COOL CLYDE

by
Sam Jensen

FIRST DRAFT
2 / 23 / 2009

FADE IN:

ON THE STREETS OF JOLIET/PLAINFIELD
SONG, “Cool Jerk” by The Capitols plays as an ambulance speeds through traffic, with sirens, back view of the ambulance, with no shot of the driver.

EXT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL
The ambulance comes to an urgent stop at the school. A large crowd soon gathers, all confused and worried. The driver side door opens slowly as the SONG fades. Out steps COOL CLYDE. The crowd cheers triumphantly. 

COOL CLYDE
Trans Am’s in the shop.

CLYDE goes to the back of the ambulance, he opens the doors, gets in, and rides his motorcycle out. 

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL
CLYDE drives through the hallways, people cheer him on and welcome him back.
CLYDE stops at the locker of BARB WINKLE.

BARB WINKLE
Cool Clyde, well I’ll be, you’re back! What we’re you doin’ for two months?

CLYDE
Sorting some things out.

BARB
Oh, Clyde.

CLYDE drives on, he parks at MRS. JOHNSON’S classroom.
He sets his helmet down and walks in, receiving an applause from the class.

CLYDE
Hey class, hey Miss Hogan.

MRS. JOHNSON
It’s Mrs. Johnson now.

CLYDE
No way, when’d you get married?

MRS. JOHNSON
Twenty-eight years ago.

CLYDE
Good for you.

CLYDE goes to the back of the room, and removes a cardboard cut-out of himself from his desk, which he sits in. MARCUS HULL leans next to CLYDE.

MARCUS HULL
Hey Clyde, welcome back, man.

CLYDE
Thanks, Marcus, did I miss anything?

MARCUS
Mandy Watkins got an abortion, Joe Parr got expelled for pushing Alex Stevenson down a flight of stairs, and Jimmie King got killed by a drunk driver.

CLYDE
Who was the drunk driver?

MARCUS
He was.

CLYDE
That’s a shame, he was a good kid.

MARCUS
Yeah.

The bell rings, everyone leaves except CLYDE.
CLYDE walks over to MRS. JOHNSON.

CLYDE
Mrs. Johnson, what work do I need to make up?

MRS. JOHNSON
Are you Crazy Clyde, or Cool Clyde? You don’t need to make up work! You’re Cool Clyde! Voted most likely to do everything possible by man and more!

CLYDE
Just wanted to make sure, see you tomorrow.

CLYDE gets back on his motorcycle and drives it into the principal, MR. WASHINGTON’S office.

MR. WASHINGTON
Hey Clyde, my man, give me some skin!

CLYDE pushes his bike aside.
CLYDE and MR. WASHINGTON high five.

MR. WASHINGTON
What brings you back, C.C.?

CLYDE
I missed everyone. You guys are the only family I got. Besides my dad, sister, and the multiple girlfriends I have.

MR. WASHINGTON
That brings a tear to my eye, Clyde. Thank you. So, what are you going to do now that you’re back? Light the library on fire again? Stuff the lockers with fish? Oh man, don’t tell me you’re planning on shrinking the football uniforms again? That was so funny! Oh man, Coach Jackson was pissed!

CLYDE
No, no, I’m past that. I’m going to really try and get an education this time around. (cracks up) Oh god, I could not say that with a straight face, I’m sorry.

MR. WASHINGTON
That’s the Clyde I know!

CLYDE
Nice catching up, sir, I got to get to English class.

MR. WASHINGTON
With Miss Banks?

CLYDE
Yeah.

CLYDE hops on his bike.

MR. WASHINGTON
God she’s a hot one, isn’t she?

CLYDE
On fire.

CLYDE leaves.
INT. MISS BANKS’ ROOM
MISS BANKS lectures the class, except CLYDE.

MISS BANKS
The apostrophe. The most commonly misused punctuation. When is it appropriate to use an apostrophe? When is it not? Well I’ll tell you. Nick’s drug store. Apostrophe? Yes. Where? After the S? No. Before the S, because it represents ownership, very good, class. What if it had said, Nick Jones’ Drug store? Then where would the apostrophe go?

CLYDE crashes his motorcycle through the window into the classroom. 

CLYDE
I believe the answer you’re looking for, Miss Banks, is after Jones, because there’s already an S present.

MISS BANKS
Clyde, you’re back!

CLASS
Cool Clyde!

CLYDE
Hey Miss Banks, hey class. I can’t stay for long, I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m here.

MANDY WATKINS
Clyde, where’d you go?

CLYDE
I can’t tell you, Mandy. I made a pact.

MANDY
That’s so cool.

CLYDE
I know.

MISS BANKS
Tell us more, Clyde!

CLYDE
I wish I could but I have to go loiter in front of the 7-11 now. You can fax me tonight’s homework, Lucy. Oops, I mean Miss Banks, sorry.

HOULIHAN
Go Cool Clyde!

CLYDE
Thanks, Houlihan! I will go!
SONG, “The Boys Are Back In Town” plays as CLYDE rides his motorcycle out of the classroom and into the hallway, as he rides, he is smoking a cigarette. CLYDE rides out of the school and parks crudely in front of 7-11. He gets off his motorcycle, throws his helmet at a KID.

KID
Thanks!

CLYDE signals the KID to give him the helmet. The KID hands CLYDE the helmet, and CLYDE signs it with a marker and hands it back to the KID.

KID
Hey, thanks!

KID runs off, CLYDE finishes his beer and throws the can into a garbage can. CLYDE pops his collar, as two women enter 7-11, he nods at them. CLYDE acts casual for a moment.
CLYDE looks across the street and sees a hunger strike in front of a building. He goes inside the 7-11 and comes out with a bunch of food. He then walks to the hunger strike, sits facing the strikers and eats as SONG, “Who Do You Love?” by George Thorogood & The Destroyers plays. After he is finished, he stands up and looks at them.

CLYDE
What?

CLYDE goes back to his 7-11 post, and nods at another girl that walks inside the store. OFFICER GRAYSDALE approaches CLYDE. CLYDE flicks his cigarette at the ground and stomps on it.

CLYDE
What? What did I do?

OFFICER GRAYSDALE
You’re loitering. You’re underage and smoking, you’re ditching school, and you reek of alcohol.

CLYDE
So what? I’m Cool Clyde.

OFFICER GRAYSDALE
Excuse me?

CLYDE
I’m Cool Clyde. I can do what I want, when I want, to whomever I want.

OFFICER GRAYSDALE
Oh, is that how it works in your world? I hate to break it to you but around here, that’s illegal. I’m going to have to take you in.

CLYDE
Take me in?

OFFICER GRAYSDALE
Yeah, Cool Clyde, I’m taking you to the Will County Sheriff’s office. You’re going to be held in a cell until you can make bail.

CLYDE
Can I keep my sunglasses?

OFFICER GRAYSDALE
No.

“Commotion” by Creedence Clearwater Revival plays.
OFFICER GRAYSDALE takes CLYDE’S sunglasses off and steps on them. CLYDE tackles OFFICER GRAYSDALE to the ground, they fight, OFFICER GRAYSDALE manages to hand-cuff CLYDE.

INT. WILL COUNTY SHERIFF’S OFFICE
CLYDE is in a cell, playing harmonica.
OFFICER PARKER opens the cell.

OFFICER PARKER
Cool Clyde, I want to apologize for Officer Graysdale, he’s new. He doesn’t know the town locals yet.

CLYDE
It’s okay. No harm done. Except for my sunglasses.

OFFICER PARKER throws CLYDE a pair of sunglasses.
CLYDE puts the sunglasses on.

CLYDE
Thanks, Officer Parker. You always had my back.

OFFICER PARKER
And I always will. I’m like a father to you.

CLYDE
No you’re not. But thanks for letting me out of jail.

CLYDE walks out.

OFFICER PARKER
No problem, Clyde!

EXT. WILL COUNTY SHERIFF’S OFFICE
CLYDE stands in front of the sheriff’s office. He looks around and then looks back at the building. OFFICER PARKER, from inside, tosses CLYDE keys.

CLYDE
Appreciate it!

ON THE STREETS OF JOLIET/CREST HILL/ROMEOVILLE
CLYDE drives around in a will county police car.

INT. POLICE CAR
CLYDE drives as he listens to the police scanner.

VOICE ON SCANNER
Attention all units, we’ve got a possible 10-15 at the sunshine food mart.

CLYDE picks up the CB.

CLYDE
I’m on it, 10-4.

INT. SUNSHINE FOOD MART
“Commotion” plays as CLYDE crashes the police car through sunshine food mart, hitting a man in a black ski mask. CLYDE gets out and slides across the hood. THE CASHIER is in shock.

CLYDE
No need to thank me, I’m just doing my job. I’d pay for the damages, but I don’t want to.

CLYDE picks up a broken clock from the wreckage.
He looks at it for a minute.
CLYDE throws the clock at THE CASHIER.
CLYDE exits.

EXT. SUNSHINE FOOD MART
CLYDE’S motorcycle, with no driver, parks itself next to CLYDE. CLYDE jumps on it, waving to THE CASHIER as he leaves.

EXT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
CLYDE parks his motorcycle in the driveway, next to a 2008 Kia Sorrento, dark blue, license plate, “CLY DAD“.

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
WALTER sits on the couch pouring himself a glass of scotch on the rocks. He goes to take a sip when CLYDE enters.
WALTER shoots up from his seat.

WALTER
Clyde? Clyde? Son? It’s, it’s me, your father, son!

CLYDE runs upstairs.

CLYDE
Cool it, Walter!

WALTER
I’m your father!

WALTER sits back down and drinks his scotch.

INT. CLYDE’S ROOM
MICHELLE ST. AUGUSTINE lays on CLYDE’S bed.
CLYDE enters and stands over MICHELLE.

CLYDE
What are you doing here?

MICHELLE ST. AUGUSTINE
What do you want me to do here?

CLYDE
Michelle, I’ve been gone two months.

MICHELLE
I’ve been waiting a long time.

CLYDE
Michelle, are you not familiar with my girlfriend rotation?

MICHELLE
Yeah, but - 

CLYDE
Are you, or are you not, familiar with my girlfriend rotation?

MICHELLE
Yes, I am.

MICHELLE sits up.

CLYDE
You were the week before I left. Then I had a girlfriend a week when I was away.

MICHELLE
You left on a Thursday!

CLYDE
So that day, Friday, and Saturday we were still a couple. Although I didn’t see you, I still thought about you, as you did me. Sunday I started dating someone else, and so forth.

MICHELLE
Who’s this week?

CLYDE
I’m taking a week off, to re-adjust.

MICHELLE
Maybe next Sunday, we could - 

CLYDE
Michelle, I’m a busy guy. I’m not going to promise you anything.

MICHELLE
Well, I’ll see you around I guess. Bye Clyde.

MICHELLE walks to the door.

CLYDE
Wait, Michelle!

MICHELLE
Yeah?

CLYDE
Do you by any chance have Barb Winkle’s number? I think I lit it on fire by mistake.

MICHELLE
Bye Clyde.

MICHELLE leaves.
CLYDE turns on his stereo, “Rock & Roll High School” by The Ramones plays. CLYDE sings along, dances, and jumps on his bed. CLYDE’S phone rings. CLYDE turns off his stereo and answers it.

CLYDE
Hello? Hey Jet. Yeah, I’m back. Didn’t feel like going to fifth period. Sorry, I didn’t feel like going. Yeah, I’m free tonight. No, I don’t need to ask my dad, he’s an idiot. See you at eight.

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
CLYDE comes down the stairs.
WALTER sits on the couch, eating a TV dinner.

WALTER
Where are you going, Clyde?

CLYDE
Jet’s.

WALTER
Can I come?

CLYDE
No.

WALTER
Why?

CLYDE
I’ll let you figure that one out on your own.

EXT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
CLYDE hops on his motorcycle and leaves.

EXT. BARB WINKLE’S HOUSE
CLYDE parks in front of BARB’S house.
CLYDE runs around back. CLYDE picks up a rock and throws it at BARB’S window. 

CLYDE
Barb! Barbie! Barb!

INT. BARB WINKLE’S ROOM
BARB walks to the window and opens it.
She leans her head out and looks around, then sees CLYDE.

BARB
Hey Clyde! You know you coulda rang the bell out front!

CLYDE
I don’t push things anymore!

BARB
I’ll be out in nothing’ but a minute, okay?

CLYDE
Okay!

EXT. BARB WINLKLE’S HOUSE
BARB meets CLYDE in the back of her house.
They hug.

BARB
I’m glad you stopped by!

CLYDE
I’m indifferent.

BARB
What brings you by?

CLYDE
I’m going to Jet’s house, want to come?

BARB
It’s a school night, you ain’t goin’ to a party, are you?

CLYDE
No. I don’t go to parties. I’m invited to so many I don’t like people to think I chose one party over another, so I don’t go to any of them. Jet just invited me over to hang out.

BARB
That sure sounds like fun. Let me get ready.

CLYDE
Sure.

BARB goes inside, then comes back out quickly, this time she has her shirt knotted up, revealing her midsection.

BARB
Let’s go!

ON THE STREETS OF PLAINFIELD
SONG, “Girls Got Rhythm” by AC/DC plays.
CLYDE rides his motorcycle, with BARB on his back.
CLYDE waves to PEDESTRIANS as he passes by.

PEDESTRIANS
Yeah! / Cool Clyde! / Alright!

EXT. JET’S HOUSE
CLYDE parks in JET’S driveway, escorting BARB off and to the front door. CLYDE reaches for the doorbell then backs off.

CLYDE
I tried.

BARB rings the doorbell.

CLYDE
Thank you.

JET RASMUSSEN answers the door.

JET RASMUSSEN
What’s up broski? I didn’t know you were bringing company.

BARB
Hey Jet! Nice to see you too!

JET
Come in.

INT. JET’S HOUSE
JET, CLYDE, and BARB walk through the main hallway and to the basement. They all take a seat on the couch.

JET
So, how’s everybody?

BARB
Fine.

CLYDE
Cool.

JET
You know, I really don’t have any three player games to play.

BARB
It’s alright, I can watch.

JET
Sorry, maybe if I knew you were coming I could think of something to do.

BARB
Really, it’s okay.
CLYDE
What about motorcycle skiing?

JET
Clyde, are you sure?

CLYDE
It takes three people.

JET
I don’t know, it’s still unsafe. I was thinking something more along the lines of tag, or freeze tag, or laser tag, or hide n’ seek, or hide n’ seek tag.

BARB
What’s motorcycle skiin’?

CLYDE
It’s fun. That’s what it is.

BARB
I like the sound of that.

JET
Clyde, I just don’t know if I’m ready for this.

CLYDE
Come on Jet! We’ve been planning this for three and a half years, it’s near perfect! Nothing can go wrong!

JET
If you say so.

EXT. JET’S HOUSE
A 1968 Rust-Brown Mustang is parked on the street adjacent to JET’S driveway. A rope is tied to the back bumper of the Mustang. JET sits in the driver’s seat.
CLYDE is on his motorcycle, BARB stands next to him.

BARB
How exactly does this work?

CLYDE
Well it’s very simple, Jet drives as fast as he can with you holding on to this rope. Then he slams on his brakes and you have to let go.

BARB
Then what?

CLYDE
Then we measure how far the motorcycle flew.

BARB
What do you need me for?

CLYDE gets off the motorcycle.

CLYDE
I’d let you use my helmet but I gave it away.

BARB
I’m gonna be on your motorcycle?

CLYDE
Yep.

JET
Clyde, we ready?

CLYDE
Just about.

BARB
Am I goin’ to get hurt?

CLYDE
I don’t know, I can’t predict the future, Barb. Hop on.

CLYDE pats the seat of his motorcycle.
BARB sits on it and grips the handlebars.

CLYDE
Good luck.

CLYDE opens the passenger door of the Mustang and takes out a video camera. He shuts the door and gives JET a thumbs up.

CLYDE backs up and starts recording.
SONG, “Free Ride” by Edgar Winter plays as JET takes off, with the speedometer showing speeds of 10 increasing to 60. BARB holds on tight. Speeds increase from 60 to 100.
JET slams on the breaks. BARB hits the bumper and bounces off about 50 yards in front of the Mustang. CLYDE runs up alongside the Mustang.

CLYDE
What’s that like 50, 60 yards?

JET
Yeah, she’s down there.

CLYDE
Let’s go check on her.

JET gets out and follows CLYDE to BARB, who lays next to the motorcycle, non-responsive. CLYDE taps on her shoulder then shakes her.
CLYDE
Barb? Barb? Barb, you with us?

JET
She’s dead, man.

CLYDE
She’s not dead! This game was flawless!

JET
It wasn’t even a game! How do you win?

CLYDE
We would take turns. To see how far each of us got.

JET
We can’t continue now! She’s dead, man!

CLYDE
She’s not dead! She’s just sleeping.

JET
Yeah, I know after pummeling to the ground after a stupid stunt with rocks and street tar in my mouth and hair, I’m gonna take a long nap. This never would have happened if you didn’t bring her over!

CLYDE
I wanted to start something with her!

JET
Another week relationship? That’s rich!

CLYDE
My relationships are very strong, Jet! How dare you!

JET
Not weak, week, like seven days!
CLYDE
Those are very refreshing! I can’t believe you’re questioning my methods of survival! Speaking of which, I’m pretty sure Barb’s dead.

JET
I told you!

CLYDE
What do we do?

JET
Make it look like an accident.

CLYDE
Or, and hear me out on this, we take turns doing things to her.

JET
Gross, she’s dead!

CLYDE
No, not that, like, well, I’ll show you.

BARB is shown with gang signs spray painted on her, etc.

CLYDE
The police will think it’s a gang related death.

JET
Good thinking. Want to sleep over?

CLYDE
Sure.

CLYDE and JET walk away from the scene of the crime. 
INT. JET’S HOUSE - JET’S ROOM
JET lays in the bottom bunk, CLYDE lays in the top bunk.

CLYDE
So, what’d you guys do fifth period?

JET
Test.

CLYDE
On what?

JET
Electron configurations.

Silence for a while.

CLYDE
This conversation going anywhere?

JET
I don’t think so.

CLYDE
Good night, Jet.

JET
Good night, Clyde.

INT. JET’S KITCHEN - MORNING
JET and CLYDE take a seat at the table.
JULIE walks in.
JULIE
Good morning boys, want some breakfast?

CLYDE / JET
Yes please!

JULIE
Eggs okay?

CLYDE / JET
Heck yeah!

JULIE makes breakfast as she talks.

JULIE
You boys hear about that dead body found last night?

JET
Dead body?

JULIE
Yeah, just left of your motorcycle, Clyde. And about 50 yards in front of your car, Jet. They found a video camera too. On it was footage of a gentleman, who apparently stole your car, Jet, and tied this poor girl to the back of the bumper, on your motorcycle, Clyde. It’s the darnedest thing. Right in our backyard, this happened. I can’t believe it. 

CLYDE
We’ll get ‘em Mrs. R.

JULIE
You know you can call me Julie, Clyde.

CLYDE
I can call you Julie Clyde?

JULIE
Oh, this one. Sometimes I wish you were my son. Or lover. Breakfast is ready.

JULIE serves JET and CLYDE, and then herself.
JULIE sits at the table.
They all begin eating.

JULIE
So how’s school, Clyde?

CLYDE
It’s good to be back, Julie.

JULIE
Good, now you boys hurry up eating or you’ll be late.

EXT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL
CLYDE and JET walk to school.
CASSIE SHRIPPA joins them.

CASSIE SCHRIPPA
Hey Clyde, hey Jet.

CLYDE / JET
Hey Cassie.

CASSIE
Where’s your bike, Clyde?

CLYDE
It’s evidence.

CASSIE
Cool.

CLYDE
Sounds about right.

CASSIE
What are you doing later?

CLYDE
Chillin’.
CASSIE
Awesome. Can I join you?

CLYDE
I guess.

CASSIE
Sweet! See you later?

CLYDE
If you want.

CASSIE leaves.
INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL
CLYDE walks through the hallways, popping his collar and making girls faint. CLYDE stops at MRS. JOHNSON’S room and enters.

INT. MRS. JOHNSON’S ROOM
CLYDE sits at his desk.
MARCUS leans next to him.

MARCUS
Hey Clyde.

CLYDE
What have you got for me today, Marcus?

MARCUS
Barb Winkle died in a gang related crime.

CLYDE
I know. I was there.

MARCUS
You’re in a gang?

CLYDE
Several, but that has nothing to do with it.

MRS. JOHNSON
Okay, today, we will be talking about something that, you know what, screw it. I don’t feel like teaching today. I’m going to go to the teacher’s lounge and light one up. Clyde, teach class for me, will you?

CLYDE
You got it, Mrs. J.

CLYDE walks to the front of the room.
MRS. JOHNSON leaves.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL
MRS. JOHNSON walks down the hallway
She is stopped by MR. WASHINGTON.

MR. WASHINGTON
Hey, Mrs. Johnson. Don’t you have a class this period?

MRS. JOHNSON
Cool Clyde’s taking over for a while.

MR. WASHINGTON
Oh, that Clyde sure is a card, isn’t he?

MRS. JOHNSON
Yes, yes, he is.

MR. WASHINGTON
So was his brother, Awesome Andy.

MRS. JOHNSON
Don’t forget about his sister, Rock Star Rachel.

MR. WASHINGTON
Of course, she’s in college now, right?

MRS. JOHNSON
I believe so.

MR. WASHINGTON
I aught to give her a call sometime. I figure that restraining order’s been dropped by now.

MRS. JOHNSON
I wouldn’t know, sir.

MR. WASHINGTON
Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to strangle you with my personal life, Mrs. Johnson, I’ll let you be on your way.

MRS. JOHNSON
Thank you, Mr. Washington.

MR. WASHINGTON
Take care.

INT. MRS. JOHNSON’S ROOM
CLYDE stands in front of the room lecturing.

CLYDE
And that’s how I got my first car. Hard work and determination.

The class sits astonished and mesmerized.
Then they clap and give standing ovations.
The bell rings. Everybody leaves giving CLYDE comments as they walk out of the room.

MRS. JOHNSON enters.

MRS. JOHNSON
I trust you kept the class entertained?

CLYDE
I told them how I got my first car.

MRS. JOHNSON
Hard work and determination?

CLYDE
Of course, Mrs. Johnson.
MRS. JOHNSON
Oh, Clyde, if I was thirty years younger.

CLYDE
You’d still be old enough to be my grandma.

CLYDE leaves.

INT. LUNCH ROOM
CLYDE sits with JET, BANGER, and JEAN PAUL.

JEAN PAUL
I’m dead serious, with my intellect, your good looks and your popularity, we could make a great team for president.

CLYDE
I don’t know, Jean Paul, that’s a little far in the future, to be honest. You know Cool Clyde, I live life day by day, I never know what I’m going to do next. Right now I want a cheeseburger, tomorrow I might want a raincoat.

BANGER
Nice.

CLYDE
Just the way I am, boys. Now who wants to be a dear and get me a cherry coke?

JET
I will, Clyde.

JET puts his hand out for money.

CLYDE
Are you serious?

JET slowly takes his hand back.

JET
I’m sorry. I forgot.

CLYDE
Don’t apologize, get me my soda.

JET
It’s just, it’s been so long.

CLYDE
All this time could have been spent getting me my soda.

JET leaves.

BANGER
Can you believe that guy?

JEAN PAUL
Thinks you’re going to pay.

CLYDE
At least he offered, we got John Bonham over here eating his corn, acting all oh, look at me, I play drums.

BANGER
I’m sorry, Clyde.

CLYDE
Yeah, you better be. What’s the deal with this lunch room? I’ve been gone two months, and it looks just awful.

JEAN PAUL
Mr. Washington is trying to enforce students to eat with other people, mix it up, you know?

CLYDE
Well I don’t know who that is, but it’s a horrible idea. Everything’s just so blended and together. I have to do something about it. I have to.
CLYDE stands on the lunch table.

CLYDE
Hey, everybody! Listen up! I want blacks on the right side, whites on the left, and everyone else go outside!

The lunch room obeys. 
CLYDE sits back down.
JET comes back and hands CLYDE his soda.

JET
It feels better in here.

CLYDE
Thank you!

CLYDE chugs his soda and throws the empty can at the black section of the lunch room.

CLYDE
I’m not a racist or anything, it’s just, usually African-Americans are friends with other African-Americans. Plain and simple. Same with whites and miscellaneous races. I mean, look at them, they’re happy. Happier than before. You guys know I’m not racist, right?

BANGER
Right.

JET
Yeah.

JEAN PAUL
Cool Clyde, you just segregated the cafeteria.

CLYDE
Yeah, I know, right?

EXT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL
A forklift brings a large crate to the back entrance of the school. MR. WASHINGTON and CLYDE stand next to it. 
CLYDE is drinking beer.

CLYDE
What’s this?

MR. WASHINGTON
Well, Clyde, all the teachers and staff were just so excited and thrilled about your return we just had to show our appreciation.
MR. WASHINGTON opens the crate.
An office-sized desk is present.

MR. WASHINGTON
We got you a desk!

CLYDE
My own desk, alright!

CLYDE throws his beer at the ground.
CLYDE hugs MR. WASHINGTON

MR. WASHINGTON
Oh wow, you hugged me.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL
MR. WASHINGTON runs inside to a crowded hallway.

MR. WASHINGTON
Hey, everybody, Cool Clyde hugged me!

Everybody cheers.

CLYDE sits at his desk, which is now in the middle of the hallway, on his desk is a computer, a phone, a vase with roses in it, a picture of his family, and a beer bottle.
CLYDE types on his computer as he smokes.
MISS BANKS walks towards CLYDE and hands him a paper.

MISS BANKS
Clyde, this fax came for you in the teacher’s lounge.

CLYDE
Oh, thanks, Lucy.

MISS BANKS
No problem, handsome.

CLYDE reads the fax.

CLYDE
Oh you’re dirty.

MISS BANKS winks and walks away.
CLYDE’S phone rings.
CLYDE answers.

CLYDE
Cool Clyde of Shermer West High School, what’s up? Ah, no way, sweet! Alright! Yeah, I’ll be there in ten.

CLYDE opens a drawer filled with cigarette butts and puts his cigarette out in it. He shuts that drawer and opens another, which is filled with Kool-Aid packets. He takes out a Kool-Aid packet, opens it and pours it on his desk. He takes a straw and snorts it.

INT. MR. WASHINGTON’S OFFICE
CLYDE kicks the door open.

MR. WASHINGTON
Hey partner, how’s it going?

CLYDE
I need a ride.

MR. WASHINGTON
Well sure, I can help you out.

EXT. BODY SHOP
MR. WASHINGTON pulls up to the body shop.
CLYDE gets out.

CLYDE
Thanks, Principal Edwards. See you later!

MR. WASHINGTON drives away.
CLYDE enters the body shop.

INT. BODY SHOP
CLYDE walks up to the counter.

CLYDE
Hey, I’m here to pick up my car.

GUY AT THE BODY SHOP
Name?

CLYDE
Clyde, Cool.

GUY AT THE BODY SHOP
Pontiac?

CLYDE
Yeah.

GUY AT THE BODY SHOP
Follow me.

CLYDE follows GUY AT THE BODY SHOP to the garage.
GUY AT THE BODY SHOP takes the cover off of CLYDE’S car.
SONG, “Oh Yeah” by Yello plays as shots of a 1977 Black Pontiac Trans Am with the license plate, “CLY RIDE” is shown. CLYDE walks to the hood, he rubs the decal on it.

CLYDE
Beautiful.

CLYDE gets in the car.
CLYDE starts up the car.
The engine makes him smirk.
He drives away.

EXT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
“Oh Yeah” plays as CLYDE drives.
He pulls up to his house and parks crudely.
CLYDE gets out of his car and slides across the hood.

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
CLYDE walks in, WALTER runs towards him and motions for a hug.

WALTER
It’s been so long, son.

CLYDE walks past him and upstairs.

WALTER
Why do you push me away, son? I love you! Clyde! Don’t fight your feelings!

CLYDE opens his bedroom door to find CASSIE laying on his bed. CLYDE takes off his sunglasses coolly.

CLYDE
Hello, Miss Cassie Schrippa. Let’s do this.

CLYDE jumps on CASSIE.
WALTER sits on the couch adjacent to the door.
WALTER pours himself a glass of scotch. He takes a sip.
The doorbell rings.

WALTER answers the door.
GREG stands in the doorway.

GREG
Hey, Walt, I hope I’m not disturbing you.

WALTER looks at his scotch for a moment.

WALTER
Uh, no. What’s up, Greg?

GREG
You want to hang out or something?

WALTER
Excuse me?

GREG
I don’t know, we’ve been neighbors for what, fifteen, sixteen years now? We never hang out. I think we could be friends, Walter. I hope we could be friends.

WALTER
What do you have in mind?

GREG
Oh boy, I don’t know. What do you usually do for fun?

WALTER
Drink.

GREG
Drink?

WALTER
Yeah. Usually scotch. Not a lot. Just enough to make me forget about Joan.

GREG
Oh, I get it. How about I show you a different way to forget about Joan.

WALTER
I fear change, Greg.

GREG
I know that Walter. Just let me set you up on a blind date.

WALTER
No, I can’t date. I’m over fifty, widowed, balding. I can’t do that.

GREG
I’ll give you twenty thousand dollars.

WALTER
I beg your pardon?

GREG
Twenty thousand. You heard me. I can afford it, Walt. Sometimes being addicted to gambling has it’s benefits.

WALTER
Jesus Christ, twenty grand. How messed up is this chick?

GREG
Let me put it this way, I’d give you fifty grand if I had it.

INT. CHEZ LUIS RESTAURANT
WALTER and RUFA are seated at a table.

WALTER
So, that’s an interesting name, Rufa.

RUFA
Thank you, it’s polish for poop.

WALTER
Very well. What are you thinking about for dinner?

RUFA
I’m not sure, I usually have tuna fish on Saturdays but today isn’t Saturday. So I probably won’t get tuna fish.

WALTER
You enjoy tuna fish, do you?

RUFA
I only eat it because my cat won’t. He throws up when he eats it. And I have like thirty cans. So, you know.

WALTER
Rufa, could you excuse me for a moment?

RUFA
Of course.

WALTER walks into the men’s bathroom, takes out a gun and puts it in his mouth. BANGER comes out of a stall.

BANGER
Hey, you’re Clyde’s dad!

WALTER
Yep, that’s me.

BANGER
Dude, were you going to kill yourself?

WALTER
I guess not.

BANGER
Striking out, eh? Just do what your son always told me.

WALTER
What’s that?

BANGER
Be cool.

WALTER
That’s kind of general, don’t you think?

BANGER
No.

WALTER
What are you doing here anyway?

BANGER
Oh, I work here.

BANGER leaves without washing his hands.

WALTER
Be cool, be cool.

WALTER returns to the table, with sunglasses on.

RUFA
Welcome back, long time no see. I was kidding. It wasn’t that long, god!

WALTER
Whatever.

RUFA
Heck yeah! So Walter, what’s that short for, Walternathon?

WALTER
No, just Walter. Like Madonna. But cooler.

RUFA
Sweet!

WALTER
Yo, waiter!

BANGER walks to the table.

BANGER
Hello, I’m Banger and - oh my god, you’re hideous!

RUFA
You’re no Cheri Oteri, either, miss.

BANGER
I’m a man.

RUFA
Not my man.

BANGER
What are you talking about?

RUFA
This date is over, Walter!

RUFA leaves.

BANGER
Sorry, dude.

WALTER
No, thank you. You really saved me on that one. I owe you.

BANGER
Unless you can remove the image of her from my mind, there’s absolutely nothing you can do.

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
CLYDE and CASSIE sit on the edge of the bed.

CASSIE
So Clyde, are we official?

CLYDE
Official like a fox.

CASSIE
Clyde, I don’t know what that means.

CLYDE
It means yes, you dumb bimbo.
CASSIE
What does bimbo mean?

CLYDE
It means beautiful.

CASSIE
Aw, thank you, Coolie.

CASSIE hugs CLYDE and leaves.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY
CLYDE sits at his hallway desk, reading a car magazine.
MISS BANKS stops at his desk and hands him a paper.

MISS BANKS
Clyde, this fax came for you. It’s from Jet Rasmussen.

CLYDE
Thanks, Banks.

MISS BANKS
No problem, hot pants.

CLYDE
That’s a new one.

MISS BANKS proceeds down the hallway, CLYDE watches her exit and then reads the paper.

CLYDE
Dear Clyde, I’m sick. Fax me my homework. And also punch Ethan Rogers for me, on the count of my poor health. Thanks. Your buddy, Jet. Okay, Jet, no problem.

INT. MR. WASHINGTON’S OFFICE
MR. WASHINGTON is talking with CLAIRE BONE.

MR. WASHINGTON
I want to believe you’re trying, Miss Bone, but your grades just don’t show it. Not to mention your misbehavior in the classroom. Why should I let you graduate? You’re failing every single course.

CLAIRE BONE
I dunno.

MR. WASHINGTON
I’m going to need you to be a little more convincing, Claire.
CLAIRE
I dunno.

CLYDE kicks MR. WASHINGTON’S door down.

CLYDE
Let her go.

MR. WASHINGTON
Okay!

CLAIRE leaves.

MR. WASHINGTON
Cool Clyde, if I knew you were coming, I would’ve straightened up a bit.

CLYDE
No need. I’ll be frank. I want to stage a fight in the lunchroom today. Me and Ethan Rogers.

MR. WASHINGTON
Clyde, I can’t do that, I’ll have to put it on your transcripts.

CLYDE
How about Kip Conway and Ethan Rogers?

MR. WASHINGTON
That could be arranged.

CLYDE
How about Me and Kip Conway?

MR. WASHINGTON
You’re going the wrong way.

CLYDE
Good thinking, Principal Edwards. I’ll go get Kip.

MR. WASHINGTON
Oh, Clyde, before you go, we have a new student. Jenny Farber. Maybe you can show her around, later?

CLYDE
After the fight!

CLYDE runs out of MR. WASHINGTON’S office and into the hallway screaming.

CLYDE
Kip! Kip! Kip!

INT. LUNCHROOM
A crowd of people are gathered around ETHAN ROGERS and KIP CONWAY. CLYDE is in the center.

CLYDE
Gentlemen, I do not want a clean fight. I want these floors to be stained with your B positive and O negative blood. I want chunks of skin in the cracks of the tiles, and if possible, whole eyes in bowls of soup. Make it happen, boys!

ETHAN ROGERS
Clyde, do we really have to do this?

CLYDE
Of course you do!

KIP CONWAY
Me and Ethan have been friends for ten years. I don’t want to fight him.

CLYDE
I am Cool Clyde, you will respect me!

KIP
Alright.

ETHAN
Who goes first?

CLYDE
Your call.

CLYDE leaves the center, awkward silence.
Then KIP punches ETHAN which starts a huge riot and everyone fights, breaking plates, chairs, tables, lights, etc.
CLYDE bashes someone’s head on a flyer. He then drops the person to the ground. He picks up the blood-stained flyer.
It reads: “BATTLE OF THE BANDS - FRIDAY - IN TWO WEEKS - AUDITIONS TODAY AFTER SCHOOL”

CLYDE
Everybody, stop!

The lunchroom freezes.

CLYDE
Why wasn’t I told about this? Why!

JEAN PAUL
I didn’t think you’d be interested.

CLYDE
I love the art of music, Jean Paul! We need to get our band back together.

BANGER
You mean … ?

CLYDE
Yes, The Valence Electrons. Let’s go!

INT. MRS. DUNCAN’S ROOM
CLYDE, BANGER, and JEAN PAUL enter.

MRS. DUNCAN
Hello boys.

CLYDE
Mrs. Duncan, we’re going to be in the battle of the bands.

MRS. DUNCAN
I’m afraid it isn’t that easy. You need to audition after school. Speaking of which, shouldn’t you all be in class?

BANGER
Nope.

JEAN PAUL
Why do we need to audition, did you forget that Cool Clyde is our lead singer?

MRS. DUNCAN
I’m sorry, guys, there’s some serious competition this year, you’ll have to audition like everyone else.

CLYDE
Well Principal Edwards is hearing about this.

MRS. DUNCAN
Who?

BANGER
He means Mr. Washington.

CLYDE
Is there nothing we could do, to not audition tonight?

JEAN PAUL
Besides, our lead guitarist is sick.

MRS. DUNCAN
No, I’m sorry.

JET walks in with his guitar in hand.

JET
You might want to reconsider after this.

CLYDE / JEAN PAUL / BANGER
Jet!

CLYDE
You weren’t sick after all!

JET
No, I was, I’m just better.

CLYDE
Oh, that’s cool too.

JET
One, two, one, two, three, four.

THE VALENCE ELECTRONS (JET - GUITAR / CLYDE - SINGER / BANGER - DRUMS / JEAN PAUL - BASS) perform a rendition of “Rock & Roll High School” in MRS. DUNCAN’S room and into the hallways, causing a stir. They end up back at MRS. DUNCAN’S ROOM as they cease to a stop.

JET
So?

MRS. DUNCAN
Alright, you’re in. Congratulations.

CLYDE / JEAN PAUL / BANGER / JET
Yes!

JET, CLYDE, JEAN PAUL, and BANGER jump in the air.

INT. LUNCHROOM - AFTER SCHOOL
A party is being hosted in honor of THE VALENCE ELECTRONS’ admission to the battle of the bands. SONG, “Paper Planes” by M.I.A. plays in the background.
CASSIE
Great party, Clyde.

CLYDE
Yeah, it is.

CASSIE
You know what would make this party better?

CLYDE
None of your liberal ideas for change, movement, or reconstructing the basic premise of an Americanized socio-charismatic society. That’s for sure.

CASSIE walks away.
JET joins CLYDE, who stands watching his fellow students party. JET hands CLYDE a beer. CLYDE chugs it and throws it on the ground and steps on it.

CLYDE
Thank you.

JET
This sure is a fantastic party, C.C.

CLYDE
I know it is. We have girls, beer, music, we’re unsupervised, we’re teenagers, we’re in high school. Pretty much the perfect party.

JET
You said it.

CLYDE
I know. I was there.

JENNY FARBER walks up to CLYDE and JET.

JENNY FARBER
Excuse me, which one of you is Clyde?

JET
Clyde, Cool, Ludicrous, Young, Determined, and Endless. You tell me.

JENNY
I’m sorry, I don’t know.

JET
He wears sunglasses indoors and at night.

JENNY
Oh, so, you?

CLYDE
You got me.

JENNY
I’m Jenny Farber.

JENNY shakes CLYDE’S hand.

CLYDE
Oh, you’re the new girl?

JENNY
Yes, I suppose that’s what you can call me.

CLYDE
Want I should show you around?

JENNY
I wouldn’t want you to abandon this party. I’m sure it has something to do with a fundraiser for the school. And from what I’ve heard, you’re the planner.

CLYDE
It’s no big deal, I can ditch this.

JENNY
Well thank you very much, Clyde.

CLYDE
No problem. Jet, keep an eye on the crowd, make sure no one touches he piñata until I get back.

JET
You got it.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAYS

CLYDE
That’s Mr. Ovarian’s room, I had him freshman year biology. He likes to wear women’s clothing and his favorite month is July. That’s Miss Banks’ room, she’s 5’2, 125 pounds, 34c bust, and 32 hips. That’s Mr. Walker’s room, he’s been here since 1949. Which is really freaky because this school opened in 1956.
JENNY
You really know a lot about your school.

CLYDE
I have to. The students depend on me, without me, there would be mass chaos, and interracial lunch tables. There’s actually a nickname floating around these walls, Glue. Because I hold the school together. Cute, isn’t it?

JENNY
Yes.

CLYDE
We’re coming up on the principal’s office, me and him are best friends.

JENNY
That’s so nice you formed a bond with a high school administrator.

CLYDE
It’s more than a bond, Jenny. It’s an undeniable friendship. I was the best man at both his weddings. He came to my baby shower. I watched his kids while he was on his honeymoon. I don’t mean to be bragging. It’s just, most people already know me, so I don’t have to explain myself often. Let me hear about you.

JENNY
Well I moved here from Wisconsin. I like chess and I play the flute.
CLYDE
That’s funny, I wouldn’t suspect you being a nerd.

JENNY
Excuse me?

CLYDE
You’re hot. Nerds aren’t hot. Nerds are ugly.

JENNY
Thanks, I guess.

CLYDE
You’re welcome. Now let me show you my locker.

INT. LUNCHROOM
SONG, “Jailhouse Rock” by Elvis Presley plays.
HOULIHAN runs around with a lampshade on his head, then runs into a wall and lies unconscious.

BANGER
Jet, this party is getting out of control.

JET
It’s okay, I can handle it.

BANGER
No you can’t!

JET
Yes, I can!

ETHAN walks to BANGER and JET, wearing an eye patch.

ETHAN
You guys haven’t seen my eye anywhere, have you?

JET
No.

BANGER
No, sorry.

ETHAN
Let me know if you do. I might be able to pop it back in there.

JET
Probably not, but I’ll keep an eye out.

JET and BANGER crack up.

ETHAN
Real mature, guys.

ETHAN leaves.

JET
Banger, right now it’s at about a yellow. When it gets to red, we can start to panic.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY
CLYDE leans next to his open locker with JENNY.

CLYDE
This is it.

JENNY
You’ve got alcohol in it!

CLYDE
What? No way! Oh no! Ha, seriously.

JENNY
You aren’t allowed to drink in school!

CLYDE
No, you don’t understand, I am.

JENNY
Pardon?

CLYDE
I’m Cool Clyde, Jenny.

JENNY
Cool Clyde?

CLYDE
Cool Clyde.

JENNY
You think you’re cool because you drink?

CLYDE
There’s numerous reasons.

JENNY
Such as?

CLYDE
I don’t think I need to explain myself, Jen. Look at me. My popped collar, aviators, hat with an ambiguous logo on it, need I go on?

JENNY
I’m sorry, I just don’t think you’re cool.

CLYDE stares blankly.

INT. LUNCHROOM
SONG, “Communication Breakdown” by Led Zeppelin plays.
CLYDE bursts in.

CLYDE
I need a controlled substance!

BANGER
Red?

JET
Red.

CLYDE screams and runs through the lunchroom, drinking and smoking cigarettes, BANGER and JET follow him. Mass chaos erupts in the lunchroom. Blood, beer, and misc. food items are thrown.

INT. LUNCHROOM - AFTER THE PARTY
The lunchroom is trashed, CLYDE lays on a table with his hat over his face, assumingly asleep. MR. WASHINGTON enters.

MR. WASHINGTON
Clyde? Clyde! Hey, Clyde!

CLYDE gets up and removes his hat.

CLYDE
I’m up!

MR. WASHINGTON
Clyde, did you have a part here last night?

CLYDE
Yeah, listen, I can explain.

MR. WASHINGTON
Save it, Clyde! Do you know how upset this makes me? You throw an unsupervised party in the school’s cafeteria overnight, and make a complete mess of the place!

CLYDE
Sorry, I -

MR. WASHINGTON
And you didn’t invite me!

CLYDE
I tried to call you, your phone must have been on silent.

MR. WASHINGTON takes his phone out of his pocket and opens it.

MR. WASHINGTON
Oh yeah, it is. Four voicemails. From you, I suppose?

CLYDE
Uh, yeah!

MR. WASHINGTON plays the voicemails.

CLYDE (voicemail)
Hey, Principal Edwards, it’s Cool Clyde, huge party tonight, we made it in the battle of the bands, it’s in the lunchroom, everyone’s invited.

BEEP

CLYDE (voicemail)
Hey, Principal E. Cool Clyde again. Just to reiterate, by everyone’s invited, I meant you too, now come on, get down here you knucklehead!

BEEP

CLYDE (voicemail)
P.E.! It’s Clyde! Where are you, man? You must have your phone on silent. I’ll talk to you later, okay? Party!

BEEP

NURSE (voicemail)
Mr. Washington, this is the Will County General Hospital, we have your test results back, it’s unlike anything we’ve ever seen - 

MR. WASHINGTON
I’ll listen to that one later. Clyde, you need help cleaning all of this?

CLYDE
No, I’ll just twitch my nose, Darin, thanks, though.

MR. WASHINGTON
I sense your sarcasm.

CLYDE and MR. WASHINGTON clean up.

MR. WASHINGTON
What’s with all the blood on the ground?

CLYDE
Blood n’ slide.

MR. WASHINGTON
Blood n’ slide?

CLYDE
Yeah, it’s like a slip n’ slide, but instead of water, human blood is used. It looked like the site of a serial killer for a while.

MR. WASHINGTON
Oh, boy, do I wish I was here for that. Why are all those pizzas in a row like that?

CLYDE
I jumped them with my bike.

MR. WASHINGTON
I thought your bike was evidence?

CLYDE
I got it back. No big deal.

MR. WASHINGTON
Fifty bucks you can’t do that again.

CLYDE
I’m hung-over.

MR. WASHINGTON
One hundred.

CLYDE
One-fifty and no school on Wednesdays.

MR. WASHINGTON
I’ll give you two-hundred and an extra day on Christmas break.

CLYDE
Done.

CLYDE gets on his motorcycle, jumps, and crashes into a table. He gets up, unharmed.

MR. WASHINGTON
That’ll be two hundred, fork it over.

CLYDE
Can I pay you in pizza? I’ve got at least fifteen uneaten around here.

MR. WASHINGTON
Yeah, that’s fine. Is that Rosa the janitor on the ground over there?
CLYDE (slight chuckle)
Oh, yeah.

MR. WASHINGTON
Is she dead?

CLYDE
I’m not sure.  I injected her with Windex, just to see what would happen. She was blinking non-stop for like an hour, then she collapsed.

MR. WASHINGTON
That is so awesome! Clyde, you’re the coolest!

CLYDE
That’s what they tell me.

CLYDE and MR. WASHINGTON continue to clean up.

EXT. JENNY’S HOUSE
CLYDE stands in the backyard.

CLYDE
Jenny! Jenny!

JENNY opens her window.

JENNY
What are you doing here?

CLYDE
I want to say sorry, for the way I acted.

JENNY
Do you mean it, or did one of your friends talk you into it?

CLYDE
One of my friends talked me into it.

JENNY
Goodbye, Clyde.

CLYDE
Jenny, wait!

JEAN PAUL, BANGER, and JET enter the backyard.
They each have their instruments. They start playing “Only The Strong Survive” as CLYDE talks.

CLYDE
I remember my first love affair, somehow or another, the whole darn thing went wrong. My mama had some great advice. So I thought I’d put it into words of this song. I can still hear her saying it. Boy, oh, I see you’re sitting out there all alone. Crying your eyes out ’cause the woman that you love has gone. Oh, there’s gonna be, there’s gonna be a whole lot of trouble in your life. Oh, so listen to me get up off your knees ’cause only the strong survive. That’s what she said, only the strong survive. Only the strong survive, Oh you’ve got to be strong, you’d better hold on. Don’t go all around with your head hung down.
Well I wouldn’t let that little girl, no, I wouldn’t let her know that she made me feel like a clown. There’s a whole lot a girls looking for a good man like you. Oh but you’ll never meet them if you give up now and say that your life is through. Yes she said, only the strong survive, only the strong survive, you’ve got to be a man, you’ve got to take a stand. Only the strong survive, only the strong survive, oh, you’ve got to be strong, you’d better hold on
‘cause only the strong survive. Only the strong survive, only the strong survive, well, you’ve got to be a man, you’ve got to take a stand. Only the strong survive, only the strong survive

JENNY
That’s Elvis Presley!

CLYDE
Actually, it’s originally by Jerry Butler. But either way, I bought the rights to the song. So what do you say? Give me a second chance?

JENNY
At what?

CLYDE
I’m not actually too sure. Were we a thing?

JENNY
I don’t think so.

CLYDE
Oh.

JEAN PAUL
Aren’t you dating Cassie, anyway?

CLYDE
Yeah, that’s right. What am I doing here?
JENNY
Clyde, want to be friends?

CLYDE
Sure.

Awkward silence.

CLYDE
Well, that settles that, let’s go boys.

CLYDE leaves, JEAN PAUL, JET, and BANGER follow.

BANGER
Nice to meet you Jenny.

EXT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
CLYDE parks his Trans Am in the driveway, gets out, and kisses it.

CLYDE
Good night, Bandit.

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
CLYDE enters, WALTER gets up from the couch, with a scotch in his hand and faces CLYDE.

WALTER
Clyde, son?

CLYDE
What is it, Walter? I’ve got to make flyers for the battle of the bands.

WALTER
Son, how much would you say it costs for your love?

CLYDE
What?

WALTER
If I were to give you some money, would you love me?

CLYDE
How much?

WALTER
Twenty thousand.

CLYDE
For twenty thousand, I’ll like you a lot. I wouldn’t love you.

WALTER
That’s all I need right now, Clyde, oh, thank you. Here’s a check.

WALTER sets down his drink and writes CLYDE a check for $20,000 and hands it to him.

WALTER
I’m proud of you, son.

CLYDE
I really like you, Dad.

WALTER
Thank you, God.

CLYDE runs upstairs.

WALTER
I love you, son!

CLYDE sits on his bedroom floor with CASSIE.
They are decorating flyers and posters for the battle of the bands.

CASSIE
I’m going to use red to color in your logo, is that okay? I like red. It’s a fun color, a lot of people can relate. Don’t you think? I love your room. I love you, too. Clyde, you love me too? Don’t you love your little Cassie Schrippa? Sure you do. You’re cool because you’re quiet. I love you.

CLYDE sighs.

CASSIE
Sorry, you’re busy. I won’t talk. Promise. (pause) I wrote an article for the school newspaper. Do you have any watercolors? I think they would look great on -

CLYDE walks over to his dresser, gets duct tape out of his drawer and tapes CASSIE’S mouth shut.

They continue working.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - MRS. JOHNSON’S ROOM
CLYDE sits in his desk and leans next to MARCUS.
CLYDE
What’s up, Marcus?

MARCUS
The dean’s out sick today.

CLYDE
Mr. Silverstein?

MARCUS
Yeah, why?

CLYDE
Awesome.

MARCUS
You didn’t answer me you just said an adjective.

CLYDE
Sweet.

MARCUS
You did it again.

CLYDE
Rad.

MARCUS
Clyde, I don’t like this side of you.

CLYDE gets up and walks to MRS. JOHNSON, who is at her desk.

CLYDE
Mrs. Johnson, I have some personal issues to attend to.

MRS. JOHNSON
Of course, you take your time, Clyde.

CLYDE leaves.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL
SONG, “I‘m Walkin‘” by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers plays as a montage is shown of CLYDE putting up signs for the battle of the bands. He places several in the hallways, some in both the women’s and men’s bathrooms, in the lunchroom, in the teacher’s lounge, wear BANGER, JEAN PAUL, JET, and KIP are playing poker and smoking cigars, CLYDE kicks open MR. WASHINGTON’S door and spray paints “COOL CLYDE & THE VALENCE ELECTRONS BATTLE OF THE BANDS NEXT FRIDAY 7 AUDITORIUM” on the bulletin board. CLYDE stops a BULLY beating up ETHAN ROGERS and hands them both a flyer. They smile and nod, then the BULLY continues pounding on ETHAN, CLYDE tapes a flyer on MISS BANKS’ butt, making sure it’s on there real good. He slaps her butt one last time, winks, and leaves. CLYDE returns to MRS. JOHNSON’S room and sits in his seat, just as the bell rings.

INT. JET’S GARAGE - AFTER SCHOOL
THE VALENCE ELECTRONS play part of “I‘m A King Bee.”

CLYDE
Alright, that was good. Beer break.

JET opens a cooler, and tosses everyone a beer bottle.
CLYDE chugs his and throws it on the ground.

CLYDE
Thanks, I needed that.

BANGER
You think we’re ready for the gig?

CLYDE
No, I don’t think we’re ready, Banger!

JEAN PAUL
I do.

CLYDE
No one cares what you think! I’m sorry, Jean Paul, it’s the alcohol, drugs, and the lack of sleep.

JEAN PAUL
It’s okay.
JET
We could just practice here like every other day. We should be fine by next Friday.

CLYDE
Oh yeah, what if we aren’t ready? What if we suck?

JET
We can’t. Not with me on the guitar and you on the harp.

JEAN PAUL
Maybe we should check out our competition.

BANGER
Maybe we should knock out our competition.

CLYDE
Like kill?

BANGER
What? No! Oh, god no! Jesus Christ, Clyde! No! (pause) Unless you want to. I’ve got it all planned out.

CLYDE
No, we can’t kill them. Would it be easy? Yes. Is it moral? No.

JEAN PAUL
How about we sabotage them. Destroy their drum set.

BANGER
No! I can’t let you do that. Even though it’s someone else’s, it still hurts me, personally.

JET
We could just inject them with bird flu while they’re sleeping.

CLYDE
Oh, all these terrific ideas. What to do?

BANGER
We could just say it was canceled.

CLYDE
Maybe. How many other bands are there anyway?

JEAN PAUL
Two.

CLYDE
Two? That’s it?

JET
With one in for competition, that’s kind of easy.

CLYDE
Who are the other bands?

BANGER
Lemon Pirates and The Paper Mates.

CLYDE
Keep The Paper Mates, they sound Australian. Leave the Lemon Pirates to me. Okay, King Bee, from the top!

THE VALENCE ELECTRONS perform the beginning of “I‘m A King Bee.”

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY
CLYDE stops by GORDON’S locker.

CLYDE
Gordon, hey buddy.

GORDON
Cool Clyde, you’re talking to me? You never talk to me.

CLYDE
Yeah, well I heard you were in the battle of the bands. I just wanted to say congratulations and I wish your band the best of luck.

GORDON
Wow, thank you. I’m speechless.

CLYDE
No need to thank me, Gordon. I’m just doing what any reasonable opponent would do.

CLYDE indicates to shake GORDON’S hand.
They shake.

CLYDE
See you out there, friend.

CLYDE starts to walk away.
He then turns back.

CLYDE
Oh, Gordy, there was one more thing. It’s semi-private, you mind if we chat in the bathroom for a minute?

GORDON
I’ll be late for class, sorry.

CLYDE
It’ll be fine. Follow me.

GORDON follows CLYDE down a hallway.

GORDON
Where are we going? The restroom is over there.

CLYDE
The public restroom is over there.
CLYDE and GORDON arrive at a door with a sign next to it that says “COOL CLYDE RESTROOM ONLY - NO STUDENT OR FACULTY ACCESS.” CLYDE uses a key to open the door, and signals GORDON to enter. CLYDE turns on the light and locks the door.

GORDON
I thought this place was a myth.

CLYDE’S bathroom is filled with dozens of stalls and urinals, with a flat screen TV, vending machines, pinball machines, posters of Jessica Alba, Gwen Stefani, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Love Hewitt, The Blues Brothers, Animal House, Where The Buffalo Roam, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Neighbors, and more.

CLYDE
No, it’s as real as Miss Banks‘, well, you know.

GORDON
They’re real?

CLYDE
Trust me on this one, they’re real.

GORDON
You felt them?

CLYDE
All night long. I’m surprised she let me. They’re so perfect, but yeah, they are her own calves. 

GORDON
So what do you need to tell me?

CLYDE
It’s more of an action, than a conversation.

GORDON
Oh.

CLYDE enters a stall and comes out of it with a bat. He smiles and then beats GORDON with it. GORDON screams as CLYDE hits him and yells. GORDON tries to open the door, but can’t. CLYDE goes to hit him, but misses, hitting the light switch off. Complete darkness, and CLYDE and GORDON are heard arguing with struggle and physical combat. The lights go back on and GORDON lays on the ground with a pool of blood. CLYDE writes “LEMON PIRATES ARE DISQUALIFIED FROM THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS - SIGNED COOL CLYDE.”

CLYDE
Good luck, Gordon.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM
All of the students are assembled in the auditorium, talking very loudly as MR. WASHINGTON is on stage.

MR. WASHINGTON
Everyone, please, can I have your attention? Apparently not. Just a quick announcement, and it’ll make it a lot easier to talk without talking over you. I promise, when I’m done talking, a minimum of sixteen sentences, you guys can go home. Just listen up, please. I’m a very patient guy, I can wait all day if I have to. (pause) But seriously, please stop talking. It’s disrespectful. Okay.

MR. WASHINGTON steps away.
COACH JACKSON heads towards the microphone.

COACH JACKSON
Boys and girls, I’m going to need you all to be good kids, and shut your yappers! I’m sick and tired of the non-stop talking! Mr. Washington just wants to make an announcement! He is a good man! He does not deserve this! His wife left him last year! Do you know how devastated he was? He cried on my shoulder for six straight weeks! Now for the love of god would you all show this man some well deserved respect!

The crowd continues to be loud.
MR. JACKSON steps away and shrugs his shoulders to MR. WASHINGTON. MR. WASHINGTON hangs his head down.
COOL CLYDE crashes from backstage and onto the stage on him motorcycle. The crowd of students cheer wildly and throw roses on stage. CLYDE gets off his motorcycle and heads to the microphone and signals the students to be quiet. They obey.

COACH JACKSON
Really?

MR. WASHINGTON
That’s the power of Cool Clyde.

CLYDE
Hey. I’m Cool Clyde.

Wild applause and sudden silence.

CLYDE
Thank you. I’m here to announce that the Lemon Pirates will no longer be attending the Battle of the Bands. It will be my band, the Valence Electrons, and the Paper Mates. That’s next Friday, seven o’ clock, in here. Be there. Shermer West Football rules!

HOULIHAN
Go Cool Clyde!

CLYDE rides his motorcycle off stage, receiving applause.
MR. WASHINGTON goes back to the microphone.

MR. WASHINGTON
So like I was saying -

The crowd goes back to talking loudly.

MR. WASHINGTON
You know what, forget it. Everyone, go home!

Everyone leaves.

COACH JACKSON
Alrighty then! Have a good weekend! See you kids later!

EXT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT
CLYDE walks with CASSIE under one arm and his motorcycle under another.

CLYDE
It’s Friday.

CASSIE
I know.

CLYDE
We’re over, tomorrow.

CASSIE
I know.

CLYDE
Does that upset you?

CASSIE
Greatly.

CLYDE
Don’t let it.

CASSIE
I won’t.

CLYDE puts his motorcycle in the back of the Trans Am.
CASSIE goes in the passenger seat. CLYDE in the driver seat.
A banner for the battle of the bands is on the back of the Trans Am, over the taillights.

INT. CLYDE’S Trans Am
STREETS OF PLAINFIELD/JOLIET
CLYDE drives with CASSIE.
CASSIE is changing the radio station constantly.
CLYDE grabs her by the wrist and sets her hand down.
CLYDE pushes a button on the radio.
SONG, “Happy” by The Rolling Stones plays.

EXT. CLYDE’S Trans Am
STREETS OF PLAINFIELD/JOLIET
SONG continues to play and then fades as CLYDE pulls up to his house. 

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
CLYDE and CASSIE enter.
WALTER sits on the couch with RUFA.

WALTER
Hey Clyde, hey Clyde’s current girlfriend. This is my new wife, Rufa. She’s a dancer.

RUFA
I’m not a dancer. I just dance for fun, sometimes.

CLYDE
Up.

CASSIE follows CLYDE upstairs.

EXT. CLYDE’S ROOM
CLYDE and CASSIE walk to CLYDE’S door.

CASSIE
I love your door, Clyde.

CLYDE
Don’t try it, Cass, I’m not renewing you.

CLYDE opens the door to find JENNY sitting on his bed.

INT. CLYDE’S ROOM
CLYDE approaches JENNY.

JENNY
Your dad let me in. He said girls come over all the time.

CLYDE
Yes, one at a time.

CLYDE looks from CASSIE to JENNY several times.

JENNY
If you’re busy I can leave.

CLYDE
I don’t know how much more clear I could have made it.

JENNY
Clyde, one day, you’re going to be faced with a decision, in which most people will pick the obvious answer, you will be faced with a dilemma. Don’t be cool, or die. And for your family’s sake, I hope you pick the obvious one.

JENNY leaves.
JENNY enters.

JENNY
Not to be cool!

JENNY leaves.

CASSIE
What’s her deal?

CLYDE
I don’t know but it’s turning me on a little.

CASSIE
Oh, Clyde.

CASSIE puts her hand on CLYDE’S shoulder.

CLYDE
I said a little. Keep your distance.

CASSIE obeys.

CLYDE
I’ve got to make a call.

CLYDE takes out his cell phone and dials.
CLYDE takes out a flashlight and shines it on his wall.
CASSIE is distracted and tries to chase the light as CLYDE talks.

CLYDE
Jet. Just us and the Paper Mates now. I beat him pretty severely with a baseball bat. Yeah, the one I keep in my bathroom. Hey, I put that money my dad gave me to good use. I went all out at promoting our gig.

INTERSTATE 55
A happy family is in their minivan.
DAD is at the wheel, with MOM in the passenger seat, kids, ages 6-12, BEVERLY and KEVIN are in the back.

DAD
Kids, we’re almost at grandma and grandpa’s, just a few miles!

BEVERLY
I’m so excited!

KEVIN
I’m going to hug her!

BEVERLY
I’m going to hug her first!

KEVIN
No I am!

BEVERLY
No I am!

MOM
Kevin, Beverly, you can both hug her at the same time.

KEVIN
That sounds like fun!

DAD
You bet it is!

BEVERLY
Hey, can we go to the IHOP tonight with grandma and grandpa?

MOM
Don’t we go to the IHOP every time we see grandma and grandpa?
BEVERLY
I know, I just like to hear it.

KEVIN
I’m going to get pancakes!

DAD
I’m so glad we’re a family. And alive. I’m so glad we’re a family and alive.

BEVERLY
Oh, dad, we’re so lucky to have you as a father.

KEVIN
I value our time together.

MOM
Kids, do you want the back windows open or closed?

KEVIN / BEVERLY
Closed.

KEVIN / BEVERLY
Jinx!

KEVIN / BEVERLY
Double jinx!

KEVIN
Triple jinx! You owe me a coke!

BEVERLY
It would fill me with the greatest joy to buy my favorite brother a coke.

KEVIN
Aw, Beverly, you don’t owe me anything. I was only kidding you.

DAD
We’ve got a real Rodney Dangerfield over here.

Everyone laughs.

KEVIN
I don’t know who that is.

BEVERLY
Hey mom, would it be okay if the radio was on?

MOM
Of course, sweetheart.

MOM turns on the radio.
SONG, “Vienna” by Billy Joel plays on the radio.

MOM
I love this song.

DAD
Vienna by Billy Joel. The Stranger. 1977.

MOM
You know, kids, this was the first song, your father and I danced to.

KEVIN / BEVERLY
Aw.

MOM
He was so romantic.

KEVIN / BEVERLY
Aw.

DAD
You weren’t too bad yourself, honey.

MOM and DAD kiss.

KEVIN / BEVERLY
Aw.

DAD
Hey, what’s that?

MOM
What’s what, darling?

DAD
That billboard.

Zoom-in on billboard, with a giant picture of CLYDE and the text, “COOL CLYDE & THE VALENCE ELECTRONS - BATTLE OF THE BANDS: FRIDAY 7PM - SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM” on it. The mini-van begins to drift.

MOM
Honey, you’re drifting.

MOM grabs the wheel.

DAD
I can’t look away. Look, look for yourselves.

MOM, DAD, BEVERLY, and KEVIN all stare at the billboard.

MOM
You’re right. I can’t look away.

BEVERLY
Mom, it’s burning my eyes. But in a weird sexual way.

KEVIN
I want a beer.

The mini-van drifts more, colliding with traffic.
Which causes a huge chain reaction of cars colliding.
The mini-van slides off the road and crashes into the billboard. The billboard falls on the mini-van and I-55.
MOM, DAD, and BEVERLY lay unconscious with blood everywhere in the van, KEVIN, mangled under his family’s lifeless bodies is able to crawl out of the car. 
KEVIN, crying and hurt, runs onto I-55, being hit by a bus. The bus also hits another car, near the fallen billboard.
There are a few explosions and dozens of car crashes.
“Vienna” still plays, but slowly fades out as a commercial airplane crash lands on the billboard, causing a huge explosion.

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
CLYDE, WALTER, RUFA, and CASSIE sit at the kitchen table. They are eating dinner.

CASSIE
Thanks again for inviting me for dinner, Walter.

WALTER
No problem, and you can just call me Walter.

CASSIE
I did.

CLYDE
So, dad, when did you and blondie over here meet?

WALTER
Well our neighbor Greg hooked us up, son.

CLYDE
That’s nice. What does she do?

RUFA
I clean. Houses, mostly.

CASSIE
Like a maid?

RUFA
No maid! (pause) Sorry, I mean, I’m not a maid, I don’t do what maids do.

CLYDE
She’s a keeper, dad.

CASSIE
These are really good potatoes. What’s in them?

RUFA
Human heart.

CLYDE pushes his plate away and goes to the bathroom.
CLYDE gargles water and spits it out.
Then splashes water on his face and towels it off.
CLYDE looks up in the mirror. JOHN BELUSHI’S GHOST appears.

CLYDE
Great John Belushi’s Ghost!

JOHN BELUSHI’S GHOST
Yeah, that’s me.

CLYDE
What are you doing in my mirror?

JOHN
I’m here to give you some advice, Clyde-O. As you probably know, I was pretty cool myself.

CLYDE
The coolest!

JOHN
Thanks, your sweet. But I was only cool when I needed to be. On Saturday Night Live, I was cool. When I was backstage doing my tax returns, I wasn’t. When I was on the set of Animal House, throwing back a few beers with John Landis and my wife, Judy, I was cool as a cucumber. But at the end of the day when I had to memorize my lines and learn my parts, I was serious. So that’s my little message from me to you, I don’t know, whatever, you learn something, or you don’t.

JOHN starts to turn away.

CLYDE
Wait!

JOHN turns back and raises an eyebrow.

CLYDE
Is that true, late Hollywood comedic actor, John Adam Belushi?

JOHN
Of course it is, Clyde. You can’t be cool all the time. You’ll get someone killed.

CLYDE
I have.

JOHN
See what I mean.

JOHN looks at the bathroom counter.

JOHN
Are you going to finish those?

CLYDE
What?

JOHN
That container, what’s in it?

CLYDE picks up a bottle of pills.

CLYDE
Pills.

JOHN
For what?

CLYDE
My dad’s back pain.

JOHN
You going to use them?

CLYDE
My dad’s full prescription of dextropropoxyphene? No.

JOHN
Can I have them?

CLYDE throws JOHN the bottle of pills.
JOHN opens them.

CLYDE
So, what’s heaven like, legendary comic performer and Blues Brother, John Belushi?

JOHN
Oh, it’s great man. They got booze, buffets, girls, I recommend it.

JOHN chugs the bottle of pills and puts his mouth to CLYDE’S sink and swallows them down with water.

JOHN
Remember what I said, Clyde.

JOHN walks away, tripping several times, then the mirror fades back to normal, CLYDE can see himself.
CASSIE knocks on the door.

CASSIE
Clyde, are you okay?

CLYDE leaves the bathroom.

CLYDE
Cassie, we need to talk.

EXT. JENNY’S HOUSE
CLYDE knocks on the door, it’s raining.
MR. FARBER answers.
MR. FARBER
Can I help you?

CLYDE
Hi, are you Jenny’s dad?

MR. FARBER
Yes. Who are you?

CLYDE
I’m Cool Clyde, sir. A friend of your daughter’s.

MR. FARBER
Oh, well, Jenny’s out, I’m sorry to inform you.

CLYDE
It’s fine. Just let her know I stopped by.

MR. FARBER
Will do.

CLYDE
Thank you Mr. Farber. Have a nice night.

MR. FARBER
Yeah, you too.

CLYDE hops on his motorcycle.
CLYDE leaves.

INT. JENNY’S HOUSE
MR. FARBER returns to the kitchen table where MRS. FARBER is drinking coffee.

MR. FARBER
The strangest thing just happened.

MRS. FARBER
What? Who was at the door?

MR. FARBER
A boy. For Jenny.

MRS. FARBER
Don’t make me laugh.

MR. FARBER
I’m serious. A boy, a very handsome boy, I might add, just knocked on the door and asked for Jenny.

MRS. FARBER
There’s hope after all!

MR. FARBER
I can’t wait to tell the neighbors my little girl is finally going to have a relationship! A real one!

MRS. FARBER
I thought this day would never come.

INT. JET’S GARAGE - THE NEXT DAY
THE VALENCE ELECTRONS perform “D‘Yer Mak’er.”

JET
Clyde, what’s wrong? Your heart wasn’t in that take.

CLYDE
My mind’s elsewhere.

BANGER
Where else is it?

CLYDE
It’s a metaphor, it’s still in my head. I’m just thinking of other things.

JEAN PAUL
Like what?

CLYDE
Life. Mostly.

JET
Is it that girl again, C?

CLYDE
Yes. I just can’t get her out of there.

CLYDE points to his head.

JEAN PAUL
Write her a poem.

CLYDE (sarcastically)
Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

JET
Clyde, it’s affecting your performance. We want to be perfect for the show.

CLYDE
A beer will do the trick.

CLYDE chugs a beer.

CLYDE
Okay, maybe two beers with do the trick.

CLYDE chugs another beer.

CLYDE
Okay, maybe two beers and a smoke will do the trick.

CLYDE lights a cigarette.

JET
Maybe you go home?

CLYDE
Good call.

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
CLYDE sits on his couch, next to RUFA.

RUFA
So do you go to school?

CLYDE
Yep.

RUFA
Why aren’t you in school now?

CLYDE
It’s Saturday.

RUFA
I don’t get it.

CLYDE
There is no school on Saturday.

RUFA
That’s horrible! What happened?

CLYDE
Nothing happened. There is never school on Saturday.

RUFA
Since when?

CLYDE
Door, door, door. Please, door.

Doorbell rings.

CLYDE
Yes!

CLYDE answers the door.

CLYDE
Hey Jenny. Come on in.

JENNY enters and shuts the door behind her.

JENNY
I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for my parents pretty much praising you all day.

CLYDE
Jenny, I want to change. I fear it, it’s hereditary, but I have to in order to succeed in life. I have to know when to be cool and when not to be cool.

JENNY
Really?

CLYDE
Yes.

JENNY
Okay. Let’s get started.

INT. CLYDE’S ROOM
CLYDE and JENNY sit on CLYDE’S bed.

JENNY
Alright, Clyde, when on a date, you what?

CLYDE
Don’t pay. Ever.

JENNY
No, I mean, are you cool, or serious?

CLYDE
I’m cool.

JENNY
No, you’re serious. You have to have respect for women. When you’re in school, taking a test, what are you?

CLYDE
Cool.

JENNY
No, you’re serious. You have to concentrate on tests, Clyde, evaluate each answer individually.

CLYDE
So not just put AC/DC all the way down.

JENNY
No, of course not. This might take a little longer than I thought.

ZOOM on clock, go from 2:30ish to 10:00ish.
CLYDE lays on the ground, JENNY lays on the bed, both exhausted.
JENNY
Last one, Clyde, you’re on an airplane, the pilot passes out, the plane’s going down, you just got your pilot’s license, you can A. play it cool and watch the plane go down, or B. be serious, take action and land the plane successfully.

CLYDE
Serious.

JENNY
Yes. I think I’m done here.

CLYDE
Thank god, I need a smoke.

CLYDE puts a cigarette in his mouth.
JENNY smacks the cigarette out of his mouth.

CLYDE
Hey!

JENNY
Clyde, you can’t smoke.

CLYDE
Okay, I can quit. For you.

JENNY
Thanks, Clyde.

JENNY sits next to CLYDE and goes in to kiss him.
Just as they are about to kiss, CLYDE takes a beer and attempts to drink it. JENNY takes it from him.

CLYDE
What?

SONG, “You Make My Dreams Come True” by Hall & Oates plays as a montage is shown.

MONTAGE: CLYDE opens his refrigerator to find all his beer has been replaced with lemonade, CLYDE reaches into his pocket to find a cigarette box, but inside, he finds Hershey kisses. CLYDE sits at his hallway desk, as he opens each drawer to find them all empty. CLYDE pushes his computer to the ground, shattering it. ROSA THE JANITOR enters and sweeps the computer up. CLYDE pops his collar in the hallways, with no response. CLYDE goes extremely close to MANDY WATKINS, popping his collar, MANDY rolls her eyes and leaves. CLYDE crashes with his motorcycle through a window in MISS BANKS’ room. No one acknowledges him. CLYDE, with his head down, gets off his motorcycle and hugs MISS BANKS, MISS BANKS pats his head. CLYDE leans in front of the school, pretending to smoke with his two fingers. JENNY nods her head in approval. Miscellaneous other shots are shown with JENNY and CLYDE, CLYDE going through withdrawal.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL
CLYDE leans next to JENNY’S locker.

CLYDE
I don’t like this, Jenny.

JENNY
Well I do. You don’t reek of alcohol, you’re healthier, and you have me.

CLYDE
Can’t I just have one of those things? No one thinks I’m cool anymore. I’ve lost my fan club.

JENNY
Clyde, I think you’re cool, and that’s all that matters. Plus, the battle of the bands is Friday, and I don’t think anyone could discredit your coolness after you rock the house then.

CLYDE
I guess you’re right, J-Dawg. I just have to deal with this until then.

The bell rings.
JENNY shuts her locker.

JENNY
I’ve got to get to class. See you later.

CLYDE
Why? The bell already rang. The bell indicates, you are to be in class, in your seat. Showing up now, you’d be late. So it doesn’t matter if you go now or wait ten minutes.

JENNY
I guess you’re right.

CLYDE and JENNY stand there awkwardly.

CLYDE
I should go to lunch.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - LUNCHROOM
CLYDE is in the lunch line with JET, JEAN PAUL, and BANGER.

(shoving food in his pockets, down his pants, in his shirt, a ton on his plate, eating as he talks)
CLYDE
You know guys, ever since I quit smoking and drinking I’ve been so full of energy, I find myself having a lot more time to do things, I ate a pomegranate the other day. Boy, are those good. Jenny’s like an angel sent straight from heaven. I mean it. She makes my dreams come true. Not the ones I told you in confidence, Jean Paul, the other ones, when a Hall & Oates song plays as I’m in a montage. It’s flat-out terrific, gang.

CLYDE is about to leave when he is stopped by the LUNCH LADY at the check-out.
LUNCH LADY
Clyde, honey, get back.

CLYDE
Is there a problem?

LUNCH LADY
You got to pay for all that food you done shoved in your drawers.

CLYDE
It’s me, lunch lady, Cool Clyde. I don’t use U.S. currency.

LUNCH LADY
I’m sorry, you just don’t meet the cool standards anymore, baby. You quit drinking, you quit smoking, you’ve been in a relationship for over a week, you got to pay for your food.

CLYDE
Jet, feel like lending me five hundred and sixty-nine dollars?

JET
Wouldn’t be the first time. Can I write a check?

LUNCH LADY
Sure can.

JET writes a check, gives it to the LUNCH LADY.

JET
You owe me.

CLYDE, JET, JEAN PAUL, and BANGER sit down at their lunch table.

CLYDE
Besides all the negative aspects of it, not being cool is kind of, well, okay.

BANGER
Clyde, how can you be serious?

CLYDE
I don’t know, it’s Jenny, she’s crawled in my head.

JET
Don’t you miss standing in front of 7-11 and nodding at women who you would later share a seven day relationship with?

CLYDE
Of course I do, Jet.

BANGER
Then go back to your old ways, Clyde. It’s easy enough to do.

CLYDE
I can’t. I made a commitment.

JEAN PAUL
I don’t even know you anymore.

CLYDE
That was harsh, J.P.

JET
Maybe you don’t sit here anymore, Clyde.

CLYDE
You’re kicking me out of the cool table? I am the cool table. Guys, it’s me, Clyde! Cool Clyde!

BANGER
More like Cautious Clyde.

JEAN PAUL
Cautious?

BANGER
It’s all I could think of.

CLYDE
Fine, any one of these tables will accept me.

CLYDE gets up and looks around, people throw backpacks on empty seats and try to fill up the table.

CLYDE
There’s one right there!

CLYDE sits next to CLIP, who is the only one at the table.

CLYDE
Can I sit here?

CLIP
Sure. I’m Clip. My real name is Henry. But I hate it.

CLYDE
I’m Clyde, you probably knew that.

CLIP
Yeah, sure.

CLYDE
You bring your lunch?
CLIP
Uh-huh.

CLYDE
I used to do that. Then I graduated the first grade.

CLIP
Oh.

CLYDE
What’s that on your thermos?

CLYDE takes CLIP’S thermos, and on it is a picture of CLYDE with a heart around it.

CLYDE
At least someone likes me.

CLIP awkwardly smiles, with peanut butter and jelly stuck on his teeth.

EXT. JET’S HOUSE
CLYDE sits in JET’S driveway, writing in chalk, “no beer and no cigarettes make Clyde angry.”
JET opens his front door and sits next to CLYDE.

CLYDE
What do you want?

JET
This is my house.

CLYDE
You’re doing pretty well for yourself for sixteen.

JET
Clyde, I’m sorry. I don’t care if you smoke, drink, or have short relationships with girls. You’re my best friend.

CLYDE
You mean it?

JET
Yes. I do mean it. Now give me a hug.

CLYDE
I’m not doing that.

JET
Sleep over?
CLYDE
I could do that.

INT. JET’S HOUSE - JET’S ROOM
JET lays in the bottom bunk, CLYDE lays in the top bunk.

CLYDE
Dude, Jenny is just so - 

JET
Clyde, stop talking about Jenny.

CLYDE
I’m sorry. She’s just so awesome yet complicated.

JET
I know, C.

CLYDE
Hey Jet, you remember that one time we robbed that convenience store in Memphis?

JET
Yeah, that was great.

FLASHBACK
EXT. TRANS-AM
CLYDE drives through the outskirts Memphis, Tennessee as SONG, “East Bound & Down” by Jerry Reed plays, JET in the passenger seat.

EXT. MEL’S CONVENIECE STORE - MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE
“The Logical Song” by Supertramp plays as they pull up to the store.

SLOW MOTION:
CLYDE and JET get out and enter the store.

INT. MEL’S CONVENIENCE STORE (still in SLO-MO)
The CASHIER watches CLYDE and JET nervously and scared.
CLYDE goes to the dairy section, takes out a gallon of whole milk and chugs it. Then looks at the CASHIER like “what are you gonna do about it?”
JET takes a big bag of Doritos, throws it on the ground and jumps on it. CLYDE takes a doughnut, licks it sexually, then puts it back. JET takes a brick and throws it through the frozen foods section. CLYDE drinks from the soda fountain and gives the CASHIER the same look from before. JET takes off his shoe and throws it at the CASHIER, who ducks. CLYDE high fives JET. CLYDE throws down a sunglasses rack.
JET punches the CASHIER, CLYDE opens the cash register and JET takes out the money.

EXT. MEL’S CONVENIENCE STORE (still in SLO-MO)
CLYDE crashes his motorcycle out of the window of the store with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and a beer in his left hand.

END FLASHBACK

JET
Where’d you get the motorcycle?

CLYDE
It doesn’t matter.

JET
Good night, Clyde.

CLYDE
Yes it is.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAYS
CLYDE sits at his hallway desk drinking lemonade.
JENNY sits next to him.

JENNY
I’m very happy for us.

CLYDE
Me too, babe. Me too. Shouldn’t you be in class?

JENNY
It’s passing period.

CLYDE
But there’s no one here.

JENNY
Sorry, Clyde.

CLYDE
It’s because of me?

JENNY
I think it’s a risk you’re willing to take. I’m pretty special.

CLYDE
Whatever.

JENNY
How’s your lemonade?

CLYDE
Needs more beer. And no lemonade.

JENNY
Oh, Clydie.

CLYDE
I’m serious.

JENNY
You’re a stitch.

CLYDE
I love you too, doll face.

MR. WASHINGTON approaches CLYDE.

MR. WASHINGTON
Hello Clyde, Jennifer.

CLYDE
Sup.

MR. WASHINGTON
Jenny, would you mind giving me and Clyde a moment alone?

CLYDE
Ew.

JENNY
Sure, I’ve got to get to class anyway.

JENNY kisses CLYDE on the cheek and leaves.

CLYDE
What is it, Prince?

MR. WASHINGTON
Well, Clyde, as you know, your grades aren’t exactly perfect.

CLYDE
Granted.

MR. WASHINGTON
And you have been here a long time.

CLYDE
Close to seven years.

MR. WASHINGTON
On paper you show no signs of improvement and great struggle.

CLYDE
Yeah, so what? I’m just to hang out.

MR. WASHINGTON
I got a message from the superintendent. He wants to transfer you to the academy.

CLYDE
Say what!

CLYDE shoots up from his chair.

MR. WASHINGTON
I’m sorry.

CLYDE
I’m Cool Clyde, certainly that’s an exception.

MR. WASHINGTON
I’m afraid not. There is one way out.

CLYDE
What?

MR. WASHINGTON
No, never mind, it’s crazy.

CLYDE
So crazy it just might work, watch any situation comedy.

MR. WASHINGTON
There’s this written test, two hundred questions. If you pass it, you can stay. But you must get one hundred and eighty correct.

CLYDE
That’s no problem. I’ll study my butt off. I can ace this thing. What’s the subject?

MR. WASHINGTON
All subjects, Clyde. History, math, science, English, the works.

CLYDE
I can do this.

MR. WASHINGTON
Good luck.

INT. JENNY’S HOUSE - JENNY’S ROOM
CLYDE is reading books and taking notes.
JENNY is sitting next to him, helping him.

CLYDE
Thanks for all your help, Jenny.

JENNY
It’s no problem, boyfriend.

CLYDE
This is great, I’ll ace my test, win battle of the bands, and be Cool Clyde forever.

JENNY
And of course, win me.

CLYDE
Yeah, sure, whatever. Get me a seven up.

JENNY
Alright.

JENNY leaves. CLYDE studies for a bit.
Then MR. and MRS. FARBER enter.

MR. FARBER
Hi.

MRS. FARBER
Hey.

CLYDE
Hi. I’m Jenny’s boyfriend, Clyde. I think we’ve met before, Mr. Farber.

MR. FARBER
Yeah. I remember. You asked if she was here, I said no. It was great fun.
MRS. FARBER
Great fun.

CLYDE
I hope you don’t mind me being here. I came over and no one was home.

MR. FARBER
Oh my god, no, it’s fine! Jesus Christ! How could you think it would not be okay?

MRS. FARBER
We love guests! Especially when they come over unannounced.

CLYDE
You’re very inviting, Mrs. Farber.

MRS. FARBER
Mrs. Farber, listen to him, you call me Jane.

MR. FARBER
And call me John.

MR. FARBER and CLYDE shake hands.

MR. FARBER
I hope we can be friends, Clyde.

CLYDE
I’m sure we will be, John.

MRS. FARBER
Oh, John, the roast!

MR. FARBER
Right!

MR. FARBER leaves.

MRS. FARBER
Sorry, Clyde, John can’t cook squat. I better go help him.

MR. FARBER (from in the hall)
I heard that!

MRS. FARBER
Take care.

MRS. FARBER leaves as JENNY enters.
JENNY throws CLYDE a can of seven up.
CLYDE
Thanks, babe.

JENNY
Hey, I was thinking, maybe we could go on a date tonight.

CLYDE
A date? Like pasta and champagne?

JENNY
Well not champagne. We’re in high school.

CLYDE
I guess that’d be okay. But, what if my friends are there? They’ll make fun of me for not being cool.

JENNY
We don’t have to stay in Shermer. We could go to Walker’s Grove, or Dalton.

CLYDE
Fine. Let’s go.

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT
CLYDE and JENNY approach the MAITRE‘D.

MAITRE’D
May I help you?

CLYDE
Table for two, please.

MAITRE’D
Name?

CLYDE looks around, then whispers in MAITRE’D’S ear.

MAITRE’D
Ah, British.

MAITRE’D scans the list of reservations.

MAITRE’D
Got it. Please follow Elisabeth to your seat.

ELISABETH takes CLYDE and JENNY to a table, they sit.

ELISABETH
I will be back in a moment for your order.

ELISABETH leaves.

CLYDE
This is awesome. I’ve never been in a place this big without breaking something.

JENNY
Feels nice, doesn’t it?

CLYDE
No.

JENNY and CLYDE pick up their menus.

JENNY
I’m thinking about the soufflé.

CLYDE
You keep thinking. It’s three hundred dollars.

JENNY
Come on, Clyde, I’m worth it.

CLYDE
Not really.

JENNY
What?

CLYDE
I don’t want to spend money on you, Jenny. I want to spend money on me. I want to buy Molly Ringwald movies at Wal-Mart, purchase excess amounts of hair gel at Sam’s Club, and get decals for my Trans-Am. Those things are above you, Jen.

JENNY
I’m sorry you feel that way.

CLYDE
But I do love you.

JENNY
I love you too.

CLYDE smiles. He looks at the menu.

JENNY
I sold your Trans-Am.

CLYDE
What?

JENNY
I seen this gold necklace the other day and I knew you’d want me to have it.

CLYDE
You’re horrible!

JENNY
Aren’t I?

CLYDE
But that’s okay. I know you’re testing me. I won’t fail you.

JENNY
No, I really sold the Trans-Am.

CLYDE
Sold Bandit. Yeah, right.

CLYDE laughs.

INT. CLYDE’S GARAGE - GARAGE IS OPEN
CLYDE stands in awe as he sees only his dad’s car in the driveway and no sign of his car.

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE
CLYDE enters, WALTER gets up as if he hasn’t seen CLYDE in years.

WALTER
Clyde? Son?

CLYDE
Let it go, Walt. Where’s Rufa? I think she stole my cell phone.

WALTER
She’s doing laundry in the kitchen.

CLYDE goes to the kitchen, but then comes back to WALTER.

CLYDE
You’re going to do nothing about this? Nothing?

CLYDE shakes his head and goes back to the kitchen, where RUFA is laying on the ground with CLYDE’S phone on her stomach.
CLYDE
What are you doing?

RUFA
I like the vibration.

CLYDE
Give me that.

RUFA gives CLYDE his phone.
CLYDE looks at it.

CLYDE
Six missed calls from the school. I’ll check those out later. I’ve got to study.

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE - CLYDE’S ROOM
CLYDE reads a book, taking notes. He then looks for another book but can’t find one.

CLYDE
I need some more reading material. Where do I go for that?

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE - HALLWAY
CLYDE leans his head out of his room to yell.

CLYDE
Dad! Where do I go for books?

WALTER (from the other room)
The library, son!

CLYDE
That’s that big white building on Main, right?

WALTER (other room)
Yeah, that’s the one!

CLYDE
Thanks!

WALTER (other room)
No problem!

INT. SHERMER PUBLIC LIBRARY
CLYDE walks through the library, being amazed by all the books. He grabs several at a time. Having over a dozen in this hands by the time he spots CHRISTY NOVACK in an aisle.

CHRISTY NOVACK
Cool Clyde?

CLYDE
Christy Novack, right?

CHRISTY
Yeah, funny seeing you here. Well not really, I’ve heard the rumors. Which apparently are true.

CLYDE
No, I’m still cool.

CHRISTY
You’re in a library.

CLYDE
You raise an excellent point, Christy. But, this is for my test.

CHRISTY
You’re test?

CLYDE
Yeah, I guess that’s not really a point for my cool theory, huh?

CHRISTY
I don’t care if you’re cool or not, you’re a nice boy.

CLYDE
And you’re a hot girl. What should we do about that?

CLYDE and CHRISTY stare at each other intensely.
CLYDE throws his books down and they make out intensely.

MONTAGE, SONG, “Don‘t Pull Your Love” by Hamilton, Joe Frank, & Reynolds plays as CLYDE and CHRISTY walking, holding hands in an open field, CLYDE and CHRISTY on the boardwalk with ice cream cones, and various other things.

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE - CLYDE’S ROOM
CLYDE and CHRISTY lay in CLYDE’S bed, each reading a book, CLYDE turns to CHRISTY.

CLYDE
Hey thanks for helping me study. At first when we were getting romantic I was all, awesome, a babe, but then I remembered, hey, I have a girlfriend, and I’d like to keep her. Then I remembered I seen you at the library, so you must be smart. And you were, thanks for the stoichiometry hints.

CHRISTY
Don’t worry about it.

CLYDE
Thanks to you, I won’t have to.

They return to reading.

INT. CLYDE’S HOUSE - CLYDE’S KITCHEN - MORNING
CLYDE eats a gorgeous breakfast with WALTER, RUFA is cooking still.

WALTER
Rufa, you’ve outdone yourself. This breakfast is extraordinary.

CLYDE
Yes, it’s very good. Anything disgusting in it?

RUFA
No, just eggs.

CLYDE
Squirrel eggs?

RUFA
Maybe, I found them in the backyard.

CLYDE
Of course.

CLYDE pushes his plate away.
CLYDE’S cell phone rings, he answers it.

CLYDE (on phone)
C. Oh, hey Principal Edwards. When? But, that’s - No. Wait. Can’t you just tell them? No, this can’t be. No! No! Don’t hang up, I’m still talking! You can not do this!

CLYDE puts his phone back in his pocket.
RUFA and WALTER look at him.

CLYDE
Don’t look at me!

CLYDE runs upstairs.

EXT. JET’S HOUSE
CLYDE knocks on JET’S door.
JULIE answers.

JULIE
Hi Clyde. If I knew you were coming, I would’ve done my hair, or worn less clothes.

CLYDE
You look great, Julie. Is Jet here?

JULIE
He’s in his room. I’ll yell for him.

JULIE leans upstairs.

JULIE
Jet! Clyde’s here!

JET
Be right down!

JULIE kisses CLYDE on the cheek and leaves for the kitchen.

INT. JET’S HOUSE
CLYDE enters and shuts the door.
JET comes downstairs.

JET
What’s up, Clyde?

CLYDE
I’ve got a serious situation.

JET
I thought Miss Banks was looking a little bloated.

CLYDE
No, not that serious. I just found out my test is scheduled the same day as our gig.

JET
So, just re-schedule. You’re Cool Clyde. You smell colors.

CLYDE
I can’t, it’s now or never, Jordanaire.

JET
Just take the test, Clyde. We’ll forfeit.

CLYDE
No, I need to perform and earn back the respect of my peers.

JET
Then perform.

CLYDE
No, I need to take the test so I can stay at the school.

JET
Then take the test.

CLYDE
No, I can’t.

JET
I don’t know what you want me to do here, Clyde.

CLYDE
Let me borrow your car.

JET
Why?

CLYDE
I’m driving to Martha’s Vineyard.

JET
Massachusetts?

CLYDE
Give me the keys.

JET hands the keys to CLYDE.

CLYDE
I’ll bring you back a souvenir.

SONG, “I Want To Be Your Driver” by Chuck Berry plays as shots of CLYDE and JET’S mustang are shown. In the passenger seat there is a container with cookies in it, with a post-it on it, the post-it says: Have a safe trip! - Love, Julie Rasmussen. 

SONG fades out as CLYDE spots a hitchhiker, BONNIE, along the road. He stops to pick her up. CLYDE gets out. He opens the passenger door for her and takes the container out. She gets in, he shuts the door. He walks to the trunk and opens it. Inside is a larger container with various baked goods and a post-it that reads: Have a safe trip! - Love, the staff of Shermer West High School. CLYDE puts the original container next to it and shuts the trunk. He goes back to the driver’s seat. CLYDE continues driving.

CLYDE
Where to?

BONNIE
Anywhere.

CLYDE takes a GPS out of the glove box and types in it.

CLYDE
I can’t find it.

BONNIE laughs.
CLYDE puts the GPS back.

BONNIE
You’re funny. I’m Bonnie, by the way.

CLYDE
Clyde.

BONNIE
That’s ironic.

CLYDE
How so?

BONNIE
You know, Bonnie & Clyde.

CLYDE
I guess that does have a ring to it. I suppose you ran away from home?

BONNIE
I’m forty-four.

CLYDE
You don’t look it.

BONNIE
Thank you. I’m on a road trip. Sort of. I recently got laid off, my husband left me for my best friend, and I got my car stolen. Out of a K-Mart parking lot. I decided enough was enough, I’m leaving town, going across America, doing whatever. What about you? What puts you on the road?

CLYDE
Exactly the same thing, as a matter of fact. Except it was Wal-Mart, not K-Mart.

BONNIE
You’re not crazy or anything, are you? I’d hate for my first hitchhiking experience to end in murder, you know?

CLYDE
Yeah.

BONNIE
You are crazy?

CLYDE
No, I meant I know what you’re saying.

BONNIE
Oh, good. But, you’re not crazy?

CLYDE
No, ma’am.

BONNIE
I’m sorry if this is off-putting in any way, but, you have a very warm presence. Has anyone ever told you that?

FLASHBACK:
INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL
CLYDE walks through the hallways with a cigarette in his mouth. Several people walk past him.

MANDY
Clyde, you have a very warm presence today.

MICHELLE
Hey Clyde, warm presence, much?

CASSIE
Hey Coolie, lovin’ that warm presence of yours.

MISS BANKS
I’m giving an A to whoever has the warmest presence today. What a surprise, it’s Cool Clyde! See you second period.

BANGER
What’s up, bro? You have a very warm presence, no homo.

KIP
Hey C. You have a very warm presence. That’s it.

END FLASHBACK

CLYDE
No.

BONNIE
Well you do.

CLYDE
Thanks.

BONNIE
Where are we going?

CLYDE
Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts.

BONNIE
I’ve never been there. But, I’m up for it if you don’t mind listening to me yap for the next nine hours.

CLYDE
It’s fine.

BONNIE
Before I got fired I was a secretary at a law firm. What do you do?

CLYDE
I sing. I go to school. I drag race.

BONNIE
I mean as a job.

CLYDE
I don’t have a job.

BONNIE
Oh, aren’t you old enough?

CLYDE
I’m old enough. People give me money. I don’t need to work.

BONNIE
People give you money? No way.

CLYDE
Well they don’t anymore. I used to be cool, Bonnie. The coolest you ever seen. I smoked a pack a day, drank a beer an hour, had a girlfriend a week, that all came to a halt. Now because of my reckless antics I’m in a very serious deposition. That’s why I’m on the road, Bon Bon.

BONNIE
If it matters, I think you’re cool.

CLYDE
It doesn’t.

EXT. MICK’S FAMILY RESTAURANT
CLYDE parks. CLYDE and BONNIE enter the restaurant.

INT. MICK’S FAMILY RESTAURANT
CLYDE and BONNIE sit at a table with water and bread.

BONNIE
Thanks again for picking me up, and tolerating me.

CLYDE
It’s nothing.

BONNIE
You’re sweet.

CLYDE
Waitress!

DEBBIE walks to CLYDE and BONNIE.

DEBBIE
Hi, I’m Debbie, I’ll be your waitress for this evening, can I start you off with any appetizers?

CLYDE
No, I think we’re - 

BONNIE
Stuffed mushrooms, fried zucchini, cheese sticks, potato skins, and mild chicken wings.

DEBBIE
Okay. Bleu cheese with the wings?

BONNIE
Please.

DEBBIE
It’ll be up in a minute.

DEBBIE walks away.

CLYDE
I thought you got laid off.

BONNIE
Tell me about your sunglasses, you’ve never taken them off.

CLYDE
I got them at a truck stop in New Jersey.

BONNIE
Cool. Let me ask you something, why did you pick me up?

CLYDE
You’re hot.

BONNIE
But you have no intention of dating me, do you? I’m old enough to be your mom.

CLYDE
No.

BONNIE
Then why does the way I look matter?

CLYDE
Well, when you’re not looking, I can glance over and stare at you, for one.

BONNIE
Is that it?

CLYDE
No, I said for one. So that means there’s other things.

BONNIE
Okay. I have to go to the little girl’s room, I’ll be right back. If Debbie comes back, get me a sierra mist.

BONNIE walks away.
CLYDE sits patiently, his cell phone rings, he answers it.

CLYDE (on phone)
Hello? Hi Julie. Yeah, I’m fine. How did you get this number? Okay, you could have just asked your son. Why don’t you untie my father and let him out of your basement. Thanks, Julie. Yeah, I love you too, but not as much.

BONNIE runs to CLYDE with blood on her shirt, holding a gun and a garbage bag.

BONNIE
Clyde, we’ve got to get out of here now! Debbie’s dead and I’ve got over twenty thousand dollars in this bag!

CLYDE
Check, please.

BONNIE
Didn’t you hear me? Debbie’s dead! I killed her! We’ve got to get out of here!

CLYDE
No, I heard you. It’s just a funny thing to say. Because of everything that you said and then, never mind.

CLYDE and BONNIE run out.

INT. THE MUSTANG
CLYDE drives down an open road with BONNIE.

CLYDE
So, you were the crazy one, huh?

BONNIE
I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.

CLYDE
No. That kind of thing happens to me all the time. Now I get the Bonnie & Clyde joke.

BONNIE
Listen, I said I was sorry. You can let me out if you want.

CLYDE
No. You’re still hot, there’s no denying that.

BONNIE
Thank you, Clyde.

CLYDE
Yep.

Awkward silence.

BONNIE
Sixteen.

CLYDE
Excuse me?

BONNIE
I’ve killed sixteen people.

CLYDE
In the restaurant?

BONNIE
No, total.

CLYDE
Oh, that’s still horrific, but not as bad.

BONNIE
I’m a bad person. I know. I find that if I can admit I have a problem, then somehow I’ll get cured.

CLYDE
Doubt it, babe.

BONNIE
Don’t call me babe.

CLYDE
Don’t murder our waitress!

Silence, BONNIE slightly cries.

CLYDE
Sorry, you didn’t deserve that. Well you did, but, I’m cool with you being a murderer. You wouldn’t murder me. We’re friends. Right? Right, Bonnie?

BONNIE
Sure, we’re buds.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAYS
MR. WASHINGTON runs through the hallways frantically and is stopped by BANGER.

BANGER
Hey, you’re the guy on the wall.

MR. WASHINGTON
What?

BANGER
In the front of the school, you’re the guy on the wall.

MR. WASHINGTON
I’m the principal, Mr. Washington. We’ve met on numerous occasions, Andrew.

BANGER puts MR. WASHINGTON in a strangle hold.

BANGER
You watch your mouth, old man. The name’s Banger. You got it? No one calls me Andrew. No one! … Except my mom. And my dad. And my little brother, Amos. No one else!

MR. WASHINGTON
Okay, okay.

BANGER releases MR. WASHINGTON.

BANGER
Okay?

MR. WASHINGTON
Okay.

BANGER
What brings you near this part of the school, anyway?

MR. WASHINGTON
I’m looking for Cool Clyde, or anyone with information about him.

BANGER
I’ve got information. He was born twice, September 9, 1991, and January 24, 1992. His hobbies include being cool, grieving over his dead mom, throwing parties, and being cool.

MR. WASHINGTON
You said being cool twice.

BANGER
He deserves it.

MR. WASHINGTON
I meant information about where he is right now. There’s a lot of confused new students that don’t know where to go, Clyde’s supposed to show them around, not to mention the battle of the bands is tomorrow and without him, there’s no battle. It’s just one band.

BANGER
I’m afraid I can’t tell you where he is. I made a pact.

MR. WASHINGTON
I tried his cell phone, I just get a his voicemail of him singing along to Billy Squier’s “The Stroke.”

BANGER
Yeah, that’s classic. Mr. Washington you seem like a nice guy, so here’s what I’m going to do. I’m giving you this number.

BANGER takes out a piece of paper from his pocket and writes a number on it. He hands the paper to MR. WASHINGTON.

BANGER
This is Clyde’s personal pen phone. That’s right, a pen phone. He has a phone that is disguised as an ordinary ballpoint pen. He’s only used it twice. Once to get out of paying a parking ticket downtown, and another time to kill a trained assassin. Don’t ask me how he does it. But if you’ve got a matter of urgent importance, you call this number, my friend. You call the heck out of this number.

MR. WASHINGTON
I’ll do that. Thank you, Andrew.

BANGER tackles MR. WASHINGTON.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - MR. WASHINGTON’S OFFICE
MR. WASHINGTON sits in his office with a black eye, and a bruised face. He is on the phone.

MR. WASHINGTON (phone)
Hello, Clyde? What? Mario’s Pizza? No, no, this is 555-COOL? You’re kidding. Give me a large double dough with mushrooms and olives. I have a coupon for a free two liter as well. It’s expired. Is that okay?

EXT. GAS STATION - SOMEWHERE IN EAST OHIO
CLYDE stands next to the mustang, pumping gas.
BONNIE gets out of the passenger seat.

BONNIE
Clyde, I’m getting some M&M’s.

CLYDE nods.
BONNIE goes inside the gas station.
CLYDE quickly hangs up the nozzle and gets in the car.
He floors it and leaves as BONNIE runs out of the gas station screaming.

INT. THE MUSTANG
CLYDE speeds away from the gas station.

CLYDE
To Massachusetts!

EXT. THE MUSTANG
“Holiday Road” by Lindsey Buckingham plays as shots of the Mustang and various states are shown and CLYDE driving through them.

EXT. MARTHA’S VINEYARD FERRY
CLYDE drives to the Martha’s Vineyard ferry. It just left.
He gets out of the car and slaps the roof.

CLYDE
Mother!

CLYDE gets in the car, and floors it, he tries to jump from shore onto the ferry, but misses. He climbs out of the car and swims to Martha’s Vineyard. Sopping wet, he wanders around. Finally reaching the gravesite of John Belushi. He lays next to it, out of breath.

CLYDE
Finally. John. I need you. I need you more than ever.

JOHN appears.
CLYDE gets up.

JOHN
Cool Clyde, is that you? What are you doing at the Vineyard?

CLYDE
I needed to ask you something, John. You’re the only one I can turn to at this time.

JOHN
You came all the way here to ask me a question?

CLYDE
Yes.

JOHN
Clyde, do you remember when you first seen me?

CLYDE
Of course, you were in my mirror.

JOHN
Yeah, yeah I was. So you could of just went there again.

CLYDE
I thought you left.

JOHN
I’m a ghost. I can be in your mirror, I could be here, I could be in a women’s locker room, You traveled this far, for pretty much no reason, Cool Clyde.

CLYDE
Son of a bee sting, you’re right. John, do I take the test of perform at the battle of the bands? Just tell me.

JOHN
Do what your heart tells you, or something.

CLYDE
That’s it?

JOHN
What’s that in your pocket?

CLYDE takes out his cell phone.

CLYDE
It’s my cell.

JOHN
You gonna eat that?

CLYDE
It’s a two hundred dollar phone.

JOHN
Yeah, so?

CLYDE
No, I’m not eating it.

JOHN
Do you mind?

CLYDE
I do mind, John Belushi! It’s my cell phone! Now what do I do? Take the test or play with my band? Pick one!

JOHN
You’re barking up the wrong dead celebrity.

CLYDE
You’re all I have. Tell me.

JOHN
Clyde, I think you know the answer.

JOHN disappears.

CLYDE
I don’t know the answer! I wouldn’t be here if I did! John! Come on, man! Come on! Come back!

CLYDE sits next to JOHN’S grave for a little bit, then looks at his phone. It reads “six missed calls from Jenny.”

CLYDE
I know what to do.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM
A large crowd has gathered in the auditorium, including every single living character in the movie.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAYS
JET, JEAN PAUL, and BANGER are confronted by THE PAPERMATES.

THE PAPERMATES LEAD SINGER
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Valence Smellectrons.
JET
Shut your mouth, man. We’re gonna kick your butt tonight.

THE PAPERMATES GUITARIST
Not without your precious Cool Clyde.

JEAN PAUL
What’s he talking about?

THE PAPERMATES DRUMMER
Oh, your boyfriend didn’t tell you? He’s taking a test instead.

BANGER
What?

JET
Yeah, Clyde has to take a placement test, so he can still go here next year. Sorry I didn’t tell you guys.

THE PAPERMATES LEAD SINGER
Good luck losers, we’re up next. Come on guys.

THE PAPERMATES leave.

JEAN PAUL
Jet, why didn’t you tell us? What are we going to do? We don’t have a lead singer.

JET
I don’t know, man.

BANGER
I could sing. I’m the next Phil Collins.

JET and JEAN PAUL shake their heads in disagreement.
GORDON enters.

GORDON
Guys, I think I can help you out.

EXT. RAYMAR AUTO DEALERSHIP - MASSACHUSETTS
CLYDE looks at a 1969 Black Pontiac GTO, the sticker says $5000. TERRY RUSSO approaches CLYDE.

TERRY RUSSO
That’s a great car.

CLYDE
Hm?

TERRY
Name’s Terry Russo. How the heck are you?

TERRY shakes hands with CLYDE.

CLYDE
I’m okay. I could use John Belushi’s ghost right now, but I’m good.

TERRY
Right. (brief silence) I see you’re looking at the ‘69 GTO.

CLYDE
It’s beautiful.

TERRY
Of course it is. It’s got a Ram Air three engine, Rally two wheels, a Hurst shifter, and an over three hundred and fifty horsepower V8 engine.

CLYDE
I’d be a fool not to buy this car.

TERRY
I’d certainly say you would be, sir.

CLYDE
Do you accept the currency of love?

TERRY
I can’t say that I do.

CLYDE
Then this will have to do.

CLYDE knees TERRY in the groin and high jacks the GTO.

EXT. GTO
CLYDE drives only a short distance, then the GTO breaks down. He gets out of the car, looks and sees TERRY running towards him, CLYDE runs inside a shed, a DeLorean bursts out of the shed. SONG, “The Power Of Love” by Huey Lewis & The News plays as CLYDE drives along in the DeLorean.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM
THE PAPERMATES perform “Land Down Under” receiving huge applause. 
EXT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL
CLYDE crudely parks the DeLorean as a small bit of “The Power Of Love” is played. CLYDE gets out, looks around, and smells the air.

CLYDE
Yeah, this is nice.

THE PAPERMATES exit the stage and laugh at THE VALENCE ELECTRONS.

THE PAPERMATES LEAD SINGER
Have fun not winning.

JEAN PAUL, BANGER, and JET take the stage and assemble their instruments.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - MR. WASHINGTON’S OFFICE
CLYDE takes a saw to MR. WASHINGTON’S door and enters.

CLYDE
I’m taking the test.

MR. WASHINGTON
Great. Have a seat.

INT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL - AUDITORIUM
GORDON steps on the stage receiving mixed reactions.

GORDON
Hi, I know I’m not Cool Clyde. And I also know he’s probably the last person you want to see right now. He quit smoking and drinking. He studied. And right now he’s actually taking a test. Something, Clyde has never done before. But you know what, you guys have no right to be mad at him. Because you know why he did all that. For you. Clyde’s only goal was to coast through life with no direction at all. To get whatever he wanted just because of his appearance, to get married numerous times, until he quote ‘got bored of his current spouse.’ And then die of a drug overdose at the tender age of thirty three. But then he found out, if he didn’t pass a placement test, he wasn’t going to be able to stay at Shermer West. So he’s taking that test and trying his best because he doesn’t want to leave you guys behind. Houlihan, when your sister got arrested for DUI, who bailed her out?

HOULIHAN
Clyde did.

GORDON
Mandy, when you found out you were pregnant, who was the first person to offer to pay for your abortion?

MANDY
Clyde was.

GORDON
Kip, when your dad was hit by a semi-truck, who paid for the funeral cost?

KIP
Clyde did. But he was also driving the truck.

GORDON
So, he takes responsibility for his actions. And who beat the crap out of me with a baseball bat, apologized days later and told me to fill in for him in the battle of the bands tonight?

GORDON / CROWD
Clyde did!

CROWD cheers.
GORDON
So let’s not think of me as a replacement, think of me as a tribute. A tribute to the greatest man alive. Cool Clyde. (turns to the band) Bitburg, boys.

THE VALENCE ELECTRONS nod in approval.
THE VALENCE ELECTRONS with GORDON perform “My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down (Bonzo Goes To Bitburg)” as shots of CLYDE taking his test are shown with shots of GORDON rocking out.

CROWD cheers and gives standing ovations.
MR. WASHINGTON steps on stage.

MR. WASHINGTON
Fantastic job, boys. The valence electrons, everyone. Now it’s time to announce the winner of this year’s battle of the bands.

CLYDE crashes his motorcycle from backstage, and onto the main stage. CLYDE gets off, steps towards the mic.

CLYDE
Hi. I’m sorry?

CROWD cheers triumphantly.

CLYDE
Alright, cool. So, to show there’s no hard feelings, and we’re all friends, I’d like to propose that before Principal Edwards announces who won this year, we jam. What do you say boys?

THE PAPERMATES
No. / I don’t like that idea at all. / No way.

CLYDE
Okay. Plan B. Ladies and gentlemen, for two months I wasn’t attending this school. I wasn’t here. I left. There’s been a lot of rumors on where I left to. Some say I married an Indonesian woman briefly and raised a small child on a farm in Toledo. Others speculate that I died for two months and came back to life miraculously. But only I hold the truth. And it’s about time I shared it with my friends.

HOULIHAN
Go Cool Clyde! Tell is the truth!

CLYDE
I will, Houlihan. I returned home from school one day, like I always do.

During Clyde’s narration, a FLASHBACK is happening.

FLASHBACK:
CLYDE crashes his motorcycle through his house. WALTER goes to hug him, CLYDE pushes him aside. CLYDE takes out the mail from his leather jacket’s inside pocket. He shuffles through it until he finds a letter addressed to WALTER ELWOOD BIRMINGHAM, IV. He opens it and reads it.

CLYDE (narration over FLASHBACK)
I parked my motorcycle, said hello to my father and looked through the mail to see if my pen pal, Sanji wrote me back yet. He didn’t. But I did get a letter. It was addressed to my slave name, Walter Elwood Birmingham, IV. So I figured it must be important. It was from the United States Army. I was drafted to fight in the war.

FLASHBACK:
CLYDE sits on a bus filled with Army recruits.

CLYDE (narration)
And just like that, I was on the first bus to Fort Beggs. It was the first time in my life I had to do something I didn’t want to do.

FLASHBACK:
The bus pulls up the Fort Beggs, everyone piles out.

CLYDE (narration)
I didn’t like the feeling.

FLASHBACK:
CLYDE sits on the top bunk, RORY BIRUM sits on the bottom.

CLYDE
So I guess it’s off to Iraq tomorrow?

RORY BIRUM
Iraq? We’re not lucky enough, buddy.

CLYDE
What do you mean?

RORY
You didn’t read that letter all the way through, did you?

CLYDE
I only read the first page of things. It’s how I am.

RORY
Well then I feel sorry for you, Birmingham.

CLYDE
It’s Cool Clyde. I accept nothing more or less.

RORY
You can call me Rad Rory, then.

CLYDE
Nice. I will from now on.

RORY
Good.

CLYDE
Great.

RORY
Splendid.

CLYDE
Fantastic.

RORY
Alright.

Lights out.

INT. HELICOPTER
CLYDE sits, in combat gear, with his aviators and a cigarette in his mouth, in between LEIF BIRCH and RORY.

LEIF BIRCH
We’re here.

CLYDE
This is where we’re going?

EXT. HELICOPTER
Shots of London, England is shown as several U.S. Army helicopters hover and land.
CLYDE, LEIF, and RORY exit the helicopter.

CLYDE
You’re kidding.

RORY
Welcome to England, Cool Clyde.

CLYDE stands astonished as everyone else marches past him.
An explosion occurs in the background, causing CLYDE to run.

MONTAGE: SONG, “For What It‘s Worth” by Buffalo Springfield plays. SLOW MOTION: CLYDE’S troop walks through town. Miscellaneous shots of the war. Different angles capture explosions and shootings. CLYDE goes for a sip of beer and his beer can is shot. CLYDE runs through a minefield, dodging explosions. RORY trips on a rock. CLYDE tapes his beer can, goes for a sip, it gets shot again. CLYDE rushes to RORY’S side as the song fades. 

CLYDE
Rory, what happened?

RORY
I twisted my ankle, Clyde, take me to the medic.

CLYDE
Sure. Yeah. I can do that.

CLYDE carries RORY through town.
CLYDE’S phone rings.

CLYDE
I’ve got to get that.

RORY
Are you serious right now, Clyde?

CLYDE
I’m sorry, Rory, it could be a hot chick.

CLYDE drops RORY.

RORY
Ah!

CLYDE answers his phone.

CLYDE (on phone)
This is the king. AT&T. Matter of fact, I have been thinking of switching. That much cheaper? I don’t know how I could say no. Sure, it’s nine three one - 

TWO ENGLISHMEN stand down the road.

ENGLISHMAN #1
Did you hear that? Someone screamed mother.

ENGLISHMAN #2
I thought I heard that, I did.

ENGLISHMAN #1
Maybe it’s those bloody Americans, let’s go. Come on.

ENGLISHMAN #2 stands with his arms crossed as ENGLISHMAN #1 walks away. ENGLISHMAN #1 comes back.

ENGLISHMAN #1
Let’s go, please.

ENGLISHMAN #2
That wasn’t so hard, was it?

CLYDE stands over RORY, still on his phone.

RORY
Clyde, I think I hear footsteps, please, I need help.

CLYDE
Cool it, Rory, I’m almost done.

THE ENGLISHMEN spot CLYDE and RORY.

CLYDE (on phone)
Sorry, you need my address again? Sure.

THE ENGLISHMEN rush towards them.

RORY
Clyde! Clyde!

RORY tries to run but falls.
CLYDE still talks on the phone.

End of FLASHBACK.

CLYDE
We were held captive for six agonizing weeks. I survived using my powerful people skills and trickery. Rory didn’t make it. I wish I was drafted now instead of then. I know so much more and I probably could of saved him. I probably could have saved Barb Winkle, too. For that matter, I probably could have also saved the hundreds in that I-55 accident. I’ve murdered so many.

The audience sits stunned.
KEVIN, in a full body cast, sits in the front row.
COACH JACKSON starts a slow clap. Everyone follows.

MR. WASHINGTON
Thank you, Clyde. Now ladies and gentlemen, the clear winner of tonight’s battle of the bands, The Valence Electrons!

Huge applause and balloons.
JENNY runs on stage and hugs CLYDE.

JENNY
I’m so proud of you.

CLYDE
Ditto, kid.

JENNY and CLYDE kiss.
MR. WASHINGTON walks towards CLYDE.

MR. WASHINGTON
Clyde, good news, you passed.

CLYDE
It seems unlikely that my test would be sent to the district, authorized, graded, and sent back this quickly.

MR. WASHINGTON
Actually, Clyde, the superintendent was in the crowd, he heard your speech and allowed you to stay based solely on that.

CLYDE
What a guy.

ZOOM IN on the SUPERINTENDENT in the crowd, giving a thumbs up. The SUPERINTENDENT is a man who looks like CLYDE in a bald cap, with glasses and a moustache.
CLYDE gives him the thumbs up back.

CLYDE
Electrons, assemble!

COOL CLYDE and THE VALENCE ELECTRONS perform “Rock & Roll High School” receiving a huge applause.

FADE TO BLACK
TEXT: THE FOLLOWING SUMMER.

FADE IN:

EXT. 7-11
CLYDE stands in front of 7-11 drinking beer.
Two women enter the store, CLYDE nods at them.
JET walks next to CLYDE.

JET
Hey man, what’s up?

CLYDE
Nothin‘. Just chillin’.

JET
I thought you quit drinking.

CLYDE
That was just for that week.

JET
Oh. How’s Jenny?

CLYDE
We split up.

JET
Why?

CLYDE
There’s too many of them, Jet. Too many girls. I can’t stay with just one.

JET
Feel like buying me a slurpee?

CLYDE
Not even a little.

CLYDE enters 7-11, JET follows.

SONG, “Don‘t You Forget About Me” by Simple Minds plays as there is a window view of CLYDE filling up two slurpees and setting them on the counter, JET talking to him on the way.

EXT. SHERMER WEST HIGH SCHOOL
SONG continues to play as CLYDE walks out of the school and puts his fist in the air, PAUSE.

TEXT on bottom of screen: Clyde dated every single girl in the entire world. Then Jenny again. After they accepted each other’s flaws, they got married. In Toledo. But soon divorced after Clyde realized what a horrible mistake he made. Clyde currently lives out of an Ambulance and travels America giving motivational speeches to high schools.

SONG ends.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

SONG, “Cool Jerk” by The Capitols plays as outtakes are shown.

FADE OUT:

“My Brain Is Hanging Upside Down (Bonzo Goes To Bitburg)” by The Ramones plays as CREDITS ROLL then end.

FADE IN:

INT. CLIFTON FUNERAL COLISEUM
JET, BANGER, JEAN PAUL, and JENNY stand around a closed coffin.

JENNY
I’m really going to miss him. Clyde was the perfect gentleman.

JET
I can’t believe he’s gone. But I did see him drive his motorcycle off the Sears tower and into a shark tank. So actually, I can believe it, but it’s still sad.

BANGER
He had so much more to do.

JEAN PAUL
Yes, but he did do a lot already with his life.

BANGER
That’s true.

JEAN PAUL
He was so cool.

JET
You know, that’s how his mom died. Right after he was born, she took one look and died. He was just too cool to visualize. His mom was weak.

BANGER
He was born with sunglasses on, right?

JET
Sunglasses and sideburns right out of the womb.

JENNY
He solved a Rubik’s cube in 6.2 seconds.

JET
He shot Seabiscuit.

BANGER
He never learned to read. It just happened one day.

JEAN PAUL
He broke the speed of sound on his bike. Twice. At age six.

JENNY
He had a guest spot on Dawson’s Creek.

JET
You know he invented the word, Criticism.

BANGER
He was married to Britney Spears for eleven minutes.

JEAN PAUL
He once ate an entire live moose, antlers and all.

JET
There were eight lifetime movies inspired by Clyde.

JENNY
Clyde once taught a dog to play the guitar. And Clyde didn’t even know how to play the guitar.

BANGER
Clyde was my step-dad.

JET
Mine too.

JEAN PAUL
He once spent seven years in a Turkish prison, was fed nothing but cow eyes and acorns, he didn’t bathe, and after he was released, he looked the same as he did seven years before.

JET
Clyde bought me Texas.

JENNY
Clyde once told me a fairy tale. The next day, it came true.

BANGER
Clyde has literally killed people with kindness.

JEAN PAUL
He punched Macaulay Culkin. When he was young and adorable.

JET
He once circled the globe in a hot air balloon.

JEAN PAUL
He wasn’t afraid of anything. Not even fear itself.

BANGER
He planned his own funeral.

JENNY
He dated Alicia Silverstone for ten months.

JEAN PAUL
He dated Queen Elizabeth for eleven months.

BANGER
He named a beer after me.

JET
The devil sold his soul to Cool Clyde.

JEAN PAUL
Clyde never sneezed.

JENNY
His favorite number was Strawberry. No one ever questioned it.

JET
He once snorted a small kitten.

BANGER
No one knows how old he is.

JEAN PAUL
No matter how old, he lived more in his life than people that have lived to 100.

JENNY
Amen to that.

CLYDE enters.

CLYDE
Okay, Jenny, show some more emotion, I almost married you, Jet, we were best friends, really concentrate on our memories, Jean Paul, Banger, put your hearts into this, guys. Your buddy, Clyde, is dead. Alright, Patrick, take five.

PATRICK gets out of the coffin.

PATRICK
Thanks, C.C.

FADE TO BLACK.
									TEXT IN WHITE:
DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF BARBARA ANN “BARB” WINKLE