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Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Deal Breaker – Short Script Review (Available for Production) - posted by David M Troop

Deal Breaker (10 pages in pdf format) by Brett Martin

A woman risks sabotaging the perfect date when she confesses a terrible secret.

If there’s one movie genre we can all identify with, it’s gotta be romantic comedy.

After all, love (or the pursuit of it) is universal. We’ve all longed for that perfect partner to meet. Someone to fall in love with. Break up with over a silly misunderstanding. Followed by a musical montage of regrets. And a long, lonely walk on the beach. After that? Reconciliation and happily-ever-after are sure to follow. Fade Out. Viola. Credits roll.

It works that way in real life, too.

Doesn’t it?

A romantic comedy with a twist, Deal Breaker focuses on that most romantic night of all – that frightening, nauseating first date.

Though, as far as first dates go, Alice and Louis are doing just fine. Dinner at a French café. (Check.) Wine and charming conversation (double check.) Everything’s darned near perfect.

Until Alice – required by law – discloses she’s a registered sex offender.

Dead silence from Louis. A stack of plate crashes somewhere in the restaurant. A record needle scratches – loud.

Though Alice explains the situation aptly, the news lands like the proverbial fart in church. The woman of Louis’ dreams… has a very fatal flaw.

Will Louis be able to man up and deal? Or high-tail it down the nearest fire escape?

An intelligently written comedy, Deal Breaker’s full of witty dialogue. Not to mention posing the age old question: Is it proper dating etiquette to Google your date during the main course? Or should you wait until the check arrives?

Directors with a flare for comedy and keen dialogue would do well to add this to their menu. ‘Cause this one’s a special that won’t be available for too long.

Pages: 10

Budget: Low. A nice restaurant. A small cast with some extras. One minor special effect.

About the writer: Brett Martin is an unrepped screenwriter and freelance reader living in Los Angeles. He sold an action/thriller to Quixotic Productions, which is owned by Brett Stimely (Watchmen, Transformers 3). He’s recently finalized a tentpole action feature & a brand new bi-weekly cartoon web series, Robots Love Movies, as he continues his quest to be a professional writer.

About the reviewer: David M Troop resumed writing in 2011 after a twenty-five year hiatus. Since then, he has written about 50 short scripts, two of which have been produced. Dave would like to make it three. He was a regular, award-winning contributor to MoviePoet.com. Born on the mean streets of Reading, PA, Dave now resides in Schuylkill Haven with his wife Jodi and their two lazy dogs Max and Mattie. He can be reached at dtroop506 “AT” Gmail

Read Deal Breaker (pdf format)

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This screenplay may not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.

5 Comments so far

1.

Brett & Ben
May 15th, 2015 at 9:36 am

Thanks so much for the great review, Janet and David! This is HANDS DOWN the best resource for success in the short script community!

2.

KP Mackie
May 16th, 2015 at 1:07 am

Hung on every word of this snappy script!
A real gem. Well done. 🙂

3.

LC
May 16th, 2015 at 5:01 am

Very enjoyable. Loved her alter ego reflected in the restaurant mirror! And the turning of the tables – no pun intended. 🙂 Good luck with this, Brett.

4.

D.W. Liu
May 16th, 2015 at 12:23 pm

Bret,

It’s fun reading this script. A lot of humors. It has an intriguing plot, with a couple of nice twists. And the dialogues are sharp and brisk (although I thought it’s overdone a little bit).

I think that the “fun” part of the story could be stirred up a lot if you could varies the scene from just two sitting at the table talking nearly non-stop. One suggestion:

After Alice first reveals her secret, Louis quickly finds an excuse and goes to the man’s room. Alice remains sitting there, recalls all the previous rejections, while in the man’s room, Louis is looking up about her on smartphone. As he’s doing it, Alice barges in and puts him on the spot (after decided that she’s not going to lose the “perfect guy” this time). Move some of the dialogues at the table to the man’s room would be more dramatic, even hilarious (heck, have a guy in a stall who overhears everything before he comes out).

And maybe move the the scene again, either back to the table, or better, at the counter, because Alice is leaving for believing the lie that Louis told her (his lie would be better if other than sex offender one). But this time it’s Louis who chases her, trying to keep her from dumping him.

It might make the production more challenging, but it would be more fun to see the story unfold this way.

David

5.

Pamela Morris
May 31st, 2015 at 7:59 pm

I thoroughly enjoyed every last word of this script. Job well done!

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