"A Girl Called Simplicity"

Master-scene script

Version: First Draft

Author: Christopher Bate

FADE IN:

INT - HALL - DAY

A sequence set to music ('Concerning the UFO Sighting near Highland, Illinois' by Sufjan Stevens) we inter-cut between the following sequence and the credits which are presented white text on black. We see a large, popular convention which has many stalls and displays. We weave through the crowds and get to a stall which boldly displays the words: "Daniel Levy, Creator of Fandango Flashtoons and Rocky and The S-Birds". Daniel is a handsome but tired looking twenty-seven year old.  He is signing various items that are put in front of him by seemingly never-ending line of eager fans. 

His mobile goes off while he is in the process of signing a middle-aged man's Convention programme.  He smiles apologetically and answers. His face pales and a wave of concern crashes over him. The brief call ends and he is seen getting up. The crowd begin to grumble. He offers an apology before he quickly exits. 

CUT TO:

INT - HOTEL - DAY

Daniel is quickly packing his travel bag and checks out of the hotel. 

CUT TO:

INT - COACH STATION - DAY

Daniel is paying for coach tickets. He pays the woman at the kiosk before slumping down into the waiting room area. He places his bag on the empty seat next to him. He rubs his eyes. 

DANIEL
(Into phone)
Yeah, I'm sorry, Ted. I didn't get the chance to- I got the call and I just fled. I'm at the coach station now. How many people turned up? That many? And they were upset? (Sighs) Tell them that I'll do another appearance for free or something. I'll send out some signed freebies to the people that I had to leave. I can't be fairer than that, can I? Thanks Ted. I really appreciate your help here. I'll call you in a couple of days, when things have- Yeah. Thanks again. I will. See you. 

He hangs up. He puts the phone back into his jacket pocket and leans back in his chair. 

Music and credits end. 

CUT TO:

INT - COACH - DAY

Daniel is now sat on the busy coach. He has his bag on the seat next to him. He is listening to his walkman to keep out the noise of the people around him. He is listening to 'Where the Humans Eat’ by Willy Mason. We hear it to as it plays over the scene. He gazes out of the window and watches the world as it passes him by. 

Daniel feels his eyelids getting heavy. Before he can resist he has fallen asleep. 

TIME PASSES. 

Daniel's slumber is disturbed by a commotion. He hears the driver cursing and swearing at the coach.  It sputters and stalls as if to return the compliment. 

DRIVER
Come on, girl! Come on! 

Daniel looks around and sees a sea of concerned and intrigued faces

DRIVER (CONT'D)
(Losing his calm)
FUCK IT! 

The passengers respond with surprise. This isn't good.

DRIVER (CONT'D)
Ladies and Gentlemen. I am having some difficulties with the coach. I'm going to pull in at the nearest service station and try to fix the problem. I can't apologise enough. I will try to rectify the problem as soon as possible.  Thank you for your patience. 

Daniel sighs. It is lost among the wave of frustrated groans from the other passengers. 

CUT TO:

EXT - SERVICE STATION - DAY

Daniel walks towards the Service Station. He is one of the many people who need coffee after their recent disappointment.

INT - SERVICE STATION - CONTINUOUS

Daniel walks through the large automatic doors and heads straight to the cafeteria. He is greeted by a woman in her early thirties. She shows him her best fake smile.

WAITRESS
Hello, how can I help you?

DANIEL
Coffee please.

She nods and gets to work preparing his coffee.

She places it on the counter in front of him and he hands her his money. She rings it up and hands him his change. He takes the coffee and heads over to an empty booth.

Daniel scans the cafeteria. It’s pretty empty. There is an old man sat in a booth. He is slyly adding a little whiskey to his tea. 

There is a pretty young woman a few tables away from him. She is listening to some music while making notes in a small notebook. She smiles at him. Perhaps he was looking too long. He meekly smiles back.

He places his bag on the seat next to him and takes out an A to Z. He opens it up and studies it.

He takes a sip of coffee and runs his hands through his slightly unkempt hair.

He traces a line across the map with his finger. He is deflated that a simple trip home has become such an arduous journey.

His concentration is broken by the entrance of a well-built teenager who approaches him with an eager grin. He is wearing a tee-shirt with the words ‘Natalie Portman’s Future Husband’

He coughs to get Daniel’s attention. Daniel looks up from his map, sheepishly.

EDDIE
Hey, man. Are you Daniel Levy? 

DANIEL
Yes. Yes I am. 

EDDIE
Awesome! I'm a huge fan of your work. 

DANIEL
Thank you. 

EDDIE
I really dig the series you did about that crime fighting budgie. 

DANIEL
Rocky. 

EDDIE
Yeah, that was excellent. That should be on television. 

DANIEL
I'm trying. 

EDDIE
Really? I would watch that show. 

DANIEL
That's good to hear. 

EDDIE
Can I trouble you for an autograph? 

DANIEL
You want my- 

EDDIE
(Picks up napkin and hands it to Daniel)
Could you sign it 'To Eddie’? That's me.

DANIEL
I don't have a p- 

EDDIE
(Fumbles in his jacket pocket and produces a biro)
Here. 

DANIEL
(Takes it)
Thank you. 

The young woman looks up from her book and watches at the scene unfolding a few tables away from her. She notices the embarrassment on Daniel's face which is a stark contrast to the eager fan. 

EDDIE
Frank is the name. 

DANIEL
I thought you said your name was Eddie.

EDDIE
No, it's Frank. Frank Lane. 

DANIEL
(Sighs)
There you go, Frank. 

EDDIE
It's Eddie. 

DANIEL
I'm sorry? 

EDDIE
I wanted it signed to Eddie. 

DANIEL
But you said your name was Frank. 

The young woman stifles laughter but feels empathy with Daniel who is becoming more confused and flustered. 

EDDIE
But everyone calls me Eddie. Frank is my birth name but nobody calls me that. 

DANIEL
Right. So do you want me to amend it to say 'Frank/Eddie' or do you just want Eddie? 

Daniel looks up and catches her. She offers an apologetic smile. He rolls his eyes. She chuckles.

EDDIE
Just Eddie.

DANIEL
Are you sure?

EDDIE
I'm sure I'm sure.

Daniel grabs another napkin and signs it. He really wants the weirdo to leave as soon as possible.

EDDIE (CONT'D)
You're my second favourite flash-toonist ever.

DANIEL
Oh yeah, who is your first?

EDDIE
David Firth.

DANIEL
The 'Fat Pie' guy? 

EDDIE
Yeah, I love Salad Fingers. Have you seen that?

DANIEL
It's good.

EDDIE
(Puts on eerie voice)
"I like rusty spoons" Ha! That shit is crazy. 

DANIEL
I can see why you like it.

EDDIE
Thanks for signing this. My friends at home would be so jealous of me if they knew who you were.

DANIEL
It's, uh, no problem.

EDDIE
Thanks, man. Keep up the work. 

DANIEL
You have a safe journey.

Frank exits, happy with his prize.

Daniel rubs his temples. 

He goes back to his sandwich and scans the map laid out in front of him. He traces a line across the map with his index finger. 

A hand comes into view. It is holding a napkin. 

GIRL'S VOICE (O.S.)
Can you sign my napkin too?

Daniel looks up. It's the girl from the other table. 

SIMPLICITY
Sorry, I couldn't resist. 

DANIEL
Could you believe that guy? I'd like to say that it doesn't happen very often but it does. 

SIMPLICITY
Can I sit with you? Do you mind?

Daniel pauses. He can’t help but be surprised by her question. Less than a minute and she wants to sit with him. What if she’s crazy too?

DANIEL
Sure. 

She takes a seat opposite him. 

SIMPLICITY
So, you're a big deal, huh? 

DANIEL
No, I'm just a struggling writer masquerading as an internet cartoonist. But don't tell anyone. This particular ‘get rich quick' scheme is keeping me from getting a real job. 

SIMPLICITY
Your secret is safe with me. 

DANIEL
Thanks. 

SIMPLICITY
I'm Simplicity.

DANIEL
Really? That's an amazing name.

SIMPLICITY
Daniel isn't so bad either.

She extends hand confidently. Daniel can’t help but notice the large amount of bracelets she has on.

DANIEL
(Shakes) Daniel. Are you sure Simplicity is your real name because there seems to be a lot of confusion today? 

SIMPLICITY
It's Simplicity, promise. I actually used to be called Frank but you know--(Of map) so, where are you headed? 

DANIEL
I'm heading home to Quarry Bank. Well, trying to. I've had to seek alternative methods. 

SIMPLICITY
How come? 

Daniel points outside. His coach is parked in the parking lot. The driver has opened the hood there is a mass of thick black smoke coming from the engine. 

SIMPLICITY (CONT'D)
Ah. 

DANIEL
Word of advice: Never take a trip with Go-Go Travel. They suck, for want of a better word.

SIMPLICITY
I won't. 

DANIEL
What about you? Where are you headed?

SIMPLICITY
I'm going home too. I've been on an adventure. 

DANIEL
What kind of adventure? 

SIMPLICITY
Have you aware of something called 'Orkut'? 

DANIEL
No.

SIMPLICITY
Well, it's like this huge on-line community where you put your profile on with the intention making friends with people all over the world. 

DANIEL
Uh-huh.

SIMPLICITY
There are loads of communities you can join depending what you're into. For example, if you like a certain band you can tag yourself onto that community and make like-minded friends, share opinions, evolve ideas that sort of thing. 

DANIEL
It's a good idea. 

SIMPLICITY
Well, I started my own community for a bet. 

DANIEL
What was the community? 

SIMPLICITY
(Pulls a face)
The Arsing About Society. 

DANIEL
The Arsing About Society? 

SIMPLICITY
It was to win a bet with my housemate. Part of the bet was to see if I could get twenty random people to join up to the silliest community I could dream up. The condition was that they couldn't be friends or family. They had to be complete strangers. 

DANIEL
Did you do it? 

SIMPLICITY
I got twenty-two. 

DANIEL
And you won the bet? 

SIMPLICITY
Well, the next part of the bet was to meet them all. 

DANIEL
In person? 

SIMPLICITY
Yeah, I had a month to do it. 

DANIEL
Kind of like the adventures of Dave Gorman. 

SIMPLICITY
That's what inspired the challenge. 

DANIEL
So, did you meet them all? 

SIMPLICITY
No. I've met eighteen. My trail came to a stop when the nineteenth member left the community. 

DANIEL
Damn.

SIMPLICITY
So, now I'm heading home with my tail between my legs. 

DANIEL
How much was the bet worth? 

SIMPLICITY
I had to get rid of my tatty old recliner if I lost. I love that thing. Steve, that's my housemate, thinks it's horrible and worn out. It's my favourite thing in the world and now it's going on the scrap heap. 

DANIEL
I'm sorry to hear that. I have to admire your dedication, going all that way for a chair is pretty incredible. 

SIMPLICITY
My consolation is that I did meet some interesting people and I shared some great experiences that I never would have had if it wasn't for the bet. 

DANIEL
At least that's something. 

SIMPLICITY
It would have been nice to have met all of the community members. I was gutted that the trail had to end. I wanted to finish what I started and I loved not knowing who the next member was and where they would take me.  Do you know what the real kick in the pants was? 

DANIEL
What?

SIMPLICITY
The nineteenth member left our community to join a Michael Bolton one. 

DANIEL
That IS a kick in the ass. 

SIMPLICITY
I know.

DANIEL
Well, for what it's worth, you have my admiration. I would have never thought of such an adventure. I rarely leave my town. I really should travel more. 

SIMPLICITY
So what about you? Where are you returning from? 

DANIEL
A convention. It was a fan thing. I was on one of the signing tables. 

SIMPLICITY
How cool! I bet that was interesting. 

DANIEL
I met a bunch of people like Frank or Eddie or whatever his name was. It was a mixture of fun and sheer, unadulterated terror. 

SIMPLICITY
(Chuckles)
I bet.

DANIEL
I'm actually going back to my parents. My Granddad passed away. I'm going back for the funeral. 

SIMPLICITY
I'm sorry to hear that. 

DANIEL
It came of something of a shock. I mean, I never really thought of my Granddad as an old man. I didn't realise just how sick he was. He was great at masking things, you know. But let's not talk about that. It's depressing. 

SIMPLICITY
I'm okay to talk about it if you are. 

DANIEL
Nah, its okay. It hasn't really sunk in yet and I fear I may start crying like a child. 

SIMPLICITY
It's okay to cry. 

DANIEL
Not in front of strangers in a dodgy service station it isn't. 

SIMPLICITY
I understand. Do you want a cup of tea or something? I know it's a bit of a pathetic gesture but I feel I have to do something. 

DANIEL
I'd love a tea. 

SIMPLICITY
I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. 

DANIEL
I can't. 

SIMPLICITY approaches the waitress. She smiles warmly before ordering. 

We don't hear her order as we move to focus on Daniel who is pouring over his A to Z. 

SIMPLICITY returns with a pot of tea and two chocolate muffins. She places the tray on the table and hands Daniel his tea. He smiles a thank you. She then hands him a chocolate muffin. 

DANIEL (CONT'D)
Oh, thank you. 

SIMPLICITY
It's a little something. I thought it might help to cheer you up. 

Daniel smiles. 

DANIEL
Thank you. That's very sweet. 

SIMPLICITY
It's a very British thing, tea. We all seem to make tea in times of trouble. There is something strangely adorable about that. If all else fails, you've always got tea. 

DANIEL
I know what you mean. That's the first thing I did when I heard the news. So what do you do to pay the rent? 

SIMPLICITY
I don't. I kind of won the lottery about eighteen months ago. 

DANIEL
Really? Wow! Now I don't feel so bad about you paying for the drinks. 

SIMPLICITY
I'm not a millionaire or anything, not by a long shot. I won enough to keep me going for a few years. I've also made some sound investments. 

DANIEL
And you're worried about an old chair. 

SIMPLICITY
Hey, that chair is like my best friend in the world. It has character. You can't buy character. I can't believe I’m going to have to chuck it out. It's like a security blanket or something. (She pulls a face of mock upset. It's very cute) 

DANIEL
I know what you mean. I have this soft toy I've had since I was born. I couldn't imagine parting ways with it. All the sentimental memories

SIMPLICITY
That's really cute. 

DANIEL
Don't shout it about though. I have a stern male reputation to keep up. 

SIMPLICITY laughs.

DANIEL (CONT'D)
You're laughing but trust me, beneath this nice guy exterior lays a seriously macho individual. 

SIMPLICITY
I've know you all of fifteen minutes and even I know that's a lie. I wouldn't have come over if you were a typical lad. 

DANIEL
(Laughs)
Really? 

SIMPLICITY
Yeah, you should be flattered. 

DANIEL
I'm honoured. 

SIMPLICITY
So, how are you going to get back? 

DANIEL
I'm hoping that there will be another coach to replace this one. I'm not too sure how long it will take to get here.  If there isn't one I suppose I could stick the old thumb out and see where that takes me. 

He holds up his thumb and waggles it to emphasise the point.

SIMPLICITY
I'll take you. 

DANIEL
I'm sorry? 

SIMPLICITY
I'll take you. 

DANIEL
You'll- 

SIMPLICITY
Yeah, if you want. 

DANIEL
But it's probably miles from-

SIMPLICITY
 I'm not in any rush to go home and it's not that far out of my way. It's barely half an hour from Q.B. Besides, I’d still be on the road if it wasn't for number nineteen. 

DANIEL
Yeah, but- 

SIMPLICITY
Besides, Daniel. The longer I stay away from home, the longer Tatty stays at my house. 

DANIEL
Who's Tatty? 

SIMPLICITY
My recliner. So, what do you say? Do you want a lift? 

DANIEL
If it's okay.

SIMPLICITY
Okay then. That's sorted. 

DANIEL
That's really, really kind of you. 

SIMPLICITY
(Shrugs) It's no problem. (Cute, mock seriousness) You promise you're not an axe murderer or anything? 

DANIEL
I promise. 

SIMPLICITY
I didn't think you would be but it's always best to check. 

DANIEL
What about you? 

SIMPLICITY
Am I a murderer? Only in the musical sense. I'm the world’s worst singer. I have a voice that could melt steel. 

DANIEL
(Smiles)
I'm not good either. 

SIMPLICITY
My van is parked just over the way. We can leave when you're ready. I can’t wait to get out of this service station. I think I’ve drank like a vat of coffee.

CUT TO:

INT - CAMPER VAN - DAY

DANIEL
This is very nice. 

SIMPLICITY
She's a beauty, isn't she? 

DANIEL
Oh yeah.

SIMPLICITY
She's been good to me over the last few weeks. I had to leave her for a while because a few of my community members were overseas. I don't think she minded too much. 

DANIEL
My friend Bailey would love this. He's been after one of these for ages. 

SIMPLICITY
My Dad gave this to me after I got my degree. 

DANIEL
What did you study? 

SIMPLICITY
Advanced oral sex. 

Daniel reacts with shock.

SIMPLICITY laughs at his response.

SIMPLICITY (CONT'D)
I'm kidding! I studied Law. 

DANIEL
You didn't want to go into law for a career? 

SIMPLICITY
Nah, there are far too many lawyers. The world doesn't need another one. 

DANIEL
My parents wanted me to get into banking but I shunned it to make cartoons. I don't think they've ever forgiven me. 

SIMPLICITY
They'll come around. My folks weren't too impressed with my adventure but I really didn't expect them to be. If parents understood we'd never get anything done. 

DANIEL
They'll adjust to me in time. (Shrugs) 

SIMPLICITY
Buckle up. 

Daniel buckles his seat belt. 

SIMPLICITY (CONT'D)
Are you ready? 

DANIEL
I'm ready.

SIMPLICITY
Let's go. 

SIMPLICITY starts up the van. It stalls. 

SIMPLICITY (CONT'D)
Oops! Try again. 

SIMPLICITY starts the van and they begin to head off. 

CUT TO:

INT - CAMPER VAN - DAY

The atmosphere is a little nervy. Two strangers on the road together. Daniel tries to find the words. 

SIMPLICITY
You okay there? 

DANIEL
Yeah. I'm just- 

SIMPLICITY
You don't have to feel awkward, you know. I really don't mind this. If I had my way I'd drive all the time. 

DANIEL
I can't drive. 

SIMPLICITY
Have you ever thought of learning? 

DANIEL
Not until today. 

SIMPLICITY
It took ages for me to pass my test. I must have failed six times. Lucky number seven. 

DANIEL
I've always wanted to ride a bike but there were certain complications.

SIMPLICITY
Like what? 

DANIEL
This might sound ridiculous but my Mom made me promise two things to her; one was to never ride a bike and the other was to never join the Police Force. She is the eternal worrier, my Mother. The thing is that I can't in good conscience break a promise, no matter how much of a pain in the arse she is. A promise is a promise after all. 

SIMPLICITY
Not many people keep them these days. 

DANIEL
They don't.

SIMPLICITY
So, you're one of those nice guys--

DANIEL
I try.

SIMPLICITY
You know what they say about nice guys--

DANIEL
It's not worked out too bad so far.

INT - VAN - LATER

SIMPLICITY
Do you want to do the Q & A thing? 

DANIEL
What's that sorry? 

SIMPLICITY
I ask you a random question and you give me an honest answer. Then we switch. 

DANIEL
Sure.

SIMPLICITY
Okay (Thinks) Worst haircut you've ever had? 

DANIEL
(Laughs)
THAT was the first question that popped into your head? 

SIMPLICITY
(Laughing)
I surprised myself with the randomness of that one. 

DANIEL
Worst haircut? (Thinks) So many... (Thinks again) When I was eighteen I foolishly bleached my hair bright blonde. It was ridiculous! It was a rather naff attempt to be cool and impress girls. It backfired because I attracted more men than anything. I'm like Wyle E Coyote when it comes to women. 

SIMPLICITY
(Laughing)
Your go. 

DANIEL
I'd like to ask the same question. Can I do that? 

SIMPLICITY
There's nothing in the rulebook that says you can't. 

DANIEL
Okay, so what was your worst 'do? 

SIMPLICITY
Apart from this one? 

DANIEL
I like your haircut. It suits you. 

SIMPLICITY
Flattery. My worst cut had to be the feather cut I had when I was fifteen. It was so ugly and uncool. You look back on my childhood pictures it looks like I was a child of the Seventies---and not in a good way. 

DANIEL
I'd love to see that picture. 

SIMPLICITY
No chance, pal. Your turn. 

DANIEL
(Thinks)
Last book you read. 

SIMPLICITY
(Guiltily)
Uh, Harry Potter. 

DANIEL
(Jokingly)
Let me out of the van. 

SIMPLICITY
I know! It was peer pressure. My friends kept going on and on about it so I read it to see what all the fuss is about. 

DANIEL
Did you like it? 

SIMPLICITY
It was okay. Nothing special. Perhaps the crazy hype killed it. I've been reading a book about Bill Hicks. 

DANIEL
And your cool points have been restored! 

SIMPLICITY
Okay, uh, boxers or briefs? 

DANIEL
(Taken aback)
Boxers. Briefs are for accountants and priests. 

SIMPLICITY
How do you know? 

DANIEL
(Laughs)
I guessed. My question. (Thinks) Did you enjoy your first sexual experience? 

SIMPLICITY
Oh! Going for the big Q's now I see! 

DANIEL
I like to crank it up a notch. 

SIMPLICITY
That's really personal. 

DANIEL
You can pass. 

SIMPLICITY
The rulebook says you can't. 

DANIEL
I'm starting to believe you actually have a rule book. 

SIMPLICITY
I'll answer. I have nothing to hide. Did I enjoy my first sexual experience? No, I was too worried about everything. It wasn't great and very brief. I wish I'd waited because it was a bit of an anti-climax, so to speak.  What about you? Same question to you. 

DANIEL
It was with a girl called Kelly Baytham. It was a lot like your experience. Very brief, my fault and absolutely terrifying. I remember, after we'd finished this life-changing event, there was this deafening silence that seemed to go on for ages. Then she said 'do you want to watch MTV?’ 

SIMPLICITY
I think the first time mostly consists of just getting it out of the way. Like your first kiss. 

DANIEL
Or your first job. 

SIMPLICITY
Yeah. Is it my turn again? 

DANIEL
Swing away, SIMPLICITY. 

SIMPLICITY
I could ask thousands of questions about sex but I won't. I couldn't ask what I couldn't answer. (Thinks) 

DANIEL
Oh yeah? That sounds ominous. 

SIMPLICITY
The thing is that I'm really dull! My answers would probably bore you. I'm not wild in that sense. I've never say, had sex in a canoe, for example. 

DANIEL
Sex in a canoe? 

SIMPLICITY
It's just an example. 

DANIEL
Where did you-. Would you actually want sex in a canoe? Is it even possible? 

SIMPLICITY
I don't have a canoe but I'd assume it would be pretty hard and more than a little uncomfortable. Okay, my question, since we are back on the sex tip is; Where is the weirdest place you have ever done it? 

DANIEL
My ex and I once had sex in a wardrobe. 

SIMPLICITY
A wardrobe?

DANIEL
It was one of those big old ones. It was a bit shaky and I was worried it was going to topple over and trap us inside. 

SIMPLICITY
You dare devil. 

DANIEL
What about you? 

SIMPLICITY
You just keep batting my questions back at me. 

DANIEL
I'm hugely unoriginal. You should see my work. 

SIMPLICITY
Weirdest place I've ever had sex? (Thinks) Hospital. 

Daniel reacts with surprise. 

DANIEL
We have a winner. 

SIMPLICITY laughs. 

The blissful tune plays over a montage of SIMPLICITY and Daniel as they travel. We see them chatting, laughing, singing, pausing by the roadside for a drink and a leg stretch, talking some more and laughing plenty. It's clear that the awkwardness has been replaced with a sure and undeniable chemistry. 

EXT - VAN - CONTINUOUS

We follow the van as it makes its way through the beautiful countryside. 

The song plays on.

CUT TO:

INT - HOUSE - DAY

They pull up outside a house. Daniel unbuckles his seat belt. 

SIMPLICITY
Here we are. 

DANIEL
Thank you so much. 

There is a beat. 

SIMPLICITY
(Suddenly)
Oh! I have to-

She scrambles around her dashboard. It's stuffed with paperwork. CD's and all sorts of other junk.  She pulls out a pen, gives it a couple of clicks before grabbing a flyer. She then leans back over to her seat and scribbles something down.

SIMPLICITY (CONT'D)
Here.

DANIEL
'The Bitch Rock Showcase'?

SIMPLICITY
You can ignore that. I got it from some club in Brighton. My number is on the top. You should use it to call me.  That is, if you WANT to call me. I don't want to seem pushy and you might have had enough of me already.

DANIEL
No. I'll call you. I'd like to call you. I've had fun.

SIMPLICITY
We'll go out for drinks or something. I know some great places.

DANIEL
That would be great.

SIMPLICITY
It was nice riding with you, Daniel.

DANIEL
You too. Thanks again.

He hops out of the car.

DANIEL (CONT'D)
I'll call you.

SIMPLICITY
(Smiles)
You'd better.

She starts up the van. Daniel waves to her. She salutes before heading off, honking her horn as she goes.

Daniel walks up the path towards his front door with a warm smile on his face.

The front door opens and there stands Bailey, Daniel's friend and housemate.

BAILEY
Hey, buddy. Sorry to hear about your-

DANIEL
What the hell are you wearing?

BAILEY
It's the latest look.

DANIEL
You look like you've been in an accident.

BAILEY
That's the style! All the hip young people are wearing plaster casts. You should get one.

DANIEL
You look foolish.

BAILEY
I LOOK like I'm cock of the walk.

DANIEL
You look like a cock alright.

BAILEY
You would mock. You have the fashion sense of a gazelle.

DANIEL
What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

BAILEY
What's RIGHT with it is the question you SHOULD be asking.

Bailey helps Daniel with his bags as they enter the house.

DANIEL
At least I don't look like I've been run over.

BAILEY
Ah, get with the programme.

DANIEL
What programme?

BAILEY
The cool programme. 

DANIEL
Shut up and put the kettle on.

INT - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Daniel throws his stuff onto the couch as Bailey makes the tea.

BAILEY
Who was that girl with the sweet ride?

DANIEL
Oh, that was Simplicity.

BAILEY
You sly dog!

DANIEL
No, I didn't do anything. That's her name.

BAILEY
Her real name?

DANIEL
Yes.

BAILEY
Who calls their kid Simplicity?

DANIEL
(Quietly)
I'd ask the same question to your parents.

BAILEY
What's that?

DANIEL
Did anyone ring for me?

BAILEY
You had a few calls about your Grandfather. Did you know that the funeral is this Friday?

DANIEL
Yeah. Anything else?

BAILEY
Ted called. He asked if we wanted to do an interview with someone called FHM.

DANIEL
FHM is a magazine.

BAILEY
Do we want to do it?

DANIEL
No we do not.

BAILEY
Are you going to see this girl again? It could be good for you.

DANIEL
What do you mean?

BAILEY
You know what I mean.

DANIEL
Why do you always make me out to sound like some work-obsessed saddo?

BAILEY
Because you are. You know that as anyone. You could take her to the funeral.

DANIEL
That'll make a wonderful first date, wouldn't it?

BAILEY
It'd be different. She would certainly remember you.

DANIEL
I'm not going to take her to the funeral. I'll be too busy grappling with my grief to indulge in getting-to-know-you chit-chat.

Bailey hands him a mug of tea. It's in a 'Rocky' mug.

BAILEY
Do you want me to come?

DANIEL
Thank you but no. It's something I should really do on my own. I haven't seen most of my family for ages so-

BAILEY
Do you want a hug or something? It may help with the (Pulls sad face) upset.

DANIEL
The tea is comfort enough.

BAILEY
Cash it in another time. I'll make you a mental credit note. One hug for Danny Boy.

DANIEL
Have you been eating the special cakes again?

BAILEY
Do you like the mug? It's a new design.

DANIEL
It's good.

BAILEY
(Taps head)
This isn't just a hat rack, sir. I'm the artist to your wordsmith. (Raises mug) We should make a toast. To the new mug!

Daniel gives him an odd look.

BAILEY (CONT'D)
And to your Grandpa, wherever he may be.

Bailey taps Daniel's mug with his.

CUT TO:

INT - BEDROOM - EVENING

Daniel is sat on his bed. He is typing on his laptop. 

'Inn Town' by Whiskeytown is currently playing on his stereo.

He rubs his eyes. He's not being as productive as he'd like.

He looks over to his bedside. There is a picture of his grandparents. He stares at it for a while and finds himself getting lost in memories.

He breaks his trance and looks over to his mobile. It's resting on the flyer Simplicity's gave to him.

Daniel finds himself dialling her number.

It doesn't take long for her to answer. Her perkiness brings a smile to his face.

SIMPLICITY (V.O.)
Hello!

DANIEL
Simplicity. It's Daniel.

SIMPLICITY (V.O.)
Hey you! I was just talking about you.

DANIEL
You were?

SIMPLICITY (V.O.)
Oh yeah, I was telling my friend Emma about my day. I'm surprised your ears weren't burning!

DANIEL
Now you mention it, they do feel a little warm. Is it okay to call now? I don't know what your cut-off point for phone calls is.

SIMPLICITY (V.O.)
My cut off point is pretty late because I'm a night owl. It's good to hear from you.

DANIEL
What are you up to?

SIMPLICITY (V.O.)
I'm at my Dad's. After I dropped you off I thought I'd pop and see the old guy while I was in the area. We've just finished a marathon game of Cluedo. In case you're wondering, it was Ms Scarlet, in the study, with the lead pipe. I solved that riddle Colombo style!

DANIEL
(Smiles)
Good work, detective.

SIMPLICITY (V.O.)
Do you want to meet up? 

DANIEL
What, now?

SIMPLICITY (V.O.)
Yeah, if that's okay? I don't know what your cut off point is for socialising.

DANIEL
Oh, I rarely sleep.

SIMPLICITY (V.O.)
Cool. I'll pick you up in half an hour.

CUT TO:

INT - CAMPER VAN - EVENING

Simplicity and Daniel are in the van. They are listening to Imogen Heap's 'Headlock'. 

Simplicity mimes along with the song. They bob along to the track.

CUT TO:

INT - HILLSIDE - EVENING

The van is parked at the top of a hill.

Simplicity and Daniel are stood a little way from the van. They look down at the city below.

SIMPLICITY
This Friday?

DANIEL
Yeah.

SIMPLICITY
You okay?

DANIEL
Yeah, it's a strange that he's not going to be around anymore. I keep forgetting, you know? That's maybe why I haven’t really got upset about it. I don't know its all (Waves his hands over his head frantically) crazy. I’ve been away from my family and friends for so long. It's been convention after convention, total non-stop self-whoring.

SIMPLICITY
(Laughs)
I'm sorry but that was funny. That's what you should name your autobiography.

DANIEL
'Total Non-Stop Whoring: The Daniel Levy Story'

SIMPLICITY
I'd buy it.

DANIEL
Only because you'd be in it.

SIMPLICITY
Oh, really?

DANIEL
Yeah, you've got a couple of pages so far.

SIMPLICITY
What do I have to do to get a chapter?

DANIEL
Go out with me. 

He laughs.

SIMPLICITY
Okay.

DANIEL
What? I was joking.

SIMPLICITY
That's a shame because I was serious.

DANIEL
There was a nugget of truth in there. You'd really go out with someone like me?

SIMPLICITY
Someone I get on with and am attracted to? That's usually how it works. It may have changed in recent years but I'm old school. Give me a well-dressed, good-looking guy with manners and a sense of humour and I'm sold.

DANIEL
So I guess what we're on now is a date?

SIMPLICITY
I suppose it is.

DANIEL
It's a shame all the bars have closed.

SIMPLICITY
This is much better. We've got music, moonlight and a great view of the city that you rarely see. 

DANIEL
That's very true.

SIMPLICITY
I used to come here with my parents when I was little, back when Mom was alive. We used to-

DANIEL
I'm sorry.

SIMPLICITY
About what?

DANIEL
About your Mom. There's me moaning about my Grandfather and you-

SIMPLICITY
It was a long time ago. It sucks and I miss her but you get used to it. Well, it gets easier at least.

DANIEL
At the service station you-

SIMPLICITY
-Made out like I had both parents? 

DANIEL
Yeah.

SIMPLICITY
I do that sometimes, most of the time I don't even realise. I suppose I forget when I'm talking to someone new. I was getting a little carried away with myself back there. I was going to correct myself but it's a bit of a downer isn’t it?   Anyway, enough of the sadness. Do you want to dance?

DANIEL
Here?

SIMPLICITY
Where else, chuckles?

Daniel moves towards her and she opens her arms. They start to slow dance to 'Night Birds' by Ryan Adams. The dance is nice but nothing fancy.

DANIEL
I apologise in advance if I step on your feet.

SIMPLICITY
I was going to say the same thing. You're doing okay.

We pull up from this and FADE OUT:

INT - SUIT STORE - DAY

Bailey and Daniel are in a posh suit store. Daniel is being fitted for a suit. A slender man with a constant smile hovers around him with a tape measure. Bailey is sat down. He looks bored.

DANIEL
What do you think of this one?

BAILEY
It looks exactly like the other one and the one before it.

DANIEL
Do you think it fits better?

BAILEY
I don't know.

DANIEL
You're not much help, are you?

BAILEY
Suit shopping is boring! I'm missing Sponge Bob for this!

DANIEL
I have to come with you when you want to buy shoes.

BAILEY
Shoe shopping is exciting-

DANIEL
-For you maybe.

BAILEY
This is well boring. No offence, mate.

SUIT SALESMAN
Sorry, I was thinking about shoes. (To Daniel) Is Sir happy with this one?

DANIEL
Sir is. I'll take it.

SUIT SALESMAN
Splendid.

Daniel hands over his card and the salesman goes to ring it up.

BAILEY
Are you going to see that girl again?

DANIEL
Yeah, I think so. 

BAILEY
Did you have a good time? You were out until four this morning. I heard her van pull up. Did you- (Makes a back and forth motion with his fist whilst making a squeaking noise)

DANIEL
No, we didn't (Repeats Bailey's gesture)

BAILEY
Why not? She's hot. You don't get hot all that often.

DANIEL
What?

BAILEY
You get luke warm at best. 

DANIEL
How dare you.

BAILEY
She's class A, that girl. If I was you I'd-

DANIEL
Just stop there, Sammy Smut. Please do not cheapen what was a wonderful evening.

BAILEY
So you think it's a big deal then?

DANIEL
Why do you say that?

BAILEY
You used 'wonderful' in a sentence.

DANIEL
I think it could lead to something. Last night was our first official date.

BAILEY
Look at you! Talk about sweet and sour! As one chapter ends, another begins.

There is a beat.

BAILEY (CONT'D)
It's probably too soon for me to say things like that.

DANIEL
Yeah.

BAILEY
Sorry.

CUT TO:

INT - INDIE/STUDENT BAR - DAY

Daniel and Bailey sit at a table next to a window. Shoppers and commuters pass them in droves. The bar is quiet at this moment. The venue and its bored staff are clearly waiting for the weekend.

Daniel rests his suit on the chair next to him. Bailey is admiring his snazzy new boots with are typically OTT.

BAILEY
These boots have to be the ninth wonder of the world.

DANIEL
(Unconvincingly)
Yeah.

BAILEY
What time is she getting here?

DANIEL
She should be here any minute now. One of the many things I like about Simplicity is that she makes snap decisions and runs with them. She'll call up and say "Do you want to go to the zoo?" or "It's windy. Do you want to fly a kite?” I thought it would be better to meet here.

BAILEY
I wouldn't have minded going to the zoo.

DANIEL
I thought here would be a more suitable place for you guys to meet.

BAILEY
We've kind of, sort of met before.

DANIEL
You've seen each other but you haven't technically met. It's important to me that you both get on. I know you haven’t always seen eye to eye with some of the girls I've dated.

BAILEY
You have had some real stinkers in your time. Do you remember Crab Eyes? What about Hordak?

DANIEL
Do you have a nickname for all of my ex's?

BAILEY
In some cases I have two.

DANIEL
I think Simplicity is going to break the proverbial losing streak. I've got a good feeling.

BAILEY
Have you felt the ping?

DANIEL
Are you being disgusting again? What's a ping? It's not a ladies 'part', is it?

BAILEY
The ping happens when you realise you love someone. It's like somebody rings a small bell in your head and everything makes sense. Well, as much sense as love can make.

DANIEL
Have you ever felt the ping?

BAILEY
Many, many times. But, alas, it has always been followed by a clang. The clang of disappointment. 

DANIEL
I haven't felt the ping yet but I think that if-

SIMPLICITY
(Happily)
Hey!

DANIEL
Hey you.

SIMPLICITY
What's the ping?

BAILEY
The pings the thing.

SIMPLICITY
Are you guys talking jive or something?

DANIEL
No, we're talking rubbish.

SIMPLICITY
A language I'm fluent in. 

DANIEL
Simplicity, this is my friend and business partner, Bailey Bennet. Bailey, this is Simplicity.

SIMPLICITY
Nice to meet you, sir.

BAILEY
Likewise. I've heard a lot about you.

SIMPLICITY
I hope it was all good things.

BAILEY
This guy only hangs around with good people. I'm not sure why he hangs around with me.

SIMPLICITY
From what I hear, you are quite the friend.

BAILEY
Have you been lying to this girl already, Daniel?

DANIEL
(Laughs)
Rumbled!

SIMPLICITY
Nice suit.

DANIEL
I got it for the funeral.

SIMPLICITY
It's very dapper.

BAILEY
Do you like the shoes? 

SIMPLICITY
Snazzy.

DANIEL
They're for his already massive collection. I swear, the guy has more shoes than Missy Elliot.

BAILEY
I'd like to think so. Can I get a drink? Simplicity, can I interest you in a beverage of some kind?

SIMPLICITY
Could I have a bottle of Ludwig?

BAILEY
Nice! Do you have the normal one or do you prefer the 'extra icy' version?

SIMPLICITY
Normal will be fine, thank you.

BAILEY
Danny Boy?

DANIEL
Could I get a Coke or something? (To Simplicity) If I have a beer, I'll be asleep within the hour.

BAILEY
You're such a lightweight, dude.

Bailey taps his friend on the shoulder before heading to the bar.

DANIEL
I'm sorry about Bailey. He can be a little full on.

SIMPLICITY
Ah, he's fine. You guys have a nice dynamic. It's good to be in the company of two males that don’t communicate with grunts and crude hand gestures.

DANIEL
Oh, there are hand gestures. We're not football nuts or anything. 

SIMPLICITY
You're not the sporty type then?

DANIEL
I'm a writer. By definition alone I shouldn't even be out in the sun.

SIMPLICITY
You should be chained to a typewriter with the curtains closed-

DANIEL
-And wearing a lot of tweed.

SIMPLICITY
(Laughs)
Tweed gets a bad rap.

DANIEL
It should join up with Paisley and learn to stick up for itself.

SIMPLICITY
(Laughing)
Good one!

Bailey arrives with the drinks. He carefully places them on the table.

BAILEY
BOO-YAH! Drinks for all!

SIMPLICITY
Thank you, Bailey.

BAILEY
No worries. It's thanks to this guy that I can afford to live such a gloriously casual lifestyle. I knew this guy was good from the day I met him. We were little kids and he was always coming up with these cool characters and stories. There was this one character called Rocky that just blew me away. I kept telling him to send it off because I knew people would dig it. He asked me to draw the panels for a new set of comics and it grew from there. People praise me for my art but it's all this man's doing. I'm just the monkey dancing to his tune.

Daniel looks a little embarrassed by the heavy praise.

BAILEY (CONT'D)
He didn't pay me to say that or anything.

DANIEL
He says that-

Simplicity laughs.

CUT TO:

INT - HALLWAY - DAY

Daniel and SIMPLICITY enter the apartment. He drops his bag on the floor and closes the door behind Simplicity who is soaking in the details of his hallway. Daniel stoops down to pick up an armful of post.  He puts the mass of letters and leaflets on a small table which houses his telephone. 

He notices he has messages on his machine. He hits PLAY.

TED (V.O.)
Danny, this is Ted. I've become aware of a couple of items that may be on interest to you. I've also made a couple of developments on the cartoon deal. I think we have Cartoon Network on the ropes, kid. I'll tell you more when I see you. Anyway, I won't yak on because I know you've got more important matters to attend to. I hope you're okay. Get in touch as and when.

DANIEL
He's probably the nicest agent you'll ever hope to meet and that's pretty rare. 

The next message kicks in.

SUSAN (V.O.)
Daniel, this is your Mother. I heard you were back in town and I was wondering when you would be coming over, You Father and I would like to see you and go over the funeral arrangements. I hope you are eating well and not taking any drugs. Love to Bailey. 

DANIEL
Mom.

SUSAN
You don't see her that much?

DANIEL
My calendar doesn't really allow it.

Simplicity nods, noting Daniel's shyness with regards to his family.

DANIEL (CONT'D)
This is my place anyway. Sorry about the mess. 

SIMPLICITY
What mess? 

Daniel takes her coat from her. She seems surprised by this gesture. 

DANIEL
Make yourself at home. 

SIMPLICITY notices the framed pictures on the wall. One features a montage of cartoons and sketches, another features Rocky, a cartoon budgie. He is wearing a hat and striking a pose. 

SIMPLICITY
Nice.

DANIEL
That's how I make my money. 

SIMPLICITY
It's cute. 

She notices some smaller pictures on his mantelpiece. One features a slightly younger Daniel with an elderly couple. There is another picture featuring the older couple but Daniel is significantly younger in this one. 

SIMPLICITY (CONT'D)
(Holding up photo)
Aw, look at you. 

DANIEL
That was one of many photographs taken in Cornwall. I always used to go there every year with my grandparents, my Dad and my cousins. I'm twelve in that photograph. 

SIMPLICITY
Twelve? You look about eight. 

Daniel shrugs. 

SIMPLICITY (CONT'D)
You haven't lost your baby face. 

DANIEL
Would you like a beverage? 

SIMPLICITY
Could I trouble you for a cup of tea? 

DANIEL
No problem. How do you take it? 

SIMPLICITY
Lots of sugar. Lots of milk. Thank you. 

Daniel moves over to the KITCHEN area. 

DANIEL
(Holding up mug)
I hope you don't mind drinking from a 'Thundercats' mug. 

SIMPLICITY
That's fine. I'm not fussy. 

SIMPLICITY looks at another picture. It's a recent picture of Daniel with three other young men. They have obviously been snapped during a heavy night out. One of the men is holding up a small sign that says 'Cheese!' on it. 

SIMPLICITY (CONT'D)
(Holding up another photograph)
Looks like you were having a good night in this picture? 

DANIEL
That's Geoff, Mike, Alex and Bailey. Hopefully, you'll be able to meet the others at some point.

SIMPLICITY
I'd like that.

Simplicity smiles and continues to look around.

SIMPLICITY (CONT'D)
(Spying other picture)
Aww!

DANIEL
(Embarrassed)
That was my school picture. I was sorting through my stuff the other day and I found it. 

SIMPLICITY
Look at the cheesy grin! 

DANIEL
I was really nervous that day. I'm not a huge fan of having my picture taken. I'm really conscious about my nose. 

SIMPLICITY
What's wrong with it? 

DANIEL
It always looks massive on film. 

SIMPLICITY
You always notice things about yourself that no one else does. I have a thing about my ears. 

DANIEL
There's nothing wrong with your ears. 

SIMPLICITY
Exactly. You don't mind me looking around do you? I'm naturally curious. 

DANIEL
That's fine. 

SIMPLICITY
I have this thing where I always look at people’s record or book collection. I think they say a lot about a person. 

DANIEL
I'm like that. I probably shouldn't be telling you this but I once went back to this girls place, it was one of my less  catastrophic blind dates, and I was looking at her record collection and it was all dance albums, you know like  "Now That's What I Call Techno", shit like that. She had like volume one to sixty. It was all crappy compilations. There were no actual albums to speak of. I didn't want to see her again. 

SIMPLICITY
Because she had a load of dance compilations? 

DANIEL
(Nods)
Yeah. You might think that's incredibly shallow but I think things like that are important. I mean, say we did go  out, me and this girl, she wouldn't like going to see bands and hanging out in rock clubs and I'd hate to be  dragged along to a dance club. We'd have spent too much time apart. Plus, part of the beauty of a relationship is buying albums and suggesting songs for each other. I'd play her 'Last Goodbye' by Jeff Buckley and she’d return the favour with, I don't know, Josh Winks Techno Balls or something. You're going off me, aren’t you? 

SIMPLICITY
I see your point. I do. What was her name, this girl? 

DANIEL
Karen or Sharon or Paula or something. I really don't remember. 

SIMPLICITY
You player. 

DANIEL
I'm not. I've just been on so many blind dates that I forget their names. 

SIMPLICITY
Right. 

DANIEL
Actually, can I retract that 'so many blind dates' sentence? It makes me sound desperate. 

SIMPLICITY
(Smiles)
Only a little. 

DANIEL
I've vowed not to go on another one for quite some time. I'm not very good at them. The last date I went on was a complete disaster. 

SIMPLICITY
What happened? 

DANIEL
Ah, you don't want to know. 

SIMPLICITY
I do! 

DANIEL
I don't think I want you to know. 

SIMPLICITY
Why not? 

DANIEL
Because you'll think I'm a dweeb. 

SIMPLICITY
Tell me. I promise not to laugh. 

DANIEL
You can't promise that because I know you will. 

SIMPLICITY
Okay, well I promise not to belly laugh. 

DANIEL
How would that go? 

SIMPLICITY
(Mock laughter)
Like that? 

DANIEL
You sounded like Brian Blessed. 

SIMPLICITY
(Chuckles)
Okay, tell me about your date. What was her name? Do you remember her name? 

DANIEL
Actually, I do. Her name was Tanya. 

SIMPLICITY
Nice. So what happened with you and Tanya? 

DANIEL
Okay, we went to see a film. That's my usual first date routine. I suppose deep down I figure that if the date turns out to be a bust, at least I will have seen a good flick. 

SIMPLICITY
I see. 

DANIEL
So, anyway. We went to the local cinema. We started talking and I was on a full-on charm offensive. The only problem was that she had this faraway look in her eyes like she was bored or something. I think I even saw a glimmer of disappointment. This just helped to make me more nervous. I mean, by her looks alone I knew she was out of my league so I thought perhaps I could basically blag it. It didn't work. She wasn't willing to play along and she kept killing conversation with short, blunt answers. I asked her what music she liked and she replied: "Yes". It was horrible. So we went to see the film and it was dire. It was 'Deuce Bigalow'. I thought ‘Great, the world's rudest person watching cinema's most annoying" Anyway, halfway through this God-awful film, I needed the toilet. She wouldn't move for me so I had to climb over the backseat. We were sat at the back. I caught my foot on the arm of the chair and fell over onto the floor and instead of asking if I was okay, she just tutted at me. I picked myself up and went to the bathroom. By this time I was annoyed and I wanted to escape. I went to wash my hands in the sink but, to my alarm, it came away from the wall and landed right on my foot (SIMPLICITY stifles laughter) I was hopping around, swearing and I thought that perhaps I should just leave.  She wouldn't miss me. It was then that I slipped on the wet floor and knocked myself out on the bathroom floor.  I woke up in Accident and Emergency an hour later.

SIMPLICITY laughs hard.

DANIEL (CONT'D)
See? I knew you'd laugh. 

SIMPLICITY
(Through laughter)
I'm sorry. 

DANIEL
That's clearly a belly laugh. You broke your promise, missy. 

SIMPLICITY
(Wiping tears from her eyes)
Have you ever seen the movie 'Play It Again, Sam'? 

DANIEL
Yeah? 

SIMPLICITY
You're like that. I'm sorry. That was funny. 

DANIEL
I'll be sure to have a good guffaw at your dating misfortunes. 

SIMPLICITY
Of which there are many. They're not as spectacular as yours though. 

DANIEL
I'm rubbish, what can I say? 

SIMPLICITY
You have a lot of CD's! 

DANIEL
Oh, uh, yeah. It's kind of an addiction.  

SIMPLICITY
Can I have a nose? 

DANIEL
(Joking)
Why not, you've looked through everything else. 

SIMPLICITY
It's all part of getting to know the real you. 

DANIEL
Good luck, sweet heart. There is no real me. 

SIMPLICITY
Bob Dylan fan, huh? 

DANIEL
The man is some kind of God. Everyone knows that. 

SIMPLICITY
(Pointing to CD)
And what does that make Duran Duran? 

DANIEL
It was a gift. I've been meaning to get rid of it. 

SIMPLICITY
Sure, sure. (Looks) Nick Drake, The Shins, Sufjan Stevens, Brendan Benson, Interpol, Alex Harvey....Oh!  Beastie Boys crashed the party! I can picture you popping shapes in front of the mirror to 'Sure Shot'. 

DANIEL
I have actually done that. 

SIMPLICITY
Which Beastie are you? 

DANIEL
Ad-Rock or, uh, D-Lev. That was my hip-hop name. 

SIMPLICITY
(Chuckles)
D-Lev. It makes you sound like some kind of foot cream. 

DANIEL
I'm over it now. I no longer have a hip-hop alias. 

SIMPLICITY
Pavement, Jeff Buckley, The White Stripes, Radiohead, Rush, Ryan Adams, Bright Eyes. I'm starting to get a picture of the real 'D-Lev'

DANIEL
What does it look like? 

SIMPLICITY
Overall, you're a sensitive soul who has music to suit two different moods. (She picks out two CD's) Tender and thoughtful (Sufjan Stevens) and Excited and angry (Queens of the Stone Age) I'm starting to feel more comfortable about staying here. 

DANIEL
Because I like folk and post-rock? 

SIMPLICITY
Like you say, music matters. If you'd had a shelf full of Norwegian Death Metal I would have been a little concerned. 

DANIEL
I see. 

SIMPLICITY
Will you do me a favour?

DANIEL
Anything.

SIMPLICITY
Call your Mother.

CUT TO:

INT - DANIEL'S PARENTS HOUSE - DAY

Daniel is having tea with his parents. His mother pours him another brew. She takes great pride in being a good host.

Daniel's Father, Jim Levy is sat at the table opposite his oldest and only son.

JIM
So how did your thing go?

DANIEL
The convention?

JIM
What other thing would I be referring to?

DANIEL
I don't know, Dad. You have so many 'things'.

SUSAN
He does say 'thing' a lot.

JIM
What else am I supposed to say?

DANIEL
"How did the convention go?"

JIM
I don't know what it's called, do I? I'm not clued up with that sort of thing.

SUSAN
How did it go, Daniel?

DANIEL
It went well. I met a lot of people; some interesting, some terrifying. Some of the fans are really hardcore. I didn’t realise how much the comic meant to people.

SUSAN
They love it because it's great. Judy Mayfield’s kids just love Rocky. They've got the bed sheets and everything.

DANIEL
There are bed sheets now? 

JIM
You want to be careful, Lad; mixing with those kind of people. Need I remind you of another talented young man who mixed with fanatics? His name was John Lennon, son and look what happened to him.

DANIEL
He married the fanatic?

JIM
He was shot. Shot dead.

DANIEL
As opposed to being shot alive.

JIM
He's always making fun of his old man. I'm trying to be serious.

DANIEL
Dad, no one is going to shoot me. I write a comic about crime fighting pets. It's nothing like the Beatles. The most I'll ever get is someone flaming me on an internet message board. 

SUSAN
Flaming you? I don't like the sound of that.

DANIEL
It's just a term for people saying not-so-nice things about me. It's nothing that really bothers me.

SUSAN
Why would they say unkind things about you?

DANIEL
What else is the internet for?

SUSAN
I can't say I understand it. Your Father and I just want you to be careful because we love you.

DANIEL
I appreciate it. Mom, do you want me to help or something? Why don't you sit down for a little while?

SUSAN
I'm okay. I'm just keeping busy. I'm just going to get the washing in.

DANIEL
At least let me do that.

SUSAN
Its fine, love. You just enjoy your tea. I brought the expensive stuff because you're all famous now.

Daniel smiles. His mother exits.

JIM
She's been like this since your Grandfather passed. She never stops. I don't think she's even cried yet. Thank you for coming back, Son. I know we're not the closest family in the world but it means a lot that you're home for this.

DANIEL
I had to come back. I couldn't-

JIM
It's nice to have you.

There is a long silence. It's as if they have run out of things to say to each other.

CUT TO:

INT - PARK - DAY

Simplicity and Daniel walk through the park.

(We hear ***soft, acoustic track***)

Simplicity is laughing hard.

DANIEL
-So, he turned to me and said "I'll be buggered if I'm going to shift it!"

SIMPLICITY
No way! What happened after that?

DANIEL
It was a mess. No one could really do anything because we were all laughing too much.

Simplicity casually reaches for Daniel's hand. He looks down to see her fingers trying to intertwine with his. He lets her and they are soon holding hands. Daniel blushes a little bit.

SIMPLICITY
Are you okay?

DANIEL
Yeah.

SIMPLICITY
Do you mind this?

DANIEL
Not at all. This is nice.

CUT TO:

INT - SIMPLICITY'S BEDROOM - DAY

We hear 'Vancouver' by the glorious and much missed Jeff Buckley. Simplicity is by her stereo, her back towards a content looking Daniel. He is lying on her bed. She mouths along to the words, swaying as she goes. The music accompanies a mixed montage of Daniel and Simplicity at various stages of 'getting it on' amongst footage of them before and after the ‘event‘. 

It's an exciting and amusing moment for both of them. There are as many giggles as there are groans.  They head to the bedroom, shedding clothes as they go. They soon shut us out (Hey, I'm not doing a full-on sex scene...who am I, Joe Eszterhas?)

The montage ends as it begun, the post-coital couple relaxing in the bedroom. Simplicity singing along to the song as she did in the beginning.

SIMPLICITY
Was that okay?

DANIEL
That was the most fun I've had since pan cake day.

SIMPLICITY
(Laughs)
It's been a while for you, huh?

DANIEL
Was it that obvious? What gave it away?

SIMPLICITY
You kept asking if I was okay.

DANIEL
Oh, I always do that. I have been known to make girls fill out surveys in the past.

SIMPLICITY
I think you're a lot better than you think you are.

DANIEL
I try my best. I was really trying my best today. 

SIMPLICITY
You have some pretty good moves, sir.

DANIEL
As do you. I didn't think I could be so limber.

SIMPLICITY
You asked me if I was real. Do you remember that?

DANIEL
I needed to know.

SIMPLICITY
Why?

DANIEL
Because you're, well, you. 

SIMPLICITY
I want you to meet my Dad.

DANIEL
Sure.

SIMPLICITY
One thing, my Dad is a little, uh, protective.

DANIEL
Protective?

CUT TO:

INT - SIMPLICITY'S FATHER'S HOUSE - EVENING

Roger, Simplicity's Father, pins a terrified Daniel against the wall of the hallway. Simplicity is out of the room.

ROGER
Let me tell you something, frisky! That girl is my daughter. She is the one thing in my life that I’m truly proud of. I don’t expect you to understand. She is something special and I love her more than life itself so please bear that in mind when you try making a frantic grab for whatever part of her you find to your liking. If you dare to take advantage of her good nature I will DESTROY you. I will take this brick and kill you with it. Do you see this brick? Do you see it? Do you SEE this brick?

DANIEL
I see the brick.

ROGER
What’s your name again?

DANIEL
(Squirming)
Daniel.

Roger quickly takes out a marker and writes his name on it.

ROGER
Now it has your name on it. This brick has YOUR name on it. You mess with her and this brick will be the last thing your beady eyes will ever see. Do you understand? Are we on the same wavelength?

DANIEL
Yes.

ROGER
Good.

Simplicity returns. Roger zips back into his seat with his paper in his hands.

Daniel is still in shock.

SIMPLICITY
Are you okay?

DANIEL
Yeah. I’m fine.

SIMPLICITY
Are you two getting along?

Roger nods to Daniel as if to prompt him.

DANIEL
Yes. We are getting along fine.

SIMPLICITY
He hasn’t been giving you too much stick has he?

Roger shakes his head to prompt a ‘no’.

DANIEL
No.

SIMPLICITY
Shall we go?

DANIEL
Yeah.

SIMPLICITY
See you later, Dad.

ROGER

The two exit.

Roger appears at the window to wave them off. He waves to her before she gets into the passenger seat of Daniel's car.

Daniel turns to see Roger holding the brick with Daniel’s name on. He points to Daniel and then to the brick.

Daniel quickly gets into the car.

SIMPLICITY
Are you okay?

DANIEL
Yeah.

SIMPLICITY
Are you sure? You seem a little overwhelmed.

DANIEL
I'm, uh, I'm okay. (Makes 'rock' symbol) I'm rocking and rolling.

SIMPLICITY
Did my Dad say anything to you?

DANIEL
He showed me a brick with my name on it.

SIMPLICITY
Oh God, not again!

DANIEL
He's done this before?

SIMPLICITY
He does this every time! I thought that he'd have stopped this by now because it's been such a long time since I had a boyfriend. Are you okay? I'm so sorry about him. Please don't think that his actions in any influence mine.  Are you-? God! I'm going to have such a go at him!

DANIEL
No, it's okay. It was just a little out of blue. I mean, we were relatively okay before you left the room. I mean, we didn’t have the best start; he shut the door on me when we first went to the house. I thought it was just an accident but then I heard him lock it. 

SIMPLICITY
(Hugs him)
I'm sorry. It's not the best time for my Dad's silliness. It's never a good time but with everything that's been going on with you- I will make this up to you. 

DANIEL
You don’t have to.

SIMPLICITY
I will. It's a shame you can't choose your family, isn't it? If I could, I'd want Queen Latifah to be my mom. 

DANIEL
(Lightening up, smiling)
I've always had a thing for Queen Latifah.

SIMPLICITY
Really?

DANIEL
Oh yeah. 

SIMPLICITY
It's fun to learn.

DANIEL
It certainly is.

Simplicity kisses him on the cheek.

INT - DANIEL'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Daniel is sat at his desk. He is trying to write something on his laptop but he seems to be having some trouble. He keeps looking at a photograph for inspiration. As we move closer, we see that it is a picture of his Grandfather.

Bailey is dancing around the room listening to '7/4 Shoreline' by Broken Social Scene on his mp3 player. The volume is insanely loud and his limb-flinging is proving to be something of a distraction for Daniel.

Before Daniel can say anything to his friend, Bailey whips off his headphones excitedly and hops over to Daniel's work station.

BAILEY
I’ve just come up with the ultimate money-making scheme! It's freaking genius!

DANIEL
(Wearily)
What is it? I'm trying to write a-

BAILEY
COXO!

DANIEL
Coxo? What is that? 

BAILEY
A combination of coffee and Oxo. All the benefits of caffeine with the reliable taste of gravy. 

DANIEL
Coxo? 

BAILEY
Think about it. 

DANIEL
I don't think I want to.

BAILEY
What do you think? 

DANIEL
I don't think anyone needs caffeine gravy. 

BAILEY
What about people who are always on the go? Business men and athletes etc. 

DANIEL
I can't speak for them but the very idea of pouring such a concoction over my Sunday lunch makes me want to be sick. 

BAILEY
Why do you always pooh-pooh my ideas?

DANIEL
Because they're all pooh-pooh.

BAILEY
What are you writing? A new script? 

DANIEL
I'm trying to write a eulogy for my Grandfather's funeral but you're getting inside my mind with your dancing around and your Coxo.

BAILEY
Do you need any help with it? 

DANIEL
I just need a bit of peace. I'm finding it hard to write down what I really want to say.

BAILEY
Perhaps you could do it in the form of a rap. It would be different.

DANIEL
I'm not going to do that.

BAILEY
When Pete Lunn's Uncle died they put on this elaborate puppet show. It was incredible! It was so good that it got a review in the local paper.

DANIEL
I'm just going to stick to the traditional pre-written speech.

BAILEY
How did it go meeting Simplicity's Dad?

DANIEL
The man threatened me with a brick.

BAILEY
No shit!

DANIEL
I WISH I was kidding.

BAILEY
What did you do?

DANIEL
I was polite.

BAILEY
You didn't walk in there with your fly open, did you? Parents hate that. To them it's like seeing an unlocked cage.

DANIEL
I don't know what his problem was. Simplicity said he'd been like that before. 

BAILEY
Well, look on the bright side, it's not him you have to fuck is it?

DANIEL
Yes, thank you for that, Bailey.

BAILEY
Do you want a brew? 

DANIEL
That would be great.

Bailey salutes Daniel and heads to the kitchen.

Daniel looks back at the blank page oh his laptop and then back at the picture.

Bailey pops his head around the door.

BAILEY
So you don't think the COXO idea was all that hot?

DANIEL
Its best you stick to drawing.

BAILEY
Righto.

CUT TO:

INT - SIMPLICITY'S FATHER'S HOUSE - DAY

A nervous Daniel stands in the doorway. 

Roger answers the door.

DANIEL
Hello, Sir.

ROGER
Daniel.

DANIEL
Is Simplicity ready?

ROGER
She's upstairs talking to her brother. She should be down in a minute. I'm watching television if you would like to join me?

DANIEL
(Smiles)
That would be brilliant.

Roger and Daniel sit down in front of the T.V. There is a documentary on that features a lot of fields and birds. It's not the most interesting thing that Daniel has ever watched but he's happy to endure it for Roger.

Roger and Daniel sit and watch the programme for a long beat. Daniel stifles a yawn and tries to think of something, anything to say.

Suddenly, much to Daniel's shock, Roger turns over to a porn channel.

Daniel reacts with polite shock when he realises that he is not merely channel surfing. He’s actually watching the couple rut like horny pigs.

He loves over to see Daniel’s reaction. Daniel has begun to turn red with embarrassment.

ROGER
Do you like this kind of thing?

DANIEL
(Embarrassed beyond belief)
Uh.

ROGER
Are you okay? She’ll be down in a bit. You know what women are like when they’re chatting. They’re not like us blokes, are they? Are you like THAT bloke, Daniel? 

DANIEL
What do you-?

ROGER
You seem a tad embarrassed-

DANIEL
I’m, uh, I-

ROGER
It’s perfectly natural, Daniel. Everybody does it. Have you ever done it?

DANIEL
I’ve never had that kind of service at my garage.

Daniel laughs at his own joke and attempts to look away from the graphic images.

There is another awkward beat.

ROGER
Do you have any plans to do this sort of thing with my daughter?

DANIEL
I, uh,-

ROGER
I know. You’re young. You have this sort of thing on your mind all the time. It’s what makes us men, right?  Right?

DANIEL
I suppose.

ROGER
Just try and treat my daughter with a little dignity. Do you understand me? She’s something more than those tarts you see walking around with short skirts and big earrings. She has class. Just try to remember that when you start thinking with your little chap.

DANIEL
I wouldn’t-I’m not like that.

ROGER
Just remember the brick. 

DANIEL
Yes, Sir.

ROGER
Am I making you uncomfortable?

DANIEL
Can I be completely honest with you?

ROGER
You may.

DANIEL
I'm very uncomfortable.

ROGER
(Smiles)
Did Simplicity tell you about her sister?

DANIEL
She didn't mention anything about a sister. She said she had a brother but I-

ROGER
She has an older sister called Connie.

DANIEL
(Nervous)
She does?

ROGER
Would you like to meet her? She'd like to meet you.

DANIEL
O-okay

Roger reaches behind his chair and pulls out a felt dummy with a wide mouth.

ROGER
This is Connie.

DANIEL
What?

ROGER
Connie, this is Daniel, Daniel this is Connie (As Connie in a really high pitched and ridiculous voice) Hello, Daniel! (As himself)  Say hello.

DANIEL
Uh, hello Connie

ROGER
Are you going out with my sister?

DANIEL
‘Your sister?’

ROGER
Simplicity.  (As himself)  They’re very close.  Ah.  (As Connie)  I love her lots and lots.  (As himself)  See?

He chuckles and then Connie cackles.

Daniel jumps back a bit.

DANIEL
I think I’ve left my lights on.

ROGER
(As Connie)
Okay!

Daniel exits quickly.

INT - CAR - DAY

He gets to his car and rubs his eyes in disbelief. Simplicity comes out to him.

SIMPLICITY
Hey, you. Are you okay? You look a little pale.

DANIEL
I just met your sister.

SIMPLICITY
My sister?

DANIEL
Connie.

SIMPLICITY
I don’t have a sister.

DANIEL
Well, your dad has just introduced me to a puppet that would refute that.

SIMPLICITY
Not fucking Connie! That's it!

Simplicity exits the car and storms up the path to her Father's house. Daniel can barely watch as she is seen yelling at Roger.

Simplicity returns. 

SIMPLICITY (CONT'D)
Daniel, my Father has something he's like to say to you.

DANIEL
Does it involve a puppet?

SIMPLICITY
He wants to apologise.

Daniel gets out of the car and follows Simplicity back to the house.

Roger has his head bowed. 

SIMPLICITY (CONT'D)
(Sternly)
Dad.

ROGER
I'm really sorry for (Sighs) being immature.

SIMPLICITY
He's not like the others, Dad. I care about this one.

ROGER
I'm sorry, Daniel.

DANIEL
It's okay.

SIMPLICITY
So that is settled now. Dad, you don't have to worry about me and Daniel you don't have to worry about my Dad.

CUT TO:

INT - DANIEL'S HOUSE - DAY

Daniel is sat at his desk. Simplicity brings him a cup of tea. She places it next to him and hugs him before taking a sip of coffee.

DANIEL
My Mom wants me to do a speech for the funeral. She thinks that, because I write cartoons about domestic animals fighting crime, I can compose a heartfelt eulogy. 

SIMPLICITY
There's more to you than Rocky. I'm sure you will come up with something that will do justice to his legacy.

DANIEL
(Reads)
"When I was five years old my Grandfather farted in my face"

SIMPLICITY
That may need some work.

DANIEL
I just can't seem to take it seriously. It feels like it's one of his pranks. He used to play some pretty bizarre tricks on us. He was the influence for the comic. He used to keep loads of birds; his favourite was this bright green Budgie that he named after the film he hated. He used to point him out and say that I should be careful of him because he had a fierce temper when it came to naughty people. I used to lie on my Grandparents floor and write these stories about this bird, solving mysteries and righting wrongs. I didn't think it would ever make me a living. When it took off I saw my Grandfather less and less. I'd just send money and gifts. I now realise that I should have made more effort to see him. That's one of the stupid things about me; I always think that people are going to be around. You'd think I'd know better after a series of failed relationships but it seems I never learn.

SIMPLICITY
I think you're learning now and I think your Grandfather would be proud of the person you have become.

DANIEL
I wish you could have met him. He would have loved you.

SIMPLICITY
And I know my Mom would have loved you.

DANIEL
Not your Dad?

SIMPLICITY
In the old days, he would have been less 'eccentric'. Dad is doing some learning of his own.	

DANIEL
Will you come with me?

SIMPLICITY
Yeah, of course. Whatever you need. 

DANIEL
Thank you.

CUT TO:

EXT - CHAPEL - DAY

Simplicity and Daniel are stood outside the church. They stand a little way from the other mourners.  Bailey is dressed slightly more outlandish than the usual mourner.

BAILEY
Rumours are that it's an open coffin.

DANIEL
Rumours? I told you that!

BAILEY
I don't have to see - uh - him, do I?

DANIEL
No you don't, Bailey.

BAILEY
I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. 

SIMPLICITY
Its okay, Bailey.

BAILEY
For what it's worth, I'm here for you. 

SIMPLICITY
Are you going to mingle with your family?

DANIEL
We don't really mingle at things like that because we don't know how to act.

BAILEY
They're going in, mate.

Bailey pats his friend supportively on the shoulder as the trio walk towards the Chapel.

SIMPLICITY
Do you want us to come into the chapel of rest or-?

DANIEL
It's okay. 

We hear 'Hide and Seek' by Imogen Heap

Daniel walks down the corridor. His nervous apprehension makes it seem never-ending. He can feel a lump in his throat and thoughts of turning back flit through his muddled mind. 

He reaches the door. We can see the bottom of a casket and the white silk that lines it. He enters. 

We see his reaction, not his Grandfather. His blue eyes begin to fill with tears and it doesn't take long for his grief to flow down his cheeks. 

We move away. We see Daniel stood on the spot, seemingly fused by hurt and confusion. With a heavy heart he says his Goodbyes. 

The song plays over the proceedings. We see people making speeches and the congregation singing hymns. Ryan gets up to make his speech. He looks out at the sea of sad faces and focuses on Simplicity. He looks at the notes he's prepared. He crumples up the paper and decides to wing it. 

DANIEL (CONT'D)
I remember, a few years ago I was sat with my grandpa and, out of the blue, he said; "Daniel, you like swimming, don't you?" "Yes" I responded, a little confused. He continued: "When you go swimming, you go to all sorts of pools, don't you? You don't tip your toes in one, you have a paddle in a few to see what they have to offer because that's what life is about" After a think I said: "Granddad, are you encouraging me to sleep around?" He then smiled his familiar smile and said: "Have a swim, Son, have a swim."

The mourners laugh. Simplicity laughs along with them.

We don’t hear the rest of the speech but a series of quick cuts show that it's as happy as it is reflective.  The mourners smiling at his recollections. Simplicity smiles along with the strangers, proud of her new love for his courage.

CUT TO:

INT - RECEPTION - DAY

Daniel sits with Simplicity. His tie is loosened and he seems a little more relaxed. One again, he is away from his family who are sharing their memories of the deceased.

SIMPLICITY
Hey.

DANIEL
(Rubs his eyes)
Hey.

SIMPLICITY
I'm proud of you.

DANIEL
Thank you. 

SIMPLICITY
He'd be proud of you too.

Daniel leans over and kisses her on the cheek.

CUT TO:

INT - DANIEL'S HOUSE - DAY

The phone rings. After a few rings, a sleepy looking Daniel shuffles towards it, rubbing his tired eyes before he answers.

DANIEL
Hello?

ROGER (V.O.)
Daniel?

DANIEL
Speaking.

ROGER (V.O.)
It's Roger. Simplicity's father.

DANIEL
(Puzzled)
Oh. Hello, sir. Simplicity is still in bed. The spare bed. 

ROGER (V.O.)
I want to invite you to a BBQ. 

DANIEL
You do?

ROGER (V.O.)
Yes. Will you come?

DANIEL
Uh, sure. That would be great.

ROGER (V.O.)
Shall we say two o'clock?

DANIEL
That would be fine.

ROGER (V.O.)
Good. I'll see you both then.

DANIEL
(Taken aback)
Yeah. Thanks for the invite.

ROGER (V.O.)
Two it shall be. 

DANIEL
Okay.

The line goes dead. Simplicity shuffles into the room wearing Daniel's Okkervil River t-shirt over bright yellow p.j's.

SIMPLICITY
Who was that?

DANIEL
That was your Father.

SIMPLICITY
Oh no. What did he say? Was he using the scary voice again? I knew that voice changer was a bad purchase.

DANIEL
He invited us both to a BBQ.

SIMPLICITY
Both of us?

DANIEL
You and I.

SIMPLICITY
(Pulls face)
That doesn't sound like my old man.

DANIEL
I know. It certainly knocked me for a loop.

SIMPLICITY
Maybe he's finally relocated his senses.

DANIEL
Stranger things have happened.

SIMPLICITY
What time are we going?

DANIEL
Two O’clock.

SIMPLICITY
Okay. Wow! You must have made quite an impression on him.

DANIEL
It's more likely due to the telling off you gave him a couple of days ago.

Simplicity hugs him.

SIMPLICITY
There you go again, underestimating yourself.

DANIEL
It's a condition. I'm seeking help.

SIMPLICITY
Have you got time for a quick fumble?

DANIEL
(Laughs)
Fumble?

SIMPLICITY
(Blushes)
That's not sexy is it?

DANIEL
It's more cartoonish. I'd love a quick 'fumble'.

SIMPLICITY
Word.

They start to walk upstairs.

DANIEL
You know, we're going to have to have a chat about your street talk.

SIMPLICITY
I can't pull it off, can I?

DANIEL
Put it this way, it's a little better than 'fumble'.

Simplicity laughs and they disappear upstairs.

CUT TO:

EXT - GARDEN - DAY

Daniel and Simplicity sit opposite each other on a large wooden table. Roger has put on quite a spread for all of the guests.

ROGER
The secret is marinating the potatoes in Owl's beaks. It gives it that hearty zing.

Harold and Maude, an older couple who are as smug as they are rich, listen intently to Roger. It is clear that he is seeking their approval.

Daniel is keeping his head down. He doesn't want to rock the boat because things are going better than usual.

ROGER (CONT'D)
(To Simplicity)
Why don't you play us something on the piano? Simplicity is a miniature genius. She has a good sense of rhythm. She gets it from her mother. She has pianist fingers. Show them your fingers, pumpkin.

Simplicity reluctantly holds up her hand.

ROGER (CONT'D)
Give them a wiggle.

She does so.

ROGER (CONT'D)
She's just like my Grace. She can play anything, you name it. Go on, name something.

SIMPLICITY
Dad, it's not really the time for-

ROGER
Nonsense, Pumpkin. I'm proud of your talent, as you should be. She could be one of the greats (Looks at Daniel) if she doesn't get too distracted.

HAROLD
Can you play Imagine?

ROGER
Easy. It's one of the first things she learnt. That's easier than sneezing for her! Someone else name something.

SIMPLICITY
Dad, please-

DANIEL
The Double Dragon theme tune.

Simplicity laughs; her Father shoots Daniel a cold, harsh look.

Daniel decides not to say anything else for a while.

Under the table, Simplicity rubs Daniel’s leg with her foot. 

Above the table, she gives him a smouldering look to go with it. He blushes, struggling to hold onto his fork whilst shaking.

HAROLD
What do you do, Dennis?

DANIEL
It's Daniel.

ROGER
Dennis is a cartoonist or something.

DANIEL
Well, I'm- I write the cartoons. My friend Bailey does all of the drawings and animation.

MAUDE
What is your cartoon about?

DANIEL
A, uh, bunch of crime fighting domestic animals.

Harold and Maude don't even pretend to get it. Daniel looks for a hole he can jump into.

SIMPLICITY
He's really popular and he has a strong fan base. I actually met him on the way back from one of the many conventions he attends.

ROGER
I used to have some crazy hobbies when I was a kid.

It is now Simplicity's turn to shoot a harsh look.

HAROLD
Our Son is a database programmer. He travels all around the world. Have you ever thought of getting a proper job?

DANIEL
I'd like to think it IS a proper job.

HAROLD
He'll be here in a moment. He was running a little late. He had a few work-related matters to attend to. It's his day off, bless him. That boy of mine is a workaholic. He gets that from his mother.

SIMPLICITY
Jack is coming?

HAROLD
Yes. 

ROGER
I did mention it.

SIMPLICITY
You didn't say anything about it, Dad.

DANIEL
What's the-

ROGER
Oh, it's nothing. Jack is Simplicity's boyfriend.

DANIEL
(Dropping his food)
What?

SIMPLICITY
EX-Boyfriend.

MAUDE
We're hoping that it is a temporary split while Simplicity gets all this travelling out of her system.

DANIEL
And he's coming here?

ROGER
We're all still friends. I think you'd like Jack. You could learn a lot from him.

Jack enters. He is dressed up like a Duke.

JACK
Sorry I am late, each and all. Work was just crazy! I've brought some wine. I hope you all like red.

Daniel looks sour. Simplicity smiles at him but he looks away.

Roger smiles to himself.

ROGER
Help yourself to some food, Jack. There's plenty.

JACK
Roger, you are a gentleman and a saint.

DANIEL
(To himself)
Let's not go nuts.

JACK
Simplicity! You are looking lovely! Do you mind if I sit next to you?

SIMPLICITY
I think someone is-

Jack sits next to her. He begins to help himself to food.

MAUDE
Ah, look at them! It's like old times.

Roger pretends to take a picture with an imaginary camera.

Daniel is not happy.

ROGER
Jack, this is Daniel.

JACK
Hey, Danny. What's happening?

DANIEL
Oh, you know--

SIMPLICITY
Daniel is my boyfriend.

JACK
And what a lucky man he is! We used to date, Simp and I.

DANIEL
Yeah, I heard.

JACK
She gave me the old heave-ho though. I'll never understand why.

SIMPLICITY
Really? I detailed the whys and the wherefores in as many languages as I can speak.

JACK
She's still as sharp as ever. Ah, it was my loss. She was a treasure. You're a lucky, lucky man, Danno.

DANIEL
(Annoyed)
Thanks.

CUT TO:

INT - HOUSE - DAY

Daniel is sat on his own. Simplicity comes up to him, her pretty face filled with worry.

SIMPLICITY
I'm so sorry about this.

DANIEL
I hear that word a lot when it comes to your Father. 

SIMPLICITY
I didn't know that Jack was going to be here. 

DANIEL
Oh, that fancy pants is the sour icing on a very shitty cake.

SIMPLICITY
We can go. I think it's best if we do.

DANIEL
No, I want to stay. I want to see what happens. I want to see who your Dad wheels out next. Perhaps he’ll torture me in front of Harold and Maude. Maude could take a dump on my head whilst Harold tells me how pointless my job is.

SIMPLICITY
Please don't be like that.

DANIEL
I'm fine, 'Simp'. Love you. Love your craziness. 

SIMPLICITY
Don't be like that with me.

DANIEL
Seriously, do you have a thing for ruffles? Should I start dressing up like I've just done Shakespeare in the park?  Is that a turn on for you?

SIMPLICITY
I'm not going to talk to you if you're going to be rude. I think you should ease up on the booze.

DANIEL
(Raises bottle)
Duly noted, Pumpkin.

Simplicity stomps off.

Jack emerges. He walks up to Daniel and slumps into a vacant seat.

JACK
Trouble in paradise?

DANIEL
(O.T.T)
Jack! Good to see you, man! How's it going? 

JACK
You're drunk.

DANIEL
Right you are.

JACK
Look, Danno-

DANIEL
My name is Daniel. 

JACK
Daniel, I-

DANIEL
I'm not going to give her up. 

JACK
We'll see.

DANIEL
What does that mean?

JACK
It means we'll see what happens.

DANIEL
We won't have to wait and see because she is with me now.

JACK
For now, yes but it's really only a matter of time before she comes to her senses. Simplicity and I have a rich history. We have been through many things together-

DANIEL
So, who cares about all that? You didn't work out. It's not hard to see why is it?

JACK
What do you mean?

DANIEL
You're an idiot who dresses like a French Duke! 

JACK
You're not familiar with the current trends, are you? Simplicity likes my style. She always has. It was one of the many things that attracted her to me.

DANIEL
She's happy with me.

JACK
You're merely keeping her warm.

DANIEL
I'll fight for her.

JACK
You'll lose.

DANIEL
How can you be so sure all the time?

JACK
Because I'm a winner, Danno. I have lady luck on my side. You, on the other hand, are a loser with a monkey on your back.

DANIEL
I'm going to attack you.

JACK
I'll break you like a twig. I may dress like a man of peace but when it comes down to it, I fight like an angry panther. Look at you, you don’t know what to do with yourself and you expect a wonderful spirit like Simplicity to SETTLE for someone like you? It would be a crime against nature. 

Daniel moves to strike him.

Jack moves backwards, causing him to fall off the seat.

JACK (CONT'D)
You're making a fool of yourself.

DANIEL
I think you need to take a couple of looks in the mirror before you accuse me of making a fool of myself.

Daniel pulls a stupid face. Jack shakes his head.

BAILEY (V.O.)
So what happened next? Did you leave?

DANIEL (V.O.)
I should have left. That would have been the sensible thing to do.

BAILEY (V.O.)
But you didn't?

DANIEL (V.O.)
When have I ever been sensible?

We see Daniel searching for his jacket amongst a sea of coats. 

Roger watches from the other room. He is happy with his work. The glory of his victory is tainted when he notices Simplicity, sitting alone outside with her head in her hands.

Daniel is getting frustrated now as the search for his jacket reaches frantic and frustrated levels. He finally locates the garment and throws it on. He fishes for his keys as he makes a beeline for the front door.

Simplicity looks up when she hears the door slam shut. She gets to her feet when she hears Daniel’s car start up.

She rushes to the front door. Roger follows.

EXT - HOUSE - EVENING

Daniel is blocked in by another car.

SIMPLICITY
Daniel! What are you doing?

DANIEL
I'm going home. This scene is a little too 'Bergman' for my tastes. I want to go home to normal, friendly conversation with normal, friendly people that don't pretend to have puppet children or dress up like Victorian gents.

SIMPLICITY
But you're too drunk to drive!

DANIEL
I'll be the judge of that!

ROGER
My Jaguar is blocking you in.

DANIEL
That's your car, Roger?

ROGER
(Smiling)
Indeed it is.

DANIEL
Excellent.

Daniel rams the car repeatedly much to Roger's horror. He rams it until he has enough room to get out and drive away.

BAILEY (V.O.)
It's a good job the officer that pulled you over was a fan.

DANIEL (V.O.)
I totally regret driving off like that. I was just so angry. I think things just got on top of me. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster of late. 

BAILEY (V.O.)
Plus, you're a bad-tempered drunk when you want to be.

INT - BAR - DAY

Daniel and Bailey are sat opposite each other in the usual bar.

Bailey, in another one of his fashion faux pas, is wearing an eye patch.

DANIEL
What happened, Bailey?

BAILEY
I don't know, man. Simplicity's name is gleefully ironic, I know that much.

DANIEL
I was pretty mean to her. Her Father and that IDIOT just wound me up so much!

BAILEY
I don't think anyone could blame you. I think it's pretty punk rock what you did! You could be the bad boy of cartoon writing.

Daniel gives him a familiar 'shut up' look.

BAILEY (CONT'D)
Or not.

DANIEL
I suppose it's over.

BAILEY
What do you mean?

DANIEL
Well, this is what usually happens; a fuss, a fight and then it's all over.

BAILEY
Before maybe but things are different this time around.

DANIEL
What do you mean?

BAILEY
You actually love this one.

DANIEL
But now she knows what a prick I can be!

BAILEY
First of all, you're NOT a prick and secondly, stop giving up so quickly. This one is actually WORTH the effort.  Christ, your dating track record read like a who's who of who gives a fuck before she came along. You’ve finally found a girl that I can respect you for! Don't give up. Love is an uphill struggle but it's worth it when you get to the top.

Bailey looks at his bottle of beer.

BAILEY (CONT'D)
(Reads label)
"Excessive consumption may cause clichéd speeches"

Daniel laughs.

BAILEY (CONT'D)
Are you going to be okay for the gig later?

DANIEL
You mean the convention?

BAILEY
I prefer to call it a gig.

DANIEL
But it's not though is it?

BAILEY
(Nods)
It is to me. Are you going to be okay, cowboy?

DANIEL
(Shrugs)
I think I did all my crying at the police station.

BAILEY
I'd love to have been there when you rammed his Jag!

Daniel groans and buries his head in his hands.

GIRL'S VOICE (V.O.)
You guys are like GODS to me!

INT - CONVENTION - DAY

Bailey and Daniel are at another signing table.

An eager young woman clutches some Rocky memorabilia and is quivering with excitement. Daniel can’t understand it. Bailey loves it. 

He is still wearing his eye patch.

BAILEY
(Signing her poster)
Gods, huh? I like that.

DANIEL
Thanks for coming to see us.

EAGER GIRL FAN
I like your eye patch.

DANIEL
Do you?

BAILEY
I got it from a pirate convention.

EAGER GIRL FAN
It's really cool!

BAILEY
Thank you.

Daniel looks bored.

DANIEL
Do you mind if I step out for a bit? I need to get some air.

BAILEY
Go for it, man. I can hold the fort.

Daniel gets up and exits the signing area. He moves towards a quiet area, smiling meekly at any fan that recognises him.

He heads towards the exit.

EXT - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS

Daniel sits down on the path outside. He rubs his eyes. He can't escape the horrible, awkward feeling in the pit of his stomach. He pulls his knees up to his chest and rests his forehead on his arm.

Simplicity's camper van pulls up. Daniel doesn't notice this. He keeps his face buried and his emotions to himself.

SIMPLICITY
Hey.

Daniel looks up. His eyes are red and wet.

DANIEL
I'm not crying. I'm- My eyes are sweating.

Simplicity starts laughing.

Daniel laughs too.

SIMPLICITY
Aren't you going inside?

DANIEL
I'm not really needed.

SIMPLICITY
You're needed.

She holds out her hand. He reaches out to hold it.

SIMPLICITY (CONT'D)
I need you.

DANIEL
But your Dad-

SIMPLICITY
Dad will never like anyone I date but it's not up to him. I'm a big girl and he's-

DANIEL
-A big girl too?

SIMPLICITY
(Laughing)
Yeah!

Simplicity helps Daniel up. She hugs him. He holds her like she could dissolve at any moment.

She leads him back inside.

They walk over to the table. The line of fans is massive now. Even Bailey looks a little stressed by the demand.

He perks up when he notices Daniel with Simplicity.

Daniel pulls up a chair for his love and the three of them sit at the table. Simplicity watches as he goes about his business.

Bailey glances at Simplicity. He pulls a face that says: "Is everything okay?"

Simplicity gives her friend a big ‘thumbs up’.

We hear the opening jangles of Steady Rollin' by Two Gallants

FADE TO:

INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

A relaxed looking Daniel fills the frame. He smiles to himself. He looks across to reveal Simplicity lying next to him. They are lying on Tatty, the old recliner.  The song takes us into the credits.

CREDITS: