Introduction

Characters

Chris Milgram 
Short, late 20’s, nerdy-geeky type character, awkward and silly, fairly happy-go-lucky 

Nina Marquez 
Early 20’s Small, tough, sarcastic, straight-faced, female character, strong willed, cousin of Chris

Rickie Greaves  
Early 30’s, Scottish, rough looking, boorish, carefree, idle character, former television ‘personality’

“Old Joe”
Late 50’s, homeless person, speaks loudly, slightly loopy, perhaps senile

Mr. Hiroko
Early 40’s, Chinese, noble, quick-witted professional, business man

Colin
Early 20’s, Welsh, reserved, imaginative, considerably strange, fairly odd, slightly slow on the uptake character

CHINATOWN

Episode 1 
‘Pilot’

Transcript
by Julian D. Evelyn

EPISODE 1: PILOT

FIRST DRAFT
MARCH 05 2006

EXT. American Police Department – Daytime

Sunlight through palm trees, a quick flash of a group of rollerbladers skate by in skimpy outfits and a man selling ice cream from a parked truck to ravenous children is shown. Camera slowly zooms in on the front side of police department.

INT. American Police Department – Office

Camera shows a group of cops standing around a small table, all staring downwards and chatting amongst themselves. Due to the large amount of cops all staring down towards the table, most of their faces are blocked from view.

Chief
I got to tell you Chris, I didn’t think anybody could single-handedly stop those Russian terrorist bastards from taking over the United States of America. But you pulled it off. You not only managed to accomplish your mission, but you managed to save the Presidents daughter, wipe out cancer, prevent the extinction of the Red Gutter Weasel, redecorate the Lieutenant’s kitchen...and you still somehow managed to stop off for doughnuts! 

The cop that just finished talking, stands up, holding a large box of donuts and flashes it at the camera. The cops continue diving in at the donuts like wild animals at a carcass.
The camera turns towards Chris sitting down at his desk. He is dressed in full police gear and appears to be in his 20’s, has short brown hair and 5 o’clock shadow.

Chris
Well...being a rookie cop isn’t easy. I know I’ve still got a lot to prove, but I can’t help being a loner, maverick, bastardised, rebel without a cause. It’s just my way. If I see trouble, it usually finds its way around me. Trouble sniffs me out like a German Shepherd on crack cocaine.

Chris stares downwards on his desk with a pained expression on his face. Cop #1 comes back on the screen and looks down on him.

Chief
Well, dry those salty tears Chris. I’ve got a surprise for you.

Cop #1 pulls out a small black box and places it on his desk. Chris slowly looks up, and examines the box.

Chief
Go on, open it up. I know you’re still a rookie, but I think you deserve it.

Chris picks up the box and looks up at Cop #1

Chris
This isn’t what I think it is...is it?

Chris opens the box, to reveal and oversized golden badge inside.

Chief
That’s right, Chris, I’m officially promoting you...to Super Cop. The highest ranking there is.

Chris
But do you think a renegade, radical badass like me could be up to the challenge?

Chief
Absolutely. You’ve definitely got the right stuff.

Chris takes the badge out of the box and pins it on his shoulder. He shines it off with a handkerchief and stares at it with admiration.

Chris
This has to be the greatest working day of my life. Thanks Chief, I won’t let you down.

Chris goes to stand up, but Cop #1 pushes Chris back down on his seat.

Chief
Hold on, Chris. There’s something I need to show you.

Chris
Oh, is it details for the next mission?

Chief
No, it’s something a lot more disturbing.

Chris
R-right, okay...what is it?

The cop quickly undoes his belt and lowers his trousers and boxers and than faces towards Chris.

Chief
...It’s my penis.

Chris sits in his seat with a confused and disgusted look on his face. He switches between looks up at the chiefs face, and down at his nether regions.

Chris
Oh. Okay. Well, (clears throat) is there any specific reason why...um...you’re showing me...it...at all?

Chief
Not really, just thought you might want to take a look.

He puts his hands on his waist.

Chris
Right, well...I actually don’t want to look, nor do I think its necessary...right now, so...

Chris stands up quickly out of his chair and slowly backs out the door, but as he goes to turn around, a clown and an angry group of circus midgets are all standing around him. The clown steps forward in front of the midgets, making his huge clown shoes squeak against the wooden floor.

Clown
You might want to do as he says, mate.

He pulls out a small penknife and holds it against his throat.

Midget
Yeah, fool!

Chris looks down at the midgets, up at the clown, and than across at the semi-naked police chief.

Chris
Hold on a minute, none of this makes any sense. I’ve just completed a whole ton of missions today, I’m tired and I’m...

Chris’s face changes to a more slightly more relieved one, as he sits back down on his chair.

Chris (English Accent)
...Oh, I get it. This is just a dream, isn’t it?

The clown, police chief and midgets all look at each other as though they’d been rumbled.

Chris
It’s alright guys, you don’t need to pretend.

Chief
Yeah, you’re right Chris, you found us out...again!

Chris
Yeah, I figured it got a little weird, with you flashing your penis like that. That’s not like you, man. 

Chris stands up behind the desk and places his hands on it.

Chris
Than, the whole clown thing? C’mon, man. That’s just gonna throw me off entirely. You’ve got to build me up a little bit more, you know? You can’t just throw THAT big old curveball in here.

Chris points at the clown and the midgets, who now have their faces pointed towards the ground.

Chris
No offence guys, but you are pretty random. And I think I’ve seen one of you midgets in my dreams before. That slightly chubby one, he was chasing me in a haunted house a few nights ago.

The slightly chubby midget shrugs his shoulders.

Chris
I’ll never forget those eyes, mate. Honestly, I don’t know. Anyway, I best be waking up soon, or I’ll be late for work. Chief, or should I say, Roy...?

Chris extends his arm and shakes hands with the semi-naked Chief.

Chris
...Always a pleasure. I’m sure I’ll see you again.

Chris walks over towards a wooden hanger, pulls a long leather jacket off the hook and than puts it on.

Chris
So, you’re...not gonna pull your trousers up than?

Chief
Well, I can’t. It’s your dream.

Chris
Yeah...right. My dream, huh? You dirty bastard.

Once Chris finishes putting on his jacket and walks towards the door. He turns knob repeatedly, but doesn’t manage to get it open.

Chris
Say, how do I get out of this place anyway?

Chief
The same way you escape all your dreams. You just start running wildly on the spot, whilst flailing your arms in the air, screaming and shouting like a mentalist.

Chris
Oh. Well, I just figured there’d be another way. Considering that we ended on pretty good terms this time.

Chief
Oh.

Chris
Is there another way?

Chief
No. No there isn’t.

Chris
Right, I better get on with it then.

Chris begins to ready himself, similar to the way a sprinter might do before a big race. He takes in a large breath, and begins to jog on the spot.

Chris
Oh no, I'm scared beyond belief. I cannot possibly fathom a more frightening dream...God, how long do I have to do this? 

He takes a glance at his watch and continues to jog. Suddenly fog begins to bellow into the room, as the lighting slowly darkens.

Chris
Okay, here we go...help, this fog and mild darkness is terribly fear-provoking.

More and more fog begins bellowing in from seemingly nowhere.

Chris
Okay, that's too much fog now...

Chris begins to cough and splutter.

Chris
...Yeah, I'm actually not liking it now, it's gonna mess up my sinuses...

The atmosphere continues to get foggier and blurred, until the screen fades to black all together.

INT. Chris’ Flat - Bedroom – Morning

The camera focuses on a ray of sunshine bursting through a pair of yellowy-greenish curtains. The camera pans out and shows a fairly worn down and dilapidated looking bedroom. Amongst the room things are scattered all over. These include things like, cans of beer, empty coffee pots, a leaking magic 8 ball, a Monopoly board and a half-empty glass of water which has a goldfish swimming inside.

The camera looks towards a small digital alarm clock which reads 07:29. After a brief moment, the clock switches to 07:30 and begins to make a sharp shrill beeping noise.

Camera focuses on Chris who is lying underneath a large black quilt. After a while, Chris’ head pops out underneath the quilt and slowly, he begins to show signs of life. His hand quickly erupts from beneath the quilt and is slammed down on the clock, causing it to switch to radio. He slowly turns around and sits upright, with his face covered underneath fairly long matted hair, which has a small blob of white gunk overhanging from it. He rubs his eyes and examines the substance with his fingers.

Chris
...What the...?

He leans forward and begins rubbing the substance between his thumb and index finger. 

Chris
...Glue? Toothpaste?

He leans forward slowly and begins to rub the substance on his teeth with his finger. He closes his mouth and looks as though he’s about to retch.

Chris
Oh...mayonnaise.

He leans forward and picks up the half empty glass which contains the goldfish, and quickly begins guzzling from it. Mid-drink, he notices the goldfish inside, and spits out the water, meanwhile, dropping the glass and the goldfish.

Chris
MINDY! 

Chris collapses to the floor and frantically looks for his fishy friend. He reaches under the bed and catches hold of ‘Mindy’ the goldfish with both hands. He rises to his feet, before hearing loud banging noises from the ceiling, which causes some of the dried paint to come crumbling down onto Chris.

Voice From Above
CHRIS! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO KEEP THE NOISE DOWN?! DON’T YOU KNOW ITS 7AM?!

Chris looks up and puts his hand to his mouth

Chris
SORRY, MRS. MORDESKEN...STEIN!

Chris hobbles his way towards a large round goldfish bowl, which contains another goldfish.

Chris
And it’s seven-thirty...crazy old nut.

Louder banging erupts from the ceiling, causing more paint and debris to crumble onto Chris.

Mrs. Mordeskenstein
I HEARD THAT! God damn kids...no fucking respect, I tell ya...

Mrs. Mordeskenstein’s voice slowly fades away, as Chris shakes his head and places the goldfish into the bowl.

Chris
There you go, Mindy. Now you’ve got to learn to get on with Mork, I’m running low on cash and I need to sell your offspring. So I can’t have you running out on him. I know his eye’s bug out sometimes, but he’s a good guy and a sexy son of a gun, to boot. 

Chris turns around to the other side of the bowl, and spots Mork around the back, who is a slightly larger goldfish.

Chris
C’mon Mindy, goldfish are a hot commodity these days, so you got to get it together, I need some fast profit and Mork? He isn’t gonna live much longer. ‘Nanu Nanu’ guys, ‘Nanu Nanu’

Chris chuckles to himself, stands back up and heads towards a cupboard and pulls out a box of Coco Pops, but before he could finish pulling it out, the entire content spill out from the bottom of the box, causing a huge mess on the floor.

Chris
SHIT! Upside-Down, again! How the hell does that happen?! Well...it looks like it’s another floor breakfast for me.

Chris grabs a carton of milk from the fridge and a spoon from his pocket and sits down next to the pile of Coco Pops. He opens the carton and takes a huge gulp of milk, but makes sure not to swallow. He takes out his spoon and picks up a small heap of cereal, raises his mouth upwards, and dumps the cereal in.
Chris looks back towards the goldfish bowl, which has Mindy staring directly at him. After he’s finished swallowing he stares angrily at Mindy.

Chris
Don’t look at me like that. I’m not eating from the bottom half, I do have standards. You know I can’t afford to waste money on bowls! This...this is called improvisation, Mindy.

Chris reaches back for the carton of milk and prepares to repeat the process.

Chris
Anyway, I don’t know what you’re laughing at. When I get back I want to see some goddamn fish babies.

FADE OUT TO TITLES
THEME: THE FRATELLIS – CHELSEA DAGGER

EXT. Chinese Restaurant

The scene shows the outside of Hoo King Fell, a fairly popular Chinese restaurant in the middle of town. Chris is shown speeding up towards the restaurant on a bicycle, wearing a cheap brown suit and a bike helmet. He quickly brakes outside the restaurant, jumps off his bike and attempts to padlock his bike to a street sign that is covered with some sort of putrid greenish scum.

Chris
Ew, what the hell happened here?!

Whilst Chris tries to find a way to attach his bicycle to the post, a scruffy looking tramp walks up behind him and just stands there.

Tramp
YOBBO’S! 

Chris jumps up in astonishment and turns around. However, the expression on his face changes quickly from shock to relaxation.

Chris
Oh, it’s just you Joe. God, you scared the crap out of me!

Joe
YOBBO’S! YOBBO’S!

Chris
...What?

Chris goes back to trying to securing his bicycle to the street sign.

Joe
DRUNKEN BLOODY YOBBO’S!

Joe shakes Chris’ shoulder in a crazed fashion.

Chris
Look Joe, I’m late enough as it is, I haven’t got time for your ramblings today.

Joe
DRUNKEN BLOODY YOBBO...BASTARDS! COME EXCRETE THEIR MOUTH WASTE ON MY BLOODY PATCH! 

Chris
What?...Oh...OH! 

Chris leaps up to his feet and wipes his hands on his suit.

Chris
Oh right, I’m sorry to hear that. 

Joe reaches into his pockets and pulls out a tied plastic bag filled with whistles.

Joe
Buy my whistles?

Chris
...Um, no thanks Joe. No whistles today. I’m kind of in a hurry...

Chris leans his bike up against the wall, and quickly tries to enter the restaurant, but Joe grabs him by the shoulder and holds him up against the wall.

Joe
BUY MY MAGICAL WHISTLES!

Joe raises the bag up to Chris’ face, whilst still pinning him against the wall by his shoulder

Chris
Alright, Joe! Look I’ll make a deal with you! If you...

Joe
...DEAL?

Chris
...Yes, deal. If you can chain my bike up for me, I’ll buy each and everyone of your magical whistles!

Joe loosens his grip on Chris and stares at the bicycle and than stares back at Chris. Joe scratches his long beard with his hand and begins to laugh underneath his breath.

Joe
You buy ALL my magical whistles?!

Joe grabs Chris again, this time, by the throat whilst Chris yelps in pain.

Chris
...God damn it, YES!

Joe
And I get a plate of sweet and sour chicken?!

Chris
WHAT?!

Joe points his hand on a sign in the window of the Hoo King Fell, which reads ‘Free Sweet & Sour Chicken’.

Chris
...But...you only get the free sweet and sour chicken when you buy a side order of ri-i-i-i-i...

Joe squeezes his neck tighter, causing Chris’ face to turn red.

Chris
...FINE...D-DEAL!

Joe takes his hands off his throat and shakes Chris by the shoulders whilst muttering and sniggering quietly to himself. Chris struggles to get his breath back and begins coughing. Joe spits on his hand and offers a handshake.

Joe
Ha, DEAL!

Chris looks nervously at Joe’s spittle covered hand.

Chris
Oh, Joe...I don’t know if I should shake your hand man, I kind of just...

Joe frantically grabs Chris’ hand and forcefully holds it in his spit-covered palm.

Chris
...Okay, you’re shaking my hand. I’m potentially contracting...over a million different germs...and viruses...as we speak. Outstanding.

Chris manages to release his hand from Joe’s vice grip and wipes it on his trouser leg.

Joe
Old Joe will be eating like a king, boy! Like a king!

Chris shakes his head and slowly walks into the Hoo King Fell with low spirits.

INT. Chinese Restaurant

Chris walks into the Chinese restaurant which is very brightly decorated with traditional Chinese décor. A few other employees, mostly of Chinese descent are either cooking in the kitchen area or are mopping the floors. 

Employee #1
Ooh, you gonna get it, Chris.

Chris
What are you talking about?

Employee #1 points to a clock hanging on the wall which reads ’10:37’

Chris
That clock isn’t right. The time is clearly...

Chris checks his cheap digital watch.

Chris
‘9:72’... wait a minute...

Chris smacks the watch.

Chris
Wait a minute... ‘0:96’...no, wait...

Chris smacks the watch twice more.

Chris
...Great, now it says ‘Err...or’, thanks a lot Dave.

Chris quickly runs towards the back of the restaurant until he reaches the cash desk.

Chris searches the kitchen area, before pulling out a large, wet dishcloth and begins to clean the outside of a fat fryer.

Voice Off-Screen
CHRIS!

The camera turns towards the corner of the room where a man wearing a man wearing an all white jumpsuit, blue and white pinstripe overalls and a large chef hat appears. He has a fairly young appearance but has a look and a manner of a very experienced businessman.

Chris
Oh, Mr. Hiroko.

Mr. Hiroko picks up a rolling pin from a kitchen counter and slowly walks towards Chris whilst batting it in his palm.

Chris
Oh, Mr. Hiroko, please, there’s no need for that. I know I’m late but I had a real hard time getting to work today. Traffic, you know? It was absolutely horrendous.

Mr. Hiroko
Well correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you ride a...bicycle to work?

Chris
Oh yeah, but...

Mr. Hiroko
So surely the pavement is accessible to you, as well as the road?

Chris
Well yeah, but sometimes there isn’t any room, especially at rush hour. Not only that, the suspension on my bicycle keeps playing up from time to time, they keep giving me these marks on my arse...

Mr. Hiroko
Mr. Dylan, this is the 14th day in a row that you have showed up late for work. Now usually this wouldn’t be so bad, except, how long have you been working in my establishment?

Chris
...About a couple of weeks?

Mr. Hiroko
Precisely! Now, Mr. Dylan I suggest you try taking public transport if you want to continue working here. Can’t you use the bus?

Chris
Well, actually I can’t. Old Joe, he...

Mr. Hiroko
What about him?

Chris
...He managed to steal and eat my bus pass.

Mr. Hiroko
Curse him! That guy is like a tumour to my business, he’s the reason I’m losing all of my customers. Turns out the general public are a little put off from drunken, foul-mouthed old freaks like our ‘Old Joe’.

Camera cuts to Joe looking in through the window licking his lips and smiling.

Chris
Well you got to give it to him, he’s persistent. He seems to like it here.

Mr. Hiroko
He’s been haunting me for almost a decade now. I even tried moving the business further down the road, but he still managed to locate us.

Chris
Have you thought about giving him a job?

Mr. Hiroko
Ha! Don’t make me laugh, he’s got that smell. Like...like old man, you know? He has that old man stink. Nope. No way, would I even consider giving him a job, the passing dogs wouldn’t even piss on him. I also find it highly unlikely that he has any qualifications.

Chris
Well I don’t have any...I mean, yeah...yeah, you’re probably right.

Mr. Hiroko
Anyway, considering it doesn’t look like we’ll be getting many customers today, I’ve decided to close up shop. You can leave. In fact, EVERYBODY CAN LEAVE, WE’RE CLOSING UP.

Mr. Hiroko repeats his last sentence in Chinese. He walks around towards a counter, picks up a small towel and begins to wipe down the rolling pin he is still holding.

Chris
Oh, okay. Well I promise I’ll be on time tomorrow. Old Joe always seems to be a lot calmer on Fridays, I think it’s due to the medication he takes...or the pavements he licks.

Mr. Hiroko
No, you don’t understand Chris, I’m closing...for good.

Mr. Hiroko chucks the rolling pin into the sink and slowly shuffles towards, and sits at, one of the restaurant tables where he holds his face in his hands. Other employees slowly begin leaving.

Chris
What?! No... No, No! You can’t close this place!

Other employees look around at Chris, but continue to make there way out the building. Chris quickly follows Mr. Hiroko and sits at the chair opposite his.

Chris
This place is legendary, you can’t just close it! Wasn’t it you that once called it a ‘revolution in Chinese cuisine?’ The one place where you can order Chinese food AND novelty t-shirts...

The camera quickly shifts to the corner of the room where a bunch of tattered cardboard boxes filled with old soiled t-shirts, with most saying, ‘Yum Yum Dim Sum’ & ‘Goodness Gracious, Try Our Great Pork Balls of Fire!’

Chris
...Yeah, that didn’t really take off.

Mr. Hiroko
Yeah, and I’m still paying for those.

Chris
The ‘Great Pork Balls Of Fire’ was my idea, I still like that one.

Chris giggles to himself, before noticing the mildly angry face of Mr. Hiroko.

Mr. Hiroko
Last night I got a phone call, Chris. My uncle, back in China, he is very sick. The doctors, they don’t know how long he has left...I have to be there.

Chris
Oh, of course...I’m sorry, I didn’t know.

Mr. Hiroko
...Yeah, so hopefully, if I give him the impression that I actually care, I can get dibs on his £3,000,000 estate.

Chris
What?! But I thought...

Mr. Hiroko pulls out a small crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and unfolds it on the table. The piece of paper shows a birds-eye view of the multi-million pound estate.

Mr. Hiroko
Check this out.

Mr. Hiroko taps his finger on the paper.

Chris
I don’t know, Mr. Hiroko. I can’t help but feel a little bit bad about what you’re doing, I mean...

Mr. Hiroko turns the paper around and slides it towards Chris.

Chris
...Holy macaroni, check out the size of that pool!

Mr. Hiroko
That’s nothing! It even has an indoor tennis court and an outdoor bowling alley! 

Chris
You mean a house that turns regular sporting customs on its head?!

Mr. Hiroko
Exactly, this is why I must grab this opportunity with both hands. Chris, there’s nothing left for me here...which is why I’m leaving you with this.

Mr. Hiroko reaches into his apron pocket and pulls out some papers wrapped up like a tube with rubber bands. He hands the papers over to Chris.

Mr. Hiroko
I think you might like it.

Chris slowly removes the rubber bands, and uncurls the papers onto the table.

Chris
Wow...this...THIS, is great, I mean it’s not exactly Stephen King, but it might make good reading material for the holidays.

Mr. Hiroko
...They’re deeds, Chris. I’m giving you 75% of the Hoo King Fell. This means that you have complete control over what happens here.

Chris
Complete control?! With all due respect Mr. Hiroko, I don’t really have any idea on how to run a business. I mean, the last business I ran I...I was a kid! It was a home-made lemonade stand outside my house, but the Department of Health shut it down after my customers discovered traces of copper in the product.

Mr. Hiroko just stares in silence at Chris.

Chris
...THEY WERE SMALL TRACES! I had to make it in a barrel, what did they expect?! It was never gonna be store quality! I personally thought the copper gave it a bit of a kick...

Mr. Hiroko stares bemused at Chris.

Mr. Hiroko
...Wow. Okay, well relax, when I said complete control, I’ll still be able to guide you, I’ll be able to supply you with money, help you out with stock control...sanitation of the products...and all other things. I’ll only be a phone call away if you need me.

Chris
Yeah, but I really don’t know...

Mr. Hiroko
Chris, I know we haven’t known each other very long, and you’re not exactly the most punctual person I’ve ever had working for me...but you’re definitely the most hard-working, the most reliable and most devoted employee I’ve ever had, not to mention my best customer.

Chris
Well I love this place! I’ve been coming here since I was a kid, hell, Old Joe is pretty much a second father to me...as disturbing and upsetting as that may be. 

Mr. Hiroko
Chris, this is an opportunity of a lifetime, you really don’t want to pass this up do you? Surely you must know a few people who have some kind of idea on how to run a business...?

Cut To:
EXT. Hoo King Fell

Chris and Mr. Hiroko are seen outside the Hoo King Fell locking up the security gates. Mr. Hiroko is out of his work clothes and is now wearing a black shirt, blue jeans and a long overcoat and is holding a briefcase. Chris is holding a white plastic bag with the Hoo King Fell logo on it

Mr. Hiroko
Well, just think about what I said, I’ll leave the offer open to you for about a week. If you decide to change your mind, I could always just sell the property to somebody else. In fact my cousin wants to start her own nail bar...

Chris
...A nail bar?

Mr. Hiroko
Yeah! Could be just what Chinatown needs.

Chris
Yeah... maybe.

Mr. Hiroko
Look, it’s a big decision, and quite a large investment, it’ll take time to think about. Just give me a call when you’ve decided.

Chris
Okay, no problem. Thanks Mr. Hiroko.

Mr. Hiroko
Hey I’m not your boss anymore, just call me Ned.

Chris
Ned?! That’s your...? Wow, you just don’t...you don’t look like a...

Mr. Hiroko looks blankly at Chris

Chris
Thanks...Ned.

Mr. Hiroko
Hey, where’s your bike?

Chris looks down both sides of the street for his bike, but doesn’t see it. Old Joe is sitting down in the street half-asleep.

Chris
Damn it, Joe!

Chris walks up to Old Joe and gently nudges him with his foot. Joe awakes and quickly snatches the plastic bag from Chris’ hands and swiftly opens the many tubs and boxes of Chinese food and begins to chow down.

Chris
Hey Joe, where did you put my bike?

Joe removes his face from a carton of food and points towards a nearby removal van parked across the street.

Chris
Oh...no.

Chris walks up to the removal van and sees his bike chained up to the rear bumper.

Chris
Why? Why does he do it?

Suddenly, the removal van engine starts up, and payloads of grey fumes erupt from the exhaust pipe. Chris splutters and coughs as he rushes round to the front of the van and begins banging on the window.

Chris
Hold on man! Stop the truck!

Unfortunately for Chris, the driver inside the truck is wearing a thick-set pair of headphones and is singing fairly loudly. Also the windows are fairly dirty which make Chris reasonably hard to see.

Chris 
STOP! For the love of God!

The truck begins to move at a steady pace, but Chris begins to take pursuit. The chained-up bike grates across the floor causing a few sparks to fly out from the bicycle wheels.

CUT TO:
INT. BINGO HALL

Camera pans across the inside of a fairly large bingo hall, but only a few people are sitting in the available seats, most of them elderly. At the front of the hall is a stage, where a rather dishevelled man in his late twenties, with long brown hair and a short beard is slouched on a chair in front of a bingo machine.

Rickie
Okay... 6 & 2, sixty-two.

The man speaks slowly and has quite a slur to his words, as if he was drunk and seems quite undaunted & impervious when it comes to his actual job of reading out the numbers. He tosses the ball he picked out of the bingo machine and places it into a bowl on a table next to him.

Rickie
Alright now, 6 & 6, sixty-six... or it might be ninety-nine... I’m not sure. I think you can just tick them both if you’ve got them... or whatever.

The few people in the audience begin to boo the man, and some of them seem quite frustrated.

Rickie
HEY, SHUT UP! I’m doing you guys a favour! God damn numbers... it’s not my fault they’re... confusing.

The man quickly stands up and knocks down the microphone stand in front of him.

Rickie
Shit, hold on...

The man goes to pick up the microphone but his head knocks against the bingo machine knocking it over, spilling out all the plastic bingo balls in the process.

Rickie
Damn it! Okay, just... be quiet for a little while... play amongst yourselves.

The man kneels down and slowly begins placing the balls back into the machine. The jeers from the audience slowly begin to get louder.

Rickie
Keep it down guys... I don’t think anybodies... noticed.

Whilst he is picking up the bingo balls, a fizzy drink can is lobbed from the audience and hits the man on the head.

Rickie
Ow! You ungrateful bastards! Don’t you know who I am? I’m Rickie Greaves, your Bingo King!

Rickie begins picking up bingo balls and throwing them out at the audience, one of the balls hits a small boy on the head, causing him to burst into tears. The audience begins to boo much louder, as many audience members begin throwing things back at Rickie.

Rickie
Oh you want to fight? Huh?! You just had to push it, didn’t ya?! 

Rickie pulls out the bingo machine from the ground, and prepares to throw it into the crowd, but a couple of security members hit the stage tackling Rickie to the ground and slowly begin pulling him backstage, much to the delight of the crowd.

Rickie
No, you can’t do this to me! Get your sweaty limbs off me!

CUT TO:
EXT. BINGO HALL (BACK ALLEY)

The back door of the bingo hall bursts open and Rickie is seen pushed out by the security members. He falls across a collection of dustbins in the corner and plummets to the ground. His clothes are now soaking wet from the rain.

Rickie
You can’t do this, I’m Rickie Greaves! I made this place what it is today... I’m somebody!

A man of authoritative stature is seen coming out of the door between the two security guards and stares down at Rickie.
  
Mr. Striker
You’re nobody, Rickie. You’re a slacker, a freeloader, you show up to MY bingo hall drunk on your ass? Threaten MY customers? No Rickie, this is it, you’re done.

The manager motions for his security guards to head back inside, as he follows alongside them.

Rickie
NO! I’m nowhere near done, those people love me! I’m the single biggest draw this place has ever had!

The manager stops walking, and slowly turns back around.

Mr. Striker
You’re right Rickie, they used to love you. But you lost whatever it is that you had.

Rickie
Well I’m going to be somebody one of these days...

Rickie slowly gets up to his feet and straightens his, soaking wet suit out and wipes his hair from his face.

Mr. Striker
Well not here you’re not, you’re fired.

Rickie
NO! Wait, you can’t do this to me! 

Mr. Striker
You can collect your pay cheque in the morning, once you’ve...  sobered up.

Mr. Striker and his security team enter back inside and quickly close, and lock, the door behind them.

Rickie
I’M NOT EVEN DRUNK!

Rickie runs up to the door, but is too late to get back inside. He thumps the door with his fist.

Rickie
But how am I supposed to live?! 

The sound of the door unlocking is heard as the door opens.

Rickie
Oh, thank you man. Look I know I screwed up, but I think that we can...

An open luggage bag filled with clothes is thrown out the door, sending a few piles sailing towards the wet floor. This is quickly followed by a large box being kicked out with the words ‘Pornbox’ written with black marker on it. The door is quickly closed and locked again.

Rickie
NO! My Pornbox!

Rickie seemingly ignores his clothes, and crawls over to his ‘Pornbox’. He sifts through all the magazines, but most of them have already turned to a slushy pulp from the rain.

Rickie
Ah, you got it all wet! There are classics in here, man! 

Rickie closes the soggy box and kicks it to one side, causing the box to deteriorate, creating a large pile of porn magazines on the floor.

He picks up his luggage and holds it under his arm. Slowly, he backs away from the door and looks as though he is ambling back out towards the main road, but he quickly races back and pounds on the door again.

Rickie
...I’m gonna be a legend one day, you’ll see! I’m gonna have my face plastered over billboards nationwide! ‘Rickie Greaves: Entertainer Extraordinaire’, that’s what they’ll call me! It won’t stop there either, soon they’ll be book signings and movie deals... hell, I’ll probably end up distributing a whole line of lean, mean, grilling machines by Christmas! I’ll have it all!

Before Rickie could finish, a female jogger behind him speeds past listening to an mp3 player. Whilst running she notices Rickie’s pile of porn; gives a disgusted look and continues jogging. Rickie quickly gets up and grabs the woman’s shoulder

Rickie
Hold on, this isn’t what it looks like, you must know who I am, right?

The woman quickly pulls away from him, slaps him across the face and quickly walks off.

Rickie
No, wait I’m not a mugger... or a tramp... I just wanted to know if you knew who I am!

Rickie picks up an old newspaper and holds it above his head to prevent from getting wet, and races back up to the lady.

Rickie
It’s just that I’m a semi-famous celebrity... well kind of, you might’ve seen me on a couple of adverts, and I presented a documentary on ‘Animal Planet.’ Well I say ‘present’; I didn’t actually get credited... I just did a bit with an ostrich...

Rickie jogs past the lady and stands in front of her.

Rickie
C’mon lady, I just need you to talk to my boss, tell him you know me, he’ll quickly change his mind.

The woman removes her earphones and gives Rickie a rather sympathetic look, before giving him a swift kick between his legs. Rickie falls to his knees and yells in agony.

Lady
I don’t know who you are... quite frankly I don’t care, but I’m a black belt, which means if you... or your porn, come near me again, I’ll use your balls to make myself a coin purse, got it?

Rickie
Ok, I... just... wanted to...

Rickie reaches out and touches the lady’s shoe. But as he does, the lady reaches into her handbag and pulls out a spray can of mace and unleashes a heavy dose upon Rickie’s face.

Rickie
OH GOD! IT’S THE DEVIL’S MIST!

Rickie writhes across the paved floor screaming in pain, as the lady walks away muttering under her breath.

Rickie
I need water!

Rickie reaches into a puddle on the side of the street and tries to wash his eyes out.

Rickie
Ah, it burns even more! I need water...uncontaminated water!

Rickie trips backwards over the kerb, and lands in a much larger puddle, completely drenching and dirtying his suit. He slowly crawls up to his knees, still trying to get the burning sensation out of his eyes.

Rickie
...I really don’t think this day can get much...

A truck going at high speed drives over a large puddle in the road, causing a large amount of water to rise up and completely downpour on Rickie, knocking him off his feet. The scene fades out, showing that it was the same removal van from earlier with the bicycle chained to the back, except now the lower half of it is almost completely destroyed.

CUT TO:
INT. Chris Flat – Living Room Area

Scene opens inside Chris’ living room with much dimmed lighting. Chris is lounging across a sofa in front a television with his hand inside a large bowl of marshmallows, scoffing them down in large handfuls. He is wearing a large white dressing gown over stripy grey pyjamas and slippers. He also appears to be watching a romantic soap opera, and is very much occupied with the film storyline, as his eyes never leave the television, even whilst he’s eating. Chris also appears to be crying as a result of what is going on the television

Chris
Oh, Simone... when are you going to realise that Carlos’ is no good for you? He hasn’t even gotten his doctors degree yet! He’s just a... a nurse! You’ve got to get out of that relationship. 

He reaches back into the bowl of marshmallows and downs another heap into his mouth. The television show switches scenes, showing a different character.

Chris
...Ah, now Dr. Lorenzo ¸ there’s a guy you should be with. Sure he’s a little geeky, but he’s got potential... Simone doesn’t know what she’s missing. The underdog’s always getting screwed!

Chris reaches into a box of tissues and dries his eyes and blows his nose.

Female Voice Off-Camera
Hey, who the hell are you talking to?

Camera cuts to the locked bathroom door, which has steam coming from underneath it, also a running shower can be heard from inside. Chris panic’s and knocks over his bowl of marshmallows. He frantically reaches over for the remote control and lowers the volume on the television, and begins clearing up the fallen marshmallows.

Chris
I’m just watching... sports...

Female Voice Off-Camera
Oh yeah, what kind of sport?

Chris
It’s... beach volleyball...? 

Female Voice Off-Camera
...Volleyball? ...At this time of night?

Chris
Yeah... they’ve got really big... lights.

Female Voice Off-Camera
Wow, sounds pretty gay.

Chris
No, this is... extreme volleyball. They’ve got barb wire netting and... land mines. No, it’s not for the faint-hearted Nina; there’s blood and guts... not a pretty sight.

There is a long pause of silence.

Nina
You’re just watching that soap opera/hospital drama thingy that you like so much, aren’t you? What’s it called? ‘General Ward’, ‘Emergency House’?

Chris
IT’S EMERGENCY WARD! Dr. Vladislav is sick Nina, she’s sick, and she’s not getting better! She could die any day now; I can’t afford to miss her death scene. ‘TV NOW’ says it’s going to be ‘explosive!’ I’m guessing spontaneous combustion.

The door to the shower room slowly opens and Nina steps out with a towel wrapped around her, however her face is covered up as she is still drying her face. She slowly shuffles off towards a bedroom.

Nina
Wow, you’re really keeping the spirit of the nerd alive, aren’t ya?

Chris
I’m not a nerd, nerds are smart.

Nina
...Congratulations, you’ve proved me wrong

Nina enters the bedroom and closes the door behind her.

Chris
Hey, I’m confused, did you just insult me? Anyway I don’t know what you’re on about, I’m no nerd.

The theme music plays out ‘Emergency Ward’.

Chris
Let’s see, what else is on... I forgot its Friday, double bill of Robot Wars, Get in!

As Chris begins to get comfortable, the doorbell rings.

Chris
Son of a doodad...

Chris reluctantly gets up from his seat and goes to answer the door. He opens it and much to his surprise; it is Rickie Greaves on the other side. His clothes are dirty and moist and he is carrying his suit jacket in his hand, which now resemble tattered rags. He is also carrying his luggage in one hand, and holding his crotch with the other.

CUT TO:
INT. Chris Flat – Living Room Area

Chris
Oh my God.

Chris raises his hands up to his nose.

Rickie
Chris, I need help.

Chris
What happened? You look... and smell like you lost a fight with a giant turd.

Rickie
I got fired... and consequently evicted. I need a place to stay. Have you got any ice?

Chris
Why do you need ice?

Rickie
It’s for my tadger. 

Rickie points to his crotch.

Rickie
I had a somewhat, ‘indecent encounter’ with a woman, and not the kind I would’ve liked.

Chris gives Rickie a bewildered look, but Rickie picks up his luggage and pushes past him, entering into his flat.

Rickie
Hey, you got a girl over?

Chris
No... Well yeah, actually, my cousin, but...

CUT TO:
CHRIS’ FLAT

Rickie
Oh, I just assumed with the low lighting and the marshmallows that you were probably getting down with some hot chick. Than I realised who you were, and the fact that you haven’t been on a date in over 2 years and you’re probably just watching some schmaltzy soap opera like your beloved ‘Emergency Ward’.

There is a long pause of silence.

Chris
Dr. Vladislav is sick! She isn’t getting any better! 

Rickie
Oh, really? What’s she dying of?

Rickie dumps his luggage in the middle of the room and cracks his knuckles.

Chris
If you must know, she was fed poisoned chicken by her estranged husband Demetri. She was given a week to live, but she’s been alive for almost a month now, but the way she just keeps fighting... nothing short of admirable. I’m telling you, if she can just keep fighting for a little while longer...

When Chris looks back at Rickie, he notices he is sitting down in a chair with his feet on a coffee table watching television.

Chris
Hey, hold on a second! Stop trying to change the subject! You still haven’t told me why you got fired... and evicted!

Rickie
Yeah, its nothing much really, just a little misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion. I’ll only need to stay for a couple of nights, that place doesn’t stand a chance with me not around; they’ll soon be on the phone begging me to come back!

Rickie leans over the couch.

Rickie
Hey man, you got any beer? 

Chris
First of all, get your dirty damp ass off my couch and have a shower! You reek!

Rickie takes his feet off the coffee table and leans forward.

Rickie
Alright ‘Straight-Lace’, I just thought you might want to party or something, call a few of the guys around, perhaps a few lady friends have ourselves a shindig! You know, like the old days? Get this place livened up a bit. Honestly Chris, you look like shit.

Chris rolls his eyes

Chris
Oh, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.

Rickie
Oh, are you making coffee?

Chris
What?! No, It’s just a saying... look just get up will ya?

Rickie notices some neatly folded papers on the table.

Rickie
Alright, hey, what are these?

Chris leaps forward and picks up the papers before Rickie can get to them

Chris
They’re just... paperwork.

Rickie
...Paperwork? From Hoo King Fell? It’s a fast food joint Chris, not a law firm. 

Chris looks at the papers and realises that Rickie must’ve seen the Hoo King Fell logo imprinted on it.

Chris
Yeah, well if you must know they’re deeds. Mr. Hiroko’s wants to put old mugging’s here in charge. 

Rickie
What?!

Chris
I know, that’s what I said! He just wants me to run the place; he said I could do whatever I wanted with it, and...

Rickie
Well, you have to take it.

Chris
I don’t have any business expertise, I couldn’t run a bath. Well I could... I mean I can run a bath... you get my point.

Rickie
Well, if you’re looking for a guy with any business know-how...

There is a short pause. Chris shrugs his shoulders.

Rickie
ME! I’m a media maven, Chris. If anybody knows about business, you’re looking at him!

Chris 
You were in two adverts for some bathroom detergent where your face didn’t even make it on screen. You’re hardly Ant, let alone Dec.

Rickie
What about that thing I did with an ostrich on Animal Planet?

Chris
You mean artificial insemination? 

Rickie
Yeah, that’s a difficult procedure you know.

Chris
You stuck your hand up its arse.     

Rickie
And I lived to tell the tale.

Chris
What tale?! H-How did you even get that part?

Rickie
My mate Robbie, he presents ‘Ostrich Time?’ He gave me the gig, I owed him money, said that he’d clear my debts if I did... the deed.

Chris
...Right. Well anyway, I decided to pass the offer up...

Rickie
But...

Chris
...And give it to my cousin, she’s got a degree in Business Studies, we’re gonna run the place together.

Suddenly the sound of the bedroom door is heard unlocking, and the door is slowly opened. Nina steps out wearing a pair of baggy jeans and a white long-sleeved shirt. She walks towards the kitchen area opening a cupboard.

Chris
Yeah, here she is now. Nina, this is my mate Rickie, I don’t know if you’ve met.

Rickie sits up and brushes his hair back and smiles. Nina pulls a bowl out from the cupboard and turns around. As Rickie and Nina’s eyes meet, Rickie screams out in terror.

Chris
Hey, hold on man, what’s the problem?

Nina’s expression on her face turns to an infuriated one, she throws a the bowl she was holding at Rickie, but Rickie manages to duck next to the couch narrowly missing it.

Nina
That crazy... pig-headed... disgusting... perverted...

With each adjective Nina throws random kitchen utensils at Rickie, sending Rickie darting around the room.

Nina
...dirty... repulsive... sick son of a bitch is your ‘mate?!’

Chris races up towards Nina to prevent her from throwing anything else.

Chris
STOP! Damn it, what the hell’s going on here? Are you out of your mind?

Nina
Your ‘mate’ was the one who practically assaulted me this afternoon!

Chris
That was you?

Rickie
Hold on a second, pal... I didn’t touch her! Not like that anyway... I was just looking for somebody to quote me, so I could get my job back.

Nina
Whatever, freak show! You were all over me, foaming at the mouth, speaking gibberish... I saw your box of porno!

Chris
Oh God, you still have that?

Rickie
Yeah, there were antiques in there, man! I was hoping to sell it off as a collector’s item one day. So much for that...

Chris
What happened to it?

Rickie
The rain destroyed it; I managed to salvage a couple of issues.

Chris
Oh, what ones?

Rickie
Just a few from 1994... Oh, and a Carmen Electra poster as well.

Chris
Oh, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Rickie
Yeah, I guess not.

There is a long pause of silence.

Nina
Oh I’m sorry, are we filming an edition of ‘Late Night Porn Chat?!’

Chris
I know your upset, Nina...

Nina
Upset?! I come out here for a beer and a sandwich and find Sir Gropes-A-Lot lounging in the front room!

Rickie
Hey I touched, I did NOT grope.

Nina
Oh please!

Rickie
Lady, you don’t even know me. What are you anyway? One of those lesbian-feminist, types? Or are you just a gender-bender?

Nina
...Oh, you wanker! 

Nina turns around and picks up a large butchers knife and a cheese grater.

Nina
I think I’m ready to make my coin purse now!

Nina attempts to give chase after Rickie, but Chris steps in front of her. He removes the knife and the grater from her hands and places them back on the counter.

Chris
Hold on a second! I have no idea what you’re talking about, but there will be NO grating or coin-purse making under this roof! Just relax, alright?

Chris looks back at Rickie who is now cowering behind the sofa, and looks back at Nina.

Chris (whispering)
Look, I’ve known Rickie for years, sure he’s a little friendly when he’s around the women, but I know he’s not a...‘molester’.
It was probably just an unpleasant incident that got blown out of proportion.

Nina
But he...

Chris (whispering)
...The guy just needs to stay for a couple of days; he’s an old mate of mine. Okay, he’s a little bit odd...

Nina
Odd? ODD?! Chris, he’s drinking my perfume!

Camera cuts to Rickie sipping from a large bottle of perfume. After each sip he turns his face in disgust, but continues to down it.

Rickie
This stuff tastes familiar? Is it German?

Chris looks back at Nina.

Chris
Oh my God, is that expensive?

Nina
Nah, Grandma bought it for me a couple of Christmases ago, smells like crap... but apparently tastes good. Let him choke on it.

Chris
So...?

Nina
(sighs) Chris, it’s your flat, you can invite whoever the hell you want, but I think if we’re going to get to work on this...?

Nina takes the deeds from Chris’ hands.

Nina
...Than I think it would be considered ‘good business management’, if we removed him from the picture. I just don’t think he should know about this.

Nina hands the deeds back to Chris.

Chris
...Oh, okay.

Chris nervously scratches the back of his head.

Nina
You told him, didn’t you?

Chris
Yeah, a little bit. But he’s wasted, he’ll probably forget by tomorrow.

Nina
I can’t believe this! I didn’t travel all this way to start this stupid business with you, just so that ‘The Littlest Hobo’ over here can screw things up. 

Nina attempts to storm off, but Chris grabs her shoulder and stops her.

Nina
Damn it, Chris...

Chris
...Look at me, look at me... 

Nina relaxes and looks at Chris.

Chris
Look, this ‘stupid business’ is the best damn thing that could’ve ever happened to me... to us! I love this place and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some other chump have his way with it... turn it into a bloody nail bar, I can’t let that happen! Just stick with me okay? There’s nothing Rickie can do to stop this deal from going down...

Nina
Jesus, okay alright, don’t go off on one... just promise me one thing.

Chris
What’s that?

Nina
Just stop him from ingesting absolutely everything.

Chris looks across the room and sees Rickie standing next to the goldfish bowl holding one of his pet goldfish over his mouth.

Chris
MINDY!

Chris runs over and tries to remove ‘Mindy’ from Rickie’s hand.

Nina
Goodnight!

Nina smiles and walks off towards the bedroom, scene fades out with Rickie and Chris wrestling over the goldfish.

CUT TO:
Chris’ Flat (Early Morning)

Scene shows Chris wearing a suit nervously pacing around his flat. He picks up a black necktie and begins placing it under his collar. The camera pans across the room and shows Rickie collapsed face down on the couch wearing the same clothes he wore the night before.

Chris (whispering)
NINA! Are you ready? 

The door to one of the bedrooms slowly creaks open and Nina steps out of it, wearing a black suit and a long black skirt.

Nina
Yeah, I’m ready

Chris (whispering)
Keep your voice down...

Chris points towards Rickie who is now starting to make light snoring noises.

Chris (whispering)
If I know Rickie, he’s going to wake up in about...

Chris rolls up his sleeve and checks his watch.

Chris (whispering)
...An hour? Two hours max. Soon he’ll be hungry, hungry for bacon. 

Nina shakes her head in disbelief.

Nina
Okay, whatever. Anyway, you got everything?

Chris pulls out the deeds from his inside suit pocket and flashes them at Nina.

Chris
Yeah, I phoned Mr. Hiroko earlier; he said he’ll be at the Hoo King Fell all day today.
Nina and Chris walk towards the doorway.

Nina
Okay great, you got the bike keys?

Chris
What?

Nina
Bike keys? Don’t fret; I bought my own helmet so you won’t have to worry about my brains splattering across the high street.

Nina picks up a bike helmet from across the room and tosses it to Chris.

Chris
Oh, I think you must’ve misheard me, I don’t own a motorbike. I own a bicycle. Well I used to... it got chained to the back of a truck... than the truck kind of drove away...

Nina
Oh, great. Guess it’s the many wonders of London transportation for us than. You got a Travelcard? 

Chris
Yeah, of course, it’s right here in my pocket...

Chris checks his suit pocket and than trouser pocket.

Chris
Oh yeah, that’s right... it kind of got eaten... by a homeless man. It really is a long story.

Nina
Jesus Chris, what have I told you about letting unsystematic strangers take advantage of your belongings? You better bring your wallet than... or has that been eaten also?

Chris
Oh don’t be silly, you can’t eat a wallet! It’s made of leather, stupid!

Chris waves his wallet in front of Nina

Nina
Oh, of course... how inane of an idea that would be.
 
Chris and Nina leave the apartment and close the door behind them. The camera focuses back on Rickie who is still slumped on the couch in the same position.

CUT TO:
LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE CARRIAGE

There is quite a few people crowded in the tube carriage, but Nina and Rickie have managed to secure a seat for themselves. Chris is playing with a yo-yo.

Chris
I love these things; it’s amazing how such a simple mechanism can provide hours upon hours of entertainment. I mean it’s just a bit of string really, but there’s so much more to it. Have you got one of these?

Nina
No, and I’m hoping that if you stop talking to me, people won’t think we’re related.

Chris
Oh... isn’t that nice.

Chris reluctantly puts the yo-yo back in his pocket.

Nina
You ringed him yet?

Chris
Who?

Nina
...John Logie Baird.

Chris
John who?

Nina rolls her eyes.

Nina
Hiroko, have you rung Hiroko yet?

Chris
Oh, no not yet, I’ll do it now. Did you want me to ring... John Bogey What’s-His-Face first?

Chris reaches into his suit pocket for his phone.

Nina
...John Logie Baird. He invented the television.

Chris
Oh right, why’d do you want to ring him?

Nina
I don’t, it’s called sarcasm, Chris.

Chris
Oh, I get you... do you want to ring him later?

Nina puts her hands on her face and sighs.

Chris
...Uh-Oh.

Nina
...Uh-Oh? Uh-Oh, what Uh-Oh?

Chris
Uh-Oh, I left my phone at the flat Uh-Oh.

Nina
Oh, don’t worry, shouldn’t be too much of a problem. He knows your coming right?

Chris
Yeah, I just hope to God he doesn’t ring me.

CUT TO:
Chris’ Flat

Scene shows Rickie in the same position, asleep on the couch, until a loud ringtone resembling the ‘Grange Hill’ theme tune rings out. Rickie squirms around and eventually springs up to the sitting position in a confused manner.

Rickie
BACON!

Rickie looks towards the noise of the ringing phone and slowly but surely makes his way towards it, holding his head in the process. He picks up the phone and beats it against the side of the cupboard.

Rickie
Stop making noises... you noisy... bastard.

He looks down on the phone and sees the words, ‘Mr. Hiroko’ flashing on the screen.

Rickie
...Hiroko, eh?

Rickie presses a few buttons on the phone before finally hitting the ‘answer’ key.

Rickie
Hello?

Mr. Hiroko
Hey... is that Chris?

Rickie
Umm... no, he’s gone out... I think. Can I help?

Mr. Hiroko
Oh, I assume he’s probably making his way towards the Hoo King Fell now, never mind...

Rickie
Why? What’s wrong? Is everything alright?

Mr. Hiroko
Well I’m parked outside his flat; I was going to going to give him a lift.

Rickie
Oh really? 

Rickie looks around each window of the flat trying to find out where Mr. Hiroko had parked. He glances through one window and notices a black Jaguar convertible in the parking area, with the car still in ignition.

Rickie
Are you the black Jag?

Mr. Hiroko
That’s right.

Mr. Hiroko looks up towards the windows in the flat and spots Rickie leering out of one of them. Rickie waves at him and Mr. Hiroko waves back.

Mr. Hiroko
Hey you look familiar, do I know you from somewhere?

Rickie gasps and opens the window so that Mr. Hiroko can see him clearer.

Rickie
My names Rickie Greaves, I got a gig down at the old bingo hall, well kind of...

Mr. Hiroko
Yeah, that’s right; man you’ve got real stage presence, I’ve seen you a couple of times. But haven’t you been on something else? I’m talking television. Animal Planet, maybe?

Rickie
Oh my God, you watched Ostrich Time?

Mr. Hiroko
Yeah that’s right, the Ostrich show! Of course, you did the artificial insemination thing!

Rickie
Yeah, look I know it’s not great, okay? If you’re just gonna sit there in your big, flash car and ridicule me...

Mr. Hiroko
Hey, forgive my tone, but I actually think what you did was pretty commendable.

Rickie
Eh?

Mr. Hiroko
It was good! Very good! You helped prevent the extinction of a very extraordinary animal. You like animals, Rickie?

Rickie
Oh, I love animals... with their fur... and stuff. Well not all of them have fur, do they? Some just have... skin. They’re cool as well.

Mr. Hiroko
They sure are! Hey, I was thinking, I have a little... stage area in the Hoo King Fell. I open it late night on weekends?

Rickie
Uh-Huh...

Mr. Hiroko
It’s a place where customers can chill out, relax, indulge in a little fine music, tuck in to some fine Chinese cuisine, you know the drill. 

Rickie
I certainly do...

Mr. Hiroko
Right, well I don’t know if you know, but I’m considering leaving the place to your friend Chris, but I’d love for you to be involved somehow. You’ve got that X-Factor; you know what I’m saying? You got that something special. So, what do you say you hop in the car, maybe we can talk business?

Mr. Hiroko looks up in the window, but Rickie is no longer there.

Mr. Hiroko
Mr. Greaves? Are you still there?

Mr. Hiroko turns around in his car and sees Rickie slouched in the back, clearly out of breath. Mr. Hiroko takes the phone from his ear and puts it on the dashboard. 

Mr. Hiroko
What...? How did you...? 

Rickie
Don’t... ask questions... just... drive.

Mr. Hiroko smiles, shakes his head, and begins driving off.

CUT TO:
Ext. Hoo King Fell

Chris and Nina are both standing outside the Hoo King Fell, cupping their hands around their eyes and are peering through the windows.

Chris
I don’t get it, he said he’d be here, I don’t see him.

Nina
This Mr. Hiroko guy, he’s a real person right?

Chris
YES! W-what, do you think I’m crazy or something?

Nina
No, but I just remember you had that imaginary friend, the legendary ‘Mr. Chubbington’.

Chris
Hey, Mr. Chubbington was the best friend I ever had!

Nina
That’s reassuring. 

Suddenly the black Jaguar from earlier is seen pulling up behind them. Chris and Nina see the reflection in the window and turn around.

Chris
Oh, I think that’s him.

Nina
Who’s that guy with him?

Chris
I don’t know, probably a business associate or something. 

Mr. Hiroko parks the car on the opposite side of the road and steps out, whereas Rickie jumps up over the door and greets Chris & Nina with a wave.

Chris
Oh, sweet Jesus on Oprah.

Rickie
Hey, Chris! Guess who got a job?!

Mr. Hiroko locks his car and walks across the road towards Chris & Nina, with Rickie following behind.

Mr. Hiroko
Salutations Chris, how’s everything?

Chris
Not...bad, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you meet Rickie?

Mr. Hiroko
Oh, that’s a long story, I’ll get to that in a minute, but who’s this lovely lady you’ve brought with you?

Chris
Oh, this is my cousin Nina, the one I told you about on the phone? She’s going to be helping me out in running the place, as long as the deal’s still on the table?

Mr. Hiroko
Yeah, of course it is! So this is your cousin Nina, eh? At first I thought she’d be your girlfriend, than I realised that would be ridiculous.

Mr. Hiroko, Nina, Chris & Rickie start laughing together.

Chris
...Wait a minute, what?

Mr. Hiroko
Never mind. Nina, it’s a pleasure to meet you, great to have you on board.

Nina
Thanks, I can’t wait to get started here.

Mr. Hiroko
Oh, you’re going to love it, the atmosphere in Chinatown is tremendous, the food is great, the culture is simply fascinating and...

Chris
I’m sorry to interrupt Mr. Hiroko, but can we discuss...

Chris points a finger at Rickie.

Rickie
Yeah, go on, discuss me!

Mr. Hiroko
Well I met your friend Rickie at your place; I was actually intending to give you a lift up here. So I actually got round to talking to him, and...

Rickie
He knows who I am, Chris! Not just from Bingo, but from ‘Ostrich Time!’

Mr. Hiroko
...Exactly, and from your friend’s excessively happy tone you can probably guess that I’ve decided to...

Rickie
...Give me a job! Not just any job, though! Tell him, Mr. Hiroko...

Mr. Hiroko
I’ve decided to...

Rickie
...Put me in charge of the weekend club! We’re gonna be workmates, Chris! Together again for the very first time, Greaves and... Whatever your last name is, I forget.

Chris
It’s Milgram... You know this!

Rickie walks closer to Chris and gives him a hug, Chris does not reciprocate it.

Chris
Oh God, you smell like yesterday...

Chris gently pushes Rickie away from him.

Nina
Hold on a second, Mr. Hiroko... do you have a first name, by the way?

Mr. Hiroko
It’s Ned.

Nina
Okay Ned ...Ned? Really? You just don’t...

Mr. Hiroko frowns slightly.

Nina
Ned it is... Okay, with all due respect, are you serious about putting him in charge of that department, let alone a department?

Mr. Hiroko
I’ve never been surer about anything in my life, from what young Rickie says, he’s plenty experienced in the business world. Plus he says he’s got a whole ton of ‘celebrity connections’. Thought it would be great to get some personalities from stage and screen to show up, that ought to bring the punters in!

Chris
He said what...?!

Rickie
Yeah, it’s all true, isn’t that right Chris?

Chris
But you don’t even...!

Rickie
I mean, helping promote this place will sure give me a lot of work to do, right Chris?

Chris
But this is all...

Rickie
And all that work will definitely keep me out of the FLAT; I’ll be able to give you some kind of space, get out of your hair... RIGHT... Chris?

Chris
Yeah, but...

Rickie (mouthing)
Please...

Rickie puts his hands in the prayer position.

Chris
(Sighs) Yeah... all of what he’s saying is true, he’s a real... media maven.

Mr. Hiroko
Tremendous, I can see this boy has what it takes!

Mr. Hiroko puts his arm around Rickie shoulder and shakes him gently.

Nina
But Chris, you...!

Chris (whispering)
He needs this, and like he said it’d give him something to do, money to earn... he wouldn’t have to sponge off us.

Nina
Sponge off us? Sponge off you, more like.

Chris
Yeah...okay, but he’s my friend; I can’t just leave him in the dark. Besides, he’d probably squirm his way into the business sooner or later, the guy’s like a bloody cobra sometimes, he’s relentless.

Nina
Okay... fine. Just keep him the hell away from me.

Mr. Hiroko
Everything okay, Chris?

Chris
Yeah... Mr. Hiroko, everything’s... just peachy.

Mr. Hiroko
Tremendous, what do you guys say we get to work on these papers and maybe celebrate over a can of champagne?

Mr. Hiroko pulls out a six-pack of cans from the back of his car, and flashes it around.

Chris
Cans of champagne?

Mr. Hiroko
Yeah, my brother was practically giving them away down at the market. I took a couple off of him, waste not want not, right?

Rickie
Exactly!

Rickie snaps off a can and cracks it open. He winks at Chris, and begins to make his way towards the front entrance. 

Rickie
Hey Hiroko, your leaving this place in good hands, I’ve got about a million ideas for this place. What about a name change? A bigger dance floor, maybe? ...Ooh, we can have strippers poles decked out all over!

Mr. Hiroko laughs.

Mr. Hiroko
I like this kid’s thinking! What do you reckon, Chris? Isn’t he a genius or what?

Chris
Yeah, he’s a bloody... bloody genius.

Mr. Hiroko unlocks the door, and one by one they all head inside, apart from Chris and Nina.

Chris
...Oh, man.

Chris softly beats the back of his head against a wall.

Nina
You coming inside?

Chris
Yeah, in a sec, I just need some air I think.

Chris takes an asthma pump out of his trouser pocket and puts it to his mouth. Nina pats Chris’ shoulder and heads inside.

Chris spots Old Joe walking up the high street pushing a large shopping trolley full of plastic bags. Chris puts his asthma pump back in his pocket, as Old Joe stops outside the window and peers inside.

Old Joe
Who’s the long-haired wanker?

Chris chuckles to himself.

Chris
Well that’ll be Rickie. Rickie Greaves, Joe. He works here now.

Old Joe
...Rickie?

Old Joe spits at the window and wipes it with his elbow. 

Old Joe
Don’t like him, no Sir... MAN’S A TIT!

Chris laughs again.

Chris
Go easy on him, Joe.

Old Joe reaches into his trolley and pulls out a plastic bag full of whistles. He places the bag into Chris’ hands and pats him on the shoulder.

Old Joe
Look after yourself.

Chris
Thanks, you too.

Old Joe than continues to push his trolley down the street. Chris looks down at the bag of whistles in his hand and a smile slowly creeps on his face. He sighs and slowly heads into the Hoo King Fell joining the rest of them.

The scene changes, showing a man looking at the Hoo King Fell from behind the window of a different restaurant. There are two men talking to each other in Chinese, subtitles are used.

Lee
Boss, it appears that the Hoo King Fell is back in business, with brand new... employees.

Johnny Juwano
Oh, really?

The man pulls the curtain and notices the lights are on in the Hoo King Fell.

Lee
Do you think they’ll be able to give us any form of competition?

Johnny Juwano
...Competition?

Johnny Juwano laughs loudly to himself, Lee giggles quietly alongside him, but Johnny Juwano stops laughing almost as quickly as he started.

Johnny Juwano
Don’t make me laugh Lee, for I am Johnny Juwano, they may try to lay down some form of a challenge, but soon they will realise that nobody fucks with ‘The Grand Dragon’.

Johnny Juwano laughs again, but this time it is a much more menacing laugh.

CUT TO BLACK

Johnny Juwano
Now make me a sandwich.

END