Better Days

Episode 5.5
“The Intruder”

written by:
Robert G. Newcomer (Bert)

Inspired by the series and characters
created by Steven Cameron

FADE IN:

EXT. JASON’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Moving slowly across the yard, approaching the house, as seen through the eyeholes of a mask.  Heavy breathing.  

Up the steps.  On the porch now.  Creeping.  Breathing.  Stopping to peer through a lit window.

THROUGH THE WINDOW

John sits at the kitchen table reading the sports page.

He marks his picks with a crayon while eating an obscenely large bowl of chocolate pudding.

A huge can of pudding -- gallon-size -- sits on the table beside him.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Jason, Kenny, Barbara, and Danielle each occupy one side of a square table.  They are playing Scrabble.

Jason and the girls stare impatiently at Kenny.

JASON
Whose idea was this?

Kenny now lays his tiles with a flourish.

KENNY
Jejune!  On a triple word score.
That’s 40 points suckas!

BARBARA
It’s 60 points you home-schooled
radish.

KENNY
Even better!

DANIELLE
Jejune...it’s pretty.  What’s
it mean?

KENNY
I don’t know.  I don’t have to.
Definitions are for suckers.

JASON
Wait a minute.  That has 2 J’s.

KENNY
So?

Barbara eyes Kenny suspiciously. 

JASON
There is only one J in the whole
game, asshole.  How stupid do you
think we are?  

Kenny shakes the bag of tiles.

KENNY
The bag is a mystery.  I have no
control if the gods of Scrabble
smile upon me.

Barbara suddenly leaps from her chair, tackling Kenny and knocking him to the ground.

She begins rummaging through his pockets.

BARBARA
He’s cheating!  You little prick!
Look!  His pockets are full of tiles!

Barbara extracts a handful of S tiles.

DANIELLE
That’s just pathetic.

Jason pushes away from the table in disgust.

JASON
I don’t even want to play anymore.
Now the whole game is suspect.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

John looks up with a start as the mysterious masked intruder bursts in through the kitchen door.

The intruder is tall and thin and dressed entirely in black.

And the intruder is wearing a Powerpuff Girls mask.

Bubbles, to be exact.

John sizes up this odd stranger, then shakes his head.
 
JOHN
You could only be looking for the
folks downstairs, sweetheart.

John hooks his thumb towards the basement.

As the intruder makes his way downstairs, John returns to his pudding.

FADE OUT.

Opening Sequence

FADE IN.

INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT

Jason flips on the television and flumps down onto the futon.  Barbara releases her grip on Kenny’s neck.

BARBARA
I thought we were going to do
something different tonight.

Kenny looks up from the floor at BUBBLES THE INTRUDER, now descending the stairs.

KENNY
That’s different.

The rest of the group now turns towards the staircase.

As Bubbles lumbers down the stairs, he reaches into his waistband and pulls out a large, gleaming kitchen knife.

BUBBLES
Nobody move.  Just stay where
you are.

DANIELLE
Aren’t those kind of the same
thing?

BUBBLES
Shut-up!  Quit gabbing!

DANIELLE
Now, see...those are the same
thing, too.

Bubbles whirls on her with the knife.  

BUBBLES
Do I look like I’m fooling around,
sister?  I am here to steal shit,
and you fools better recognize!

KENNY
But, dude...you’re a Powerpuff Girl.

BUBBLES
Look.  Halloween’s not for six
months.  It’s all they had, OK?

JASON
You’re not even one of the
good ones.

BUBBLES
It was this or Spongebob.  And
he just looked too...happy.

DANIELLE
Yeah.  Robbery is such a sad
and lonely profession.

BARBARA
At least Spongebob is a male...

KENNY
Spongebob is an ass.  At least
the Powerpuff Girls can command
some respect.
(to Jason)
I used to know this guy in jail
who would draw them naked.

BUBBLES
Look.  Forget the mask.  This
is a robbery!  Let’s concentrate
on that.

They continue to discuss, pretty much ignoring Bubbles.

DANIELLE
(to Kenny)
That’s disgusting.

KENNY
No.  He was talented.  I mean,
sure the guy was kind of a perv...
but they looked really good.

BARBARA
They’re a foot tall, Kenny.

JASON
Please tell me we’ll be done
talking about this soon.

KENNY
(recalling dreamily)
There was just something about
those round, little bodies...

KENNY’S IMAGINATION 

Kenny is in his underwear.  He smiles as the Powerpuff girls hover around him, naked and giggling.

The scene darkens as Mojo Jojo enters and laughs maniacally.

He is wearing only a towel around his waist, which barely conceals his enormous monkey erection.

MOJO JOJO
Let’s see what else you learned
in prison, Kenny!

Kenny’s eyes grow wide as Mojo Jojo suddenly snatches off the towel and...

BACK TO SCENE

Kenny abruptly awakens from his daydream.

KENNY
Yeah.  We’re done with that.

BUBBLES
OK.  Everybody got that?  We are
done talking about the mask.  New
rule.  The next one who mentions
the mask is Tender Vittles.

JASON
Yeah.  Fine.  Take what you want
and just get out of here.

KENNY
What?  You are just going to
let this fool march in here and
start taking stuff?

JASON
What’s he gonna take?

BUBBLES
Where’s your wallet?

Jason points to the desk.

Bubbles steps over to the desk, snatches the wallet and forages through its contents.

BUBBLES
Six movie stubs...and a blood
donor card?  That’s it?

JASON
There should be a condom behind
that other flap.  But it’s kind
of old.

DANIELLE
You give blood?  That’s so sweet.

Bubbles flings the wallet in disgust, now moving to a dresser and pulling open the drawers.

JASON
I’m O-negative.  Anybody can use
it.  They call me all the time
and guilt me into it.  I actually
wish they’d stop.

KENNY
He is such a pussy about it!  You
should see him.  He gets all pale
and shakes like this.

Kenny trembles like an epileptic.

Bubbles slams one drawer shut and pulls open another.

BUBBLES
Would you guys please shut-up?!

And they do, for the moment.

Bubbles continues to rummage, now flinging a handful of boxer shorts.  One of them lands beside Barbara.

The front reads “Home of the Whopper”.

BARBARA
Ha!  You’ve got to be kidding.

Jason snatches them up.

JASON
My grandma bought me those.
(to Danielle)
I never wear them.

DANIELLE
Your grandmother buys you
“Home of the Whopper”
underwear?

Jason shrugs.

KENNY
She ought to know.

Having found nothing of interest, Bubbles slams shut the last dresser drawer.

Bubbles brandishes the knife anew, stepping over to them and trembling with rage.
BUBBLES
Jesus!  Do you idiots ever shut
up?  You’re driving me insane!
(to Jason)
Listen.  Do you have one fucking
thing in this room that is worth
anything?  Anything at all?

Jason looks around the basement, considering.

JASON
That’s an interesting question.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE – NIGHT

Gretchen stands before the Slurpee machine.

GRETCHEN
Ummm...Slurpee.

IN ANOTHER PART OF THE STORE

Casey stands before a display of comic books with a cigarette dangling from his lips.

He looks upset as he ruffles through the titles.

Gretchen approaches him, now sucking on a purple Slurpee the size of a large popcorn tub.

CASEY
This store sucks ass.

CLERK (O.S.)
I heard that!

GRETCHEN
What’s the matter, baby?

CASEY
The first issue of Banana Chan
is supposed to be coming out today,
but I don’t see a single one.

Casey continues to rummage, more violently now, knocking a few of the magazines to the floor.

The clerk now steps up to Casey.

CLERK
There is no smoking in my store!

Casey turns toward the Clerk.

CASEY
Do you have any more Banana Chan?

CLERK
(leans in close)
There is no smoking in my store!!

Casey plucks the cigarette from his lips and crunches it out in Gretchen’s Slurpee.

GRETCHEN
Eww...

CASEY
Do you have any more Banana Chan?

CLERK
I am all sold out.  I’m afraid
my last copy was claimed by your
degenerate friends.

Casey grits his teeth.

CASEY
(under his breath)
Jason!

The clerk hands Casey an alternate title.  The cover to this one reads “The Fempiror Chronicles”.

CLERK
Try this one.

CASEY
What the hell is this?

CLERK
It’s vampires.  Only different.

CASEY
Why would I want to read what
some pencil-neck convenience
store clerk reads while he is
supposed to be counting the
Slim Jims?
CLERK
Because it’s good.

CASEY
Since when does that matter?

Gretchen takes a loud slurp of Slurpee.

CASEY
Do you have something like Boogeyman
versus that chick in “The Ring”...now
that is something I could read, man!

Casey ponders this match-up...

CASEY’S IMAGINATION

The Boogeyman is in a recliner watching television when Samara starts to crawl out of the picture tube.

The Boogeyman pulls a large chain saw from behind his seat and cuts her head off.

Black blood spews from her neck like a fountain.

BACK TO SCENE

CASEY
That would rule!

The clerk snatches back the comic book.

CLERK
Get out of my store!  You
are a ridiculous boy-child
and I hate you.

CASEY
So when are you getting more
Banana Chan?

CLERK
It does not matter.  You are never
welcome in my store.

CASEY
(to himself)
Man...I’ve gotta see that book.
(to Gretchen)
C’mon.  Let’s get outta this
sorry pisshole.

Casey drags Gretchen after him.

GRETCHEN
(waving to Clerk)
Bye.  Have a nice night!

The clerk shakes his fist.

CLERK
Never return!  Do you hear me?

INT. BASEMENT – NIGHT

Jason’s room has been turned upside down.  Every drawer emptied and every paper scattered.

Bubbles pants, out of breath.

BUBBLES
You have got to be the biggest
loser I have ever met!  You have
no money.  You have no jewelry.
No valuables of any kind!  You
don’t have anything that anybody
would possibly want.

JASON
Hey, you picked me, alright?
Let’s not get personal here.
(Nods to Danielle)
You know, they’ve got tons of nice
stuff right next door.  And there
isn’t even anybody home.

DANIELLE
Hey!

BARBARA
(to Bubbles)
You’re not really very good at
this, are you?

Bubbles turns away from the group in despair.  But then he notices the posters on Jason’s wall.

BUBBLES
Hey...what’s this?

Bubbles steps over to the wall and leans in close, examining the poster for “Red Phoenix and the Seven Keys to Atlantis.”
 
BUBBLES
This one is signed!

JASON
Um...no it isn’t.

Arcadio’s signature is prominent in a lower corner.

BUBBLES
(Pointing)
Yes it is!  It says Arcadio.
Right there!

KENNY
No...they all have that.  Really.

BUBBLES
No they don’t.  I’ve seen this
movie six times, and I know a
signed poster when I see one. 

Bubbles reaches for the poster.

BUBBLES
I am taking this.

Jason steps up to Bubbles.  As Jason speaks, the “Indiana Jones” theme begins to waft over his impassioned plea.

JASON
Wait a minute, Bubbles...you asked
if I had anything of value.  You
said I have nothing.  And that is
nearly true.  But I do have something.
I have this signed Arcadio poster.
One small thing that gives my life
some greater purpose.  One small thing
to bring a small taste of joy into this
cold, cruel world that I sense you know
so well.
(MORE)
JASON (CONT’D)
If there is any goodness in you at
all, I ask that you spare my signed
Arcadio poster.  For if you take this
poster, you might as well rip out my
very heart.

Bubbles stares at Jason as the music fades.  Then he turns back to the poster.

BUBBLES
Oh, yeah.  This is mine.

Bubbles begins to rip down the poster, releasing the corners one at a time.

With each rip, Jason reacts as if struck by a bullet.

Rip.

JASON
Ahh!
(rip)
Augh!
(rip)
Ack!
(rip)
Oh...

Jason clutches his chest and collapses to the floor.

Kenny races to his fallen friend.

KENNY
You bastard!  You killed Jason!

INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT

Casey and Gretchen enter the kitchen.  John is still at the table spooning pudding, his mouth rimmed with chocolate.

JOHN
Hey!  You kids want some pudding?

CASEY
Um...no?

JOHN
I got it at the Big Food today.
All the food is big!  Like the
kind they sell to restaurants.  

John regards his can with pride.

JOHN
A fucking gallon of pudding!
Imagine that.

CASEY
Yeah.  We’re here to see Jason.
Is he home?

John unleashes a ghastly, resonant burp.

JOHN
In the basement.  Like always.

GRETCHEN
Is that downstairs?

John looks at Casey who shrugs.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Kenny kneels beside Jason, shaking him by the collar, attempting to rouse him.

KENNY
You know, Arcadio will just
give you another one.

JASON
Yeah.  I guess so.

Casey churns down the stairs like he owns the place.  Gretchen follows him down.

CASEY
All right!  Where is it?

Kenny drops Jason.  Jason’s head bangs to the floor.

JASON
Ow!

KENNY
Hi Casey.  Where’s what?

CASEY
The first issue of Banana Chan.
That shit-hook at the convenience
store said he sold you the last one.

BUBBLES
You have the first Banana Chan?
Where is it?

CASEY
Hey, me first dick-weed.

Casey turns to Bubbles, finally noticing him.

CASEY
What the fuck?

BUBBLES
One crack about the mask and you’re
fajita meat!  You got that?

BARBARA
(To Casey)
We’re being robbed.

DANIELLE
He’s kind of sensitive about the...
(Spelling now)
...M-A-S-K.

GRETCHEN
The what?

Bubbles brandishes the knife at Casey and Gretchen.

BUBBLES
Get over there with the rest
of them!

Casey is unimpressed.

CASEY
That’s no knife, bitch.

Casey rummages around in his pants, then, lightning-quick, he draws out a two-foot machete.

He points the gleaming tip at Bubbles.

CASEY
(Smiles)
Now this is a knife.

Casey is oblivious to the crimson bloodstain that now blossoms at his crotch, spreading fast.

KENNY
Um...Casey?  I think you’ve got
a problem.

CASEY
What?

BARBARA
(Pointing)
I think you sliced something.

Casey looks down, appalled at the widening bloodstain, now creeping down his leg.  He pales.

CASEY
Oh, Jesus.  My nut-sack.
I think I’m gonna be sick...

John now wanders downstairs with his giant can of pudding.

JOHN
Who wants pudding?

JASON
Um...Dad?  This isn’t really a
good time for that.

JOHN
Hell, it’s always a good time
for pudding!  I gotta quit eating
this, though, or I’m gonna be on
the crapper all day tomorrow.

John laughs and slaps Casey on the back.

JOHN
Now there’s an image for ya’, eh?

CASEY
Urp...

Casey grabs the can of pudding and vomits violently into it.
JOHN
Hey!  What the hell is wrong
with you, boy?

John snatches the can away from Casey.  Disgusted, he heads back upstairs.

JOHN
Asshole.  It’s a good thing
I’ve got another one.

Casey drops to the floor, moaning and clutching his balls.

BUBBLES
(to John)
Hey!  Where do you think
you’re going?

JOHN
Kiss my ass, Blondie.

John disappears upstairs.

Bubbles turns to the rest of the group.

BUBBLES
Well...nobody else move!  Now
how about the rest of you?
(Waves the knife)
What have you got?  Everybody
whip it out!

Gretchen lifts her top.  Casey’s eyes grow wide.

CASEY
Shit!  Don’t give me wood now,
bitch!  Something might tear.

Gretchen lowers her top.

GRETCHEN
But he said...

Barbara rolls her eyes, and then turns to bubbles.

BARBARA
Touch my purse and I’ll have
to kill you.  Simple as that.

DANIELLE
I didn’t even bring a purse.

Bubbles looks to Kenny.

Kenny drops into a ridiculous Ninja pose.

KENNY
If you’re looking this way, you
better be collecting hammerlocks
and broken legs.  ‘Cuz that’s
what you’re gonna get.

BUBBLES
Are you crazy?  I’ll kick your
scrawny ah...ah...AH-CHOO!

DANIELLE
Bless you.

Bubbles continues to sneeze violently.

Danielle continues to bless him each time.

BUBBLES
(between sneezes)
What the...?

Bubbles looks down to discover Warrior doing figure eights around his legs.

BUBBLES
Wha...?  Get this cat out of here!
I’m allergic to cats!
(sneezes)
Somebody give me a hand here...
(sneezes)

They all spend a long moment watching Bubbles as he continues to sneeze uncontrollably.

BARBARA
Oh, this is getting ridiculous.

Barbara rummages through her purse and pulls out a key-ring canister of mace.

She calmly steps over to the sneezing Bubbles and sprays it directly into his eyes.

BUBBLES
Ahh!!

Bubbles drops the knife and claws at his eyes.  Barbara takes the knife, then shoos Warrior away from Bubbles.

Then she rips off the mask.

Bubbles is now revealed as a gangly, dark-haired 18-year-old.

A red and white baseball cap -- a child’s cap, backwards and ridiculously small -- is fitted snugly onto his head.

KENNY
Hey.  I know that guy.

JASON
Oh my God.  It’s Ash!

BARBARA
Who?

DANIELLE
I’ll be damned.  Ash Ketchum.
I haven’t seen you in years.

ASH
(Angry, rubbing his eyes)
Of course not!  Nobody has!
	(Sniffles)
Now look what I’ve been reduced
to...stealing posters.

JASON
But you were huge.  What happened?

ASH
It took years...but I finally
caught them all.  Don’t you
see?  I caught them all!
(Near tears now)
But then what, man?  Then what?  

KENNY
Hey...c’mon man.  There’s
gotta be a ton of work for
somebody like you.  You’re a
proven talent.

ASH
Don’t you think I’ve tried?
Every day at the gym.  New hair.
Six months of martial arts.  But
those bastards at Ninja’s Curse
wouldn’t even give me an audition.
Nobody is interested in a washed
up Pokémaster.

Danielle motions to the red and white Pokéballs dangling from Ash’s belt.

DANIELLE
Hey, are those what I think
they are? 

ASH
(Excited now)
Why?  Do you want to battle?

DANIELLE
Oh...no.  That’s OK.  Really.

Ash sighs, disappointed.

Gretchen approaches Ash from behind.  She snatches a Pokéball from off his belt.

GRETCHEN
Ohh...these are pretty...

Ash spins.

ASH
Hey, those are dangerous!
Don’t press the...

With a flash of blinding light, Gretchen releases Charizard into the basement.

They all stare wide-eyed as the giant, orange lizard ROARS within the confines of the basement.

As Charizard stretches to full height, its head smashes through the basement ceiling into the kitchen above.

JOHN (O.S.)
Holy mother of shit!

EXT. JASON’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Another deafening ROAR.

Roiling balls of flame blow out the kitchen windows.

JOHN (O.S.)
Get that fucking dragon out of
my basement right now!

FADE OUT.