Nina asked you to wear a placenta over your head, like some kind of fleshy bonnet, would you think that would be best?

Rickie
Well...

Chris
Please don't answer that. Where is Nina anyway?

Rickie
She's asleep, last time I checked.

Chris
Right, well I'm going to bed too.

Rickie
What about Psychic Neil?

Chris
Just... tell him he's got the job. Make sure he's ready for tomorrow.

Rickie
Really?

Chris
Yes really. Goodnight.

Rickie
But you haven't even seen his act! He brought his magic-8 ball and his bendy spoons and everything. He even bought a little bag of magical herbs... at least I think they're herbs.

Chris
Well whatever... it's not none of my concern! This is a 50/50 business, okay? You're supposed to deal with the weekend club, not me!

Rickie
But I thought you wanted to...

Chris
Yeah... that's right. If anybody's going to get 'watched', it's me and YOU! Yeah, I'm not going through 'eternal wrath' on my own, no sir. If I'm going down in flames you bet your arse I'm taking you with me!

Rickie
What?

Chris grows a devious look on his face and storms off to his room. 

Chris
Yeah, that's right... the fools think they one-upped me, HA! No way, no bloody way...

Chris continues to mumble under his breath, once he enters his room, he slams the door behind him. Rickie's face shows confusion, but he just shrugs his shoulders, takes a spoon out of his pocket and tries to bend it with his mind. The toilet flushes and Neil steps out of the bathroom holding a newspaper.

Neil
What was that all about?

Rickie
Oh, it's just Chris. He just flipped out a little bit. I think it's due to the pressure of running a business and all that. Some of us can handle it better than others I guess.

Neil
Oh, right.

Rickie
Hey, can you bend wooden spoons?

Neil
Don't be ridiculous, you can't bend wooden spoons with your mind! But you can set them on fire.

Rickie
What, with your mind?

Neil
Yeah... yeah with your mind, yeah.

CUT TO:
HOO KING FELL - WEEKEND CLUB (NIGHT)

It is the next night, Chris is standing outside a heavily decorated Hoo King Fell. Chris is wearing a smart looking tuxedo and is welcoming a few people entering the building. After a short moment, Rickie arrives wearing a fluorescent green suit along with a matching feathered top hat and cane. He struts up towards Chris and poses.

Rickie
Alright, Chris?

Chris
What the hell are you wearing?

Rickie
I know, can you believe it? I got it down Oxfam for a thirty quid, talk about a bargain! They threw in the hat and cane for free, apparently a guy died in it or something.

Chris
Was the guy a pimp?

Rickie
Probably...

Chris
Well I'm just wondering how many Muppets they skinned to make that.

Rickie
Well, I found a gold ring in the inside pocket...

Rickie pulls out the ring and hands it to Chris.

Chris
It says 'Big Poppa Slim.' 

Rickie
I'm guessing that he was either really huge or quite slim. Or maybe he was just huge in fashion.

Chris
Yeah, that must've been it.

Chris hands Rickie back the ring.

Rickie
Anyway, this is going straight on eBay. Oh yeah, check this out...

Rickie presses one of the buttons on his suit sleeve and small red LED lights begin flashing all over his suit. He turns around and the words 'Pimpin' Ain't Easy!' flash on the back.

Rickie
...I'm like a walking Christmas tree!

Chris
TURN THAT OFF!

Rickie frantically reaches for his sleeve and switches it off. Chris storms towards Rickie and grabs him by the shoulder.

Chris
This is a big night for me... for US! I just don’t want people to look at what we’re doing here and think we’re running some kind of seedy whorehouse.

Rickie
Yeah I know that, but weren’t you the one who told me to dress smart?

Chris
Yes. Yes, I did. Anyway, forget it, Psychic Neil’s inside. Says he’s ‘rehearsing’ apparently, I dare not interrupt.

CUT TO
HOO KING FELL – (EXT.) MEN’S TOILETS

We see Nina come into the shot wearing a black dress. She is holding a clipboard under her arm and is greeting several customers. She walks towards the outside of the men’s toilets and taps on the door.

Nina
Hey Neil, you in there? 

Neil (O.S.)
Y-yeah...

Nina
Just thought I’d let you know that we’ll be about ready for your big psychic... thing, in about an hour. So just be ready by than, okay?

There is a short pause of silence.

Nina
...Okay?

The sound of crying and snivelling is heard from behind the door.

Nina
Is everything alright, Neil? You’ve been in there a while.

Neil (O.S.)
I'M FINE! It's just... OH DEAR GOD, WHY?!

Nina
Hold on Neil, I'm coming in, okay?

After waiting for a response, Nina quickly opens the toilet door. She scans the area, but quickly covers her nose with her hands and runs back out. She leans against the outside wall and begins coughing and dry-heaving.

Nina
Yeah, maybe its best you come out here.

Rickie soon enters the scene holding a champagne glass and a can of beer. He waves towards Nina and walks towards her.

Rickie
Alright, how's it going?

Nina
Not too bad, why are you dressed like...?

Rickie
...Like a pimp? It's the only thing I could afford... right now.

Rickie takes the beer can and begins pouring some of the contents into the champagne glass.

Nina
Is that the latest craze?

Rickie
What?

Rickie downs the beer from the glass.

Rickie
Oh, this? Well it's a posh do, innit. You can't drink straight from the can, you know.

Rickie refills his champagne glass with beer.

Nina
Or, you could just go really crazy and drink beer from an actual pint glass. 

Rickie
...Oh. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.

Rickie downs the beer from the glass, but continues to pour more beer inside afterwards.

Rickie
So, who you waiting for? You got yourself a fella?

Nina
Yeah, your fella. I think he's crying in there or something.

Rickie
What?! Neil? Crying? You're having a laugh, right?

Rickie attempts to enter the toilets but Nina stops him.

Nina
I really, really wouldn't.

The sound of flushing is heard from within the toilets, and the door is slowly opened. Neil stands in the entrance, wearing a purple cape over a black tuxedo. He is blowing his nose with a large pile of toilet tissue and has teary eyes.

Rickie
You alright, man? What's the matter, are you constipated again?

Neil
No... Linda wants a divorce.

Neil takes some divorce papers from his suit pocket and waves them in the air.

Neil
After all these years, how can she expect me to sign these?!

Rickie
Oh mate, come here. Let me give you a man hug. 

Rickie motions for a hug, but stops.

Rickie
You have washed your hands right?

Neil nods.

Rickie
Okay, come here.

Neil walks towards Rickie and hugs him. 

Rickie
It's just that... I don't want to get... poo on the suit.

Nina
Sorry, I'm lost. Who's Linda?

Rickie ends the hug and pats Neil on the shoulder.  

Rickie
Linda is Neil's wife of about 10 years... is it 10 years?

Neil nods.

Rickie
10 years, wow. What a waste, eh? What a bloody waste. All that walking down the aisle, spending all that money on that wedding and pronouncing those sacred vows to each other, and for what? Just so she can stab you in the back 10 years later.

Neil covers his face with his hands and bursts into tears again.

Rickie 
That's it mate, let it all out. 

Nina
You're still ready to go for tonight though, right? It's just we've got quite a crowd in...

Rickie
NINA! Don't be ridiculous! Of course Neil will be ready to go for tonight, right Neil?

Rickie gently shakes Neil by the shoulder, but Neil continues to blubber. 

Rickie
Yeah, of course he is. Just sort him out with a drink, get him some grub, he'll be as right as rain.

Nina
Okay, yeah.

Rickie
Neil, I'm gonna leave you in the company of the lovely Nina here, okay? I gotta go meet Chris for a sec, won't be long.

Nina
What?! You're leaving me with him?

Rickie
Yeah, you'll be fine.

Rickie quickly exits the scene. Neil begins rubbing his tears with his collar sleeve.

Nina
So, do you want me to get you a drink of water or something? Or maybe something hot, do you want a cup of tea?

Neil
Tequila.

Nina
...We also do coffee as well, if you want.

Neil
No, tequila...

Neil points towards a bottle of Tequila on the bar and begins pouring the contents into a couple of shot glasses.

Neil
You want some?

Nina
No. No thanks, but do you think that...

Neil
Fine, more for me.

Neil takes the two shot glasses and downs them both in succession. 

Nina
Right... do you feel better?

Neil
Yeah, in a little bit.

Neil picks up the half-empty bottle of tequila and begins downing the contents of the bottle.

Nina
Oh... right. Bollocks.

CUT TO.
INT. HOO KING FELL - RECEPTION

Chris is standing in front of the reception desk handing out flyers to the customers and is in a very happy mood. A family of four is currently talking to Chris

Chris
Okay guys, enjoy the night, you're going to have a hell of a lot of fun!

The family make their way into the main stage area. Chris walks behind the reception desk whistling, 'We're In The Money'. He playfully opens the cash desk and ogles at all the money inside.

Woman
Excuse me!

Chris looks up and sees a voluptuous woman with platinum blonde hair and quite a lot of fake tan, standing in front of him.

Woman
Yeah, you got 'The Psychic Neil Experience' performing tonight?

Chris
Indeed, all night long!

Woman
Right.

The woman walks back out the door and looks down both sides of the road.

Woman
FERNANDO?! I FOUND THE PLACE! WHERE ARE YOU WITH MY BABIES?

A muscular man of Greek descent comes running down into the Hoo King Fell holding about 5 dog leashes, all attached to little Chihuahua's.

Fernando
I am sorry my sweet, but the dogs, they like to bite me.

Chris
Sorry, but there's no dogs allowed, you're going to have to leave them outside.

The woman frowns and storms back towards the reception desk.

Woman
Is that right? Well... maybe this will change your mind.

The woman pulls four £50 notes from her bra and slams them down onto the reception desk. Chris slowly examines the money and quickly pockets it.

Chris
Okay... just keep them quiet during the performance.

Woman
Oh, they'll be kept quiet, don't you worry. Bring the dogs Fern, we're going in.

Fernando
Okay, coming dear.

The woman stomps towards the main stage, leaving Fernando keeping up with her but also trying to control the dogs.

Chris
Bloody hell, you get all sorts these days.

Rickie enters the scene through a different door and leans on the reception desk near Chris.

Chris
If you insist on wearing that sad excuse of a suit, can you at least do it away from the reception desk?

Rickie
Sorry, I just wanted to let you know that there's a slight problem with our main act tonight.

Chris
You are kidding? What problem?!

Rickie
Relax amigo, it's nothing serious. I've got Nina covering it.

Chris
Nina?! Why is she 'covering it?'

Rickie
Because I had to come here, tell you what the problem is.

Chris
You haven't told me what the problem is. 

Rickie pauses in thought.

Rickie
Oh yeah, well it's just he got some divorce papers handed to him this morning, or something. He's taken it kinda rough.

Chris
Well, he'll be alright, right?

Rickie
Okay.

Chris
What?

Rickie
Hmm?

Chris
He'll be okay for tonight, right?

Rickie
Why not?

Chris
You just said he's taken it kind of rough.

Rickie
Oh yeah, well...

Rickie shrugs his shoulders.

Chris
What does that mean?

Rickie
Well I'm sure he'll be okay, just like you said.

Chris
But I hardly know the guy! I'm asking you, will he be alright tonight? Yes or no?

Rickie
Well, yes... if that's the official question.

Chris
Good, fine.

Rickie
Great, well, whatever will be, will be.

Chris
Right.

Rickie taps the reception desk and gently hops towards the door to the main stage.

Chris
No wait, what does THAT mean?!

CUT TO
INT. HOO KING FELL - DINING AREA

The scene shows a fair amount of people packed around tables eating Chinese food. At the front of the room is a small stage area with a microphone stand.
Nina is standing around near the front of the stage pacing backwards and forwards biting her fingernails. 

Nina
Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God...

Rickie walks up from behind her and pats her on the shoulder.

Rickie
Hey.

Nina spins around and slaps Rickie on the chest.

Nina
Where did you go?

Rickie
I just went to update Chris about the problem, what's the matter?

Nina
Well the problems just escalated a little bit. Neil's on a bender, he stole two bottle's of tequila and ran off somewhere.

Rickie
Oh crapcicles.

Rickie looks at his watch.

Rickie
Right, well we got about five minutes to find him, he's gotta be on that stage at 8 o'clock sharp.

Nina
Well I've looked everywhere; he's nowhere to be found.

Rickie
Well it's either that, or I go up there and perform.

Nina
You? Perform?

Rickie
Hey, you're looking at a world class entertainer. All I need is a ukulele and a pair of tap dancing shoes and I will OWN this audience.

Nina
...Right, we have to find him.

Nina and Rickie step towards the stage exits, but Chris comes bursting through them with a solemn expression. 

Chris
There you are Rickie, I was looking all over for ya. You are going to introduce 'Psychic Neil' aren't ya? It's 8 o'clock already.

Nina
Yeah, he is, it's just Neil, he kinda...

Chris
Kinda what? I just saw him a minute ago; he's waiting for his cue.

Rickie
He is?

Chris
Yeah, he seemed a little bit 'spaced out', but I'm guessing that's all part of the act.

Rickie
...Yeah, yeah, that's part of his act, yeah.

Nina
But, Rickie...

Rickie gently nudges Nina with his elbow.

Rickie
It's part of his 'ACT', Nina. Don't worry.

Chris
'Don't worry?' Don't worry about what?

Rickie
Oh, nothing... just nothing. I better go introduce... and stuff.

Rickie laughs manically and nervously heads towards the stage crossing his fingers.

Chris
Wow, I always doubted Rickie, but tonight he's really managed to pull through.

Nina
Y-yeah, he sure has.

Chris
Is it me, or does Rickie seem a little... shaky? Just seems a bit odd, considering he's supposed to be some kind of 'stage veteran'.

Nina
Well, I bet even Marlon Brando got the heebie-jeebies when he first took to the stage, are you sure Neil's behind that curtain?

Chris
Yes! Why?

CUT TO.
INT. HOO KING FELL - PERFORMANCE AREA

Rickie nervously walks up towards the performance area with a fixed grin upon his face. The crowd in attendance slowly quieten down as Rickie reaches the microphone.

Rickie
Hello, ladies and gentle...

Feedback emits loudly from the mic, the audience grab their ears and some scream in shock. Rickie takes the microphone from the stand beats it against the back of his wrist, until the feedback stops.

Rickie
Sorry, it's been a while...

Rickie clears his throat and places the mic back in the stand.

Rickie
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Hoo King Fell Restaurant & Club. I hope you are all enjoying the fine Chinese cuisine that is laid out in front of you. Created by the finest chefs China and the North Swindon area have to offer.

Rickie backs away from the microphone stand and tries to see behind the curtain, but doesn't see anyone.

Rickie
Tonight we have a very special guest for you, hopefully... he is this weekend's Hoo King Fell Headliner, please give a huge round of applause and welcome to the stage, PSYCHIC NEIL!

The audience begin applauding alongside Rickie as mystical music begins playing from the PA system and a fog machine is activated. After a brief moment of waiting, Psychic Neil is nowhere to be seen.

Rickie
Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, it appears we have a few technical difficulties, please hold tight as we...

Out from behind the curtain, Psychic Neil stumbles out onto the stage with his cape draped over his face. He quickly gets up and rips the cape from off his face.

Rickie
PSYCHIC NEIL, ladies and gentlemen!

Rickie applauds Neil and exits the stage; Neil slowly limps towards the microphone and burps loudly, causing the audience to groan in disgust.

Neil
S-sorry... Okay, who wants to s-see some magic, eh? I'll show you some paranoial... p-perennial... paranormal feats that will make you question your very sanity, ladies and lady-men. I require exactly... one member of this audience, to step upon t-this stage... that I am standing on, this current time.

Neil props himself up with the microphone stand and blindly points out at a man sitting in the audience.

Neil
Y-you sir, here... NOW!

The man nervously shakes his head and raises his hands up.

Neil
What do you mean, NO?! Get your arse up here now, before I m-melt your brain like a... like an egg!

The man reluctantly stands up and makes his way towards the stage as a few audience members applaud.

Neil
DO NOT APPLAUD! He has done n-nothing substantial!

CUT TO
HOO KING FELL - DINING AREA

Chris, Rickie & Nina are sitting around a small table near the back of the room. Both Rickie & Nina seem particularly nervous, whereas Chris just seems confused.

Chris
He seems awfully loud, I thought he'd be a little more subtle.

Rickie
No, no, that's just his way...

Chris
You could probably say that he appears quite unconcerned, like he's had one too many.

Nina
Well, actually...

Rickie interrupts Nina with a loud panicky laugh.

Rickie
'One too many?!' No, don't be ridiculous! He's just... he's just warming up, is all.

CUT TO
INT. HOO KING FELL - MAIN STAGE

The man Psychic Neil invited onto the stage is now sitting down in a chair placed in front of Neil. Neil has his hands over his shoulders.

Neil
What is your name, Sir?

Man
It's Barry.

Neil
Okay Gary, I'm going to ask you...

Man
I said, 'it's Barry!'

Neil
...Doesn't matter. Gary, Barry, Larry, Harry or anything else that rhymes with... Arry, your name is of no importance here, for all you need to do is... 

Neil wraps his hands around Gary's face.

Neil
SLEEP! SLEEP GARY, SLEEP!

Neil rubs his hands all over Barry's face. Barry immediately removes Neil's hands from his face and stands up from the chair with a ferocious look on his face.

Barry
'Ere, what you doing mate?

Neil
Shut it! You're under my command now!

Barry
The hell I am, I'm out of here!

Neil
Oh no you don't, I order you to cluck like a chicken! CLUCK, GARY!

Neil rushes over towards the leaving Barry, but Barry elbows him in the face, knocking him down. Neil grabs him by the ankles and soon a full-blown fight erupts on stage.

CUT TO
INT. HOO KING FELL - DINING AREA

Chris' is standing up in front of his chair with his mouth wide open in awe. Rickie and Nina are just sitting in their chairs trying to keep calm.

Chris
Please, tell me that's an actor...

Chris looks down at Rickie and grabs him by his shirt collar.

Chris
Tell me that's an actor, Rickie!

Nina stands up and pulls Chris off of Rickie.

Nina
Stop, Chris! Look, there's something I need to tell you...

CUT TO
INT. HOO KING FELL - MAIN STAGE

Neil and Barry are still fighting each other on the main stage. Barry takes the microphone and beats Neil around the head with it. Suddenly the bleach blonde woman from earlier makes her down towards the front of the stage and throws her handbag at Barry.

Woman
GET OFF MY HUSBAND!

The fight stops as Neil lies down on the stage floor with a bloody lip. He spots the woman in the front of the audience and calms down.

Neil
Linda? What are you doing here?

Linda
You mean, apart from saving your fat arse?

Barry staggers up to his feet and storms off the stage.

Linda
I want those bloody divorce papers signed! Me and Fernando have two plane tickets to the Seychelles... we're getting married, Neil.

Neil stands up and looks across at the audience. Most of them are infuriated and have either left or are in the process of leaving. Neil looks back at Linda.

Neil
You mean, you're really gonna leave me for...?

Neil spots Fernando in the audience with the dogs.

Neil
...The dog walker!

Neil leaps off the stage and tackles Fernando onto a table full of food, sending screaming customers fleeing in terror. The two end up brawling up and down the aisle way, as Linda tries to break the two apart.

CUT TO
EXT. HOO KING FELL - RECEPTION

It is about an hour after the incident on stage took place and Chris is trying to converse with the many angry customers leaving the Hoo King Fell.

Chris
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so sorry for what happened tonight; please don't hesitate to join us again.

Gary emerges from the crowd of people and points his finger at Chris.

Gary
I want my bloody money back, mate! Your so-called talent assaulted me!

Chris
Well to be honest Sir, you did assault him first.

Barry
I'll assault you in a minute!

Barry goes to attack Chris but another man holds him back.

Man
Forget about him Barry, he's not worth it! C'mon, the Grand Dragon's still open; I hear Jodie Marsh hangs out in there.

Chris
No, wait... free meals for everybody!

Barry
Screw you mate.

Barry pushes Chris away and stands on top of the reception desk.

Barry
C'MON EVERYBODY, TO THE GRAND DRAGON! DRINKS ON ME!

The crowd roar approval and begin marching their way inside the Grand Dragon restaurant. Chris lowers his head and sighs.

CUT TO
EXT. HOO KING FELL - FRONT ENTRANCE

Two police cars are lined up in the middle of the road, Nina is chatting to a police officer, whereas Rickie is chatting to Neil.

Rickie
Sorry about today.

Neil
It's no problem, mate. A gig's a gig. 

Rickie
I just completely forgot you were an absolute maniac. 

Neil
Yeah, I am a bit of a loose cannon.

Rickie
Well, hopefully you'll get the help you need.

Neil
Yeah...

The camera pans out and we see that Neil is handcuffed and is being escorted into a police car by two armed police officers.

Neil
Good luck with your career mate, you're gonna hit the big time one day!

Chris
Thanks mate, good luck with... jail.
  
Neil gives Rickie a thumbs up, before being tossed into the back of a police van. Rickie spots Chris walking out of the Hoo King Fell along with Nina, he jogs towards them.

Rickie
Hey Chris, sorry about today. I promise I'll pick a much better act next time...

Chris
Don't worry about it, Qué Será, Será, as they say.

Rickie
What... really?

Chris
Yeah, I mean if I weren't suffocating on my own rage, I probably would be strangling you to near unconsciousness right about now. 

Rickie
Oh.

Chris
But, I've come to terms that this is a 50/50 partnership, and tonight was your night. You successfully managed to fuck things up all by yourself.

Rickie
Aww, thanks Chris!

Chris, Nina and Rickie begin walking back inside the Hoo King Fell.

Rickie
So... it turns out 'Psychic Neil' also goes by the nickname of 'Psycho Neil', it just slipped my mind.

Nina
Ah, that would explain the whole 'going-mental-and-destroying-everything-in-sight' routine. 

Rickie
Yeah.

Nina
So have you got anything planned for next weekend?

Rickie
I'm thinking about toning it down a little; perhaps just get a whole bunch of cats to play musical instruments.

Chris
Cat's huh? That... could work.

END

CREDITS ROLL
'Qué Será, Será'- Background Theme