THE DANGER'S OF AIR-GUITARING

By: Jordan Mounteer

FADE IN

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

STEFAN is walking down the hall, the camera following him.  He reaches a door, opens it, and walks in.  JORDAN sees him and walks over him, somewhat stiffly as he appears to have ripped his crotch muscles.  Both STEFAN and JORDAN have thick, slurry British accents.

JORDAN
Why, if isn't my compadre, as we say, coming to pay dear old me a visit.

STEFAN
Umm...yeah....yeah, that's right.

JORDAN
So, hows it hanging, as we say?

STEFAN
Oh..good, good.  Just rocking away, y'know?  It's what we do.  How 'bout you?

JORDAN
How's it hanging?  Hahah!  You turned that around on me, din't ya?

STEFAN'S brow furrows in reply.

JORDAN
I'm hanging a little low, old pal, sorry to say.  I'm hanging mighty low.  The old muscles don't work quite like they used to.

STEFAN
I...uh...notice you've acquired a bit of limp.  That's what we rockers call....a limp.

JORDAN
Oh, yeah.  Well you know, I've been at this for quite some time.  I'm what you might say a professional.....a professional, man!  But things 
tend to get less flexible in their old days.  There I was, just playing along at the end of a blazing shredder solo.....the last chord of the night,
and then out of nowhere I feel this mighty wicked burning in my loins.  My loins, man!  That's where our rockers keep our talent, but...well, look
at it this way:  We have a nuclear power plant, in our pants...all of us.  And when that power plant acts up, well there tends to be a lot panicking,
screaming, and looting.

STEFAN
I...I'm with you man, but what does it all mean?

JORDAN
Well, as I was saying....at the end of the last solo....my crotch....it literally gives out.  Now that's what we call a bloody lemon!

STEFAN
Lemon?

JORDAN
As though somebody has opened you up like a present....lobotomized your testicles, I mean....and squeezed lemon juice into the wound.
It hurt, old buddy....it hurt a lot.That's a man's bloody worst nightmare, I can tell you now!  When the old Willy Wonka's are plucked like cherry's, 
you get this feeling inside like you want to curl up and cry like a school girl.
PAUSE
Anyways, with my chestnuts in the blender, I had to improvise something off the top of my bloody head.  The girls, all the pretty lasses down there,
saw the fix I was in, and started acting like a herd of filthy hyenas.  With me in such terrible....and I do mean terrible, agony....they overwhelmed me.
Crowded round my personals, off they went with my manhood.  It's a sad story, old buddy.....it's what we call a tragedy.

STEFAN
Dear god, man....that's frickin' disgusting.  I mean....I can't think of anything more disgusting at present.
BEAT
My heart goes out to you.  I know what this must be like....

JORDAN
No....no you don't.  But I'm a professional, chum.....and we professionals keep our cool.  I know the risks, y'know?  I know what we rockers have
to do...out there, in here.....whereever we are.

STEFAN
So.....it just happened like that?  Just exploded like popcorn?

JORDAN
This is a delicate subject, but then again so were they, weren't they?  The stress of air-guitaring...well, it's bloody well unimaginable.  People don't
understand just how much of an art-form it really is.  'Cause that's what it is, chap.....art!  Like painting a picture.  All these youngsters getting into the 
career....they don't understand that.  And that's why so many of them run into trouble, like I did....I knew the risks, but I chose to ignore them. 
Stressed the pelvic region a little too much....like stretching a rubber band, y'know?

STEFAN
No....I don't.

JORDAN
Well, that's my story....as it were.

STEFAN
Alright then.  Well, it was good to meet you again....I really mean that.  Ladies, gentleman.....you should be as lucky as me to have known...to...to
have interacted with such a legend.  This truly is the embodiment of air-guitaring, and I'm not just saying that.  But this also illustrates just how
dangerous, nay how fatal, this type of job really is.  It isnt' a joke, not at all.  You want a joke, go and listen to Ricky Martin and all that Latina and 
Morroccan music....that doesn't even compare to the intricacy of air-guitaring.

JORDAN
I...I believe that is Mexican....not Morroccan.

STEFAN
Morroccan, Mexico.  They're the same thing in my mind.  But we run out of time.  I would like....if you would permit, perhaps a duet....a collaboration? 
What say?

JORDAN
That's a ridiculously good idea!  One more time for old times sake, I say!

JORDAN and STEFAN engage in an air-guitar duet/solo.

FADE OUT